The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 196 – Fash Wednesday

Episode Date: February 26, 2020

Shout out to all of our Nazi friends that will have to suffer through us demanding that everyone vote for Bernie for the next couple of months. Appreciate yall. Know that if you ever change your mind and vote for healthcare you can certainly use slurs in

Than that the one that only the only truth is having fuck Wait a minute here stuff. Yeah, what's going on here? That's plugged in this is plugged in this channel on Can you hear me now I can't hear stuff Penis penis pie penis penis pie. Welcome back. Oh, it feels good to be back How good does it feel Oh, yes Some of the sounds They call it homo town

Dude that beat the way they did their hair was beautiful. Fuck me in my ass fuck me in my mouth You're listening to come town the only podcast you could just do in your head I don't need to listen to Absolutely no reason you just don't you could just do it in your head Maybe you have an attachment to the characters now or something, but the characters could also exist in your head No, and they largely do should we just release like a mad libs? book That way people don't even have to I

Don't know. I mean if this has to continue until comedy improves, you know, I don't know punishment It will continue until comedy fixes itself up her lip and then there's a reason there's actually a reason to work on jokes You know, oh, so never we're good. Never As long as man, that's the best thing in comedy we get up we get a pass brother I'm not doing my fucking job. We're the yin of the yang If we're not all pulling our weight around here respect. I'm telling you this right now. I am fucking showing up 30 minutes late Punching out 45. I love that. I love that. That's the employee of the month You better believe I'm eating at my fucking desk and taking a 45 minute shit

Second an email rolls out. Oh my god eating hard-boiled eggs Stinking up the whole fucking joint right microwaving weak old Indian food in the break room I'm just waiting and then blaming it on the Indian guy Yeah, not even eating it using it as a odor bomb I don't know that seems like something Sundar would eat it. Yeah, you're eating a PBJ. You're like, no, I have my lunch right here Yeah, why don't you take it up with Nanette and her Indian friends? Actually, we have I mean we can look at the yeah the videotape if you want and the Indian guys like Dom son There that I am telling you why are you why are you to being popping off?

I think it's one generation after that It would be but yeah, it's funny. No, no, no playboy Why are you always why are you always coming out to me at the side of your neck? You're going to catch five Hell yeah, I'm snatching views Respecting just another day at the comedy office Mm-hmm mask out mask off. I Am taking the mask off. I'm taking my mask off

Dude I that remind me of my old office when I worked in a fucking law firm that got caught with embezzling Yeah, that's funny because I remember I would see you and you get off working and be wearing like clothes like yeah Instead of like, you know custom Puma a golf track a golf polo and they're not custom. They come in my size. Thank you Well, they look like they were tailored for your body. Thank you. He's going to a tailor. He's got a series of Don't run, please, okay It should be about two weeks We need to make the penis area

Smaller To bring the vagina in There's no vagina. We use the extra excess material from the penis area added to the stomach area Won't be necessary Love it you look because we have a better similar body type I Can still we have both very athletic Yeah, no, I love when they do that when guys lie to me about my body

And this jacked instructor sees I'm struggling to do the most basic shit. Yeah, he's like no, no come here You're like me. You got to do it different. Yeah, my shoulder gets he's like just like you got to do it And I knew he was lying just like you just like I mean he was jacked He wasn't even like a yoga guy. He was like a fucking. Yeah, dude. I love us, dude Yeah, I was jacked the legends just like us. You got to do it like me brother. Mm-hmm Damn, I was thinking about going to a tailor. Get me a fucking custom custom track suit actually You would go track suit not actual suit. I don't need a suit man. Do we go to events all the time? Yeah, the wards show. I have to go to the weddings of my friends from Twitter

Yeah, I actually have a couple ways. I'm out damn your catches dookie No one else knows it, but you maybe I'm just my breath smells like cat shit. You've been eating a cat's ass Adam No, but I have been not eating the right foods for my body dude I remember damn that I really was not it was not custom. It was even worse It was from fucking like Casual male XL. Yeah, it was those khakis that yeah, cuz you lost like a hundred pounds more. Yeah, I was fat as fuck Mm-hmm. It was khakis with straight-up elastic band I remember going out with you and then you would get in your car afterwards and like the car would like

The shock just drive away Sharp left oh dude that poor civic dude shouts out the freight on my second car Yeah, the car is just drifting to the left. Yeah, it would break down all the time So the car would do the thing that I had jet like I said literally five seconds before you say would you say you heard What did you say say it again? I said that he gets in and the car is just immediately It's awesome that you found a way to embarrass to be the most embarrassed one after a riff about me being morbidly Obvious so fat that the car can't operate I'm not embarrassed. You should be I'm not embarrassed. I'm a man without shame. That's true

That's you can't kill a man without shame Is that the tagline to it? Is that the tagline to a fucking? No, it's my new Instagram by a French movie from the 40s that you just watched. No, it's my new bio on Instagram The beach is man. The bitch is man Yeah, that is you. Hello, Adam Friedland. This is Jimmy Hoffa I Heard that you're a bitch That is true

That's not what I saw also make a mess in my pants That's very good, that's great. That's great to hear I could use a man like you I could use a bitch as well. So goes to the bathroom in his pants I could I can do that for you. I can do that Yeah, yeah, just sitting in a suite with Jimmy Hoffa shitting in the fucking on the pullout couch Mm-hmm. I need someone to eat all my diarrhea before my And I tell you this guy ace this guy Adam He's the only guy that would be willing to eat an entire toilet full of diarrhea

Yeah, nobody else could do it like him. I could do that for you I said first time I saw him. I said ace you smell like diarrhea and he said I just ate an entire porta potty full of diarrhea And I said why did somebody ask you to do that? And he said no, I just had to prove I could That's the kind of guy ace was It just feels good crazy ju fuck That crazy ju fuck was going around town eating diarrhea It's just to prove how shameless he was Every day people try and humiliate him online

And it meant nothing to him That's kind of subsided, but I'm sure it'll come back and it came back over and over and over every time he said right now Every time he fucking said that it was over they started calling the bitch's man again I can't wait for the photo shots, right? That's another couple My life I tell you this guy ace no shame. It just feels you couldn't kill the fucker It feels good to get it a cool

They even put his balls in a vise, but they were too small His little balls kept slipping out of the vise. They kept slipping out like peeled grapes That's so funny the bitch ass man because that is what your nuts look like too little peeled They're not that small slippery slippery little pudgy, you know, I just have a lot of scrotum. They're not that small But that's exactly right too much scrotum. It's all skin. We all took our it's like the way it's like the way an owl Looks big, but have you seen its actual skeleton? You know what? I'm gonna stop you right there You just found a roundabout way to just shit on ours They do though they look all puffy and shit bird. What do you think that's what I mean though?

But they were the size of a cat Yeah, dude. I'm fucking pissed. They're not muscular. They just weigh like 15 pounds. Yeah, I thought they were strong as shit had big ass muscles They are they're all talents. Yeah. Yeah, they've just got a lot of plumage, dude But that's what I'm saying though. Okay. No plumage. No disrespect to owls But I'm saying Adams balls are like a bird with a lot of plumage This skin is like the feathers and his little ass balls are like a tiny frail Listen, I don't want to so avi avi air. Is it aviaries aviators No, no, I don't want to avian avian is what I'm looking for

His nuts are like a tiny frail little avian skeleton. He's very he's got an aquiline features Not just in face I don't want to sow division between the two of you because it sounds like you're having a lot of fun But it does Um, don't even know how important owls don't even try it. Do you know that owls are a symbol? Your owls are a symbol. You're nuts. Why are you're not seasoned so frail like a bird skeleton one. I already addressed it All right, and we've just reiterated No, we I don't know if we have because we are we understand conflict. It seems like he's still shitting on the owls

My problem was okay, and then he clarified that it was about calling your balls tiny and I said motion to allow It's not sustained. It's not even a good analogy. It's not even a good analogy for Motion to allow this to compare testicles to bones doesn't make any sense. It's not a good analogy. It's a beautiful analogy Hey, there are plenty of small balls. There are plenty of small balls. It's a beautiful elegant analogy. You know it Balls Just as long as you guys are having fun small balls. I'm having fun watching small balls Small balls small balls. My testicles are fine

My testicles my testicles are fine. No No No, bitch. Oh, here we go. That's why I'm trying to get this super punch out guy going small balls Small balls. There we go Small balls small balls Anyway, your body is a lot like that guy tyson fury I'm a lot like small balls have a weight champion of the world. Yeah, that's good, man Mm-hmm, dude fury. I'm kind of mad Wilder's costume was awesome

He fury had a throne dude fury was cool. But the for the fucking he's buddy. He said he played that fight already happened Yeah, have you watched it? No, I was in dc. I was in Vegas But I saw a lot of lads out on the strip who came in town for the for the fight We came to see all our lead He's a hero for our country Oh, I don't even what is he? Oh, yeah, he's gypsy gypsy. Isn't he? Well, he's the gypsy king. But yeah, he's like a northerner He's a northern brit english. Yeah I like because his body's fucked up and like weird

He's just got a big belly. He's got a belly and wilder's cut of shit But I he's got the same body as big Lenny. Yep Six pack guys have been losing in in uh heavyweight fights. Well, no that other guy anthony joshwood Lost that fucking guy that looks like that motherfucker like fluffy, but he lost the second one though He he lost another one. They lost no no josh will beat him in the rematch fluffy. Yeah, was he doing his sound effects? Yeah, yeah I don't I don't I'm not familiar with gabriel and glacis to stand up. He does a lot of sound effects The first manager I ever had in comedy was like, um

Um, bro, the first thing we need to do with you is get you a killer website. This is like Because I went a very long time without having representations. This is probably 2014. I remember this guy. Yeah Um, that was the same man Brandon had the same man. Yeah, that guy's so oh that guy That guy sucked Brandon told me one time he called him up and he's like, what's up, man? He's like just at my office practicing my twerking And it's like he doesn't know what that means. He just saw it on the internet That guy bought me and Brandon lunch once so in my book. He's okay because he's getting fed you food He fed me that's all it takes a chicken cutlet. Yeah, he was like we're thinking something like gabriel and glacis his website

And I'm like, what do you mean something like that? It's a popcorn all over He's like we think this is a killer website Who's going to a website? Oh, yeah, it's who's going to a website, but it's also like What makes you think a web like people are like, you know what I like about gabriel and glacis is that his website is killer That's the only way I typed in comedians with best website website comedian to go see in the valley Dude that guy sells out stadiums. He's huge. Yeah, he had his special his last special was like with part in a partnership with AT&T Like they were they played an AT&T You're a mexican guy. You can just tour the south and all you do is just say things that mexicans do

It doesn't even need to be a punchline respect. They're like you ever remember tacos and they're like That's true. We be in tacos They're like, you know when you turn 15, you don't have a birthday. You have a quinceanera. That's different It's a different thing. You tell a white person that they're like, what the hell is that? They're like, well, you know, it's a cultural thing I watch I watch the beginning go writer. You ever hear of those things? That's the car goes up and down when I wanted to you know, because mexican people they love elevators They say, why don't my car be an elevator? I want my car to be an elevator

I want my car to be an elevator. I mean like because these It was those george lopas specials and they would just do like one clip from each one And you know, the clip would be like The first special it was like some kind of funny observation about mexicans and then by the very last one It's like all mexican people got a haunted room in their house They do believe in ghosts like all right, this feels like you're reaching. Yeah, they do definitely believe in ghosts Santoria, dude. No, that's jamaican. I don't practice, but it's famous mexican band the famous mexican band Santana you mean santana carlo santorino talking about colorless santorino famous mexican

Are you talking about the you're talking about the famous sublime sublime So they weren't heroes in mexico. So they were from long beach and not on my butt shoes and then I got my ass down there not on my butt shoes That put that one up hang that one in the hall of the rafters, dude That one that one like got me through jet lag Dude, that was like I was running two hours of sleep every night walking around tokyo in the rain thinking about eviscerating myself And then I would just think about Suck on my dick fuck my ass and then not on my butt cheek, dude when I was in the shower

And I we weren't listening to that song. He came out of no and I'm just in the shower. It came to me. I was like, thank you Lord, you saved us I don't even take credit for that one that one was given to me by a higher power Yeah, that's how god came through you. Yeah There's like a really good interview actually speaking of carlo santana where he's just like Where it's him and bob dillon on tour together in the early 90s And every answer to every question he's like he's like god comes into me And then he goes into my fingers and he plays the guitar for me that rocks

Yeah, and then every bob dillon answer is like, I don't want to be time game. No, he doesn't talk like that. I'm fucking gay My music's like this. My music's for gay guys who look like me. Wish they were cool because I'm the one guy who did it That's not true. He has a very diverse audience wrong No, it's basically just Jewish guys. Everyone that loves bob dillon looks exactly like bob dillon Well, that'd be cool. He's a good looking guy. No, he's not He's literally just bob dillon I can't imagine bob dillon working at fucking radio shack and thinking anybody goes That guy is hot

It's a good looking guy I would say stop talking about bob dillon, dude. Can we just move on? I'm sorry. I brought him up Dude, he said the n-word. I watched when I got when I got but that's why I don't like him. Yeah, dude He's canceled for saying the n-word In the hurricane He's trying to free a man. Yeah. Oh, he's trying to free me His classic song good job Katrina It is funny when he really emphasizes the n-word in that song. I know that's why he's canceled. Um

Yeah, I was watching a gabriel at glaceous special because I got my I got a new tv and it was in ultra hd on netflix Streaming and I watched the first 10 minutes because they had they were like, we have the new fluffy special in uhd And uh, fuck. Yeah, the beginning of the special it takes place in Chicago people find out he's white Yeah There was just doing There was that picture of kim kardashian who had who's like, uh, she's like, oh, I'm so pale That's why I use like body makeup. She literally just wears a thin layer of blackface every day. Yeah, she makes you looking crazy Me too. I do I do I do tinting. Yeah, oh really body makeup. Yeah, that's why you do very slight black face

And then you go around, you know talking to black people you're like, what's up, man He's like, I'm good. Why are you smiling so much? Why are your lips so red right now? Why do you keep whispering jackass at the end of every sentence? Dude, I've been laughing He's into my body. This is barely wearing black. I'm jackass. This is secret blackface What was that oh nothing nothing It would be awesome if they did that there's like, oh, hey, Steve. Oh, oh, it's stevo Do you go to the Bahamas or something? Mm-hmm? He's like, no, he's like, no, I was in New Hampshire

Canvassing for elizabeth warren stevo big elizabeth warren guy with the homies That would be awesome if they just start reaching for celebrities They're just getting like the bottom of the barrel now. Well, they did I was in the first two jackass Actually, my grandmother horse off that they suck my grandma would sit me down and say liz You were in the first two jackasses And that's what I was raised to believe Elizabeth warren has been endorsed by rap rap himself Himself just bought a barrel jackass guys

Cky indoors My family Lauren was that I was in this the in Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift I was told that by my family And do I think it got me the job at Harvard? Probably not Probably did probably weren't just saying we're hiring anyone who was in Tokyo drift It probably had something to do with my ability as a lawyer probably But is it funny to say it's because I lied and said I was in Tokyo drift. Yes Yeah, hell yeah

Jack black is a big He came out for a warren yesterday. What's the other guy? I wouldn't even look like while she's having sex. It's probably like That's my favorite line in Saving Silverman when I was a kid. Yeah, that movie guy's girl. The guy's girlfriend leaves him for a mime Oh, yeah, I forget about that. What does a mime even look like when he's having sex? He's probably like I'm Moms don't talk

He's like they do When they're having sex Dude, I remember being pissed off First you know what because I remember thinking that I thought that was so funny Yeah, and then it stopped being funny and now that I'm an adult. It's funny. It's pretty funny. It's a good movie. They do When they're having sex Yeah, just an idiot who's so caught He just doesn't care

He's just gonna keep powering through. Yeah, I know that vibe brother. Oh, yeah. Yep Yeah No, I love that movie. I used to watch that movie like Every week it was on tv all the time too, but you didn't have cable But it was on comedy central during the day all the time. I would we rented it from the library I was pissed off for Jason Biggs when he ate a pussy and she wouldn't do nothing back It's a good movie. It's also what and I wanted to fuck as a kid Inform me about the the musical stylings of mr. Neil diamond. Yeah, because they were cooler than bob dillon by the way

No, he they're both cool. Okay They're both wow bob dillon's cooler, but they're neil diamonds. Also very cool. Wow gave me the opportunity to stick up for bob dillon Bob Dylan sucks My dick is small and fuck bob dillon bob dillon sucks. You don't actually have to take his dick He's small. You don't have to take such a strong Bob Dylan's games I like something just because I like Adam's dick is small as shit. It's small. It's small. It's small Well, I heard he's back in the studio. Actually. Yeah, nice. Yeah, no one was saving silver

We we are well. We got to do the stand after but god bless you boys. It's just arlie ermie rocks in that movie Oh, yeah, isn't he gay with jack black? Yeah, he's like Like that's pretty cool. What happened to the bitch and he's like we ate her and he's like that's smart Yeah, he becomes gay with jack black That movie is good as fuck It's really funny Steve's on The big zone you should get more work, dude. What was Steve's on?

I feel like zon was in everything, but I don't think he's got like one thing that stands out Probably saving silver meant that he was in a lot of shit. You know a lot of weird movie fucking rocks that people forget about is joy ride With martin lorenz with paul walker steve's on and I forget who the girl. Yeah, that movie is great. I don't know that movie is sick He did one with martin lorenz Was it a cop? They were cops or something? Yeah, it's called. I think it was from freshman year black cop black cop white cop There were so many movies in that era that

He was at that movie without a paddle that I've never seen but was also on comedy central every day undeclared Undeclared was a tv show Was it the one of my thinking you're thinking of the one with jona hill and uh tv show No, no, I know the way that it was like it was a pretty funny tv show too No, no the one with jona hill is like a hot dog or some shit. That's uh With justin long. No, that's that's the one. Yeah, where they make their own college. Oh, there was undecided. That might be undecided Yeah, there's a bunch of something there's a bunch of those like fucking college movies Yeah, and the road trip fall out and someone asked me about my wiener. Is that what he yells?

Steve's on was also in a dramatic movie. We're dead man on campus. Yeah, that's older though That's that is older That was so fucking stupid if your roommate dies you get straight a's What if your pot your podcast co-host dies and then you continue doing the podcast with shane gillis Wait, is shane? Well, we have a list of people that we would add. I told thomas Just thomas hill from twitter. Hold on. Let me just pause for a second. What makes you think you can make any decision? I'm friends with him now after because after you quit twitter now Now I took as if I respect your religion. I took your friends

I took your friends after you got kicked off of twitter. No, no, you didn't. Yeah, I did No, they see right through it. Your boys chat. They just added me. They see right through it. They know Now we're we're all I'm saying all the stuff nick was said and uh, yeah, it's pretty fun actually But they miss you. I mean, I'm it's not like I'm trying to replace you but Wow, good bit, dude Really? Well, at least with this dude wasn't recorded because it's pause. Yeah, we go really funny stuff making fun of my twitter ban I'm not making fun of it, dude. You know, you know, nick fucking I tweeted hashtag for you nick fucking something as sensitive as that dude. You're gonna just

You know, it's always gonna mock me for I know you were just kidding when you said you hope everyone dies from coronavirus It's clearly a joke. It's it shouldn't have been banable. Yeah, really funny bringing that up Do you even want to go through with the rest of the episode? Should we even unpause this? I'm sorry for bringing that up. I'm really tired of this kind of abuse. I just toxicity. I just want to say sorry You are toxic. I don't you know that right? I'm not talking not in a fun britney spears way. No, not No, I am a sexual style of toxic. That's absolutely not That's toxic Yeah, you're toxic in that sense

You know what I mean? I don't know the rest of the song goes something like that Dude, I've been laughing all day about what jota told us right before the show Yeah, that was one of the funniest things I've heard. This is one of the funniest things I've heard Right there. Jonah was like, yeah In like, uh, 2005 I met this guy who was uh, 22 at the time and his name was uh, austin powers Holy that poor fucking god, dude. That's so awesome. Can you imagine after the first movie comes out? He's like all right another three years. It'll die down. No one will remember this movie Then a trilogy of films. Yeah, and then he's like, all right, like maybe and now 20 years later. It's like still

Oh, yeah, yeah, baby. Yeah, it's worse now. It's probably worse. Yeah It's worse because it's like to be named austin Oh god That was killing me. He's got to change his name. Yeah It is such a fuck because I was saying, you know, it's like if that guy gets pulled over Even if he's never didn't have his single drop alcohol, he's getting it to you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, buddy Why don't you go? Yeah, him trying to get into any club if you look sort of young. All right, you're done He's definitely thought of ending at all

You know, killing himself because his name is austin powers. He's just k. Can you imagine just I think he would think about Changing his name before he thought about killing himself and he changed his name to Kenny powers That would be cool because he's never seen the show Kenny Kenny is not Kenny's a white trash name Yeah, austin powers austin powers are good with that take it out of the context of the movie How did we get on that? Oh nick what you were saying about the guy you you're abusing Used a prank

What are you talking about? Oh, no, that's how we got on it. He told that story before I told that one My dick is small and it smells bad Would you please suck my little smelly dick? I'm gay and I want to have sex Austin powers It is funny My dick's fucking small My dick's fucking small

I'm gay Let's do a power ranking of the Britney Spears videos we checked off and it was back in the next cell days and some like Daylight where a guy's phone started ringing and toxic was his ring telling him And all his black dudes on the bus started laughing at him and he didn't understand why he was being laughed at That's so good That's so much better than him getting embarrassed You're being confused It's just like

Hello You guys don't listen to the radio One, two, three, it's not cool, be unburrito Yeah That was the conversation Yeah, yeah, of course It was counting the three Saying the three

The three The three The three Saying the name of the Yeah, hello Hamburger, cheeseburger Yep, cowboy My dad, my mom

Where's the bathroom? Good, good, hello Ah, fuck Anyway, what are some of your most jacked off to Britney Spears videos? Well, I remember when she first got the fake titties in the second music video For some... Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide Cause in...

Maybe one more time she had small titties And then she got them made way too big And for that She had a white top on Yes, and her nipples were poking through Is that the one where she's like Around the Grand Canyon and shit? No, she was at like a pier on that one

Something The Grand Canyon was Not yet a girl, not yet a woman I jacked off to that one big time It sucked that when we finally saw a girl Becoming a woman Female liberation When we finally saw her pussy

It was in that car picture Awful I just thought it was I thought it was cool just that Where you get to see it I thought it was cool when she sucked that guy's dick on the balcony Did she do that? Kevin Federline

Yeah, they're like on a balcony Shouts out to Kevin That guy rules dude He's like uh Just like fucking James Woods in Casino He's like a No, he's more He's like a

Whatever you're gonna say He's not, I mean he's on a pimp Mine's better than yours What did you have Adam? I was just gonna say A 35 year old wigger That hit the jackpot Interesting

I don't think he's a lot like James Woods in Casino I don't know how good that was James Woods in Casino is wearing Fishnet tank tops That's true You got me there Alright, thank you Thank you for acknowledging that I got you

Because I did I don't know what's so funny I was saying something from earlier Yeah, I'm remembering A guy I saw Yeah, Kevin fucking rocks dude He does rock Everybody got fat as shit

Awesome, all those guys have to do that And they still get pussy somehow probably Yeah Justin Bieber looks great now by the way Have you seen him? He looks just like a fucking guy from Hampton He just looks like For Baltimore trash

Right, yeah And then he's always smiling Which makes it even better So much better Apparently he says he's got Lyme's disease And that's why he looks like that No How do you get Lyme's disease?

I don't even really know what it is A tick sucks your little cock Jason Weems had it for a while And he has kids and shit Where's Jason Weems? Still in Baltimore One of the funniest guys out there So funny Sometimes I fuck

Sometimes I suck Yeah, I think it was I'm not a girl, not yet a woman video In the canyon? You jacked off to that one? Because her abs look good and her titties You jacked off to abs? I jacked off to abs and titty combo, yeah for sure

Yeah, look at this, look how good he looks He looks like us He looks like Nick kind of Yeah, oh yeah He literally looks like Baltimore Trash Yeah, let me get some pussy Hair's just bleached for some reason Yeah, I'm gonna go down to Haas

Get me some fucking ice creams with my EBT cord Yeah, I'm gonna get some highs I'm gonna go down to Haas You guys remember Haas Market? No, I'm not from Baltimore Shut up dude I'm looking at this Britney Spears thing

I'm not yet a woman Yeah, she's like Him and I guess Shia have been elevated to I watched Honeyboy I'm sort of like the Jesus Christ and Muhammad of my personal life Oh yeah

I watched Honeyboy, mad guy Oh yeah, this is the one I definitely Yeah, definitely jacked off to this You jacked off to her Her ass looks really good too That's when low rise jeans were really in Oh, I remember That's why you had to jack off to whatever was around

Dude, I know Did girls in your school used to show their thongs in class? No Adam saw girls doing that and he didn't understand it was like a gender trend Everyone has their thongs

showing I can't show up to school on Monday I gotta walk around with this fucking thong No dude, I didn't wail That's what happened I didn't do that dude Everyone was like what are you doing

and it happened That did not happen There's another one I'm thinking of too I definitely jacked off to this one but there's one that I'm also confusing it with I mean Toxic was the sexy one with the snake That one was like too on the nose

Oh, you liked her being a little bit more to mew or a little bit more innocent That was a song from her movie Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman Crossroads With RIP, Rest In Peace, Brittany Brittany Murph, Baby Girl

I Miss You Every Day Got fucked by Eminem in the fucking storage room in an 8 mile And she was the voice of Luanne Brittany Barfi How about that

You fucking asshole Stop that dude Stop trying to be fucking Ari Shafir all the time They did not go Shafir Brittany Murphy died More like Murphy's law She's being a cunt The law is

for a bitch you have to die That's pretty funny Her body's not even cold yet I can't remember when she died And I think they had the same birthday They were the exact same age What are the odds

He was like That was clearly like a filing error God's made a mistake A clerical problem It should have been me They're drinking like a 40 at 10 o'clock in the morning Sometimes I fuck

Sometimes I suck Maybe I did jack off to Lucky Lucky music video Lucky from Lucky Charms Definitely the one with Beyonce Bonnie and Clyde You dragged off to the JC parts

No, no you did You dragged off to the JC parts Obviously the Beyonce parts It was pretty gay He's not even a good looking guy He does have big lips though And they were girls lips You would get some

I'm just saying isolate Jay-Z's lips Put them on a woman It's not the worst thing in the world No, I don't want her to have his mannerism She gives me head It's the rock I don't want her to say stuff like that That's such a good Jay-Z impression

I got it from Aries Spears That's really good Shut up Nick You've been having an attitude today It's another attitude day It's another attitude day I walked through the door And I knew it was an attitude day

Maybe tomorrow is not going to be an attitude day But today I said can you That's a really good impression No, you said wow Adam That's a really good impression Or like when you said wow Adam That's a really good bit

You did your sarcastic voice Just by the words he said though He's not wrong What you're doing is you're reading too much into things Yeah, you're reading into the subtext Dude, you know I can't stop reading You know the only thing I care about is the show And the quality of the show

And I would never do anything to derail The momentum Yeah I'm like a conductor Sure, sure, sure I did my pointer To point at you and I say now it's your turn First chair gay flute

First chair skin flute Skin flute Now suck that fucking flute off With your little Jay-Z impression And show, yeah it's your time to shine baby Baby girl Skin flute is such a good use Skin flute is awesome

It's such a good word for penis That's what I got A bunch of dials and buttons Yeah It's a dick cover Skin tags Different settings Abscesses

My skin flute like Indian burns and shit My skin flute like Jethro Toll baby You play the skin flute like Jethro Toll I don't play it dude That means you're good at it My dick is like the flute from the guy from Jethro Toll

And he doesn't play it either I just remembered Indian burns, it's cool how those work Those hurt dude Until you build up a tolerance to it You got a tolerance for it? Do you Indian burn your own dick? I had the Indian burn my own dick, yeah My dick has gotten Indian burned by like

My fucking fucking horse skin I thought I had Genital herpes And I went to the doctor And they said Liz this is just Indian burn And I said I had no idea And that's how I knew I was Cherokee

And she said how dare you, that's offensive Yeah, that term is offensive Liz My grandma said to me Liz You better drink the piss And that was in a saying around our house You gotta drink the piss

You gotta drink the piss If you got in trouble My me ma had a big ol' glass of piss That she'd bring out Microwave it up And get it piping hot And you'd have to drink that piss all the way down As fast as you could

And I'd go to school And my face would be beet red And they'd call me Tomahawk Liz the piss drinker And that's From that day on I knew I was Indian Did you see Joe Biden Literally say he's running for senate

My man's brain He also just completely lied About getting arrested Trying to free Nelson Mandela That's awesome dude, I love Biden I'm back on one of him Now I want him to be president Oh no, if it's not Bernie I'm voting for him

I'm writing in Biden I love all the fails I love the fails Oh yeah Can I get one of those plantainships No dude, they're for me I still have half your sandwich Can I get a bite of this sandwich

I can't wait to vote for Michael Boomburg I can't wait to get a Stan Berger tonight They definitely, oh fuck Should we, yeah, Stan Berger I can't wait to vote for I want the president to be the witch guy I think the president should be witch Very good dude

Not even Barely contributing to the show And then getting up to make yourself snacks What did you say, barely contributing? Well I'm off Mike Yeah, literally not contributing Shut the fuck up Shut up

Shut the fuck up Damn See, none of this would have happened If you just continued doing that beautiful JZ impression Like he has There we go It's the rock Thank you

Thanks bro Thanks Stavros for the positive reinforcement You should do a whole song Plantainships are good, huh Plantainships are good, huh I like the lime I like the lime with the garlic I wish they would have mixed it

The garlic I love putting garlic in my I put the garlic Inside of my house She worked off being gay That way the gay vampires Cannot fuck me in the Ace

They can't fuck me Keep your M6 You have a vampire dick What do you guys know about Piccadilly Circus? In London It's like a circle Is that it?

It's not actually a circus What? It's a traffic circle You should start dressing like a clown I feel like the clothes would be comfortable for you Clothes honestly in terms of fit look awesome Yeah, like a onesie Big collar

I would love real loose Big soft buttons Nice fucking loose Tapered pants Ruffled sleeves You would look good as a clown I would honestly Thank you for that

A little derby hat with a flower on it We should start dressing like clowns I'm going to be a vest clown One of the ones that's got a little vest I definitely want a big Balding curly red wig I would need to be a wig clown On the sides?

But I would want it to be balding I don't want to be Maybe I should make my beard clown colors Like rainbow When we go to Australia We should dress as clowns For every live podcast And never explain it

We should tell them that's American style New York style They can't talk shit to us here I might become So opposed to comedy That I just get into being a clown I remember one time when I was young Literally become the Joker

Oh dude, hell yeah Hell yes dude Joaquin They're going to make another one of those? What? They're making a girl version All the girls are like, no it's going to be Joker It's going to be bad It's dangerous

We have to cancel the movie And then it does well We need to have a girl Joker That one looks good But no one's going to see it It's not doing well Dude's Rock I heard it's pretty fun

I'm about to go Fellas, we're part of Dude's Rock You understand We're not on the road We're not doing promo for the girl You're right I might go see it Promo for my show in Phoenix next week

Adam will force himself To stand up alive To impress girls I thought it was better than the guy Joker I actually thought it was better It was amazing I'm not like that with girls anymore You know that Nick

I don't know it dude I don't keep abreast Of how you are with girls I don't say that kind of stuff to girls anymore You start talking about girls And I just start thinking about tools I just zone out No you don't, that's not true

That's not true I'm thinking of all kinds of different tools I could use to build a better world For the people who come next I'm not thinking about such immediate pleasures And trials and tribulations I'm thinking about How am I going to improve mass transit

And I'm thinking about getting top I'm thinking about Getting sucked off Chinese immigrants And they understand how voting works And they finally figure out that they're allowed to vote Because that's the other thing people don't understand There's actually 18 million people

Living in Chinatown They could swing at every election Only like seven of them You know fill out the The consensus And so the city has to estimate The population in New York is like 10 million but it's actually somewhere close to

1.2 billion people And they're all Chinese I did not know that Once they realize their political potential It's over for the rest of us I'm going to go down there You're going to organize We're calling it Ting Tamini

It's the new Tamini You're going to be the president of them Don't you think they would prefer a Chinese president? No they prefer Nick They need Irish guys to show them How to be corrupt the fun way Nick's going to shave his beard It's going to be like two long hairs

On either side of it I'm going to stay exactly the same No I think you're going to do kind of a confusion look A stovepipe hat Just going around Twirling a cane around speaking Chinese to the locals Full suit Stovepipe hat

We're going to bust you all down to the polls You're going to vote multiple times They won't be able to tell a difference They won't be able to tell a difference That's smart Using western racism Are you going to pay them to vote? Apparently Bloomberg

Is kind of doing that right now He's giving people free food In North Carolina He's giving people barbecues And macaroni and cheese People are eating it We're getting people macaroni and cheese And they love macaroni and cheese

I'm going to listen to how he sounds I feel like I could do him It sounds like you No that's not true Nick You just do it again? No it's like I worked hard for my money And that's how I got it When are you going to start doing the impression?

That's not how I sound dude That's a good Bloomberg I'm not doing Bloomberg I'm doing my regular voice That's really good Bloomberg I've built companies and I'm giving most of my money away Go back to doing the voice Come on dude give me one Give me one Nick

I'll give you one I use the computer all of the time To look at child pornography I know how to use the computer I got to listen no more but here's the thing Impressions Adam can do zero I can do impressions You can do impressions Nick

Give him JZ No I stole that from Aries Spears What? Did you ever see him do a freestyle I'm incredible I've never done a JZ impression He said I stole all my impressions from you And clearly you've never done a JZ impression

I've never done a JZ impression I opened for him at the Baltimore Comedy Factory Like nine years ago and it's literally the hardest I've ever seen anyone crush in my life He's so talented And it was like he was just calling people gay Like doing DMX That's the thing man it's like all of these idiots

Got in the comedy thinking it's like It requires being capable of thinking at all And it doesn't it requires one thing Being funny which you're not Not only like It was so funny because he clearly wouldn't go He wouldn't leave He wouldn't you know

That's the word I'm looking for When it's to get away from something Flee Depart No fuck Abscond You're closer though He wouldn't abscond

It's kind of like fuck Look at my hands No fuck Oh my god I'm so stupid There's a word in my head That means escape Not quite like deviate

He wouldn't deviate from his said That means escape Yup He wouldn't deviate at all because Yeah that's pretty much it He was running like the shows were They asked him to cut his time by five minutes And he just never would

The exact same way every single time And I respected it including the crowd Calling somebody gay In which he said if you can take a dick You can take a joke anytime a gay person Was mad at his homophobic jokes And it crushed Everybody beat up that gay man

If you can dodge a wrench You can dodge a ball Alright Peter the legend The young legend Rip My ass open Hey come see me in Phoenix next Thursday The 5th

And then Tucson on the 6th The 191 tool Have you been in Tucson? Also I'll be on tour if you go to bandsintown.com You can buy tickets Louisville, Nashville, Chicago, Milwaukee Chicago, Indianapolis Pussyville, USA

Something in Ohio I used to get it in Ohio Cameron Yeah go see Nick He's in Youngstown, Ohio He's in Sandusky, Ohio Suck Dixky, Ohio He's in Dayton

I used to get it in Ohio That was a good ass song Damn I would love to just cave my own skull under the hammer Why? I don't know I just thought about it for a second No you wouldn't that would hurt It would hurt but it would be brutal

Which is bad I returned to Valhalla You were never in Valhalla It's not a hero's death I go to precipice and I cave my own skull under the hammer No they won't beat you in Valhalla Yes they will Yes they will

Not for that You're not even Norse You're not even from Northern Europe No you're not You're some sort of Irish That's not Northern Europe No it's not It's literally not

What is it? Western Europe? No it's part of the Isles The Isle of Man That's part of Northern Europe You fucking idiot Ireland is not part of Northern Europe So Ireland is part of Southern Europe then No Northern Europe is Scandinavia

Scandinavia is Scandinavia That is Scandinavia And Northern Europe are interchangeable terms It's not Southern Europe Don't fucking start with me in geography Oh is that your topic? Ireland is... Oh my god

I was with you until you said don't start with me in geography I was on your side And then you said that very gaily Well no Nick just said it with that smug You don't Let the adults decide I just googled Northern Europe

Which countries are in Northern Europe? Not Ireland Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Iceland, Latvia, Lithuania So the Baltic states And fucking Sweden Baltic states are not Scandinavia And Scandinavia So you just said Scandinavia was synonymous

with Northern Europe It's often referred to as Northern Europe But not Ireland Where's Ireland then? I never said Ireland was in fucking Scandinavia You said Northern Europe And it's not Southern Europe

No one has ever referred to Ireland as Northern Europe Or part of Northern Europe No one says Northwestern That's not a thing People don't say that You have to give a direction If somebody said where in Europe is fucking Ireland

You would say it's a Northwestern European Okay if people say the Midwest It's not actually in the Middle West That's just a term that people use Here's another thing It's actually in the Middle East of America The Northern and Western Europe region Includes economies from Northern Europe

Ooh This IUPY Erography Ireland, Wikipedia, location Northwestern Europe So let's see this Region of Europe Overlapping Northern and Western Europe

Ireland is not part of Northern Europe It's Austria, France, Germany, Netherlands and Switzerland This one says Ireland, Norway, Sweden and the UK That's bullshit The University of Indiana P-U-I Northern Europe might be defined roughly

to include some of the following areas British Isles, Fenno Scandia the peninsula of Jutland and the Baltic Plain that lies the east and the many islands that lie offshore from the mainland Northern Europe and the main European continent It's the Baltic and Scandinavia

Here's Northern Europe It's the Wikipedia page That's not Ireland, that's Iceland Northern Europe Stop, just go to Northern Europe Wikipedia page That's where I'm at All you have to do is scroll down the geography

and it says the British Isles It's not Northern Europe People don't call it that It's here right here No one calls it that Here's Wikipedia, including it Okay, well let's leave it up to the fans to decide Historically when Europe was dominated

by the Roman Empire everything not near the Mediterranean region was termed Northern Europe 2000 years ago Citation needed And there's no citation Look, I think you're both wrong

Very solemnonic stuff Well here's the thing, the statement I said is that Ireland is in Northern Europe he said that's wrong and then he said that Europe is synonymous with Scandinavia Oftentimes which has been proven to be outright incorrect In my head I would have

actually assumed he was right until the proof Adam was the only one that was explicitly completely wrong You're explicitly wrong by saying that Ireland is Northern Europe No, I've demonstrated that it is not inaccurate to describe Ireland I would say that it's not

there's an argument to be made that it is but that it's not I wouldn't necessarily say You could have said you're not Scandinavian, which is what you meant but you said Northern European which includes... You opened up the door for him to sneak his little way in

And once again you were wrong And now he gets into the Valhalla because of the technicality You're not in the hammer You're not in the horse Right in there Nick is not Norse Norse is a religion, anyone could be Norse

You can just decide to be Norse Right now I'm Norse I've decided I'm Norse I've embraced religion No, you're culturally appropriating it with your beard There's no cultural appropriation is the thing black people came up with No, that's not true

It's a thing for blacks and Indians It's a thing that white people made up for black women for black women to talk about For black women to talk about That's very funny, Nick Yeah, well, I'll see you on the I'll see you in court

I'll see you in court I'm not going to Valhalla, dude I'm going to Mount Olympus, dude Where am I going? Hell? No, Jews don't have hell You're going to Galhalla It's a ladies bathroom gossip about the guys who are on dates

They're like, we all have to go to the bathroom together Well, it's going to be for eternity Yeah, that's right, I'm going to be hanging out with chicks Yeah, that's true Talking about guys No, not talking about guys, just hanging out with them No, because it's cool to have female friends

Me and all my vikings laughing while living in internal pain like we want to have our organs ripped out of our bodies and set on fire I'm having an ambrosia and getting my dick sucked totally staring into the mirror half harpies type bitches

half women, half fucking Falcons Falcons with big ass titties and nice fat lips like Jay-Z As Europeans We have a rich like, you know, kind of pagan history Absolutely, and Adam has none of that They only ever had one god

They're like, we're going to save money Jews really had no fucking What's wrong with that? Imagination What's wrong with monotheism? It sucks It's not cool Your gods don't like fuck bulls and cows Our one god gets very jealous

whenever we're not being nice to him He's a little bitch I'm like Zeus is out there getting pussy non-stop Our god is just smiting people for being rude for being disrespectful And he's like killing people that are fucking and sucking in the towers of Babel or whatever the fuck

of Sodom and Gomorrah Yeah And all those people were doing were fucking each other in the ass And that's that big a fucking deal and sucking each other's cocks? No That's kind of cool actually compared to what the fucking Jews were doing All their fucking boring rules not giving each other

It was in the Castro district San Francisco Yeah dude Sodom and Gomorrah sounds fucking awesome You know they were giving head easy over there You know there was a human toilet guy who just had his mouth open I don't understand that, I'm just saying there's lots of fun whores Sounds like The Bitchesman

That's right That's right Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me Uh, the fuck is that boosted on Adam Did you just curse at me? I called you homosexual I heard some kind of

homosexual That the fuck is that boosted on Adam Yeah this guy Ace was he was going to Greece and he was sucking guys off for practice I'm spending fucking $6,000 a year on airfare just to go to Greece to practice sucking guys off but that's how Ace was

crazy Jew fuck I just like that you're calling me Ace honestly The character's name is Ace The Bitchesman? So it's not me it's someone else It's you in the movie The Irishman but you're the Bitchesman and Joe Pesci's character is now

Nicky from Casino And Ace Rothstein I'm Ace Rothstein I'm playing Bobby De Niro I'm fucking cool dude I'm one of the No you're not I'm cool dude

Actually no I'm fucking Bobby D I'm Ace Rothstein I have my own talk show on the strip I got my gaming license revoked I'm taking on the government I'm married to well actually

You're just dragging someone in the back and Adam's like Come here see this you see this Let me show you something right now and he just pulls his pants down and sits on a Saibian The guy's like please stop he's like I'm coming right now You want to watch me fucking come You tell your friends you did this in the wrong fucking place He's like I'm sorry

I don't want to watch anymore I'm married to a woman who I give jewels and furs to even though she's still in love with her pimp X boy and that hits a little too close to home alright Don't be don't be sucking What are you talking about

Don't be sucking my dick I forget how what happens in casino is that James Woods has tank tops Yeah James Woods is like the pimp boy friend to Sharon Stone's character and Oh I thought doesn't Joe Pesci fuck her also Joe Pesci also starts fucking

They start fucking regularly and she's fucking him so that he'll kill Ace yeah and then she shows up and she's like ginger is a fucking evil character yeah she's like great she's horse you know she's like can you just kill him

he's like you think I'm gonna kill this fucker for some dumb whore and then she gets all mad that's awesome damn I gotta rewatch casino it's better than good fellas whoa it could be the best I rewatched both of them recently and casino is

by far you know I think it is better it's weird because I remember when I was in my late teens I had a copy casino and he didn't have good fellas and I rewatched casino all the time and I was always like man I should get good fellas because it's better right but I never did and then I didn't watch good fellas again until recently and it's like it's not

it's fine not good fellas rocks but I would say when was the last time you seen good fellas two years ago really yeah I was like bored by it not the beginning that once after the time jump they lose me a little bit I'm telling you

I was bored by it but maybe it's because I saw good fellas a billion times and I was like fucking but I mean I've seen casino a lot too it holds up and casinos just they both hold up it's so good like like you hold my nuts up in your mouth I've never done that sometimes

that's slanderous you've done it um yeah no actually you have you're still not on night mode on your phone that's my respect on that honestly I'm an old school type of guy

I'm on night mode but it's all just like in old English and all the user v's oh that's cool there's a lot of like heraldry dude I want to I wish I could go back in time and listen to old mother fuckers from like before English was a language talking to each other

oh yeah shit like that brrrr brrrr because nobody had teeth that's true god everybody must have smelled horrible too yeah

the pussy must have been bad the pussy was bad old English pussy was probably so bad damn that's why people got married because it was so disgusting here we are born to be kings we're the princes

our people never yes here we belong fighting to survive in the war with the darkest power thank you for listening to come down this is the last episode we're ever going to do

we're going to go to see come see me in phoenix next week stand up live phoenix here we are we're the princes of the universe here we belong fighting for survival

we're going to have to be the rulers of the universe here we belong fighting for survival we're going to have to be the rulers of the universe we're the rulers of the world

oh yeah I am immortal I have inside me blood of kings I have no rival now that can be my call take me to the future I'll live

oh yeah just doing that every show okay also guys that song April we're coming to Australia come town bought those two shows in Perth Brisbane

Melbourne other cities there solo shows at the melbourne comedy festival it's stalactites. Um, and so yeah, and also guys, um, if you like the podcast and you want twice as many episodes, okay, little old school on plug, go to a patreon.com slash come town and you have an access to the entire backlog. Okay. I was trying to help the show

out. That's how we make money for the show. All right. Patreon.com slash come town.