The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 151 – Pussy for lobster

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

rip to the church

And we if you're just joining us, we're coming back now. I'm gonna take a little break there Adam got a little too racist. Yeah, dude, the guests he was telling us fucked up, man He's telling us some he went to the Bernie Sanders town hall Bethlehem Oh blackface fully in black fully in blackface. He's like we got too many Chinese People are like what are you Adam Friedland from the come-down pockets like not dog I'm a black guy that hates Chinese people trying to trying to

So discord among the yang gang Interesting you went as a double agent. Yeah, double agent Much like most sinister Jews I keep it open for the double triple That's right. Yeah, it'll be hilarious. You go to CNN town hall and then like, you know, they have all their planted guests And then you just get up in blackface and be like, excuse me as a black man. I Was wondering why we commit so many crimes You what you what kind of laws you would pass to kill people like me who just love doing crimes and carrying guns often By the way that they can't they can't find afterwards

What are we gonna do about this disappearing gun problem that's black as a black man I'm worried that we're getting too good at hiding our fire Which we're legally allowed to have in Obama's America I'm afraid we're drawing too much suspicion to good cops with our disappearing guns Yeah, dude, that was fucked up that you did that at him Garfield lasagna who is a welfare collector from Toledo, Ohio? How you doing Garfield lasagna L apostrophe It's on the Kyron Garfield

L apostrophe Garfield Garfield lasagna. How you doing? I'm currently employed as a man who collects welfare Um As you know, I live in in the projects with it with a bfw drop escalate. I got it I got a BMW escalate satellite satellite TV And I have a microwave as well. I live off. I have a microwave and I live off candy I get to eat nothing but candy all day long which proves how nice I have it welfare candy But I have the same food that you can purchase in a for-profit prison Which I will probably end up in sooner rather than later

I want to know why I'm not pairing my fair share of taxes Why I don't do any of my work why I'm so lazy. Can you answer that mr. Bernie Sanders? Well, I'll tell you mr. Lasagna. I think it's a Well real shame that Amazon is also doing the things that you're doing That's we ain't talking about Amazon right now Listen here Y'all you leave the job create those out of it the bread bear and blackface just drunk I was just wondering why why colored fellas like myself

Hate going to work so dang so dang much Mr. Bernie Sanders And what do you plan to do to deal with the guys like me who are probably part of the muslim brotherhood? Hi, yeah, my name is uh, my name is is turtis lasheshawar Uh, I was just wondering As a black lives matter member, I'm I'm I can't wait to kill police officers I want to know why I'm why I'm I'm posed to go to damn college This is the third and clearly in blackface

We brought the ask questions here. I don't uh understand why There's so many african americans here Whose lips extend all the way up to their nose It seemed to be painted onto their face, but I'm gonna have to take a break here There's a fire alarm goes off and right a sprinklers go off and just Lou Dobbs You know stumbling in with his feet bound and a geisha outfit on I also have a question

Um, why why why we get to come here and go hovered? Why only we go hovered That's a very good question Uh, mrs. Ling Ling was it? Yeah God damn shuts out to Bernie the god though. Yeah sucking all fox news out there I'll tell you here. We are at the Bethlehem steel stacks And you know a lot of people used to work here and they came anymore because i'm gay What oh uh

Sorry I I didn't mean I didn't mean the last part. That's just what is always constantly running through my head. I get confused And I think I'm gay Sometimes Who amongst us has not considered himself to be a homosexual from time to time every single member of this country has had gay thoughts Every single person in this country has had gay thoughts It is natural. What is unnatural is these corporations paying no federal tax? No get federal taxes Look, I made five hundred and seventy thousand dollars last year because I filmed a sex tape

With David with David Hasselhoff and it was a very good sex tape. Maybe you should look it up And if there's anyone that thinks I should apologize for sodomizing Doing a Baywatch porn parody and sodomizing David Hasselhoff. I'm not going to do it Maybe you should get Donald Trump up here and ask him why he had sex with David Hasselhoff Yes, yes, ma'am. That is correct. That is correct, ma'am Oh, fuck dude Bernard, dude. When's when's motherfucking wins a finger pop and Joe gonna be in the race?

I just wanted I just wanted to ask you a question Yeah, my name is uh Pontiac Bonneville I wanted to know why Why why ain't they the damn sneakers ain't free? I believe uh, you are the same man who claimed to be Garfield lasagna from earlier, but wearing a hat now How come why come didn't let the brothers kill the president? I That's why I wouldn't know do you remember jr. Obama when they did that video?

Yeah, we are trying to kill motherfucking down Trump The police says we could They did that video where that like white kid dressed up like a pimp and then went to acorn They're like credit letting and they were like we fucking got him But it was that fucking like like white boy like just wearing a mink coat. Yeah It was like basically doing like that was awesome. I mean they they they basically have tried to do that in terms of like gotcha What's the gotcha acorn about I think he was trying to say that he wanted to get a loan for his hose or something I forgot. I actually have I don't even oh, so the the joke is that when you do an obvious prank

The bank tells you to fuck off No, what is acorn is they weren't it was like a community lending thing. Oh, I think Maybe I'm I don't know and the acorn all I remember is that all I remember is that the guy dressed up like a pimp That's good shit, man But in like the most obvious like halloween costume That was a big halloween costume the purple-ass pink or the purple-ass pimp uniform. Oh, yeah The big hat you can't do that anymore with this pc culture. Can you guys? Yeah, not because you can't do a pimps and hoes party claim

My Cosmo claim I wrote. Oh, yeah, correct claim. I did Yeah, this is all yeah, how you how you doing mr. Burnett Sanders. I just want to say Kramer was right And for starters Kramer was right and secondly I love rape and everyone looks like me does I love raping white women And These are very peculiar questions. I don't exactly understand what we are covering here today Uh, yeah, how you doing? I was wondering if uh, if uh, my name is uh, my name is kb toys I live off scratch off lottery tickets

I'm wondering is you go on is you go on let the brothers beat day dick in the library? What are you going kinds of laws saying the brothers can beat day dick in the library Well, we are certainly going to fund the public projects like libraries folks. You saw these questions asked here We are not making these people up. This is what this is obama's america These are the people who live in obama's america I wish dude. Yeah, my name suitcase call wash. No, I was wondering When when is there gonna be a law says everybody get gold teeth? I'll try to have a shiny smile, you know

Oh, what is what is your question? What's gonna be got gold teeth on the money? Oh fuck Yeah, that's a little political take a little satire for you guys This fox news is putting people in blackface to ask questions Yep, yeah, that's our packet. How you doing? I'm a middle-class black man. That's never experienced any kind of racism It's only profited off of I find that the real racists are black people

And I just want to say that white people are cool The dick's big they could have danced it. Yeah Oh, fuck man What was uh, yeah, I was uh, I have a tattoo of john mccain on On my back Now john mccain's not cool. Is he They like john mccain. Do they yeah, even though trump hit him up, dude. Yeah, the fox news loves john mccain. Still. Yeah I thought they're trumps guys. No a drama. John. I mean some of them are but like john mccain is like the

The republican I don't think any more for those folks. Well, he's dead. Yeah, he's dead. No, he got cucked. Yeah, he's a cuck No, I really love john mccain. Trump cucked him Trump fucked Cindy and then she called the police on a mixed-race mother and child Because the child The dick had her so good Dick had her making up a that's right. You know, I heard that donald trump actually came in john mccain's mask for his fighter jet Back in the day. I didn't know that and that's what caused him to crash like

Yeah, is that he was like Uh, ten four ghost maverick. I'm gonna take I'm like, what the fuck? I'm choking. I think I There was something I think donald trump's cum is in my plain mask Donald tricky donald put his cum in my jet mask We think don don was doing when uh, john mccain was in vietnam. Was he just ramping? He got just got out so much pussy. Yeah

Yeah, he's getting pussy like a smart person because he said I'm going to war like a loser Oh, I would have gotten out of that shit. Oh, yeah My nuts are too heavy to go to war. I would have had my rabbi write a letter Say he's too sensitive Yeah, stop got four inched from the militant That's right if I have the four inch on him That's right. Sorry, sir. Your dick is too small to go to war if the japanese see it though They already think they're the best race. That's the only thing we have

It's a cutting trick because those four inch guys are now fucking those big dick soldiers wives. That's right, right? Oh, dude, so it's a circle. I would have been here. I would have been here Fucking every gi's bitch, dude. You know what I'm saying. Yep. I would have been I would have been you know that somehow with the the big dick guys stayed in america The small dick guys are like I have to go kill people. Yeah, that just served their kindring Yeah, and he goes to your main page. Yeah, that's true. I would have been the umpire in a league of their own Gotten. Yeah that way. Yeah, that's right. I'm sucked off by rosie. Rosie got sucked off by madonna. Rosie again Back to rosie back to rosie for that fucking ample pussy. Yeah, you know, I mean we get tired of those

I would be an information broker a north african information That's my thing in world war two. Yeah sitting in a cafe in morocco. They're like, yeah, I know a little bit about this headler guy Wearing a white suit. Yeah, white suit Paying him a hat. Yes, sir. Classic. Yes. We got an ape feeding me dates I would have been all the dogs a little a little like Reese's monkey that Runs around and steals coins from people and brings them to me and I gotta thank you adam You'd name your monkey adam. What'd you just say? What what did you just say? I thought you said you'd have a one thing you're hallucinating

I don't hear the monkey say anything. No, I I he said you named your monkey adam But it sounded like the I don't think so So if you want to edit that I didn't say that it sounds a lot like it I would be on the dogs during the war. We got it baked in I think Even on the docks. Yeah, I would be uh, I would be keeping those suits white boosting morale for the for the For the boys for the seamen whatever they came in really what I would be doing is spying on the unions and then ratting them out to the government Nice

That's that's what uh, that's what Meyer Lansky did during the war. Yeah, who's Meyer Lansky? He was like, uh, he's a mobster guy. Green was based off. Oh, really? Okay, keep talking. I'm interested. I was basically like they were like where the gangs worked in New York back in the day Was in 1800s. They were all irish guys right and then the italians and jews came over And the irish were like, oh, well, we'll just start an even bigger gang called the police department And then they all became cops and salute. Yeah, and then the italian and jews were like the italians are like Yo, we'll be the ones that boss people around and you can count all the money And then that's that's where and then oh everyone but the italians got out of it. They were like, no, this is cool

Yeah, we're gonna keep doing crying. I was laughing earlier about like so, you know, like Notre Dame or burnt. Notre Dame. Yeah It burned down the gas a little church everyone sat about. Yeah, fuck that church. Well, burn. Yeah, what's your take? Let's hear I don't fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, it's a gas church. Yeah, why I don't give a fuck that it burned down It's historic dude. Whatever do there's other churches. They invented flying buttresses What's that? It's like the way they break the wall. They got a drone that has butt cheeks flying butt cheeks. No What Notre Dame had some kind of architecture that you like Well, it was like historically significant. Yeah, who cares dude? Fuck that. I mean, it's not even burnt down It's like one third of the roof and the spire

It'll be all right. Anyways, I was laughing earlier about so burned down because it's like they were doing renovations or whatever and it's just imagining just that like It's just fucking Staten Island general contracting company that had that contract. They're like, yeah, we cut a couple of corners You got to make money on the back end. I want a buddy, you know You want to keep your building fancy? You know, maybe spend a little bit more cash Well, now they can put an even cooler We let the scaparelli's general Fix the church

Wow, we do these again. It's the fuck ass in our ass Just a bunch of fucking stucco. Yeah, just a shitty ass. Are you glad it burned down because of colonialism? Yeah, dude Like I give a fuck about that. Yeah, dude. Saif is just like I was always trying to talk about Syria Always trying to talk about Yemen, you know the real problems not some fucking Mayo ass cracker ass building. No one would have known about that shit if it wasn't for that fucking Disney cartoon and I guess before Tarzan. It was a book. Yeah I believe for real though. Who aren't there like a bunch of fucking who is is that victor hugo? Yeah, I think so hugo. What else did you go or hugo?

I think people say hugo. Yeah I don't know. I don't know how to pronounce Is it right the count of Monte Cristo is Jules Verne's name Jules Verne? Yeah, Leonardo Caprio didn't slam Do you say Jules Verne is Jules Verne or is it something different because it's French? Yeah, like I don't I don't I never give what did hugo? What else did hugo write the three musketeers? No, that's a good one Was that yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. No, late. No count of Monte Cristo was uh, Alexander Dumas. Yeah, Dumas. Dumas. But that one you do say like Dumas. That was the three musketeers was Alexander Dumas

Victor Hugo was Le Mizz What's the one with the guys in an iron mask? Um That was Jerry Bruckheimer. Yeah. No. No, isn't that count of Monte Cristo? No, that was Nicholas Sparks That was the man in the iron mask The one with the guy in the iron mask. That's not count of Monte Cristo. Oh, that's that's right. I thought that What about the cask of a lotto? I confused the isn't that another one five minutes ago the cask of a Montalado Where you put a motherfucker your enemy in the motherfucking basement?

Wall is ass up say goodbye bitch. How about the fuck your bitch? Yeah, it is Victor Hugo He wrote hunchback and uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What else do you write was he a one hit wonder? No, lame is lame is in hunchback Oh, shit. That's that's a nice two-some right there. Yeah, wait is hunchback a Notre Dame a fucking musical. No, that's uh, that was a later They made a musical out of that there's In one of my favorite tell me lame one of my favorite songs from the movie is when the hunchback tries to get through the alphabet Every time he gets the F they get the shit out of him because he's

I was sitting around the house by myself laughing about like teaching an immigrant the alphabet song But you teach him all the wrong letters. So he's like I am You see It's the same letters It doesn't know even though it's the same exact Yeah It's the same

You'd have to find like a chinese guy Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's no idea what the letters are i am o v e d i c k s u c k i m g d i c k i a m g A what Mr. Lee that's not the alphabet Mr. Lee someone's led you astray. He said it's a jib test

We have said the right the alphabet the american alphabet and he wrote I love sucking dick I Yeah, he's just writing it down Well, that's something you can bet on a bet the si bet the si figure out what the alphabet is And you can place your bets on who victor hugo is you know A lot of people don't know bet the si they've been as sexy. Did he fuck did he fuck bet the si has been in the betting business for over 20 years Oh, yes, they have of legal age Oh, you know fuck

You could bend over bet the si and eat its ass. No problem. Yeah, i'm gonna two years ago. You could have I was just checking something we said earlier. What what were you checking about if Alexander do moss also did counter money crystal did he he also did and three musketeers Yeah, two books that i'd count on that bet the si dot com the premier counting website Oh, dude, you got you want to count to seven you want to count to 12 four Yeah 110 a lot of our listeners don't haven't learned counting not yet. They're learning counting That's why we do the alphabet

The alphabet with one nick just did that's the alphabet. So do that say that the people complain about the alphabet episodes But there are i'd say 65 to 70 percent of our listeners don't know the Issue this is sort of like an offshoot of sesame street. Absolutely. It's sesame two streets Where elmo got fucked elmo got raped In a in a oscar. Yeah, oscar the grouch because what's on the bottom of that trash can harvey winestein's dick. Uh-huh Uh-huh, they're like trying to force oscar's head down with the lid of the trash. That's right to suck that little fucker I can't stop. It's too late

It already happened once and now I think it's it's a net positive for my career Elmo doesn't like this hellish existence Anyways, you can bet on bettos.com. They've been in business over 20 years. They got an award-winning mobile Interface interface not an app. We've learned. It's not an app. It's just a mobile website is award-winning. Yeah Why would they need an app if their interface is so I don't know how the fuck don't they have how the fuck they didn't win an award either. I just been saying that I guess that was I'd never looked at the copy until last week Yeah, apparently, uh, uh, they don't have an app at all, which is

Well, I mean, yeah, I guess I there's a lot of websites where like I never use the patreon app I just use the fuck. I use safari on my phone You know because it's better to just use that. Oh, yeah, a lot of things don't have apps. Yeah, you need apps I'm trying to buy that's why they want all those awards Yep, you know, there's too many apps you go on the app store and it's like the just change sex. That's right Chinese kids pumping out apps. This is gonna be the next one. Yeah. Yeah, it's no game. Well, you shine flashlight a dog There is a lot of games where either the I get a lot of Instagram ads where it's like It looks like family guy, but they're cavemen. You guys ever get those ads? No

I think that's I think the algorithm just figured out something about your brain I think the algorithm just figured out something about your brain Yeah, this guy's definitely one of those simpsons caveman kind of fellas That's our demo. Yeah, my favorite is the one where it's like you won't last five minutes playing this game Without it's like is it because I'm bad at it. I don't write why won't I last does the game suck? Yeah, yeah, you're making it seem like this game sucks. It does suck. Yeah easy to use mobile playing interface play when you're paid They offer odds on pretty much everything else too. Even though we haven't mentioned anything yet. No, that's my favorite This is a gobby bet these eyes been a business over 20 years paying winners

It's easy to use mobile playing interface play when get paid bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else too I mean, I guess you can assume politics reality TV. Yeah all major sports politics You know, how many black people are going to be at the Fox News Town Hall of it Reality TV pretty much everything bet the SI is a great mobile app. Oh, I guess I do have an app Yeah, the surprise twist Is you keep reading the copy and there Oh, they have enough, you know what the last week the first time I read the copy. I only went to talking points in This time I've gone for and now it turns out they do have an app

Well, we find it out that they've won awards. I'm gonna be this is gonna be great They have a great mobile app easy to use for many where we do we did know that remember that part That's why we said it Shut up. That's why we've been saying it for weeks. Come on Come on, man. You're right. You're right. You're right. Give it a second. Just relax Chilled. I'm cool. I'm chilled. You're getting all worked up. I'm chillax You're worked up, dude. You're you're about to start some tasty vibes. You're about to start state racist stuff I know. Yeah, don't don't make us start the episode over again. We don't have to do it again, dude

We did 45 minutes of classic stuff. It's just a word Adam shouldn't give it a number Sneezing Can't blame me on his allergies. Well, I'm allergic to the cat The cat makes me say the word. Yeah, you said you were allergic to cats referring to guys who play jazz music Oh, yeah, those kind of couple older older gentlemen the old brothers They offer live in-game wagering you can make plays throughout the entire game and events I love smart. What's the smart money doing a smart place? Smart place. That's a bad play, Leo

You bet against the Warriors. Geez. I don't even know what the odds and you know what smart money is probably to bet on the nuggets I haven't looked at the odds. They're gonna be the spurs spurs are up game one I think that game is tonight. So yeah, it won't hurt Um, what is today? Today is Tuesday tomorrow the episode comes out. Gotcha So maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong, but you know what bet on the fucking bucks to win the whole goddamn thing Fuck the Warriors. They just dropped a stunner to the clips I would say bet on the Warriors in the next game because they're not gonna fuck up after

31 point lead But exactly that there won't be people. I think credibly think the spurs can win the nugget the nugget series No one thinks the clippers are gonna win that series. Yeah, if anything the lines are gonna go the other way I would think On what do I know? I just have a nice hard dick I hope I live to see the Chinese invade and just erase all of our culture Except basketball. It would be no everything no more podcast nothing There's no games nothing in it because it would be nice to get to like the end of your life and you're like, oh

It's all meaningless. Yeah, I know it is but to have Something that makes it feel real right by being like imprisoned by the Chinese This is a constant trope that you bring up a lot. I don't know. I can't wait to be imprisoned by the Chinese Think about it pretty bad. Will the Chinese be our new overlords? Yeah using promo code Just fucking Louie Dobbs dressed as a geisha Stumbling in Why do we get to why do we get He's clearly a

six foot seven Uh, so when you make when you sign up make sure to use promo code and this is on bet the si.com by the way If you if you didn't know which is a mobile sports. It's got a website. It's got a mobile website It's got an app. They got a mobile website. You got pussy. You can just call Call the pussy on the line. My name's Carl I like betting on bet the si.com Hey Carl, how are you? It's hard to do him

My name is Carl. Hmm Some folks call it gay sex When you sign up make sure you use promo code come 120 so they know we sent you when you sign up You've got some options. You can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money Which is like getting a casino comp upfront Before you've had sex at the tables It has a rollover requirement, but it's usually you have to wait until you have sex. It's free gay sex But it's free gay if you're going to be having gay sex in the sports book, which is where we like to fuck guys

If you use promo code come i'm gay 120 cum 120 you're gay you're gay if you use it up to a thousand dollars A thousand dollars are going to give you 60 bonus cash Which would turn a thousand dollars into 1600 play with so once again, that's bet the si.com Uh go there for gay once come on 20. Let's start the show. Let's start it. Yeah Under under Darcy under Darcy Every every time I go to see your breasts. You do not show me why I want to pinch her breasts I

As a love star there's one thing I want to do it's to pinch Little mermaid fucking Sebastian definitely that's definitely Yeah, but what do you think his dick is huge and putting his claw in her pussy? And just opening just using her whole yeah, she's just putting the whole lobster in her pussy Do you think or do you think he's drawn with a dick the size of his body? I don't know Sebastian sex. I'm wondering what this adam, what do you think? How do you think the sex How is Sebastian fucking looks like Anthony Cooney? Yeah, I guess he is kind of like a rapist lobster In a way in a metaphorically speaking. Yeah

Meta Yeah, I mean anything anything for them fucking Uh, I think that he would probably put his claw into her pussy and then open it up sort of like To enlarge the hole. Why not put his tail in there and flap around a little bit. Oh lobster tail Well, he is a lobster, which means that he's probably really into Jordan B. Peterson So Wait, why is it because doesn't Jordan Peterson talk about lobsters? I don't know. He's probably into more traditional forms of sex like uh

Quiet fucking. Oh, yeah, nothing like a quiet fuck dude missionary quiet. Do you ever go to a silent disco a silent rave? Well, I do silent disco for sex. That's what I mean. I put me two headphones me and my sexual partner You wearing this is canceling heads somebody somebody combined Nigel Thorne variant Ursula. Oh, I hate that that sucks It's terrible. Yeah under my balls under my balls I have a rash under my little balls. I can't wait to fuck You're not gonna get the fucker. Uh, it's Sebastian. I want it The lobster the only thing I want is to fuck a pussy What would you even do with mermaid pussy?

Oh, here's a good one You you are a gay fucker. Hey, man. You don't make me go to HR again. You are a gay fucker I am the lobster who fucks I cannot wait to get pussy Every day I sit on this rock and I think about how to get a pussy Why don't you just fuck lobsters? Shut up I can't wait to

Oh I didn't want to use my claw to get a pussy Here's a cartoon of Ariel fucking her dad king try nice. Where's her pussy and they both have legs. That's how they got around it Yeah, but they are under the sea still. What the fuck he was kind of like a jacked old man. He was hot, dude He really was he had a great bar Yeah, he was a traditional daddy. Yeah Ursula big big big lesbian. I want to see king titan and tony the tiger Fighting over the top position. Yes, dude a wrestling a gay gay sex wrestling match Yeah, they have a gay sex wrestling match and then one of them finally gets top position and fucks the other one

And then he looks through the crowd and he says, are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? I want to do that to Ariel. I cannot wait to get pussy May Griffin get fucking Have you ever tried just talking to a girl clown? That is fucking I just want to ask her out on a date because I want to fuck God so but Ariel how are you good?

I wrote a gay song to impress. I wrote a look at me. I wrote a gay song to impress Ariel About leaving under the sea And hopeful that she likes my gay song so I can have sex with top pussy I Never do I wrote a song. It didn't work. She did not like that. I'm going to kill every girl lobster in the under the sea I had to get a pussy If I mix me so bad that I do not get Oh shit PlayStation 5 what

It's coming out this year though. When? Oh, you don't nick. You don't do you know about this? I don't read gaming this bro You tell me you're not excited for a fifth playstation No, I mean, it's like you gotta wait because you gotta wait two fucking years after it comes out and then they're like, oh, here's one with like the bigger hard drive and you know Yeah, it's like a fucking overheating every day. You want to wait until the no I'm getting it immediately. What do you expect from sony's next generation racing support and 3d audio? What the fuck is 3d audio psvr and hj support?

Oh, yeah, it's just around some but how do you do it if you don't have surround nine channels? You suck my dick. That's how Yep, sorry, Adam. What? I have bad news Sebastian are you gonna rape at him? I'm going to rip I cannot wait to rip him To get back at area I will show the only way to not be a virgin anymore is you have to rip a virgin And that will cure you of being a virgin. You could just have sex. I don't know

I've never done it I do not know if I have a dick Because I am a lobster I think I lay eggs But I want to All I want to do is fuck area Yeah, but I can't because I don't understand his own body. Doesn't nobody has a cock or a pussy if he lays eggs Because I think I lay eggs

But I want a pussy. But I want it. I want to fuck But I do not know what to put into her pussy I don't think I have a dick He's not sure He's not sure if he has a dick or not I cannot I cannot see it All I can see are my clothes

My body is made so all I can see is my clothes I don't know what my body look like behind my head I think I have many legs like a spider Is that what it feels like? But I do not know if I have a dick Do I have a dick? Do I have a dick? All I see is a tail

God damn it Do you think I can put the tail in Ariel's pussy? What are you guys up to? Oh Ariel! We were just talking about Kwanzaa My favorite holiday Kwanzaa Anyways What that pussy do?

Excuse me? I mean under the sea? Do you know my song for you? He's Jamaican actually right? Yeah he's not African I do not know if I'm Jamaican or African It would be better if he was African It makes no sense at all The lobsters are from like fucking New England

That is true She'd be like Ariel Under the sea We gotta get what I would love to do Is to get a piece of that cold Irish fish pussy Someone that just very No elasticity left in it Just thick Irish pussy

What did you just do? I just hit the... We don't have the wind guard I hit my tooth with the... We've been raw dogging the last few episodes I'm gonna win The new movies we're going less equipment I'm taking low-fided

I'm taking low-fided Kind of acoustic style podcast Dylan goes back to acoustic Dylan Roof He was named after Bob Dylan Oh really? Yeah it's weird There's one thing I hate it's these

Fucking boobs Trying to pray I got some you can pray to It's a black 19 And she said Miss her please Don't kill me But too late

I'm racist This fucking beanbag chair God damn it You gotta sit on the top of it That's the question My ass cheeks hurt now dude We can switch for the next epi But the way I figured out

How to sit on that Watch the speaker there You have to sit on the top Like you were trying to sit on the top of the beanbag Not in front of it You sink into it It supports your lower back It molds to your body

I hate this Get up Not because you told me to We're not telling you to Suggest this dick How about that motherfucker I'll suggest this dick I can't suggest for your dick

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There's a man whose dick is small And it's broken And you know what Since I started walking My roommate's dick is really small And it's also broken It's on the news Yeah, I can confirm both of those

Your eldest took a turn To what? I can confirm both of those I can say both of those are true Yeah, bluetooth is a dick pill company Oh yeah, they plump your cock up Brother Can I say

And I will continue to use it for special occasions But since cycling in the AMs And taking Taking 10,000 steps every day My little Fitbit My cock has been working pretty good That's a good point to bring up during the read Is that you no longer need bluetooth

But I work better when I have bluetooth Hey guys, come down here for bluetooth.com A completely unnecessary product That Stav no longer needs No, he's taking special occasions I'm saying, maybe it's because here's the thing I've got the point where I need to do exercise For my cock to work

Here's the thing, if you like sex You'll like bluetooth Stav is no good at it He's trash I'm going to order it because I want to Hurt my girlfriend with a larger penis I don't know if I'm sick of her being comfortable with my smaller

Mostly not even hard Penis I don't know if you like bluetooth.com Because I have to take the pills To see if I have a dick Sebastian Whether I have a dick or not But I want to fuck Ariel

Can a lobster take it? Absolutely If you're going to answer Promorphic lobsters out there I don't know if I can chew things I have to crush them with my claws Crush them with your claws and then put them in Then I put the dust in my mouth Put the dust in your mouth

Because I love eating dust If you love eating dust and you want to Rep Ariel Go to bluetooth.com It offers men And lobsters a performance enhancement For the bedroom Wouldn't you like the last longer

And go extra rounds Bluetooth makes the first chewable With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis Chewables work faster than pills Up to twice as fast And you can take bluetooth on a fuller empty stomach It's cheaper than those other two It only takes a few minutes to fill out a form online

No doctor visit, no longer conversation No waiting line They're doing discreet packaging It ships in a bright orange box It says my thing works normal It says danger Gay man's stuff here Danger package

Gay man's products Are being shipped to his house The package speaks actually Bluetooth Chewables are prescribed online By a doctor and made in the USA By a couple of blue collar fellas You know a couple of Staten Island factory guys Kind of guys that worked at the steel stacks

They're getting your cock hard Bluetooth gives you confidence a bit every time You and your partner will love it Chew it and do it Visit bluetooth.com and get your first order free When you use promo code ComeTown And think about our cocks when your cock gets hard

When you look down at your cock and you're about to put it into a pussy Or a man's ass or mouth Think about our cocks Right before you have sex with that woman Right after your dicks got pumped real big off those blue chews Tell them Adam is sovereign Nick sent you Just pay five dollars for shipping

That is bluetooth.com promo code ComeTown So yeah there you go promo code ComeTown I do not like That my body is segments I wish my segments were different Damn I want lobster now dude

Lobster's so good Somebody is trying to eat me I hate when this Bitch try to eat me I like a buttery ass lobster Oh yeah I got something nice and buttery for you Adam If I slathered my cock and butter

And put it in a lobster shell Would you suck it afterwards In a lobster shell So it would get a little flavor So it has a little bit of lobster flavor And then I put butter on it So this is how lobster is made apparently Lobsters have like

Little caves they live in And the female will go to a male Lobster's cave And piss in his face Hell yeah dude That rocks And that's when he knows How does she get pregnant from that

That means she's trying to fuck Oh that's like a mating He's like take a whiff People do that too I guess This is crazy In lobsters the bladder sits below the brain With two reservoirs Storing copious amounts of urine

They love to piss Located just under their eye stalks They're obsessed with pissing He's connected two nozzles Through which both males and females can squirt pee Out of your eyes Yeah this technique Allows their pee to shoot straight out

In front of them Up to seven body lengths away That's the equivalent of a teenager Being able to pee from the back of a 40 foot School bus and hit the front windshield I feel like every time you cried It was pee Do you think you'd cry less?

Yeah The male starts to let loose his own stream Of urine furiously fanning the fin like appendages Called swimmerettes Located under a lobster's tail This action draws her scent inward While flushing a mix of his and her urine out behind him And most lobster

Shelters come out with a back door for quick escapes Mix the aroma of his and her lobster pee Woff sour broadcasting Lovers intentions widely Lobsters may do it in dens But they're far from discreet Eventually the male calms down enough for the female To make her move and enter his den

She'll stay part time at first And only allow him to get to first or second base What? These bitches piss in your face and then only let you suck a titty For a second Sounds like a certain species We all know about These dogs we call human women

Oh don't even get me started These fucking whores I got some thoughts Moving nails species Trying to fucking take down your Bernie Sanders posters Go ahead take it down bitch See what's behind that Bernie Sanders poster Oh yeah it's a head sized fucking hole in the drywall

I guess that's for my ex-girlfriend Oh I forgot about that Yeah you didn't know about that Did you? Yeah A direct threat On the life of Amy Klobuchar Yeah maybe you should put that Bernie Sanders poster back up

We'll have another use for that hole He's storing my My collection of European chocolates When you leave me When you leave me For eating European chocolates My expensive European chocolates

Do you get fatter after breakups? I can't remember when you were Oh big time When I'm sad I just retreat and I get fattish Were you getting fatter when we first met? Yes I was in a feeding I was in a feeding zone

A feeder relationship? It was so funny I remember hanging out with you I don't think that guy could get any fatter Oh brother were you wrong You were pumped up I don't understand How much fatter You were probably 100 pounds bigger than you are now

Close yeah Maybe 70 That's a lot Now Imagine 70 more On this damn frame But that was after a break up I was after my college girlfriend

And I broke up I lose weight But I think it's because I lift weights and work out while I'm in a relationship In a relationship No I just stop going to the gym And if I stop going to the gym I lose weight No I get fattish

The second I get sad I'm hitting the fuck I'm hitting pop eyes Pop guys I have sex with everyone in there Everything alright Yeah the headphone wire Yeah dude I was getting fatt as fuck

Just Taught as hell Dude pop eyes is on fucking Uber Eats Pop eyes is on CMOS now They deliver quick To my house Literally I delivered

I ordered at like 2.30 last week Got to my house In maybe 10 minutes Unbelievable I'm still just trying to find out if lobster's have dicks They do such a good job Yeah well they say they fuck Dude the female lobster takes it's clothes off to have sex

What do you mean it's clothes It removes it's shells The man stays boots on Pants around the knees Have the Air Force ones on for grip Oh yeah You know I'm a through the zipper kind of Fuck lover

I've told you guys that We don't listen to you when you tell us No I told you If anything I'm the opposite I'm fully nude girls clothes Oh you like the girl clothes Cause you're in it for the shoes CMNM

You're in it for the shoes I'm wearing stiletto heels and I'm fully nude The gorgeous shoes Yeah No I'm honestly Someone told me once I forgot who this was That they were into luxury porn

Where it's like he liked seeing a woman wearing Like an expensive ball gown That's a homosexual right That's just a gay man He jacks off I want to see her wear a fabulous dress And then take it off and have sex Fuck that

That's like maybe you wanted to fuck your mom When you were a kid and she used to go To rich galas and stuff Or if you were molested by a rich woman Do you think rich women molest That's what that book Great expectations Belly to Belly they then fan their swimmerettes vigorously

As he inserts the first pair of modified Swimmerettes called Ganopods They were sperm receptacle He's got two cocks Each Ganopod is a half tube That he squeezes together to form a hollow rod Through which the sperm Spermato for his past

She hangs there in the hammock of his arms As he completes several thrusting motions There is more Mutual fanning and urinating And then he gently rolls back over And sets her down Exhausted she returns to the back of the shelter A few days later she'll move out

And another female will move in Oh hell yeah dude That's how it should be Get some pussy Mr. Lobster Take your clothes off Let me fuck And then get the fuck out Have another woman come on

I cannot wait for Ariel to piss in my face Ariel you look like You have to go to the bathroom Perhaps you would like to piss in my face Have you been watching the new David Attenborough Thing on Netflix Hour Planet This is one kind of bird

That in order to fuck It has to do this choreographed dance With three of its friends Hell yes He has to have backup dancers And then the girl is just watching this dance And all day long they just practice this fucking dance And then the girl has to decide

Whether or not at the end they want to fuck And then his three friends like Just huddle up and they're like oh my god is he going to fuck Yeah how you doing Mr. Bunny Sanders My name is My name is Loquacious Volanderlon and I was wondering Why we love dancing so much

You know we just gotta have a goddamn dance we do Anyway But like After all of this The dance is over she's just like She gives like a nod or something And then he just flies behind her one pump Done

Respect You spend more time with your boys Put together the dance practice Just for one pump Does it even feel good to come if you're a lobster Does your swimmerette feel like a top of a dick head I don't think most animals have sex for pleasure I think it's all rape

Nah but the woman's pissing in Faces and stuff That's why Asians are superior they don't have sex for pleasure Yeah they do dude I've seen some pornography It's social It's evolutionary Yeah it's because of an

Evolutionary imperative I bet you some Chinese women want to get fucked I've thought that before Is it funny how like Well rape isn't about sex It's about power and then you get older And you find out that sex isn't about sex It's about power

That there's no such thing as sex it's all just power No I like the bust dude It's not about power for me You're trying to get power over Your former self who wasn't able to fuck Oh that's an interesting idea That is you but sometimes I just want to get a little

Come shooting out of my balls Because it feels nice it tingles at the top of my cock Are you familiar No I got a bloodlust The thing I want is to murder people And unfortunately you're not allowed to do that in society Damn and that's what you think of as having sex No I mean not as having sex

But I think you know Like a lot of people have that drive probably To kill? To kill yeah I don't want to kill I mean maybe there's some enemies I'd like to beat the shit out of them No not enemies I mean you know You just pick a guy

And follow him around and figure out where he works And then one day when You know he tells his family He's gonna stop by The fucking hobby lobby on the way home That whatever he hears from you You're drilling holes in his head And using an oil funnel

To pour boiling water on his brain While he's still alive Yeah just normal stuff like that That kind of stuff Everybody has that kind of impulse Oh guys dude Guy talk Yeah you put his skull in your fucking man cave

Afterwards Before the feminists came along we were allowed to do stuff like that Absolutely dude I'm so tired of them ruining that type of shit And they're like Okay Mr. Yang the question was about universal basking I'm not really sure What that tangent was If you could you explain

More than $1000 a month Damn What are you guys gonna use your $1000 a month for When President Yang gets elected Dude fuck you know what fuck it I'm voting for him I know he wants to make it illegal to report on anything Oh yeah What am I gonna use it for

Yeah what are you gonna use your $1000 for Probably start getting a goomod Set her up in a separate apartment That's right You're about to be a married man You gotta think about your goomod now It's a goomor It's a South Italian

You know how they fuck up words Yeah but they fuck it up by saying goomor The Italian word is like comari Oh really? Yeah it's like C-O-M-A-R-E Oh really Goomar But the R can sound like a D

No you just said it wrong Goomah I think you just go goomah I think it's goomud No I don't know Yeah I'll use my gang books to set her up She'll obviously have a pill problem Comar

Sounding off on face Goomar It's a term for a made man's mistress So Adam was saying it wrong He's incorrect You said the wrong word Incorrectly I said the right word

In the Jewish form The wrong way Open it up to be I was trying to show it I was trying to explain my fucking affair to my boys You're trying to say you have a special version of you And a couple hundred thousand people listening right now I was trying to just have some intimate talk with my boys

But you just want to bring up Like honestly like forty seven downloads an episode Forty seven Yeah there's only this I thought it was more than There's only like thirty five people Who's listening My mom

Her boss at work My mom's not listening Our moms and Dasha My mom's like The boys are so funny when they say Dasha listens to find out What jokes you took from her That's not true dude

She steals jokes from me on her gay ass podcast The entire time Is there any more burrito left? I threw it up Are you out of your mind? No I finished I maybe had one by left The biggest fight in come town history It was the soggy bottom

The end of the podcast It was one of those burritos That has a leak at the bottom I love a leaky bite the last fight It was a soggy bottom And their friendship will never be the same I didn't mean to dude I'm sorry I thought it was garbage

I didn't think that it was you And it was in that moment that the falling out Was set in stone I cannot believe this Adam I had a late night I took the train here so I could get some steps On my way back I'm running low on fuel

I needed that bite to carry me through the finish line You want the rest of my iced coffee? It would be the last step he ever took Wait is Adam going to kill me? No I don't know I'm going to do that pouring water through your ear thing That Nick was talking about My brain is impenetrable

You know what I would do It would be cool to be a serial killer that kidnaps guys And then surgically gives them shrek ears That's not even a serial killer You tattoo someone's entire body green Give them shrek ears, rape them for six weeks Ok then the last part was Well you got to do something that

Severely traumatizes them They're like my husband finally came back You don't think it's funny to just make them shrek He won't talk to anybody You think you have to rape them? Well I think it's something where he doesn't want to talk to you You have to have a rape component What's funny is the idea of a man that just looks like shrek

And he won't talk to anybody And they're like honey where were you I don't want to talk about it Just leave me alone He came, he was missing for four weeks And then he came back and he was shrek And he was upset I think you don't have to rape him

I think you just make him shrek You just tattoo his whole body green And then like dock his ears a certain way So he has little shrek ears That's kind of the ideal woman Is like a girl that's super hot But then she has like shrek ears That's fucked up

So no other guy ever had sex with me Because of this one thing There's one flaw that you can see past Right, yeah But definitely no other guy Would you fuck a vulcan bitch? 100% What the fuck kind of question is that?

I prefer the pointy ears Anna's kind of vulcan looking She looks a little vulcan like She looks kind of more like Leonard Nimoy than I'd fuck Leonard Nimoy He was hot back in the day dude How about Leonard P-boy

And he's like live long And let me drink your piss I'm Leonard P-boy That is correct I'm Leonard P-boy and if there's one thing I enjoy It's drinking piss I think I like that What's he called Kirk? He called him James

Or whatever captain Captain James If there's one thing I want to do It's drinking piss Vulcans only have pussy once every Decade or something They're too logical for pussy Every seven years they fuck

And if they don't fuck they go crazy They go nuts dude Because I remember on Voyager Tuvok The black wall No, he was named Tuvok Tuvok Shakur Yeah

I was going to do a Biggie Small Trying to think of something that was Not the obvious one That's okay man What happened to Tuvok? You can't come up with classic bits like pretending To be Sebastian wanting to fuck Ariel

For seven minutes All the time I do not know if my penis Is real I think I have I reached down there to see And I think I have Two different penis

And I do not know Which one to use I got horny at Ariel And then I sneezed a bunch of piss What happened to Tuvok dude? He raved Jerry Ryan What? He gets real horny and they have to send him in the holodeck

To bust Does he get to choose who he fucks? In the holodeck because it's not real anyway Voyager Tuvok Ponfar Let's see I want a holodeck to get pussy from anyone I want But it's not real Look at him just going horny

Yeah dude he is horny He's just having like horny breath He's just teething He's like going nuts He just has to bust and he's like sweating Respect Does he get pussy? Yeah he's like

This bitch is having to beat him off Oh that's awesome That rules dude That's uh He doesn't have a girlfriend Do their pussies and cocks look different? Who? The Vulcans

The Vulcans cocks and pussies What are we talking about? Do they look different when they fuck? Oh The obvious joke is Ribbed or ridges But I'm saying Do the aliens that look mostly human

Have different cocks and pussies It would stand to reason That they would I think Because what else makes us different If not our genitalia Because then you'd think you'd have way more different kinds Of mixed alien

Things Because the cocks and pussies are different That's a good question It's the way like a lion and a tiger Can have a liger But it can't bust A liger It's like a mule

A mule can be made But it can't fuck It can't reproduce Which is cruel What if it wants to be a mother? Yeah You know what I'm saying? So that's just kind of a question I have about

Star Trek Tuvok and the gay alien Does he have gay stuff? Are there any gay Star Trek people? I mean I know the whole thing What happened? The alien simply stared at me as if Scrutinizing my appearance

What did you do? I returned to my quarters Did the alien follow you? He did And then? He watched me Getting dressed Getting dressed

Yes I don't suppose I should ask why you were Undressed I would prefer that you didn't What the fuck? Wait, he's sus? Maybe he's gay, dude, that's cool He was doing sus?

I have no idea I don't know the context to that I don't remember that episode You've seen every DS9, every Voyager, every TNG? No, not even close What percentage would you say? Of all three combined, how much of

All of the shows, maybe like 40% That's a shit ton That's a lot of it, but there's no way I've seen it You've seen all of Next Generation? A decent amount I've seen like probably 80% How many seasons in shit have you seen? Something like that

Oh, fuck, dude Without that last little bite of burrito I don't think I can make it I'm sorry, dude, I wasn't thinking about it Through life I got 15 minutes Before I die, dude I'm nutrient deficient

You have to suck my dick But then spit my jizz in my mouth Because I need nutrients If I don't drink the cum for sustenance Why can't I just give you my cum? I'm not with that gay shit, dude You're not with it? I'm not with that gay shit

You sucking my dick and spitting my cum in my face Would be my own, it wouldn't be gay It's my cum You would be getting it out for me As a friend But if I drink your cum Come on, dude How could I look my mother in the eye after that?

I cannot wait to get my ass fucked I cannot wait to get my face pissed on by everyone Gee, Sebastian Do you want to go back to working on the song? Shut up, faggot Shut your yellow faggot ass up Bitch You are a little boy

You are a little bitch boy I'm a grown man With at least two penis ass I used to be Self-conscious But then I found out that I have not I thought I had zero dicks But it turns out I have at least two dicks

Two special ones And the others Are made to attract peace Does Flounder have Do fishes have cocks? No, right? They do They're eggs They spray their cum

Horses Seahorses And then Sebastian Sebastian is just walking into the cave We're so dumb Sebastian is walking into the cave and he's like Ariel, good news, I have written a new song for you And she's just fucking Flounder

And he's like What is this? He has a faggot She's like, I'm sorry Sebastian But he's also a fish My lower half is a fish So it makes sense that I would fuck him No one else in this community is

Other than my dad and I can't fuck him So Flounder is the only person that makes Flounder is nice But why would you do this? I have two penises I had to look it up in a book To find Do you know how hard it was for me to learn

How to read When my brain has made out of piss To read a book To find out that I have Two penises that drink your piss And you And like, heard Flounder just staring at him blankly Get out of here you fucking bitch

Yeah, sorry Sebastian Looks like you're the one that's dead You are still a faggot Why did I clap these little pussy cheeks? Tell me why I clapped Ariel's pussy like that I hit me under the seat This is racist This is the most racist thing that's ever happened to me

Pussy for lap stars Why do not I get a pussy? That's right That is correct Yeah, they should do the live action When they do the live action remake With real lobsters That shit is so dumb dude

Why the fuck is it all like Dumbbo and actual animals Aladdin and Lion King I know, it looks weird dude Yeah, it looks bad It's better as cartoons Elvis's dumb ass is excited to see the Lion King He's like, I just want to see Lion's talk

Why? What do you mean man? Who gives a fuck? Looks cool That was probably my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid though Me too Yeah, but it's like just watch the fucking cartoon There's that African wise ape In the Lion King

Rafiki He's pretty chill Yeah, and he knew karate at the end Is that what he said? Is that what he said? Is that what he said? That was like such a 90s thing too Like let's write a song called Hakuna Matata

And we'll go to Some of these mud villages And listen to some of their words And we'll actually get some of them to play their coconut instruments In this multi fucking million dollar movie Compensate them Probably pretty poorly That's what Paul Simon did for Graceland

Yeah Ladies and gentlemen Lady Smith Black Mumbazo Now isn't the Lion King though Isn't it just some anime shit they stole? Like a white lion? The Lion King was an anime It was a Pokemon actually

No, no, no It was a real fucking It's like Nardo The Lion or some shit I am gay I took a bunch of yoga classes To suck my own dick Suck my dick

I am gay I am gay Man that one really writes itself The Pokemon song is the best It's the best one And each time it can be just a little different And still just as nice Just feels just as good coming off the tongue

There's so many things you could be the very best at Yeah There's so many different Fucked up things you could be the best at I wanna be I wanna be the very best At accusing women of rape Of denying the holocaust

It is fake There's no way it happened Six million is way too much They all lie We know the truth You can't trust Jews Not a one Not a single one

Even the one who thinks Are friends Ask yourself Would they be friends with you If they stood nothing Became Fuck the Jews Fuck the Jews

Fuck the Jews Kids What are you watching? Pokemon? Oh okay I think it's fine they're like bugs or something That was my favorite part of the Lion King When he learned he didn't have to eat He could just eat bugs

Oh right He didn't kill anything He just ate bugs Yeah but for a lion that's Slimy yet satisfying Wait he never killed at any point He never ate meat He didn't have to kill a wildebeest or anything

Because he just ate bugs with his boys What about Nala though? Did she kill? I think that actually in real life The girls are the killers They just feed the guys The Lion King of the jungle just stands back Gets his cock sucked Gets his cock sucked

Eventually has to fight sometimes Sometimes he has to fight another dude lion A scar if you will They're such cool looking animals Lions are fucking awesome The main is definitely just To look cool It's so tight that the Romans

Let's kill all of these Let's capture all of these And kill them There used to be lions everywhere They went up all the way up to Southern Italy Really? They were fucking all over the place They're the king

They're all over North Africa The Romans just destroyed them Wow Fuck Romans dude Stealing our shit And then also killing the lions Let's fuck them Lions in Southern Italy?

Yeah I'm a fucking lion Rory Rory I'm fucking getting a lion over here Fucking a dick Yes Fucking a dick

What are you fucking gay Get that shit out of here What the fuck is this gay shit Pokemon What the fuck What the fuck is this gay shit I've never heard of this gay shit What the fuck is this gay shit

Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Oh fuck I'm getting kind of tired here A full hour of podcasting Really takes it out of you I was just trying to think of more

Notre Dame Notre Dame My take is that it's the Muslims Come on folks We all know who it was It's the terrorist What was it for real though Some fucking French construction worker

Was probably smoking a cigarette While having sex with his 14 year old mistress Exactly He was probably raping a child Smoking Smoking his second pack Of the morning I'll get you a bandana

Right now I've got bad news My castle is banned I had guest sex in the castle Dude fuck France Yeah France can suck these Little fucking nutterine Yeah I was sad about the church burning down

Until I found out it was in France Dude Catholic and French That's like double pedophile That's true But at least the French are sensual pedophiles The French aren't pedophiles Yeah they make love to children That is true

They'll rape the kids Open up a bottle of wine Dude I love bad bar My sheets when I was a kid And my blanket was bad bar It wasn't covered It was bad bar Papa

Can you introduce me to a young African boy Who had sex with a bad bar Because he was a prince And he was African Did your prince treat you like a prince Were you a little prince Prince Adam But you were getting beaten all the time

You just kept in a dungeon I just catch a couple A couple stray Stay upside the heads Used to get smacked upside the head I would beat you if you were my son Every day I'd come home And look at that face

Damn I would fucking Wail on you in the garage And go drink myself to sleep If I was your son If I had to come home to that fucking face Actually Actually April 22nd

April 22nd Eastern Monday Belt off Just going to town Your mother's not even attempting to stop me My mom slapped me Across the face one time Because I laughed at her

For wearing her underwear I was like I just want to make sure it fits I don't want it to be For putting on her dress in your middle school graduation Come on you know I didn't do that I don't know I'm asking I had I showed you guys pictures

Did she used to sneak in your mom's room and dress up in her clothes Adam No I didn't You admit it be honest My dad did have this like So you did do it It's fine I used to put on like I used to put on like my dad's

70's shit that he had around Cause I was really into disco Like fifth grade That is literally gayer than wearing your mom's clothes I thought disco was really funny I thought it was funny Your mom's clothes I thought that was like how kids knew they were gay

Because of the movie Hearts of Atlantis Where the kid was wearing his mom's clothes So in Hearts of Atlantis Isn't that trans more likely So in Hearts of Atlantis the Anthony Hopkins is like a man that rents a room upstairs And like the kid who lives downstairs Is getting bullied

For being gay But Anthony Hopkins is like Psychic or something So like he confronts the bullies and he's like Go ahead Matthew continue bullying him And then you run home and put on your mom's clothes Oh yeah yeah What how do you know about that

And it's just like a grown man bullying a child For being gay Clearly this is the kid with more problems The kid that's getting bullied is just kind of a fucking bitch Well I didn't know what we talked about I didn't know I'm sure I did We were talking about Adam putting on

His mom's clothes Adam told the story About wearing his mom's clothes That reminds me of that movie Hearts of Atlantis Which is based on you It was based on you When you had a house guest You were with the bully and the kid

So you had sex with Anthony Hopkins And you also You know he's not a good actor It's so funny that he's like Because he sounds like that He's knighted for acting He was good in Thor Ragnarok He's good in the silence of the lake

Yeah he's good in that movie But I mean he's not really doing much The character is so fucking compelling to begin with It's like what acting do you really need to do He's a guy that eats people It's like You know how shitty of an actor You'd have to be

To make the guy who eats people A boring character Here's another fact about him He's a psychiatrist from Baltimore If If you told That's who the character is Would you expect that out of

Or like think that of Anthony Hopkins No maybe he's one of those guys that's so smart That he talks like he's British He talks like he's gay But when they put him in fucking Nixon He's atrocious in it He's really bad in that movie The fucking

Oliver Stone movie He doesn't even put on Makeup or anything He wears fake teeth and continues to speak With the British accent I tell you they're my animates I can't stand them It's awful

Respect Overrated The funniest fainter act Over fucking rated Because it was related to something you were saying Now it's just Now you've waited your turn You sat there and thought about

Mommy's clothes Putting on Mommy's clothes and Slutting around the living room before everyone else Gets home from church No we weren't church going fuck Yeah your parents would pretend to go So you'd have time alone to dress up and close

Let him get out of the system He just wants to do it Just let him do it once I did it as a boy I used to do it as a boy And now I've Spread HIV to the entire family Can you be born with

HIV if your parents have it Yes that's how you got it daddy You know that's what they called me Anyways what were you saying No nothing April 22nd as we call it Easter Monday April 22nd we got

Funny Moms as it's known In the Judeo-Christian tradition Easter Monday Which comes after I guess Easter Sunday I didn't know Easter Monday was a thing It's also Earth Day Well that's not the real Easter That's when stupid ass fucking

White Jesus died Next week Greek Black Jesus He dies the next week So that's the real Easter And I'm probably going to go home and Maybe eat some lamb and hang out with my family And I might get a tooth that week

Hell yeah Come to that We got some pals from DC coming Up to do the show The next one? Yeah they texted me Who's coming? Benji Janice Taylor Oh yeah Janice I didn't hit her back

Okay great A couple other people Did you book other people? I think I did How many people did you book? Two I think we should be alright Okay well here's the deal mother fuckers That's it for the fucking show today

See you at fucking Funny Moms And Canada Little teaser we might have Canada and June a couple cities Maybe who knows Maybe boys and girls so maybe hopefully we see you And we're also working on a UK tour And then hopefully the rest of America

Later this year But anyway come fuck us Goodbye I cannot wait I cannot wait to have sex with Ariana