The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 149 – the spy museum

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

its a ripoff but there are a couple of cool things there

Okay, I am gay and my penis is small Robot noises hard dick robots assemble That's a little teaser so how's everyone I got an animated pilot in the works That's a little taste a robot a pilot. Yeah It's like Gundam Gundam warrior, but the only thing that changes is the penis the cockets. Yeah a metal penis And then different alloys right normally your penis just looks like a toy car or a bus And then it transforms my soft metal penis your soft cock is a little vw hot wheels car

And then when it gets hard it's a sword a browns a brown and like white sword Nice I'm looking at XLR cables. Oh, yeah, you're about upgrading. Yeah, I figured it might as well Replace the equipment that breaks at the time. What are we gonna have a futuristic studio, dude? Never living as soon as Ralph's dad builds it for us We should we should have a living room that's like or we should make your living room a fucking We all have like giant chairs that go back all the way gaming chairs, dude

But they were client completely so we're we can lay down if we need to oh like if like a Helmets exactly. Yeah, we should all have a little booth like we're flying first class on Emirates And we should have a stewardess while we record. Yeah, and I don't want to see your hair, dude I want to see covered up like oh shit. That's what they're doing. They're still why they wear those hats way to be hot They're hot Yeah, yeah, that's why they look like that didn't didn't they buy another airline or something didn't they buy Air France Emirates or something like that or Delta. I don't know. All I know is that they sponsor a lot of soccer team jerseys They do that's why I support them because the soccer teams have no problem

like doing business with just Slavery countries. Yeah, sure. Yeah and being owned by by Ola Garcs and Nick, what are you doing shopping? I'm looking for a replacement XLR cable. What are you looking for? What are your top quality? reading some article about the best ones, I don't know something that's Not gonna have a bunch of interference. I guess sturdy who wrote the article. I don't know. It's a fucking genius, dude

The wire cutter calm You're why do I trust that website? It's your favorite website. They've led me astray on half of the purchases really I've taken Yeah, I think when I moved into a new apartment I was like just looking at whatever wire cutter told me to buy with like can openers and stuff And I think they were like wrong half the time damn It's here in New York. We should it's nice having someone tell me what to do. You know what I mean You're a don you want to dom I just I don't have to like you know You're a sub and the website I don't I just don't like the I don't like the stress of not you know

Yeah, you want daddy to tell you get on your knees exactly on all fours. I need daddy wire cutters I just love to see a picture of what that guy looks like though, dude, you know, he's squat, but stocky. Yeah 53 ripped you like consumer Report things Nick. No, not really. I'm gonna kind of bought all the shit that I wanted to buy and it doesn't work on me anymore Whoa, you don't trust anyone. No, it's just like, you know, I mean I used to when I didn't have money I would go to Best Buy and be like damn. What if one day I could watch DVDs? but in a way that like a Middle-aged man does yeah specific room for it and oh

Yeah, the home theater. Yeah, I just wanted to be one of those like quiet fathers that like reads consumer reports And yeah has too much money, but you know, I mean, I I don't know you buy you buy two TVs It's like I don't fucking care anymore. They're all good. The next thing is yeah buying a portion leaving it running in the garage The exhaust Snake, are you wearing in the jacket in the gloves while you die? Oh, yeah? They do have that like Ferrari jacket That they only let you buy the Ferrari dealership if you have a Ferrari. No, I think so. Yeah. Is it nice? No No, I have to have it. Yeah What does anyone if anyone here has a Ferrari and is a fat man or I guess just go in and buy the fattest size

They haven't mail it to me. I will give you four thousand dollars or four G's for the hundred or whatever it costs Yeah, well you got a fit in the Ferrari first fat boy, I can fit in the Ferrari bitch How do you know you've never tried? I know dude you've been in one they got because they make them for fucking leaders of industry Hmm, you know what I mean men who've grown fat off their riches That's what I am Someone's telling me you need to I guess maybe it was even my girlfriend was telling me that like if you have a car like that You need to pay a race car driver to like take it around the track

To like keep it functional if you have like a like an exotic car like that No, dude, you have to pay to get cocked by some fucking you got a mario. I'm ready son Yeah, you got to pay a real race car driver to like make it go fast Are you sure your girlfriend wasn't trying to introduce the idea of an other cock to use things? It's cool that she thinks of herself as a Ferrari Yeah, I'm not a fucking Kia Sorento. No, she's like a type of Korean bullshit a day who Day with a day who with rims on it

That's what that's what Dasha. No, no, not Dasha the other one. Oh, I didn't know this my other girlfriend I didn't I don't know. It's what your Korean girlfriend Joyce, which is why she wasn't she wasn't a car to imply that she's a wigger I wasn't gonna say her name, but but I figured you'd be able to put it together. So well, you said it You weren't thinking about it. Yeah, no, it was actually Dasha's present enough We told me that yeah, if you have a Ferrari, you need to make that totally makes sense And it kind of now A lot of I know a lot of race car drivers. She said after that. She does. She never hang out. Yeah

Get to know each other. Do they have Russian brand cars like during the Soviet Union? Yeah, good point. Yeah, they did Yeah, we were there's a car that day You go to your go to the spy museum No said It's like the spy museum. They have like an exhibit of like the way they would smuggle people across the border and From East Berlin and chill Berlin. Oh, nice There's like mannequin jammed in like the fucking like engine bay of this shitty car

So it's hot as shit What's that? So it must have been very hot. Yeah, yeah I think there was a good most popular car in East Berlin was I think I don't know It may have been a German manufacturer. Now. I can't remember. You know what? This is a piece of trivia that slipped out of my head. Oh damn, dude, but yeah, no a lot of like a a lot of the cars in Cuba run off just like old Russian parts mm-hmm Because you know, they're all the the bodies and are from like the 50s or whatever, right? Yeah, dude

I'm trying to have an old Russian-ass car Presky a rubesky Maybe cold something like that. Yeah, a pre falls of the Berlin wall car riding around I mean, they're like just their pieces of shit. I think they just drove like all like like two stroke Just that's all I think golf cart. Yeah Producing a lot of pollution Good dude stun So we're all I guess thanks for coming to see us in DC this oh, yeah, thank you

That was like sleepy from how much fun we had. Yeah, dude. We've been tuckered out for four days We're all on cocaine the whole time. Yeah, we were just yipped up Hardcore style. We had sex with a lot of male fans. Oh my god You don't know that but if you do the hundred dollar a month patreon tier you're you're eligible for cock From us after the shows What's good with you sleepy Nick, uh, yeah, I'm okay. You guys see that the Mussolini's fucking granddaughter or some shit Yeah, I'd fuck her. I would smash a hundred percent. She's got she she was a big old duck lips She does and she was also on a

Italian playboy apparently was she so I think her titties are out there to be seen it's sickly She's in the parliament, you know, you know, she is I didn't know that I don't do any research She's like a member of their parliament. I think the bitches. I didn't really do any research out there First of all, is she in is she like married? Did she keep Mussolini around? I yeah, that doesn't make sense either because she's the granddaughter But she's she's like, oh, no, I don't want to take you You don't see a lot of Hitler isn't you know the I'm telling you dude German parliament fascists are still pretty chill like They still are pretty proud Greek fascists are still around dude golden dawn. Yeah

And they were like they're around from like the 60s. Oh Yeah, Italy is the same fucking way, dude What's her name? Mussolini or whatever dude Angelica Angelica. I fucked her what we all fucked her for real Yeah, yeah, she got mad at Jim Carrey When did Jim Carrey start doing all these shitty ass drawings, dude? Why is that a sting now because he killed his girlfriend? He killed his 18 year old girlfriend with bad drugs So now he's dealt with it. Is it was that one of the deleted scenes for that 13 movie or whatever the number? Then what was that? No, they had the number 23. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, they killed his girlfriend to be method that movie was such a piece of shit I thought it was gonna be so good. Yeah, me too. The trailer looked dope I think I was a freshman year at college sophomore year at college when I saw it. Yeah What are you looking at nudes of that bitch down there? No, I was looking at that car Whatever man Let's see. Yeah, it's the Trabant. That's a good name, dude Yeah, was that the Russian car? It's the East the car from East Germany. Oh that they smuggle people through Yeah, I remember just seeing that picture the guy jammed in the engine bay. Yeah, but it's just this like shitty two-stroke engine

But it was like the most popular car in East Germany. Oh, yeah, dude. It's basically a go-kart that rocks Trabant Sounds like a man an African-American gentleman's name Yeah The Pontiac Trabant. That's a cool. Yeah Yeah, Trabant get your ass in here. Why you got East Germans in your ass? That was that sort of thing Yeah, that's good. Maybe a man named Trabant. Are you sure it wasn't a man named Trabant?

Sneak Germans in his ass. Oh No, it's a car No, I'm looking at it now. Just making sure. Yeah, no, I just checked. It's You should double check this not a man. Yeah, I'm checking again. Hey, Siri Can you check and see if a man named Trabant snuck Germans in his ass? During the 1980s model had no tachometer. No headlights or turn signals Oh, sorry, no headlights or turn signals indicator. So you had no way of knowing whether the headlights are on or off No fuel gauge. No rear seatbelts. No external fuel door

You have to pour a mixture of gasoline and oil directly into the engine That rocks I love how we front there like Ronald Reagan gave a good speech to the people who are watching this I love how we front there like Ronald Reagan gave a good speech and that's why the Soviet Union fell apart Not like they were driving fucking like clown cars around This is because Ronald Reagan gave a really scary speech. That's yeah Yeah, my man had practice. He was in Green Gables or whatever the fuck Who Reagan gun or whatever? He was in actually the naked gun. Oh, this is great. You have the naked gun my sister served OJ Simpson last night

So this is a restaurant. This car is a piece of shit, right? But because it was the company was a state monopoly you just sit on a 13 year waiting list That rules dude fuck and Apparently the juice said to my sister. She looked like a woman who enjoyed a nice massage I was trying to fucking fuck your sister. Yes. Yeah, and then he said she no, why not? That'd be funny to fuck OJ Simpson. Honestly, it would be an honor. You know would be dude Hall of Famer Buffalo Bill's legend USC legend. Just just to imagine the nephews I'd have Man, you know, they'd be legacies at USC

They get in no prob. I wouldn't have to bribe them like on Becky. I love that shit. Oh My god of Friedland and a Simpson now. I'm having fantasies Although I guess change your name to Adam Simpson if your sister got knocked up by OJ Simpson I'd I'd change my name to Adam OJ Simpson Friedland. I just replaced the middle Big you could just do that now. I guess I guess there's really nothing holding me back nothing to stop you Yeah, you better fucking do that shit. I wonder if my dad still thinks OJ's innocent because he He really used to think OJ's innocent, but that he is during the trial, but that he is guilty of taking the memorabilia No, he got really mad about that too. Oh, really? He's like they set him up

Which they did he was right No, my dad was watching the OJ trial and he's like LAPD wants to set up a successful black man in America A fellow African. Yeah, your dad on Jesse Smallwood. I don't think he cared about Jesse Smallwood I think he's just too sad about the no-collusion thing right now. Oh your dad really He's probably wrapped up in a blanket. He was ready for Russians, huh? Yeah, I mean you watch Rachel Maddow for two years. You turn into a real fucking psychopath. I Was trying to tell him

Yeah, I think I my parents don't are too foreign to understanding use Yeah, there's my mom's watching like 13 reasons why or whatever the fuck's on Netflix I think I think Rachel Maddow is doubled down. I think she's like still collusion with Russia respect For nets dude if she's getting all those baby boomers to watch like just double down. Why not? Don't lose those ratings. Should we starting using a use network? Yeah, but we got to come up with something even more salacious than Russia What do you got I don't know Yeah, nothing. I mean you give me a fucking day. I'll come back. I'll come up with the Donald Trump But I don't know mayor definitely a terrorist. We start there Donald Trump's Muslim. There we go there. That's good

That's there. There we go Donald Trump's a Muslim He was jealous of how tall the Twin Towers were because he's a notorious New York City real estate developer So he paid his Muslim brother his friends in al-Qaeda Which he was a member of to knock them down because they were too huge They he was gonna put up the Trump towers and he had penis envy of them because he also is a small He's that's good. He's like most Muslims. He has a Muslim size penis Don't forget to get his little hands in the mix. Oh, it's small hands, too. Yeah, he couldn't fly the He would have done it himself. He would have done it, but his hands are too small to control the steering wheel

Yeah, beat that Maddow you fucking stupid bitch. That's good. You look like her, too I know we're we look so we have similar haircuts similar haircuts Probably grow better mustache probably but she was actually a college athlete. I believe so. She's probably stronger than me Yeah, she would definitely lose in the fight to racial Maddow. Yeah You're still reading about that car, but but it but no, no, I was looking up more muller reports Were you up to today doing a little red dead again, brother? No, no, it was just on for a second was waiting for Some food to finish cooking what would we chef up oatmeal nothing in particular That's good, man. Well, we're in some people like trying to like make recipes from red dead

I don't know. I think there's some shit online where people are like make cooking the recipes and then posting the pics and then just waiting for For women to have sex with them just waiting for the DM support and yeah, how would that work? You know some hot bitch would see you posting your red dead, you know meals You get so turned on that she DM'd be like I'd love I'd love to I'd love to fuck you You know, that's all I got on that. I think that would be hot. Yeah, I would fuck a bitch who DM me off of PlayStation

You know PlayStation PlayStation messenger. That's where the good pussy is dude. Yeah, you get on that shit Mm-hmm. Can you send pictures on PlayStation Messenger? I don't know Have you heard right? I I guess I've somebody sent me a picture of a t-shirt on it, but I have no idea how you do it I've been watching the new season of queer. I don't know if you guys I have not and I there's a blurred episode I just skipped all the episodes just to go to the black nerd episode. Uh-huh and and uh, really really what a sweet person and You know, I don't think any of the changes that they instituted is left for gonna stick They like made him stop playing wow and he's like

Hell yeah, dude wow will ruin your damn life. He's like yeah pretty much I was very outgoing and then My mother died when I was a child. Oh, no now. I like playing You know roll What are they called mmR? MMORG's yeah, yeah multiplayer online Really gay shit. Yeah, and then they took him to the because I guess it's taking place in Kansas City They took him to that Kansas City, Japan Club, which is like all the people that like and made

a video games in Kansas City, Japan Club, I guess so and then they sent him up like all hanging out and then they Took the blurred to go to go hang out with them and then He got anxiety like five minutes and they had a pep talk of they're like just ask them like what video games they like And it's just so clear like Yeah, the second they're gone. He's just gonna log back into wow. No, he's like five five and Huge I didn't ask an un a question had nothing to do. It was cute though They did ask him what his ideal look was and he goes, um Donald Donald Glover

Was he gay or was he straight? Um, no, I think he was straight, but yeah, his only friend was his sister. Oh, was she who was kind of cute? They live together. She's like whatever. Well, you can bet on Whether that it actually happened on that show or Yes, I you can bet your sweet tits that you can do that bet the si.com They've been in business over 20 years Doing what you might ask paying winners. I love that shit and telling losers to fuck off Fuck off you fucking losers. They got an easy to use

Mobile playing interface you can play win and get paid You know anywhere on the go at home Use it on the on your phone while you're in the bathroom You know, you can conduct you can gamble on your phone Use your phone to wipe your ass to scrape the shit off. If you have an iPhone 10 you can sit in the bathtub Mm-hmm. Take a bubble bath. It's water. I'm like, that's you know That's how they used to do it back in the back in the old days at the sports You have a big clawfoot tub and you take a big bubble bath and gamble on think about the

Dingo fights wheel your clawfoot tub into the Drafting room and gamble on the plantation to bet the si plantation And that's that's why they were founded. That's why they invented mobile playing interfaces So the gentiles So the dandy's wouldn't have to go to the Go down to the you know that fucking room from the end of the sting Where people bet or whatever they offer odds on pretty much everything, you know, not just sports, but also

Movies you can bet on you can sit at home. You rent the movie the sting. You have to sign a form that says you've never seen it And then you get to bet on what happens There's a form you have to sign on the website that says I promise I've never seen I've never seen Jurassic Park I've never heard that song And then you've got a bet on what happens in the movie They'll know if you're lying though, they'll know if you're lying because they they actually the website installs a program on your Computer that uses your camera and your microphone when you're not looking. Yeah, it's Russian for your own for your own safety Your own safety corroborating your evidence to create an alibi for you in case

They offer live in-game wagering So if you're watching the movie and you'd be like, oh never mind. I've changed my mind I don't think yeah, I don't think Ripley's gonna beat the alien actually. Yeah, I changed my mind I don't think that Joe Montaigne actually has feelings for this woman And the David Mammon classic house of games I think I think maybe he's lying to this woman because she's a mark see a Mark it's all a con you understand. That's right a con. I said it a con Don't you understand that's what it is a con after all mm-hmm page

282 that's right. I said a con And you could bet on that don't you understand look at me I'm expressing emotion right now. I'm furious I've never been more furious in my life Or am I it's a con you see They offer live in-game wagering you make plays throughout the entire game And here's where we're gonna be betting on this week The final four I Don't do south in the state baseball you play

Fuck base you get every you're gonna you pick a team and you do it like high card low card $1,000 per game And you predict the entire season right now high card low card actually that would be pretty fun Well, you could do like plus minus wins. You think the Orioles are gonna get to 70 wins. No No, so you go take the under on that Are they it's but it's more fun to do it like high card low card Yeah, you pair off with somebody. Yeah, and then the money changes hands every single day Um, so when you sign up or is there other shit you're betting on?

Um I'm gonna watch I'll probably see captain marvel. I'll bet on that movie Mm-hmm. I saw it Don't tell me anything about it. I don't want to spoil anything, but the most powerful thing in the universe is a white woman Is that what they say in the movie is that a line from the movie? No, it's kind of the implication though at the end Okay, David. Okay. What did you just say that you're not gonna spoil anything? I'm the implication at the end mother fucker David mammots captain Marvel She's a bitch you see

She bitched everybody. That's what cunts do you ever meet a cunt? Well, I'm looking at one right now A regular st. Louis sally a cunt Listen, are you gonna are you gonna take a shit or are you gonna waste my time pal? I don't have time for cunts Listen, you're a cunt see Don't give me those fucking no no Hindus. Yeah nothing no Rajesh is It's I mean, I like my favorite part. I like David mammoth, but I really don't know why I do

It's so great. Like when you watch Glenn you're a Glenn Ross and it's looks like so racist towards indians. It's hilarious I don't remember that part. They're mad anytime they get indian leads. Like if they have like a oh if they have to call an Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense dude. They're too busy at running subway franchises around the 50 states Yeah, well when you sign up you make sure to use promo code come 120 so they know we sent you and that's at bettheaside.com And when you sign up, you've got some options You can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money Which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash

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I've only for hot men Yeah, suck my little penis So that's suck my little penis So that was uh What was that black street? Oh, no Montell If you could suck my dick would you? Montell Jordan is a pretty cool name. Yeah better than Montell Williams pathetic name

Why? I don't know. They're very similar names Montell Jordan He's the one Talk show. No Montell Williams Williams was the talk show And now current marijuana advocate. Well my man has some kind of disease glaucoma No, I think something with his joints the fuck they get fucked up. I think he's going blind from glaucoma. Maybe I'm wrong We should let Montell back on tv. Give him a show dude. I want to see him yell at teenage parents You know keep it really real with them if I had a show I would get prima nocta on the teenage parents

And be able to fuck them get first dibs on that pussy. Yeah That's a good policy What would be a scenario in which I would That I would some girl come on some girl will come on she's like I'm 15 years old and I have six And mom I don't care what my mom says and the mom's crying and stuff and then stuff's like that's terrible But I have to go back stage. It's disgusting. So it's like the boot camp episodes. Yeah, but you come out like a marine core outfit Way overweight and you scream at them and then they have to leave and have sex with you. Yeah And then they come back something like that. Yeah, exactly

They're wearing I would wait until the age of consent in each state For legal purposes on television after all Mm-hmm, but I would show my full unblurred cock and the way you get around that is you blur everything but the cock So on the screen It would just be nothing but blur, but my cock would be there, but you wouldn't see That it was doing anything sexual How about a uh computer program that automatically blurs the vaginas and asian porn And then they use it and then it blurs all of their eyes by accident

Because it thinks of the third person. Yeah, that's clever. That would be yep That's one of the problems with AI that people don't think about. Yeah It was too perfectly meant to be a sketch as part of a larger sketch. That's a japanese version of mad tv Yes Isn't most of japan's takes on sketch comedy isn't japan Japanese to be essentially What if everything was mad tv What if like the game shows for sure? Yeah, what if mad tv was like the start and then we got crazier from there

It seems like they have very mad tv ethos Yeah, I think I think that's what comedy is in most places in the world No, no comedy in most places in the world is a guy dressing as a woman Yeah, that's just mad mad tv was All about that. No, it was much more. It was much more nuanced than that Yeah, mad tv was more like something something but gay Which is effectively what we brother sign me up on this program sign me up and fuck me Let me get my dick sucked after I sign us contract

Selling you my pussy So we we're all hyped up on that mayor Uh, Pete butt edge edge butt edge I'm trying to edge edge edge on his butt cheeks. I'll tell you. Yeah, we're on the peat train Um, I'm trying to fuck his husband dude. He's trying to be president. He's trying to be the president right now That's pretty stupid. Yeah, he seems like a guy that's like in an acapella group Yeah, that's definitely what his vibe is like, you know the acapella groups that go to elementary schools And they're like all excited to be there because they think that elementary school age kids don't know what gay is

It's the one place he can be free free of society like these these kids don't understand that we're complete fucking lose Little does he know dude, they get it the most. Yeah There'll be like six kids that really get it in ruthless Yeah Damn one time they had a bitch do tang or like do like not tango But like that spanish it where you clap you have little clappers in your hands The clickers castle and that's yes And I remember being horny in like third grade, dude

You liked it. I wanted her to fuck me. She was stomping too. She was doing stomping and the yes, sir Horny or the one time they brought in a belly dancer And I wasn't as horny for your school. Yeah Yeah, some about for boy for children. Yeah There was no educational Purpose and it's just like let's look at yeah, I don't remember what she came to our class Turkish lady. I think it was like under the guise of cultural something And and I wasn't as horny and I was up close with her

And I guess I could see belly too if I recall. I think maybe she was a little more modest than usual But dude the fucking castle the Dan castle andetta or whatever the fuck that bitch called Yeah Who I wanted to clack them little shits all over my nuts, dude Yeah, one time we had a holocaust survivor come And I got real torqued up I think I told the story before she was talking about How like she her family gave her these diamonds

She put them in her pussy and she had to eat them on the train to Auschwitz and then like when she got to Auschwitz She had to like search through her poop for it She had to in continuous and she was like and that's how terrible the holocaust was and all of us were like that's disgusting Yeah This lady was eating poop diamonds for four years. That's wild. Yeah, put them in your and then we got in trouble for laughing When she was talking about searching through her poop That bitch needs to understand her audience I don't know imagine you're like a guard

And you're just like you're a guy that was just in like the german army and I know that's not really how the Holocaust works, but you're in the german army like Prior to the war you're not a member of the nazi party. You're having to load these jews on the trains and you're like I'm committing an atrocity Like I can't I don't know how to fucking live with myself. I don't I'm powerless to like stop it You know, you're just sort of in this funk and it's like these are human beings And then there's like jewish people eating diamonds out of shit You're like oh never mind

I guess all the videos we had to watch were correct I mean honestly that was kind of our reaction as you know fourth graders Did they make it the whole way at a jewish day school that closed the next year? That was the last year. I went to private school. Oh really? Yeah, I went to public school in fifth grade after that general pop for you Yeah Yeah, my parents. Yeah, then they were like I was never a fucking private school. Bitch like you dude I was always in the streets. They tried to make it work in vegas with the jewish school and they kept closing down

I think now there is one though Whatever, it's not interesting. This is really boring. No, it isn't but why would they choose to tell that story though? I mean, I think they were trying to say this is how bad the holocaust, but the holocaust was bad I mean, there were death camps where they would gasp Yeah, yeah, I don't I don't understand there being anybody that's like What but what else happened? Our teachers like they tried to take our diamonds away. They're like what? now it's

I mean people shouldn't have diamonds No, I I mean there's no it's not it's nothing other than just like a symbol of like hoarding wealth What are our teachers? No, she said it was from her like great grandparents or something but what our teacher said to us was that all the Survivors were about to die So it was like we were lucky. That's when we were getting yelled at. That's what they were saying My heirlooms. Okay, but intergenerational wealth isn't because one's like a fun little trinket. The other one's like You know five yachts and you know what I'm saying

It's too much. It's a scale thing. You can't be like, hey, what the hell? I mean, if someone's like this this slave was a family heirloom. No, that happened down. What that? Yeah, they would get I mean, yes, there were people that within the context of like slavery. There were people that just thought it was like That's the way things are supposed to work. Yeah, it's your property. Yeah So like they obviously had like sentimental value for a slave the same way that somebody would have sentimental value for a fucking car Yeah, that's that's that's ridiculous. I mean, but it's no you're right in retrospect. This is that's crazy Oh, this is my favorite boy

Jesus you're right, but I mean like today if someone was like yeah, there's a couple of like response novels to uncle Tom's cabin by southern writers Distracts Uh, basically, yeah, there's one called the sword and the distif and then there's another one that's called the sword and the Dick Stiff the the northern or the the the planters northern bride or the planters northern wife And uh, yeah, both of them are just like about Like how slavery is good

And like there's like the slaves and the and obviously it's just racist bullshit. But like Yeah, that that like they they You know trying to like express like no, we love these slaves. Yeah, right? Yeah These are our pets. Well, then didn't someone try to do that like two years ago some philippine every once Oh, was that some some guy was like, yeah, my family is a slave and it's okay Some asian guy tried to be crazy. I mean because like, you know, Spike Lee already made that movie the CSA or whatever, but if to update that even for now like

10 15 years after it came out a flick slavery still existed like People posting pictures of their slave to r slash. Oh You know Like a slave a slave. What was that kitty subreddit? You showed me What's that? Oh cat loaves or something. Yeah. Yeah slave loaves Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I really should not have cut off that uh, that no, oh, no, it's all right No, you shouldn't have adam like look at this cute outfit. I dressed my slave and yeah This one's dressed like an army man

Yeah, I guess that is what would be happening Damn good thing. We don't have slavery except I guess if you're building the world cup stadium and Abu Dhabi or whatever There's also if it had continued on because I guess what was it made when was it made like 64 well, that was a civil war and the emancipation proclamation freed the slaves but like The slave trade was illegal long before that Owning slaves wasn't but they were they they stopped the trade first. Yeah, I don't know I mean if it just continued eventually they would probably

Because there would be no utility For like, you know, we do you wouldn't have Most people would have like white collar jobs. So Right if they never gave like humanity to black people can you go get my seamless and they continued to be like Not even considered human. They would eventually have like bred some crazy-looking black people You know like that the chihuahua version Yeah, if you look at if you look at dogs

If you let look at dogs prior to like 1910, they were all they all kind of looked pretty normal. There weren't any like Yeah, chihuahuas or bulldog like imagine like the bulldog version of black people, I guess is what Is what where that path would have led right lavel Crawford. Yeah, I think silo green is probably the closest The closest look we have right alternate universe where Black people become luxury items for old women Jesus Christ Like you can have like a Toy black guy. Yeah, like a black guy that only grows to maybe be about two foot three

Like a gary Coleman and he's got like a huge underbite and he struggles to breathe and he only lives 10 years His hips can't handle his proportions. Yeah. Yeah, you'd have to jack him off This has always just poking out of some rich ladies purse Oh Jesus Well, I mean that's what would have happened. That's what would have happened. Yeah. Yeah We're not saying it's good. This is an alternative history. This is alternate. This is yeah This is sort of like hardcore history with dan carlin. It's like uh, is that what happens on that podcast? Yeah

He talks about slavery like what it we should yeah, I've never heard episode, but I think that's what it is If i'm correct, it's him talking about breeding black people Mm-hmm. Dan carlin. Well, anyways, if you like sex, you'll like blue chew dot com Blue chew offers men a performance boost. Oh, yeah Um, oh a boost. All right. There's been a boost. Yeah out of your penis You ever you remember gnaws from too fast too furious. Yeah, it's basically a button On the underside of the steering wheel for your dick. Yeah, which is your balls

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And Let's start this Let's start the show My dick's hard because of bluetooth. My dick is hard as shit I've never fucked What are we talking about uh Breeding slaves. You've never taken a dick fill adam. I did. Yeah once only one time. What did you fuck and it worked? This is somebody

Oh, yeah Just somebody A woman a woman Who was maybe on the clock? No, I didn't say for what? I didn't say for what? It was a woman who was Working out of mcdonald's. Yeah, you fucked her. She let me back into the refrigerator rim And you filled her and you filled her pussy full of uh frozen patties. No, no, no, it was nothing like that

It was nothing And she was like go deeper And I said I'm said I'm as hard as I'll ever be and she was like wrap your cock around some fucking Mcgrit wrap some Mcgrittles around your cock To fill it out So you did just that Yep, you stuffed a couple sandwiches at the end of the condom Mcgrittles are pretty good. They are Actually, I I take that back. I think what yeah, I don't like fucking loser

They're my face feels sticky the rest of the day. That's because you suck the man's penis I want to get one of those tiny cast irons for making I have one like the real small ones They're just one egg. Yeah for making like this size egg for breakfast sandwich, bro Honestly, I was thinking about getting rid of mine. I'll bring it over see if it's really tiny. They're tiny. It's tiny as shit I'm talking about like the size of a post-it note Oh, no, not that small, but it's small. I'll send you a picture. No, I know it's probably the six inch one But I want to I want the they make them. I think it's four inches Well post-it notes probably what three inches

Yeah, so yeah, if it's four, I'll show it to you. I think it might do it. I might just bike over to target after this and Buy a tiny cast iron and make perfect breakfast sandwiches What's up, man trying to kill yourself. No, not even it's too late for that You seem down brother. No, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Just uh Just slower pace for me We're hot off our big show in Washington, DC at the black cat Which was great and hopefully we'll be bringing that to your town soon. I did email a woman who books like little theaters around the country, so we might we might legitimately be in business

And uh, we're figuring out details of a euro tour as well It's going to be like that movie euro trip And I'm gonna be fred armisen and I'm gonna rape you guys in a train. You're in trip. No You're in trip How about the urine being urine peeing you at union the urine you're in here union. Yeah union. Yeah I like that. I wouldn't want to I would want to brexit too if Yeah, there's a bunch of they're made out of piss German bunch of bull homos trying to tell me I got to buy everything with their piss No, thanks bunch of Bavarians pulling out their fucking weird cocks out of later hosin

Making you sip on it some pepper snort and kraut wants me to buy his piss for free No tax. I don't think so That's that makes sense, dude So with the instead of euros the euro urine peeing union would sell little their currencies little jars of piss. Yeah Nice. Yeah, I guess I want one of those ear necklaces What's that like from the vietnam war? Oh a necklace with your oh with someone's ear on your the people you've murdered's ears. Yeah

Okay, was that they did that in vietnam? It sounds like an old west kind of thing, you know, I would do if I was a poacher I'd have a headdress with an elephant's actual ears on the side That'd be pretty cool. Yeah, I'd have an elephant's ears taped to my head And then a lion's mane and elephant's ears. You make some freak animals and his yeah The zebra's dick Which I hope looks like the rest I hope I think it's fleshy like a horse. Well, I would say it's like gray and black

We're gonna have to enslave the zebras and spend a couple of years making them fancy. You ever seen a giraffe's tongue? No, it's black Is it? Yeah Um zebra's cock looks pretty black to me. Unfortunately does it Looks looks long looks good. Whoa This is a big cock I think well horses tend to have big cocks. Yeah, but then oh damn zebra pussy looks kind of good though Yeah, I'm telling you horses got good-looking pussies. Look at these two zebras about getting ready to make that bubblegum

Damn that that's a the juicy got bubblegum. That's some dick dude. You're right stuff. I told you, bro You guys didn't say anything about that video the chimpanzee with this tiny cock that I saw the other day I didn't see it. I didn't get it. It was Uh, it was pretty fun. It was just a chimpanzee zebra stripes are cool, man. I want to kill one last cock into a rug Obviously, yeah zebra zebra skin rug are uh Are pretty nice my my my buddy max's one. Is it real? I think it might be Yeah, I think it is I think that zebra died ethically though. No way. I would have. Yes, of course

ethical zebra rugs Yeah, would you be a poacher for a zebras nick? Uh, yeah, I would love to be a poacher. No Poaching makes me really sad Shut up. There was a those documentaries about those like kind park rangers in the Congo and they're gonna get like I'm the only one that's protecting these beautiful creatures and they're they're gonna fucking end up fucking got it Some fucking It takes rhodesian special forces guys like you know, we get to kill all of the fucking

It takes a lot of integrity to be a poacher How so? Well, because people already don't like regular hunters You have to be willing to accept being hated by every part of the animal kingdom The true outlaws So you like that's what appeals to you is is hatred is universal hatred. Yes Yes, interesting and the the elephant ear hat And the zebra cock What would the zebra cock be again a belt?

Yeah, I guess something well now that I saw it and it doesn't look like the rest of the zebra I've lost interest in that What animal has the most colorful cock would you think? I don't know probably a turtle Probably some kind of weird. Yeah, have you seen a turtle's cock? It's weird, dude. Isn't it like it's wide at the end Oh, yeah, we're oh no ducks ducks have the ones that are like scorpion for moral combat Or they like throw them out there and then they grab bitches. Yeah Let's take a little rape hook. Yeah, like a corkscrew get over here

I would like to be an octopus They are the smartest animals people say but they're smart in a different way than people are in what way well Do they have language they they're the way they think about things is completely different, you know, they're not mammals Right, they got brains all over the place too. Yeah, it's not a central nervous system That shit's everywhere Yeah, it's fucked up. They're like aliens Yeah, like their arms have independent neurons. So like if you cut an octopus's arm, it grows back right well it operates autonomously

The fuck dude, it's not a fucking Oh starfish does that no My dick does I thought an octopus's arm grows back. It doesn't grow back, dude That'd be fucking wild that if it does I'll be mad because that that means there's a fucking if I got a pet octopus I could cut its fucking arm off every day and have fresh octopus That would be fucking awesome. There you go ethical octopus, dude. I love some grilled octopus grilled pulpo, dude Love that shit If I could be an animal

Hmm I want to say a bird so I can soar in the skies, but That's probably not true a bull A strong oxen As long as it gets some cow pussy. Mm-hmm, and I can fucking Break like a rodeo guys necks When they try and best me and I'll never let them I'll never be broken, dude

I'm a wild fucking animal But I am getting cow pussy On the farm Can you kill a bull and eat it like steak? Yeah, it's the same meat. Really? They're the same animal. So yeah Damn When we eat chicken though, isn't that just women? Um

Yeah, I don't think you'll baby roosters. Yeah, I think well the hens are fatter or look at the better fat that fupa. Yeah Adam what animal would you be? um Probably just a guy with a bigger cock That's what I want to be reading stay like a Dominican teenager Good at baseball You just have a heater you just throw 97. Yeah, it's just kind of a daniel Soft seven and six six and a half soft thick, dude. Yeah, just one of those big uncut brown

The pirates just fucking the pirates just brought clean water to your whole village. Do you? Yeah I would love that That'll be awesome, dude That's a that's that'll be fucking tight I think having sonar would be pretty cool too dolphins have that right echo location bats Ah bats, you know my opinion on but I just I walk into a room full of women and I start screaming a really high pitch tone And then I find the one with the the tightest pussy it based on circumference

Go out there How you doing? Yeah, I after I'm finished screeching the echo And then I just extend my elephant ears at them until they're so impressed that they have that sex with me I really marvel at Nick's uh ability to just invent new ways of woman bothering on every episode I Not only shouting for the purpose of sex you found a way to both harass a woman verbally while looking at her pussy Yeah, well I said sonar I said sonar would be pretty cool. I don't know what you thought I meant by that other than

screeching to Find out the physical dimensions of a room full of women's vaginas Ah Fuck yes, dude. Mm-hmm. I respect that Yep, yeah, agent's really like respect I know that's a big part of their thing is respect Yeah, and honor. Yeah sitting down in uncomfortable ways and Respecting each other. Mm-hmm, and I really wish I could have that breakfast in Tokyo every day

You could dude No become a Harajuku boy Move to Harajuku. Yeah, sir wearing pink. I don't know sir. I don't want to be like one of those dresses those expat people Yeah, they were nice, but I felt like it was weird. Yeah, they were pathetic. Well, no, they were nice Did you just get to the sense that they like? Have been in a cave or something exactly. Yes, it's like you're not you don't have anything in common with any of these people And they don't want you they're completely disconnected from like the world you belong in right? It's like it's like when a fuck it it's like if you grew up

Locked in a mall overnight kind of yeah, it's a lot of guys that probably still use the term and identify with metrosexual Wow last time that they've been in America was in like 2005. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's like their whole culture is like made up of like I don't know a thousand people Not even they probably have like Oh, the X 30 friends. Yeah Yeah, I was thinking you're talking about those comics. I was thinking about those dudes at the fucking anti stores No, those those were visitors, dude. Those were all visitors. Yeah, we're talking about the guys that live in japan and just sort of like kind of normal

Damn But they're probably on visas there though. They're probably not No, dude, they probably live there I think it's really hard to get so they knocked up Japanese women. That's what everyone that's what they do. Yeah, that's what those african guys do GIs Yeah, yeah, all that shit Oh, yeah, whoa cool If you could be an expat anywhere though

Would you be you'd be like a Thailand guy at him doing sex crimes? Um, yeah, Thailand, you know saving saving boys from caves. I live in Amsterdam, baby Oh smoking that loud and gone shot right on my bicycle getting absolutely An incredible amount of illicit pussy, but it's for free or but it's legal And then also going to museums I fucking love Amsterdam, dude. I want to I want to have a little boat and have a fucking bike Have a wife that just fucking makes me

Like a little cheese pie a big titted wife wearing clogs heavy heavy titted wife With blonde ass freckles and shit Damn, dude, I fucked her you fucked my fictional wife. Yeah, you fucked Ingrid. Yeah, I fucked Ingrid That's low even for you adam. Oh, I can go lower. Did you fuck my little son also? Yes Did my son I fucked Petter My son Petter topped you. Yeah Yeah Petter van Halkus, that's right, dude

Von Halkus Is that where von Dutch started? Is that a Dutch company? Yes Is that what they're all like over there? Everyone everyone wears von Dutch It's just guys that look like Ashton Kutcher and it doesn't look like Paris Hilton dude, 2000 2003 is alive and well trucker hats belts with like

Holds in the middle of them pranking celebrities. Oh, yeah Yeah, that was great. I did use those worth of days. I used to love prank shows The war in Iraq we didn't know is a lie yet. Yeah, I still trusted Colin Powell Yeah, I said god damn it If he isn't an honorable man, I don't know who I still thought well at least Colin Powell We could trust him because he's black Yeah, and he's named after Donald. He's named after an asshole Yeah, what the fuck? What shouldn't his name be Colin? Yeah, it's colon

Damn, you're right. He is named after an asshole. Yeah male G spot Powell dude. No, that's the prostate What's the colon? It's your asshole. I think it's a it's a part. It's a tube in your ass. It's a large intestine Oh, it's a big tube in your ass. It goes to your ass The colon connects to your ass That if you get colon cancer is basically ass cancer. That's right. It's a tube in your ass But prostate cancer is also ass cancer. That's the that's the that's the part the prostate is the back of your dick It's where your asshole and dick intertwine. Uh-huh It's one of god's most beautiful inventions

If you'll recall from road trip where stifler gets three fingers And his ass that was a big moment for queer culture in this country That is what I did talking about getting Penetrated in us. I did try and get I put a pencil and then a candle at my ass to try and To hit that I put an electric toothbrush In my ass made it buzz And then you know, my dad didn't even notice that his toothbrush was missing. It was tasted funny Is that a true story? No, I made it up. He did it Brussels up

Bristle, I mean Yeah, let's see. Let's see what this whole gay thing's all about I don't I know people that Uh Do ass stuff that aren't gay. Yeah. No, that's my friend. My friend like wants his wife to peg him It's really his wife. Yeah, I don't know if they've done it or not. He wants it. Yeah, that's so funny. Please fuck my ass They're having lasagna So carol, have you given any thought to that thing I was talking about? Yeah

I just it feels weird. I like the idea of telling your friends that you want it before your wife's even giving it up Just putting the political pressure on her. I remember seeing some video of like a security footage from some like Business or whatever and they caught like one of the employees beating off at work when he thought he was the only one there Absolutely, but he pulls his pants all the way down and shoves his finger up his ass while he's beating off And it's like man It must suck to be into that because then you have to do that every time Yeah, dude, you just always have shit on your hand. Yeah, your index finger. Yeah, you wash your hands. Yeah But it's under your nails. Yeah, that smell doesn't come off every day. It's like a tree sap. Yeah, that's true

But how do gay guys do it? They seem so clean. I miss climbing trees That was a simple pleasure I get up there, dude. I was pretty good too. I think they used to have to yell at me I get to the top of the tree and I would refuse to come down No Throw things at people. No, I wouldn't say anything. I'd sit up there silently and ignore their pleas To return very zen like I would throw my shoes is awful earth

I You know, I found it to be very overrated climbing trees. Yeah, there's just you know, I could have But I thought it was stupid. Yeah, but I definitely could have And I want that on the record I could climb trees. I could climb fences I could do a whole lot of vertical stuff No problem We should get we should get back into that kind of stuff guys 30 is not too old

To get you know scuffed up knees again. Well, you can go rock climbing. Yeah, everyone rock. Yeah, people do that Shit, I can't do it. My arms are too short Your arms are too short. Yeah, my ape index sucks. They call your ape index. It's the uh, that seems like it's your height versus your wings, man That really seems like it should not be the name Yeah, it's fucked up now that I say it out loud. I never really thought of that, but I was dating a girl. That was a rock climber And that's what she said. Yeah Yeah, she was also a member of the clue clocks Did you have any other political leanings? No, she was pretty she she was not your ape index. Yeah

Imagine being like a black guy getting into rock climbing I mean if your wingspan is like two inches longer than your height, you're a plus two ape index But my arms I think are shorter than my height. Yeah, mine probably are too probably means I'm our black eyes into rock climbing No, but they are it's like any other sport. They'd probably be the best at it. Yeah, probably kill it They'd probably have to change the design of the prison walls after That became a popular thing Yeah, they wouldn't have to put in that specific index is something that index. Yeah, which I will not name Because it's very problematic

I really hope I didn't just make that up I really hope that isn't something that I just made Sounds right. I think it's right. Yeah They gotta it would look really bad because there's no way the people that started that aren't weren't leaps index or ape factor Or gorilla index damn Is that a picture of the vitruvian man on that wikipedia article that is very good. You know what the name of that thing is Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci's vitruvian man. I wish he had I wish they had his dick going in eight different directions, too Yeah

See his dick going at all his dick twelve o'clock three o'clock nine o'clock hard ass dick leaning a bunch of different ways Get get back on it leonardo. You old pervert He was uh fucking boys I think he was fucking men. Oh, that's all he's a homosexual. He was just a good old as was isaac newton. I believe Isaac newton was too. Yeah, because everyone says he died of virgin because he didn't have a wife, but it's like Come on, man He was a gay nerd. He was a confirmed bachelor. Yeah, exactly. One of those That was nice before the whole

You know people accepting gay people you could just be seen as like an old pimp. Yeah A bachelor A Hugh Heffner type Oh my god, look at that guy. He's such a batch. He's a fucking pimp. He must be a real pimp I wish I was a bachelor. He's been single for 30 years. Imagine all the pussy. He's gotten the snatch alert the snatch alert On tonight's episode of the snatch alert Which is like the bachelor, but He puts the rose in their pussy. Oh, I thought he is just a does a blindfold sniff test. That would be good, too

Yeah It's one episode long He smells 24 vaginas if you smell 24 in a row Could you even tell the difference? Well, you'd have to have some sort of grading rubric After each one you'd have to cleanse your uh, you'd have to your nostrils. You have to like salt in between. Yeah, you'd have to have a fresh Kind of a fresh perspective Before each new puss Kind of like how you eat ginger in between different types of fish when you're eating sushi

I out two girls in quick succession and I put I used a saltine cracker Like the Pepsi challenge to give them each to make sure I wasn't You know So I could go and fresh each it's a clever way to To sneak eating saltine crackers in the back Having sex Sob, you're a real pussy connoisseur Oh, no, I I'm not just eating crackers

Yeah, no, it's gonna take a whole sleeve I'm not trying to incorporate eating into this threesome, which will probably never happen again Happen twice. Thank you. That's pretty cool. Yeah, thanks Um Nick, do you ever it was too much. Do you ever fuck two guys at the same time? I got him. No, never What's that called the devil's gay sex? Yep Just have a whole recycling symbol looking it'd be tight if Kavanaugh was like Uh, that refers to gay sex me and two of my friends were having

Yes, that would be the devil's the devil's triangle is when three guys have sex with each other. So there's no way Garth over here could have been involved in that That would rule if he was just like I didn't rape. I was gay. Yeah, he's like I only had gay sex until like I had to pretend to be christian to become president or whatever I am The king of being a judge or whatever job this is Yeah, council of it. Yeah, until actually it you can ask the FBI. I pretty much was gay until last week Isn't that right? They just bring the FBI in and just show Pictures of him holding hands with guys. Yeah getting fucking

Getting brunch together. Yeah, they called it Georgetown prep because they needed that for all the HIP. That's really invented prep. Yeah Yeah Thank you Nice. Nice. Thank you What'd you do today, Adam I was working on my 2018 Taxes damn still haven't done your taxes you lazy bitch. Well, hopefully by the end of this week, they'll be done Me and Nick are business owners. All right. No, well my LLC or my escort will be done also this week, too

Waiting the small cock operational federal government to cash that fucking check. So I know how much money I have Didn't cashers yet. No, the state did but not the federal government They cashed my shit. Well, I'd probably send them off at different days. Yeah, that's true Or If you dick is small they wait longer Hold on. I'm just getting a phone call Who's that the government IRS? Yeah Oh, oh, you do wait really a long time if their dick is small

But if their dick is big you you do it immediately. Oh, okay. Thank you. Oh, I'm looking at my bank statement. I guess they cashed it Weeks and weeks ago, and that's why I didn't see it My mistake Damn it. Hold on. I'm getting another call. Um Um, oh psych Oh, the IRS said psych And actually the earlier the year and that they haven't cashed mine yet Oh, well now I've realized I was looking at your bank account

Which I have access to At the bank they said if your dick's bigger than another guy's you just get access to his bank account What? Wait, let me call the bank real quick I just they they checked our files and said I deserved to have access to your bank account Yeah, no, that's what's happening Oh, let me tab over to mine and yeah, it looks like whatever we said the thing is Is now in my favor I just called someone and they told me that the other thing actually was yeah

Well, I just got a a Megan alert on my phone. It says you're gay My phone's buzzing an amber alert. I'm getting a Megan's law thing here that says you're a faggot Wow, that is fucked up, dude I'm about to call apple. Well, actually apple just called me and they said every iphone is wrong Damn But I guess we'll probably have to go deal with that then Yeah, yes. All right. Bye guys