The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 188 – Hindsight

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Is 2020. Damn that feels bad ass to asy

I am my dick. I am my dick. It's a new action movie where I get transformed into my own penis. And I have to, um, yeah, something like that. What's this, this will come out January. What? What's today? Monday.

So this is the regular one? January 1st, it's New Year's Day. Oh, Happy New Year everyone. Happy New Year everyone. Wow, 2020. We're looking ahead to brighter and bigger things. We're getting, I'll tell you something. We're getting drum fat out of there.

I'm getting the surgery. Adam is getting his cocks widened. No, I'm getting the foreskin reattachment. Are you? And rhinoplasty. That's a big year. And a chin implant. You're going to look like Hot Squidward?

Just have your nose moved to your chin. I have my nose. And then have your arms and legs removed and your spine elongated. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about changing my appearance. To become a snake. Snake. That's cool. Snake.

That would be cool. And then your chin nose can suck up all the coins underneath. That would be good. Totally. Now, if you're a snake, what happens to your penis? I ever tell you my idea. You put it on your back? My idea for a trans surgery because you can do whatever you want with them.

Oh yeah, there's no like, there's no consistent things. It's kind of like some doctors are figuring it out. Yeah, I don't know why none of them thought this is the best one is you take the arms and legs and you just reverse them. So the legs and arms face the other direction. And then you shave the back of the person's head and tattoo a woman's face. That's really good. On the back of their head.

And their ass is a pussy. And then grow. Yeah, and then they can get fucked in their ass is a pussy, but they still. You draw a clit on top. Yeah, well, you know, whatever. So what do they have? Do they have some kind of glasses that lets them see behind them? No, they just they're just bumping into things, but they got that pussy. Right.

Like, you know, I mean, there's people are. How about this? Why don't I put your people? Why? Why not? They're not blind people that have to walk backwards everywhere. Yeah, that's why you reverse their arms and legs. So they would be walking normally.

They would be walking normally, but yeah, I guess they would just cut their head off and swivel it because you can't come on. That's ridiculous. They did a head reattachment. Didn't they? Not backwards. Wouldn't that be easier? Theoretically?

Absolutely. Your own body to reattach to your own body backwards. I think they did a new face on someone. Do they do a whole head? Give them eyes on the back of their head. That's not how it works. Why wouldn't it? Why don't you give them long ass eyes by balls?

That would be nice. It turns all the way around. No, all they need. Because sometimes if you're if you like all they would need is like when you're when you're riding a bike, sometimes they have helmets that kind of look like rear view mirrors, where they have something like that. So you give them glasses so they can see behind them. And then we're in business.

Okay. That's all that's all you need glasses, special glasses. What about so their hair would flip around. I guess you just give them a wig. You give them a wig to cover their face part. What about their nose? Their ears would be backwards too. You know how they call wigs and it's for your hair?

Yeah. Why don't they call blackface? I don't know. Okay, well it's a mask that makes your skin. I don't know and I don't want to think about it any further. The skin, the other color. And it's like wig. As of right now I don't know and I don't want to give it any more thoughts.

It's like wig. Okay. And we're back. That's cool. It would be funny to have an ass in front. Everyone wants to know about the Jake and Lewis thing. And it is true. They did kiss.

I knew it. And I actually beat off to that possibility. Yeah. Thinking that it might happen. Yeah. Jake showed up on his bike with his milkshake. Yep. And then ready to do, he was going to throw it at Lewis.

And Lewis was like, don't stop. Stop that Tom. Stop. I'm gay. I'm gay. Wait, you're gay too? Whoa. Wow.

You're also gay. I didn't know we were both gay. And then he's like, guess what? There's come in this milkshake. Yeah. And he's like, yeah. And Lewis is like. Can I have some?

Of course. Everyone from Mexico is gay. Oh. The Puerto Rican versus the Mexican. No. Yeah. The Jake and Lewis thing. I don't know what it's about, but neither of those guys are white.

So it's none of my business. That's true. We'll let the authorities figure it out. We'll let our boys in blue get to the bottom of that one. Right. Two Latinos having a shoving match, dude. Sounds like 25 to life to me. Yeah.

Around white people that were just trying to eat their pizza. Oh, yeah. Which has great. By the way, the Stan Comic-Con restaurant, great food. Great burger. So there's a guy trying to eat his fucking stand burger. Yeah. By himself and all of a sudden.

They say a stand burger. It's a double. It's great. And all of a sudden he's got fucking Puerto Rican spit on his fucking pickles. Yeah. Gotta get the police involved there. It was funny. Diego Lopez was there.

Wow. And he teaches all the comedians karate. Yeah. So like they're sweating off or whatever. And it's like, you know, this is your fault. You made all these people think they're Karate. You did it. This is your fault.

Karate. They're teaching them karate. This is 100. That's true. And guess what? His name checks out. Yeah. He's got to go too.

Build a motherfucking wall, baby. Yeah. I'm teaching all the comedians how to use guns. I'm teaching a bunch of insecure people how to fucking do violence. How to do violence. As self-defense. Yeah. How to fucking lose.

Narcissists. From the things they think they heard somebody say about. Yeah. Yeah, the only thing stopping that from happening is that they all still have like, you know, the body of like Catherine Mannheim. Every comedian is. It was weird because it's like at a certain point, like, you know, Louis was like still screaming.

And I was like, all right, man, come on. Yeah. And I went up to him and I touched his midsection, which I've done a couple of times. Yeah. And God Jesus Christ. He's getting fat. It's a disaster. Yeah.

I mean, we shared a hotel room one time and he came because his head doesn't get fat. Yeah. His head and arms are normal. Yeah. But he came out of the shower and I was like, good Lord. I mean, it's like from the neck down is fupa. Respect. It's different kinds of fupa.

Respect. No, you look normal. No, but I wish I had a normal head. You look fat. My fucking under my chin. Yeah. You got a double chin. Yeah.

But no, you're first of all. It makes sense. There's no surprises with you. Well, you were just pointing to it. I can talk about it. Okay. All right. Your chin is a regular chin.

Your chin's gorgeous. No. Now you're going too far in the pot. Oh, fuck your chin. Why do you get to move through life so gracefully? Thank you for saying that. There's no inconsistencies. That's right.

That's true. That's right. You take off your shirt. You're real. Your body is as fat and round as your head. Exactly. I would say, Hold on your pants.

That's a fat man's little penis right there. That's a fat man's little dick. And I'll say this, it's fat, but everything's gorgeous. Uh-huh. So it's like, I'm fat, but I'm the roundest, smoothest type of fat. I have a little dick, but it's cute. It's like heaven mercury. Yeah.

Is it bad on gas? Sure. In the transmission, it'll fuck up on you. Yeah. Look at this. We got land-out bars. That's right. Beautiful.

Cleans. You're like in a carriage. Oil this motherfucker up. Look how pretty he looks. Like the Marquis de Monsure. Monsure. Sure. Monsure.

Whatever. Look, lady. What does this look like to you? A library? Look, bitch. Buy the fucking car. Buy the car, you fucking bitch. Buy the car.

Start sucking, horde. Start sucking the show. No, no, no. From now on, we got to talk about some fucking shit. We're going to talk about it the way we fucking want. Like guys who love fucking women. This is a Christian program now. Oh yeah.

We're not cussing. Jesus fucking Christ. I love the fucking Lord. And I want to fucking him and his fucking family. Ah, fuck. You want to die in a fat bitch? So you guys have any New Year's plans? You see this?

I got this for Christmas. Get him my cock polished. Oh, sure. Sorry for putting my cup on it. Yeah, blood meridian. But in Chinese. Oh. So, you know, I'll never read it, but I don't read books in English when people get them

for me. That's true. It looks cool. In a show, if you think about it, it's like I did read it. I read it as much as I would read a book in English. Exactly. You treated it the same way. I treated it the same way.

You would any other book. So in a way, I read Chinese. If you think about it. I don't read Chinese. By the transitive property. For the same reason that I don't read English. Well, I don't know about that. You're capable of reading.

Lodge it. No, I'm capable of reading it. I don't know if you are. I am. Look. Here. Read it aloud. Let's get some aloud reading.

Z-cross. Box. Slash. Microwave. Yeah. The squiggly. Prayer hands. The squiggly J-hook box.

When squiggly slash circle square. That's correct. Pointy. Pointy. Shishu. Okay. We'll just go right to the Q&A section. Dude, we should get dim sum.

I got dim sum. I've convinced Barnes & Noble that I am the translator of this book and we're now doing a Q&A section. I can't answer anything. I have a question. There's a Chinese lady. Oh. Qingwen.

Qingwen. I'm like, okay. Yeah. I'm like, okay. Next question. I have a question, sir. Yeah, ma'am. Sir.

I can read Chinese. I can understand. Hold on. I have a question, ma'am. The fat but consistent man. Thank you. I would say. The round oiled gentleman.

Thank you. I am oiled up. His tooth is missing. Q&A. Yeah. No. The other. The fat man with the missing tooth.

Yep. He's bald also. I think everybody gets it, sir. He's consistent. Can I ask my question? Yeah. He's consistent. Can I ask my question?

With the bald man. Okay. Who's also fat and his penis is small. You don't know that. Yeah. You only know that if you ask him. Attention, Barnes & Noble customers. You don't know that.

With the fat man with the blue pants. Who told the guy on the over thing? His very small. Small penis. I'm not. I'm covering because I'm wearing pants. Like everybody else. Even smaller because his balls are too big.

I do have big balls. Can I please ask my question? The customer with the black Toyota Corolla covered in chocolate. Please. It's not covered. The handle might have a little chocolate on it. Toyota Corolla with all four reels blown out. Please answer.

That's just because I use cheap tires. It's not because I'm fat. Anyway, my question was do the characters in Chinese blood meridian have smaller penises than American blood meridian? Yes. Next question. Does everyone eat lo mein in this version? Instead of whatever hard tack or whatever the fuck.

Yeah. It's got to be crazy for Chinese people to read this. You know, because they're like going around cutting people's scalps off and like. Yep. And the Chinese people are like, so. They're keeping. Did the productivity fall off at the factory? Wow.

So what? I wonder what they make of that retard in the cage. Yeah. That's the only daughter in the story. You got to save it. Savor. They execute baby Jerry. Is there any pussy getting in blood meridian?

I was starting to read it and I got bored because it was fucking long. It's just an Indian guy learning about China and the one child policy is like, oh my God. They kill the baby girls instead of making them sweet mommas. There are one million baby girls. Bro, hold on. Hold on. I figured it out. Yeah.

We do detente. We play the Indians against the Chinese by telling them they're killing all the baby girls. Is that what detente means? Yeah. You play them off each other, motherfucker. It's new detente. New detente.

They did China versus Russia. Now we're doing India versus China. That was just one of those vocab words from high school where I was like, no, Nixon, Nixon, Nixon went over there playing ping pong. You motherfuckers. Now I ain't trying to be learning anything. My man, Richard. I got Milhouse.

I get an A and AAV even though I'm not participant. They should offer that in high schools. How fucking sick would that be? Just an alternative high school where they offer AAV. They're for sure going to do that in like Park Slope at Montessori. My son's taking AAV. He's got straight A's. It's his favorite class.

The black kids still fail somehow. They just make them. They make the curriculum against them. He's out in the hallway. The test questions don't make sense. He's out in the hallway. He's like, all right, y'all. Yeah, I'll see y'all later.

Yeah, yeah. No, we'll link up after lunch, man. I'll be seeing you, man. Then he goes in the classroom. Good morning, teacher. How are you doing today? You're like, Lamar, just talk how you do. No, I...

Sean Connery, just talk the way you do outside of the class. You can do it if you just try. I was thinking they would rig it like they used to do the SLTs. You're the man now, dog. Yeah, just stand and deliver. Just stand and talk the way you normally do. They're like, we aren't going to learn anything, teacher. Do you think you can bring your ass, which is made of crackers, into this office thusly?

Thusly? Dude, it's so funny. In high school, the Mexican kids used to pretend that they couldn't speak Spanish. So they wouldn't have to test out. So they would have to take... I swear, I don't know how to speak Spanish. Why would they pretend not to know how to speak Spanish? Because then they would make the thing another language.

They could just take the test. Yeah, then they'd have to take French or something. You're not allowed to take Spanish if you already knew Spanish. You have to have a foreign language. But they have a foreign language. No, but if you speak it... That's fucking retarded. That's like, oh, this kid already knows math, so...

He's not allowed to take... I get your point, but I see what they're saying, too. I think they're probably right, but it seems like they don't need to learn. They want them to be challenged. No, that is literally racist. It probably is. No, it's fucking racist. If you have the fucking skill set, you can't take the class based on what?

No, I mean, they did. They just said they didn't speak Spanish. It's cheating when fucking Mexican kids do it, but literally any other skill you could possibly have. Yeah, you have Jewish kids in there busting their asses every single day, trying to learn a Spanish. Making it harder for the Jews. I'm just saying somebody should shoot up that school.

And they're killing my curve, baby. Oh, yeah, that is true. That is fucked up. Yeah, they're trying to protect... Yeah, exactly. They didn't even have to say it. Are you mad about that? No, I mean, because the school wouldn't be like, you know how to speak Spanish.

They would just be like, all right, you can take the class. My friend... They'd be like, no, I don't know how to speak it. And then just like take naps and stuff. That rules good for them. Yeah, good for them, honestly. My friend Goss, I got fuck it. He was in...

I remember he was in ESOL, like English and Second Language, but he didn't really know Greek. If they don't... He was just stupid as shit. If the teachers didn't know that. If they're not allowed to take Spanish, they also shouldn't have to speak English in the rest of their classes.

Yeah, that's true. Everybody else is coming in with one fucking language. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I went to Gino's Steaks High School. Famous Philadelphia High School. Does his gay son own it now? Yeah. Gino has a gay son?

Yeah. That rules. He's a gay son who's just as racist. He's just as racist? Yeah. No solidarity there. Yeah, well, I hear people say that the gay white people are even more racist somehow.

Yeah, I buy that. Or something. Or something. I certainly buy that. I think that there are some of the worst people in the world. To be honest with you. It's... Yeah.

Or at least that they're very racist within the LGBTQ... LGBTQ County. LGBTQ County community. Oh, man. Somebody used to start calling PG County that. LGBTQ? Yeah. Where you guys live?

Yeah. In the county? LGBT County? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I think it would be a little hard to figure out what you're getting at. If I just heard LGBTQ, I wouldn't necessarily... I would think of the ladies PGA. Yeah.

But LGBTQ County, what do you mean? When you say like LGBT? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm good off that. I'm good off that. Nah, nah, nah, nah. I miss me with that. I was laughing about going to rock climbing, but not wanting to wear the dumb rock climbing shoes.

You're going like Tim's, and you're like sagging, and you're like fucking... You're already sagging, but then your pants come down, everyone can see, and you're up your ass, and you're halfway up, and you're like nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, chill. Nah, nah, nah. Stop looking up my ass. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. So you're just someone's looking into your ass, like your cheeks are actually spread?

You're halfway stuck up there. Nah, nah. Oh yeah, I guess because you're probably spreading your legs to climb. To climb, yeah. Yeah. To go up to the top of the rock. I just watched that movie over Thanksgiving free solo with my dad. What's that about the new Star Wars movie?

No, no, no, that's a hot solo. I've been keeping count. There are now 480 Star Wars movies. I saw, yeah. You saw the new one, but you're on Mushy's. I was on Mushrooms, and I really only know what happened in like the last part. Yeah, you went viral for doing Mushrooms. You had a big post.

You had a big post, all the right wing accounts on it. Yeah. So maybe you should think about who you're, what kind of people you're. I was on the front page of Breitbart. Did they, should I do a rebrand? Well, they said that because Shane let them down, you're going to be the new hope of conservative right wing comedy. Dude, absolutely.

If I can get on Mike Huckabee's show, yeah, I'm in. Dude, shout out. I wanted to make my late night debut on Mike Huckabee's show. Dude, have you ever seen his like, his like, him doing stand up at the beginning of the show? Mike Huckabee. It's insane. Hold on.

Nick's going to do something. All right. Yeah, Nick. What was that? Mike Huckabee. Yeah, absolutely. You got, if you want to have, I can't do him. Yeah.

I don't know what he sounds like. If you want to have a guy, you say it. Yeah, he sounds like a nerd. Not like me. I sound cool. Yeah. If you want to have sex with a child, maybe I go get a massage after this. I limp my ass down.

Why don't you massage my penis with your tongue? Do you think that'll help? That'll help. My friend Ben. That'll help. Hit Mike. My friend like works in restaurants and he said that there's a really good place where it's like 40 bucks or something.

It's funny. It's because, you know, do they suck you off? He's on his feet all the time. So his back sucks. Do they suck you off? I'm considering getting sucked. No, he said it's not a suck off place. They know they suck you off.

They beat you off. No, you can get a condom blow job. Those were the options. Maybe I'll get sucked off one time. What? I've been thinking about, because I got, I was getting a massage. Honestly, if the massage was nice, it would be nice. Right.

I got a great massage and I was so relaxed. It would be a nice punctuation mark. And she started getting close to my cock and I guess just rubbing my thigh. And I was like, I wasn't thinking about this when I came in. But if she started joking about it. I only like going if I already have a problem. I don't know, like what kind of like, you know, knots or adhesions you get in like underneath your shoulder blade, but I always get those.

And when I would go and just get that like fucked up. Yeah, you, yeah, that was the best. Yeah. These bitches had fucking rough ass hands. Come here. I got a massage right before going to Greece and I felt bad. I went to like a fancy day spa once in Manhattan. You mean a gay spa?

A gay spa. And. Gotcha. It was, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't a home. It wasn't. Got him. But the guy. Fuck.

The guy fucked my back up. That's the only like with his penis. No, he blew my back. No, he just wasn't a good massage. What if he had a huge? I paid like, I paid like $150. $100. Listen to this.

We had a huge penis and he got it hard and he used it kind of like a foam roller. Uh-huh. And he would have to. Exactly. He had the kind of core strength where he could use his cock like a thing. And he was tiny also, but a huge penis. Yeah. What if that, what if that was the best massage of all time?

That would have been better. Would you get it? Yeah. Why the hell not, dude? Raw penis on back. Oh, I thought you were a towel. He would wear, he would not wear a condom. He wouldn't wear, you know.

I don't want to go get it. Would you hold on, Nick? Would you get that massage? No, cause foam roller would suck. Well, it's the best, but hold on. You didn't hear what I said. I need more, I need more pressure. You didn't hear what I said.

Maybe somebody with the pointy is sticking. That's the general concept, but it happens to be the best massage of all time. No. Maybe if it was somebody. But it will be. But he also comes on you at the end. A very sharp penis. Fine.

He has that kind of penis. Yeah. And he busts a load at the end. He gets into like a T position. Yeah. And balances himself. Okay. Like, you know, one of those, one of those eagles.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Bring the elementary school and you're like, guess who's Lauren Magic over the weekend? Fucking faggots. Yep. I remember that.

Everyone's like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Give me, I want it. It's mine now. Now I'm doing the magic. Now I've got magic. You're actually gay. You're fucking gay and I'm not.

I remember elementary school. It's so funny. It's just the gayest toys that like would be popular. Dude, the yo-yo era? I remember this Korean kid had like an eyeball that was like, so it was like a ball, but then inside the ball, it like suspended in like oil or something was like a plastic eyeball. So you would roll it and the eyeball would always stay. Yeah.

Those things are cool. I'll fuck with that. That's like a gyroscope. Yeah. It's like from a quarter of a machine. He let me borrow it for the summer in between first and second grade. What? I love Korea.

Yeah, dude. He's the nicest guy. Was he trying to fuck you? No. I think that was just part of their culture as you give a white man an eyeball. I remember. His grandma was like, you, this will be a curse on him. Yeah.

They were spying on you. Yeah. Right. It's their fucking ancestor's eyeball, dude, from the tomb. Their grand-sister. From, say, Seoul. You know, I think about my grand-sisters. My grand-sisters would say about this.

Do you guys remember the yo-yo era? Yeah. Walking the dog. Yo-yos came back. I tried. I tried. Yo-yo once and couldn't do it. No.

It's like, this is fake. Fancy-ass yo-yos came back for a while. I love those. Yeah. I remember. Fuck. I'm going down memory lane. Sleeping.

You remember trying to sleep a yo-yo, but it would just turn sideways. I hated that. Yeah. What the fuck was that? My friend got nailed real hard in the nards once with someone yo-yowing. Yo-yowing. Good. Yeah.

And it was very funny. Dude, when I fucking rocked the cradle successfully, is there a better feeling than doing that little triangle shit? Yeah. And rocking the fucking cradle? Probably getting your dick sucked on heroin. I think true love, true love might be a better feeling. No, no.

True love. No. If I had to pick one, I would pick Nick's. Meeting the one, maybe. Would they suck your dick on heroin? Maybe meeting the one and doing heroin while they suck your dick. That would be pretty sick. Then breaking up with them.

Yeah. Right after you nut. Sooner than you can meet right after you nut. So you can meet the two. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the number two, getting fucked in my ass. Yeah. Yeah.

What the hell? Who said that? Yeah, just a Mormon guy that's like, I think you're the seven. I've never met anybody like you that made me feel like you're the seventh person for me. Oh, fuck. What a crazy religion. It's like you can get as much pussy as you want, but you got to dress gay and you got to smile all the time.

You got to be incredibly nice, not cuss. That is a fucked up trade off. Yeah. Yeah. Wealthy. I can't fucking celebrate how much pussy I'm getting by yelling at people. By wearing sweatpants and cutting people off in traffic. And saying fuck you.

And going bitch. In traffic. Saying that shit to people. Bitch. Bitch. And cutting them off. Bitch. Shut up.

I just fucked. I'm on my way to GameStop. I just got ahead, bitch. I just got ahead. I'm going to go by COD. I'm going, yep. And fucking, and then living off my girlfriend. I'm getting another GameCube controller, bitch.

Yeah. It sucks because it's like you can't really be that guy in your thirties. Yeah. You can. You can be that guy at 21 and it rocks. You're the coolest guy of all time. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm driving my, I'm drunk driving my girlfriend's car. Yeah. I'm driving my drunk driving my girlfriend's car to GameStop. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone kind of laughs it off. Like I was 20. Yeah.

That's just what, it's your life at 19. Yeah. And you do that at 33. Mm-hmm. Jesus year. Fucking Darren Aronofsky movie. That's right. So what are your guys' New Year's resolutions?

Nothing. Double the bread, double the head every year, dude. Yeah. I'm going to make fresh pasta this year. I'm going to fucking lame. I'm going to learn 19. It tastes so much better than... Not completely fluent.

Well, then I'm not going to make you any. Fuck. Really? Yeah. I was going to invite you over for fresh pasta sometime. Yeah. Do you're going to have a pasta maker? I want to get a KitchenAid, Nate.

You can get an attachment to fresh pasta. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What is that? The food processor to KitchenAid? No. KitchenAid is like that big thing with the bowl.

It's up there. Nick has one. Oh, shit. Is that a KitchenAid? No. That's a mixer, dude. Yeah. What are you fucking...

You make cakes, Nick? KitchenAid is a brand. Yeah, but it's also... A mixer is also called a KitchenAid. I got, you know, pancakes and shit. It's great for... Yeah. What you need it for is like making dough and stuff.

Well, there's an attachment for that that's like a crank that you can... It spits out what makes pasta. You can feed pasta through it. Or like you make the... That makes me horny. I made pierogies with it. That was the first thing I did. Okay.

So I made some dough. Okay, young Nicholas. Rolled that shit out. Nick's getting nice, dude. I mean, it was... And then what I did was I blended some liverwurst and then put that with caramelized onions. I'm listening. And then I made pierogies.

Inside that bitch. Boiled some pierogies. You boiled them. I love boiled pierogies. Yeah, they're pretty good. Son. I fuck with a fried one every once in a while. Son, I always order fried.

I always order fried. Boiled pierogies. You can't get them all fried. It's too rich. Yeah, it's too rich and also you're gay. That's so fucking true. Don't care. Didn't ask, plus you're Jewish.

Yeah. Is that the original one? There's a million of them. Yeah. What is the original one? Probably it plus you're white. Yeah, yeah, that's true. There's no way it's not bad one.

You're right, you're right. And then the boys found it and made it more fun. What boys? The boys found it and fixed it. Yeah. How many Jews are there in the world? Not that many, right? Like nothing, yeah.

I think there's... But did you guys do that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. But did you guys read that cool article in the New York Times? Does that... You know that in Union Square, that like number? That keeps track.

Yeah. What is that? It's a clock or something? We got to get that going the other way if you know what I'm saying. See, he doesn't know what it is. That's how you know. That's what it has actually. No, but really what it is, because the numbers don't make sense.

I'm going to mute his microphone. All right. His headphones real quick. Okay. It's actually keeps track of all the Jews. Welcome back, Adam. Yeah, all right. Did you hear that, Adam?

Yeah. You guys can keep that between you. If you want to keep secrets in this triad that we have. We have a lot of secrets. You and Saf? Yeah. Well, yeah. Tell me some.

We're a dyad. Secret of the Nim. For the New Year, tell me one secret. Secret of the Jews. What other movies have we watched? Secret. Secret Garden. Secret Garden.

Savage Garden. Secret Partner. Secret Honor. Secret... Truthful Pussy. Yeah. True... True Guys.

True... True Guys and Pussy. There's a... Yeah. Why didn't you tell me you were a guy? Why didn't you show me your penis earlier? I didn't know you had the penis. I thought you did not have a penis.

You're listening to the Arnold Schwarzenegger impression video game wrestling podcast. You're listening to the... Get to my penis. Yeah. We're going to talk about really cool stuff and we're going to talk about some really creepy stories, some ghost, spooky ghost stories. Ah, there's a ghost. New Jersey has a ghost.

This is really cool. We actually did research by reading a book about the ghost of New Jersey. This is... And basically what we're going to do is kind of summarize that in a really shitty way. Yeah. And not talk about it. I read the book. It's me Arnold from UCB.

Hi Arnold. Putting my mother classes I took 15 years ago to use by reading... By reading that book. Yeah, spot on Arnold. By reading the book. Yeah, but I had to read it in the book. I have become a fat titan mess. I am a fucking bitch and an embarrassment to my father.

Even though everyone who listens to NPR listens to my show. Ah, fuck. Yeah. My dick. In the middle of your ass, my dick. You seen all the new anti-Semitic hate crimes? We got a new style anti-Semitism. Oh yeah.

So no, I'm a denier. This time the brothers are getting a little taste. Oh yeah, what happened? I don't know. Who gives a shit? Some guy stabbed a rabbi? Yeah, and then people are like, oh, it's a black eye, but you look at him and I'm pretty sure that's a fucking aboriginal.

Wow, from Australia. I mean, he looks like one of those guys from The Last Wave. You ever see that movie? No. Is it about surfing? It's about surfing. I've seen. That's cool.

So what if there's only one wave left? Oh, wow. That's fucked up, dude. What would you do? You'd garner the app back and kill a bunch of aboriginals, and that's what happens in the movie. To ride the tasty wave. Dude, I would have to ride that wave.

Get pitted. I'll tell you what, there's a blue wave you can ride. Oh, what kind of wave? All the Democrats are trying to get their dicks hard, but they can't. Oh. Because Trump is in office stealing all the pussy. That's why it's called blue chew? That's why it's called blue chew.com.

Double slash pussy. Double slash P-U-S-S-Y. Good. I gotta tell you guys, I lose this product all the time. Blue chew.com. And it makes my cock hard. Use some testimonials. Blue chew.com.

And it feels good because you jack your cock off, and it feels heavier than normal, too. Blue, penis. That's a thing nobody talks about. That's not in the copy. That's directly from me. It makes your dick feel hotter and heavier. It does. It literally does, which is a cool feeling you feel like your dick is a little club.

My main problem is a hot little club that you're going to use to beat up some pussy. My dick is often cold. Just like my heart. My cold heart and my cold dick. That's true. My Cormac McCarthy. Yep. Behold my limp penis dangling in the wind.

That's right. I've never read any shit. He did the road, right? It's good. It's good for me to fucking without sitting down and writing down. Thinking about it. Also, I have a cold, and I've taken too many blue chews. You sound stuffed up from blue chews.

Yeah. Which does happen. Well, you're not supposed to rail them, dude. There are zero side effects. No side effects except a hard-ass penis. And a hot ear. You won't feel a little weird that day. The only side effect is maybe you won't die alone.

Maybe you'll find the love of your life. Although, that's from the Cialis ones, and I'll say this. Yeah. The third day your cock sings. It'll make hot women love you. Oh, yeah. That shit works for a while. Oh, yeah.

36 hours, they say? Absolutely. And I find my cock to be real. It's kind of like drugs. You got to time it just right. You got an operatic type. I found my cock really hits its stride. BlueChew.com.

The second full day. Yeah. Well, let's start saying the fucking thing up for top. The copy. The copy, yeah. I don't think we need to do that. I was talking about how I make your cock. No, not the copy.

The code. Oh, yeah. BlueChew.com slash pussy.com. Yeah. Slash. BlueChew.com slash cum. Slash. Slash.

BlueChew.com. BlueChew.com. Oh, Baltimore. Baltimore. Yeah. Baltimore. What is this, dummy? I can't wait to get my pussy fucked by somebody taking BlueChew.

BlueChew. BlueChew. I'm a black woman from Baltimore. And I can't wait to get my pussy fucked. I can't wait to shit out of my ass. By somebody using BlueChew. Because I do. BlueChew.

I go in there and I pretend. I'm not from Baltimore. I pretend I'm leaking. I'm trying to put a hot dog in my pussy. Where the fuck is the copy? Dude, it's actually in my ass. You have to get it. Yo, we got to get it out of Stov's ass.

Stov right bend over there. No, I just try to remember the promo. I'm trying to open it. It's come town, isn't it? Yeah. BlueChew.com slash come town. Damn, both of your cheeks have so much mass, it's really hard to pull them apart. Yeah, hold on.

You sucked it farther in. No, that's me spreading my ass, but it's wet because I'm horny. I don't understand how that's the noise. Your ass doesn't get horny? Your ass doesn't get wet when you're horny? No, my ass doesn't get wet when I'm horny. Wow, dude. That's another thing BlueChew does.

It self-lubricates your asshole. So if you're gay in a bottom, it makes your dick hard and your ass soaking wet. So just ready to get a penis slid on up there. It also works for your woman when you're ass wet. The promo code is come town and you get your first order free. Wow. So there's a couple of times your dick will be hard, free, and you'll think of us. All I ask is when you use BlueChew to make your prick a dill stiff around.

To make your prick a dacheliani. To get your prick a ducheliani. A good use for it is you take a couple of BlueChews and then you sit in the garage with the car running. Because everybody's dick gets hard when they die, but you want it to be as hard as possible. You want ultra-rigor mortis. You want the fucking paramedic that finds you to be so horny by how hard your dick is, that they pull out their pussy and or ass and just slide on top of your dead ass. That's the best part about X-Files is imagine that you were a dead body

and a skullie wouldn't have to suck you off. Suck my fucking penis. That's what you should. Honestly, if I was on the X-Files, what I would do is I would put a little, get a tiniest glow stick I could find. Put it in my urethra, I'd take a BlueChew. And then, I don't know, kill myself in an alien mask. And then fucking a celly would be like taking your notes.

Like lacerations to the third metacarpal. Discombobulated brain, cardio-simonized thing. And it appears there is something in the penile shaft. There's possibly an alien technology that needs to be sucked out of the... Through the use of suction technology. Taking my breasts out of my shirt to suck on camera. And I will now be uploading the autopsy video to the time machine in the FBI's office that goes back to three weeks ago that guess who's hacked into is me.

That's so smart. And it's me masturbating three weeks earlier to the video of the skullie sucking my dick. Suck your dead body. So you know you're going to die in three weeks. Yes. But it doesn't matter. Yeah. Skullie is called the...

They call him the New Jersey ghost. They did a spooky stories podcast. They did a spooky stories podcast about him. This guy thinks it stings. I love it. Listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and the spooky guys. This spooky scary story boys? S здесь bookie boys.

Please fuck me. Do do do do do do do do do. Just suck them up baby. Well, if you want to get your dick sucked by bluetooth.com, you go bluetooth.com, promo code COMTOWN. Get your order for free. Oh, my God. It's easy.

Online console. They're better than Viagra and Chialis, as they pronounce in Italy, where it's from. Yep. Bluetooth. Silvio Berlusconi had it funded. He put all the money. Yeah. It's all manufactured in those days.

He made it for his bunga-bunga parties. A real blue collar, guys. You're supporting Bernie Sanders, union factory workers that make dick pills. Yep. Like, imagine the guys from The Deer Hunter. Mm-hmm. You know, it's those guys. Yeah.

It's the bitch from Flashdance, making those pills. Getting my dick hard on a Saturday night, I just want to fuck some pussy, but I usually can't get hard. I can't get my penis hard. Yeah, bluetooth.com. Yeah, with bluetooth and my penis is hard. I'm getting sucked off and I'm not gay anymore. I don't know what song you're doing.

Isn't that... She's a maniac. Yeah. Yeah. That's the beginning part of that song. She's a maniac. Now my dick is hard. That's the verse.

Dick is hard. I'm not gay. Yeah, there you go. I like that. And my wife doesn't think I'm gay anymore. Because my dick is hard, dick is hard as shit now. It's very funny for me to constantly... And I use promo code, come down at the store.

It's very good stuff. A guy in a row. He killed it. And his wife's constantly having to come home to him and his friend, like, sweating. Yeah. In the living room. Mm-hmm. Just being like, oh, we were just talking about the microwave.

We were just discussing technology. We were just... You're not allowed to look at me. You cannot come... You cannot read science. Yeah. You cannot come to the science room. We are having...

We are doing math in here. And you can't come in. You cannot try to read. Mm-hmm. Because my dick is hard. I love that. Oh, yeah. I love that, dude.

You know, that fucking... That guy pulled a gun out in Texas. They got him. They got his ass. Did they? Yeah. What happened? One guy gets up.

He pulls a shotgun out. He gets one guy. Where? Another dude fucking caps him from, like, 50 feet away. Just paints the wall with his brain. Are they right? Should everyone have guns? I mean, like, I think the reason people aren't talking about it is because, like...

I mean, it depends on... They passed a law recently in Texas saying that you can carry a gun in a church. Nice. And then so some people are like, this is a direct result of that law. But then you watch the video and it's like, oh, there would be so many people dead if, like, that church wasn't filled with people packing. Yep. So it is like...

Because, you know, nobody's right 100% of the time, especially with, like, hypotheticals like that. It's like, this is one case where it definitely was the result of... Yeah. You know, I mean, if there wasn't a guy with a gun there, it would have been a much bigger problem. But was it no scope? Did he headshot?

Yeah. Handgun. Handgun. I mean, it's a grainy video, but the guy... You can see the guy that fucking gets him. He's on the other side of the room. Dude, you know... The guy pulls the shotgun out.

One guy draws on him. He shoots that guy and the other guy just, like, fucking, like, gets him. Wow. You know how hard that guy is? He's a killer, okay? Corral. That's the one guy in history that has done that. Yeah.

How fucking awesome you must feel? Yeah. I think I want to shoot a gun in 2020. Have you shot a gun? No. We should go do that. We've talked about it before. It's fun.

I've never done it. It's expensive, though. Because you gotta rent the gun and then... You gotta go out to Jersey or something? What if we get an illegal gun? You can probably just go upstate. What if we get an AK off the black market? They probably have AKs you can shoot.

Interesting. They have fucking... You can shoot ARs and shit. Yeah. Yeah. I want a Desert Eagle, dude. Yeah. I mean, actually, like, rifles aren't fun to shoot, really.

In my experience, I've only gone a couple of times. But, yeah, like something like a 38, like a revolver. Those are fun. Nine millimeters of boring. You can only shoot, like, a 45. Yeah. That shit's fun. Okay.

Because they'll be like, oh, it's your first time. We'll give you, like, a 22. And that's... You might as well just... I'm not a bitch. Yeah. You might as well shoot an AK. Give me a fucking bazooka, bitch.

Dude, he's gone. James Bond stuff. I want a Saturday night special, but I want to get it out of my ankle every time. Yeah. No, I want that suspender's belt holster thing that cops have. The instinct to go and, like, learn how to shoot accurately. And it's like, this is a fucking waste. It's like, imagine if you went bowling and every time you threw the ball, it cost $5.

You know, so it's like, are you gonna try and be good at bowling? Or are you gonna pick the heaviest bowl and try and hook that shit, do something that looks cool? That's the most fun possible. Let's try and throw the ball into someone else's lane or break the floorboards. Yeah, I heard from you Gonna try and slam dunk. Yeah, exactly a slide. You're gonna fucking risky business slide all the way down the end of the I'd love to like miss. I'm not make it to the top level of competition in bowling and then just be doing shit like Dude, there's a new guy or you'd be the only black guy. That's professional bowler

And you're doing stuff like that and then say that like they're not embracing black bowling culture That's right by allowing things like that black blow bowling. How come that doesn't they don't have the leadership right? Yeah Just start a black bull. He's bowling too athletically, and you're allowed this you're a lot too flashy You're allowed to slide all the way down. It needs to stop hot dog Yeah, you're allowed to go over the line as long as you continue sliding And so it's like a dude doing a cool pose Sliding all that would be awesome and then just slamming the fucking bowling ball into the pit You could also but you could do that, but people can play defense and hit you in the nuts with the ball

That's right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you gotta juke the police are there and they have guns They have guns and if you better not you better not yeah Cuz cuz then cuz officer. What's his face? You know It's the dumbest stand his ground bowling. There's a new guy that's revolutionized the sport My buddy was telling me that real he goes two hands. No wicked spin shut up. Yeah, there's a new guy There's a two-handed bowler, and he's revolutionized. Is that legal? I swear dude. I'll look it up, man I look it up, bitch. It's like started in 2018. It's very new. I would have heard of this It's fresh stop stop is very abreast of the bowling ball community. I'm abreast of a lot of stuff

Anything can be abreast of I am because it because it reminds me of breasts. Oh, wow. I didn't think of that Yep bowling two-handed rules Yeah, there's a two-hander guy. It's just really he modifies rules on bowling. He's a young Australian man Okay, yeah And people are saying is it an evolution of the sport or an unfair advantage Jason Belmont. Hey, that's his name. I Don't know if he's Australian Interesting pretty cool, right? Yeah, it's pretty cool. We could spin. Oh, yeah, he is Australian

Look at this guy. What a fucking psycho Jason Belmont a yeah What about Jason Bell ass cheeks? Yeah, Jason Bell ass cheeks. Yeah about that you fucking killed him. Mm-hmm Jason Belmont a let's see this shit. I Like how pumped they get after a strike They were I would feel that they Rick flair he bowls with two hands He's he But that's the thing man if you like watch those PBA videos people that bowl of the competitive level

It's like you win because the other guy fucks up barely once. Yeah, you know, I mean, it's like say perfect Oh, here the score is 300 to 298 299 298, you know, it's like and the game max is out. It's a game of perfection other fucking sports aren't like that It's not like fucking, you know football is like you can only get nine touchdowns a game and every game the final score Is up with nine eight, you know, yeah, but isn't there something beautiful about that? No attic. No, it's about That's a classic boom goes down. That's a classic. No, this is a this is a Jason Belmont a video. Fuck him, dude Yeah Yeah, if you mother if anybody knows Jason Belmont, they tell him I said the fight it's on site

I'll the guys the guys that call bowling games. Yeah, just show their cool things that they said Yeah, make it on top of that word or world. Yeah, and there goes the ball and it's fucked the pins in the Jason Belmont they pull up bitch ladies and gentlemen drop a pin It's you Australian piece of shit beers and wings and the birds may sing tonight We're here in the lanes is greased up lubed up ready to get fucked Jason Belmont a returns the two-handed faggot The Australian devil the ghost of New Jersey Eddie cheese dick fuckface

Junior returns from jail where he was for not paying child support The reigning champ he only knows how to bowl we go live to him now One of the greatest minds in bowling Easily the smartest person in the world of bowling locked into cage until his 17th birthday He was released directly into a bowl America and over Delaware He was allowed to eat the crumb off the bottom of the shoes Mm-hmm, and that's where he learned

that life is about hard work and Getting your dick sucked. What who does I just want to see if Belmont is Hell is calling me check and see what Belmont is pushing. I'm looking at his Instagram But I don't be honest. Do you think I could fuck him up fuck who he's 511. It's a so what no chance Look at this. He's got this have a low center. He's got like a Google glass thing dude That guy's a bitch dude Jason Belmont. He's a fucking bitch. He's just he's changing the game Dude, he's changing he's about to change the diaper because I'm about to fuck him in the ass so hard his ass won't have any elasticity So it'll just poop. So be fucking all constantly be leaking shit

You hear that Belmont a dude Belmont a your own notice. You're on notice brother Bowling how rich can you get off bowling? His net worth is I'm looking up now $32,000 So in the bowling world, he is a millionaire. Wow, that's pretty great. He's like Australian So he's like the greatest bowler they have and he couldn't miss down on the competition last year because you couldn't afford the plane trip Columbus, Ohio. Is that real? Sure. I wish it was. This is all about facts. Yeah, I'm sure he's got some great endorsement deals

You know, like what's a bowling? What's a bowling company? Like a Company, baby. What are they called ball company Kings? Are they're cool bowling shoes? Well, there's the Jordan of bowling. Does he have any bowling? Belmont's probably fucking say it's probably dropping the heat dude Stop talking about Belmont insane color. I don't fuck with him He does not have good color ways. No, I got some dead stock Belmont a one. No, you don't yes I do I'm trying to see them. I'm gonna take a fat fucking shit in them You best not do because they're in box never worn. I don't give a dead stock

Why aren't they're cool bowling shoes? It's all those like like a little fucking gay tap dancer. Yeah, yeah But they're different colors. There should be cooler ones. There should be fucking awesome bowling shoes, dude We can get pussy in What kind of shoes if you could pick one shoe to get pussy in what would it be to get pussy in? Yeah You don't pick one shoe like to wear while you're fucking all you're fucking or getting your dick sucked I don't know something sensible with a lot of traction Something like you get some torque. So you get them. Yeah, you need torque something with a grip on the bottom some grip You don't be sliding all around. So honestly, you don't be wearing like vans or something, you know, it's crazy bowling shoes might actually be good

No bowling those are slippy. I thought they meant they're like flat Oh like a hiking boot Yeah, I would fucking Merrill's Okay, I'd fucking a pair of keens. I would pick it light up sneaker lele light le gear Oh, because you're more into the razzle-dazzle aspect. I'm all about being flashy when I'm getting pussy So I would like put my leg up on stuff and fuck And I'd be looking at the fucking light ups and

I would get even harder because I'm looking at my shoes. Oh My penis Nick what kind of shoes would you have sex in orthopedic shoes? With Velcro. Yeah, my back hurts from I'm getting sympathetic pains from blowing out your back I need orthopedic shoes Yeah How much fucking standing up do you do? Do you do anything? That's pretty much the only time

Most girls I hook up with are six to yeah, so so I can fuck up Adam has Adam has a web and top of his bedroom with a A simulation rope that he descends from yeah, so I can do the spider-man's kids So you guys you guys know I just work you can hang out with friends You can take a sleep in my bed while I'm gonna be a gentleman in the bed in the living room Mm-hmm, and there's a secret trap door He comes to see my little penis and then the girl's like oh my god spider man No, the roof he coys scurries out on the ceiling in the middle of the night and he goes

Suck my little penis in the spot Honestly tell me a more romantic kiss than the Mary Jane spider-man upside-down spider-man you're an actual spider He said you're in this story. You're a spider. You're not doing shit like I'm a spider Yeah, there's a poison. I think what Nick is saying is that you are raping women as a spider spider He's not saying you're you've got this by the spider laying out this hypothetical spider also has Morgan Freeman's voice for some reason Well, that's my own voice. That's hot doing a Morgan Freeman. I'm ready to have sex. I Think women would be into that. He's got a deep voice. I'm the spider who's ready to have sex

I said the spider to the fly But I think what you're saying Adam is that you use that as a tool of seduction the first time I saw pussy I knew I was going to fuck it Pussy came into the Nintendo Shawshank and I knew I was gonna have sex with it So my penis Oh, they do it. Yeah I saw and cut gems. Yeah. Oh, you loved it. No, it's fucking great. So sick the first time I saw and cut gems I thought they were all Jewish

There's one Armenian the first time I saw the brother or no we're talking He's Armenian Yeah, because they're at Passover and everyone's like what's this fucking boy doing a lot of people mad at me They were as I raped Ashley Judd Did he I don't know but I would be nice imagine one of those late 90s thrillers And it's like a blue faded image of him and then a red one of her and there's like a police car in a house And it's raining and it's called the raping of Ashley Judd. Oh the actual actress not a character in the movie Hey, right. This is the name of the movie. Oh, he's like, no, I'm here to help you

But that's Morgan Freeman's name. Right. He's in the movie. I play Ashley Judd And it's confusing for a lot of people Ashley Judd is already in the movie and they say There why isn't it the other way around I say, well, we're actors. That's right. Yeah, you can play many parts Why would Ashley Judd be raped in the movie? That's just a lie I'll play Ashley and Ashley is getting raped on camera by Ashley Judd. That's right And to be clear, she's playing the role of Morgan Freeman. She's playing Andy Dufresne. Oh, she's playing Andy Dufresne Who's the man who rapes Ashley Judd who's played by me? I see and so Andy Dufresne is this part of the Shawshank universe

He directed the movie. I see. There's a different guy. A different guy named Andy Dufresne. Not the actor who played Andy Dufresne Listen, this is my idea for a movie I go like once Morgan Freeman's one of those celebrities that like once every 18 months Like just somebody will be like, what do you think about trans people? And he's like, I think they should all be put into a giant meat grinder People are like, how dare he say this? It's like, don't ask that guy. He's like 200 years old. Has he said something like that? Has he said something like a stepdaughter or something? He said unwoke things, I think. But he's like one of those guys they asked for a niece or something The first time I had sex with my niece, I knew I wasn't going to bus. There was something about a charm

I wanted to bus, but I couldn't. If someone's too charming, Morgan Freeman can't bus I can't remember any of the lines from Shawshank Yeah, I remember the line when the sisters raped him Names read Why do they call you that? Because I'm gay Because I'm a gay man Oh yeah, that's a good one right there

That's definitely why they call him that So that's, but that's, is there any other reason? No The first time I told Andy Dufresne that I was gay, I knew I wanted to fuck him What if Nia is going to look at lines? I've only seen that movie once Yeah, I've only seen parts of it Yeah, that for like years, that was like Bro's favorite movie Yeah, it's like the one movie of Broken Cry

Yeah Why? Um, because I don't know, because one Bro said it was alright Yeah And so it did try that Love actually too Love actually sucks my dick

Bro started liking Love actually Yeah, serious Hope is a dangerous thing He says a lot of things like this I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged Namely, the gay ones Namely, your homosexual impulses That's true

I'll tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gay place there's a dream Yes sir I haven't seen the movie, I think you're not going to top why they call you red because I'm gay I know, I'm just literally reading quotes from the movie In a half-assed Morgan Freeman and stuff Oh yes I am horny for pussy What was the guy in?

Who was the guy in? Shawshank, what's his name? Tim Robbins Tim Robbins Who is Susan Sarandon's common law husband He plays Andy Dufresne Do you guys ever jack off to Ashley Robbins? Ashley Robbins

She's like a redhead Russian who used that as a fake name The raping of Ashley Robbins And she only ever, I only ever saw her suck dick once You do a lot of softcore And that's one of my great holy grails of seeing her do a full hardcore I think there was also a bi scene I would love to get my penis sucked by Ashley Robbins So if anybody, okay, I don't usually make appeals to the fan base

Does anybody want to fuck my ass? But if anybody has a hardcore video of Ashley Robbins being fucked Hey, it's me We did that me Jay Stevenson, famous actor Jay Stevenson Just doing impressions of people and they have to go like Oh yeah, I know that guy Hello, it's me Jay

It's me Marcus Wilde It's me famous actor Marcus Wilde Hmm, Marcus, so good to see you again brother Hello, I'm gay Yes Yes, it's me gay Eric Of England town, fame from England town That is correct

And I've ridden my hot air balloon all the way here This is a preview of the live show in Australia Gay Eric Yeah, we saw a guy, Eric, at Fringe last year The Adventures of Gay Eric Really cool stuff Really inventive, you know Like really, he does sort of like an absurd game

I'm gay Eric, I've ridden my hot air balloon Yeah, it's a lot like emo Phillips but with none of the jokes No jokes There's no jokes in it because Which was kind of holding him back Yeah All the jokes Yeah, we tried doing jokes and what happened was the movie Crocodile Dundee

And then the rest of the world stopped listening to us Until we had a mass shooting and got rid of guns And then that gave us a little bit of credibility for a while So now we're trying comedy again Now we're trying it And we're going fully, full mental retard Yes, yes We're going village idiot style comedy

It's kind of like what would happen in a mental institution If they did a talent show Right, if somebody was trying to fit in in a mental institution If somehow an entire society was inverted So then our celebrities were people that ate their own shit and threw it at each other Can't wait to go back Yeah, our comedy is like, you know It's kind of like the hit

It's like the hit Is it funny? No No No, mate No No, mate, it's not funny, it's gay Eric Hello

I'm gay Hey Honestly, gay Eric is really good though He's very funny Hello, I'm gay Eric I just came back from the field where I was picking flowers Wow, that's so gay Eric I picked flowers to put them in my ass

Yeah, woo Right, okay Eric Right, okay Eric On ya, gay Eric There it goes Oh, I love watching gay Eric I can't get enough of him I love him

Oh man, you had to be there But I did this joke about how he's gay I really am not going to do it justice He was having heaps gay sex I'm really not going to do it justice But what happened was is that he was watching Barney And eating baby food And he was talking about how much he loves baby food

And he was watching Barney And then he asked an audience member He goes, do you know why? And they said no And then off the top of his head Without missing a beat Wow He says because I'm gay

Wow And it's like Wow The improvisational skills you have to have To come up with something like that A comedic genius He's basically Australia's Einstein Wow

He's Australia's contribution They've given him a medal of order Yeah, two intellectual discourses Gay Eric The prime minister who got elected After calling a kangaroo the n-word You have to keep in mind You have to keep in mind

Australians have invented absolutely nothing ever Once ever There's not a single fucking idea That they've ever come up with So gay Eric Pretty good stuff Pretty good stuff, mate Pretty good fucking stuff

Pretty good Omegle from England now Yeah And Omegle, so Welcome back to Firing Line If you're just joining us My guest tonight is gay Eric All the way from Australia

Tell me, do you think black people Should be allowed to learn how to read? I'm just gay Can I suck their penises? Can I suck them all? It depends Can I have sex with them? Can I be able to suck them all?

Oh, gay Eric Don't you take anything seriously? No, he does not He's fucking Wow I fucking love gay Eric, mate Yeah I can't believe he won fringe the year after

Nanette Yeah Oh, yeah, he did Mm-hmm What's Nanette up to these days? She's, I don't know She's being poised She's gonna run out of grievances

And she's gonna have like an hour-long special In three years, it was like And I waited in line And I got to the front And by the time I got there They turned off the Krispy Kreme light And they had no fresh donuts left They didn't have any freshies

There was no freshies left At the Krispy Kreme And, you know, they had no fresh donuts left They didn't have any freshies There was no freshies left At the Krispy Kreme And, you know, I mean, that sucks It sucks to feel that

It does We will be in Australia, by the way You fucking Her pain is something we can all relate to It's a nice contrast With the original Nanette Oh, yeah She'll centers on a violent, you know

A violent assault That really pins the whole thing together But now, the last special Mikey Yeah, it's the gas station without a Chex Mix And I opened it up And there was zero bagel crisps In the bag of Chex Mix

And I can't eat Chucky's without the bagel crisps Because they're the best piece In Chex Mix She's got a new special called Douglas Yeah Maybe it's about Michael Douglas It's about Michael Douglas, yeah I would love that, dude

That would be awesome Yeah Well, how funny would it be if Nanette, this Douglas comes out It's the biggest Netflix special And she comes out and she's like Oi I'm gay actor Michael Douglas

Nanette's brilliant new bit Gay actor Michael Douglas Which no one has ever done before That would be awesome And I'm just like In my apartment Having been a giant Like a hair guy

I already have a giant beard So I'm exactly the same as I am Yeah, you look exactly like you I was gonna say unwashed Yeah Not taking care of myself No, that's pretty much what we're looking at Looking at the screen screaming at Nanette

But that's I'm already there Yeah But in this time It would have been for a personal grievance Yes And her stealing gay actor Michael Douglas That bit was actually conceived

Not just me being mad at her That bit's from Sydney, Australia Really? Yeah, that was the first time we did it That's the birthplace of gay actor Michael Douglas Are you gonna say you came up with it? No, you came up with it But we were in Sydney

We were at the Airbnb I'm a gay actor Michael Douglas Oh yeah, that Airbnb rock Dude, that was the sickest place I've ever been in Yeah Although the hotel in Brisbane That one was also pretty cool You're gonna die your fat bitch

I wanna go to Australians You're gonna die your fat bitch I wanna see a roast battle between that guy from the truck And Nanette Yeah That'd be sick Nice gap between your teeth You're gonna die of cancer

You're gonna die of pussy pubes And fucking tribal tattoos You fucking bitch Yeah, look at your shitty lesbian tattoos So she have tattoos? No, but this is just what he's the guy says in the video Yeah, he tells the lady she has bad tattoos Oh, remember that

Everything after you go on a die fat bitch Tryna get overshadowed What's your problem, man? He's like, your fat pig of a girlfriend won't shut her mouth That guy rocked Suck on a penis you gay guy Yeah That's a little remix

Yeah Why isn't he being championed more like the bagel boss? He is on this show, bagel boss had a stroke I heard Really? Yeah Poor guy Vinny's working out a tour with bagel boss Yeah, he's lost the use of his legs and half his face

But he's going around It's so funny that that guy got management that was taking him on tour and stuff And it's like, do you not understand what memes are? Or how any of this shit works No, they didn't, some guy's from Long Island It's fucking insane It's like, yeah, well, I'm lucky enough to have Dan Daniel on my roster And fucking the I Am a Motherfucker guy from the Ambulance video

I don't remember him Of course not And in fact, the joke doesn't work if you did remember I remember Dan Daniel Yeah, coming through in the white vans Pretty funny stuff I'm going to set the world record for saying the N word faster than anyone in the history of Google And damn, he did it well

Wow, so fast That's what you call microaggressions I'm talking to some black guy, I'm like, hey man, do you want to go to the movie slider? What the fuck was that? Oh, nothing, I was just wondering if you want to go to the movie slider Who's that little beep? I don't know what you're talking about, man Maybe you're hearing something?

I love it That's pretty good So go on a penis, you fucking bitch Go on a dyke, go on a dyke, go on a dyke, fat bitch So go on a dyke, go on a dyke, fat bitch So go on a dyke, go on a dyke, fat bitch Damn Well, I got to have Mosey because I got to do you spot

Please come see me, folks I'm going on a big ass, hard dick ass tour I'd love for you to buy tickets I have to, I got to announce dates Oh, nice I'll put them online somewhere I'm online I'll be Tampa January 26th, Milwaukee the 29th, Appleton the 30th, Chicago the 31st and the 1st

Rhode Island the 6th through the 8th at the Comedy Connection Hyenas, Texas 13th through the 15th, Dallas somewhere Guy Pinas, that's where he's at The DC Draft House the 20th through the 22nd Catch that live at Guy Pinas I will not be a Guy Pinas, I'll be a Hyenas In Texas In Gaggy, Texas

Yeah, yeah, fine, that was fine I'll also be in Guy Pinas in Gaggy, Texas I will also be in at Stand Up Live in Phoenix on March 5th Tucson on the 6th Fuck it, and then Dublin the 29th And then London the 31st through the 4th March 29th and then March 31st through April 4th

Come suck my heart ass little prickadel Overseas And then we'll be in fucking Australia right after that, I think Yeah, in April Going to Vagiat And those Australia dates are gonna be posted And come to Fat Tuesdays every Tuesday, you have to stand The next funny moms is the fucking January

Going to Vagiat, you're Fat Beach January 13th, going to Vagiat I don't remember, I'm in Chicago at some point Fucking Columbus and, I don't know, some shit in Michigan Columbus is tight, Nashville is awesome Yeah, college town The Ohio State University That's right, there's some good fucking grub-a-dell over there

It's cool that those stickers they put in their helmets Look kind of like nugs, you know what I'm saying Suck eyes The buck eyes, the suck guys Yeah, didn't they lose or something? I don't know Alright, I gotta go to the bathroom