The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 165 – Epstein murdered

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

Case closed

Check, check, check. Pussy check. How's this sound? It's fine. Count. Okay. Fine, everything's always fine. There we go.

Cock, cock. Is she good? Yeah, everything's fine. Do you have a timer going? Yeah. Oh, I got it. Suck me like drogba. Suck my penis like drogba.

Well, are we going? Yeah. Oh, okay. Hey, welcome to come. Hello, everyone. And welcome to come town. Boys, do you see anything different? Look.

Oh. It's fake. But I got another fake one. You've lost 200 pounds. I didn't notice it until you said that, but you're 200. That's right. Stop is 115 pounds.

Yes. I feel bad actually. Yeah, dude. I'm amazing. Yeah. Look how big my dick is though. Zip. Zip.

You just made a pat sound on your thigh. No, that was my big ass dick. That was my big dick. It was a pat sound. Congrats, bro. I mean, it's really weird. Stop going like 600 pound life in the Iranian guys. I don't have a real one.

I know. The Iranian guy's like, he's come here because he wants his penis to small. He wants his penis to look bigger. So we are going to cut his stomach off. But first he needs to spend three weeks not eating pizza rolls. So we are going to film him. Maybe being bad, have one, maybe two pizza rolls.

And he cry. And we videotape him cry. And then we put it on TV. And then he come back. And when he come back, we say, you are very bad fat boy. But we will do the surgery anyway. Do they have a doc? I've never seen that show.

Oh, yeah. It's this Iranian guy. Every single episode, the show should just be called San Antonio. Yeah. All of those gastric bypass centers are in Texas. Oh, yeah. I mean, they always go to the same one in like Houston or whatever. In Houston, yeah.

They get some guy that's like Ibrahim Nazarado. You know, some Iranian guy that only does gastric bypass. But he's got this like reserved affect. And he's always like, you know, she is a very fat. I remember there was one day, there was a staff goes on the show. And he's like, yeah, I'm just trying to get him. I want my dick bigger. I want my dick looking huge.

I want it to look huge. And then they do, he loses all the weight. And it's he still has a small dick. And then the doctor's like, well, it has been a success, at least in terms of prolonging our life. And stuff's just in tears. He's like, I just want to be fat. Yeah.

Make me fat again. Six months later. Served me back. Stove has turned me back. Gained back all of the weight plus 400 pounds. And it's cause to his shitty house in Texas with no furniture. It's fine. It's all those people are so poor.

Yeah. And they always have like a feeder too. They always have someone that's like, like a mother who like lost the last child as a baby. All of their houses. I just want my, I just want my beautiful boy to eat. All of their houses always look like the houses I'd like go hang out. And when I lived in Austin, that would just be like four comedians that rented a family

house. Right. Right. Right. So it's like, they got like a TV ranch station and then like something like a couch. Loose on the floor. Yeah. Yeah.

The TV on the floor, the couch stolen from rena center. And then maybe like, yo, check out this like this dumb art. I found like one thing on the wall. Right. Right. Yeah. It's like a Batman clock. Yeah.

And then that's it. And then it's just all plastic plates all over the place. Oh my God. Yeah. Trash bags and no can to be found anywhere. I mean, I'd still do that. I still have a giant contractor bag right behind you. Just filled with garbage.

Damn dude. Time to level up. No. Contractor bags are amazing. Things have never changed. Dude, I try to do a regular kitchen bag and then I end up just throwing it in the contractor bag and it's like, let's just go trash bag in the middle of the apartment. Yeah.

I do remember, I do recall this being here when you were cleaning up. Yeah. And then then there was a time where it never went away. Now it's a feature. Yeah. It's part of the geography of the apartment right behind the couch on the left side. It's an installation piece and a dick circulation, a dick circulation piece. Yeah.

I mean, when me and Chris live together, we didn't have a trash can, we just had a section of the pile. A trash corner. Just a pile of garbage. Dude, I wish I could have seen that apartment with my own eyes. I mean, it was good when I was there and then there was like a noticeable haze when you went in. Uh huh.

It was like mustard gas or something. It was humid. Yeah. And after I moved out of his hilarious because Chris, the electricity would get shut off all the time and he had just like an extension cord running into like the vacant apartment next door. That is so awesome. How do you use the microwave or the stuff?

Nothing. It just went to the TV. It's probably games also. Right. I had one for his PC and one for the TV. No, well, the PC was the TV. Oh, nice. It went into like the projector.

Respect. Yeah. It's a Christian game. Oh, wow. I was going to play video games. I love the idea. I don't know. I've only met him a couple of times, but I love the idea that at his peak, drunk ass

you was more responsible than him drunk as you being the one keeping order in an apartment is a hysterical idea. I mean, I was also a mess. Just not. I didn't eat as much as he did because he was fat, so he would naturally make a bigger mess than I would. Yeah. But I would get drunk.

No, I mean metaphorical mess. Throw bottles against the wall and just be broken glass all over the apartment. Yeah. You guys need to like throw in cards. Yes. Yeah. I remember you telling me that. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, we would go nuts, dude. Just fucking throw in cards. Just fucking throw in just decks of cards all over the dead. No, because he showed me. I didn't know how to do it. And then he showed me. I mean, I got real good at it. We just throw cards all day.

You can do it hard enough. You can cut some. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking gambit, dude. Yeah.

Let me see your pussy. Yeah. Let me affect you and y'all. Yeah. Yeah. Look, dude. Yeah. You're in a trench coat walking down Austin in the middle of the summer, throwing cards

at women that won't fuck you. That's how you hit on bitches, dude. Put them on your bitch, bitch, take a stroll, slice her with a card. Ricky J. One of David Mamet's favorites. Uh-huh. Who's that? The actor.

He died in the last year. Really? Ricky J. He's in boogie nights. He's a character actor. Yeah. That he's in like every David Mamet movie, but he's that fat, like bearded Jewish kind of looks like the comic book store guy from the Simpsons.

Uh, yeah, if you saw him, you'd reckon I'll look him up, but it's not a good actor. Really? No. He was all right. I mean, but yeah, but he's just like, oh, I think I know who you mean in boogie nights. Yeah. But he's, uh, uh, yeah, this guy. Yeah.

He's a professional card trick. Yeah. American magician is what it comes up. I didn't know he was a magician. Wow. Yeah. He's a card guy. Wait a second.

He's described. He's in the world. No, he was just, he's described Ricky J. Potash known professionally as Ricky J. Was the American stage magician actor, bibliophile and writer. Yeah. He has on his Wikipedia that he likes books. Bitch. Yeah.

What a nerd. Fuck Ricky J. Dude. Let's see his fucking filmography, dude. Yeah. He's been in a lot of good shit. My name is in it. Suck on my penis. Ricky J. Sounds like a fake Indian name.

I thought he was. He's called, if you call the car call center, they'd be like, hi, hello. My name is Ricky J with Verizon and I'm here to help you. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. All right. I know that's not your name.

Ricky Sanjay. That's not your name. Ricky J. I think Ricky J could just be an Indian guy's name. Actually. What if his name is dick? Suck Dickie. Gay.

He was on his first credit is the tonight show with Carson in 1977. What if his name was suck dickie gay? Yeah. Sorry. I missed that one because it was an Indian guy's voice. But yes. What if that's good, man? You transition into just doing the show as an Indian guy.

Yeah. Save us all some time. I'm going to get into Bali casting. We're Bali. Bali fishing. We're bad. What is Bali would named after? It's like Hollywood, but.

Bali. And Bali. I guess. It's not in Bali. That's in the Pacific. That doesn't make any sense. I don't know why. What the fuck is your explanation then, motherfucker?

B is for something. It's like fucking Baghdad. Not Baghdad, bitch. That's a wrap. Bali is closer than Baghdad. I know it's not Baghdad, but I know it's not Bali also. Yeah. Well.

Bombay. That's what it is. Bombay. Bombay. So they're Bollywood. So they have Bali casting. Which is not called Bombay anymore. So they're like.

What's it called? Mumbai. Mumbai. A fucking podcasting world. Okay. Called Bolly Casting. Bolly Casting. They're like, you're listening to a dotted drop house.

Okay. And my name is Matt Christmas. I love to do rants. My name is Will Menyandar. Menyandar. And I am the one who takes notes. I am the one who has a notebook and says things. And they just do their version.

So the Indian Countdown is the Indian guy. Yes. It's like, what if his name was Sakdiki Gay? Oh, I see. You're just preparing. Yeah. Will you sell the right? This body would buy the right.

Everything or they just make that shit bootleg. I think they do their own shit that usually they make like versions of American movies. Do they? But with way more dancing and shit. Yeah. They do Jai Ho's and stuff. Yeah. So we will do the same podcast, but instead of Adri, it's we do dancing.

And we'll play. Oh, there's two more. There's the. Can you hand stop the died Snapple and have him try this? It's too sweet, dude. I would love to try it. Pussy. Sweet for me.

I love it, dude. I'm saying stuff. You just got to get into the diet zone, brother. The diet. Do you like it? I do like it. It's great. It's been ruining my life.

But I will say I like it, but I'm not even a regular lemon Snapple guy. So that's the actual flavor is holding me back way more than the diet. Yeah. But it's good. Yeah, I'm a peach Snapple guy and I got a variety pack. I'm not. I got a Costco membership. Respect.

How was your first trip? Good. No samples. You know what? It's funny. Costco. It's hideous even for a Costco. Hmm.

Stov's Costco. My Costco is beautiful. And they have a tire center and a gas station. I went to the Astoria Costco. The Astoria one's better than. Yeah. How dare you say it's hideous. The view.

Incredible. One of the best views of the city. And it's wasted on that. On Costco. Bro. No joke. I ride my fucking bike down there. Sometimes get me a chicken bacon.

Sit on the bench. Just look at the city. There's a really nice. I'll tell you this. There's a really nice museum by there. My favorite. The Noguchi museum. My favorite.

Shut up bitch. I didn't tell everyone you Noguchi museums. Faggot museum. No, go ahead. What else do you have to say about the Noguchi museum? It's a really nice museum. You should go there. Yeah.

There you go. I don't support some Japanese guy. He thinks it's funny to do. He's American actually. Inward. He's actually American. He was American. He was born in America.

Yeah. It's pretty fucking racist of you Adam. Some Japanese guy. It's like I'm going to make a museum about these people. He's not Japanese. He was born in America. I can't stand them. I'm going to make a museum about how much they are disrespectful to me.

These goddamn Noguchi's. Is that what it is Adam? Yes. It's a Japanese man that came up with the Japanese way to say the N word. Yes Nick. Yes. That's exactly what it was. It's a museum of that.

Yeah. Yeah. A museum of that. It's a museum for Blasings. For racist Japanese men. I was laughing at the idea the other day about being some upper middle class college professor that has an adopted Asian son because you know they always adopt. Yeah.

Some guy that weighs like 104 pounds. Because they weigh too long. Just all Adam's apple and tea is super. Yes. Yes. But his Korean son is now a teenager and he's using the N word at his dad. It's like you ain't my real daddy. Sun Moon could you just calm down for a second.

Me and your mom love you. You ain't mom daddy and she ain't my mama. Boop. And I'm going to go out with my boop anytime I goddamn please. You don't control me boop. You know. Yeah. That would be awesome.

It's a white bull shit. Now those guys are always named Matthew or whatever. No. But I feel like the professor would give him an ethnically appropriate. No. They would keep as they would. They would. They would keep it.

Yeah. Your name Brian. Uses Korean name at home. Yeah. Yeah. In an even more offensive way. School. He's mad.

But at home he's Sun Moon Gumdrop. Whatever is dumb Korean name. Sun Moon Gumdrop is a great name. Yeah. That's my name. They call me two guns. Gun blop. Got it.

Got it. Got blop. Daddy. You ain't my real daddy. Boop. Dude. I miss those. Those Acura Asian kids.

Oh yeah. Those like break dancing. Like devil locks. Do you remember that like the kids in my school had those like two like long devil locks. Yeah. We never got the devil locks. Yeah.

Maybe it wasn't the devil lock was in the middle. Definitely bleach tips. Yeah. So they would have like one that was on either side final fantasy which is where you play Final Fantasy 15 you're like who still looks like this and then we went to Japan and I'm like damn. Yeah. Yeah.

Just so sick at DDR. Yeah. Just crushing it. Yeah. I took a and one of my classes it was like a creative running class and there was just like this quiet Korean girl who was like creative nonfiction and you just like we don't just just turning in recipes apple turn my story is called my story is called chicken chicken talking about it's creative and it's right.

I wrote it and it's great. Look how I would use double the butter that the other people usually use on fitness to change the ingredients I should have thought of that. Yeah. Stop. Why are all your essays laminated dude I was in a oh you were telling me I was just talking about that Korean girl who she was like just seemed like like quiet and nice and then it was like all the like her creative her like personal essays were all about like

just getting fucked up and like fucking in her church so sick shoes are free. She would talk about like there are guys in the community that were like famous because they were cool and she couldn't really speak English it was like broken English. It was awesome. But it was horny. It was horny and it was doing it was doing crimes and it was getting fucked up and it was cool. Dude.

I was in a creative running class in college and there was a gay guy you already said you were in it another gay guy different than me got him and his whole aesthetic was like rich woman like he would wear like he would like carry a Birkin bag to put in person white guy black and like an Hermes scarf like tied around his white guy a white guy yeah and one time he wrote this story called the price of fabulousness that like I kept and like showed all my friends because I was like this is the craziest thing I've ever read yeah and we had to like workshop it so like I was like I had to workshop his story so I read it and it's like this mundane like vapid like shallow guy like he's like and then he put on his

Gucci shoes and then he will like got in his Mercedes taxi cab you know like trying to put details in like very bad writing and it's just like where the fuck is this going this is so boring and like and like shallow and stupid and then like in the middle of it he's like he gets a phone call and he's like he's like hello and he's like it's your doctor you have a and then and then it's like I like that the doctor is just like he's not going to get AIDS test regularly yeah doctors like oh by the way you got it he goes to me like and then it just gets super psychedelic and then his his soul like splits in two whoa like there's like one side of him that's angry there's the version of me that tells people

I don't have any and then there's the version that doesn't and then you finish the story and you're like what the fuck is this right but then you like go back to the title and it's called the price of fabulousness when like if you think about it what he's basically saying is the price of fabulousness is to get a true do you have AIDS I don't know that's just such a funny mental image is some some guy dressed like Corella Deville turning in an essay about about do I don't know yeah he was just like a rich like fucking idiot and then rules yeah that story rocked and then like I used to like start he hot no he looked weird dude he looked like he had like a pointy ass face no thank you yeah he wasn't my type

Corella Deville Corella Deville she doesn't suck you then you then you can kill any woman you want if Cruella won't fuck you Cruella sucks dick Cruella sucks dick she put a bunch of dogs in her pussy what if pongo fucked her yeah what did that happen who's pongo is the dad Dalmatian is he the Chinese dog no pongo is that a cat pongo is the male father and the human it's pongo and like Louisa what the fuck that man a man named pongo no pongo was the dad Dalmatian of the 101 Dalmatians oh it's Roger Roger Roger Roger's the man yeah pongo is the father okay okay and then pongo had that magic stick and then she shit out 101 Dalmatians Anita Anita is the woman it's Roger mother and then pongo is the male

dog and I forget the bitch's name the woman no no the bitch is using it in an appropriate context actually oh the female I can't remember name she was fucking sexy she was hot and her pussy just got torn up and she was still looking good but they're puppies so you know it's not really that much of a for a dog pussy it is yeah I don't know about that yeah that was kind of a very graphic thing to put in a children's movie show the pussy a POV shot from the veterinarian view women's pussies tearing the snoopy ever get any pussy I don't think he does which there should be like a girl version of him that's just him with a pink tie on his head peppermint patty no like a lessee kind of thing no she's a lesbian dude I know peppermint

patty fucks her like her friend a friend sir friend subs for her that live action is so bad which one I didn't even see it I just remember the trailer peanuts no the 101 Dalmatians they did well yeah 1996 oh they were the first wave I heard that the new Lion King is a disaster it looks like shit dude it's a fucking video game cutscene looking like it doesn't make any sense elders wants to see it interesting what do you mean you dumb motherfucker and his girlfriend's like yeah it's like it's just like nostalgic for me I just want to see it but I'll just like no I don't care about that I'm interested in seeing a lion talk instead of Roger just being a musician which he was in the animated one now he's a video game

designer in 96 in the 96 yeah it doesn't make any sense who is it Stamos or someone no it's Roger no hold on I tell you who is this guy who won the with the pianist it's not Adrian Brody oh damn it's Jeff Daniels I said I said I said he's a musician in the first movie and you assumed it was Adrian Brody because he was a musician in other movies a good guess no it's cuz he looks like Roger in real life a different Roger has a big point he knows the first one that you know the name of the movie to Roger dearly doesn't Roger the cartoon character look like Adrian Brody not really yes he does skinny but yeah I don't think it's a no that's my dream casting that wasn't I was me hoping Purdy is the name of the bitch Purdy because that named after how you would describe her pussy

hey that bitch she got a Purdy pussy thank you I think I might name my dog that anytime bitch why she slide up on this Purdy that's an interesting name yes some homeless man in the park said she had a Purdy pussy okay you know what he doesn't really look like him no he's like a sweater from the side sweater vest type dude yeah I fucked up he looks like the guy sitting in the hotel room during the cook scene no he doesn't yeah he's like wearing like slacks and a sweater vest wait hold on he's got when he has dark hair he looks like Adrian bro yeah he's blonde but look at this picture well why why does he have why does he change his hair that's weird I don't know but he looks like Adrian Brody maybe that's fan art he looks like some British retard yeah one of the

10,000 British resorts in film fuck British people I'm done with them if you're if you're listening right now you're British if you're ethnically British whatever that take one of those big furry fucking hats those red motherfuckers wear and put them in your ass why don't you why don't do me a favor go pick up a hammer from the hardware store and smash it against your face until the lights go out just do me a that favor do me a solid we had an exchange student from England really from England oh hell yeah dude hot roger hot roger roger abs cock coming out of a speedo why is his mouth on the side no that's a pipe it's just every I love that web it doesn't matter yeah everyone jacks off to everything dude yeah yeah which I respect well let's see Corella I'm

gonna type in Corella oh of course there's there's Corella getting fucked by dogs just Corella has a dominatrix there's Corella just taking a regular load have you guys seen that one old lady with silver hair that has been doing pornography recently she keeps popping up uh what's her name the bitch from boogie nights no no no no no uh William H macy's wife no you know that actor that porn star my wife is getting fucked on the floor what's her name yeah I know she played Hillary and uh yeah she's uh she's like belongs to a temple in Vegas and she's very active in the city my dad told me that yeah dude you know your dad tried to get sucked off on the sneak I don't know if he met her but he would try this is interesting it's it's Corella Deville

as a female lion fucking scar who's now also captain hook that rules dude it's just okay sure Corella and captain hook by the pirate queen on devion art the pirate queen shots out to her yeah let's see her other who is definitely trans by the way right okay here we go here's Aladdin as a girl lion fucking Hades from Hercules a scar look at this muggle and lion that should be your ass this is incredible dude yeah this is fucking incredible that's amazing so she's called the pirate queen yeah but then she only draws but she only draws them all as lions sexualized lion jasmine has a lion jasmine looks fine yeah dude

I'd fuck lion jasmine I would fuck regular jasmine so fast one of the great hopes of my life is I'll get the fuck a woman in a jasmine costume I would cause a fucking controversy in agriba in what I would cause a political there would be political turmoil yeah it would be a state issue how publicly what's her name did uh something how publicly you would fuck jasmine uh yes I can show you my this is what this one doesn't make any sense it's woody from toy story lion eyes but it's just Simba with a cowboy hat that's a bad one that's not something they're not all going to be jammed maybe he's got the cowboy boot that says Andy on it yeah this jafar one's pretty good with jafar we can respect that yeah jafar and scar would have some good ass gay lion sex dude

let's see if there's any pictures of that those two are soulmates as far as I'm concerned and they would not they would flip flop too by the way one's not an obvious top I think they're both verse here is scar having gay sex with some unnamed unnamed his partner that's not featured in the movie this girl has to be a real freak yeah like one of those people that like doesn't need like you're so autistic they can't even speak yeah she's just like spending all day making her incredible lion uh sex scenes the problem with this one is though you don't see any lion cock or pussy yeah their PG 13 which is a big issue for me deviant art wise yeah I need to see big titties I need to see little pussy I would love to render lion the women do all the work

they have to like go hunting and stuff yeah but if you if you get someone fucks with your pride you got to step up but most of the day you just sleep but you don't step up you're not a step up guy if I was a male lion I would but hold on so you just wish you were a different human I'm saying I want to be a lion not a human but you want because of I'm a step up guy rather than be a guy that pays for I've stepped up but doesn't step up I've stepped up I'd like to be the opposite of what you are which is if I look if I said this I want to be a lion why do I want to be a lion number one 400 pounds number two runs 60 miles per hour that's I listed stats to number three live in Africa I listed stats these are all these are all things I said sleeps all day the women do

the hunting these are things that you could instantly have sleeping all day is not your personality like it's not a personality like oh I wish I was a lion I would have self-respect and I wouldn't let people walk all over I have self-respect first wait what I'm known for my self-respect what happens to a lion that what happens to a male lion that gets his shit fucked up by another man did he get any pussy they cut his hair off whoa yeah he has to get a little hair cut his hair gets chewed off he has to wear a pompadour instead of a cool mane he has to wear makeup like a prison bitch for real though does he do they get pussy I'm curious the lions get pussy you got to protect your bitches if you're not the alpha lion do you get pussy can you sneak

some pussy if you're the beta lion I don't know because when I saw those bears fucking it seemed like like the main guy fucking the bitch and then the two other like cucks just like jacking off well you know what if you were a beta the time to fuck another bitch is when the alpha's fucking because he's not going to stop you while he's busting his nut so you got a real quick fuck his second favorite bitch while he's in his first favorite bitch yeah that's how you sneak some pussy that's how it should be just in general you got to be able to look out for when the man is having sex waiting for the alpha to have sex with the main bitch and then you sneak some side pussy the second or the third whichever one you fancy most because the thing is I think that's how

you want to fuck John uh what's his name from beautiful mind came up with that uh John Nash yeah John Nash my favorite Nash Kevin Nash did the Nash equilibrium yeah which they they simplified that movie by saying if we all try to fuck the same bitch yeah yeah that's how they taught it to you in a beautiful mind what about a beautiful asshole but in real life he was into some suss shit about a beautiful crime and he's a mathematician that can't stop raping I wouldn't call it yeah I wouldn't say beautiful it is the producers working on the movie I like the mental health angle but we need it to be sexy a lot of people when they think of rape they think of the fantasies how sexy the fucking tropic usually but now she's a producer when people talk about

rape they think about how sexy it is Anderson everyone loves right Anderson would you rape me right now for a million dollars I love how he just cuts the commercial we're gonna go to a commercial and I'll be back uh well I'll tell you what if you like sex oh yeah I love sex if you're one of those bae alliance that can't get his dick hard while the alpha is fucking you'll like bluetooth dot com what a fucking dumb line if you like sex if you like sex you'll like bluetooth dot com haha bullet points make it your own and have fun have fun have fun reading reading these anyways bluetooth dot com you don't even we don't even really need to advertise it because everyone listens to the show needs it that's right it's medicine that you want listen the thing about

bluetooth is if you listen and we said there's dick pills you can just buy you've got them already yeah once I found out about these companies I fucking ran to the computer at all who's on the fence about their dick working here's get them you fucking lose you should be begging us to tell you the website yeah which is bluechew.com if you don't buy your your piece of shit you're a fucking little ass you're a fucking dick doesn't work and you're a loser yeah that's the thing keep work keep sitting there fucking soft cock everyone knows that no dicks work you may think that your dick is hard but actually you're just having a fever dream mm-hmm your delusion you're imagining you're imagining it's a mirage your dick can't get hard unless you buy bluetooth with the promo

code come you go to town or whatever come town c-u-m-t-o-w-n is the promo that's the only way your dick will for sure be hard it's it's a performance enhancement for the bedroom or fucking outside for the park bench in the park bench get some why don't you get some outdoor pussy yeah it's not only the homeless women out there that are lonely they say sir do you have a dollar i know but i got something else yeah wait till sundown cops are coming around the same that's right cops will not come to anything you know cops don't work at night anything less than a 182 we're turning the volume down on the fucking on the on the on the blotter plus here's the thing car car 57 we have a man sexually assaulting a homeless woman and i'm on my lunch break here's the thing bluetooth

blue lives boot yeah you know what i mean it's all connected yeah all of the money goes to blue lives matter the thin blue line is every is your dick every pill your heart has a dick on bluetooth is in the shape of the punisher style and when you take it you go to iraq to punish the locals it's it's like making you do like how they used to precious boy that you love it's now time to take out your anger on the locals because they killed your friend billy who also was also atomizing them but back then it was just for fun who's chill and now it's personal at first the rape was for fun to blow off some steam retaliated against my friend and now it's personal now this rape has an edge now and now i need to take bluetooth while in iraq the iraq war officially

sponsored by bluetooth dot com the first chewable that can be taken on a fuller empty stuff that's right that's absolutely correct and they can work faster than pills up to twice as fast online physician consult is free so it's cheaper than the other two because the other two you have to pay to go see a doctor boo makes you kiss fuck that shit kisses fingers and suck his dick you know and he makes you show your dick i'm doing something for you why don't you do something you're doing why don't you get my dick i don't know you and then he takes a pill in front of you and he's like you think your dick isn't hard i'm a doctor why don't you earn how could i be sure your dick doesn't get hard look pal i have to compare it to a hard dick you're the one that came to the army

medical tent here in fucking felucia we're we do business a little differently back in the states you saw you saw the you saw the punisher pinned on my my lab coat you know i'm a punisher style doctor doctor chris kyle that's doctor chris to you it only takes a few minutes to connect to the bluetooth dot com affiliated physician if you qualify you get prescribed online quickly you just need a couple of information like your anyways do we know how long it was going yeah yeah because i had the headphones on

oh gotcha gotcha you got your uh you gotta tell him your name and your sign and then that's it that's well that's that joke's kind of dead now thanks a lot so what's that promo code promo code is g a y n i would know it isn't no no no no no no f a g g er i g g ot肉 one i didn't spell anything bad it made up word it's not i didn't say anything wrong you can't get mad at me for it i'm doing and Punisher Style Spell. I'm teaching kids to spell Punisher Style. Oh my God. That is certainly Punisher Style Spell. Bromagoda is come town, C-U-M-T-O-W-N. Just pay five dollars for shipping. Yup.

They're prescribing on my doctor. Confidence in bed every time. You and your partner. You're dumb bitch. Yup. We'll love it. Yup. Yeah. I'm real quick. I'm just going to do one plug for all we're doing plugs one time. Rochester next weekend on the third. I have more coming up later, but I need to get, you know,

that one's coming up on August 3rd. Yeah. More plugs coming later at the plug section of the show. Also, if you like Comtown, if you want to either listen to the premium episodes. Yes, bitch. On Patreon.com slash Comtown, there's, if you only listen to these on iTunes or wherever or whatever app you use, there's a treasure trove of 150 or something. Yeah.

I don't know, something like that. I mean, I pay five dollars a month and you get all the bonus episodes. But now there's t-shirts made by me. Yup. And not some dipshit in Ireland. That's right. Who prior to this had been the most successful, I think. Oh, really?

Yeah, they come collection. Yeah. Ireland? Yeah, I talked to them once. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, fuck you, bitch. Yeah.

Taking money out of our fucking mouths. Oh, no. I've always, I've encouraged them. Yeah. Well, now you're coming across them. Now I got my own. I got my own thing. You encourage it so that they get their hopes up.

I get, but here's the thing. You can get the shit from the source instead of someone's interpretation of what, what, what ideas I want out there. The Richard Gere Museum. Yeah. No. Now you get the mind to dream it up. I'm getting exactly what I pictured.

Hmm. Sands, maybe a little bit of, sometimes I overshoot the mark on what I think I can do. Yes. Drawing wise. Right. But com.town. H T T P. forward slash forward slash C U M dot T O W N.

And buy the shirts, if only to give me something to do during the day. Yeah. I'm enjoying his, uh, his, his career as a printing press, living in a factory now. That's right. Fucking bell to bell, seven a.m. wake up, start folding shirts. Yeah. That Chinese family used to live with move back in. Yeah.

I'm here until three a.m. every fucking night. I stay up. No bathroom breaks. No bathroom. He's wearing a diaper, a very soiled diaper right now. Yeah. The shit is fucking hanging off his dick. Yeah.

It's so yellow and brown from the outside. I have my dick tied around the middle of the diaper. The diapers just hanging from me and I'm shitting on the floor. It's not doing anything. The diapers, the diapers pulled down to my ankles with my dick tied to the middle. But it's so full of shit. It's stretching his dick out. Yeah.

That's what's happening. And it's all available at com.town. Woo. Com.town. Com.town. The number one place to buy merch made by a gay man named Nick Mullen. Damn, dude. Maybe this air conditioner is making me sick, dude.

Yeah. I think all that died snapple is giving me bad headaches. Yeah. It's already hurt my stomach a little bit. No. It is. I kind of took one sip, dude. I know.

I've been drinking like four or five of them a day. Yeah, they could be good for you. They're great. Respect, bro. Yeah. But I mean, everything, not a lot of things are good for you. You know what I mean? That's right.

It's pussy. Check. Science. That's right. Pussy, science and broccoli, dude. Pussy and science. The number one law firm. Science and Snatter.

Pussy and science. Pussy and Kirk. Good afternoon. You've reached law offices at Pussy and Science. If a bitch ain't trying to fuck, you can sue her ass. The first law firm handling cases in which we will sue a bitch for not giving up the pussy. Now, pussy, is that one of their names? Yes.

One of them is just named pussy. That's his whole name. First and last. He's like Cher. Lionel Pussy. Lionel Pussy. Yeah. And Reggie Science.

Oh, interesting. They never did really explain how that guy on the soprano's got the name pussy. I mean, big pussy. It's a shortened version of his name. Pustifer? Yeah. Bustifer from Cats. You guys see that cat trailer?

Yeah. No one's coming to the show tonight. It's sold out. Now, one guy's got to come to get his fucking t-shirt. Oh, word. Yeah. I forgot to put him on the list. I'll do it when I get there.

The guy you hook up with? Nick's boyfriend. Some guy left his fucking apartment number off one of the shirts. Nick's got a grinder made up of it. He came back undeliverable. And normally I just restock those, but he lives around the corner from you. Oh, interesting. So I was figuring out maybe I just give the shirt to you and then just have it not.

So he gets into the show for free. I know you wouldn't do that. Yeah, there would be a finder's fee. Yes. So he gets into the show for free. Is that a huge deal? No. He should give Stav and I $5 each.

I've never taken money from the show once, nor have I like comped anyone. No, no, no. I was just kidding. Anyone can get into the show for free. Honestly, the entire audience can get into the show for free. The tickets are free. The tickets are free. It's like, no, they're not.

Keep paying you fucking pieces of shit. The tickets are P. The tickets are P. I wonder if that would do well in Japan. Little like, remember Airheads? Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like that kind of container, but it's just filled with piss.

It's a liquid. It's out of a vent machine. It's a little like mustard. Like a vial of piss. A little mustard packet of pee. That, you know, with like a thick piss? No, it's just regular piss, but like it's clear on one side and then yellow with like a little cartoon piss drop.

I think that would do really well. A little drop of piss. A drop of piss. And he's like, oh, yummy looking. And then you could just drink a little. But it's got to be a hot girl's piss. But it's a little sip of piss that you can drink. There's got to be like a blushing schoolgirl also on it.

No, just like a little. It has to come from a child. A little like, yeah, a little drop of a cute drop of piss. A cute drop of piss. Like a Daniel Tiger drop of piss. Or like, yeah, like the logo for world industries. Yes. One of those guys.

Yeah. One of the flame guy or the trippy guy. They're Japanese, but yeah, just a little mustard packet of P.P. for, you know, to pick up while you're over in Tokyo. Yeah. And you're going about your day in Shinjuku. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They have panties, right? Man, I would fly back. Yeah, but they aren't really that soiled. I bought a parrot and it smelled fine. A week of that fucking breakfast. You love Japanese breakfast. Dude, it was so good. It was so good.

Good. You get the raw egg, a little bit of P.P. A little mustard packet of piss. A little mustard packet of piss. Excuse me. Can I get an extra packet of piss? All the racist food you brought with you from America that doesn't exist there. That you had made.

So you could be like, this is you. Are you eating turd price? Just menstrual fluid, blood pudding. Mm-hmm. My favorite. My favorite. I went when I was there to eat canari steak and they just have those all over the place here.

Yeah. They're good though. We were touring Canada where we were both like trying to do meal prep or whatever. And then it took two days before we were at Japanese barbecue. Yeah. Causing a rocket. Yeah. That was some good shit.

It wasn't even two days. We got Chinese food the first night. Yeah. But we kept it kind of clean. Yeah. We kept it. I ate a whole duck. Yeah.

Yeah. We had barbecue duck. Yeah. But we had shrimp with broccoli. Yeah. The broccoli. And I ate a lot of those broccolis. I don't know if I saw you eat a broccoli.

Motherfucker, don't. Don't you dare. I don't know about that. You're about to see me eat your penis right now. I would love that. With a fork and knife. I would love that. Not sexually with a fork and knife.

Meet the penis. Suck the fuckers. Meet the fuckers. Little fuckers. You ever see that movie? Is that the third one? I think, yeah, they have kids and they're called little fuckers. I have a penis, Greg.

Can you suck me? You can suck anything with a penis. I have a penis, Greg. Oh, fuck. Shots out Bobby the Nero. Yeah. I have an asshole, Greg. Can you lick me?

Can you fuck me in my ass? You're fucking me in my ass? Are you fucking me? Are you fucking me? Are you fucking me? Are you fucking my dick? Are you fucking my dick? Are you fucking my dick?

Yeah, that's good stuff, man. Man, I thought of a good thing that had head in the name, but I forgot now. But earlier, I was really giggling in the get-headed stay. Head on, apply directly to my dick. No. Because today isn't just the 4th of July. It's get-headed to get-headed stay. Yeah, that was it.

Yeah, that was probably what it was, right? Welcome to Earth. Suck my dick. Give me a hand. Welcome to give me a dick. Give me a hand, I'm gay. I'm gay. Today is the day we get our dick sucked.

We give the alien a ship head. What if we... Dad, what did you just say that you got head? Yes, David, I said I got my dick sucked earlier. What if we gave the mother ship a... We sucked its dick. You mean to tell me that the answer is to suck the mother ship's dick? Precisely.

What's the answer? Oh, hell nah! Will Smith has to personally suck the dick? Well, you have to do it for your family. Maybe I love you, but I can't suck no alien's dick. Well, we need you to do it. Come on, I remember back in the Holocaust, we would suck dick all the time. It was the only way to get food, as we would have to suck the Holocaust.

I think it probably was. In the Holocaust, we... In the camps, we would eat nothing but each other's gum. For 40 years, I've been drinking gum all the time. Ask your friend from work about it. Oh, my God, David, let me suck the alien's dick. I'll do it, sir, put me on the ship. Hardly fires you, sir.

Oh, my God, get me on that ship. I'll suck their dick right now. That would be awesome. He drains every alien's dick. I told you the aliens took me in 1973 and they fucked me in my ass. Wow, Nick. Our daddy wasn't a liar. Our daddy was telling the truth the whole time. That kid was Lucas Haas, one of the members of the Pussy Posse.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the one that got fucked by a guy. The one that got fucked by a guy. Oh, hell no. Hell no. Just... Welcome to Earth. Get head-independent state.

Head-independent state. How did they actually win in real life? What'd they do? Or in the movie, I guess? They hacked the ship. They gave another ship a virus that propagated across all the other ships. Their shields went down. Wow, so they were using computers just like us? Yeah, that's probably what we would do today, right?

We'd just hack them. We don't understand their technology. What if the answer is to suddenly understand their technology fully? What if we just... So much that we knew how to fuck with it? Yeah, how about the answer is that we don't know anything about them, but now suddenly we know so much about them to the extent that we've exploited a flaw that's not even apparent to them in their own system.

Yeah, it's all dumbass symbols and shit. Yeah, they just hacked it like Russia. They just made fake Black Lives Matters Facebook groups. They just confused them. Black alien supporter. Me and my fellow... I love those fake African, like the fake Black Trump supporter guys. Those are the best.

How about a shirt that says, instead of Black Lives Matter, it's the same font and everything, but it says, Blue Streak Matter? It's for the movie Blue Streak. It's a good movie. Yeah, it does matter also. In the Martin Lawrence filmography. Is Blue Streak the intersection between the Black Lives Matter and the Blue Lives Matter?

I love that movie so much. Is that what can bring peace? I'm a federale. Wow, it turns out it was... It would be awesome to wear that shirt and just see people get mad and then be like, just be so confused with you. Blue Streak Matter? Because at the end of the day, you're talking about how much you like a Martin Lawrence movie.

I'd say a movie. It's not clear what you're mocking. The Family Matters font, but it says Family Lives Matter. And then it's Urkel being shot to death by the police. Like Carl. Just Carl doing a police brutality. But he's a Black cop, so it makes you think. Nobody talks about that.

No one talks about all the Black people that Carl Winslow killed. Yeah, what about all the Black people that Black cops are killing? That's not a big deal. It's like, no, it is. It also is. Oh, yeah, okay. Come on, Steve. Dammit. And now I'm just thinking of Steve in a Guy Fawkes mask.

Go to hell, Steve. Smiling while he murders Urkel because he's a little annoying. Turning off his body camera. Steve Urkel was no angel. He was often doing dangerous science weapons, making his own improvised explosives. Oh, yeah, he was gonna go to college. Sure. He's gonna stay in that basement and try to fuck Laura for the rest of her miserable life.

He was a sexual predator. That's right. He was horny. Urkel was no angel, baby. He was no angel. Maybe that's a better way to think of Tamir Rice. What if he was just an annoying nerd? No.

No, Nick. Every day Tamir was like, hi, Laura. Who's Laura? He still doesn't deserve to die. Laura's fucking Carl's daughter. No, no, in Tamir's case. That's the child that was killed. He was in a park in Cleveland.

That doesn't rock. What about that, Drew Carey? What do you have to say about the murders? I would not put that in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. No, I wouldn't. No, ma'am. Sucking a dick on Jeffrey Epstein's island. What's the Epstein minute, dude?

What's the catch up? Oh, I don't know. I stopped caring. Yeah, it seems like you're doing great, Nick. I mean, now it's like fucking... Some guy got arrested. This is news now. Now people are paying attention to it. You're a hipster.

You're a hipster. You get mad about injustice or whatever, and then if justice is being served... But you think that he's not at the top. There's shadowy figures at the top. He's clearly like an intelligence asset of some kind. It gets to a point where it's like, I mean, what the fuck can you do about it?

Some guy that was like... He flipped on Trump's fucked kids. Didn't that go out? Wasn't that news? Who, Papadopoulos? No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Some guy that was a witness in the Mueller investigation. He had sex with a... Choudron.

Ariel Choudron. He had sex with Choudron. That's right. That's right. What did Gambit always say? Should I get a shipping label printer? I probably should. Why not, dude?

Dude, fucking... Shopify is like... It sucks because it's like the only way to go with all this shit. Unless you make your own printing press? They do... Well, no, I mean, I don't print my shirts through Shopify. They just handle like the store and fulfillment and payments. Oh, really?

Oh, damn. But like everything you need to do requires paying them more money. Like literally everything. It's like, how can I batch print fucking packing slips? They're like, simple. For $15 a month, you can get the order... And everything has a dumb name where it's like, make the page blueify.

Change the font to sizesify. And it's $5 a month. And it does this very simple fucking thing that should just be built into the interface anyways. Yeah, fuck Shopify. Damn, we should make our own. Yeah. I mean, Shopify really is like...

It's sort of a thing where... I don't know why they do that. Whether it's to dissuade people from setting up dropshipping services or not, because it's like, you could just do dropshipping. You could put shirts up and do it in a way where it's like, maybe if someone orders this, I get some money. But it's not set up that way. You know, it's like, you have to pay for the basic service,

which is $30 a month. And then if you want anything on top of that, it's fucking $80 a month. I guess they just assume a lot of people are like, I'm going to start a store. Yeah. And they just do the 30 and forget it. I feel like everyone's business model is like,

plan a fitness, basically. Yeah. You'll just do it. It's a small enough amount of money. That's our business model. Honestly, yeah. I'm sure a bunch of people on Patreon forgot. No, I'm like Lewis in the sense that I would prefer

to just do everything myself. I would rather pay somebody, myself to the extent that I'm not like paying a monthly fee to another service. But you hit snags in the process where it's like you can't, like dealing with payment processors. It's just much easier to just deal with something like Shopify. Yeah.

I call them game into processors. Yeah. And if you do that, they'll fucking like take away your income. Like these companies that like are on board with the idea of the platforming people. And it's like, I don't know. Yeah, that shit sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. Damn. Well, I'm going to have some very stiff words for them off mic, just in case they're listening. I got something stiff for you. No, you don't. Actually, it's, you can't do it anymore. Have you used Bluetooth, Adam?

Do you like it? I have used it once and it was amazing. I feel like maybe it was like a placebo. No, it was not. I was pissing not hard and my dick looked fabulous. Yeah. Not even hard. Just like you had sex.

Oh, no, it definitely gives a little extra. Yeah. Capillaries are all expanded. It's all like soft. It looked great. Honestly. I, the only way I know it's working is because I can't like breathe through my nose.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get a little headache. Can't breathe through your nose. Yeah. And then that's when it's really working. That's when you think it's really thriving because everything's

expanded. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You stand up too fast. You get, you know, all woozy. Classic. You get vertigo.

Yeah. Yeah. Classic moves. All right. Regular shit. Well, folks, we got to go do the show. We got to do the show. I got to stop it.

Hold on. We got to get some fucking. Oh, yeah. Go see my boy Adam. Funny Moms. Funny Moms every Monday except for the first Monday of the month. Fat Tuesdays. Every freaking Tuesday at the stand.

Next Funny Moms is the 29th. I'll be in the 29th. Right. Yeah. I'll be in LA on the 29th of August. There are tickets up on my Instagram and Twitter bio and pinned tweet, whatever, but see me at the Lodge room. That same day I'll be in Seattle, the 29th.

Friend of the show. Jamel will be opening up for me. Everyone loves Jamel Johnson. Good guy. He opens for me at the Lodge room also. I think he's our go-to. What else? What other plans?

See me Rochester on the third. Like I said, see me in Boston on the 16th and 17th. Oakland on the 24th. First show already sold out. Buy tickets to the late show. We just added that shit. And I'll fuck around and do a third show, baby. So keep buying them, bitches.

And then Seattle and Portland on the 29th and 30th. Got some more dates coming after in September. I'm on a little vacay going to Greece. And after that, I'm going back on the road. I might go to Greece with you. Please, dude. Please come. I might have like a sister here to the traveling pants type.

That would be nice, dude. European journey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get some pussy out there, dude. In my home country. Mona Lisa fuck.

You can fuck my female cousin who's I think 38 and has a child. She looks good. Mona Lisa suck. She looks like you. She looks just like me with a high ponytail. That sounds fun. Ariana Grande ponytail. You said she had hair.

That's you had me at the hair. Eat, pray, suck. I'm going to have an eat, pray, suck under the Tuscan. Under the Tuscan. Under the Tuscan cum. Yeah, cum. That was the right. Under a layer of Tuscan cum.

Under the tug and suck. Under the tug and suck. We're going on a vacation underneath a Rubin tuck. That's all I could afford. And bitch who just got broken up with my pussy is not too old. But it actually was. Lucky for her. Italians are so horny.

They'll fuck anything. Yeah. Put a cheat that your pussy is so disgusting. But I cannot stop eating it. Slurping up her lips like linguine. Kathy Bates is the big nasty pussy bitch. All right, folks. See you.