The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 189 – Therapy for the chinese soul

Episode Date: January 8, 2020

Alright brother hell yea

Yeah, oh you got everything plugged in I'm plugged in you plugged in oh I got my shit plugged in you plugged in over here tight I got my mic plugged in I got my butt plug plugged in got everything that's all about plug stuff what I'm plugged into you actually oh my god wow hold on why is it so yeah I bet this guy a lot of air is escaping out of my ass cuz Adam's penis is too small well I went in soft I bet this guy it's hard I can feel it he bet this guy fucking likes Thomas the Tank Engine yeah I bet he watches that shit knows all the fucking characters yeah who Thomas is and Gordon and the twins and Edward well

it seems like you know a lot of characters this fucking guy fucking loves that show oh I bet he does bro I bet he's got the fucking clothes with those guys on it I was getting myself good imagining a Guido that accuses people watching but he knows everything he's like nah you know I just you know I passed by it there was a song sometimes I'm watching my mafia movies Thomas is you know it comes on the picture-in-picture by accident yeah I'm trying to watch fucking once upon a time in America fucking wise guy wise guy remember that show I don't mean I think it was a show Bronx tail Bronx tail

a Bronx tail to goes west Bronco goes west for the Leon or goes west yeah it's about Italian rats who I hate him I hate him no rats in my fucking family I hope they get eaten by the cat cat police I can't I can't stand the capolis mm-hmm oh yeah so there's rats and there's mice is a mouse good a mouse dude I want to rewatch the Great Mouse detective alone the big the big scary rat is still fucking right again yeah but he was gay was he yeah don't remember when he was like singing dancing at a top hat I just remember being fucking terrified I was a little kid what scared the shit out of me was that first

scene with his like bat henchmen yeah that like is like creeping around the house there's a shot of him in like the windows and when I was a little kid that scared the shit out of me I know exactly the shot you're talking about yeah it's like the silhouette let's on the let's go ahead and just pull it up we're gonna watch the Great Mouse detective that's fine honestly I would honestly love that good content yeah is there pussy in the Great Mouse detective is there love yes there's full penetration no you know what I'm saying yeah you know what's funny don't be facet of a bitch I saw their bitch I would say the

great mouse detective a bunch as a kid but for whatever reason I never knew the title of the movie somehow I was like one of those movies that I'd seen a bunch and I just I was like oh yeah that fucking dude I know I actually thought it was a different move because there's a lot dude now that I think about there's a lot of like mouse type rescuers there's the rescuers there's five old rescuers down under there's me of course Mickey you think they were biting Mickey shit Ratatouille no that was later on yeah I don't think I ever saw that actually me neither I get the idea though me neither the mouse cooks anyway

so I'm gonna be watching baby movies where you go can I see that can I see rat the great rat detective yeah I'm trying what's some other mouse type movies Stuart little Stuart little I saw that at Beltway's Beltway movies six with my mother it's a discount theater that she used to take us to everything costs like four dollars in the popcorn brother the popcorn was cheap wasn't there that popcorn was like two dollars for a big-ass bag at a movie theater this was a discount movie on way movie six shots out to them I think I think they're still business that's where I saw stepbrothers college hilarious what

honestly will Ferrell's best so funny one of the McCabe Ferrell I think it's probably the best I mean that those are those of age so good tall digger nice rocks my cock so funny anyways I can't find it but yeah there's this there's just said one you know he's in his fucking lab doing something lining up a bullet I know and it's like a lightning flash a lightning flash and a little bats outside yeah that's and dude I literally know the fucking I know the scene they used to get me good scary when I was a child dude Reagan also was built he had a big he had big titties but like he was a tiny

yet down with his legs yeah which is a fucked up side that fucked up a type of way to be he was a tits on a stick trapped in my depression oh Nick are you inside Nick I don't drifted away we didn't have to get room anymore oh thank God we could just be alone it's just fast we could just be alone with my friend and my pit of despair dude let me get in there let me begin let me get the despair dude get in here I'm over here now as well oh nice nice dude and then Adams gay ass is over in regular and come back but he's not he's doesn't get to be I want to be in

depression with no we're over here fucking off bitches with big fucking titties it's not fair to let me not participate we have depression we have depression we're getting our dick sucks by girls wearing black lipstick yeah well and we're listening to the cure no from this we're Maryland boys good charlotte charlotte you're not allowed to say what was you're not allowed to say that wow wow yeah it feels good to be here I wanted to see if there is a different me and Nick are holding hands getting our dick sucked and we're in someone's to painting our nails with black nail polish well well our dicks are in one

mouth now take us out of depression so we can hear Adam's voice baby voice better okay that was good getting my dick sucked in depression now Adam my diapers full I need to change my nappy that's just what your fucking voice now you're trying to simulate the baby voice to screw me on the to screw me to screw me they'll fuck me over dude the idea of a goth listening to good charlotte's kind of getting me a little bit you know he's coming back it's good charlotte oh really no no the bands the bands from when we were younger yeah they're coming some of the bands some of the bands some of the bands from when we

were younger are coming back coming back like good charlotte no one of the best to think that like I mean that's really the kind of those are the kind of podcasts you should listen to absolutely this too is the dumbest people in the world being like you know I didn't know what a Valera was until I was 27 yeah well that is kind of what our podcast is yeah but yeah but people are listening irony true yeah and people are listening to it that's true the beauty of that is that no one is listening I don't know what potpourri is but it makes me think of like an Indian woman's vagina mm-hmm that's you know like

perfume for an Indian woman right that is too clever that's too clever you know it's crazy I here's you want to know my theory is the reason VHS went away is because I never told us what VHS stands for that's true and DVD same thing blue ray you know it stands for blue yeah and there's blue ray that's why it's still around because it's had the same amount of time but nobody sure as shit didn't know what VHS stands for and then DVD you say okay disc video this video disc yeah CD you know it stands for music this yeah concert concert distribution cuz you're distributing concert music no you're

right well that's why CDs went away that's true people didn't know what they said for mp3 same thing music music playing three time purchasing and pirating there's three different ways you can get the music that's what mp3 stands for mm-hmm I heard that yeah well people don't listen to it now they listen to itunes and everybody knows it stands for itunes that is true yo what about Obama though what does that stand for nothing except the Quran I do some of my family does feel that way though it's pretty jacked up yeah I have I sometimes I'll have candid conversations with my dad and he lets me know

that he thinks the president no shots out to fucking who's speaking about the more shots out to the fucking dirty birds the Ravens Lamar Jackson soon to be crowned MVP fuck Tom Brady your bitch ass lost fuck the Patriots they play in Houston they lost at home to the fucking number six-seat Titans with Mike Rabel your old linebacker fucked your ass the Patriots sucks fuck Boston fucking Festivist number two Ravens all the way baby are you going are you gonna go down to M&T and then I'm going to the bank dude to the bank I'm on the road I'm actually kind of sad damn I literally would have gone my brothers went to see

the pay when they beat the page in the regular season my brothers were at that game damn that must have been so yeah that must have been lit dog it was lit dude I don't fucking appreciate your tone bitch no I like Lamar Jackson a lot he's swaggy who wears the sunglasses he wears sunglasses he wears chains he's the best quarterback he's the best quarterback of the next 15 years dude oh dude it's about time we go back to Baltimore just trying to get on 98 rock yeah stop let's stop this let's stop all the sun's been coming into my apartment that's been making me feel okay about yeah sunlight is important no dude we're

getting a little too bedroom and Glen Bernie and we're gonna be the fucking afternoon live together and we get the afternoon drive time shat shift you ever see those guys would like fucking Ben O'Brien was still living with his ex-girlfriend he had those like house painters over that week those two guys are awesome that like fucking had the same haircut since high school and they were just boys just painted got drunk live together they're 40 years old guys rock hadn't even considered their life being a fucking failure in any way shape or form just the fellas literally like fucking 1985

Mario and Luigi painting houses wearing the dumb outfit yep that's stupid like mid-80s bowl haircut is awesome dude on old-ass man just hanging out just living together in a two-bedroom somewhere in Hamden probably just fucking like the highlight of the week is going to karaoke at a sports bar trying to get pussy from some fat like secretary dude you remember Greg Pahanish I don't great Pahanish is one of those guys he ran the open mic at like felicitas in Rockville oh yeah I never made it I've never made it out there felicitas it was like and it was so funny because there was like no one at

that bar it was this giant space above a parking garage okay and it was like an Italian restaurant but it was mostly the floor was like set up as like a dance hall hell yeah and there was a bar and then they put like a couple of dining room table or like dinner table you know tables restaurant tables at the end of the fucking the dance hall floor but they were doing open mic there and Greg Pahanish did you do you know who Pahanish no I never met him he's like just yeah he's like a guy that's like fucking probably graduated high school in 1980 or 1981 respect like this is the look brother oh you've talked to me

about this guy before yeah let me see if I can find it but you know it's Jay he would host every week yep the open mic to nobody and then do the same jokes he's like yeah I'm from Pittsburgh but I'm actually from all over my no sorry he's like my arms are from Pittsburgh oh no my feet are from Iran oh my god you know but he knew the jokes were bad his goal was to be annoying yeah you know he didn't give a shit you'd be like Greg this is fucking dog shit week after week alright man didn't care yeah just drive around this fucking like 1986 Dodge dynasty dude the purest thing and then try to get pussy from like this and I

remember one time we were all like smoking weed in the garage me and him and another guy and he just like went and got his dick suck like 20 feet away by like a 42 year old woman he didn't say anything he just went over to his car got in and he got his dick suck and came back out all high that fucking rocks that rules I'm going back fuck this dude I'm gonna try I'm gonna try show business two more years and then I'm running an open mic in Baltimore I'm just getting top yeah getting bad quality top I'm gonna try to get a job in the Buttigieg administration yeah I told I sent an email out that was like

great hey everyone Greg Pahanisha his family reached out to me and he had a combination of sleep apnea and lifelong sleep apnea and lifelong alcoholism he died in his sleep last night and I was like 17 at the time but like I was one of the only people that actually like really knew or hung out with yeah and then all of these comics in DC were like I can't believe that they were like devastated yeah like mad at me yeah of course they would be mad at you yeah they were like mad at me I'm like it's a joke April no one thought oh it's April fools yeah well you know to be honest with you

my thing was like I got to do April fools a couple days before sure no right I would always do it around I couldn't wait it is funny how much you love April fools I love April you're a little prankster remember this year I told guys that I wasn't doing the podcast and I got man I was freaked out and so I was freaking out dude we're supposed to be friends can't we talk about this I was already thinking about my nice it all I said was I wish we would have been able to have a calm yeah but Greg Pahanish rock cuz he was like just like an 80s guy and then like you know yeah he was just like I would go with him and

then this other guy that did karaoke yeah dude and yeah his whole life was like yeah I remember one time he like came he came by and he was like like like started talking to my high school sweetheart on my space and guess what she's divorced dude my space was a boon for those guys yeah those guys those guys are going through the fucking divorced heap dude like nobody's yeah he's like guess what she's divorced he had like a cabin in like Deep Creek Lake to just go up to the king yeah to fucking like drink beer and smoke weed dude no joke everyone's like yeah we're the high school bullies now I'll tell you where

they're happy yeah they're the ones that always deep creek like getting their dick sucked in a Dodge Dynasty yeah there's someone by a woman who's divorced yes a woman whose life was so much worse for the last 30 years what brother she's divorced and his day job was so funny he did like tape back up for Kaiser Permanente like something like there's no way this is gonna be a job in it shouldn't be a job now yeah I do magnetic tape back up for a health care provider yeah yeah that's awesome dude yeah his job is just completely replaced with one USB stick damn yeah I'm gonna see if I can find his like videos cuz

I don't want to make it clear to any of the fucking retards that listen to this show yes I think this is like somebody you should bully it's not he's we like him more than you we like him more it's not even close yeah this is not he's just because he's happy yeah you aren't yeah and you never will be and we aren't either but but we have but thank you for paying us yeah he had to say public access show right thank you to the people who are paying those yeah yeah this public access show oh hell yeah this guy rocks oh he looks great so the bid is hey man I'm just listening to some tapes here and he's got duct tape on his ears

hey man I've just been listening to some tapes here all right you got it with that being the introduction once again my guest co-host TV Ray band my guest co-host I got something for this audience man these guys are some rowdy people and if this this doesn't work because it's all tight I hate this all right we can bleep it we can bleep it he's like don't worry about and then Greg's like watch this and he just turns the camera goes fuck fuck he's great dude did he write a book yeah he wrote a book comedy comedy sickness I'm about to buy that big Greg ruled fuck what's he up to these days I don't know I mean like you

know that I think that restaurant eventually closed down mm-hmm but yeah he was a guy that just wanted to have a good time in the most basic way mm-hmm oh I'll tell you something on the back of this book he does not look as good as he looked in that yeah let me see oh yeah I mean he's much older this is probably from 20 years ago this is this collection of humor includes some of his best stand-up bits arranged into poetry form yeah everyone go out and buy comedy sickness on Amazon yeah it's 1648 we can buy it used for 598 that's not bad very funny Joel Schubert of the Daily Sun not your average poetry book

it's good David Plowman of the Arizona star this bloke is crazy funny Edward Jenkins the English journals I mean that seems like he made all those the English journals what's the Daily Sun my dick because it rises every day and you start sucking it like the Sun like you suck the Sun's rays that's how you suck my dick skin there's the Sun and then there's like the Daily whatever mm-hmm but I don't know if there's a Daily Sun who knows bro Dave daily star Scottish Sun anyways a man who's been in movies television radio live on stage and use papers and now an author he attended broadcasts tough what a good guy

everyone go out and buy this let's make this a number one New York Times best seller you can also catch him singing and or DJing at various karaoke bars respect damn I'm trying to get some fucking pussy behind a style dude trying to hang out with my boys smoke we step out for a second to get top come back immediately that's a big dude honestly it's like his shit fucking that's awesome that's the dream he had to set up yeah like that's those house painter guys reminded me a fucking behindish those dudes that were like I guess they're just like Gen X but like you know like yeah I don't know what you know like

that somebody they just had a good time good-ass time but it's not attached anything the absence of worry is what's awesome you just keep chugging keep trucking who gives a fuck we'll figure it out right yeah no I just want to smoke weed and have my daily access prop comedy show got a cabin up in deep creek man yeah dude once we get a little two-bedroom in Glenburn we go to the mall what's that juggalo mall right there I never should go to unglenn Bernie the fuck is that one called I don't know fuck Marley station you were gonna Marley station yeah this is so funny dude look

at this this is a count called crutches and spices and they wrote I guess this is a type of ableist bullshit you have to deal with when using DoorDash and it's like them texting with their DoorDash driver says hi this is DoorDash I will be there in three minutes I'll meet you in the lobby of building a thousand and it says I'm disabled and I need you to come to apartment blah blah blah and they were like I cannot leave my car in a fire lane they're like I need you to come upstairs I'm in pain and cannot go downstairs at the moment you should be fine drop it off with the front desk then they said the food is at the front

desk and it says maybe if you are unable to accommodate disabled people you should get another gig I was reporting this interaction at DoorDash they're like I can't park illegally I just said a $300 ticket I mean honestly though fuck that fuck that delivery driver for what why not parking in a fire lane let's see the disabled man like I want to see that if you're gonna do this I want to see her entire tipping history to every single DoorDash driver that's true if it's not at minimum $5 at minimum for every single fucking order I tip fatally but I will say in New York everyone comes to your apartment no they

don't do they do I fucking walk down the steps every time I walk down to the fucking steps the steps yeah I don't have a problem doing you have you brought it all the way to my house I'm not gonna fucking like make this guy on a fucking moped walk up the stairs to my apartment yeah but you don't have a you don't have a buzzer do you I do have a buzzer but they don't buzz us in what's that no you have to you have a lock we didn't know they don't even come up the outside steps interesting they're down at the street level yeah I usually have to meet them on the street well all I can say to you you can buzz people up I buzz

people up like Seinfeld this is a comment this and drivers never wanting to wait for me longer than five minutes despite telling me that I'm a wheelchair user or despite telling them that I'm a wheelchair user and I like that subtle use of wheelchair user rather than someone that needs a wheelchair yeah it's like well they could be they could use along a long board they're like personally I just like the wheel I like the wheelchair they could oh no there's people that choose to be in a wheelchair which is so funny what what do you mean there's people that like can walk but would rather just be wheeled around in

wheelchairs respect okay hold on can I have a wheelchair that's like those like women with pain disorders yeah women people in pain yeah Harvey Weinstein I'm in pain dude he's in he's in deep whenever my dick isn't being sucked I'm in existential pain yeah so I therefore air go I need one of those fucking Stephen Hawking wheelchairs air go man that's a cool last word thank you makes me think you're going deep Creek Lake maybe they could air go to the poles oh yeah shouts out to Elizabeth Warren hitting the Dougie wall Iran oh yeah shout out to you wrong too yeah all right peaceful Amani dude he was a big

come boy I heard he was he loved our shit did all right Peter the boy and then you know well I guess we're not going to war I hope it runs tight yeah run sick our friend Mirshams from there is from there this is ridiculous plus the cuisine is fucking awesome I'm getting mad reading this okay go off people some people are being reasonable like hold the business is accountable or whatever and then just some fat person or park legally and do your job DD literally requires you to bring it to a person's store if you can't you're told to decline the order and take a different one it's like you so these people that work for

like fucking below minimum wage with no benefit with no one no there's no you're not gonna know what's the situation at your address until you get there yeah so they're supposed to take the order there find out they can't deliver it cancel and refund your order probably get fired I mean it's like no drop it off at the front desk but you so you never leave your apartment ever there's no way you can go to the fucking front desk not do not for each you you ordered a service we start we need that we need to draft disabled people and send them to Iran to do what exactly annoy them annoy them yeah yeah excuse me I'm disabled just

blowing their nose on a bunch of tapestry I have to do this some ancient yeah like fucking right it's shoving a genie lamp up I don't feel like a gene lamp with Mountain Dew I don't need this I'm emotionally disabled excuse me I'm disabled and this is ableist for you to say that I can't wipe my ass on your oriental rug those rags fucking rock my mom repairs those that was her job for years mm-hmm they're awesome which below you right now is that that's not real that's from like Home Depot no it's not max max really yeah it was really nice it was free because someone cut it in half on the other side oh it's like

double the size of this damn trail yeah giant rug yeah interesting it's very nice it's all right I don't know as a man as another confers something's off with this this is not I fuck kids what's awful it's not I don't know it doesn't look hand hand done to me and done well it's not a flat weave it's gotta I don't know what the fuck I'm yes you have to fuck up were you were you the one who was who who spent his add some of his adolescence at Michael's Oriental rugs Michael's rug gallery wouldn't use that name that's what they're called in the 90s that's what they were called you ever get brought to like antique shops by

your mom ever no never and teach you never went to one I remember like a handful of times and it was always like driving somewhere like taking like going to New York but like through PA like going like a weird way I like like memories of like yeah maybe there was one probably get through Lancaster some shit like that was one I think there was like a like some small town north of like Frederick or something that I went into like an antique shop one time when I was a kid and like it just creeped the fuck out of me oh yeah this old shit you know yeah I mean we we she never took us to that place but she took us to one

of her friends her the her boss at her boss's house was like that I remember one time we had to go visit and it was just like all old creepy shit and he was like an old Iranian man and his wife was like the most annoying Jewish lady I've ever met in my life and it was just like everything was antique she couldn't touch anything a lot of creepy dolls yeah those houses suck and the furnitures never comfortable never comfortable yeah it's all like yeah it's all those places suck yeah give me beanbag nothing but beanbag chairs hell yeah dude Fort style I want yeah I want blankets yeah you know I'm saying I want fucking snuggies

when you know when people sometimes make you take your shoes off in my house you take your clothes off you put a snuggie on that's very nice well it's because I'm afraid of germs it just looks like a fucking eyes wide shut I'm about to I'm about to have a fucking I'm about to have a I'm about to have a fucking household where you take your shoes off and put put a little Korean fucking spa slippers that's a really nice touch it's an honestly if you're in a no-shoes house you should gotta have the Korean spot yeah for sure yeah and I'm gonna have wide by the way because I know what it's like to have to be given

complimentary footwear and it's not wide enough when a person literally can't get to where you left their food you have no right to expect empathy or a tip I'm gonna find this person and kill them theoretically I what are you fine dude I'm gonna do it in what do people say in Minecraft yeah is that I don't know is that one of them is it like a way around the way the way people who say in Minecraft or I would love to get into in a self-defense situation the fuck was I just about to say damn now I'm thinking about that you got me reminiscing about my time after school at Michaels Rock Gallery dude yeah there

was a good-ass Chinese spot right there there's they might be hot oh the disabled chicks yeah oh no never mind it makes sense looks like Barney yikes damn yeah so there's a 7-eleven dude and sometimes I would get slushies and Chinese food would you mix up the flavors absolutely suicide and we became friends with the people that owned it the Korean family that owned it they had a very cute fat little daughter mm-hmm sometimes it would just wouldn't even charge me for the slushies dude oh I thought you were gonna say you used to hook up now she was like a baby oh okay yeah I thought you know they had a fat

little kid your mom had a fat little kid we didn't fuck you guys up and matching outfits that would actually be cute as hell I would love that we should all have kids around the same time mm-hmm so that they can all go out with each other yeah dude my son's gonna fuck all your sons in the asses yeah our sons could be gay together but mine will win mine will break your your son's hearts because his cock is gonna be good and big because it skips a generation I can't wait for my son to be living at his mother's house yeah that really is the dream no joke I would love to be a fucking just a dad that pops in

every cool this and that the real thing we can even Hawking boyhood yep just have a sick car yeah I like this like all of the social issues that fucking bled out of academia and like this like distilled into whatever the fuck social media became it is now just at the level of customer service disputes and that's all they are yeah it's literally just fucking it is just customer service disputes no I mean I get that it's like difficult to be disabled and like have to go down and get your food but they're like taking it out on the most vulnerable members I mean look I that's that I see what they're saying because if the

fucking business if the business what they advertise as we give it right to your door and they don't send it they don't do that that's fucking annoying but at the same time you're like who are you mad at you're mad at a fucking minimum wage minimum wage like driver that shit's happened to me and I've been mad and then I'm like oh she's fucking who cares mm-hmm you know what I mean you just go get your shit and you tip them extra because your life is better you know I'm saying you just got head after a road gig and you wanted some pizza and what am I gonna be mad that they don't come into the hotel or am I

just gonna pop outside get the get the pizza and wings tell her thank you her son is in the car I feel bad now yeah he had to wait which is something that literally happened to me one time a door-dash lady had her like I was mad because she like took forever and like wouldn't drop the shit off I thought the lady that was giving you the blowjob had her son I literally guess what she's divorced no that's never happened to me just some chick coming over I think I've only fucked one mom in my life mm-hmm have you how many of you I mean I didn't I wasn't trying to set you I was asking Nick I was asking Nick that

question Nick anyway damn I can't wait to honestly I know it's bad for a kid but being like a distant father seems cool oh yeah go in a laser tag and get an ice cream sundaes and shit talking shit about mom so none of us will be fathers and we'll die alone yeah no no I don't know man I think I could see myself being a bad father now you're gonna have a heart attack in a couple years I'm gonna overdose and that I'm gonna like discover some weird inheritance from mm-hmm some vampire uncle yep I wish yeah now you'll find you'll just like fall into some kind of money no I think I will probably have a

family but not leave them in the right when I do die early not leave them in the right situation that would be nice man take take from everyone not give back I just want to die in my owl sanctuary it'll happen to move to Montana it'll happen to you want now it's Montana shit when I first met you you were talking about Montana oh yeah that's it that's a motif yeah that's cuz it knows Montana he was gonna go to taxidermy school Alaska phase that was brief that was recent he and that was more about that was more about property taxes yeah do you get paid for living there too because the oil revenues yeah

really yeah damn do you get head from Alaska it's about to fucking be very you know haven't a gila there's a book about that Jewish Alaska the Yiddish policemen's union yid yid glues the eagle yid glues Michael Chabon juice oh yeah we've talked about this before I listened to I think the author was on fresh air Michael Chabon and I listened to the interview but I'll never read about ice switch out ice which no like ashrits but it's cold ice yeah I think it was pretty cold now sure it's yeah no it's very comfortable no I think it was in cold it was like it's just like a fucking very thick like a motel six I

don't think I really don't think that oh you mean like it's a development no no I mean at the time it was a super eight or whatever and then afterwards like the beds were awful it was like it was barbed wire I have to say I have to say at Auschwitz the service was terrible yeah I believe that you know you would ring a bell and nobody would show up damn what movie did I just watch where somebody talked about being in Auschwitz and got it I was that Paul Rudd show where he's like a twin or something oh yeah there's a clone or something my cousin was watching that when he was in yeah it looks fucking annoying and

stupid honestly he liked it a lot yeah tell him to suck my fucking dick Paul Judd how about that oh he did erase my memory card my ps1 dude that's don't bring it up that is which game Tony Hawk Pro Skater I brought it up on the show before I got heated every time I did about it dude I worked so well my franchise mode on Madden we get saved over I would be fucking pissed dude unbelievable all the work you put in all the work all the not getting pussy in high school to play franchise mode on Madden and draft well I loved drafting I never I didn't even like playing the actual games that much dude you like the front I was a front

office guy yeah me too I loved scouting you know checking out the rookies the promising young rookies about what I'm sorry I thought I had to say something no yes me and got in trouble because they had like a like a slave auction right for what yeah they like it wasn't like it it wasn't like a slave they held an auction maybe it was for fantasy football for the draft or something uh-huh and then they were like no this is like you're auctioning off that's how people play fantasy football those you auction players I guess it is kind of like these the fucking I mean the what is the fuck the combine is fucked up these motherfuckers

are naked they're like measuring their bodies and shit and they're asking them like to get completely naked they make you sit on one of those bicycles with a dildo in it as fast as you can while they measure your heart rate yep exactly they're like and he's gay he's too gay his heart isn't beating fast enough enjoying it too much we can tell he's like he's smiling to relax yeah then they have like interviews with where they play mind games they fuck with you this fucked up like they doesn't have the leadership qualities yeah like who'd they tell who's the guy that they were like I think that's Brian they're like

gay no they're your mom's a whore they called their mom a prostitute it's like yeah you should swing on somebody that's it in a professional setting yeah imagine if he was like I heard your mom's a fucking slut to the GM they'd be like he's unacceptable he doesn't have the leadership qualities to play the quarterback position yeah how about the beat-offership quality the beat-offership where am I I have some serious beat-offership qualities I'm being cooked by the light yeah you're pretty you're pretty toasty by the light getting me sucked off by my mouth putting me into the zone I'm sucking your dick and

then I'm fucking your ass like I just always have heartburn just never goes away yeah that's part of well we did have a pretty greasy diner breakfast you had a greasy-ass diner burger have you been yeah yeah that'll do that'll do her chief yeah oh my god that'll do her chief the Richard Jewel movie oh yeah that looks stupid it was possibly gay that is a good point what Nick just said and I actually sort of make you would really I tend to run tomatoes featured reviewer you would really like a nick because it's like one of the most anti-cop movies I've ever seen oh really from Clint Eastwood you know me punk rock

is yeah Nick is Nick is sticking poking a cab onto his fucking tits right now I hate I just hate authority and now cops and the people the cops hate well not really the cops don't have problem with disabled people yeah thank you I bet you disabled people have too much authority that's what that's true they control all the parking spaces they boss people around yep uh-huh yeah dude I want that spot I'm trying to go to Buffalo Wild Wings I'm not trying to fucking walk too much you fucking assholes yeah how about that yeah cuz honestly dude I get to white Marshmall and I'm trying to watch UFC and eat Buffalo Wild Wings the

one the spot that's for expecting mothers to is bullshit cuz it's like that's like that's a spot yeah this is with this one's for expecting mothers and it's like that's you had you didn't what sucks about childbirth is squeezing the fucking thing out of your pussy no I think carrying a child probably no it's the pussy being it literally is fucking the same as being fat thank you no different than being thank you in fact you throw up in a woman's body I throw up a lot my I get stuck when I a whole fucking thing a bed and Jerry's at 3 a.m. I wake up and I have a fucked up stomach and I have

diarrhea yeah okay and they did it to themselves ex as I did yeah we have a lot in common pregnant women in fact you know what disabled people parking spots gone mothers parking spots gone fat people only the dude chiching thank you fat dudes only they get up front thank you fat women you better get yourself pregnant bitch that's right because we took their spots well how about this if you're if you're fat before you got pregnant because then you're double fat then you're double fat so then you get a spot and you have to deal with yeah but you're most equipped being a man you carry all that deal

exactly they know what niggas saying is right but okay this is the baby is like a cock in society doesn't treat them yep society treats double fat women and fat men spots pregnant men get parking spots mm-hmm pregnant how much would it cost to get me on the stage of the next debate we'd have to get a certain amount of time who's that guy's lawyer yeah we we have another there's two people debate as a team and it's Nick and stuff who share a two-bedroom apartment Glen Bernie dude Glen Bernie is so fucking horrible and I remember I was like it's not that bad it's like the butt of the joke the way

like Dundalk and shit is but it's like you know what dude there's some charm to Dundalk Glen but yeah Glen Bernie is not as bad as Glen Bernie is worse than Dundalk because it's not as bad as done exactly Dundalk is like gets to be it's like the one of those places it's like Dundalk Columbia yeah they think it's their suburb you know what I mean it's like this is nice well Dundalk gets to be that place it's like this is just this retarded white trash yeah kind of like ridiculous shithole yeah whereas Glen Bernie is like that but also they got a bunch of Paneras exactly yeah you know what you know what Dundalk has is

is charming local businesses like Jimmy's like a Chinese restaurant that used to be a paint store exactly there literally is one of those there's that weird squires pizza that's like this old ass like everyone says it's good ass pizza and it sucks dick yeah that's good that's you know that's pretty much I'm kind of topping it oh there's the diner that my dentist owns that one time when my brother was getting a fucking teeth cleaning someone came in whispered in his ear that there was a gas that was making people sick in the diner and he stopped cleaning my brother's teeth and ran away to fix it there's that place

I believe it's called the bull I won't I won't say what it's called for legal reasons but you know that exists the Popeye's that my mother would take us to after we sat in the library while she did errands and you know did Carmen San Diego and didn't read a book and then also rented mystery men yeah we watched that recently it's good yeah he returned I believe after the how much pussy you think Peewee Herman got was he gay no you they got called masturbating in a porn theater was it gay porn no that's like bullshit right doesn't everyone masturbate in a porn theater is

not the point just you know you just willford willford what's it well I told you guys about that please be mad if the audience finds out that you go to a gay porn theater some masturbate because I won't tell we won't say anything if hold on all right so I won't say just don't bring it up I beat I beat all that yeah we beeped the stuff about saying that you go to gay porn theaters you pay jack off and leave me up to the past you're like I'm worried the audience is gonna find out that I'm a pedophile so if you could just keep that on the down and we have never hold on yeah that's beef yeah it's just we've never brought it up and

we've always lied to the cops for you they have come to our house that's why I don't like the cops that's why you had to say you're you hate the cops because you're implying that you're reminding yourself that I'm a good friend to you yeah I was a big blue lives matter guy until they started trying to get you for fucking children what you do all the time having sex with him you're like looks first of all there's a difference between a feebophilia and pedophilia and I am a pet and I'm both I'm a pedophilia I want to be the guy that's like making that distinction but they're like I fuck six year olds yeah yeah okay

there's got to be a difference between better there's got to be multiple ones yeah there's probably baby guys you fuck babies yeah even that in the baby fucking community there's the guys that are like the infant isn't dead to guys it's not like we are first of all it is mostly a servicing relationship we do a lot to the infant and not in them we suck the baby's balls we just have to like fucking talk respectfully to somebody that you've arrested for sucking a baby's balls just jacking his little sauce penis and they're like it's okay Mike yeah your lawyers that are being admitted obviously you don't have to talk

to us but you need a coffee or anything and it's like your job to gather evidence that job has to be traumatic you have to fuck yeah and it's funny because there's people that do that I have a friend who works in and then a cop so killed themselves and then people like probably because he felt guilty about all the black men he killed and it's like or you know just having to look at child pornography yeah not to be sympathetic to police officers I mean they deserve to die for the killer killing the ones that aren't but the reason they did it is is often a reason of humanity yeah and thank you for John and I saw the 700

clubs that's right that's true I wish for the 700 club had the same theme song as curb your enthusiasm yeah I'm Pat Robertson there's starving children in Africa and they deserve to be that way because they're gay you know it's called that because yeah Jesus dick was 700 inches wrong now that one deserves the guitar rift dude I don't know if that's the one here I still have that electric guitar we bought a guitar center you bought you haggled well you played it and Nick and I were together and try and sell it to me no I'm saying we can jam dude I tried to jam I tried to learn how to play guitar

when I was in like ninth grade I think my teacher was this blonde guy that that wore a shirt that said NYPD biggest street gang in the world yeah he was in a while cool and I saw that I was like damn hell yeah nice brother milkshakes brother it was pretty milkshakes dude I know that whole thing is okay I'm throwing milkshakes at fascists that will show if there's one thing I can't stand it's fascists I love to wear my messenger bag around on my bike and get mad at fascist fascism damn I would love a milkshake and then a little nap I don't want to go to therapy dude yeah I've been going to therapy in four weeks

and the holidays have been so much I got so much to fucking unload on my man right now yeah you guys kiss if I don't know I can feel like he wants to hug sometimes yeah what about instead of like a massage probably I think it's like a therapy it's like I got jacked off at the end I think a psychiatrist you get more that's not bad nice and some the guy was like leaving her office and appointment before mine I get in there I was like who the fuck was that yeah what the fuck she was laughing you're seeing other guys like no what the fuck is this you know and she's like laughing and then I was like what if I just to

continue this bit the entire time is she gonna stop me and be like your problem is that you turn everything no I wouldn't say that's your issue yeah no no yeah absolutely not Adam I'm gonna return back I want to circle back to what you were saying about yeah what if you just get jacked off at the end of your session it'd be nice that would be right now my dad did this and you know now so scarred from that and then you get jacked off so your therapist I'd be a hot lady whatever or do they bring someone in just a technician no it would have to be the same person would have to be the same person I think you'd have to get the

same guy because in my it honestly to be a guy myself to be honest with you because I see a guy I don't really want to get I don't want to get jacked off by my guy me neither so what I'm saying is bring a little would be weird yeah it would be weird to go see a therapist it's like a tiny Asian woman dude my therapist and fucking in Baltimore was hot yeah you've been doing good job but don't you feel like you can't really be a good job you do is good job on your your brain do they have talk therapy dude you need to do that that's how that's what's gonna lock you yeah you put you fucking get get to your Chinese roots

yeah you know I'm saying they have talked therapy in China just a Chinese guy saying that he's like yeah I feel bad stop don't don't feel bad he's like okay I'm sure they do okay good job I'm sure they do I think they probably exactly I think it's a little different than that but it's probably just like that yeah well Apple Apple's no I mean you say I'm sure they do I don't know if they do I don't know do not know if they have therapists in China I think it might be a western it's very much a west like it no come on they got therapy what the fuck they didn't have therapy here until like the fucking 70s yeah but do they

have other kind of doctors in China yes yeah but I mean it's like that's also that doesn't mean that like this the idea that everyone should be in fucking therapy and there's something fundamentally I'm not saying it's in the fucking western-ass China I'm saying in the big-ass cities isn't a doctor I think yeah most aren't doctors yeah most aren't doctors yeah bitch kind of they have acupuncture and this is like oh yeah they probably do have a you know what you're right they probably go to acupuncture this is like a bunch of Chinese guys in a podcast and like do you think they have fucking like that's

a great point actually like do they have acupuncture in China in America it's probably the same way we have acupuncture and it's kind of an inch thing yeah yeah Chinese guys that of course they have acupuncture don't they have other kind doctor and that fact I keep the fact I need I would be right by the way other Chinese guy is like yeah but I bet the way America have acupuncture is real soft like feather oh I taught you with feather do you feel better baby or do you have to go talk to my doctor because you baby they're upset about capitalism even though you live a very comfortable life in your

baby world you want to come to China to be to be real communist because you're not getting enough money making $90,000 freelancing listicles in your New York apartment look I'm not saying it's a thriving fucking booming ass business probably in Hong Kong they have it right but I bet you you know it starts just get I'm gonna look up a talk therapist in I just googled it talk therapy therapy in China no no I'm gonna find the town that's meet somewhere in the middle between talk therapy Qing no the demand for psychotherapy in China is Jing Zhang thank you Jing

Qing Chong Zhu Zhang that sounds like a city in China and let's see zero results actually I believe I've been vindicated yeah well that well no no no you haven't because they're they've been unable to meet the man because in 2013 there was a law that went into effect that restricted the ability of psychologists in mainland China offer thank you no I was right they need and they have it yeah but the fucking government you is stopping the beautiful free market thank you y'all race y'all y'all race it's not race it's just a different culture I know I mean I don't even think they have that much

therapy in Greece yeah fuck yeah I mean whoever they got Jews they got therapy yeah they only have psychotherapy in hospitals in China yeah that's what it says and that's the thing it's like when psychotherapy was invented like fucking like it was to deal with like people with like like the Rosies like fuck people with like a stutter people like can't stop masturbating in public like you wouldn't go with like to see a psychoanalyst and being like yeah I got broken up with maybe like yeah but they're fucking beat their wives when they went that shit started what do you mean checkmate no checkmate brother

you've never even played chess I have I've though I was talking about checkers yeah King me okay that's not you winning the game King me double triple King me that's fine I still have gotten all of your pieces no I'm not the King bitch yep I have that I just said to keep you got one you got one piece to the end of the board meanwhile you what are you looking at your whole back wall is filled with crowns yeah but I'm gonna come back with my new King powers and get your whole shit fuck your whole shit up is it physically impossible I've never put I don't know how checkers work that's what I thought that's cuz I'm

playing Chinese check my dick is small I've never seen my own dick because it is too small it's small and my balls are too my balls are bigger than my dick because I'm gay my penis that song is by a blind guy oh he's never seen his penis yeah yeah yeah even though I haven't seen it I know that it's more I was just like what a beautiful song my wife tells me my dick is small I would love to go to Naples and to listen to that song oh yeah her and what's her phrase went to row her in Paris though didn't row get her fucking pussy worked over in Paris yeah but Caribbean rappers wait really no she

didn't get a pussy I've been slowly been rewatching the show I mean I'm constantly just watching yeah but I'm getting the season 6 now when is the fucking like Kevin Finnerty 6 B 6 B yeah oh really it's deep in there yeah I mean my mind it was like way earlier people were going crazy at the time because they were like the show is almost gonna be over and they're in this like dream state he gets shot at the end of season 6 well you're right it is that late holy shit and people like what the fuck is this shit I want to say hey what the fuck I want him to whack some fuck and move

my dick is too small my penis and my balls throw a little effect on that dude and my dick is too small my dick is too small my dick my dick is too small I can't fuck anyone with my small ass little fucking dick I'm gay in my dick smaller than my balls my balls are bigger than my dick I'm gay and no one sucks me off I love saying my dick small as my balls a show called America America's next dude America's next guy that hangs out next top guy that chills the other guys that chill I've never had sex I am gay please fuck my ass I am gay I'm gay my ass is fucked I get fucked in my ass please fuck my ass please fuck my fuck

my ass don't fuck me with a pussy I must only be fucked by men because I'm gay as hell and thank you for listening to the show come town this is the end this show sucks we're gonna kill ourselves I don't want to do it anymore I'm not being ungrateful I've seen the way all of this ends it's not pretty it's going to be bad unless you quit while you're ahead and then not even the pinnacle was the trip to Australia and ever since then it's just been delaying the inevitable I just wish we could have had a conversation when you wish Adam that we could shout out dude the effects are so fucking good dude I felt like I was really singing over there for a second let's turn this into a singing podcast I'm an auto tuner that plug it in it's happening wow let's do it yeah and then we can we can really develop our singing voices next bonus don't expect to hear a single non-sung word instead of quitting the show we just sincerely made this singing practice and people could listen to us like try to harmonize and there's no it's like you know like Steve Martin did a banjo album yeah it's like for two years the podcast is just us learning how to yeah but then songs that suck yes you know of course yeah it wouldn't be like funny it would be like real sincere songs are trying to do it's 12 o'clock and it's so wonderful day you're listening to the silver chair podcast I know you hate me but I'll ask a clean land let's do hilarities again but just sing yeah I went to an improv show the whole time I'm gone won't you come with me and fuck me in my ass fuck me in my fucking nails the first act fuck my fucking nails I'm gay shut up

ran over fucking gay and I can't fuck my ass cause I can't go too far rise in the Vaseline we are can't wait to get fucked in my ass can't stop thinking about getting fucked in my ass you fuck me I fuck you fuck me in my ass thank you for fucking my whole life I'm gay it feels real good I fly in my ass we are what's real and what's for sale my ass is for sale that's pretty good well you know they do like these the best lyrics of any decade mm-hmm I smell hot ass pain ass I smell getting fucked in my ass who's that sucking on my balls thank you I lost my mind thinking about gay sex all of the gay sex that I left behind on Ellison road mm-hmm what are some other songs from the 90s yeah let's take a look at yeah just take a look just go we'll just go ahead and look here on google just take a look I I'm getting sucked off now and I'm gay we have to guess the song okay and I have never had sex before because I don't know it I don't even know what's that queen's original no it's a song but I don't remember what it is that queen's right song silent lucidity and I know and I have never sucked a dick I don't know the actual songs wow this game rules I just this is a great game to play with a guy that doesn't know this I can't tell you whether I don't know what song you were doing earlier what the ointment shit

about Vaseline but I have no idea I've never heard that song but I was vibing I'll tell you that much you know you know this I got one I got one suck on my dick because I'm gay and suck my penis I am gay and suck my penis my dick is fucking little and I want to suck my penis hey suck my penis this is Vaseline okay which I was familiar I mean I was vibing don't get me wrong hey come on Scott oh yeah oh this is a good ass song dude yeah this is rocks yep yeah although I gotta say I like our version better yeah yeah you really will kiss and fuck me in my home I fuck you you fuck me yeah definitely definitely oh boy oh boy oh boy well listen what about how about falling gay with Michael Douglas huh oh just the movie yeah falling down yeah I like

he's had enough you call this a cheeseburger they used to put cum between the patties it was something called customer service which I used to get not anymore everything's cheap I was wondering if there's a place to have gay sex is there a place to have gay sex around is there a place to have gay sex in the bathroom yeah like falling gay yeah I'm sorry wasn't there wasn't there some idea of customer service then you could have gay sex then you could be paid for having gay sex you know someone used to come out and have gay sex with the customer in my day you came to a jc pennies for a new suit they sucked your cock and they sucked your ass this is the song you were doing

no I don't think so dude and I have never fucked your ass this is your favorite song I've never I don't know this song stop your friend he stops playing the song I don't know dude I think it's on at night I think it's yours dude I did live with this like fucking white trash couple that it was like I forget the guy's name but he had been in prison for four years and as soon as you met him he would be like yeah how you doing his name was like Glenn or something he was a bricklayer and he had this fat bitch girlfriend Terry go on to die you fat bitch Terry was just a pig and he just but I mean I told this story before but yeah one time I came in and they were watching

like fucking watching queen right queens right gone like Comcast music to hell yeah like Comcast music channel and just she just had her eyes closed and was like shaking her head back and just vibing yeah just getting really into Queens right hell yeah and then he was like you know doing that like standing like full body yes rhythmic fucking yeah it's like 3 p.m. they're just drunk respect yeah that's a nice little afternoon that guy Glenn was so funny man because like I would smoke weed with him in the garage I was like 19 and he was like 37 hell yeah dude I spoke with him in the garage he's like yeah you know I mean I just did four years in prison but I don't like talking about it I was like that's a cool you don't have to and he's like yeah it's for assault

so you got fucking started some shit at a bar and I fucked his ass up and undo it again he went to jail for that long it's like you don't have to you don't have to talk you really it's cool man I don't in fact I'd kind of prefer if you didn't actually yeah I didn't see him for a while and they're like nobody saw him for a while then my like my other roommate like it's like yeah I saw Glenn and I guess he had a but he like shows up at the bar they worked at a bar and he's just got like claw marks all over his face he was like yeah me and terry broke up oh shit you got attacked by the revenant yeah we broke up yeah we broke up yeah just listening to fucking

this is just before having disgusting like guy who was in jail now as a fat girlfriend sex yeah you have to know when this song dropped you'll wait till the drop and you'll not you'll just imagine these people oh my god oh this guy's singing voices someone close to have one of those sounds like stuff or one of the worst song hell yeah or has it just begun or has it just begun and they look into each other's eyes no not even they did they never looked into each other's eyes this fabric just like with a whole their core's light in the fucking coozy just like just jam head back and forth he's like fucking like

looking like he's about to whatever that throw up weren't standing worm yeah yeah yeah that's a fucking good ass song respect to them and has it just begun that's a fucking that's a fun term right dude it has it just begun i fucking think about that shit all the time i'm sure i've talked about this guy before but yeah there was one time where he's like fucking yeah man i want to show you some of the tattoos i came up with in jail and he brings me into his room and he opens a shoe box and it's literally i was like oh these are drawings these aren't tattoos yeah these are things you've drawn on like you know they're tattoos yeah and what they it was like it was great dude it was like a skull and a top hat with flames that's awesome it was just an 11 year old

yeah and then he's like looking he's looking at the box and then he's like just looking down and going through him and he's like i'm gonna show these to my son one day oh my god oh my god damn all right p to him i assume he's dead yeah i don't know he's probably back in jail um he was like one of those guys who would always talk about how fun austin was in the 90s you know oh yeah and then the way he describes fun is like you know just doing blow every night going out to bars and it's like you know you can still do that yeah all of that has nothing to do totally possible you can fucking go back to like del valley texas and do that there yeah yeah there's no reason to be here yeah you're just expensive violent drug addict yeah there's

greyhound stations to get into arguments that in every city in this country where are you up buddy oh fuck dude that diner breakfast is hitting me yeah yeah me too i'm feeling it i should have ordered those pancakes you got pancakes for the table dude i know and i respected that move and it was delicious i just wanted my boys to have a sweetie dream now i'm sleepy um uh listen folks uh please come see if you want somebody sing gay actually i won't be singing gay songs on stage i'll be doing stand-up comedy but please come see me this month in tampo on the 26th milwaukee the 29th apple tinder 30th shy town 31st in the first and then i'm in rhod island uh the weekend of the six through the eighth dallas 13th through the 15th valentine's day um uh dc the 20th through

the 22nd then i'm in fucking uh phoenix tucson fucking dublin london and some other shit but yeah go to starby dot biz for all that shit go to my twitter go to my instagram i'm coming to those cities and come to fat tuesdays every tuesday at the stand and we've got a hot funny mom's coming back after our holiday break right adam yeah it's gonna be hot and go to nick you're gonna be places right um i still don't know if that shits all up okay but soon nick will also be around so buy tickets to see your favorite little fuckboys on the road australian april and then australia at some point in april we're coming i think if it's even still around as a country yeah that should get burnt to a crisp that's metal as hell though right that is some queens rike type shit some queens

rike and australia prayers up for australia i don't even know what the line is before that but there's no way it's anything cool that warrants or has adjusted i think the dream is over if i recall correctly the dream is over or has it just begun or has it just begun that that would be cool if you think the dream is over you're like fuck my cool dreams over yeah psych bitch it's about to start on saturdays or has it just begun i get it dude i understand the impulse to want it to have just begun oh yeah we're gonna put on some queens rocket up to deep creek lake get our dick sucked in the dodge dynasty that's a man that lives by the war has it just become code yeah yeah panished yeah right all right goodbye everybody go buy comedy madness from greg panish on amazon

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