The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 190 – Lyin Liz

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

Pocacuntas morelike boys am i RIGHT??

Fuck me in my ass, fuck me in my ass, if I could only get fucked in my penis by a pussy. That wouldn't make me gay be a pussy. I'm not gay, I just wish that purses looked like a dick. I just wish you could suck a pussy and put it in your ass home. The way you suck a penis, but it's not a gas dick. I just like the way it looks. I like the aesthetic, but I am straight. But on a more substantive level, I still imagine that it's a pussy.

When I jack off, gender isn't real. Gender isn't real. Gender isn't real, but I am straight. There's no such thing as orientation, but I'm a straight guy. And I love women, I just wish they had sex. Women aren't real, but I want to fuck them. I want to fuck them, but they're not real. There's no such thing as gender.

They're like, Mark, so you studied music in college? Yeah, when we sent him off, he liked math, and he came back doing that. After going to the Berkeley School of Music. More like the fucking pussy school of being a fucking bitch. The pussy school of being a bitch. Have we started the show? I sure hope so. That song was awesome.

You got that on. My dick is small. That's a new parody we're working on. Let's see if you can figure out what that one is. Yeah, that's going to take a little while. I didn't even know what the fuck it was before we watched it again. You were just hanging out. We watched, oh, we can't say what it was.

Well, we'll probably give it up. It was a little video by someone named Adam Friedland Sr. I know that Jews don't name people after living people. Is that true? Yeah. Is that why they made up the Holocaust? Because they ran out of names? And they were like, we need to pretend 6 million of us are dead.

Because now we've hit peak Jew. There's 35 guys named Benjamin and Ezra. Well, you can't name it after a living relative. So if someone else has that name, you can still have it. Why is that? I don't know, some gay-ish Jews in there. They actually wanted to give Adam his sister's name. Before she was born.

Well, she was born. I gave my sister her middle name. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because I love some girl named Jessica. You were two years old. No, I was three. And in my pre-k, there was this girl named Jessica. My mom was pregnant.

I was like, can you please name her Jessica? Because I want to fuck. And she was like, why? And I was like, I'm trying to smash. I was like, I can't explain why, but just please do it. My dick is small. And I just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. So they made it her middle name.

Well, that's how annoying you were as a baby. I wish we had solo buttons on here. That's a baby. My dick is small. Actually, yeah, throw the effect. Let's open up the pod with some effects. Just doing that for a sec. I'm gay.

So my dick is small. My dick is small. If I had a way to, like, bend pitch and shit. Yeah, that would be awesome. Dude, we should get it. We should eventually, look, if we ever hit $100,000, which probably won't happen. We'll not happen.

That's not, no chance. No, no. The growth is slow to a trickle. Thanks. You got your spreadsheets out? Nope. Nope. Don't please don't scratch up my glasses.

No, I wasn't scratching them. I just wanted to see if it was magnetic. I just wanted to see if it was magnetic with the magnetic part. Jam. Fidget and jam. I was just doing a science experiment. I wasn't putting onto the lenses. I was putting onto the screw to see if the screw was magnetized.

Scratching at the lenses. I was not scratching the lenses in my glasses. I can't tell. I don't know who's right. Very diplomatic stuff. As always, very diplomatic. Why are you starting this off? Switzerland.

Contentious. It's not contentious. It's not scratching the lenses. Because of the hot chocolate. There's other reasons. Swiss rolls. Swiss rolls. Are they the ones that have cheese?

I'm not the biggest thing that you can have sex with. What if that was the original pitch of Swiss cheese? It's like, look, I've done, it's cheese, but you can fuck it. If it was soft. What's the problem with cheese is that we've always wanted to... There's nowhere for your penis. We've always wanted to fuck the cheese. As a concept, cheese you can fuck, I like.

Taste-wise, I don't like Swiss cheese that much. It looks like they had regular cheese, and then the Nazis were firing at all the Von Trapp family. Because they were escaping across the Alps. Because they were escaping, and all those are bullet holes in the cheese. That is true. It's a nice joke. Maybe you can tell that one to your father when you go see him. You guys are going, not you, I mean in general.

I'm speaking to the audience now. Yeah, tell your dad about cheese you can fuck. Tell your dad about cheese you can... Well, I meant the Von Trapp. Do you think their dads listen to musicals? Are you calling their dads gay? Yeah. Whoa.

Every listener of the show is a gay father. That would be awesome. If every listener we had had a gay dad but wasn't gay necessarily. Honestly, I think having two dads would be great. No. Two moms. I think two moms would be awful. What?

I know a guy with two moms that were both like military. Yeah, you don't want that. Think about that though. That's what you get if you have two moms. Both of his moms. That's true. Because he wouldn't acknowledge it either. He wouldn't acknowledge it either.

He wouldn't acknowledge it either. He would always just say that the second mom was his mom's roommate. Oh, damn. And both the moms look like the guy from Doom. In the middle of the screen. Wait, not Duke Nukem? No, not Duke Nukem. I mean, they're close enough, but more the guy from Doom.

I guess they kind of look like the Doom guy and Duke Nukem in a relationship. Imagine that they were roommates. That's what I'm saying, right? Think about what gay guys are like. If you had two gay guys as your dads, they'd probably be the best dads ever. No. They'd probably make sure you're always looking fresh. How funny is that?

To be like you have adult sons and you're still telling them we're roommates. You're still lying. But I don't want that. I don't want repressed military moms. I want two fine ass moms. Two fucking hot ass moms with big ass titties. There was that guy in Lucas Connolly that did comedy in New York. He's still around?

Yeah, he lives around. I just haven't seen him. I probably haven't seen that guy in like... To be fair, you don't leave the house. I don't leave the house, but so I'm just saying I don't know. Yeah. But he has a couple of... He's got two moms.

I always got the impression they were like hippie dices. Yeah, I would take that. No, two moms, they're always pushing you in sports. They're like dads. I want dads with a feminine little fucking twist. I want two lesbian moms that hate me and make me feel bad about having a penis. That's good. Yeah, that's the best solution.

That's the thing. I think gay men should be allowed to have kids, but lesbian women, there should be a more strict process. That's what I'm saying. That's exactly what I'm saying. I couldn't disagree more vehemently with you two. I don't know. I'm pretty hit or miss with that community. I think gay men, two dads, great setup.

That's what I'm saying. Almost perfect. Two gay dads, they're probably, they do such a great job. Two lesbians, they resent you. They pay attention to every detail. Exactly. Two women should be able to raise a daughter. That's exactly what I was saying.

Like I think two gay men can raise a daughter or a son, but two lesbian women should only be allowed to have girls. No, I want two moms. I want two moms to love me and hug me. But you don't get that kind of... You're just multiplying your own mother. Yes, that is what I'm doing. But that's your mother...

Because I'm not homophobic. What you want... Because that is the kind of... We're not being homophobic. They exist. Two nice moms exist. No. You guys are being homophobic.

No, me. And by also stereotyping two gay guys being... Isn't it something like... ...fucking hot that no fashion and are cute? Isn't it something... Like lesbians have the same domestic violence rate as police officers? Hmm. I don't know.

It's up there. I mean, I know that they're like, you know, it's like, of course I can beat my wife. I can beat my wife from a woman. I don't know. I'm not going to say that. I think that there's also domestic violence in the gay community too. No. I think there is, for sure.

That's just box. That's just doing fucking... That's just two alphas in the fucking ring. That's how they stay fit. They fucking shadow box each other. No, they have a good time. First of all, there's never any kind of domestic... Really, honestly, two gay men marrying each other.

That's sort of the ideal pair bonding partnership. Oh, my God. It's incredible. They're, you know, I mean... I'm going to get married to my friend George, I think. Yeah. Imagine you and George raising a kid. George would pay attention to every single fucking detail.

Yeah, but I would be a bad father. You'd be a bad dad. No, I would be cool. He would be the mom. I would be the dad. George would be the mom, for sure. That's true. I thought about that.

Why can't you just raise a child with your boys and then you guys have girls that you fuck on the side? Yeah, three men and a baby style, dude. That'd be awesome, dude. They should just let us teach a college class. We're talking about life right now. For real, dude. Why can't I raise a fucking kid with, like, my boys?

And that includes... Your boys can be women, by the way. Like, I would love to raise a child with me, George, Christina, Eldis. We all take turns being a parent. You know what I'm saying? We live in a big house. We all have one floor. The baby gets a good room.

Yeah, I'm like the... Like, we raise it and but teach it things also. Adam is math and finance. I'm so bad at that stuff. You stop his home act and I'm woodshop. Yeah, exactly. That is kind of a nice setup. And then as they grow up, I teach at pussy eating.

How do you know you're better at pussy eating? I know for a fact. He just assumes that he is because he's fat. It's true. But it's not... Let him have something. Okay, fine. First of all, you don't have to...

He's got the smallest dick. You don't have to let me have anything. Let him have the pussy. First of all, I have no problem with the size of my face. Okay? That doesn't even really matter as I've been told by women that are lying to me because they love me. Okay?

So, I don't need... I don't even mind. I'm the only one... Listen, as... You know how you can tell I'm the best pussy eater? I'm the best listener. But like, you two are always looking for your own shot. You're Kobe.

But I'm a point guard. No, that's bullshit, dude. I'm good at listening. I just choose to ignore people. That's even worse. No, it's not. Yes, it is. If I had to listen...

Yeah, because you have a choice. No, here's the thing. If my job... It's worse... Shut up. If my job was... I'm not listening. Remember everything...

You're not listening. You don't listen. That's how you end up just repeating... But I don't have a choice, and that's the point. He's got a disability. I have a disability. You choose not to listen. So, you're fundamentally in...

We're talking about pussy eating still. You're fundamentally incapable of it. If my job was... Pussy eating? Yeah, that's true. No, he's right. Sitting here and listening to something, and at the end of the show, if you guys didn't come, then I'd be accused of rape.

Yeah. Then... No, because... At a certain point... I would be able to repeat everything that was fucking said. No, no, no, because at a certain point, your nature of not really wanting to listen, even though you're capable, would kick in. Sure, maybe the first few times, but me, I can't help but listen.

It's like... I'm all... I'm all I can do is listen. Oh, you're talking about long term. Yes. I'm talking about... You would do it once or twice, and then it would kick in. I'm on some five easy pieces shit where it's like, yeah, of course I know how to play

the piano. There, it's done. Right, right, right. I did it. Are you happy? Exactly. Ergo, I win this debate, and I teach our son pussy. Okay, but just as an aside, just as an aside, I don't think it's good parenting.

I would be traumatized if my father tried to teach me pussy. Yeah, but you're thinking traditional fucking nuclear family bullshit. This is the kind of shit... We're friends with it. We're friends with it. He's our boy. He's our youngest boy. This is the kind of shit that we need to be resolved by matters of public debate and

vote. Yes. Whether or not... We need a quorum. Yeah, we do need quorum. ...are all of these in the public forum in the middle of the house. It's the floor that sits... We have to follow Robert's rule.

It's a 13 level building, and one of the floors, there's a freeze on the outside. I love that. There's no windows. That's cool. Okay. There's a tunnel so that sunlight comes in from the top of the building, and it's reflected around the room with mirrors. Yes.

And the debate only lasts as long as noon. The goal... well, not the golden hour, or the golden hour. The golden shower. The golden shower. Yeah, we're all naked in there. We're all pissing. Whoever runs out of piss first loses the debate. Oh, that's where I got you, because I do slow...

Oh, it's a pissing competition in class. I have the worst flow of all of us. Okay. I think I have a fucked up... I've got a huge bladder. Interesting. I'm gonna... I piss once every nine days.

It's gonna be death by a thousand cuts for me, because I'm gonna drip slowly while you guys let it fucking rock. I just got a little dribble-puk in the pit. After I saw the Irishman... The best part is we have the boy to clean up the mess, so we can just go to lunch. And he's like, Michael, come in here. We've decided we're going to teach you pussy eating.

Anyways, clean up the piss. We gotta have a snack. Your dad's... we're exhausted. Daddies gotta go get some fucking steampunk Chinese food. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was cool. That was actually cool. That was actually cool.

I liked it. Yeah. Shots out to... what was it called? Mission? Mission Chinese. It was like if Grimes had a Chinese food store? Yeah. The Blacklight Chinese.

You guys both left the table and left me there and you're like, well, we don't want them to think we're dine and dashing. So it's like, okay, I guess I'll... No, you hold it down. I had to call my father back. I thought you guys split it. You hold it down until we come back. Thank you, Nick.

And publicly, I'd like to... I would have paid for it anyways. But like... Well, I got breakfast. No, no, I had to pick. First of all... I got Nick breakfast that day. We're not...

No, it's a round robin, you know. I just don't feel good about being... One of us gets stuck with an 800-dollar China-Japanese... It's a round robin. It's a round robin. You got Mike's diner. First of all, we split Mike's diner. No, no, we went to Polar for breakfast that day.

Also, you want to... If we're really getting into it... Dude, we're a couple of Chelsea faggots. Just talking about all the restaurants we go to all the time. You've got to think about how much the plane ticket costs, and that's based on fuel costs, and they knew you were on that plane. You waze down.

The average cost of fuel price. Because one ticket for you, you weigh an extra six... I bought the tickets at the same time. They all cost the same. You bought them at the same time. We all bought them at the same time. Your name isn't a file. No, it's not.

There's no file. I don't think that's true. You're on the Too Fat to Fly list. I fly all the time. There's no such list. Yeah. There are people that are going from New York to Washington, and they're like, the ticket's $9,000.

I'm just strutting into my red, white, and blue jumpsuit. You're on a jumpsuit kicking some fucking baby in the back of the head. Never a baby. An old bitch, yes. I love babies on planes, and I empathize with them. Well, because you are a baby. You're interrupting your Vienna sausage dinner. I don't have Vienna.

I eat very well. Thank you very much. Whatever they give to you on the plane. I bring my own snacks. The funniest part of the Australia trip is something that can never be recreated for people on the show, which was the waterfall thing. No, don't. I started laughing.

We can't tell you. We can't say that one. Don't even say it. I hope no one even heard it. No, stop it. No. No, no, no. No, we're not.

Stop. It was a beat as a poem. Slam poetry. What makes it funny is how shitty of a piece of water melted. It was a bad fruit salad. It was like it was just like the most pathetic. The joke is it was really bad. We had a bad fruit salad.

We were playing a character that was excited. That's all that needs to be said. That's too much. That's too much. No. No, no, no. That's all we're going to say. Girl, stop playing.

It could have been an Indian man. It could have been a Japanese woman. They had to do it with the water. Maybe we did different types of people. We did a series of characters. A series of characters. They were all represented and they all were excited about different types of fruit. It's like Street Fighter.

We went around the world doing everything right. We don't pull punches. Yeah. We did Blanca. What was Blanca? Just a monster. He was a scientist that got fucked up by an experiment. Oh, he was Hulk.

Wow, and he was green, too. They really stole their shit. Yeah, but he didn't have the purple shorts, too. Yeah, but he had red hair. That was pretty cool. He had cool hair. The Hulk did not have cool hair. Yeah.

When he was a Brazilian, was he from Brazil? Yeah, what do you don't think? Brazilians have science? You fucking racist? I don't know. They came up with unlimited steak houses. That's scientific. Okay.

Damn, I could go for some steak. Yes. We were talking about this the other day. By the way, I'm wearing the same sweats. I didn't think I had pants in my car. You know where I want to go? There's a steakhouse in Williamsburg to Stefano's. We should have gone there next time.

Okay. Next time to celebrate. Next thing we have to celebrate. With the next sorrow, we have to forget whichever one. Well, now there were a couple of lone wolves. We should start going out to dinner more often. Start going out to dinner more often. Doing things again.

Getting fucking wearing suits. Going to the Yankees games. We honestly should go to a game. Well, I got my hat. Grip of fitted. Yeah, we should. You fucking, you gotta stop wearing that hat. Dude, I feel so powerful in this hat.

I can't even explain it. We should follow the Doobie Brothers reunion tour. I would love to go on the road. Dude, let's go and just get sucked off by 62 year old women, dude. Yes. We should publicly advertise that come town is attaching itself to the Doobie Brothers. Oh, featuring. We will just.

Yeah. Featuring. We're not even going to go into the concert. We'll just be in the lot, dude. All the shows and then yes, tailgate and do a live podcast in the parking lot. I'm not kidding. That sounds awesome. And it's called Doobie Brothers 2.

Yes. Yes. Doobie Brothers 2. Come town. Wait, are they back together? Yeah. They're doing it with Michael McDonald. The whole gang.

Wow. We got to go. Yeah. We got to go. By the way, we're not doing live podcasts anywhere. We're recording them. You can. In the car.

Yeah. The closest it comes to here is Mohegan Son. Okay. I love Mohegan Son. I'm thinking a little. I think a little. Let's get our uncut gems on. Hell yeah.

Do a parlay. We should get that penthouse A. Yes. Where that guy is staying. That guy. And we should try and see how much it would cost to have sex with Julie Fox. The actress who played. I understand she's a married woman.

Not that I. To who? He seemed to have a blonde adult man, which is, you know, blonde. Yeah. You can't fuck that. Dude. The man doesn't stand a chance against us. Yeah.

Dude. The Voltron of pussy. The scraggling pussy that we are. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. The pussy. The first time correctly.

Then stop comes in to close it out. That's right. I'm the close. I'm Arianna Rivera. Yeah. Yeah. Starting picture. Adams, the relief guy that almost blows it.

I'm the middle reliever. I don't have what it takes to close the game because I don't know enough slurs. And I do the fucking for all three of us. And Adam hangs out afterwards to talk to her. Well, I don't know about all that. I get to fuck also. Yeah. A little bit.

And then I'm the closer for the fucking. Okay. All right. That's fine. I'll open up the fucking. Okay. So if I'm the car, I close the proceeding, open the fucking. Adams outside making it all.

Adams post game post game emotional. No. If I'm talking to, if I'm having a conversation with her afterwards, then I'm the close. Okay. Because that's to me part of sex. It's a great conversation. That's how. That's sure.

Yeah. Sure. However, you want to feel about it. No, you're right. Listen, guys. I just, I'm happy to be on the team. I'm happy to be wearing the same uniform. The thing is, it's about getting the W as a team.

Right. You get a ring anyway. You get a ring. Mm hmm. A cock where we all have cock matching cock rings, diamond and crusty cock rings. For every time we fuck a girl together, we buy ourselves. Every time we fuck a girl together. Every time.

Oh, speaking of fucking a girl together, if you need to get your dick hard, check out Bluetooth.com. Oh my God. Oh my God. So true. Check out Bluetooth.com. Absolutely. What it is, it's a website that has doctors that are hiding behind the pages.

That's right. And they've got little glory holes cut out the pages where you can speak your pronouns to them. Mm hmm. Speak your pronouns to me. Say them correctly or your dick will not get hard. Enter. Speak your pronouns.

You must have the right pronouns or you will not cross the breed. If you cannot answer the pronoun question. Yeah, I gotta say, man, I'm back on the Bluetooth. After being in a relationship where my dick was getting hard through love, now I use chemicals. And it honestly works better, my penis now, I'll say. You know, sure, sometimes I don't come because it's like a weird chemical bone. I'm gonna have to get back on the dole. Yeah, dude, I just, I just requested a nice shipment coming in.

They ship them to you. They got options where it's like, I mean, it almost seems irresponsible. They're like, do you want 90 pills in 30 days? Yeah. And it's like, sure. Yeah, fuck it. I don't give a fuck. Money doesn't matter to me.

But you have, they do have an option where you can get a pill a day. So if you want to fuck every single day. And he didn't get 30. Here's the thing from a little champ from a little, listen, and this is not in the read. This is just comes from real life experience. The fakes, the Tadalina Phil, the fakes, the Alice, that'll last you about three days. 36 hours. That'll last you about three days, I would say.

I'd say day and a half to three days. I would say three. And even towards the end, you'll randomly get a hard dick here and there on the fourth day, just doing regular chores. So you don't even need all fucking. And especially. I was like, I got to clean up all these pictures of guys. Yeah, you know, when you're fucking mopping up your gay porn collection, you're polishing

it and you'll just get randomly hard because of a pill. I just appreciate the sonic quality. Yeah. You should be sure if you're sucking a dick. Well, at least at the very least. Yeah. After, you know, but a Viagra, if you take the fake Viagra, which I don't know what it's called.

Yeah, it's like eight hours or something. That that'll give you a nice hard cock. I've never fucked with that one. I've I listen and pre blue chew when I was out there just scavenging for whatever there was. And it was unsafe and there was not doctor. You're breaking into the retirement. I was breaking into retirement.

I was I had a fucking. You had a fucking. Everybody talks about the AIDS crisis years for the gay community. But something that's like not talked about is the. Okay, go off the broken dick years. Yes. Before blue chew. That's right.

Before there were cool options. Yeah. Back then I felt like Matthew McConaughey in that movie about stealing AIDS medicine or whatever. Dallas boners Dallas boners. Yeah. Dallas boners club. I was fucking buying.

I was Venmoing guys and they were like, please put it's for lunch or something. Because he was stealing getting scared. He was stealing chemicals from the lab. Anyway, and I was getting very bad headaches. And one time I almost passed out, but I had the hardest dick of my life. I will say that. But that's, you don't have to worry about that with blue chew.com. Blue chew.com has doctors that ask you questions.

True, true, true. And they do a thorough motherfucking thing. A real medical doctor. And they asked us if they asked to see your cock. That's normal. And you'll want to fucking. So listen to fucking sign up. Say you say you don't have heart pain.

If they ask that and get as many like don't say that, but get as many dick pills as you want. Okay. Like, yeah. And don't lie. Don't. Officially don't lie. And when you're talking to that doctor, you can go into your history of breakups.

Love's lost. Keep them on the phone longer than they want. Tell them why. What's brought you to this point? You know, tell them about your ex-girlfriend's podcast. Why do you think it's not blue chew? And it seemed like things were going to. Okay, sir.

Just tell them about your house. Yeah. Stop calling my number. And I'm just texting the doctor after the exam is over. So listen, if you love sex, okay, and you hate going to the doctor's office and asking embarrassing questions or answering them or whatever the fuck, then go to fucking blue chew.com. You fucking idiot with your limp ass little pathetic cock and make it strong and powerful

with these beautiful pills that were meant to have at 30 years old. We're not supposed to just exercise or go to the or go to therapy. Some of us even do exercise. Yeah. That's not enough. It's not enough because we're gay. And we're fighting. And we're attracted to men.

We're just going to keep fighting. Do you see homosexuality as a disease? And so we're going to take these magic pills so that we can still make straight for 36 hours. Just me in a hospital bed with a blanket over me. And I look sick and I'm giving a thumbs up and I'm getting my dick sucked by a woman. You're like, amazing. He's so brave.

He's going to make it. Keep fighting. He's such a fighter when I was diagnosed with being gay. They told me I wouldn't live five months without sucking cock. Here I am 20 years later taking dick pills and tying a scarf around my mouth really tight whenever I'm around hot guys to prevent having only doggy style sex where I pretend there's no way a man's ass looks like a woman's ass. It depends what kind of man a woman's ass has got like handles to jam their shit on.

I know what you mean about that. But you never know that that looks like a lady's butt. I think I could probably if it was just one freak like everybody. What do you mean? I'm giving you an example of a man with a lady's ass. Timmy Thicke is like a CIA operation to fuck with everybody. Yeah, there is. It's like they can't slip acid into people's drinks so they came up with a little boy.

A little gay boy or a reeky boy. With a black woman's ass to destroy the nuclear family. To turn men gay. To lock us into a war with Iran. So anyway, go to bluetooth.com. The online physician consult is free. So you don't have to pay to go see a doctor like you would with Viagra and Cialis. It's chewable so it acts quicker than Viagra can work up to two times as fast.

They taste good too. They're like smart. They're like candies. They taste very good. Like better than almost. You know what? It might be the best tasting medicine I've ever had in my life. I like the dime attack back in the day.

I like Flintstones kids. I don't like that shit man. That's a vital. Orange Flintstones kids. You fucking imbecile. That's medicine. You imbecile. You know what the best tasting medicine is to me?

Yeah. I forgot it was about Cialis. We need silence. A moderate wonna, you know. What about it? That's the best tasting medicine. Bluetooth gives you confidence in bed every time. Chew it and do it.

Here's a great deal for you guys. Visit bluetooth.com and get your first order free when you use promo code COMTOWN. Just pay $5 shipping. That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com promo code COMTOWN. Promo code COMTOWN. Promo code. Promo code COMTOWN. And listen, I'll do more plugs later on, but next Sunday, I'm in Tampa, so please buy tickets

to see me there. And then that other weekend, I'm in Milwaukee, Appleton, and Chicago, Stavi.biz slash tickets. I've got road dates. I'm in Indianapolis. I'm in Chicago. I'm in Nashville. Ooh. That's all being handled or set up, but I'll have a link soon.

Nice. And National Rock. Yep. National will be interesting because that's the first one on the tour. Adam, talk. Hello. Hi. Keep talking.

Hi. Just say words. Something sounds weird with your shit. I think it sounds pretty good. Oh, yeah. You sound weird. You sound like you're in a can or something. Yeah.

Do I? Yeah. You sound distant. Maybe it's just our relationship. Yeah. It's a metaphor. Something's like literally. Go on a diet, you fat bitch.

Let's see. Is that going to solve it? Keep talking, Adam. You got to keep... Hello? Oh, wow. No, stop. Are you fucking with him or does he sound off?

Yeah. But I think you just... Whatever you just did might have fixed it. Check, check. Yeah, that sounds better. No. There's like a weird... I can't hear myself in the phone.

Are you bending the... You can't hear yourself at all? I mean, I hear myself, but I can't hear what I sound like. You're fucking up the XLR cable. You've broken it. I didn't break it. That... Now you sound normal.

Yeah. You fixed it, but you were like bending the fucking cord right at the... Damn, that's kind of cool, though, that if you bend the cord, it can fuck shit up. Mm-hmm. Well, it's... I know that from my guitar. That's interesting science. Interesting science experiment.

Well, Nick's got some road dates coming up. Nice to get new equipment and immediately have Adam break. I didn't break anything. It's been... And I wasn't scratching your glasses. Also, I want to give... Not because I forgot to get him a birthday gift, but a birthday shout out to my friend Alex Schwinn, one of the biggest legends I know.

And you're 35, and I want you to keep living. He's a big fan of the show. Big fan of the show. Shout out. And this is definitely making his day. Okay. Make my dick get hard and suck it. How about that?

Okay. Alex? Alex. He's an absolute legend. So, yeah. Go see us all live, man. Fuck that shit. Let's do plug.

I'm in Providence. I'm in Dallas, D.C., all the good places. And then Dublin and London, so buy tickets to that shit. And buy my calendar, baby. Stabby.biz, all that shit's over there. You got 11 more months left. 11 more months, and I'll sell them on the road. And then I'll get, and then I'll sell them on the show too.

A show doesn't seem that bad. Having a wide penis, you're saying? Women seem to like a wide penis. I don't know if they like a short penis. If you had to pick, I wonder if you had to pick between long and like pencil thin and short and fat. I think they would pick short and fat. Women don't know.

Women call in to the show. You can decide for Adam, because he can't figure it out. No, it's solid. Honestly, he doesn't care about your opinion. I'm really sad. He's actually misogynist. I'm red pill. Yeah, you know what I'd say to women?

Get your bloody life together. Get back in the kitchen, you fucking bitch. Get your bloody life together. Get your shoes off and come bring me my pills. I need back pills. I need back pills so I don't turn gay. Get your dick out of my ass. Bring me some beef.

Stop fucking my ass. Get your fucking dick in my ass, bucko. Why don't you get over here and put your cock in my ass? So that guy was just a regular ass professor, and then he wrote a gay ass book, and now he's like, you know... Yeah, he's just like a self-help guy. I think he first got pissed off by saying, I don't have to tell a trans person that they're a woman if they were born a man.

I think that's where he got his start. Why are people so mad at trans? I really don't understand that shit. Probably because they jacked off to them. So what? I've jacked off to them. I think a lot of it is, and this will seem like projection, even though I've never really been a pronouns guy.

Ben Shapiro doesn't count, but I feel like there's people that like Ben Shapiro or like Jordan Peterson that are just fucking obstinate, and it's literally like, but that's not what he or she means. It really is for some people just a yes-actually thing, and they're not necessarily bigoted. It's so politicized and complicated that there's no room for people that are just fucking being stubborn about something that they wouldn't if there was more room to discuss the nuances of pronouns. Yeah, but Ben Shapiro is not going to do that.

Ben Shapiro is not going to do that. I'm not talking about Ben Shapiro. Maybe it's just his tonality, but my first introduction to him the first couple of times I heard him, it's like, this seems like this is just a fucking autistic person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those aren't the rules. That's not what a woman means. Exactly.

Where it seems like it's not really, but you know, the more you look into Ben Shapiro, he's like as guilty of obfuscating the truth or being selective and like the, you know. Oh yeah, for sure. He's a dumb bitch. But shout out to his sister's titties though. But they're fucking heavy. What's she up to? What's Abigail?

Is that her name? Abigail? I think she's in musical theaters. Dude, I'm about to sing my way into some pussy. Just showing up in the recording studio. With a cape? Yeah. With a little tiny cape.

Can I see your titties please? Curly mustache. Your brother's pretty gay. Yes. Yes. Big curly mustache. Drone his face in a marble and a top hat. Figaro, figaro, figaro.

Hello, man. My name's Stavros. I don't know if you've heard the pussy eating debate in the forum earlier, but I'm one of the fathers. Yeah, the child rearing for me and my fellow heterosexual husbands we're talking about. Damn. Those are some fucking big things though. Do you think Shapiro has big balls if his sister has such big tits?

It's not how it works. It might. Don't ask how I know. Oh wait, that's true. We do have a piece of evidence. Shut up. And thank you for admitting your balls are small, by the way. They're not small, but they're not big.

Thank you for admitting it. They're on the record. They're gorgeous. Wow. I love science, dude. I fucking love science, brother. I love that shot. Damn.

Damn. It is straight up 68 degrees. I know, dude. It's not as fun. January. I'm about to put some shorts on and fucking shake my little nut, shake my big nuts, actually. It kind of makes me want to hold hands with a girl. With a woman, not me, dude.

Both have some, you know, like coffees to go. Makes me want to play fucking capture the flag, dude. See, this is capture the flag weather. It is capture the flag weather. Maybe I should just get a day job at a summer camp. Yeah. You know? And then fucking either get fired day one because I'm like, quit being a faggot.

Oh yeah. That would be good. They're like, you called that kid a faggot. I'm like, well, he was being a faggot. They're like, no, he's gay. Oh, and you're like, damn, my bad. I meant the other way. He was.

Yeah, my fault. My bad. Can I have some tater tots from the guy? Have some uncrustables? You by the way, those fucking rock, those little fucking pre made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The smokers uncrustables. Oh, and they're like, they're sealed. Sealed, you know, on the edges.

Talk about it. That's very Japanese. Talk about a camp food. Yeah. This is Japanese, but to me, it's white trash. To me, it's rec center. To me, it's your parents both work. So they left you, you know, under the care of a 70 year old nice Republican man who runs

an inner city, a more recreation center. You went to camp. You went to day camp. Yeah. I mean, my parents left me. I had went to an after school program every day. It was just, it was called them. It was called the Mora Crossman Recreation Center.

I was the Jewish lady that gave the money for it. I guess. It is. And my school was called John Roura Elementary and everyone said John Roura was murdered there and he haunted the halls. Scary. But I don't think it's true. Scary.

I wonder who he was. I never looked that up. Damn. Actually, who the fuck was John Roura? He was the first Marine. He came up with Roura. Roura. Yeah.

Um, I fucking love the rec center though, dude. Plain fucking is hooping all day. Yeah. Eating uncrustables. Hmm. Who was John Roura? Damn. Okay.

It's got a 4.0 rating on GreatSchools.com. Not bad. But only four, only four reviews. It was not a great school when I went there. I'll tell you that much, chief. It's got better than hollabird. It'll suck my dick, hollabird. They just, they did this thing in my school where they just shepherded it all.

Like anyone who was like even sort of smart, they just put us in a little room and then we didn't interact with the other kids. Yeah. Stop things. Stop things. It was next to special ed. Stop things lunch. And it wasn't for fat kids.

Stop things lunch is a special ed. We actually, there was a special class they put me in where we were allowed to eat. You just got to eat. And it was just me and it was. Yeah. I was so advanced I had, I was in gifted and talented lunch. And it was just me because I kept, I was so advanced. I kept eating all the other kids food before they had a chance to.

Wow. And they kind of put me in my own little to classroom just me and me and the janitors and we would be kiss. We were next to special ed. Yeah. Were you in any plays? Hell yeah, dude. Of course.

Yeah, me too. I was a theatrical ass little motherfucker. I was a theatrical kid too. And then very, I was, I loved fucking plays. And then in sixth grade, I had a big shift and I was like, I'm cool. I'm not gay, so. Yeah. That happened to me in ninth grade.

It happened to me in sixth grade because I didn't get the lead in Charlie Brown story or whatever. Yeah. Once I didn't get, I was like, come on. If they could only see you now. Exactly. I'm born to play this role. You fucking dumb bitch.

And then I quit and I started playing soccer in sixth grade. I was in a murder mystery and I played the male lead and there were way more girls in the theater department than boys. You broke the mic again. I'm literally not bending anything. Just don't hold it. Just stop. Whatever you're doing.

Hold it up here. Hold it up here. You're breaking the microphone. I didn't break. You're fine. Just hold it up here. Don't hold it in the wire. Okay.

But they had two female cast. No, it's fucked up again. Here, let me see it. What? Adam has fucked up the mic and he's fucked up again. Check, check, check, check, check. It sounds normal now. It sounds normal, yeah.

Nick fixed it. Thanks, Nick. Adam's gay. Anyway, they had two female cast and there was a kiss. I'm like fucking annoying. It's not you, but I went out and bought other shit. The guy told me these were the fucking cables. It's fine.

It works fine. I know it's fine. We just need to unplug it and plug it. No, it's fine. I know, but we shouldn't have to do it. Sorry. I know I don't want to get frustrated. Well, you know what people sold this to you?

Yeah. Those people. It's fucking annoying because then it's like you're going to get a million people that are like fucking like, you dumbass. You should have bought. It's like, you know what, those people are winning, Nick, and you're literally winning. I don't know. I'm not winning.

Yes, you are. I tried my goddamn best to make this thing sound at least normal. This is how you win. Yeah. This is how you win. This is how you win. Adam Sandler voice. What are we saying?

Oh, yeah. And then I got a kiss of seventh grade and eighth grade girl. Whoa. In the play. He was kissing two bitches like his two bitches. And then after the play, we had a cast party and all the girls, you know, it's like theaters. It was like touchy feely, like massage and so I was like hugging all the girls goodbye after the play because it was like, and I was like, all these girls let me touch them.

It's amazing. And my dad saw me hugging all the girls and saying like, you did great in the play. And then we were like walking in the car and my dad's like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, what? He's like, are you gay? He's like, only gay guys act like that. And I thought it was cool that all these girls were letting me hug. Yeah.

And it made no sense to me what he was saying, his internalized homophobia or just his internalized being gay. Yeah. He's like, I would never act like I'd be having sex with all the girls. I would fuck them. I would fuck them. If I was in seventh grade, I've never hugged a woman. I should call him about that and say that hurt my dude.

You should. I was thinking about that, dude. It's like being in therapy. It's like the therapist is like, if something fucks you up, he's like, go have a conversation about it. Like all the times, maybe just fucked me up throughout my life that I'll never address. You don't need. I mean, that's what your therapist says, but I think you should just forgive, but never

forget. I will never forgive. Dude. I got, I got, I got something from all my enemies. Remember the videos that like the break, the b-boy competitions between midgets? Of course. Those need to come back. I agree.

It's also to, if you want to wear underwear, you go to Mack Weldon. Okay. Mack Weldon.com underwear. All right. Thank you. We're trying a new thing now where he got real quick. Mack Weldon Echo- Mack Weldon Echo underwear.com.

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And it's some of the best motherfucking stuff in the biz motherfucker. That's what I said you get you listen you want your cock Listen, we've already told you how to get your cock hard now. You need cloth to cover your soft cock and good news Mac Weldon provides that. Mm-hmm. And and and they have I mean fucking they they drape your cock They drew a fine cloth Luxuriously, yeah, but the thing I like about Mac Weldon is they fit well But they also they're good for tying off your dick and to use a cock making it can't get hard Yeah, mm-hmm what they call or just to make it seem purple look purple, right? If you want to yeah, if you're trying to have a purple

Well, that's why those girls send around that eggplant Yeah, because I have my dick because they want a purple dick grimace when I tie off my fucking When I tie off my dick and mainline mm-hmm So they got If you listen they got antimicrobial shit They got so the silver line or something and it means you makes doesn't make your cock stink No

I mean no matter how stinky your cock is this kind of shit will eat up the stink and it'll make your cock smell like roses and If you don't silver I silver ion blend, you know, and if you don't If you don't like it keep the fuckers you fucking idiot, and they refund you your money the money And I love money I love fucking money loves cha-chi or something money loves cha-chi money loves cha-chi And the fuck is that dude fuck him Scott Bale. Yeah. Yeah, he loves Trump. No, but saying it that way I think there's a denies Miller thing. Oh, yeah, she Dennis Miller says cha-chi But I don't think it means I don't know if it's a Johnny loves cha-chi reference. It might be cha-chi

Probably put the name cha-chi in in the public's imagination Imagination Mission is simple is to make sure all your basics and beyond they're smartly designed and shopping for them as easy and convenient The website's easy a lot of people don't like buying shit Look at the look at the sun on the wall doesn't my doesn't that look like a little penis? Oh, wow, I'm gonna reflect. I wish the audience could see like the light off my phone The Sun is hitting my phone And it's hitting the wall and it looks like a little penis. I tell you this I had to buy I had to buy some shit for my car

Take a picture that I had to buy some shit for my car and it didn't work So I returned it and the process sucked ass sucked hard It's like you get so used to fucking Amazon that like you forget that most online shopping sucks a dick But Mack Weldon is very easy even better than any in a different website. It's as easy as Amazon. No, it's better Well, Amazon is kind it doesn't really get easier. Is he and it's not well then is it? No Here's why you're a fucking idiot and why I'm the head of marketing. No, I'm not people are familiar with Amazon But you should don't want a different company's name. It's not a competing company. They don't They sell underwear, bro

People didn't know that until you're like Amazon by the way who also sells underwear people People knew what they sell everything people just want a fucking comparable Experience just something that already makes sense if I say it's like Amazon for underwear You fucking know what I'm talking about. It's easy. It's a very simple shopping experience You're not gonna be confused by it and they've got a Ward winning mobile. You're the head of marketing. I'm just saying I don't mean yeah I don't you're pulling rank and I understand I was saying if I was that a marketing I would be doing things like this is why we never hire fat people

They want to eat all the office supplies They're too concerned with going to lunch. So I'll just focus. Yeah in front of us. What is for lunch? I don't know. We should get low. We should get shit catered every time getting pussy I would love and I spread catered lunch after That would be great. Anyways, that would be us when it's better than whatever you're wearing right now It's very it's very easy to fucking buy things on their website. It's very easy for whatever dummick's reason You don't like the fucking underwear because you're stupid. It can be returned. No questions They don't care that you're stupid and you might not like it for for 20% off your first order

Go to mackweldon.com and enter promo code and promo code coming time. Okay, and a promo code come town 20 a checkout Yep, come town 20 20% off your first order. You don't like it. You keep being aware. No questions No questions ask refund you the money. So check them out mackweldon.com slash pussy and we're black We're gonna talk about steely then I thought we weren't gonna talk about silly then well we can't now there's been enough time Yeah, so we watched the Asia documentary. No, you don't give it all away Now we'll never mind. I don't know what to say then I Don't know it was just two guys. How about that? Nick got mad at me earlier for saying the Dan Yeah, that's a fucking horrible way. Well, that's what people in the community call them

The steely Dan lovers community So they just two guys Yes, well one of them is dead now. Oh fuck for real. Yeah, Becker is dead the bald guy Fagan's alive because us Because we are like cockroaches And we live forever Mm-hmm. Honestly, I am probably gonna look like Donald Fagan when I'm older do wishful thinking No wishful thinking. I love this shit. It's like, yeah when I'm older. I'm gonna look like that guy who aged fine Yeah, no, I know that pretty well

He's a fellow fish-lipped Jew and I think that's probably a model for what I'll look like one day I'm gonna look exactly like fucking you think Donald Fagan's a hot guy He looks pretty good, but he looks as good as look up Donald Fagan old Oh, actually, you know what? He doesn't look good. No No, he looks like something like a weird old shoe. He looked better young. I'll tell you he was hotter than you when he was young Okay, so you're not gonna age as well. Yeah Actually, we got One of they got how much pussy they got because they wouldn't really tour and that's usually when you get pussy as a rock star

And they were doing a lot of heroin too pussy is a rock star Becker's girlfriend died really tragically. Oh shit. Yeah, she overdosed in his apartment. He got sued for 17 million dollars. What? Yeah, that's a fucking tough one, dude. Yeah That's crazy for by who is her family her beer gas family do you fuck their haters having a good time Mm-hmm with the boy. It's his girlfriend, too. It's not like a fucking like, you know, yeah It's not like this was like a prostitute or something, right? There's somebody has feelings for yeah Who like probably made their own decision to do drugs? Absolutely, I feel like a prostitute has her own agency as well

Prostitute has her own agency, but it's something about like I don't I know you mean they had a life together They you know what I mean? She was there for on purpose Damn, did they did he beat the she did he beat the case did he kill himself to Show that 17 million. Yeah, I have no idea what happened 17 mil imagine having 17 million dollars. That'd be awesome. I would fucking Damn, what would I do? I would retire I'll retire with 17 mil. I

Would become fucking bodybuilder like that fact I from boys. I can't wait to be a joddy builder Can't wait to gild my joddy Yeah, I want to be strange. I'm trying to be strange looking strange in 2012. What's he was he was that guy up to he's dropped the act Oh, it was an act. He's like my name is done. Do you know who it's? Oh Here's a classically trained from Oxford. Here's a good. Here's a good Okay, sorry Here we go. Let's go trivia instead of a bit. Why it's gonna be getting started. It's gonna be about Donald Fagan, too No, it's gonna be about something we were talking about

It's gonna be about the third member of the Dan Okay, so not about okay, not technically Donald Fagan, but exactly where we go And the thing we moved on from and you kept thinking about ignoring. No, this is a fun fact This is a fun fact. No, go ahead. This is why I'm teaching our son pussy. Yeah. Okay. This is why all right Sorry for interrupting, but this is good enough to share The third member of their band in college. Yeah, who after they graduated I'm a Chevy chase. Yeah, okay. Cool. Thanks, man Anyway, so it is kind of cool. That is kind of cool. No, yeah that asshole

What did he play? Maybe drums, he played the drums. Yeah, really? Yes. Interesting. Yes Anyways, uh, Juliard I learned my craft. I applied my Donald I originally came up with the character for Savage Psycho Joe after seeing an advertisement for An exercise class and I thought about the modern condition In what way would a even a mental retard experience the basic aspirations of an American consumer And I thought how funny would it be if a man who naturally only has one quality that we've Bestowed upon him in the subjective. Sure, which is retards strength strength, which we obviously

Understand in the real world. It does not mean actual physical strength. Yes. It's the strength to be a retard Fortitude and if one of these retards. Yes, well to pursue a physical strength Taking it out of the abstracted and should add abstraction into the concrete. What would that look like and I thought? a retarded person having a weightlifting And and lying about how much he's putting up Where is Savage Psycho? I hope he's getting My day I was about to look up Savage Psycho Joe and then a hot woman popped up on my Instagram

Oh my god, I love when that happens and I think I'm just gonna look at her for a while Can I see because I'm sucking penis. It's a hundred degrees. I can't wait to suck it get on my fucking knees So close that was close. I'm losing it dude. I'm in my own day Look just play the minor core the basic chords first and then start sewing over top I'm gay I'm hot for pain there we go. I'm fucking gay fucking gay fucking gay My dick is small dick is small I'm hot for penis

Hot for penis, let's go. Let's go. I'm fucking gay So Yeah, I'm hot for penis I'm fucking gay I'm hot for penis We're in stereo. Yeah, that's right. I feel bad for the losers listening on one air pod We're not getting the full experience. Yep Yeah, they're not

Again some compressed monorail bullshit. What's that? What is the uh, how's the rest of that song girl? Um, that's it. That's also not wanting to fuck your teacher. I want to fuck my teacher. Do you ever have a teacher? You wanted to fuck adam. Mm-hmm Adam plenty Adam's perpetually horny. That's why he likes all those Philip Roth books. He's never read Well, yes, of course, I've read I've read multiple. But yes, I do I I do identify with a lot of those books The horny the horny semi the horny jew the horny jew part two the character of the horny semi Jesus aren't that good at fucking though, right? They're terrible. No, we're not good. We just want to

interesting That makes sense. We're just Yeah Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Well, let me why don't you come on down here? We'll see. No, we can find out. I'll have a fuck off with you, dude I'll we'll we'll both fuck each other and then we'll decide who's the better lover as long as you stay the fuck out of the wood job You know what I'm saying? We can't be acting this way in front of our son and the aviary on floor seven

You do get the aviary although My grandfather it's kind of in my blood to be a part of the sorry apiary I want a room that I can sit in to do zen meditation while being stung by bees. Okay, that's cool I just come out covered in beastings sweating I'm like, I've relaxed a higher plane You guys see that video that guy Running with the parents. Yeah, I retweeted it. Oh, you did. Yeah. That was pretty good. It's a great video

I didn't realize you retweeted that looks like uh, tony gazelle. Yes Yeah, tony tony little whatever the guy who did Tony little from the gazelle freestyle in his old age Running with parents. Yeah, the guy that was the guy that fucking benoit was hallucinating and hearing tell him to do what he did Was it for real? No. Oh that I like to imagine. Yeah, he was hallucinating and thought tony gazelle was like just do it Man, just do it. You can do it brother. All it takes is a little dedication Dude, those things looked awesome the way his legs swung I wanted to be that guy, dude. I like his ponytail and baseball cap. I love that his life story is so funny Really? I remember looking him up as a teenager, but he got like hit by a bus

And then while he was recovering, um, he got like spinal meningitis. Jesus He's like temporary loss like his eyesight. That's so he was hanging out at his friend's house and because he was blind He went to sit down and he thought it was a chair, but it was a bucket filled with acid What? Why did his friend have that? What the fuck? LSD acid? Yeah, so he like burned his ass and balls. Like burny acid So does he have smooth ass balls? Yeah, I don't know. Let me look at his ass Dude, that's a horrible place to burn Well, he came back from that shit, dude. He did. He looks great. I told you I they thought I had spinal meningitis ones And I had to get a spinal tap. Yep

It was uh, pretty metal. Didn't they think you had AIDS also? They didn't think I had AIDS for real. I'm not even joking I'm not even trying to say. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they do. They did. That was I'm a good listener. It was AIDS or hepatitis C Because I went to an endoscopy center in Vegas. Wait, hold on for a colonoscopy. Wait, let me finish this So it describes himself as an avid collector of antiques classic guards and obscure species of lives That might be him in the video. I don't have AIDS I don't have AIDS. Just at the end of the story. If any girls are listening, Adam is HIV positive. No, I just wanted to finish that I have a clean bill of health, however Well, yeah, so you he had two herniated disc and knee dislocation

A cracked vertebrae and lacerations. He recovered enough. Oh, he was involved in a car accident He competed during his recovery. Little began developing exercise programs And parodies and this is just Wikipedia. I'm trying to find because I remember reading this like 15 years ago Searched Tony little acid balls burned Tony little acid Acid balls was what I said I'm sucking day Yeah, this is great while visiting a friend during the time while he was recovering his vision Little accidentally sat in the tub of acid and suffered second degree burns to his genitals and anus

No way, dude. Yeah, little is that's not real that he's been electrocuted Several times once while trying to install a television above his bathtub. Hell, yeah My man, you're a little fucking bubble bath tv. Yeah respect That's living baby. Oh, I he got chemical burns on his butt when he began when he unwittingly sat on a table that had been treating with Treated with acid, but that would require that he's naked Yeah, maybe just don't his friend. You don't apply. Yeah, something's weird about that story. Maybe it's fake Yeah, I think he was doing some freaky stuff. You know, I think he was doing some freaky shit some freaky shit Like what? Well, he's blind. So that's like the best opportunity to have real

It's like you're always no strings attached type of nsa. Yeah, because you're like, I didn't know he was a man I didn't know because I'm blind. I thought it was a woman's. I thought of what I thought I was sucking a really long Cubular tit. I didn't realize it was a man's penis I thought it was a really stiff breath. She's like now that I'm blind. I could finally be on the down low Yeah, well you fucked up the microphone again, dude. I didn't Well, it's all right. We've got to wrap up here anyway folks. I think right. Yeah, we're did I fuck it up? Is it fine? No, it's fine now I'm sucking dick. See y'all later. Bye bros