The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 192 – Phased

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

someone said its a phase problem. dunno what that means or how to fix it

Mr. Pussy. Hola, me llamo Mr. Pussy. Me llamo Pussy Tuttiana. Tuttiana, Mr. Pussy. Tuttiana. Mi... mi es... Fuck. Mi es...

Miss Pussy. Guacamole. Excuse me, Mrs. Guacamole Pussy. I have to look up if we have ads this week. A Google Challendanzio. Google, Mr. Pussy. I have to look at Google Challendanzio. You know what it's cool about this?

Is we can just do this kind of bullshit retard comedy for like 15 years, make millions of dollars, and then be like, now I'm a serious actor. Oh, I can't wait. And now I can be an uncut gem. Dude. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah.

That's... I'm trying to do the Sandman technique, dude. Yeah, I know. Just the 35 movies where it's like, my penis is on fire. My penis is on fire. The penis fire boy. Johnny Fire Penis. Johnny Fire Penis.

God damn it, Johnny. If you want your inheritance, you got to put that fire out. But I like my penis. But I want to have my dick on fire. Oh, yeah. I want my dick to be on fire. Yes.

Let's see. What have you got? Yes. Blue Jew, Mack Welch. Dude, I remember going to see... Martin Luther King Day. That already happens. I know, that's what I'm saying.

But that means we already passed. But not that you... Oh. You're not showing any ideological leaning. Much respected to the good Dr. Martin Luther King. The good doctor. Who is now... From us.

Because... Only because... Again, all this is because of the calendar. Shout out to MLKTruly, a side pussy legend. I have a dream. What if there was a guy with an air horn? That would be good. During the speech.

Yeah. Shut up and jam. Damn. Can you quiet down, please? All right. So today's the 24th. Yes. So Wednesday the 29th is the next episode. That's correct.

That's what this one is. That's what this one is. Okay. That's all I need to know. It's Wednesday the 29th. And in fact, just real quick right now up top, if you're in Milwaukee today, go buy tickets and see me at Turner Hall.

And then in Appleton tomorrow, Chicago this weekend, Providence, Rhode Island, 6th through the 8th, Texas. 13th through the 15th and DC 20th through the 22nd. So that's what today is. I'm in Milwaukee right now as we speak. Yeah, this is recorded in the past, but right now I'm out there getting cheese curds,

getting cheese curds in my fucking ass. And just fucking enjoying a brat. I'm missing the box game because it's on a Tuesday. I also have dates. I'm also in the Midwest. Probably just with guys. Yes, with guys, actually. Oh, that's cool.

With Kyle Scanlon and Dan Dries. Nice. Couple of Chicago boys. Oh yeah, those are good boys right there. Yeah. Shots out to Lincoln Lodge. We're both playing there. We love that fucking place.

Lincoln Lodge is an okay place. Now we're doing Nashville, Milwaukee, Indy, fucking Chicago. Some shit in Michigan. I don't know. Lansing probably. I have no idea, but they set it all up. I'm not even, you know.

Go to penis.org. Look, I'm slash Nick's gay for all of this. I'm just, I'm trying to be on the road. I'll be quite honest with you. You come to the Nashville show. That's the first stop. Maybe you're getting 30 minutes out of it. Most of it's going to be jokes from five years ago.

Salute. But we will be doing crowd work. We will, yes. I do a different style of crowd work than stock. Yes. It's, I do more of a psychological thing. That's right. It's more of like a torture.

Like a psychological, you're like a, what's the guy's interrogator? Right. Exactly. You have, you take people's, you take fucking battery, car batteries. You put them in people's nipples. It's just me asking something and somebody not knowing

how to respond because I have a weird affect. Yes. They don't say anything. I'm like, no. I really want to know where you got that fucking shirt. Tell me. I'm not doing a joke. It's not a joke.

Tell me where the shirt's from. Sometimes it doesn't go anywhere. Yup. Okay. Moving on. Whereas I will be asking you the last time you had sex. When did you have sex? Yeah.

Are you guys fucking? Tell me you guys. Who's guy? How big is your penis? It's crazy that that has been the go-to crowd work for comedians for 40 years. Probably since ancient Greece, honestly. And it still works.

It still works. And honestly? Every time. I like to ask someone. How long have you guys been fucking? And then they look at each other and are like, oh. That, I hate that when they're like, how long have you been together?

And then they'll say something like six years and be like married. And then they'll be like, uh-oh, someone's in trouble. You know what I mean? That's a classic, easy way to get a big one. Yeah, but it's kind of the same thing. No, dude. All crowd works the same thing.

No. That's not, as not being a master of the craft, I understand why you think that, dude. First of all, let's, don't be ridiculous. If we dial back the clock a bit, back to my drinking days. Yeah, sure. I could do 30 minutes. Yeah.

Well, not touch the material. That's the thing, dude. You gotta be back on the sauce, dude. You know what? I'm gonna fucking fall off the wagon, go back on the road. And give me fucking a year. And I will. No, I, yes.

Yeah, I will be, I will be back, back in whatever the word is. Drink, don't work on material, just get good at crowd work. Who gives a shit? Comedy sucks. I'm just trying to have a good time. Hey, amen, brother. Yeah. I mean, that's literally my, my life's motto, dude.

Well, look, if you want somebody that works on bits, go see fucking Hari Kandabulu, complain about, you know. No, I wouldn't say him. Well, I don't know. He works. Do you think he does? On stuff. He comes, he's just complaining.

Does he come up with points? His grievances. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. You're gonna see that. Look, here's the point. The point is, come see us. We'll be doing this beautiful stuff for you.

I'm excited, dude. Sounds like we're hitting some similar spots. You gonna get cheese curds? I don't know if I'm gonna get cheese curds. I'm gonna, I really haven't been eating that much. Yeah. Which is nice. I feel like my pro Anna.

No, but it's easier to fucking think when I'm not like eating that much. Interesting. I guess I get depressed and I get into like eating a shit ton. Yeah. And when I do that, it's harder for me to. So you're transcending, dude. You're on a fucking fast, right? Yeah, it's hard for me to, to, let's see.

What, how do I, does that sound better? I think it sounds fine. Yeah, when I, when I'm. When you're full, you can't think? Yeah. You know, I mean, I guess the blood does go to your stomach and blood is like the juice that your brain, the juice of the brain, the juice of the brain. Yes, absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, it's just, yeah, I can't, I can't fucking, I can't think. You've been doing a lot of philosophy, philosophizing. No, it's just, you know, thinking about like stuff I need to do. I mean, literal thinking. I don't mean like fucking like abstract thoughts. I mean, like what the fuck, you know, do I, am I gonna get it?

Do I, am I gonna put the laundry away? I hate that. I hate having to come up with a plan for the day. Yeah. Am I gonna go do errands? Dude, I had to go to the fucking DMV. It was one of the fucking smallest dick experiences of my life, dude. Yeah.

Did you go to the one in Atlantic Terminal? No, I went to the one in Queens. I was thinking, well, Queens, you fucking, there'll be less people there. But it's like, no, everyone drives there. So I should have gone into the fucking, into the city. Yeah. But I did see, I saw, I had to be there for four hours, by the way, to get a fucking license.

And during it, I saw a fucking, like a Bosnian man who had the life I wanted, dude. Why? Just this beautiful wife with a big nose, but she was still hot. It was the biggest the nose could be, and her to just be straight up gorgeous. And they had a baby that looked exactly like half and half of them. Yeah. And I was just sitting there, dude, in my stained fucking red track suit. Thinking, damn, dude.

My favorite is, I was at the DMV, the black dudes who wear suits to the DMV. Yeah. It's like, you know, it's not cool. You're not on the docket. I mean, you know, the Iran, I would like a new license, please. My name's Eric. You don't have to call me your honor. Yeah, dude.

The last I went, I had to get my license renewed because it was about to expire. Yeah. You don't want that shit to happen because then you got to fuck it. It's a pain in the ass. Yeah. You know, that's what I did. And I was there for, I didn't go with an appointment. And I went to the Atlantic terminal one.

Yeah. And I waited like two and a half hours. Nice. And then all of the numbers went blank. No. And a fucking like an announcement comes on. They're like, there's a whole system down. It's statewide.

There is a statewide. The system is down. We don't know when it's going to work again. Goodbye. They just, they just start playing music. They're dancing in the back. Well, I like fucking everybody who was there was like, well, well, I'm going to kill myself if I leave 100% because there's no way there's no way you can

wait at the DMV. Yeah. And then you get close to getting your number called. And then they tell you there's a statewide statewide. The computers are down from the state. Yeah. And then it took another hour before they came back online. In respect.

And they did. And then it was another like 40 minutes of wait. I mean, is there all day? Yeah. You know, brutal. And they don't let you go back in. No, you can go back in because I left and I like went to the bathroom. I also, I got to the fucking, I got up front and I had like,

I had my birth certificate, my social security card, my passport, my passport card, my old ID, like fucking like a sealed transcript. And they were like, Getting sucked off university. Yeah. And they were like, oh, no, no, no, no. I was like, what the fuck else do you need? Yeah.

What, what could have possibly it have been like a blood sample? I really don't fucking. We need some of your mother's pussy juice and your father's ball's hair. Yeah. No, I had to go into the, I had to go to like the insurance place next door and print out like a fucking a bill from optimum. Hilarious. Because that's that.

That's more proof. Yeah. Yeah. My boy Mark with two C's was very gay and very mad to be working when I got there. Everyone I dealt with was cool. Because I got to the, I finally got up to the thing and I handed the woman everything. She's like, okay, this is all good. There's only one thing you're missing.

And I was like, what, what am I missing? And she's like the form for the renewal. And it's like the one thing that you need, which is, and I was like, okay, well, don't they hand you the stuff when you go out and she's like, yeah, they're supposed to. I'm like, well, nobody did that. Yeah. And then, you know, she calls the supervisor over and the supervisor is like, can't you just give him, here it is.

Yeah. Damn, if they put your ass in the back of that line. Right. Because they know, like if the DMV has to know now with how fucking shitty that process is, if they were like, I'm sorry, you got to leave and come back, like there would have been a mass shoot. 100%. Yeah.

It's shocking to me that there hasn't been one. I know. Well, a lot of that stuff kind of, it's weird because mass shootings now are all like political, you know, it's like, I'm, I'm in other kin and people made fun of me. So now I'm going to do this shooting so everyone knows about my community on the internet. Right. And what's other kin? I like people to think they're dragons.

Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Do they think, do they want to be in the dragon's body? Yeah, they, they, they see themselves as dragons, like the same way that you're like, I'm not a man, I'm a woman, I'm a dragon. Fuck yeah, but dragons aren't real. Some would say that it's very offensive to say that. Some would say that that is.

The dragon has never existed. That is other phobic. Do they have, do now these dragons, do they, are they male dragons or woman dragons? I think the dragons have two genders only. Only two. Oh, so. Okay. It's kind of a blind spot in the dragon.

So I'm being offensive, but there can't be trans dragons. You know what's funny, there are, like they do have like trans identities and that, and it's like, wouldn't you just be the correct dragon? Why would you be a dragon that's born with a wrong gender and then, like a, no, what I, So you swap to dragon and then you swap to a different dragon. But I'm making the wrong choice first on purpose. Yeah. So that the dragon is.

Can have a cool name, cool dragon girl's name, like Esmerelda. It's so great to that a person like that could like say all these things to like their college advisor. And if the college advisor didn't listen to it, they would go to jail. Sorry, sorry, Mark. I don't know what a college advisor is either. I'm not sure. That's what it is.

Yeah. That's what it's called. Yeah. That's cool. Like that's got like Moscow 1970 Olympics vibes that tracks you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. It's my it's a Adidas box with an Olympiacos football club top.

Yeah. My favorite. My favorite Greek soccer team. What was I talking about? Something about dragons having pussies. Yeah. So yeah. So but are the shootings when we were growing up?

It used to be like school. You're your boss. It was. Yeah. It was the original ones where your office shoes dudes. Those gruntled employees. Yeah. Those used to happen all the time with some white collar guy that's like, oh,

I'm not getting my bonus this year. Oh, a black woman. It's going to be my boss now. Yeah. And the original original one was a postal word, right? Going postal is what it's called. Yeah. It used to be.

Yeah. There was some mailman who shot up a bunch of people, right? It would be cool if there was a surfer who's like, I'm going coastal, dude. I'm going coastal, brother. I'm going to go fucking shoot up an elementary school, bruh. Going coastal. Are there any schools right by the beach? So a guy could surf and shoot a gun inside?

Yeah. Noah's Adam went to a surfing elementary school. Yeah, he did. Yeah. He was a surfing elementary school. For child actors. It's so funny that he says that he's like, I was actually a child actor in a model and it's like, did you book anything?

And he's like, no. He doesn't say that. Doesn't he say that his parents made him go to auditions or something? Yeah, they did. But you know, it's like, first of all, he won't. There's no way he didn't want to do that. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

But he said, and he says it like, ironically, you know, like a child actor or whatever, but it's like, well, you weren't. Sure. Even saying it dismissively and ironically, you weren't that. That's right. Yeah. You would have gotten molested if you were. Yeah, I wish he had.

What do you think would happen to Adam if you got molested? I don't know, like fucking pink fingernail paint. You think you'd be one of those? And then smoking like clothes. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. And then like a like a like four locks. And he's always he's always flipping his hair out of his face.

No, I see. If anything, I think he that he is pretty gay already. So he would have gone like no, that would have been Jewish. And he would be like he would be part of like that Brooklyn like art comic scene. You think I see. I think if he got molested, he would have loved Hillary Clinton. Hilarious. Yep.

Probably because my dad loves her and I love my daddy. No, I would think he would go into business and molest children. Because like, you know, he's rebelling now. If he'd gotten molested, maybe it would have set him straight. Made him a lawyer. Yeah. Works in Hollywood. Oh, yeah.

You know what I'm saying? You've reached Adam Friedland entertainment attorney. It's like, Adam, your voice is different. This is how you talk if you get molested as a Jew. It's a molestation. I was molested. Who knows? Maybe he did.

He said he saw his friend's penis or whatever. Yeah. Who are we talking about before that? My body is fucking breaking down, dude. Yeah. I've had a stomach ache for three days and I don't know from what? From doing yoga, maybe? You think that's what it is?

Yeah, it's from being healthy. It's definitely from making the right choices. You think it's from one and a half weeks of living healthy? My body is rebelling. Yeah. And I should do pills, any fucking ice cream? Somebody said that the mic might be a phase problem. Phase.

What does that mean? I don't know. Phase issue in mix. Phase this dick out and into an ass cheek. Phase issue, my penis. I'm going through a phase where I like to see my own penis. I can't wait to see a penis. I guess I want to look at this.

My penis, he's in my jeans. I wanted to put it down. Dude, I started rewatching The Master last night, which I haven't seen since I saw it in theaters, and it's so fucking good. Damn. Yeah. I haven't seen it one time.

I mean, I liked it in theaters, but I don't know, like the second time around, it's just fucking. That's when Joaquin is being all like a weirdo. Yeah, Joaquin, but then also Philip Seymour Hoffman, and he's amazing at it. Yep. And then, yeah, I mean, it's just, it's so good. I haven't been able to enjoy any art recently.

Yeah, I rewatched The Master if you haven't seen it. I mean, it's just like fucking, and like the photography is beautiful. Maybe I didn't see it in theaters. Maybe I saw it on like a laptop or something. Yeah. But like watching it on this motherfucker, it's like, just like every shot, every scene, it's just, yeah. Yeah.

Or maybe I'm, you know, alone. You're alone, and you're just craving any kind of connection to anything. Yes. Yeah. I'm alone in my apartment, watching The Master, watching The Master, being like, wow, this is just looking over. Oh, hey, watch, oh, no big deal, I just love the movie. Just whistling for the cat, that's right, the cat's gone too.

That's okay. Oh, whoopsie, Daisy. That's why you gotta get it. I guess I'll just turn the volume all the way. Let's just get it going real loud in here. What a good movie. This movie rocks. I love this movie.

Yes, movie, movie. Never being alone with my own thoughts. Never being alone with my thoughts. Let's watch another one right after this one's over. Let's watch, let's see, two movies going at the same time. Maybe two movies, Steely Dan, Some Pornography. I'm going to isolate Adam's audio tracks from the last podcast and listen to them now, because I didn't pay attention when he was talking to me.

It'll be like I'm hanging out with a friend. You put on come town? Yeah, I put on come town. I isolate Adam's audio, plug Mike into the board, and I sit here with the headphones on with Adam on playback and me going, uh, no, stupid. Yeah, you would think that. Fucking idiot. Yeah, you've edited it together a hundred times, Adam's been wrong.

And now to watch the master. Ah, fuck. Yeah, dude, that's why you got to get roommates. Because you're never alone, dude. You go out, you see what your boys are up to. I used to have roommates. Yeah, yeah. It's nice.

But I also did a lot of, you know, the best thing did, well, not the best thing, but I miss having like roommates that I just didn't know at all. You know, there's like another, because women are fucking retarded. Women will find three other women on Craigslist and they'll live together and within two weeks or like, I love us. They're going on vacation. They're going on vacation. They're leaving notes on the refrigerator and sleeping in the same bed together.

Like fucking sleepover. And it's like you're 28 years old. What are you fucking doing? That's right. Whereas like you can live, two men can live together and you'll be like, yeah, I think his name's Ronnie. I think, yeah, he works at like fucking. Yeah, I think his fucking dad just died or something.

His dad died or something. And he's like really, his room is a mattress, a fucking like the kind of boombox they sell to Mexican people at Best Buy. And six copies of High Times Magazine and I've only had one conversation with him and he explained to me what the dark carnival was in relation to Insane Clown Possum. And that's it. That's all I know about Ronnie. Yeah, it's probably my best roommate I've ever had.

Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. It's pretty good about making sure that toilet paper, we've reached an equilibrium with who buys toilet paper and when. That's nice. And that's, that's what I think about Ronnie. See, I've always had my boy, I've never lived with a stranger. Really? It's always been, I live with George and my boy Doug after college in a little house

we called Muff Manor. Yeah. Where no one was getting pussy. Where me and George had girlfriends and Doug was getting absolutely no pussy whatsoever. Wait, that was, were we hanging out then? Probably, right when I started, right before I moved back home, that's where I lived. Catonsville, can we go to Catonsville house? No, you came to Charles Village House.

Yes, with George and Josh. I'm trying to remember what the day was because it's, my timelines are all fucked up. It's like I confused that day we went to that awful Indian buffet with the day we went to the Amish market. Two different days. I know there were two different days, but I don't remember when they happened. The Indian buffet was way before. Yeah.

I believe. Yeah. Because I think, did I already live in New York when we went to the Amish market? I lived in New York before you did. I know that, yeah. I don't think you, anyway, whatever. Yeah, it doesn't matter. But I do remember sitting in that Charles Village house watching.

Charles Village house I loved. Watching that Sam Hyde video. Yes. He goes, ooh, I'm a loud type of sister. I'm a loud type of sister. And that was when you showed me the fucking, the guy who's, the Lambrusco wine video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It was, I was like showing you Sam Hyde. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. And then we got some Indian food. That house I loved. I got pussy in that house. Dude, that Indian buffet was so funny because like the buffet open.

I paid for the buffet and then the guy was like, the buffet is not closed. It's like, motherfucker, I paid for it. You can't close. I get one plate and you're like, oh, no more buffet. Oh yeah. Fucking piece of shit. I got half a mind to go back down there and beat that man to death in front of his family. I remember.

I think I remember what your buffet was. Yeah, it was by Johns Hopkins. Yeah, it was in Mount Vernon. Yeah. It was the one all the way in the city motherfuckers would go to all the time. What were we talking about before this? Roommates. Oh, roommates.

Yeah. Yeah, it was like, you ever have like a friend, like one of your boys will have a party and then it's like everyone you know. And then just like the weird roommate, your friend, he's just like standing around drinking. Absolutely. Yeah. And he just like, you know, maybe he'll be in charge of the music for a minute. Absolutely.

Just blowing it. Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, I don't think people want to be listening to Primus at the party, man. Maybe there's something else you could put on. We're not really in the mood for Primus right now. Oh, yeah, dude. My name is bud. Or they start playing like prank calls.

They start playing like the jerky boys. Yeah. Like way too early. It's like, yeah. Maybe at 3 a.m. when all the women have gone, we're just eating pizzas and smoking weed. Those roommates always have just the just the chin goatee too. Oh, yeah. Only the chin, you know.

Absolutely. That look. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, fuck. I love the nice random. That would happen in college because everyone would have like all these weird off-campus houses.

Yeah. And they'd be like, there are these guys who just stayed in Catonsville. Yeah. And they were like 30 years old third parties. Yeah. No, my friend, my friend lived in, in, he went to Towson, but he went to Towson after like like a decade in community. Yeah, hell yeah.

I think he's one of those guys, there's a lot of guys that are like in Maryland that will go to like Frostburg or something or Salisbury. Yeah. Fail out there for a semester. Yes, sir. Get, but get it so fucked up. Get it just really fucked up, like just blow it. End up in community college for seven years.

Yes. And then transfer to like Towson. Towson or UMBC. Yeah. To finally get the, the degree. In sports education. At 29 years old, yeah. At 29 years old.

Yeah. Graduate with a 2.2, 29 years old, trying to be, not somehow getting rejected for a job in Baltimore city as a teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Respect. And my friend was doing that move for a while and he had, the roommates were all cool, but it was just like, you know, all right, you're like bucking up against the limit for how long you can pretend to be 20 years old.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. It's brutal. No more like gnome felt posters. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Every one of your graduating class has children.

Yeah. Yeah, you really are. You're out here like, damn dude. You got to stop wearing tie dye, man. Oh, fuck. We're in tie dye when you're balding. You got to cut it out, man. I know you're enjoying life.

Yeah. But you're supposed to get older. And not just tie dye, tie dye you made. Yeah. You're like, yeah, I'm getting really good at making tie dye. Yeah. You got a pukashel necklace on, man. It's 2015.

It can't happen, brother. You got to, you got to. You got to make moves. Yeah. I wonder what those motherfuckers are doing these days. Enjoying themselves. They're still doing that and they're happy. Yeah.

There was a guy when I started comedy who was one of the, like everyone I knew when I started comedy was like much older. Yeah, of course. They were late 20s, early 30s. But there was a guy that would come around that was clearly one of those like. Respect. Yeah. It was like, you know, just a guy that would like hung out,

hung out and fuck girls and got drunk. Like wearing like visors and stuff. But then he just like kept getting older and it's like, is this ever going to stop for you? You know, like ever have a job or anything? It's not. No, I did not. Absolutely not.

Yeah. We're going to get a couple of girls over to clear the ping pong table off. Let's play beer pong. Dude, a 30 year old man who's like house rules, bro. Yeah. Who's got like a list of rules for beer pong. Who plays it is bad enough. But it was like elbows.

Yeah. Yeah. They're gay unlike me. Yeah, fuck. Maybe that's the secret, dude. Move back to Baltimore. Have a party house. That sounds awful.

I know I'm done. I'm done getting fucked up. I'm going to maybe maybe I should get a wife. Maybe I should get married. If you're listening and you want to be my wife, maybe have some property, maybe a little farmhouse we can settle down into, and you're, you know, you can get some dick on the side. I can get some pussy on the side.

But more important, that's only for special occasions. More importantly, we're going to have beautiful fat children and we're going to feed them. Yeah. A traditional Greek diet, Mediterranean diet. Yeah. Fuck dude. Life is fucking gay. Yeah.

I'm excited to go on the road, but my body's abandoned me. I thought I was going to be strong by now. Yeah. I did two weeks of yoga and it's no good. I'm done. I'm trying to, I'm trying. I just want to have my body removed. Yes.

You know, of course. Replaced with be a super computer. Why is it? It's still sound. I can't get rid of it. Don't worry about the sound. I am worried about it. That's worse.

I know it's worse. Now it's buzzing like a bitch. I want to be buzzed. Now you sound horrible. Now I sound cool. Then actually you sound kind of tight. I sound tight. You know what I'm saying, man?

We doing tight ass sounds. We doing it live. Damn, can I get some of that? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. Here, there you go. Hold on. Let me see.

Do I sound cool now too? Yeah. Damn, I sound like meatloaf, meatwad. I sound like meatwad. I'm meatwad also. Now you're listening to the meatwad podcast. You're listening to two meatwads having sex. You're listening to two meatwads trying to bust a nest.

Trying to get, I trying to get. You know what I tell you what, frylock. What's that, meatwad? I'm also a frylock, but I'm meatwad. You know what, they got a damn equipment, a spare amount of equipment that's down to frylock and the meatwad also. If I say the N word is meatwad, is that still racist?

No, because you frylock and he's black. Oh, that's true. You know he's black because he work in McDonald's. Because I don't know if that's necessarily true. You know what, it doesn't matter. Either frylock is black or he's Jewish. Because frylock be a Jewish name. I don't think frylock can be Jewish.

I don't think you're rounding it with something. It's kind of a derogatory term for Jews. He kind of got that Avery Brooks vibe about him, but he also work in McDonald's. And you know who be working in McDonald's? I tell you, who can't be saying the N word is Master Shake because he's a white supremacist. Damn, that's fucking true.

It's true. That's fucking true as fuck. It's true, dude. Damn. Okay. I got some dulcet tones going on. Okay. Does anyone want to?

Does anybody want to see my penis? Hello and welcome to the Giving Me Your Pussy Show. Give Me Your Pussy Show. I would like a piece of it. Oh, oh, oh, it's the Give Me Your Pussy Show. Sibyl, give me your motherfucking pussy. Let me see that motherfucking pussy. Sibyl, bring your motherfucking pussy over here

and let me suck on it. Damn. Yeah. Tom's join a morning show going out of business. RIP. Yeah. How about that? Should we have our morning radio show, man?

Doing what? I would love to, honestly, dude. If this was, if we had a daily schedule where we were in, in the studio. Yeah. Fucking 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. And then that's it. You know, we just check out.

That'd be great. 7 a.m. I would about 8.30 to 9.12. So barely a show. I think you have to realize how long morning radio got. No, I don't. I respect that. That's so much fucking work.

Yeah. That's like Jim and Sam. I mean, they make a shit ton of money, but it's like they're just on air all the time. Yeah. You know, we do two hours of show a week. And I'm like barely bringing across. I'm like, I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired, dude. No, dude, but what if we had producers? What if we had blue shoe? We had porn stars. What if we had blue shoe dot com? And what if we had blue shoe dot com? Which we do. Which we do.

You do also. You do too. You do too. God damn. Oh my god. I can't wait to take a blue shoe to have to fuck my wife so she doesn't call the police on me for doing gay. I've got.

It's in the constitution of Iran. It's a new website that is not blocked by the government of Iran. It is blue shoe dot com. And as you know, if your penis does not become hard, it is because you have been cursed by Satan with homosexuality, which I did not have.

But because I have the blue shoe. Because I have blue shoe, which lets me fuck my wife. And maybe my penis is still hot after. So my friend Mirsham comes over to suck it a bit more. And I also am sucking a lot of my son. Because I didn't want to be rude. Because I am a good host. Because we are good friends and we hold hands

and I suck his penis. That's right. If you're a gay or a closeted homosexual Iranian man. If you like to have gay sex, you'll like blue shoe dot com. Well, we're straight sex for that matter. If you like to have secret, if you like to have straight sex with your wife, but also sometimes Mirsham comes over while she is gone

and you have to fix the kitchen. And so you have to take your shirt off to not get sweaty in your shirt. And then you hold each other to make sure the pipes. The pipes are working inside. The pipes are working correctly in the kitchen. Because you have to be steady and you need to be head. He has to make sure that you stay straight.

So he puts his penis in the harass. Why do you hold the pipes? You're like blue shoe dot com. Blue shoe offers men their performance enhancement for the bedroom. Wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds? I'm talking one, two rounds. Two rounds, dude. I don't understand that.

What's the premise here that like, you want to keep fucking after you bust with your dick doesn't work? Yeah. No. Once I bust. The the bitch. Cyanora sister. Exactly.

Listen, maybe I get a good night's rest. Okay, we'll fucking the morning. Or how about this? Sometimes because my foreskin is fucked up and blue shoe makes my dick so hard. And sometimes if the pussy is very tight, it'll hurt. So I do technically go rounds because I don't bust because I fucked till my foreskin hurts.

And then I'm like, can I get a little breather? Yeah. So in that sense, yes. I have gone rounds. Yeah. But if I bust. And that's going to be it for me. That's the end of the show.

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You slipped? I slipped and this shit went out of my and into my pussy. So we're not bleeping pussy, huh? No, that was okay. Okay, but ass. According to standards and practices. Yeah, standards and practices said that's fine.

You're watching the pussy sister. The shit pussy sister? The d pussy sister. The shit pussy sister. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I think that's right.

Sister, sister. One of them's smart and the other one's got a pussy. Sister, sister, sister. Never knew how much it was in a pussy. Never knew how much it was in a pussy. Something's done. Duh, duh, duh. And sister's gotten in a pussy.

Pussy. One of them has a gay father. The other one's mother is Jacky. Yeah, she's just dumb as shit. I would, I would fuck Jacky. Yeah, but the premise was the smart one's got a dumb ass mom and the dumb one's got a rich smart dad. A hot gay dad.

Yeah, rich smart dad. That's true. Yeah, who's dad on that show fucking Barack Obama? Is that who he plays? Yep. Is that who that's supposed to be? That's Obama. Is that who that's gonna be?

Is it gonna be Barack Obama? That's true. Have you seen this fucking Steve Carell movie coming out? Dude, that looks like the biggest piece of dog shit. Yeah. First of all. What's the audience for that? I really don't know.

Some like people that don't exist anymore. Yeah. Literally like, I guess Warren support, Buttigieg supporters. Yeah. Is that who? People that, yeah, people that are like, I'm a leftist and Warren is the good candidate. That's who is the fucking.

That's who's watching the movie. That's who's watching the fucking Steve Carell. It's gonna be great when Bernie Sanders wins and becomes president. It will be great. And then I guess the nomination beats Trump. I was kidding. We're giving everything to Israel.

I was like, I just want to make it clear that a woman could never have done this. Just women online. This was only possible because of the men and hot bitches that volunteered on this campaign. No fat bitches. Did he ruin her? Hillary was supposed to hers.

It belongs to her. She's supposed to have it. Shut up, bitch. Shut the fuck up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. Sorry, guys. I meant to do the guitar riff, but I don't know the buttons as well as Nick.

Shut up, bitch. Bernie 2020, no fat bitches allowed. Dude, I would love it. I would honestly love it. The best thing that could happen, honestly, the best outcome, Bernie wins, you know, whatever. However long you need Bernie to get fucking healthcare.

Yes. And then immediately after that, black woman Republican president. I would like that. And it's like, hopefully she doesn't fuck up, you know, that stuff. But you got a black woman president, which is a huge milestone that makes it,

now there's no longer any necessity for there to be a white woman president. Yes. Never. And we never get one. Never have one. That would be awesome. It just never happens.

Then it's AOC gets it. You can't ever make an argument that there needs to be a white woman president. If you already skipped that and you go black woman president, you can never, because then you're just saying there needs to be a white president.

Yes, dude. Genius. Yeah. Dude, the chess master. She doesn't even really have to be Republican. It's just, it would be funny. It would be funny if the Democrats never managed to do it.

Yes. And there was just a black woman the Republicans like that's like, you know. Yeah. I just don't think, I love oil. Yeah. It's black.

It's beautiful. Beautiful black oil. Shouldn't be. I call it sister oil, you know, not big, not big energy. Yes. Enron is my sister. Beephole or Exxon.

BP is, yeah, sister Exxon. Yes, sister Exxon. Exxon. Yeah, it's renamed Exxonia. Exxonia, yeah. That would be so good, dude. Yep. Then we get, then we get AOC.

Then we get back to the back to the fellas. Back to the white boys. We switch off every four years, never having it be a white woman. Yeah. No, that would be, that's the dream. Is that you have every type of, and white women continue to run on the like,

it's time for, you know, like say it. What is it time for? Yeah, what is it white lady? What's the time for? I don't get it. A woman. Well, all kinds of women. There's all every type of woman should get a chance.

Not just that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I got a little worked up. And we drive them insane because they wouldn't be able to say anything. I know, but they would, they'd be thinking it. They'd be thinking it every day of their fucking lives. We're happy for her.

It makes me so happy to see a woman. I just love. Yeah. When girl because little girls will be able to. Yeah, I will gladly support any black woman that runs on the fuck white women. Any fight she would be. Yeah.

You want to rally support? From all, from everyone. WOC running on the fuck white women ticket. I'm behind you. One million percent. Yes, queen. Literally. Yes, queen.

Yes. You get a bunch of fucking rednecks who are like, yeah, fuck my wife. My wife doesn't give me head anymore. She's a bitch. She's a pig bitch. We're with you, sister. We love you.

It's just whoopee. Yeah. Damn, dude. Damn. Everyone's mad at Bernie for being like Rogan, being excited. Rogan fucking setting my vote for him. And I just want to say,

I will officially now I will also officially endorse Bernie Sanders. Yeah, I love that, dude. Because of all this all this dumb shit that like people make up as to be issues on Twitter. Yeah. Do not exist outside of their website. No, not at all. But the Joe Rogan Bernie Sanders endorsement

might be the one that's like takes the cake. It's unbelievable. Any way you look at it, it's good. Well, not only do you look at it, it's good. It's like there's no way anyone outside of Twitter could possibly fucking care. It's not like they're going to be on CNN saying like, is it bad that Joe Rogan endorsed Bernie Sanders? But they have a body language expert.

But nobody's going to fucking give a shit about Joe Rogan endorsing Bernie Sanders. Well, because if they do, if traditional media makes it a story, then they basically are admitting this guy is bigger than us. Exactly. So they will never cover it. Yeah. And it is very nice too that like all of these people that were, you know, like, I guess we'll call them anti-style comedians,

bitching about Joe Rogan or whatever, but how he gives a platform to Nazis. By endorsing Bernie Sanders, he's effectively done more good for progressivism than you ever will in your entire fucking career as a fucking speak-em-up shithead ever. Of absolutely. Ever.

Yeah. So he's now, he is now more of a fucking net positive than you ever will be. For sure. For sure. Shots out the fear factor. And very much similar to the fucking, you know, no white lady president thing. It's like, I love it.

I love that it just drives them insane. Yeah. And they have to know that. Shots out to Rogano. Yeah. Joey Rogues. Joey Rogiano. Joey Rogues.

Yeah, that's what you guys don't know. He's Italian, right? He's Italian. Yeah. He's from Pizon. Isn't he though? No. He said that his cousin is the guy from My Chemical Romance.

What the fuck is this? Gerard Way. What does that mean, though? That guy's not Italian. Yeah, but I mean, it's his cousin. Well. You couldn't have a cousin and not like, you know. You share some DNA with him.

You share some DNA, but let's say you're fucking black, right? Yeah. So you got your mom is black and your mom's got a brother that's black. And that guy marries a fucking Italian bitch. And then that kid is like fucking. Yeah. Italian. My point exactly.

No. They're Italian. Exactly my point. No, no. You're black and the kid's Italian. The kid's half he's black and Italian. Well, Italians are already half black. That's true.

So that is true. So he's three quarters black. That just makes him a more Italian. Oh, interesting. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't make him more black. You think you would think it would, but it doesn't. Yeah.

It just makes it brings out the Italianess and the Italianality. Italianality. Do Italians think they're not white? They don't, right? A couple of people. I don't have some people been like, well, look, Nancy Pelosi is a fucking WOC because she's fucking Italian. Nancy.

Didn't they say that? Nancy pillowcheeks. Nancy buttcheeks. Not Nancy buttcheeks. I fucking hope Trump starts calling her Mary P. Mary P. Buttcheeks. Buttcheeks. You got little, little Peaty buttcheeks over here.

And I'm not. What's he doing with his buttcheeks? I'm not going to say. We're not going to say it, but little Peaty buttcheeks. You know how he got that name, right? In the army, they called him that because that's where he hit all the WMDs. I'm tired. This is what I heard.

This is just what I heard. Go around the rack and he would shove canisters of sarin gas up his ass. And he sucked them all up in there. And when the inspectors came by, they said, where are the WMDs? Where are they? We haven't seen any of them. All these beautiful weapons we keep hearing about. And they were all shoved up Peaty buttcheeks his ass.

Oh, fuck. Fuck Pete buttcheeks, man. Pete buttcheeks, dude. I love that he had a please clap moment, too. He did, dude. That was awesome. He's like, come on. Come on.

Yeah. Fuck off, you little fucking nerd. Yeah. I'm about to fight Pete buttcheeks, dude. Pete buttcheeks. Square up Pete buttcheeks. I don't care if you're in the army, dude. It's crazy.

It's like he is, you know, a lot of politicians are just sort of like seething, but nobody like that guy. Oh, yeah. How angry he is. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And it was weird because everybody said like Amy was the angry one. And I guess she did physically abuse staff members.

Yeah. But she doesn't. That girl was just blowing off some steam. She's fine. Like she's just I don't really. She just reminds me of an intense old bitch. Yeah, she's not. Like when you there, when you had, when I worked a day job,

you would get those type of women constantly. Yeah. Like middle manager ass type motherfuckers. Yeah. That are just intense as fuck. And I do think she probably abused people. Yeah, I'm sure she did. But you know what?

It's all, I think that's out in the open with Pete. It's like pretending you're you're a chill chill bloke. Dude, how angry he is in that New York Times editorial board vid. Yeah. Is is nuts. I know. He's like the idea that yeah, he's like that's bullshit. Yeah.

Yeah. He's the guy where it's like, because you know, Hillary's as angry as he is for sure. And it's entitled. Yeah. And it's like, you know, Maripete could have people killed. You think? If he was in that, you know, you make that guy president.

Oh, yeah. If you make him president, I think like a post presidency. Pete Buttigieg. Oh, he's definitely how many people how many people he's having killed constantly. For sure. Yeah. That would it would be feel cool to be able to have people killed.

No, it wouldn't feel bad, dude. You'd feel bad afterwards. I would feel like Michael Corleone at the baptism. Because it's like you you're not in a position like mob guys can kill other mob guys because they're all in the thing. Right. That thing of ours. They understand what the rules are.

The beautiful rules of the mafia. If you were just having people that had wronged you killed, it's not that's not fair. Maybe how bad have they wronged me? I don't know. I mean, a lot of people wronged you. Not that many. The guys at the Hershey's.

Yeah. For not honoring my all you can eat all you can drink liquid chocolate coupon that I made myself. Yeah, sir. This is not even close to we don't sell liquid chocolate. It's also hot. Where are you? I don't understand where this is taking place at the factory.

The factory is in Colombia, Colombia. Yeah. Well, it's a little I come with to go back to Colombia. I took a little trip down under to Colombia. We are going back to fucking. Should we ever plug the Australia dates? No. No.

Yeah, that's true. Fuck it. Let's just go eat some fucking kangaroo. Dude, I cannot wait to go back to Salactites. I can't wait either. Let's go on a little Greek tour. Yeah. I want to go to Jimmy's diner.

People say that place is good as fuck too. Where is that? Also in Melbourne. I'm going back to Salactites. What else? What else is on the docket for Melbourne? Is that is that you're going to be burnt? How fucked up is Australia?

Where are we going right now? Nick, do you know how bad it's going to be? Fucked up. I'm trying to. Are you reading about the audio some more? No, I was reading about Colombia. I was thinking about maybe I'll go to Colombia on a vacation. I should go to South America, dude.

I haven't. I've never been. I've never been either. Yeah. I'm not that interested. I want to go to Mexico City. It seems cool. Why?

Why aren't you interested? I don't know. There's a lot of history. I guess that's true. Yeah. I guess I would like to go see some temples and shit. Yeah, I might do that. And some fat assed women.

I wanted to. Here's what I want to do Istanbul. I want to do Rome. Okay. I want to do. That's it. Those are the two. That maybe there's somebody someplace cooler in that region of the world.

Istanbul and Rome. Dave and Buster. No. Chuck E. Cheese. No. Somewhere with a lot of history, maybe with the kind of history. Throat doctor. What are you?

Go to ENT. Dude, if you go to Istanbul and Rome and you don't go to Greece, I'm going to be pissed. Yeah. Greece is beautiful. It is beautiful. It's just like it seems more important to go to Istanbul. Why Istanbul, man?

Because of two empires, dude. Yeah. The two capitals. We were the first empire. No. Alexander. Don't forget that motherfucker. No, no.

No one cares about that. He was fucking gay and he fucked guys and girls and shit. And elephants. He went to India for Christ's sake. He can take a hike. I want to go to India, too. India seems kind of cool. Yeah, India would be fucking awesome.

Yeah. Doing the voice. No one's getting mad. Looking at a piece of paper and I've written stuff down in English and I'm like, do you know where the bathroom is? Everyone's like, uh, yep. Yeah. So flipping your addiction.

How do you have the hour, please? Do you hour the hour? Water? Time, please? It's like a fanny pack. Yep. Just in a fucking button down. Short sleeve button down.

Yeah. Tucked into some khakis. Yeah. A camera around my neck. Excuse me. Sorry. One second. Let me just look this up here.

I'm sorry. One moment. Just a minute. Do you know where there is a restaurant? Did I say, was that okay? Was that right? Did I say it right? Yeah, you turned to your Indian friend.

Was that my pronunciation okay? Did I say it correctly? Dude, fuck it. So they pulled a poo from The Simpsons and there's a bunch of Twitter threads and some girl was like, how about instead of getting rid of poo, they can now have a poo voiced by a South Asian actor that doesn't speak with accent in English. And Homer, he explains to Homer that he was just talking that way

because it's what white people wanted, but he's not doing it anymore. And Homer is shocked at all of the unintentional harm he's caused to poo, but he gets over it. What? And I was like, wow, that sounds like such a good idea. That sounds very funny. Let's talk about that.

Number one sounds very funny. It sounds funny. That sounds like a whole plot for an entire episode. You definitely understand story structure. And what happens in a story. Also, completely disregarding the whole point of Homer as a character. Yeah. Homer, Homer is shocked.

And understands it. Yeah, yeah. That's the point of Homer. Unintentional harm he's caused to poo. It's also, I love... Also, what kind of sociopath is out poo? Talking fake for 20 years? Exactly, for 40 years.

I love that idea that that's what's happening in every seven... Because of white men. In every 7-11, I've ever been into my life. That Benglideshi guy's like, it is at 92, please start. And then he goes, homie's like, these fucking crackers. All I'm trying to do is sell a Slurpee. Trying to make an honest living. And they won't, they won't...

They refuse to buy it unless I do the polls. Unless I talk like that. Yeah, then her follow-up tweet is like, I'm available if you want to hire me. I am a writer. Oh, I'm sure you're a very good ass writer. That sounds... But how funny would it be to hire that?

And you know, it's like, that does work now. Yeah, no, she probably has the job already. There's some fucking moron showrunner that's like, they're right, we do need more spicy voices. We need some more spicy voices up in here. Damn. Fuck dude. Is poor Hank Azari going to be okay?

What are you doing? Are you unscrewing your microphone? Why? I don't think that's going to be it. I don't think if you unscrew the microphone... How's that sound? Oh shit. Does that fix it?

It doesn't fix it, but you look cool. I do, I look like Bob Barker. But it also, it's coming in harsh. Ladies and gentlemen, fuck your cats and dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, if your cat shows you it's pussy, it means it's horny. Remember to fuck your cats and dogs, folks. Why was Barker so fucking...

Why did he give that much of a fuck about dogs and shit? Because you gotta give a shit about something. Barker probably got pussy, he probably fucked the models. Of course. That's awesome. I'd like to think that Pat, which is named Pat Sajak, has been trying to fuck Banna White for 70 years. And she's just like not giving up the pussy.

He's like, dude, she said if I put her on the show... Dude, any day now, they're just going to go my way. Look at that mad TV sketch where Will Sasso makes a brumette pretend to be gay. It's Bobby Lee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over years, they just, they're an old married couple. Come on, man. Stick to the plan.

And then it comes in with that hat. Just like a little captain. Yeah. Ah, I am exhausted. Why have we been having sex? Great sketch, man. Dude, that fucking, that show was so good. I wish I could remember what the fucking sketch was.

Somebody, somebody, I know a lot of people listen to this show. If there's anybody that fucking works at like Shout Factory or can demand that they fucking release the entire, the entire show on DVD, on Blu-ray. Blu-ray? Yes. You're not going to get mad TV on Blu-ray. Why?

You think that people would just want DVDs, wouldn't they? What do you mean? Or just download. I'm the guy telling you what I want. Okay. You're the only guy probably in the world. You didn't even know what Shout Factory was. I didn't, I still don't.

There we go. 4K, UHD. I want it. You think they're going to release a box set of all the mad TVs on Blu-ray? If they released, I would literally pay $500. You're the one guy who would. Yeah, I'm the one guy who would. Yeah.

Yeah. But do they do that? No. But... What is Shout Factory? They're, it's like a distributor. They, they're, it's like, you know how like criteria and they, they get like the best prints and stuff.

Shout Factory, yeah, they get like... Do you got some good shit? Yeah. Fuck dude. I would love, yeah, I would love to re-watch some of those old skit. That show used to fucking like, kill me every week, dude. You know, I could not wait to watch that show. Yes.

It's crazy how like important comedy used to be to me. Oh yeah. How like, how fucking good it made you feel to watch something funny. You should watch the first part of fucking mad TV. Yeah. And then I would flip over to SNL. I know. See what was going on.

You would, you would watch the end of SNL. Yeah. But you would like, do it. Did you do first part of mad TV, then switched SNL? I would go back and forth for the second half. Yeah, I guess I would do a little bit of back and forth, but I usually was like, I'm not missing any of mad TV. See, I was not that much of a mad TV loyalist.

Wow. I would go back and forth. If anything, in the beginning, I was more an SNL guy because of Farley. Yeah. Because when I was a little ass kid, my mom worked at the fucking Greek restaurant and she would bring back tins of calamari if I stayed up late enough on Saturday nights. Yeah, that was a reward for me. But yeah, that was a reward for staying up late.

Yeah. It was food. It was calamari. So just watch Chris. It was the Farley Sandler era. Just this little like fucking overweight monster. No. It was very cute.

It was kept in a basement. Being fed, was it bald? Like when Bill, when you find out on King of the Hill that Bill Dothriev has a son. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Hank is in that room.

Bill, your son is gay. Bill, your son tried to suck my penis. Bill, your son tried to suck my penis. Oh, well, I did go down. Sorry, Hank. Oh, damn. My bill's bad. That's a terrible bill.

Oh, dang, Hank. I can't. I can't even like picture the voice in my head. Oh, Hank. Damn, Hank. Give me one again. Damn, Hank. Damn, Hank.

Hank, why you say my son gay? Why you say my son's gay? It's wild. Your son is gay. I love when Fox would do that shit where it's like, get ready for it. Hank Hill meets Homer Simpson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And then, you know, me as a kid, I'd be like, I gotta see you. This is fucking crazy. This is incredible. No, the critic. Remember the critic in The Simpsons Cross? That was a good episode. That was a great episode. Yeah.

The when I was at. It stinks. That one made sense because they were sort of drawn the same. It was the same animation scene, I think. Yeah. Whereas other ones didn't really make sense. Yeah. Although the Flintstones and the Jetsons, you remember that one?

You watched that one? No, I never really watched the Flintstones or the Jetsons. They had a crossover. Because those were all, that was like back in the 1960s, had some banging cartoons. They did. And they were like on prime time. Yeah.

Like Flintstones were like a fucking. Well, they didn't like Saturday morning cartoons were kind of an invention. There was no like, you know, they would put children's. Yeah. I mean, like animation was like for general audience. Yeah. But they, the idea of like children's programming didn't come around until much later. It's weird. There's all these things you kind of like take for granted.

It's a little kid. I thought TRL was like an institution that had been around since like the thirties. Yeah. Wow. I wonder what the, and I was like shocked to find out that it was like two years old. Yeah. That Carson Daly was always the host. Yeah.

I thought like Dick Clark used to host TRL. Yeah. Like Saturday morning cartoons that the last one went off the air like 10 years ago. Damn. And it's weird to think that doesn't exist anymore. That is weird. Yeah. Which is probably good because it would be, it would be cruel and a disservice to all of the

man babies in the world if they continued playing Saturday morning cartoons. Imagine all of like the 35 year old men that are like, you know what? I'm going to get back into watching cartoons on Saturday. And it's like, no, you need to go have a family. Yeah, dude. You should be taking your child to Little League right now. Right. You don't need to, because you know what?

Your kid doesn't know what Saturday cartoons anymore or even the concept of waiting around for programming instead of looking at it immediately. The second they ever wanted. Yeah. Yeah. And which is the way it should be. Time goes on. I mean, nobody did this before.

Nobody in like fucking 1950 was like, I'm going to get into like walking the school, you know, or like whatever, a pet rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what you mean. The guy that's like fucking 37 years old. In the third, in the sixties, no one was like, I'm going to play stickball. Yeah. Bear handed with my friends.

Yeah. Whatever dumb shit they did. They used to do back, you know. Now everyone's just an infant forever. Not me, though. No. I'm a rich infant. We have me.

Us, we're the rich little babies. And now I'm a rich baby. Yeah. I get as much seamless as I want while I watch John Wick movies. I'm a baby who gets to get his dick sucked. And that's really the key. By the mailman. If he's hot, if he's hot enough.

Sir, what are you doing in the nursery? Oh, I was just dropping your mail off in your son's grip. Okay, sounds good. See you later. Okay, goodbye, Mr. Mailman. That's a good baby's penis. Yeah. I'm a gruff.

Take a bite out of a baby's penis. Scruff my gruff. Chicago, Illinois. I like to fuck boys. Yeah. One I ain't sick. What is that? Yeah, they had a P.O. box.

You get right in. McGruff. Chicago, Illinois. Scruff, McGruff, Chicago, Illinois. 6-0-6-1-2 or some shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's coming back to me. Yeah, mm-hmm.

It's weird. This is just shit tucked in. And I remember I would always, I was like, Mom, if we write the scruff, McGruff, the motherfucker will give me shit. And she just never did it. Yeah. Some of my friends would.

Mom's like, no, who cares? Fucking bitch. Just win the award for being molested. That's what you had to write into them for, right? If you're being molested. If somebody's shy to see your penis. You can win a 24 hour shopping spree to KB Toys. Fuck, dude.

Toys R Us is gone. RIP. I drove by one that was just empty. Toys R Us is out of business? Oh, yeah. No more toy stores, baby. Amazon then killed it. Toys R Us is gone?

No, that can't be right. Dude, bro, it's right. Toys R Us. Let's lift this up. Toys R Us is fucked up. Open in Paramus, New Jersey. Paramus? Paramus.

Paramus. Paramus, New Jersey. They are not out of business. Well, maybe, you know, they're, I don't know. You are incorrect. I think they are. Well, the one in Queens is anyway. Damn.

I drove by one that was closed down. You know what I want to go to? You know, this was called like sweet factory. One of those places just has candy. Yes, in the mall. Yeah. The candy store in the mall with all the turners. Yeah.

You just turn shit. Yes, dude. A faucet. She would fall into your head. Yeah. I'm trying to fuck with that. I want peanut brittle right now. I want to go buy an auntie hands and get a sample of the caramel and fucking,

you know, that kind of the pretzel bites. Yes, sir. The caramel pretzel bites. Yes, sir. With the dipping sauce. They got like a cinnamon. Oh, yeah. Cinnamon crunch.

Dip that in shit in the sample and be like, no, thank you. I was just trying it. I'm an elegant shopper. That's right. Sampling the products. I'd like to, I want to be, I'm an informed consumer. And I want to know all my options. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go walk by a kiosk with Sarko Japan.

Sarko Japan. Walk by a kiosk or someone's like, did you know you could be a model? And I'm like, yes, yes, I did. Yes, but I'm afraid I don't have any time now. Yeah. I have to go after Sarko Japan. What the fuck? There's a Chinese place with orange chicken.

What the fuck was that business? They were just like trying to get like to sell portraits, like packages or something? Yeah, probably. But then you try to sell portraits to like vain little kids. Yeah. Little girls. Yeah. They don't think they're hot.

But they would say to everybody, they would tell everybody that. Yeah, they would. I remember. I hate it how much they would tell me. Yeah. No, I remember that for sure. Those guys telling me I was hot. No, they never were like, if you think you'll be, you could be a good picture taken.

Yes. I honestly don't remember those guys. I remember portrait guys. And I remember the Israeli guys trying to like, you know, give you a manicure. Yeah. Those were all massage agents. Yeah. You know, live together with the Dead Sea Scroll guys.

Yeah. They're like, excuse me. Have you ever heard of the Dead Sea Scrolls? Gorgeous, beautiful. Come here. The Dead Sea is filled with salt and soap. And you can tell it in the very beautiful lady, please come here to kiss kiss. Yeah, I sold, I sold phones at a kiosk across from those Israeli guys in Lake Forest.

And the the fuck my boss would be like, why can't you be more like those guys? And it's like, because I'm not a gay Israeli. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking like clap at women and make kissy faces at them to sell next hell phones. That's not what's going to move units either. Yeah, right. Yeah. Be like, come here, beautiful baby.

Why don't you hold this I-930? It's only $250. It makes you look so beautiful. You're so beautiful for $450. Yeah. How much did those phones cost? The 930, do you remember? Yeah, phones were cheap back then.

And it was also like, if you signed a contract, it like took a dang off of it. Yeah. The way it used to work is you had to sign a two-year contract that had like some giant cancellation fee. Right. And then they would like prorate the cost of the phone into the bill, similar to how it works now. But they, you know, they don't have, nobody has a contract anymore.

Right. But those phones were like 300 bucks, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. And they didn't start getting up until like, because this was before smartphones. Yeah, exactly. They were like, beep, beep, the chirp, chirp ass phones. Yeah.

The next though, I think it was the 830 was like, that was like the hottest one. And then the 930 came out and then that was sort of the end of Nextel. But that Nextel 830, I think that's the one I remember. Everyone had that. I wanted it so bad. The 830? Yeah. Or just the chirp in general?

Just the chirp in general, dude. All the fucking Greeks that whose, whose families own diners had that. Yeah. And all the poor Greeks had Nokia's. Yeah. Nextel 830. I830, that was the shit. Oh yeah, that's the one, baby.

Yeah. And you said the 930? Mm-hmm. I don't remember the, now I'm looking at the 860. Oh, 930, yeah. No, I believe the 830 was the good shit. Yeah. There's also an 870, I don't remember that one.

Yeah, fuck, if only that could be one of those Greeks running their fucking dad shitty diner. Yeah. Being racist, having a, oh, a hot 16 year old girlfriend while you're also 16. Mm-hmm. Brr, brr, brr. Hey, I'm gay, son. Brr, brr, brr.

I'm gay. Son, I'll be doing gay shit, son. Brr, brr, brr, brr. Where's your penis at? What you mean you'll be doing gay shit, man? Come on, stop doing that. Brr, brr, brr, brr. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Man, I'll be, I'll be fitting to do some gay shit, you know, this week, man. Come on, man, get at me. Brr, brr, brr, brr. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, brr, brr, brr. Come on, yo, you being fucking weird, yo. Dog, don't. Brr, brr, brr. Yeah, I'm on the bus.

I'm fitting to cut. Look, I'm on the, I'm on the 56 right now. I can swing by there and suck on your motherfucking dick. Brr, brr, brr. Yeah, I'm actually having sex on the bus myself right now. I'll be right over there. You know what? I'm on, I'm on the queue and I'm getting my dick sucked on the queue 27.

So we both on the bus yelling into our phones about having gay stuff. Yeah. Yeah, those guys loved just fucking screaming in their phones on the bus. Oh yeah. About just incriminating shit. Just like, I got it. Brr, no, I got, I got the fucking weed right now. Chill though.

Chill, chill, chill. You making it hop. Brr, yeah. I'm just riding the bus everywhere. You can go back. No, I'm not doing it. Actually, the buses here are nice. They are nice.

They're much better than fucking Baltimore. Yeah. The trains suck in New York, but the buses are fucking like. Buses are beautiful. Where it's at, dude. You ride a Manhattan bus in the middle of winter. I would do that like. The crosstown buses in Manhattan?

Beautiful. Yeah. Going, going north and south on the avenues on the buses and like a snowstorm. Yeah. It's the best. It's cute as fuck. It's very cute. The buses are very warm.

They blast that fucking heat. There's a bus that goes right from the story to the upper east side, right to a little fucking movie theater over there. I love that, dude. Have a little, little stop Christmas. Well, Christmas. Oh yeah. Christmas with the crooks.

Christmas with Christmas. Christmas sandals. Christmas with the Crocs. Well, my brain is shutting down. So. So does mine, dude. I'm dying. Yeah.

My body's fighting me. What do you want to do? You want to get a little light lunch? I could get like a soup. Yeah. You want to get ramen? Yeah. Fuck.

Ramen is kind of thick. They probably have something with like a nice bra. I need like a light broth. Yeah. I want a French onion soup. You know what? We should go to fucking cafe Palette and get a French onion soup. That's, that's heavy, brother.

You know, but it's little. Yeah. They got like it's. Where's cafe Palette? Fort Green. Okay. Yeah. You want to do that?

Oh, let me take a look at the menu. I'm down for lunch though. All right. Yeah. You whip over there and I'll take a lift back. Okay. Perfect. Sounds good.

All right. Goodbye everyone. All right. Fuck you motherfuckers. It's already too late. We already went. So. If you were planning on trying to rush just some guys

to fucking the front door of his apartment open. Do you have like his pants around his ankle? I went and they weren't there. They weren't there. I thought I was going to have lunch with them. Just like pants still in his ankles coming in. Can I have the French onion soup? Yeah.

Yeah. I was going to. I was meeting with my friends here. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm late. Yeah. I'm way more fun to hang out with than that fucking idiot Ian. You guys ever hear of Ian finance?

Just looking around the restaurant. You guys ever hear of Ian? Do you want something, sir? Yeah, sir. Sir, do you want something? Are you okay? Your pants are down and everyone can see your penis. Is he in here at least?

Can I see you? Can I see you at least? Can I hang out with you? I want to see you and I was joking. You're cool. And I'm sorry. Actually, I could probably do whatever. We'll figure it out.

Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. I could do some ramen though. All right, pals. Bye guys. Boys, boys, girls not allowed to listen. No girl.

Yeah. Come to those road dates. We'll see you later. Oh, yes. Yeah. Girls can definitely come to the road dates. Girls can come. No girls at the shows, boys at home listening.

Yeah. That's what we like. That is what we like. Boys at home listening, getting the secret messages, send your girlfriends out to the show. That's right to hang out with us. So they can come home and tell you how badly they didn't want to fuck us. And that they didn't.

Yeah. And they came back to the hotel to laugh at us, to tell you later such a funny story about how they came back. All right. All right. See you at the show. Bye.