The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 191 – Too old

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

even the classico cant get it poppin like the old days

In New Orleans is that for real something like that It was like Louisiana or something my dad cuz you know Mike they don't really talk about shit My dad was like he was like, yeah, he had you know, I don't know and he would like bring him around Sometimes he's trying to get us all be like be friends He's like yeah respect. He's like these are just some friends of mine who look like yeah And he's look half like me and half like a Creole woman. Yeah, right, and he's like and they're much younger than him Yeah, my friends

Damn respect for that move. Yeah, dude Let's get secret families Because here's the thing. I want to live this lifestyle. Yeah, but then I want to go somewhere See my kids for like two weeks. Yeah, catch me if you can catch me if you can would be awesome Do you have a fake family? I don't know. Yeah, but they literally just watch the movie today. I know we were watching on one of the episodes And I don't remember what he did. I think you wrote checks. Yeah, he did write checks. He got pussy for sure I saw uncut gems last night. Hell. Yeah. Yeah, did you see it? I loved it. I thought it was good

Yeah, but definitely not as good as Adam is pretending it is Maybe yeah, Adam's probably trying to become friends with the safty brothers if I had if I had a guess is it you think That's his move probably of course. I don't know. Does this sound weird. He's do sound a little tinny Yeah, he do that. No, man still the same fucking cables. We've got to get higher quality cables, bro I got I got these we got to get whatever Aerosmith uses. I got these specifically because the guy was like, oh, these are the best ones Really? Like these are they got like quad shielding. You've been bamboozled brother You've been led astray by this motherfucker again at B&H. Yeah, does that work? Oh

Still fucked up. I think you sound a little better It's yeah, it's like that That weird like tin like yeah, you sound like you're in a fucking phone booth. Yeah But I don't know man. This is yeah, it's really fucking annoying. It's a cool effect. That's me. I'm now coming in loud Yeah Now I'm coming in loud and horny. This is the voice of a man with a hard penis You are watching a gay man at work Yeah, does that sound is that there yet is what they're yet the noise so I believe it's still there

This is another cord you can use. Yeah, probably all right. Well, listen fuck it Just do you get the cord I'll say what's up to the people. Hello everyone. You're listening to a come-town classic the way You've always wished it could be just nick and stave Sitting around in his fucking apartment. I have to shit I have a little a mild case of the stomach flu Thanks to Ryan shut who I believe caught it from eating ass I'm going to accuse him of that he caught it from eating ass. I think so. Yeah, this is just fucked You still sound a little weird. Yeah, I don't know how to fix it. Whatever man. Fuck these motherfuckers

This is what you get you fucking pigs you get slop today You get some fucking podcasting slop with the boys. Just us Adams in fucking Japan I'm in more than Miko. What's your motto town? What are these called? Kupol 5000 KUP EL yeah, I was just gonna get a more like sure XLR cables and this fucking guy was like, you know, you don't sound bad anymore. I sound fine. Yeah You sound good brother. Yeah, but it should net this never happened with the old ones. Yeah That's true

KOPL If you work for KOPL, fuck you suck our whole hogs Yeah, I mean they have like fucking high ratings Hmm All right, I guess I got it just fucking ignore that man power through anyways. Yeah, it wasn't as good as Adam I really liked it. I mean, I thought it was it was like a fucking They're so good this after you are really good at fucking like making you nervous That's the thing I thought going into it. I wasn't gonna like it because it was gonna give me too much anxiety

Yeah, but there's like four or five different panic attacks in that movie and they kept getting bigger and bigger Didn't do it for me and it doesn't do it because there's like too much And I don't even know really how to explain spell it out, but yeah, the the moments in which the anxiety abates are so Kind of detached from reality that it's like well, this guy's never really in danger You know where he like places that fucking bet Yeah, but that's what he thinks he hits the first bet and then that's all that moment when he when it doesn't go when he's Well, no, it does go. They're originally doesn't go. They stopped the bet. They stopped the bet

Yeah, but he did win so it's like Nobody didn't though. He didn't even cooler He didn't because they stopped the bet But it abates the the anxiety because there is a moment prior to him leading up. So you're thinking like You know, I don't know it's like maybe he did win the money But then he's immediately just gonna gamble it again because he's a gambling addict. Yeah, but you know That's he's a win dude for the moment. It's it's like a win, but it again what my point is is then it's like the end of The movie it's like, okay, well he places this bet and he's gonna win

You know, we don't know that yeah, but it doesn't spoiler alerts. We don't know that. Yeah, I don't it's like it's literally like Okay, well, what's the point then that he's good at gambling? Because it's like it's still chance. You know what I mean? It's like no dude the rock is magic It's too nice. See that's what I mean Kevin Garnett and the rock dude is from Africa. Yeah, well if you introduce that kind of like magical Element to the whole fucking thing It's like well, how can the the anxiety ever exist because it's not based in reality We don't know you have he's got a feeling that he's a gambler that luck gets gets his fingers on a fucking magical rock And that's a pretty cool story if you ask me and he's got a mistress with big-ass titties and a fat ass

Yeah, and she grabs a weekend's cock in a in a UV bathroom. Mm-hmm And even a dean of Manziel could get he was looking good as hell. Honestly, so that's kind of my take on the move that's kind of my fresh take and It's definitely like good and fun, but it like it, you know, yeah I actually like good time better the whole movie pedals in anxiety for sure and and that where it Detaches from that anxiety is kind of in this supernatural place that nullifies the whole thing for me So watching it going in I was like training day is probably the most like anxiety Oh, yeah, I've ever seen yes, and training day just sort of drives the entire time and you just feel like I would like

I still you know rewatching training day feel kind of like sick absolutely for sure and Maybe like initially like the pacing is Jewish training day. Yeah, but then again, it's not violence It's it's placing bets. Yeah, but he's like saved by magical intervention in Jewish. I guess I'm chosen people Yeah, well, I don't know man. He what I mean the thing is he wasn't let's say he's saved ultimately, right? He's still like you said, he's ultimately gambling out. He is going to fucking He's gonna lose at some point. He's gonna lose big at some point But I just want to see the Sandman out there dude getting pussy from a hot girl. Mm-hmm. That's enough for me Yeah, and you know he really there's some great scenes

I mean the scene where him and his wife and he's trying to get her back And he's like just pathetically trying to hold on to what he has even though it doesn't want to yeah But I also just love I love when he's like fuck it. I'm making the big bet and I love these got a down bitch I need a girl like that dude. That's my dream woman. Yeah woman who is fictional character fictional character does not exist He's a big ass that holds it down for her man You know because he lets her live in his father-in-law's apartment I think and then he goes there to get pussy and he tells her it's over

But she doesn't want to hear that. Mm-hmm. She wants to go place a big-ass bet for him. Yeah, and you know I'm the guy at the end with the hotel room. That guy rolls on slow. That guy's me Listen, I gotta take a shower. All right. I'm gonna go take a shower and I got you the door rings I got friends coming over. I also got food coming. So no matter what it is. Just open it and answer the door Okay, baby that guy. Yeah, dude, that's all worth it for that guy cuz just lying to his friends about fucking her Yeah, she's gonna he doesn't need to fuck her bright stick He's big is so it's like, you know when there's like a straight gay man Well, you know when there's a strain of like a

Antibiotics are resistant. Yeah, or a strain of virus there resistant antibiotics. That's his dick with dick pills. It's over Yeah, he's completely mashed his penis with every kind of treatment to get you hard. That's not happening anymore Mm-hmm. All he has left is his friends thinking he's fucked up when the pills stop working for me I'm going wires. I'm gonna do the the Reebok pump on one of my nuts I'm doing like some crouching tiger hidden You're gonna be playing the flute while you're getting sucked off This why being pulled by wires I respect that. Yeah, no, I want the Reebok pump. I want to go

On my left nut and I'll get my dick so hard. That'd be pretty tight There's an old there's an old German guy in Greece who had one of those Yeah, he would go around town. He wouldn't inflate his cock, but he would talk about how nice it was How much he would enjoy it how much he would enjoy it does that sound better? Oh, yeah, it actually does. Maybe it's the Wingard. I don't think so Maybe it like creates like an echo inside the Wingard shit Do you have the finest top quality ass Wingards? Maybe that was it the whole time? Does that sound better? I can't fucking tell anyone. No, whatever man. Who gives a fuck?

I do because I'm like I have a fucking fixation. I see it sounds better. I think That sounds better. That does actually sound better. That sounds better. I think so. You just can't breathe into it Yeah, yeah, he didn't get the job because he breathes weird Just working a call center and just being like thanks for calling AT&T. Can I get your customer subscriber number? Okay, mr. Edwards, let me give me one second. I'm gonna pull up your account here So I see So the thing is you're locked out of your email. You gotta just pull it back a little bit, you know, okay, we got your account up here And it looks like you did call in about this earlier something about your service dropping out

In the afternoons and let me just do a quick test on your line to make sure that there's no physical problems that we just need to send us A tech out for so that'll take two seconds here Yeah, I got you. Yeah, okay, so and the problem is on the 536 number the 536 and So we're just gonna pull up in the email address. That's the yahoo. Yes. Okay, and let me just right here and I'll Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Yeah, I'm getting I'm getting the hang of that one now So if anybody listening works in a call center, you you want to try that one out? You're gonna try that one out for size How the boys feel about that one

Oh, fuck dude I'm gonna try that one out for size How the boys feel about that one Oh, fuck dude Damn And you're like a Japan like a hentai guy coming I'm so what was is everything okay? Sorry. I'm just calling in about my number. I'm breathing Okay, no all your breathing. Sorry about that. I'm breathe this. That's how I breathe. I understand this is how I breathe

Dude, although training day as fucking, you know panic inducing as it is I know that you're saying like uncut is like Is like, you know a trailer alone fuck me up for uncut gems when I first saw it It was like I can't see I thought it was gonna be a lot more this was more It was more peaks and valleys than it was like one straight Peek, you know, just one giant fucking buildup the way kind of you know I really like good time though the Robin Pattinson one where they have Greek dirtbags playing it But it was more like peaks and valleys of like oh you can relax for a second here Which is probably what a gambler's life is like a funny emotion

I had after seeing it when I woke up this morning was like I want to go to midtown to see the Jews I want to see the Jews just taking pictures. They're out there They went to my they went to my favorite jewelry spot popular jewelry It's like I got my chain and it's like when you when you go like I sell for versus Ferrari and you're like man I want to go to like a car museum. Yeah, exactly totally after uncut gems. I'm like, I want to see those those J bags Yeah, I want to see I want to see some Jews talk down a man trying to pawn his wedding ring Yeah, especially the fucking the shop with where he's he like pawns the Celtics Yeah, I want to see those guys. Yeah, what's the matter Bobby?

Are you okay? Is everything okay? Dude, yeah, that guy had that was some good acting on his part. He seemed acting It seems like those are just guys that work in the store I know but that's what I mean is like those are regular ass guys and he actually had had to have a real moment with Sandler Where and it's clearly going downhill. He's like, is everything okay? He's literally worried his boy is about to get got yeah Worried to the extent that he's just gonna be like, are you okay? Anyways, I'm gonna sell this ring No, that's the game dude. It's the game. Yeah, you know how the fuck you it's the same thing. It's that it's that it's the Jewish mafia

Being in the you know pauling it is funny that Italian thing of theirs Italian guys, you know, like just at the end he's like fucking Why don't I be the boss? Yeah Do a much better job of being the boss Fuck dude. Yeah So we're out here man holding it down Adams over and fucking What's that other actor's name? He looks like an upset toddler You know what I mean?

Yeah That guy's whole vibe is like But you said I could have a snack You said I could have a juice Look at him he crying because he can't have his juice I'm not crying Like you know like a baby He does when he crumples his face up

But it's like a baby like a baby that's upset that is can't have his juice, but he's trying to be a man and not cry That's true. That's true. I respect that because I have a lot of the same I am definitely an upset toddler, but I'm not being a man about it. Yeah, I'm sad I want my fucking juice and everybody's gonna fucking find out about it, dude Yeah Yeah, fuck with the key Stanfield though. Yeah, he's good Yeah There was a there was weird shit with that character

I didn't ever understand what was going on with him or that was a little weird. I will admit, you know where he's like I got the I got the rock right now And it's like it's also I don't know they drive down to Philadelphia and then he just disappears into the locker room It's like what the fuck is going on? Yeah, you know And it's like a lot of it is just kind of in the service of trying to build that anxiety but not done in a way where it's like It's not driven by any kind of like coherent plot I sort of see what you mean. They're masters of building anxiety, but you feel like Yeah

It's not necessarily earned with the reality of the plot Yeah, and you could I mean there is an argument that it's like that That obfuscation of like the motivation is like intentional to add to the anxiety or whatever But it doesn't like it just feels like a kind of lazy writing almost to be honest I know I mean I kind of just saw it as like Yeah, I mean if anything it's like why would Yeah, or like when he goes to the club That's why it's got to be KG though because otherwise that character would never allow the rock

But it's like I mean fuck it KG he's given me his championship ring You know what I mean? I don't know I do it's just it's just possible enough And that's why Adam Sandler's character is weird at first you don't understand what he's doing But it's like no this guy's like he can't admit that he's a fucking loser ever He has to pretend he's the fucking man and that's his fatal flaw But he's lying about not having the money to pay people back You know what I mean? Because it's about because he's about to be the man

He's about to make the big ass big dick bet But the thing that happened at the beginning is like it's like he always knew he was having that rock coming You know what I mean? So it's like the rock that that was the other thing too That's probably why he wasn't worried though The through line the entire time is that he always has the money to fucking pay off this but he always has it Even it's like they should reveal at one point that he could just go to his fucking stepdad who will just give him a quarter million dollars And then he's like he's like oh right you know you need to take my quarter million dollars And he's like I have to pay the four the forty percent on it

He's like that's thirty eight thousand dollars Well I think the thing is he it seems like he's gonna be fine But that's how he it's he never allows that to happen Because he's always gonna ask for a little more he's always gonna try and actually go over on everybody And that's like his fucking problems like yeah he would have been fine The movie should have just ended in the beginning where he just pays him back But there's no point where he ever doesn't actually have the money you know what I mean? There's no point where he's like he can't pay these things off you know

Yeah there is a point where he doesn't have the rock he doesn't have yeah he's placed the bets He doesn't have the rock it's like maybe he won't get the ring back but that's never even like You know it's not like he goes there and they're like we already got right to the ring You said you'd come in on Friday. It's like he just still has it and then he swaps it out There's no fucking problem and then they blow the auction and KG is immediately like yeah I'll still buy it for the same price that it was no ten thousand less ten thousand less for the percentage that goes to whoever right You know, but it's like there's no like any of the moments for like where there could be like real anxiety Just they dissipate immediately

He seems in trouble when they fucking shake him down into fucking he doesn't think that he's in trouble Because it's his boy Arno or whatever the fuck, but you know you have the mobster element It's like there's just enough going on where you're like is he alright is he not? It's also who are those two other guys that look like fucking Michael Sarah That was like just supposed to be those guys rock are you kidding me? Well be there for like comedic effect, but it's like I don't know who he owes money to that those guys are like the fucking goons They're not goons. He ripped them off or something and they also owe money The guy comes back with like he they need whatever the fuck he owes them because they owe it to somebody else

It's clear that that I thought was clear to me because they come back with a fucked up arm and shit It gives you a little bit of an ecosystem of this world that you wanted to go Yeah, I guess I missed all that with those guys those guys were so funny looking dude God damn. I'm happy. I'm not them. That's the other thing too He's like he's giving away all those black guys is that black guys Rolex Yeah, and that guy's like you just gave away my Rolex alright later You know it's like okay. I guess that well he's everything's coming up do I think that's what's happening. He isn't okay He's fucking he's he's just borrowing to to barely keep it going. Yeah, but like I think like I said

It's like now. I'm just like fucking point pick like picking holes where I can you know I mean it's like ultimately it was fun to watch but I want to watch it again for sure I feel like I want to see what the same ends up to now that I know kind of the arc of the whole damn thing There were there would have been ways to really dial all of that in and make it like really fuck with you Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Yeah, and I don't know I want to watch again because I was I was in a theater and I selected my seats And I had a seat. I had no one sitting to my left. I hate that a science eating thing now Did I ever tell you I went to the I took Norman to go see like a moment to like something even like a big dick draft house where They had like leather recliners. Oh, yeah, and I had to sit right next to a fucking autistic boy brutal with his sister and his mom

Mm-hmm, and you know the whole movie is like that's the bad guy. He's gonna go in there and you're like shut the fuck up I get to say that yeah, I'm the one in the theater that says who says You guys are just in perfect unison. I was gonna say that You know and at one point is my favorite one point like somebody like five rows in front of a sneeze and he was like bless you And then fucking like Halfway through the movie the mom like leans over the sister and says to him like David, we're leaving You know let us just access when you're done watching the movie and then they just leave the autistic boy there The mom and the sister leave halfway through incredible. What movie was it? I think it was kick ass, maybe that's a good one

I don't I don't fucking remember young Nick Cage looking fucking gorgeous in that one. Yeah, I'm trying to have sex with my daughter I'm trying to see my daughter's pussy trying to become a superhero So I can sex with my own ass my own ass, but that will be my power Is a dick that stretches like a banana under my balls and into my own ass It's a movie called Lord of Gay Sex Every year over two hundred billion dollars in gay sex is traffic Okay, nice third world I see Lord of War not yes Lord of Gay Sex

I was born in little Odessa It's one of the only people having gay sex in that neighborhood back then Oh, Dubrovna Buzhnya Choo Choo Speaking Russian in that movie is so funny Yeah, I've never seen Lord of War actually Yeah, I don't speak a word of Russian but you hear him speaking it and you're like there's no way that's right That's not what it sounds like

That's not what it's supposed to sound like I'm willing to bet one million dollars Yeah He's fucking blowing everything Buzhnya Buzhnya Fuck dude Kickass is good

That kid, the guy who plays kickass or whatever Yeah Or maybe another guy I don't remember who kickass is But the main character He was fucking some old producer type bitch When he was young An old type of bitch

Respect to him You know Working that little fucking prick to get him To get him into Hollywood The penisante The penisante That's the name of my car I'll drive a Maserati penisante

Oh, I thought the penisante was like an ancient guild of gay assassins And that would be cool too The penisante Yeah The guys that rape They rape other men Yeah Yeah

It is a secret guild of assassins And what we do is we rep We rep men The Prince of Persia Yes dude Those are the bad guys in the Prince of Persia if I'm not mistaken It's the penisante The penisante

An ancient Italian guild of homosexual rapists Yeah And assassins The Illuminati The Illuminati The Illuminati The Illuminati The Illuminati

What's he in there We got some Hold on Let's work that around Now that we're in our 30s It takes a while Yeah, absolutely Damn, can you imagine how bad this podcast is going to be

When we're 42 years old Brutal We're making fucking $900 between the three of us on Patreon Yeah, yeah There's three people still subscribed and they're the only fans that haven't died of colon cancer Yeah They're like, I've been listening to shows since the beginning I live with my mom

Shut the fuck up Yeah Shut the fuck up Don't look me in the eyes Shut up Eric I don't even know Eric, stop coming to my house My roommate who I have to live with now

Oh yeah We're definitely in a group home with come down Who we don't pay rent to Because they treat us like Kenny Powers We make them sit in the bedrooms while they're listening to the show That sounds like a great episode out there Shut the fuck up Shut up

Shut the fuck up I'm not going to tell you again We're not listening to you right now Anyways, so what I was saying was I've been paying child support for seven years It's not even my kid To put the math together I didn't even fuck this bitch

Somehow I just Yeah, I signed the papers I thought it was cool to have sex I thought, yeah I haven't fucking ten years I thought I was just trying to The pussy from the show is dried up It dried up almost instantly

So yeah, I basically signed whatever Because she said she was going to let me see her pussy Yeah And I signed it It's similar to that That situation where Adam tricked us into signing those papers And then we have to do this forever He gets all the money

Then he licensed the show And now there's a show called Come Town That's just rebranded episodes of Disney's recess in Spanish The most popular show in America But the snitch character is the good guy Yeah The Adam's favorite show Randall with a Yankees fitted

A Yankees yamaka Hey guys, I just gripped a Yankees fitted That's so cool Randall You're the coolest kid in third grade Thank you so much Thank you Now does anybody want to do drugs? I do

Get him, officer Damn, I wonder what Spicoli's up to these days She's the hot one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah Damn Just cop and dome from Spicoli No, Spicoli's from... Ah, fuck

That's Sean Penn Yeah It doesn't matter It really doesn't matter They'll just say people know what we're talking about I'm gonna try to fuck Spicoli, dude Yeah, radical penis, brother They talk like a ninja turtle

Just fuck four girls that talk like the ninja turtles They can wear headbands They're all wearing headbands Radical penis Damn, I wanna... You wanna lick my fucking ass? I love that one of them is from California And the other one's from Bay Ridge

Yes And they're brothers So come over here and show me those beautiful fucking bulls Yeah, it was a... Raphael was the one that was a Brooklyn guy Yeah And then... He had the daggers Michelangelo was like a California surfman

The orange guy Leonardo's a fucking nerd with a little ass dick Because he's made with purple and he's got a staff Yeah, remember when in the movie like fucking... Raphael goes out to walk the streets at night Because he's fucking pissed Yeah And he loses one of his daggers

And he's like, I lost a fucking dagger I lost a fucking dagger Like, isn't this the children's movie? My fucking father Where the fuck am I? I wanna get a fucking dagger My fucking father left my fucking house And I grew up with some red faggot

Some red... Well, here we go Red... Raphael Do not call me a red faggot I'm sorry, splitter Why don't you go make a fucking egg roll, you motherfucker? I'm sorry, splitter

It's just that's what you are When I get pissed off sometimes When I think about my fucking daddy Leaving me here with some red faggot Whoa, dude Don't say the C word, bro Shut up, you fucking... Why don't you go back to the fucking shore

And shove your surfboard up your fucking ass? What do you got in that shell? A bunch of dildos and gay... I got a couple... Shut up, dude I might have a couple dildos in there, man Is there even a fucking house in there Or is it just a lady's fucking bathroom?

A bunch of holes in the walls so you can suck cock Dude, you're being really messed up right now, bro Yeah, you know what the real secret of the use is? The Donatello sucks dick It's the fucking... Jesus, who's it out of his fucking hands? I like the idea that the foot clan Is like just a bunch of guys that want to see

April O'Neill's feet Cell feet pics We will see April O'Neill's feet One way or another No way, Shredder Fuck, I wish... What did the other two sound like? Donatello and...

Just regular guys? Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo Leonardo Leonardo Yeah, Leonardo is like... I think I'm allergic to the pizza Wait, this is non... This is vegan cheese

Cause I have IBS One of them should have been the Puerto Rican guy I think that would have been very cool Jew Puerto Rican Surfer guy Brooklyn guy That fucking Leonardo was just like What you say, mommy?

Hey, mommy, April April's like... Don't leave me alone with him I would love to cheat on April April, I love you, mommy Why don't you please give me some of that? I will treat you so good, baby I'll make you a queen, baby

Until I see some other people You know I'm just a little on the side Just a little less my fucking culture That's what is... That's just some uptown stuff, man I can't... You know, I just got an uptown mentality Fucked

Did one of the turtles fuck April? In the cartoons That's awesome One of them was trying to And then the human fucked her, right? With a hockey mask Casey Jones Yeah

Respect Played by... Greek guy He's such a funny actor Because he was this handsome guy with long hair And then he went just severely bald Damn And it's like, well now you can play detective

Yeah And nothing else Give that man a wig, dude That's what fucking Billy Zane did Billy Zane is the only smart bald person In the entire world Dude, it's coming for me I'm about to go wigs

No, you should have gone wigs immediately That would have been... When I'm fucking 20 When we were like 23 You should have gone wigs Back when I met you That was so funny, dude It was like the first month

You were hanging out And you were all upset one day And you're like My girlfriend's been looking At fucking Rogaine for us Dude, that poor girl Thought she had like I was just gonna have a real job

And start using Rogaine It's like, no, no, no Yeah, yeah That is hilarious To think you were in like a long-term relationship With a girl that thought You were gonna be like a... Just a regular fucking guy

Just working it Being a paralegal You still talk to her? Nah I started a wedding And it was clear I was on acid Yeah

And then she was like And she was just like She was like a fun little combo But she was like engaged To a different fat guy Yeah, yeah, yeah Who was exactly what she wanted Yeah

Just some fat, like nice guy That was like not, you know No one's paying any attention to him He's not at the fucking... He's not doing acid She thought she was gonna She thought she had a Donatello But she had a Raphael

She had a fucking Raphael Throwing daggers around Getting his little fucking turtle dick sucked Yeah Yeah, dude I wish we could be friends Cause it's like, yeah At this point it was like fucking

We dated like 10, 11 fucking years ago Yeah Like it was college and shit Yeah I would like to have regular ass friends But, you know She probably looks at me Toothless fatter than I was

She thinks, damn The one that got away Can't get hard anymore I mean, hey dude You're famous That's what I tell myself Yeah, she's like If only I could have been with a racist podcast

Everyone updated They knew that they really let something special go away Especially the women that are now engaged And married And yeah The ones that have families And literally just pictures of them Enjoying their lives

Oh, yeah Yeah Those dumb fucking whores They could have had it all, dude They could have sat next to the racing wheel Oh, yeah And gotten seamless twice a week Yeah

Instead of their husband Who probably knows how to cook and does How to cook, build Yeah, I mean Oh, you know how to build things Yeah, but I wouldn't That's right That's the thing

That's true That's the mistake that women make Is they think just because you can do something that you will I can do a lot of things That's true I refuse to That's the thing about me I actually cannot do many things

But the things I do do I will probably do them for you Which is basically Yeah, just cook Just buy food Yeah Me and the garage for like nine days I just walk in completely nude

With an owl perched on top of my head And I go in the fridge And I eat some bologna And I'm like, oh, yeah, hey And then I go back out What's up? What's up, family? Hi, Nick

Your daughter, your seven-year-old daughter Hey, Nick, could you drive me to school today? They're all taller than me All of my children are like six, three, six, four My penis is hanging out Just that fucking giant barn owl Like digging its claws into my head His blood pouring down

I'm like, you guys having a good time at school? They're like, it's July I'm like, cool, cool, cool Nice Nice All right, I'm gonna be out in the garage We'll see you guys at Christmas, I guess Yeah, don't ever fucking come out there

If you ever fucking dare Just remind them, don't ever come out there Do not come in the fucking garage Do not come in the... And the house is The house is like this big And the garage is like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The seven-story building It's just a giant oversized With like a big door That defies physics That it works And the house is very tiny A huge crank opening You can't, you can't just

To open the whole thing Yeah That'll be all, that's the life, dude That's the life you fucking dumb bitches could have had But not now Somebody else gets Right, they come in there And I've just made like a full-sized X-wing

Out of Legos And I'm sitting in the cockpit And I'm like, what did I say about coming into my study? I'm reading, I'm doing... You fucking assholes Fucking piece of shit God, I hate you I'm trying to learn for the family

I hate my children I hate them so much Your fucking wife's boyfriend Just lives in the home with them What's up, Eric? Yeah Oh, what's up? How you doing? Ricky?

No, I told you, listen I told you any questions about Going to school Or getting food You ask Eric You ask Ricky Or I'm sorry, Ricky His name's Eric, yes

But Ricky is short for Eric And that's the term of endearment I have with him Yes Because he's looking out for you guys While I do the hard work While I provide for this family And never I, Ricky You think you can just sit here

At my kitchen table and drink my juice? It's like I brought this with me I do all the shopping I brought all this with me The only reason you're still here Is because it's technically your land It literally says Jamba Juice on it It's a cup that I clearly came in with

There's no way it's yours You don't have your own Jamba Juice Alright, Ricky, we'll sell this When the kids aren't watching Well, yeah We're going to handle this like men I'm still like completely naked Alright

And then your watch beeps It's like alright, that's the time The court says I legally have to spend With you per week And I'll see you guys later A big infection on my chest Where I tried to give myself my own tattoo It says king of the ring

Never wrestled, never boxed I've never been in a ring in your life You keep referring to yourself As the king of the ring? No, I never do This was one time idea I had It's just bleeding It's filled with pus and it's backwards

Yeah, you just did it looking down They're like, do you need to go to the hospital? I'm like, do you need to go to the hospital? Shut the fuck up Shut up, Ricky I'm just wearing my ham I think I'm going to get my own ham fridge In the garage, actually

Going forward Don't you have a garage fridge? No I turned it on its side And I started using it as a canoe Any more fucking stupid questions? Any more dumbass butts From the peanut gallery?

Your son just never looked up For this fucking iPad the whole time Just sighing and being like What you playing on there, Mickey Mouse? Okay, I'll see you guys later What you got? Mickey Mouse on there, huh? Sweetie?

Alright, daddy loves you I'm going to be in the garage Don't come in Do not come in the garage That's a good life, dude I could see that for you, man That would rock Eventually they come out there

And I've been dead for a week and a half And one of my legs is jammed in the springs Of a trampoline And I'm wearing like a unitary I tried to teach myself Olympic gymnastics Just snap my neck Hell yeah, dude

That'll be beautiful You've left very, very clear directions You want to be shot into space You don't want a space funeral, dude I want my body fed To a family of hungry Africans They're like, yeah It's like, in his will, he's very clear

He wants this very racist wish But we're not I want to feel good about myself So I want to be eaten by Starving Africans Because I'm doing something to change the world Unlike you, Ricky Unlike you

Unlike my dumb ass kids It's my daughter's like a neurosurgeon Oh, brain surgery Real cool Yeah, that's real nice of you To cut people's brains in half That's fucked up Some of us fill their brains with slurs

With knowledge Welcome to my book class Some of us make them imagine a turtle Saying anti-Asian slurs That's what paid for your way through medical I got a scholarship Well, it would have if you didn't Listen, the $25,000

I walked into this marriage with Went a long way The money that didn't dry up The lawsuit, yeah, it's not about It's not from your career, it's like the lawsuit You won from the tattoo company Oh yeah, when you were a baby, who bought your diaper? You know, who bought your diaper?

Who got the, put the milk in the bottle That one time We were breastfed Who put the milk in there? Who squeezed your mother's tits against her will? Who nutted in your mom to make the hormones To Make your dinner

You think breast milk gets made without Common a woman's pussy? You gotta keep nuttin' in her It's fucking physics Matter can be nor created and They're fucking destroyed You idiot By the way, I put chimes on all the doors

Of the Manfred and Son team song when I walk in From now on, I want that vibe And you should treat me As if I'm one of the characters on the show Hey Ricky, no, not him No, Ricky does not Get a hello in that manner Everybody, if it's anyone but me

I couldn't figure out a way to make the chime Person specific So if Ricky walks his dumb ass in here And the song plays It's ear muffs for you You're not listening to it And he doesn't get the In fact, this motherfucker, Ricky, you're climbing in

From the window from now on Just to be safe I'm not doing that Alright, suit yourself Suit yourself I can see you making that noise in your mouth Yeah, it doesn't matter, I have guns You know what it denotes though

Yeah, I could get a gun right now I could go to Cabela's and get a gun In a heartbeat I could have a rifle in here Point it at your fucking face The second I so, I so esteemly wish In my gentlemanly nature

To battle you with Pistols Rifles, shotguns Tactical Tactical gear I might buy some peanut brittle that they also have At Cabela's And I'll have some of that

Hey, have you guys seen my ziplock bag With some glue in it There was a bag out there with some super glue In it that I was using No, I needed it There was that bag I had It was like a gallon sized bag Filled with opened markers and super glue

Super glue Well, no, it isn't You put the markers down There was my arts and crafts bag That I need To make a birthday card For my friend from online From my roommate, what was the guy's name

That we're roommates with now? From one of our roommates Hey kids, Uncle Stop All your children love, the garage The house we share with our Patreon listeners The four guys left It's just the fucking landlord

From the Big Lebowski That was a really great episode Hey Ricky Hey Stop, what's up dude Oh, hey Todd Ricky, don't talk to our fans Oh actually Nick, we were over here to ask Ricky for money again

For your rent because you haven't paid for six years Well, well, well I guess I'm just an asshole I guess that's the story of the day folks Breaking news, Nick is an asshole Let's all get mad at him now Let's all take a break from what we're doing

To get mad at him Because it's so important That we put everything aside To get mad at the one guy That's doing anything around here To make things better The homemade basketball hoop I put up in the living room

The fucking You know, who tried to fix The furnace Who tried to do that I tried for at least a half hour I tried to figure it out And now we have a barbecue down there Pretty cool

But I guess we don't like fucking ribs I guess you guys didn't like My idea of turning the entire house Into Texas I thought we were going to have Texas Week And then your fat cow of the sister Was going to be

Miss livestock I'm just We're going to put little blue ribbons on that fucking Would you say that about your daughter Because she's not here dumb ass What's she going to do Find out about it She's probably at lunch

What were we talking about Well, it's time to podcast I'll see you guys soon And at that point there's like a 45 minute intro song Just clips of things we've said in the past From 20 years ago You're a bug dude

It's all the hits Dad Can I have that regular backpack The stop bot Who remembers 2014 Now that was a good time That was a fucking year dude

That was a good era brother Before we had this dumb Chinese president That's so true It was funny like When they were like TV shows They had a black president

For a while black president was the thing In the disaster movie And then after black president They went Chinese woman president And I was like damn y'all stepping on the gas But none of them It would be funny if there was a movie in like 1996 where they were like

There's a comet coming To destroy the earth And it's like some pink haired trans president Luckily I have mental illness So I can just delude myself Into thinking we're not gonna die But the rest of you are fucked

This has been the president speaking Fuck dude I would like to see that Why not dude Get a trans president in there Maybe with big Presidential titties When you became president you were trans

Would you get to have even better Would you get a better setup Would you get more bigger titties Or better surgery or something like that Would they give you an upgraded new Presidential pussy? The reality is to be a trans person That becomes president you'd already have to be

The kind of person that has so much money That you'd have the purpose True it would have to be jazz It would have to be jazz or Caitlyn Jenner Caitlyn's not looking that good It would be funny if it was jazz's Mexican friend That character is so goddamn funny

When all those girls are sitting around the table And then one of them is just like You know it looks like the Coca-Cola polar bear We're fucking miscrabopples Hair cut in like one earring Yeah That is tough to be the poor

Class issues when you're trans This is a whole another ball of good work Yeah they get worse Depending on what you're fucking Oh remember I forgot about this Missing you booty but it's missing you pussy I found you Missing you pussy

Get it together Let me suck your new pussy Let me suck your pussy I found you miss nobody Get it together And bring it back to me Bring it back to me These hearts ain't lying

Put it, what is it with the line Put it something on it What it though What that fucking song is so dumb Missing you booty I forget the lyrics I also feel like it wasn't in an era where The ass technology was there

The last ten years have been huge For fake asses Fake asses look pretty good now but back then I found you miss nobody Remix Fuck dude I'm scared I'm getting sick I got that 8 red money

That was the best He's not even trying I remember the time I was like Even then I'm like damn Is this too racist 2004 7 I don't know man

It feels like it was earlier than that Maybe I got that 8 red money Maybe it was 2007 Buster Rhymes baby He rocks Very homophobic to this day That's not why he rocks to be clear I don't know

You think he's Leon Rhymes brother? I think he is Damn his face He's getting kind of chubbed up dude Yeah me too I think I might become way fish Was that your new thing?

Wow release 2009 Wow that's late Really? Yes dude That's weird because I remember Maybe you're thinking of Punjabi MC No because it's like I was living in Texas at the time

I feel like I remember that Coming out way earlier than that I don't know what to tell you bro Um Fuck I got that 8 red money Sucking on a dick Because I'm fucking gay

Did you see some Saudi hacked Jeff Bezos shit? Good I think that's how we got the cockpicks Shots out to the Saudis dude I didn't see any of that Yeah I think they're on a WeChat or some shit Or a fucking Is he just sending his penis to the Washington Post?

I don't know They put some malware on his shit And they could take out Pictures that are meant to embarrass him The Saudis are smart What if I was Woodheart in Bernstein That's good Here's my penis

Yeah you know The committee to relock the presidents Never seen pictures of my penis Wish I could do a Robert Redford impression Yeah I was going to say how does Robert Redford What's even a fake one I don't know Have you seen his penis?

Because he's from that era in Hollywood Where everyone had that weird accent Talking kind of like this Yeah you know how people used to talk When men were men But they were still gay But they were still homophobic That's more of a newsy

Yeah But that weird old time Hollywood The one word that really sticks in my head Is the way they used to say children Children Yeah Children I like to watch pornography starring children

Have you ever watched any of Children pornography? Mr. Marcus I ask you Have you ever watched any children pornography? It's quite good actually You wouldn't think it Yeah pray tell me Have you ever watched any children pornography?

Have you seen any videos of children Having sex with each other Marcus Tell the children to come in here I've got the photographic equipment out And we're going to make some pornography up there Like a transatlantic Yeah

Yeah I guess I never consider Bobby Redford Bobby Redcock He just sounds normal Yeah That's a man that probably got some good pussy In his era dude Very much so

I'm a child pornographer Michael Douglas Hi Do you think people were busting inside You just had to get Risky abortions Back back in the day Bobby Redford's a young man

They were also all having gay sex with each other Yeah but they were also fucking women That was crazy too It was just like James Dean was like we should all fuck each other And then everyone was like okay I mean you wearing a leather jacket So that's smart James Dean was probably gay but he had to become cool

He's just sucking like Marlon Brando's cock And Marlon Brando's like why are you doing this What are you doing this for What is his fault He's like I'm just a rebel without a cause I have no reason to do it Damn dude Nihilistically homosexual James Dean

He rode off on a motorcycle But on the seat it had a dildo That he was sitting on You ever think of that That would be cool Kind of like the bike from South Park That Stan's dad had If he puts it his ass

I'm trying to think of other things to say ever What about Something to say I wanted to be with you alone Well we did the Ninja Turtles And we suck onto a penis Yes

But traditions I can trace Against the child in your face My penis is small And makes my dick real hard Do we have any ads this week? You keep my penis Hard with your system of touch And channel persuasion

You persuaded me To look at your penis Now I'm hard You fuck me in my ass And now my penis is hard What song is that originally? Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears Tears for Fears

The only song I know That part rocks That part goes off Their other song is the sad song That's from Donnie Darko I think both of those are in there Head Over Heels is in that movie And then

Hail Shelter Or Mad World All around me are much bigger Penises Harder as penises Tiny penis Tiny penis Everybody tells me that I have

A tiny penis Everybody Life said my tiny penis Happy birthday All I wanted was a It was more cock It was more cock But the doctor said

They can't do it Well then what the fuck Is this trans person Packing 9 And I wanna take my gun out And I won't Put it in my mouth If I kill this trans person

Could I have the fucking gun If I kill this trans person Could I have the fucking gun Fuck, just the lead singer Of Tears for Fears Forcing a surgeon at gunpoint To cut off a trans person's gun It's the perfect crime

Mr. Bond Doesn't really seem Like a matter for my six Seems like more like The regional police officer Should be handling this And not a British intelligence service It's the perfect crime

Mr. Bond You see all it takes is a gun A gun and a hung trans person In the world's greatest surgeon Who I've kidnapped And I will not give the antidote To the poison Inserted into the wrass

The poison inserted into the wrass The antidote is injected Into the tip of the penis Of the trans person I have kidnapped And they have to Put the penis on me And then I'll get hard and fuck them in the ass As a test to make sure the penis works

To make sure the penis works So the only way they could live Is if they do the surgery correct That's actually That's brilliant If I'm being quite honest Of all the villains I've met That's actually the tightest plan

That one makes the most sense And there's not Very many holes in it But again this has nothing To do with me And I don't care Get a new penis Hey, go fucking nuts

Just don't sell state secrets To the Russians That's all I care about I murdered seven people On the way in To tell you the plan I don't care about some fucking doctor I was just trying to brag

Because I just thought it would be cool If you knew I had a big penis Well, that's great But I'm James Bond I've fucked nine million people I could have no dick at this point And it wouldn't matter It doesn't matter to me

I'm over getting pussy I've gotten way too much pussy If I had zero effect In fact, maybe I'll fuck the hole Left when you cut the trans person's penis The only thing for me left to do Is Fucking help the English government

Destroy the world Fuck dude Shout out to Sean Connery He was wearing a wig during being Bond Oh yeah I'm going wigs dude It's crazy because it used to be Fucking in the middle of the last century

Guys that have made Because there was this shit that sucks First of all, we're not even touching the dick size thing Women aren't allowed to talk about it You're not allowed to come You're not allowed to come You don't get to know that there's a difference And then if you were bald

They're like, yeah, you had to put a fucking wig on And that's normal If anybody makes fun of you, we can kill them And then in the 80s He's wearing a piece And it's like, yeah, he's fucking bald You make fun of somebody in a wheelchair And then there was a weird window

Where there were people You were like, look at this guy He's in a fucking wheelchair And it's like maybe Get that out of your system Get it out of your system But then we're bringing the wigs If you get wheelchairs, we get wigs

It's as simple as that I love all the things they ding Donald Trump for These like pathetic liberal dudes That have to be like, yeah, get them girls And like all of those same things Are true about them They're like, yeah, nice shitty hair And small dicks and you're fat

You're not good at fucking You're not good at fucking You're so right ladies Can I have... Can I smell the pussy? Can I just smell the piece of it? If I agree, can I just look at a pussy? Can you put a stamp

On your pussy and then seal a letter And then just mail it really far away And I'll go there and get the letter And then smell the stamp Is that okay? Is that okay? I would just need Your affirmative consent Just please sign all of this paperwork

That I had printed out I paid a girl lawyer $80 million To draft these consent contracts So that I could smell your pussy stamps If I could please Because if you notice I have liked and retweeted all of your Disses

All of your good And then I put a gift of a black woman Knottin' under it also Yeah, of Lizzo being fat Because she's so beautiful And can I please Just blow a kiss at your titty Can I please just blow a single kiss

At one of your beautiful boobs Get lost worm pig You fuckin' loser I don't owe you anything I didn't know, madam, I wasn't saying You owe me anything I know, I'm that much of a loser I feel like I respect you so much

I would just love it if maybe You could describe One of your pubes to me Or maybe have a guy That you fuck describe it That's okay too You could jot down a note on a post-it note And then I could read the description

And masturbate to it And I could quietly Masturbate to the description Of one of your pubic hairs My liege Fuck dude Yeah I just know that there's even bigger fucking losers

Right there Which is insane because I feel Like such a fucking pathetic piece of shit You know Like you don't, like who feels good You know what I mean Just like if you're hot and stupid Yeah

You know That's why I'm gonna take my beautiful brain Right, I'm like processing a breakup By sitting in the bathroom watching fucking Civil War canon videos Trying to shit Because I haven't been able to eat anything but chips Ooh, what kinds

Whatever, you know, tortilla The plain tortilla with no sauce Is a depressed move I do that all the time Like no dipping sauce They're not Doritos Yeah, salsa, cheese Any kind of accoutrement

To be eating a naked Tortilla, that's a depressed person right there Yeah, I do that a lot A lot of that I see about making my own fried pickles Okay, fuck My stomach's killing me, dude Damn, I'm sorry

If that motherfucker got me sick before tour, I'm about to fuck his ass I'm gay And I get people sick I'm Barack Obama I have the stomach flu Speaking of Barack Obama, have you watched any of American Factory on Netflix? No, what is that? It's wild, I don't know, I think it's one of the things Obama produced

Oh really? In the factory in Ohio, they got bought by a Chinese company Oh shit And so they brought in all the supervisors from China And there's Chinese people running the factory And then it's just like poor people from Ohio working there Damn They took out their break, they got rid of their break room

And turned it into another production office A place to play ping-pong for the bosses No, they turned it into more production area And then put up all these TVs that just have like Chinese propaganda playing And then fucking, yeah There's like clips of the Chinese Managers

Training their supervisors Americans are like Americans In their culture They're rewarded for just participating A lot of children So they're very overconfident But they're very stupid and weak

And they don't work well Unless you compliment them Even for doing basic stuff The donkey likes to be touched In the direction of its hair You see what I'm saying You always pet a donkey In the direction of its hair

So we have to coax them and work with them Because we're better than them Incredible dude The takeover is happening Well, but it's like I don't know It's funny because it's an intersection of all this shit That's like

I don't know I don't want to get into point-making territory But yeah It's just wild It's crazy to watch Why don't you Make my dick hard Why don't you make the point of my dick hard

Yeah You fucking knowing facts-ass bitch About the Chinese Talking dirty and you're like My dick is so pointy right now Bitch, come on I'm pointing Damn, it's like my dick knows there's a dead duck

100 yards ahead It's in your pussy There's a dead duck in your pussy I wish my dick had ears Like big bassed out ears on the head That perk up when you're hard No, like big floppy bassed out ears on the head That'd be cool

Here's what I want, your dick gets hard But your balls perk up like big floppy ears Like a dog's heard somewhere I wish my balls were at the tip of my dick Like a big chin And you stuff those in the pussy or what? Yeah, sure Well, the pussy's got it

Once you get to the back There's a pit There's a ball pit And then it seizes up And then it rips your balls off And you only fuck once And then the balls are eggs And those get turned into people

You just bleed out while playing Playstation in some bitch's living room And then people come over And they're like, ooh, somebody got lucky And there's just a dead body So a giant pool of blood Coming from the crotch And they're pregnant

They're pregnant with twins One for each nut And just women are going around doing that all day long Damn I got the balls scooped out So I could fuck again And now I've killed a thousand people Yeah, you're right, dude

That would be tight We would just die So you wouldn't even... There would be no way to jack off? No, you could beat off You wouldn't rip your own balls off Would you come from the front of your balls? Yeah, it's the same thing

Oh, okay, it's the same thing Interesting So girls could suck your dick Like they eat corncob In Africa, they would surgically remove your balls at birth So that you can fuck as much as you want And you never die I love that

But you can never have children I would make that trade off And meet so quickly Yeah, well, they would do it to babies And then I don't know where they would get new African people I guess the tanning salon What? No I think

If you cut the ball in this scenario If you cut someone's balls off, baby balls Yeah Or no, you'd have to cut them off when they mature That way you cut them off of puberty And then you feed those 13-year-old nuts Into a pussy It's sort of like in vitro fertilization

Yeah Or how about this If you didn't want to die and you wanted to have kids You could beat off into synthetic nut sacks And fill them with cum And put those in the pussy I just wouldn't be able to fly And would the balls help with that?

No, I was just thinking about different ways to modify My body The fly would be cool But you'd have to wear like a suit Because you'd never think about the wind The fucking factor What do you mean? How cold it is? If you're flying, it's cold as shit

And you're going at high speeds, maybe it rips your skin off Oh, yeah No one thinks about that when it comes to flying It rips your skin off I was thinking more like a neo thing Where I just sort of bend space around me I was thinking, yeah, I see You can move around wherever you like

Yeah They got Matrix 4 coming out, dude Do they? Yeah But Agent Smith isn't coming back, dude Yeah, me, me, me You know why I don't like it here Morpheus? That's the line from the classic line from the movie

Because it smells bad Mm-hmm Because you people smell bad Yeah, that's a weird thing Morpheus like what? Being racist I hate it here It smells like lotion

Do you really think that's air you're breathing right now? What? I said, do you think, no, I heard you I'm confused Did they say that? Is it not air? Yeah, that's when that dojo scene Where he's like, stop trying to hit me and hit me

He's like, you really think that's air you're breathing You remember that? Not really It's not air, it's my vaporized comb You have to free your mind But becoming severely mentally ill That's a bad message for anybody that's struggling True

If you're out there, you're struggling You're struggling Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline And pretend to be an Indian person Don't do that As an experiment to see Oh, okay, see if they get fair treatment So it's nice

I'm going to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline And be like, I might have a bad day I think they would just... Immediately put me on the phone with someone who speaks Spanish And I'm like, um... I just have this accent I'm not speaking Spanish I forgot how to speak Spanish

I'm so depressed Because I'm too sad You know, depression is memory loss also And then the other guy is just like Oh, speaking of the Chinese We got a new fucking virus That's more of a Japanese That was Japanese for sure

That's right What? Yeah, that's the type of food, isn't it? Alright, yeah, sure Otagiri Oh, yes Adam's got a new fucking virus That's more of a Japanese

That was Japanese for sure But... Yes Adam's over there eating Japanese breakfast Adam is over there eating Japanese breakfast He's feeling pretty good about himself I could definitely see Adam becoming a guy that goes to Japan a lot Yeah

It's cool The P.U.S.S. one We're sorry, Mr. Freedland We could not find the pussy small enough for you Even here in Japan We do not have a Bebera Pussy The Bebera Pussy is a... Bebera Pussy

One of Japan's oldest traditions is letting a Jewish man fucker the tannist baby and in exchange his friends get to laugh about it back home and

there was one year where we didn't let America do this and that year was 1945 and we learned the lesson there Ever since then Ever since then

we let a Jewish man come because he has to be Jewish because it balances out the Holocaust and that was the secret broker deal at the end of World War II America agrees to take all of Germany's Jews and put them in New York

so now it's their problem but in exchange once a year one of the Jews comes to rip a Japanese baby and Germany their women become fat

that's the punishment they have fat the titties may be very big but they are also very fat they have weird moles on their big fat titties and Italians

turn out to be gay and they want to fuck the mother and the Italians are gay wow Emperor Hirohito why are you telling us all this why are you just spilling the beans Adam talking to a Japanese baby like wow this is pretty cool you're from Kyoto

now I've been there that's really funny you should be an actress you could do it I seriously think you could do it I'm not fucking with you I'm not fucking with you okay

you have a beautiful singing voice wow I think I'm in love hahaha anyways I'll be out in the garage okay thanks see ya alright see ya family what was that little attitude from you Ricky

you put a little stink on it god damn it when can you go has anyone seen my peanut butter puffins I'm trying to have breakfast has anyone seen my peanut butter muffins and my yuhus

yes I'm going to pour individual yuhus into a bowl and eat cereal with them I need my salad mixing bowl 2 gallons of milk and then some brownie mix some brownie mix I'm coming up with cereal out there don't tell anyone about it

I don't want people to know I don't want people to steal my idea to come up with a new cereal oh by the way I'm going to need $12,000 hahaha my plan is it's a good idea

I've made a better version of Captain Crunch it's just cocoa crispies but it's Captain Crunch so I'm going to bring it to them and they're going to buy it they'll be forced to because I spent 3 years working on this

and in my mind that's how things work because if you put the effort forward you're bound to be rewarded for it and you're definitely you shouldn't just be spending what little money you have on therapy hahaha

instead of ingredients hahaha ingredients for your new cereal we'll get this as Captain Crunch but it's sweeter it's sweeter yeah right now the prototype table spoons of sugar

oh no I haven't even looked to see if it's profitable the problem with Captain Crunch is that the uniform that Captain Crunch is wearing isn't accurate it's not what an actual captain would wear so I've hired an artist

they're on retainer $10,000 a week but they're finding an actual navel now the box of cereal is with an actual navel uniform it's a cut out character on the front of the box it's an actual navel uniform that you can touch

and it's made out of dangerous chemicals hahaha it's made out of chemicals that you can only buy in Sweden you can only buy them in Sweden and if you're here you need a large warning that says that they cause carcinogens on the outside of the box but the good news is in the Bolivian market

you're totally fine to do that and it tastes just like real cereal but it's three times more expensive to produce but it's sweeter and it does have a nice uniform and I need $12,000 okay another check

for $12,000 if you'll go away thank you Ricky thank you and I'll be out of your head and I'm gonna get out of here your wife's boyfriend Ricky who bangles your life for some reason hahaha

damn we should all be so lucky man alright well I'm gonna think we should put Bo on it there let me plug my dates guys if you're coming out please come see me next week fucking Milwaukee Appleton, Chicago 31st and the first and then the week after that

Rhode Island the comedy connection 6th, 7th and 8th and then we got hyenas in Texas Valentine's Day weekend we can do the 20th and 21st and then I'm in fucking Phoenix Tucson and London but yeah come see us

let me know how bad your life's going alright bye guys