The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 166 – Medicare for Balls

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

And its free bluechew for everyone

Well, as you know, as promised, I will be playing Super Mario Odyssey. People have been dying for the review of the game that came out three years ago. Have you gotten to New Donk City? Yeah. It's pretty cool. Is that where they got big ass? They got big asses? Yeah.

Everyone's, everyone's got just kicked up. What do we got? We got Peach. We got Daisy. Uh huh. Who's that? Who's the bitch? Who's the other bitch?

That plays. I don't really know from Mario Tennis. Bowser? Huh? It's Waluigi. Waluigi? No, no, no. She's like a...

Yeah, they should have a... She's like magical. They should have a weird Peach. Like for like Waluigi. Rosalina. Rosalina. She probably has the best pussy. Why is that?

I don't know. There's something mysterious about her. Honestly, you know what? She might not, but it's the false hope of potential. She's from the other, the last one. At least I know the least about her. Super Mario Galaxy. She's so mysterious that her pussy could be anything.

I like the Mario. You think Mario's just chasing pussy the whole game? Mario's just in space. And never actually getting laid? He's just fucking never released. He's been fucking around in space for the last couple of... Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there's Paper Mario. You guys were playing Mario Sunshine. That shit was fun. Mario Sunshine was good, yeah. I love that one. That was probably the best one. Yeah, because you would like...

That's the one where you would... Or is that... That's the one where you would like clean shit, right? Yeah. If you have a beard, you've decided to... Huh? You've decided to go full pencil. Yeah, I tried it today.

Now that I have a full beard. Yeah. We're switching shit up. Yeah, move in on that shit. Well, I over-trimmed one side, and I was like, time to try it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... Yeah, I'm going very thin, mustache.

Oh, that's good. Thank you, Adam. Yeah. It compliments your face. Thank you. You're trying to look like Confederacy of Dunces. I'm trying to look like regular Confederacy. I don't really...

I don't really... I don't really... I don't really... I don't really know what it's like. It's like a stone wall Jackson or something. Yeah, that's some... That's some... That's the move.

I'm not going to shave for... Stone wall Jackson, but it's stone wall The Gable. I'm going to see how it looks. Yeah. In six months. Yeah? Six months? Six months.

I'm not shaving. Okay. I'm going to see you. Probably pretty bad. Yeah, horrible. Yeah, it's like... It's like when I grew my hair out to be long, because I wanted to see if it looked good, and then they just got to a point where it was like, oh, it just wasn't ever going

to look good. It stops here. You look like a fucking housewife. Yeah. a Bob haircut. Yeah. I got that one picture with a Bob. I was I was getting pushed dude. I've really I've really over achieved in my life through some really ugly phases with the Bob dude. Well you're in the exact right market for you to get pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I can't get pussy anywhere else other than the five burrows actually probably not in satin

island. No way. You get island. What. Jeffrey have scenes island. Yeah. So I'd say Manhattan you drill satin island for a little St. James. Little St. James and Brooklyn the sixth borough little St. James. That should be incorporated in the city. Yeah. Parts of Queens maybe parts of Queens probably Corona flushing Jackson Heights. It is funny. It's like Rickers is like the opposite of a pet of five island. Oh yeah. She reikers. You're forced to fuck grown men. Yeah. How much it's Jeffrey Epstein's got to be like this is awful. I had the best pedophile island. Now I have to go to the worst. Now I'm getting fucked by man. I can't believe this. Well this can you believe my luck. Is Ian reikers yet because I thought

the hit happens in Manhattan. No the hit happens so that they could replace him with a body double. So he's going to show up in court and it's just going to be a Bulgarian man that looks exactly like Jeffrey Epstein. It's like Bruce Ness. I didn't know the block of the kids. I don't. Yeah. I have a job to do a transmission and they are here. I'll go to work on it. I live. I live. I live. We go park. It appears Mr. Epstein has gone crazy. I live. I live. We go park. The rest of the situation. I go to. I go to work transmission. I wake up. I wake up. That's a good Rigo Park accent. I wake up and they have met me now prisoner. It's just some Bosnian man that looks exactly like this works at a muffler

shop that they picked at the Clinton said their goons pick up and just buy body double sale. You're never going to believe this. We found a perfect match. We found a guy. We got a guy. Good news. Jeff's back. We got Jeffy back. Just the girls gone wild. Island style bang bang bang. Just that Bulgarian guy in prison because they think he's a pedophile but he has to prove that he's not. So he just comes out and he's got all those cool Russian present tattoos. Every day they've tried to fuck me because they think I'm an Epstein. I am Jew. I am Jewish man. This is trick they play. He's just more mad. This is trick they do every time. I wake up. I'm circumcised now. He's just on the box. They're like what are

you talking about? He's like they tell me on my country that I'm a Jew there. You go to New York Jew. They have Jew and they do it. He trick you. You work transmission shop next to you in prison and they try to fuck you because they think you're a Jew. Fuck baby for blood and spirit. Damn. Poor guy. I have to go back to Bosnia. They're just like caught like a hundred bodies in some sort of ethnic cleansing. He's more mad they're saying he's a Jew than that he's a pedophile. There's a guy, a plant guy that I bought plants from in the city. Rikers Island wouldn't be much worse than that guy's regular life. There's a dude that like sells like plants in the flower district of Manhattan

who's like clearly an ex-Surbian war criminal. Like you could just tell he's murdered so many people. Does he have tattoos? He had it up. No, but his hands are the biggest hands I've ever seen in my entire life. Did it make you horny when you saw his hands? I felt like such a woman. Did you want him to hold you? I trembled in his arms. Trembled. Vasily please. Just for one second. You are what we call a little girl. Yes. You're a little baby girl vagina. Yes. I was there. His wife came and she's like a Jewish New York woman. Oh really? And she had a black eye. Oh no. She was like, you know, he's a very passionate man. He's an artist. He has an artist temperament. Are you joking? I don't think she was trying

to justify the black eye, but it just, you know, those two things together were like incredible. Did she say how she got the black eye? I don't know. She had like a busted like forearm and black eye. She had like a forearm cast on black eye. Yeah. Jesus Christ. You know he's an artist. He was doing some of his interpretive dances and they got a little out of hand. I love the idea that Bosnian guy just getting hemmed up. Just being body switch. Yeah. Cut his hair the same way. Just being in court saying they got the wrong guy. They would have to circumcise it and it would have to heal quickly. I don't know how the Hillary would suck the blood out herself because she's a guru. She's human flesh.

Every time I know they do this. I know that you do this. Every time I say and they say eventually you're crazy. You're crazy. They're not doing this. And they don't know how it goes there. That's why I'm going to start doing an extra step. I'm going to tattoo not Jewish on my dickhead on the tip of my dickhead in case so in case anyone body switches me for it. But then they could just circumcise it. Exactly. I'm going to get not etched into my cock. Yeah. Just some machine that writes people's initials on diamonds. The rice at the fucking boardwalk. Write your name on it. We'll fly that guy in. Except he won't need to do that for mine because it'll be easy. For me they can use a very, very large

knife. Call me diamond tip. Joe. Tiny dick. My dick cut a bitch like a diamond. The smaller it is the harder it get baby. You ain't need too much blitz. You see a dick stay hard no matter how big it is. No. So the smaller it is. It's the same amount of hardness concentrated in a little bit. Yes. You know what you think that's actually probably true. You have a drink and it's not true. I think it's probably harder to get. I think you need more blood to get. Maybe there's a tipping point. I think that is over like nine and it's really fast. It's probably hard to get harder to get your circulation has to be very good. Yeah. Probably that's why athletes are the best like tall NBA players or like certain NFL players probably

the best guys to fuck because they got the good circulation and a huge penis. Yeah. But a normal six eight guy. Eldest six six no way he gets hard. But he's got a small penis to have a small. He's the perfect man with a little. He's the perfect man. He's my dream man. Oh yeah. He's got the premier. A giant man's blood with a five to fucking Bolivian man's penis. I'm too tall to get my dick hard. It's probably because I'm so tall. No Adam he has all that blood to draw from dude. I know. He's the perfect dude. Damn. So how are you guys doing. I was gone for a week. I went to see my family. I was Vegas. You know there's oh there's a there's a grasshopper or locust infestation right now in Vegas.

And so all cicada is coming back. I don't remember them. I think it's like every 17 years. 11 years. Oh yeah. So there's different brews. The one in Maryland is every 17 years. They're so fucking wow freshman year high school. Yeah. Brood X baby. Brood X. I don't know that's what it's called. Hell yeah. I remember leading up to that. You know I was probably what 15 or 16. Yeah. And they're like yeah there's gonna be bugs everywhere and I remember being like this is gonna suck. Yeah. Are you kidding me. Yes. This is gonna be like a biblical nightmare. Yeah. I know. I was like what the fuck. And then they show up and they're so fucking dumb that it's like you can just like whack them out of the sky. Yeah. Yeah. It's

not a big deal. That was a huge boon. I remember going to Baltimore City public schools cicada is coming around for all the little short dark skin girls. Real problem for them because you had an automatic thing to call them. Yeah. All of them got called cicada. Yeah. Because they were like little fucking black. You know what I mean. I can't tell you how many bug guys. My sister said that Chinese people are collecting the dead bugs. No. Yeah. For ancient Confucian. Yeah. To grind into boner. Laughing it. Laugh at them for being smart about resources. The earth is good. They're cooking us to death because they already know the answer. Oh that's true. Probably right. That's why they refuse to fucking cause they're mission too much rain

this year in Vegas. They're doing they're doing it. Like people can't even like fucking what happens in China invades. It's like they don't have to. They're boiling us all the death. And meanwhile they're eating all the feasting on grasshoppers. It's like the story of the grasshopper. The white man drives around in his tessa. Whereas the Chinese man is eating ants and grasshopper waiting for the winner that will never come grasshoppers are a great source of protein apparently. According to maybe I think I might have seen it on Spike TV Mansers or something. One of those kind of another source of protein for you Adam. What is that. You just have to find out. You're gonna have to find out the hard way. You have

to find out the semi hard way. My Tokyo Drift. I also rewatched Tokyo Drift this week. Did you. Yes. I think Nick is correct. It is the best of the franchise. I can't do the opposite show. Y'all got cars out here that do different things. Yeah. He's such a Yoko. You got the cars go sideways when you drive them around. I've never seen it. No. Yeah. It's really good. Shoot. My I had to come here love my daddy because he's from like Bakersfield. They're always from just Bakersfield. Yeah. Well he's from I think his screen name is like that he's from Alabama. Yeah. It's like something about like Roll Tide or some bullshit. My daddy my my out of come here Japan because I got in trouble. Why is he got a screen name.

Was he. I think there's like a scene where they're like a situation. Also I've totally forgot that little Bow Wow's character is named Twink. Remember the rumor that he got raped by his bodyguard. Yeah. I thought that was true until like two years. Wait. It's not true. It's true. He got raped. Every kid is like to do a little bow. I got. No. That was our generations like Prince. It was. Yeah. Sucking his own dick. You said it like the Richard gear thing. Everyone knew that wasn't true. But you would say I think Bow Wow got raped. Yeah. Or B2K got raped. I think I'm buying torture kill. Amarion might have gotten raped. Yeah. I really think so. No. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he got raped. Damn. A bodyguard

guarding a child who's a pedophile. That is pretty much. Damn. They got they got coons over here in Japan too. Man that ain't cool. But you know we got to stick together. Shit home. I wouldn't be friends with you. But we're not home right now. We're in Japan. We got to team up against the Japanese. The main girl. I guess if I have to but just don't be coming around me with no wet hair. I'll tell you that right now. Is that was that song made for the movie. No. It's like because they say drift drift drift drift. That's like the chorus. That's just how they live in Tokyo. That's just how they live. Yeah. You were there. It made me miss Tokyo. Honestly. It drift in the streets of Tokyo. There were

like places we went like that. We're in the movie for sure. Shinjuku was in it. Shibuya was in it. What about the Sukadikya province. No. We didn't go there though. Yeah. I like I think fondly of my time in Japan walking around depressed going to that pizza place by myself. That was a great day. Yeah. The day you walked two hours to a pizza place and walk back two hours. Yeah. Yeah. And it was mystically raining all day. And we said where are you. And you text us back like 11 hours later being gone. That's how they live in Tokyo. Damn. Y'all got golf here. Damn. You got Coons and golf. You really can't stop us. Even here we are pretty racist country but you can't. It is the basis of our country

that we're on ethno stage. You're just. This is too far. We are at least a parrot about it. Why didn't that kid get in any of the other movies in the franchise. It's kind of like a bottle movie. Bottle episode. Well Han was in the other. Was he. But he dies at the end of Tokyo. Drift. Yeah. Well yeah three quarters of the way through. Yeah. Well spoilers. Sorry. And then you find out you find out the end at the end of Fast and Furious 6. There was Jason Statham that killed him. Right. I've never seen that. Now he's friends. Well he's in the movies now but at the end of Fast 6 like it's the credits. That's the big reveal. Yeah. Well you see it cuts back to Tokyo Drift. Hans Carr flips and then it's

like starting to catch on fire and then fucking Jason Statham walks up and he like like pours gas. Yeah. He like throws a lighter and blows the car up. I'm just walking around Tokyo and then he calls up like somebody. I can't remember. Maybe it was Vin Diesel. I can't remember. It's done. No he's like he's like you're your worst nightmare. Damn you got you got British faggot. What'd you call me. I ain't afraid of you. You faggot. Please stop my feelings. I'm afraid of you boy. That really hurts. It's hurting my feelings. I really do want to see the new one though. Hobbes and Shaw looks like absolutely my shit. Yeah. That's where the Fast and Furious and my out here live. I got Jason Statham's dick shoved up

my ass. Who plays the bad guy. We do pranks on each other. Yudra Zelba. Yeah. Yudra Zelba's out here putting his dick in my ass. I woke up. I said who with their dick in my ass. Everyone erupts. That's a new catchphrase. We love the rock. You put a dick in my ass. If you can put a dick in my ass. Can you smell my ass. Can you smell my ass getting fucked. Oh you didn't know. Well you better suck my dick. Yeah it's the big show. Suck my dick. Is that a degeneration ax. Suck my dick. Ladies and gentlemen the rock Dwayne the rock Johnson one of the gayest men in sports entertainment. The most electrifying man in sports entertainment. And it's like what is that. Who is electrifying. Yeah.

The most electrifying. You took issue with the Spurrius. How do you measure that. Yes. You can't in jewels in jewels. Absolutely. You hooked their cock up. He's electrifying batteries and you fucking measure how much it conducts or something. Sports entertainment was always a great. That's a great phrase. I gotta be honest. I thought it was real sports for a long time. How long till like sixth grade. Damn you have to have sex for money over here. Do you want to know. Yeah sorry Mac you got to dress up like a girl and service guys make money. Can't we just get a regular job. Race the cars. I'm 17 years old. I don't know why I have to blow this British queer. I'm here to have gay sex. They made this illegal

in London. I've got to get more jollies off. He just happened to be there to have gay sex. I guess if I have to do it I will. I have to. Well if I have to do what I got to do. It should be a reveal at the end and it turns out that that character is Forest Gump. At the end of Hobbs and Shaw we find out that the hick from Tokyo Drift was Forest Gump the whole time. That's crazy dude. Jenny I went to Japan to learn how to get pussy. Sally Fields fuck some guy that had a time machine. Yeah that was the wild part of that movie. I know it really was. Just selling pussy to get a retarded son into a school he's going to fail out of anyway. Yeah you know what's funny I saw that movie when I was a kid and

then the retarded kids in my school I'm like their mom did that. That's how they're here. The principal's really must have fucked a lot of moms. We just have to see the principal and be like all right man I guess. Yeah you got scared when they put you in the fucking spent emotional class. Wait a second. Mom you didn't have to do that for me. I would have stayed in regular school. Yeah I never also got that Jenny was a hooker until later in life. I saw it late in life. It kind of sucked dick honestly. I put it on TV like every five minutes. I didn't see it on the fucker. I put it on again recently just add something in the background and even his background in entertainment it was fucking off. Yeah it's

bad. Yeah I guess it was cool when he's playing ping pong. Yeah that's my review of Forest Gump and when the leg the guy without legs gets pussy. Lieutenant that was another thing that really confused me by that movie. So I was like how can a guy with no legs fuck because I assumed he didn't have a dick. I asked my dad after we saw in the theater. What do you mean he's got he didn't give us is not fucking completely. Well that's what my dad said. He said he still got the dick. You should have known that. I assumed that he was missing. Stubbs didn't he. I don't remember. He had stubs his legs were severed at the knee. Yeah you fucking idiot. No it was higher than that. No maybe maybe whatever

maybe mid five maybe maybe though. But I guess you could still fuck. You absolutely could still fuck. Yeah. That's got to suck to be one of those guys that comes back from Iraq cock blown off. Yeah. And you're like well I guess I'll start a coffee company. Bad ass fucker coffee. New from DC Comics the dickless Punisher. I like the Punisher because he represents my dickless. The fact that I don't have a dick. That would make so much sense if the Punisher didn't have a dick. Yeah. Because yeah why else would you be that fucked up. Robocop didn't have a dick. Yeah. But you could give him a Robocock. They never went into that in the movie. Well they should have Robocop awesome movie. Both of them. The new

one. I thought the new one was sick too. Yeah I liked it. I didn't see where they were they were like do you want to see what you look like without the stuff. And he's just like a brain and eyeballs. He's like yeah he's like fucking he's like don't show me that again. He's just like trauma. He's like mostly robot. Yeah. He's like 99 percent. It would be awesome. It was just eyeballs brain and then cock. That's all I need. That's all I need. More than you actually bitch. No you copy. All I need is cock eyeballs and brain more. You're like why did they make the robot fat. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. We didn't even think about it. That's kind of rude. Yeah. You guys made the robot fat for

no reason. What. I was in shape. Dude I was ripped. I was in really good shape. Damn. If they made a mechanical penis but it felt like a real penis. Would you get one. If the sensation was there. I would cut off my own dick. It just tricks your brain into thinking you're feeling. Yeah. I just I didn't figure out what to Google for that scene but I just typed in new Robocop scene and the first thing that comes up is the end this nightmare scene which is him being shown. Yeah. This Robocop is like Matt Black right. The first one is like. No but he's like he's like murdered out. He's all black. Oh the new one I think is black. When did it come out like 2013 or something. 2014. Yeah. Who was in that one.

Who played Robocop. I forget. I don't know. I don't think it's okay. Wow. That sucks. This is nothing left. Oh who'd they put that germ motherfucker in there. Oh. Your body may have gotten. But you're still here. Is that Nick Nelson. Oh. Oh what. We had to repair the damaged areas. Yeah. But we didn't interfere with your emotion or your intellect. You want to stand me. Alex. You're you're in control. I'm in control. Yes. So why don't they give him a piece. Okay. My dick is small. If I'm in control then I want to die. Respect. Damn dude. Yeah. Alter respect. Yeah. That would be fun. I don't know why he even showed him that. Yeah. You don't want to fucking just come back as an awesome fucking killer cyborg.

Yeah. Robots. All that's left is my hand. Yeah. Parts of my brain. Damn. They should have given him a nice pick fleshy cock. Who plays Robocop in the new one. Matthew Perry. Matthew Perry. From France. Could I be any more Robocop. My dick is gone. It's not there. It's just gone. Yeah. Shats out to Matt. He kept he kept getting weird sitcoms. Well I'd like the whole nine yards a lot. You also like to see Amanda Pete's titties. You also like the whole nine inches a lot. And that's of what. Not if you're sure that you liked you didn't like seeing Amanda Penis. No Amanda Pete. A man. This is a man's man's a man's a penis. Yeah. Is that what you meant. No. He said. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Adam you're

breaking up. Did you say Adam the room with you. Adam. It's me. Adam. I want to see it. That's not me. Man's penis. You're doing an act of voice. Oh Adam. Sorry. We're breaking up. There's some some other activity on your channel. Static on your line. A guy a different guy saying that it's not you. It's you actually. But anyway so anyway we're back now. We're back to the show. So that's cool that you like seeing a man's a penis. Yeah. No I like seeing the breasts of the actress Amanda Pete. In addition to a man's a penis. Well. Yeah I'm no. Have you. She had her tits were garbage. No they were pretty good. But they were like early tits that I saw. Not a high type of but bountiful. A nice pair. It's just like

you know an actress and you want to love the series. Yeah. Immediately. That is an atrocious pair. Oh wait. The scene in the window where she shows her tits is pretty. It's not an atrocious pair. It isn't her face. There are terrible tits out there in the universe. These are those are nice and round. I would call. I would describe them as atrocious. Do we have another angle on that. The scene where she's in the window flashing her tits is is not who. Matthew Perry. She's Matthew Perry's girlfriend. No he has a different girlfriend. He plays a dentist. I believe I was straight but then her awful tits made me gay. They're not awful. I want to see them more. Hold on. I'm going to pull them up on

my mind as well. They're mostly ribbons. They're mostly what. Ribbons. Amanda P. You're your might just cut out. I don't know what you did. Hello. There you go. I'm sorry. I said I like a titty like that. Yeah. Well nobody asked you. Yeah. The people at home know the people imply that they let's have a vote. KL five. Are they nice. They're nice. I say they're nice. I say they're nice. Two to one atrocious. Two to one. Yes. But you just said they're nice. I'm saying they're atrocious. So the weight of my vote. No that's not true. One man one vote. My yes but my vote. No you average democracy. I didn't say that I said they're not. If I said they're not nice you said they're nice and they would be nice.

I said they're atrocious. Well we have two nice ones though. The question was are they nice. So that it averages out to their sort of OK. They're sort of bad. They're sort of the standard is nice. They're kind of bad. If you if you if they're exceptional then the standard is nice. What do you mean like an average city is nice. Here's the thing. You're talking about my question was our man. I say they're above average. Let's say they are nice. It's it. Let's say we're on a website right called Amanda Pete's tits. OK. Dot dot biz dot biz and we're all customers leaving reviews and you guys were like they're pretty nice. Six out of ten three star. Yeah. Six out of ten stars. And I come along zero star

and I zero star. She doesn't deserve a zero star. That affects the average. It lowers the average. That's not what we're talking about. We're not. We're not. We're voting a majority on a star system. We're voting. It's not a star. They're weighted votes. No they're not weighted. This is a democratic. No. As what will our caucus declare her titties. We are declaring them nice. No. You can write a dissenting opinion. It's like the Supreme Court. If you vote you can write a dissenting opinion. If you vote emphatically for Donald Trump it's not worth two votes. It's one vote. No. I already said it's a Supreme Court. It's not the Supreme Court. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is like the Supreme Court. Yes. It's a yes

or no. Nick is Nick is fucking school. What's her name. Fucking RGB was like he's cool. Kavanaugh rule. I am an old bitch and I love Kavanaugh. He's a very decent man. I think I also saw and I didn't do any research. I just saw it quickly that she's never had a black like clerk once. Damn. RBG. That means she's that means she's racist. I mean it would probably you would think it would happen. She's been there for what like 45 years or some shit. She's old as shit. Yeah. A long time. Maybe not 45. I'm going to really guess 30. She looks like shit. She looks horrible. She's probably going to die. Yeah. Yeah. Trump's going to get three Supreme Court. This is going to be awesome. Fucking Hillary lost

the election. 90 years of my next conservative rule in this country is going to be my two choices. A judge doom from who? And judge holding from blood meridian. And I'm deciding between the two. I don't know which one we're going to go with. It's just different actors to portray. Judge Reinhold. He's not he's just that's just his name. He's a great actor. He's a good actor but you can't appoint him. Well we're changing the way things work. We're going to do a lot of things. We're going to get some of my friends from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Sean Penn as Spicoli. Spicoli is going to be the head of the DEA. Yeah. And he's got a great new policy. We're making weed

legal but only for white people. That's basically the truth. It's called Spicoli's law. Spicoli's law. Shots out to Sean Penn dude what a career. I'll tell you what if you like wearing underwear. Like wearing what? Underwear. Oh I love it. If you're what you would call somebody who doesn't wear diapers because they're not a baby. Right. Adam for example wears diapers. Come on. Yeah I know we weren't supposed to say anything. Can we edit that. No we have to leave that in there. It's an ad so we can't. Whatever happens in an ad space can't be edited. They can't be edited. It's a medical issue though. You're right to it. It's a private medical prolapse asshole. Regular guys. You like a perma prolapse asshole. I have to just

hold my entire asshole. It's always wet. You always have to spray it with a spray bottle to keep it misted. Adam's got squeegee guys that come up to him. Adam stops at an intersection and guys come up and start shining his ass. He pushes his ass out of the window. I tip them 25 cents. Looking pretty dirty boss. Cleaning it up. We don't have to worry about that because we wear a Mack Weldon underwear which is better than whatever type of big boy pants you're wearing. Yeah. If you're not wearing Mack Weldon's right now you're a fucking bitch. You're a loser. And you might as well wear diapers because you're a baby. Yeah. Mack Weldon believes in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping. I love

those three things. Yeah. You know they hooked it up. I went there. I picked out someone to wear real easy. I didn't need my mom's help. No. I caught when I went I called my mom but my mom was on the phone because I was scared to be honest with you. I was using the computer by myself but I said I'm not a baby. I don't need diapers. I don't need to wear diapers like a baby does. I can wear. I can buy. Are you sure. I can buy my own underwear and I was afraid. I googled underwear and I saw pictures of girls and it scared me. It's yeah. Because I thought I thought I was porn but it was Sears dot com. Yes. And then I found Mack Weldon dot com. It's real easy. I typed it in and I did some simple

shopping for a simple minded man. No matter how low your IQ is if you're you are a mentally disabled yet fully grown man who wears regular underwear. Yes. Then you'll love Mack. You'll love Mack Weldon because you might not be smart but the design is that's so true. A lot of their designs feature a hole in the front to pull your penis through. I thought that was real. I always pull my pants all the way down at the urinal but you can pull it through the hole is the reason I am no longer allowed at regal cinema. That's right. For pulling my pants all the way down in the in the bathroom and then also in one of the theaters when you stuck it for the bathroom in the theater while seeing Rango. Yes. Here's the other thing

about the smart design. You put those on backwards. You can shit out of them. You can shit through the hole. Yeah. That's how you open the hole or you could be fucked through it. You could absolutely be fucked through that hole. If you put briefs on backwards it does a better job of pulling your penis through your legs and hiding it. Yeah. So you're not embarrassed. I like to be perfectly flat. You're not embarrassed. No bulge. You're not embarrassed of your penis. Which is a big problem for me. You know how girls hate bulge. Yeah. Hate it. They believe they believe in smart design. Wow. They believe in it. They believe. Do you believe? Do you believe in smart design? Your dick sucked through the hole. I can feel

something inside my ass. I really do think I'm getting fucked up. Back welding will be the most comfortable underwear socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies and sweatpants and more that you'll ever wear. They got more dude condoms. Dude I hate uncomfortable condoms. They put them on. They're all scratchy. Yep. Your cock is, I get an allergic reaction. I have to use Velcro condoms because I'm mentally retarded. That's right. But Mack Weldon underwear. It feels a lot better. That's that kind of stuff. Damn. Yeah. They know about that shit, brother. They got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally anti-microbial. When you're saying, what does that mean? They're made out of silver? No.

I thought they were and then I let my friend fire his handgun into my penis. That's right. And now I have no, I've lost my penis in what I like to call the Iraq of science. The Iraq of experimentation. Well I was not deployed in Iraq itself. I did, I lost my penis and I consider myself a veteran. Absolutely. I feel like if you lose your dick in any kind of accident, you should be get a purple heart. You're a veteran. That's a war. Yeah. You are. You get the Applebee's discount. You get the Panera bread discount. You are on the same tier as a farm industrial thrasher. Yeah. Any type of penis accident. Once your cock comes out of your fucking body. Welcome to the US. It's ripped off in a factory. Semper

fine. You have PTSD and you hear like that loony tunes. Turn it off. Turn it off. You just feel a phantom dig in your pants. The silver line of underwear and shirts are naturally anti-microbial, which means they eliminate odor. Whoa. I know I smell bad. No matter how stinky your pussy is, you don't make it disappear. Look, dude, a lot of women who listen to this show have just disgusting. There's stink lines. I say I'm not gonna fuck them and then I do. Yes. We look at the analytics with your nub, with my nub. I'm like, neither of us are going to enjoy this. And you take their pants off and you go, Oh, God, it's like a subway that went out of business six months ago. So is there an Indian family living

in an out of business subway? They do. Are they all shitting in one, seven, 11, big golf cup? Christ. That's what it smells like. It's like an Indian family died in a subway that they were also using as a toilet. It's a yeasty kind of India. Anyways, that's not true. I have never said that. No, but if your pussy smelled like that, Mac Weldon would have no problem clearing that up with their silver and microbial shit. Listen up, Indian guys, they got a silver line or anyone. He's just being specific. Anyone with smelly genitalia, anyone at all with a smelly pussy could have been an Italian family in that way to be comfortable. So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they'll still refund you.

No questions asked. No bullshit questions by them. Is your dick small? I'll ask the questions. We'll call you up personally. Is it because your cock is little motherfucker? Is that why? Is it because you're too Indian? Or not Indian for that matter? No, you're not even Indian. I'm just asking. These are some of the questions we will ask. These are some of the questions that I will ask, but Mac Weldon won't. Here's just some of the questions Mac Weldon won't ask. Will not ask. They will not ask you this. Is it because your dick is too small? Is it because you're Indian and you smell too bad? No. No one is asking you that. It is not Mac Weldon or us actually. We will not even be asking that one. We're processing your refund

right now, Mr. Vikram. Just real quick. Are you too Indian? We couldn't help but read the name. We just saw your name. Perhaps you're too. They will not ask you that. No one will ask you that to be clear. Just putting a note in here and refunds good. Very good Diwali to you too. Happy Diwali. Not only does Mac Weldon underwear, socks, and shirts look good, they perform well too. It's good for working out, going to work, going out on dates. Just every day in life. Getting fucked in the ass. Getting fucked in the ass. So go to macweldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMTOWN, C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20. All word, one word, COMTOWN, C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20. Wow. Check them out. That felt like having an old friend back. I did.

Oh, great. I missed him. I missed him and I'm going to be missing them after they listen to this one. After they listen to that. Yeah. Felt like going over Thanksgiving, just chopping it up with your friends from high school. Yep. And then you told them about your life now and they don't want to hang out with you. And they don't want to and they're like, oh, yeah, we're different people now. They were gone for a long time because I couldn't figure out how to sign a PDF. Hilarious. Yeah. You got to use the hello sign or some shit, dude. That sounds a little too... There's some fucking... You ever do that shit? What? There's like docuSign and helloSign and all this other shit. Oh, yeah. Also, I guess I should plug

as long as we're in the closed corner. COMTOWN. Oh, yeah. We got t-shirts. They don't have anti-brike microbial shit. I don't. None of that shit. None of the good shit. No, not gilding. They're next levels. There's some good shit. Next levels. Organics. The people who request gilding because people are like, can you print these on some gildings? They're fat as shit. You're fat as shit. Yes, I know. They're so heavy duty that they suppress your titties. Yeah, right. We know you have big ass nipples under there. There's one type of gilding that's good. No, there isn't, bitch. Next levels make my arms pop, dude. Nice. Yeah, make your buys look big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick will also be printing next little

bikini briefs because it makes his balls pop. Now, they doesn't have a penis. I'll be selling t-shirts, also clothes, t-shirts on the road this weekend at Rochester on the 3rd, September 3rd, then in Boston the 16th and the 17th, Oakland on the 24th, Seattle the 29th, Portland on the 30th, and I'm working on maybe Indianapolis and Louisville in September, and maybe Philly too. Who knows? Stay tuned, folks, and come see us every Monday at Funny Moms and every Tuesday at the stand for Fat Tuesday. Also, if you like the show and you want, you already listened to all the episodes, we got a backlog on Patreon. $5 a month to get an extra episode. Get that shit, you motherfuckers, or underwear. You have to buy one of the things

we just told you. Final plug, the 29th a month from today, although this is coming out on Wednesday, so it'll be less than a month from when this comes out, I'll be at the Lodge Room in Highland Park, Los Angeles, California. We'll both be on the West Coast, dude, but I'll be in fucking Seattle. I don't think I'll be in San Diego before that, but I don't know where. A master of inventory. I just got a tent. I'm trying to go camping with Bobby next time. Nice. Yeah, I want to get into camping. I hate the outdoors, dude. Really? I do. Dude, I love it. I just want to wash my beard in the stream. I'm scared of the outdoors. I don't like bugs, dude. Yes, I don't like bugs. I don't like little noises

from the outside. I don't like mosquitoes. They're fucking assholes. My shit is sweet. Mosquitoes love me. They love me more, dude. Well, you have diabetes. Exactly. I'm just fucking like a candy bar for them. Look at that big old dessert. The only thing that gets me out of Arizona. Exactly, dude. As a mosquito's mom being like, stop sucking on that fat boy. Exactly. Exactly. Left to their own devices. Ruin your dinner sucking on that fat boy. I fucking hate mosquitoes. Yeah, I don't fuck with that. I don't. I like to shit indoors. If I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm almost asleep and I get bit, I spring out of bed and I get so fucking pissed off. It happens all the fucking time. Yeah. There's

just one in your room. The worst is when, yes, the worst is when it's just you and that motherfucker. And you can't, and you fucking turn the lights on. You gotta fucking find him. You gotta find him. Yes, I hate that shit. And it's like 2 a.m. and you're like so pissed off. Going crazy. Sweating, angry, cussing. So you just text some guys, you know, to kind of calm you down. Yeah, Sam, I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time, Mark. Could you go over? Yeah, it's just, I don't know how to find this mosquito. I'm gonna go online and look up a bug chasing. This is helping to find somebody to chase down this bug for me. Oh, yeah, I'll just say it unseen. Invite these bug chasers. Oh, yeah,

they want me to get on all fours and I guess if that'll help catch the mosquito. I guess if that's how if I, that's what I have to do. It's a supportive community. Yeah. Mm hmm. I fucking hate those motherfuckers. The one time I went camping was like in college and I didn't even sleep in the tent. We all passed out listening to Iron Maiden in my car smoking a blunt. So I just fell asleep in my Chevy Blazer and woke up at like 5 a.m. But with no battery because my car had run out of battery. Too much made and do too much made and do that's gay. You just parked in the woods and literally I never even get to camp. We made like a stir fry in the fire, which isn't even like a meal, a camping meal. Yeah, no, it's

not human eldest. No, it was me and these fucking idiots that I got kicked out of my dorm for smoking weed with. So it was just like the dumbest people I knew. But yeah, I was trying to convince myself that they were my boys because otherwise I just made a huge mistake. Yeah, getting kicked out of dorms. I'm going to get into camping and bow hunting and Tomahawk hunting. I'm going to start. I'm going to start hatchet hunting squirrels. You just want to be Arthur. Yeah, I want. I want to be B Arthur. Yeah. B Arthur. It's the trans. I don't know. I don't know if I could actually hunt. No, that seems fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up. Those animals are just chill. I mean, if you eat that, maybe

hunting is the coolest, but it's like the cruelest way. It's boarding. Yeah. What's the best way to kill an animal with bazooka? Bazooka, but then you get to eat it instantly vaporized. But you don't get to eat the meat. Did you? RPG vaporize? How does Joe Rogan kill his animals? That's what that's what we should be doing. Kettlebells. He throws kettlebells at their head. Crushed his skulls. Thunder claps their head. I'm telling you, man, it's really crazy. It's wild. When you bro, when you get that deer up in front of you, when you crush its fucking skull, I can't do Rogan. He has cool kettlebells that are like carved with like a demon's head. Yeah. I want that shit, dude. That's when I'll get

ripped when I have demon kettlebells. Yeah. But is there a humane way to hunt? No, no, no, never go to the grocery store. No, but they're treated worse. No, they're treated good. The meat in the grocery store. First of all, you have to remember that those cows did something wrong. That's true. They're in a past. I might broke the law in a past life. They're bad people. They were they're like, they're Indian guys that messed up somehow. Yeah, come back as an American. Yeah, it's the Indian guys from that bus rape. Yeah, they all they were all cowboy with cows with bus rape. That famous rape on a bus. I think that was an epidemic. Yeah, there was a Bollywood movie speed three.

If the boss goes under 50 miles per hour, we will stop raping. Should we just slow the bus down then? No, no, don't keep going. Yep. Yeah, Sandra Bullock passed on that one pretty quick. I never saw any of the speed movies. What second one on a boat? Yeah, and you it doesn't it doesn't go fast. Yeah. And they don't have Keanu. What is a hacker that has taken over the boat? It's like Willem Dafoe or some bullshit. The boat looks like it's going like three miles an hour. Willem Dafoe or like Tommy Lee Jones. I can't remember who plays the hacker. It doesn't sound like Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah, no, I think Tommy Lee Jones is an under siege to that. He's the best. Yes. So it's Willem Dafoe and he's

like just running around the boat with a laptop like hacking. That movie sucks. Yeah, I was so disappointed because I love the first one and I saw the first one was sick. I saw the second one. I think somewhere on Long Island. They got Sandra Bullock for the second one, but not Keanu. I remember damn Keanu Keanu had the juice like that. He passed. Yeah, he passed. It was like an absolute piece of shit. He's a smart dude. I fuck with Keanu, but yeah, he must have been doing good to fucking be like, nah, I don't want to be in here with Sandy again. I don't want to run this back. I'm kind of jealous of him because he's like, I don't know. I don't think he's a very, he's probably not a genius or anything,

but everyone thinks he's dumb. So whenever he says something that everyone thinks you're dumb, man, whenever he says something, you don't have to be jealous him for that. There's so many other things that he's a master. He's like great at martial arts. He does all his own stunts. He's a millionaire. He's a recognition of public intellectual Adam Flea, but I'm not saying that. Everyone thinks I'm smart. So when you're this, everyone, everyone used to make fun of him for being dumb because of Bill and Ted's or whatever. Yes. And make fun of him for being like kind of like a zero range, which like is true. He doesn't really have much range and he's got like sort of like a weird kind of like negative charisma

and star power. It's like he can do all his stunts and he can like just be in a movie, but I think people used to call him dumb, too. He was going to replace the difference between Neo and John Wick. What's the difference? But yeah, I mean, well, Neo, he takes the he takes the red. He's a hero. What's the difference? John Wick or the blue? What's the difference between their emotional profile? I mean, it's almost like John Wick loves his dog. John Wick is sad and Neo is out to fucking kill his lesbian girlfriend. Yeah, he's trying to kill computers. There's a lot of differences. Or Neo has a whole a mission of hope. I understand that there are different movies and different characters. I'm saying in his show, we get

sad. Yeah, it doesn't read. I would say it does, dude. It doesn't read. There's nuance in his way. Compare that to like an actor like Michael Fassbender, who big penis, huge cock, very talented actor. And like there's plenty of he has plenty of range. It's a completely different between the slave owner and 12 years of slave and the robot and Magneto. Yeah, Magneto. He's all over the place. Yeah. Well, Tom Hardy, Tom Hardy, not that. I mean, he can like do a silly voice here and there. But he's Tom Hardy gets a like, I think people think he's better and people think he's better than he actually is just a movie star. Yeah. Yeah, he's just hot. Yeah. He's got those big lips. He's incredible. I love him. You

love Tom Hardy, Tom Cruz. We're talking about Tom Hardy. Oh, sorry. I was reading a text you're on your phone, not from a guy. Yeah, it was from a guy. You don't get important text messages anymore. We know that I had. It wasn't important text message. It was my doctor. What is your oh shit. They can't grow his cock back. They said that they said that it was your doctor said it can't grow back. Your estrogen levels are off the charts. We're going to know that you want to bottle your estrogen to give the trans people. We're going to have to hook hoses up from you to every trans person in New York City. He said that the transplant surgery has been approved by the insurance like a big mother mother

bug. So I'm getting a huge s dick. Adams Adams. Avi Positor is leaking hormones into a big bat that everyone's every, every trans person in New York's got a crazy straw that goes into it. We're all drinking Adams estrogen from his Avi Positor. Crazy straws should come back. They never really went away. We got rid of one in forever. We don't even have regular straws. That's not what only that's right. That's a that's an act of defiance. Damn, it's the status of the neoliberal status. Use it once. I can go online right now and find it. Somebody earnestly saying that crazy straws is offensive to people with suffering from mental. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, neurodivergent people. That one's

easy. Is that what they call? Yeah, they don't call them like mentally mentally ill. It's neurodivergent. Damn. Damn. You're neuro atypical. My dick is dumbass. I have I'm penile divergent. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I'm a wreck. Tiley divergent. I didn't realize you're a penile atypical. Yeah, I'm penile atypical. Damn, that's so fucking stupid. I want a nice crazy straw, dude. Let's fucking order a big ass pack. That'll show come on. It is really it is really satisfying to use. I know the crazy straw. It's like a roller coaster for your drink. That's right. For your lemonade. Your phantom lemonade for your suicide that you made. Oh, damn 711 shots at the suicides. I remember getting street cred by having the

fucking most fucked up suicide at skate land in Rosdale, Maryland. I used to go to Sprite and lemonade. That was my go to as a kid. I mean, that's not I thought it was just you were fucking up the flavors. I just like soda by itself. No, dude, you got to do a surge surge Sprite Sprite and lemonade is better than surge is the replacement for surge vault. I don't remember. I've never tried it. Vault came out a couple years after they discontinued surge and vault was good. But now everybody's a surge surge is the one with like that was really green and red, right? Yeah. Yeah, you got some last year. Yeah, I got some. They had it on Amazon on Amazon. Yeah. Do it taste good? No, it was all right. I think I tried

a sip and it was like insanely sweet. Surge soda is back. The legendary surge is back. No, it's not dude. It's all coming back. Jinko's surge hacky sack. Fucking the nineties are back, baby. I remember the website doesn't work. It just keeps fucking reloading and fucking up. Those big pants, not Jinko's, but like, I guess like the bondage pants, those pants, those are great to hide, like to sell weed. Yeah. Yeah. Nugs. Yeah. Just put a lot of weed in there and put fucking glow sticks, glow sticks, day rape drugs, GHB. Yeah. I remember like Mountain Dew in the nineties thinking like, damn, if I drank Mountain Dew, I could be a skateboarder. Yeah. Like I just, you thought every advertisement is

100% correct. Yeah. Their whole branding was that is every one. I was like, this is real. Dude, I remember fucking sneaking my mom's lean cuisines to try and not be fat. I remember being like, well, what the fuck? These will work. Yeah. And like, and can I be honest? The chicken Alfredo's pretty good. Yeah. Do you ever fuck with the lean cuisines? No. Never. No. What about lean pockets? Adam eats a peen cuisine, which is a microwavable cock with some cum pudding. It's good. It's not a real thing. It is in your household. Hello. This is the census. What do you eat for dinner? Penis cuisine. Oh, and this is the freedom resident, the freedom residents. Yeah. We'll mark that down. That's down on

the official government record on the record. And it's real. It's an inappropriate question. The census taker dad. This is are you Mexican? That's a new question we got on there too. Did you ever eat lean cuisines, Nick? No, I never ate a lean cuisine. Damn, what the fuck? I would have guessed you would have had a lean cuisine era. No, never, never any kind of like microwave dinner. I mean, the shit I remember eating a lot, a lot of cup noodles died. Dr Pepper. Oh, yeah. Fucking stovetop stuffing that never had stovetop constant, like stuffing mix. My mom used to just have a ton of like Indian food frozen from Trader Joe's. Oh, Trader Joe's. I didn't even know. That shit is all like 20 bucks.

It's from the West Coast. I think we got it before you guys. California had it before Nevada. Nice. Yeah. But like that shit is mad cheap in college. I survived off that shit. But it's got like peen cuisine. It's got like got no. It's got like five days worth of sodium. Trader Joe have. They had like Trader Penis. They had like, you know, he has all it's always like Trader Joe. They got, I think they got rid of Trader Ming's. I think people took exception to that. Really? Yeah. They have Trader Yanni. Oh, race Trader Joe. Damn, Joe's a pirate. It's a pirate themed. It's the it's literally a rapist themed grocery store. And they're like, Oh, we don't want to. We can't be Chinese. We don't want to be racist. Trader Ming, what's

racist about Trader Ming? Well, all of them were like plays on the name Joe fucking care. Yeah, they don't care at all. Yeah. So it should have been Zhang Trader. Well, it's just like it's like it's like people that used to say the N word in high school and are now like SJWs. So that kind of Chinese suck juicy, right. Weiner. Yeah, but it used to be like Trader Giotto's for the Italian. They don't do that anymore. I used to love that shit. I think I know I had an Indian or a Chinese food thing from Trader Joe's the other day and it did not say Trader Ming's on it. And I will not be frequenting their establishment anymore. Yeah, make it racist again. You've lost our business until you're racist again.

Yeah, I'll go. I'm going to go over to Whole Foods or I can get food for whores. Yeah. Sluts. Sluts. Yeah. Is this Whole Foods? I love shopping at Whole Foods. Just to feed my fucking whores. For some dumb bitch to come in here and get dinner for a pussy. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, we used to go to that fucking those horrible like discount supermarkets that like didn't even have meat that just had like canned shit and like the giant like 20 pound bags of cereal. That was my shit, dude. The bootleg fucking Lucky Charms and shit. Yeah, we used to go to Costco and get like frozen burritos like 100 frozen burritos. I just have those after school. Would you put them in your ass first? I thought microwave was cooking. It made me

feel very adult. We didn't have a microwave. You didn't till I was 14 or so. Damn. Maybe 13. Yeah, I had a little black and decker like a toaster oven. Yes, we were a very big toaster oven house. A lot of a lot of cooking in a toaster. Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know that's the only way I prepared hot pockets for the majority of my life. Toaster oven takes so much longer. I know, but guess what? I like that you got a nice little. Yeah, yeah. You could watch it. Oh, I loved watching it, bro. Ding. The ding made my dick hard. Yep. If I hear that ding right now, I will get fucking stiff, dude. Fucking. We'll fuck of those. We'll fuck of those dogs.

Huh? That guy. Path off. Path off. That motherfucker's dogs, dude. I got a fucking Lovian response to that little ding. I'll tell you that much is sexy. My name is Marco Gasexian. No, no, it is a coincidence. My name, it's just a coincidence, man. It's in the village I come from. The village is named that, but it's not what I do. Did that video ever show you that video that guy like going for like a hike near like a lighthouse or something? Yeah, those two Egyptian guys sucking each other's dick. Yeah, those two Egyptian guys like blowing each other. Oh, yeah. But the guy wasn't even hard. That was like the weird thing about it. The one guy was kind of soft. They're both old. Wait, were they 69? No,

it was one guy sucking another guy. I've started before. I love getting my dick sucked soft. Yeah, that's the best. Oh, no, it makes me feel terrible. Why? Well, I love getting hard while getting sucked. I just feel bad for them. Well, your dick will get hard, man. Yeah, you can feel bad for them then. Then I feel really bad. I mean, the part, yeah, just having sex with you in general is what you should be bad about. Well, I feel bad after I bust. I feel yeah, for sure. Like everyone else. I feel bad during there's a brief moment when I'm like first sucking on titties that I'm like, now we're talking. And then the actual moments when I bust and the first second that I'm in. But other than that, other than me

apologizing the whole time, I think I'm pretty confident. We do that is like a bit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm I'm I'm terribly sorry. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I'll be out. I'll be out of your hair in a second. I'm terribly sorry. Out of your hair. He's just fucking her. I like a big push. I just I only like to fuck the pubes. I love to fuck the pubes. That's what my mom, my mommy would do that. That's how you stay clean. I think you only fuck the pubes. I think it's sexist to penetrate a woman. So I have sex with you. I would never penetrate a woman's orifice. Any orifice. Not even if she forced me. Well, I guess we got to head to the show. Yeah, we got to get to the show. Run, run, run, run. Thank you

for listening, everyone. Thanks for listening, folks. Come see us funny moms. We're there every Monday. Take us for LA. I might have book a second one. Bye.