The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 187 – Putting the Chris back in Christmas

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock

Because I'm gay. I wanna suck you off every day. Because I'm gay. Christmas time, is it? Why do you have the whole paper towel roll? Because I have a cold. You have a cold? It's, I'm getting over it. I feel like I'm getting one. Just use tissues rather than... Do you have tissues? Yeah, hold on. It's a lot less rough on your nose. That's true. Less expensive. Yeah. Always his eye on the fucking bottom line, man. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He does not worry about my nose.

That's classic. He's worried about me wasting the ridges. The ridges that would pick up, soak up liquid. Yeah, I'm not worried about the money. It's that I don't want, you know, if you have a cold, you're blowing your nose all over my paper towels and picking the paper towels back up, and I use them to clean the kitchen. Nah, dude. You can't, yeah, you're right. Because honestly, I'm... You can keep that box of tissues. You can have... I don't want it. Adam was the one that said it was less expensive. I said I use those. I never brought up price.

Adam, we can go, we can go ahead. We can literally do that now. Really? Yeah, let's do it. Whoa, that's awesome. We'll play it back later. Okay, here we go. All right, I think this one I'm actually... It's too expensive. Yeah, that's not me. It's too expensive. The towels. You said it was... You said, oh, it's less expensive. I just played it. The towel is too expensive. That was me, actually. Well, it's December. Can you turn my headphones

up a little bit? So now you know. Me too, actually. Everybody's talking about playing the Resident Evil remake on PlayStation 4 from... They came out six years ago instead of... I hear it's very scary. Instead of seeing your family. Is it scary? Yeah. I've never played it. You don't even know what I'm talking about. The last Resident Evil that came out? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, not at all, man. No, no, no, no. What are you talking about? It's not good. The news went you didn't want to hire an

abuela to throw shoes at you. That would be awesome. A small one, please. An abuelita. An abuelita? Yeah, a tiny, a tiny woman. Do you think... How many grandmas do you think are good at sucking dick? I hate it when people pretend like that's like a harsh punishment. What's that? Someone throwing a shoe at you. Yeah, most of the time when I was... I was threatened with a shoe and I was threatened with a spoon a lot. And... You always chose the spoon. Because fuck them.

Yeah, and then that's how you got big. Yeah, I'll show you spoon. I'm gonna wear you out. Fucking repeated pudding use. I'll eat so much pudding that the spoon will wear through. And I ultimately had the last laugh. But no, it was mostly, honestly, it was mostly a ceremonial getting a shoe thrown at you. It was a, it was a threat. It never actually... What do you mean ceremonial? Like George Bush. You did it at Christmas time? No, I guess not quite ceremonial. What's the word I'm looking for? It's like a big show. Symbolic. Symbolic.

Yeah. But you actually got it from them? Yeah, I would get a shoe thrown at me. Throne. Well, what his family would do is, you know, they couldn't afford a TV. We had plenty of TVs. They would project a film on the Stov's ass. No. I was not that big as a child. He had to use his ass. I was a fat child. I was a silly, regular sized child. And often there would be an evil character. His mom doesn't know the difference between movies. My mom knows the movies in reality. No, she doesn't. So she's like, that's the bad guy? And she would start throwing her shoes at Stov's ass.

If anything, my grandma might not know the difference, but my mom does. If your grandma saw that movie of the train, like, you know... She'd be like, oh, it's going to run me over. I saw it. I saw it. But if your dad saw it, he would bend over, pull his ass cheeks apart, get the train into his ass. My father? Yeah. No, he understands movies. But if he didn't, that's how you would respond. If he was in that theater... If he was in that theater, instead of running and screaming, he would pull his pants down and open his ass wide and hope the whole train would go in his ass.

It's a funny image. For sexual pleasure. We both know that's not... I know. I don't. I don't know that. Okay. Anyway, Nick, you were seven. Everyone running out of the theater and your dad just with his ass pulled open. Don't run away, everyone. I'll save us. He's a hero. Get behind my ass. I'll save us, everyone. He's a hero. That is so him, honestly. Yeah, dude. Just being so self-sacred. People were like, you know, they were afraid because they thought

the train was real. And it was like, no, the Holocaust just happened. No, that's not when that movie... That's what happened. That's not when that movie came out, Nick. There were plenty of movies... They were going to have to get on the train. Beho, Nick. There were plenty of movies that came out before the Holocaust. People knew what movies were. Silence! No, the only movie that ever came out before the Holocaust was... What was the train movie? It was The Birth of a Nation.

Balto. And Balto. Balto came out before that. The one with the dog. Dude, it's so funny that this... So this cat's movie sucks and no one's going to see it. I want to see it. I want to see it, too. It's the one movie where they can't point to anything. They can't be like, oh, it's anti-Catites. Yeah. It just sucks. And it's refreshing to have something that just sucks dick and not have to... And everyone can be like, this sucks dick.

Oh, it's because women. It's because people aren't ready for... Oh, yeah, like Charlie's Angels failed because there was too many women involved. But people are doing the same thing with little women. They're like, oh, men aren't going to see it. Because they can't handle stories that don't center their experiences. No. It's just boring. Here's the thing. There's only been one movie that's ever kind of centered my experiences. And it's that Mike...

Call me by your name. Mike Barbiglia movie about fucking improv. Brokeback Mountain. I would never go see that fucking movie. Are you sure it's not the two I said? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Adam, what do you think? I think Stav might be on to something.

I think actually Call Me By Your Name really centers Nick's experience. Yeah. Well, you haven't seen any movie because you get hung up at the concession stand. He has arguments. Look, I'm just saying the prices are outrageous. I can get popcorn. And it's like, look, I'm willing to pay a small fee to bring my own popcorn in. Can we barter that?

I used to do that when I was in high school. Did you? I bring it in a backpack. I bring snacks in a backpack. Breaking the law, baby. I know what you mean. That improv movie looks so fucking horrible. Where it's like one of them makes it and it's like whatever. It was one of them molests everyone else.

I would never go see a stand up comedy. I didn't even, I didn't finish Funny People. The first hour does rock though. The part that's about stand up. It's funny. I would, yes, if every movie, but that's the thing. I see one of those movies and I'd be like, all right, that was good. I wouldn't see it every time.

Here's the thing. In Little Women, if one of the women, if the, she gets a fucking puppy and the Russian mafia kills it, and then one of the women kills 100 guys to take, to be like, fuck you. Now I'm an assassin again. Then I'll go see Little Women. But if it's a movie about going, being on the fucking prairie. Yeah, how little are these women? And fucking, oh yeah, how tiny are their pussy?

I want to see how small they are. Okay, hold on. Are they women with little pussy? Are they miniature adult women? Because then my dick might feel really big. I want to see like a tinker bell sized bitch. I'm not going to go see 1917 either. That looks kind of good.

Well, that, your anti-war. Yeah. Yeah, Nick's a pacifist. It's a movie. It's 19 comma 17. And it's about the age of women that Adam dates. That's not true. God is ass.

Adam's like. We need a God is ass drop. Yeah. Adam's like, he wants to go see Little Women. He's like, but I got to make sure they look like guys. I got to make sure they're on SSR. Adam's mad because he thinks it's about Asian women. Yeah.

He's like, what the hell? That's racist. Did these little women live in Bushwick? Are they 22 and they have borderline personalities? I haven't fucked anyone from Bushwick in a while. Did one of their boyfriends who listen to my podcast recently dumped them and they're looking for revenge. They're looking for revenge.

That has never literally ever happened to me. But multiple times it's happened to you. Wait, I want us. What was I going to say? I heard that that Pete Holmes show. Speaking of things about Santa that looks like I never saw it, but I heard that he writes into the show him fucking women. Oh, yeah, which is kind of a promo.

I respect that. I got a tip of the hat to Pete Holmes. Originally, the show was called Smashing. And he was like, what if it's a show where I fuck? And it's me and I'm fucking and I'm fucking and you're watching it. You're watching me fuck. And we're all watching me fuck. And it's like, what is this?

Yes, comedic genius. Pete Holmes. I love that he plays like himself at like 20. And he's like a 37 year old man. But I just told me he makes John Mulaney older than him on the show. Is he not in real life? He uses Irishman technology. I know.

I think they're the aging. Okay. Yeah. But John Mulaney looks very. Yeah. If one of them had very boyish John Mulaney might be able to do that with a backwards cap. He's a boy.

He's a Sprite Lee fellow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, little women, I guess I'll see if people say it's really good. But I saw knives out and that sucked absolute cock. Why didn't you look at gems, dude? You love basketball because I'm going to see with a friend on Christmas day.

Oh, you later on later on, which was a crazy mistake. Yeah, you should have just seen it. I know and lied about it. But I did see a good time. The safty brothers first movie that shit rocked my cock. The last one. The last one they just made. Yeah.

That shit looked awesome. That was awesome. It was sick, dude. And Robert Pattinson was so good at being a guy from Queens. And here's the thing. I know guys like those Greek guys, those second or third generation Greek guys that become total fucking scummy. Oh, yeah.

They're Greek in the movie. Yeah. I know a hundred of those guys and he nailed it, dude. Those guys are just like, you know, take advantage of their grandmothers and like the dumb bitches that they date and shit. Dude, I'm a Robert Pattinson fan. Me too, dude. I'm excited for him to be Batman.

Me too. I honestly that Batman. I can't believe they got me again. I'm excited to see a Batman because fucking he's sick that he's playing Batman. But also the villains big dick fucking that big dick Irish guy. What's his name, dude? He's in a bruise. Colin Farrell.

Colin Farrell is a middleer. I love Colin Farrell. And then it was going to be fucking Joe Hill. That would have been fucking cool, but they got someone else. The second season of True Detective, I didn't think was very good, but I thought that Colin Farrell was so sick. I didn't see that shit. There's a scene where he relapses on coke and he just throws down

like a mount of coke on a table and just does it. That's tight. And he's just going full Colin Farrell. It's amazing. I didn't think knives that looked good, but everyone got 97% around tomatoes. Usually that's pretty good. Yeah. You don't listen.

I don't listen to critics too. And it had a good cast, but they have the Keith Stanfield in there. And then all he does the whole movies go is like look surprised. And then fucking James Bond talks. So he talks like fog horn, fucking leg horn. It sucks. Daniel Craig. Yeah.

He's in it. Yeah. He's like the main guy. Oh, true. What? What? How was your weekend, Nick? What'd you been up to?

Hmm. I don't know. I just sat on the couch and watched the Sopranos. My little brothers rewatching it. My brother's up for the holidays. I just, I like, I spent so much time watching the Sopranos. And it's a good thing to spend your time. The older you get, the more important it becomes.

Absolutely. You know, it's more about us, dude. Yeah. I, without even thinking about it, I clapped and went, all right, Tony, by myself in my apartment. Ben O'Brien pointed this out. But my favorite part of that show is when Tony treats himself to a murder. When he's just like, he's spoiling himself.

I'm going to do this one. Yeah. This one's for me. I'm going to do this one myself. Yeah. Yeah. Or even when he knows he's not supposed to. Uh-huh.

It's awesome, dude. I watched the one yesterday where, you know, Adriana and Tony in a car getting coke and in a car accident. And then like Chris is, you know, everybody's talking shit about Chris. And so he goes, yeah, not kill Tony, but he goes in and he points a gun on him. And then, you know, they have to take him, they take him out into the field. They're going to kill Chris. And then, yeah.

And then they get the doctor because, you know, Tony be like intervenes and the doctor is like, yeah, no, there's no way. She was sucking Tony's dick because she had like lacerations from the seat belt. And then, you know, you know, Chris is like, I guess I believe you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, you guess, you know, he's like, yeah, it doesn't mean he's like everybody thinks it now. So now I'm, now it only matters what other people perception. I got to live in this world. Very smart idea. Now I'm Joey Jerkoff. And then it's just like a shot of like Tony's face and you think he's kind of processing it, which should be a very easy thing for anyone to understand.

But you feel like it finally got through to Tony. Yeah. He's like, oh, yeah, I guess. Like I'm just like, I'm reckless in my fucking actions. Like, yeah, even hanging out. Like I'm not fucking Adriana, but like the result of my actions are even like flirting with that idea. But you also feel like he's gonna fuck her if they don't get in that car accident.

Yeah. So he's like, he's like, you know, but Melphie already praised him for coming in and like talking about the, you know, discussing it rather than like just acting on the impulse. So like he's like just fucking, he's like, you know, he finally like, maybe it finally clicks with Tony. Yeah. But he's like looking at Chris and he's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm just being fucking reckless and I'm like hurting my nephew by doing it.

And then it just immediately cuts to him and Melphie's office. He's like, I should have fucked her. Which he's right. Damn, respect to Tony. I love him. I wish I was Tony Soprano. It all ended so good for him and if I was Tony, I would have fucked her and pretty much everyone.

Yeah. If I was Tony, I would have been, I would have been the boss of the whole region. I would have taken over the New York. Yeah. The New York, the South Jersey, maybe the South Jersey, I would have consulted everything. I wonder the main under me. Yeah. I would have.

Yeah. I would have copied the tootie couple, the tootie couple, the couple demand a cut. I remember liking that Tony B storyline. I think it's done this time around. Yeah. That's one that the first time around it's crushing and then you care. Because you're so happy to see fucking Bushami. Bushami.

You know Bushami? It doesn't make any sense because he's like, everything is going right for him. He literally finds $12,000 and he has like one bad night and then his girlfriend bitches at him. He's like, well, time to throw it all away. But don't you get the sense he wants to? No, because prior to that, he didn't have any of that good fortune. He was going to just continue working at the fucking laundromat. Yeah.

And like, why didn't that break him? What in the reality of working in that fucking laundry facility like slowly trying? This was like a five year plan and it was accomplished overnight. And then he has like one bad day and he like beats the fuck. Prior to that, he had already had the truck stolen. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

I get I'd have to rewatch it. So these things that like seriously tested his fucking patience and he seemed like, he's the guy that intervenes and like stops Tony from killing Chris. The more the more out of it. It's just like one, like just one thing with his fuck. He has like one fight with. Perhaps it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know.

I haven't seen it and I don't remember it, but I will argue that perhaps it was. Well, really what I want to do is open a penis suck. I want to have. Yeah, I just want to go charge guys to suck their cock. I want to be a masseur. So we're going to bring guys in and then, you know, I was thinking maybe I suck their cock at the end. Really differentiate myself from the other businesses around here. Well, a lot of these places, they just have Chinese women do it.

Figure if I get in there, you know, Oh fuck. Damn, this is the literal Christmas. This comes out on Christmas. Wow. We got to do some Christmas surprises for the episode. Uh-huh. You have any Christmas?

Whoa, Adam. I thought just for a nice little Christmas surprise, I could. You should do what? But I could just. Well, you could just suck a guy's cock. You don't have to bleep that out. Adam, what race do you hate the most? Whoa, dude.

I'd never. He's not done. That's the longest one I've heard and all women. Yes. Yes. Yes. What are we doing for? What do you guys do for Christmas?

I thought I was going to do something, but I think I might actually stay here and do nothing. I'm doing Christmas. Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to Christmas. Where? My friend's parents house. Are you going to Rockland County? Christmas Eve.

Wow. Ecuadorian Christmas. Interesting. Yeah. A little Feliz Navidad actually. A little Feliz Navidad. Sucking on my dick. Feliz suck my dick.

Feliz, that's right. I hope I get a present. Feliz suck my dick. I hope you won't get a correct present. Feliz suck my dick. Bross Barrow, and you'll please suck my dick. Well, I got his mom, and I present it today, so this bitch shows me a present. I want to suck you a very, very, very...

From the bottom of my ass. Suck me. Suck my very... Oh, dude, what would Gene Nadz say? Yeah, he wouldn't say that. You wouldn't say that. You said that would be disrespectful. I was like, could you just say suck me?

Suck me very dick? That would be disrespectful. Suck me very dick. I forgot about that. That had a real run, dude. We were saying that for a while. That's the magic of cinema. That Hollywood magic.

That Hollywood movie magic. Dude, speaking of Hollywood, you know what's a good movie, dude? Barbershop, too. And Barbershop, for that matter. Yeah, I like how Cedric the entertainer is racist to black people. And he's got some great...

In Barbershop, too, Cedric's going like, you know Osama, Saddam, they all up in a mansion together. They're just hanging out. He's just like giving these awesome conspiracy theories. You know... I want to see what Cedric's character has to say about Epstein from the Barbershop movies.

That's got to make his way into Barbershop 4. You can't be a player anymore. I also love that the big... Let me ask you something. How come Epstein, Weinstein, Dershowitz... No, no. Let him go, Adam.

I don't know what he's trying to say. Oh, we all know what Cedric's trying to say. I also love that the antagonist in Barbershop 2 is like a gentrifying... barbershop called Nappy Cuts that just has incredible

amenities. They have, like, fish tanks. They have, like, sushi. It makes no... As a business, it makes no sense. I told you about that Barbershop... the Dominican Barbershop I went to in Bushwick once when I first moved here, and they had straight-up pornography playing.

Hell, yeah. The one by me has cock fights. That they're playing from the Internet. They're live. They're betting on them. I was in Puerto Rico with my ex-girlfriend. They had a place advertising cock fights. And then I was like,

you see this? And she's like... She laughed or whatever. And she's like, no. I was like, yeah, no, that's literally what's going on in there. She thought it was, like, the name of the place. Cock fights? No, we're in, like, a different culture. Of course they abuse animals.

They don't have electricity after 6 p.m. They're gonna abuse animals. Trust me, don't worry. In a couple of months, God will take care of this place. This was, of course, 2016. Pre-Hurricane. And I was right.

Me and my fellow Christians, we prayed for those chickens. The lives of those goods. We prayed for those chickens. And God sent a gentle, blew a gentle kiss towards Puerto Rico for the protection of those chickens

and cleaned it of its sins. And now they can rebuild as a godly nation. It's sin ti tasas. It's sin. I wanna suck you a very penis. I wanna suck you a very penis. I'm thinking if I'm with

Latins for Christmas, I should like... Because they all believe in ghosts, you know? So I should maybe do, like, a prank where they think like... The ghosts of Christmas. They should do, like, a Mexican Christmas carol. So it's called.

And Scrooge is like, I don't like Christmas. And then the ghost shows up and he's like, I'm the ghost. He's like, oh no! I'm just you from the future. No, you have to go away. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm you, dude.

I'm more of a spirit than a ghost. You're a spirit. You're a spirit. You're a spirit. Then it goes, you've even worse. So the guy's... He's lost his accent in the future? Sure.

And then he's like, he has to go, he has to go higher. He's like, I guess I gotta hire somebody to go talk to this guy on my behalf. So he goes into the Home Depot parking lot. And he's like, I'm looking for it. Where are you guys going? That would be good, man.

Let's get that into production ASAP. It's so funny that how much more effective the KKK would have been had it been his Mexican guys. They would have been so scared. We don't want to be racist. Because we can't say these things outright.

Maybe if we just scare black people into moving to New York. That's what you think? They were like, I'm going to dispute that fact. But that's fine. With ice cream? Yes. With Rocky Road.

Because everybody catches shit for everything. But Ben & Jerry's just has a Black Lives Matter ice cream flavor. And it's like, if anyone else had done that, they wouldn't have gotten away with it. But they walked the walk, baby.

They're Bernie. It doesn't matter. What does it taste like? Black Lives Matter is ice cream shit. You know a comedy show? Same thing, dude. We're a business. We're a corporate

business. Yeah, dude. We together are not a business. If you're, say for example, some sort of lawyer looking to sue an individual member. I'm not a businessman. I'm a businessman.

I'm not responsible for the things that either of you do or say. Okay. That really comes in handy. But you suggest most of the things that I do and say. Not true. You did suggest for him to suck your penis.

And look how it turned out. That was a suggestion. He's now the president. Of your corporation? Of Dick Sucking LLC. Yeah, we got this guy Adam Massage Parley.

Tony doesn't like him, but I don't know, he does good work. I don't know what it is like in the sky. First you work here, I think you're lazy American and criminal. But now I see how hard you suck dick. I'm going to give you

the money for your business. Your dick sucking business. Because you think like Korean. Before anyone gets mad at me, that was the character. That's pretty good impression. Yeah, very close. Dude, you know what's fucked up?

Jeez, Adam, you can take a day off. No. But I love it. Man who loves his work has no work at all. I never work a day in my life. I tell you what Tony, I'll be doing the Adam character this bit. Adam, listen, I got to talk to you.

I don't know if you're trying to take off for a Hanukkah. Oh, perfect, keep doing that. Mmm, yummy. You were saying something Tony? I don't sound like that. No, I don't. I don't sound like that. I don't sound like that.

I don't sound like that. I sound different. I sound cooler than that. I sound cool. I sound so fucking cool. I live in Brooklyn where I'm cool. No, dude, I hate Brooklyn. I've been in Brooklyn.

Oh, yeah, where you moving to fucking lower fucking dime square, bitch? No, dude, I'm square. Pebbles, the dime, dime square. I want to move to like sunny side or Woodside. Pebbles, the dime, dime. Woodside, stay the fuck out of Queens, bitch. I want to move to Queens, dude.

I love it. Copier. Honestly, it's the best burrow in New York. It is copier. I'm not copying you. I like how much of Queens is a cemetery. It's goth vibes. It is goth and you don't deserve it. You deserve to be here. I like how many different languages.

160 languages. I like walking around in a place where no one wants to talk to me. No one can get mad at me. That's here. No, that's not true. People don't want to talk to you here. People want to talk to me here,

but they don't want to say nice things. I feel like I'm criticized a lot less. That is an important distinction. I was in Queens for lunch today. Fuck, dude. Where were you? In, what's it with an E? Where'd you go? With an E.

With an E. Elmerist. Where'd you go? To this place, this Thai place. It's banging. Interesting. Let me check my phone. Let me check my messages. Anything from Adam?

For lunch, dude? Who was it? I don't know, but she might be the one. You don't know who she is. I don't know her name, but she might be the one. What was the pussy do? Did it do some tricks? Yep.

Pretty much. Pretty much. It was so good that it lasted like 35 seconds. That's awesome, bro. Damn, I'd love to blast. I'd love to blast inside of a woman at some point soon.

Inside of her? I want to have a kid. I got to get a bitch pregnant in the first three months of 2020. That means why? So I could have a kid by the end of the year. Why do you want to do that? Because I want to be a single father.

Everyone loves single fathers. Every Disney Channel movie. That would be so funny. The single father is such a good guy. Just cut to whatever kind of Elliot Rodgers shooting is fucking half Asian, half Jewish son. No!

My fucking dad is a fucker! And it's women's fault! It's women's fault! Dude, I would love it if you had a kid, honestly. I would love it. Or you, Nick. I just want a baby in my life that I could love that's not mine. I'm not a little cousin.

My family will be hidden. We only do some quiet place shit. But we're only speaking in sign language. Quiet place shit. You have to walk on the sand. I'm taking out a fucking weld. And do carpentry. And keep them away from the outside world.

No way, dude. I'm doing a Dominican style. I'm going to have multiple families. My daughter is like 14. She's like, Dad, what are takes? And I'm like, who told you about that? They're nothing. Don't worry about it. There's no such thing as takes. She goes into the attic and just

finds like printed out message boards. Yeah. Just like a fucking old Dell from 1998. Yeah. Just booting up. Takes you to, what was the one message board that everybody from Weird Twitter was on? Something awful.

Takes you to, should you just find some of those? I think. Or 4chan. Dude, 4chan always scared me. I hated 4chan. Shout out to 4chan. 4chan was gay. It was gay, but it also scared me

because they would have like, you know, child pornography and like people dying and you're afraid women shitting. You were afraid you'd be into it. I was not afraid I'd be into child pornography. I was more into Rotten.com. Just stop like at home because face covered in chocolate

and getting chocolate all over the keys, getting the back button out of 4chan. I didn't understand message board. I didn't know what the anon fucking meant at the time. You didn't know the word anonymous? Why was everybody had the same name?

It was weird. But you just didn't know the word anonymous. It's a Greek word. I knew the word, but it was like, why is everyone's name that? You probably knew a guy named Anonymous. No, that's not a guy's name. You probably thought it was a Greek guy named Anonymous. I'm on this forum for Greek guys.

I know it is because everyone's got a Greek name and it's filled with child pornography. That's so funny. But it's scaring me. Guys, I tell you what, if you're trying to get your penis smart, hard as fuck, take it away, fellas.

If you're trying to get your little prick-a-dell stifferoon, then what you need is not diet and exercise and living a better lifestyle, doing less drugs. What you need is to keep doing all that cool stuff. But take another drug, an extra drug.

BlueTru.com. You need to go to the doctor who will tell you, yep, everything you're doing is great. You have anxiety, wink, wink, here you go, here are some dick pills. And that's what you... Listen, and you'll get the stiff... In fact, does anybody have a BlueTru I can borrow?

No. You're out? Yeah, I should re-subscribe. I need to re-subscribe, dude. That's cool. Fuck, well, yeah. I was so dependent on him, I wanted to see what I could do, oh, natural.

Yeah, I tried to go clean, but then I had a little relapse. You know what I did? You have to get back into beating off through your imagination. And then that sucks for a while. But then it works. Yeah, but don't do what we're saying.

Yeah. Put it in the promo code. No stimulants for... You got to beat off your mind, and then after you get used to that you can go back to playing Battlefield 1 and pretending like you're in the trenches. You and the Tommy's

need to beat off to stay warm. Absolutely, you're doing it for warmth. And it's like to stave off trench foot. I turn the volume all the way up on my noise-canceling PlayStation 4 headphones and listen to just the sounds of, uh, we are taking Objective Dog.

And I pretend the Japanese are coming to take Objective Dog. And then only then can I get hard. But if you have that problem and you can't get hard in any other circumstance you can take a little short cut called Blue Chew. Blue Chew. And listen, they got the good shit. You think this is

gas station, you know, you don't know what's in there? No. You're getting generic versions of fucking Salis and Viagra. You think we don't know what this is? It's the Laddifil and Sadananlifil. It's Sadananlifil. It's real shit, motherfuckers.

And it gets your cock stiffer than fucking you'd ever believe. Remember the movie Dallas Buyer's Club? Yes. Another movie that was kind of in your existence. Yeah, actually it is. Yeah. Actually, I am based on that guy, which is a man

who was straight, but still punished by God. In real life, he was actually gay by the way. Well, we're talking about the movie. The movie is based on me. He's not based on you. He's based on a gay guy they pretend to be. You're not from Texas. You live there for a few years.

I'm a tough guy from Texas who's being punished by God despite being straight. Despite being straight, he's been... He's not straight. He's a straight guy, and he's got a mustache, and he can get in shape for a movie when he needs to.

Anyway, how was that related to dick pills that we're selling? I don't know. You interrupted me. I had a point, and then you tried to... Well, the point... The only reason you know that guy's gay in real life is because you kissed him on the lips. So what? It was a mistake. Everyone's allowed to make a mistake.

And guess what? I don't care, actually. Right, because you're morbidly obese, which cancels out the AIDS. No, it doesn't. And I'm regular obese. I know, you would be morbidly obese. And here's the thing. If you didn't have AIDS. That you got from that guy in real life. Hold on. So I'm not morbidly obese.

You said I would be in a scenario. So you're admitting I'm regular obese. Thank you. I'll take it. And even if you are obese, and your cock can't get hard because of that, go to bluetooth.com to stiffen up your prick in ways you can barely imagine.

I'm mad you said that in movies about me. No, but you're... He wasn't saying that you're the fucking... I was. You're saying you're the Jared Leto. Oh, yeah, you're Jared Leto. No. That's me. No, you're not.

No, you're Matthew McConaughey because he's gay. Jared Leto's trans! That's not being gay. He's just a woman. She's a woman. No, I'm just saying that... He's not. Nick is gay, not trans. I'm going to go back and add the beep for that entire part.

I'm going to beep out all your shit. So the only thing we hear is me saying that movie's about me. And then you're saying that's right. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm sure there's actually gayer guys

than Matthew McConaughey, and actually that's who you are. Anyway, get your cock hard, man. No matter what movie you're watching, you're gay, you're straight, you're bi, you're pan. Fuck it, dude. You can get your dick hard and fuck a couple... a stick of butter with this kind of shit, dude.

You know what I'm saying? What's the thing if you only fuck smart people? Sanbio-sexual. So Adam takes one and goes to a community college. And it's hard because... Yeah, there's a bunch of... Yeah, a bunch of simpletons. I can't have sex with simpletons because I'm a sapio.

So I take this pill, and then I can have sex with anyone I want. I mean, this thing that says stupid. Obesity could rob you. Obesity could rob you. I looked up what's the difference between morbid obesity and obesity. It says obesity could rob you of 20 years of health.

Obesity knocks 20 years of good health off your life and can accelerate your death by 8 years. Okay. But how about instead of calling it robbing you of 20 years of your life, we refer to it as skipping to dessert? I would love that. That's what I'm doing. That's fuck vegetables, dude.

I'm getting right to the ice cream part of life, baby. Yes, sir. Right now, I'm enjoying a fat steak. That's right. And in about five years' time, it's about to be a tiramisu time. So you're not putting any disease

in the Google, it's like the facts about it. So it's very common, more than 3 million cases per year. Usually self-diagnosable. Yeah. Is something burning? Maybe you're having a heart attack. No, it smells like fucking like burning.

You smell that? The only thing burning is the pussies that you're gonna fucking burn. No, it literally smells like fucking... Or assholes, or mouths, with bluetooth.com. What the fuck is that? I really don't smell shit. Really? Yeah, dude, are you honestly smelling shit?

Yeah, I'm not fucking kidding. It smells like burning. You're having a heart attack. No, it would be a stroke, first of all. Oh, it's a stroke. Yeah, not burning hair, per se, but like burning... Toast? Maybe it's a trash? It could be the trash, but I don't know.

Whatever. Alright, so bluetooth.com. Promo code COMTOWN or COM120 or something? Uh-huh. Look, man, just figure it out. COM, COMTOWN. Get your fucking penis stiff. How quickly does it take for a new shipment, Adam?

Um... Yeah, look, first of all, no awkward... No awkward in-person doctor information. None of that. You go online and there's no waiting in line at the pharmacy or any kind of interaction with anybody. You go on there, you say what you have,

you know, they do a quick screen, takes five minutes, you sign up, and if you go online there, you put the information in and you're talking about just a couple of minutes we're just... you just give them a chat. And it works better than the other brands

because it's chewable. It can work up to twice as fast. That's how it gets... And you can take them on an empty stomach or a full stomach and you get prescribed online easily and it ships to your door in discrete packaging.

Wow. So these are all things that are put in the plus column and Bluetooth gives you... they're made in the USA in case you're an anti-free trade guy. Oh, yeah. I'm a trade protectionist. Oh, cool.

Thanks, dude. Wow. Wow. You want to continue? Sorry. No, I'm just thinking about how cool that is. That is really cool, Adam. It's really cool, dude. You're a cool guy.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. No, hold on. I mean it, dude. You're cool. I appreciate you saying that. Psych! Oh, shit. How are you going to psych me like that? Are you one of the listeners? Here's a great deal for you guys.

Visit bluetooth.com to get your first order free when you use promo code COMTOWN and just pay $5 shipping. That's bluetooth.com, promo code COMTOWN C-U-M-T-O-W-N. Nice. I'm literally re-signing up right now to get more dick pills

for my soft ass penis. Can you get 30 a month? It costs like... yeah. How much does that cost? It's a lifestyle brand, so it's like you wake up you have it with your vitamins in the morning. Oh, yeah. You can take it every day. The Cialis one last 36 hours, I think?

Yeah, it's the weekend, baby. So yeah, you could take that on a Friday afternoon. Are you still smelling shit? Yeah. I'm not smelling shit, dude. It might just be the trash. I think it's probably the trash. And by the way, come see me on tourstabi.biz

slash tour. It smells like burning like wax and burning Interesting. I'm coming to Milwaukee, Chicago Stuffed up right now. Burning vinyl. Providence, Texas, Dallas

DC, Tucson, Phoenix The Dallas Penis Club Doubling in the UK I'm starting a club. I'm starting a club, Hillary. The Dallas Penis Club Mom, good news. I met a guy named Jeppe

He's taking me on his airplane to meet the president. Hillary. Jeppe, Hillary, I'm trying something new. Oh, no. Hillary, I got a new one. Why don't we see how their penises taste? Maybe. Maybe I'm just, I'm gay, but I'm gay

for a retort. You know, we extend our lives by raping children. Maybe we can make ourselves happier by raping the mentally disabled. That's true. Honestly, they probably have tried it. If you're a pedophile, why not?

At that point. You've crossed the Rubicon. We're starting a club here in Dallas. I can't. I wish I could do at the Rubicon. We're starting to see. All right, all right, all right. Of course, everyone goes, all right, all right, all right.

All right, all right, all right. I love when I say I wish I could do a guy and then you immediately take a stab at it and it's just just breaking it. In the off chance air-balling it. In the off chance he could do it, though. Why not? Yeah, I'm going to get one.

I'm going to get one, dude. You know, never. Wayne Gretzky said that. If you take, if you never say that. If you take enough shots, your pussy gets stuffed. You're going to fuck. You're going to fuck.

You're going to fuck once in a while. I would say that. Really? Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch? Yeah. You know, he, he's got a new fucking he's got a show.

He's got a brand new penis. He went to the Dallas Penis Club. He went to the Dallas Penis Club. He's got a show. Let's make a deal. These guys just need penises. They just need cocks. Let me ask you something. What is, how do these sound?

Let me ask you something. Anybody that's from Texas, you can just do a Texas accent. But it's like almost fucking impossible to do the actual guy. So just do the accent, man. Why? To take for the, for right now. No. No, no, no, no. Okay. I can, I can do some impressions.

No. Do one. Owen Wilson. Oh my God. What are you going to say? Wow. Anybody that, look, if you're just doing the impression that everybody else fucking does, it doesn't count. So you have to come up, you have to do a different word. There was a guy, and I don't want to shit on him,

because I was like, I like the guy, and he's a nice guy. But there was a guy that would do a Chris Walken impression stage. Yeah. And then eventually he would just do his entire act as Christopher Walken. Frank Calliander, dude. Or he would throw in Denzel, too. Who? No different guy. You don't know this guy. No, we're thinking about the guy

that only does Denzel. There's a guy in Baltimore. And again, I don't want to show him. I fuck with him. That's a different guy. Oh, yeah. There's so many comments that just do Denzel. There's a guy that just does Denzel, Obama. It's awesome, dude. Yeah. If you can only do

Christopher Walken, you can't do voices. Yeah. And you're not doing Christopher Walken. You're doing Jay Moore doing Christopher Walken. Yeah, that's fine. Some of them are like, you know, like Bill Cosby. It's almost for the further away from Bill Cosby or the funnier it is. Yeah. I don't even remember what the real Bill Cosby.

No, Bill Cosby. Well, then he's been down in jail for a while. How was that a restaurant? They took him out of the public eye before having rapes. First of all, did you see he put his penis out to put it into

a little Spanish fly. You go ahead and beat her up and slap her on the face and you rip her pants off and shove her cock into her pussy. Well, there is often time when a bitch doesn't want to get

fucked into pussy. What you gotta do is you gotta set the record straight, you see. Thank you, Mr. Cosby. Can I tell you the Darnest Thing? Yeah, yeah. Shut up. Well, we're doing a show called

Women Say the Darnest Thing. You raped me in the dressing room. Oh, Paul, can you believe what she said? It's, she's crazy. Great. And you all saw a tear on TV. She's crazy.

Every episode is that. And it was like, woo! It turns out she's mentally retarded. Cosby issued a statement after Eddie Murphy made fun of him on SNL and he called him a slave to Hollywood.

You know what you are, Eddie? You're a wretch. I stood up for myself and I took what I wanted. But it's like, where, who is asking a fucking rapist in jail what he thinks of something?

He gets SNL in jail? I guess. Yeah. That's pretty sick. He's also allowed to rape in there. Really? Did you see, have you seen anything with like what Epstein set up was when he actually did that 13 months in Palm Beach? No.

It did not exist until he was sentenced. And then he had a... There was no work. It's a fake company that was created just while he was in prison. It's just an office for him to go to? So it was an office for him to go to and then they had to like bring prison guards and he just paid fucking half a million dollars

basically to like... And then he could have people over whenever he wanted he would like schedule business meetings. In jail? Damn, dude. How come I don't get a set up like that? I'll tell you why. It's just because Epstein... Why Epstein?

All of these guys are... And this... If I was just maybe one of those types of fellows I would have gotten away with it. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, man. We should... We haven't dropped that yet. Well, I think...

37 minutes into the episode. We have to re-review mine. How do you know how far the episode is? No. We started exactly at 5. I think so. I was going to say because you almost nailed it. I was going to say this. Where are we at? Impressive. I thought we started around 5.

Whatever the time version of Dead Reckoning is. What's Dead Reckoning? I have an internal clock. Dead Reckoning is where you kind of like know which direction you're heading. Oh, yeah. I do not have that at all. Well, it's a masculine trait actually to have. So what, bitch? What are you trying to say? I know which direction I'm faced right now.

By the way, I just slapped Adam and he did nothing. Because I'm a masculine man. No, I didn't flinch. And he's feminine. I didn't flinch. Oh, fuck. There's really no application for that one. No. It doesn't come up. It'll never come up. There's no place for it.

It's just like, let's listen to that again. Yep. So Ecuadorian Christmas, huh? Yeah, I can't wait, bro. What do they got fucking? Flon probably. I don't know. Actually, I have relatives from Ecuador.

No, you don't. They're Jews. Silence. I do. I wonder what they were doing over in Ecuador. They owned, I think, like a zipper factor. Yeah. And I'm sure they treated their workers really nicely.

It's a sex-style situation. Yep. Yeah, I'm sure they treated their workers great. It's a country where it's all Hispanic people. And you can treat them however you like. They're great workers. Great workers. They don't know how much things cause. They work very hard.

Yeah, it was the trash. It was the trash. Now that I moved the trash, it's gone away. Oh, good. I was really worried you were about to die. I'm glad you're not having a stroke. That would be so funny if you died during the show. Well, no one would hear it because neither of you know how to upload the episode.

Yeah, but if you get the SD card out. We'd figure it out. I have a kill switch. I have a kill switch that kills both of you. I have a kill switch that kills both of you. What we would do is take the SD card and auction it off to the biggest fucking loser. Oh my god, we'd make probably.

The last episode of Come Town ever. 250k probably minimum. We'd probably make $500 because everyone's poor. Yeah, everyone's poor. But they could all pool their money. That's true. For the episode where Nick dies. Yeah.

Yeah, if Nick died, I guess we'd just keep the Patreon going and hope no one would notice that we weren't, that their cards keep getting charged. And we'd probably get a couple months out of that. We'd probably get a couple of nice months out of that. Yeah, it's the planet fitness business model, right? Yeah, exactly. People just forget that they subscribe.

I mean, you know damn well you would just continue doing the show without me. No way. 100%. There would be maybe a three week break. No, I know. At least five. You go to Greece and Hershey Park. Yeah, I would.

In that order. Yeah, I'd talk to some publishers about my book, my friend Nick. Which Adam has ready to publish it. It's already written at this point. It's about how I was the best friend to him. And I was such a good guy. It's mainly about me.

The weaker relationship that he did like to tell people. Yeah. About all of our activities. I'd be dead at that point. Yeah, when you're dead, who cares? I'd be dead. Yeah, I would lie a ton about you. I'd be going around scaring Hispanic people. Boo!

No! Yeah. No, they're not scary ghosts. They love ghosts because it's their dead relatives. Some guys as another ghost is like, hey man, if you keep doing that show you're not going to get into heaven. I'm at Home Depot. No.

Surrounded by the things I love, scaring the people I hate. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a kinsen year of four blocks away. There's a kinsen that I got a mosey on over to. Boo! Boo! That place up! Did you see that movie, Coco?

Coco wrecked me emotionally, bro. I watched it on a plane. This is something strange. I audibly cried. Oh, I bawled. You got to call. Not Miguel. Not Miguel.

Please don't call me. Please don't call me. Please don't call me. I don't want to know about the ghost. You're something strange. You're soft as dick. What are you going to call? Peanuts.

I'm so afraid of ghost boosting. Ghost boosting. There's no way to ghost boost. What I'm doing for Christmas, Adam. You're watching Whoop? Well, yes, but Christmas Eve, my good buddy George, we're going to see Star Wars

on the mushrooms. I'm the only good God-fearing Christian on this show. I didn't see the last Star Wars, and I probably won't see this one. There's no reason. I mean, just seeing people fucking have meltdowns about it. Did you see that bitch saying she was on the ground wailing in pain,

crying at the misogyny of Star Wars? Oh, that makes me want to see it, though. It's probably funny. I saw the first one as Luke. I saw the first ones of these ones, and it's like, you know... It was the same movie. Yeah, that's the thing.

It was fun. It hit all the notes. It was like a better sequel than the prequels were. But the prequels... I like the third one. But for the prequels for as gay and shitty as they were, they were at least trying to do something different. It's like, okay, we're going to go... We're going to just do something weird

and hope that we can create a different kind of fun than the originalists were. And it missed the mark entirely. They were talking about midichlorians. George Lucas wanted to make this one before Disney bought it. He wanted to explain the science of the force.

It's like, no one gives a fuck. I was thinking about, the other day, if you had never heard of Scientology, it would just sound like something like some black guy was saying at the bus stop while giving advice. Because you've got to think about the Scientology of things.

You've got to clear your things out, brother. You've got to stop thinking like an OG and start thinking like an OT. Yes. You know, man. Look, it's... No, player, I'm talking about computers. There's an alien Z-new one.

Yeah, we're going to hook your ass up to computers, man. This ain't about some old-school religious shit. We got new... You put your hands on these... these tubes. These cans. What are they called? Yeah, and then I got a car battery. Look it. There go your levels.

It's like you're just... it's a guy holding a two extension cords plugged into a TR-808. I don't have the effects on it. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.

It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. I'm a dick-sucking guy and I'm drunk on alcohol. I don't know. It doesn't matter, man. Who fucking cares?

Who gives a shit? I don't give a shit. Jesus can suck my little penis. How am I the only good God-fearing from living, let Christian on this show? I don't mean to break nothing to you, but Christmas happens to be during a fucking pagan holiday.

Okay. Jesus was actually born at a different time of the year. Holy God-fearing Christian on this goddamn show. It was like a Roman gay sex festival that they turned into Christmas. What's wrong with that, dude? That's cool. If it was a gay sex festival, I'd be like, okay, that sounds kind of nice.

So you're not into Christmas because it's pagan? I know. They stole the pagan stuff. The HF Festival, it's the gay sex festival. And Jimmy's chicken shack is at both. Yeah. Ozzy Osbourne. Jimmy Eat World.

Billy Idol. R-E-M. I saw Billy Idol at HF Festival. Billy Idol Rocks, dude. No, I can smell that shit again. What the fuck? I don't smell it, dude. Okay, I understand you guys don't smell it,

but there's something that smells bad. With a hot ass dick, I got fucked, fucked, fucked. With a meth penis. I got fucked. I don't know what the fuck you guys are. Which you admit you have. Got you, bitch.

Sometimes. If I don't shower for a couple days, I mean, but it's like, you know. My balls smell, if I don't do it. Your balls are ripe. Adam's tiny balls. They're not small. Don't say that on the show. Dude, that's reality, man.

You don't have to hide from it. I just have a long scrota. You have tiny little dense balls. They're not small balls. I literally will do it. Alright. Hold on. How are you doing that without even moving your body?

Yeah. What is that? One testicle? One nut. It's pretty big. That is pretty big. Actually, that's smaller than I thought your nuts were. No, you thought his nuts were smaller? I thought your nuts were bigger than that. Because we were on that boat together. That's not a small nut, but yeah.

Adam, pull your nut out. Alright, I guess we're all pulling our nuts out. This is normal size. No, you're squeezing it. I'm not squeezing it. This is my left testicle. That's one little ball. It's not little. Stop it.

That's one little ball. It's wider than I thought it was. And one ball is bigger, right? I think one hangs lower. That's a nice nut. We all have the same. We all have the same. Nick's is pinker.

Mine was kind of yellow. Mine is green. Your nut needs some work, dude. I'm not with the color of your nuts indicates health. Mine are definitely too red. They're red. Your balls were red. Your genitals are red.

I've gotten older and I've gotten red. Like an old man's nose. Like a baboon would be. It's a sign of dominance. It really is very funny. I mean, every time I go into like a YMCA old man naked. Just to see what their genitals.

Honestly, Adam, I'm not convinced that wasn't both. You're not squeezed together. Dude, that was my left nut. That was both. You're not squeezed together. Yeah. Pull them both out, man. You want to see both?

Let me see them both. I got to twist my dick underneath. Yeah, everybody had that's the way. That's the way you pull your balls out. They're not small in tandem. Those are smaller shit. No, they're not. You finessed it to make it look bigger together. Those are little nuts.

I didn't finesse anything. I don't know how you did it. I don't know what kind of trick. How is it possible that the left one is is a big squeezing hard? How do you squeeze? You can't squeeze it to be bigger. It's okay that you have little nuts. I don't have small nuts. You know I do ropes.

That's not what I hear. No, come on. Peter North vibes. That actually has nothing to do with your nuts. That's more your prostate. Yeah, it's your ass. Yeah, it's what's going on in your ass. It comes from my ass.

Adam's getting his prostate just straight up massage. You know what you're right. Yeah, I put out loads. Sometimes before I even come, they're just being squeezed out of me somehow. I don't know what it is. But somehow, it's as if I'm being milked.

A little drip. A little cock drip. I don't understand how that works. Listen everyone, if you're listening right now and you have a group of friends, pull out your nuts. That's the come town Christmas tradition. On Jesus' birthday,

make sure you know who's got the biggest nuts in your crew. Who's got red nuts? It's good. It's a community thing. Yeah. Go get that checked out, Nick. Go get your red nuts checked out. I don't know. But I definitely remember not having red nuts.

Yeah, they were red. They shrunk and they turned red. At some point. My shits stay plump and they stay nice and tanned. Honestly, I do think it is from I started wearing compression. I'm wearing briefs right now.

Well, I used to just wear briefs. I wear boxer briefs and then I got into like, and it was also when I found that fucking cyst I got my shit chained up I fucking remembered that. I forgot about that. I think it fucked my shit up to have compressed nuts all the time.

You gotta let those boys breathe. Well, I don't know. Who gives a shit, right? Honestly, red is a power move. You pull those nuts out and they're bright, beat red. It'll scare a bitch, dude. And that'll get her to suckin' quick. You see, what you gotta do

is you gotta get your bright, bright, bright red to scare a bitch. It's fight or flight at that point, dude. You know, either she runs or she starts suck fighting, which is sucking. Dick, what are you looking at?

Huh? Tell me a text message from who? From my neighbor. Do you want to have sex with them? No, you know my name. With a horn as dick. I want my momma

penis. When it comes to cock, I want momma momma. Oh, yeah. You know, I miss having a Christmas tree. I haven't done anything like that in a while. Maybe next year. I love Christmas trees. They make your house smell really nice.

You never had one. No, but I've been in a house with a Christmas tree. It smells nice. I kind of might do it next year. Maybe I'll just start celebrating Christmas. They smell nice. Christmas is so nice. I've been jealous of it my whole life. Everyone seemed so happy. Like in my neighborhood, I'd see kids

riding their new bike. Just the thought of going to bed and in the morning you wake up and you have presents. It's incredible. It must be the most exciting feeling in the world. It was such a part of my childhood. I cannot believe you never experienced that. It's so sad. I was so fucking sad

and depressed. My entire upbringing. I wanted Santa to be real. I didn't even have Santa. Did you break it to the Christians or if he wasn't? Once I found out, of course I did. I was like, you know your parents are lying to you.

You fucking faggot. You fucking sheep. You fucking idiot. You live in an apartment. How would you even get in? What's the best present you ever got for Hahanuka? I've never got any good presents. I'm pretty sure my parents stole all of my...

write me a check and then they'd be like we'll put it in your bank account. And I never saw that shit. That went right up your dad's ass. I don't know where my apartment... I didn't get very much money. Some of my friends cleaned up. My friend David

had his apartments for the four seasons and he got his mom to rent him a white tuxedo with tails and a white bow tie. Sounds pretty cool. Fuck dude. I wonder what my best present ever was. I remember

getting Super Nintendo and my dad said I need you to help me get something out of the trunk and I opened the trunk and I saw the Super Nintendo and I flipped. How did you see it? Your dad forgot that was in there and he's like

oh yeah, it's for you. 13 hours later him quietly deleting a Craigslist post about looking for a couple of fellas to come over and play Super Nintendo. Play some Donkey Kong. Pants off. Just like a couple of boys having a sleepover.

Nothing gay. Nothing gay. Maybe later we'd discover pornography together and have a group wank. He did actually legitimately get addicted to my Super NES. Really? What was he playing?

Mario. No. What was the girls game for Mario? Princess. Well, I also used to have Mario paint. I used to make beats on there. You can make songs. Sure you did. You made beats. You weren't just drawing pictures of yourself as a girl.

No, I wasn't. Trying to figure out how to play Havana and Aguila on Mario paint doesn't count as making games. He's just like playing some gay game where he makes little gay ass music and he's like yeah, I made beats. I was black. I was a black kid

making rap music and I'm playing something. You know about how I feel about hip hop culture, dude. You don't like it. You don't like it. You hate it. You try to run it out of bedside. Stop listening to it. It's too loud.

Stop it with the with the hip hop. Have you ever seen Fiddler on the roof? Of course. Is it good? It's kind of kind of tight actually. I kind of like musicals though. Yeah. How about Fiddler on the tooth and he's like

maybe try not biting my penis so much. I kind of want to do this. I guess we'll have somebody else be an iCarly then. If I was a rich man I would have my own island where I could do whatever I want. If I had all the money in the world it's really good. I would rape a bunch of little girls

If I were a rich man Little Clinton would come to my house on the island We would be friends I would be friends with Bill Gates and Bill Clinton If I was a rich man Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein Alan Dershowitz

Alan Dershowitz Oh, fuck you. And it's true because it's Jewish. It's a Jewish movie. No, it worked well. That's what's beautiful. That's the best kind of comedy. You're speaking truth to power.

No worries, man. Nick's going to dig in the crate for some clips. Damn. Have you ever experienced a Christmas? Did you ever get a Christmas? Yeah, I dated a girl who lived in northern suburbs, Chicago

and had my first Christmas there. In Shytown? But like John Hughes vibes. I can't find it but it's the episode where they go to Lake Forest or what? They go to Thomas Edison's the Thomas Edison Museum

and the tour guide is like here's a question for you folks how many geniuses does it take to invent a light bulb? Just one. Thomas Edison. And then the crowd's like and then with the banter or whatever, some lady goes

it's funny and it's true too. I used to love that shit when they would do like crowd reactions. The crowd reactions are great. Slide like some dumb lines in there. Oh yeah, he's doing the finger thing. The finger's the best axis.

Ah, fuck dude. RIP even though it's still going. My dick. I watched a clip from Cats the other day so I was trying to, like I kept seeing kind of looks like one of the Cats Cats.

Made some dumb joke about it but I've never seen Cats. I just remember do you remember the fucking like infomercials they had or like the commercials they had for the Cats, the film version of the Cats musical that used to be on TV? I do not. He used to play them all the time it was like, you know, call now

and you can get, you know, whatever. It was for like PBS, if you donate or something. And they would just play an excerpt from the magical Mr. Mistoffally's song and the only thing I ever knew about Cats was there was a character named the magical Mr. Mistoffally. I actually knew that so maybe in my subconscious I know about this commercial.

So I watched the clip of that song and good lord just fucking of all the theaters that have been shot up that none of them have been in Cats. Dude, I wanted to see Cats live. I kept trying to get you guys to go to Broadway with me. It's awful. That's why I wanted to go.

It's fucking, I love things that are hard. Yeah, when are we going to take Molly? It is awful. It really just pissed me off watching it. I would go see a Broadway musical. Just the boys, yeah. It's funny. It's weird.

I've never been to one. I really think about it does bother me on a visceral level and it's weird because I'm sure and this is just going to sound gay in a different way. It's literally probably just some kind of homophobia. It's that it's so fucking gay

that it bothers me, but it's like if I just do gay guys like fucking each other or holding hands, I'd be like, okay. That's honest. That's honest gayness. They're good hardworking homosexuals. There's something about Cats that just fucking pisses me off. But it's not even made by a gay guy.

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's not gay. That guy's definitely gay, dude. He wrote too many musicals to be straight. I'm going to play this clip and let's see if you don't. I don't know what it is because it's insane to me that I'm homophobic in the sense that I make gay jokes all the time.

But I'm not homophobic in the sense that I have a problem with gay people or that anything they do bothers me except when they do the musical Cats. And I don't know. Dude, you're telling me this guy's face is not the face of a homosexual. No, he was married to that lady that was in his place.

Sarah or something. Come on, dude. Are you fucking joking? Look at his body, dude. It's just by its cover, soft. No, that's a man that likes getting fucked in the ass. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, he's in the theater.

Maybe he does it all, you know? Yeah, that's true. Maybe he's bi. Well, it starts off and there's a gay cat like fucking like, ooh, who's ready for some magic? And it's already terrible. And then they bring out the magical Mr. Mestofles who's somehow even gayer than the first guy.

Look, there's cats and they're like kissing each other. They're having simulated cat sex. Are they singing that song Midnight from Cats? It's a good song. From Cats is a good song. Right?

What's gay about this? This is not Mr. Mestofles. He's introducing Mr. Mestofles. This is pretty straight to me so far. The magicians have something to learn from Mr. Mestofles from Jarring Town. This is cool.

I'm vibing with this. This song is good. We should have seen Cats on Broadway, dude. What are you doing? What are you doing? Turn your phone. It doesn't unless you blow it up. Damn, I'm going to go watch that.

Andy's a magician. It's not enough that he's a fucking cat. He's going to be a magician too. What this plays about is about cats with jobs and stuff, right? It's like a town full of cats. I thought he had the head of the cat. He had like, it's wrong.

It's wrong for cats to do magic. It's against God. I'll be watching Rent. Rent is a lot cooler. You're getting a face time. That sucks. I was vibing with that, dude. That song rocked.

I want to go see that shit, dude. It's embarrassing. Yeah, it is. Why is it embarrassing? First of all, we know what it is. This is how Nick, I've seen Nick get like this only once before and it was about Billie Eilish

about how you're like, she fucking sucks. No, he didn't get like this. You got mad at her. I don't think Billie Eilish sucks. Not that she sucks. There's nothing indistinguish Billie Eilish's music. I don't understand why it's like

super popular. It's completely different. But yeah, I don't know. This sucks. It's like one of those things where if I saw it as a kid I would be like, just stop. I'm embarrassed. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. You watch TV and you would see somebody do something

like fucking like, I'm going to prove I'm going to ask Mary Ann out in front of the whole school and you're like, just stop. Oh yeah, I know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Whatever that feeling was it's almost it's literal. I mean, this word has been ruined by the internet,

but it's cringing. It is. It's fucking cringeworthy. Oh yeah, I get that a lot. I'm like, I'm nervous for someone. But that I didn't get that at all from the Mr. Moustaphalese clip. What I got was wonder and merriment. And honestly, I was interested to see

Mr. Moustaphalese. I kind of want to see him. Can we see him? Can you finish playing that song? Yeah, we'll watch it. Let's watch the rest of this and then we'll say Merry Christmas. This is going to end with us watching the entire musical.

I kind of want to see what happens. It's gay, right? Let's watch it again. I know. I know one song from Katz that's very good. Yeah. Woo. Mr. Moustaphalese is so cool. He's an intro-ing, Mr. Moustaphalese.

That's what I mean. That's how cool he is. That's Rum Tum Tugger. Rum Tum Tugger is pretty cool. And that's how cool Mr. Moustaphalese is. I'm about to go home and watch. Touching his balls. I want to see him. Katz do that. They lick their genitals.

He really is. Let's see him. Here he is. That's it. Hell yes, dude. Hell yes, dude. Good. Yes, this motherfucker's got to light up. Oh, shit.

Wow, he does lighten it, bro. Okay, I show you what you mean. This is incredibly homosexual right now, yes. But in a good way. My man has lighten it. This is what being gay is. Then sign me up, bro. This is how good Mr. Moustaphalese is.

What the fuck? He's a superhero. He's got lightning, dude. So he doesn't even sing his own song? He's not talking? No, this other guy sings his song while he dances around like that. Does he ever sing? Damn, we really should have seen this song.

I told you, dude. I wanted to see cats. Dude, hell yes, dude. That's a power move. You don't speak, you just have a fucking guy that sings for you. He's probably such a dick, also. He probably gets head from Rum Tum Toga. He gets head from Rum Tum Toga.

He makes a rainbow. It's a ribbon dance. Yeah, a rainbow ribbon. I love him, dude. You can't print any of these cats. They're not real cats. What if I started doing that? This is a Greek guy.

I thought it was going to be you. I was hoping it was a fat cat. M-I-S-T-O-U-F-L-O-U-S. Didn't we do that riff on a live show, actually? That was good, whatever it was. We should have kept recording those, man. Yeah. Anyway, folks, that's Christmas.

That's the Christmas episode. We pulled our nuts out. Maybe we should, maybe we should on principle go-see-cats. The movie? I'm so down. I could go tonight. I told you I'm making latkes. I invited both of you. Shut up.

Shut up about your latkes. I thought it would be fun. We'll go-see-cats, and then we'll go to Veselka and get potato pancakes. I'm trying to do all the holidays. I'm doing Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. Matt, I didn't think about until afterwards, but the Jersey City shooting to be like,

wow, I guess some people do celebrate Kwanzaa anyway. Come on, bro. I didn't know people actually celebrated Kwanzaa. Maybe we can see Kwanzaa on Thursday. On Thursday, I'm down. Before we record. Yeah, that sounds great. We could do a full Kwanzaa episode for the Patreon.

I just want to say that I'm going to be trying to squash this beef between the Black Israelites and the Orthodox Jews. Yeah, you're the guy to do that. Yep, we're going to have a hip-hop sort of like, bro. Mario Paint, when I was a-

We're going to be having a hip-hop summit. The Orthodox Jews, the Black Israelites, and me. You're going to play them your beats, and it's just like, Adam isn't gay, Adam isn't gay. I have a prepared motivational speech that I do at community colleges, elementary schools

about how I grew up in rough circumstances, did every drug, sucked every dick, and now I've got my life together. It was wild when they brought those guys and sucked dick to you. They just paraded those guys in front of you and like, don't end up like these fucking losers.

No, but now he's okay. So listen, you don't want to be like him. Yeah. Well, come see- Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. The next funny moment is what? The next month? Yeah. Oh no, I'm sorry, the 13th.

The next Fat Tuesdays is on the 7th. And like I said, I'm all over the place. Milwaukee, Appleton, Chicago, Providence, Texas, fucking DC Draft House, Tucson, and then London, and fucking Dublin, and all those tickets are on sale,

Stavi.bass. Yes, dude. Take us out, Mr. Mipha Stoffelies. Yo, yeah, let's hear some more. Oh, behind the scenes. I want to hear what these people sound like. No, I want to hear Mr. Mipha Stoffelies saying they love to.

You love cats. Let's go see it on Thursday. Is it anywhere on- I want to see it on Broadway. Yeah, the movie probably- The movie probably regular sucks. Yeah, that's true. It's probably way better to see it on Netflix. Thank you, Mr. Mipha.