The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 19 – Rape Science

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

We get into some scientific stuff in this one. Ever hear of Bill Nye? Well imagine if he fucked. That’s basically what this show is. about.

Hello Hello everyone, welcome to another edition of your favorite podcast, Comptown. Hey, there you go dude, is that your first intro? I think so. Nice. I think I tried it once and I did not do it professionally. We got Adam on the ones and twos. I like the idea of a guy that doesn't know what ones and twos means. What does it mean?

It means like two turntables. Oh, shit. Turntable one and turntable two. Oh, man. We should have just not told him. Then Stav could have been that guy. He was until this very moment. Can I be honest?

That was my guess. I love guys that say things wrong. When I worked at GameStop, I worked at GameStop as a seasonal employee. Uh-huh. And then the manager there was this guy, Bill, that would drive. That was your career. It's fine. We get it. Seasonal. Okay. That's one of your credits on a stand-up lineup.

Yeah. Seasonal former seasonal employee. Seasonal employee. Then I won't tell the story. Tell the story. It's funny. GameStop is a funny place. I'm sure the story's going to be funny. You're a good storyteller. Thanks. I'm sure the story's going to be funny. You're a good storyteller. Thanks.

I'm feeling bad about myself lately. No, no. Tell the story. Fuck you. I bought shorts and they don't have pockets and they make me look like a five-year-old. These are my good shorts, but they're ruined. Those are your good shorts? Yeah. Those look fucking stupid as shit.

It's almost not shorts weather anymore. These are not your good shorts. Those are almost not shorts weather anymore. These are not your good shorts. Those are just the shorts you always wear. That doesn't make them good. Yeah, they have, I see like

four holes in the front. They're black. They were black, but they're like bronze. Somehow your shorts are rusted. They're light brown now.

Yeah. How is that how to rust on your shorts? How is cotton rusted? From working. From working? From being a working man? Yeah.

From working hard. Well, they look gay. Working hard, hardly working. So anyways, I was at GameStop working there. Yeah. When I worked there.

And the manager, Bill, was this retard that... And I mean, he wasn't like an actual retard. I mean, he was like a fucking idiot. Yeah. Who knows if he was retarded?

He... Sorry, the cat is. We don't have kingdom hearts. The cat. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. The cat's chewing a dead mouse in the living room right now. Yo, fuck this cat, man. No, actually, that's a cool cat.

No, there's no cool cat. Now it's like batting it with its hand and it doesn't understand that it's dead. It's like Lenny. It's pulling a. Now it's like batting it with its hand, and it doesn't understand that it's dead. It's like Lenny. It's pulling a Lenny right now. If we get up close to it, it'll put the mouse back in its mouth. Yeah. All right, so as we're going to GameStop, I can't have the podcast derail this quickly. Absolutely not.

This is not the bonus. I already decided the other episode is going to be the bonus episode. So this one's got to be good? It's called the N-word threshold. Okay. If the N-bombs are dropped, it becomes premium content. Oh, shit. That's what people said. It's going to happen.

Did we say the N-word on the bonus one? I told that story about my dad with the Australian guy. Oh, right. Which I had to say it. Yeah, you had to. It was so funny. Yeah funny yeah guys that's premium though you you bitch-ass motherfuckers who don't have that won't ever find yeah you're not gonna hear that great story about that australian guy using the n-word um so yeah when i worked at

gamestop the manager was this guy bill who did i already tell this story or no i don't think so oh man so bill yeah bill would just hear people say things and then repeat them like the big was this guy Bill. Did I already tell this story or no? I don't think so. Oh, man. So Bill, yeah. Bill would just hear people say things and then repeat them like the Big Lebowski without understanding what they meant. And like one time he was like, yeah, I'm planning on, I want to put these games here, but then forte these other games above them.

What the fuck? He's like, you just guessed completely he's like no context yeah it does sound pretty good forte it yeah yeah one time he was like uh he was using the word preface wrong like a bunch kept saying preface incorrectly one time he just shit his pants i know that i was gonna ask you about i remember you told me that story. What happened for that again? He fucking, I came into work. First of all, this dude lived in Bel Air. And the store was in. Bel Air, Maryland.

And the store was in Rockville. Which, that's a two-hour drive. That's very far. If you're lucky, it's two hours. It's a two-hour drive, yeah. That's basically D.C. Yeah, he would drive all the way down every morning and work bell to bell every day. He wasn't he wasn't an hour. He was a salaried employee. He was a manager.

So he got his like twenty thousand dollars a year to manage the GameStop. And so he didn't have to be there, but he would work 73 hour weeks. And I remember asking him one time, I'm like, Bill, why do you do that? And he's like, well, I'll tell you what. It impresses the district managers are all pleased with me. All of the area managers are pleased with me. And, you know, that's the kind of thing that's important for moving up. And it's like, Bill, you don't have a college degree. You're never going to move past store manager.

They don't hire store managers as like district managers. You're already, you're done. You got to the top. I don't want to do this. You don't think GameStop would let him if he beat Zelda fast enough be a district manager? Yeah, that's how it works. He also told me, he's like,

I also do loss prevention for the district, which was a lie. They don't have that, I don't think. They don't have a guy that just does loss prevention. And then that store, I told you that story. That store got robbed one time. It didn't get robbed. It had this like A-frame with all the Game Boy games in it.

This is already like, I don't know, this is probably like 2007. So Game Boy was really on its last legs. It was done. So the games cost, like if you wanted to buy them, they were maybe like three bucks a piece. The trade-in value is nothing. So the entirety of this case was worth maybe like $4 worth of merchandise. Adam got the mouse and he's putting it in his pocket, maybe to sell later at the market. Listen, you don't know how much these go for these days watch it with the fucking wires i'm gonna put the mic down throw it out real quick okay all right tell the story i want to hear this

fucking so game boy a-frame full of game boys yeah so fuck i should have drank some coffee no it's fine this is a good story i'm fucking it up it's adam's fault for stealing forgetting the mouse it's just it was distracting me it was distracting everybody there's a fucking dead mouse on the floor I can't see it because it's blocked by the table it was really distracting um we really have to call an exterminator for the uh Anthony Cumia Studios yeah it's fucking we're well and and and it got in a little bit of trouble calling exterminators. They told him, we don't do black guys, and just please stop calling. Yep. So he actually can't do business with any of the companies in New York City.

He called every single exterminator in New York and asked them to exterminate. How do you get rid of these fucking people? I'm sure you find one. In New York? Yeah. It's a big city. Yeah, I'll do it. I got a guy for that. How big is he? Yeah. It's a big city. Yeah, I'll do it. I got a guy for that.

How big is he? Yeah. Oh, you said he was a rat. Wink, wink. No problem. He just murders the guy in broad daylight. He just goes to jail. Now, I'll be seeing about that $25 you owe me.

Pal. Yeah, so this fucking case with these Game Boy games in it was worth nothing. Yeah. Somebody had the glass sliding doors in the front, but they kind of went those locks with the teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that was like, you know, those locks with the teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody found that you could wiggle them on the sides just enough to steal the sides.

So they stole 10 Game Boy games off the side, and I just noticed it. And I told the assistant manager, John, who was 34 and wore an Indiana Jones hat, and had this shitty facial hair and this shitty stringy long hair and uh i told john and bill and uh you know i thought they'd just be like oh okay and they both come over and they're like crossing their arms and like huffing and puffing and they're like

damn it you know and uh john's looking at it it, and he looks at Bill, and he's like, this was probably a professional thief. No, dude. Yeah. The fucking, yeah, Ocean's Eleven came in here and stole your fucking Game Boy games. Stole Dr. Mario for Game Boy. Yeah, yeah. That shit was so fucking games. Stole Dr. Mario for Game Boy. Yeah, yeah. That shit was so fucking funny.

That's incredible. Yeah, no, Bill shit his pants one time. I, like, went into the store and I had to, like, open with him. This is, like, the morning. I'm tired of shit. I don't really want to be there. Yeah, of course.

And I go in, and Bill's like, Would you mind setting that up over there for me? Thanks. And he turns around and walks back to the counter. As soon as he turns around, I notice on his ass, there's shit splattered on the back of his pants. Oh, no. Not like on.

There's brown shit splattered. But it didn't make sense, because if you shit your pants, you shit on the other side. Right. So I don't know. He somehow shit on the back of his pants. It just seeped through? No, I'm assuming he had, like, diarrhea or something and, like, was rushing to pull his pants down and shit on the back.

He shit on the back of them while, like, trying to sit down and shit. Interesting, okay. So I was like, great, this is fantastic. And so as other, like like employees were coming into the store that day i'd be like oh uh yeah hey jeremy how was your weekend oh by the way uh bill shit his pants if you want to take a look you can see he shit his pants and i called my friend matt and uh because like you know i'd made fun of that guy so much yeah and matt's like no way he shit his pants i was like yeah he shit his pants and then like two hours later i was just you know i'd made fun of that guy so much yeah and matt's like no way he shit his pants i was like yeah he shit his pants and then like two hours later i was just

you know like stocking the shelves or something and i just hear from behind me my friend matt's voice he's like can i tell him i'm like man matt had come to the store to see it he's like can i tell him he shit his pants yeah that dude ran over a child on his way to work one morning what yeah he got to work like 20 minutes late and he's like that's it sorry i'm late and he but maybe he's a little bit he goes he's like sorry i'm late uh he's like uh skidded on the ice and uh my car went into a 14 year old girl and she got hit up on the roof, but the police said it was her fault. She didn't have the right of way, so I was clear to come to work, and I was like, Bill, go home. Yeah.

There's no reason for you to be here. He just hit a fucking child. Yeah, he ran over a child on his way to GameStop. That day he shit his pants was the only day he actually left when his shift ended. Yeah. He was like, wow, 3 o'clock. I'm tired. I'm beat. I'm beat.

I'm ready to go. What is that? Oh, man, I wonder what that guy's up to now. I don't know. He told me about when I interviewed for the job. For some reason, he's like, well, I'll tell you a little bit about me.

He was like, I was enlisted in the Army. After the Army, I worked at Suncoast video and worked my way up to manager and i was there for 17 years and then i said jesus how fucking old but how old was he for real he was like probably like 37 38 damn yeah um which i don't understand why that was part of the interview process yeah yeah he's just hoping he doesn't know how to yeah doesn't know how to imagine that working at a suncoast video what a depressing store we never had those we just had blockbuster and hollywood video suncoast video wasn't a rental place yeah what was it it was a video retailer oh they sold like yeah they sold camcorders and

tapes no they sold like vhs tapes and like posters and shit uh later but dvds later it was like a sam goody it was the same exactly yeah same goody for it was like a place where you could get like um like box sets like compilations of shows and stuff okay jesus dude how fuck can you imagine people would fucking go to the mall to a Suncoast video if they wanted to watch season three of a show they liked? Yeah. That shit sucks, dude. Yeah. That was a whole fucking industry.

Yeah. And now it's just like, that asshole doesn't have a job anymore. Yeah. Fucking dickheads like that. You know what's funny is you think back to and it's like, yeah, but you had the shit you were entertained by and you didn't think you were missing out on anything within the context but i remember being like 13 and like just getting so bored i would get fucking like angry yeah you know and start breaking shit you know yeah light stuff on fire like that's what causes that it's like fucking bored no netflix yeah i just get pissed off that i there was nothing to do yeah i fucking i remember once i got the

chapelle show dvds i just watched those that was it yeah that was the time when the dvd box that was king that was right when i came out thing on earth everyone in college had that box set oh yeah and that's why dave chapelle is like super rich now yeah the first thing i ever watched online i think uh was trailer park boys oh yeah there was a website it was like the no it was on like ice films or tv links that was the website tv links hell yeah tv links dot something dot eu yeah uh and i Trailer Park Boys on there. And you'd stick forever for that shit to buffer. Yeah, yeah. You'd have to just fucking pause it and walk away.

Yeah, yeah. Pause it and wait, yeah, like a half hour and then you could watch a whole fucking TV show. And I thought, this is like the greatest thing in the fucking world. Watching like a TV show on my shitty like fucking 15 inch giant CRT monitor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fuck, dude. like fucking 15 inch but giant crt monitor yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck dude then i would go get uh arizona iced tea from cvs which i remember thinking was healthy because it was iced it was green yeah no i didn't drink the green tea i just drank the regular iced tea really yeah i'm like

it's it's tea it's healthy it's not like soda and i drank like three of those. I think Arizona, I see, was put in urban areas by the CIA to kill black people. Oh, they found out about the crack. It's 99 cents. That's like... Just drink this tall boy of sugar. That was Bill Clinton's crack. Oh, yeah. That was, but yeah.

Reagan is to crack as Bill Clinton is to Arizona tall boys. What did fucking Obama do, though? Obama just... White people. He made white people move to Brooklyn. We're the crack of the Obama administration. Human crack. Hey, whoa, whoa.

You guys are the gentrifiers. I live in Astoria. Okay. Well, that's the podcast, folks. Everyone, thank you so much for listening. Please donate. Like and share. okay well that's the podcast folks everyone thank you so much for listening and please donate if you check that shit out

we got n-words for you we just found out right before starting this that David Simon uses the n-word on twitter that was awesome he's on a tear tonight using the n-word and defending his use of it yeah we can't say it because that would make this a premium episode. Hey, any thought that it was okay?

The way he explains it, if you say soft A N-word, the interlocutor of the grammatical, I don't know, some fucking nerd shit makes it not okay to use the N-word, I feel. He's like, listen up, black people. I went to college for saying the N-word. I have a degree in saying the N-word i feel yeah he's like listen up black people i went to college for saying the n-word i haven't agreed saying the n-word yeah i wrote your favorite show he has literally typed out the n-word on a word processor so many times a million times so many times that that he actually the word he has typed he wrote that he wrote the wire with dictation software oh so he shouted yeah it was that early shit that he had to shout at

he only wrote the dialogue for the black people though it would be great to hack Stephen Hawking's computer and then like just throw n-words in there whenever he's talking to Neil deGrasse Tyson he gets beat up yeah Like, you know, just throw N-Words in there whenever he's talking to Neil deGrasse Tyson. You should get Weave up.

Yeah, Weave, who's agreed to do the show because Sam Hyde wouldn't. We'll see if we can get Weave to hack Stephen Hawking's. We should have Weave on and just demand that he does that. I'm down for that. Please hack Stephen Hawking. Just give him things to hack. Oh, fuck. for that please hack steven just give him things to hack oh fuck yeah look i'm a little i'm even more out of it than usual because we're gonna go out to eat after this and i haven't eaten for a while dude i took a fucking i took one of those yeah i took one of those 7 p.m naps where you wake up and you feel like the worst nap yeah you wake up and you feel like there's like a bunch of

blood in your nose the nap where it's light outside you wake up and it's dark and you feel like there's a bunch of blood in your nose. The nap where it's light outside, you wake up and it's dark, and you just have no concept of space or time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the absolute worst. Those are the naps you take and you wake up and you're like, what the fuck? Why do I feel this way? And your body was secretly trying to die where you weren't looking.

It was like, oh oh I'm not doing I'm just hanging out like why can't I feel one of my legs fuck dude I know I'm getting fatter when my fucking legs go numb

when I'm shitting like one of my legs that happens to me all the time I don't think it's a weight thing I think it's a candy crush thing I think it's maybe eating a lot of shit

yeah do you eat your own shit I've been eating like my shit It's a candy crush thing. I think it's maybe eating a lot of shit. Yeah. Do you eat your own shit? I've been eating like my shit, my roommate shit. Yeah. But that's it. I mean, nobody else's. Yeah.

You know how like there's a place in Williamsburg that does a really good shit. You know how people like will like lock themselves in their garage with their car running to kill themselves? Yeah. Yeah. Like a hose from the tailpipe into the car. Just do but with your own ass so it's a hose that goes up your ass and then you jam the other end in your mouth it's a gentle but it takes like four shits for it to fill up you just sit in the library and leave a note you just hold a note and you hand it to people like sir what are you doing it's people and you're like, sir, what are you doing? It's a gentle way to die. Goodbye, cruel world.

Put the hose back in your mouth. Fuck. I actually do have something fucking funny to talk about is I joined, when I was working at that dumb website before it got shut down, we were like, for some reason, we thought it would be good viral marketing to join a bunch of weed groups and post weed jokes on Facebook. But as a result, I forgot that I joined something called 420 BBW Freaks. It's just a bunch of fat bitches going live on Facebook and smoking blunts and sucking dick. And they just show it.

They show sucking dick on Facebook? They show it. Go check out 420 BBW Freaks on Facebook. It's the funniest fucking group. Yeah, they probably have no way of censoring Facebook Live. They have no way of censoring. And it's a bunch of guys trying to fuck fat bitches that love weed. It's so funny.

Just guys posting their glamour shots. Just like, hey, what's up, ladies? Like what you see. It's like he gets no likes. And there's another guy who's like, big ass dick pictures coming through. It'll be like a warning meme. And in the comments,

he posts pictures of his dick. And the women are just like, nice. That guy rules, dude. And then I clicked his dick. And the women are just like, nice. That guy rules, dude. And then I clicked on it. And this bitch has just like, it's like some old white woman. It's got pictures of her children's graduation and shit. It was, dude, some of the best. Big ass dick pictures coming through.

Warning. Big ass dick pics coming through. That's awesome. And then one said medium sized. It was really funny, dude. It's a good group. I got fucking... I like Raytheon on Facebook.

And the guys that leave comments on Raytheon's posts are the fucking best. Oh, yes. It's always a mustache. Always a fucking baseball hat in the picture. The guys that have their profile picture and their cover picture are the same. Oh, that's... Yeah, absolutely. It's just them twice.

Them at a golf course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Them twice. There's just one guy that's like... I'm going to change my shit to that when I get home. Yeah. That's actually a good look, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, guys, don't ever do the thing where you somehow incorporate where the profile picture overlaps the cover photo. Oh, yeah. Like, check out this guy over here or anything like that. He's pointing up. That makes you an asshole. Yeah, of course.

That makes you a stupid asshole. You look like a YouTuber if you do that shit. That's the type of shit YouTubers... You gotta go... You gotta really up your social media game and think about these things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. For example, post nude pictures of yourself.

That's what I do. Shouts out to D Guerrero. Took some good-ass pics of me. You'll see him soon, gang, if you follow me on Instagram at stavibaby, S-T-A-V-B-Y, baby. Jump in those DMs. Try and fuck me. What do you say? This girl that took pictures of you, I ran into her today.

Nomi, also great. Nomi. Nomi photo. Check her out. Now I'm just plugging. No means no. No. No. No means no. know me photo check her out now i'm just no means no no no no no me photo i don't think she knows your name is stav or stavros so she just kept calling you stavi

some people call me stavi was over like uh two weeks ago and we took some we we did a session for maybe hour hour and a half he was just so great to work with. And I was telling Stafi, like, I have this huge loft. You guys should do shows at my house. Why does she have a loft? She's rich. Is she rich or did she just run a business out of there? She's really rich from, she runs a business where she takes sexy pictures of men.

It's like, and women, I guess. It's called like boudoir photography. It would be funny if Stob puts her out of business. He doesn't have the technology. No, I wouldn't because I'm hot, bitch. People want to fuck me. Get this gay ass cat off my ottoman. I think she gets royalties from, she used to work for like Thompson Reuters or some big shit.

Like anytime they run a picture of her, she gets a check. Nice. I wish I had that. You wish you had a picture? Apparently you can make a lot of money. My bit, like whenever I meet a photographer,

like my like asshole bit that I obviously repeat every single time I meet a photographer is, um, they say, oh yeah, I'm a photographer is um they say oh yeah i'm a photographer i like always just take my phone out and i'm like yeah me too buddy me too that is a good bit that's good does that go over no they hate it okay yeah my favorite shitty uh open mic bit is when people are like, yeah, when I tell people a comic, they're like, can you do a bit for me right now?

And it's like, you're not a comedian. I hate that. There's nothing I hate more than that shit, dude. You wouldn't go up to a doctor and be like, yeah, just do some surgery for me right now. Actually, you would. If there was a fucking emergency that happened, if a fucking bomb went off,

they would immediately be like, who here's the doctor? Fuck, that is hilarious. God damn, that's funny. Doctor would be like, what is this guy, a comedian? Why don't you make the comic do it? I'm not at work right now, you piece of shit.

Quick, this man's in dire need of laughs. Back off, pal. Goddamn, I hate open mics so goddamn much. I fucking hate open mics. I hate stand-up comedy. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. Yeah.

No, I'm with you on that one. Who wishes they were dead the most out of us? Probably me right now. I think it fluctuates. I think... I'm on a high, actually, recently. Yeah, I'm with you on that one. Who wishes they were dead the most out of us? Probably me right now. I think it fluctuates. I think... I'm on a high, actually, recently. Yeah, I'm doing bad this week. I was doing bad a couple weeks ago.

I really do a lot of the time just wish. You're on a nice even keel, though, where you're semi-depressed, but then you'll fuck, like, women for no reason that are hot as shit, and you'll still pretend to be sad. Well, I'm having an affair now. Even though you're smiling. Oh, are you? Yeah. Well, I'm having an affair now. Even though you're smiling. Oh, are you? Yeah. Well, I'm the mistress. I ate a whole bag of chips today and fell asleep on the floor.

I didn't do anything. I bought plexiglass on Amazon today and then I fell asleep on the floor. Really? That's the level of depression I'm at. That's pretty bad. But this motherfucker's talking about being a goomar, dude. He's fucking cucking somebody. Well, I'm saying I'm winning. You're winning, yeah, but I think this is pretty interesting. He's pretty bad. But this motherfucker's talking about being a Gumara, dude. He's fucking cucking somebody. Well, I'm saying I'm winning.

You're winning, yeah, but I think this is pretty interesting. He's cucking. Okay, yeah, go finish your story. I mean, that's it. Stav said something really true to me about it, which is that you ultimately just start feeling like they're cheating on you with their boyfriend. Oh, now he's trying to beat you with that? The wisdom of a large woman.

Stop, Rosalina. You should be on The View. I would love to be on The View. I would love that shit. They should just rebrand The View. What if you thought The View was about fat people and not women? What if you thought it was like, yeah, it's a show for old fat people. I guess it doesn't work Because they have those young

They have a couple Hot Republican bitches Yeah The Elizabeth Hassel She's been off the show For a while She's been gone But I feel like there's always

One hot Republican right Yeah I think I don't know I haven't watched that show With any kind of Is it been really on For 20 fucking years

That's crazy Yeah I remember when it debuted Me too Which is fucked up. It's fucked up and old. It used to be Barbara Walters, right? Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters, Rosie O'Donnell.

No, she came in and out. Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi was there. Don't you mean Oprah? Yeah, I do mean Oprah. I did have to think about it. You know, I think sometimes I make myself laugh thinking about

the color purple, but then I think I call her in my head the smell purple. I don't even know what that means, but it makes me laugh. Nice, man. The smell purple? The smell of purple. The smell inside of Yeah, yeah. The smell of purple.

The smell inside of the collar. Why does Oprah keep trying to act? She's still doing that? She's about to be in a movie again. It's like, I mean, you're fucking rich as hell. What is she trying to act in? She'll pop up in a movie every once in a while. She was in The Butler.

She was. It's just weird. I think she produces movies and then she forces them to make her act. It's fucking weird She's in those Get the fuck out of there Yeah that is weird And she's like She has the worst

Production company name Harpo That's the most retarded Shit in the world Also it's a Marx Brothers Name too And it's just her name Backwards

Yeah that's Her name backwards So stupid Our production company Name is way better Stavs Gay LLC Stavs Gay LLC i would fucking love it if that was the production company i might do that i gotta talk to that cpa yeah hell yeah the child

pornography authority yo is this okay i just put it together the other day is sports authority supposed to be a port authority party you text i think it is that's the dumbest shit ever not i think it is what about bus terminals moves sports i don't know merchandise that when was when was it was either going to be that or or bad lieutenant sports have called new or. That was the other name for the store. When was Port Authority started? After Port Authority. Dude, I don't know which one was first. The store?

Or the concept of a Port Authority? As a little kid, dude, the dream was to get fucking locked in a Sports Authority overnight. And molested? Yeah, get fucked by the night manager. Yeah, by the night home lung robbers? Yeah. Fucking tie your legs to the basketball hoop and make you suck their dicks?

Put a bowling pin up my ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, imagine though. I'll have to take that shit. Show them a bunch of lawn tarts. I fucking fart them out. Yeah, yeah. That was the dream.

Being molested in a real fun, chill way. That was funnier than what I was going to say. I just love sports. Dude, just getting locked in. Did you ever want to be as a little kid get locked in places? No. And like have your run of the place? If I was locked in a Whole Foods. I never had that fantasy.

I used to have fuck shit. Exactly. In a Whole Foods. A Whole Foods. I would go. The department store was the best because it had the most shit. Yeah. The most different shit.

But a sports story was fun like you would fucking dunk and you could just like play with all the shit. Oh yeah. Trampoline. I used to have a fantasy that I would do repeatedly in my head, and it was a weird, like, I don't know, yeah, I would have a recurring dream that every window and door in my house, like, that led to the outside,

if you opened the door, there was just a giant ass. It was like a nightmare that there was, like, a giant ass that was, like, jammed in there. That's the goofiest nightmare of all time. Yeah, yeah, so you couldn't leave the house because there was these giant, like, asses being asses being shoved through the windows and doors. Is this a dream or a fear?

It was a dream. I can't remember. I just remember that was a prominent part of my childhood. And you felt scared of the asses. Yeah, yeah. There was no way to leave the house because of these asses or whatever. And then there was this other fantasy I used to have that there was like an underground tunnel i could go in and i had like my own panic room like my own panic control room

with like you know monitors that led out everywhere and i could kill people with like remote machine guns now now that sounded more like a you do fantasy no i actually talked to a couple of people and like numerous people had that really you know it's funny i bonded with a friend of mine over like a couple serial killers in junior high i remember i used to fantasize about having like uh was that movie like uh i don't even think i saw the movie but just like there was like a there was like kids had watches that could stop time i don't know not clock stoppers i think that was the name oh yeah it was time stop something like that i didn't see it but i was i understood the concept yeah and i remember like in middle school thinking about

like how cool would it be if i could stop time and then have sex with every girl i know dude i thought that's you're kidding yeah have sex with every girl in the class and then sit back down in my seat and then start time again and then you would just see every girl in the class and then sit back down in my seat and then start time again. And then you would just see every girl in the class suddenly just be like, oh, and then not know what happened. And I'm just sitting there just super relaxed. You just come. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I just took like nine days to work my way through the entire classroom. Oh, boy. Yeah. That was a, that was on. I used to be about to stop the time and touching titties classroom. Oh, boy. Yeah, that was on heavy rotation in my head. I used to think about that time in touching titties all the time, dude. Yeah.

That was fucking awesome. It's just rape. Yeah. That's rape. That's what I was going to say. You're just dreaming about rape. You're just dreaming of rape in your entire school. No, dude.

It's time travel. It's not rape if it's hypothetical. Because actually, you know, that is like a fun physics question about would consent exist outside of a construct of space-time. Whoa. I'm serious. Dude. With the concept of consent. Because here's the thing.

The problem with rape or any crime, right? Any kind of violent crime is that you're traumatizing somebody. You're hurting them, right? Right. But that only becomes apparent through consequence. So if you stop time and time doesn't exist and you fuck somebody, the effect is... Well, that's not true because if you rape someone while they're sleeping, they don't realize it. No, no, no.

No, no, no. They wake up and realize it. They wake up. If you stop time, so time... But then how would you rape if there's no time? Yeah, if you can't say something occurred because it happened outside of the realm of occurrence at large, then there is no crime. Yeah, but then would you just live out the rest of your life in the stopped time? Because as soon as time

resumes, then it's rape. No, because that didn't happen to them. I guess technically, Nick, you're right. So you could rape that way. Congratulations. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Then cut to a scene of me storming out of a courthouse

and everyone's cheering. There are reporters taking pictures of everything. Your arms raised like Rocky. Nick. The greatest scientist of all time you've been working for 40 years in a lab so you can rape people while time has stopped you devoted your entire

you had one of the finest scientific minds that's really a beautiful mind that's what that movie's about. That's what it's about. Nick, you truly have... The mind may be beautiful, but that ass...

That's the... That's the parenthetical for the title of that movie. Goddamn. What is that? The subtitle? Subheader. What is that the sub title subheader what is it no parentheticals right i tell you what boys i am excited to make some use of this craig master jig i've had my eye on it for a while now i'm gonna be cutting a lot of pocket holes and dowels in the next uh couple of weeks folks if you own the craig out there there and you're looking for some project ideas,

follow me on YouTube. It's the official Daily Stormer account. Maybe every hundred videos or so, I'll do a woodworking thing. But watch all of the videos. It's important you listen to what these guys have to say. I know genocide may seem like a scary word, but if you really think about it, it's kind of necessary. What's happening to us right now?

Yeah, we're being white genocide. Oh, man, I was like really disappointed that the police shot another unarmed black guy today. Did you see that? On the day after the terrace let me have one day where i get to be like i told you so i fucking knew it and then that you know what it was a lady cop that did it of course lady yeah she's like i gotta take one for the team yeah i gotta i gotta do this and make this happen So that We can go back to I didn't even fucking realize man

That's quite a shame What they're doing to Black Panther I'm trying to remember his name Terrence Howard keeps popping back in my head Terrence Howard has a micropenis by the way Is that a fact? Yeah What do you mean? The actor?

Yeah Terrence Howard he has like a micropenis No Yes he does dude What do you mean he does? How do you know that?. He has like a micro penis. Yes, he does, dude. What do you mean he does? How do you know that? You guys talk for a second. I'll pull it up on my phone. There's no way that guy's got a fucking micro penis.

He has this weird thing about... What's the math thing? Zero plus zero equals one? I have no idea what you're talking about. He has this weird thing where one times one is two. That's what it is. What do you mean he has it? He says a lot.

Is he bad at math? He's very confidently bad at math. He's like, I have this theory. I'll look it up after Nick pulls up this guy's dick. You mean that thing like that contradiction in algebra where you can prove that one equals two?

Was that what it is? I mean, maybe. That's the thing they show you in junior high. Is that a real thing? Really? I don't remember. I remember when I took algebra, they showed you that, like, yeah, one. Fucking nerd.

You know fucking algebra? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not anymore. Bitch. All right. I could see him. I guess he seems like the kind of guy.

Oh, he's batshit insane. He could be the kind of guy who only eats pussy. Yeah. No, in his divorce, get this. So in his divorce, he was, and this is just me remembering. I'm staring at a picture of his dick right now while I'm telling you this. Show me. I will afterwards.

So in his divorce, he was saying that his wife was blackmailing him and saying that she was going to tell everyone about his tiny little dick and like the divorce settlement that was like in the court documents but then he did a naked scene in a movie look at this shit dude adam pass me that no way why would he agree to do i don't know look at that look at that Are you sure this is real? That's real. Let me see. I got a bigger dick than Terrence Howard.

They wouldn't give him a fake micro penis. No, but this could be photoshopped. It's not photoshopped. It's a scene in a fucking movie. I can't understand how small his dick is. Let me see it. But why would he agree to do it in a movie? I don't know.

What? No. That's pretty cool. That's a pretty cool micro to pee. What the fuck? I guess now we know why it's so hard out here for a pimp. No way this is real. Folks, that's a reference to the movie Hustle and Flow, which came out in 2005?

2005. Was it? Very overrated movie. I thought it was okay. I thought it was kind of a piece of shit. You know what I want to watch again? Training Day. Terrence Howard believes one times one equals two.

So he created his own language. If you believe the rules of basic arithmetic, Terrence Howard... I mean, you know, it's like not the biggest dick I've ever seen. No, that is a tiny, tiny dick. It's a bad angle. You can throw it to me. I got an big husband dick. What? Terrence Hap. I mean, you know, it's like not the biggest dick I've ever seen. No, that is a tiny, tiny dick. It's a bad angle. You can throw it to me. I got an Otterbox. It's a bad angle, but he's probably, you know.

Damn, that is a pretty small dick, though. Yeah. Poor guy. I mean, here, look, in this one, all you can see is his balls. There's another one? Yeah. All you see is his balls. Oh, my yeah all you see is his balls oh my god his penis is completely invisible all right this is not good this is not good broadcast material well when we

did we were all looking at that picture of arthur chew people seem to like it uh did they i forgot we did that uh arthur chew is a micropenis well duh, duh. Of course he does. That's not news at all. Yeah. It would be weird if he had, like, a bigger than four inches dick. All right. Fucking, after seeing his shoes, I love the idea of Arthur going to, like, fuck a girl, and somehow he, like, shoves the condom halfway in his ass, and he's got, like, the wrapper jammed down his dick hole.

He's like, okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do this. All right. This is what terence howard says about one times one he said how could it equal one if one times one equals one that means that two is of no value because one times itself has no effect one times one equals two because the square root of four is two so what's the square root of two should be one but we're told it's two and that cannot be that's that two isn't the square root of two no it's like it's like one point so there's something weird yeah he's fucking stupid he's got a little ass

dick yeah i'm glad i'm glad they replaced him in Iron Man with... Maybe he's just thinking with his dick, folks. Because it's small. His little ass dick. Nick's doing a thing like he's whispering. Yeah, well, that does pick up. Oh, it does? Yeah.

I didn't know that. People can tell. There's an acoustical difference. I'm doing it now, pieces of shit yeah that's a I feel like this makes things funnier if you do that I've been doing this a lot actually really this like like like you trying to I got a secret yeah yeah yeah that's a fun like your hand is blocking the sound from exactly exactly yeah oh yeah this is also good radio I feel like i've been on

point tonight you've been great you've been good thanks guys you've been really caring so depressed lately so i needed that yeah uh i'm thinking about getting into cheese it's not about like stinky stuff like no french i just i'm thinking about i really i really was in the mood tonight for some cheddar and triscuits folks this podcast is brought to you by Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits. The Triscuits for not gay guys. The rest of the Triscuits, you're gay. I love Rosemary and fucking... You know what I don't understand?

Why Trump doesn't just say, like, look, if you don't vote for me, you're a faggot. Because the people that aren't going to vote for him that would still would fall for that. You know what I mean? You saw the jelly beans thing. That's the perfect way to solidify his base. Like, vote for Trump or you're... I would love... What are you, gay?

Imagine seeing fucking billboards that say that. Just like, vote for Trump or you're gay. In major american cities that is not completely out of the realm of possibility this is the new dicks out for harambe yeah vote for trump or you're gay vote for trump or you're gay i think this could be something did you guys hear that when they arrested the terrorists that did the bomb today he said said, dicks out for Harambe. Did he? Yeah, he said it.

I hate Brandon so much. He said, the person that inspired me the most to commit this act of terrorism is Brandon Wardell. I mean, he could have said that. The guy was a psychopath. He's not a real Muslim. Any Muslim that commits any kind of, well, if he jumps a turnstile, doesn't pay his taxes, they're no longer Muslim. It's true.

In fact, the only real Muslim is the guy from The Night Up, that actor. It's true. He was a good boy. Yeah. He was a good boy. And Adnan, also a good boy. No. No.

Adnan did it. So he's Christian. Adnan's a bad boy? Yeah. Adnan's Christian now? Yeah. I. No. Adnan did it. So he's Christian. Adnan's a bad boy? Yeah. Adnan's Christian now? Yeah. I didn't know that's how it worked. A Christian by guilt.

That's true. Adnan did it, by the way. I never watched that show. You didn't listen to Serial? I don't give a fuck about Serial, dude. Serial, it's great, actually. It's like, it's actually, what got me in. I heard season two wasn't very good.

I didn't listen to any of that shit. I didn't listen to it. But Serial season one is what got me in the podcast. I listened to it when I was moving once. What do you mean? It was fucking two years ago. Yeah. Was it?

That was the first podcast I listened to. It was serial. Yeah. That's weird. I was like, okay, maybe this isn't like such a stupid thing. You're like a fucking Midwestern mom. That's what they were saying. Like, the first podcast had been in industry for, like, people were doing it for how long?

Like, ten years? Yeah. I mean, I listened to a handful of what the fucks. I never really cared for it. Yeah. You know? But you also hate Marin. What's that?

You also hate Marin. Yeah. I didn't listen to Race Wars when I was on it. Yeah. I'd probably been on, like, seven podcasts before I, like, actually got into listening to podcasts. Yeah. I can't listen to the ones that I'm on.

That's fucking weird. Yeah. No, it is weird. Who does that? I don't know. What kind of fucking psychopath does that? Little Dick Terrence Howard-ass motherfuckers. No, Serial's great because there's one episode where the whole prosecution's case hinged on their structure

of their time frame of how the crime went down. uh structure of like how like their time frame of how like the crime went down yeah and there is a like 21 minute window where adnan can't be accounted for and neither can like hayman and like they just have to go based on like adnan's story and the prosecution says like okay this is what he did he left the school he you know met up with her here at best but yeah best by he choked her out in the car and then dumped her body in the woods and then went back in time for football practice or whatever and that was that was what happened in the 21 minutes and so you're like halfway through cereal and you know they cut to like adnan on the prison phone he's like you know i just don't

understand how i could have you know ever had the time to do that you know i mean it just doesn't make sense to me i could do that she's like well what did happen and he's like you know i just don't understand how i could have you know ever had the time to do that you know i mean it just doesn't make sense to me i could do that she's like well what did happen and he's like you know i honestly don't remember you know and it's like that's his whole thing he's like i don't remember and then she's like that's what makes him so credible is that like he doesn't have an alibi and it's like okay and then so i don't disagree i i you know i don't either i don't remember what i did yesterday there's this idea that like convicts don't disagree i i you know i don't either i don't remember what i did yesterday there's this idea that like convicts don't fucking lie to people like they're not really good liars right you know well no convicts are for the most part pretty bad liars a small percentage of them are sociopaths and they're incredible liars most of them aren't very good at lying i think so you do they're pretty good yeah i think i think

any any person that i've like met that has like spent like you know a decent amount of time in like prison they're usually good at lying they're usually liars i would agree with that yeah uh he hadn't spent time in prison he was just uh yeah he's a murderer in syria i guess he was anyhow yeah so there's one episode where they like she's like so me and dana decided to follow the prosecution's timeline and see how long it would take and they like time it and they're like okay we're leaving they actually leave the school they do everything that she said he did and then they get to the phone booth where he makes the phone call that ends and she's like and time and uh she looks at the watch and she's like okay 22 minutes and 30

seconds it's like it's almost like pretty much like you know it's like a minute off yeah and uh and then they tell adnan and he's like well that uh hmm okay you know and then he just has to fucking but yeah no he definitely killed that girl do you think steven avery did it steven avery absolutely did it look any kind of thing any kind of justice documentary is bullshit they're all bullshit steven avery guilty adnan guilty robert durst innocent true yeah he's 100 percent there's something about ro Durst. I don't know what it is. That Adnan just was not. I can't put my finger on it.

Steven Avery kind of ruins that joke. Oh, I guess, yeah. You're right. Sorry. But I like where you're going with that. Well, Robert Durst is Jewish. You could go that route, I suppose. There you go.

Well, then that's bad also, though. Yeah, it is. Say Steven Avery or something different. I told you guys, right, when I was a kid and oj was going on my father just went absolutely crazy about the trial like a lot of people that's not very remarkable but he did not believe oj simpson killed his wife he was like the only white man in america and he was just sitting at home going absolutely nuts. No, it was pretty evenly divided. Like, white people were like, yeah, he did it.

I think rich white people didn't want to believe it. Well, I pretty much had my finger directly on the pulse of America back then when I was five years old. No, no. I really understood the zeitgeist at the time. The people I talked to at work when I was five. No, you watch those reaction videos watch the reaction videos like from the world star one from the 30 for 30 no no watch the reaction videos from the 30 for 30 i didn't see the 30 for 30 you didn't that's as good as that's insane

it's literally white people just weeping about nicole and then like black people just going absolutely ham like so excited that dad is such a funny character the guy that they got to play the dad in the tv show looked exactly what about my son it looked exactly like the real it was so funny what's his name Goldman gay ass dead son okay guys well it's our monster truck check-in time now. Ready for the monster truck minute. Actually, we should probably take... Well, I don't want to...

I've been enjoying not taking breaks because then I don't have to fucking find some gay bullshit to put in the middle of the show. Yeah, that's fine. I would like maybe a small caffeine. We're all going out to dinner after this. I can't go to dinner.

Yes, you can, bitch. We'll grab something quick. Where? I don't know. We're going to a diner. I have my bike. We're going to Danny's Diner. Danny's Delicious Diner down on the block on Decalb.

Is that place open on Decalb? I don't fucking know. I don't know what i'm talking about i'm trying to fill time on our part you're both falling asleep all right i'm sorry i'm sorry guys we did a podcast late last night and then i'd be up at seven this morning i was yeah i gotta go build a goddamn fence tomorrow i'll be up at 6 a.m really why i don't know. I told my aunt I'd help her put a gate in the fence. Where? Westchester? No, in Hell's Kitchen. Hell's Kitchen. What kind of gate? Like a wrought iron

gate? No, it's just like a stockade gate. It's like rotted out. It's behind the apartment. No one has a wooden front gate in New York. No, no, no. It's like where her garbage cans are. It's all r her garbage cans are.

It's all rotted out. You getting into iron work? That'd be cool. I want to learn how to weld, build a fucking robot. Get the sparks going. Enter those robot fights with my giant robot that I built. Hell yeah. Yeah, get an angle grinder. Yeah, that's my new thing is just making sparks.

That's the coolest shit, dude. Do you guys remember david letterman had that woman that would fucking do sparks yeah yeah remember that shit yeah she would grind this shit on her pussy yeah yeah i remember beating off to that a couple times really did you yeah because you could see like a real high up near her pussy she had like a real angled bikini bottom real yeah i don't remember that ben that bit. The only one I remember is Will It Float. That's fucking... He did some great stuff.

God damn it. He was the best person to do that very, very stupid job. No, dude, Jimmy Fallon. He's the best. Oh, shut up. I love that everyone's mad that Fallon had Trump on. They're not mad that he had Trump on. They're mad that he flirted with Trump.

Didn't even ask him. Trump's a great guy he says we're all thinking you know he really he look listen he really understands people okay in a way that other people don't he's a blue collar billionaire yeah you know he's the blue collar comedy tour he's all for those exactly exactly did you see larry the cable guy on fox and friends so good i think we talked about this on another look i looked hillary clinton is going to ruin the country he went yeah we got to get her out done get her get her finished you gotta get her done yeah it's like he went in character to a fucking dan whitney give me yeah he was in and out of character i don't even know i don't have you ever seen dan whitney videos like before yeah of course yeah just a regular guy mike diesel used

to pretend that he knew him before he was larry that's awesome well he was a florida stand-up uh no he's like a florida guy who called into a radio show. He would call into radio shows as different characters, and eventually the Larry the Cable Guy character was a hit. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think he had much of a career before that blue-collar comedy tour thing, because Jeff Foxworthy blew them all up. Yeah. Ron White's the one that it's coolest to like. Ron White's the only one that was actually any funny. Yeah. Comic, too. Tater Salad. Yeah. Ron White's the one that it's like coolest to like. Ron White's the only one that was like actually any funny. Yeah. Comic too. Tater Salad. Yeah. That guy's real funny. Bill Engvall baby.

Bill Engvall the Bill Engvall show. Yeah. Everyone forgets when women pee they look like they're waiting for a bus. Why are you watching women pee? Why are you supposed to look interesting while they pee Bill? What the fuck is your point?

Oh, fuck. Oh, you know what we didn't talk about that we said we were going to talk about on the bonus? It's Irwin, dude. Oh, fuck, yeah. The greater we do. Yeah, we should have a little Irwin. That's how we close this out. That's a fucking good one.

Yeah, I just mentioned Mike Diesel, and I forgot completely about Irwin. Irwin. He changed it to. yeah why would you change your name to that uh I guess he doesn't want people to know that he's Jewish sounds Jewish yeah well Erwin and the way the guy looks yeah this guy looks like uh he looks if if you've been following me for on twitter for a while back when i was eddie come my at my avi was uh erwin erwin hanging off that swing set where did you find that's such a fucking he takes the best picture he's awesome there's one with him just sitting in a chair and at the back of his stage he's morbidly morbidly fucking obese he has a mustache

mustache he looks like he's like i look like ron jeremy and he does but like looking like ron jeremy isn't a good thing right that's not a good looking guy he has one good part of his body and it's not a dick he'd be an ugly just some fucking guy that never fucks and just like works it who knows where yeah yeah erwin some fucking he's a he used to run open mics in dc he ran the ej's landing yeah kaleidoscope kaleidoscope comedy what the fuck name is that even i don't know yeah i feel bad with erwin because he's just like a guy that sucks at comedy he's not like right and i used to be really fuck i used to fucking bully the shit out of that man when i was like 17 years old he was 40 he did he i hosted the first open mic he ever did and uh he was like uh what how do you think i did to like me and Jordan Owens. Jordan's like, yeah, just keep at it, man.

I was like, honestly? And he was like, yeah. I was like, you have no business doing comedy. I was like, I know it's your first time, but you're just really not fucking funny. That's hilarious. There's nothing in your personality. You really said that to him?

Yeah. I was mean as shit. That's incredible. Yeah, I was like, there's nothing in your personality that resembles a funny person. You don't have the prerequisite sense of humor to be a good comedian ever. There's so many people on the property like that. I know, but I was like six, seven months in, and I'm like,

That's so funny. Yeah, who's Junior over here? Right, right, right. Because that's his first open mic. Because I also remember, I like i think jason weems was just getting started yeah you know he'd been doing comedy like one or two weeks yeah and he did that open mic and he did like 20 minutes and crushed yeah and it was so funny really well no one was there no one was ever at that i'm sure but it was all funny yeah yeah hmm yeah we was

fucking hilarious yeah er, Irwin is... I feel bad telling... I can't... I don't know if I can... Oh, you got a real good one that you can't tell. Maybe it's bogus content. He's already said his name. I said his whole name.

Yeah. It's a pretty fucking damning story. Anyway, let's talk about another guy. Do you know any stories about a different guy? Oh, yeah. There's this guy, Erwin Dickfield. He's Seth's cousin. I forgot about it.

There's this guy. Yeah, so Seth Dickfield has a friend named Erwin Dickfield. And they're related to each other. What happened to Erwin Dickfield? Oh, yeah. So erwin dickfield one time dad this other guy we know he has this like fucking this big idiot roommate this guy chris that was like who never worked he just was always on the couch in their apartment like this guy was like 6 11 and he would just take up the entire couch just lay down and playing like

uh he's playing some like online like final fantasy online or something in the dark with the air conditioner set to like 50 degrees and he'd be like what's going on kid let's say he had this like weird accent he'd be like what's going on kid how you doing kid and uh be like chris what do you do he's like I sell beer for the Redskins. This is the job he said he had. At the stadium? Yeah, but he never left the apartment, so I don't think he was employed. We're watching the Redskins

on TV right now, dude. Right now? No, I'm like, he says that he's on TV. Oh, yeah, okay. It's on TV. You can't just fucking wake up to sell that bit? Sorry, dude. Sorry. What if he was like, what if he said this?

So, yeah, I guess they were at like a bar one night, and that guy had been hitting on this woman that was like obviously a lesbian. Oh, really? Yeah. And I heard this story from like three other people and it's about a fictional guy yeah yeah it's about uh this uh this guy did seth's cousin so chris the roommate had been hitting on this on this fucking this woman that was like clearly a lesbian at

the end of the night she like goes home to do lesbian shit he's like yeah struck out or whatever and uh that fictional guy and his girlfriend are like well you can come have a threesome with us i guess is this oh man i don't know i can't i can't you're in too deep it's too late it's too late no we gotta we gotta switch this one's gotta be the premium one alright this story's too fucking mean I've told it to like maybe

and I didn't even know I heard it like third hand you know it's too late you tell it you've heard the story no no

because it's already fucking gossip it's not my story somebody told me stop I don't know if this is right but so apparently this guy, Erwin Dickfield, invites this giant mongoloid back to his home to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend.

Erwin Dickfield just beating off while this man just savagely fucked his girlfriend. Yeah, I guess somebody said he couldn't get it up.

Yeah, he couldn't get hard. He was just diddling himself in the corner. So he was just like fingering, rubbing his penis like it was a clit while a man

fucked his girlfriend. That's a well-known kink, though. Like the... The cock thing. The thing, yeah. The fuck my wife thing. Yeah. Yeah, well...

I mean, this is something that... This is something that Erwin... That Dickfield... Dickfield... Yeah. Is into. I feel so bad. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna bleep his last name. Okay. That's good. Yeah, do that. The anti-Semitic Comptown fans account is going to find him, though, I'm sure. Yeah. He found Sov's office. I don't know how he did that.

You said the name. Yeah, but he didn't even say it. I mentioned it briefly in passing, and he somehow found it. That's hilarious yeah good for him another great episode at Stav Comedy at Nick Mullen

at fuck he kikes snot nose piece of shit oh man that is how many of our fans

do you think are just anti-semitic or like alt-right? A lot of them, because a lot of them come over from when me and Stav did the Kumi issue. Did you guys see the spike after that? Yeah, of course.

I mean, I stayed heavy promoting this shit on all of the bad boy networks. Yeah. I promoted on... They've been waiting for a Puerto Rican Rattlesnake podcast. There literally isn't a single one. We haven't been hitting that at heart. This is the number one MMA podcast in New York. When Lance Colt fights Dirk Benson next week at UFC 82.

I can't wait. He's going to choke him out. We're talking rear naked chokes. We're talking arm bars. Kimuras. Kimo Sabe's. Kimura Kimo Sabe's. Fucking.

Reverse cowgirl. Adult karate, dude. Reverse cowgirls. Whatever, that's how you won. That's a submission move. There's this guy, he's got a black belt, okay? Fifth degree. And he's, you know, full contact.

We're talking. Big time. Big time, baby. And I cannot wait to see that fight. You ready here for her? Yeah, we're going to have, actually, on the premium content, we're starting a new MMA podcast called Hammer Fisting. So you're going to really want to check that out.

Oh! How can I fuck with Dick Mullin? I'm thinking about punching him in the fucking head. Is that a good prank? Yeah, that's a good prank. You can't troll me. Nobody trolls me. Louis J. Gomez.

Who's that? You mean Louis Dickfield. Louis Dickfield Gomez. Louis D. Gomez. Louis Dickfield Gomez. Louis D. Gomez. There should just be a town called dickfield or dicktown dicktown dicktown is the podcast it's yeah dicktown is the alternate universe did you listen to seth has his own podcast i heard it man i can't believe he broke into the anthonyia Studios and did a podcast. Who is that Chinese?

He's got a great co-host. I don't know. I think that guy died. I think I heard from somebody else. I mean, I don't know the plan, but I think Seth's just going to have a different POC guest. Oh, boy. Every week. Is he?

Well, you know, hopefully. Well, that's fine if that's what he plans to do. But, I mean, we're going to lock up the equipment real tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if we can get another one. But maybe his cousin Ralph might be able to help him out. Yeah, I think Ralph might actually come by. He's done a couple B&Es, I think.

Ralph might swing by, have a couple combos. Or maybe his friend, you know, Erwin Dickfield. Erwin and Ralph should hang out. I think that would be a lot of fun. Oh, boy! Yo, why is this fucking gay Jewish clown out here, yo? Who got this fucking... You know, I look kind of like Ron Jeremy.

Yo, let me see your dick then, yo. You fucking talking like you're Ron Jeremy. The best was like when erwin was on show posters and it was like six black guys i don't know how he got in on that click but like it was just always like you know like did you see that video james the comedian yeah yeah big fred i used to love all those guys all those like p County comics. The fight at the open mic? The fight video is the funniest fucking shit. Rallo posted a fight at an open mic in PG County somewhere.

No, that was Erwin Hostet. It was some Temple Hills open mic, and it's a guy who's like LaMarcus Way Too Violent Jackson, the entertainer. The entertainer. They've been stealing Scott Joplin's name for 80 years. Some guy is something too funny. Yeah, too funny, too business, hilarious entertainment. Entertainment, LLC. That's the LLC.

I love that shit. Real dark black entertainment. Super dark black guy entertainment the LLC. I love that shit. Real dark black entertainment. Super dark black guy entertainment. LLC incorporated trademark sign. International executive black guy entertainment. Or it's just Nlarious, but then the S is the dollar sign. Nlarious Entertainment presents Two Funny Tuesdays. Two Larrys Tuesdays. Two Larius Tuesdays?

Two Larius Tuesdays. Irwin Lord. Tom Myers was just on one of those shows. Somebody sent me the posters. It's him in the middle of Pennsylvania on some urban show, and it's him in three middle-aged black women comics. It's him in the middle of Pennsylvania on some urban show. And it's him in three middle-aged black women comics. That's awesome.

They'll let those guys keep working. The Irwins and the Toms can keep getting spots. I fucking love Lawrence. Lawrence is so funny. Lawrence Owens is funny. I mean, whatever. He cracks me up, dude. I was watching a Lawrence Owens video the other day

where he's, like, doing that thing about how he's, like, he's got glasses so he can't be a thug. And he's just fucking, like, going up to the mic stand all cross-eyed, and he's like, Who's the motherfucker I'm supposed to kill? Is this him right here? Shit, there he is. It's a fucking...

He's just a goofball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, no, he's great. He's really funny. Also's just a goofball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, he's great. He's really funny. Also really funny. Good performer. Really good stuff about gay people. Oh, yeah.

No, the bit immediately after that in that video is like, shit, half of you probably know a faggot. One time I did a Tony Wood show at Climate. Tony is fucking hilarious. Yeah, Tony's a good guy Climate with a K yeah yeah

Climate Climate Lounge yeah Clamont so I went there I saw Tony the night before he's like come through Climate tomorrow night

you know we get we drink some Grand Marnier and there's this guy David that was on the real world like one of the early seasons

he was a black guy David something and There's this guy, David, that was on the real world, like, one of the early seasons. He was a black guy. David something. And he was a DC comic, I guess. He was, like, Martin Lawrence. Like, back in the day, he was a DC comic. And his sister was there. I guess he was hanging out at the show.

I guess Tony knew him. And his sister was there. And she was just, you know, completely blackout, heckling every single person on stage. Jesus. You know, just, you know, Tony's there. Tony gets in late. Like, the show's already off the rails. Of course. And I was about to go up next.

I'm like, I'm just going to the lion's den. You know, this woman's going to destroy me. And there's This guy that went up before me His name was Detroit Boat Do you ever run across that guy? Do you ever run across that guy? What the fuck?

Detroit Boat? I swear to god this guy's name was Detroit Boat Yeah my name's Caprice Classic Detroit is known for cars too It's not necessarily like a nautical type of vibe Yeah He's on Lake Michigan So he's trying to do his act

She's interrupting him And he's like Is someone gonna tell this bitch to shut up She stands up as soon as she He says bitch And she just smacks him across the face I was there the night the Detroit boat That's hilarious Got smacked across the face. I was there the night the Detroit boat got smacked across the face

by the sister of a guy that was on Real World 2 Los Angeles. That's so funny. All those guys used to come hang out. They used to do Ian Salmon's open mic. I remember the guy, I forget his name, Chris something. He was the host of Rap City.

No, I know who you're talking about. Chris Thomas. Rap City the basement was the guy that rap city no i know who you're talking about yeah chris thomas yeah rap city the basement was the guy that worked at the wizards games remember well chris thomas did he had a bunch of credits the original host i don't remember but i know chris had a ton of credits big tig right big tigger uh he was the original host of reps okay so maybe it's like season one or something but uh yeah he was at an open mic one time, and there was this one guy losing his mind, and he's like, how are you all not going crazy?

Do you not know who this is? And he's like, this was the original host of Rap City. And people were like, okay. You know, he was famous as shit, and he would come and just like, if you got in a corner with him, dude, if it was you and him one on one He just wouldn't stop telling you about how he used to be famous

Yeah It was just like he would not stop talking about it That's the saddest shit dude And he would be doing his like Arsenio Hall impression or something Like he would just be doing very dated impressions and shit like that Like up until like two years ago Yeah

Which I don't know It's pretty sad Yep that's depressing. It's a shitty world to live in. Comedy sucks. People burn out. That's why you gotta start out. Not us, dude.

That podcast is gonna keep growing. There's actually a new feature on Patreon where you're not allowed to delete your pledge. Yeah. So, guess what? We have your social security information. You don't like this episode. Did anyone delete their pledge

because the first bonus was bad? Oh, yeah. a bunch of them. Really? No. I just want to make you feel bad. Why did you say that? Oh, fuck. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Nice, man. Well, we gotta have one puke.

That's how we know. That's our time to end the show. The cat puking was the best. Nick pukes. I think I got an ulcer or something. I is a good... Yeah. The cat puking was the best. The cat pukes. Nick pukes. No, I think I got an ulcer or something. I don't know. Probably.

But yeah, that's been an hour and eight minutes, so we're fucking done, I guess. I'm going to go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,