The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 184 – new gear

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

we heard your complaints, and we ignored them

Check, check my penis, it's a little, a little small. Alright, it should be recording now, and if it isn't, who boy? That's going to be a pain in the ass in an hour, when we go to... How do I sound? Do I sound better now, or...? You sound good. Yeah. Can you make my voice sound a little manlier? No.

No, there's no way to do that. There should be the technology. Wait, hold on, Nick's trying it, but the machine is smoking. Yeah. And vibrating. That's, that's rare. It's smoking cigarettes, and telling you to shut up. How do I sound? Do I sound good?

Yeah. You sound normal. You sound normal. Nice. But people, people were complaining when you were doing it that I was too quiet. What? That's, I think that's because you would move your mouth. No, it's no silence. You were trying to silence me.

Yeah, right. He was trying to take his, his voice away from me. I would never. You were trying to silence his story. I would absolutely never try. Anyways, we got new gear so we can do this. I'm used to that noise. No, you're not.

No, you're not, bitch. Yeah. No, you're not. We spent $6,000. We need a wrong. We need a wrong. And a buzz. Eh.

You're digging. Silence. We got that one. That was fun. Oh, I like that. The money. What do you like it, Adam? Cause it reminds me of my favorite thing.

Money. Money. What about what we need is the, the. Beep, beep, beep. Yeah. The money. That's good. I like that.

But we need the, we need the Scarface style. So this is what the podcast is. Yeah. We're going to be doing a lot of sound. It's going to be a lot of, a lot of sound, sound pad style comedy. I love it. Why, we got to get the Arnold, the fucking Arnold.

I'm a copy with you from e-bombs world. You know, the classic. The classic. I have case. Sex. You idiot. Just prank. Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Just prank calling your teacher. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I guess it's so good. I don't know. Now I'm too loud. I'm sorry. Am I quiet?

I feel quiet. I feel quiet. But maybe it's because I'm wearing headphones. Yeah. I mean, I feel quiet. Everybody feels quiet, but we can do this. How's that? Is that better?

Turn the headphones up. Oh yeah. Turn my headphones up. I still feels. Oh, wait, maybe. Yeah. There you go. Turn my headphones up.

You feel better now? Turn my head. You still sound louder than us. Me? That's fine. Yeah. It's fine. It doesn't matter.

Is that better? You're the star, Nick. No, I'm just trying to figure out. No, you're the star. Everyone wrote in and they said, please buy more gear and figure out how to use it. On the podcast. It is.

It is amazing. Figure it out on your own. It's so funny because like everyone's, I mean, it is like the people like the show. I like the criticism of like, Nick makes fun of the people that he hates because they remind them of themselves and it's like, yes, but also you and you're doing that right now.

Yeah. And we're all the same guy. That's right. And because like I didn't like this only has four headphone outputs, but you can put six microphones in it. Oh, so I wanted it. They make a thing. A splitter.

Not a splitter because it's got to be powered. Otherwise the signal like volume will drop off and everyone's like, I'm too quiet, but like a thing with different, but you know, it's so people can adjust their volume or whatever if they want. And then they won't make one for four, but if you want one with six outputs for a headphones,

you need to get something that's like rack sized, which is like it adds way too much fucking equipment. Of course. Without, you know, because already you're losing that makes so much sense. So I just wanted something that's got like a four output. So I posted on Twitter. I was like, anybody that knows audio stuff,

help me out. Not a single person, not a single person that replied. Really? Yeah. I talked to like 15 different people and then like half of them are like, oh, here's what you need. And it's like, this is so far beyond even what I am. This is not even close to being the right thing.

I'm on my school's podcast team. Dude, that, oh my God. The r slash pie. That's how I got there. Because I was looking for like a solution to this problem. You were on the board. I was on the, I was on the, the, the websites. Freaking message boards, dude.

Yeah. And I went on there to that. How does that sound better? Yeah. Yeah. It sounds good, dude. Yeah. Turn everybody, everybody's headphones up.

Turn us the fuck up. Turn me the fuck up, you motherfucker. Maybe that's the answer is just louder headphones. Yeah. Have you guys at home think of thought of getting louder headphones? Yeah. You fucking idiot.

You fucking broke ass bitches. These poppers. People talk, they're like, I have to turn the volume up whenever I go to listen to the podcast. It's like, okay. We, oh, sorry. You had to press a button. Fuck you.

Suck our fucking hogs. Yeah. That's why the phone has volume controls. Idiot. You fucking stupid bitch. And yeah, our shit's quiet. It's cause it's subtle. It's subtle, man.

It's like, it's like, you know, like the kind of jazz they listen to at Princeton. That's right. You know what I'm saying? But I'm, but I'm, but I'm, but I'm, but I'm, but I'm, but I'm just, I can't, I can't wait for it to be the 20s. Dude, I'm going to finally get into this joke when we first of all, we talked about getting sucked off by flappers.

Yeah. We, I made the joke probably actually a decade ago before it was even close. You made the joke 10 years ago and then I brought it up again. I'm supposed to know that I brought it up again. We've made the joke on the show. I remember saying I never had from a flapper. I remember that the joke.

Never, I just said I want to get into jazz finally. The joke never had a home in standup cause it's fucking dumb. Yeah. It's a throwaway for a podcast. Silence. That really does hurt. Oh fuck.

The silence button is good. All right. Well, what do you want me to say? Well, I won't get into jazz. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Maestro.

Silence, silence, silence. We can do one for you too. There's no way to do it while we're already doing the podcast. Okay, we'll do it later. Actually, I could because this thing is so versatile. I could pause the recording. No, don't record it real quick.

Come back and I could throw you on the sound panel. I appreciate that. You can get your own silence. We'll do it next time. My dad just called me and I texted him. I said, I'm recording. Silence. He said, say hi to, he said, say hi to Rasputin for me.

Oh, wow. Because he thinks Nick looks like Rasputin with his beard. Oh, shit. He's trying to do a burn. He's trying to burn the boy. Yeah, whatever. Rasputin's dick is in a museum. That's true.

He does have a big ass dick. So, I mean, maybe it wasn't a burn. Maybe it was a compliment. I'm going to have my regular dick put in a museum. Just a little ass dick in a museum. Yeah, just a regular dick. Soft little dick. Why is this guy's dick in a museum?

They're like, I don't know. That's what he wanted. He paid for it. Yeah, he paid for it. Every rich person. He made billions of dollars. Every rich person. He said he was in a band.

She just said, he said he would fund the entire museum, but we had to put his dick next to a bunch of Picasso. Yeah, that's going to be the Halkus collection. Sounds like only women laughing really. Oh, man, I don't like that noise. That's like a nightmare of being naked and then a room full of women laughing at me or something. That's sound when Adam's penis comes out.

This is Adam's nightmare. It's normal. It's normal. No, it's not normal. Your dick is small. Yeah, so we're just going to have robots. We're going to automate the entire thing. I can't wait, dude.

I can't wait. We're going to record all different kinds of setups. That's fun. And then you have an algorithm control the show. And it's just like, I'm pissed off. You mean to tell me that Iranian guy, Child porn museum. Just have like 12 different kinds of my laughs. Yeah.

Then Adam being like, I thought it would be funny if Iranian guy, Child porn museum. I just said that. Dude, that would be an awesome show that I would listen to. Yeah. And it's called where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Because you got to always go with the copyright violations. Of course. Did they ever show?

Detectives. Her pussy? Well, yeah. Not exactly her pussy, but her shape, her physique. Because I bet she was hot. She had a red coat. I mean, she was already hot with the whole. I bet she had a good.

She was already hot, dude. I bet she had good pussy under that red coat. Carmen Sandiego is one of those girls that was like, I'm dating a 65 year old when she was 19. Yeah. Because she's old. She's an old soul. Yeah.

He restores studs, bear cats in his barn. My 65 year old boyfriend. He's a professor at the community college. And he's taking me on a date to niece. Damn, I'm trying to look at her right now. She's fired, dude. She was hot on the computer game. She was hot on the TV show.

They had a TV show. It was like a game show for kids. Carmen Sandiego. Yeah. Yeah. The computer game. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they got her all in cartoon.

Let me look up Carmen Sandiego porn. Oh, okay. It's still mostly computers that they've rendered to be sucking dick and shit. I was kind of hoping. Okay, fuck. Yeah, this is good stuff. I was hoping for a real person. For example, one time I saw a Gilligan's Island pornography with Gianna Michaels as ginger.

Yeah. And let's just say I beat off to that. Let's just say I masturbated. Let's just say I cranked my little prick. If you catch my drift. She was always like one of the hardest working pornography. Absolutely, bro. Who?

Carmen Sandiego? Carmen Sandiego. Gianna Michaels. Yeah. Gianna Sandi Michaels. Gianna Sandi Michaels. Yeah, is that what her name is? Yeah.

Yeah. As you're jacking off, you're getting her name wrong to own her. Yeah, that is her name. Gotcha. That is her phone. She just had gusto, you know? Absolutely, dude. Yeah.

And some big ass, bouncy ass titties. And a big old, big old dumper. Absolutely. Big old pooper. Yeah. That I'd love her to just take her crap all over. You stole that. Gianna Michaels to take her shit off me.

I saw that on a porn hub comic. I can assure you that was definitely on a porn hub comic. I stole that one. Yeah. Silence. Ah, fuck. Yeah, boys. So how was Thanksgiving for everybody, man?

It was good, I think. No drama. Thanksgiving is a perfect time for some sexual healing with the family. I fucked my parents. My name is Marcus and I love Thanksgiving and incest. There's two things I love. It's cutting up that bird and cutting up my sister. You guys are going to make fun of me for saying this, but incest is definitely up next.

Incest is on next shirt. Isn't pedophilia. No, I think incest is next. In what sense? You think people are going to start fucking? Yeah. I think people are going to start coming out as as incestual. The advocates.

Just top. Just based on like how like 10 things to watch brother and stepfather is like the top. It's not incest, bro. You're not blood related. No, but why are people watching that? Because they're not blood related because of the technicality. No, I feel like I can only think I think we jack off to that because these people are definitely step siblings.

The only things left are a bestiality incest and pedophilia. I just watched incest is up next. I watched who took Johnny last night. Yeah, one about about some kid in fucking Iowa. Yeah. Which, you know, honestly, the Midwest kind of deserves to have that happen. Now that I think about rape, all the yeah, all the obscene stuff. It's like as long as they're like abducting children from the Midwest.

Hmm. I don't really have a problem. You know, I'm still elite. Nick. You know, yeah, he has his pinky raised as he's holding his microphone. You know, it's like you're saying, oh, well, Bill Clinton, he's got a private island. He's raping children on. It's like, yeah, but it's some fucking some boy from Iowa.

So fucking corn farmer. Right. Who the hell cares about him? Yeah, dude. What the hell was he going to do? Get into craft beer? Yeah. That would be his entire life.

That's best case scenario. Best case scenario. Craft beer guy. He's a guy that's like, yeah, I actually know what hops are. Seven more types of beer than Budweiser and Miller. I'm actually a beer guy. I'm in the Game of Thrones and beer and my entire state is a giant lens crafters. It's like, well, yeah, maybe, maybe, yeah, we should, we should be feeding.

Because, you know, they feed the rest of the country and part of the food that's needed is children. Children's ass. Yeah. In a way, they're they're really America's real farmers. You know what I mean? The babies that get fucked. Especially the bread basket of America.

I eat nothing but Chinese food. So none of my food, I don't need, I don't need the Midwest for that. True. I need to satisfy my elites cravings for boys. So that they give me the health care that I need in a very slow, incremental way. Look, I'm not, it's not my first choice. But if we have to let Bill Clinton and his recently back the life friend Jeffrey Epstein molest boys from Iowa, so that we can just get the legislation on the table.

Yeah. You know, you don't even want to pass. You just want it on the table. Because that's how it's a process. You crack some eggs to make omelet. Yeah. Thousands of boys from Des Moines need to be abducted on the paper route. Just so maybe in 25 years we can talk about, you know, me getting like some kind of deal

on aspirin. So you get elective sex changes every six months. Wait, what do you mean elective sex changes as opposed to mandatory sex change? No, he's just emphasizing the fact that they're elective. I guess Nick would do it to flex. Yeah. As a flex. Well, I would get, I would get wheels like the black dude from Twisted Metal.

That would be so sick. Axl. That'd be awesome. Okay. I think they're all just like scary cars. And one guy's like, I'm black. I'm black and I have wheels on my feet. I'm a car this black man.

I would put my, I would change my balls for wheels. And that way I could just roll into pussy. Like imagine me on my belly. Hands free. Hands free. But with my balls there's the wheel and my dick is coming out. Yeah. And it could do the thrusting for you.

Exactly. Yeah. So I would just go back and forth instead of having a thrust in my head. It's the laziest way. Get the fucking gears stuck in your pussy hair. What's that? I said what it is. So what's up?

That's right. The army. That would be awesome. Yeah. I would love to have big wheels instead of balls. Johnny Janitals. Johnny. We took Johnny's Janitals.

But yeah, one of the guys from the Franklin conspiracy, one of the child victims like fucking contacted the family. He's like, oh yeah, I helped abduct that boy. Damn. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, we brought him to this house in Colorado. He's like, I can show you. And they go out to the house in Colorado and he's like, yeah, here's the dungeon.

And there's like children's names carved into the wall. Jesus Christ. And the FBI is like, it wasn't credible evidence. They never spoke to the guy Paul that said, the guy who said, I helped kidnap this kid. They never interviewed him. They were like, what we did is we went to Omaha and we spoke to his sister who said that he was probably there at the time. So that's nothing more we could do.

We already looked into it. And with all due respect, let us do our jobs. Yeah. Let us do police work. We're catching Muslims. So the story is there was a kid in Iowa who was abducted on his paper route. And then there was no, this was 1982. Yeah.

And like they say it in the documentary, but like, you know, like this, the mother of the kid, she's like, this guy contacted me. He's like a professor at fucking some sociologist. He's like, I study like pedophiles or whatever. And she's like, what's a pedophile? And then like no one knew. Like the police chief was like, I don't know what a pedophile is. What?

Yeah. They just didn't know. It was that's how fucking like people didn't know dude. The thing where like even child pornography was like, you know, it was like somebody that had a collection of like esoteric art would be like, it's pornography, but there's children in it. Isn't that weird? You know, they'd be like, look at this clock I found that goes backwards.

What do you mean they didn't know what pedophiles were? They just didn't know. It's because the elites were so good at keeping it secret in back in those days. People have been fucking kids from the dawn of man. I know, but they thought it was a thing that was just like sort of eradicated, you know, but like, yeah, nobody knew or whatever. And, and then that was, you know, John Walsh, his son was beheaded and abducted or whatever. And then he started the National Center for missing and exploited children and got that

TV show out of that. That's right. But yeah, big career come up for him, dude. Yeah. So one of the best things to happen for his career. The crazy is the craziest part about the documentary is like somebody sent the woman pictures of his, her son tied up in like bound and gagged as like a 13 year old with other pictures of other boys that she found like they was traced to some child pornography website.

So she handed that information over to the FBI and they're like, yeah, we looked into it. It's from a different case in Florida. And then so like case closed, that's not her son. And then they went and interviewed the detective that like, you know, supplied them with that information. He's like, Oh yeah, no, what I told him is these three boys are from the case. This other one, I never identified the picture.

And it's like the picture that she said is her son. So like they're just like the FBI is like, look, we listen, listen, we got some calls. The boss is all in our asses. Yeah. His friends that fuck kids are kind of yeah, it's great too. This is the scene where they're like, after requesting an interview with the FBI for months, they finally granted us an interview. But we're said we'd like with the caveat, you're not allowed to, you know, if you ask about

Johnny gosh, we're not talking about it or whatever. And so the first question the guy asks is like, what can you tell me about Johnny gosh? And they were like, we're not answering that question. But the guy the FBI sends is like, you've never seen somebody looks like more of a pedophile. Like one of those guys that can grow like a really thick mustache, but has it buzzed all the way. Yeah. But full coverage, not like not doing a cool slick pencil look, but just a full coverage

Ned Flanders, you know, high and tight. And then wearing like shirt collars that are too tight, just all like bumpy and red. Yep. Around. Yeah. I'm not answering that question. Sorry, not answering that. The reading heavily through his nose thinking about boys holes.

Yeah. I like what can I say like a tight fit, like a tight mustache, tight collar, tight fit, tight fit on my cock. Tight boy fit. I'm not answering anyone. I'm not answering a question. So you actually, I didn't mean to say that last part. I was quoting one of the suspects I'm looking into.

But as you look, you got to get into the criminals mind in this job. You know, have you seen the movie? Have you seen the movie black hat? That's basically my role here, except instead of hacking, it's molesting boys. Have you seen cruising? Yeah. I haven't seen cruising stuff hasn't seen it. Someone actually DM me and said we should do an episode where we show stuff cruising

and we don't tell him what it's about. I think I know what it's about. There's an albino being gay. Right. It's literally it's called cruising. Guess what it's about. No, he's a cop. So he has to be gay to solve them to find a gay sex.

There's a serial killer. There's a scene where he's in a gay club and like they give him a rag. I guess it's like how people used to do poppers or whatever and he sniffs it. And then he starts dancing super hard to the music and it's incredible. Yeah. It's funny because like the premise of the movie is like kind of like a horror movie, I guess, or drama. There's a guy going around killing gay guys.

So he has to become he has to go undercover as a gay guy. But it's like New York in like the 19 early 1980s or whatever. So like the reality is like scarier than that movie, which is like somebody's like, chief, somebody's going around killing gay guys. Then they go, oh, case closed. Yeah. And that's the end of the movie. Right.

Right. And then they just don't. They just let all this go. The cops like, good. Yeah, good. It's fucking hilarious. What's this? It's Friedkin who did the exorcist.

Friedkin? He did the exorcist. He did Rosemary's Baby. He did the silence of the lambs. No. No. He did the Now you're confusing me.

That's all. Yeah. He did all those. Gladiator. Gladiator. Silence of the wolves. But for the gay club dances with wolves for the gay club, they got Silence of the wolves would be a cool movie where there's a guy going around murdering

trans people. Like he's going around killing Buffalo Bills. And then they have to consult a brilliant, but insane doctor who shoves people up his ass. And it's the opposite of Silence of the Lambs. I see. Dr. Hannibal Rectum. The opposite of being a cannibal is putting people in your ass.

Yeah. Dr. Lecter, what can you tell me about, you know, he's like, well, Clarice, I had a nice glass, poured a glass of Keonti up my ass. And then I shoved our good friend Arthur up my ass. Yeah. But they got just, just him like walking out of that, that middle of where he escapes in the middle of the movie. And he's just a police officer with someone's legs coming out of their ass.

And he just walks out. Are we kicking the legs? So he's just walking out with the rest of the police officers. Dr. Hannibal Rectum. They call him the opposite of Hannibal Rectum. Dr. Opposite. That is, yep. They're like, wow, that's pretty.

Silence of the Wolves. A pretty literal opposite to eating people, I guess, technically is putting them in your ass. Yeah. Yeah. Basically my idea for the movie is you've all heard of Silence of the Lambs. Well, we've done plenty of spin-offs and they've all been failures. And I think the problem is, is that you need to hit the notes that were popular with the

original movie, but you gotta invert it. So it's called the Silence of the Wolves. Yes. And now it's insane SJW, part of my language, cunts, going around getting guys like Buffalo Bill fired. And this is before he was a murderer. So we're seeing, it gives him humanity because we're seeing, okay, well, this guy wants to kill bitches, throw him in a hole, wear their clothes, where the skin is closed.

Why are they doing that? Well, it's because some fucking busybody, Chattie Cathy, started talking about he, you know, tried to grab my tits on social media. And then boom, guess who's not working at the Discovery Channel anymore. Guess who's no longer a janitor at the Discovery. Yeah. And also we're going to have Anthony Hopkins put people in his ass also. Anthony Hopkins is coming back.

Gotta get it. Yeah. It doesn't make sense that he's Hannibal Lecter yet because it's, you know, the past. It's before the movie. He said he's going to be older. So Anthony Hopkins plays a younger version of himself and he's being inspired to be Hannibal the Cannibal, but because there's a guy named Hannibal Rectum that's shoving people in his ass.

So to be clear. Anthony Hopkins plays him too. And he also plays a very young version of himself from the first movie. You get the de-aging technology for that. Right. And I'll just give him a big lollipop. I thought Clarice, the boy version of Agent Starling could be played by my friend Mike. Yeah.

He'd been doing some sketches on YouTube for like six or seven years. My friend Mike, he's got a Twitch channel, but he got kicked off for saying that he would split door the explorer like a banana. He would peel that bitch, which, you know, obvious, I'm sure it sounds insane to you. You know, I mean, A, you don't even know her age. B, she's a fucking cartoon. Those are the two problems he has with it. So yeah, silence or the wolves.

So anyway, silence or the wolves. No, I don't. I was waiting for you to give me the money before I wrote the screenplay. Oh, you want me to work for free? Fuck you. I'm getting out of here. Fuck you. I'm on the phone, bitch.

Fuck you, bitch. I'm on the fucking phone, bitch. You owe me money for you hearing that idea. Yeah. If you steal my idea, I swear to God, if I find out that you're doing any kind of sequel or anything, it was my idea to do a fucking sequel. You came anywhere close to the idea of doing anything silent, if a movie called Silence comes out, if a movie about lambs comes out, if something with of in the title comes out.

If Anthony Hopkins is ever in another movie, yeah. We are going to have capital P problems. Oh, yeah. Nice. Nice. Silence or the wolves. That puts a nice cap on it. Nice bow on it.

Oh, fuck. That's loud in the phone. Maybe that is why people are mad about having to turn up the volume. Yeah. I guess we've never listened to the show before. Honestly, no. We should get a brown sound on the sound board so we can make people shit their pants. Is that real?

Yeah. Well, I can put it. We can go wild, dude. Okay. I can get a whole bunch of stuff. Is there a brown, so there's a sound that if I listen to, I will shit my pants. I think it's like a frequency. It was something the U.S. Navy was trying.

That's pretty cool. The brown sound. Yeah. That's how rock and roll started. They basically had, that was the 50s was the last decade of dumb people being allowed to invent things. And somehow use LSD every time. Yeah. Once the information age and the technology, technobomb visual revolution happened.

You got it. You can't get away with being like, oh, I'm going to invent this thing because now you have to know how a computer works or programming and stuff. But 100 years ago, you could be like, wow, how about a gun that fires condoms? But the condoms have AIDS in it. And it gives people AIDS in their dick. So I need $80 million, which is like $90 million in today's money. Oh yeah.

That's how inflation works. Just add 10. Yeah. Well, 10%. Yeah. It goes up 10% every 100 years. So, $80 million, $90 million. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what it was like before technoblogicals. Nobody knows that. Nobody could say that word. The Navy probably did try and technology. It feels like there should be no syllable in there. Technological. Technological.

Now that's too many. I want the C in there. Technologic. Technology. Just say it. The technology information age or whatever. The technology. Technology.

Technology. Now you're dialing my numbers. Now you're calling me on the phone. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You're playing with my balls. Oh yeah. Now you're putting my balls in your ass and mouth in that order. Just fucking, just ordering a sandwich. You're chopped me like, yeah, let me get some of the. Yeah, let me. Oh, yeah, the ruggola and the red onions. Now you're sucking my balls. You got my balls in your mouth. Yeah, you're sucking on my balls. What is it? Manuela. Yeah. Now we're fucking your pussy. Oh, yeah, bacon, bacon crumbles. Yeah, put a little bacon crumbles on there. We're in the business.

Now you're sucking the nut out of my balls. I'm sucking my cock. I'm in the business of getting my dick sucked and chopped. Yes. Yes. I'll tell you what. That is correct. I'll tell you what, brother. If you got, if you tell me what, if you're going to chopped, you're going to need a wallet. Oh yeah. They don't give you shit for free over there. You are going to need to have a wallet to wear. And if you don't get a wallet, then you're going to, you're going to have big problems. Okay. What do you do to your voice? I like it. Hey, listen, if you're deaf and you trying to get a wallet, if you're trying to get a wallet and you're deaf, you just, you just deaf out there. Oh, that's good. You got it.

You just deaf. You just a deaf motherfucker. You want a wallet? You want a wallet to wear for that ass? You better get, go to RidgeWallet.com. Go to RidgeWallet.com. But it's not for that ass. It's for that front pocket. It's for your ass. It's for deaf motherfuckers and trying to get a motherfucking wallet. I think it could be for people that aren't deaf also. If you're regular, don't buy this fucking wallet. Get your hands off the motherfucking wallet. Now, please buy it even if you are a regular RidgeWallet offers. Well, I think deaf people are regular to RidgeWallet. They offer. You don't have to be political about this, Adam. Well, I'm just trying to make the deaf people that are listening to the podcast feel okay.

RidgeWallet.com offers wallets, shirts, hoodies, guns, pussy pockets, pussy pockets. Yeah, instead of, yeah, everybody's talking about pocket pussies. How about pussy pockets? Pussy pockets. They just, they go into your regular pockets in your coat. Yeah. I like that. You got a little pussy in there. You got a pussy in your pocket. You just go to a nice restaurant, excuse yourself and go into the coat room. And you're just aligning. Yeah, just like the whole closet's shaking. People are like, what's going on in there? And it's like that guy's, he went to RidgeWallet.com. You pull your phone out of your pussy pocket. It's dripping wet. Oh yeah, because they're always wet. Oh yeah, they love that because

I keep them. I keep them wet. I can't wait to have sex for the first time. So yeah, they got wallets. They got pussies. They got backpacks. Backpacks. Yeah, the backpacks are slick. They're pretty slick. I saw them. Let me tell you, they want to send one of them over. Shut up. If you guys listen to this show, you know the story already. I had a wallet. I need a new backpack. You know, my wallet got overstuffed with my Cabela's card. That's right. My Ricky's ammunition. My Johnny's guns for veterans. My first responder card. Oh yeah. My 9-11 museum honorary, my coasters from the 9-11 museum. That's right. Friends of the 9-11. A higher set of 9-11 coasters. Yeah. My piece of my body armor from Iraq. That's right.

Which is also just another condom. That's what I call my tactical body armor. My tactical gear. When you're doing a deep insertion into some Fallouge. Fallouge, Pooge. You need tactical body armor. Anyways, my old wallet got fucked up and it was one of those big, you know, big time. What kind of wallet you got? I have a Ridge Wallet phone case. Oh, there you go. You could also do that. You put your cards in. You put your cards in. I like my saddle leather phone case, so I'm going to stick with that. I'm going to keep that. But the Ridge Wallet. Reminds you of riding horses. Silence! My Ridge Wallet. Keep going. Just continue. You don't have to laugh that hard.

Silence is so good, dude. The silence drop is so good. Silence. God damn, dude, that's awesome. Anyways, so my old wallet got fucked up and I needed a new one and Ridge just happened to come by. That's right. Why don't you tell people about our wallets? And so they sent us the wallets. And they gave us wallets. And you were there. You guys were there. I opened it. And what did I say? This sucks. This sucks.

They're hard and metal. And then you used it for 0.5 seconds. I used it for half a day and I was hooked. It's the size of a credit card, so it frees up so much space in your pocket. Well, yeah. I used to have to use it. I had a wallet pocket. That was it. Now I got my fucking wallet. Now Nick sometimes puts them in his under his nuts. He puts them in his pussy pocket. I hide my wallet in between my dick and my nuts. And then what you do is you take your money, you roll it up, right? That's right. And then you pull your dick between your balls to hold it tight and you jam it in your ass.

I love that. I love that. A little fucking cock hammock to hide your Ridge wallet. That's the Ridge V2. Yes, they're selling that. They're selling pulling your cock into your ass. It's a PDF that tells you how to do that. I think it explains how to make that happen. I heard you're still in beta. Oh, shit.

No, I'm in alpha, bro. Wrong. Wrong bitch. That's the one I want. I want wrong bitch. Wrong. The Ridge makes everyday goods to a standard you don't see everyday. We hope you streamline your life by turning the things you carry like backpacks, charges and wallets into tools for better living. Our flagship product, the Ridge wallet launched on Kickstarter in 2013. It now sits in the front pockets of over half a million men and women.

Even women. That's the population of Africa. Half a million? Yeah. I think it's like maybe a thousand or two thousand more than that. I'm sorry, the pantsed population. The pantsed. No.

The ones that have pants. I would say the vast majority of pants. You're playing it fast and loose the definition of pants. As far as what I've seen. How much reason to be done on this? Your cock and ball shoved into a gore doesn't really count as pants. I don't think. Folks, that's their president.

Of Africa. Of the whole country. The real time song. Yeah, folks, that's their president in Africa. Let's see here. Yeah, it's nice. There's two. So they got either titanium carbon fiber aluminum.

I use the carbon fiber one. I like it. I'm sure the other ones are fine. I'm just not. I don't have a metal allergy. Blake has that. Really? He found out because he got so fat that his gut hung over his belt.

Where his belt was sitting on the belt. It rotted away into the flesh and he had an acrobatic wound. It was just doing too much crack to realize. Ridge is approved by the FDA to prevent that from happening by being carbon fiber. That's true. So if you're Blake. If you're Blake. You got Blake.

The guy we know. Gun virus. The fat ass. The stomach. It's medically approved by the federal government licensed. They promised that. Oh, yeah. It's a cure.

It's a cure to be cancer. Whatever we're talking about. Yeah, it's fine. That's the one thing I think you can get. That's not like a copyright thing. If you say that on a show. What? It's lights out for you.

They had a product in cure cancer. Because the government doesn't, they're not like, yeah, we don't know what jokes are. Right. Well, we'll teach them, dude. We'll teach them. We'll fucking, we'll represent ourselves. They got a secretary of defense. Why not a secretary of jokes?

Adam likes the backpack. Imagine he imagines him going to like a school and being like, you know, fitting in with the students. No, no. It's not for that. It's for going on international trips. I'm here for, I'm trying to find. But like a business traveler.

I'm trying to find girls who are emotionally mature. I'm looking for an emotionally mature 20 year old girl. I'm looking for girls with the same, the same correct size pussy for my dick. I'm at this kindergarten. The ridge is a minimal. A lot of 20 year olds are just as mature. My name is Adam. Original front pocket wallet designed to streamline what you carry every day.

The pussies are the right size. I would only hook up with someone that's over 18 in kindergarten. There's a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't. Yep. It comes in. Gaetanium carbon fiber. Brilliant. It does.

It does in different styles and colors. So, but you go to ridge.com slash come town. That's ridge.com slash come town. Use promo code come town and you get 10% off with free worldwide shipping and returns. Wow. So check them out. Worldwide motherfuckers. World turds.

Worldwide. You're fucking pieces of shit. Eric turd. New rules. New rules. Savva's gate. What? Yeah.

Fuck. Silence. Is that one of Bill Maher's new rules is that I'm gay? He said it last week on the show. A bunch of people weren't sending that to you. No. A bunch of people sent it to me. I got a real good laugh out of that.

It might have been the first time I ever laughed at Bill, you know. What the hell? Because he made me gay now? New rules. Savva's gay now. Fuck. What if he had that power? He could just say you're gay.

Yeah. His rules. His rules are legally binding. Fuck, dude. I'm sleepy as a bitch. Yeah, me too, dude. We're in the process of being snowed in here. I know.

It's snowing hard. I gotta go see Bob tonight. I gotta go trudge through this. Yeah. I got two spots tonight. It's gonna suck my dick. You gotta be feeling like Edward Scissorhands. Whoa, misdirection.

Yeah. Is Edward Snowden getting pussy? Where is he? In Russia. In the embassy. Yeah. He had a girlfriend that didn't break up with him. Ecuadorian embassy?

Throughout all of that shit, dude. Can you imagine? Oh, yeah. There's never been a more ride-or-die bitch in the history of... Imagine you have, like, you're dating some nerd for stability. Yeah. And then he's like, honey, I've got bad news. And they're like, oh, you didn't get accepted to jeopardy?

He's like, no, I'm being called a traitor by the president. And we have to flee and find political asylum. Oh, she went with him? No, he didn't even tell her he was leaving. Yeah. I think he just dipped. Adam read all this on girlfriendnews.com. No, I saw the...

Adam reads... Adam reads... What are guys with girlfriends? I saw Glenn Greenwall documentary. I don't want a girlfriend like that. I got to read girlfriendnews.com. Well, how else am I going to learn about girlfriends? I fuck learning, dude.

You're 30. You don't learn shit anymore. Learning's over. It's all about being stuck in your ways. I've learned plenty. I'm not only am I stuck in my ways, I'm getting worse. I've learned plenty of shit. I promise you.

This is me except even more reactionary. And now I shoplift. Even though you have enough money for anything. I know. Now I shoplift and I'm curmudgeonly. Sometimes I shield the airport out of principle. I used to do it all the time. I love doing it.

I used to shield porn. There's a certain part of, like, LaGuardia that I steal from constantly. Almost every time I'm there. And every time I do the whole like, well, where's your cash? Where's your cash register? Always. I pretend like I'm looking around. Looking around.

I put on a play. I guess I'm good. Yeah. I'm ready in case anybody stops. I'm like, oh, I didn't even. Then you're just in the security office and there's another guy that's like, we're fucking like. Yeah.

Like gesturing. Where is the cash register? I don't know where. And then he's in there too. That is really like a perfect crime. Like you get on a plane. You fly away, you know. Yeah.

Come find me and fucking find me in New York. So it's nothing but like professional actors getting caught. And they're in the security office, like knowing that not only do they get caught stealing, but they're bad at acting. That is the ultimate fucking failure for them. That's why we've never been caught because we're beautiful actors. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, acting just comes naturally. My thing is I pretend I'm looking for the cash register. And they're like, sir, are you going to pay for that? I'm like, I don't know where my mom is. I don't know what kind of accent that is. I don't know where my mom is. And you just commit for hours. Yeah.

They're like, you're here alone. You have a passport. You're headed to Geneva. Alone. I'm pretty sure you're not returning. Just give us the seven dollars and stop pretending. Yeah. You're stealing foreign affairs magazine.

I was, I look at it for the puzzle in there. I thought it said cookies magazine. My client was looking for cookies magazine. Seven months. I've just been in jail the whole time. Listen, if they let me in a jail, they're gonna follow me. They're gonna know I'm not retarded. So I'm going to stay here and continue to get brutally raped.

Taking advantage of it. Taking advantage of it. Yeah. Somebody's like, uh, yeah. Hey, Scooter, you want, uh, you want some ice cream? I got an ice cream cone for you. Like, oh boy, I guess I had to lick the ice cream again. Yeah.

And this man who pretended to be retarded. He thinks we don't know. He was just trying to steal a fair and affairs magazine. Yeah. And it's like, I actually, then it's like my, my redemption story is like, I teach the other inmates how to pretend to be retarded so that they can like get off, but then they're all immediately executed by the state. Show a bunch of blacks.

I didn't know I was more raping a woman. They're like, uh, son, we've got a place for you. We've got a big fancy chair for you. No, no, it's the, the, we flipped this switch and it makes you smarter. It's that with a sin, computers into your brain. Don't there's no reason to be scared. Sit there in that big chair and we're going to hook your brain up to the computers. Okay.

Oh, that's so sad. Yeah. That is Texas dude. Texas style. That's why Nick got arrested in Texas in that story. He was stealing from the Austin international airport. Yeah. Austin international direct flights from Austin to London.

The gentleman's commute, the cowboy gentleman's offering nonstop service 17 times a day. Austin, Austin, Texas to London, London, Britain, 17 times. I got a flight out of Austin was expensive as shit for the James Bond. They always have to connect in Dallas. It sucks. Yeah. Damn, it's snowing heavy. It's snow pretty heavy.

God damn it. I gotta go to fucking therapy. I gotta go see a 78 year old man mumble his songs. He's not even apparently there. I text my friend. This one goes out to Adam. Somebody said you're a fucking loser. No.

That's not true. Oh my God. If you said that, it would hurt my head. Adam Greenland is a fucking bitch. Somebody told me your story and I have to say you sound like a fucking loser to me. This is the story of the faggot man. The gayest man I've ever seen. What a beautiful you.

I text my friend because he saw an earlier show on this run and he said he's like, dude, Bob is back. He's trying to sing again because he's been mumbling like the last 10 years at concerts. He's just been mumbling all the songs. He's like, dude, he's singing again. And he plays guitar on two songs. Wow. And I got so hyped.

How old is this motherfucker? 78. Wow. Bernie Age. I guess Bernie Age. Yeah, exactly. If I'm gonna, if, come on, you can't make fun of me. Fuck.

Right? You got me, dude. I got you, dude. You got me on a technicality. It's just like voting for Bernie. It's just as brave and bold. No, because Bernie wasn't doing drugs. He was shooting hoops.

Well, Bob Dylan was saying the n-word, by the way, in his songs. Cancel him. He said it in the Hurricane song. Cancel him. Literally no difference between Bob Dylan and Amanda Palmer. That's right. They're the same, the same artist. No, that's not true at all, dude.

There's literally no difference between Jeffrey Epstein and fucking Lucy K. Yeah. Yeah, I had this like a really shitty idea. Wow. That's a good character. Yeah, thanks. I suck the penis on a hurricane. Oh, I love that.

That's pretty loud. It is loud, but welcome to the zone. Getting the zone, the gay sex zone. The gay hog zone. You're supposed to listen to this podcast at fucking 11, bitch. At 11? Yeah. 11 a.m.

Turn it up to 11, dude. I see. I see. Like that movie. Spinal Tap. How about Spinal Crap? Yeah. Everything about that?

I like that. They're shitting and stuff. Yeah. Same movie, but they're shitting. I've got to go to the bathroom. This one goes in my asshole. I was telling somebody the other day that I've only seen the British Sopranos. It was way better.

We go in a gobble goo in the arse of love. Well, I've been watching this show called... Bob Hoskins is Tony Soprano. That'd be a great show. Island and Sopranos. Yeah, I'd love that. I've been watching this show called Top Boy. My family's been in Jersey.

They do have Italians. My family's been in Jersey for 400 years. Oh, yeah. Running the garbage, lorries. Yeah, that guy Armando Iannucci. That's an Italian ass name. He's Scottish Italian. Yeah.

I've been watching this show Top Boy, which is The Wire, but London. Okay. Just so I can steal British black people's slang and not get caught. Like what? I feel like if I say American black people's slang... Just add them with a little moleskin. There's no jokes written in it. It's just things he's heard black people say.

Well, if they're British... They're not being categorized in terms of black nationalities. They called you that. My friend Bobby told me he had this roommate that was kind of an Adam type of guy. What do you mean an Adam type of guy? And they were moving and he found the guy's notebook and he opened it up. And it was just like... There was an actual page in there that said, cool things Bobby has said to repeat.

And it was a list of just things that Bobby had said. I would not do that. Adam would so. He would never do it. He would never put it in writing. He wouldn't put it in writing. Give a man some credit. He would never trail.

He would repeat them to his therapist and be like, should I say these things? And the therapist would be like, I think you should do whatever makes you feel like you. And Adam would be like, my therapist said the coolest thing to me. My therapist said I should have gay sex. He said the realest thing to me. He said that everything I feel is correct. No, he's not said that. Every impulse I've ever had is the correct impulse to have.

He's given me plenty of criticisms. Has he told you to kiss guys? No, he hasn't told me to kiss guys. Let me get your therapist phone number because I have a button he might be interested in. Once again, Nick. Silence! Shitting on therapy. How are you going to give him a button?

I don't know. I'll bomb the equipment. Listen, I know you help people with words. I help them with money and gifts. That's right. And showering them with gifts. I want you to yell silence at your patients. Silence!

Silence! Speaking of therapy, my roommate started watching that show in treatment. It's a show about therapy. And it kind of sucked. I've got to be honest. Yeah, it's not that good. It's actually based on an Israeli show. Well, there you go.

And in the Israeli version, a fighter pilot accidentally bombs like a school. And he has to go to therapy. Oh, so the Israeli show is just propaganda. It's propaganda killing. Deliberate operation upon the school. It's propaganda to say that it was an accident. That's so funny. I'm going to tell them that.

I can't wait. Yeah, that shit was kind of fun. Top boy is pretty sick though. Top boy. What's some good slang you've stolen? They say they call drugs food. Food is cool. They're like, we need food for the streets.

He's like, we got dark. We got light. That's what they call, I guess, coke and heroin. Food for the streets. Is skeptic in it? No, but there's like a lot of grime music that plays. It's pretty sick that I should shazam while I watch it. Of course.

And then tell people I found it on my own. Yeah, man. You suck. I'm joking, dude. I only did that one. Yeah, there's a guy named Adam and he watches a British show. No, I joke. Shazam's lyrics.

Drake produces it. Shazam this, you fucking asshole. And Adam's shazamming and he's like, well, Bob Dylan's song is this. Everyone's singing along. They all love the lyrics. They handed out the lyrics to everyone. It's under every seat except for mine. Everyone's like, Adam's an asshole with their lighters out.

He's a fucking loser. And we all remember the way the girl sang. In the summer of love. Bullshit song. What's the best Bob Dylan song? What's the best one? Yeah, like what's a good one? I don't know.

I mean, there are so many issues. You're only allowed to be in the Bob Dylan from the age of like 14 to 17. No, that's not true, dude. There's so much different Bob Dylan. I think at that age, you're into the folk stuff. I think as you get more mature, you get more into the rock stuff. And then you get into the Christian stuff. He is Christian stuff?

Being a man is getting into Christian stuff. Yeah, dude. The three Christian albums. Being a man is all about doing the same exact thing as you did at 14 years old. Playing Luigi's mansion. Suck in a penis with from a guy named Bane. We just mentioned is a disappointment. I'll be honest with you.

It's not as fun as Odyssey. Honestly, everything's kind of a disappointment. I thought that new Donk City show was kind of cool. That's like a very small part of the game. Well, that's the only part I saw moments, dude. You just got to remember certain moments to make you happy. That's true. That's all that memories are, man.

Those moments, brother. And we're filling in narrative to make them into stories. Don't you dare talk like Bob Dylan about my actual thoughts. Listen, brother. Do not. Listen, brother. Do not try and make my profound thoughts sound gay by talking like Bob Dylan. Memories are just lies, brother.

That's fine. What's your point then that Bob Dylan is as dumb as Stav but not as funny? Yeah. No. Yeah, dude. Wow, great job. The guy you're paying to go see. That's right.

And a less funny version of your friend. I went to go see Paul Simon together. It's cool to see old men play music. I like Simon. I like Bob Dylan. Paul Simon is better than Bob Dylan. I like them both. Sorry.

So fucking. Fuck you. Yeah, I went to see tool last week. See, that's a band from, you know, the 90s. Are they the ones that age appropriate? Or am I thinking of? No, that's tool. You should be 10 years older.

Come on. You're out of your fucking mind. There's no gen X Nick. No, there's plenty. Gen X. I'm okay. There are plenty of fucking 30 year olds that listen to. I'm okay.

Boomer. You're Gen X and Stav is Gen Z. Yeah. Stav Gen Z. I'm going to go. He's just doing tick tock. I'm doing tick tocks of Doja cat out of songs. Stav's doing those kind of tick tocks that are like, seriously, if you're bullying, you're

a fucking faggot. Yeah. And I'm only faggot. And I'm pointing and pointing to the different words. Who's that? Who's that? I'm sorry that bullying has been taking place at your school. Yeah.

Delaney Walker. Delaney Walker. Yeah. I'm sorry that bullying has been taking place at your school. I loved that news story so much when they found out that that kid was racist. Why would you make fun of me for having a fucked up face? And they're like, no, we made fun of him because he called us the animal. And we come from a slightly racist family for the most part.

I mean, you take it all the south as a whole and contextualize it with that. It's different. It's kind of a wash from boy Bill Clinton. How much money they make? They made like $200,000 before they found out he was racist. You shouldn't bully somebody just for having a friend who has a private island. He has a private island. Sorry.

Maybe you're just hanging out. Sorry. You have to go run away to an island. I've seen God cyberbullied, bro. My friend killed himself because somebody stole his Pokemon cards in person. That would be awesome. Dude, it would be awesome if they fucking they're like if they got that shit. I mean, they're already like, oh, he killed himself.

It's so ridiculous. Absurd. Why not just be like, yeah, he's somebody stole his Pokemon. I made him really sad. Actually, we've concluded our report. We were told that Jeffrey Epstein left a note saying somebody stole his Clefairy. He had a foil. He had a foil charge.

He had a shiny charge. Very first edition. Very rare. Which are worth $20, $25 easily at the CD game exchange. Dude, I remember arguing with my dad that it was a good investment. I was like, I need these cards because they're going to be worth so much. Of course. Yeah.

That's not wrong. Some of them are you can sell for like $20,000. No. Yeah. But like Japanese, like holographic. No. Just like a, just like a Pikachu. Like a misprint.

No. Just the regular cards. Just the regular Pikachu. Everybody, everybody tore them up in a fit of rage. Oh, that's right. They're like, these things are worthless. And then one guy was like, my plan worked perfectly. Now I own all the Pokemon cards.

And then you get all the Pokemon cards. You make a fortune on Pokemon cards. And then you kill your fucking self. Because somebody stole your Pokemon. But then you have gay sex. Adam just crying like, yes. The best music. My favorite music.

Dude. Weeping. I just, I like Bob Dylan. Dead ass. I like Bob Dylan. I just like Bob Dylan. I'm sorry. Dude, when we were in Canada, I bullied you into not watching the Bob Dylan.

No, I had to go to my room. And then you just storming off to your bedroom and then closing the door and then hearing like the baby. You guys didn't. I'll use the effects pad for that. You didn't understand. I didn't cry. I didn't cry for that.

Dad, it's me. I didn't cry from, I didn't cry from the bullying. I cried from the sounds. The music songs. How long have we been going? I got to go to therapy. They said I'm gay. Oh, wow.

It looks like two of us are in therapy. Nick, that's right. Looks like you're outnumbered. Oh, yeah. Nick should go to therapy. No. Yes, you should. Incorrect.

That is the incorrect answer. Can you just promise us once Luigi's mansion is done, you'll start there? I'm already done with Luigi's mansion. You'll never go to therapy. No, I'm going to go back to the gym first and then honestly, you know, it's like, yeah, sure. I don't have a problem with therapy. Really.

I mean, it's just funny to make fun of your things, but no cleaning my apartment, getting my shit together. I feel great going doing a stand up again. It's like just, yeah, I've never knocked therapy, but there's like basic shit first. If you went to a therapist and you're like, well, my apartment's trashed. I'm not taking care of myself. I keep my shit tidy. I'm eating.

I'm eating bad. I'm doing the only thing. You don't have to get everything. You don't have to get everything perfect, but what you saw, it was a fucking mess. Yeah. It was like I was doing nothing. Yeah. Not in the gym.

You don't have to get everything perfect, but you should at least make like a minimal effort of like going to the gym once a week. Yeah. If you're like even doing that or like having some kind of schedule, like, you know, not eating fucking not eating pizza all day long, that's been like, you know, just sitting out for days on end, you know, I mean, it's like, you know, one foot in front of the other. I mean, obviously there's a chemical reasons for depression or whatever, but it's like, you can make minor adjustments to your circumstances to make life more manageable that you don't

need to go pay somebody fucking $300 a week. It's not that much for me. Yeah. We all know about your deals. Yeah. I told him, well, listen, everyone, come, come see me at the fucking Houston on the 13th and come to fat Tuesdays, every Tuesday at the stand and come to funny moms next Monday, the ninth and then the 16th and then we're taking the rest of the month off.

We're going to be there the ninth and the 16th. I think Andy Haines is on the, keep your eyes peeled. Keep your eyes peeled. Also space. I'm selling calendars. Go to stop.biz and we've got calendars, the 2020 Stavros Halkins calendars. You're going to love them folks. And soon I will be coming to, I'm coming to Chicago at the end of January, Milwaukee,

Appleton, uh, then Rhode Island, we're doing an Appleton skyline. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Skyline Thursday, Thursday before Chicago. And then it's a good club and then hyenas in Dallas on Valentine's Day weekend DC draft house on the 20th, 21st, 22nd. A lot of shit coming up folks.

And I think I'm coming to London also. Uh, get your fucking titties out in, uh, all those places. And I will have links hopefully up by the time this episode is out. Keep your eyes peeled on come.town. We got, I got new, the store should be back up sooner rather than later at this point. It's working out some more of the kinks, some of the sexual things. When they think about stores, they're thinking about sexual, the sexual fantasies. You know, I'll tell you Anderson, I want to rape you right now.

You're a sexual person. Okay. We're going to take a break. Well, thanks for, I'm raped actor Michael Douglas. I'm raped actor Michael Douglas to make a wish foundation is doing magnificent work with boys and girls who have been raped. Michael. Uh, no, no, it's, they have that out, Mike.

They have cancer. Oh, well, okay, all right, that's the show goodbye.