The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 180 – all cylinders

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

everyone feels bad. everyone riffs hard

Word and we're gay and we're off tech. Tech. Tech. Tech. Good. Check. Tech. One. Check if you see Tech. Tech. Can you tell me where it is? I had a better one. Testing one five six If you see my testing if you see my penis, that's what it was testing one three be Testing one cookie. Just do this for an hour man. Yeah, who fucking cares that can we could funnel some money into a nonprofit Where we teach retarded people how to podcast. I mean I've had that mental image of the guys the drive-thru thing going. Good morning, Vietnam There's just a line of cars back up 15 miles You know a lot of people want the new Popeyes chicken sandwich

Lord if they got that retarded boy doing a good morning Vietnam again when the new sandwich coming out Have waited for the DC from Baltimore I'm trying to go to the Popeyes three times over from here to get my spicy chicken Popeyes sandwich because I Been done seeing the commercial. It's back. I've been done seeing the commercial to interrupt this camera Adam you have a review of the Popeyes chicken sandwich. I tried it today. How did you feel? I thought it was normal? Wow, I haven't had it yet, but I didn't have it in the shop You know I mean you'd have a fresh like fresh. I got it delivered, but it came pretty quickly

It was a under 15 minute. Did you get fries with it? I got Cajun fries the Cajun fries go off Of course, you know what I had some Cajun fries left over. I ate him like four hours later still pretty good So pretty good. Some of the most reheatable fries in the industry. Really? It's true McDonald's fries suck Garbage dick after like 20 minutes McDonald's you have to eat like as it's coming off immediately as it's coming off the griddle Hot McDonald's fry though. Great. If you get backed up on some good morning Vietnam stuff. Mm-hmm, you know, you're fucked Oh, yeah, yeah, I waited for my food for 30 minutes. There is a guy kept saying good morning Vietnam into the headset Good morning Yeah

That's right very good Eric. That's very good. That is correct. They're a good job Eric People are mad. There's a helicopter outside Apparently the cars are backed up 15 miles into the town over They refuse to take him off though 15 miles makes me think about 15 minutes of paradise remember that came. Hey folks Here in Hanoi becoming Robin Williams. What if it's a story? It's the only thing he's good at What if that's Rob Williams coming back? He's like a savant. No, he's he's haunting a retard from Saigon to Hanoi The Hanoi Hanoi remember that guy the noid piece of pizza a little Caesar. I wonder what would have been a little Bruno

You got a little Caesar would have a little Bruno Yeah, it's a little Brutus little Brutus little Brutus pizza. Yeah, they call it something like that. Good morning, man We're back Yeah, I see a lot of women that look like robin was like old women. Yeah Do you see do you find that phenomenon? Yeah, you have that's your type. No There's a type of you see a lot of like a I don't see them in terms of I've been seeing several times. I don't fuck women I've been taking Rob and Williams ladies stop got ladies of the genie on

Taking me get sangria do it stops dating three women that look like this is down far This is what down far had some big ass titties, dude. Yeah, but they were fake dude, you know, they're not as good as the real thing I wouldn't fuck miss doubt fire, but I'd fuck a lady that looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. I guess come on, bro No, you wouldn't a young version. What does a young version look like it's a man dressed up like an old Oh, what if take if Mrs. Doubtfire was a woman, right? An old bitch with big teeth She was kind of shapely because her shit was fake, right now you extrapolate that I'm trying to get his kid back so instead of pretending to be an old British lady He tends to be an old black lady. Okay, and the movie is called Mrs. Shout fire

Okay, she's like first of all, I'm gonna be loud I'm coming. I'll come to the old school I got to be honest if somebody picks that to Robin Williams at the right time In blackface. Yeah with a cameo by Billy Crystal as the jazz man For whatever reason, there's like the audience of plauds when he first comes on screen Sitcom. There's no Audience for the rest. There's no audience Billy Crystal shows up in blackface Stands there smiling the Kelly Bundy treatment waiting for them to finish

cheering for him Waving that would be awesome. That would be an awesome flourish in a movie. Mm-hmm. Oh like Tarantino not unlike yeah Tarantino, what do you mean? Yeah, he would do he does he writes the n-word? Yeah And then you say the first thing Billy Crystal says he goes, you know, he's waits for them to come down He's like, sorry. I'm late. I'm black Like good to see you Billy Hey, man, thank you. Well, how does what do you do not like? Oh, yeah, what would he do?

Thanks for noticing my penis. Thanks for looking at my penis Nice Let's get it hard Is he in the blackface? I'm trying to win you back from your slut mother She's a slut. That's a fun word isn't it slut? Because you can hear the dicks going in her pussy when you say it You're gonna hear him hitting the back

That's what it sounds like doesn't it Billy nice Nice penis Back we have all this one my kids are here. You're gonna back me up in front of my kids dad. We know it's you He's talking in his regular Black lady, you're just wearing a black lady clothes Oh shot fire pulled her dick out and was complimenting Billy Crystal's dick I think Jessica said something very strange Do you know Billy Crystal?

Because my ex-husband Robin Williams was good friends with him And I'm always worried that he's gonna try and use the skies to sneak Back into our lives. Oh hell yeah, so this is like kind of a curb your enthusiasm style Oh, yeah, her movie. I mean I would have could have sworn it was you Robin, but I'm pretty sure that he killed himself a couple years ago This is shot fire I have to be honest with you I really thought You if somebody told me that it would you were Robin in disguise just doing blackface so you could compliment Billy Crystal's penis

I would believe them but luckily I know you I know you committed suicide Oh, that's good. He did. He did. Yeah, you must be Mrs. Shaffer. Yeah, that's a weird coincidence Isn't that crazy the week after he killed himself? Get that penis in there Billy. Show my children your penis. It's the bottom of the ninth. Everybody's out and Billy's penis is up Am I gonna suck it or am I gonna fuck it? It's the world series of Billy's penis. Oh Yes, oh, wow damn Salute the Sally feels getting her cheeks clapped by fucking James Bond, dude

Oh, yeah, he plays the other man. Yeah, Pierce Brosnan I always thought it was weird when his son catches him peeing in the Mrs. Doubtfire close and he's peeing standing up His son's like, oh, isn't that the reveal his son knows and they're on cahoots now. Well, I don't think that he knows It's his dad. I think he just thinks Mrs. Doubtfire is a penis. No, he knows Is that how he finds out like it's me your dad. Yeah, of course I know you'd recognize my penis I have news for you. That's not Sammy Davis I

Don't want my husband ex-husband's friends showing my children their penis anymore Would come over You billy crystal head dancing a recut a recut of like Fuckin hilarious, just recut Mrs. Doubtfire so it opens with the scene of him in the dress and his daughter seeing his penis And they cut the Sally feel being like Robin. I wanted to He was already dressing up like Cut out all the Hari fires teen shit. Just nothing where he's normal. No Any customers down for me like oh, no

No She left him because he was doing this That movie ends and they don't get back together, right? No, but they're happy now. Yeah, they're happy She's happy with her new man. She's getting her fucking the message of the 90s every movie in the 90s was like, you know Those things will kill you and some guy quitting smoking. Yeah, well, you know, like an alien's hunting, right, right, right And then, you know, it's like divorce divorce is the worst thing in the world Actually, it's good. Yeah, because I was like parents still love you, you know as much as people talk about like White people being overrepresented in media like the divorce divorce obsessions in the 90s

Yeah, who's insane or the dead parent? Well successful like pro. I mean progeny is a good band, but all their songs are like I just found out I have a stepdad Oh He didn't realize that wasn't yeah, my real dad died in Vietnam And now I have to drink a beer I am drinking a beer to be am I heard that um Jack Jack Nicholson found out that his older sister was his mom. Whoa, and that's why he's that's why I fuck so much Yeah, wow, cuz he yeah, cuz he was so fucked up by that. His mom was a hot pussy. His grandma was his

His mom was his grandma cuz if Freud is right and I've really looked into his was that he wanted to fuck his sister Well, if his sister's his mom now, he's like now. I'd like to fuck hot chicks instead of a mom I don't know if his sister was hot pro or his mom's sister She probably was forward so funny because it's like he's like developed all this, you know, like a Basis for psychoanalysis and a breakdown of like this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah and like You know, so you can see him as like a scientist, but he was also seeing patients Right and doing bumps. Yeah, and you know, I'm a pathetic guy at all

Yeah, I can't imagine being your therapist. Yeah, he would have been probably Walking out and they're like looking all like crestfallen somebody's like what's up? He's like, I don't know. He just said you're gay and then swish Yeah wiping his nose the whole time his wiping his nose in the back He said you want to fuck your dad and then you made a shotgun noise. Yeah Checkmate checkmate. You secretly want to fuck your dad. That's why you're left-handed. Oh Yeah, what did he say? He didn't like left-handed people Jack Nicholson was yes was brought up believing that his mother was a sister and his grandparents or his parents for 37 years

Dude, you know in the 20s or whatever the fuck I would get sucked off by his mom I think it was later than the 20s, but yeah, how much later this motherfuckers old as shit He's not a hundred years old. This is like clothes, bro I've seven year old Jack Nicholson sitting at the dinner table and there's no dinner served and his mom's like her Sister's like I'm going out on a date I'm gonna see one of my fella friends If you catch my drift little guy There's a couple of hot dogs in the icebox feel free to help yourself

Suck off an entire fleet If you catch my drift, I'm gonna blow a bunch of sailors. I'm gonna put their dicks in my mouth 1937 which by pretty close to the 20s, by the way We don't have any mustard, but if you want to squeeze some of the old come out of my panties He's like I guess I got to be an actor. I got it. I got it the fuck all cheese mom I guess if you want to be a whore, you don't have to Be such a whore to my face. I'm sick. Wait, so he found out in his 30s Yeah, I guess you found out when he was 37, bro. Wow, that would fuck me up. I guess

What it? Yeah, what if he jacked off? I mean not that he jacked not that you jack off to your sister I don't know. I don't have a sister, but what if you jacked off to a sister and they was like wait, that was my mom Yeah, you think that listen, I'm doing this cuz I'm trying to get you into that nice new retarded school They have down the street But I already go to school and I'm not retarded and that guy's the foreman in a steel mill Listen shut up will you I'm your mother after all just kidding. I mean You'll figure it out In front of him hell yeah, dude respect respect to that Hussie dude that means she got her she got raw dog

She was alright. How old was she when she gave birth to him? I don't know, but it was 1935 30 36 when she was fucked. Oh, yeah, who was president? Hoover Hoover. She got no no my friend was FDR dude. Yeah Franklin dick suck Leo Rock. Yeah, I was Roosevelt My man was getting Dude, I one time when I went on tour with wham city They had some guy open for them that was like just some local guy the oldest shit and I asked him It was a horrible show and he like played piano or whatever and I asked him

Uh-huh when wet who was president when he got his dick sucked it for the first time and he said true Well true it was president damn that's so funny. It was like alive and kicking dude. It all how old is he was an old man Um Yeah, he was old. He was old as fuck, but he was still kicking bro Still getting his dick sucked. Mm-hmm open him for Ben That's right opening for Ben and Alan Robbie the whole crew and me the whole crew It's Ben's birthday today. Happy birthday. Shout out to Ben. Shout out to Ben O'Brien That bald fucking slut that cute bald motherfucker. Mr. Clean if you want someone to Mr. Clean your pussy ladies

holler at Ben O'Brien Ben Ben foe Brian on Twitter No, if you're only only if you're a hot woman talk to him if you're a fucking loser don't bother my friend But if you want to get he's he's got big arms and he's got a thicker penis than you'd think Why would you think he doesn't have a thick penis? I don't know. It's just he doesn't see but you know what? Maybe I should think that maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not being fair to my penis energy You're right. He's got a nice thick piece. He's got big pop-eye arms He's got the face of Justin Long. He does and the head of Telly Saval Yes, that's right. Oh my god. So please for his birthday give the give my boy Ben O'Brien head

Well, it'll be a late birthday present. That's true. But can we get this up tonight? Yeah, get it up tonight for Ben Rush this up so Ben can get his cock fucking absolutely sauteed by some fucking saliva from a whore in LA Or in the surrounding area if you're willing to drive to Los Angeles, I suppose Last time I spoke to him. He's got a nice spot. I believe no, I'm not going to say the neighborhood, but it's a nice So that's our birthday shout out of the day for Ben O'Brien. Oh, I got a couple more. Actually go ahead. Who else? It's my friend Sawyer's birthday. Really? Yeah. Wow. Happy birthday to Sawyer. Happy birthday to Sawyer. Who else? Who else? Um, who else is what is it? Scorpio dude?

Yeah, this is scorpions. This Scott. Well, good ass, man. Shout out to the scorpions. Shout out to the fucking scorpions. I think the second episode in the row they've been mentioned Here I am. Um, so I can go stick again. Oh, yeah, shout out. Oh, shit. Did he it was Diddy's birthday today? Ralph Macchio Well, we got a lot. Oh, shout out to the dog Matthew McConaughey Des Bryant. Damn a lot of good birthdays. Someone named Yoatsy Castro Kathy Griffin. Oh, boot. We do not wish her a happy Jeff probes survivor. Shout out Um, oh shout out to the dog that killed the religious scholar. Bethany Frankel The Tony Abbots. So much ahead of Isis Ben. Is it a dog? Benjamin Gates

Um, I think that was it. No, no, no, the Doris Roberts. Doris Roberts birthday. Also, she's dead. Whoa. When did Doris die? Who everyone loves Raymond's mom? Everybody's pussy sucks Raymond. Wow. Hold on. I got a couple more here. Every love. Everybody loves brain men. He just sucked everybody's dick. Oh, it Laura Bush's birthday. So happy birthday to Bennett O'Brien, Laura Bush, Jeff Probst The fucking pink rose of pussy of Texas pink. Pussy. The pussy rose of Texas. I did a lot. I watched a lot of Dr. Quinn medicine woman the other day. My whole thing is like simulating 1998. That bitch is hot, dude. I remember her being really hot. I stole this from Stov. Stov said she was hot first. Thank you. Thank you. So we talked about it and Stov said she was hot and you said nothing and now that it's come up again, you're going to be the one that says

maybe soft set in 1993. Speaking of Ben O'Brien's birthday, that is a very good tribute. That time he did a joke. And then the next episode, you did the exact same joke. That was honestly the funniest thing I've ever experienced in my life. There's funnier things. No, having you completely dead. And I'm not even the guy who's like you steal, right? Nick does that to you way more than I do. Well, I do do it and I'm not even the guy that does it. I'm just someone that I'm one of many people that have noticed a trend. What do you mean, many? Many people are saying we don't have to bring this back. Gaby, Gaby, Adam's gay. Bravo 118. We've got Adam stealing jokes. That's not we've got in our size. Come on, guys. Oh, you're doing a helicopter. We're a helicopter. We're zeroed in on Adam and easy. We've got him on infrared and he's typing up jokes. He's finding these good jokes, good jokes.

Yeah, it's out of it. Personal friends of mine. No, come on, bro. He's finding jokes to steal on a tactical laptop in al-Qaeda territory. I want to get one of those laptops that you like drop from heavy duty. Yeah. You're on one of the construction sites and war zones. You're on one of those scrolling back to fucking who's Brian Parisi's Twitter. Brian Parisi? I don't know, man. I'm just picking a guy we know. Come on, bro. I'm sorry. Adam's like, yeah, people say have a very vaginal accent. That's the only one of Parisi's jokes I remember. What is this? I got a real vaginal accent. I'll tell you what, if you want to bet on how many jokes Adam stole this time. Come on, bro. You can bet on it. It's not even a joke. I just observed that Dr. Quinn. Yeah, well, that counts, man. It counts.

What would be the joke that you would do? I was like, Oh, I just remember she was okay. So do a joke about her being hot. What do you mean a joke? So like on the show because I want to see a room testing you. So okay. So if you think Megan Fox is hot and you say it in a couple weeks later, I say Megan Fox is hot. So on the show that like would say something funny about Dr. Quinn, you say it. You're putting yourself, you're doing a joke. Yeah, I have one locked and loaded, by the way. I did it over text already. Yeah, I know. So we got it. So we know. Document it. So you'd like just use your brain as a professional comedian. I don't get what you're trying to do. Do a joke about Dr. Quinn medicine when being hot. Yeah. Why would you make a joke about that? We're doing a comedy podcast. We riff. Yeah, but sometimes we remember people that we used to think it was hot. And then we toss out a little riff. Okay, Dr. Quinn medicine pussy. Okay. Okay, that could be one. Okay, take that out. So they're on the old West, right? You know, just stuff up. You rub your, maybe her pussy juices vapor. What would you say to Dr. Quinn medicine woman?

You say Dr. Quinn. I have like a case. A case of what of the Dr. Quinn medicine penis. Oh, come on. What do you mean? Consumption. No, that's not a joke. That's something that happens on the show. You fucking moron. So I'm making it literally accurate. I'm making it accurate to the show. You're trying to fuck her. What could be a malady that you need to get a trigger into letting you fuck? The heavy balls. There we go. What joke stops heavy balls, Joe? Dr. Quinn. I got a bad case of heavy balls. No, that you didn't. My balls are overloaded. Come on. That's it. That's it. That's a text. So you have your drone. Show me the text. I mean, it's literally says heavy guys. It's so funny. This is awesome. No, they're making up a text. No, this is unbelievable. This is so true. This hilarious. When did you say heavy balls? It was between me and Nick. Yeah, it was. I haven't even seen the text. It's on your phone. But he did it on the show. He said you have a case of heavy balls and you need some Dr. Quinn medicine pussy.

No, but you got this and I'll give you Dr. Quinn medicine pussy. Give that to me. I'll give that to you. That's fine. Well, I was just going to say I was a case of consumption because that would have been accurate to the show. Anyways, I haven't stolen that. Are you the type of fan that knows football so well that here we go. Here we go. Dr. Quinn. I have a very bad case of overfilled balls. Okay, and I said heavy balls. 1049. You guys text that to each other off thread Saturday, October 26. If you said that on the come time, if you said that on the come time, I did it the next episode. Or maybe he did. He said it. No, he said it prior to this back when we talked about Dr. Quinn the first time. He said that she has heavy balls. He said that Dr. Quinn got a bad case of heavy balls or overfilled balls. I need my balls. And I said heavy balls. I literally just said that he said why else would you need a pussy from a woman. I don't know. Are you the type of fan that knows football so well that you could choose any game and call it. That's the kind of guy I am.

Well, my bookie is the place for you. See, I would have said my penis has gone inside out and I needed to be sucked back in the chat. That's really good. See, I wouldn't have gone heavy balls. Or you could even say there's a tapeworm in my penis and I need it sucked. Something can be sucked out of your penis. I'm sort of the miles Davis is riffing. You do a jazz style. I always have. No one knows where I'm coming. I don't follow the rules. It's about the slurs you don't say. Yeah, I understand. It's about the n-bombs you don't drop.

You're doing some paint by number stuff. It's obvious you would obviously... Well, then by virtue of that, you're saying stuff doesn't suit. It comes out of me like I'm a virtuoso. I just didn't understand what you guys were asking me just now. It stops very good at very specific things. Thank you. In case of heavy balls, it fits his oeuvre. Thank you.

It doesn't fit my oeuvre. Okay, I won't ever say that again. It does not fit your oeuvre. Now let me ask you this. Are you a type of fan that knows football so well that you could choose any game and call it? Well, my bookie is the place for you because they let you turn all your sports knowledge into cash in your wallet. I love that shit, dude. Look, there's only two things I know about. Sports and Nazi Germany. And now I'm making money off both. Wait a second.

On mybookie.com? No, just the sports stuff. I'm betting there. And then with the Nazi information, I'm training people online. I'm doing web seminars to teach a man how to be better, more tactical. Absolutely. They weren't tactical enough, if you ask me. Yeah, they were. They were highly tactical. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Are you out of your fucking mind? This is awesome for my bookie. They're getting the first half of the read is us going after stealing. The second half is Nick's fucking defending Nazis. I'm defending their tactics. I didn't think they were that tactical. They were very tactical. We can pick this up after the read is after this natural conversation.

They were wearing like Hugo Bosses. They could have worn more cargo pockets. Look, you know what I'm just saying? They could have been more tactical. What could be more tactical than just exterminating? Let's not ask that question right now. Do you think that's a tactic? I mean, no one else came up with it. Is any tactic?

Definitely. Yes. So you could have a bad tactic and that would be tactical. It's still tactical. That's the definition that I conceded the point. The Nazis were tactical. Well, my bookie is a place for you because they let you turn all your sports knowledge into cash in your wallet. Between football season NBA and the start of college basketball season.

It's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action with my bookie. That's right. You guys tired of being on the sidelines? Maybe you're tired of being in jail because you're doing illegal gambling out on the street. That's playing, going up there. Domino's. Going stoop by stoop in East New York saying you guys trying to do some dice? You guys trying to get some dice action?

Throw some bones. They put a gun in your face, don't they? Trust me, I've been out there. I've tried to make a little extra scratch with a handful of dice and going around bad neighborhoods. Trying to... What do you say, fellas? Friendly game of dice? Just getting the shit absolutely kicked out of you.

What do you say, fellas? Not even robbed, just out of principle beating the kid out of you. Look, man, we can't have you thinking you're safe around here. We can't have you walking around here. Wearing a pinstripe suit with flip flops. Keep your money. But we are going to fuck your ass up. Between football season NBA and the start of college, we already did that one.

If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little to win a lot, try a parlay. Me? That's stop, dude. They call him parlay. SK, stop. He's parlaying. SK, hot dog. What's that?

They plump when you cook them. That's ballpark, dude. SK are the official ballpark. SK is the trashiest. Yeah, they're the Glen Bernie hot dogs. It's a Maryland hot dog. Yeah, and I don't like the way you said Maryland, by the way. The disdain in your fucking voice.

I was just saying the name of the city. What's your fucking hot dog from Vegas, bitch? The Nevada hot dog? Yeah. LM. What the fuck is that? It's just a type of hot dog. Ladies mucus.

It's made from yeast and infection. Fucking, that sucks. That's how dumb women are, dude. They can be killed by bread. They're fucking pussy makes bread and then they die. Can you imagine that? Can you die from me? If you made a penis,

if your penis made the type of snack you would live forever. Can I tell you, you become a perpetual motion machine. You can start a bakery. Elders literally got yeast infection on his penis. From not going, like not showering? I don't know, man. He's got thighs like a woman.

So it's just like, he made the same. She couldn't breathe. I got a yeast infection on my penis at my bookie dad, AG. Elders here for my bookie dad, AG. Shut up. So yeah, man. For instance,

if you like a couple of the big favorites this week, Parley's, like Parley SK Stavros would do, are perfect because they let you bet multiple of the games together for a much bigger payout. Yeah, it's like playing the lottery. We pick multiple numbers. And then you can win more money, dude.

When I go play the lottery, sometimes I just try and turn in the card with the number nine selected. And they're like, no, you got to pick all the numbers. I was like, bitch, I'm going to do what I asked. I'm going to do me. I'm wobbling in the liquor store, and then my pants fall down.

I'm like, nobody's going to tell me who I is. Fresh after getting the shit kicked out of you outside. Trying to play dice. Trying to play dice in my pinstripe suit. I have a concussion. I'm trying to play nine at the lottery.

I'm making the money back, baby. I'm good. I'm on my way. I'm putting the D's to my house on nine. You guys are cool, man. If you're tired of watching games from the couch with nothing to gain. I hate not gaining shit.

My bookie wants you to take your mind off everything else and get back on the game. It would be better if you didn't endorse the website because I don't think a lot of the fans like you or your ideas. They're very popular amongst the fans. Slowly but surely. I think it would be better if only

the guys endorse. Only the fellas do. It's nothing against you, Janice. What was his name? Janice? I know so much more about gambling and marketing and.ag websites.

I could know more about sports than you very easily. I don't care too because I'm too busy not to do it. I have to split my knowledge between sports and not to do it. We don't really have to talk about this point.

We could just talk about the advantages of using my bookie. I'm going to start referring to the Holy Roman Empires, the second Reich and fucking Rome is the first Reich. No. Why? I think it's fair. I don't fuck with the Romans

because they did jack our shit, dude. Whatever, you want to call them, that's fine. Yeah. They copied your gods. They just changed the names. I kind of like that, honestly. Zeus is a better name than fucking whatever.

People get mad at colonialism. They go in and make a room be Christian. That's wrong. What if they take your religion and change the names? There's no way to go in and rape and murder an entire civilization without people getting upset

about it. Yeah, that's right. That's a good point. Do you call the planets their Greek names? Yeah, dude, of course. Yannis. Yannis. That's Saturn, right? No, that's Zeus.

No, Jupiter's Zeus. What's Saturn? No, that's not Greek. Neptune is Poseidon. That's right. Pluto is a dog. The Greeks didn't know about. Oh, Mars was

Aries. Whatever. Who cares? Who cares? If you want to join now, my book, you will match your deposit halfway all the way up to a thousand dollars. That means if you deposit two thousand dollars, you get an extra one thousand dollars in free money to play with.

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actor take advantage of my bookies generous signup Oh, yeah, you got it. You need you need to have a more little base. You got to have. Yeah. Hey, it's Jack Nicholson's mom here.

Fannie Mae Nicholson here for my bookie dot ag if you're a second dick to put your son through high school, the retarded public high school you you

listen jack sometimes it just feels good I can't help it that I get to do what I love for a little maybe one day you will too maybe one day they'll pay it act like a faggot cry over time can you imagine such a

job maybe they'll find some way to record it for posterity like a photograph but it moves and makes noise Well, off to have sex with men at my bookie dot AT. You heard it here first, folks. Promo Code, come town. Jack Nicholson's mother.

They changed the November 6th. And the current 100% sign up offer to a 50% sign up bonus. Yeah, that was in the copy. Oh, okay. And but there's a grace period extended till November 11th allow any listeners who sign up with that timeframe to still receive the 100% math. Wow. Do it by then guys.

Do it freaking quick, mate. Otherwise, you're going to you're losing free money, but it's all you're going to win every bed. That's the best. Stop. Especially if you listen to stuff. So I've called Ravens over. I did.

Well done. My friend. He said, then fucking dirty birds. Yeah, fuck Tom Brady, Tom Brady's fucking gay. You could say the guy sucks dick for a little thank you, Jack Nicholson's mother. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I know. Bring that stanky old pussy over here, you know, I'm trying to get it from Jack Nicholson's

mother. Yeah, my pussy also smoked cigarettes. Yeah, it was you. Who's you the fucking joker? I love that. I just imagine Jack Nicholson's head on a fucking shapely woman, dude. Can't we all just get along? Yeah, say to the they say the M word from the party while I fuck you.

That's my favorite part of any movie. Yeah. When they say the M word. That's the thing. My son doesn't realize, you know, I love when bitches say gratuitous M words, you know, I should guess my fucking penis horde nights to Columbus were true guineas, real headbusters. Not fucked every one of them. Back in the old days, we had the church.

I want to say I sucked off everybody who went to church ever who's ever been to church. Where do you think Jack Nicholson was conceived somewhere in the Midwest at a sock hop? No, he's from the East Coast. Yeah. But like, what was she think it was a bad you think she got fucked in a car? Yeah. Back when his old Tommy Beds versus that weird metal frame. Yeah.

Yeah. Crip. Weeks brand new. Wallpaper room. Yep. Did it. She was wearing her dress still, probably. Keep doing that, dude.

Did it. Dude. What it is. Oh, what's up? Can I say it, I'm not going to say it. Say the word. Say it. Say it.

Say it. Say it. A brother. A brother. Get get some cut. That is the radio editor. That song is hilarious. I know we've talked about it.

Some cut. It's like, well, what it is, girl. What's going on? Well, you look nice today. Can a guy hold your hand pretty please? Yeah. Can we get married and not even have sex then? Yeah.

We go to church every day. Yeah. Some cut. What a great song. Is that Trillville? Trillville. Featuring Lil Scrappy. That is correct.

What it is. So what's up? What else we got on the freaking docket? I hope my fucking tooth heals up nice, dude. When do you get the tooth? Three months from now. I can't wait. Yeah.

Where are you going to want to fuck? Mm-hmm. Adam's getting his penis put in about the same time. Whoa, for real? They just put the screw in his vagina. They had to put the screw in that it has to heal. Yeah. It's going to take a long time because his vagina has a seven and a half inch diameter.

Mm-hmm. That's a lot. Yeah. So they have to keep caulking it in? It's a gauge negative 17. It's going to take a while to get it to close up. But it's worth it, man. His body keeps rejecting the screw.

Only a dick in here, please. Yeah. What they did was they melted down some nickels and they made the screw out of that. And then it's now it's finally, yeah, finally, there's something about the, he can sense. Come on. It's actually, the doctor's saying it's the fastest that wound has ever healed in his history. He's never seen anything like it.

It almost closed up around. I called him up. I was like, hi, I'm Adam's co-worker and I wanted to have information on his medical stuff. How is pussy surgery? How is, how good is pussy screw is healing? I'm really not supposed to do this, but he's got a big fat vagina. It's not healing too good.

You said you're also a doctor. No, I didn't. No. Okay. Oh, well, whatever. He's kind of annoying, honestly. He cares. Yeah.

I don't really like him. He fucking sucks. Imagine your doctor being like, oh, that guy fucking sucks, dude. That guy is such a fag. A doctor wouldn't say that. You know, they think some guys suck that they see. Yeah, but they wouldn't say it. I hate being a doctor.

I fucking suck, dude. You gotta seal up this fucking pussy. Dude, I thought it was all going to be put like awesome pussy. I thought I was going to suck clits, suckin' all clits. Just like, well, what a molested child thinks a gynecologist does. I thought it was going to be suckin' all clits and playing fucking tic-tac-toe on my mouth with them motherfucking titties, spouting out for the X's and O's all over my tin with them titties.

Why are you doing that voice, doctor? I'm so hot. Dude, I'm down a k-hole right now. I'm so, I'm fucking, I'm sucking up all the gases in the operating room. I got everybody's files and I'm calling up their boys and I'm just ripping on them. I got the gas going. I'm calling up. Look, this man, Eric, has he come in because his dick doesn't get hard and I'm, I called

up his frat and I told everybody, boy, his dick sucks. Yeah, what I do is I call everybody's emergency contact. Fuck, dude, I'm so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. Obviously. What is this? It's not socks. It's not socks.

What is this shit? The fuck is in my office? Well, anyway, thanks, man. Thanks for telling me about the big pussy. The fuck are all these like, I got to take off though. The fuck are all these canisters? Why don't we even need any of this shit, dude? Next time I do surgery.

I'm just gonna. Okay. I'm going to try. All right. Well, I'm going to go. I'm going to be the bartender again and switch them up, dude, like James Bond would. Nice. Nice.

Yeah. Yep. Okay. Yo, tell Adam what he's got cancer. I couldn't stop laughing and he was like, what? I was like, nothing, nothing, but maybe you get to home because he's your boy. Yeah, I tried, but I couldn't keep a straight face. I was laughing too hard.

I was so fucked up off gas. I couldn't. I couldn't tell. Because they got a big piss. I'm fucking laughing at people. I told some bitch. She had titty cancer. I'm like, I'm sorry.

I mean, breast cancer. I'm like, you got to go again. I mean, you got to understand. I'm like, I'm fucked up. Yeah. It was a long weekend, we got all new gas in trying out all the gas. All right. See you doc.

Fuck dude. I had a doc. I shot shots out to my old doctor. Just let me get Adderall without even really needing it. I'm about to go back to him. He wasn't quite that guy, but he was pretty close. He was a pusher, man. He's a pusher, man.

I'm your mama. I'm your daddy. I'm that boob in the alley. What's the coke? What's some weed? I don't believe those are the lyrics. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are.

Are they? Yeah, I'm your mama. I'm your daddy on that boob in the alley. What's some coke? What's some weed? I'm your boob when it needs. I'm the boob man. That's not.

Now that one I'm sure. Boob man. Beep beep beep boob. Just move on up. Boop boop. No. No. Move on up.

Boop boop. Classic Curtis Mayfield is. I used to love Curtis Mayfield. I guess I still do. Yeah, he rocks. Curtis Mayfield's great. Suck on up. Suck my dick.

My whole penis. Don't be a gay boob. Don't be gay. Suck my whole penis. Don't be gay about it. Suck on up. My whole penis. I'm addressing the Bronx today.

There's like a welcome to the Bronx sign. I was getting myself into like welcome to the Bronx. I'm not fucking gay. I just mean welcome like in a casual sense. I'm not fucking gay. I just mean like a friend or whatever. Listen, don't fucking look at me. Oh, fuck dude.

I want to go back to J.B. Spamone's and whatever the fuck it's called. Oh, yeah. Ellen B. Spamone Gardens. You know what? I'll say the name when I think of it. Adam. In Graveson. I don't need to be correct.

That's in Brooklyn though. It is. That's correct. That is correct. It's pretty good. I took my cousin there when he was in town. Welcome to the jungle. Oh, yeah.

The owner of the store called me and told me. No. The owner got murdered in like a mob hit. No. The new owner. What do you mean? Oh, I guess they have a new one. Yeah.

How you doing? My name's Lucille. The Stefan. The guy on Google. I'm the new owner and I'm friends with Adam's doctor. Yeah. I was going to ask you. Did you just happen to see two really gay Jewish guys come in?

Yes. Yes. I did. You know what? I've got, we took a picture of them because it was so funny. And they were like, oh, did they eat something? Like, did they win a challenge now? Yeah.

In fact, I showed my doctor because I thought it was so funny. And he was like, you're not going to fucking believe that. That guy has the biggest pussy I've ever seen in my life. I've been putting screws up that guy's ass and calling it his pussy for years. Yeah. We put a hardware store's son through fucking college buying different types of screws. Fucking, yeah. And stuff is whole up.

Yeah. We're the reason for Home Depot's success. Because we had to buy so many screws. Fuck. I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't say that about your cousin. It's not that he's.

Yeah. It's that the average on average. You can give it to me. That's how gay you are. If you call average of you and a regular guy is still two of the gayest guys. Jared out of this, man. Yeah. You went by name.

Yeah. Do they make special special pills for your. Oh, yeah. For a penis. Yeah. For what? Yes. Yes.

They make special pills for your penis. Oh, dude. Do they ever and I need it because I've been pretty depressed. I haven't been really, you know, I had this tooth out of the circulate. I haven't been getting my steps. You got divorced. I got divorced. So my penis is dipping is not.

I was I was on a very nice streak of having a hard ass dick. Free, free, free style, free solo, free solo. Yeah. But now my dick has really seen some better. I don't know. Maybe it's emotional. I'm not sure exactly what it is. The point is though, thank God for Bluetooth.

Fucking calm because I pump my fucking failed cock full of meds to the point where it's nice, thick and hard and it's able to fuck, you know, whoever's around. I'm Bob more than but you. No. It's the one type of candy that I'm allowed. Why would that be the one? It's nice that it is a candy. It tastes great. It tastes great.

It's kind of a blueberry kind of. Can I can I bum a couple? Actually, I got to re up soon. I don't know where they are. I mean, I don't know where anything in this apartment is. I like didn't I stopped taking them because I was going, you know, it's a good one. Yeah. Yeah.

Because the dick was too good. Well, it's like I fucked up and I subscribed to the one where they send you like a bunch. And then I just had this like stockpile of dick pills. And then I unsubscribe from it because it's like, well, now I have enough to. You have enough for the next 10 years. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Yeah.

Because there's one option where you can sign up for like you get like 90 pills every 10 days. Yeah. No. Yeah. I was like, give me the max. Sure. This is a lifestyle.

Mm hmm. My lifestyle. Taking fucking dick pills. I should take some time. Anyway, they got a nice thing is that if you don't consent, they don't work. You know, exactly. Mm hmm. That's so true.

Now, the nice thing is, though, with Bluture, you do get to override what your body is telling you and get your dick on double hard, no matter what. So get those fucking sad cocks pumped full of this shit. It's basically it's the same exact shit as Viagra or fucking Cialis. It's to dial a mother to dial a fill in some other film, so let it in a film. Well, let me tell you this, though, if you'd like sex, you know, like Bluture dot com, dude, I don't like sex, get the fuck beat it. You fucking turn this podcast all in his podcast for a fucking sex liking, but you put a gun

in your shoe on some fucking iron shoe on the barrel of a fucking 45. Maybe you can borrow one of my antique Nazi memory. No, no. You don't have to bring up the nuts. You don't have that. Come on, man. I could have it. You could, but you do not, and you should not.

Yeah, but my Nazi swords. No, you don't have any of them swords. Yeah. Of course, every army is decorative military is still carry. You still got to sign the sword. Oh, yeah. I guess in that few, the proud, the Marines, he's got like a bomb. Do you know you remember that ad the old one where the sort no one no one's ever made

money. No, no, no. When the word ever made the sort up, I used to always try to do that. But my wrist wasn't dexterous enough. Do you know how he like hold the sword like right up to his shoulder with his arms straight down? Yeah, everyone can do that. I can't.

No, try to do that right now. Get a tube. I'm doing it right now. Use Nick's vacuum cleaner. Try it right now. No, because I have, because my dick is too hard to something else that sucks. What's that? Got it.

Got him. That wasn't it. That wasn't that good. Blue shirt. Excuse me. It was all right. It was fine. It was great.

Oh, yes, dude. I love doing this show. Yeah. It's the only thing. This is actually this has been a very fun one. Dude. That was good. There was some some claims made against me, which I intended to be a doctor that's high

on gas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then ending this and immediately going right back to modern warfare and then I'm going to go get a fucking working on my car for where you get a sandwich right here. No, that's good. I got a fucking spot. Otherwise, I would fucking get a little food. Yeah. We got to finish that John Claude movie, dude. The quest I had to go home and take my fucking pills, but I'm trying to watch that shit

soon. Yeah. Always be ready. That's what he says. He beats up a bunch of guys in the beach. Yeah. Always be ready. So anyway, you know, you know, hey, Papa, why don't you come here and suck my ass?

Come here and fuck. Try to use my pussy. Why don't you have a birthday party in my pussy? Papa. What does this guy say? What? What's the problem, old man? Like every John Claude movie there's somebody that's like, what are you going to do?

Beat me up with your 511, 195 pound frame and 4% by came in. Oh, what? Well, who's this guy? You think you're tough just because you're already wearing kickboxing? Maybe you should mind your own business. Yeah. Yeah. We're a gang dressed like the village people.

Sure. We're zero and 982 with weird loners who hang out at bars by themselves, but this time we're not going to all get sodomized with a pool stick by someone from Europe. Oh, that makes it even worse. And you know, you know, it'll allow you to beat a pussy up as if you were John Claude and then Craig. Let's get out of here. Remember the other guy with the ponytail that had a speech impediment?

He's like, yeah, that guy. Same guys. Yeah. That guy was different. No, it was Steven Seagal. Yeah. Yeah, bluechip.com is for if your penis is small and doesn't work. Bluechip.com is a new website for guys with small penises that don't work.

Honestly, it is. If you're a fucking loser, bluechip.com gives you the first chewable or guys with big dick. Didn't we hear from what we have some big dick pals that yeah, they use it. They have reached out and they've used it also. So any kind of dick you can use this. Mm hmm. The smallest of the small only losers are allowed. Yeah.

Adam to stop small to big. Small to, you know, respectable. It really is. It really is just cruel that your dick doesn't get fat or also. I know, bro. It's fucked up. Yeah. I should get girth.

Maybe not length. I can see that. It's not length. Length doesn't make sense. Of course not. A little girth around the edges. Girth makes one million percent. It makes so much sense.

It's really just. Even the underside. It's part of your cock that fills up with fat. It really. And you know what? Stem part. The thinner I get. Yes.

The thinner I get. The fatter. Like I get a thicker dick when I'm. Absolutely. When I'm rail thin or when I lost a lot of weight. Perspective though. No, no. No.

It's my circulation is better. Yup. Even just a little bit of exercise. That's why I have. Yeah. That's why I have a thick dick. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Because I'm thin. Stop. Do you want me to call your doctor? Come on, dude. We got him on speed. That guy's dude. He's been here the whole time, brother. I've been here the whole time.

I'm calling the. I'm calling the board. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's got. We finished the read a very thin flat dick. It looks like one of those smashed up pennies. You get on the turnpike.

Come on. That would be the funniest dick to have. No, I was going to prescribe him Viagra, but I couldn't stop laughing at his face. Apparently I found this website, Bluetooth, where the online physician consults is free. They don't laugh. So it's cheaper than the other two. It only takes a few minutes to connect with the Bluetooth.com affiliate physician. If you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.

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GUMTOWN. GUMTOWN. GUMTOWN. GUMTOWN. Let's redo Bloodsport instead of kumite. It's kumitown. Yeah. Yeah, hey.

Sounds good. Why don't you fuck my mouth? Fuckin' man the mouth. Pardon me, guy. Cowboy. My name's Frank Dukes. I came to this competition to get enough money to bring my father back to life. Okay, well, registration's right there.

I'm trying to get the win the $300. I'm the man of the corpse of my father. My adopted Japanese father. I want to bring him back to life. The only way to do that is if I win the $300. Say it! Kumite. Kumite.

Oh, fuck dude. What kind of sandwich did you get? Did you do the promo code and stuff? Yeah, motherfucker. Okay, sorry. I just wanted to make sure. Were you zoning out, bro? No.

I was listening. Were you zoning out, bro? I was zoning out, dude. I was zoning out. Black hole sun, won't you come inside my ass. Black hole sun, fill me up. I'm fuckin' gay. I'm fuckin' gay.

I'm fuckin' gay. I'm fuckin' gay. I'm fuckin' gay. I'm fuckin' gay. Damn. I gotta figure out what I'm doing for dinner and some kind of snack. What are you gonna get, bro? Let's talk dinner, dude.

I don't know. Well, I still have all that bulgogi shit. That was good. Marinating in the fucking... Oh, you still gotta marinate it. Well, I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't have time to cook it. Fuck.

I thought you were gonna cook it up. Oh, well. I had to cook some of it. I mean, I got like fucking... You didn't have a ton. I got like three pounds of beef. Also, I did the move where you get the roast and then you take it to the butcher and then have them slice it on that fucking...

Love that. Incredible thing, yeah. Incredible respect for that move. Yeah. You should get one for the house. Yeah. No. How much would that cost?

I would definitely get one of those. Any industrial equipment shit, that's just gotta cost like fucking $900. That's not that bad. On the low end. Oh, fucking blend. We have $1,000 blenders. You know what you should get? They're not $1,000.

You know what you should get? Whatever they are. I don't fucking know. It's like one of those Hobart dough mixers. It's like one of those stand mixers except it's probably seven times the size. Oh, like a kitchen. Like the size of a TV. Oh, wow.

I'm not a baker, bro, but it's slicing meats thin. That's my shit. Mm-hmm. I like them extra thin. Yeah. Would you give yourself a little sample? Like you're at the deli counter? Of course I would.

Are you out of your mind? Is this thin? I would hold it up. And I would run around real quick. Yeah. You'd hold it up to the light to make sure... No, I would have a mannequin hand. Oh, nice.

So I could hold it in that one around. Yeah, I got that shit sliced real thin. It was good as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It soaks up all the jus sois. $900 is pretty reasonable, dude. Yeah. I got to get a new Vitamix container.

I got the cups, which are great. It stays on clean. I got to get the cups. Don't tell Adam about the cups. Make sure Adam doesn't find out. I'm not going to let him know about it. You just said it. We'll be right...

No, don't worry. We're just talking about something else. We'll be right back after these correct messages. Are you gay? Is your name Adam? Well, you'll love. Not getting the Vitamix. Not getting the Vitamix.

And we're back. That was a good commercial. Wasn't that a good commercial? I love Super Bowl commercials. I think that was a Super Bowl commercial. That was a really good commercial. And flying over the stadium now is a man saying, Jane, will you marry me? Adam is gay.

Progressive insurance. We're here at the Super Bowl sponsored by Adam's not allowed to get the Vitamix cups. Very funny. America's number one company. America's leading employer. How would you work at that? How would you work at that? I think it's funny.

The most profitable company in the history of Warren Buffett has moved 96% of his portfolio. Well, he's an idiot. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He sucks at business. I fucking hate him, dude. He's a fucking loser. I hate him. He's scum.

He's scum of the earth. He sucks. He's the worst of all of them. Really? The fucking worst of all of them. I hate him, dude. He gets a pass. He can suck my dick.

Because he says he's going to give his money away. Well, that and everybody. And he bought this. He didn't buy a new house. Every Midwestern fucking retard buys into that shit because he confirms something they think of themselves, which is like, oh, I got values. I say thank you. And I say please and thank you.

I'm never sneezed. You know, and it's like, it's all about value investing. Meanwhile, he's like, you know, like investing in his position and yeah, trailer parks increasing his position in Coca-Cola while they're fucking murdering. Yeah. And then he was doing like, you know, I mean, I'm bitch about it before, but the, you know, like he bought a shit ton more like Delta stock or like I thought it was Boeing. No, he doesn't hold any Boeing, but he bought more airline stock right before that Boeing

accident happened. And then Warren Buffett was like, there's, you know, they have a lot of good people over there working around the clock to make sure this is an issue and I don't know if you followed the coverage on it, but more and more it comes out that like Boeing just sat on this. Yeah. They waited you. There's people that get like, we cannot, these planes are fucking going to kill somebody and they fucking just sat on it.

Of course. Until there was two, two huge fucking, two is wild. Yeah. Like, let's let it, after one, they're like, let's let it ride. Yeah. Yeah. He can suck my heart penis, honestly. Yeah.

Yeah. Warren Buffett. He can suck anything, but it would be cool if maybe a Navajo tribe. That's right. Yeah. Did a little something. He rode through on some wild horses. That's right.

Yeah. Hopefully that's vague enough. It's not a direct threat or suggestion of anything. No, if anything, it's pretty racist. Yeah. They're like, it could be seen as just an insult in Americans. Yeah. So it's the perfect cover for telling me to kill Warren Buffett.

A couple of Navajos. Those savages. Ride bareback. If you know what I mean. They rape him. I think the cream pie. I'm going to kill him. That would be funny.

Honestly. Let's be honest. Yeah. From a pure comedy perspective and not a wanting it to happen perspective. He's not the worst one. He's getting as many be me here doing it can't crash for a dog hitler. Oh. Did he?

Does he like Hitler? No. He's a Trump guy. Yeah. That's cool. In 2012, everyone's like, Oh, baby, dude, can't crush for me. I love baby. And then in 2016, I'm like, fucking Nazi retard, you fucking racist retard.

He just likes the cult of personality. He does. He's like Obama. Oh, hell yeah. See, he went Obama to Trump, which I think is very tell me that's a great baby. This is Barack Obama asking for a can crush. What if that happened? That would be incredible.

It would be like this video proves that Obama is lit swerve. No, Obama's doing like fucking Buzzfeed videos about health care. Dude, that Daily Show Hillary Clinton thing is so fucking annoying. It really is, man. It is. It's really insane. It's like no one is like they are straight. I'm going to get away with murdering Epstein.

Yeah. And like the thing is, I bet you when we talked about like when we go, if you talk to regular ass motherfuckers, they probably don't think he was murdered, dude. They probably believe this shit. Like Biden is like winning. You know what I mean? Those people think I don't think Biden's winning anymore, but what I'm saying is like, even if he's not 20% or whatever people polled, think Biden should be and you know, whatever.

Those motherfuckers don't think Epstein was killed. You know what I'm saying? Do you see that guy on Fox News with the military dog guy rock that guy rocked. It's funny what it's funny, the coalition that Epstein being murdered has brought together, dude. Just a bunch of fucking. It's honestly, it's beautiful to see it, you know, awesome guys would have like thin blue line.

Yeah. Stickers and shit like that. Yeah. They all know it. Dude, that video is so good. The guy with the dog. Something. Yeah.

Somebody did something. Yeah. That's so true. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. No, I know that. I saw that video.

Yeah. No, I know. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was saying the other day about that. Oh, stop. That's a tough one. You're poisoning yourself.

I had to do it for the fans. It's been a while, dude. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. No.

No. That's a tough one, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No.

No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do this bit until Adam joins it and then stop. I'm not going to. I've played this game before.

Oh, have you? Mm-hmm. Checkmate. Checkmate. Checkmate. Oh, my eyes are burning. Checkmate. The cat is wrecking me right now.

Really? Yeah, I think I might get rid of the cat. What are you going to do with it? Just throw it outside. I don't know. Who gives a shit? That's a good ass point, bro. Just toss this motherfucker out the window one day.

Be like, where's the cat? What cat? What are you talking about? It's just waiting outside. I'm still feeding it. It just loves outside. You're kissing it? Yeah.

Come here. Oh, yeah. You came right to the master. Of course. The cat loves me. Cats don't do that. That easy. That's a good old affection.

There you go. Grab that motherfucker. That's how the mother grabs it. Get back up there. Come on. Lay on daddy's penis. Yeah. Look, the cat's hugging me.

Look, it's hugging me. Look, the cat's hugging me. Michael, let it go. It's hugging me back. It's hugging me back, everyone. Michael, please let Mrs. Firestein's cat go, please. I need this job, Michael. I shouldn't have put on you.

Security guard's got an L for his rank gun. If I could point it at him. I'm sorry, Deborah. We really liked your resume and we could really use a house cleaner. But your son, Michael, I mean, in other circumstances, if he hadn't have killed our cat, we could have made an exception. But you know, what's he going to do next? Is he going to be here the entire time you're cleaning?

Because so far he's made more of a mess than you're doing. Driving back home. Mama, are you mad at me? No, Michael. I'm not mad at you. She's just fucking of mice and men's zoo. Now stay in the car. We're leaving it in the garage.

We're going to let it run for a while and play your favorite songs. We're going to put it on the raffi tape. I want you to listen to raffi. We're just going to sit here for a while. We're going to sit here and listen to raffi. Who's raffi? The wheels on the bus. Baby beluga, dude.

I didn't know. You don't remember? Baby beluga. I don't. Her adult down syndrome son. Because he's ruined yet another job application by hugging a cat. Look, mommy, he's hugging me back. Oh, fuck my cheeks.

Let me see your pussy. Let me see your pussy. Let me see. Sucking dick and eating ass. Having gay sex at Stonewall. Those were the days. Oh, fuck, all right. Unprotected sex before age.

That really was a golden era, dude. Yeah, the late 1970s. No, it was earlier. Leather daddy getting fucked. Neon clubs and ecstasy. My dick is small. Hey, folks, I want to let you know, if you're listening to this right now today, go to the stress factory in New Brunswick and then come see me.

Do you stand up there? Wednesday, the 6th, which is today, I think. How about New Brunswick? Yeah, you picture, blow your bare ass out when the cops put you. I thought this was New Brunswick. I'm going to do that. I thought this was New Brunswick, brother. Yeah.

Sorry, I was looking for my phone. Sorry, my phone fell under the seat. Now my pants done come down. Well, I wouldn't look for it, but, you know, I'll pick them back up, but I'm getting off and like, no, it stops. I'll put them back up. Yeah, no, I'll pick them up. I'm going to get off in an hour and a half.

Yeah, I'm going to be going in. Yeah, I'm basically getting off. I'm basically getting off of Philly, basically Richmond, Virginia. So I'm just going to just keep my pants down. The next stop. So please stop. No, I mean, my next stop is my shit. So I mean, my pants get damp.

You know, I mean, look, hey, look, my penis is in between my legs. My legs is sitting next to each other unless you're looking over my shit. You ain't seen my fucking penis. So somebody wants to complain. Maybe they should stop looking at my fucking penis. He's hard as shit the whole time. Completely torqued. Barely poking up between the legs.

Yeah, you just see the curvature of the head pop over. Yeah, yeah. Over the thigh, wink at you. How do you know something on my phone? It might be my phone. I was looking for it earlier, as I said. Yeah, come to nude Bunswick on Wednesday, the 6th or Lafayette, Louisiana, the 11th, the 8th, I'm sorry, New Orleans, the 9th.

Fuck it. Let me speak to the air marshal then. Share me the air marshal. Gigi got it gone. Can you put it in my mouth? I'm not speaking. Are you a police officer? Then fuck off.

Unless you were ready to show up, request a uniformed officer. Unless you were ready to request a uniformed officer. I don't have to pay for these fucking pretzels either. No, they're not fucking comfortable. Put your penis away, sir. Please. Yeah, I'm getting off soon. I'm getting my next stops, my stops.

So I'll put my penis away right around that, Tom. Just keep putting his hands on the girl next to him, Ty. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was my fucking penis. Sorry. I thought that was my penis. My bad. We can switch.

So if you want to put your hand on my penis. They just drag him out fucking like a Cambodian doctor. Before this dick fucking hitting everyone on the knees on the way out. Yeah, let me go. This is my stop anyways. I'm good. Just let me go. Let me go.

We'll call it square. This is my fucking stop. We'll call it square. We're still in JFK. We're still in JFK. I haven't left. He immediately pulls his cock out the second he fucking sits down. It's just audibly excellent.

Like not even in the air, dude. He's got his cock. Sweatpants pulled to his ankles, Eagles like beanie on with a little like snowball on top. Respect to that man. Yeah, just red mutton chops. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Bad guy.

Yep. Red mutton chops, Eagles beanie with the what is it? What is this called? Like a palm? Yeah, I know you're saying. Yeah, palm. Cool poof. Yeah.

But I'm not planning on with a classic rock shirt. Air Force ones. Just filthy Air Force ones. Fuck. All right, folks. Well, see me at the stress factory in Connecticut on the 21st, Atlanta, the 23rd Nashville, the 24th Baltimore, the 29th and 30th and then Houston on the third motherfucking team. Dot biz slash tour. Like I said, Lafayette, New Orleans stress factory this week, come

out to those and then come out to funny moms on the 11th veterans day. Yeah. All the money's going to the first responders, the troops, guys, the fucking guys that got head over in Iraq. And then on the 12th and every Tuesday after that at 8pm, come to fat Tuesdays at the stand. We're starting back up again, took a little break. We'll be in the main room. Very good lineup for that motherfucker. Got Sam Real, Mark Norman, Jess Curison, some other folks come on through and come get your little fucking prick a door sucked. Stobby dot biz slash tour for all that shit. Gay dot sex for Adams personal website and email and my dick is small dot Nick. Mullen. That's not my mother slash small penis for Nick's

stuff. All right, I'm going to go get a sandwich, everyone. Maybe some kind of bowl actually because I can't really bite down on hard bread. I just thought of that fuck. You can't get a bowl from the deli. I know. Fucked. Maybe I'll just have a fucking. Yeah, maybe you should eat penis. I ain't crying, by the way. Oh, damn. I'll just remember. I got butter, tasty crumpets at home. Oh my God. Never mind. Fuck y'all. Y'all gay. I'm gonna take my little ass dick home. Fuck y'all. Y'all gay. All right, everybody. Fuck y'all. Y'all gay.