The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 158 – Forget it jake

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

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Let's get down to penis and suck off Five guys. All right. What is this because we got a pre-record, right? Yeah, this is I believe Sunday This is tomorrow tomorrow or Sunday. Yeah tomorrow show June 2nd June 2nd. All right Okay, and maybe if you guys are lucky or actually do you format it already? No, I'm not formatting nice We have a bonus very bad episode Couple fun parts, I'm just gonna mark down these Today's a bonus though The next one's gonna be a regular one. You're the gayest man. I've ever sucked and you come taste like

Blue chew Damn, that's now that's how we really sell if you promise flavored come no no no We place them in our songs. Oh We make jingles for them. That is next level. I agree. We got to get our marketing department on that They got to pay more for that If we place you in a song about being gay or being gay with them being gay with your dad specifically Plus, you know, we're putting ourselves at risk by doing a copyrighted material be righted You know for profit parody, right? It's parody for profit. It's for profit parents

Just like Saturday I got my calendar looking Looking the way I want it here. Oh, yeah, fuck. This is annoying like a man's ass. Yeah But the cheapest headphones on Amazon, we just need a longer cord baby This is the one that came with them. Well, I think I have a cord at home that I'll bring next time Yeah, was it just an auxiliary cord? Yeah, it's a cord for some headphones Yep, not an auxiliary cord

Bitch actually it I think that's literally what it is. Yeah Doesn't auxiliary mean like I Don't know like an accessory or yeah, it's been a general term. That's right Yeah, why is it why does words have different meaning? But why does that get to be the court? like shouldn't it be a Sound cord or something like that? There's auxiliary mean sound. I think you could say a sound cord People would get it doesn't sound right though. So auxiliary doesn't mean sound 30 35 millimeter

That's good. Say call it that, you know Auxiliary could mean a lot of different stuff one one-eighth inch or a 30. Yeah, yeah one-eighth inch or 35 millimeter Both bigger than that. Yeah, they should call it the bigger than Adam's dick cord. Yeah, you don't know about that Yeah, I bet you don't know that everyone else knows about that. We all text each other The whole world Everyone's got the inside Like the entire world's in some sort of group chat talking about me just called narcissism Just about your dick you have

That's all they talk about an ox cord. Yeah, what are some other definitions of auxiliary? Like it does the military use I'm about lugs illery, okay, you know, I'm not trying to wear them lugs I'm not worried about auxiliary. I'm worried about lugs illery Like I want leather wires All my wires all my wires velvet I Pull up, you know, I pull up to the the holes on the radio. Mm-hmm, and I say Bow velvet blackout blackout velvet. I got velvet wise for that ass. That's right. Let me plug some shit in I plug my speakers in with beautiful shag carpeting

Oh shag carpeting wires. I Wanted a vein with shag carpeting. Yeah, everybody did really everybody cool. I think we mean you had the same exact just the gaze just the lame as shit Ross like fuck that would be awesome to have but I wanted specifically damn I can't wait. I would love to have a house with one of those giant soccer balls Oh, yeah, and I've got my friends over to play giant soccer That would be awesome. What about a secret door behind a book bookcase? No, you never one of them have gay sex?

No, never. That's not about keeping secrets. It's just about the doors. No, that's not no one no one cool That scared me. Yeah, well, you thought that was scary. I see I was scared you guys didn't think that was cool I thought it was painted with eyes Well, that's you look that's what I did want was to control a secret underground control room with like a panic room No, that's how do you get to that? I wanted to live in a utopia where you didn't need any of that. It's not a secret door Just a secret door you pull one book and it opens the hole I always I in that my childhood fantasies fantasies. I always imagine getting there through the ventilation system Yeah, that I did want to do crawl through the vents

Yeah, crawl through the vents and it leads to a controller where I could launch missiles at people. Okay, I see I never went to violence Yeah, I think I was just being sneaky. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I don't know what I wanted to do through the vents Yeah That'd be hilarious a story about a young Starbros getting stuck in advance. Oh For sure, I would not be able to they would not hold me. I was like 200 pounds very quick I got the two bills What is it? Probably in fifth grade fifth grade. Come on probably

I Was basically his height in fifth grade you grew fast I was like me and eldest were the same height and then I just stopped growing in seventh grade Wow, it was so annoying Well, then he got to be tall as shit and I'm just a fucking short little fat piece of shit Oh, and I don't get any of the privileges from you know that the world gives tall men Elders is a beneficiary of Are you right? His life

All this seems to be doing so much better than that Dude on a personal like yes without without the the strife that I've Without trying to it's made you stronger. It has made me strong. It's made you funny. Sure Yeah, but I would prefer to not there's never been a tall person ever Yeah, that's a fact. So true Gary Goldman not funny. Not funny jock Definitely get off the stage jock. I want to see his fucking you special, but I'm gonna be gone when he tapes it He's taking it here. He's taking it in Brooklyn He said all of his rules all of his comedy rules. No, but those are helpful tips. Are they I like them. Yes

I don't read them. They make me nervous No, it's how I Just don't want to hear about the process in such an earnest way. Yeah Yeah, what's your process? I can't talk about it. Somebody does something funny. Yeah, he's Do something funny He just repeats something he saw as someone else do that's not what my People not in its comedy now. Yeah It's not true what I do on stage people in the train. Do you guys know any good jokes or black people?

Yeah, yes black people who know something funny. Yeah, first of all, what do you think of my sneakers second of all? Have you heard any good jokes yet? No, I'm not writing this down But of course obviously they're joking and that's not what my crafter processes It's a lot more detailed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, why don't you walk us through it? Dasha says something That's that's even worse than you saying me copying things He forgets the Dasha I would never steal from a bitch. He was doing for me

He's doing it on stage and then you know, maybe politely she says I came over that I'm like, no, you didn't you're gaslighting me Stop gaslight stop it dude I know what you're starting to talk about or what you could start talking about right now And I don't have it in me. I literally I was at that fucking bookstore and we That is gaslighting We don't have to get into it damn I listen I can explain work. That's one good thing about us being such such good pals for so many years

I literally wasn't you know, there's no way he was thinking. I completely forgotten about that. I've decided to move on I think I'm not moving on That I don't count that as a victory Your decision to move on like you're the stalemate like he's just yeah, he's he's walking away from it I am no, I'm walking away from it No, I need because it doesn't really matter to me closure who it matters to is the one that's emotionally abusive and is gaslighting You're the gaslight. That's the one who can't drop it. You're the gaslighter. That's the one who can't can't ever let it go That's not he just means lying, huh? No gaslighting is making someone think they're crazy

You make you make the other person think they're but that's a form of lying Yeah, I mean gaslighting is like there's many just pretending that they don't remember something is like is a form of gas Gotcha, you know be like you call your girlfriend a cunt and then a week later if she's like would you call me a cunt? You're like, I honestly don't even remember that. It's like they do remember. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah That's that's why you're cool board. It's lying. Yeah, so gaslighting equals lying It doesn't everybody everybody has to have there could be like words for everything There could be lying that is essentially lying. No, it's more specific than that. It's fine It's just it's the way now. We're having the chimps versus bonobos debate again. Exactly. No set

Now we're starting all our debates over again. Is that what's that's lighting is a subset of let's get all Because gaslighting implies a like a rewriting of the record lying It's retconning lying. Well, yeah, there's lying It's like it's not like Lying is involved, but it is it is like yeah, it's more retconning than lying It's a specific kind of lying the way a chimp or a bonobos specific kind of chimps. That's right That's what I was saying, but they're not talking about species is so you could yes, we are But you saying it's a set

Thank you, we all agree we all agree and we can move forward I was at the for the record Adam did not agree. I didn't agree Oh for a gas a fresh gas like listen, we all agree that I was at the bookstore I'm still I'm swinging back to thinking you were now honestly that I was that you were good. Thank you stop roast That's how the gaslighting process works. That's not I'm not gaslighting convinces you that you're crazy You're gonna say Adam must be right. No, I've moved on. I don't care What is get where does that word come from a book some kind of books the movie gaslight? No, there's a movie. There's a book called gas. There's a movie called gaslight. It was probably based on a book

Well, you don't read books. I haven't seen the movie You see the movie you don't know those things are true But I think I heard someone at some point and it might have been was it someone all that dumb girl bullshit is like not It's not actual science. It's like, you know, like the Bechtel test. That was just some dumb bitch. That wasn't like She she like drew comics and she's like I came with back to some bitch named like fucking Science is gay, dude. I well, I mean, you know, it's like it's wrong and I don't think women should be saying things That is a while. I don't think that they should it's really depressing. Yeah for women That's that's hilarious that they have to hold. I was like, oh, come on. This can't be that many movies

It's every fucking movie. Yeah. Yeah, but it's also the movies they make for themselves. That's right You know A movie about her a woman getting her shit together. It's always like because she got dumped true, you know It's never like well, I guess gravity doesn't gravity is because her kid died. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one movie That's the only movie that passes the Bechtel test. I think so Well, it was a male child. It's not another female character, but you fuck the kid What's that? There was a man. So if there's not another female character that it fails the Bechtel test

It has to be to George clean was true women not talking about a man That's true. I'm just trying to think of movies where like the woman's motivation the Avengers probably No, Thanos is a man The Thanos wasn't a man and Scarlett Johansson and somebody else I can't even think of another bitch like green bitch The green bitch Zoe Sultana, but is it in a romantic context or is it just talking about a man? I think it's not even romantic. I think it's just talking about damn really and it's they still don't pass that shit That is pretty gay. There's never been a movie. That's

Yeah, I don't maybe bridesmaids. They must know they were always talking about a man Yeah, it's literally a movie about a wedding. Yeah, but they probably talk about something like what do you want for dinner? Yeah, but the whole point. I mean the movie is about women. Oh, oh, aren't married and their friend is hold on What about I'll feel like whores because of it. Yeah, exactly. That's and therein lies the comedy All women are whores really and it's just because she's getting married doesn't mean she's not a slut Yeah, really if you look at the movie It's a sort of a criticism of the men that allow women to To my decker really should be getting

Different pussy that Maya Rudolph exactly. Yes, and John Hamm. John Hamm's the only good one Yeah, because he just uses Kirsten Kristen Wiig's pussy up like a hand like a hand Yeah, like a ham like a fucks it like a microwave ham, which is his last name. Nice Nice nice a read nice a read dude Nice a redo that suck on my nuts Okay, let's figure out one movie that What about annihilation I

Never saw Mortal Kombat annihilation. No, no, they go into the Natalie Portman. Is that thing now? I never saw that's a Thompson they go into the forest and they shoot some shit It looked cool, but then someone said it wasn't an action movie like I thought it might be and then I was like it was just snooze oh What about oh that horror movie where an old bitch traps a young bitch? Oh, what is that? I don't know it's called like Ernestine or some shit like that or one of the Ernest movies

Yeah No, it's Chloe Grace Moritz and some old lady and the old lady. It's a horror movie that one passes. We did it guys Yeah, okay, was there ever an Ernest goes to Israel? No What the hell Ernest fires a rocket at Palestinian children, yeah They're doing their own old cause They got their own camps That's not all these kids. Hey burn They got you Nazis over here burn oh

Wow There's a kind of American producers are like and I know I don't think we'll be making that's when it will be passing We'll be passing on this As much as we enjoyed Ernest goes to the beach, I don't think we will be Producing Ernest goes Damn Well, how about it's Halloween or something? Yeah, how about Ernest goes trick-or-treating? Okay, I like that and he goes to a Jews house and they're hanging out pennies

I like the idea that that man had so much power in Hollywood. He could just be anti-Semitic Look, we can't lose the Ernest movies He makes over $80,000 a year in video cassette sales The man is an institution Has anyone ever paid for an Ernest movie or do they only watch them after getting them at the library? No, I rented Ernest movies. He did. Yeah, I feel like I got them exclusively from the library But that might have been a little v. Halkias Poor life hack. Uh-huh. I don't even know blockbuster existed for years. Damn. That sucks. Yeah, and then we at one point

We went to this little independent one Right by Santoni's market officer now you independent blockbuster No, like an independent video store. Oh, and it was one of those that had pornography in the oh after behind the beaded The beaded what do you think literally? That's awesome. And I kept trying to sneak in there Yeah, blockbuster never had porn no and that's why they succeeded and that's why this country is fucking little dick it as hell The one that showed porn should have succeeded Well, the internet would have killed that anyway at some point. Yeah, the internet killed it with Netflix anyway

Yeah, yeah, I remember the porn sections and like record stores and stuff Record stores. Yeah, right. Well, you know like porn records Record stores would also sell movies pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like tower records and stuff Yeah, I never I only went to the one in a fells point when I was trying to be cool when I was like listening to classic rock in ninth grade Oh, yeah, yeah, I would tell records. What the fuck was that one called Soundgarden some fat girls in there You're like, hey, you ever hear a bad company? She's like calling the police Some rockabilly bald guy, I was never rockabilly that is that is a creation of this podcast

This guy in creepers and I Was never I was never rockabilly and I wasn't 20 you When you hit that 200, yeah, once I hit that once I hit those two bills, I Stop for us two stacks I was never rockabilly. I just appreciated Elvis at a young age And I thought and I wanted to be rockabilly. There's a difference I wanted to have greased up Paul made ass hair and a leather jacket

I think we probably talked about it But like I used to have this fantasy that I had control of a street gang when I was like Mental image was like yeah, just six-year-olds dressed like leather daddy's like spinning chains Yeah, like Tom of Finland six-year-olds. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to have a little clubhouse Yeah, with my fucking boys, dude. Yeah, and I wanted to play guitar Yeah, I wanted to be the lead the singer and There's all from little a little kid movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, everything was from a stupid bands that are also Okay

Yeah, we just had momy became self-aware thinking he looked so cool Handsome I thought I was hot as shit Swooped over that's how I saw myself every like in my self-image. I had Greased-up hair home to the side of the leather jacket on it all right? No, I think uncle Jesse John Samus Greek 100% yeah, it was 100% yeah, I remember being a little kid and thinking I could do impressions and then like Recording them and then playing them back. That's so funny. I used to do that, too And just like how off it was. Oh, yeah, cuz in my head. I'm like no I sounded exactly like Will Smith. Yeah, I

Used to record my my grandfather would send us tapes from grease of like Music he recorded from the radio. That's how cheap he was he wouldn't set bias mixed tape. He was trying to fuck Yeah, and and but even though they were bullshit like my dad still like cherished them and I used to fucking just Record over them with my own fake radio talk show And my dad like would throw them on to fucking listen to them and it would be like oh, hello folks It's a stovs radio show now What the fuck I can record it. He didn't reward your creativity. No, not only that he

Actively punished me for it. What an asshole. Yeah, dude. I was just shows that you were creative child I know I wanted to have my own little radio show and it's like hello everyone. It's stovs radio show mom made mac and cheese and hot dogs Today cut up hot dogs in mac and cheese. Yeah, that's tomorrow. I'll be going to soccer practice You have to become funny if like your natural instincts as a child are be to be like the biggest fag at Like oh, I got it. No, don't try to join in now Yeah, I used to put on plays yeah, yeah, I would not let me have ice cream She said I had too much It's about grandmas and Greece putting on pants and getting absolutely railed out by tourists. That's pretty so that was the first draft

Yeah, you submitted it and then they change my intellectual property the fucking Hollywood machine does it again Same people that I just wanted to make a movie about eight-year-old widows that only wear black They don't only wear black, but when they put on they've been mourning for 60 years Once they put on these magical pair of jeans, they're pussies get wet for the first time since 1972 I watched traveling pants one time with my cousin. We like didn't know a sister who the traveling pants and like we've been watching it for 15 minutes We both like each other. We're like we might we love I just want to see the I'd like it if that movie ends with the pants setting up in an evidence locker the police station with come on

Thank you for saying calm as if everyone didn't get I guess the people at home didn't see Nick smiling and They couldn't put the pieces to get out of a Cheshire cat Yeah Come across a fictional women getting ready Yeah, that movie featured grease heavily Yeah, dude, I watched it on the plane in Japan you did I loved it Maybe I'll watch it. I love the music of appa. That's another gay thing about my childhood. Oh Dude, the music I listened to as a kid

it's purely like girl like boy bands spice girls I knew that was good. I at least knew that was good at the fucking abba fucking It's a cruel Creeps me out For banana ram is cruel summer just creeps me out what happens in it They're just walking around like the Lower East side and Williamsburg and shit, but it's like You know most like they're probably disgusting now. Yeah. Oh, you're just thinking of aging. Yeah I'm aging. It's just something about it just feels like death and I don't know

But just this like the idea of like I I don't know like I Like I'd watch it and I see like these are like, you know three like young pop stars or whatever like what like Oh, we're making a music video in fucking New York or whatever No, they're Irish. Oh, they were I thought they were like Swedish. No, I'm pretty sure they're Irish, but they Yeah, it's like but then like that like there's nothing to feel good about you're just gonna get old and die And it's like all these people have AIDS at the time not them, but like they're walking through a graveyard. Yeah, right exactly There's just a lot going on that just like makes me like Uncomfortable interesting. It's weird. It's one of those things and it's what I didn't I never really I think I was talking to

Ryan Beck about it Years ago and like I never like vocalized. I never like said it out loud, but he like he said it and I was like that I Fucking get that but the cheers Intro you still like creep me the fuck out of the drawings. Yeah, it just oh the drawings. You're right. They were Something weird about them. Well the old photographs and shit and it's like this idea that like all of these people are having fun But they're all dead now. Yeah, you know, so it like Interesting. Yeah, you're right. You know, it's like that's dark. Well, I don't know. You should just creep me out

Yeah, that's what it is. I guess it's a banana ram of things the same Yeah, just like the idea of people like having fun and I'm gonna be young forever Yeah, I know you see them now. They're horrible. Yeah. Yeah, and then to think oh my youth is already gone And I didn't have fun. Yeah I completely wasted it. I Spent my fucking youth doing open mics and seafood restaurants For fucking Dave chauffer. Yeah, Uncle fucking Dave Uncle Dave comedy Uncle mother one time when I was like first starting someone's like Uncle Dave's in the in the audience

He might want to do a good Even at that point when I didn't know what what the fuck was going on I was like, I highly doubt that Big industry. Yeah, dude. He was the he controlled the Red House Tavern. There were so many dumb motherfuckers They were the best. Uncle Dave's in the audience. Do you ever mean Sensei Ernie? I never meant Sensei Ernie. No, who the fuck is that? It sounds like we're making these guys up for real. They're real people.

Big fucking nerdy white guy that like maybe taught karate or something. He was also a magician and he was just fucking terrible Yeah, he was like an open miker and he would come to Wise Acres and then come to like I guess we would go like hang out at Clyde's afterwards sometimes. Nice. Yeah Fuck yeah, dude. The Sensei. Yeah Sensei Ernie. No Uncle Dave ran shit, baby. There was another uncle Was there a different uncle? There was a different uncle. Damn The uncle's Dave. Did he send his little dick pics to female open micers? No No. It's a tiny dick. It's a tiny pink ass penis.

You probably got a pink dick, Nick, huh? It's more Well, I guess it's multiple colors. It's pink. It's purple. Yeah, much. It's kind of blue. Yeah, no Blue, greeny, a sick green. A sickly, a gangrenous cock. Yeah, a gangrenous cock. That makes sense. Yellowy green. Mm-hmm. Do you have to drain it? Yeah, I have to drain it three times a day. I have like a little spout that I turn I was watching videos the other day of like people that get like Hematomas underneath their thumbnail, like their nail, like a blood blister, and you heat up a needle, and then burn a hole through the

Ah, the nail? The nail to let the blood out. No, fuck that. And apparently it's supposed to be really relieving But that, yeah, you have to like burn a hole through the fingernail. That's fucked up. Yeah, I hate that. Yeah But I saw it and I'm like, damn, I hope that happens. You wish. Yeah, you want a blood blister under your fucking finger? A cool project. Yeah, I hate blisters, dude. Yeah, although there is something nice about popping them bitches, seeing that weird pus. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but then you have that baggy, like, skin. That little baggy shit. Mm-hmm. Looks like a condom after you came in. Yeah, you wait for it to fall off and it's nasty. Damn, dude. Fucking, I freakin' hate condoms, man. Mm-hmm. What about you fellas? I freaking hate them, too. Go, go off. No one should use them. Damn. What did you guys think of that? Since we're going down memory lane, what did you think of the Mentos commercials?

That was like one of the first things I learned how to do parodies of. I loved them. Yeah. Even though they were weird and they were so different than American shit because they were European. Well, you know my opinion on twins, anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, when I was like, we should be able to suck each other's dicks. They do suck each other's dicks and they're all lying if they say they haven't. When I was a little kid, they were all 69. When I watched those Mentos commercials, I would laugh so hard. Just imagining like a guy hitting on a girl and she's like, no, or whatever. And then he's like, you know, he's the Mentos and then he goes in his car and he's like, buh-duh, buh-duh, buh-duh, buh-duh, and he gets a gun. But yeah, that was like a big hit for me. Oh yeah, that's big. That's big time. I remember trying putting a Mentos, I was like, mom, I need a fucking Mentos. Because I thought, any problem I had, I could just pop a Mentos in my mouth. It's so funny how susceptible the commercials are. Dude, like it would be like my friends would let me get a turn at playing the Power Rangers Nintendo games and I would eat a Mentos and ask again and they'd be like, no.

We already did. I would be like, what the fuck, this candy sucks dick. And it didn't taste that good. Mentos fucking sucks. Well, it's not candy, it's a breath mint. What? Yeah. Mentos is not. It's not candy, you're reading. Mentos. I thought it was candy. That's why it's fresh. They say it's Mentos freshens. But it's so chewy, Mentos freshens. No, it's gum. You're eating gum. It's like half mint, half gum. Damn, I would honestly gulp those bitches up whenever I got them. You know what's the most incredible candy in the world? What's that? The high chew. High chew is nothing. It's a gum that you can swallow. No, this is crazy garbage. What are you talking about? It's amazing. That's a stew. The greatest candy in the fucking mango high chew is my favorite. No, you're out of your fucking mind. Now, listen, is there some kind of good quality to a high chew? Sure. It's better than it should be in terms of the sensation of having it of chewing it and then being able to swallow it afterwards. Because it's like you can never swallow gum. Remind you of a man's cum. You don't chew cum. You do. Why would you chew? You do. You seem to know a lot about how to swallow and drink

cum, Adam. Yeah, I don't know that. I just, I don't know. I thought you chewed it. I've never seen the cum like that comes out of your dick. No, I don't look at it. I don't look at my fucking dick. That is gay. I see the face of my cock when it comes because if it's in a girl's mouth, but I don't see the cum. Yeah, because I'm not gay. Every time you've ever busted inside a girl's mouth, she swallowed it. Yeah, you don't know what the blast looks like. I've never seen that. So if she chews or not, after you've busted her mouth, does that close my eyes? You close your eyes out of respect. And I'm imagining a white woman instead. What's that? How? I only fuck black girls. Right. But I have my eyes closed. But I'm racist. Interesting. White women won't fuck me because I'm racist. So he has to close his eyes and pretend to be black women. Ah, interesting. You're lying to them. Well, I'm not lying to them. You're gaslighting them. Yeah, but gaslighting only applies to white women. I didn't know that. Yeah, it hasn't reached other communities. Black women and Puerto Rican women just fight with you. Right. If you try and gas them, they just punch you. They're from the old school where you can just have disputes with people and say things.

Yes. They don't, like, experience their relationships through a series of group chats on Twitter. Interesting. And, you know, supplanting psychotherapy for a network of women they barely know on the Internet. Right. You know, that's the move now. That is true. I get all my relationship advice from group chats. From, yeah, someone with an anime avatar. It's like, it sounds like you're being abused. Oh, wow. Thank you. I'm going to call the police right now. Yes. Oh, no, they watch things on my Netflix account and it fucked up my suggestions. What do you mean that's not rape? Well, my algorithm. Why don't you fucking speak to my friends in my group chats who say otherwise. That's right. Who say it's a form of physical violence? Why don't you speak to what's a pun with a Japanese guy's name? Honda Element. That's right. My name is Honda Element. Sir, that's just the name of a car. Shut up. Listen, this is a real phone call. Shut up for a second. Sir, that's the name of a car. Sir, you're in a Honda dealership. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm a man. Ma'am. I'm a police officer named Officer Honda Element. I demand to have this car for free. You're wearing hot sauce sweatpants bottoms. But you're wearing hot sauce pajama bottoms. You're wearing the top ramen clothes from Target.

There's a hole in your part of your penis is sticking through. Sir, you're opening your wallet and it's just filled with diarrhea. And it's a Velcro wallet, by the way. That's not a badge. It's a Velcro wallet full of shit. I'm a police officer named Honda Element. I demand to have this car. Sir, you've written Honda Element in diarrhea. Ma'am, excuse me, at least let me have free coffee from the coffee machine. Okay, if that means you'll leave, you can have some coffee. No, I'll pay you. Sir, what are you doing with that tent? Ma'am, this is a stakeout. I'm on a stakeout. We believe someone is trying to steal the Honda Element from the showroom. I'm on assignment. The police department has asked me to jack off in this tent. I am to live in this tent and you were to bring me some of the animal crackers from next to the coffee machine to live off of until we get to the bottom of who's trying to steal. Yes, I said my name was Honda Element earlier. I was confused.

Well, it is my name, but it's a coincidence. My name is Toyota Viper. Detective Toyota Viper, by the way. I know you close at seven, but we're part of I am a police officer, don't you understand? You've seen my badge. Ah, fuck. That's a good con, dude. Yeah, that's another good con. Yeah. Here's the thing. Get in boys, come in. You put the big bill on the outside and then you stroll right in, pretend to have Down syndrome and you walk out with all the candy in the store.

What's the point of putting the bill on the outside? Oh, I don't know. It just looks cool. The key is that they think you're mentally retarded. That's right. But it's the 1920s, Frank. Wouldn't I just be in prison? Wouldn't they send me to a jail with gay people and other retards? Wouldn't I just be in prison? Wouldn't I be charged with mental retardation? Damn, they really, really did not have a good go at things for quite some time and still not, you know. Oh, no, they get to speak to Congress now. They all go to the Olympics. First of all, being a retarded person sounds awesome. Yeah, it does.

First of all, there's no greater accomplishment than like working a minimum wage job that's subsidized by the state, so it's like you don't even get paid really. They make like a dollar a week. Really? Oh, yeah. Wait, what do you mean subsidized? They don't get the paycheck? The McDonald's does that whole thing about like we hire retarded people, you know, Army heroes. And I haven't looked into this at all. Yeah, they get like huge tax breaks or whatever. But they still get the paycheck. The retarded guy gets the paycheck, but they get paid prison money. Oh, really? They don't make minimum wage?

I don't think they get minimum wage. I think there's some thing where it's like, yeah, they get... Again, you haven't looked into it? I have not looked into it. And it does not sound right. It sounds right. Let me look it up. Let me look up whether retarded people get paid for it. Or if they're treated like prisoners. What would your job be if you were mentally retarded? Movie, theater, ticket, tear guy. That's a good one. I would say grocery bag guy. Because I get to meet so many nice people going to see the movies. I get to tell them the wrong theater to go into.

Go to eighth. That is one of the perks of the job. Even though they're like, well, my ticket, it says I'm in theater 11. No, it's eighth. I just sent you to a girl movie. Oh, so you would know. I would know. I'd do little tricks and then have a little mischievous smile. Here we go. Advocates of the disabled are trying to change a law that allows some employers to pay workers less than the minimum wage because they have a disability. Wow. That is fucked up.

Why is that the law? That's the joke we were doing. You would be in prison in the 20s. And it's like, well, you're retarded. We can't pay you minimum wage. Federal law allows about 30 employees and employers in Washington to pay workers less than minimum wage because those workers have disabilities that impair their productivity for the work being performed. That's wild. But advocates say this practice exploits people who deserve a shot at being productive.

Yeah, I don't know how it works exactly, but yeah, those companies hire retarded people because you can pay them less. Damn. And they still do work. What the fuck? To a certain extent, yeah. It's like if your bag and groceries are sweeping or whatever the fuck. But imagine if like, imagine how shitty that feels if you're the other guy that works through McDonald's. If this guy does every detail of your job. I know. I know. Yeah.

I mean, that actually happened to me. I was working at a pizza restaurant. They hired a retarded guy. The manager told me he's like, he's a better employee than you. I'm sure he is. He wasn't better at the job. I would just show up later fucked up. He's enthusiastic. No, not even. He's like a nonverbal zombie basically. But he did the work.

It was better. Yeah, it was just like we need to clean the bathroom. Michael would be like, oh, yeah, then he'd be in the bathroom for seven hours, but he would do it. Yeah, I mean, just leaving. Yeah. Instead of being like, no, I'm not fucking kidding. Instead of eating pizza and leaving and being like, no, I'm not doing any of this. Did you go on here till you fire me? Yeah, of course. At PPJs.

At every pizza restaurant I've ever worked at. You leave every day with a free pizza? No, I mean, that would be... Damn, this bitch about to bite you. Damn, yeah, she's mad at this. Whatever's going on here. The cat hates Nick's thigh. Yeah, because it's too powerful. Because it's weak. No, it's too weak. It's weak and it's too strong for her.

It makes her mad how weak your legs are. No, they're too strong. Yeah, no, any restaurant you've ever worked at should give you free food. If they don't, you should steal it. Yeah. Did you ever work at a restaurant? I never worked at a restaurant, no. Neither have I.

Any food service? Never in food service, no. My mom was a waitress and she was like, don't do that shit. Yeah, my sister's served weighted tables for years now. Oh, yeah. Yes, she has. She says OJs now comes in twice a week. Really?

Yeah. Whoa, the cat was about to bite Nick's little ass thigh. My legs are strong. Do you think your sister's going to have sex with OJs sometimes? I hope so. Does your sister know that me and her had sex? I don't know if she knows that. Oh, OK.

I could ask her. Yeah. I'll get back to you. Yeah. I mean, she was pretty knocked out there. Oh, no. So you had sex with my sister when she was sleeping? Yes.

See, that's crazy because I had sex with her when she was away. We both did in my carriage on the way to my manor. In a carriage? Yeah, me and Stavra on the way to my chateau. Where's your chateau? Where's your chateau? I forgot about it. Was I asleep too?

Yeah. Oh, you sucked my dick and fucked? No, we both fucked Adam's sister while we were drunk off Absinthe. Your sister was asleep on the way to my chateau. No, I was sleeping too. This was back when I was the Marquis. Oh, I was sleeping too, and I did it under Nick's orders because he was the Marquis. I'm the Marquis.

I said I was going to have his family killed. I said good sir, my name is Pierre St. Toyota Viper. Good sir, come into my manor, aka this tent and I'm on the dealership. I don't know how to get him out of here. 20 minutes ago he was a police officer. Now he's the Marquis. He's the Marquis. There's a sleeping girl, some fat guy.

I think they're raping some girl in his tent. And he keeps telling me he's a police officer in the Marquis. Is that a style of rape where someone just makes other people have sex with each other? I would guess so. It has to be, right? Yeah. Because I was crying. Yeah, like the guy in...

I can't believe I'm going with this. I have no loyalty to anyone in my real life. Well, this is a fake person. I forgot it was even about your sister. Oh, in the story. You're laughing about the guy at the Honda dealership. There's no continuity here. Yeah.

Because for a while this was me as the Marquis. Well, it turns out Nick has been the guy the whole time. This bit is like a dream where it just changes every 10 seconds. You know, sometimes if the show is bad, it's good to lean into sort of that sort of dream logic. I like that. That's something I learned from the Jerry Brockheim or Don Simpson. I thought you were going to say like surrealism or something. Yeah.

As Jerry says. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So anyways, we're in the Honda dealership. So we're in the... Nick is dressed in a fucking full and revolutionary war outfit. Instantly, I know that the man to play Toyota Viper is Denzel. And for a number of reasons.

Not only... I like that you're not only on your phone, but the microphone is just gone. Just on your shirt. I texted him. Yeah. We already texted him. We said Adam is... We're in the group chat.

I'm asking him to bring my... We're in the group chat with the whole world. Oh, yeah. Just text him on that group chat with the whole world. The whole world talking about how you can take a smaller... Can you bring my jewel charger next to the couch on the left side? Nick is smaller than the... Whatever, the cord or whatever we're talking about.

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. My last text from him is at 4.19 a.m. You still look booby. We're trying to kiss you now. I guess I was sleeping. You're trying to kiss him. No, he texted me that.

Oh, you texted him. Can I kiss you? That's fucking weird, dude. That's weird that you texted him that. He texted me. And then you texted him back. No, you texted me. No, I'm texting him right now.

Yeah. Where'd you text him? Can I kiss you? No, I was sleeping. Dude, I look... Hold on. You must have been asleep having one of your Ambien gay fugues. That's right.

When you take your Ambien... No, I ran out... When you take Ambien to Niagara at the same time. When you take it and go into a gay fugue. Me and Dasha took all the Ambien. Do you stay up and like have a... Do you fight it so they can do weird shit? We stay up.

Yeah, and then Dasha buys things online. Like what? Things off of AliExpress. And then like we get it in 45 to 60 business days. And then she's like completely does not remember buying any of it. It's a fun game, honestly. That is a fun game. Yeah.

What kind of stuff do you buy? She bought some butt plugs. Nice. That's cool. Stretch you out. She bought... Yeah, for me. She bought some like weird...

There's just a fire hydrant in the middle of Adam's living room. Like what is that for? And he's like, don't worry about it. Just a fire hydrant and then just like a fucking... A lube dispenser with a pump instead of a bottle. She buys like a lot of knickknacks. A lot of stuff on AliExpress is like five dollars or less. Interesting.

You've been to that store five below? Yeah, of course. Great stuff. Great store. A bunch of shitty plastic toys. You find you look for the poorest kid in the store and you follow him around with his mom and you wait until his eyes light up at some toy and then you walk over and you take every single one of them.

Oh, I'm purchasing all of these. And it's so fun. It only costs about fifty dollars. Yeah, that's... To scar a child for life. The price of admission to Six Flags. You can just go to five below. And really rub it in a working mother's face.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm purchasing all of these. If you want one, it's now two hundred dollars. I don't know. I'm just the free market, man. Have you ever heard of capitalism? Man, my name is Grover St. Clair. I'm a marquee and a capitalist.

The guy five below is like, we got more in the back if you want. I'll purchase all of those as well. I want those too. These men's, man. Does the free market love your son or do you? Capitalist. Capitalist Grover St. Clair. That's such a funny modifier.

I am a capitalist, dude. I love it. I'm a marquee and a capitalist. But what that means to you is that you just buy toys. Buy toys and try and sell them to children for double. Yeah, you just rip off poor single mothers. Or try and make a different kind of arrangement with them. No, yeah.

A sexual one. Well, possibly. Oh, man, you have another option. You can buy me the toys I want. And in exchange, I'll give your son one of these. What toy is that? PlayStation four. I don't have $400.

Well, it looks like your son is going to die sad hating his mother. His slut mother that wouldn't buy a PlayStation for a butopatted gentleman. Or suck his dick in the middle of the dollar. Yeah, ma'am, I already said I can just put my penis in one end of my top hat and you can put your face through the other. And it will happen in private. This is the top hat with a hole. No top of the top hat. It's just the cylinder.

Ma'am, I've brought this antique photography equipment so you can drape. And I've replaced the camera with my dick. You can drape it over your face. You can even let the young chap play with a toy while you suck my dick. It's a simple business exchange in the middle of the five below. This place of free market ideas. Yeah. We got a call earlier.

He was living in the Honda dealership. I'm pretty sure it's the same. He broke into a magic supply store and got a top hat. And now he's in the five below. And he's trying to fuck a rape woman. What did he tell you? His name is like Toyota St. Clair or something. Yeah, no, it's the same guy. He broke into the fucking magic store.

And one of the guys there obviously was told him about libertarianism. Yeah, we get a lot of... So now he's trying to rape and tell people about the free market. We get a lot of calls about that. Yeah, he's been in that shopping center for about the last 15 years. Yeah, we really don't know what to do with him. Oh, fuck. You know, speaking of one of those things where you suck dick through a top hat,

there was a Japanese game show where they tried to see if a straight guy... This is the level of game show that Japan is on, which I respect so much. They had a straight porn star and they were like, do you think a gay man can get you to bust your load? And he was like, no way. And they had like a gay porn star suck his dick on television. But his head was in a little box. And they just, like, an auditorium full of people watch these men have gay sex. And they were like cheering the gay guy on.

And he made him bust. What's the show called? The Mouth is a Mouth? I don't know. It was so funny, dude. A hole is a hole. He was like this fat gay guy. Hey, you ever see that show, The Mouth is a Mouth? Vinny, no. No Vinny, we haven't.

Where is Vin up? Where is Vin, man? I don't know, in Connecticut. What's up with BAM, dude? Any news on the BAM front? Yeah, I've been following him on Instagram. He lets people come over to his house for like three hours a day and use his skate ramp. That's tight. He gave out his gate code on Instagram. He's like, yo, if you're trying to come over and skate, my gate code is like 1979.

Yeah, we should go, dude. Try and go skate with him. I think he's back in his skating. Good for him. He's returning to his roots. Should I get into skating? Yes. I have a skaters physique, people have told me. Yeah, exactly.

You need a low center of gravity so you can land to the 360, you land it. You have awkwardly large feet for your height. I actually do. You have like size 14 feet or something. 13. 13. Anywhere between 11 and a half, 13, depending on the shoe. The brand.

Because I wear a very wide. Oh yeah, you have a wide. My actual size foot is 11 and a half quadruple wide. Damn. Yeah. And my penises does not match that, which is a real shame. But what are you going to do? Kill yourself.

What? No, I won't. Come back on this shit about how retards don't get paid as much. That is fucked up, man. Yeah. Funny that they made that a law. Yeah. That you can pay them.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some guys like some guys in like the fucking state legislature. He's like, all right, I'm going to put, I'm going to put this vote. Here's, here's my proposal. We pay retards last. This is some common sense stuff that we can all reach across the aisle for.

You're not going to pay. This is, I want, I want to get bipartisan consensus. Yeah. We all hate the retarded. Let's reach across the aisle. Maverick style. John McCain. This is great.

This is an article from 2001 and just listen to how it's on slate. Listen to how this language. Oh God. Like would not be accessible. It's changed. Just days ago. Explainer answered the question. Does the law treat the insane differently than the retarded?

However, the item did not explore the legal rights of the retarded and others. It was 18 years ago. I thought it was 2011. No, it's a dude. 2001 was that. Yeah. Oh, did not explore the legal rights of the retarded in other areas such as marriage, home ownership and the right to eat their own poop.

I don't think that was there. Well, I am adding a little bit of flavor. Yeah. Yeah. Seasoning. How do you escalate the American Association of Mental Retardation defines it? Damn. Is that real?

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure they've changed their name. Check it out. Why? Because it's 911. Yeah. And it all changed. A lot of people know this Muhammad Hatta had Down syndrome.

Well, he just hated the usage of the R slur. Yeah. Yeah. It's not about America's imperialism. It's not about imperialism. Well, it's the imperialism of the R slur. They're going to other countries making them use it. Yeah.

It's fucked up. It's now the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities. Intellectual disability. Yeah, that's way worse than the retarded. I got intellectual disabilities. I'm stupid. I have a guy with Down syndrome who goes into a coma in 1998 and he comes out of the coma. They're like, good news.

You're not retarded anymore. He's like, I'm not. They're like, no, you're intellectually disabled. That's very funny. Oh, OK. Oh, good. That's good news. Yeah.

Take me to the five below immediately. Drive me to the Honda dealership immediately. That's so funny. It's like saying you can't do anything. You can't do anything. You can't do anything. You can't do anything. You can't do anything.

You can't do anything. You can't do anything. You can't do anything. You can't do anything. It's like saying you cured cancer by just changing the name. Which you could. Just like that same guy who just comes in there like, there's a woman with her kid with Down syndrome being like, ma'am, I'm a medical doctor.

My name is Price Cooper. Dr. Price Cooper and your son has Down syndrome. That'll be $500. Excuse me. I'm diagnosed with Down syndrome. I'll be collecting my $500. Make the check payable to just give me cash. In fact, whatever you have in your pocket doesn't have to be $500. You could also purchase a PlayStation 4.

What do you mean I'm not a doctor? I'm wearing this fucking coat, aren't I? Don't I look the part? It's like, no, that's a nightgown. You tore in half. Yeah. That's a nightgown. You scissored down the middle.

Yeah. You're wearing women's clothes from the fat girl section of Target. Oh, fuck, dude. You're wearing the fat lady. It ain't over until the fat lady sings. Dude, I bet you maternity jeans are very comfortable. Yeah. You should straight up start wearing maternity clothes.

I'm about to start wearing them. You know what? I was in Target the other day and I was looking at the fat mannequins that are just now everywhere. The fat mannequin. Yeah, yeah. I was there the other day. Respect. Good.

If it's like... It's fat ladies, though. I don't think they do fat guys. Yeah, they don't do fat men. Nobody gives a shit about it. What? No, no, no. Fat women.

What the fuck? Well, it's like, like, seven years ago, if you saw that, somebody would have been like, that's fucked up, dude. Yeah. That's really not nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it looks like a mockery. Yeah.

You know, fat people. Mm-hmm. But I guess that's what they want. They want to be laughed at. They want to be laughed at? Well, they're forcing us to. Well, let me say something. They want to be laughed at and mocked.

As the representative, I'll say that is not what we want. Yeah. We just want... We want... As a fat woman. As a fat woman. I think we should do the Israel model. As the man who's probably had...

Which is what? And every single identity should have its own country. What do you mean? Mm-hmm. So every discernible identity... Uh-huh. ...should have its own country. You're saying, like, a nation state, or an...

A fat people? Do you have to choose? What if you're... There's probably going to be... Yes. ...a nation state, sure. So there's, like, a fat people nation state? Yes.

But just a queer, disabled, Pakistani nation state? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. It's every single one? Or is it, like, they're general, but you get to choose which one you get drafted into? Right, because couldn't you belong to multiple worlds? Yeah, I'm fat. I'm also free.

Sure. But then you have to develop a hierarchy of identities, where it trickles down, and then each nation state, there's different states that represent the subcategories. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm. It seems complicated. No, it doesn't. It's, like, you weight your identity.

So if you're, like... If you're, like, gender or race... That's an individual decision, and then your choice of... You weight your own identity. So it's not the state that prescribes you. But if you're, like... If you're, like, I'm a gay black man that's 400 pounds, you would move to the gay country, and the black state, and then the town for fatso.

Oh! I see. Okay, I like that, actually. Yeah. But there's no variety, though. You can't, like... What if you... You want to fuck, you know, different kind of people?

Yeah, what if you want to fuck a straight Chinese guy? Yeah, I'm a politician. Just walking in the U.N. My name is Dingus Eljuwon. Eljuwon. And I have come up with... No, it's not urine. Ma'am, keep your hands off me.

Keep your hands off me. Do not touch my super soaker. There is not urine in this super soaker. It is just for my own... I'm sorry, is your name Mason? Is your name Mason? Because these are not your jars, unless that's your name. I'm holding these jars for my friend Mason.

And it is not urine. It is not. I pissed all of these out myself. I brought them here. What do you mean? No, they're not urine. Piss isn't... Fuck.

They're distilled. They're different. I ran them through a Brita filter. I've got them down in my basement cooling off for 40 days and nights and boil it down into pure phosphorus. This is my invention. I'm an inventor.

I'm boiling piss. What happens if you boil piss down in salt? No, it boils down into phosphorus. Into phosphorus, literally. Can't you make light bulbs out of that? Sure. Phosphorous. Phosphorous is luminescence.

It's photoluminescence. If you expose it to light and then turn the lights off, it'll... Israel used white phosphorus in Gaza, which was a terrible weapon. You could make chemical weapons? Yeah. With your own piss?

With your own piss. Interesting. Was that the guy that... those militia kind of guys? Was that what they're up to? What's his name? The guy that did Oklahoma City and stuff? Are they making chemical weapons with their own piss?

No? Ted Bundt. I keep wondering, it's not Ted Bundt. It's like Kaczynski. It's not. Timothy McVeigh. Timothy McVeigh. And it was a T.

Whatever. I don't know why. Is there another McVeigh? Someone named McVeigh? The coach of the Rams. That's right. That's who I'm thinking about. He's a young guy.

Young, hot, gets nice pussy. He's got a hot... He does have a hot girlfriend. Yeah. I think they're guys on the team that are older than him. Yep. He slams nice pussy. Sean McVeigh.

Sean McVeigh. Belchak also slams old nice pussy. And his daughter too. He slams his daughter. Does his daughter look like him? Yeah, she's nasty and they kissed on the lips after he won the sequel. Would you kiss... You seem like the kind of person that would kiss your children on the lips at him.

Only my male children. It's inappropriate if I do it to women. Yeah, that's true. My dad kissed me on the lips for way too long. Yep. I think I had to have a talk so I stopped kissing. I think it was like, I'm... Dad, I'm 25 years old.

Dropping you off of college. Have a nice day, Addy. Give me that mouth. Show papa what that mouth does, Adam. What does that mouth do? That mouth do, Adam. You ever suck dick for money, Adam? How much money?

Just on Jezebel. For five minutes? How much money? What? How much money? I don't know. It's up to you. I said four money.

I didn't determine the price. Yeah, if it was enough money, I'd do it. So it was like, here's $500,000 to suck a dick. Yeah, of course. Nice. Well, guess what, dude? Guess what? For $500,000.

Yeah, his name is Titus Miles. Okay. He's a marquee, a capitalist, a magician. I'm a venture capitalist. I'm investing in getting my dick sucked by Adam. If you're not gonna invest in that, we can have a discussion. You gotta give me the $500,000. Yeah, I'm gonna need 50% steak in your mouth from now on.

I get to fuck your mouth whenever I want and I get to recapture my principle. What do you mean? That's not the agreement. The agreement is I suck this dick. Dude, you're coming. Half after the bus. First of all, you're coming to terms. All right?

Just relax. Be a professional negotiator. I would love that. I would love an episode of Shark Tank where it's like all of them pass and it's only the fooboo guy. And it's like, yeah, it's like a girl. She's like, cookies by Melissa. And he's like $200,000, 10% a take, but you gotta suck my dick right now.

I want that same thing, but with Mr. Wonderful. It's just like dramatic shots of the woman's face and then up close on him, tenting his fingers as they cut the commercial break. Yeah, he's not smiling at all. Coming up on Shark Tank. Will Melissa suck his dick? Is Mr. Wonderful gay? I think I've asked this before.

Is he? He's not. He's Canadian. It's weird that his name is Kevin O'Brien. Kevin O'Leary. Yeah. You think his name would be like David Sheimowitz or something? No.

He's Irish. He's one of your boys. And then he's like, how you doing? My name is Patrick O'Cleary. He seems like someone that would pay men to suck their dicks. Oh, yeah. That's the vibe I get from him, which is not a bad vibe, I guess. That's just the impression that I get.

Damn, I wonder what that guy's up to now because he's probably close to death and he's like, fuck, I spent my whole life being in the mighty, mighty Boston. He's not near death. He's probably 60. Yeah. No. Is he that old? Yeah, for sure.

Probably. What's his name? Dickie Barrett. The lead singer of the Boston. Dickie Barrett is probably rich, dude. Are they from Boston, Massachusetts? Yeah. So yeah, Boston's.

So it's a pun. That's correct. Because like tones like music. Yeah. Born June 22nd, 1964. So he's 78 years old. No, that's not right. That's not the math.

Off the top of my head. He's just doing a little mental math. No, because my mom's 60 something and she was born in the 50s. Yeah. He's 54 years old. So he's close to death. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah.

And he's probably, look up his net worth. Damn. I guess that band's been because yeah, the band's been around since what 83. No, nice. That long and they had one hit in the late 90s. Do you remember that movie with fucking Mr. Holland's Opus? What was his name? Kevin Spacey.

No. Patrick Swayze. No, whatever. Patrick Spacey. No. Mr. Holland's penis. The guy from Mr. Holland's Opus. Hello, I'm the star of Mr. Holland's.

Mr. Dreyfus. Mr. Dreyfus. Mr. Holland's open ass. Is Adam's favorite movie? Mr. Holland's. Adam's. Mr. Asshole's open. Mr. Holland's.

Oh, I wish I could conduct the opera someday. Mr. Asshole's open. Mr. Richard Dreyfus holding his ass cheeks open. Ah, fuck. That's a good one. The little sign above his ass it says close and he flips it around. It says open. Put the little conductor thing in his ass and conduct it that way.

His baton. Yeah, that's a good idea. Oh, yeah. It's a very damn good idea. What is it? Is it? Okay, this is going to sound like a stupid question. Oh, he's the announcer for Jimmy Kimmel.

Nice. Oh, he is? That's a cushion gig, probably. That's a great gig. He lives in LA probably gets paid. Well, getting sucked off by a man. That's Goldfinger. He's from Rhode Island.

Doing everything. Yeah, that's not that's not the money. To get sucked off by a man. Trying to keep my mouth on a dick. I can't wait to suck another dick. And I'm so confused about why these girls don't like me. And I'm so confused in New York. This city is what dreams are made of.

This guy's driving an Uber singing that to himself. Let's hear it for New York. These lights will inspire you. He's paying off his $9 million tax. This city is what dreams are made of. Let's hear it for New York. I think Indian. I think a lot of Indian men are fans of Alicia Keys.

Fuck dude. The joke isn't that he would like Alicia Keys. New York is never going to be nice to that guy. No, I know what I'm saying. Are you saying? Maybe I am, dude. He now lives in Los Angeles. Dickie?

Yeah, he works on Jimmy Kimmel. You get paid just to be like, and now Jimmy Kimmel. Never will have fortunate like Sejak films like seven episodes in a day. And then they just shoot the entire year in like a two month period. Really? Respect. That fucking rules. He's a really good conservative thinker.

Should we do a game show? Yeah. You can actually come up with a game show idea. You can come up with a card game that they like in Vegas. Like you'll be rich for life. What do you mean a card? Just any card game? You can come up with a game or something.

War. Yeah. There. You didn't come up with it. Yeah, but I'll be the one that pitches it. Well, he did come up with it, Adam. No, he didn't. He just said the name of the game.

One, two, three, four. He came up with the name of the game. I declare a card war. Like if I had to come up with the name of a movie and I said Titanic, I came up with it. See? No. You're saying you have to come up with a game.

So Blackjack. That one already exists, you fucking idiot. They play that in Vegas. They play war in Vegas too. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No. Don't pretend like you know.

Yes, they do. I'm from Vegas. They don't play war. Yeah, they do. No, they fucking don't. Why are you mad? Because I came up with a fucking card game and you said Blackjack, like a fucking idiot.

I didn't say Blackjack. It must be weird being a Jewish family that lives in Las Vegas. There are plenty of Jewish families. A place like that's about like the possibility of losing money. A good chance. Yeah. Yeah. Did your family wake up every morning just in a cold sweat?

Like. My dad for a while was gambling. Was he? Yeah. Because it's everywhere, dude. It's like you leave the supermarket. You pay for the 20. And there's slot machines right after you check out.

You're like, oh, I'll just put my change in the slot machine. And then like time just erases. You're there for three hours. That's insane. Yeah. They had slot machines in laundry mats. Do they have gas stations? Do they have prostitutes in grocery stores?

They don't have prostitutes in Las Vegas. Every other county in Nevada except for Clark County. I thought they come up to you when you're playing and like, hey. Those are, those are waitresses. Suck your dick. Those are waitresses. Cocktail waitresses. Suck your dick.

No cocktail waitresses like dress like scantily clad and bring you drinks. You get free drinks if you're playing the game. No, no, no. Again, the way I wanted to be in a fucking band slash gang as a child. I was led to believe from movies that there's horrors that look nice. They try and get you to fuck in Vegas. Well, yeah, there's I'm sure there's a lot of prostitutes in Vegas, but it's not legal.

Yeah. What are they at the grocery store? Yeah, at the grocery store sales. Just Adam and like pumps and like a short red dress. Just walking up and down the strip. Working the block. Trying to get some money. Playing a slot machine.

I would never revert to street. You're just having having sex with Nicholas Cage in a hotel room. He's drinking himself to death. Who was that? Elizabeth something. Elizabeth shoe. Elizabeth shoe. Yeah, she was.

She was pretty hot. Yeah, she was. She didn't really work after that movie. She was in a couple of movies. I know. Kind of went away. I know the name and I don't really know anything about movies. So she must be kind of famous.

There was another actress I thought about the other day. I couldn't. Patricia Arquette. No, that's a good one. She rules. I would love to smash it going to time machine and smash. I would smash her now, honestly. It'd be funny if they replaced her boyhood because she kind of stopped acting, but she's

in boyhood. No, she didn't stop acting. She didn't. No, she was in that prison. She escaped from Denimora, which I got horny while she was getting talented. It's good, right? You could see like, you know, she gets fucked by the inmates. Yep.

She did. And you can't see her. That's the dream. But you can see the part, you know, the part that's like when your pants are pulled down and you're like side profile. And you can see. Like side. Damn, she was in a movie called holes.

I'm trying to go see that. Yeah. The guy, Patricia Arquette. The guy who doesn't understand. The guy who doesn't know the movies are gay. Now he's. Oh, baby. I can't wait to go.

What the hell is this? It's a bunch of faggot kids. They're doing gay shit in the desert. There's not a single hole in the goddamn thing. And nobody's fucking a hole. What the fuck? Yeah. She was escaping there more than she was in that other thing about that crazy girl or

that mom who had, who kept pretending her daughter was sick. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's the mom of that. The guy from 4chan killed the mom. Was it 4chan? Yeah.

I think so. Yeah. Like she gets an internet boyfriend. You showed us that documentary. Yeah. She's like Gypsy Rose. Gypsy. Yeah.

She's in jail right now. Yeah. Free Gypsy. Free Gypsy. Yeah. That guy, that guy killed her mom and then like, I think raped Gypsy Rose. Nice. I thought they were in love.

No, but he, in the documentary. That's cool. You think that's cool? I didn't even hear what you said. Murdering a woman and raping her daughter. Maybe that's the kind of mom I'll be one day. Yeah. That's my proxy.

Yeah. Yeah. Convince you. You can't get out of bed. You're too sick. Let daddy, let papa fuck you off. Let me give you some poison real quick. And just go take a long sleepy.

Yeah. Now you're going to like make your kid do baseball, but then not encourage him or really be supportive. No, no, I'm not putting my kid into baseball. Yeah. So you're going to be like, I really want to play baseball and you're like, no, you're not doing that. My dad made me do it.

My dad made me play baseball. So you're going to, you're going to just, you're going to negate your negate everything that your dad did by not letting your kid do anything he wants. Baseball is just standing around. Well, either way, you're running the whole time. You will be a performatively supportive soccer father. Yeah. Not, you'll spend most of the time talking to the other guys being like, my dad was

such an asshole to me during your kid's scoring. You're not even paying attention. My dad, my dad was so bad to me. Well, he has to work for my attention. That's true. And that inspires him to be a better soccer player. Yeah. You know, and then one day he'll be at the World Cup and I'll be talking to some guys

sitting next to me about my dad and he'll score the winning goal because I'm, because he's convinced I'm not watching. You're going to have, you're going to have a son. You guys are going to end up in a gray garden situation. Just, just too, too old. Big Adam and little Adam. Little Adam's like, I've been doing some open mics. I'm like, I was a much better committee.

I was the funniest girl in New York in those days. In Southampton. I used to, yeah, we would go out to West Egg with, with Clarence and Toyota St. Clair. He was a baron, you know. He was a marquee. A marquee. Back then New Jersey had marquees. I can't wait to see that, Adam.

Well, folks, listen, come see us in Canada. We're going to be there in June, which it is now already. They added a second show for Vancouver. Vancouver. It's sold out. We will now have a show on the 17th of Monday. So come see us then. Or wait, I'm sorry, the 24th.

I don't fucking know. Just go to Come Town Dine Events. We're going to Toronto on the 14th. We're going, and then the other ones I forget, but Come Town Dine Events. And then also I will be in Los Angeles in a week at the Lyric Hyperion. I'm doing some new stuff. It's a cheap show. 10 buckaroos.

Come see me. It will be a fun time. And if you're in Canada, come see the boys. Goodbye, everyone. Bye.