The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 170 – Carmen San Diego

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

We're seeing adam off to the airport, so he can go to san diego to dress up like that girl from the video game.

I'm coming in with three drinks for the pod It's underneath you you sat on it. Oh, I think you unplugged my cell phone It was right underneath you Um, there it goes. Yeah, it's under your butt Here there's no you pulled it off. There's no way to enter the couch gracefully So, you know, it's got a little obstacle course To figure out what to donate to Goodwill, but it's like, you know, what it's like do you want wires? Yeah, dude, they want a box of wire. You just drop off a bag and they'll take anything. Yeah, that's what I do

It's like a garbage bag of crap. That's fucked up. Do you give him garbage the poor don't need your garbage, dude I write off the garbage on my taxes Fuck dude, my ass cheeks my ass is playing the tuba right now. I Had food poisoning in Oakland. Yeah, I thought I had a respite from it, but my shit's back Dude, I had this shit. I I got food poisoning. Maybe you have colon cancer. You think so. Yeah Yeah, damn, that would be fucking gay, dude. I'm gonna be I'm gonna love with you. Yeah, I would not want that Well, yeah, because they have to inspect your ass What happens if you go in cancer? Do you die? Yeah?

Is there any chance? No No, I think it's a high survival rate cancer. Really? I have no idea Do they cut your ass? I know testicular cancer. It's got a pretty high. Yeah, just chop one of your nuts off Yeah, which is seems fine You got a fake nut. No dogs get fake nuts. No, you can get a prosthetic They don't give dogs fake nuts. Well, you said dogs get them, but people don't yeah, they give dogs fake nuts sometimes They do they don't they definitely give dogs fake nuts sometimes your dog gets neutered Move your dog. Sometimes they give dogs fake nuts. That's your choice. You know a dog with fake nuts. I think I do

Off the top of my head. So you think this is an option for dogs, but not people. Yeah, that's why people get fake nuts You know, it's fake Because you want to have like a balanced nut sack if you get one. I think it would look cool to have a unit Man, you just get dumber first of all, okay, I'm willing to admit that sometimes people have the option to get fake nuts You're the same way did not admit the same but most anyway all dogs all dogs some dogs They only have breast implants for parents They don't make that if a woman gets a double mastectomy. She's SOL. It doesn't make you more to have two nuts doesn't make you hotter Why don't you talk about it? It's private. Why would a dog need prosthetic nuts?

I promise you motherfuckers sometimes dogs get fake nuts. You promise? Yes. Well, he's promising I'm pretty sure dude. He promises that he's pretty maybe somebody told me that as a joke They got their dog fake nuts. I don't remember. It sounds like a very funny The point is I think you get dogs fake man who laughs at everything. You're bad at determining. What's That's the joy of my life, dude. I don't know what's a joke. I think everything's a joke. Yeah, and everything's real at the same time That's similar to the duality of having a hard-ass dick. Yeah, that's that's exactly I Have a friend who got his nut chopped off and he only rocks one nut

Do you know anyone with a fake nut? How about we do it that way? I know Tom Green had a nut removed Yeah, he got a fake one. Did he? Commedian Dez Bishop has a fake nut. Fuck. Okay two to one I actually don't know that for sure. Oh My friend Nate one ball Nate shots out to him I just saw him actually in San Francisco He lives out there didn't Duncan Trussell have nut cancer. I don't know did he I don't know. I'm trying to think of comedians Because we all get cancer. Fuck if I have colon cancer. I'm gonna be pissed. It's not me. It's the microphones They don't give us cancer. I'm gonna go out smooth. There's a heart attack old school. That is cool Yeah, dad's not even being bad shape but get a heart attack. That's the coolest way to die boom

Yeah, explosion. Yeah, that would that would yeah Fuck sometime Okay, I think I have hemorrhoids. Does that mean you have colon cancer? No hemorrhoid is like on your ass Yeah, it's it's not a good sign. No, it's like your whole system is fuck Well, you get hemorrhoids from shitting shitting too much and I love to shit though Yeah, I should all the time. I love holding it down and by being fat. Yeah So that's two things that I have going against me that your fat's pushing your asshole inside out and that's what causes the hemorrhoids Yes, I mean it is. I know yeah and sitting down

I was just it was always a funny when you do that joke where you're like your medical opinion is that I'm too I'm so fat. It's causing me issues. No, that's not the point. You fucking retard so fast That he has to pee that was there's got to be a different answer to why I'm pissing all the time I checked diabetes. I checked all the other fat people shit Mm-hmm. He was just like saying that it squeezes me and I he just I we've talked about this before that guy Dr. Just something was on his way out on for a fucking tennis match or whatever the fuck He's wearing a little windbreaker. He's going skiing actually. I just remembered. Oh, so he kind of just made He was literally he's a piece of shit and if I see him in the streets. It's on site and I still pop pop

Mm-hmm And one and he was like the one thing he said he was like, okay We can either do that or we can the other thing we can do is this test where we put A tube up your ass and a tube in your dickhole and we fill you up with liquids and see how long it takes for you to piss We empty you out completely so we suck liquids out of your cock through a straw and then we put Piss back in your dick. Maybe not piss. Maybe something else and while something's in your ass for some reason So they check your prostate and I was just like no, I'll just piss all the time That's a pissing issue, it's not a fetish you're like the Lizzo of calm

I never said healthy at any size. That's that's a straw man that you guys are creating right now Identity, it's not I don't find it It's a community Would you call would you call being black at disease? No, then you wouldn't call obesity That's not what I'm saying rich cultural history. The point is I didn't want tubes in my ass and dick at the same time bust and stately individuals I Think I just have a fucked up penis. I don't think yeah, I don't think it's cuz I'm fat necessarily So if he was like we think the issue is that you have a fucked up penis. Yes

It's your bladder not your dick. Whatever it is figure out what the fucked up thing is in my body If he was like your dick's too small, no, I can't hold a lot of piss Small your dick is so that's the answer. Honestly if there was a solution and that was the problem Yes, if he was like your dick is too small, but if we put a little something We put a little extra cartilage in there or something. It'll solve your problem All I was looking for was a solution and this man this fat phobic doctor tried to blame it on On here you go with your identity stuff He tried to blame it on my fat if he was like listen if you lose weight, it'll definitely stop

But he was like, I don't know maybe you're too fat So he was you know what I changed my mind I remember being like and the doctor said that I got HIV from having unprotected gays. No, it is not the same thing You motherfucker this homophobic doctor Said that I got a From getting blasted constantly at the grey house. He did not fix my problem If he had said lose 50 pounds, you won't piss anymore. That's not what he said. He was like just lose weight We'll see I'm not losing weight just to see yeah

You have to be sure Stop just sitting with sunglasses on and a cane in the doctor's office. He's blind now. I'm not losing weight just to see There's got to be more incentive. I can still smell and taste all the chocolates Honestly in terms of enjoying chocolates sight is the lowest on the totem pole Honestly, the next move for you should be becoming blind and getting really into Zydeco music. What's Zydeco? You know, it's like the music from the Popeye's commercials. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be a good second act. Yeah Bluegrass have a little motorized wheelchair go by dr. Stavros

That would be good you're right So they got a new fried chicken sandwich and it's good I have not tried it because I have been actually on a bit of a health kick. Yeah, you're looking good So, thank you Adam. So I have been I it's been hard for me not to try the new Popeye sandwich But apparently there is a competitor. They've disrupted the market and Chick-fil-a is running scared Oh, hey homophobic asses, honestly Yeah, I would love to do this You can play the washboard

Jug I would like to play a jug a jug in a washboard. Ladies and gentlemen dr. Stavros How y'all doing tonight? How you doing? I like that style of music. They just play garbage Mm-hmm. Different pieces of trash. Yeah, well radiator The spoons I was really in the spoons for a hot the saw people can play a saw. Yeah, that looks cool The theremin is the gayest of all the no theremin's cool You would you like to play theremin, but it's you like it you like it because it's an antenna and you have antennas Dude, you saw the Brett Stevens news today. Yeah, it's been a tough finally. I feel seen Wait theremin's don't have antennas. I thought it was just cups that you play. No, it's like antenna

You're thinking of you put your hand in between these two antennas No, isn't that called something else No, when it's just a bunch of glasses and you like one glass called the glass Armonica it's one of the things Ben Franklin invented and people are like wow look at this thing that no one will ever use Other than to point out that Ben Franklin invented it. That's the thing man They tell people to talk about Ben Franklin inventor. Yeah, it's like what the fuck did he ever invent that has any value? Fucking bifocals That's one thing that's pretty big. It's also like one other somebody was sooner or later somebody else

Yeah, but you can say that if almost everything. Yeah, he probably invented some kind of self-suck machine We don't even know about yeah, he definitely meant his personal fucking machine his personal sexual Inventions, I mean he died of syphilis. No, everybody died of syphilis back. He invented the the lightning rod What and what the foot? What's the point of that? House from burning down who gives a shit. Yeah, good point. That's a Franklin stove Yeah, a stove in the middle of your house. We see that all the time That's the thing that people heat you so fuck. Yeah, you know, it's a better invention than that the George Foreman grill

And I was invented by a mentally retarded man And he couldn't he know Hulk Hogan famously Mm-hmm missed out on the endorsement. Well, they said do you want to invent the George Foreman grill and he said no brother? No, brother. My name is Hulk Hogan. I'm down here in Tampa With children in the end word having sex with children and radio show hosts wives age age He invented the hand paddle which is a device worn by swimmers during training What you swam? Well, he you don't need to be a swimmer

Paddle that's stupid Next yeah, what else the glass harmonica bifocals Oh, it is called the glass harmonica glass our monica I thought it was a glass harmonica Pardon me the cat. It's a harmonica with a get him get him kitty Yeah Franklin's electrostatic machine one of those balls where you touch it. That's cool. That's cool It doesn't really have a lot of work. What are those? Those are called the put that in gas gas gas Gadsden

Generators Yeah, no, there's a name for those it's no I don't think you're thinking of the one because there's Tesla coils and then there's the fucking The other thing they have at science museums, you know, I'm talking about. Yeah, the thing we put your yeah The thing you put your fucking head. So he was an avid swimmer Damn and when he was 11 he invented Swimming fins was he ever hot or was he always fat? Yeah, you never really see the young you never see the young guys George Washington apparently was a redhead who was hot

Yeah, and he was tall too was tall. Oh You know what he invented also the urinary catheter. Whoa Oh, that's a huge one Nick. Yeah. Well, apparently it's useless according to stop I didn't say it was useless. I said I didn't want one shoved in my dick hole He said that they don't do anything. Oh now this website says our Monica. Whoa, Nick was Nick is vindicated. No, not necessarily His bitch ass. I feel like these are a lot of good inventions Thomas Jefferson invented to didn't you make up the elevator Thomas Jefferson invented almost everything

Thomas Jefferson. Yeah, he invented our democracy. Oh, yeah, we why'd you say Thomas Jefferson as opposed to what George Jefferson? Yeah, I don't know one of the other We have they're saying and I was like, yes, you fucking idiot Thomas Jefferson I was trying to place him yeah all those guys cuz back then the you know, everyone was retarded So to be a genius. It was very easy. That's true. Yeah, that is very true TJ was also famously dipping down with the swirl. Yeah, there was like one guy that was like Hmm, I just said I don't want to let everyone know that he had no no Shut up well, then why'd you say same? That's true. You know cuz as a bit

No, well, just own it then why'd you whisper saying barely off mic? Yeah, cuz like I make it worse So stop and I could have a little moment like guy talk kind of moment. Oh, that's what you call them So because you saw us doing locker room talk Yeah, cuz Nick's not an athlete like us man. Yeah, that's true. He invented the only one of us. That's in shape Yeah, but you're not an athlete. I'm 10 pounds underweight You're in shape. You don't have the heart of an athlete. What's that? He invented an odometer for a carriage What so you could tell how far the car the horses? Yeah, like in a car Oh

Interesting who Thomas Jefferson. No, Ben Franklin Ben Franklin can still fuck off Why he's done so much good shit. No, this is Nick's fat phobia, dude. That's what this is Ben Franklin wasn't even that fat He was pretty fat. He was maybe for like, you know, San Francisco, but that's what everybody in Austin just looks like Ben Everyone has that long. Oh, you know what Ben Franklin made this everyone in Austin looks like Ben Franklin They just fuck hot Do I need to move so he actually honestly? Yeah, you clean up an awesome If all you gave a shit about was getting pussy as soon as you hit 32 You should just move to Austin get sleeves and then fuck girls with nautical

Just wreck till 50. That'll be awesome. They're like, yeah, I'm like, you know, he's pretty fat What does he look like young? I don't know a good point. Yeah, no, that's because the way Adam gets too much pussy in New York Because of all these ladies that wanted because all the way down. I've seen Annie Hall and think I need to go to Austin. That's true Okay, so when he retired He wanted to spend his time reading and studying, but he found this is how gay he looked young that is pretty Yeah, no, I check out the waves, dude. I Love the idea of Ben Franklin sleeping with a do rag on Yeah, come on man, you're exposing yourself is not understanding the black community

Okay, so yeah, what is eating fried chicken shut up shut up Is it cool? He's so Ben Franklin found it difficult to reach books on high shelves Respect fact I've invented that little claw with the dinosaur Yeah, he literally did it Even though he had many grandchildren to help him he invented a tool called a long arm to reach the high books I mean, that's barely invention man. Now with Nick along with it I mean, there's so much with the grasping claw at the end. He invented that. Yeah, that's a that's a that's a fat man I'm actually with Nick on that one. That's why I say you should be all about that someone would have made that also a

Lat a little ladder would have made that. What does that mean? He was the first one. That's what an inventor is. I Guess that one's stupid stupid. Yeah, it's like if it never existed. It's like I guess. Yeah Also, who didn't he have some weird fucked up recipe for like milk punch? Weren't you saying that? Nick, did you tell me that? I don't think he wrote the anarchist cookbook He made some kind of disgusting his recipes were bad. I think I Feel like somebody told me that but who knows the Franklin stove is important because it was like a furnace for people's homes Okay, shut up, dude. Now we've talked about it so long. I'm anti Ben and he's one of my heroes This is what I mean. It's like the the more you make people defend Ben Franklin the dumber his shit

Yeah, yeah, it's like yeah, I understand it heated people's houses, but it's one of those like multi-use things It's worthless like a futon. Yeah fucking spork or I think a spork is I think there should be more conversion ban conversion bands good for Fucking fucking inside of yeah Unfortunately, it's you it's also used for non-consensual. You're gonna fuck in any car Not with ease Yeah Well conversion bands you can't what have you been in the back of one? There's a little table for playing cards

You could fuck on that table. Mmm. Not really better than you could on a foot in in the front seat of a Corolla Conversion bands are sick cuz it's like yo, what if you're just driving around with your boys and you want to get a game There's such a sick van on the next block over for me I walk I walk my dog passes. Do you know what a Mitsubishi delisa is delica? Oh, yeah Yeah, those shits are so tight. Yeah, I really want one the Mitsubishi delica They're like those. What are the MRV's or whatever does like 80s? Yeah cab over. I'm naming my daughter delica Yeah, look at this shit. Oh, yeah, that rocks. It's tight. Yeah Mm-hmm, there's a

There's a really there's like a stay-at-home dad who drives that car I see him around the neighborhood during the day and he's got the best life, bro That's you good. I Want to fucking be a sugar a sugar boy, dude, I would love to be a stay-at-home dad. Oh, absolute trophy husband I would rock it. I'd fuck around with the kids You know help them with their homework and shit. Yeah smoke weed all day fucking weed watch fucking caillou. Hell, yeah Damn, my tummy get into different hobbies that never really go anywhere. Yeah, I'm trying to find weird cab over Yeah, I would I'm gonna be

I want this Mitsubishi delete the lease of these are called the Nissan van at Those are cute. Very similar. It was men had raped me It's special Photoshopped that van on stage Standing in front of a mic mic stand and then it's still the same audio from there And it was men who raped me and they men who sexually write me and see because he was good They see he was good. She's got a new special. Oh, yeah, do you have a nasty bruise on your I know I don't know how it happened. Yeah, you have from the gym. You have colon cancer. I don't have colon

I thought is in your ass. Yeah, but I mean you're like it spots from your rotting from the inside out It's a bruise from being active Okay, so I've been working with a personal trainer. Thank you, Adam. I didn't want to Announce that if you okay Yes, I need a stronger man to control my body I would love just a stronger buddy to tell me what heavy things I need to lift I lift heavy things. He tells me he's proud of me. He says that no Well, we've just started where it's been, you know, four weeks

You just start crying during a training session being like you've never told me Yeah, damn these sign kept making that gay van forever. The van. It was imported here for like two years and the Americans were like gay Sorry gay and then in Japan, they're like, but we like gays Kept making it. Yeah, here's a 2009 van. It Wait, it looks old. Yeah, doesn't look 10 years old. It looks like from the 90s. Yeah Fuck dude, my stomach is fucked This sucks living rooms, bedrooms, man. Oh, yeah, you can find them at the market. We talking about flea market Well, I'll tell you what folks if you like gambling. Oh, yeah, you'll like a new

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bet win Get paid which is different Staccato slogan this is a totally different concept. Yeah to the last Get paid win you bet you bet you bet you bet they you bet you bet they pay you you bet no money down My bookie dot com. Well, and we're black and we're mother friggin black. We're black I got that a children's movie called. We're black and they bring dinosaurs back and they're like man You said to be motherfucking we'd be there be lettuce

Like dinosaurs love lettuce. Well, I don't know. I'm trying to think what dinosaurs eat Like they're big turtles I imagine they love yeah, let us Isn't lettuce like a cultivated thing Let us on the ground it was gonna be There would be cabbage I guess, you know a triceratops I guess the triceratops was black in that movie his name was woog Wait, which one and we're back. I've never seen that. Oh There's two brothers one's good one's evil the both of them have time machines nice the evil one goes away Maybe I have seen the evil one goes back in time and captures dinosaurs to use them in the circus

The good brother feeds them pills that makes them smart And then the smart dinosaurs become like gay and cartoonish and different children So so the regular dinosaurs are still like angry and well, it's weird because the good brother actually Subjugates curses them curses them with the punishment of consciousness. Yeah, you know, that's a much worse a T. Rex Needs to kill things to eat right, you know, I mean, he doesn't have to think now He's got to think about whether it's moral or not Yeah, so the evil brother is actually the good one or at least that was my takeaway Damn why the circus

Couldn't you like clone them and make more money or some shit? I don't know But the circus is in Central Park at night and it's like a punk rock circus. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, is it does that involve a spaceship too? Yeah, well the time machine is like a spaceship Okay, maybe I think I have seen that movie. Yeah, but I don't recall any of the details I'm nervous. It's my evil brother. He went mad after the loss of his eye and instead of an eyeball He just has a screw in his face. Yeah, I remember this movie. Yeah, what is it a cartoon? Yes What the fuck? What do you mean? Is it a cartoon? I've never seen it

Well, how would it be live-action? It could be live-action a lot of movies are Adam if you mind not moving around so much your diapers picking up on We can hear your diapers scratching, you know, I don't wear a diaper. Well, then what's that sound Adam? I'm just I'm just letting you know when you fidget like that You're wearing when you're not wearing it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Just stay still just stay still for the sake of the recording I'm saying it still as I can I've been a statue this entire episode your diapers

Look, I'm not trying to be not trying to be fucked up or anything, man. Listen, we'll cut all this out Don't worry. Please just admit you're wearing a diaper. We'll cut it out Just say you're wearing a diaper and we'll cut it later. You will cut it. We will just admit that you're wearing Well, so why do you need me to admit it? Go ahead and just go ahead and we'll cut it. No problem Go ahead and cut it later. Just say you're wearing it. Just go ahead and admit you're wearing a diaper. We'll go ahead and cut it. Oh It looks like the cutting device Oh, no, I thought you do that in post. No, it's while we mail the podcast off and that office is closed. Yeah, dude That's what they just do it in post means is that you know the post office. You have to walk it post them out

Shit, so that's not gonna happen. I guess. Yeah, damn Man, it's okay. People might not have heard it Try playing some Gran Turismo last night couldn't do it for old time's sake shoulder is just done For the rest of my life your shoulders too injured for your toy car. Yeah, literally What's wrong? I mean regular I just have like a chronic shoulder injury driving a car even like doing this is painful Hmm, like any anything no dabbing. I yeah, I can't do anything where I cross my arm over like my body Maybe need surgery. I mean I probably do. Yeah, like that for years What was the inciting incident? I have no idea probably lifting weights incorrectly. Yeah years ago

That's what I tell you dude. You don't have the heart of an athlete. What do you mean? I've continued to exercise even though I have I'm doing racing your butt Yeah, despite the fact that I have a chronic injury, but it's way more not meant for it It's the heart in the mind. You're not meant for your body's not your body's not meant for it You fucking you You were handicapped For three months because you tried to take the stairs up at the two-story water He played basketball three minutes. Yeah, because you two quit on me

We didn't and I was never involved in the first was and I didn't get to play with strangers I didn't get the no they wanted to do a three-on-three podcast basketball. That's right And I was the only one no one because I was shouldering all the burden I actually went to a driving range three days ago, so I'll have you know where Chelsea Pierce Chelsea Pierce Have you been I haven't been to that one, but I love going to driving ranges. It's amazing. It's so right on the water Yeah, it is cool. We went at sunset and it's like damn. I'm rich now Yeah, yeah in high school. We used to get a 30 rack of bruise Balls his best should happen though like so they have a machine that automatically tease up the ball

And it just it comes out of the ground So I think I broke in or whatever look the ball wasn't coming out so I hit the attendant button and I'm looking around and no attendants coming but there's a guy walking around and Eventually he walks by and I'm like, uh You know and like without like he doesn't look at me doesn't make any kind of contact I just rips a fucking vacuum cleaner out of like some closet and comes over and just tears the top of the machine off and it just starts The end of the vacuum and he's like like look he's just he's pissed. Yeah about something else, right?

I don't know what it is. Yeah, just how much that guy hated his job It was just like this rules Yeah, fuck him. Yeah watching people just lose their shit is is the best Damn, what were you hitting with a driver? I don't know. I just said give me the thing 69 iron I I've been to a driving range. Maybe three times in my life. I don't remember You know what I don't know shit about golf. Yeah, I know The head can actually suck my dick. It's like I remember I know I like all I know how to like they hit the ball You know, that's really all you need. The rest is chance. It's like poker. That's so true

That's true. It's a game of chance Everyone just close their eyes and hits the tee and then they're like, well, I guess that's a good shot So I don't like basketball because it's basically 98 percent. So I'm sure there's some skill You could develop in terms of like knowing what the ball looks like or whatever Outside of that. It's mostly luck of the draw You throw it. Maybe it goes in. Maybe it does. Yeah, that is that's that's yeah, those are words to live by Statistically speaking you pair up any two people in the game of basketball and they have a 50-50 chance If they played if they played an infinite amount of games one person would win 50 times the other person

Yeah, that's true. So you were within an infinite number of games Yeah, you would have exactly 50% so if you played LeBron James and basketball Infinity half the time That's just probability that is a flip of a coin that is called a mathematical determinant. Mmm a mathematical Probabilical termination Yes, sir

Damn dude, I don't remember the last math I learned. Yeah, if a train leaves St. Louis and Another one leaves Cleveland and they're speeding towards each other. Yes at three hundred and eighty miles per hour they collide and the one train weighs a million pounds another weighs two million pounds and And one is filled with feathers and one of them is filled with feathers But they hit each other so hard that they both go up at the same time. Yeah, and they go into space Yes, there's less gravity true, but also less friction. Oh

Now both of the trains are moving through space at the same speed at the same without gravity without Then a blank spot for your answer This is no question. What's going there? What? That's pretty fucked up, huh? Yeah, Marcus. Did you replace the standardized test with your own question? I thought maybe it was you know, I could do it in a way where the children have more fun I thought maybe we should update some of these questions, you know because of Tesla Yeah, right the trains don't use motors anymore. So I thought some of the math problems were racist That's true against the students whose parents have Teslas. Mm-hmm

Dude, I remember being a little ass kid and seeing those problems that were like Cleveland and something MPH's and I was like, bro, when I learn how to do this Yeah, when I learned these shits The ones about it's funny. Yeah a difference. I remember because they would do it So easy they would hype them up on TV or whatever Yeah, the kind of shit that like Cody on step-by-step, right? I gotta study for the big train leaving the station Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I remember my my reaction was the opposite. I was like fuck dad Dude, I'm never fucking doing anything dude. I was like, I'm never learning shit

Well because it seemed so crazy that you'd be able to find that out. Yeah, and it's obviously so easy You multiply whatever the fuck times however many hours or you're being obsessed with weapons Yeah, I was too scared of weapons I know I knew all about like Thompson submachine guns and fucking M16s and AK-47s and like that's so fucking funny Yeah, I was really into like into weapons. Yeah, and then they're like hydrogen bombs and ICBMs and understanding like what? Like the video games? No, not even I just thought it was cool Yeah, I mean I would go to like the air and space museum. I was like fascinated with the atomic bomb and you know Yeah, seeing those big missiles and it's like damn. We could like kill everyone everyone on the planet

We would all just kill each other. Yeah. Yeah, it was fascinating Yeah, I I never I was I would get excited about that What outside of that I didn't like learning like fourth grade fourth grade It's a little that's so fucking just drawing guns. Yeah, no literally drawing drawing the radioactive symbol over and over again drawing bombs I only was I Was fascinated by like nuclear shit because I didn't understand it I thought it was just magic. Yeah, and I wanted a superpowers, but I just didn't understand it. No, not at all. Why? Why? What about it? Then you understand how it could be that powerful. Yeah, you know what I mean

I still it is crazy that that happened split others Some shit for some reason that makes so much fucking power at the fuck It's like all this shit that was like theoretical physics, and they were like, I mean try it Let's just smash uranium together, and then it creates this giant explosion. You're like fuck. I guess I guess it checks out Yeah Well time to kill a bunch of Japanese Did we fuck yeah, yeah, well those Japanese I think it's cool actually Adam. Yeah

Well, hold on let me ask you this Well, yeah, never mind. I'll ask you again. You asked me like three minutes. I'll ask you in like Literally like three seconds. Okay. I'll ask you about one You know another thing that happened During World War two, what's that you take it away during World War two Was it was the first time that GIs were getting yatted they were getting yatted up So there are people being taken in trains. Oh, is that what you want to talk about? So they got they were put on and you needed a way to

They were stuffed in the cattle cars, and they didn't go outside for you weren't gonna learn their names You weren't gonna learn the name. So how did you keep track of them? So it says to keep track of them you gave them a sick Tattoo, and you know it's funny. It's like I always thought like why not gauge out their ears. Yeah Why not give them glow sticks true? Mm-hmm. It's very industrial. You could take the gauges out. Yeah, but you know, it's forever Yeah, a beautiful tattoo. I was laughing about we do we do a holocaust again here, but this time it's for Italians And they have a concentration camps with whatever when you're here your family is in German on the gates

It was says when you hit your family It's just like good fellas. They're all making fucking pasta in their cells I would love it if they did an Italian holocaust Because Italian people be like this is okay. It's okay to do this or be like, yeah, yeah, fuck you. Shut up. Shut the fuck up you dumb wop. Shut up. You're white You're white basically who care you're the worst kind of white people Most racism is your fault It's the overt obnoxious kind that nobody likes. Yeah Yeah, anyways, yeah, so those tattoos or whatever if you're gonna be in Philadelphia

Check out Benji Harris at the Philadelphia tattoo collective. All right, Benji. You said he's a friend of the show We thought it would be a good idea to get a local ad. Yeah Our international on an international podcast most of which the audience is in Norway Yeah, and Melville people don't understand that but we're huge in Norway. We actually are really. Yeah Should we go? Um, I Would love to I mean I was gonna go to Norway by myself kind of trip. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah I was gonna Adam eat his brain. I was gonna go to Norway on my own by myself But Benji Harris is from Norway Benji big dick Benji he can really tattoo a fucking picture

Why are you gonna be in Philadelphia? If you live in Philadelphia, we're in the greater Philadelphia get a From Benji Harris is a Philadelphia tattoo collective while you're there. Don't want a tattoo. Are you gay sounds gay to me? Sounds like you're gay. Oh, you are gay. Oh, you are that's well, well, then why don't you have a tattoo? Yeah, maybe you're one of maybe you're one of these uncool gays that wants to join the military and suck off John McCain Oh, you bitch. Are you John McCain? Are you trying to hide your identity after faking? Oh, fuck. Well, why not get a tattoo of Megan McCain's tits on your arm? That's a great question because the real John McCain wouldn't do something like that So if you're listening John McCain, so if this is John post go see Benji Harris

Of the Philadelphia tattoo collective to get a tattoo of Megan McCain's tits for half price Yeah, if you're dumb enough to actually do we'll pay for it. Well, we will not pay for we're not going to pay for it But guess what if you think there's a veteran discount fuck you suck our fucking dicks, dude No veterans should have gone to college. You should have gone to you're taking your GI bill money bought a gun to put in your mouth Well, I would just say you shouldn't have gone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. That's disrespectful. You can kill So, yeah, just go he's got some good shit. He did a fucking tattoo of a guy with his dick is out Yeah, there's a guy there is there's Satan and and Satan's got big juicy titties That's one of the ones Benji did a big tits Satan big tits Satan that I'm actually kind of horny Frank

Frosetta of big tits Satan That's what they're calling Benji. He did a princess Jasmine and Ariel tattoo. These are good as shit actually pretty good Yeah, no, they do look good, which doesn't really make it easy to be like ha ha No, he's he's a talented. Well, we can mock him for being dumb as shit and buying the buying an ad for the Philadelphia area Follow our boy Benji to he's got a bunch of Instagram comm slash Benji Harris tattoos or you can go to Instagram comm slash Philadelphia tattoo and Both of the one of them's for the the second one's for the store itself And I'm looking at his story. He went on a hike yesterday

Take out Benji's hiking. Yeah, Benji really wants you guys to just watch his Instagram story And then maybe Maybe go get a tattoo. He says it's 10% off if you pay with Bitcoin Damn, there's no promo code my man stacking up big. There's no there's real no way to track the effectiveness Tell him tell him if you're there tell me you from the show. Yeah, damn. Should I get a tattoo? You should get a tattoo He's got a massive dr. Sovereus is Zaya go Yeah, they got a cousin from Greece is calling me. He's got a massive sorry bitch on podcast private high-end

Appointment only studio in Kensington, Philadelphia. I don't know. It's appointment only so if you try to walk in there Get your homeless ass get the fuck out of here making a once you go hang out at Subway and wait around to stab somebody give yourself a Fucking stick and poke you fucking dumb bitch. You can't afford Benji It's co-op artist owned and operated the space and it's all custom works from bangers to body suits He'll do you he'll do you pussies for free. Yeah, so you have to let a fucking if you want your little banger tatted up Yep, you want you in conjected into your pussy lips you go down there They got 11 international award-winning tattooers running the gamut of styles traditional neo traditional Only only tattoos of Keanu Reeves black

Traditional means tattoos for white people neo traditional means Asians black work is obvious Cover-ups is full full race change I Permanent black Shop to get a full race change just tattoo on red lips. Yeah pet portraits. They'll tattoo your dog We'll shave your dog and tattoo it secret messages. Yeah, Pat We'll tattoo one of your dogs fake nuts. Yeah as far as part of your kill switch your dead man switch You shave your dog you tattoo the location of Hillary Clinton's the the docks on Hillary

Oh, you have like a map on your dog Yeah, oh Interesting video game slash anime. So I know I know the big problem people have is they go to tattoo shops They're like I want this anime stuff. Um, we don't like get the hell out of here mega man only we don't do gay Stuff like that Well, they'll do video game anime stuff. They do realism the hipster Pinterest tiny tats Oh, they'll even do little gay shit like that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a fat girl with like a just a triangle Mm-hmm. Just a big girls love those small yeah, well, they're dumb on their hands. They're fucking dumb or like the arm

Mm-hmm. What do you mean like right here? Yeah, they do them like small ones on their fingers And so you know, it's a slutty tattoo that I like a lot. What's that the fucking bows on the back of the You do like the bows. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's such trash. I like paw prints on the titties. That one's that one That is horrific like you for the other dude. Yeah, I like seeing a Imagining there's a bear tearing this woman's breasts Yes, he said Rather than a promo code like to do something fun if you guys come up with some totally horrific ideas for stupid tattoos Try to keep it's like five word descriptions or less. Maybe I could do one or two. All right. How about this a swastika?

Yeah, but all every branch of it is the n-word Go there get that tattoo 50% off I like that and the swastika made out of the n-word that's good Yeah, what about hmm? you tattoo around Your dick a little a baby so it looks like you have it look like on your stomach It's a baby, but it looks like it has a man's penis Oh, yeah, yeah, somebody I saw online some woman got a tattoo of like a baby being raped around like

Which queen yeah Like do you have to put your hand over his stomach, or I guess so you just get used to fucking a child I have no idea. I mean, it's not like that's like Pam from the office. Yeah, that's true I have a little tattoo you're not taking off Pam Beasley's shirt Hmm What about an asshole tattoo like a tattoo around your asshole? That'd be cool. No an asshole on your cheek. I would get a sublime son around my ass That's good black hole son, mm-hmm. Oh black hole son even better

My dick's hard Why won't you come and fuck my ass I'm gay black hole son Why won't you come damn, what if that song is about a butthole? Yeah, that's a good question like brown eyed girl Yeah, I fucked your ass Fuck her ass My dick smells like shit my penis smells like shit

Yeah, you get the zoom-zoom kid tattooed on your belly Yeah, zoom-zoom-zoom Yeah, zoom-zoom-zoom Maybe you could do shading on your cock to make it bigger No, like contour makeup. Yeah contour your car It is nice knowing that the zoom-zoom kid probably had to take a little trip to Epstein's Island Oh, yeah, he had a he had a couple of other rides. Yeah You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, dad. I'm going to be in the commercial

What's that honey? No, I have to fly and plan to go to be in I'm so proud of you He's never said that I'm going to roll a blade down American Legion I'm gonna roll a blade down to the American Legion. They would never let him in. I know they bully me every time I go past there And I'm gonna say my boy is in a picture

Hey everybody, there's that gay roller blade guy Let's all laugh at him He's a 80 year old veterans just in there playing pool On a table that's missing a leg Calling your dad gay. Yeah Nice roller blades gay boy You ain't never gonna get in here to play shuffleboard a 50 cent Coca-Cola you can kiss my ass you're not getting in here

See American Legion is that it's just for veterans. It's for like veterans and then they're friends So but then you can just be like a friend and then at a certain point. There's no veterans there It's just yeah, because I've been to I've been to them. Yeah, and I know the people I went with fucking veterans You know, they always have wood-paneled walls. They do they're disgusting. Yeah, so they're just bros They got one in Chinatown and I so desperately want to be a member of that Damn for the survivors of the rape of Nanking. Yeah, imagine imagine the weird Chinese guys hanging out at the American Legion in Chinatown. I walked past this today the

The the Catholic war veterans like clubhouse Look at the boys hanging out out front. Oh, yeah, those guys are here They rock that's these are perfect. Yeah, they're just too fat Italian guys sitting out on look at the Fupa on this guy Yeah, just sitting out like on the street on fucking beach chairs in front of the Catholic This guy is 90% pussy. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah respect. Thank you for fucking surviving those wars Those guys stormed the beaches of Normandy so I could take a picture of them without their consent Yeah, of Catholic war veterans of the United States father Edward J. Giorgio

Oh, yeah, dude, I want to go hang out at that clubhouse Yeah, names Edward Edward J. Giorgio Edward Giorgio names Giorgio J. Giorgio John Giong Now sorry, I had a stroke for a second there, but no that is my name. I was just also having a stroke while saying it properly Fuck Damn, so it's just just chill zones for the boys a place to get away from your wife Yeah, after killing some fucking Japanese I would love when I'm older to have a clubhouse where we could all hang out get away from our bitch wives

Yeah, no, my cousin brought me to my cousin's grandpa. It's not my grandpa. It's like his fuck on the other side of the other side of the family Who is like I guess a farmer Some dumb fucking like, you know, he's some some kind of redneck, I guess yes And he was like you want to go shoot pool or the American Legion? Really? Yeah, it was my it was me my cousin and then my cousin's sister's fiance at the time. Oh, right right, they're married now, but How old were you? 24-25. Got you. She's at home. Yeah. Well, no, this was you're visiting maybe 26. I can't remember round

Virginia yeah in Virginia and then He was like, you know, you want to just go shoot but he presented it casually like let's go shoot pool before dinner Yeah, like yeah, all right fucking sure we go there and we get there and he's putting on a glove and he's like screwing it You know it's fucking together. He's a new man. Yeah, and then it's just him and these old like American Legion guys and they fucking made us play pool for like three and a half hours and And like we're like third like fucking just nailing all these shots and be our turn I'd be like, I guess I fucked up again, but come on. You got to focus. You got to do better It's like dude go home. Yeah, fuck you you old bitch

Yeah, I was just trying to fucking humor your old. I give you life. This is fucking lame. Yeah. Yeah Anyways, that kind of ruined pool for me. Yeah, you did have a zone where you were getting shootin pool all the time Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah well because I lived by Amsterdam And it was like something to do. I don't drink right. I don't like hanging out with comedians Yes, of course, you know, so the only thing to do is go shoot pool or yeah, you know go to the Adidas store That's true. When I lived in Manhattan. That's all I did Because I either went to the Adidas store I shot pool Nice fuck I go read in a coffee shop and stare at women. Mm-hmm

Growl at them with your big beard dude fucking there's nothing there is no point to trying to get worked on in a coffee shop I can't do it. It's just like oh, yeah, I'm gonna go Make sure girls know that I know how to type I'm gonna go make sure all these hot girl. Oh, what yet? I'm typing. I'm typing bitch I don't know if that gets your pussy wet, but I'm I'm the kind of guy who types some things I'm going clickety-clackety. Yeah, I'm the kind of fellow that fucks and types Bitch if you don't I'm okay. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I could do this shit without even this No, I was born without any kind of internal monologue

It's a disease I have where I have to just announce everything. I can't wait to get out of this fat Filipinos way What was that not I just told you I have a problem. I have a disability Samoan Tomato I don't believe me alone That part was external. I don't some of it was inside Yeah, do you remember when yeah, you're dig was small China town What time should I leave for the airport if my flight's at 430 My dick is small. Um, you want to probably be there probably boys at four

So be there by three. Yeah, I would say three. I'll leave it like 15 20 good Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, the American Legion. It's got one review on Google five stars. Nice From K chan very active post They got do they ever bring horse in for the old guys now They should know I think you're confused as to what an American Legion Well, I mean if you're there, it's just the fellas Why not bring some gals to come in and entertain the troops if you know, I'm saying suck off old guys. Yeah, what's the problem there? Do your grandpa Simpson do that dear Legionnaires as we've informed our members in our last two new

Newsletters the Chinese American World War two veterans congressional gold medal act Was passed by the House of Representatives The U.S. Senate and signed in law by President Donald J. Trump on December 20th. They never talk about the good things he does Yeah, only the negative. We got a lot of these Chinese guys the shooting pool all day and they just won battles And that's how we're gonna win the trade war They're gonna give them they just want a little gold cat that waves to be put in the lobby and I said hey, that's fine Yeah, Trump made them all throw it golden throwing stars. Yeah on a lanyard. Yeah, so this is the lieutenant BR Kim Lau Chinese Memorial post 1291 nice. How many Chinese fought for

Guess a nice amount Accidentally get interned American Legion membership application form name of applicant Service period service number social security number recommended by What if you join what is so this to get into this one you need your name address home phone email address Chinese name Hell yeah, dude, that's a good one. Yeah, you got to get into that one. Oh, yeah

What if you're in the fucking the weekend army, what's that shit called the reserves? Yeah, the guard national guard or some shit service number social security number fuck I should enlist and then get fucking medically discharged. Just so I can get into that Chinese American Legion what would you choose your Chinese name to be dude you need one in Chinese class Jackie Chan This steel steel both military and Chinese valor of the form keep faxing it in over and over again Please stop responding. Just keep trying. Yeah with different Chinese guys. Yeah, yeah, I mean Fucking Shraddow y'all fat Yeah

That would be good man. Yeah, I guess I ran out of Chinese guys. Yeah, me too When I when I watched police story last week, I forgot that Jackie Chan's character in that movie is named Kevin Chan Dude, I got it on blu-ray. I might do that once you actually I gotta finish watching homicide I'm gonna eat a couple of Hershey's kisses smoke my pipe It does oh guys tomorrow night it's fall today at least it does yet is nice feels really nice Oh, yeah, go see Adam tomorrow tomorrow night. I'm gonna go to town and buy shirts if you're in Los Angeles There's tickets available available for the 930 show at the Lodge room tomorrow night the 29th You can buy shirts to where to Adam show a come-back town and come see me same day Thursday the 29th in Seattle

And then Friday the 30th in Portland They will not be if you wear a shirt if you wear a come-town shirt to the show you get special you will get absolutely I will spit on you. Yeah, unless you come in stavey baby merchandise There's nothing anyone is not what you are not welcome in Nick's shirts It's not a band not a band to stand in a comedian from a podcast I've and I are going out solo acoustic this weekend Yeah, dude, call me fucking Bruce call me by your gay Bruce fuck steen call me by your Call me by your lame call me by your call me by your suck me by your dick call me I Got

Sorry Thought we were going well folks that ought to do it comes this this weekend I was on the fucking L train and it was like packed. It was like rush hour Went into the city the other like yesterday morning or the day before that and it was you know Everybody's like real packed in and there was an African guy like a Nigerian guy or something like on the train like two heads away from me And he's like oh my goodness This the train is crazy Which I mean he's done I mean he's not wrong. Yeah, oh my goodness, you know

But I've done that voice so much that I'm like come on man. Yeah Yeah, that's too on the nose, bro. Yeah, stop. Stop trying to make me laugh this morning. It's so crazy I can't believe how crazy the train is back The other thing when I come back from Greece I'm gonna be in Philly on the 21st might add some shows there and then the weekend after September 27th 28th 29th Fort Wayne, Indiana, Indianapolis and Louisville and I got more shit cooking baby coming to Houston in December trying to get an Atlanta And then per day going

Fuck with your boy. Come for a brain in the for brain Indiana I'm about to get civil war soldiers Robin Come let me suck your dick was Indiana in the states Yeah, that was a union state But but but but but I never know the geography of those places. They're all closer to the south and you realize what Indiana Yeah, dude, like I'm going to Louisville after that's only three hours away. Yeah, I'm gonna eat some chips Well, but Kentucky is the upper south. I guess that's sure. Yeah, like Kentucky, West Virginia

That's all like Virginia and fucking Tennessee. You're like next to each other This is weird of me out. Yeah, fucks with me too. Yeah, Kentucky, Indiana me too Yeah, you never like it border. Yeah, yeah Well, Ohio and Kentucky, right? Yeah, so I went to Cincinnati and it was right by Kentucky or some shit Yeah, Cincinnati is Ohio is on the border of Kentucky. Ohio border is West Virginia Pennsylvania and Indiana those Cove Kath kids were from the Kentucky side of Cincinnati

Also, that's where Jerry Springer paid for a whore with a check And then got caught and then in a write-in campaign the people of Cincinnati loved him so much He was reelected for God loved the world so much. He gave them his only not The only time God ever knotted I mean, if you think about it, you're God, right? Yeah, and you fuck up and you get just trash pussy because it's a human so no matter what that's It'd be like if you fuck the dog and then the dog got pregnant and then the puppy was like dad I'm your kid. It's like some half

Some fucked up mutant and you're trying to go to shows and this like Dog mutants like why don't you take care of me? I'm trying to work. I'm trying to work and get pussy from humans if the other dogs killed that dog You'd be like, oh damn. What a shame. Damn. That's my only dog. Yeah You know, I don't think that really hold up listen, I'm Jewish take that Christian I don't know a lot about the New Testament, but I don't think God ever actually like physically fucked Mary Yeah, what happened is the archangel sucked God's dick. He came in his mouth And he spit it into Mary's pussy like a snow snow slow. It was snow. Yeah, was that called snowball?

Snowballing snowballing snowballing snowballing snowblowers creep me out Why they're like leaf blowers for the snow No, I mean snowblowers are the things that make snow. Oh What's the thing that blows snow away? Maybe that's not anything. Maybe yeah, there is no, that's not anything There's not a thing that blows snow away. I thought that they have like leaf blowers. No, bitch You're just thinking of a leaf blower. Sorry, I grew up on the West Coast. I don't know about these suburban cold weather state

Shut up. Yeah, what do you think a lawnmower is? Huh? Something mose lawns. Yeah, you would think that just shut up man For once in your life shut up All right, I gotta go to Los Angeles right now. Oh Oh, Mr. Hollywood. Well, actually this this feels like a minor flex I'm for the first time flying into Burbank and say LAX. Why is that a flex? Because LAX takes like an hour and a half to get to that wherever you're staying and Burbank is just on the other side of The fucking mountain. It's close. It's like 15 minutes. Yeah, if you're staying over there, but everybody knows that

Yeah, but it's like I feel like I feel like constantly you hear people be like, oh, you know what you got to do is fly into Burbank I never do it. I always fly into LAX. Well, now I'm flying to Burbank. I fly into Jay Leno's private Yeah, I'm always about finding secrets special airports. It's not a secret I just feel like this is my first time going to Burbank. Whenever I fly in and out of New York I go to the Stu Leonard's Airport Dude, you know where we got to go some time We got to go to that hotel at the at the jet blue terminal of JFK the TWA hotel. Yeah Oh, where is that? It's the old TWA terminal. You can get in there. They converted it into a hotel

My friends stayed there for his birthday. Yeah, and they have a pool That's right next to the runway so you can go swimming and planes like taking off over that building is cool as shit It's the coolest building in New York. The old it. Well, I don't know about that. It's my favorite. Okay You had to ruin it. It was close to me being excited about doing something Oh, sorry, okay, it's one of the bed. What do you say? Then you said it's the coolest building and I think it's I think it's a bunch of dumb architecture. Adam's right So there's no other Chrysler building and that we mean there is no other contenders Stop being so casting dude. He's got trolled dude. Well, I couldn't tell you

Tone was devolved by that. I've just seen the sense. They've become the Matthews been fucking trolled. All right, I gotta go to the airport. We can do the podcast without you You want to? No, of course not have a good show, buddy Are you guys gonna keep doing this? Okay, let's start recording after I'm there. Please don't it's been all day I'll miss my God finally. I just want to be in now. We could do jokes for real I just want to be part of the crew now. We can finally do real jokes about the American Airlines building at JFK It's the TWA building. No, there's an American. There's an old American Airlines building

Oh, I know that by the hackstand. Yeah, I know that and that building's also cool Yeah, I've never really taken a look at the Airport I'm in and out dude. I don't give a fuck about building. So it's some huge fucking like What's that Russian plane manufacturer like turpolev or some shit? I don't know like some like the biggest plane I've ever seen in my life It's really cool. That's tight over by over by that American Airlines building So what I'm saying is we should all get a hotel at the airport just for a night Just the three of us boys staying in one hotel room together. Maybe have a party get you don't get to do this Three of this boys saying why why well cuz we're going to the airport. Yeah, so we can stay at that hotel that has the pool next to

The runway. Are we flying somewhere the next day? Maybe if we have a flight the next day we can stay there for the night Maybe where we have a flight to we still need the money from that Canada trip Did you do this your expenses bitch? I just I'm not sending them in I paid for like three years It's like no tell them that so we can get on fucking money. We'll just yeah, okay Well, bitch. All right. Okay. Bye everyone You