The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 177 – squash me up

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

Gimme that squash boi

the depressed okay I recording check the levels but check check check check wait check check maybe mine is not even plugged in I'm just low okay um yeah fuck it you guys get to hear all this though this counts that's behind the curtain behind the curtain and like that and above the penis mm-hmm you ever heard of that shit Adam what's above the penis your stomach oh wait Nick's not even plugged in damn stop saying funny shit dude you're not it's not picking you up no no you're not hmm well this is all going in guys this is this counts for an hour no still not and still nothing oh it just

wasn't plugged in there we go the wire literally was just loose I think yeah Nick just said something about keeping above the penis keeping it been below the keep it below the ball let's go below the penis I don't want a good clean fight no hits above or below the penis you know the rules shots above and below above and below the penis and not allowed only directly on top of the penis clean sexual fight sexually slapping each other's cocks in a ring hundreds of thousands of Chinese men in the audience watching two giant Russians hit each other's cocks not even

screaming just politely applauded just silent gasping and applauding fuck oh god that sounds great well everyone this is a bonus app but we are wait no this is the regular app but we are recording it on Columbus Day so and on the eve of another moment is well no you're not getting the tooth you're getting no fittings I'm going to yes I'm getting I'm going I'm taking a train after this podcast I'm taking the Amtrak mm-hmm to Baltimore Penn Station where my little brother will pick me up we will maybe go to Royal Farms afterwards who know by your by your brother's house but yes my house you'll

do that drive through through East Baltimore through East Baltimore East Baltimore some of the worst that's a horror Penn Station is to Greek town is a yeah I took an Uber but when I went to your brother's house last time that is a trail of tears that's where Chinese restaurant is Nick remember them Green Mountain Avenue you passed that sorry I'm trying to get all of this shit set up for no worries man but yeah and I will be going and then I will be going to Rosedale Maryland which we haven't really not a not heralded suburb definitely gotta hit that we've spoken of Dundalk quite a bit you know

we've done a lot of DC suburbs Rosedale however you know maybe a bit of a class here Dundalk there's motel lots of motels where I suspect mm-hmm prostitutes are hired and and fucked mm-hmm probably anonymous gay sex happens there I would you have to guess there's one called the L rich motel that I pass mm-hmm that looks like a horrors den particularly that's where I played that's where I played soccer youth soccer was in the Rosedale League in case anyone's wondering I yes and I was an all-star and I was offered to be on the travel team but I had too many Greek school obligations mm-hmm otherwise I would

have anyway I will be going there and I will be getting x-rayed and I'll be getting fitted for an implant and then two weeks after that on Halloween week I will be having I will have an implant and your costume will be a man with a full set of yeah the one the one week of the year that it's acceptable to not have a tooth I will actually have one yeah you've been looking like a jack-o-lantern for two years now and I couldn't hold off maybe yeah maybe I'll put a little light in my mouth a little what little light in my mouth these last couple weeks oh yeah I'm gonna miss it dude I'm gonna miss not having a tooth it's fun

what if it was your power like Samson I'm the I'm like reverse Samson well with hair but yeah whatever what if you come back with the tooth but also yeah I don't know something weird happens I don't know I go away for a week yeah I need a week to for the tooth to heal and I just come back with beautiful hair dude a friend of ours and I won't put him on blast because he's not going to do it and he doesn't need to but he was considering getting going to the best guy in LA for plugs well Beverly Hills maybe I should go to her plug to the stars no who else is bald no one's but the guy isn't even bald he's just like

fucking worried about his hairline guys you don't want to put on blast it's Evan Williams it's Evan Williams no it's not yeah Evan Williams his hairline is fine he looks great I think a different Balder friend of his was discussing it and I will not put him on blast oh okay but anyway maybe I should go I think it would cost like $50,000 should I spend that much money $50,000 yeah if you're this old to not be bald I mean yes of course you should do it you should 1 million percent do that dude wouldn't be awesome if I had hair dude but you can't apparently you can't fucking sweat you

can't do any exercise which is gonna be an issue for me yeah cuz I've been doing yoga well you can't do exercise no you can't your hair your head you can't do any you can't do any trauma to your head whatsoever that's why the bronze plugs always fall out I guess so just gets new plugs every off season that's what you have to do no there's like a month where you can't do shit oh for a month yeah that's not bad what do you mean you can't you can't like move your eyebrows yeah dude you can't you can't really move your head I can't have you know athletic sex handlebars you're gonna have to like go back into a broken foot

mode I can't go back there dude I can never go back dude I'll kill myself before I go back with fat people having sex even look like I can't even imagine it powerful no beautiful fat two bodies yeah how do you slow down because of the mass that you're bringing it yes yeah right before right before impact you got to slow it down sure you know blaster through the wall you know I mean absolutely absolutely and it is a problem and that's why I think that's a lot of wear damn this is what he looks like first of all no yeah 100% that lady's those are two guys damn bro no I look beautiful when I fuck thank you

very much I look great but you can't go in full pump without pulling back to hold his stomach up like I don't have to hold my stomach back to fuck my I do not you have to lift it up now you know sometimes depending on the position is there are some looks like Stov's penis to let me see damn awesome and tasty looking for that dick sucks that's you no come on man yeah that's not what my dick looks like it is and I'm not that fat yeah here's you an eldest yeah Nick's not even on the internet there's the pictures of a fat man having gay sex just in his albums yeah called stop and elders having sex that's how you that's

how you get around it stop and all this I'm making fun of my friend stop and all these are not gay dot lol at a certain point like your game of gay chicken that you've been playing with eldest your entire life is gonna result in I know I know I'm really gonna result in full full penetrative homosexual sex I I don't think I will I don't think it'll be full penetrative but I can easily see eldest sucking my cock and me being like no like I could he's put his face really close to my lose literally dude yeah I almost touched his dick once and it was it was too close for it was too close too close for

comfort too close for comfort dude anyway but we've chilled back we haven't really played that much gay chicken because his girlfriend lives with us now how to respect how to respect how to respect once he's single again dude or if they live in God forbid or if they live in a different apartment if they move out and he comes to visit and it's just the boys yeah she can't be under the same roof though yeah that's cheating it would be cheating but if she's not it's all boys having fun are you still looking at fat people having sex yeah I was trying to find a good one

yeah you know it's a lot of it's a lot of just right you know I think the normal way most people have sex but with some stretching so that I don't pull a ham string I imagine it's safer if you're on the bottom well sure but you know that's a bracing yourself as an upper-body exercise yeah she has to balance sort of like on one of those exercise balls the people yes sit at their desks at in one of those cool offices yeah absolutely but I will say I have no issues getting on top and you can really see here's the problem I'm fat but I also have to make make use of a very small penis not very small not

very small nice but not show stopping I'll put it that way it's not a show stopper so being on top is how you with certain angles is how you really make use of a limited let's say yeah penis I heard a description for my dick once that really hurt my feelings called boyfriend penis yeah you've talked about that this is where you say like something that really hurts my feelings is that it doesn't hurt women no is that you compliment yourself it's not something I was really upset the other day because someone said I was really handsome is that my dick can't blow anyone's back somebody told me that I was

really handsome well that's only yeah that's only because you don't have the effort dude oh because I'm lazy you're lazy I'm I have tenacity in the no you know in the bay in the bay room I don't know you don't know looks like there's a bunch of bugs in the ceiling fan again oh man that's I don't even know how you clean that out you gotta take you're like clean the top of your fan once a year and you're like oh damn I'm a mess yeah this sucks I'm breathing in this bullshit yeah what is that is that dead skin dead skin I did the under the bed dust today in your case it's a liquefied come of other or not liquefied but air

yeah air to come of men sure that's something like that atomized atomized yeah yeah I hate having to fucking dust the corners of rooms I think I got that tobacco too hot and it didn't taste good that time it smelled good it smells good but I burned it or something and it burned my mouth when I was inhaling it or puffing on it Nick was doing some he was doing some case work with this pipe I was doing pipe smoke we were solving the case of I guess I shouldn't redacted but redacted but but it's something you guys would love you would love to hear we've got new information we will not yeah we'll never tell you

guys never tell you but believe me you'd love it no matter how many DMs we got yep yeah say motherfucker what was that suck our hard cock Christopher Columbus day which they go Martin Luther King Brian has prepared a book report on Christopher Columbus he's gonna read for us so Brian thank you everyone as you know my family is Italian doing an Italian accent everyone my fan it's a new Jersey accent my name is Brian and I'm Italian I'm from where Sicily a lot of people didn't used to consider people like me human just because we're Italian they would put us in special hospitals where you had to stay in the

dark flowing feces at other Italian people and it wasn't until Gerardo did a special on the hospital in Staten Island where they kept Italians that they stopped tweeting us like thank you Brian very good good and that's the story of Columbus day okay thank you Brian that was very good informative yeah isn't it great that we had we're helping him by giving him he's our intern Brian Brian yeah he does great work Brian he's actually Brian the figlia the googly a bonzio Brian Brian the the figlia googly a bonzio Brian Brian the the trisomy the trisomy chromosome that's his last name huh yeah he's Italian from his island from his village from his

different middle from the other side yeah I saw a guy I was I was walking in the city and I saw just some fucking guy in a tank top just old as shit tan as shit like a leathery curly balding ass hair and he was just dressed in like fucking you know dago colors and he was holding up a red green and white sign that said elect Cuomo what is he even running for anything no right there's always more Cuomos yeah they reproduce like Asian Smith so where there's the guy on TV and there's the guy that's governor right yeah the governor's they're like they're like the Andretti's they're like the bold ones yeah they're like the Mario the

Andretti family there's Mario Andretti Luigi Andretti Wario Andretti Yoshi Andretti I didn't know that yeah Bowser yeah Bowser Andretti Princess Peach Andretti no that's from Mario what that's from Super Mario yeah dude oh sorry a man's name would be Princess Peach yeah no it's the girl dude you're so fucking dumb as shit dude you're so stupid whatever bro you're fucking stupid the governor is single apparently he's divorced mm-hmm the governor of what New York Cuomo dude New York as a governor he was doing getting pussy now dude probably he was doing a Columbus Day Italian thing where he was talking in

Italian today oh really yeah that's awesome yeah can you speak Italian I don't know I don't know Italian but it sounded like it's so funny that people proud to be Italian mm-hmm yeah such a shameful thing if there's one thing I'm proud of being it's Italian but it sounds like guys that have been here their family's been here like six generations you're not Italian bro you're just a fucking mayo ass cracker ass white boy mm-hmm unlike me a Mediterranean a true Mediterranean American mm-hmm a minority in this country trans people are Mediterranean too is that so I don't know I think I think that's what

Mediterranean means no it doesn't it means we're halfway below the earth mm-hmm half what's the other half they got one foot in the grave one foot in the doctor's office living living life from a quarter mile at a time I mean I guess the rates of murder for trans women in particular is pretty high I guess that's what you're talking about is that what you mean by one foot in the grave yeah that's that's the point he was making let's just move on I've got clowns to the left of me jokers to the right mm-hmm suckin opinion they should they really missed missed out their opportunity to play that during the dude you should be

there you should direct you should do a fan edit of Joker where he's dancing on the steps Adam Friedland to stuck in the middle of you mean to me they say I'm handsome and then I have my boyfriend penis my penis is the kind you'd want to be in a committed relationship that's that's what it doesn't I have to broadcast this really hurtful insult a quarter million people every six months on my pocket I have to announce to everyone that I don't remember what I say on this a really mean thing we all you're bad Murray or the fuck the Robert the other characters I don't care that your dick is huge Robert De Niro now I'm

gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you to your dick is big not fuck this old knock knock who's there and then it's like a joke that I said like three weeks ago and Robert De Niro's like you can't do that Joker that's someone else's joke you can't just go on TV stealing people's jokes Joker why not why can't I do other people's jokes continue keep going then you kill Robert De Niro because his dick is bigger than yours I wouldn't be brave enough to do that on TV well what if somebody else did it three weeks before then I would yeah yeah that's what your Joker is some other guy trying to do the same

shit three weeks later yeah trying to make my bomb video go viral yeah you kill like someone on public access the same makeup I have what's it called mental illness sorry I have a condition where I laugh at my own jokes only where I only laugh at I don't laugh at my own jokes sorry ma'am stop bothering my son I wasn't I was just trying to take a picture of him to post on the internet because I was I wanted to make fun of your son for being black but indirectly I've never done that before I'm sorry I was just trying to post a picture of your black son on Instagram and point out that he's wearing Steve Harvey's

clothes but he's a black baby I would love to see a baby like I know I would too but I would never take a picture of him posted on Instagram that's true that's what I call my Joker line whoa yeah so even the Jokers have lines I've never identified with the Joker but I do identify with the clock King the clock King who is that he's just loves clocks mm-hmm is that a does a crime Batman villain that just loves clocks oh shit damn you know it's a good one is the guy that's the puppet guy I like that guy mr. pixelix that guy was really scary that guy was fucked up makes pixelics that motherfucker I guess yeah this dude

and he's got his yeah glasses oh yeah that was that's kind of a stretch dude what do you mean the guy that likes clocks yeah look at his tie it's got clocks on it kind of sucks actually I think it's cool that's kind of a gay villain if I'm being honest no because people are like do you know what time it is and he lies about it and they're late yeah well that's fucked up and that will fuck up your job interview for example yeah or a date or you know a reservation to Momofuku how about when they did him as a black guy he's cool now huh he is actually cooler on legitimately he does look much like

yeah he's wearing tea as chain that says tea for time I guess because he goes by tea it's just mr. T mr. time time to come out of the food I do not say they watch correct damn yeah look at these look at his cool fucking face oh he's got a Michael Michael Mike Tyson Mike Tyson face tattoo but it's a clock yeah doing black clocking black clocking is actually awesome villain dude yeah see I picked a good one you did I knew there was something there was something there that even when I thought the character was white there was something in the essence of the character that the flavor both me and the black community

appreciate something to finally bridge the gap between you and the black community is black time king yeah and it's it's me it's me and a black woman shaking hands over the gap between Cornell West Heath we're both standing on either side on this okay and we're shaking hands that's good yeah like the meme look at this guy no it's terrible that one sucks dick the British clock the British clocking can suck my cock I should get into watches because I'll tell you what I have gotten into is wallets as many of you know my wallet was eaten by a Hasidic family when I was walking through Williamsburg

and they scurried up and got a little too little too enthusiastic of a laugh I think I thought I had to replace my wallet it's absurd it's absurd that's why it's funny you do absurdist humor no they do eat wallets yeah it's true soft leather well I always had a nice big fat leather wallet that was my shit you know yes I kept that I kept that system for a long time when I wanted to replace it I thought oh time to get another big fat leather wallet that wallet like but a pussy instead I got one of these new neoliberal wallets Pete Buttigieg type shit yeah I don't know I think they're called low profile

wallets or something but this company Ridge which I know I asked for a wallet and I said anybody but Lewis recommend the wallet and I guess Lewis also uses it but I'm gonna pretend like yeah for the purposes of this and for your life Lewis just Lewis uses a purse Lewis yeah has a pink purse Lewis has a girl use a woman's purse that he takes into the bathroom pull his tampons out of not me though I used the Ridge wallet now which took a minute to get used to because it's you know there's not it's just two pieces of I guess mine's carbon fiber but oh shit some of them are steel or aluminum and they obliterate orthodox

juice teeth yeah dude I saw a child a child with a yamaha trying to eat this one in a crack well there are FID blocking which the chemicals that they pick up on are blocked by the wallet yeah what does that mean I saw that and I like it so you can't get hacked or something yeah I guess if like because now cards have like the chip NFC shit on them or whatever if you like walk by somebody can use Apple Pay on your oh shit but not with the Ridge wallet motherfucker yeah now with the Ridge wallet it's very sleek there's two metal plates bound together by a durable elastic band and it looks nothing like a

traditional wall no it kind of looks like a weapon I like to I like to spin mine around when I'm on public transit so people have to worry they're like is this guy gonna set a knife he was laughing like that this guy's twisted titanium carbon fiber and aluminum options ensure there's an option for everyone that's right unless aluminum yeah Adam because it sucks titanium me it's a little rooms all right carbon fiber me because I'm into speed that's right so dynamic yeah Adam just has a shit wrapped up in aluminum foil well you guys didn't take they gave us one oh I have one and I use it yeah well I mean

I legitimately started using it and I probably I'm gonna you put in your back pocket it's comfortable you can put it in any pocket but I'm a back pocket kind of right what do you think this is the 50s fuck back pocket wallage actually you know what fuck back oh here we go this look I'm not this is in the email for them the Ridge wallet is a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every day and pussies to put they shit in the back need not yeah Adam likes to put his stuff in the back to advertiser the goods it's closer to his ass yeah he showed he leans over on the train he's

like it's hot it's hot out there today huh boys people like man it's fucking October put your ass get your ass put your ass away man you're holding your wallet with your ass you kind of you got that wall looks awesome I love the carbon fiber between your ass man that's a nice wallet but I'm pretty sure that's a front a minimalist front wall front pocket wallet get it and I want between your ass cheek the hole with your ass cheeks to show everyone how tight your ass cheeks is I know it's streamlined and sleek and it is the perfect thing to show how tight your ass is yeah because how the house leak it

is but get it out of there yeah um but yeah no it definitely pairs down your shit so you're not carrying a bunch of extra stuff you don't want cuz I had a Models card in my wallet for years gotta go to most and every time I would go to empty out my wallet I'd be like well what if I have 3,000 Models what if I go to Models well yeah there's no way they can look up my phone number yeah I mean I'd like I don't know I'm going to Starbucks right now but what if I what if I end up at Models you never know you never know when you're gonna be there but now thanks to the Ridge Wall it's it's confined me to my apartment because

all of my loyalty programs I've thrown them all away garbage I've thrown Nick only has this the bare necessities the bare necessities my debit card the emergency card four con extra small that blames my death on Adam let me reiterate for extra small con in case my good friend stop no not in case of that friend stop over it's just buddy you gotta help me I accidentally ate all of my condoms I put a bunch of Hershey's kisses in my condoms and ate them so I could smuggle candy under the plane I have a flight later I had to smuggle candy I have reached the candy limit it has 30,000 five-star reviews and it's

a better way to carry your cash in cards is a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't comes in titanium carbon fiber aluminum and over a dozen different style and colors so this one's a little bit different you can either go to ridge.com slash come town or put in come town as a promo code to get 10% off with free worldwide shippings and returns worldwide are you in fucking Jakarta if you're in Djibouti eating condoms and desperately like I need a new wallet because I am so hungry and I heard they wallet may come with condoms in it if you happen for some reason to be that guy if you're that

guy go to ridge.com slash come town or use promo code come town on their website to get 10% off of your order too easy a way it's too it's too easy not to do folks you'd be a fucking piece of dumb bullshit your current wallet sucks my hard cock it sucks ass it's what you would call a boyfriend wallet that's right anyways let's start the show low T Tuesdays with Adam take it away Adam what kind of gay shit do you need to fucking tell everybody about take it away I'm trying to get a higher thread count sheet that's gay yeah okay why do you need what do you even need sheets

you're saying we don't have sheets no I got these like sheets that are satin and I always sweat through they have like a satin something that shit and I want just a basic cotton so I don't sweat every night they'll be waking up with my sweat damn that is some low tea and that's my low tea welcome to come town everybody oh oh oh it's the time join them on intro how you doing Sibyl we got gay Adam here this morning hey Tom yeah apparently this man is gay this is one of the gayest boys I have ever seen would you go on the Tom join a morning show Adam well yeah I mean any I don't know there's gotta be what like a hundred and

seventy two years old is he still doing I think he's that old am I thinking the different guy I never heard him I guess he's 49 49 so he's 69 years old nice that's not that old you know yeah people can can be it you know viable into their early 70s oh yeah this is great so if you go to the Wikipedia page for the Tom Joyner morning show it says it can be heard on mobile devices and on the Xbox 360 console via i heart radio I love certain personalities Tom Joyner Jay Anthony Brown Sibyl Wilkes Tyrell Zimmerman I remember there's always somebody laughing off Mike yeah it was

like the whole show the producer somebody way off Mike just standing in the doorway the Ricky Smiley morning should basically stole that formula but they added a gay guy do they have this is Tom Joyner morning show of a gay guy Ricky Smiley as a gay guy that does gossip mm-hmm I've never heard it Tom Joyner morning show ends this year what Joyner announced in 2017 that the show would end when it reaches his 25th anniversary in syndication a milestone that will be reached in 2019 damn my man good for Tom was it just a morning show he has a morning show it's called the Tom Joyner morning show I mean like did he play

music or is it just like chat you know what a morning show is morning show did he play music yes of course some of them they don't they just chat no that's a morning drive that's morning drive time yeah yeah no they put even those play music like intro music after commercials no bro they'll play a song every once in a while right the junkies the best was when they gave Joe Robinson his own show on 98 rock and he would talk and the show be hilarious and then he was like all right I guess I got to play like this gay music that people listen it's radio station like we like it's strong take you on he's like oh god

damn yeah it is Joe still on the air over there I know it because he took a break no yeah I'm not gonna put his business out there okay yeah it was pretty funny I don't know I don't know this story yeah that's out to our boys he was raped by Tom Myers he had to take a mental health break from the radio Jerry Sandusky not that one the Baltimore sports personality raped him mmm Keith Mills rape I love Keith Mills Tom Joyner graduated with a degree in sociology mmm so we understand society yeah that's right

shouts out to our boy Justin Schlegel holding down the morning show 98 right wait Tom Joyner was in the Commodores what yeah well at first his goal was to be a musician he joined the band the Commodores that included his college friend Lionel Richie what the fuck but the band did not make any money in his family encouraged him to seek another way to be joking I had no idea he was in the Commodores before they took off right he's like I guess this isn't gonna work out that's so funny so he quit and then he had to wait 20 years to I mean I guess it worked out from the end yeah what was this could he sing I well you

can do morning hello yeah am I gay Tom is it my dick you're looking for I can suck you in that I can also have you ever seen him I can fuck you in the mind he's got a wild look yeah he looks great I think he looks great actually yeah fat bald head glasses I think he's a hot guy dude hello yeah I always I always thought he was way older than he is I remember listening to the show when I was like a kid and I thought this is an old man yeah I get but that's what I thought I thought everyone was older shit yeah you think I was like 60 years old when you're a child yeah and then you find out they're like 30 yeah and then

you're a 30 and you're like oh dude when you I guess I fucked up when you look back at like the people you admired as a child and and all of them are 10 years younger than you are now or whatever yeah you're like I'm gonna die yeah John Belushi died when he was 21 years old yeah how insane he looked older no he wasn't 21 I know pretending you know who John Belushi is I know who is name is name one of his name one yeah one museum he created I'm a soul man wrong name one of his books how to suck dick and influence pussy he didn't write that we do a joke we do a joke about Darth Vader doing the pinching thing yeah

is making people's dick yeah oh I made about that on stage I did it about him Jack yeah which is the joke every third grader in this was good job he did not stage but no about him doing the pinching thing but yeah it's making his dick small that's awesome that's good man that's that's what you call professional yeah they came through with the fourth grade that's huge yeah yeah that's good stuff right there that's the kind of stuff they'll get you on Tom Joyner morning radio show my dick is my dick is fucking phone kind of like opinions wait a second who played that me well I hold on civil I don't know if

I'm I don't what the hell is this bro hey how can we make that happen how can we sneak switch the tapes fuck up an interstitial my dick is fucking my oh oh oh it's the time and it's a beautiful day it went what the wait a second wait play the song again sounds like the normal song Tom Tom this is normal to us the song we've been playing for 25 years oh damn is a Tom Joyner cruise hell yeah well you won't be a hilarious tragedy the Tom Joyner cruise crashing into the impractical just obese white ladies and obese black people meeting for the first time yeah but then they're all just in the ocean

together yeah we could heal America's racial we gotta come together well you better stay on my life wrap Steve as a jokes joke in the Kings of Comedy special which doesn't really make any sense which is that black people would try to survive the Titanic that's true the joke is fucking hilarious it starts off and he's like you never hear about 3,000 black people all dying at the same time yeah that he's like outside of like I guess hotel Rwanda yeah yeah not really he's right yes I mean in a month a million people died in Rwanda damn their genocide was so fast and it was so like but it kind of makes you

want to rewind the that situation have all those people back yeah I would love that if they're a hotel that's like we showed Hitler white hitler barely do six million it's five years it took us only a month power there is now we're back on the time and we've got a brother here he's got some interesting ideas damn I was about to say something but I forgot story my life yeah that's and then he's like and it seems like yeah in the bank had played when the ship was going down no black man yeah yeah yeah yeah sir this is like Michael Scott

repeating I just rewatched it so good yeah maybe I'll watch it on the Amtrak you should man it's it's on Amazon Prime the slam track I'm about to get pussy on there yeah excuse me is this a slam track car yeah dude I just the pussy getting car that time I was on Amtrak and the train had been stopped for four hours and that bitch asked him to turn the AC down and she goes uh well if we do then the car's gonna get hot and then realizing that that's what they were exactly what she wants she goes also the controls on the bottom yeah the best that is the best customer service line of all time say anything else what

the fuck you even mean it's on the bottom of some guy in fucking overalls like in a bungee cord that's right down there repelled turn the dial he got a car all under the strain what is it why how do you even install whose idea is that also the kitchen by the wheels okay they're on the bottom respect to that woman that's insane damn damn I want to go to Germany and get some of that fucking like that's from the fans in Cleveland they sent that in to us yeah send this send this have a brain tumor where I think I'm Tom I'm

just Tom join a morning show and I'm Tom joiner we should do an entire up as you be wait your dad would play it on the car to school or how my mom would listen to it in the morning like while getting ready for work my dad would listen like I miss yeah that makes sense he's a racist well after the nappy headed hose comment he had to switch he was out to what no I don't know he wasn't I don't think my dad was driving me to school at that time when that drops like 2010 2009 when did I miss that was not that was early 2007 yeah I think it was even early I was in college at that point driving you to class every day well my

dad would sit outside the class while I was in the lecture hall he wouldn't want to embarrass me yeah but he'd sit there with his prayers asked me how it went yep there was a girl at my college who went to class with her mom and they were matching outfits what it was really fucked up and sad was it you think they ate each other's pussy that would have been cool no they both look pussy snack snack like which which vibes do you think they suck cock together I think that they had a really dysfunctional unhealthy relationship yeah yeah which maybe led them to suck cock together I don't know if they were sucking cock I

think they were sleeping in the same bed for sure damn so not hot at all no neither of them were attracted to the daughter no they're both kind of wore all black and had blood long like kind of matted black hair wait what the fuck kind of classes I mean she was in college I guess so her regular college classes but yeah don't wouldn't she be studying witchcraft I don't think that was offered at the school that's what I'm saying what was she sitting in like fucking Western Civ and shit like that yeah whatever class I don't know what her major was never I'd see them walking around campus together I knew

people that like had class with her and the mom would sit in the lecture hall you never had it with her no no yeah it really bummed me out would you fuck a daughter in her mom same time well if it was at the same time yes did you and your dad ever have sex with each other why would you say that you know you know about my pedigree is a homicide detective I can't help but be inquisitive in ways that you don't even know you don't know which direction I'm going you don't know you just got to answer questions maybe he's asked maybe he doesn't even care about I don't care about the next maybe setting up for

what'd you have for lunch today can you remember that at least yeah what was it cock I mean it's like a pasta where left of where'd you get home made it where last night where was this in my apartment what's your address I'm not gonna say that I can't admit your address to me but you could admit that you had sex with your father interesting interesting very interesting you realize it is a crime you're not a police man I'm a detective you're not with a New Hampshire police department why New Hampshire Libertarian that's where it's illegal to have sex with your father and so they brought me up the

laws it's my jurisdiction it's my jurisdiction I bet it is against the law it probably is yeah it's an incest illegal I'll tell you what the only way you can get around is wearing the right underwear that's right yeah in New Hampshire they have a law that says if you're wearing Mack Weldon underwear you can't go to jail for getting your ass filled by your father for where any crime actually oh really that's what Libertarianism is free minds free markets free underwear if you don't like the first pair you can keep it that's right Mack Weldon.com the Libertarian underwear company is sponsored by the

state of New Hampshire every pair of underwear you buy goes directly to purchasing an island to have sex with children an island leather jacket with every slur emblazoned on it that Ron Paul can wear into the DMV while he flips off everyone that works there and insists on drag when he drives his car drunk into the DMV screaming about how he has a right to travel unmolested I am free to travel unmolested I hate I hate when the fucking tendrils of big government I hate when I'm molested by wrap their hands around my car it means to be bothered I love being molested by my driver's license I hate I hate it that's

what I meant I meant to say I hate it I hate being molested by age of consent laws as a Libertarian yeah that's the most I wanted one of my penis wants to travel unmolested into a six-year-old molested by the state your honor so who really among us that is so true and the judge like order order I'm wearing a Mack Weldon underwear just like order order did anyone order this pizza and he's holding a pizza up and they're like judge come on come on man stop doing bits stop doing fucking bits as a child was raped when okay order no I'm just saying I'm just I'm just saying I'm just joking around here trying to see if

anybody wants to do you know just just messing around you guys listen to anything we said judge we've been cross-examining no sorry I'm one of those Asian judges what do you mean you know like the guy from the yeah I'm one of those types of judges and then what does that mean exactly he did that whole trial we do bits so he did bits all time that's how OJ got off yeah you remember the whoopee cushion whoopee cushion the rubber chicken that was hilarious and Johnny Cocker would laugh at every joke that's why and Marsha Clark would just be like she's an ice about it yeah yeah she's like I don't

get jokes because I'm a woman that's so true yeah Mack Weldon dot-com Mack Weldon dot-com has a simple mission to preserve a future to make sure you all your basics and beyond are smartly designed and shopping for them is easy and convenient mm-hmm we founded Mack Weldon us the three of us because we wanted them more out of our basics I for sure my underwear my knives my lighters my pocket pussy my pocket pussy my compass my 18th century flask and compass that I I wear around Brooklyn my high waters letting everyone know I could be right now I could drop everything and be in

bighorn Montana making love to an elk I'm not some hipster dumbass that's right I'm a guy that loves combs and fancy that's right come so you make yourself I'm making my other made out of like a whale yeah I have a pine cone that I comb my hair with as I walk around Brooklyn in my Mack Weldon because I'm tired of the basics and I always question how something so essential could be such a pain in the ass I do I question that all the time yeah when I go into the underwear store I'm like one underwear please and they're like excuse me and I'm like what part of I can't I'm blind I don't know can you put them on me put

them on me can you wipe me my asses can you wipe me while I wear the underwear and talking between my balls can you suck my penis till it's hard can you suck on it please and so yeah we're in the old Navy underwear department and the frustration like that was real and our Eureka moment happened in the department of the old Navy store our four brands that dominated our top drawer Givenchy Dolce Gabbana Chanel Sergio to Cheney yeah I'm the supreme La Perla Pele Pele yeah Averix South Pole surrounded my fucking underwear my Nietzsche Nietzsche of course underwear surrounded by a mind-numbing

assortment of underwear and socks realized dash consistent fit and quality became a game of roulette oh my god Russian roulette oh like we kill a guy every time our underwear didn't fit well yeah like this yeah the queer Chinese guy with them did he mouse walking or whatever didn't know didn't know yours guys are Robert De Niro right it's Robert De Niro Christopher Walken that guy died of bone cancer Meryl Streep's husband what's his name now that Italian guy that was in everything back in John Meryl Streep's name De Fredo yeah Fredo yeah John something John Puccigliani John 316 so we decided to take

on 22 Adam 22 that rapist father what if I change my name to Adam 23 Adam 23 they would call me Adam 600 if they knew the truth the only numbers based Adam who is not raped mm-hmm you could I could I'm combining that guy but also Conair oh nice yeah I still have to see Conair he's a guy named Johnny 23 who's raped gotcha he goes they call me Johnny 600 if they knew the truth pretty yeah he's pretty clearly saying he's raped 600 people yeah Adam raped 600 people so they started from scratch and engineered their own fabric they made sure the design process was meticulous so you can count on the fit being the

same each time we built a world-class customer service experience the difference is in details we obsessed over every stitch and seam oh my god until we reached our death death until we reached our definition of perfect tell you what Mack Walden is better than whatever you're wearing right now it really isn't premium men's essentials Adam gets his panties there that's right I got him don't worry I got him for extra pussy lips yeah I think you guys just want to understand what it's like to be a woman he goes it clicks on the girls section all right and he clicks under extra pussy legs yeah he goes to my pussy for extra

small pussy lips bitch yeah you have extra little pussy lips yeah but a lot of you your dick is so small you need to get women's underwear is exactly like a lot of his pussy lip yeah it's small a small amount of small amount I don't think that's the most comfortable underwear socks shirts undershirts hoodies and sweatpants are more than you ever wear they have a natural line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally anti-microbial which means they eliminate odor they want you to be comfortable so if you

don't like your first bear you can keep it and they'll still refund you no questions asked the Adam requested that specifically yeah if you got them to do I just wanted to help out the promotion yeah it's a good idea not only does Mack Walden underwear socks and shirts look good they perform well too they get hard always your cock will be hard when you wear these silky smooth underwear put on I like to put mine on and I get hard and I come in them I take them off and I put on other underwear before leaving the house yeah because they could I put them on and I come in my pants immediately every time that's how

good the underwear yeah it's why don't we buy other under I don't even have sex with girls I put on underwear and my leather outfit yeah and I just have I come in them make videos for YouTube yeah so for 20% off your first order visit Mack Walden calm and enter promo code come town 20 a checkout that's right and and you get that 20 20% off first order let's start the show yeah and they send you send you trinkets on your birthday oh yeah I gotta I gotta I got a keychain that says no fear I'm pretty sure that was from now yeah I love no fear as a child yeah I had no fear board shorts yeah I had a fanny pack cuz I

remember getting those clothes or you'd see no fear clothes I'd be like damn that kid's not afraid of anything yeah I was like I wish I could always like white trash kid with gel in his hair like I wish I could not be afraid I wish I was fearless mm-hmm I wish I was getting abused in that way the gay way that I am yeah I didn't know I deal with Calvin and Hobbes was oh no I only knew that no fear and then pissing in the picture yeah the bumper sticker thing yeah I mean I didn't really read newspaper cartoons I used to read them every morning I would I would sometimes get I'm reading the newspaper like Daddy

yeah it's me Adam the newsboy who reads about the world like that it's a sports I graduated I can't wait I'm gonna I'm gonna tell everybody I'm gonna tell everybody what's going on in the world I used to from the library check out whole books of the comic book strips yeah I would run through Heathcliff for example Beatcliff me cliff and beatcliff I had the one of the far side books you remember those the far side comics and I remember thinking that was the funniest shit I'll be like it's the science has school for idiots and the kids pushing on a pole door fucking retard got his ass fucking the joke in the comic guy in the

far side you've done it again yeah imagine I dedicated your life like Dilbert I can't I guess no pussy if somebody made those jokes like to me as a grown man they were an adult I'd be like kill yourself that's a thing imagine dedicated I mean stand up is fucking stupid but but I'm dedicated your life to the most lukewarm ass joke of all time and then doing like a little kind of shitty drawing yeah and that's your entire life that's your entire life and then you make millions and it's like colors right the first I was black and white now some of it was color was I think the books you they may they would

color it in yeah I mean I must admit I have I have purchased a Dilbert book as a youth yeah I never liked Dilbert but the far side I thought was hilarious you thought it was funny I thought it was very funny I used to like the ones that were particularly like you know like somebody died or something I like now you're fucked up guy I was I was a twisted yeah fucked up kid you like dead baby jokes bro you're fucked up bro yeah I remember do I remember having a favorite dead baby joke when I was in like fourth course where this woman goes in a doctor's office and her like kids stop breathing or whatever and she's

crying she's like doesn't know what to do she's hysterical and this guy's the best doctor in the best baby doctor in the country of course and so he's like oh man please right away we'll take him into the the operating room just wait out here right so women's crying and waiting and crying and waiting and then about an hour later the operating room doors swing open and the guy he's got an extension cord tied around the baby's neck and he's swinging around the room like knocking a bunch of shit off the walls you know and just like smashing the baby into like lights and stuff and she's like oh my god what are you doing

just don't worry he's already dead yeah yeah when I was like that was your favorite when I was a that was just a killer I thought that yes one of my favorites when I was that age was a it was like a joke about a guy like a gorilla keeper and it was something like the gorilla needed to mate or its pussy would be ruined or something and it was like so they offered the groundskeeper they're like okay for $2,000 will you fuck the gorilla and he'd be like he took a week to think about and he came back and was like all right I'll do it but it's gonna take me some

time to come up with $2,000 and I was just like ah he wants to pay to fuck the gorilla I love that joke that's one of my go-tos I mean you know where it's going but yeah yeah as a kid when you don't know about misdirection another one I love as a kid was why are there no Muslims on Star Trek yeah I don't remember that one yeah that one did not I guess the more the races was more anti-semitic over in Greek town oh yeah are you a fan is there a national is there a national rivalry trigger defended I think everyone is just kind of anti-semitic man I think that's probably true I don't remember one in

particular yeah the pizza screaming in the oven yeah of course in the ashtray yeah yeah yeah yeah how do you fit six million Jews in the car right which honestly that's still too much too much ash too much ash that's my biggest problem with that yeah ideal ideological issues yeah what jokes were they telling it the Chinese kid table lunch they didn't have jokes what's going on they're like hey what's four plus four and then someone goes seven and then they all laugh it's funny because that's not the right answer like okay time to go back to regular math and then they've just be like they're all laughing at

like home star runner and I think they were being racist towards like Korean when he's oh that's probably yeah it's the same exact yeah absolutely Vietnamese actually honestly we did make fun of Albanians like as children even so eldest we would really mock that was a regional rivalry it was what are what are some of the other I love this podcast now just racist jokes kid racist jokes yeah I don't really remember them either yeah I don't remember any jokes well I remember the ones my dad guy throwing his clock out the window yeah that shit sucks dude jokes for terrible and then you love them as a kid you're

like oh these are great well I would laugh at like full house dude that's true I wouldn't I didn't think full house was funny I didn't know the difference between shows that weren't funny and shows I just got so sad about Danny Tanner's wife being I watched a lot of 7th heaven and I probably referred to it as a sitcom numerous I thought it was weird to me family matters was good well that's why I laugh tracks good dude yeah it tells you when you know that's true yeah I mean I thought that bitch mom being a bitch all the time on 7th heaven was funny that's it that's a joke I remember from that from there and we

of course you call it Urkel you don't call it family matters but they were filling out a form and it was like age 17 height five six sex yes please yeah I remember that shit classic yeah yes please class I thought that was from Austin Powers no I that was all it was literally on a family matters episode damn I might rewatch I rewatched both collateral and thief this week collateral is great dude it's great to see Tom play a bad guy yeah with Jeremy Fox with gray hair which I think he is he's actually gray in real life no shit I think that might be the only time you see whoa what yeah he's like in his six fifties

probably I think he's almost you stole my briefcase he's older than you think he is yeah he's old yeah I mean I doubt he's 60 he's probably like 58 dude when you're talking about that judge I just remembered like in Vegas there was like a crisis because this woman who was like 600 pound woman got elected as a judge yeah 57 and she had to be like taken off the bench because she was like she was massively fat she was on oxygen she couldn't walk she had a rascal and she made her bailiff like massage her feet and stuff and massage her back she like her husband she like brought to court and had the clerk swear him in to

so he could testify about whether he did his chores at home or not what she was like a monster and like the state like like a supreme court had to like get her off the bench was like her husband went to jail for 15 years for hitting her with a frying pan and then yeah she like they got a classic crime dude that's like a frying pan domestic violence yeah that's a classic one yeah Halverson I think her name was Halverson and it was it was just front page news every day because this bitch would just fall asleep like in the middle of testimony she was like the bailiff like asked to like get transferred from which trial at any

size did she was just she got elected somehow a big bitch she was like 600 pounds all right she was like medically fucking fat and then she was so fat yo you got to see a picture of her too she looks the picture is just incredible she's like she's on oxygen all day long that's fucked up yeah look judge Halverson judge Halverson judge Nevada Asian style judge judge oh my god this is yeah she might be more than 600 pounds she's dead she died thank god she died at 56 it was so funny just shy of Cruz damn yeah this is a large woman here this is a big woman this is yeah imagine

being just being that bitch and being like oh I can't find any clothes that fit I guess I'll become a judge I guess I'll do the only job where man look at this drinking Pepsi respect dude it's so funny like I would love to have seen it in the flesh damn bailiff too attentive imagine having to touch that woman in any way the bailiff she used to make the bailiff put her shoes on because she was so fat how much is it paid to be a bailiff probably not enough an hour and then he got transferred and then she hired her own security detail she hired like three it was like every day there's a new check from what crackers I don't know

yeah why was she what I don't know who cares fuck this bitch why were you looking into this fat judge I just remembered it when you were talking about that judge that was doing pranks I was like oh damn I remember that 900 pound judge in Vegas it's such a Vegas story too she like that happens all the time what happens in Vegas stays in the shame she wasn't the judge that oversaw the court case against you and your father having gays on true but the case busted open by yours truly anything brought you busted it wide open yeah brought open your honor I'm just a

detective from New Hampshire I'm a humble detective you're out of your jurisdiction no my jurisdiction covers guys that fuck their dads I'm a humble ass motherfucker and because of the new Beijing extradition laws it affects New Hampshire I gotta get it I gotta get to funny mom's oh can you do me a favor yeah there's a shirt I threw it yeah that one right there yep mm-hmm there's some that girl whose name is on there if you can give it to her okay yeah if you listen everyone please come see me this week in Detroit and Kalamazoo Michigan October 19th and 20th and I will also be in Lafayette I added a bunch of cities to

the ruthless and toothless final chapter tour oh damn Lafayette New Orleans motherfucking the stress factor final blapter Atlanta we got a blapter coming on Houston it's the last page of the book Nashville motherfuckers yes you know go to stavi.biz slash tour stavi black blizz but yeah I'm coming to a bunch of fucking cities this week Detroit Kalamazoo please come in and he's ready to do the show stavi.biz stave.business.com.sexuality.cash.pussy.money.records LLC sorry cash money slash pussy.business association LLC extreme detailing service that is we also fix elevators

slash I got my elevator inspection license from the city