The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 164 – In Your Eyes

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

man is destroyed, man is set free, man is reborn

Yep My buddy Well, you have sex with Your friends my my buddies have been having sex recently My real friends have been having sex with me. Stop asking unless my unlike my fake-ass friends stop right now You know I my hall pass I Can't use it on you dude. It's fine for Benicio del Toro Really? Yeah, to be gay to be gay. Who'd you be gay with Nick? Did I say that I would no, but if you had it be gay

Oh, look at Nick's good, dude. Did I say that I would yeah, that was a good answer Well, no, you said it you were like, who did you say and it's like I didn't know but who would you be gay? Nick would probably do the best under police interrogation He would be fucked by a cop. No, no, no, I mean cuz no, I know what you mean. Yeah Yeah Yeah, he'd be good like in a John McCain Hanoi hotel situation. Mm-hmm, you know Yeah, I mean there's people that are like it innately passable just by by themselves without trying to be you know a femme You're talking about yeah, like Val Kilmer or Sebastian. Yeah, Val Kilmer. I would suck his car

Oh Yeah, yeah, dude, he was he was a dream, but I won't fuck you though, man I'm even no matter you don't have to fuck me, dude. No one has to you can write a letter to my girlfriend I asked for permission. I'm not gonna write a letter Fuck it's the letter part that I'm I don't trust I'm glad you're getting your holes filled though, bro. Yeah, I've been getting my holes filled the last week So what else is in the news Jeffrey You guys see the France has a green goblin

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's his name posted a video my Crohn's bitches They had like a military parade and they had a fucking Straight-up green goblin flying and shit to say that that's like something the military is gonna start doing That's gay that is gay. I don't respect. First of all, I'll fucking I'll get a nerf football The one with the ones with the little tails in the back end that And I'll knock that motherfucker clean off of course and then I get the fucking green goblin I Didn't see France had a parade, but did everyone shit their pants about it and call it fascist. Oh the parade mm-hmm

They were making fun of it. It was so gay that it was Fascist display and that it's France is now a fascist because Trump's parade is that what you're saying? Yeah, but were people saying that I think they were saying that it was they were but it was so gay that they made fun of it More than for how gay it was than the fascist. Oh, yeah, they were like, yeah, they couldn't get past the France Part Although that's a good When that falls into the wrong hands, dude, no, I've never spoken out against Donald Trump's love of parades. I've made I've been on the record about my love of John Phillip Sousa and parade culture in general

I got mad at that that everyone getting mad at the tank parade thing because it's like they're like this is literally a Tiananmen Square This is exactly what happened there. There's tanks and people Those are the two Were there tanks there? I thought it got rained out or something got rained out. Oh, really? It never happened I thought it was raining in DC. Oh, that's so funny I don't know people getting upset about like military equipment on display, but it's it's autistic or erasure. That's true Yeah, that's true. I was people that just sort of like equipment. Yeah, yeah, heavy farm equipment

You don't even need the military. Yeah, we should have met in the middle and just done a bunch of big John They have that they have a fucking it's called SEMA. It's like a Special equipment and something parade. It's a big convention for like fucking cool trucks. You want to go there? No, it sounds like you want to go there. You know what it is. I know what it is wants to go I don't want to know. I don't know what Trump's parade or I know what Trump's parade is too I don't want to do that. Yeah, because you don't like violence. There's no violence happening But they're there are machines of violence. You want machines of peace? Yeah, let's let's turn those Swords into plowsheers, right? Mm-hmm. Let's get that fresh grain and shit like that

Get back to the earth mother Gaia, dude So we had a fucking French ass green goblin and then hold on. I got it. I got a list. I got the news Are we gonna do the news today? Give me one second. I'll be right back. Okay. I gotta wash my beard Why do you have to wash your beard now? It's like there's like food in it or something. It's really uncomfortable Okay, I didn't realize I haven't been talking. Yeah, that's fine doing all day, man. Nothing. I'm like chores You have to go to post office. Can we go back to Jeffrey episode? I feel like I'm I'm thinking about it You want to talk right now? Did you know that Aerosmith was also on the fucking? Mm-hmm. Well, first of all just a follow-up to our last episode. We were laughing about it

We recorded it on Friday and then I saw an article Amir two hours after the episode what I'm talking about which said that Jimmy Buffett was on the law Was in the Rolodex the private Rolodex his little black book Which means that I think Nick actually has said this but the problem is Island guys Yeah, the problem is like if you're into like islands or having your own island That is where the red flags go up. So what about what do you but what do you think about like Hawaii? Well, everyone there those guys No, those big guys those guys share their islands with other apoco Bay heads. Yes, you know

Some of my Bay heads and a boo who's Steven Tyler's not an island guy. Maybe he has his own island You know who else has an island Oprah? Oh Oh, oh shit. She probably fucks kids on that is a power move that would be you made this observation like two years ago I feel yeah that islands are the problem. Yeah, I kind of work through all this stuff What's your conclusion now? I don't know whatever I said two years ago about islands Fuck yeah, having a beer is nice because it looks cool But you should trim your mustache. No, it's what had the problem is is that like

And once every like three or four weeks, you'll have a day where you're like fuck. There's just shit all over my face Yeah, that's how I felt about having a mustache. Yeah, it's really you're gonna bring your mustache to that I would make you got a nice fat beard right now. I mean, it doesn't look as good as Nick's beard What did you have in there jerky? No, I think it's a mayonnaise man which It's just like sticky respect. Yeah, there's like a cat on my face. Yeah Mm-hmm an entire cat when you eat pussy that must stay there. Oh, yeah, quite some but I've had a mustache so That's nothing new

Do you shampoo? Have you has anyone ever gotten lice? Crabs on their beard probably where they have in the 70s, dude. You probably got pubes all the or lice all over your shit 1970s Remember that they would call it pubic lice as if there was any difference is I think there is no It's the same kind of life. That's our kids at school. We're getting lice because they they're mom's pussy Interesting. I didn't realize that was a big thing back when we were in school And it was because everybody's mom 70 they're 70 70 their pussies were so hairy It's like kids as you know, you're your mom's pussies are from the 1970s out of control

It's they got wild look. That was a good time for STDs pre aids. Oh man. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, come on Adam This cat's really taken in that bag, huh? Oh, yeah, land on my Adidas bag. Let's go back into it the 70s though Yeah, Sinbad has like a whole special About the 70s Every punchline is like in the 70s, and then it's just bullshit I mean like you can be like one of the greatest black comedians Just start with a joint like a thing. Yes And you know, okay, we'll start there be like in the south. Let me tell you things things be different in the south

Mm-hmm, and then it's just lies In the south man up in the north everybody talking about where my Tim's at but in the south Man, everybody got a hot air balloon You know that look at that's right. And then people class. Yeah, and then a massive round of applause shit Take the hot air balloon to the post office Saying I got post Who's that male now you got post? Because you've grown now. It's just like that. It's all it is goddamn. We should hire using synonyms

Using synonyms for words and it's a thing. It's a meek mill song where he's like like the money turned my noodles into pasta I Think ramen noodles into linguine. Yeah, I think he thinks it's I think he's going from ramen noodles to but it's not that much More expensive. It's not it's like a dollar. It's like a dollar It's an aisle over at the the the grocery store. Yeah, they're in the same store and it's an insult to the Marichan Corporation, it's also like you're picking things that like both can be acquired with food stamps Which you should have had access to as a poor person. That's right It's not like you're fucking pulling on your ebt card and you're like, uh

Japanese noodles only sir You're not gonna get no pasta no noodles made by white people for white people Yeah, stay out of the Italian section only the fuck you get with tacos and you get ramen Italian guy watching that happen He's buying fucking ravioli with his food stamp card Mama Mia This is this is fucking disgrace. This is a disgrace my little cousin Paolo He made those noodles off the with the sweat off the back of his hands If Robert De Niro were here to see this to Italians, everything is sacrifice everything you do after you get out of bed is some kind of sacrifice

He put his pants on with the sweat of his brow And he went outside and he did it despite the fact that there was a door in the way Nobody nobody It wasn't going outside that day. That's true. Oh Fuck dude every single day that man would have breakfast Nothing would stop crack the eggs unless a man would stop at the show. Oh when I was your age, I would did push-ups Yeah, yeah, fuck Italians. Oh, dude, I told you guys I went to Tony's house. Yeah. Yeah, what I saw I didn't I didn't know But what was going on kid a little tour? I did I went to hold to hang out with his real friends

Oh, he's you know, I went I went I went to Holstons diner where they did the final scene And I went to Tony and carms house. Nice did a tour of northern New Jersey. Who are these guys you're hanging out with? I hung out with Ari. Do they have podcasts? No, I mean, no Podcasts to your phone You over multiple times this weekend. Well, I invited you over here you said what's going on I said my buddy's coming over you want to come over and you were like, no, I was gonna invite you over here Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you still come to mind We were neighbors literally. Yeah, well, we're neighbors, but like neighbors in now

We both have cars just far enough that it's inconvenient to go to your well You have a car. No, it's nothing and the walk is it is nothing which is why we do hang out often enough But it's not like if there's it's not across the street. Yeah, I mean you're talking. I'm like Not even ready to go to the fucking grocery store. Oh, that's two blocks away, right? You know, there's shit. I need there That's true I haven't been in the grocery store in like three months. Yeah, I need to put graham crackers in a protein shake because I didn't have any fucking Yeah, but they tell you that you can sub graham crackers for blueberries basically the same It's your macros. I mean, you know, yeah, I know it's sure you shouldn't do that all the fucking time

No, I like this. This is the kind of meal prep I can get behind. No, don't tell I'm not cracking while you do it. It's yeah, it's festive get a little Tchaikovsky. Yeah, yeah, all of my cheat meals are eggnog graham cracker milk 36,000 But they got your good macros I'm just gonna say every meal I have has it fits my macros. I'm throwing out my tits. Yeah I Would love to I wish I big juicy titties. Oh, yeah, instead of these little fat titties, dude They're pretty big. They're not that big at the palm. They feel like a woman

They feel fine to the palm but look, you know, look at them. I mean, they're not aesthetic But if I was a woman through the shirt, they feel like if I was a woman, I it would be a I would be a horror show Yeah, if you opened up a bra and you saw those I mean, you also have chest hair, but you don't know what I'm saying is I know I don't draw wrong report. Yeah, you don't have a nice like circular cup. You know, there's kind of Be a big busty fat kind of why they kind of go to the sides. Yeah, they're not good Yeah, I feel like you're gonna have huge kids if you're a woman. I don't think I would my tits are little From for the most guys have bigger titties, especially if there's fat is me your ball

But you have the right kind of fat though. You have like a taut. I'm sorry. Yeah, you have all this bad You don't have this stomach. You have all the fat guy things going on. You have a small dick bald. It's true Yeah, you know, it's not that small. You're fucking thriving stuff Yeah, I mean, you're hitting all the notes fat girl big fat tits that she doesn't shut up about true That's my favorite is a big fat girl when they brag about their boobs are so big. Yeah, it's like listen We're hanging out with you because you have a car. No, some of them have little titties It's true, but they're all that is really alarming also when you see a big big old guy with some small Maybe they have big ass a big ass though. I mean, of course, they have a thing

But if you go over to that stuff when they don't that's the funniest Just look like Dr. Robotnik Oh, yeah, they put pigtails and they look like Dr. Robotnik. I'm glad we've never had a shot with a single white guy Yeah, but oh, but yeah, I having said that It is nice if that's kind of how the world worked out and in fact, it's funny because it's like you almost think Because there is so much manipulation and Contrast in the way that that the elites are they're like, they're like, well, what are we doing after slavery now that you know? They're like, I've noticed that some of the white women are becoming disgusting

So you think this is part of Jim Crow. Yeah, they're like hold on fellas. I got a plan here Is there gonna be gonna take about 200 years? But we're gonna slowly invent a type of music called rap See, I would say no ass no titties is more the purview of this of a short Hispanic man Sure, but I'm talking about just like a big fat disgusting You know a big old gal. I I think I like a plus-size cutie man Even honestly, I've busted the quickest look if we don't do something about these ugly women They're gonna start wanting the right to vote

This is pre women's We need to get we need to get all colored friends in on these are late Elizabeth Katie stand There but this all started with them trying to dig down Elizabeth So good that you would forget about women's suffrage. Okay. All right. I'm in it. Yeah Wow, this is really little uncovering the conspiracies left and right little did Elizabeth catty ECS seems like I don't know if she was a fan of dick She seems like an early less an early lesbian that guy coming back in the meeting bad news folks They just fucking each other

And it's worse than we thought You would think that would satisfy them, but they won't even more Trying to take away the liquor and become President is this plugged I just kicked it who's what is this plugged? I just kicked it. Yeah, it's plugged. It's still going It's this. Yeah, okay. He's still going here. So go man. Don't I kicked it in the light came on. So I wasn't sure what light the Display oh interesting Just check if it's like back. Don't tell me what the fuck to do man. I'm suggesting just like I'll do it I'll do it cuz you're my friend. It's definitely plugged in. Okay. All right

Who is the other bitch with the Elizabeth caddy Stan doesn't even have batteries in it anymore? So it died immediately. There was another bitch, right? Yeah, there was a lot of them Not that's just one bitch that was like I'll let me know the ass suffered but they were there was a duo It was Elizabeth caddy Stan and somebody else. I don't know. This is like I remember learning this like and I remember they were Beefing with Frederick Douglass grade Douglas was saying no the bitches can't vote no cuz he was like look I get it But let black guys vote first And they're like come on dude. Is that true? That's a hundred percent true damn He was like I'm on the team. I want you to vote, but come on bitch. Give me a fucking. Let us get some that's old school

I like that. Yeah, I like why feminists were trying to get it swoop in when they're trying to give black That's right. That's right. You know a lot of Pelosi's Elizabeth Retweeting this Indian girl today that was early yesterday. It was like white women are equally responsible for The white supremacy is as white men or whatever and then all of these people retweeting it. It's like they're gonna come for you too Go ahead Go ahead roll that ball. You got time though. Yeah. Yeah. Oh not a lot I think more than you think well, I'd say and I've made this point before I feel like Indian people are where white people were at in

Like 1993 in terms of their relationship with blacks exactly, you know, you're you are a hundred percent correct The Indian dudes are all like I don't see color. Yeah, whatever and then the women are like, you know, they're supposed to be our boyfriends Yes They're like they've got all Indian guys are just David Faustino. Who's David Faustino bud from Married with children. Oh, that's true. We started his own rap career. Yes. Yeah, that is true It's also like five one a lot of in the yes We are in the age of Indian people just being allowed to steal everything from black people right now. We got Color me Baghdad

Haha, where they're at right now, but that's still a lot of time, bro That is literally what they say to women it seems like they've colored me bad stole that from an Indian guy No, I think they heard they heard him say I think there's some sort of synergy there I think it's just No, dude, once again the underlying structure is to support this entire system make themselves a parent. Mm-hmm Sweet they want to sex you up. It's all cyclical. Yes, sir. It's all just different iterations of the same thing. Mm-hmm As you know, what happens to white people a lot of people talk about white genocide. That's fine. Yeah, why not? Who cares? Mm-hmm. I think it would be cool if we evolved into

You know, maybe bad maybe regressed we're back in that we become monkeys again. Well Some reptiles rep. That's a lot of regret. That's a lot of Yeah, that's a lot of do you imagine how jealous people would be if we just got to be like fucking just laying around on the sun Yeah, yeah, yeah, sunning our little bellies, right laying eggs That'd be great. I'll be awesome. You wouldn't have to date you just get to fucking bust guys on top of an egg or whatever You guys don't lay eggs in the dinosaur commuter. Oh wait, do you still have to fuck if they lay eggs? I think the bitches still lay the egg. I think you got to fuck them first Just like birds fuck each other and then the woman lays an egg. Would you be a pterodactyl or a t-rex?

Fuck that's a great question. I would say pterodactyl just majestically flying. Yeah, that'll be tight It's funny because it's like I want to be a little less scientist decided they're like t-rex That's the baddest the most badass one. We're giving it the coolest name and it's like If if you didn't name all the dinosaurs and I was just looking at them. I'd be like that one looks Yeah, middling. Yeah, you can't jack off. Be be minus. It's got stupid arms Yeah, it's got a big head, but you know, maybe it's joys that fucking why was it named Rex? It could fuck everyone up because it was the other biggest like at the time the biggest like vicious They found bigger motherfuckers

I guess and that but they don't even fucking know when they're naming them that must some mother fucker in the 40s Probably or whatever the 1840s probably found his ass some Dutch guy. I was like, this is the best one Yeah, and it's like no motherfucker. There's gonna be a ton more dinosaurs. No, it's probably yeah, you know what I mean Yeah, I know what you mean. You can't just fucking dig up a bone and be like this is the fucking Coolest dinosaur of all time. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's what I'm saying if you fuck once You can't declare yourself the guy that fucks the best Yeah, well, they got a black lady is James Bond now. That's what I am talking about That's right, brother

Here's my biggest doing it to make people mad so that this the James Bond fans will be like we got to protect James Bond It was just like Lady Marvel or whatever it was called how that they encouraged Marvel fans to go on IMDB to like defeat the trolls that hadn't even been trolling yet You know who tried that before everyone was George Lucas Don't say Jar Jar Binks. No movie Red Wings. Oh Yeah Coming out. He's like if you don't like this movie racist, right? It was about the Tuskegee Airman, right?

Yeah, yeah, he just said it like just he made that movie. Yeah, he's like you're you're a racist piece of shit It must have just been shitty, right? It was garbage. Yeah, otherwise it probably would have taken off. Sure Who was in it? I feel like it was a good cast to Lawrence Fishburne. I remember the movie Denzel, Washington Sydney, Portia Peebo Bryson DMX My friend Brandon from middle school, yeah The kiss my bumper

Howard G the red the red suit and high fella. Mm-hmm Jonathan Ogden the crows from song of the south. No, not them. They weren't in it Um Clinton porters now, I'm thinking of an eastern motorist commercial Ray Lewis, yeah, these two motors Your job Joe credit. Mm-hmm Pork chop a DJ from 92 Q. Mm-hmm. Okay case Swift before she died What's it gonna say? Oh the black lady is James Bond now listen, I don't whatever my only concern one said like no I'm more disappointed that those movies can't be like consistently good when I was a kid Goldeneye like I was like

Damn, yeah, amazing. But yeah, most of them are bad. You don't get that anymore Moon raker was sick. Goal. I mean moon raker came out and fucking what 1971 I'm just saying there's the minority of them were actually good movies Most of them pretty mission impossible ones go gold fingers every single one gold fingers good from Russia with loves good Moon rakers Moon rakers sick. It's about that guy. He wants to make a premises. He's a not wants to make an Arian race on the moon Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's a great idea. Yeah To frame a guy he's sort of like an anti-hero. Mm-hmm. I think it's somebody with like noble or sympathetic

I don't know about this sort of like the villain from the rock. Mm-hmm. Yes, Ed Harris Who wants to kill everyone in San Francisco? Because Because the government won't give VA benefits to is that what the plot of the rock is? Yeah, you like kidnap They like the government's denying VA benefits to people that they Did to troops that were like illegally deployed and so he's basically John Stewart with 9-11 guys Yeah, kind of yeah, and we celebrate John Stewart for that. Mm-hmm, and we demean Ed Harris Yeah, you see that hmm. What's the difference? You rather give me $25 a month or I'm gonna blow up San Francisco and all the faggots in it

Oh, it should have been the rock. You're absolutely right. That's kind of those. I was trying to do it Harris Oh, I thought you were doing your the rock. Oh, yeah, I guess it's very similar. Yeah, they're very close Plus it would be less confusing. Yeah, if the rock starred in the rock Dwayne the rock Johnson and they it's about Ed Harris my good friend of mine a very talented actor. He takes over my ass And he's holding his dick. He's holding San Francisco hostage with my dick That would have been a good move Yeah They're Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery have to

Fly a boat into my ass Sean Connery is the only person ever escaped my ass You guys saw that when Colin Powell went to the UN to say that their weapons of mass destruction in Iraq Like one of the schematics and I'm pretty sure is when Colin Powell went one of the schematics were like those green balls From the weapon in the rock. Do you remember seeing where like Nicholas Cage needs to like dive and like catch one of the balls? Was that you know, there's like a nerve agent in the yeah, yeah But like that it was just use screen caps from that movie No, I guess they just use the designs from an awesome from a weapon that does and if you see here

And it's just like maybe it was Colin Powell. I might be miss mistaken He just also has like that Catherine Zeta-Jones going over all those red wires also you can see here the kinds of security were up against I Would just love it if it was nothing, but fucking shit from movies Catherine Zeta-Jones isn't in the rock No, I know I'm saying indifferent. There's different watching iconic shit. I've been having like a heavy 97 to 99 Infatuation film why wait, did you watch? Eyes wide shut because people say that there's a deleted Bill Clinton scene or Prince. Well, I watch it because abstein. I mean yeah, because the Epstein Yeah, is it about a scene? Basically, it's about elites that have like a secret fucking society and Tom Cruise acts

I only discovers it and then they they're like threatening to kill him Yeah, wait like people have been linking that and also they say that Kubrick died because he was uncovering pedophilia Oh hell yeah, Nicole Kidman's dad was accused of molesting a girl. He was like some higher high Like Sydney upper-crust fucking like psychiatrist or whatever damn that's all it takes to be in the elite in Australia It was raping a child to have a college. You just have to fucking be a psychiatrist I think he was gonna be a billionaire around here. They can just be a dentist and rape children, but They didn't earn it. You're right

Yeah, no, he was accused and then fled the country and died of a heart attack. Whoa heart attack gun. Yeah, but a Lot of people say that the reason Kubrick cast them is to destroy Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage is revenge for her father being part of one of these These cults. Yeah, didn't you break molested? What was his what was his motivation there looks molested? Yeah, I think it's just an ugly guy. Um, I did he I did read or something or see or whatever I don't know where the fuck I saw it, but that He like would fuck with them during like he wouldn't let them see each other and he would like lie to one of the you know Yeah, you like different information fuck with their marriage for sure. Yeah, he was fucking a cool kid man

Yeah, make time. Yeah, he was stressed Tom Cruise out. I mean they had this movie is so fucking they shot for like 400 days straight What? Yeah, they shot it in London, too. They like built New York City on a soundstage in London. What the fuck really? Yeah, didn't it like all the exteriors look like they're in New York, but it's London They didn't how long they shoot for for real like 400 days in a row Shut what it's an amazing over a year. Yeah, that's insane Yeah, it fucked up Tom Cruise like, you know, he was at the height of his career Yeah, you could have shot like three other movies exactly and made like probably like fucking 15 million dollars Yeah, and then you know that was like the movie you like derailed his career. That's wild. Yeah, I mean he bounced back nicely

Oh, of course I mean he's still I thought that the Church of Scientology was trying to split them up I Mean maybe I don't know I thought that miss cabbage thought that Nicole Kimmon was was keeping him away. She's so hot She's so hot. Her titties are so nice when she's getting changed at the beginning of that movie I always feel like I'm seeing old friends. Yeah, just a nice pair. I haven't seen the movie But I have jacked off to that scene. I saw a perfect pair of tits I would fucking in a movie recently really destroy that bitch

Good back then now. She's ruined. I kind of want to I kind of like redhead. Now. She's she's holding on She's keeping it tight. Yeah, I'm here. Here's me. Here's Nicole Kimmon on the desktop click and I'm dragging her to the trash Not me ladies, I wanted to be known And then we're gonna go hit the Apple thing and the trash Well, you're not even good. You're gonna completely get her off the hard drive secure empty trash click done And then here's me. That's the sound and then he put my hands on your laptop. He puts his laptop in the microwave Let's not be ridiculous. I need that computer. Yeah, I'm gonna hurt my computer You pour soda wait now hold on you said something about perfect titties

I saw a perfect pair of titties in a movie and Rip Torn's dick is also in that movie. Hell, yeah I said that the man who fell to earth the Nicholas rogue film Starring David Bowie and whose titties were them rip torn plays a college professor and he fucks one of his students And she is perfect if you can shock my dick you can fuck my ass Rest in peace to the God, of course We should we should say rest in peace RIP to the God, dude. And if anyone wants already in fucking Larry Sanders show that was the best. He's so fucking good in that the best My favorite character in that show is Hank's agent like the 97 year old

Thank fucking rules Hank is is my you know Hank He's such a fucking loser. You know Hank tried to get invited to the child rape parties and wasn't cool Hey now, can I have sex with children, please? I'm thinking about that scene with Sean Rouse and men in black, too. So funny. It's it makes no sense. None whatsoever Why was his agent being like this is gonna be good for you is one line that happens a random amount with comedians Yeah, I feel like like Damien lemon was inspired. He was a taxi driver and one of the spider-man's He's also just like a fucking guy in jail in the night up really fucking John tutorial is like Who Damien lemon, you know, you don't have any Damien. You don't have any options

It's not looking good for you, you know, and then it's just cuz of Damien lemon being like all right. All right Yeah, yes, oh, it's like real short wasn't Martha Kelly also in the last spider-man she was in the news Zach Alfonaca show, but she was like a star. Yeah, but I think she was like a security guard in Spider-man for some reason that's probably a good check pretty cool. I want to be in that shit Yeah, I would say whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, help me spider-man. I'm fucking I'm a bitch I'm gay is small Sir just be sit there looking fat, please you don't have to say I'm ready to be a cameo comedian. Yeah

That's a great. Yeah, damn. What actually speaking of cameo. They've all been they have they've been trying to get you too What they've been hitting stop and I up about we do cameo. I think it's $42,000 Yeah, if I put it like an outrageous sum of money, but then people would just say like say the n-word Let's not pretend like we're not all just going to be on cameo in four years. Yeah for five dollars Yeah, people are gonna pay a clip. Yeah, people are gonna play this clip but getting a job I've tasted yeah, right nectar is too sweet. Yeah, right motherfuckers. I'm in Baltimore I'm working part-time at Sherwin Williams on a paid-off house. That's what I'm doing in four years New life, dude settling down with your brothers live with my brother 50% is CBD

I'm smoking the remedy that strain of weed remedy. I love that shit as you named after the Jason Maras song Yes, it makes you feel just as good as you feel listening to that song. I'm putting on my little fedora, dude I'm just fucking jamming Jason Maras. The remedy is if something fuck, it's a dangerous liaison At Jewish summer camp At summer camp they had a rapper come They had a rapper come visit us at camp. Hell yeah, they said this guy is a Wu-Tang clan affiliate Hell yeah, who was it? Which is like there's like a hundred of those yeah, yeah, and it's like most of them are lying anyway

Yeah, and it was a Jewish rapper named remedy and his song and he there's so many of those guys in New York Like you if you make the mistake of talking to your Lyft driver, and he's not from Africa. Yeah, or you know Yes I was affiliated with Wu-Tang clan I'm an affiliate. Yeah, but anyway his song is the affiliate is like quickstar Quick in what sense, you know, it's like a pyramid scheme. I Don't know what quickstar is. It's an amway herbal life. Yeah You think it's a

Yeah, they got a bunch of them They got eldest knew a guy who was like I think semi-mentally retarded and he was a cousin of Old dirty bastard, huh? No, he worked at a record store with some guy who was like half retarded and so funny and claimed it claimed to be Record store manic pixie dream girl. No, I mean he was in high school. I'm such a high fidelity Maybe you should check out this He was absolutely not meeting manic pixie dream girls. I'll tell you that much right now partner that movie They used to kick me in the balls when I was 12 white gardens day. No

Never seen it. I Used to get so sad that Jack black and John Q sec Yeah, yeah, there's a girl. They're they date each one of the exes is a very fine You like put your dick through the record into my ass and then it's not gay Fucking the record man You love music don't you man, we're all just gonna fuck records anyways Jack black is that the one where he puts the thing over at the boombox over his head He knows that's that's anything Jack black. Well, what the fuck there's two movies with John Q second music

Mm-hmm. How about a movie? That's called a lot of movies have been using music Many brother Movies have songs in them While people are eating no, okay. First of all, how dare you try and make my Central to the plot is music One's a record store ones boombox. Sorry Nick. Go ahead. It's a movie called fuck anything John Q sec holding up the boombox and then we cut to the bedroom window and then into the frame Just this huge fat

She's just like moving the big drapes aside and looking at him from his place He fucks her and then touchstone He goes next door to an even fad or ugly or lady He has one yeah, he bucks an old lady without a leg Fuck anything Hell yeah, dude. That's a good one. He's a kickboxer in that movie. Really? Yeah and say anything Yeah, I thought that was like I don't remember that movie way too cool He doesn't look like a kickboxer. I can fuck him up. Didn't he tweet that he wanted to meet Amber or something?

Yeah, he did. That's pretty yeah, I would love to really love to plow that that Moonfish Whoops who's the big lip bitch from chopper He ends up fucking Matt. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that would be a cute couple honestly my Chris would have John Q Say I would stand. I would ship them. I would give them a I'll give them a combined. Oh my ass That's Matt getting fucked. Yeah, that's that's my Matt getting fucked in the ass Getting pissed

Stop it Yeah, they clear out an ISO for Matt to do a rant about getting fucked in the ass. I love that guy, dude. I Wonder like You think you sex got strong big game or years of being doing drugs and shit in Hollywood and seeming kind of crazy No, he's definitely fucks. He's 78 years old. Damn. I heard he's on Raya. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's why I'm trying to get on there. I thought you're already on there. I'm trying to get on there Why don't you just use Tinder? No, I need the upper echelon of these Instagram. I think yeah, that is the way I would ever become single. I would

Seek out a new app. That's just for trash People that are yeah, just scum broken people. Yeah, yeah twisted clown That's the only women with those little ribbons on the back of their thighs. Yeah can be in it You have to scan or self-harmed scars like a fucking barcode No scars no neck tattoo. Nope. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, there's got to be a certain Mm-hmm. There's criteria to join this shit. Mm-hmm We need to see your on the the bottle of pills your Zoloft that you haven't taken for Four weeks in a row. Yeah, but that bitch on whole loft. It's in the south. They got different medicines

Ain't nobody in the South taking no damn medicine Just fry up some shit. Oh, you need it summertime. That's the answer Shit everybody had a kiddie pool whole thing filled with cause like I Would love for you to just write this higher Someone just just watch him do it. Yeah, book out Madison Square Garden No, dude, just look like a little, you know, 80s 80 seat thing and yeah, just like Carolina There's like a an ironically racist Roman Emperor At the Coliseum

Like making some black I do I'm high-enslaved cat Williams and I'm making him do my material An audience of 30,000 people Are you not entertain Some woman feeding me grapes feed him the lions I Think that that would be probably more demeaning having to do stand up then fighting to the death I would like people respected gladiators. It's a movie gladiator, but instead of like Russell Crowe being forced to be a gladiator He's forced to be a part of the universe soul That's what fucking

Marcus Aurelius like watching Jamel has got a good Russell Crowe in blackface Hope well first they killed my wife, and then they raped my son They raped and killed my son and killed my wife, and now I'm a black clown They make him do improv That's that's embarrassing dude. I saw a fucking Spanish language improv poster. Yeah, and I was like, okay, maybe Who's it was the last movie of somebody? Who?

It's Lawrence Olivia. No was an improver Yeah, no no no an actor the last last movie was gladiator. Oh Yeah, yeah, the the the slave owner who's a former former gladiator What's that actor's name? I forget that guy's name. It wasn't Lawrence Olivia. It wasn't it was Oliver Platt no that guy's alive Oliver It was something he was from Puss in Boots. I don't know. I keep thinking Peter a tool because it's neither of them

Peter a tool is would be a good name for some of the big-ass dick An Irish man. He's just got he's got a big old tool. Mm-hmm Gladiator fucking rocked it used to rock. Yeah, it no longer rocks. I saw that rewatching it. No shut up It's bad shut up. It's bad. You're lying. Try Don't make me fuck if I watch it. I love it. I'm gonna be so fucking pissed dude It was so the first time I saw it. It was so exalt exhilarating. I Was so happy when it won best picture. I was like I remember watching with my mom which is such a specific kind of gay child to be I mean

That's their favorite as young is presumably straight. Yeah, and just like yeah Fucking love I don't think I honestly I don't think I've ever watched the Oscars. I've caught bits and pieces, but I've never been No, I can I've watched it. Yeah, never. I went to a Golden Globes party one time Oh, yeah, I was dating a girl that had a lot of gay friends. Yeah, gay guys love award shows Yeah, and they're all sitting there and you know look at their little trophies just being like, oh Not about to say this This is fucking gay, you know, and then you say that and then people are like, what's that supposed to mean?

You know, you're like, I don't know you could say it was gay in there because it is legitimately gay They gay guys like the Oscars because they think the statue is hot. Hmm. Yeah, that's what they're into it get those roasted Yeah, which is a boring as fuck. They're pretty boring I like when they people have like meltdowns like Meryl Streep had a meltdown a couple years ago. Yeah at Trump I was pretty funny. Well, no, no, some shit that everyone that wasn't Meryl Streep That was fucking no Meryl Streep's like mr. Trump. We're gonna get you know, there was no that Robert De Niro said fuck He's that was awesome. First of all, Francis McDormand had the funniest where she's like she was drunk

Quit any project that doesn't have a diversity rider that says that 50% of everyone who works on the movie is black You know and then like that night she called the police on a black guy. He went to jail. Oh, yeah There's a yeah, there was a black guy at her house of stealing of stealing her Yeah, that's real. Yeah. Oh That's real Damn, that's so funny. That's Joel. Joel Cohen seems like the chillest guy though. Like how could you handle that? Maybe she sucks dick like everybody bitch fuck up here now. Yeah The bitches don't fuck up in the south

Shit you fuck up. Yeah She's one of the mess you're doing y'all come smirnoff Yeah, yeah, yeah, that whole sin bad specialist. It's just y'all come spirit off. Yeah at one point He's like, yeah, no, he is like there's one line in it where it's like in the 70s. You get hit by a car get right back up It's just bed space and time Much heavier and less safe. Yeah, the cars Sedan was four thousand pounds Mm-hmm. Yeah fucking sin bad. Come see his motherfucker. Mm-hmm. We'll tune your ass up

I'll beat sin bad high yellow ass sin bad. He's a great comic though. Yeah, I do Specials would be great What was I just gonna say? I had I had one day when I was like 20 where I like I got real high I'm like dude. I'm gonna watch Steve Harvey and sin bad to make fun of it. And then I'm like Oh, yeah, this is great Like all right, they're good. They're much better comedy than I watch comedy is garbage Yeah, I watched family feud last night for the first time in a long time and he's great Dude, you know what? Can I be honest? That's my real career goal is to be a game show host to be the host

Oh, yeah, I would love that. I was I do like a disgusted look at an old woman making a sexual And you know this you dirty girl. We're all gonna be on game the one in the 70s way the family If you got in the 70s used to like just hook up with them. I'm gonna be on a show called deal or more deal Just a game show where he haggles with the contestants. Yeah How much I'm gonna know it's jeopardy and then somebody's gonna, you know, I'll be like, you know But after exploding and fucking 1980 whatever fucking, you know, be like, boo, what's Mount St. Helena or whatever? And then I'll be like, whoo, that's a tough one. I guess. Oh, I guess. Yeah, that's yeah, you got it I guess you got it. Yeah. I know I was thinking something different

Because there was the other one like just read the next question I'm fucking I'm the host other fuckers who the fuck are these judges? Anyways, you're never even on camera Who's that the jeopardy judge like the jeopardy judges need to live in secrecy in case what somebody comes to their house kills them Be like change your fucking opinion about the way that's pronounced When did they go to the judges, bro? There's no judge. There's some fucking Intern with a wikipedia just a Jewish camera at a producer or something. Yeah, cuz they'll say things and then Oh, if they're gonna accept it or not. Yeah, cuz it's close Show me having sex

Name something you shove in your vagina. It gets hard and release your sperm If they let me write the questions to Oh, they set him up Yeah, they're like what's something that's long and hard that you love sucking on And then the family will like They'll be like a penis and then Steve Harvey's like, I can't believe this. Yeah, I love in God's house I Love it, dude. Yeah, they really set his ass up my favorite fucking

Mad TV jokes, so then they would do Louis Anderson. There's a Frank Callie endo is Louis Anderson Oh, yeah, the movie was wool sasso. I can't it was wool sasso. Yeah, baby All right, there's me for you, you know, and then like there's one time where his pants just fall down To pull his pants back up they just fall down Dude mad mad mad magazine is over Mad magazine is over now or some shit, and I just remember I remember reading as a kid and being like what the fuck is Where the fuck is Stuart this shit fucking sucks? No one's talking like a Chinese

He's not funny dude, yeah, it's funny that Trump calls Mayor Pete Alfred That is a good ass roast. That's a good burn. That's better than most of his parents Yeah, I should just I should find a way if anybody knows anybody at the White House that During the debates, you'll hire me to write roast jokes for Trump You want to be on the staff? That is the only writing credit I want is the guy who wrote roast jokes for Donald Trump for the debates and see if we can get him to Only treat it as a roast a roast battle probably that would be great. Yeah I'm sure Shane Gillis would be on board. Oh Shane's already got yeah

Yeah, the only reason you're not gonna get the job is because Shane's been fucking well It's a writer's for it dude. They hire multiple. Okay. You're right. Yeah Still though, I think Shane wants it to be the only guy would be me and Shane and then at per usual five Jewish men with the torsos of Like a melting Easter Bunny Those guys are good. Yeah They know what they're doing. Yeah They've been writing since fucking cheers

Yeah Do something That's we say Elizabeth Warren should get raped But you you make it clear that only because she's a Native American and that'll complete her identity Okay, that's a funny joke. You know the only thing very funny. Yeah, so this is a direction. I'm thinking No, I'm thinking something like You know, it's like Elizabeth Warren, you know, she wants, you know, oh, she's a Native American Why cuz she got raped by John Smith

You know, maybe we can say something. Yeah, okay We'll put that over in the maybes Maurice All right, Morty, yeah Damn well, you know what I'm gonna join fucking Kamala Kamala Harris is writing stuff Oh, you are it's gonna just be fucking zings and shit. Mm-hmm I love it. It's gonna be clap clap back. Oh, I'm gonna do clap backs Kamala Harris is you know She's they probably needs Need her to do clap backs, you know

Did you see that tweet from the democratic party if Trump got like a clap back Yeah, like a little like manicured a hand on a wand and he used it to touch Kamala's hair during the debate That's just gentle gently like caress her hair while she's trying to speak. That's beautiful 15 feet away She's like, can you stop doing that he's like, I'm gonna do whatever I want. I'm president Tell you stop man president beautiful hair Just yeah, just delicately comb it behind there. I love it. But why are you here's great. She's trying to speak I'm not touching Just using the wand do the what I'm not touching

When I was having gay sex in the military I learned that racism the only cure for it is the rap lyrics This finger What I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you I like this because it's Trump is basically attending the democratic debates They would be so much better Trump just got to drop if he dropped in he got he just got to do a quick They should give him a little like a little Trump corner. Damn that does suck He's only gonna. I want to see him go against all these freaks. You know, that would be great Yeah, I feel like he should ride one eat a broad rec on to the stage

Well, didn't he bring her to the debate right as another woman? No, he brought like yeah, he brought a bunch of Pretty the debate. It was crazy. Yeah, what a fucking kid. That's how you become president, baby Yeah, it was he it was a good. It was a chess move Yeah, it's gonna be so satisfying when he wins again Yeah, I mean it'll suck Yeah, it already sucks things suck the world sucks, but it's like and it has yet There is a shout in Florida and seeing all of these people who think they're making a difference on Twitter I thought all these people are like, I just want to let you know that I am boycotting Amazon today in solidarity with the

It's like, okay, so you postponed the fucking errand for a day. Yeah to buy toilet paper You're not gonna not use you're not gonna. Yeah, right undo your prime account Yeah, right use the shit how much shit you fucking rely on mm-hmm Amazon. Absolutely. It's also like it's meaningless like that's such like a Like a fourth grade understanding of like all of the systems that your life are built upon or built upon like exploitation, oh It's like oh turns out Amazon's bad. It's like you have course. They're bad, right? Mm-hmm. Everything is fucking. What's going on? There's a strike people the workers are striking or some shit yeah, cuz well the

AWS contracts with fucking like INS. I think that might be the issue or the web services Oh, I think it's about the workers are going on strike because didn't they give $15? What is it concession? Yeah, I thought a couple months ago like they're like barely letting people go to the bathroom right shit, but Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's like What are you gonna you're gonna stop Amazon? They fucking control the post office The only other person ever to win a war with the post office is me Yeah, it's just you and Amazon. It's only me and so I guess you're the you're the only one who can fucking defeat The only two powerful forces and what are you gonna do? You know what the fuck the post office started Paul Revere

Mm-hmm. It goes all the way back to the founding fathers So when you beat the post office, it's like you're punching George Washington in the face Yeah, you don't want to do that to fucking the press. Yeah motherfucking here's what I'm doing Not only am I not buying from Amazon? I'm fucking returning shit Yeah, and that's how you stick it to those motherfucking returning things to Amazon that you didn't you weren't gonna use it. Yeah Yeah, I do need to return something. I'm super boy. I just reminded me. I'm super boycotting Mm-hmm returning shit. I'm only using Aliexpress. I want all my money going to the Chinese. Yeah That's how you're in you want those fact. That's an acceleration

Stance right guys who really understand people's rights. They really you want to talk about bathroom breaks God damn imagine what the fucking What what that fucking factory looks like in a Ali express just piss everywhere. It looks like hell. Yeah There's just fire. I'm jealous to be honest with you. That's where you want to live. Yeah And the alley Ali Baba Express. I want to live in a discovery zone That would be cool. You know what I mean? Take a rope swing down to the pizza Play some fucking in place. I'm fucking a ski ball and shit. Mm-hmm Did you guys ever have that fantasy of having like an adult treehouse like when you're a grown-up like

Okay, just me or I was scared of heights So I didn't I wanted to have like a luxury bachelor pad. Oh, yeah. No, there's as a child There's nothing I wanted more than like a fucking entire treehouse village. Yeah My friends houses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is a network of trees. I don't I yeah I just wanted I wanted actually underground shit. I wanted walkie-talkies and underground The bookcase that flips around that you know what I mean you pull the book scooby-doo shit style go down Take a slide. So cool. Take a slide down to the subterranean layer. Mm-hmm. Hell. Yeah, dude Big big-ass basement. Huge best friends with monkeys. Yeah or moles

Oh, I see what you're saying you want a jungle situation that was that was my dream when I saw Swiss family Robinson I thought that was the coolest shit. Yeah, the King Louis scene in In jungle book. I was like fuck. I would give anything to be King Louis. Yeah I would love to just be a baritone jazz-singering Jack's out in front of women what yeah with a trans bear that's tricking me Transgendered bear that's tricking me to steal fire. Oh, is that what blue was that? No, I think blue is because they have they have Mowgli and King Louis wants Mowgli because he wants Mowgli to teach him how fire works

And then like blue has to go get Mowgli back from King Louis by sucking his cock But putting on lipstick by pretending to be a monkey. So he puts on the coconut mouth To look like an ape, but then also dresses like a woman for something He just throws the trans thing in there. Yeah, dude. He serves that ass. Well, he wants to be a hot lady monkey I want to walk like you. I want to talk like you. I want to chop my cock off like you All right, man cub now show me how to make fire. I'll fuck you in your ass. Oh God damn it, dude, I've been sick for like fucking five days I'm weak, dude. Mm-hmm. I'm going to die

From a minor ass respiratory thing You got a summer cold. Oh folks I announced today that I will be at the Lodge room in Highland Park, Los Angeles California on the 30 From the 29th of August as I put posted links on Twitter And on Instagram, and I'm gonna be in San Diego the night before but the link isn't live. So Let you know when that's out and I'm excited. I'll I'm gonna I'll get some Some buddies to open some hot boy summer suck at him off here out there. It'll be fun. Give him some head

I am looking forward to a nice trip out to smell a school. It'd be great, man Go get some tight ramen and little Tokyo. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's the thing that is nice about LA is it's the fucking best guy Little Tokyo is tight in LA. LA has such good food and it has every well Queens also has such good Now that we have cars we can go any time we want you go to flushing. I've been going to Elmhurst There's a fucking there's a fucking Tie place in Elmhurst that I had the other night that was banging. I would love to check that We should go we should all go. I love that shit, dude I love going to Queens has like literally every type of ethnic group awesome and like it's all middle-class, too

I love dude. I love living in Queens. Honestly, it's the honestly. I kind of I'm done with this come through bro I'm done with it. I'm through King Louis was voiced by Louis prima in the original 1967 film initially the filmmakers considered Louis Armstrong for the role, but to avoid the likely controversy that would Casting a black person to voice an ape. They instead chose Prima a white singer Christopher Walken voice King Louis in the live action Wow, that's very funny. Yeah, the live the one they just did. Yeah, so it's a month It's like it looks like an actual monkey and it's like Listen, do whatever you want. I'm just saying if you have fire

Give me a little taste No, I'm an ape. I'm a fucking monkey. No, I'm a ape of some kind Listen, I can't be precise, but I would say that I am some kind of ape If I had to guess looking at my own visage my physiognomy in my reflection It would appear that I have become some type of bastard ape Some type of big bastard ape so in the reboot. He's fucking he's been transformed. I've been transformed From the guy from true romance It's a pleasure for being racist. It's now I have to be a Mulan Yan character myself

I'm gonna die, dude I will not be in cat. I'll be in a different part of Cali Oakland smokeland on the fucking 24th, please buy tickets to that. I'm also gonna be in Rochester August 3rd coming up. So please buy tickets to that motherfucker. Then I'm gonna be in Boston on the 16th and 17th Like I said Oakland on the 24th and then Seattle on the 29th and Portland on the 30th It's not gonna be a hot boy summer for me So send all the pussy over to Adam, please. Yeah, it's a hot hot guy summer Is that the mean hot girl summer hot girl? What does that mean that you're just feeling yourself make the stallion?

No, she's so the rapper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's so hot that I thought it was a porn star that became a rapper Oh, and then it's like no, she's just a hot-ass lady. She's good at rapping. She's great at rap. Yeah, big fan blapping. I Love blapping. What's black? No, I don't know. I was making myself laugh too hard the other day though That's an auto sensor, you know that shit's bad, bro, I Want to get head from you let me tell you it was getting me good. I Want to suck dick like you oh Oh, yeah, and as always you can go to

Come dot town of I will be restocking shirts this week right now. I only have things in small but the I will be restocking I got all those new shirts up and Yeah, they're good They're not dropshipping anymore. I'm like getting the shirts printed. I look at them I make sure they're not shitty Nick's eyes touch them his hands. Yeah, dude This is a labor of fucking love. You'll get a couple beard particles in that shit It's also I'm trying to make this my day job

Yep, you know makes opening a t-shirt shop because I do need a day job, but I want to main remain self-employed I love it. You're basically gonna open up your abracadabra. You're gonna open up your own Spencers, dude Yeah, I kind of want to do it's funny because I'm so irony-poisoned. I have been like making like weed shirts like hot topics Hot topic weed shirts, but like trying it because I'm like, what's the worst? I would wear the weed pranos one. Yeah What's the worst shirt I could think of and that's so much funnier to me than of course a good shirt a good shirt like a pun Yeah, you draw. Yeah, we donalds made me laugh. I was very funny for like a day And then it's so funny because it's like I post it on Instagram and you get all these comments from people like shouldn't The M be upside down. It's like don't it shut the fuck up. Yeah, don't shut the fuck up you idiot

You don't yeah, please don't ever listen to the show Yeah, yeah, you really don't You really don't get what we're doing here You should make a suck more dickish shirt. Yeah, I should make a suck more dickish I would wear that I'll tell you that much. Yeah, suck more dick. You suck more dick. Yes. Yeah All right. Well Come see us at funny moms on money moms on the 20 seconds coming up right now and come see me Every Tuesday at the stand fat Tuesdays