The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 157 – Arthur

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

im gonna go real crazy getting mad about a show for babies. start talking about western culture. im gonna piss my pants and have to wear diapers. im gonna make sure the diapers are racist

Start up the podcast. I never had chicks. Oh, I've never had chicks. Well, if never had, well, never had chicks. Start it up. It's a it's going pump. Welcome to come down. Welcome to come down episode who whatever who cares. We're here. I just had a kind bar before the episode this time. You too, to get charged up to go Super Saiyan kind bar some kind bud. We got kind bud flowing. We got fucking for Loco before they changed the formula. I got a bunch of it saved in a fucking in a cell.

I told y'all about my friend Tristan, right? Who bought crates and crates of for Loco when he found out that they're making it illegal. He went to Virginia just got pallets. He went to Costco. He ran out of all of that, drank, drank through all of that. And then he would buy the decaffeinated for Loco's and then he'd buy five hour energy, take a couple sips, pour it in the decaffeinated for Loco. And then a couple weeks later, his lung collapsed. And then I saw him like a few days after

the collapse lung. And I'm like, he was at a party. I'm like, Chris, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I'm good. I'm just like rolling a little bit tonight. But he was it. Yeah, he loved a party. He loves a party. Shout out to that guy. He lives in Seattle. He's got a good job somewhere. Nice. You ever had that for Loco while you were drunk? Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the first time I like blacked out hard was all for Loco. Yeah, because I had nights where it was like kind

of hazy. And then but you know, you cannot be like, man, I blacked out the other night. And it's like, I know that just means I kind of don't remember. And then the first time I had for Loco was just hours gone. It was like daytime is the last thing I think one of them is the equivalent of a bottle of wine. Yeah, and I was like, I have like two. It's like, I guess it's six a.m. And I'm like waking up underneath the bow flex. So that's not the time you woke up having sex with a

woman. No, and that didn't really wake up raped. Yeah, no, I was at like a Halloween party and I got to an argument with some lady and then I then my man that's like a hazy thing where it's like I don't really remember what happened and then we're in the kitchen and like, you know, we're doing shots when you were arguing with Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I insulted her friend months prior. And then she decided to confront me at that Halloween party outside. Nice. And I was

like, look, I don't care if she was being a bitch. And then you were like, here's a rebuttal. Here's a fucking rhetorical rebuttal for you, bitch. Four and a half semi hard inches. Right. Well, no, I was like, because then I remember we were doing shots of James in the kitchen and I remember anything and then I just remember being in the bathroom and like her pussy, which she was like 40. So her pussy, it was like I couldn't get my dick in her pussy. Yeah. And she's like just

jamming. Wow. Like, I gotta get out of here. What do you mean? What do you mean you couldn't get it in? It just like, well, I mean, it was like not wet enough. Don't they say that's a woman's sexual prime is when she's 40. Yeah, that's some bullshit. That's a broad say, right? No, I think that's real. I think that we're in our sexual prime at 18 and women at 40. Yeah. I bet that's real. Is that real? I don't know. I think that's a thing that Jewish men say to each other and they're

like little horny conversations they have when we fuck 40 year olds. Shouldn't it be the other way around girls? No, they say that women are in their prime at 40. No, it would be the other way around. You know what I'm talking about, right? They they say that men are at their sexual peaks at 65 and women at 14. I did fuck a 40 year old one when I first moved here. I was I guess 26 and she did have a remarkably wet pussy. So that felt that goes to Adam's argument. Yeah. I mean,

I've I've just heard that. I don't know if that's a real thing. She she squirted all over her Ikea couch. She was a squirter. Yes. And she sucked dick. She wouldn't suck dick. No, that makes sense to me. I was young. I had to pay my dues. No, I think that like sucking dick is probably more intimate than having sex with someone getting your pussy eating. You're just like at the union. They're like, yeah, those don't count as dues. I don't think you understand

what dues are. Well, come on, folks. I've been eating pussy for years. No reciprocation whatsoever. You put your time for your foreman yet. I get some paid vacation. But yeah, we're supposed to go see Captain America. And then we just had sushi and how about top weight? It was on like a date. You went on an organized date with about top in America. Yes. But I didn't we didn't actually see the movie. She just wanted this little hog too bad. Oh, she was a chubby chaser. I guess so.

You said top in America. Yeah, it's all right. Sorry. No, it's fine. We're gonna go down that road. But I would have liked to top in America. No, no, I still want to top in America. So he was frozen. He's frozen before anyone was allowed to be gay. He was a nerd. They didn't know how to suck dick and then they give him drugs to make him really good at sucking dick. Okay, okay. And then he got frozen. Brought to the future. They go they go to World War II and then he's

just like sucking all the the blowing all the nods and sucking Hitler's dick. Yeah. And then the Russian sacrificed 22 million people to win the war and then the Americans are like, we did it. Yeah, that's really good. I like that one. Yeah, shout out to Stalin though. For real. Why? We're just throwing bodies at the German war machine. The Russians had the same kind of body count as your bitch. Everyone listening. That's true. That's true. Every girl

everyone listening home. Your girl fucked as many guys as the Hitler killed or whatever. The Russians. You know the fuck I'm saying. I got it. Now, okay, let's go. Let's talk Kremlin. Let's talk about how about another Holocaust, but it's for Hispanic people. Okay. They get sent into the showers and they're crying and screaming because of their regular showers. Oh, how about that? Yeah. Yeah. Has anyone done that one yet or I don't think it's been

done. I think that's new. That's new territory. Sure. I feel like I may have said that in seventh grade. Yeah, probably. Probably so. Now, what's up with that, that colorful-ass palace they got? So that's not the Kremlin. That's not St. Basil's. That's St. Basil's Cathedral. But everyone thinks that's the Kremlin, but the Kremlin is that's just like there. No, it's like a square. That's why they hate LGBT rights in Russia is because the gays used to run

everything. Yeah. That was their castle. They had a gay castle. And they would go around forcing everyone to have gay sex. So, interesting. When the, you know, revolution happened. Of course. Which one, which revolution? 1917. That's the Bolshevik revolution. That's when they wetted up all those fucking Anastasia and her fucking dad. Yeah, they they fucked. They took the Tommy gun and they were like. They were wearing like coins and

shit. So, they got really fucked up. The what? They were wearing jewelry or some shit. Who? The Anastasia and her brother and her dad. What? I mean, is this, are you referencing a thing or are you doing a bit? I'm referencing real life. I just don't remember their names. So, I'm calling them. The Romanovs? Yes, the Romanovs. They were wearing jewelry. Yeah. Because they were rich. And they were sneaking the jewelry. I just saw something on Twitter,

I think. Oh, okay. Or Facebook even. Sometimes I'll go on the Facebook. That sounds like a Facebook one. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying Twitter is too reliable, but Facebook, that's where you learn the real truth. So, yeah, they just took a machine gun and just really fucked up a whole family. The workers. Who gets to live in St. Basil's Basilica? Peter Pan. And all his boys. The Russian version of Peter Pan. Damn, if there's ever been a pedophile story, that's

it. Good to be a boy forever. Yeah. I started, I put on Tugsie or, damn it. Bugsy Malone? Yeah. I kept saying, I kept calling myself Tugsie Malone yesterday. Oh, that's good. Name's Tugsie Malone. I'm not. It's like a boy that can't check off yet. No, it's in the movie. There's like, they got machine guns that shoot pies. So, and my version of Bugsy Malone, it's Tugsie Malone. And they're all, they instead of machine guns, they're like, like, light them up,

boys. And then they just beat off on him because 13 year old boys love beating off. And I feel like every stroke is a little piece of comfort. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Raxi Raxburg got fucking nutted up on 15th Street. Raxi could fix everything except, you know, his face. What's Mugsy Malone? That could be yours. Mugsy Malone. Yeah, it's about, yeah. Mugsy Malone is your version of the movie. What is the movie? Oh, it's, I, it's probably. Oh, is that the movie where,

from the mask that they do, that Tommy Gunn that he stole it from? What? In the movie, the mask, he's like, a Tommy Gunn. And he's like, no, that's probably from some James Cagney shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mugsy Malone was like a, like a 20s gangster movie. But it was all kids. They made in the 70s. It's all like children and it's a musical. It was like one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. Sounds pretty gay, honest. I mean, it's extremely gay. It's really good. You

know, the guy who probably like wrote it. Yeah. Was like, trying to get some face, you know, when like in 1981, they're like, well, the test results are back and it's like, you don't even have blood. It's just the AIDS virus. I don't even understand how you're alive right now. It's a concentrated version of the HIV virus. It's not that single detectable blood cell or plasma even. It's just it's almost like you've cooked it down into syrup. Just then a reduction, an AIDS reduction

sauce. No, I mean, we'll turn the lights off. You can see how your veins are glowing. That's. Yeah, this cat's pressed on me, dude. I love killing it. You must have fucked me. Yeah, the cat only likes guys. That's why it doesn't like Adam. What are you talking about? The cat loves me, but respects me and knows that I have allergies. No, it doesn't. You've got gallergies. You're allergic to gals. What happened? Respects. The cat does not respect you, Adam. Yeah, okay.

Sorry about that. I'm sorry. Yeah, you better be sorry. Adam pulled his cock out and everyone started throwing up. And so we had to. Yeah, it was like the end of Ace Ventura. Damn, dude. I've said it before, but I wouldn't fucking go or iron horn, whichever one she tucked it. She looked good, dude. I don't give a fuck. She was fine as hell. She really was. Also, what did they put in that actress's panties? Shit. I thought she shit herself. That's exactly what I thought.

Yeah, I didn't get that you could little that she was tucking her dick and balls. But they put a fake dick and balls. I guess they did. They put Dan Marino's actual dick and balls in her panties. Wow. I don't remember anything from Ace Ventura. No, come on. You don't remember where he makes his ass talk? So there's a famous dumb and dumber. There's a face famous dolphin that gets kidnapped, right? It's the Miami Dolphins mask. It's the Miami Dolphins mask. There's no real dolphin mask on.

And then the only thing I remember from the second one is bumblebee tuna. And I feel like I watched Ace Ventura probably 900 times. Yeah, I watched it so many times. I don't remember anything. He's in the rhino, the electronic or the robot rhino. I remember the monster truck from the second one, too. The monster truck was tied. I love monster trucks. I don't remember that. I remember he drove a monster truck. He makes his ass talk.

Yeah, I mean, that's a classic. I thought that was dumb and dumber, but that's the scene where he's entertaining people at the party by lighting his farts on fire. He's just fantasizing about being in some socialite aspen party. And he's just doing his A plus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just crushing everything. Lighting your farts on fire and everyone's just clapping and...

I actually, I read the script for dumb and dumber. Because like, you know, there's that diarrhea scene that's pretty long. And I'm like, what does that look like on paper? Right. What is it? The script's very funny. Yeah, I can believe it. That movie's great. Did you read it at your boyfriend's house?

No. Yeah, right. Unless it's his address is 123 Stavs Girlfriend Avenue. What? What? A story in New York. That's where I live. That's my address.

I'm your boyfriend? No, it's your girlfriend's address. That's my address. I live on that street. You get your mail forwarded there. The address is Stavs Girlfriend Avenue. But I live there. This is what's going on.

Nick thinks that he's having sex with your girlfriend. But really, you're tricking him into thinking that you are your own girlfriend. Maybe by wearing some sort of drag or a wig. And then, so you're owning him into having a homosexual. I don't know. It seems like a pretty involved gay fantasy in your head, Adam. No, I'm just describing what you guys were saying. I'm just describing surface level joke about people living on streets.

Listen, I was just reading. And now this has turned into a thing where I'm not turning anything. Multiple costumes involved and different types of gay sex. And actually, hold on. You're completely hard. Yeah. I'm not hard. I'm just cocky and combating.

I'm actually sitting cross-legged. Nick, back me up here. I backstab up on this. Yeah, hold on. And the only reason we even know this is we're holding each other. Well, it's nice to see you guys supporting each other. The only reason we even know this is because we're both holding microscopes and looking at your heart.

Yeah, I have an electron telescope. Otherwise, there'd be no way to know you were hard. A lot of people don't know this, but I actually stood too close to a microwave once and I can see with electrons. Whoa. So I can see very small things only. I don't know where I am right now,

but I can see Adam's dick and I know it's hard. It's the only thing. He's functionally blind except for Adam's cock. You can only see things at the quantum level. I don't know where I am or what's going on. Subatomic quantum level. Yep, that's true. Whereas I am just have a microscope.

I remember that being something that happened on the show Sentinel. I don't remember. You ever watch that show? That was the one of those UPN shows? Yeah, yeah. I just remember Sentinels were the bad guys on X-Men. Oh, yeah. Those are like Apocalypse's robots.

And I was mad. Actually, I remember Sentinels. Are they Magneto's robots? I think Magneto's. Wait, no, it's the government shit, right? The Sentinels were like, I don't know. I have no idea. I just remember being mad.

It wasn't an X-Men spin-off, Sentinels. Oh, really? You're talking about that? On UPN? Yeah. I remember there was an episode where Jerry Ryan guest starred. Hell yeah. And I was so horny for that episode.

Of course, dude. I couldn't wait. Did you jack off to it? No, there was not really much to jack off to. But there was a will. There was a will. You already see your tits out on Voyager, but on that one, you get to see your...

Her pussy? Her pussy, yes. Wow. They showed her pussy on UPN. They showed her vagina. Nice. Which I've seen them before. Yeah.

I have too. I'm familiar with a girl's pussy. What's your favorite part? The hole? The hole, for sure. Mine too. The puss hole? Yeah.

I love it. No, you're copying. I'm not copying. I think a different part, dude. I said the clip. What are the odds of both of us? Yeah, they're all three like a whole, man. Because that's the part that you pull your dick into.

No, it's not. Where do you put your dick? No, it's not, dude. Okay, we don't have time to explain to you, but... We know, so we don't have to help. We don't have to say it. We haven't had the talk yet, okay? Can you guys just explain to me how you do it?

How do you make it? Look, I'm going to sit my son down and say, we're going to have the birds and the bees talk. And I got a mason jar full of bees, and I make them fuck it. And I'm like, you think about that, next time you want to get horny. You think about all these bee stings. Now, how slow I'm driving to the hospital right now.

How I'm taking my sweet time and stopping at Sonic to get a... Berry blue ice blast. Oh, it's not for my son. I just gave him the birds and the bees talk. Is this a black teenager on roller skates? I think your son's dying. I think you got this up wrong with your son's privacy. His son's dick is bleeding.

His company's a cost filled with bees. You're the beekeeper. The boy needs to learn. Yeah, my son's learning about sex. Now, bring me my tots and my fucking slushie. Bring my fucking tater tots. It seems like you focus a lot more on the bees aspect than the birds aspect of the talk.

That's the next step of the talk. If he doesn't get it, then a vulture will vulture his cock, Adam. If a vulture will vult. Yes. What did you call snow on the last episode? What? I called it snowing. I called going skiing. And I'm still mad that there probably won't be that much snow in Canada.

No, there won't be any. It'll be summer. But there will be maple. Oh, yeah, come see us in Canada. Yeah, come see us in Canada. We are going to be there. Go to cometown.events. Adam got real excited. He was the one that actually booked the tour

because he misread it and thought they said Manada. That's right. Yeah. He's been crying every day. He's been crying that he found out. That he's not Manada. He stands for Canada. He's been weeping for hours.

But anyway, Toronto, June 15, Montreal, June 19, Ottawa, the 21st, Vancouver sold out, but we're working to get a second show. I think we're going to be there an extra day. I think we're going to end up being there an extra day. So it's probably going to be the 24th, but we don't know yet. And then Edmonton, the 26th. I think there was a little miscommunication with the venue. Edmonton's a day later.

Edmonton might be a day later. Yeah. The venue will email you if that's the case. I think they already did. But it's the 26th. And also, before, if you're in LA, I will be in LA June 10th doing a couple shows. So come out and suck me off. If you didn't see me last time, I'll be doing half new stuff, half just trying.

I should make an LA trip. I can't wait to see what good-ass comedy is coming out of that city. Oh, yeah. It's really good-ass comedy. Yeah. June 10th, Lear Chi, period. Get your tickets for Stavros Halkus fucks around in LA. It's my one-man show about getting ahead.

Yeah. I will also be competing in the Indy 500 this year. Wow. I'm driving for... Penske. Marlboro. Marlboro. Marlboro.

For Philip Morris. They said, if you smoke 200 cigarettes, the world record. You get to drive time. You get to drive in the Indy 500. Whatever. Add your leisure. You won't ever get around to it. You smoke 200 of them.

Guess what, pal? You're a lot... You're... Guess who's coming to the dance. Oh, yeah. The dance being the five... Guess who's at the dance. Are you sure you weren't just invited to a dance by a guy named Philip?

Oh, that may be it. Now that I think about it, you said his last name is Myers and I... Philip Myers? Yeah. It was in Philip Morris. Oh, and 200 cigarettes, smoking those. He means sucking his dick too much. No, I think that part didn't even happen.

I think he just invited me to a party. Oh, yeah. After you kissed, he invited you to a dance. No. Are you sure? Yeah. I don't even smoke cigarettes. Philip Myers just texted me.

He said you guys kissed. That's weird that you have some gay guy on your phone. Yeah, you had his phone number saved. He's my hair stylist. Yeah. You don't... But you don't have hair. You don't have hair.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. Oh, the other hair? He styles the hair around your asshole, this cock? That doesn't... It's like, no, it's just gel. I'm just... Yes, it's not gay because it's gel. And I don't know for sure that it's this cock because I always have my eyes closed,

so I'm not sure. So checkmate. You fucking idiots. What are we going to do in Canada, boys? I saw that people are mad about Brock Turner again, but I tried to Google and I couldn't find anything that happened. Did he do something new? That would be a pretty tight move on his.

To rape again? Yes. That would be tight as hell. Well, I mean, he can't get a job. He can't do anything. It's like, do what you know. Do what you love. Can you imagine?

The guy that counts was like, if money wasn't an object, what's the one job you'd like to have? Yeah. Brock knows the answer. It's behind a dumpster. Do you think they're probably just mad because he's bad in general? Maybe he's trying to get back into competitive swimming. That might be it.

And they're like, this isn't, we don't want to provide a space for. Now, when you say people, who is people? I don't know. I saw it on Reddit. It's on the main page of Reddit. Really? Yeah. Maybe he did something like cute or something like a cat.

No, it's a picture of him. And it said, this man is a rapist. Always say his name with rapist at the end. Well, did he get released maybe or something? I mean, he got released two years ago. Jesus, really? Not only was he released two years ago, but the judge who sent him was like fucking recalled a year ago.

There's like no new Brock Turner news. Gotcha. So you just want to go out. You want to be on record and be pro Brock right now? That's not what I said. I said he was, I saw it. And I don't know why. Let's get to the bottom of this.

So check back in next episode. I don't have my phone on me. On the broadcast. Which is also why I'm struggling to fill time. It's not a lot of people complain about me being on my phone. They don't realize how big of a huge asset to the show that is. Incredible asset. I need that.

I could consider the phone work and the show, the fun distraction. Interesting, psychologically, how you have to do that. Psychologically. You're a master of psychology. I am a master of psychology. I was listening to a mafia podcast. Yeah. And apparently John Gotti was very stupid and not good at being in the mob.

Oh yeah. I always said that about him. He's a big loudmouth or whatever. So this is a tweet with 40 replies and one like. But this might be what's going on with Brock Turner. Brock Turner didn't rape anyone. Fingering a woman is not rape. Using abortion as a form of contraception is wrong.

Having a child is a big decision that both parties should agree on. If a person doesn't want a child, they should either use contraception or refrain from sex. So that's probably what's going on with Brock. Ooh, tweeted that. Um, Del Boyd. Del Boyd. Nice.

Del Boyd. That's a dumb name. I wonder what that guy does. Something stupid. Yeah. Let's see. I bet that guy does something dumb for his life. I think people are just posting pics of Brock and saying this man is a rapist.

Yeah. Just for fun. I think because of maybe because of Alabama. How about Dwayne the Brock Turner? Okay. I'll tell you, there's one thing I love doing. It's fingering and I'm not going to stop. That's good.

Yep. I am never going to stop. If you, I would say if you had to do a Brock Turner character, that's pretty good. Dwayne the Brock. Dwayne the Brock Turner. Buddy, there's only two things I enjoy in this world. It's fingering and getting away with it.

I'd have to listen to him talk. What about, uh, who put my dick? You did another, the rock where it was like, who put their dick in my ass? Who put the dick in my ass? A dick in my ass? I mean, that's like what I would keep saying to figure out. I haven't heard the rock talking forever. So I can't.

Yeah. I watched Rampage with the Rock. That shit was awesome. You know, it's funny. You ever, you ever like forget the voices of your dead relatives? I guess. Yeah. Is that, I don't know.

I think, I just think that's funny that that happens. Um, I sort of remember what my grandfather, grandmother. I think I can remember what my grandfather sounded like. Yeah. Well, you won't forever. I'll forget it eventually. Oh, and then we'll be sad about it. Yeah.

I think that's pretty funny. Yeah. That is funny, I guess. To me, that's a funny thing. That is, I guess you could see it as funny. And then when you die, no one else will remember them, basically. And that means that they'll basically, it's like as if they never existed. That's pretty funny.

Unless they were in show business. Unless they left behind celebrities. Is that why the Jews don't believe in an afterlife? Because they have so much money and they're in show business and their names are on everything. You know, they're always going to be remembered. That Adolf Hitler fella. So think about that.

My man's never going to die. I catch 22. Mirror Max also. Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein. His name is on a bunch of movies. Shakespeare and Love. Other than the name of that company is because it's their parents.

A stupid. Miriam and Max. Yeah. I never realized that. Oh, it sounds cool, though. It sounds cool. But it's like the way like a child would name a lemonade stand. Mirror Max.

It sounds. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like cool business names. You know, like what? Like Viacom. I love that shit. Communications. What's the Viac?

Viac. You don't know. Yeah. I don't think so. Video International Association Computers Online Multimedia. Pretty cool. That is cool. Yeah.

If I had to name a company, I would probably name it Halkus Core. Yeah. Enterprises. Halkus Core worldwide. Yeah. Bitch. Sorry. Unknocked items.

Exxon. Extreme pornography. Wait, there's no pee. Yeah. What? Oil. What? You said Exxon.

Yeah. Well, the two X's stand for pornography. Okay. Oh, yeah. I forgot. What about Triple Exxon? XXXon. Yeah.

And that is like a bunch of old white oil executives. It used to confuse me how in cartoons. Putting those things in their asses. I feel like it's disrespectful for me to say Doseki. So I say two X's. Nice. You know, because it's not my place as a white person. Yeah.

To say. To speak Spanish. To speak Spanish. That's cultural. Let me get two X's. Let me get a two X's beer, please. I don't know what you mean. I used to think, do you remember when alcohol in cartoons was,

it was a bottle that had three X's on it? You thought they were drinking? I thought they were drinking porn. I was very confused by that. How would they be drinking? Because I remember learning as a child, XXX meant porn. But then I also remember that it was like what they'd like drink in cartoons. Well, they probably did that in the West because nobody knew how to read.

Yeah. You signed your name by putting an X. Can you imagine how I feel like, you know, a lot of people are like, well, the industrial revolution was a mistake. The technological revolution was a mistake. I think teaching people how to read was really. Literacy was a mistake. That was the one that was bad.

Yeah. I think about like how nice my life would be if I just didn't know how to read. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What would change? What do you mean, what would change? You couldn't get anywhere because you couldn't read like road signs. Yeah, but you'd learn directions and shit.

No, I would just, I would get around like I used to. I used to never know the names of roads. I just knew how to fucking get places. You just know this is a building and I turn here. I'm a tracker. Yeah, tracker. Nick would crouch down and taste the ground. Just smelling, yeah, smelling the dirt and stuff.

Mm-hmm. I would follow the hot, a hot girl with a pussy scent. You would catch your pussy scent in the wheat, in the winds. That's good. Yeah, before I had a phone, I used to do that all the time. I'd go to the grocery store. I want milk. I'm on the other side of the store.

Mm-hmm. Because some girl fucked up and wore pajama bottoms. Oh man, that used to be such a hot look. Yeah, the rolled down pajama bottoms. Rolled down pajama bottoms in a spaghetti strap tank top. Fat fucking ass. I'm about to get hard. This dumb bitch.

Excuse me? Sorry, I'm looking for the milk. I'm looking for milk. I'm trying to buy milk. I don't know how to read. Damn. I'll pull your fucking pajama pants here. She's like, hey, what's up?

I'm like, shut up. Shut up. I don't know what's up. I don't know what is, what is, can I go please? Can I please leave? Can I leave the store? Thank you. Oh my God, you bitch.

Do you want to hang out later? Shut up. Just shut up for once. Damn, dude, I'm horny for spaghetti straps now. Yeah. I love those girls so much. Yeah. And they just suck off like adults.

They wouldn't fuck us. You mean the teenagers we were horny for? Yeah, like 15 year old girls that would like smoke cigarettes in the park and suck off adults. Yeah. Well, I got good news for you. Wear fucking pajama bottoms and spaghetti strips. I got good news for you.

What? You're an adult now. Now I can get sucked off by one of those children. Damn, it's time. Who were all these adults that were getting blowjobs from these bad girls? Well, it was, it's you, dude. That's your, it's your opportunity.

I've never done it. The ascension of Adam. I'm not going to continue that cycle that hurts young boys like me. Where the girls I love, they're like, sorry, I have to go smoke cigarettes and suck off adults. Those are the real victims. Fuck those boys that are there.

Those boys need to learn. Look, China took all the pussy away and those boys are doing better than anybody else. That's true. That's how you build a soul. China took all the pussy away. They fucking killed it. China said we're killing the pussy.

No more pussy. Too much art making. We got too much damn pussy. We need some factories. We need some fucking workers. We need some other fucking workers. No fuck. You make a phone.

And now China's filled with guys that are like, damn, I would get my dick hard, but I'm just more excited about getting to work. Fucking, I love, I love just working 12, 15 hours a day. Yeah, cause that way you never ever think about not getting pussy. Eating imitation rat for dinner. I love, I love being, I love being Chinese.

I don't know how else to put it. I love not getting pussy. Working 18 hours. Fake rodents for stew for dinner. Yeah. No, I had my pants fall down because I had to eat my belt. I had to cook my belt down into a soup and wait until the leather turned in, made a nice soup stock.

They fucked up and gave me a leather belt. You know that's dinner time. You know my Chinese ass going to eat that belt. You know my Chinese ass going to make leather belts stir fry out of this shit. You know I can't, you know my Chinese ass ain't going to be wearing no damn belt in the back. That is so true.

My no pussy Chinese. My no pussy. My no pussy getting my fucking Chinese ass. Gonna turn this belt into lunch. Yeah. That was a smart move. What do you think America would look like if we got no pussy?

What? What would happen to our society if there was no pussy? We'd be back on top in 10 years. Interesting. You think it would focus us. You think that there's been too much smashing and that's why we're on the decline. Yeah.

That's the thing is like women are like when men are in charge they're fighting all the time and it's like well they're fighting all the time when there's women around. So kill all the women. Okay, all right. All right. I was thinking maybe send them to Pussy Island.

No, I didn't send them to Pussy Island. That's where you take a vacation. No, you have to like earn a trip to Pussy Island. We take all the American women. So we work really hard at the factory for a weekend at Pussy Island every five years. But Pussy Island is just like a fake place like Shell Beach in Dark City.

Yeah. Everyone has memories of Pussy Island but no one's been there. There's no way to get there. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. That's one way to go about it.

No, you kill all the women. No, I don't know. I don't know, Nick. You keep going back to this. Maybe I'm mad about this. Like it's feasible. I'm talking about an ideal situation. He's saying in the best day scenario

to kill all the women in the world. Like how could you say that? It's like, well, it's a fantasy. It's a fantasy. I don't have that many bullets. I heard there's no way I could do that. You leave one, you should probably shit out 35 more out of her pussy.

That is so true. Yeah. I hate when girls shit out 35. They just keep making more girls out of their pussy. And I don't have time to fuck them all. And it makes me mad. I just want to go back to my no pussy getting factory and work 27 hours a day.

You know, eating boiled down coosh balls. Making tea out of socks. Yeah, right. The only... I'm getting paid in novelty pencil erasers. Little pandas and little animal figurine erasers. Mm-hmm. Is my paycheck.

Yes, sir. And I don't give a shit because I know that one day we're going to finish this bomb that we're going to drop on New York City. And then we can go there and get all of their pussy. Mm-hmm. I guess that's New York City. Who's that?

That'll be a fun story where China's killed all the pussy because they want to just focus, get everything together, overtake America, and then fuck all the American women, you know, because they're tired of Chinese bitches or whatever. And then, like, they come here, right, and they've already, they've invaded or whatever. And they're like, the men are like, or they're like,

you know, they're talking to American guys and they're like, and now, for the final part of the plan, we're going to take all of your pussy because we are tired of fucking Chinese trash pussy. Okay. And then we're all like, oh, you can have them. Like, we want the Asian pussy. The Chinese pussy.

And they're like, you mean to tell me this whole time, everything could have been fixed with a trade agreement? Yeah. They're like, yeah. Yeah, of course. And they're like, rats. Oh, no. But too bad they killed all their pussy.

But anyways, that's more of like, this is the movie pitch. And it's sort of, you know, I mean, it's cerebral because it's mostly, it's about our current situation. Smart. But instead of, instead of pussy, it's about, oil. You know, I don't know, some, you have a scene in there, but make some of the characters trans.

Of course. That way you get, you get the, you get that the online set. Millennials love that shit. They love it. You want to have a big opening weekend, you put a trans person in the movie. And she can do anything a guy can do. You know, right?

Or I mean, but actually she can't because she's not a guy anymore. That's what I'm doing. Captain Marvel, but it's a trans woman. And she's like, I don't want to do anything. Hell, because there's nothing masculine. And that's a real hero. That's what people want to see is trans Wonder Woman. And she's saying, no, even though she's trans, she can't.

Well, because she's trans, she's fully transitioned. She's stupid. She's so useless. She's because she's transitioned into being a calm, useless, like every other woman. And she's, she's not Wonder Woman. She's not a woman with, with a man's bone structure who can do things. She's a regular woman who in your calculation is completely useless.

Who is not capable of doing the things that Wonder Woman, who is a rude stereotype of a trans woman is capable of doing. Interesting. Wonder Woman is a regular woman with the strength of possibly several men. All right. You know, that is rude. It is rude. Yeah.

If you Wonder Woman is trans. If you don't view Wonder Woman, say that she's like some whole shit lens of, you know, whatever. Getting your dick suck. Yes. Getting your dick suck. That is a lens. Yeah.

That's my favorite lens, dude. That's what I, that's the kind of lens I slap on my DSLR to get at your dick suck lens. Lens crafters. You go in there, you're like, do you do any custom stuff? That's right. I'm like, no, we just have the glasses. And it's like, well, it doesn't sound like you're much of a crafter then. Oh, right.

Because I want a monocle for my penis. I want my cock to look huge with these glasses. I want you to put them on every woman in America. There's only a gun. Put these on. Put these on. They just politely ask you to leave the glasses. Then make my cock huge.

And force every woman to wear them. It's simple. I'm at the fucking white marsh lens crafters. Shouting. Right next to a fucking Z-Burger. Yeah. I got a piss. If you could, if you could make one pair.

I have to pee too. Well, you want to cross swords? Do you ever do that with your boys? No. Cross, cross streams. Never. You never did that? Did an X with your pisses?

Oh, shit. The cat fucked the beanbag up. No, I've never done that. If you could have one pair of magical glasses from lens crafters. And you can't steal my answer of making your dick bigger. Um, maybe like the glasses from they live where, you know, you look at an advertisement and then you see the truth behind it. What do they live?

It's a movie. Sounds interesting. I think it's John Carpenter. Maybe Nick would know. He's pissing right now. An advertisement? That's your answer? It's a, no.

It's just, you see all the truth behind all the hypocrisy in society. Without even thinking, glasses where you can see everyone's titties. That's, how is that not your answer? X-ray vision. Yes. Second of all, glasses where you tell the future, where you can. But you can't, where you see. You, you're watching a TV and it tells you what's going to happen in an hour.

So that way you can gamble on sports. Okay. Okay. So I've just blown you out of the water with three different kinds of- Who made they live, Nick? I've blown you out of the fucking water with three different kinds of magical glasses. Those aren't that good. They're great.

Listen to Adam. I asked Adam. Yeah. I'm back from the bathroom, everyone. I asked Adam what other magical glasses from White Marsh Lens Crafters he would want. I would want ones where I put them on, then I go see the new Aladdin movie and everyone's white. That'd be great. See, Nick comes in right off the top.

Just me and the theater like, yeah, fuck yeah. This movie's awesome. This movie's awesome. What if you gave- Oh yeah, I love Aladdin. What if you gave- Fuck yeah! What if you were calmed down?

What if you gave- Like I can't, I got my glasses on. What if you gave- Shut up! Every racist, those glasses. And then they would just think everyone's white. So they wouldn't be racist anymore. That's good.

Adam said some bullshit from glasses that already existed in a movie. What's that? The movie they live or something. Oh, cool. So you can see aliens? I can- No, aliens. That's cool.

You don't see aliens. That's really cool. You see the truth behind societies. That's really cool, dude. I said glasses where you see titties, duh. Duh. That's too distracting, dude. I can't see titties all day long.

Shut up, duh. Also- And also glasses where you look at the TV and it tells you what happened. Part of the pleasure of seeing titties is that you have to take the clothes off to see them. Oh, that'd be cool. That would be cool. Those are both good answers and not just something- I know they're good answers.

Not only is your answer gay, it's stolen. The Freedland special, gay and stolen. Like your cock. All right. Maybe glasses that- There we go. Come on. That would make it seem like everyone around me is respecting you.

That's good. Yeah. I want glasses that like when I put them on, whenever I go into like a convenience store or Dunkin' Donuts or whatever, they show me what the Indian person behind the counter was doing in India before they came here. Like surgery or- Yeah, yeah. Like surgery or like, I don't know, wearing like cool Raj clothes.

Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. Dance, a lot of dancing, I imagine. Yeah. A lot of musical numbers. A lot of Jai Ho. Yeah. Yeah, those are- that's good too, man.

Glasses that let you tell- tells you how to win at every video game. Mm-hmm. Well, that's cool. Yeah. Glasses that tells you how to- How to win at every video game. Yeah, that's cool. That really- that would make video games a lot more fun too.

Knowing how to win. Yeah. If you didn't really have to do anything. Yeah. That's what I'm saying about the seeing girls- Glasses that- Titties glasses. If you see titties all day long, then titties don't become exciting anymore.

Oh, shut up. Spoken like a man who doesn't truly love titties. No, part of the pleasure of seeing a tittie is that seeing a bra come off and then seeing a tittie pop out, you know? You still get that pleasure at them. No, it's about- it's about supply and demand or something. Oh, here comes Mr. Fucking- I don't know.

I'm hungover right now. My head hurts. But it's about- if something isn't readily available, there's a scarcity, then it makes it more- Whatever, man. More appealing. Don't be mad at me because you picked a fucking thing from a movie that sucks. It was a bad answer.

Don't be mad at me. I acknowledge that it was a bad answer. So don't try and- I'm not mad at you. Which is a very visceral pleasure to it, and you can admit that. Actually, I want glasses to let me talk to animals. That's good. That's cool. Doesn't exactly make sense.

I don't know how you do that with your eyes. Yeah. Wow, man. Yeah, it does. Put the glasses on, and then I can talk to animals. You're right. I guess- I guess we are all assholes for nothing. That would be great to be in a fucking Hollywood movie pitch.

It'd be like, all right, here's the idea. It's a guy. He gets to wear glasses to do everything. That helps him talk to animals. They're like, why is it glasses? They'd be like, why are they glasses? Why is it why? Then he could talk to animals.

So he could talk to animals. You fucking idiot. Yeah, I want glasses. I want a hundred million dollars. They're like, geez, Jerry, I don't know about this idea. Would you say your name was again? Adam Friedland. Well, here's $20 million to make the movie.

They just made a movie called, uh, for $6 million about Evil Superman. That's pretty low budget for, uh, for a comic book. It looked kind of cool. It's basically like some kid, I haven't seen it, and I probably won't. I saw one of the recent Simpsons episodes. I think I already complained about this, but something happens on the show. And then like somebody mentions like DC or something. And he's like, yeah, Homer goes, yeah, all right.

Good luck making a movie. Anybody wants to watch for more than 15 minutes. We need to reference to like DC comics. And it's like, whoever wrote that needs to kill themselves. Yeah, no, that's contemporary. That's the idea that first of all, Homer doesn't do jokes. The idea is that he's an idiot. It's supposed to be satire.

Yeah. But that not only is he doing like jokie, jokie fucking asides and then, you know, the idea that Homer would have an opinion about Marvel versus DC. Yeah, it's totally out of character. Yeah. Simpsons. The Simpsons are gay now.

They are, which is a real shame. How about there? Glasses make every episode of the Simpsons after season 12. Good. Whoa. Whoa. I'll be telling you. Tight.

How about glasses where Lisa's hot and a real girl and she comes out of the TV and sucks your dick, but she's a grown up. Yes, she's not a girl. Like in Leprechaun. I've never seen Leprechaun, but yes. I don't even remember if that happens in Leprechaun. I know there's a scene where a girl comes out of a TV. That's the ring.

That's the ring. No, it happens in Leprechaun. It's a stripper that comes out of the TV and the guy's in a hotel room. He's like, oh, yeah, all right. And then he's fucking her and then she turns into a robot that starts killing him. I love that guy's just like sweet, but it seems weird that I've seen the movie considering they already had a Leprechaun. You know, was that?

Yeah. What does that have to do with being a Leprechaun? You know what? I should go back and watch Leprechaun again because I remember thinking that like what he does is make people unlucky. So they fall down the stairs and shit. And there's a magician that saws his assistant in half. But I mean, I haven't seen Leprechauns since.

Wait, that's how he kills them with bad luck. I think so. They made a black one, right? With iced tea, like Leprechaun 3. Yeah, Leprechaun, like there's Leprechaun on the moon. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, Leprechaun in the hood, I think it's called. Yeah, nice.

Why would a Leprechaun be able to make a bitch come out of a television? I don't know, dude. I just remember that happening in the movie. That's fucked up and I don't know. Yeah, I haven't seen that or any of the child's play movies since I was like fucking seven. Shots out Jennifer Tilly with her big fat titties. In one of the chunky movies. Chunky.

So I love to watch the chunky movies. Child's play is so scary to me. Every time I see child's play, I get scared because chunky because chunky is going to come and hurt me. Oh, fuck Adam, you gay bitch. Yeah. Thanks for holding my hand. No problem, dude.

We should do an episode where we're all holding hands the whole episode. Yeah. If I could turn back time, I would help Hitler. I would not kill him. I would help him instead. Yeah, I would help his strategic failure. I would want him about his hubris. Yeah, you don't need the whole world.

Just take Poland, Austria, France. I'll just take a shit ton of Europe. What would have happened if you didn't go for Russia? He would have been chilling. What do you've been? Maybe wouldn't we have fucked this shit up either way? Well, I guess you could say maybe we would have dropped the bomb on Germany also, but yeah, Germany had already surrendered.

No, but what about if he didn't surrender? If he was like, oh, all right, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good with this. Just getting my paws on France. We want to take the UK also. Did he ever take the UK? No, he bombed the shit out of them.

Well, they bombed the shit out of each other. Yeah. Let's not forget the RAF. Yeah, Dresden. Dresden got fucked up. Yeah. Apparently London was more beautiful, but they fucked it up. Hitler fucked it up.

Yeah, it was more beautiful. I heard that exact sentence in a Ken Burns documentary. Yeah, old London. Because Paris looks cool as shit because they were little. Because they just gave up. Yeah, they said, oh, come on. Fuck our asses, Hitler. Here's our juice. Do not bear in our buildings.

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. But London was like, oh, God, suck me off, eh? Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, they're like. Come get me cook. Come suck me cook. Hitler. Hitler.

Hitler. Hitler. Yeah. That's how you say it in London, right? Hitler. Hitler. Hitler has bombed all their villagers. We don't know what to do.

We don't know how too many bombs are. Come eat my ass, Hitler. Yeah, they don't do too many bombs, eh? I don't know, they're Hitler. Now, what was Australia? Were they just chilling because they're so far away? No, they're part of England at the time, so they fought. Oh, damn.

They were fucking up Japan, I guess. My grandfather was part of England at the time, or the British Empire. So he fought in the British Army. But where was Australia? Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Was anyone just not involved? Did anybody just...

Canada was part of the British Army. Did anybody just chill, though? Switzerland. Switzerland, yeah. Right in the middle, and they got to chill. Also, Denmark or Sweden? What about, like, Brazil? I don't know what was going on there.

They're probably chilling. They, like, most of Latin America had this, like, deal with the United States, where the United States, like, got all of their exports. Basically, you're, like, on credit. So, like, they helped economically. Gotcha. Like, tremendously.

And then after the war, we were like, yeah, we're not paying that shit back. Yeah, suck our fucking things. That's so tight. Yeah, America fucking rocks. We're just not paying that shit back at all. And at the same time, like, just giving massive amounts of money to Europe.

To Europe, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's all on credit, too. You know, they're white, so... Yeah, yeah. And as a result, Brazil was like, all right, well, how about this? We're gonna fucking harbor all those old-ass Nazis.

Yeah. Brazil and Argentina. They're like, we're just gonna keep these motherfuckers safe. Yeah, we didn't give a shit about that at all. No. No, we also took some of the Nazis. Yeah, the ones that were gonna silence us. The only thing I would have been mad about

is, like, them taking the scientists, which we do. Yeah. There's really no need for, like, generals or whatever. Right. Those are the ones you can gratata. Well, they lost a war. They're bad at their job. That's true.

Hitler was just a bad general, but he was just a good... He was good with the, with the tongue, right? Yeah, as good as eating pussy, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My man was on amphetamines. Yeah, he was yipped up that whole time.

He was, yep. A real danger of what fucking Adderall can do, kids. I think Kennedy was on amphetamines. Really? Hell, yeah. Wasn't he? Wasn't they had that guy, Dr. Feel Good, that was like... Everyone in baseball was doing greenies.

Greenies? Damn. Honestly, I feel great on amphetamines. What are Kennedy... Kennedy deserved to be murdered, both of them. You thought he deserved it? Yeah, both of them. Why, but why bother?

I don't think that a papus should be the head of our country. That's true. Like, goddamn Catholics. He's a thing. What if the Pope gives him orders? Who's he listening to? He's not listening to us. He's listening to the fucking...

All that Latin America shit. They kind of, that was all, that was all the Kennedys. What was? Vietnam. Well, yeah, Vietnam too. But like, the Kennedys were paranoid about Latin America. They thought like, you know... I mean, the Cold War was a priority for them.

So they toppled a shit ton of governments and put a lot of right-wing people in place. They'd committed genocides. Did they? Yeah. And then Johnson came around. No. I mean, it was happening continuously from after FDR until like...

Yeah. Even before FDR. Well, no, FDR was like, good on Latin America. But they, I mean... We had the big stick policy under... Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt, like, was shitty, but like... I had a big stick.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude. I got the big stick policy. There you go. Yeah. I'm actually the opposite. Speak loudly and carry a small stick. Yeah, that's me. Yeah.

I'm a loudmouth with a little ass dick. My motto is wear glasses that force women to have sex with you. But why are they glasses? I don't see it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get these glasses. I'm wearing these glasses and consent doesn't exist. They're magical glasses.

Your Honor, I'm sure you've heard of Felix and his magic bag of tricks. Well, my glasses are similar to that. And then when I put them on, I can't... I don't need to get consent. But where are they glasses? Is it Felix the cat? The judge is like, contemplating it. He's like, well, I have heard of Felix the cat.

And I am familiar with his magic bag of tricks. Can the state provide any evidence that these aren't magical glasses? Like, what are you talking about? I don't know. Well, I mean, it seems the burden of proof is on you to prove that this man doesn't... He's made it clear that he's the only one that can see the magic. We've called four witnesses to the stand. None of them can see the magic.

We've called wizards, witches, ghouls. The man from the store in the mall that sells swords. A bunch of fat bitches with black makeup, with black lipstick that call themselves Wiccan. None of them see the magic. Do you believe in magic? I don't. I don't either. I think it's all tricks.

Some guy got mad at me at the last... Funny mom. Funny mom, so I asked him if he knew magic. Or she said he believed in magic. Laurel, I did a hilarious thing where she said they asked everyone if they believed in magic. That was very funny. And one guy was like, yeah. And then I pressed him on it and he got very mad at me.

But you know what? What's that? A gun sound? It's a gun, bro. But you're just... You're just... You haven't shot it yet. I haven't shot it, but if anyone gives me any lip, I'll fucking kill them. I'll shoot them with a fucking head with a gun.

I can't wait to see that. I would love to watch someone die. By the hands of my friend who I care about. I just know how good that would feel for you. And as a friend, I want that for you. Has the comedian ever committed suicide on stage? I don't think so. Some guy just died on stage.

Some guy died on some British guy. Which salute. But he's British, so he probably wasn't very funny. That was part of his... That was part of my... My display. My display at Edinburgh. I go to Edinburgh every year and I do my...

You should go to Edinburgh, honestly. And have our show. We would probably pack it out. It would be funny. I would love to write a one-man show. Just completely unfunny. Completely just shit. They love confessional style comedy.

Just try to get a really good review from someone that doesn't know that they're... It's literally ironic. Should we do that next year? Write like a... A friend show? And talk about... A man that was molested 19 times.

Yeah. It's confessional. We're confessing to being molested. Maybe we should. My bloody dad's Google search history. My bloody dad's Google search history. My search history. That girl didn't even put on clothes to do that.

What? She's wearing like slides with socks. Yeah. That's cool style. Oh, that could be her signature. Looking dumb as shit. No, slides and socks. That just means...

That used to mean that you were on the basketball team in high school. And it was like game day. They wear slides and socks. As someone who was on the middle school basketball team at Roland Park Elementary Middle School, eighth grade... Adidas slides and socks.

Backup center at 5'7". Well, you had bulk. Yeah. The other kid, the other center was literally like 6'4". He was gigantic. And I believe had failed one year. Damn. That was honestly the peak of my life. Scoring 17 points off the bench.

17 points. Roland Park Elementary. It was legitimately a big game. That's actually a monster game for middle school basketball. Yeah. And then I just wouldn't get pussy for another, what, 10 years? Yeah.

I don't think I've ever had a peak. My life's just sort of been like linear shit. You've never enjoyed anything? I've never felt good ever. What's one thing you've done that you were happy about? I can think of that. That game... I can think of...

I went 4-4-4 in a game in middle school. Nice. And I asked my dad if we could go to the new Taco Bell Bar house afterwards and he said no, because it's Passover. I've never accomplished anything in my life. I've never... I've really, I haven't. I've never been good at anything ever.

Yeah. You never, like, wrote anything? Like, you never finished one of those pieces and were like, this is funny. No. You never accomplished anything? No. Some shit at school I felt accomplished.

I was the number one... I had the best grades in Greek school. At... That felt like an accomplishment. Oh, Greek school is like... I would go after school. Three times a week after regular school I would go to Greek school. And learn, like...

And learn my mother tongue. Alpha. Alpha. And then in September... Sick. I'm only going to be gone nine days. For what? Just to go.

I found some cheap ass tickets. How much for the tickets? Dude, no joke. I found, like, under $600 roundtrip. So sick. I want to go. They're gone. You should check them out. See if you can find them. That's the lowest I've ever seen in my life. I want to go.

I want to be on a beach in August. I'm going in September. September in Greece is probably perfect. October is nice, too. That's the fucking little sneak shit. Go in October. No one's there. I want to book like a whole month at Yellowstone. Do some Arthur shit.

What do you mean, Arthur shit? Kill animals. Make their skins into... Clothes. Arthur from Red. Does that happen on the show now? No. Arthur from Red. Oh, oh, oh. Step up from some gay shit.

Yeah. Once the animals taste each other's cum, once the gay animals taste each other's cum, they go crazy. Crazy for cum. By the way, if you're a contractor in Baltimore and listen to the show... You need some work?

Yeah. Stop broke the stairs at his house. I did not break the stairs at my house. But I would like a fence. No. Roll down the stairs like a bowling ball and smash through nine walls. I picked up too much speed and now there's just a circle.

There's a circle with four walls and then a door. You're going to roll across the street and knock down three more houses. And it was literally only five stairs. So that did not happen. What Nick just described did not happen. It did not happen,

but I would like a nice backyard fence built. So if anyone is a contractor, hit me in the DMs. Or you can email me at stave.biz. That isn't what happened. Nick is still imagining me falling down and doing holes with a couple of walls. And I want to reiterate,

I did not do that. I've never fallen in that house. I think I'll get a chandelier too. Who's that laughing at me? All right. Falling through this. Adam, where are you going? To the piss.

But why? I'm holding it. You pissed already. You already took a piss break. I forgot about that, so it doesn't count. You forgot about something. You didn't do it. Your honor, I did not commit it.

I don't even remember sucking off that child. I want to take helicopter lessons. Why? I think it would be cool to get a helicopter or fly around. Would you want to buy your own helicopter? Yeah. What do they cost?

$300 to $500? Yeah, that sounds about right. $300 to $500? Just going to a helicopter sale being like, look, I got $500. Cash. This is your problem. I brought money.

All you brought is talk. Give me that helicopter. No, I'm bringing it to the lessons. I'm going to fly it there. I got my learner's permit. I don't have to show it to you. What are you, a cop? Just give me the fucking helicopter.

Just give it to me now. We're in, sir, we're inside. We're in the Javits Center. I was in Vietnam. I was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam war. They actually probably cost, what, like $300,000? Probably something like that.

That sounds right. What do you think a helicopter costs, Adam? I think you'd get one for like $25,000. No. Yeah, they got new Koreans. The funniest answer. Not $500, not a real answer.

What do you mean $500? We were saying they cost $300 or $500. $500. $25,000. It's like a... Oh, you can get one for $1,800? No, you can't. There's no way that's...

Maybe it's a fake. Maybe it's a remote control. There's a Hot Wheels website. Yeah, they're like... Although one single rotor agriculture one is $25,000. So Adam, you said the right answer. Thank you.

Not as a joke. That's how bad you are, I guess. No, we were trying to choose funny numbers and you chose the right number. No, I was trying to educate the audience on how much you can get a single rotor and we didn't even say agricultural one. So...

But I was thinking in my mind about single rotor. Yeah, but you never... You don't know what agricultural even means. It has to do with farming. Can we look that up? Yeah. Hey, bitch, can you look that up? If it says...

If agricultural says it has to do with farming is a definition, then you're right. It's about crops. I'm going to look up real helicopter. Real helicopters. You would love to be a helicopter pilot like me, but you're not, Adam. Um...

I would love to. Yeah, but I'm happy for you that you are. Because that's the kind of friend that I am. Well, I'm also that kind of friend. In fact, I'm a better friend than you. I only learned helicopter stuff so you could feel good for me about it. Well, I appreciate you doing that

to give me the joy of feeling happy for you. I can't tell how much helicopters cost, man. Because I think there's toys, but they're big, but they look big. Big toys. You'd be cool. I think a helicopter with monster truck wheels on it. You know, and you could take it

to the nude beach. You could go check out the girls at the nude beach. Have you guys ever been to a nude beach? I went one time. I went once. Very disappointing, gotta say. A lot of old men.

Oh, you went there to gawk at women? Yeah, to see titties. I went there with my girlfriend at the time. Nice. She loved doing shit like that because she was hot. And it was like... You know, you're just a hot person. Yeah, you don't have to go to a nude beach to be hot.

Yeah, right. Just stop doing this shit. I also remember how small my penis got in the ocean. And then being afraid to come out of the trunks, the water was cold. So I started jacking off in the ocean. Then I kicked off the nude beach for jacking off.

Are you allowed to jack off in a nude beach? Yes. That's what nude means. Nude means jacking off. That means about jacking off. That's pretty cool. I like that that. That's what nude means.

I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. You remember Pepper Ann? Yeah, she was so annoying. She really got on my fucking nerves. I remember

despising that show. I don't know why. Pepper Ann just pissed me off. She got me hot. I'd yell at my sister, turn that shit off. Do you not like redheads? Yeah, I kind of don't like that kind of...

Didn't she have the same voice as Patty Manage? Kind of, yeah. I don't know. That kind of confidence and... The confidence in a woman made you upset? Yeah. You like your women's meek and servile? Yeah.

Did we ever find out if her pubes are red also? We did. Wow. Hard to believe I didn't make it that far. Episode 6 of Pepper Ann No, Episode 6 opens on a shot of her pussy. Woke up this morning, got myself

a gun, Pepper Ann. Yeah, she's got a mirror and she's looking at her own pussy. Yeah. Anyone ever tell you you got the most beautiful pussy in the world, Pepper Ann? Well, jeez, thanks, Tony. Yeah, you remember that episode?

We're Pepper Ann crossover. We're Pepper Ann crossover. Tony looks at her pussy. Tony's fucking Pepper Ann for a week. I'm saying I'm in love with you, goddammit. Yeah. Tony, you don't even love yourself. How could you ever love

a 14-year-old girl? I think she was younger. Yeah. How could you love an 11-year-old girl, Tony? You dumb bitch. You hate yourself. You hate everyone in the world. You're in war with everything. I was just...

You're in love with the fact that this is wrong. Damn, Pepper Ann was really fucking cogent. Mm-hmm. Just sitting in Malfi's office. I met somebody. Yeah. And it's pretty good for me.

Yeah. She's 11. This woman you're seeing, is she another child, Tony? She's a pedophile. This is about me completely. I mean, I'm just never holding an accountable at all.

Tony, this new woman that you're seeing, is she also a sixth grader at high-top elementary school? With ADHD. The son of your fucking business! I finally meet somebody that's good for me, that cares about me.

And it's this bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, from everybody I fucking know. I love Pepper Ann. That's good. That's the good shit right there. Yeah, I wish I knew more about Pepper Ann, but I don't know anything else. I don't know anything. I'll weave those references in.

Carmella's like, Tony, what the hell is this? What? Some Velcro or something. I don't know. Tony, it looks like red pubes. New ones too, Tony. Are you fucking another child again, you fucking pig? New bile pubes.

I just watched the episode of Sopranos where Paulie from Rocky comes back. Yeah. That episode ends with Carmella being like, Tony, she's younger than Meadow. Imagine if someone with your age was doing this to Meadow.

And then he's looking at Meadow watching her eat dinner or something. And it finally clicks with him. And then the episode ends with him quietly murdering Pepper Ann. Just sending somebody to shoot Pepper Ann in the back of the hand.

I think black guys so they couldn't trace it back. Black guys to kill Pepper Ann. Yeah. Why is it the strip club? Yeah. Yeah. How does Pepper Ann in? Oh, right. They cross over with the Sopranos.

It's dark. Fire bomber whole house. Where they fucking they pretend her house got turned into a trap and have black guys kill Pepper Ann. She was selling ecstasy. Yeah, yeah. She was in a project selling ecstasy.

She got involved with drugs. AJ, is something going wrong with you? Yeah. One of the girls in my school was murdered. That's none of your fucking business, AJ. Don't you worry about school. Something's good for you. Sports. All this fucking morose shit. Get out of your fucking head.

I, uh, I had to break things off with that woman based on your advice. You know, I just did what you said. Tony, did you do what I say? Or did you murder another child that you were having sex with? Did you hire black guys to murder a child?

Again, I don't want to pry, but did you have another child murdered? I have to realize what kind of feeling is wrong. Only fucking question! We're fucking done. We're fucking done, you bitch! Damn, why did they have to rape Melphie

in that show, man? No, those are good episodes. Those are good episodes. Those are great episodes. She goes back to work. What's it called, Employee of the Month? I think it was just one episode. And then she was kind of,

I don't know if she was fully back to normal the next one, but what it teaches you is that women are incredibly resilient and can get over trauma. Well, I'm sure. What's up? I think it's time to go. Okay, folks.

It's on me this time. I'm the one wrapping it up. Nick has to go. We, uh... Let's be honest, this has been a pretty terrible one. Yeah, it's been a... No, no, no, the sopranos pepper in. They saved the whole thing. Pepper ran being gay and having sex with the men.

All right, come see us, bye.