The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 195 – Coomberg

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

remember when people said coom?

Thought we already go. Oh, no, but I didn't want it. Oh, then if you want that information out there It's okay that you were looking up nudes of woe vicki who well, let's check and see how old she is But check that first. Let's get that. Okay. Yeah, she's 19. So in the zone Bad news bitch little B retweeted her and I got the thinking I wonder what her tits look like Anyway Hello, everyone. Welcome to come town. This is great. Somebody commented on one of my Instagram posts and it has nothing to do with The post itself just says Auschwitz theme park six million flags 21 minutes ago and then 19 minutes ago. They tweeted

commented Auschwitz theme park six million flags Fucking loser just to make sure yep. Oh, no just in case that you didn't see it Yeah, I like this part of the show now where I just go through Instagram comments And pick one guy be like wow great post man. That's job. You fucking idiot. Nice job ass Ass face. Yeah ass. We were talking about that like how white guys used to not know how to curse at people. Mm-hmm You freaking ass shit

And then that evolved into that horrible internet way of cussing. Yeah douche nozzle Yeah, yeah, yeah Boo. Yeah, that's the thing that's embarrassing the most about I'm glad I'm off Twitter, but mm-hmm Cuz you know the people you don't just you don't agree with or easy to just sort of write off Sure, the people you do agree with to do embarrassing things or there's a lot of them I've tried because I've tried to say I've tried to like say to a couple of people But you know during Iowa everyone's like they're gonna rat fuck him It's like, okay

Maybe one or two guys can say that. Yeah, we can't all say it. That's that's the most knowing part about fucking Twitter And is everyone's talks exactly everyone talks the same second someone says something kind of funny Mm-hmm now now everyone is the something do or rat fuck is as dumb as like piss baby ass clown Yeah, and and it's a little better I tried to float it by friends. I'm like was everyone saying rat fuck now and they're like it's that accurately describes What's happening? He looks like a rat. I'm like, all right. Okay. Oh, that's a problem. Never mind. Sorry. Sorry Yeah, it has nothing to do. It's you don't have to make it political. It's about language Yes, like I all I'm doing is saying hey man, your shoes are untied. Yeah, it's absolutely. That's it

We don't all have to say it. You don't need to be a piss baby garbage to fire A literal dumpster come Human why does everyone say something is the blank? Doer or whatever The what you know when people everyone on Twitter calls themselves the yeah, yeah, yeah the something doer or something You know what I mean? Like yeah, mm-hmm the pizza eater has logged on. Yeah, well, it's yeah It's all just because that's it because that shit used to be it was Not funny at a certain point, but it was like an accoutrement to being sure to being funny in other ways

Yes, yes, and then like media people got on Twitter Mm-hmm, and then they just figured out the like a tonality and the setic of all of that Yes, and then they repeat things. It's all repeating. It's all repeating. It's like, you know Just retweeting an article and being like you love to see it. Yeah, or like normal day No, he's having a normal one That's the fucking worst part about the internet man It's just like right one just thinks pretend doing the thing somebody that is funny did six years ago Yeah, makes you fun. Well, they're not they're just using the language

That's sort of like, you know when when people who are actually like the people that are funny are funny for other reasons Of course not because they said words that way. Absolutely. Yeah, no, I'm not shitting on the originators of the thing The originators who have now been there we go Yeah, you get all the originators banned our RIP the prospector All right, Peter the boy that was a guy you thought killed himself. Yeah, but now he's actually just banned now He's banned and he's probably gonna kill And I don't care I already got it out of my system I already cared once. Yeah, there's a boy who cried wolf. Of course. That's what you get prospector

Welcome to join us here in my my living room. I tore the blinds off the wall. So yeah, we got beautiful son coming in I don't know how to fix it There's son, there's filters, there's Volvo parts everywhere. I was in beautiful San Diego all weekend, San Diego San San Chalco San Yeah, I love the leave here. San Chalco Yeah Yeah, dude, it's crazy. So yeah, my uncle passed away and it went to his like memorial. All right, he and he was uh He was like a house painter. So I guess he had boys that were like, you know like they yeah

Like they labor's absolutely. Yeah, and some guys spoke at the memorial and somebody else had to like read his thing for him And it was like a story about like when they got chased by bees I'm like this is I made this up. Yeah, I made this guy up and they came and they were stingy And there were too many pointy bees And they were too spooky for me the pointy bees It's like this is unreal You're just laughing. You have to turn into tears. Yeah, you have to pretend you're crying Somebody's like, are you okay? I'm like, yes, I'm just racist

It's just I just I'm just laughing so racists. I just turned into tears. Yeah, it's so funny seeing extended family, too They're like, what have you been up to? I'm like, ah, I'm not done. I'm still I'm failing. I'm still an alcoholic Don't look up anything about me. Whatever you do Don't look me up. I am drunk. Yeah, and I live in a little box in China town. I'm a pedophile. Actually, don't yep Yeah, I've been it's illegal to look now. I'm on the sex offender registry if you look me up You'll find evidence from my trial which will then also implicate you it will implicate you you will be on a watch list Just googling my name downloads child pornography. So don't even do it. Yeah Yes

Don't don't look me up. Oh your daughter's you're going to medical school We can talk about that Fuck yeah, yeah, I loved I loved overhearing my mom tell one of her best friends when they were catching up I just heard her on the phone. She was just like it's yes Everything is going very good the stavro and his friends have a radio show That there's a lot of people listen to and then I just she just took a beat and she was like It it's called Yeah, no somebody literally I was like my mom's second cousin or whatever was like what's what's your podcast called and I just said

Don't worry about Shut up It's not worth it. Yeah, absolutely not. Yeah What are you gonna do? Damn Did you get to do any surfing? No, the rental car plays upgraded me to like a charger RT though. Oh nice. That was fun Just fucking speeding in the open just getting into acts. Yeah

Running over pedestrians. Yeah, I'm more. I'm like kind of like an accident guy Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love I love getting into accidents Mm-hmm. You know the funniest thing that probably happened when we were gone was that that lady was paying the Pete But it's speaking over the rat fucker himself. Mm-hmm. You see that lady pretending to be Nigerian Was that true though? I don't because I got people were like people were like she was pretending to be Nigerian and then they the receipts on that were fucking like one tweet where the Nigerian guy said this is Liz Yeah, and he would just always talk about how I mean it is possible He's just a horny Nigerian who just wants to fuck this lady. Yeah, but it is funny to think about

Just some dumb bitch pretending to be a Nigerian man For to be pro Pete, but it is Because I can't wait to vote for Pete booty booty that booty that I Love that he's gay. I love that he has getting wrapped in his house That is why I am voting for him It would be awesome. She's like look we have a recording of an audio recording of him and she's heard doing the voice Mm-hmm. I am not list. Yes. She's doing text the speech the text for all those tweets

My name is Lisa. Do-do Damn dude, why African though like who's like doesn't make any sense on the fence and they're like that's what I mean It doesn't make any sense. It's like pretending to be a POC is one thing, right? But pretending to be a straight-up just Nigerian person. It doesn't make any sense. Oh The American black people like Bernie. Yeah, well, I'm gonna get even black people to like be the darkest on earth We see you you're American blacks and we raise you African straight from the source I raise you some of the black African brothers As a black African either that's what's so great about it. It's either way it makes no sense. Yeah, either They they pretend to be a fucking Nigerian guy or there is a Nigerian guy good on this

I think so. Oh, wow. Oh hell. Yeah, dude. I knew there was a reason. I got ten foot cords Nick is making coffee right now He's in his kitchen Yeah, this rules he's got donut shop regular K cups a lot of people don't know this but when I'm When we're doing the podcast I'm often multitasking. Mm-hmm. I'm writing love letters Yeah, to my wife. Is it war? I Can't wait until we have that where the bitch has to go to war. Yeah, man gets to stay home with his penis That's right stay home Make a make a softball league even though the MLB already exists. I want to get to a world where

Like a man's cock has treated like a newborn baby You know, yeah, we're they're respected as much as an infinite So the Titanic is sinking and they're like get the night to get the prettiest cocks on board first I'm gonna put your cock out. No, like what a beautiful cock beautiful penis. Oh, yeah, captain That little naval whistle, I'm gonna get one of those and start cackling women with it. Not a bad plan Yeah, if it's if it's a fat lady you get a tugboat. Yeah, damn. I want those on the soundboard. This is gonna turn into the whistle Those are different than the tugboat Yeah, I'm a naval whistle. Yeah, no take your time, bro

Yeah, there's the one that was like they would use on Star Trek also. I don't remember that I'm not I don't I'm not that big of a whistle guy. Yeah, because I was always jealous. I couldn't whistle with my fingers Mm-hmm. I've done it maybe twice in my life. I Will explain to you the four Required sounds that must be used in all this video some fat guy dressed in the full naval uniform He looks like Captain Crunch Captain Captain lunch Third is a whirling sound similar to what a canary would make okay

And we'll explain later. This guy's also five foot one Is a trill standing in a field Our sound or fluttering your tongue on the roof of your mouth hurry up motherfucker make a whistle The first Holding the bosons call in the manner is the low pitch. I am in a clenched position. I'll explain those later Sounds like this Okay, the next one is the whistle bitch still holding it in a low form. I Don't know that one sucked

The third is good just sucks it at boat with By actuating your finger. I'm interested in this one. Yeah, this one better be good Position This guy's got fucking stings Let's put them on blast Dan maker Dan maker. Why don't you make her my cock hard and suck it you fucking piece of shit? There's no art to the way he whistles Yeah, the last trill explained forming an hour you're watering your car roof of your mouth

No cancel bullshit once you head back to tiny Jim's uniform depot and get fucked in your ass Yeah, go return that uniform why don't you go back to walk in the eyes by the guy who sold it to you Yeah, they're great or whatever the fuck that guy says yeah Why do you get fucked by Tony the tiger who's moonlighting as a uniform salesman for petite fat man? Yeah, bitch Yeah, here we go, okay Okay, yeah, that's much that's that's better for sure Jim maker can suck my dick Yeah, that's the Star Trek whistle. This is driving the cat nuts. Yeah, the cat is fucking I

Like that one. Yeah, I love that which Star Trek the original My boy out there. Yeah, they got my boy Bill shakes Bill Shatner. Yeah, who's now selling on TV. He's a spokesman for Sleep apnea machine cleaners and I almost I trusted him so much I almost purchased it But I went with a different kind because what he was advertising Uses ozone to clean things and from what I understand that's part of what's fucking up the ozone layer No, the ozone is what it's good that we have ozone. So should I buy a cleaner that has ozone in it? Yeah, you want to make as much ozone as possible

As possible. Yeah, no you want the ozone layer actually you can make your own ozone at home. How? Through electrolysis No, I mean it wait is it electrolysis isn't that when you make ozone anytime burn air like Anytime it's static electricity that creates ozone. I'm remembering eighth grade science correctly I don't think you're right, but so should we be rubbing our fucking feet on carpets and shit and making sparks be petting the cat backwards? Is that how we save the fucking ozone layer? Ozone creation Ozone is produced naturally in the stratosphere when highly energetic solar radiation

Strikes molecules of oxygen O2 and causes two atoms to split apart in a process called Photolysis if a freed atom collides with another O2 it joins up forming ozone O3, which yeah, that's what I said No, it isn't it's it's close to you said no you didn't say that I did No, bitch creation electrolysis So oh three, huh? That's three of them bitches and oxygen is oh, too Or is there like yeah, yeah, so yeah, no during the electrolysis of water Ozone is generated at the anode and the hydrogen gas is produced at the cathode so through electrolysis

You will create ozone. I did I did know that it was a byproduct of electrolysis I like Charles is the shit you'd use don't they do that to like Like when a when like a lady has varicose veins, don't they do that on her body? They use the ties tighten the pussy They have a prodding right Don't be great to just shame women forever and lose pussy's but just start going into Michael Winslow sound effect Yeah, just put it in you're like damn. I don't feel shit Leasing she's already out of the apartment. You're like You're a pussy shit

Yeah, you can't You're supposed to lose just out the front window. She's down the block. See bye Bye, what are you up to next week? Yeah, let's I'll see you again. Let's get Thai food. I'm just looking at the neighbor across the street Yeah, I fucked her. I fucked her, but her pussy was big pussy was big give her watch that show tool time What are you doing? Do you want to play Red Dead Redemption with me? Sir come down here right now You're under arrest for being the worst member of the neighborhood Do you want to hang out? Yeah, they're calling it autistic gentrification and it's pissing everyone off

It's a new type of gentrification in which mental retards are moving into the neighborhood Yeah, this used to be a family owned dry cleaner and now it's just four game stops next to each other. It's a Funko land Legally operated Funko land you can get into arguments about the true color of Sonic's arms Yes, it's nothing but all those gay as little Board game stores that have very complicated board games that only fat men with pony tails play I like cuz I tried to get it because book board games look nice under a coffee table Sure, and I bought pandemic and betrayal on house

Whatever and I will never ever play this. Yeah, it will never happen once. No, absolutely not Katana I can do here and there Katana. Yeah every once in a while, but even that it's like yeah It took some coaxing to get me into Katana. Absolutely. I was too busy playing real games like modern warfare That's right or mine or mine games. Yeah, mine games with bitches. Yeah See, I don't need the I don't need no trivial pursuit when I'm emotionally Manipulated woman who cares for me into cutting her cutting herself Prove you love me, bitch. Yes bitch, let me see them on I

Call them tally marks One I love you or two I love you Yeah, my favorite part of tally marks is fucking doing that diagonal that represents for the fifth Nothing felt as good as that The five done felt so good. It reminds me playing darts. Yep. Mm-hmm. I just like yeah I honestly felt like I was doing business when I was what I got the five Yeah, I had some I had some other shit that was like uniquely like fat autism kids That I forgot about that that fuck I could

That I wish I could remember because I wanted I wanted to bring it up. Damn. It's all right, bro It'll come up. Yeah, but it was on the level of like being afraid of Paxon. Yeah. Oh, yeah Yep, being afraid of that store being so afraid of it just seeing the mannequins being like Fuck and being so happy when like some Quicksilver randomly made it to like marshals. You're like, thank God Mm-hmm. I can buy this is on my turf. I don't have to go in the packs on Dubai. Yeah, they made fat We're in Pooka shells like a choker Dude, I was so happy when I found the XL Quicksilver. I was like, thank God, dude I don't have to go in there. Yeah, or like a wallet that was velcro

That had a slot for a wallet chain. Mm-hmm. You're like fuck. What am I gonna put this put in here my membership to being gay That card my blockbuster car, bro My block my pride and joy Do you ever have one of the gold blockbuster cars? I never did never could say that I did. Mm-hmm. I think I had one when I was like 17 Oh, yeah. Yeah, what is that? What did that denote? Nothing. I can't remember. I think maybe it was like You get a free video every month or something. No, it was maybe before they did completely ending rental fees There is like, you know, I don't even remember. I just remember I had a different color I don't know. It might not even been gold. It could have been like silver or something. Yeah, but it was a spec

It was special, of course I had a special blockbuster better than everybody. Didn't you work at blockbuster? Oh, yeah Yeah, I was talking about that with Adam the other day because we're talking about how you haven't seen any movie ever And so funny that you worked at blockbuster. I worked at blockbuster for a summer and I ran up Martin Scorsese movies Basically, okay, I watched King of Comedy because like that's the thing I had such my parents were not like culturally American at all. Yeah, like all this shit I missed out on so much shit that just everybody else did and knew about I had no idea Yeah, if it wasn't just on TV that I could find myself and my mom was like really nervous about us becoming like bad kids

Yeah, so we weren't allowed to watch anything cool. Yeah, no rated our movies. No nothing. Oh, really? Yeah, no, I watched a lot of like dude the funniest when there was like kids who couldn't see PG-13 movies until they were 13 I was like damn does your like mom hold your penis when you go to the bathroom also? Mom I gotta go. Yeah, I'm 12 and a half But my mom has to come over to hold my penis in the bathroom, so I don't piss on myself Yeah, I've ruined a lot of my pajama bottoms, so she just kind of took it upon herself to hold my penis Yeah, I honestly was not allowed to watch most shit, but I did see King of Comedy I saw What else did I see that summer?

I'll just watch Goodfellas again. Mm-hmm If I was an Asian guy to have a special called the King of Comedy the King of Comedy. Mm-hmm. It's not bad. It isn't bad You get away with I'm kind of shocked Ken Jong hasn't done that He had a special I'm sure there was faux-fault that I didn't watch but I'm sure was probably bad. Yeah I'm gonna take an SHIT. What from that bagel dude? Yeah I'm gonna get this coffee going. Yeah, get that coffee going dude, and well while everyone is here Why don't you come see me this weekend in DC?

I'll be at the DC draft house Starting tomorrow Thursday the 20th through the 22nd and then two weeks from now I'll be at stand-up live in Phoenix on the 5th March 5th, and I'll be at 191 tool or 191 tool in Tucson So buy your motherfucking tickets and see me and then I'm gonna be in fucking you're going back to Arizona Yeah, weren't you just there? Dude, that's what I thought and then it's been a fucking year and a half I thought you were just in Phoenix or now or Tucson. No, no, that's coming up

I was in Tucson and Phoenix a year and a half ago damn Yeah, yeah, I I'm gonna go do shows out there. Yeah, dude. You should I did pretty good numbers in Phoenix. I love the desert I'm not I don't like this. It's just too scary. It's too scary. It's not for the fat and the supple Yeah, it'll dry me out dude. Yeah, I yeah, I like to be somewhere with moisture I should plug my dates to I guess I'm in I'm in Nashville and Louisville and Then Cincinnati and Indianapolis and Milwaukee in Chicago, and that's always the end of March And if you go to bands in town

There's a website called bands in town. Yes, you got to search my name It's something like that All right, we're almost there. I don't know man I used to have a website and then got fucked up by the print shop. Just get another website, bro I guess I should my Nick my mullin dot tour bands or something Bands will make her dance bands Yeah bands in town and then you search my oh here we go bands in town comm slash Nick mullin There you go 321 Nashville 322 Louisville

323 Cincinnati 324 in the Annapolis 325 Chicago 26 Milwaukee Oh, this man's on the road bitch 27 Chicago 28 Chicago So in the March There's a tour. We got two guys from Chicago too hard. Dicks Savages holding down to open up and then I do 10 minutes of crowd work and then Q&A for 30 minutes Yeah, no, that's true Adam is gay next question. Yeah next question Yep, no, that's yeah, what was I thinking when I called him a bug? You know

I couldn't tell you I kind of think about the artistic process Yeah, the go there apparently I think that the all most of the shows are fine Louisville show the numbers are abysmal. No, that'll pick up. I did good numbers in Louisville Sure, but I just got to plug it. Yeah, so people know bands in town comm slash Nick mullin If you I don't think you've said Louisville once and if you want shirts Yeah, I haven't I haven't really paid attention to go to stop it abyssal tour. I don't know if you're taking me seriously when I said I would have not prepared for the tour I don't know if you're taking me seriously when I said I would have not prepared at all for this, but if that's the effort I'm putting into plugging the dates

We can just see what happens when I go do the dates If you're ready for just what could be described as a disaster But I will be on stage for an hour that that we can guarantee I can guarantee you I will be on feet will be on a stage for a whole hour Will we check his phone? I've written one joke this year and it's not even I was trying to think about like You try to do like some kind of derailment thing about like like how hard it is to raise a girl You know how hard women have it because it's like you got to raise them to you still want to be nice Yeah, they're a society expects them to be nice, but then they can't be too nice Because if the two nights to you know boys in school or retarded kids can ask them to prom

Right, you do have that's the there's a line you have to walk You know you can't be the bitch telling a retard they're not going to take her to prom Of course You know absolutely because it's going to be it's going to be live streamed people are going to see that Yes And you know I'm not saying anybody deserves to be raped, but the girl that broke a retard's heart Yeah, no I think you got something there Let me get her a little mini skirt one way ticket to Pakistan show her a real retard can do you know what I mean

What unchecked Pakistani retardation You know That's why it's hard to raise a girl I think you got something there Yeah, I ran it by one person there like yeah just don't do stand up I wouldn't I would just quit man I would just not do stand up anymore I would say that you've ruined your brain

With broadcasting I have a thing that I want to do is a bit that I don't know what the context would be But it's just like a couple's counseling It's like a therapist and it's like a married couple's talking and it's like two guys And like like 15 minutes into them talking he's just like all right well Let me stop you right there I think the first problem is that you're both a couple of fellas If you boys just went out and got a little pussy maybe all your problems get solved So the premise is the existence of Christian conversion therapy

Yeah basically yeah I guess that is just conversion therapy What if something that exists and definitely already is real was real Was real but like I guess a little more polite Yeah yeah Okay boys There's no context just like helping them at the whole time you know they're like Well when you go to you know they're like you know do you guys express your feelings to each other Because it seems like you're stuck in this kind of almost Mexican standoff

Where you don't want to be the one who is expressing something for fear of rejection And that mutual fear of rejection kind of builds in this negative feedback loop I mean do you tell each other that you love each other that you care for each other And like well when we're making love and then he's like Ah the fuck Come on pal Listen I thought I was helping two friends get along Making love

In your ass Alright I'll take you on but no one gets fucked in the ass You're not allowed to say that shit to me ever Oh I like that he sticks with it He's like alright well you know I'm a professional Have you seen that movie The Irishman I've been feeling more of like an Irishman vibe lately So I'll answer your questions and help you

But you can never ever say that to me It's a line from the movie No it isn't actually You know we've seen that movie plenty and that's not You're not allowed to watch the movie It's actually a pretty gay movie It's about a love triangle with three men And that's when he just hits them

That's why he loses it Don't you ever say Bobby De Niro is gay It's a spray bottle He just sprays Stop it Yeah That's how bad their insurance is Bobby they have to stick with him

Bobby the nice guy Oh I like that Hey it's me Bobby D the nice guy Bobby the nice guy You talking to me? No I'm just saying you shouldn't write girls You shouldn't Yeah I'm just saying Queen you're a little beautiful today

No I'm just saying it was a really good post Queen It was a good post Hey it's me Donnie Sempernaro Hey how you doing Donnie? How you doing normalised dating sex workers Hey you know what It's a woman's choice Literally what are you gonna do

You're gonna fucking tell a woman What she can do with her body And post baby Post it up I love Queen Give me your only fans Queen Everybody was there Frankie the tanky

Tommy Sempernaro Mikey college sports guy That pretends to be a leftist But occasionally he lets his true color show He's deeply pro police Hey then Frankie was there Yeah My name's Antonio Delemanato

Delemanato Hey I'm fucking genderqueer over here Hey genderqueer Sometimes I look like a guy Sure but every once in a while I put on a skirt What's wrong with that? I had one that was like

I wish I could remember My name that sounded trans It was pretty good I was thinking about it While driving that charger around Hell yeah dude The absolute power in a charger Just cutting people off

I'm sad I'm grieving I'm on my way to the bathroom Damn what if I just threw up in the middle of the podcast That's the next step for the show It's just on the mic I'm vomiting all over myself Just keep going How about a Chinese version of Star Wars

A Chinese version of Jabba the Hutt He's like, you know, he speaks the same And then Hansel was like I guess I don't speak Chinese Yep There we go What would he look? Maybe he has one of those triangle hats There's that Vietnamese

I never really understood that thing with Jabba So fucking Hansel owes him a bunch of money Yes And he can't pay it back So Jabba just wants to turn him into a statue Did he Doesn't he want him dead? No he freezes him in carbonite

But that's because they're going to pay for him Darth Vader and shit is going to pay for him You know Oh they want him I think so Why does Darth Vader want him? What does Darth Vader after in those movies? He wants to get Princess Leia's pussy

He wants to fuck his own daughter and suck his son's dick I guess I don't know what he's after I guess he's trying to kill Luke because he's a Jedi Yeah he's trying to kill him or convince him to join the dark side Yeah he joined the dark side That's what it is I still don't understand the plot of the movie

So no one has the force anymore Everyone used to have it and now no one has it No everyone didn't use to have it There's a lot of guys that had it Back in the olden times But now it's just some dumb bitch Whose grandfather was Hitler Yeah

That's the best part about the New Star Wars spoiler alert everyone Is that basically The moral is like Does Rey turn out to be somebody's daughter? Yeah she turns out to be the emperor's granddaughter Out of nowhere It makes no fucking sense And he's dead but he's actually not dead

The movie starts and they're like By the way he's not dead He's been actually just He was gone for a little bit He got thrown into the engine Yeah he's like there he is And then they make up like some planet that he's been hiding out on That's some secret Sith planet

It makes no fucking sense But again I just saw it on mushrooms and it was good And the best part was a monkey That repairs Kylo Ren's helmet That's pretty fucking funny And this little guy Babu Frick who rocks And the characters I like The Chinese guys

Those Chinese guys were awesome They were like What are you trying to do in the galaxy I have no idea this movie's gay We're just trying to go to work Just trying to cash a Disney paycheck Just trying to get a I'm trying to get SAG health insurance

Because you can always go wrong I feel like anytime they put like a native New Zealander In a movie it's a mistake Interesting why do you say that They always bring that like Maori Bullshit into every movie That is true even in space They're doing the dance

They're doing a haka He can't just be a regular guy Who happens to be from New Zealand You gotta fucking put that New Zealand stink On everything I totally know what you mean though George Lucas is like can we Pause for a second

We got all the representation stuff out With the puppets So we really don't need you doing the haka We've done it all We've already done it There's a pterodactyl that's supposed to be From fucking Tasmania So

We don't really need you Showing off your face tattoos If you could stop rubbing the makeup off And take the bone out of your nose He's just wearing the lightsaber through A hole in his nose My name is Taku Taku Taku This is

No your name's Eric Your name is Eric That was the other funny thing Is that they had like the John Boyega's character John Boyega rocks by the way He's just been trolling Star Wars fans on Twitter Yeah my character fucks Ray

That guy fucking rules But that's how he literally said It's not about who kisses but who lays the pipe first I love it dude His character fucked Ray offscreen It's not in the movie at all He's just like yeah I fucked her People getting so mad

Disrespectful it is You're a fucking dumb character I just love it because it's like The people who are in the movie Star Wars fans make the mistake of thinking that The Star Wars actors are like Star Trek actors Where you sign your soul to the devil When you become a Star Trek actor

It's like this is you Not only your typecast but now you have to Be a part of this community There's no room for a guy that just Is in Star Trek and then is like Yeah that shit's gay Where you can be like that with Star Wars Especially the newer ones because they're like

It makes you so famous There's that famous clip of Harrison Ford In some interviews Did you shoot Greedo first? Or did Greedo shoot you first? I don't care I'll never give a shit about that This is some of the gay shit ever made

You're gay Shut the fuck up you fucking dweeb Suck my dick Suck my dick you little homo Just take a shot of that guy's fucking Dead face You're gay Shouts out to fucking

And at the end John Boyega He has force powers I guess Teased that he's gonna fuck Rey And then they just make up They just find another black There's just a black lady They're like oh yeah John Boyega will be staying

With the black woman Even though he has force powers It's only the two rich families That get to actually be Jedi You just get to be a guy with the fucking force And you get to fuck I mean the lady was hotter than Rey The black lady

Although I would also fuck Rey Don't get it twisted John Boyardee John Boyardee What's up man My name is John Boyardee He's me John Boyardee He's me John Boyardee

Have you seen Attack the Block People say that's good That's basically how he got into Star Wars But I'm tired of British people That are good at acting Because they all have the same story International celebrities And they were in one movie called

Tufka Shire Grumpy Shire It's about The 15th Street Boys Avenue from an orphanage And they do each other's tattoos And steal car parts And I don't know

Just those fucking like Peek washed out British Kind of like Peaky Blinders Yeah I guess that kind of shit But you know they're all in one of those And then they're in X-Men Yeah

Dude that's how it goes You make one good movie and then you just get to be fucking famous Yeah they're all like Spoiled British children Yeah they've been to like acting Academy What a name For a school

There's a school in the earth called the Professional Children School Can you imagine how much of a bitch You'd have to be together None of you sloppy little children Mom, Dad I want to go to the Professional School I want to be better than those kids I'm better than them

I'm a professional child That sucks professional child Yeah Is that a cover to rape kids? I hope so Fucked up Is that how you say it like look I'm not fucking any these professional children

They know what they signed up with These kids are pros Jeffrey Epstein's defense She was a pro She was a pro child What does he sound like Shots out to fucking the pedophile Billionaires staying in the presidential race

Big Mike Little Mike Bloomberg I love that dude Just another rich pedophile Is he a pedophile? He was on the logs Oh was he? Oh yeah Mike Kuhnberg Is what they call him

Kuhn? Yeah they call him that on the plans He loves his Kuhn What's Kuhn? It's cum but it's how they say it That okay computer Not What is it? Thanks computer What's the name of the guys that did the Mom's video with him

You know that line Sam Hyde I can't wait to cum Oh moms The one where they have all those old bitches That was a good video It's one of the funniest videos of all time One of the greatest lines of all time

Maybe I'm just so cool I want to die There's never been I know that was probably ad-libbed Oh yeah Most of that shit was probably ad-libbed I feel like One of The funniest things anyone's ever I'm putting that up there with Mark Twain

Oh yeah Sam Club It's funny guy dude I love him Maybe I'm just so cool I want to die Um Yeah Bloomy was out there having sex with children on that island Kuhnberg

David Blaine Bill Gates Surprise you're 18 Now you're 14 again What's Blaine up to Didn't somebody say he raped them also All magicians rape There's not a single magician that doesn't have blood on his hands

Or his penis What about What is the mental profile From a young age Somebody that wants to go into tricking people The biggest trick of all Is sex without consent A lot of kids are interested in magic

Until they find out it's fake That is true And then you find out it's fake and you're like Oh fuck this Yeah fuck that I wanted powers but these guys are like It's better that it's fake I'm a normal man And I'll learn how to fucking deceive

People And I'll be doing razzle dazzle until before they realize it My dick is in their mouth and pussy I remember learning how to do this one Thumb Thumb pretend it's your fingertip Pretend you're pulling your finger off That's a good one

And first grade And this Korean kid looked behind my hand And figured out how I did it And I was like you fucking piece of shit Fuck you Fuck you No Just tearing everything off the walls

You're a fucking piece go back to fucking Korea And it's just being one of those kids And having the school being like He has emotional problems There's a problem with his emotions They call it back in the day It's just got an emotional disability Oh fuck

Yeah those kids were the funniest The ones that Just freak out at nothing And then fucking like smash Things in the classroom Like throwing graduated cylinders at the walls And fucking like Trying to break the teacher's computer

Absolutely we had a kid like that Who would fucking get on all fours and crawl around And be like This is fucking little white trash Kid named Mark We just like break everything Like literally He was not retarded but they put him in the

Retarded glass for like four months Just kicking the pencil sharpener off the wall Yes he literally like broke Mugs and like food shit against the wall He was awesome He's got a child now He would literally get on all fours And just hooting holler like a monkey

I was jealous of those kids because they represented Freedom to me What you could be If you were just missing that Whatever the regulator is The governor We're regulators We make it so that we don't act retarded

You can't be some geek off the street What's that The regulators You know The beginning part of the That song Let's get some Let's get some vibes going

We're regulators We've had sex We've had sex Where am I We're regulators Very cool Welcome to the mind palace Of getting pussy

Welcome to having sex Having sex the podcast Having gay sex And we're having gay sex Gay sex We should just do the whole podcast We only got 15 minutes left We might as well do the rest of the show

Like this Just like this If your number ends in 7, 1, 8 Please Report to the left Directly to the showers That'd be tight if Auschwitz Had laughter on loudspeakers

That would probably fuck you up We've instituted a new policy To bring levity To the lives of the prisoners There will be a clown laughing On the loudspeakers It's not so bad To get genocide

It's your fault That you're in here Shouldn't have been a Jew This is what you get For owning the banks I'm gay To Auschwitz Welcome to Auschwitz

You are fucking gay Good Morning Auschwitz We're coming at you live From the East Prison Wing It's me, DJ Robin DJ Robin

DJ Robin Williams From Auschwitz Good morning I'm from Auschwitz It's another cloudy day Who can tell? Is that just smoke from the towers? Seems like it The towers

He's running out of shit I'm sitting on a roadblock DJing in Auschwitz Oh boy, the ovens How come you never Makes me feel like the gingerbread man Over here Running around, you're not going to catch me

I guess they already did Maybe if I was a little bit sweeter Not enough spice Like a girl would have Girls, you got any girls in here? Maybe that'll lighten the place up They got their own camp What's next, letting them vote?

Okay, it's time for my lunch break Vietnam! RIP, man Going too soon That would have been a great gig for him In charge of the radio At Auschwitz It's funny how

It's almost been a hundred years Since the Holocaust And it's still so funny Yes Absolutely, that's the big takeaway Yeah I would say still funny Not just recently, pretty funny

Because things weren't funny back then The funniest thing they had was loony tunes That was, I mean, some of that shit was good It was like, what if a dog wanted to fuck What if a dog wanted to have sex With a woman at a nightclub Yeah, it was a wolf, man It's a type of dog

You're right You're right, and I'll take that back Whatever happened to the stop cat calling movement Did they realize that was just completely racist? Yeah I think they realized it was a part They were stifling Latinx culture They were stifling black and Latina

They were silencing brown bodies So they stopped With the stop cat calling culture What are you looking at? Come on, man There's only two of us I'm trying to look up the cat What is it called? I was trying to remember the name

What is it? Hollaback Was that what it was called? That is definitely racist If it was called Hollaback Yeah, it was called Hollaback I ain't no Hollaback girl Yeah, Hollaback I wanna suck off all men

Cause I'm gay, my dick is fucking small But I am a fucking gay guy Yeah, cause this was Hollaback was the one where they had that woman walk around For 10 hours Oh yeah, I remember her She's pretty hot

I actually did I actually did I actually did and I didn't have to say anything I get this in my Recommended videos all the time Certified Goon, Judge Joe Brown gets cussed The hell out The video is

Always in Somebody's Acknowledging you for being beautiful This video was so goddamn funny Cause they shot it, this is clearly like Like fucking near Aster Place or something It looks like maybe

Tribeca, I can't identify But people only did it in black areas It's like No You can see in the video there's everybody Okay A little fucking Trutherism

Here It was a Well, would you go there for a gamble? Oh yes it is That'll be a $50 $100 assessment for impertnance Now, you want to get cute with me? You want to tell me the truth?

You being real cute That's another $100 assessment I suggest you stop Before I bust you badly son Don't disappoint your mother Oh You want to be like that? Bring the witness in Bring the witness

Imagine going on TV To go to Small Claims Court and ending up in jail I'm glad they recommended this to me, this is great I want to see what the witness has to say Now, swear to the witness in Please Madam Sonya if you would Yes your honor, okay stay quiet I wouldn't get cute

Do you promise to tell the truth in all matters Before this court? Young man please state your full name For the record Are you acquainted with the Two individuals to your left? Are you acquainted with the young man On the far left?

Where do you know him from? Landwood Are you familiar with the Subject matter of this proceeding? Do you have anything to add to this? I was in the car with him Who's him? Brandon, when we left

The motorcycle club Where were you guys? I believe it's like Radondo What's the name of the club? The red brief The motorcycle club When we left the motorcycle club

I got in the car with Antonio We got in the car and we left I asked him if he could take me home And then I asked Brandon If he could take me home So Brandon was going to take me to my house So I got out of the car with Antonio When I get in the car with Brandon

He's driving real fast Speeding I think it already happened bro Is that it? It better not be the rest of this fucking trial I think it literally is I want to see this guy get lit up by Joe Brown I have no clue

Cause you're lying John, you're lying You're lying You're lying You're not gonna sit here In my case You keep it up You don't have a point

Because the deeper you get into it The more you get deep into a Urgery charge You won't be walking too far Without a warrant for your arrest There's also an ongoing investigation club This is a fight People clapping

Get him Joe Brown Send that man to prison Joe Brown Right for perjuring in small claims We love getting people in jail For dumb bullshit Judge Scream Judge Joe Pussy Brown

It's weird You never see the Scream masks in stores anymore They used to be you go to CVS around the holidays And it's like I guess I'll be the Scream mask Scream guy? Did you have Scream guy years? I never had Scream guy years I flirted with having the scary movie With the tongue out Scream guy

You remember that? After they get him high I just wanted candy The last couple years I went I remember the last year I went I just bore a fucking ski mask In a hoodie I'm like I'm a criminal I'm a fucking bad guy

I'm a bad guy And you were 17 I'm a bad guy now I think maybe 13 Yeah there's a time where you realize I can just buy candy It's not that expensive There's no reason not to

No I never had Scream mask for years I used to like getting dressed up Dude I had a couple nice ones Yeah what did you do? Pillsbury Doughboy And it crushed It crushed bro I remember when your mom made you a little hat

I bought a chef's hat My mom worked at a restaurant She just gave me a chef's hat And then you put a pee on it And then a little blue handkerchief And then completely naked I was fully nude Walking around the streets of greek town

With my little penis out And they were like Oh the Pillsbury Doughboy That one was alarmed And everyone was like yeah there he is Pillsbury Doughboy Uh fuck Yeah being naked is so funny

I hate it but it is funny Being naked with a hat on is awesome Just naked but like you've made a choice To not be naked in other ways But your dick is out and that's great Just be on one of those survival shows you're completely new But you got like a Terence Malloch hat on Hahaha

Hahaha Just an Indiana Jones hat Don't look at my dick Don't look at my penis you fucking star wars Don't look at it Hahaha Did you suck Greedo's dick first Or did he suck your dick first

I don't care I'm about to rape you I'm about to fuck you when your nerd asks Hahaha There's a voice that starts raping every nerd That annoys him Why don't you ask me about witness That's a much better movie

What's witness about I don't know Harrison Ford's big bangers of course Are Indiana Jones Indiana Jones The fugitive Air Force One Star Wars

Blade Runner 2049 Was that good It was fine Hahaha Yeah it didn't look good Yeah how about Age Runner It's like in the future no one knows who's gay

Hahaha You can't tell It's impossible to tell in the future Because everyone has a robot Everyone's either gay Or straight and you can't tell It's impossible to tell And every gay guy has AIDS by the way

And age runners, guys who have to go around Killing people with AIDS Before they give it to So they have to figure out if you're gay And there's a bunch of questions Hahaha That's on the screen The text on the screen

There's a bunch of questions And then it just cuts right to Like the guy smoking What is it, not the Dunning Kruger That's if you think you're good at something The Wilkes, what's the name of the town I don't fucking remember dude He's in there

You're walking out on the street and you see a penis What do you do? I don't suck it Hahaha Simple, my good man, I don't suck it I don't suck on it The guy's looking, he's salivating I don't suck it He's watching his eyes dilate

That's disgusting You wake up, you have a nightmare, you're getting fucked in your ass What's all over the inside of your pants Shit, I scared myself shitless Shit, it's not come It's definitely not come Hahaha I've never had sex

With a man Hahaha Hahaha Hahaha Hell yeah I'll take that test dude Is there a part where a woman sucks you off? There is

That's the ultimate test That's swordfish You think you're good at hacking We're getting you dick sucked Also like What kind of bad guy moved to suck What happens if he doesn't do the hacking Hahaha

Well I guess we kill him So I just had to suck that guy's dick for no reason Hahaha Yeah it's also he passes and then it's like Now that bitch is just her co-worker You gotta see her around the office And be like so How's work on

A lot of new recruits this week Is dick sucked again? I don't think so, that movie sucks Yeah it was horrible Doesn't it turn out like John Travolta's the good guy Or trying to trick the government I don't know, I barely remember it I love movies where the bad guy

Is actually secretly the good guy Yeah like Titanic No not like that That's one where you have to make a case I mean it's baked into the fucking Like a time to kill I haven't seen that In the time to kill fucking Samuel Jackson

Plays a black guy who murdered two guys That raped his daughter So he's on trial and the whole time You're like I hope they electrocute this black guy Hahaha And then Matthew McConaughey does his speech At the end where he says to the jury He describes him raping the daughter

And then he goes now I want you to imagine That little girl was white and you're like Whoa that is fucked Holy shit I guess it was bad That they raped him And then you're like surprise twist ending Turns out Samuel Jackson Sort of justified

But still deserves the death fact Hahaha He deserves it but we feel bad about it Yeah I love how that's what being a judge is For the most part Having not looked into it at all But you know We must uphold the law

And so he will go to jail He will go to jail even though Probably those guys did deserve to die For raping a child And now he must die But he has to die Alright well I gotta go take a shit Okay well thanks for listening everyone

Stobby.biz.tour Bands in town Also comtown.merch.com If you want shirts There is now an unlimited supply Because the print shop Is just printing on demand Smart move bro

That's good and you don't have to do that shit To figure out how to get it to work on my website So that we have to use their website So it's comtown.merch.com Yeah Alright but we're coming to Australia too Go to com. What is it?

Comtown.events We cancelled Adelaide So suck our fucking dicks if you live over there But everywhere else we'll see you soon Alright bye