The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 161 – Too Much Canada

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

Almost back on track here folks

Oh, and fuck it. Does this look right? Check five, five, five, yeah, that's fine. Oh, you already started? Yeah. Okay. I did. Adam? Check. Can you hear me? I can't. I don't know how to think in. Okay.

But I'm sure it's fine. And by I'm sure it's fine, I mean. Who gives a fire? Ooh, ooh, baby, I love gay sex. That light-skinned lion shit. Oh, yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. How light-skinned lions roar a great meme. Check it out if you haven't had a chance, gang.

This is welcome to the saying things from the internet. Welcome to memes we saw that we enjoyed. Memes we fucked. Memes we busted inside. Memes we fucked. Have you jacked off to a meme before? Hmm, I'm trying to think. I think actually now I can think of it.

What was it? Remember that one where was the girl holding the other girl's hair in a ponytail? That's a good one, bro. And then pouring water in her milk? It's milk, I think. It's milk. Yeah, it's really good.

That's a fucking great one. You can't even see their titties. It's so sexual. Yeah, I just want that girl to fucking eat that other girl's pussy. I love how honestly, that's what I was thinking. And then people put words over it, like my anxiety. Right.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finals. Right. Going to a party, my anxiety. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.

Your anxiety is the girl holding your hair back, probably. Yeah, standing in the corner at a part. Let's do a verbal meme right now. Verbal meme. OK, the girl. The girl getting the water poured in her mouth is hold on. Hold on. How about this?

Let's say you're an Indian woman. You can be there for me. No, no, no, I love it. No, my favorite food. No, you have to take the same pick and put in the end. Delicacy. No, what I'm me would be the girl getting the milk and then the milk would be links to Indian men's dating profiles.

And the girl would be my parents. OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. OK, that'd be good. Yeah, that'd be relatable for a Punjabi woman. A Desi person, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

The milk could be guys, Indian guys, or trying to get me to marry Indian guys could be the milk. And then the girl could be my mom. Why don't we do these kind of my mom every time I'm at home? Why do we have to do this? Or you wait for Thanksgiving. You say my mom at Thanksgiving milk. Yeah, telling me I should marry.

And when I'm asking, telling me to ask me when I'm going to settle down with a nice Indian boy, a nice Punjabi MC, exactly. And then me, the girl that we just did. I would love to date an Indian girl just to meet her family and then like disappoint them. Well, yeah, date the Indian girl for like six months and being like, Punjaya, I love you. I want to meet your Doddhead family.

No, no, you can't say that to me. Well, you know, what I'm just playing. Well, no, I want to meet him. And we're going to, I can't wait to meet you. And I just do all of the rituals, correct? Yeah. So I show up front door. I've got the sword holstered.

Right. You're on an elephant. I covered in ribbons. You're on an elephant. I'm covered in ribbons. All sorts of things. You have diarrhea. Yeah.

And then I get in there, shoes stay on right up to the fuck. Just going through the refrigerator. I'm like, all this stuff smells like shit. You're just like Aladdin. Yeah. You're saying in that relationship for six months and saying you'd love her a bit. Yeah.

So you can do what you want to be racist, I guess. To be racist to a family. All this food fucking stinks. We just had Indian food for dinner. I know. But in this story. It's good food. This food stinks.

And they're like, why aren't you dating an Indian guy? And I'm like, fucking Indian people are dumb. That's why she's not dating an Indian guy. Because she doesn't want to end up like you. If I was that girl. If I was that girl. Two doctors. Hold on.

If you're that girl, you could make a meme. And it could be like my boyfriend. It could be the girl holding the milk and then racist stuff. And then the girl drinking the milk could be my family. But you know what? That would just make her like me more. The milk is the racist. If I owned her parents that way, I'd be like,

why are you judging Vajankya this way? Vajankya is just trying to fucking work in a coffee shop. And that's fine. She doesn't want to be an engineer. She's not trying to be a fucking what? George Clooney on ER? Is that what you want for her? Where's he now?

That's right. Married to an Indian woman of his own. So maybe if you think doctors are so smart, you should look at the smartest doctor of all time, Mr. George Clooney. That's what you do? Amal Clooney? Yeah, Amal.

It's Amal Persian, right? She's George Clooney's wife. I know. Yeah. Oh, I don't know her as George Clooney's wife. You mean Amal's husband? I think Amal's husband. George Clooney's bitch.

Oh, George Clooney's bitch, yeah. OK, now I know what you're talking about. She's a human rights bitch for George Clooney. She's one of the human rights bitches. How about the meme? And it's the guy looking over his shoulder at the other girl. But the one he's with is Wheat Thins,

and the one he's looking at is Trisket. Trisket. That's awesome. Yeah. Rosemary and olive oil Trisket. Those are really good. We are on a roll. What other memes can we do?

Why don't we just, instead of doing this disgusting show that we do, why don't we just do a meme guy? Nor meme memes. Here's what we do. Get 100,000 retweets on all of them. Here's the thing. We're going, that's what we're doing. Now we're doing this shit.

People have been doing visual memes. Now it's time we did audio memes. And that's what this show is. Oh, we're inventing that. OK. OK, let's see. It could be like a picture of a hot girl on a beach. And there's a seagull trying to eat an ice cream cone

that she has in her hands. So go ahead and make a meme off that. We got a hot girl on a beach. Sorry, she has an ice cream cone. And a seagull. And she's like, ah, and a seagull is stealing. The seagull is swooping down. Yeah.

So the ice cream cone is studying for finals. OK. And the girl is me. Me. And then the bird. This sounds like sort of trying to remember a dream. No, no, hold on. And then the bird is like girls showing up

with a case of four loco in the dorm. Yeah, or like some sort of like Wildcat Fest on the quad. That's good. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got 3-Eleven this year and Rayquan from. That's right. They got T-Pain coming in.

How about Gayquan? That's all. That's really good. Have they thought about it? Gayquan the penis chef. And Gayquan the chef that prepares dishes made out of semen. My favorite rapper, Gayquan. Gayquan the fucking.

So weird. It's like, this Airbnb is like, it's nice. But can you imagine this being your apartment? Yeah, this is like, so we're out right now to let you guys know. We are. Where are we? We suck at, suck at Decaliana. We're in Edmonton, Alberta.

Oh, get head. Might as well be Russia. The Dallas of, yeah, it is Russia. It's like Petrodollars. We're in Get Edmonton. Literally on an off-campus dorm somewhere. Yeah, but like where the rich kids on like that go to school, they don't live at the, no, the state housing.

We don't share a fucking bathroom with 12 other motherfuckers on the floor. No, we have a suite and we have two bathrooms. There's four bedrooms. We each have a full. There is no furniture. No furniture. There's one couch and one Ikea table sitting on one little couch right now that you can karate chop through pretty easily, but we're going to get some pussy.

Tonight we're going out to get pussy. We're going bitch hunting. We're going bitch hunting on Edmonton. Okay, school. We on some fake ass Canada shit. Yeah, it's so funny that Canada has colleges too. Mm hmm. You know what I mean?

Oh, it's like, shut up. Yeah. What are you learning? Fucking leave this dick. Yeah, exactly. Learn a moose fucking a moose's head. You got to learn fucking syrup. Yeah, learn what you're learning, how to be not as tight as us.

Poutine. What about you? What are you put my dick in? Make you in university about poutines. And it's a website where Indian girls, young Indian. No more Indians. We just had Indian. I was afraid this was going to happen with the spices.

We were very special kind of. I just said coconut once he has coriander. He can't stop speaking in the voice. You give this motherfucker cumin. He doesn't know how to act because we've gone without our Uber drivers for so long. That's true. I don't have access to them. I get it out of my system and those ubers.

Mm hmm. You know, what Canada is a very diverse culture. There's a lot of South Asians here. Not a lot of Indians. I've seen Somali guys. There are a lot of Indians. We went in Canada in general. Yeah.

What's the school we're at? McEwen University. Let's see what that place is about. McEwen. McEwen. Fun fact about McEwen. Yeah, they invented rape at this college. I don't think that's true.

It was the first mattress. That's not true. Mattress girl thing happened. I think some caveman with a hard head. You think the Chiquita banana lady was raped in a pile of fruit? I don't think that. And that's why she goes around. She carried it on her head as a remembrance.

Some guy pushed me into a basket of fruit and raped me. There's an MFA project. I do not think that I think it's just a fun. Now I have to go around. I have to carry all this fruit around so people know that he raped me with each piece of fruit on this thing. I'm trying to go to this strip. I had grapes shoved into my pussy.

Oh, this used to be a community college, dude. Dude, this used to be called Grant McEwen Community College. And now it's a real university. She's named after some fucking guy that was at the University of Saskatchewan. We're not even in Saskatchewan. He looks like Hitler, honestly. Look at him.

Does this guy look like Hitler? Damn, it's tear down the statue of him, right? Yeah, Grant McEwen looks like Hitler. Fuck him. So I'm thinking, boys, we're a member of the Legislative Assembly of Alberta. He was the mayor of Calgary. OK, that's something.

But he can suck my fucking dick while he's at it in hell. Suck my dick in hell. Whee! What do I want to whee? Grant McEwen, you can suck my dick in hell. Suck my penis. Suck my penis. I can't lift my penis, so.

I'm in hell, and I'm getting my dick sucked. Yeah. That's pretty good, dude. I'm watching the video of that girl making fun of Dasha and Anna. What girl? Simone Norman. Nice. What?

Are you watching it right now? You're watching it now? It came up again on Twitter. Yeah, it's going real viral. I'm thinking we go to the strip club after this. OK. Because you know, boys, how at the beginning of this tour, right at the end of the tour, we all

promised each other on the first day that we wouldn't jack off or come this whole trip. So I'm thinking we go to the strip club. This is our last night without a show, off night. We go there, and we all bust in our pants together. That's a good, that's not cheating. It's not cheating if it's busting in your pants. If you bust in your pants, it's not cheating.

No way. That's a genius, dude. Yeah. That's the. We just make the thinnest pants of all time. Yeah. We just bust in it. I'm going to become an engineer, dude.

My pants fit through. You can just put the pants into the pussy. They're like, no, I mean, we brushed up against each other, and I happen to come in my pants. Yeah, no, there's like a fabric dig cutout. Yeah. Or you can use what you do. It's like a condom on the pants.

You make pants made out of condoms. Yeah. So you wear it. So if you wear a condom, it's technically busting in your pants. If the pants are made out of it, it's connected to your pants. Pants made out of the same thing. Dude, that's a shark tank idea.

Shark tank. So we can start cheating on our girlfriends. We made pants that are made out of latex condoms. So you can bust in your pants, and it's not cheating. Mr. Wonderful, I don't know if gay guys have this problem, but would you be interested in investing? I'm not gay. What about me makes you think that?

Probably that guy Draymond is just like crying, and he's like, that's the most fooboo shit I ever heard. David. Honestly, that's the most fooboo shit I ever heard on this show. I'll give you a billion dollars for 2%. Take the whole cupboard. Just take it. I'm ready to ascend.

This place is $10 men cover, $5 lady cover. Oh, so you think they'll be pussy at the strip? Yeah, because women love going to strip club. They love going just to gender to be around guys. They love that. To be around the guys that are looking at the strip. The type of alpha is to go to the strip club on Monday night. Yeah, it's Tuesday.

Is it Tuesday? Well, there is a $2,000 contest at the other strip club, but it doesn't have as good a review. I'm going to go win that contest. What are you doing? Shea Pierre's Cabaret, what is it? Hold on. I'll find them both.

I was just looking at the reviews on Google. And then the other one is Shade Gentleman's Club. Oh, they're both Shade. Shade and no, Shade, like a Shade and Shades. Shades Pierre. Shea Pierre. The Pierre's House Pussy Club. But apparently it's Tuesday night.

Apparently there's some sort of contest at Shade Gentleman's Club. Interesting. What kind? Let me find it, but it's a $2,000. There's a cash prize prize. OK, do we have to strip? So it's Tuesday's filthy feud, where you can win up to $2,000 if you're lucky and have a dirty mind.

Is that all they describe the con? I mean, we have to have a dirty mind contest. Yeah, we have to have the dirtiest mind. I'm home alone, but this time they catch Kevin. They catch and rape him. Kevin, all of his toys can't save him. That's so dirty. It's like pranks.

Bad dirty. Because yeah, and it turns out Joe Pesci fits entirely into Kevin's ass. And the other guy, fucking Daniel or whatever. They tape a dildo to a paint can and release it into his ass. And swings. They both hold. One of them holds Kevin's, each one of them holds Kevin's legs.

And then they jump down the hole where the basement stairs used to be, impaling Kevin via his ass on the broomstead. That's dirty. That he is set up. And I'm like, I'm not finished. I'm using my time to get that $2,000. I go city to city telling the dirtiest story. Having the dirtiest mind.

Having the dirtiest mind. This guy, Lex Luthor says, shout out to Savannah, the greatest girl. We love her hubby bee. Five stars. Sounds good. Wow. Lexus is like the name of every girl there.

Yeah. There's no way there's just one of Lexus. Beautiful women with awesome dance skills. Wow. That's important to me. I hope the choreography is tight. Honestly, if it's not tight, I'm not I'm not throwing two loonies or two

knees at her pussy. That's so true. How do you tip if they don't have dollar bills here? Do you insert the coins into her ass? Like a venting machine. Start at the beginning of every song to put a coin in her pussy. I have heard you can grab the titties in Canada at the strip.

That's honestly awesome. Can I say that? That's what the strip club was like when I was 19 and I engaged in. Israel. I engaged in a in a back room blow job. Oh, yeah. What was his back room back room back room blow job?

Ice cream paint job. Yeah. Sucking on hard hard digs because I'm gay. Sucking on a man's penis for a living. Sucking on hard ass digs for a living. Yeah, we just discovered that that song is panic at the disco. Yeah, I thought it was some like mixed race team. Yeah, it seems like a mix.

It's the band of Las Vegas. Some guy that wears nothing but like hoodies in very tight. Some guy with like a curly hair up top, but a skin fade on the side. Yes. Yeah. And one long earring. A kid with a kid with like fry locks haircut and fucking

and then a hoodie and then painted on jeans. Yes. Yeah. The hoodie costs $800. $800 hoodie. One of these rich black kids out here. One of these spoiled black kids. One of these snobs.

I'm so tired of this. That's funny to say. Yep. You don't have to be tired of these spoiled. No, I'm tired of what group has it too easy right now. Yeah. Sexy girls kissing naked spoiled mixed race children. Yeah, you're against fucking race mix.

But you say because they're spoiled. Because they're rich moms. They're rich black moms can't get enough for spoiling them. No, it's a class. I'm talking about class. It's a class. It's really a class. These rich, these rich mixed race kids.

Yeah. OK, so I'm on the Facebook page now of this trip. Which one shade or shade is shade here? The House of Pierre. So here's the house or we can we can see. We can see if the talent is right. The town's looking like what they show pussy in Canada. No, they don't have pussy here.

I don't remember. I remember the rule of thumb in Vegas growing up was if you can stick your thumb in her pussy was that you can shoot the ball and she is now your slut. No, but just in pleasure. Put her out to pasture. It's like quidditch if you catch the little fucking bone. Well, these girls are exotic and beautiful.

Let me see. I wonder if there was any plantation owner that did like it's going to see if like if there was a market for breast milk. Oh, like in your OK. I think we would have heard of I guess they're like milking the stuff. I think about refrigeration is big when it comes to breast milk.

I know that's why you would need because in the south they didn't have refrigeration. So you would just need massive amounts of slaves to produce Titty milk. No, but what I'm saying is you would need it cold. I don't want to drink warm Titty milk. It's weird that they're taking pictures on this Facebook page of girls dancing cheese.

Sorry, I yeah. Breast milk cheese could be good. Yeah, it's crazy. They didn't have air conditioning in the south until like 1930. Yeah, what a horrible place. That's your fucking shit life. Just needing to fan yourself constantly. Damn.

Makes slavery seem even less chill. Yeah, it does. One thing if it was like a nice 72-day day. Yeah, if you were like the slave that got to drive the Zamboni machine, that would be an OK job. But if I recall correct, there was no Zamboni. There was not. There was not.

They did not have ice cream. It was not. One of the jobs in slavery. I want to see like Texas school books. And how you doing, children, if you could get off the ice for a minute. Mr. Timothy is going to come by on the Zamboni machine. This lady's got to do smooth ad-ice for you.

They got to take an aptitude test to place them in terms in a bunch of different fun jobs. It was a Zamboni operator. Somebody had to sell the fucking hot chocolate at the ice skating rink. You both on your phones now? Well, I'm just researching the strip club situation because I'm so horny.

It's $10 for men, $5 for women, and a 50% entry discount for members of the armed forces. So if we dress up like ladies and soldiers, $2.50. Oh, boy, my pussy is wet. I know you think we don't have Jews in Canada, but we see this all the time. Bunch of guys that look like Woody Allen in combat boots and fish in that top shop, right?

With like a lipstick on on the corner. Hello, it's me. Now, if you split a chair with one of them, you can pay half price. Wow, they have Instagram, too. Wow. Now, have you you have a single one of these women? I really should be paying better attention to the show

and not to these titties. No, no, the show's going fine. The show's great. I'm still laughing about the slave driving the Zambia was very funny. It's wet whiskey Wednesday. Come get out of the rain and warm up with one of our beautiful performers, Salem.

Salem could get it. Yeah, Salem could get it. Now, is there a website where they're if getting it means busting in my condom pants? Because I bust, bust in my condom fucking pants. Because I'm busting in my condom fucking pants. I'm busting in my pants. It's not cheating, bitch. Don't even cheat.

I just bust really easy. I'm busting in my pants, but I'm busting my pants panic. I busted in my pants. Damn, some of these girls do not look as good. Nasty, nasty, nasty bitch. She a nasty bitch. You were nasty bitch. Damn it.

Now they tagged one of the strippers. And now I'm on her fucking hers. Let's see on her account. Let me see. Micaela, what does she look like? She has a lot of tattoos. I'd like that. I don't, I don't like tattoos.

Let me see, please. Okay, this is how it happens with Instagram. You just start on one thing, innocently trying to look at a strip club's page and then you're on the strippers page and then you're looking at her. Roided off boyfriend's page and then you DM her and you're like, I'm worried about you and this guy. I don't think I think this guy's bad for you.

I think he's bad. Listen, I'm a cop. Shit. Of course. Listen, I'm a police officer. She's got some bondage. Shit. She's getting tied up and fucked.

If you need to feel safe, I'm going to come to your apartment now. Give me the address. I would love to make her feel safe. Just please drop a pin. If you want to, ma'am, I'm trying to sexually protect you with my gun. You are under being my girlfriend.

What was that? You are being placed under my girlfriend. Ma'am, please put, keep your hands on the wheel. My name is office or chowdry. You're wearing sweatpants, ma'am. So what do you have to say? I'm going to blaze up. Go to the strip club.

No, that is a that is a mistake. I've done that. Really? Fool me once. I've done it far too many times because when we were in high school and we turned 18, the only thing we could do was go to all nude strip clubs and you couldn't go to the topless ones because those had alcohol because they didn't want pussy and alcohol mixing. Oh, really?

Yeah. So me and my friends used to blaze because so you couldn't get it. Have a cocktail and look at a no, no, no, no, we drink juice with Chinese businessmen at little darlings. And yeah, and then and then we would get stoned and then just there. They play the music videos along with the songs. And so we just like end up just watching like we'd be like, oh, fucking puddle of mud, dude. That's a weird ass band.

Why is she dancing this? This isn't a very sexual song, you know? Yeah. So so yeah, blazing is not good for the for the vibe. I don't think I guess I'll just blaze up and suck my own dick. You could do that. I mean, I don't even think whatever. Let's just finish this fucking podcast so I can bust it.

I can't wait to bust me to jack off, dude. I told you, I thought we all made a pact not to jack off this whole trip. You've been fucking, I don't know how to tell this to you, but you've been fucking sleep busting every night. Not this should have been a reality show. Bust House. In a house and they're like, none of them are allowed to jack off and it's just guys quietly jacking off on night vision camera and they have like a computer room and it's

like they're just meeting in the morning and there's a guy with a shirt off making a protein shake. And he's like, yeah, bro, I got to talk to you because I went to go get a glass of water last night and I saw you busting a tight shot and I swear I wasn't busting, but I didn't bust Tyler and Sasha debate whether he busted or not. Coming up on Bust House. No, dude, you couldn't let the bus. Dude, I asked you several times stop bringing up that girl with big tits.

We saw. Don't say the word breast don't with that girl we saw with big don't say they like blur his mouth when he says tits. Bust House. Dude, that sounds great, not watch fucking commercials for fucking bikini waxes. You cannot watch a fucking summer's Eve douche commercial against me to fucking horny like Eric has some news to share with the group. The producers found out that I actually have testicular cancer, which prevents me from busting

to begin with. So they're asking me to leave the show boys go play putt putt golf to send Eric off. One last hang before Eric has to leave because he lied about his testicular cancer. Bro, honestly, when I found out your nuts didn't work, I felt really betrayed. Yeah. Yeah. Fake as hell. I just can't wait till we get back to the clubhouse and we can play we god damn you people would

watch it. I would legitimately watch it. I wouldn't watch Bust House. Honestly, I'm thinking about it. That would be a challenging thing to do to live, but they're just constantly beating off. But in a scenario where there's like the cameras are watching you and every time you grab your cock, it's like no, it's not.

It's just that it's 10 guys in a house and they're not supposed to beat off, but you don't get anything for not beating off. That's just the rule, but I'm talking about how they're there to win. Yeah. They're like, I'm not here to make friends, even though I have, I'm here to not beat off. They're not Bust and then they're just constantly beating off. Yeah.

Eric, I could tell that you're beating off right now. No, I'm not, dude. There was come all over the spatula that is honestly. So it's an interesting, but we should pitch Bust House because because I honestly would watch it. Is there a prize or it's just like there's no prize. There's no point to it. There's not even they have to go to work right the way all those shows are.

No, they have to work at like a no, they don't have cell phones like challenges. Yeah, they're like, they tried to, yeah, they tried to work at the local burrito fiesta, but Eric beat off the boys immediately started beating off, but unfortunately they employed a pretty hot 15 year old post is 15 year old girl was working there and they couldn't help but take turns beating off in the bathroom. Just looking at her and closing your eyes because you wouldn't remember. We weren't in the house. We all caved.

Bro. That's my little closet. Bro. Yeah. They're just standing around in a circle. There's Tiki torches in the backyard next to the jacuzzi and they're like, we all promised we wouldn't bust at burrito fiesta. We all said we wouldn't do it and we all failed the challenge and that's on all of us.

And we're going to learn and grow from this. But I'm bum bum, but I'm bum. Bust house. So does anyone get eliminated? Um, no, no, you just get caught and it was just it's Jersey shore, but, but it's about beating on not beating on. There's no rules. Basically, other than that's what binds these people together.

Yeah. It's not. And then at the end they realized that they've made friendships for a lifetime. You know, and through showing the masturbation is evil, what you can accomplish by not busting a male friendship, because you know that busting gets in the way of men being friends with each other. You know, you want to, you want to throw a, we're so caddy, you want to throw a fucking a wrench in there?

Yeah. Put a gay guy in there. Oh my God. Well, I'll tell you what, it'd be cool if one of them, his dick didn't work. I think, whoa, and he was tricking all of them, but then the show is sponsored by bluechew.com bus. Tell you, the official sponsor is trying to trick straight into sex. Yeah.

If you have some blue, blue, blue will make a guy's dick hard, whether he wants it or not. And if you, if you see it, fella, you like mix a little blue shoe in the G H B and you can drug and rape him. No, with the help of this, we're going to, we just got our sponsors back. We finally got our reeds back. No, we didn't lose. We never lost it.

I know, I know. I'm just trying to create a narrative. No, all our other sponsors went out of business. Thursday boots. This exists anymore. Uh, no, cause they found out they were selling boots to cops to step, to kick. Oh yeah. That's right.

Kick in. Plenty for sculls. Oh, what about that? Yeah. No, we couldn't do that. Then we probably shouldn't even mention it. Yeah. We shouldn't mention it now.

They're, they're, they're still in business. It's what happened was it's not winter anymore, so they didn't want to buy everything. Oh, it's for the winter. Um, it's winter in Australia now. Yeah. We have a lot of fans there. I guess they're probably advertising an Australian podcast. They talk like fucking in Australia, even listen to the, the dinghy fucko podcast.

I'm, I'm fucko dingus. I'm fucking gay, Tom. I'm shit ass faggot shit, blingo, blingo, blingo, fair shit ass from Australia. I'm Marky Duda. I'm, I'm, I'm wazoo cock face all the way from down under and I need Bluetooth to make my bitch dick work. Or when all went out on the, on the old, the old beak and when you're on the airbag and you're dangling stiff, you got to take a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue chain

and there's only a five degree range that I can get hard and it's between sixty eight and seventy three degrees. I need to predator to be looking at my dick. I need that temp to pit viper with my dick to make sure it's the exact right temperature that it's IR sensors go off and it fills my dick with sweet venom. And that's actually what Blue Chew is made out. The ingredients in there, it's the same act of ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, which was, a lot of people will know this, it's snake poison.

And how they discovered that was by spending some time in the jungle. Yes. That's right. I went to the Amazon. Got his cock. Absolutely. He was like, he was like, well, if I can't be president, I'll guess I'll get my dick sucked by snakes.

He's saying, that was his, can't paint your promise. If I don't become president, I promise you, I promise I will get my dick sucked by snakes down to Brazil and I will defile their brain for my dick into the Amazon river until one of those candaver fish injects its spines into my dick and I painfully have to rip it out. And that is my promise to the American people, the American people that he couldn't get his dick hard and a snake bit it. And then he's like, wow, that's, that's the medicine.

That's the Lord's medicine right there, isn't it? And that's why he's still alive. Yeah. People don't know that. If you ever got like what Blue Chew does is just a little piece of that venom. He got it straight from the fucking source. So he's been hard since 93. He's been hard since 93 and the only way he'll die is if his cock goes soft.

That's the only thing keeping him alive. That's a cool idea for a movie too, like a speed reboot, but you have to keep your dick hard. Isn't that what crank is about? Well, it's good. You got to keep your heart beating. Crank your cock. Oh, exactly.

Crank three. Yeah. Crank three. Crank three beating off. Yeah. Quite well. Crank three and he's got blue juice. Yeah.

If I don't, if I don't keep taking these dick pills, my dick will get soft. Like, well, it's supposed to. Most people's dicks are, no, I don't think that's why I think your grown man is always supposed to have his dick hard. Like I got a poison in my cock. I've tried, I tried letting Spidey's bite my dick and the Spidey's got the wrong kind of venom. It made my balls hard.

My dick saved. About six months ago, a bunch of baby Spidey's came out of my left nut. My balls, my balls got hard. My balls pointed straight out. This, my ball bag. My balls unfolded. My ball bag pointed straight out like a cartoon wolf's eyes when it saw a pair of tits. And then my dick started pounding on the table.

That's what my dick does when I see a girl. My balls come. My balls. Yeah. And your dick goes bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. Yeah, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. Bluetru.com, you can get the first chewables with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis.

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That's so much cum to just be sloshing around your stomach. That's horrible, man. That's too much. It's too much if you ask me. That was the wrong forever young. That was the Alphaville-free-ever-young. Yeah. The Rod Stewart one is forever young.

Oh, yeah, the Alphaville one's so much better. So, let me drink your cum, let me live forever. That's the one where he's with the little boy in the music video that looks like cum. Doesn't Rod Stewart feel like an evolved version of Barry Manilow? Like, they both have like a spiky style hair. Like a tougher Barry Manilow. Is Barry Manilow gay? Barry Manilow is like Ratatah and, fuck, which was the big fat rat?

Ratatat? I want to call this strip club. There's Ratatah and then there's Ratatat, right? Ratatat, the band? Pidgey and Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto. How about that, you fucking idiot? Well, Pidgey turns into Pidgeotto by taking Bluetru.

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Give a more full-throated endorsement Fred Thompson. That's senator. Yeah, maybe He was an actor too many you tried to run for president There's a lot of guys that just sound like that. Yeah. Yeah, there's like well Um, it's not like Fred so grown man now. So I guess I have to talk like this You know, yeah, mm-hmm. I know brother You gives you confidence in bed every time you and your partner will love it or you just take them for beating off Absolutely, you know, I love that shit. I love it. Oh, I like taking bluetooth and then masturbating to the covers of books I don't even need pornography. I'm a fucking sapio sexual bitch. Yeah, I jack off the book covers

I got the bookmarks that I'm jacking off the fucking candle. Your tits do nothing for me Yeah, I don't even need that shit. I'm gonna be over here. I'm jacking off to a semi-core. I'm over here masturbating to the Wayne Scotting Staring at the wall like one of the one of the the aliens and Legend I am legend Isn't that that's not that's about vampires. It's about one of the vampires. I am legend Aliens The monsters or some

You wouldn't do it. Here's a great deal for you guys visit bluetooth.com You get your first order free when you use promo code come town Mm-hmm. That's C as in Chinese you is in Ukrainian M is in Muslim T is in trans Oh as in Oriental W as in woman and In as you know, okay, that's done Just pay $5 shipping that's bluetooth.com BLU CHEW.com promo code come town And we're back and we're fucking fucking back sucking off eight guys and drinking that come

Now my stomachs full of two leaders are seeming Suck and I'm right guys for a livin Yeah Man, I can't stop looking at these lovely ladies When's the website are you on their Instagram page? It's just women with the Mercedes logo tattooed on their breasts These some of them have really gassed I want just to settle down with a just a

Dominican lady with a really shitty rose tattooed on her butt. Oh my god I would love to date a Dominican lady. That was just verbally abusive to me all day long. Yeah, call me stupid Say my dick is little. Yeah, that'll be cool. Tell them. Tell me that I'm not man enough. Mm-hmm. I would love that Just to be demeaned by By an 18 year old Dominican girl. That's what Nick needs, dude He really you need you need a Dominican lady to yell at you, dude. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah You don't have your priorities in line. I don't be honest with you. I get pretty tired of that pretty quickly

I know you you would be like shut the fuck I really don't respond to that kind of shit Sucking off a man's penis because I'm gay Hey Panic where'd the dicks go? Simon chill out the room still filled with dicks. Oh I had a nightmare that all the dicks were gone and I couldn't suck all of them in my band panic. Where'd the dicks go? Fuck So what do we do so at strip club?

You can get in Edmonton in Edmonton. Is that where we are? Yeah, we do we go down to that to the 7-Eleven where we just were yeah, we get some black a mile some biker myth Okay, some biker crank. We get crank. We get some crank Then we crank and then we go high voltage and then we just beat off our soft methamphetamine Dicks I like that in the bathroom. Obviously. Can I be honest? Yeah, I like that a lot. That's a great idea I love that idea not busting We do not bust we have a code the Buster's code. I

Promise not to bust our father I art and penis Vermeer told me that if I become a Highlander, I am never If you want to live forever you just can't beat off You have to come into my mouth That's the founder the movies about a Spanish guy that goes around the world tricking guys in the gay sex Wish you have to understand the Scottish Scottish pretend to be where everyone else where you from Egypt or Spain my name is a one Carlos

The son test of Ramirez the only Scottish person in that movie, which is a movie about Scottish people is playing in Egypt. Who is Ramirez name for a mirror Playing a man named Juan Ramirez is so fucking awesome Just I would like it if that character becomes a day labor or later In this Highlander. Yeah, right mortal life McClout because he's resurrected in Highlander, too Oh, he is. Yeah, he came back for that franchise. He did it was a hit the only that's the only franchise other than Bond They're the only movie he starred in a sequel other than wow Was it a hit?

Yeah, because he's a fucking Scottish retard and he's like we have to get our culture out there This is Scottish culture is Scottish. Yeah, he's a guy playing with swords Because he wants to live forever. Yeah, his wife was raped by a Monster from another planet space of space alien who Reptors what? And now he lives forever And I love that why does he teach him why is because all the all the other Highlanders are chill They're all everyone's nice to each other except except the kergin who kills the rest of them because there can be only one and

The kergin's right like they all understand. There's only supposed to be one of them because then if you there's only one you get the prize Which is eternal so the Kergin's the only one he's like listen We're supposed to be doing this He's a reason but not necessarily if everyone just hangs out gets pussy forever You get to get a bunch of like the prizes your dick starts working again. I I use your medicine called bluetooth that makes me Forever, it also will make you live for it's snake. You'll have to let the snake bite the head of your dick off Totally off Ramirez

I think so I don't I I Don't really know what happened to you Did your cock get bitten off by a snake? I kind of want to call this drip club and see What which ladies are working tonight and then see if we can get pics maybe an IG for some of them? Yeah, we should DM them Yeah, DM the chicks. Yeah, I'm gonna be sliding through shapey air Hey, what's up? Me and my my boys are here staying in a college dorm. We're about to podcast tomorrow Yeah, but for the night we're thinking about busting in our pants. We're in town for

Yes, is this the strip club? My name is Ramirez. I'm 3,000 years old and as a result. I would like to not pay I Know I'm immortal. So if I could come in there and maybe suck on the tits Because in my country Egypt You're allowed to do that My friend my mentally retarded friend McCleod is going to be joining us I've never seen a pair of boobs before But maybe tonight I will see them and suck on them So I can become a better actor

Yeah, he's such a dog shit act. I can't wait to act in a movie. It's me Christopher Lambert Christopher Lambert He talks like a a little bit like a certain comedian in New York City Adam Friedland. No, he does talk like that the guy that we're seeing They have a similar affect a similar way to go to the bathroom and Adam's mouth What I'm a big fan Is he um Is that the guy whose balls you got in trouble for showing on Facebook? Yeah, that's that's why you got banned from

It's for showing Highlander's fucking balls Yep, definitely probably something you're getting thrown off It's not out of context I gave the context but I mean like I know but just Describing the context is that I've seen that movie as I watch it repeatedly when I was a kid Yeah, and until I watch it on a 65-inch TV. I didn't realize I was just watching his balls as a young child right Why was his balls out was it a love scene was he actually fuck

Really, yeah, he insists he's like if we do the movie this is my chance to have sex He was married to Diane Lane. She's a piece of ass, dude. Oh, he cheated on dying everyone fuck Diane Lane That's not true. Don't that's why I had to I have a big crush. I think was that I didn't fuck her He didn't fuck his own wife. I never had Jack off to her sexy and then unfaithful with Richard gear that Spanish guy that fucks her in the hallway Clancy Brown wouldn't come back for the Highlander sequel when they told him that it was like He was an alien or whatever. Oh the bad guy. Yeah, he read the script and he's like this is shit And then Christopher Lambert had to call him up to convince him to do the movie

Uh-huh, and he's like Clancy. You have to do the movie. He's like Chris. This is the script is garbage Stupid and he's like it was my idea That's so fucking funny I was the one that wrote that how is that the guy they choose to be an action hero I I said it at the live shows because it's fucking John Claude Van Damme. Oh, right, right, right They got one one Franco one Franco file action star and they were like, let's try let me go strike gold Mm-hmm. He was in Tarzan Maybe we'll strike gold and maybe we'll fill hole. Oh, oh Big Josh the big dogs here boys are back in town

Yeah, and it's like in his own old age Christopher Lambert looks like Dana Carvey playing a guy with Down syndrome Yeah, he looks horrible. Yeah, a lot of forehead. Well, he's a sort of cross. He's got a five-head Mm-hmm. I'm gonna call this strip club and see which sexy ladies It's a man Christophe. Oh, this is his full name Christophe Guy Denied Lambert Guy I'm gay Christopher Yeah, hey, don't do that why not Well because we're recording the phone call. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's illegal. Yeah, is it?

Yeah, you can't I mean you boy you got to be yeah, I don't know about the prank calls you I don't know the law. Yeah, what about drive time radio? Don't they do pranks? That's all fake every single one of those is produced Interesting. Oh really they didn't pick up. Yeah, so I guess I'm just gonna be Jacking off jacking off. You want me to strip for you, man? I'll put on a wig It's like you're digging stuff to be a good friend. No, I've read too much about this strip club. I have to go Oh, you honestly need to jack. I'm gonna go dressed as a member of the Canadian military Who dresses a mountain? Let's give mountain uniforms and get get in for free. But hold on. This bitch is in French He's from Great Knack, New York. What that's where that's where my my car is from

That's crazy because you also give great neck. Oh Never mind. He was just born there Great neck is a very nice summer of New York City on Long Island Great neck both of you give great neck is where West Egg in the Great Gatsby is Is that we has the parties? That's where the new money town as opposed to East Egg Which is old money the old the good shit the good shit Tom This is hilarious Land bearer has

Profound myopia and cannot see without his glasses He cannot wear contact lenses and often has to act virtually blind All of that he just didn't know how to he couldn't see that's why this the sword fighting scenes in Highland It's also why I cross-eyed the whole time. Yeah, I can't wait to see my wife for the first time How does this guy have a career like that's how just some blind French He's not handsome But he's not movie star handsome. Oh, he's a novelist now. He's written two books What a book called la Phil Port boner?

No, La Fipeau Le Fipeau Bonair. I don't know how to fuck. I don't know fee Is that girl? Yeah, the girl the girl who sells boners. I think oh, okay, and lie you you go Le Yuga Lee, I don't know who yeah. Yeah, this is about a big pair of tits The girl through it. I guess port boner is like pussy hole. Oh, yeah, Port for boners You know like any port in the storm. Mm-hmm. Oh Yeah, there's a gay bar called port in a storm In Baltimore, and I think it's after the expression

He'll fuck any port in a storm. I think they were like We'll get some straight guys that just wanted to give fuck fucks a man. Oh, I thought it was like a sailor thing Any port in the storm means you'll fuck anyone's ass. Oh any port in the storm I would think is like you have low standards. Yeah, the storm is always going so it's a gay club for gay guys with very low I don't know, but it was called port in a storm and I didn't know what it was And then I think my mom explained it to me. Mm-hmm, which is weird because my mom did not had to not understand too many things Sexual she was very yeah, she was she did she was not of this culture She didn't get the inner windows. Mm-hmm. You know what now. I'm thinking about it. There's no way my mom you about it

Yeah, it was a cool older guy from the neighborhood who took me there Mm-hmm showed me around any turd in an ass any turd in an ass They're about eating the turds or shitting them out a gay bar called I'll fuck a guy if I don't have any options The last resort the last resort would be a great a great bar name Just do the trash. I'm sure there's a bar named the last resort It just sounds like a dive bar named Dicks ass resort. There you go. Yeah, Dicks last Dicks less resort Yeah, but that place sucks. That's all like they call you ugly and shit. Hopefully at this trip Can you imagine you're going there? Oh, it'd be too much. Yeah, they gotta be like wow too easy

I'd like shut up. Don't say mean stuff. Yeah, that's fucked up Mm-hmm. I'm just gonna I want to hire severely disabled people like just at Dicks No, like you get them on Craigslist someone with like neurofibromatosis. Oh, yeah, and you bring them to Dicks last resort And then they just and then just watch the you don't laugh at anything you just watch him as they yeah deal with this schmuck Don't even say that. Yeah, you don't say yeah, you say it with your face No, you just sit down and you're like yeah, I think we're good with water and they'll be like wow Nice wheelchair. Where'd you get it the junkyard? Mm-hmm. They were like, um, I think we're ready to order to No, you don't even respond

Oh, yeah, I think we'll have the wings burger. Yeah, I would um, I would go there And have them tell my wife. I want a divorce That's good, I'll write down some material for them on my wife, and I'd be like whoa What the fuck that's the mother of my children mama Mia. Mama Mia. What's a good way to divorce your wife? by gun At gun point your gun kata You mean gun kata like an equilibrium What's gun kata? It's I don't know it's karate with guns. Oh nice. Yeah, that's awesome

Would you shoot the gun? It would set a bang it would say I want a divorce or would you threaten to kill her? With a gun. I don't know. I use fireworks or something. Let's go. Yeah, it just spells out I want to get divorced. Yeah divorce by sky writing Get a plane to write it out So I can own hold a stick for living. I'm a fucking gay man and I'm gay I'm a fucking gay guy and my penis looks like children Your penis looks like no, no, no I'm a fucking guy and my dick is a set size of children. We got to come up with a better backstory for the strip club than

podcaster Venture capital Saudi millionaire billionaire Saudi. Yeah. Yeah, we're fucking from Saudi Arabia fucking rich as hell We're here for the oil. I bet I could pass for a set if you give you dressed me up if you give if you gave you a What do you call it a kafia or whatever? Yeah, if I wore that white dress or whatever If you wore the dress and then in the cool scarves Yeah, the checker thing You know if it's red if you've been on hodge to mecca and it's black and white if you haven't been there yet Oh, really? Yeah, that's how you know. What if you do anal? What color is it? Oh, it's like a hanky code

Like Yeah, yellow Brown if you do Greek I Love that we got that dude. Yeah, what Greek Greek? Yeah, that's the the slang For your culture I've never heard that. Oh, dude, that's a good stereotype. Great people fucking the ass. Well, they invented it We didn't well. They say it on like on like ads on Craigslist for for prostitutes They say no Greek no Greek. Yeah, that's fucking

Which is not there anymore because of sesta fosta or whatever. Yeah, how are you supposed to get a whore these days? You have to do it the old-fashioned way on the streets Going up to every single woman you see until one of them is a prostitute Did we ever tell that story about Eric? Nick What story now Nick's looking at his phone, but what are you looking at? We're on the train and there's this girl We were like I guess drunk There's this girl who's clearly

Selling pussy selling pussy and my friend just thought she was a hot girl And he's like what's up? You fucking partying or what like what's going on? What's up tonight? He didn't know I do soliciting a prostitute. We're like that's a that's a professional. How do we how do you know that? I was at Nick and I were pretty sure that she was she was just on the train Yeah Yeah, her ass and titties were out. She looked pretty cool. Yeah, she was completely naked She was like pay her to have sex. No, he didn't but he just didn't yeah, it was a very funny interaction. You found a holler at her? Yeah, he was It was pretty funny. We're on the train going to the West Village. Damn dude, that's gotta be just fucking strangers

What do you mean? Being a prostitute seems bad. Yeah, that's they need protections. That's our opinion We should become pimps. No, not an avalanche dude benevolent pimps Yeah, but like Yeah, excuse me all my sex workers all my sex workers is unionized. I want all y'all bitches to unionize That's my bottom bitch, that's my foreman Yeah, that's no fuck. Oh, you spilled water. I'm a little water all over the place Well, what's up, y'all bitches got health care get y'all pussies chick. Yeah, you got beanies All my bitches got beanies. You feel like sick still or no, I think I'm getting out of it

Yeah, you guys are now getting too sick for the strip club. I'm just gonna bust my pants. I'm not going to the strip club man I hate to break it to you. Yeah, no one was actually ever going. I think you were serious, but I was not going I was doing it as a bit obviously. I wasn't gonna go clearly. You've been doing this for an hour prior to the podcast Well, it was a long bit. It was a two-hour bit where I was joking around about how I want to go to a strip club All right, we'll go to the strip. Hold on. We got a show today Coming out. Yeah Last this is our last show. So if you're hearing this on Wednesday Buy tickets and see us and get Edmonton and then also come see

The July 2nd. I am doing a show called Fat Tuesdays. It'll be every Tuesday at the stand That a boy, please come out to that motherfucker. I'm trying to I'm I have that big working on you stuff It'll be fun. Have really good line-ups Tuesday will be Gary Goldman, Sam Merrill, Bobby Blotnick, Yamanita Saunders real murderers row That's a great line. I'm great line. I'm trying to start off with a bang and then July 8th Funny mom returns to come on. We're coming back. We're back in the we're back in the in the We're back in the trap And then there should be some dates

Stay watch this space. We're gonna have some dates coming up. Hopefully in the fall We're trying to come domestic dates. We're trying to come see our little sluts in the US. We do realize You know, we have been to other countries But we haven't really treated our own country and that's kind of been a protest against the chump administration I think militarism and our role American how we're sending bombs all over the country. We want we want to send laughs. That's true. You know I'm saying That's why we've done international

Mm-hmm. We're doing a rock next right Nick. He's on with this. I thought you're doing plot. Oh, yeah. Yeah Okay, so that's it We'll see you if you're in Hedmonton tomorrow night. Good night