The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 160 – Dover Delaware Live (1/17/2016)

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Our first live show from back in the day, this was before stav was on the podcast and it was just me and and two girls who talk about sex

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Oh, yeah, you're not. Where are, I started already. Penis. Check. Hold on, check the, see how it sounds good? Everything's, yeah, levels are good. I have headphones right here. Well, I mean, I'm looking at the levels on this.

Just plug it in, man. You never know. You have aux here. You plug it in, man. You never know. You plug it in because I can't hear. What do you mean you can't hear? I can't hear anything. How do you even hear what we're saying? I'm reading lips. No, I'm covering my lips.

Well, now I can't hear you. Well, you just responded to me, though, bitch. Dude, hey, Adam, Nick's fucking gay. But I know you're saying something But I can't see your lips I don't know what you're saying If you can't I can see you Because you're not covering your lips

Well I'm about to I'm gonna plug this in Cover my lips If you're If you're If you're Dick's little Talk If you're

If you're Dick's little talk Ah You did You made a sound It sounds a little loud It stopped talking Because I can't. He's covering his lips. No, it worked.

He talked. Stop talking, Adam. He knows I'm talking. I can hear. I have the ability to hear. Weird, because I was just imagining a situation hypothetically where someone would say something like, if you talk, then your dick is gay. And then they follow, or your dick is small.

No. And then you follow that. But the guy who's not talking is really loud. By continuing to speak. No. So that would imply. The guy who says it is exempt. No.

Oh, shit. He's not exempt. It sounds what? What is wrong with this? It sounds pretty loud to me. It's not loud. Okay. Then we're fine.

Look at the levels on here. Okay. So we don't need headphones. So they're right in between negative 18 and negative 12 okay all right and you're also not covering your lips anymore so i can read i can't hear anything so i don't even know why i'm listening to the headphones i don't have any ability to hear any of this stuff i lost my hearing in Iraq. Oh, really? Yeah, listening to the screams of children. You were on vacation? The children I was decimating.

Whoa. That was your job? I was a private contractor. I went on the last crusade in Iraq. A lot of people don't know this, but the Vatican also sent people if they wanted to go. In armor and shit?

Yeah. With swords? With swords and guns. Wasn't the last crusade a Nazi thing? Nazis weren't God-fearing folk? Nazis were atheists. I thought the Nazis were trying to find...

Modern atheism was founded by... No, I'm talking about Indiana Jones. Most of the Holocaust was essentially a debate me kind of thing. Yeah. What do you mean a debate me? So the Jews weren't able to, with logic, win. So they were sent to the camps.

Yeah. Okay. If you look at the Holocaust, it's the only argument Jews have ever lost. And that's why Ben Shapiro has gotten to become the best debater in the world. He's a natural survivor. Man, it's funny to see the end of him. Is it? I mean, what's the end of him?

He'll be around forever. No, because he took that L on the BBC. By that fat British guy? He's not going to go away. Now there's more scrutiny. And people are pulling all this shit from his show where he's like, you know that thing about Western culture

versus Muslim culture, whatever that was. But he also recently said, and I'd have to look it up again, but that he should be able to have sex with a six-year-old if he wants to. Oh, really? He said that on his podcast? I can't be sure. It was something. At least that was the gist.

Did he write it in a column? Legally speaking, I can't be sure. But he did say that. Someone who's usually reliable has told me that. So it's close to the ground. Yes. who's usually reliable has told me that. So it's close to the ground.

Yes. Yes. And in fact, I don't even know if it's about Ben Shapiro. A certain right wing tiny hat wearing guy. Yes. Said Rabbi Shmuley has had sex with millions of children. So Ben Shapiro or another right wing Jew. Well, that was someone who just wears a little hat.

Oh, yeah. So, you know, oh, that guy who, you know. Oh, that really opens up to it. That's all the blind item said. I actually didn't say any of this myself. I read it on a certain blind item website has said unequivocally

that Ben Shapiro rapes children. Really? Yeah. Well, legally speaking, we can't verify that. Legally speaking,

that is what it said and, yes, legally speaking, we can't verify that. Legally speaking, that is what it said. And yes, you know, off the record, we can verify it. A certain famous blind item website. I'm going to just start a blind item website. About blind items? Yeah, about blind items. And that's how you get around. You can just say it's like, you know, a certain blind, not to be named blind item website that's pretty popular, definitively stated that Jon Voight fucked a three-year-old.

And then Jon Voight can't get mad because it's like, no, I read it on elsewhere. I read it somewhere. You read it. He's like, where's the link? And it's like, I lost it. Yeah, I don't remember. I lost the link. I read it somewhere.

Why are you being fucked up about this, Jon? I didn't even say you did it. I said they said that you did it. I said I read that someone said it. Yeah. You're being fucking rude, John Voight. Yeah. Sorry, you fucking kids.

Yeah. If you got a problem with that, take it to court. Let's see if you can find a single judge in this country. That'll take this case. It'll take this case. Oh, I don't know where.

Anywhere except to the recycling bin on the hard drive. So true. On the desktop. Drag and drop, baby. Drag and drop. Email him. Guess where it's ending up. It's being the hard drive on the desktop. Drag and drop, baby. Drag and drop. Email him. Guess where it's ending up.

It's being dragged and dropped into the trash. He's downloading the attachment. Only to put it in the trash. He's not even opening it. He's not opening it. Oh, what's that? I'm actually being sued for libel? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Oh, I'm going to jail? Oh, I have to produce a million dollars or I'm going to jail? Oh, I have to produce a million dollars or I'm going to jail? Now I'm going to jail, am I? Oh, just being passive-aggressive with the movie. Oh, so I'm going to jail. Oh, you're going to jail now. Oh, okay.

Oh, cool. Yeah, wow. That's awesome. Yeah, that's a real cool move of you to arrest me and throw me in jail. Yeah, I bet you feel really cool doing that. We are here, by the way, boys and girls. In Montreal. Beautiful Montreal.

Quebec. Quebec. Getting our penis is absolutely licked and sucked off by the local population. The indigenous Montrealese, which is French. A lot of people don't know this is where France started. This was the first France. And then they went over to Europe on vacation. Except when, in World War II,

when the Nazis conquered Paris and started Vichy France, they also started a Vichy Quebec here. That's right. They're Nazis. Absolutely correct. And they actually were never conquered. So it's still kind of an occupied... There's still kind of a busty Quebec here. That's right. They're Nazis. Absolutely correct. And they actually were never conquered. So it's still kind of

an occupied... They're still kind of a bustling Nazi population. It's like a French spin on the old Nazi ways that you know and love. They use more butter in their cooking.

Exactly. That's pretty much the only difference. And there's strudels and schnitzels. We should say, though, you know what? Let's plug our shows up top.

We are... The day you're hearing this, Wednesday... Can you pull it up on your phone? My phone is charging. Yes. We're at the Mon... Wednesday the 19th.

We're at the Rialto Theatre here in Montreal. We're at the Rialto Theatre. This goes up on Wednesday. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so tonight we're at the Rialto Theatre. In Montreal. So please come see us. And then we are going to...

Where's next? Ottawa, Ontario. The capital of Canada. Where I will be bare bare knuckle brawling the prime minister justin trudeau right we're oiling up trudeau he's gonna wear his gay ass socks we're doing yeah we're gonna do an oiled greco-roman style fight um june 21st in ottawa at center point theater uh the 23rd in vancouver sold out at yuck yucks the 20 we're having the there's still we had it at Monday show

But the 24th The next night There are still tickets available 24th Vancouver But those are going fast Vancouver's selling fast And they're going fast And probably that one's

Going to sell out as well And then in Edmonton We're going to be performing On the 26th At the Starlight Which I hear is fabulous That's right The Dallas of Canada.

So please get your fucking tickets. We haven't really promoted it as well as we should, and we don't want to lose money going to Canada. We've been spending a lot of money. My poutine habit is out of control. Yeah. I spent all the earnings from Toronto on poutine. I bought a horse.

Nick's been riding around everywhere. I've been riding around on a Clydesdale. And I've just gotten addicted. I'm an Arabian. I've been riding around on a Clydesdale. And I've just gotten addicted. I've gotten addicted to Nuru style massage. That's true. Which is, I guess, an eastern style, but it's very popular here in Canada. Nuru?

It's like a Bill Maher kind of thing. Nuru. Nuru. Nuru. Deaf Bill Maher. Nuru. It'd be great if Bill Maher was A mentally retarded man

He's close He's close Yeah he's close Yeah he is close Huh Yeah Bill Maher Bill Maher

Got it with his own kind of Bill Maher word Bill Maher word Yeah The Maher word with Bill Maher Oh that would be Hold on I gotta I'm afraid

I have to fart but I'm afraid Yeah it's just air gotta... I'm afraid... I have to fart, but I'm afraid. Yeah, it's just air. I have... I'm gonna be sitting on a fucking steaming hot shit-a-reen for this... The entirety of this episode. But I'm a professional. I can do it. Yeah, stick it out.

Thanks, man. One last plug before we really get pumping. I have started a weekly show at the Stand Comedy Club. Woo! First one is the first Tuesday in July. Fat Tuesdays. Every Tuesday, I'll be hosting with my buddy. They made you call it Fat Tuesday?

I chose to call it Fat Tuesday. Oh, okay. You chose the name. Yes. What if you lose weight? It's still Fat Tuesday. All right. Because it's more like the Catholic thing.

You're not from New Orleans. I am. I didn't know that. Yeah. Are you hosting? You're hosting as Pierre St. Pierre? I'm hosting as Pierre. No, it's just going to be an awesome stand-up show.

These motherfuckers will probably pop through, do some spots here and there, if Nick isn't quit stand-up. And Funny Moms is commencing on July 8th. We're starting back up again. We were off for this month because of travel and then certain other complications, but we're back being gay we're back every monday so there's actually four mondays in july so it'll be the 8th 15th 22nd and 29th oh so many chances so many chances to see the boys so yeah come out and and a person of color

and a woman which we have booked on every single show because we because we have a quota and we feel like we have to but also because they're a quota and we feel like we have to. But also because they're very talented and we'd like to showcase new voices. No, that's right. We tried to book white men. Yes. That's what we try to do. Yes.

Because normally all the spots would be going to... Nick DiPaolo. Nick DiPaolo. Yeah, Nick. He's got a standing residency. He'll be at every Funny Mom. He's just standing there in his loose-fitting coal shirt and his hand in his pocket So what are you guys, like faggots or something?

I was Brooklyn's a faggot now 50 years ago, if you tried to have gay sex in this town they'd beat you to death They'd bash your fucking head in They'd fucking throw a rock so quickly through your fucking head that it would turn into lava while it was cooking in your brain You'd have throw a rock so quickly through your fucking head that it would turn into lava while it was cooking in your brain.

Mm-hmm. You'd have fucking Dante's Peak coming out of the back of your head, popped open like a fucking zit. They'd tie your ankles to the back of a pickup truck, whip you around DeKalb Avenue. Oh, no. Your head's splitting open on the fire hydrant. It's always one of the worst kinds of hate crimes. You'd just hear the flashlight clicking. The mic's cut.

What, is that too hot for you, Nick? Oh, that's too much. Nick, we're your fans. We came to your taping. Yeah, we came to your taping. Oh, yeah, Black Lives Matter. No, we're huge fans of yours. We've been fans forever.

I watched his new special. Did he ever tell you which Black Lives Matter? You ever notice that? It's not the ones that each one, they're killing each other. Nobody cares about that. I guess those ones don't matter. I think he might have done that. Probably.

It's literally not hard to write that entire special. No, actually, I don't think he did that. It's fucking mostly points culled from, like, you know. Well, he's like, yeah, you know, like, Marcy something or other, you know. And it's just like, she's real hot, right? And it's just like a daytime Fox Business Channel anchor, you know. It's just like it's. So he just probably watches.

Like, Fox has shown his world. Yeah, yeah. Just Fox has taken over his life. anchor you know it's just like it's so he just probably watches like he just watches yeah yeah just fox has taken over his life very talented comedian my not yeah thankfully my parents are dumb immigrants so they don't really have uh political opinions other than you know we should probably help poor people like that yeah well my my parents are are dumb immigrants but they watch mada every night my dad yells at are dumb immigrants but they watch mad every night my dad yells at the television about how she was mad out people she was beautiful before she cut all her hair off and started dressing that way she was a beautiful blonde well yeah for the most part I mean he's like a Democrat

but yeah like a Maryland but well yeah I mean no cuz he was like saying like like I know he'd like the likes Jeb Bush, but he's very vague. I don't even think he voted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, he likes somebody that's, like, quiet. Right, right. Just someone who reminds him of himself. Yeah, yeah.

He likes Jeb Bush. He's like, I don't know. That guy seems, yeah, that guy seems like he wouldn't dominate me in conversation. He'd really listen. Yeah. Unlike everyone else in my life. Oh, fuck, dude dude My thighs are burning Me and Nick took up the Mont Royale

The Royal Mountain Yeah we had to wear condoms the whole time On our Yeah My dick was chafing Yeah you have to put your Here's a little get around getting chafed You put your dick in balls and condoms

Yeah And you walk around that you put a separate condom on the ball no condom on the balls well either way well it sounds like sov just owned himself no i bought bigger condoms oh you bought bigger condoms yeah that fit over over my well first of all my soft dick yes it's not as big as my hard dick so sure there's extra room oh he owned himself again your soft dick is not as hard as my hard dick. So sure, there's extra room in there. Oh, he owned himself again. Your soft dick is not as hard as your hard dick? So sure.

I don't know. But Nick, see, what you didn't understand was Nick was hard the whole time. So he needed a separate condom for his hard dick. Yeah, I can't get soft anymore. I can't get soft for sex. Shout out to the sponsors. I try to get my dick soft for sex. Oh, yeah, we're post-ad at this point. Yeah, we're noticks off for a second Oh yeah we're post ad

Yeah we're not doing ads for a while We're too hot for TV We got some I gotta say we had a pretty good run Honestly it was way too long of a run Especially with Bluetooth Which is actual medication We were owed a lot of money

That's true By German companies. That have offshore accounts. That I only made deals with because they expressed to me that they've been around since the 30s. Yes. Oh, fuck. But yeah, I'm loving Canada, boys. I don't know about you.

I really like Montreal. I thought I was going to hate all the French shit. Taking pictures of flowers and rowing in a boat on a lake. That was awesome. It is a really beautiful time of year in a beautiful city. Hey, we're kind of reminiscing about our birthday. Oh, you're dead. Yeah.

All right. Well, I was in Canada. You decided to bring your girlfriend and go do your own thing again. We went to a spa on a boat. All the boys bonded. Taking a hike. All the boys bonded. Yeah, taking a hike. You were kissing your girlfriend. You were kissing your girlfriend. We were pretending to be in boys bonded. Taking a hike. All the boys bonded. Yeah, taking a hike.

You were kissing your girlfriend. You were kissing your girlfriend. We were pretending to be in elementary school. First of all. We infiltrated a field trip. We were pretending to ask women to take our pictures and then ask if they could have sex with us. Yeah. Stuff like that.

First of all, I was not kissing. To the extent of actually asking some women to take our pictures. We did ask a couple women. After doing a bit where it would be funny if you did that as a pretext for trying to have sex with them. You could do that. And then a man asked us to take his picture. And then we were like, whoa, buddy.

And then we treated him as if he was trying to fuck us. Yeah, we threw him in the lake. We threw him in the lake. Well, I was not kissing today. You know the rules about PDA in my relationship that we're not allowed to kiss each other Only behind multiple closed doors It's bad for the career

We saw some We both want to create the illusion That you're single That we're available We saw some wild shervins Yeah Nick downloaded an app I got an app that lets you identify flowers Oh that's a good idea

He was taking pics like it's a Pokedex Yeah, I just went around collecting flowers I think when I get older, I want to know what all the birds are, too Oh, Nick was saying that Yeah, I'm already into it You said that earlier, too? Audubon society kind of stuff I would love to do that

I always thought bird watching would be cool I just have terrible vision and I don't want to buy binoculars You refuse to wear your glasses. I know. Oh, really? You don't have contacts in? No. No, he just takes his glasses.

You just squint? Yeah, I just haven't been wearing them. I haven't been able to see anything. He believes that the eyes have the ability to regenerate. That's a human eye. Never have I said that one. He thinks with his own mental powers. Yeah, I heard you say that, actually.

Nick said that. You were saying that if you just try hard enough, your eyes will fix themselves. It's all about belief. That's not what I said. The power of the mind. I'm not striving, so it doesn't matter if I can't read signs. No, I think you said... Furthermore, everything here is in French.

There's no reason to be... Yeah, you don't need to know the names. No, it's actually in English. Is that how bad your eyesight is? Everything in New York is in French. That's true. That is true. It is fucked up that shit here is in French.

Yeah. I don't like it. I like it, actually. Wow. You know me? Bitch, what's your German pal? I'm European. Bitch, what's your German pal?

Bitch, what's your German pal? That's another character you missed. Yeah, you missed out on that one. A black guy that doesn't understand. A black French German pal. Hey, damn, bitch. Let me get your German pal. What's your German pal, bitch?

Bitch, I'm trying to hear your German pal. Yep, that guy's good. We also got a Baltimore guy who it's his first time. He's like, excuse me, it's my first time in Canada. Where y'all got, where y'all keep your penis band-aids? I've never been on vacation before.

My dad's in family jail. I can't call him. I can't call him for help. My cock and my dick is red hot right now. My dad owes $37 million in family jail. I can't call him. I can't call him for help. My cock and my dick is red hot right now. My dad owes $37 million in child support. For me, a grown 40-year-old man also. My dad, who's 49, I'm 40 years old. My dad is seven years older than me. He owes $38 million in child support.

I ain't never been to Canada before, and I need penis band-aids. No, you're taking me to the regular band-aid aisle. It's a regular. I want the ones. I need the ones for your penis special. The ones that are special for your penis. I got my penis caught in my zipper because I did not realize the pants were French. Yeah, dude.

That's the kind of stuff you miss out on When you're just having Personal time, man Listen We're gonna be We're infiltrating a field trip We're gonna be together That's right Pretending to be elementary school kids

For a school for mostly Indian and Chinese students That's also pretty good That's probably a magnet school Yeah, probably Now that I think about it Well, that's the other thing that is That was cool about Toronto How like

Straight up multicultural that shit was It felt like What would happen in multicultural that shit was it felt like what would happen in like Detroit or Baltimore it felt like the Sims I don't know I feel like people

were being too nice in Toronto I'm too hardened by the New York streets yeah everyone was complimenting us you were right yeah people were like

you guys are beautiful except for this one gentleman in Toronto may he remain unnamed also I never learned his name I'm sure it's some Chinese type of name, though. Oh, that guy.

I think you said the guy on the street said, you guys are pussies, which no one heard but you and then me and Snow. No, he didn't say you guys are pussies. No, he said there's a drunk guy on the street. That guy called us pussies and then we told him to fuck off and then while you walked away and then we said, did he really say that? And you're like, I donussies. No, I didn't say that. And then we told him to fuck off while you walked away.

And then we said, did he really say that? And you're like, I don't know. No, that is not what he said. Okay, break it down. What happened? It was a drunk guy, and he turned to us, and he said, you guys cross the street? And then everyone was like, no.

And then he turned away. And as he turned away, he said, because you guys are a bunch of fucking pussies, you probably shouldn't have crossed the street. And then I walked back to you guys. I was like, he called us pussies. And then we were like, what the fuck did you say? Yeah. And we told him to fuck off while you walked away. No, that's not true.

While you cowered. It is funny how quickly he folded. No. I was like, you're being a fucking asshole, dude. He was like, sorry. I'm so sorry. He's like, yeah, sorry, you're being a fucking asshole, dude. He was like, sorry. I'm so sorry. He was like, yeah, sorry, dude. I'm fucking drunk, dude.

That guy was chill, actually. That guy was chill. But yes. I didn't run away. The Chinese guy. No, you ran away. No, I was. You were running.

I was trying. No, I wanted to distract the police officer and not get his attention. You were in a separate Uber home. You were in an Uber home. You were already calling an ambulance. I was taking it. Well, you know how I like to call ambulances. It's one of those Jewish ambulances in Brooklyn.

They just have therapists in them. There's a fucking chaise lounge. I got into an argument with my mother earlier today. Okay, we're going to have to take you to the hospital soon. It's just a place to hide out when you see black teens coming if you're jewish i don't want to be made fun of quick hop in the jewish ambulance yeah that's what adam did

so adam called one of those from brooklyn i called i called one of those brooklyn jewish ambulances no and but anyway i feel like that the one gentleman i saw one they had They had it in Brooklyn the other day, the Asian American Ambulance. I'm like, that sounds like a bad idea. Yeah, absolutely. You know, as long as that's not Suge's driving the thing. You know what I'm saying? Nick DiPaolo, here all week. Woo!

Woo, woo, woo! You know what I'd love to see is one of those Asian American ambulances showing up to the Black Lives Matter protest. Driving through all of them. We'll make Charlottesville look like a fender bender. Wow. That way they all take out each other. You know what I'm saying?

And no one's going to call that terrorism, right? If it's an Asian guy. Everybody will say, hey, that's great. That's multicultural. They're going to say, we need more Asian American ambulances. He's actually driving well, and those people shouldn't have gotten in his way while they were walking the sidewalk minding their own business. No. Who does Nick DiPaolo vote for, even?

The Mucinex guy? Yeah. What are his politics? I bet you he really loves Trump. Yeah. Probably. He said it in his special. Yeah.

Yeah. He loves him. And he loves daytime. Because. He said it in his special. Yeah. Yeah, he loves him. And he loves daytime Fox business news. Yeah, yeah. I just want someone that'll shake the whole shit up. I want somebody that'll have sex with the system. Someone that'll fuck. No, but we were...

The story Adam keeps trying to tell. Thank you, Stavros. Maybe if you tell it... Is that we, after our show, which, by the way, thank you to everyone who came to the fucking Winter Garden. I'm not trying to tell. Thank you, Stavros. Maybe if you tell it. Is that we, after our show, which, by the way, thank you to everyone who came to the fucking Winter Garden. I'm not trying to cut you off.

It's just we go through the story, work through, you take a little bit out here, you riff on it, and then you go back to the story. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

That's how it works. Don't take it personal. No, it doesn't. I'm not taking it personal. No, it works well. You made us pick a fight with that guy. Stop taking it personal. I didn't make you pick a fight with that guy.

That guy did call his pussy. No one heard it but you. I told you not even that we wanted to fight him. I was like, that was really funny what that guy said. As alphas, as two thoroughbred alpha males, what are we supposed to do? I wasn't trying to fight the guy. I was like, look at this debilitated drunk guy. That was very funny what he just said to us.

And I wanted to share it with you. I didn't want to start a fight or anything like that. You know what? That is a perfect example of kind of a microcosm of what our dynamic is to oh yeah the parentheses boys yeah we're just trying to make you laugh we're not trying to you're not trying to incite race wars yeah you got two young bulls here you know we're heated because i got into a fight with that chinese guy just got into a fight with a chinese man at a restaurant we're ready we're amped we're gonna fuck that drunk guy up we, Nick had just gone to a fight with a Chinese man at a restaurant. We're ready.

We're amped. We're gonna fuck that drunk guy up. We're gonna call him a bitch. I don't care how full of duck I am. I did not turn away from that Chinese, that old Chinese man at the restaurant. Okay.

I did call him a Nazi and I did tell him that he should call the police. Because that is a customer service situation. Where you were protected by the rules. No, that is not true.

That is not true. That is not a dispute on the street. No, he told us that he was going to levy independent fines against us. Because now it's not making sense.

Let's do the story. We have a great show. Thank you to everyone who came out to the Winter Garden. It was fucking wild. Honestly, probably one of the best

shows of my life. The best, the most beautiful theater the three of us will probably ever be. The opera was there the week before us. I love being on the road. It's awesome. I've had a lot of fun. I love not writing any material, phoning in the stand-up sets.

That's right. No, you did. I like that David Cronenberg, Jordan Peele. Not writing any material, phoning in the stand-up sets. Yeah, that was good. Phoning in the live show. Phoning in the podcast. Yeah.

Taking a hike Yeah The best part is hanging out Dude I love it I pulled There was a A big ant in my hair earlier And it was like

This is great I love it I love being I want to be covered in bugs I wash I wash my face You're kind of losing me now Honestly you're losing me

I don't know about this Bugs in the hair Anyway So we're like great We work up an appetite. We're going to Toronto's famed Chinatown for a nice fucking meal. One of the most famous Chinatowns there is. And we go, we show up.

And the way I guess Toronto does shit, maybe it's just Asian restaurants. It's just that Chinese restaurant. No, no, we went to a Pho restaurant. No, at the Pho place it was like that too. So maybe it's the Asian restaurants in Toronto. What Pho restaurant? Did I go? No, you were at the airport.

Nick missed the flight from JFK. This is just a catch-up. Anyway, so we're sitting down. I didn't miss the flight. They wouldn't let me on. They wouldn't let him on because he didn't have an adequate passport. Well, I went home and got my passport, came back, made the flight, and they still wouldn't let me on.

That is true. Anyway, we're sitting down. They give you a little piece of paper to write down what you want. Nick immediately starts writing down Chinese. Chinese calligraphy. He was copying the Chinese calligraphy. Because you write down what you want, and that's how they write on the menu. But there's also a number.

There's numbers. There's numbers. You're very clearly supposed to order by number. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Nick's writing down Chinese calligraphy. I want to make it easier for them and then you mess me up.

How do you know if it's the right symbol? There could be a list. Don't engage with him. I literally do know that that is the way to write. First of all, I was doing a good job

copying it. Also, also, the characters themselves only have like certain strokes. Anyway, you dumb bitch. It was too big anyway, motherfucker. Nick took out a giant paintbrush.

He started painting the Chinese calligraphy. You were writing in like... Anyway, Nick takes up half the fucking paper writing one order of something. Beef with broccoli. He did the calligraphy for it. We're like, no, you dumb bitch. We have to order over here. What are you doing?

All right, fuck it. We're getting a new paper. Let's just get a new paper Well you kind of bullied me into it And then I was writing fake Chinese after that Well no you wrote over the whole thing with one item No it was Most of it was It doesn't matter

We all decided There's been more room It wasn't Nick's fault We were just doing We all decided You were being funny Well initially I was just writing down beef with bottling Fine

And everyone said that's not how you're supposed to do it you write down the number and then i copied the chinese doing it and then i then i did fake chinese great fine nick that's fine you haven't fucking been an asshole to you fine you wrong me but this was a group we were hooked okay anyway're like, okay, this is fucking retarded. We're not, we can't order food on this thing. We'll just ask the guy for a new one. Nick balls it up, puts it fucking whatever next to him. Throws it on the floor.

Throws it on the ground. It's right anyway. And so I think it's a chair next to him. So we get, we wave the waiter down. We're like, hey man, can we get another one of those? We, you know, we wrote on it, whatever. We don't even say anything. Can we just grab another one?

And he's like, we want to order. And we're all hungry. We're excited to eat. He's like, where we get another one of those? We wrote on it, whatever. We didn't even say anything. Can we just grab another one? He's like, we want to order. And we're all hungry. We're excited to eat. He's like, where's the other one? And we're like, we just threw it away, man. We wrote on it. And just to interject, because I'm not telling the story, and now I could be an interject voice,

I really admire the fact that you are not doing the accent. I think it's very respectful of you. Thank you. It didn't sound like this. No, let me just say the voice is exactly what you're thinking it is. But I'm not doing it. He didn't sound like Sov speaking in a respectful American accent. But a little theater of the mind.

Allow yourself to do the racist Chinese accent. So he's like, where's the other one? We're like, we don't know. Can we have another one? He's like, no. Where's the other one? We're like, we don't know. Can we have another one? He's like, no. Where's the other one? And Nick jumps quick. He got shook.

It's visible, by the way. I could have seen it. I don't know if the Chinese guy saw it. He didn't see it. It was next to Nick on the chair. Nick said he went outside and smoked a cigarette. So the guy's drilling Nick now. Instead of just giving him the thing.

Well, Adam simultaneously. He's in too deep. He's like, no, he already drew on it. He has it. He drew on it already. Which is fine, though. We didn't have to lie to him. We didn't do anything wrong.

We didn't do anything wrong. Obviously, the guy is like, wants this piece of paper. I'm not giving it to him. Okay, fair. Okay, we did have to lie. Right there. We could have just said. That's the issue.

We could have just given it to him. Just lied to him. There's no reason to hold it. We literally could have. We had it. We had it right there. And him. There's no reason to hold it. We literally could have. We had it. We had it right there. And listen, once you decided, I saw what was happening. Yeah.

You were not giving it to him. I was on your side. We were backing you up. We were backing you up. 100%. We're not going to side with a Chinese guy. I'm sure. But having said that.

With an incredibly rude one. And he was very rude. Having said that, it would have been very easy to hand him the balled up piece of paper. Okay. But we think that's fine. Well, of paper. Okay. But we didn't. That's fine. Well, okay. All right.

Fine. This is a fundamental. You didn't want him to win. I get that. Anyway, Nick's locked in. He's like, I threw it away. I went and smoked a cigarette. I fucking threw it away.

Yeah. And he's, whatever. It's a fucking argument. It doesn't need to happen. But we're locked in now. Now this Chinese guy is so rude that even though we don't agree. We just said, give us another fucking piece of paper. You're telling me this has never happened before.

And he's like, no. No, it's never happened. He's like, $100 fine. It's going to be a $100 fine. $100 fine. If you don't. We're like, how? By who?

Who's giving us the fine? Levied by who? The police? So Adam calls him a Nazi. And then I'm like, all right, well well we're not fucking eating here man that's not happening he's like no he told me to go outside and find it and i'm like all right and i left so he grabs it from the chair next to him very well good sleight of hand i didn't see it at all david blaine s any and we're like all right motherfucker we're not fucking and we're making

a scene at this restaurant i mean we're shouting it's like 11 at night and we're like are you fucking kidding me we're you're not gonna let us eat here we're shouting. It's like 11 at night. And we're like, are you fucking kidding me? You're not going to let us eat here. We are going to. He's like, no. We're like, oh, well, fuck you. We're not eating here. Shouting at this man. He's shouting Chinese-ally at us loud as fuck.

And we just leave. And. Does it work? There we go. Okay. Anyway. Anyways. Damn. Now I want go. Okay. Anyway. Damn, now I want Chinese.

Mm-hmm. I wonder if they got good Chinese in Montreal. Should I get poutine? We had it the first night. I don't think it's that good. I'm not a gravy guy. I will say this. This is a controversial take. Damn.

I'm not a gravy guy. I'm a sauce guy generally. I like aiolis. You like a red sauce? I do like a red sauce. I'm a sauce guy generally. I like aiolis. You like a red sauce? I do like a red sauce. I like anything you can dip shit in. But my problem with fucking gravy, it's oversaturated. You know what it is? It's the one sauce that you just

ladle on indiscriminately. Have it on the fucking side. I don't want my shit getting mushy. I love a crisp fry. Let me decide when the fuck I'm saturating my shit getting mushy I love a crisp fry Let me decide When the fuck I'm I'm saturating my fries Don't come

Come with the shit Thank you I'm the captain of this fucking ship Of this chip ship Damn Anyway Anyway I don't know

Did I finish this coffee? Do you have more? I'm just gonna steal Adam's coffee Well there you go Steal my coffee. Yeah, maybe I'll go fucking sit at the bar at the restaurant that Adam's eating at. Well, if you want to wait for me to go to the gym, then afterwards we can go get our own special dinner. Some buff?

Some buff. Some pussy buff? Yeah, I do need to eat some pussy buff. Some pussy buff? Yeah. I'll wait for you. At the strip clubs here, you're allowed to eat the stripper's. Protein. Some pussy boof. I'll wait for you. At the strip clubs here, you're allowed to eat

the stripper's pussy. Yes. Yes. It's one of the few things you're allowed to do. They're fully clothed. They're wearing a leotard with their pussy cut out.

And you're allowed to get five licks per moony. Yeah. Instead of topless, they're bottomless. Yeah. The reotard. How bottomless Yeah The reotard The reotard

The retarded person's skin You wear that to wrestling practice And people are like, what the fuck You're like, oh, I misunderstood I killed and skinned The mentally retarded person Okay, took a left turn It's very creative

A reotard could also be um the lr chinese thing but they misunderstand it and then they just have a an olympic weightlifting team populated by reotards interesting wearing leotards wouldn't it just be the article of clothing why would it be retarded people? I don't know. It didn't really make sense. It felt sort of like a childlike logic there.

Dream logic. Yeah, dream logic. Yeah. Suck my dick. Suck on my nose. Damn, what a nice afternoon. I know, brother. It's a really nice...

We've been planning a fishing trip. Where? Back to New York. I don't know. Where should we go? I want to go to Alaska. No've been planning a fishing trip. Where? Back to New York. I don't know. Where should we go? We're gonna figure it out. I wanna go to Alaska. No. Go on a salmon ride. Come on.

Come on, man. Something for the weekend. My dad. Alaska. I wanna go to Alaska to become a salmon. Oh, you wanna go on the weekend? We're talking about driving to like Finger Lakes region. Yeah, dude. Maybe find some little fucking... I went fishing last summer in Cape Cod. it was really nice

get a Airbnb up in the Finger Lakes and fucking go Finger Lakes that would be nice Finger Fuck go to Ithaca or something or yeah we could probably find

some weird little just drive down Long Island we could probably find some weird little fucking theater in Ithaca and just do something like probably just finance

just completely phone it in finance the weekend yeah just start doing community theater like a touring community theater. That'd be nice. We were thinking about writing our Shakespearean play. You missed a lot, man.

You missed so much. It was a business trip. It was. Did you write off all the ideas? Of course. I mean, I write off things anyways. Of course. Everything gets written off.

What was it? Who are our main Shakespearean characters? I go to a clothing store and I buy sandals and I write it off because I'm using them to make fun of Indians. You're wearing them. Every time he does the voice, he puts them on.

No, what were the characters' names? I don't know. Dick Sacrio and Pussy Clittius. Dick Sacrio. Yeah, you know how it goes. You know what hanging out sounds like. I know the vibe. I've been there. Listen, we got how it goes. You know what hanging out sounds like. I know the vibe. I've been there.

Listen, we got three more cities. No GFs. Running up a hill to ask a woman to take your picture. Excuse me. Can you take my picture? Just four minutes out of your way. Sprinting. The exact opposite direction.

Could you take my picture? We're throwing a picture together. We you take my friend's picture with me? We're taking a picture together. We need you to take our picture. What do you do after the picture? Have you been to a restaurant? You ever been to a restaurant? You ever go to a place to get a drink? Oh, you have?

Nice. What's your germapel? What's your germapel? What's your germapel? Oh, you're from French Canada? That's cool. How old are you? Oh, six, six, six.

So you're still in high school? That's crazy. I'm on a class trip. I'm here. I'm in an elementary school, actually. My elementary school here is doing breast cancer research. We're crowdfunding breast cancer, and we wanted to actually see your breasts. That makes sense.

Yeah. Trying to trick a high schooler. Hey, why are you talking to my daughter? Sir, I'm a Navy SEAL, a captain in the Air Force, and I do not have time for this line of questioning. Good day. I'm here. I have diplomatic immunity. I have diplomatic immunity. I have diplomatic immunity.

I can have as much sex with underage girls. Classified information. And I'm also an elementary school student. I will be using my diplomatic immunity. If you have a problem with it, you can take it up with the principal. Or my commanding officer. Those are your two options. I am just following orders From my elementary school

Yeah we also saw An elementary school Wearing pink shirts Yeah That's where that comes from Even the boys too Huh The boys and the girls

Damn that's funny dude You should have roasted those guys We did Fucking losers We're like nice pink What are you a fucking girl You fucking piece of shit And they started crying

And then we went to the teacher We were like What's up you ever have a drink You ever go to Do you ever have a drink Do you ever have a condom Put into your vagina Do you ever get

Have you ever felt a condom in your pussy What about when the guy's Oh excuse me Have you ever felt a condom in your pussy? What about when the guy's doing a condom? Excuse me. No, I'm also in your class. I'm in the class. I'm one of your students. Come on, bitch. You remember me from school.

But it's because it's summer. I've had a growth spurt. And I'm ready to have sex. And I need you to... Remember when you taught health class? No, you did i you might not remember it but it was one of the days we did health and you said that you promised us we could have sex with you if we hit puberty during the class and here i am most of the kids are seven so that wasn't a big deal for them but you made that promise but yeah i'm like a quarter dominican so

yeah i'm off to the world the little league world series tomorrow i went into the bathroom Yeah, I'm like a quarter Dominican. I'm off to the Little League World Series tomorrow. I went into the bathroom after you used it and I smelled the seat and I can tell that you're ovulating. So if you want, I will get you pregnant because my sperm is fresh as I'm 10. As a child, fresh sperm. Who knows how to make a baby better than a baby himself? Ma'am? Ma'am. Ma'am, please.

I'm in the Air Force. Ma'am, please have sex with my son. I come in. We're really worried about his grades. He keeps saying if he gets some pussy, he'll start studying. Ma'am, I don't know how to read. And the only reason is because I can't stop thinking about having sex. It's the only way you can learn.

Now, ma'am, please have sex with my son. But listen, as his father, I should make sure your pussy is up to snuff. Can you have sex with my dad first? Because I'm scared. I want him to watch me have sex with you. I want to see my dad fucking first. So that I know how to do it. The classic short con.

You see that? It's a trick. It's a simple trick, you see? She's waiting for it. She's waiting for you to come and trick her. Suck my penis and fuck my ass and let me fuck on your dick because I'm gay. You put the big bill on the outside. And then you put your dick in the middle of the road.

And you say, listen, sweetheart. I got $600 here and I need you to hold it in your pussy. While the cop asks me a couple of questions. I was raped. And that's how you get away with it, Max. That's the sting. Yeah, that's what they call the sting. It's just fucking Paul Newman.

I don't know about this cut. Pulling off a mask and he's like, she thought I was her husband. I don't know about this cut. Pulling off a mask and he's like, she thought I was her husband. Hooper, I don't know if you can get away with raping all these women. All we need is one big last score. All right, boys, we're going to need a couple reshoots on this picture. We can get one big last score. Listen, there's a billionaire across town.

She's fat as hell and if you fuck her, you get all her money. She's got rubies in her pussy. She's got rubies in her pussy. We need to get a man on the inside. Ah, fuck. Yeah. I got a hot shit-erino in the chamber, man. Yeah, I need to drink a bunch of water. Yeah. I got a hot shit-erino in the chamber, man. Yeah, I need to drink a bunch of water.

Yeah, I feel pretty dehydrated. I have something you can suckle on for moisture. It won't hydrate me. You don't know what it is? It won't be that hydrating. Do you know what it is? You're going to say your penis. That's not necessarily true.

Well, what were you going to say? I don't want to say now. Because you're being rude rude Just say it then Well you're being kinda fucking rude Just tell me what you would've said My A bottle of water Well can I please have a sip of that?

Cause you thought I was gonna say my penis Why? Suck my dick in two pieces I'm fucking gay as shit Hell yeah I can show you my dick. A whole new dick.

I cut off my dick and grew a new one. I grew a new dick for you. A brand new dick. This one doesn't have any diseases. A whole new dick for you to suck. Just getting fucking SRS because you think it cures HIV. What's SRS?

Sexual reassignment. Sexual reassignment. Oh. You're like, only gay guys get HIV. If I'm a girl. I'm a lady. Damn. The doctor's like, sure, that's how it works

You got the cash, right? You got the $300 $300 is just like women's multivitamins that they give you Here's the long con You have a diseased dick You get gender reassignment to a pussy You get that pussy reassigned back to the new dick It's like laundering money you have a diseased dick, you get gender reassignment to a pussy, you get that pussy reassigned back to the new dick.

It's like laundering money. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. That's smart play. And after $45,000 spent on plastic surgeries. What if that did cure AIDS? If you had AIDS, would you become a lady to not have AIDS anymore

well I was thinking of actually setting up it's sort of a pyramid scheme sort of a Ponzi scheme I'm listening you set up an SRS place where

you sign people up for the surgeries right but it's an installment plan okay so they but you do guys

and girls right so you just I know where you're going yep so you keep the dicks on file after you cut them off. On ice. On ice. Yep.

And then when the girls come in with the dicks, you sew them on, but you've already collected the money from the other guy. And then you just live off the float. Beautiful. You use the float. You skim. Yeah, you use the float to invest in other shady businesses. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. You know. I love this. Yeah. And here's the thing. Here's what you're not even thinking about. It's the free market. I love this. Yeah. And here's the thing. Here's what you're not even thinking about. It's the free market. It's capitalism.

Yeah. They bid on the nicest cops. They bid on the nicest ones. Right. So better make it extra money. Thicker, longer. You're selling garbage to people. You're taking one man's trash.

That's right. And selling it to somebody who can't afford some treasure. Yeah. You could cut their clits off too. Probably. Just Gordon Gekko's speech. Ladies and gentlemen, greed.

I love it, dude. That's just a good business. I'm racist actor Michael Douglas. I'm racist and I'm Michael Douglas. We have to talk about the Chinese. They're always sneaking up on me. Is anyone tired of the way the Chinese sneak up on you? While you're getting fucked?

While you're eating pussy? While someone's... The one thing I fear most about going to prison is someone making love to my ass. Oh, man. I'm simply not prepared for it. I'm white-collar criminal Michael Douglas. There's one thing I fear. It's going to prison

and having my ass made love to it. A fellow white-collar criminal gently caressing my ass. Is a brutish, violent criminal making love to my anus. Comes into my cell and says, do you want to make love? Not today, please. But it doesn't matter. I'm tired. I'm tired.

I had a bad day here in prison. Oh, man. We watched that fucking. We watched the first episode of the Black Mirror show where it's literally two black guys having gay sex through Street Fighter. What? It was incredible, dude. That's one of the.

I thought I saw Nick did a tweet about i thought it was a joke me too it was the stupidest thing i've ever i mean it was incredible that in the stave and i also in toronto did watch the gabriel fluffy glacius reality that was awesome stuff which was mind-boggling yeah they were doing wrestling matches. Fluffy and his crew have a reality show. Which are basically five adult men who have decided that they were going to be completely supported by... Dude, I wish if I was making Fluffy money, you better believe I would travel everywhere with Eldis and my brothers. But your Fluffy crew is way better. Yeah, for sure.

His crew is just some random collection of one guy that's a little crew is like way better yeah for sure his crew is just some random collection of like one guy that's like a little bit fatter yeah you know and then a guy that's like here an old man with a handlebar mustache that everyone says is like crazy yeah yeah it's just incredibly whack crew i know and then they're just over laughing at every one of fucking fluffy's jokes you can tell you can tell. Like fucking Sil and everyone laughing at fucking Tony's jokes. Ah, fuck. But yeah, man, that shit was awesome. The Black Mirror

shit was so good. Yeah, I watched maybe five minutes of it earlier and then I didn't finish it. The Black Mirror thing? I went through it last night and it's just like there's no point to it. No, no. It's like, what conclusion are you supposed to draw from that? Because it's not even like, they're not even gay. They're only gay.

One of the guys is a woman in the game. Yeah. And he gets fucked in his pussy, but he doesn't have a pussy. So does anything happen, or is it just... Well, they keep fucking, and one of the guys is married. And then his wife finds out? Well, she doesn't find out, but he admits it because they meet up. They're like, we got to figure this out once and for all.

So they meet up in an alley to kiss. Yeah. They're like, we got to see. Are we actually gay? Are we just gay on PlayStation? And then they kiss and they're like, well. It really feels like a Key and Peele sketch about Black Mirror. That's crazy.

Yes. I would love to watch the Key and Peele sketch about Black Mirror. That's crazy. Yes. I would love to watch the Key and Peele sketch. You know, if those drag queens and street hustlers at Stonewall would have seen that on television, they would have cried. They would have said, we finally made it. Well, then they fist fight because the guy is the woman who gets fucked and is single. He's like, come on, man. I need it. Nothing feels as good he

gives a speech about how he tried to fuck other guys online and none of them fuck him as good as him do they feel like they're fucking so the guy's trans and in play on playstation yeah they feel like they're fucking it's like vr oh okay so they give the guy gives a speech he's like no i have a wife yeah so presumably he's sitting there on the couch just nutting in his pants yeah they never explained his son is like playing with his his son is just around there and when you go you just go completely limp when you do it so it's just like a guy like this it's like real fucking wow yeah that's the way nick that's how it is um i just sit there while she's like come on yeah you're like suck it yeah just you do

everything come on i'm thinking about playstation that's insane yeah it's like, just you do everything. Come on. I'm thinking about PlayStation. That's insane. Yeah, it's like real sex. You sit there with the controller in your hand and try to look around her and continue playing Red Dead Redemption. Anyway, so they fight. They start fist fighting, and then the cops pull up,

and it would have been hilarious. And then they both got police brutality. They both got brutality. No, but it was a black-on-black crime. Yes. So, so that it was... Do those lives matter, Nick DePaulo? Do those lives matter?

And that's the question. And that's the question. Should we show Black Mirror? We should call it Black Faggots. I don't know if this is just the first episode of this show, but I... I mean, look, I already thought video games were a fucking bad idea. But, hey, listen. Anyway, thanks for coming to my special. Anyway, so it ends, he explains it to his wife, presumably, I don't know, we kind of weren't paying attention.

But it ends with, once a a month they have gay PlayStation sex. And his wife goes out and gets piped by a real guy. Oh, so they have an arrangement. Yeah, they get it. So his mistress, and by the way, they're best friends from college or whatever. Oh, they're old friends. So it's like his boy. It's like you meeting up with Ari once a month to have gay PlayStation sex.

Well, we do that. It's called Stardew Valley. You Once a month To have gay PlayStation sex Well we do that It's called Stardew Valley You have sex In Stardew Valley No I mean We just have a Loving gay

Sexless relationship We go to a farm Yeah Stardew Valley Is Adam's ass Cracking anus After Ari nuts on it No You know that I would be

The bull top I love the way Your Stardew Valley looks No Ari would Ari would definitely Top you Ari would be the wife. Everyone knows that.

No, he's so loving and patient. Yeah, but he would still top you. He would still top you. He's more masculine. You're clearly a bottom. You're just a bottom in almost every matchup. I'm taller than him. It doesn't matter.

It makes it funnier. Yeah. You would be his, like, fucking, like, sort of femme fatale. Exactly. He'd be wearing high heels. Yeah. Lipstick. He would be wearing high heels. Yeah. Lipstick. He would be in love with you, but you would be his manic pixie that he would just savagely fuck.

Yeah. They would just rail you out. You would be a bitch all day and he would take it out on your ass. He would take it out on you at night. Okay. So I'd be topping from the bottom. Is that what you're saying? No.

No. That would be a top. Socially you'd be topping. That would count as a top from the bottom. He'd kick himself because you would just- I think it counts as a top from the bottom, which is the most powerful be a top. That would count as a top from the bottom. He'd kick himself because, you know, like you would just... I think it counts as a top from the bottom, which is the most powerful kind of top. No, it isn't. Everyone knows that.

If you read the trades, you find out. The gay sex trades? I just read the trades. Yeah. Yeah. Inside insider? Inside Adam's asshole. Instead of inside Amy Schumer. Okay. Inside Adam Inside Adam's asshole. Instead of Inside Amy Schumer.

Okay. Inside Adam Friedland's asshole. Oh, fuck me, fucking pussy. Oh, man. There's a lot of... I want to go back to Japan just for more riffing. We should go to other countries just to make fun of shit. No, I don't want to go to Japan.

Yeah, not Japan again, but we should go to Africa. No to make fun of shit No I don't want to go to Japan Yeah not Japan again But you know We should go to Africa No No Yeah we could We could We can go stay with my grandmother

No let's not do that Let's go to Nigeria I'm not I cannot go to Nigeria With you man Why? To go to Lagos Yeah

Everywhere I do want to go to a big ass city What's the biggest city in Africa? I mean there's probably like Maybe Cairo Okay Or Lagos What's the capital in Nigeria?

Pretty big I want to go there I want to go to Cairo Cairo's huge I want to go to I love big cities baby I want to go to Morocco But Cairo's like anarchy

You know it's like crazy Sounds racist to me man You know What do you mean racist? You think it's anarchy? I think's like anarchy It's like crazy Sounds racist to me man What do you mean racist? You think it's anarchy? I think anarchy is cool dude Yes I do Are you an anarcho-punk? I'm an anarcho-primitivist

I love that dude That's so cool What is that? I'm into living off the fat of the land Off the grid So a marauder A marauder Are you a marauder?

I'm a midnight marauder Yeah we could go What's another big city? We can go to Mexico City I want to go there for sure Dude I went there I went there two years ago I don't want to go anymore

I don't think that's a cool place to go at all. Yeah, I don't want to go there anymore. Me and Stav are going to Veracruz. Sao Paulo? No. That's big. Rio? No.

We should go to Buenos Aires. Where's that? Argentina. Argentina. Yeah? Get some of that Nazi pussy? Yes. Dude, and it's primo.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. You could do that in Brazil, too. Nah, I want the good shit Yeah The most racist pussy in the world It's double racist in Argentina Well they got away with it They only

You come in them And they only produce twins There was a town The good doctor's dream There was a town In Brazil I was watching like Some like history channel

Like fake TV show Yeah I think you said this before Yeah where it was like They had more twins Than anywhere else in the world. And that's where What's the Space went? And they think that that's where Mengele went. But it doesn't sound true. Well, Pride is ending.

What's the next month? So Pride is June. Retard month? Retard month is July. Nobody tells him It's just a week No it's retard month Puerto Rican

Oh wow It's retard month again Do Puerto Ricans Get a whole month The flag is just a bib Yep There you go Yep

Why are you Rolling your eyes at that I'm not rolling my eyes Or you know Whatever that expression is He wasn't rolling I'm feeling like That's too much.

No, it's not too much. Let them have it. They deserve it. I know. Target just has like a whole Velcro section. A Velcro? A whole fucking Velcro. I was born this way.

It's like, yeah, I know. It's not a choice. We all know. I would choose it. It's not a choice We all know I would choose it It's not a choice Just eat fucking candy I'm scoring this one Yeah I don't think anyone thought it was a choice You can't choose

Yeah there are a lot of fakers out there There are Trying to pretend A lot of people I think are Are saying they're autistic now. That feels like it's a wave. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. For sure. Well, I mean, you know, there probably are more autistic people now because of the internet. It's a spectrum, though, right? Does the internet make you autistic? No, just more and more people are socialized solely through text. It's like, obviously, they're not going to develop, like... You just mean people with bad social skills.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. obviously they're not going to develop like... You just mean people with bad social skills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think that that's... I think it's probably not true. Yeah. If I had to guess. I don't think they're autistic, but I think they have bad social skills.

Yeah, but that's not autism. No. Yeah, that's what we just said, bitch. I mean, like, if you have real... Like, if you're on the far end of the spectrum You can't fucking talk. Yeah That's true. Yeah, you want to brag about other stuff, you know, I don't know that I just That was great when we saw that statue of Simon Bolivar and you couldn't help yourself

No, I did. I didn't say who it was. I asked and you were frothing at the moment. No, he could not wait. I was like, who is that? Adam, it literally was 30 seconds and you just said it. You whispered it to me so Nick wouldn't hear. Yeah, that's your shave and haircut. It was the Latin Revolution. Simon Bolivar.

I believe he has named after him. Oh, yeah. Balsockvia. That's where I want to go. Balsockvia. Get my nuts sucked in Balsockvia. Suck on my penis. Suck my dick.

I'm gay. Shave and a haircut. Is that in Back to the Future? No it's Who Framed Roger Rabbit That's right That's Roger can't resist

That's right That's right So like They're in that hideout In the fucking bar And he's like watching You know Dr. Doom

Whatever Judge Doom Or whatever that guy's name is You know Dr. Brown There's only one thing A toon can't. You know, he's like, there's only one thing that Doom can't resist. You know, and he's going around doing like shaving a haircut on the wall. And then fucking Roger Burton.

Salute to Roger, dude. You can't help but do bits. Two bits. Roger's truly one of us, dude. Dude, I tell you. And he gets fine pussy. Roger Rabbit is my personal jesus christ in a way that's a good guy to be yeah getting just busty ass the hottest girl ever

unbelievable yeah the hottest girl ever oh man the way i might beat off that cartoon later tonight man i have roger he makes me laugh there was a porn star A real life porn star Named Jessica Rabbit Yeah but But she just had red hair She had red hair and big titties She did not look nearly as good There was

There have been plenty of like You can find some cosplay But none of them really scratch the itch Wait you wanna see the Rabbit man I wanna see Roger Rabbit fucker I wanna see his little rabbit penis You wanna see a rabbit man

Like fuck like like like bunnies yeah exactly yeah it's bus quick she's on all fours can you imagine he's really I I told you guys I saw two bears having sex at the zoo a couple weeks ago one of the most tremendous things I've ever seen yeah what's his name um it was Tim D Yeah Another fat guy Not me Stop Fuck It was you and

Fuck Fuck You should have Really walked right into that one You did dude You shouldn't have said not me I fucked the money up Fuck

I can feel this shit Stretching my whole Yeah we I think No No you don't You don't think that I think you're gonna have a great shit after this show.

Yeah, I gotta figure out what I'm doing for dinner. You can eat my cheeks. What are you thinking? Well, he's going to this beef place now. It's got me thinking steak. Yeah, but we gotta find our own place because he only made a reservation a week ago for him and his girlfriend.

I know. No, I called to see if we can get four. They said no. But they put me on a waiting list and they said... I said, can you put me for two or for four? Oh, yeah. Interesting. Two or four.

I'm going to call them. Hi, my name is Adam Friedland. No. Did I ever say two or four? Yeah. Or did I just say two? Actually, call them up. My name is Mr. Friedland.

Hi, it's me, Adam. No, that's not what I sound like. Everyone knows that's not what I sound like. Hi, my name is... Oh, Adam. Hi, it's me, Adam. No, that's not what I sound like. Everyone knows that's not what I sound like. Hi, my name is... Oh, Adam. Oh, yes. Hey, it's a gay man who called last week who said

can I have table for two? And we said we have a table for four. And he says, no, it must only be two. He said, well, we only have reservations available for four people. The two seats of tables are booked two. He said, well, we only have reservations available for four people. The two-seater tables are all booked. And he said, no, there has to be a way where there is only a table left for two people. Remember him, the gay man from last week?

He was so gay that even us in Montreal seemed gayer than the gay guys here. The people who left France to have even more gay sex. To be even gayer. To have even more gay sex. And boost into each other's ass. Sexual, gay sexual. I cannot wait to get fucked by a man. You can call the restaurant.

Anyways, yes, it's you. How am I out of here? Oh, nothing, y'all. You explained yet. Anyway. I can't wait to go to Boost Palouse. Boost Palouse. It's a place where you can bust.

Guys, if you're around on Friday night, we're in Ottawa. Please come. Buy tickets to our Canadian shows on Friday night, we're in Ottawa. Please come. Buy tickets to our Canadian shows. We're doing two plugs this episode. Two plugs. We need to sell them. Double butt plugs.

We got to sell these tickies. As we stated before, it's like two shows in one. We do an hour and a half of stand-up and then a live podcast after that. Canada's nice. Whenever I go anywhere else in the U.S., I'm like, I'm glad I live in New York. I don't really want to live anywhere else. I feel like Toronto and Montreal are places I could live.

I don't know if I could live there, but it's like it's really nice to visit here. It does make me feel like I don't have to live in New York. Yeah. I want to live in Amsterdam. I want to retire there, dude. Yeah, dude. I'm moving to Prague. That's good shit. We have a little Euro meet halfway. Get into industrial music. Adam, where are you going to live in the European retirement fantasy?

Well, it's not part of Europe, but Tel Aviv or Jerusalem. There's a lot of places. The bank. Yeah, the bank. Adam's got his eyes set on it. You know, the Occupied West Bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some nice property there.

If they didn't want us to have it, why'd they call it the bank? That's true. That's a good point. Just call it something else. Any moment now, if the plans of Adam and his family come to fruition. My family and I have no plans other than

to, you know... Well, your family large. Writ large. Oh, your family large, writ large. Oh, okay. Well, that's true. All right, folks. Well, catch us in Canada. We'll be back.

Are you cutting it off? No. Yeah, he is. I was. You are. I thought you gave me a look. No, no, no. I didn't give you a look. Okay.

Do you have to go? Is it close to eight? No. No. I do have to shit, though. It's 630. I thought you gave me a look. No, I didn't give you a look. Okay, well, do you have to go? Is it close to 8? No. Oh. I do have to shit, though. It's 6.30. I should probably go. You got to shower.

Dash got to shower. I got to shit. Okay. You're going to be breathing in my shit fumes. I showered at the place earlier today, the gay men's spa that I went to with Sasha. I'm so stupid. That legitimately got me. What?

Adam just saying he went to a gay men's spa We did go to a nice I'll never not be this Fucking stupid man Oh never It'll get worse And you get dumber You do get dumber

Yeah cause you know I feel like my parents Used to be smarter No I think they were Maybe I was dumber Yeah Yeah

Well I think they've gotten dumber I think people People get dumber You think so? Everyone but you gets dumber Adam yeah well i think they've gotten dumber i think people's people get dumber you think so everyone but you get stummer i don't i don't get smart you just get smarter and you're smarter than everyone else shut i don't say i've never said that i've never claimed to be smart smarter than not a once now and i'm mad i'm sad for the guy from flowers for algernon not being able to stay smart no but he doesn't like being smart. But he got pussy. That's the moral of the story. But he got pussy.

Yeah, but... It's an allegory for a guy not being able to get hard. Interesting. And then getting hard for a while. Yeah. That's what it's about. That's interesting. It's hormones for Algernon.

Fuck. Well, all right, folks. We'll catch you. Well Alright folks We'll catch you As again If you're in Montreal tomorrow night If you're in New York We'll catch you in Funny Moms We'll catch you at the stand

On Tuesdays Fat Tuesdays Bye guys