The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 201 – Oohs cawk mate?

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

OOOOOhs cawk issset then yeah??

Alright, I'm recording now and we're off and we're having sex. We're having sex. We're having, should we all just beat off on cam? Nothing is stopping us technically from just having gay sex over the internet with each other. Except that we're on like, now nine different services that have different like, you know. We're gonna get de-platformed. You think so? Yeah, cause somebody's gonna do something dumb.

And then, well, not us. What are you? Cause we're on, no, probably Adam. To be honest, I mean, come on. Who do you think, I say the shit, but Adam would be the one to do something that gets us kicked off YouTube and then in turn, Patreon. What are you talking about? Yeah. Should we just not be on YouTube? I like, but I got all these fun backgrounds.

I don't know. I mean, that's what I've been careful about. Smart. About YouTube. Cause it's like, I fear for like a cascade effect of de-platforming. I used to not care because it was always like, oh, I'll just go back to being a piece of shit. But now they don't have a piece of shit jobs anymore. I know.

Yeah. This is the only job left in America. It really is. I love podcasting now. Yeah. That's cute, Adam. Is that two guys that you've had sex with before as your background? I was on vacation a couple of times.

Are they still de-platforming people? Is that still going on? Um, I don't know. Imagine how much of a piece of shit you have to be. I feel like, to be 20, to be trying to get people fired now. Like Richard Spencer went away and... I can't, I couldn't hear what Nick was talking about. No, I'm sorry.

Adam was, Adam had something to say. Adam, this is actually, this is the problem with this technology. For some reason, your mic overrides Nick's for some cool twist of fate. Oh, it's interesting. I can't hear what Nick says. No. Not only is it interesting, I'm sure it'll make the show better too. The basic formula of the show, Adam, which is Nick says something and I laugh,

and occasionally you say something, is really thrown off. So I'm going to need you to just, when you see Nick talking, just kind of take an extra pause. Well, I just, I just got off the phone with Zoom, Zoom headquarters in Tel Aviv, and they said that they're working on it. I wonder if it's because your shit goes through like the machine or whatever. Mine?

Yeah, maybe. No, if you look, if you watch, if you watch the Zoom or the screen, it's like, you see how mine's green? Or there's a green frame or a window? Yellow, I would say yellow. Yeah, it's, whenever you interrupt somebody, it'll take the thing back. So Adam's usually interrupting. So that's why it'll.

No, no, no. We give it to each other. That's interesting because I've done a lot of podcasting over this internet with the various people, and you are the most interrupting guy I've ever experienced. I thought it was a unique problem that we were having because of technology, but it seems like it's just kind of your, kind of your problem as a communicator, Adam. Yeah, I wouldn't be so hard on Nick about interrupting all the time.

Anyway. Okay, I'll try not, I'll try. So go ahead. You were saying 2017? Yeah, something about Richard Spencer or something. I think I feel like Alex Jones got deep platform. A lot of people have deep platform. There was nothing funny.

I'm sorry. I'll just look good on this beach with my friends. Yes, you should. I like Bulma. Bulma is fucking hot, dude. Damn. I'm getting like Pokemon snap vibes from you, Stav. I want to take some, some snapshots with a limited amount of time.

I want to throw an apple at your head. Dude, I'm going full fucking anime, brother. Yeah. Hey, I love it. Honestly, I don't like anime. I could never get into anime, but hearing that you're into it now, nothing makes me happy. Well, I'm not.

Nothing makes me happy. Because it's healthy. I watched this one called Neon Genesis or whatever the fuck. And it was pretty cool for like, and it's a horny ass show. That's the thing. It's like, it's about little kids and basically, it's basically Pacific Rim with cartoons. Yeah. And it's horny.

Like they got big, like old bitches that are trying to fuck like children and shit. And they're drawn nice. Like these bitches are fucking, Miss Misato, look her up, dude. That bitch is nice. However, it, I don't want to spoil anything, but the ending is a fucking dog shit. Yeah. But they fight a bunch of... I'll tell you right now, you can go ahead and spoil it.

I promise you I'm not going to be watching Neon Genesis. Anyway, you know what though? Even though I didn't, I liked some of it, but I will say I haven't jacked off to Hentai in a while and it might get the gears turning on that again. Oh, I forgot your take about it being worldly. It is worldly. It's first of all... It's kind of like going to the Mongolian Grill.

Yeah. Absolutely. In Columbia. Does that, do you ever go to that one? I think there's a lot of them. It's a type of restaurant. I know, but the one in Columbia is fuck was RIP. It's gone now.

I tried to go back when I was visiting home. Yeah. Incredible. Just put a lot of sauces in there. We went to one, me and Ari Shafir went to one and did you ever do that casino in Oklahoma? Yeah. Maybe it's an Arkansas, the Cherokee Nation Casino. Yeah.

It was a good show. It's a good show and the fuck they pay well and then they gave you like, it's in a casino. So they were like, and here's coupons for the buffet. You get there the first night and you're like, I'm going to hit that up tomorrow. And it is the most disgusting food. The worst? Bro, I was so excited. I went there with Bobby and we had just gone to the one in Connecticut, Mohegan Sun.

Yeah. Oh, that was nice. And that buffet was fucking wild. That was fucking. I was like, oh, I'm about to have fucking, you know, fucking lamb and shit like that. I'm about to have fucking salads and shit. Yeah. This place was, it was slop bro.

It's disgusting. They might as well have served it in a fucking trough. And then they do like a bush gardens thing where it's like Asia, Europe. Yes. Yes. Like Europe is like pizza and macaroni and cheese. Yeah. And the Asia, the low main was literally spaghetti and teriyaki.

Dude, it was just, I mean, honestly, disgusting. And then it's like people from Arkansas that are like having like a burger. Like I told my wife, I was with the guys, you know, I'm at like the casino all weekend. And so there's like, I went to, I got like buffet meals probably three times. I was there just because it was free. Yeah. And every time somebody wanted to talk to me about how good the food was. Yes, dude.

Absolutely. And every employee was like, oh, you're going to love the buffet. But anyways, so the opener for the show, I like, you know, I mean, I didn't even have a say in it, but he was like, like my pay was higher than it should have been. And he was like, oh yeah, they just add my pay to yours. And I was like, what the fuck? You know, and he was like, because I'm an immigrant, so I can't get paid. Oh, I know that guy.

Yeah. Was it the Indian guy? It was the Indian guy. Yeah. He's a nice guy, but he's like, he just has, you know, I mean, he came for me. And then he works at like fucking Otis Sponkmeyer or some bullshit. Yeah. Yeah.

He works for like Smucker. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. He works for Smucker. And he can't leave that town. And that's the only thing he knows of like America is just like bullshit town and working the casino.

So he's like, you know, he's like taking us out to eat. He's like, man, there's a lot of really good restaurants around here. And he's like, it's like Panda Express, Donald's. And there's just. They took us to one place. They were like, these are the best burgers. Yeah. You will ever have in your life. Yeah.

Yeah. So we went to, we went to the Mongolian barbecue there. That's probably not bad because it's mostly just fucking sauces. It's easy, dude. It's marinated beef. Yeah. You go buck wild with the sauce. That's smart.

The fucking me and Bobby went and the fucking burger. And I was so excited to get off the fucking reservation to get off the fucking, to get off the fucking. Because I literally could not eat any more of that food. I was, I was like, I'm going to die here. Yeah. And I was like, great, we're going to another restaurant. Mm hmm.

These fucking burgers were like cafeteria fucking. And like, I'm not, I'm not joking. Like every random people that didn't know when they would find out we're going, they'd be like, oh, I'm jealous. You get to go to fucking, you know, whatever, the Stevie's burgers or whatever. And they were great. They didn't ask you how do you want it cooked? Yeah.

That's when someone says the burgers are great. And they're just like, great, a burger. Like there's no medium or medium rare. Right. And it was thick, dude. It was just like gray all the fucking way through. Yeah. Well, it's, it's fucks you up.

Cause like, you know, in Texas, you can just go to the middle of nowhere in Texas. And there's like plenty of places in East Texas where there's just amazing barbecue. Yeah. You know, and it's like a guy that probably found out that slavery ended like 20 years ago. That just has like a truck, half the truck is a barbecue. The gas tank has meat in it. Yeah.

And he's also used an outhouse. He's living in the cab with his nephews. And they got this. It's called like, like, uh, like Dorps barbecue. He's always got like some on him, on a P and name. Yeah. I'm not remember a life without barbecue. Yeah.

I'm my name, but in this, there go my barbecue. It's a barbecue, but it's also my house. And I drive, I drive it around sometimes. Just to fucking a truck with a screen door. Yeah. Instead of a closing door. Right. Just screen doors on the side.

All he's got is an apron on and he's completely naked. Otherwise. His feet are just. His feet have laces. Yeah. And he's got laces going up his fucking foot. Now my name's Buck. And this is like, there's just like flies giving birth on his hands.

And then he hands you a piece of fatty brisket. And it's the best thing you've ever tasted in your life. It's so good. Yeah. But then you go to other parts of the South and they're like, you got to try this. And it's like a fucking pizza hut that clearly used to be a blockbuster. It's still like the big ticket outside. It's called Earl's Pizza Hut.

And it's the fucking shittiest. It's the shittiest food you've ever had. They were like, dude, these people were like, I can't wait till we get a Starbucks. They were like. And then, yeah. Starbucks is nice. And then the Starbucks is just a place to make YouTube videos with your gun. It's a place to like, just like, your participation in the culture war takes place at Starbucks

with your nine millimeter because they won't write Happy Birthday Jesus on the cup. I can't wait to brandish my weapon to black man in a Starbucks. Right. I can't wait to throw John Legend CD on the ground and say, be gone, Satan. In those towns, the people that work at the Starbuckses are always like the lesbian like Septim Piercing. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Well, Starbucks flies them in from Seattle. Yeah. Yeah. They get them from HQ. Yeah. You need a fucking lesbian. You need a lesbian in a fucking polo just to run that fucking run that thing like a tight ass ship. People think that that's like the first station to getting out of that town.

Right. It's like getting a cosmopolitan worldview at Starbucks. You will meet. If there is a Jew in your town, they're going to go to Starbucks if there's nothing else. Yes. And that's the way out. They're like trapped. They're the way the fucking, they'll lead you out.

That's the station out of this damn town. Absolutely. Damn. I'm already tired with my food choices here because I stocked up. Would you eat, baby? I've just been eating a bunch of pickles. Famous Dave's. Stop.

Do you know about famous Dave's pickles at Costco? I'm not a pickle guy. People. Yeah. But no. Come on, man. The famous Dave's Triumph. I wasn't a pickle guy either.

You're going to make fun of me, but there's bubbies. Have you ever had that brand? It's not a brand thing. I can't get. It's pretty good. I think behind it, the fucking texture is weird. Stop. Listen to me.

I was not a pickle guy 10 years ago. I went to Norman Wilkerson's house and he had famous Dave's pickles in the fridge. And I was like, what? I was cat sitting or something. I ate all of their pickles. You know what you should do? I don't even think you should start pickling. You didn't even realize what he had on his hand.

What do you mean? Start pickling. Like just take. Yeah. Take like vegetables. I thought of pickling my own red. Because here's the thing. I love those pickled red onions.

You can do it in the microwave in like 30 minutes. What's that? If you put the vegetables in brine and put it in the microwave for 30 minutes, you can pickle them in like in 30 minutes. You can pickle things. Yeah. That doesn't sound right. No.

It works actually. Because my friend used to make his own. Because you need the cucumbers in there to make the brine taste like pickle juice. Like finished pickle juice. So he would make the brine, put the cucumbers in there, microwave it. You put it in the fridge for like a day. Interesting. And then you add it to whiskey.

And then that lets you drink an entire fifth of whiskey in 10 minutes. Yes. Picklebacks. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. The thing is, I just don't like a fucking cucumber in general. I'm not some of my fucking things.

Cucumber water is fucking disgusting. I'll pick up some other shit. I cannot stand cucumber water that infused shit. See, that's interesting. Because if I had to pick one byproduct of cucumber, I would choose cucumber water. Watermelon infused water. Now we're talking. Now that's a good shit.

That's something they serve up at ERPs. Yeah. It comes out of the windshield washing fluid reservoir. Yeah, we do ERP special tonic. It's a half fabuloso. He's got just... Half rainwater. On his chest just tattooed health grade Z.

He just failed every inspection ever. In a fucking infected stick and poke. You can just see that it's bubbling up. There's just pus. Then you're like, let me get one of the shoulder clods and it's delicious. The best. Yeah. You don't even care that his fucking amputate, gangrenous fingers served it to you with no fucking glove.

Me and Bobby had a nice day going down to Lockhart with Mike Suarez. Yes, I remember the story. Mike fucking threw away too much barbecue. Mike threw out probably, not even joking, close to a thousand dollars. We should find him and kill him. We should, especially now that food is so scarce. Dude, that's true. Yeah.

Maybe we should start raiding, dude. Go to your neighbors. Kill them. Take their fucking dijonos. Yeah. Is it purge rules yet? I saw videos of people just stealing from CVS and there's like nothing. Apparently the security won't arrest you or something.

Where? Interesting. There are videos of people going into CVS and just swiping. Damn. Nick just said there was probably a good burn to you. Yeah. I'm excited about not paying for gum. Just 35 cents.

Oh no, I'm not going outside, Nick. I'm not risking it with this virus. What? Even the prospect of free things aren't going to keep me outside. Get me outside. Yeah, they are, dude. Actually, I'd, yeah, I'm been yogging actually. It's a joke from Anchorman.

He calls jogging. Where are they looting CVSs already? I don't know. There are videos online. Check it out. There's rules, baby. No, I don't think there are. We should go rich people that have gone to like upstate to the Hudson Valley.

Their places are probably empty. Let's go down Madison Avenue, dude. It'd be funny. Go to like a rich person. You come back at the end of all of this and there's just, somebody's just taking a dump right in your foyer. There's just a bunch of homeless guys having an orgy in your apartment. Isn't that also an Anchorman joke?

No, I don't think it's Anchorman. What did he steal that from? Were they steal the car? Wolf of Wall Street, but it's not homeless guys. No, no, no. There's a movie where somebody's car is stolen and homeless Mike and the boys are having like an orgy. That's, that's with Will Ferrell.

It is a Will Ferrell movie. It's a Will Ferrell movie. Yeah, homeless Mike and the boys. That's right. I source most of my jokes from Will Ferrell movies. Yeah. It's on Diablo. It's a Whales Pussy.

Yeah, today at least that's where the jokes are coming from. So we'd like to thank Will Ferrell for this episode of, of Come Town. Yeah, shout out to Will Ferrell. Honestly, for real, shout out to Will Ferrell, dude. I love that guy. Adam, as a request, can you start stealing jokes from Tommy Boy in Black Sheep? Yeah. Yeah.

I miss those movies. So if you can just start, if you can get all your material from those two films. Yeah, I'll just do a, I'll do a Chris Farley, what do you call it? The blonde guy. Retrospective. If there's anyone, if there's anyone I could ask to have back for the pandemic, it would be Chris Farley. Imagine how much better he would be on like Vine or Tik Tok or whatever it is in all these

people. He'd be great. Just how would he be getting his heroin? I think that, I feel bad for junkies right now. How are they getting there? Had to remind us that the man was a fucking addict. No, I'm saying like, we're over here having a nice time remembering the good times. No, I was thinking about that.

How do people that like need to go to meetings? You're talking over Nick again? I'm talking over him, but he was saying something. What are people doing that need to go to like NA and AA? They can't go to meetings anymore. Literally this. Oh, probably zoom. Yeah.

But you could, but it's not anonymous. You can record this. It was never anonymous. Yeah. That's the whole joke about it. What do you think? They're all wearing fucking Guy Fawkes masks? Yeah.

It's in the name. That's the whole joke of alcoholics anonymous is the first thing you do is you stand up and tell everyone your name. Your first name, not your last. Yeah. Well, you don't need to use your last name on zoom. It's true. That's true.

Nick. I guess it does say my last name. Mine as well. Yeah. Nick is the only one who suffers. Mine is cool. Because Nick is anonymous. Mine is, let's see.

Let's see when it switches to me. Yeah. There we go. Yeah. Awesome. Now, you got to do gallery review, brother. Yeah. So you can see everybody all at once.

Oh, yeah. Nick, you're doing the one big guy. No, I'm doing a little, I'm doing a little, I have the window minimized as small as possible so I can look at, look at manga. What is? That's still my shit, dude. Are you into it? Are you into reading Japanese?

I'm not. Are you fucking kidding me? Manga is the book. It's gonna be funny to see you just on like the train after this with a little bento box. Reading, reading like love, love Hina. What is it? Love Hina? Is that, is that?

I don't know. I think that's a manga. There might be an anime, but yeah, just reading like Japanese teen girl romance novels. Yeah, dude. Well, I found the one. Didn't somebody, somebody purchased child pornography basically. I found a child pornography manga in my effects. I was cleaning out my, I mean, I don't know, I'm not gonna say that.

What? No, don't even, don't even. On your computer you found child porn. Don't you dare fucking pin this on me, dude. I didn't say that out loud just now, you said. It's not child porn, but it's a manga from Japan. I sent it to the, to the, to the, this is what stops reading. I'm not, whatever.

To the group text? To the group text. Oh yeah, that's exactly what is reading. Oh, they're pretty cute. Anyway, I didn't purchase child pornography. It was, and I'm not even saying this is, I think this is Japan getting around it. These guys are jacking off the kids. No, yeah.

When we went to, what was that place? Akihabara or whatever it's called? The anime district, like half of Hentai is just child pornography. Yeah. It's just you get to draw it. I don't remember. It's just girls with no tits. I'm getting sorry.

I actually don't remember going to the child pornography district. You did not go. You weren't there that day. I wasn't there that day. I think I was, it was me and Stav and two chicks. Yeah. Two fucking broads. Two fucking chicks.

I think I wandered around aimlessly that day. Oh yes. There was a day where you just started walking. I just walked. That was the day where you walked. And I remember looking, I looked at a map and I'm like, damn, I must have walked like 30 miles today. And it was like probably a two mile walk.

It was just not even. It's just the streets are so small. Yeah. You think you're like booking it. And because I remember it was like, it's time to walk back because I'd walked for like four hours and I had just sort of like done a big like C shape around. Right. So then it was like a fucking 15 minute walk back to the apartment.

Yeah. The streets are mad windy. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I'm maybe now I'm starting. I'm so cooped up. Now I'm even getting nostalgic for Japan. Speaking of.

Yeah. Well, I like worldly by jacking off to hentai might when when I was there, my friend. So when you go and like porn hub in a different country, you're like, you don't, if you don't have a VPN or whatever, you get like what they watch. And he said, whenever he travels, he jacks off to like whatever comes on the first place and that's how he experiences the culture. That's good. So he said he was jacking off to like the blurred pussies and penises.

Why doesn't he go to a fucking museum or something? That's how he travels before bed. That's how he that's how he experiences the world is. I think it was a joke. I mean, I don't think he was being serious. No, I'm into this. It might have been a joke, but I think this is a good idea. I do think it's kind of a good idea.

It's completing. Because listen, you're going to a museum, but then and you're eating the foods, but then you're jacking off to what they're jacking off. All right. Then you know what? Maybe I'll get into this. Shout out to my first trip. I'm going to take a little trip to Poland and I'm going to find some interesting places

to jack off. Who knows where I'll end up? Maybe I'll go to Amsterdam too. And I'll see if there's maybe a house with an attic in it that's conducive to masturbating and see if anybody thinks that that's degenerate there. I'm sure people in the age of Anne Frank were jacking off in that apartment. They were there for so long. I know.

She was jacking off. It's in the book. It's from the book. I read the book and this is in the book. You can't. I am trying to do a part of the book while I'm here. I have autism. I have to act out every.

You just made an address. Yes. Yeah. I am reliving the experience. Your cosplay. I did this at Gettysburg three years ago and no one had a problem with it there. And don't call them and ask. Do not ask them if they had a problem.

I'm telling you and you can take my word for it. Who's the wonderful guy who's also in there? I remember thinking she was a lesbian. Her boyfriend from school. She gets her period I think. She's playing with her titties at one point. I remember that. What's that?

She's playing with her titties at one point. I remember that. Oh nice. That part was hot. I did not. You know. Maybe during the quarantine dude. I've been getting back into books too.

Check out Anne Frank diary. I'm reading showboat the biography of Kobe Bryant. What? Yeah. Come on. You didn't appreciate him in life. It would be funny if the diary Anne Frank she's just like constantly talking about how much money different kids at school owe her.

She's like loving money. Funny. They had to cut out chapters. There's an unabridged version. This is Melissa two pencils last week and she still has not given them back. So now she owes me three pencils. And the week after that she will owe me four pencils. I'm making so much money at school and it's great.

Melissa's family her dad got laid off from the factory that my dad owns. Yeah. So now. Yeah. There's a chapter. She talks about being. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. There's a whole chapter on interest. Yeah. Right. It's just an economics textbook. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just the economics textbook in the in the margins there are some things scribbled. They're like we can use this. Yeah. We'll go with this. Why don't we just go with the stuff about. We'll do the boy. Yeah. We'll put the horny stuff in there.

Yeah. Well we'll leave the horny shit. The child getting horny. Leave out this stuff where she calls herself Anne bank. Anne bank of Amsterdam elementary school. She was a brave girl Nick. I don't know if that's a. She was necessary.

It's a shame. I will say it's a shame. She got got. She ever. Right. But she never knew. In any movies. Did you have any.

She got snitched. They got snitched on. Did you have any nude scenes in any movies. Yeah. He was. Are you on. Mr. He wasn't.

Happening. And Frank to Mr. Skin. Yeah. She got happening. Yeah. Let's see if she's got any action going on. Fuck.

Yeah. No. I'm not reading. I'm not reading fucking shit. I watched. But I'm not reading sad shit. I watched that movie 1917 with my dad. Last night.

That's a good one. It's one with the dad. You know. I saw that. I was. Sunday. I couldn't even. Oh you're too fucked up to appreciate.

I've been. That's a problem in the way I watch movies. I watch a lot of movies and I don't remember what happened in most of it. Because you're on eddies. Too much. I got to chill out with those. I thought honestly I thought for like three days I had coronavirus dude. I was.

Too many. I was on edibles and I was like I got it. I was like I got it for sure. I'm pretty sure I had it in February when I thought I had liver cancer. When you're throwing up. Have any of the symptoms. You just were shitting and you were head by. Yeah I don't think shitting and throwing up.

I wasn't shitting. I didn't shit at all for like four days and then I shit out a bunch of bile and I kept throwing up bile and my liver hurt. Yeah. That sounds like COVID. You're right. I'm going to go ahead and call that coronavirus and never worry about that again. You should go to the doctor otherwise when this is over.

Yeah it's coronavirus. It's coronavirus. Yeah. Yeah my dick wasn't getting hard because I had corona for about five or six years now. My dick wasn't getting hard. It was coronavirus. Yeah. Yeah.

No I mean I don't have to do the test because my uncle he's a house painter. Yeah. My uncle painted a doctor's house and he was flipping. He overheard him talking and it turns out I don't even got to do the test. My uncle knows a lot of stuff about this kind of shit. He's always reading. He's always looking at pictures of stuff so. He's always sifting through the trash of nurses.

Yeah my uncle was fucking some black bitch that worked on an ambulance for a while. And he told me that it's corona because that's what that black bitch he was fucking from an ambulance told him. Oh my god you should have heard this bitch. Oh. She knew a lot of more stuff than you think a black girl on an ambulance would know. Yeah because you know you'd say what are you what are they like you drive it sweetie sometimes but no she was in the back touching a computer.

Fucking working the hoses and touching the stuff and doing a test you know they got all that Frankenstein machinery or whatever to bring people back to life which doesn't seem very Christian to me. Yeah that's my problem with it. If you're dead you gotta stay the fuck dead. Otherwise it's Satanism it's witchcraft. Then you then you're doing all kinds of spells and shit like that. What is this.

And honestly that's why we got it though because the Chinese they've been doing they unlocked confucius and spells and into the world it sent out this shit from the devil. Yeah I think you think maybe China is like the cookie and you break it open and the fortune is coronavirus. The fortune was corona. It's wisdom. Yeah that's what's happening. Yeah.

Somebody opened up a cookie that had coronavirus in it. That's not more racist than eating the bad thing. Yeah I heard it was inside a dumpling. Yo that's why I'm not getting no dim sum no more. You can only get it from chopsticks I heard. If you're fucking eating with sticks where do they find that shit on the fucking ground? You're telling me I'm supposed to not go play cards with my friends. None of us ain't never had no sushi in our life.

It's cards it's not mahjong. If you're playing Chinese chuckers if you put your shit in a fucking finger trap you'll get that shit but not with good old American fucking poker. Anyway yo can I bet my baby mother's snap card in here I'm kind of short on cash. I tried to buy a bunch of masks and sell them later but it turns out it was the wrong type of mask. Did you see that Jewish guy doing that? So funny. He coughed in the police's face and they tried to go into his house and they were like

he's like you can't come in I have coronavirus. The most Jewish way to try and evade the police. First ballot hall of famed Jew right there. That's what I'm saying about fucking Anne Frank's diary. It's like you know you have this post world war one situation going on in Europe and it's like we had the pandemic going on you got guys like that. First of all at least take the costume off before you start doing that shit. Dress up like an Arab guy.

Don't go whole Native American outfit. You know you get a headdress on. You're like no my name is finding deal. My name is chief finding deal and I have corona actually. It's time for me to pray to a rain cloud you have to leave. I love that guy. That guy is such a piece of shit. He's got to be in costume.

Either that he's got to put on a fucking striped fucking turtleneck and a fucking. I don't even think that guy's Jewish. I mean that one's so bad. That's probably what's his name James O'Keeffe. He's doing a stink operation. Jewish stink prank. Wild on YouTube. Social experiment.

Social experiment. Boarding Lysol while wearing a Yamaga. Epic prank. Did you see there was a social experiment where it's like it was like beating a woman with a hijab, beating a woman without a hijab. That was like one of those what would you do videos right? That was like that Keen Onas guy right? No that was like just a YouTuber that was like

watch how everyone stops domestic violence if she's not wearing a hijab. But if she is and then he's just beating a woman. Honestly I wouldn't you know. If she's wearing a hijab or in general. Fuck that dude I mean because it's like yeah it's wrong but it's like I'm not going to be the guy that gets fucking viral video accidentally doing racism. I'm not going to risk it.

Wow dude cancel culture has stopped you. It's like changing the emoji color from yellow to risky. I learned my lesson. I told you there was a black lady beating up a retarded son on the train and she was like slamming his head against the window and I got the breaking point where I'm like I gotta and there's all these other black people on the train not stopping it you know and it's like don't make me like don't you know I can.

Guys some bitches that voted for Elizabeth Warren are going to fucking write a blog about me. You gotta do this. You have to be the one. It's gotta be you. And of course it immediately backfires. That kid's probably dead now. It's your fault Nick. No not my fault. Your fault Adam.

No you're saying it's the rest of the black people on the train. Because if she didn't have to pay rent to you. Probably. No I'm not good at money. I wish. What do you mean you're not good at money? Think about how much money you make and how little work you do. That doesn't mean I'm good at it.

It just means I'm lucky. That's true. He's got you there. Yeah I'm incredibly lucky. He hasn't invested in anything. No I have zero investment. In fact he spent his money on things that have never helped him once. Dude I love it that if you have a retirement account or a mutual fund.

I have no idea. But probably you're going to lose all your money. I was at dinner with my friend even before it really popped off. And he's like yeah me and my wife lost $30,000. Yeah they're going to lose all their money. And of all these people that are like you're so stupid for not investing your money in the stock market. And it's like well literally everybody's saying a recession is coming. I mean before even this fucking COVID thing.

So it's like maybe just don't. We're going to be the only ones with money at the end of this dude. Dude some fucking financial advisor. No we won't though because I'm going to spend, I'm getting a golden penis. You want to be a fucking warlord known as gold member. Just like some weird like tie fingernails. Just long and then that like stack of turds golden hat that they have. You know a bunch of exotic apes and parrots.

You want to have a cult of personality. You want to be a little warlord. There's a lot of money in that though. There's a lot of money in that. There's a lot of pussy in that and fucking meals. And little boy bussy too if you've seen that. I'm trying to be king Louis. You're in Africa with a boy army.

What'd you say Nick? I said I'm trying to be king Louis from the jungle book. Hell yeah dude. The jungle has to sneak into my house by being trans. Yeah dude I'm so glad I haven't invested in shit dude. The only thing I invested in was fucking property in Greek town. Baltimore, Maryland, USA. Now's probably the time to buy property.

Yeah. Yeah should we all move to like... Where you should not all move to the same place. What? You see this? You see where I am right now? This is where I'm going though. Yeah.

The badlands. It's Mexico. Nice. Yeah. Mexico is tight dude. I would love that. I just get a little ranch out of Mexico. I don't even think they got corona that bad.

Just going around. Just going into like the local cantina or whatever. The cantina loco. The cantina loco. Yeah yeah. And then I got a sombrero on them. I'm all mexican'd out. And I'm just like...

It's like Ni hao ma. I'm just speaking Chinese. Have they made it to Mexico? Chinese? Chinese probably. I mean they look very similar. You ever see Mexican people that are so Mexican? They're just Chinese.

They call them chinos. Yeah. Yep. They look almost like they're Inuit. Is that the link? China? Alaska? Well there's that land bridge, right?

Where the Native Americans walked from Russia. Over the Bering Strait. Over the Bering Strait. They kind of look a little bit Asian. Yeah. If you actually, Adam, if you walked around it, it would be called the Bering Gay. Yeah, it would be. It would be called the Bering Gay.

But if me or Nick walked, it would still have the same name. It would have the same name that it has now. Yeah. Woo! Take that. The Bering Gay. The Bering Gay, boy. Dude, shoot, boy.

I'll tell you what, man. That's him, man. That's that boy right there. Shit. That's the Bering Gay right there. That's that boy right there. He said, let me go over the ocean and I'm going to do it like this. And he put his little wrists up and he went over the damn ocean.

Swishing. He went. He sat shade over the ocean and he said, there goes now, boy. Let me hold on to your pocket. Let me. Hold on to your pocket while I sat shade across the ocean. Oh, god damn, dude. I think I wonder if I'm getting headaches from having too much sodium.

Do you think that's possible? Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. The one sleeping. I'm not sleeping. I've been I've been sleeping, but I've been like, like killing myself with exercise at

night to force myself to sleep. That's probably what I should do. Yeah. I've been like every night just like, like at like 2 30 a.m. and then just not being able to go back to sleep for like three hours. Yeah. I was sleeping. All right.

Because I was getting so fucked up. But I never since I've been sober three days, I have not been able to sleep. Yeah. That's why I'm trying to read your chip. Reading is so fucking boring. I go to bed. I do do like do a hundred burpees right before bed and see if that doesn't knock you. Doesn't that get your shit racing though?

It does, but it like wears me out. I do. I actually to be honest with you, I do the burpees first thing in the morning. Yeah. That's the way to do it. You got to fucking front load your shit. A burpee is like where you go up and then you push up and then up again. Just go ahead and look it up on YouTube.

I'm not. All right. Unless you want to, unless you want to pay me. Unless you want to fucking give some for his emotional labor. Unless you want to pay me for my emotional labor. I was just, you know, this could have been just friendly advice. No, I don't think so. All right.

Yeah. Look it up on YouTube. I'll check out some guys doing it on YouTube. No, in fact, you owe me money for even suggesting you look it up on YouTube. Well, okay. Well, you're even interacting with my invoice for calling me beautiful on Twitter. You owe me a hundred dollars for looking at me. You owe me a million dollars.

Yep. I'm a sex. You're that white boy and it's just the white woman you've ever seen. I'm a sexual worker. My name is Claire Beth. I'm 800 pounds and I'm a sex worker. I do the work of sex. Dude, I don't even want to jack off anymore.

That's why, hence the anime stuff. You know what? I was like super horny the first couple of days of quarantine and now my dick has not been hard at all. Exactly. The only silver lining of this thing is my body is free from dick pills. You know what it is? It's like you have to get through that hard part and now we're becoming pure men.

Absolutely. Now we're in a real zone here where it then becomes time. Now it's kind of the eye of the storm and then the other side of it is bloodlust. Yes. Now you're too far gone to be horny anymore. You need to kill people who have bad ideas. Absolutely. Absolutely, dude.

Which is going to be tankies. That's who goes first. Nick, do you think maybe if all the orthodox are still communing, maybe they'll all die? No. And then rent will be free? No. No? No, they'll probably be fine.

Too resilient, dude. Yeah. What are you talking about? We have the worst genetics. It doesn't matter. Maybe on the high end, 0.16% of them die. While they'll live is because they're not going to get the Corona vaccine, which is going to be a real doozy.

That's what the government wants you to do, dude. The government wants you to get that fucking vaccine. And guess who, unironically, will not be taking that vaccine. Zero fucking chance of my taking that vaccine. Read your book. You're on your Eddie Griffin shit right now, dude. I will not, dude. I'm not even a fucking anti-vaccine guy, but this time.

Wait, what are you going to put in there? Would you see that if you got a flu vaccine, you're more at risk to get COVID? What? I didn't. Really? Yeah. I've never gotten one. Yeah, I've never gotten a flu vaccine either.

Yeah. Maybe that's why I'm healthy. The only vaccines I've ever gotten are the ones that you have to get for, like, I mean, I got a hepatitis one, obviously. You know? Yeah, I got polio. If they had an AIDS vaccine, I'd probably take that. But I'm not taking a fucking seasonal flu vaccine.

Well, my immune system is really good because I was breastfed until 17 years old. Here's why, because they come out every year, right? And so the way they want to control your mind is different every year. They've got to update the policies. You've got a one-time booster thing. That shit, it's like, you know, whatever. I mean, there's no way that they're programming 10 years. They don't even know, you know, who the King of Siam's going to be in 10 years.

Dude, who knows? Those heated-ass Siam elections. Yeah, you don't even, you got no idea. So of course they, what is with the, Adam, what's going on there? You got doorbells, you got office phones. My family lives in this home. Yeah, but what are they doing, getting fucking business phone calls? It sounds like a business phone call going on.

Yeah. Yeah, we're a business family. Where I'm the only... Adam's dad has a fake phone that he calls to pretend that he's working. Yeah. Whenever he does it, whenever he wants to end a conversation with Adam or his sister, he's just like, oh no, it's time to for work. It's kind of the other way around, but yeah.

It's actually, I'm too cool to talk right now. I've been fake podcasting for 12 hours. I'm actually, yeah, I'm actually the one who doesn't want to see his family, actually. Yeah, I'm cool. I live in Brooklyn, guys. I'm cool. I do love the idea of you just sitting in that room being like, oh yeah, we got a podcast all day.

Just like fake laugh. Look, it doesn't matter how long you lived in New York, because everybody who moves in New York, they're waiting for an opportunity to claim New York, and you can't, unless you died in the towers, you got fucking 9-11, or you survived the pandemic. If you left, if you left the city, you're never, you're going to have to wait for the next New York thing to happen. Don't, don't accuse me of running from Corona.

I'm wiping my ass with your Yankees fitted. Don't you dare touch my Yankees. And you'll never be in New York right now. Two Dominicans and bomber jackets are going to come and fucking burn your fucking fitted, rich like the American flag. I know, Stav doesn't want to claim it, but if he wanted to, he could. Well, I'm going to get a Mets hat. I'm a Queens guy.

That's cool. But you'll never be in New York, guys. You don't want to be in New York, guys. What's that? You don't want to be in New York, guys. I am in New York. I'm one of those guys who likes New York, but also I will never, I'm still both. For example, I will always want the Yankees to lose to the Orioles.

I always will. I will always want the Ravens to beat the Giants. Yeah. So, my only point is that, you know, you do have the ability now. If you wanted to. Dual citizenship. That's what I want. I want dual citizenship.

I'll come back. Adam, it's too late. No, you've already blown it. It's already. No, you already failed. Guys, I know you would be doing more harm than good. Yeah. You were like, I'm afraid of this virus.

I got to leave. I did not leave because of the virus. You were like, guys, like. Do not. That is, that is not on the record. You like, I have to leave because of the virus. Can we please figure out a way to keep me on the podcast? A lot of people have been accusing me of being similar to another comedian female that I'm

not going to name, but I did not do what she did. Damn. Fuck. I was trying to remember what's Danny DeVito's wife's name. Rita Pearlman. Yeah. Yeah. If I had exactly that moment, it would have been fun.

Yeah. That would have been fun. People are comparing Rita Pearlman again. This is my body type. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I don't know what you're talking about though. Rita Pearlman is really funny though, Adam.

I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't flatter yourself. She's mad. You've never had the last Rita Pearlman's gotten to you on Cheers. Where were you? You fled the city. You said, I'm more excited. The second it came, the second a stay at home order came out. I left before the stay. You got, you got plane tickets.

You're like, I've heard allergies are going to be bad this year in New York. I have to flee the city. That is true. That is true. He's just rushing through his allergies. His pants falling down is diaper exposed. He's clutching his, his fucking tiny statue of Liberty figurine and his Yankees fitted. His, I love New York license.

His Damofia Lysant Vanity plate. The boss. The boss. I had to get back to my home in Las Vegas where I tell everyone I'm a New Yorker. I would much rather be a New Yorker. No. I'm just walking around fucking. Although it sounds scary, honestly.

Does it suck right now? It would be scary for you. You would be scared. Or is it just boring? Not for us New Yorkers. It's about being New York strong. You've got to be New York strong. Okay.

We go out. We're going to get through this. We're getting on nipples pierced like Cuomo. We're going to get big fat Italian nipples. Wait. Big Italian nipple pierced. Is that a fact? Are they really pierced?

It looks. You know what? It's none of your fucking business as a non-New Yorker. Stay over there. Stay over there. You're trying to fucking pies on. Whoa. I don't like this.

Whoa. Oh, nobody asked fucking Mr. Las Vegas over here. Why did you go hit the fucking strip? That's right. They do call me Mr. Las Vegas. Mr. Age Vegas over here. I got the title from Wayne Newton. He said, Adam, you're the next Mr. Las Vegas.

Yeah, they call him Mr. Full House. Guess what the house is filled with? It's filled with cum. In the house? Yeah. His ass. Yeah. He's got a pair of queens in his pocket.

The house always. When this man's playing fucking blackjack, he's always getting the pair of queens. He's always got a pair of queens up his pocket. Now, I couldn't hack it here in the big city. Couldn't ever be a New Yorker. Could never do it. Uh-uh. But we're going to get through this.

We got through fucking 9-11. We got through it. I said fucking into Islamic sentiment. Yeah. You get up on your rooftop and you go, whoa. Oh. Oh, you fucking virus. You fucking virus.

Not here, pal. Not fucking. Get the fuck out of here. Piece of shit. Are there other Muslims celebrating COVID? No. Like they did 9-11? Yeah.

I did. From New Jersey. I could see them. Oh, it didn't come through, bro. It didn't? Hit it again? No, it came out in one second. Yeah.

It might be on your end. There's a problem with your audio, yeah. You might need to just get a USB mic, brother. You're a little fuzzy, too. This is a USB mic. Nah, but like there's, I think there's... But you're going through a board. Yeah.

Yeah, but the USB mic is the same thing. It's like the same... It takes the fucking analog signal and makes it digital. I don't think... It worked fine last time. There it is. That worked. Yeah.

It cut off in the middle. There also is a little bit of a delay that's even... That's worse than either one of us when we're talking over. My hunch is because you run it through the soundboard, but I don't know for a fact. It comes in and out. Whatever. I can't.

Whatever fun time. Let's not forget, the important thing is that Adam left New York. It'll sound fine in the... Yes, it'll sound good because we have the local audio, for sure. Yeah, yeah. All the podcasts sound great. It's about the vibes. It's about the...

Yeah, but from where I'm sitting, it doesn't affect anything. I can't perceive any kind of delay or anything. Yeah, I think it's you for some reason. But when I say something, you respond to it immediately. Not really. Sometimes I have to wait. It's throwing me off because I'm really tuned. You know how tuned in the boy is, dude.

Yeah. I'm hanging. I'm trying to fucking add little things. All right. You say one and then two, and then I'll say three immediately after. One, two, three. That was fun. No, that's not...

You have to say something. You have to be talking while Adam's talking, and I completely can't hear you. That's not how a delay works, though. I didn't say delay. Did I say delay? Yeah. Yeah. I don't mean delay.

I mean, like, it's easy to talk over you in a way that... Adam, talk while I talk. Let's both talk at the same time. Talk at the same time. Keep talking. Yep. We're talking at the same time. And I can hear what you're saying.

Yeah, and your audio isn't cutting off. Like, Nick goes quiet. Right, but Nick, if me and you talk at the same time, you get cut off. In the low... In just our feet. Not in the fucking podcast. That's true. Stop is right.

Yeah. Here, let me try it now. Does that help at all? So, if all... Let me... Nick, talk and talk. You and Adam talk at the same time. We must secure the future for children, white children.

Okay. He's a homosexual. I hear every other word you're saying, Nick. Say something else. No. I heard the beginning. All right. So, don't say that, Bar.

Okay. I don't want to hear anything about you securing anything. Love, Hina, is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Ken Akamatsu. Nick was saying before the show that it's cool how we both have full beards now. Yeah, I'll look at it, Adam. I can't hear both of you. Yeah, you got cut off. Well, let me see.

And thank you for commenting on my full beard. It's been... But does it... That's got to just be a setting in Zoom. I don't believe it. You're the only person... Why would it apply to... I've been doing a lot of Zooming, and it's only you that I've ever experienced this.

Yeah. It doesn't apply to Savora. Yeah. I mean, it's like... I don't think the answer would be because I'm using a mixer. Have you changed the defaults? The Zoom changes priority in terms of... But I've done it with, like... I mean, I'm talking... I've done it with people that are on their phones, people that... It's the only time I've ever experienced...

Yeah, that's why it's got to be a fucking set. Like, there's no way that having, like, an audio interface... It's all through USB anyways. I mean, it's not like... Look, bro, I'm just saying, Akam's motherfucking razor, bro. Just get a mic like Adam's. We'll see, whatever. Hell yeah, dude.

We can try another time. No, it's fine. It's good. I'm just saying it would be next level. It would be next level. But I kind of am enjoying the Zoom headquarters and Tel Aviv changes. You like the fact that Nick, if you both are talking... No, it's got to just be a setting.

There's no way that it's not a thing where it's just a setting. Could be. I mean, there's also... There's no... I haven't had to repeat myself the entire time. Just because Adam doesn't listen to you ever and I'm very... No, I never listen. I promise.

I'm really showing the fucking... I promise. Dude, that's my deft hand as a performer. That's why, dude. I'm like flubber. I'm filling in the gaps. You are like flubber. Dude, I saw that in theaters.

Did you? I'm a big Robin Williams fan over here, man. There's a really good video after he killed himself with just footage of flubbers said to Life Goes On by Tupac. Dude, have you guys seen that movie where he's like... He's like, he's in hell because he's got to save his wife or whatever? Toys? No.

No, there's a movie where he's like... Him and Cuban Junior are in heaven. Yeah. Yeah, that movie's sad. That's a fucked up movie, but I remember seeing it as a little kid and being like, damn, this is... Dreams May Come? Something like that. Yeah, something like that.

His wife fucking killed herself. What dreams may come or something? Yeah, yeah. That shit's sad. That is sad. But then he saves her by going into hell and it's like a fucked up house. Yeah. His wife's in hell?

I don't remember. His wife's in hell because she fucking off herself. You could go to hell for that? Which is a fucked up foreshadowing. I didn't even realize that. That movie's saying Robin Williams is in hell, which I don't believe. I think he's in heaven with God. I don't believe that either.

I think he's getting fucking pussy with God riffing. Doing free association riffing with God. Yep. Doing slow. Sucking on Marilyn Monroe's teeth. Oh my God, the blow in heaven. Can you imagine? Hell yeah.

I imagine him as like the morgue version where he's still young and fucking from morgue and Mindy. He's wearing the suspenders. Right, that's always the question. It's like, if you meet your wife in heaven again, is she gonna be an old bitch or is she gonna be fine? No, she better have the titties going right, dude. She better be, you know, 22 fresh.

Dude, in heaven, free ass surgeries. Everybody gets a big fake ass in heaven, dude. I love that. Everyone's caked up. When I do talk, it does take a minute for Zoom to switch like the, my shit, like my, they give me the yellow window. Whereas you say women then immediately goes there, but there is like- No, that's not it.

It is not that. No, it's specific to Zoom because there's not like, there's not a delay with the hardware. It could be. I guess we could try Google, whatever the fuck. I just mean this, all I'm doing is pointing out something that I have noticed as an observant man. Yeah, I'm sure, like, see, that time it didn't do it. That time it immediately like went right back to where it should be.

Yeah. But anytime, all I'm saying is anytime both two people are talking and you're one of them, you get completely fucking muted from whatever reason. That's gotta be a setting in Zoom. I mean, it's like this, because if it's specifically, if you have two inputs and the problem is only happening when you have two inputs coming your way, then it can't be something that has to do with my shit. It's not like-

It's happening to Adam, too, though. What do you mean? Adam, it's not like I'm the only one experiencing it, right, Adam? Nick is coming through- Yeah, but it's through Zoom, so it's not like fucking, if it's only when both of us are speaking, it's a variable that doesn't affect the fucking mixer. You know what I mean? It's like if-

I guess. If both of us were going through the mixer and then back to the Zoom feed, then yes, that would make sense that that was the bottleneck, but that's not what's happening. Listen, brother, I don't know about technology. I'm coming at it just with straight logic. No, it's probably- I have no understanding of anything. It's probably, maybe you have Adam set as a co-host and my shit is set as an attendee.

I'm telling you, bro, I've done a bunch of these. I've been a co-host. I've been- I can say you're a co-host. I understand that something is wrong and that you haven't experienced it before, but your diagnosis, that it's specifically the fact that I'm using a mixer, is retarded. No, it's not. It's one of the-

No, it's absolutely not. First of all, it's called the scientific method, motherfucker. And here's what- I'm looking at the variables, and the only fucking variable that I see is your shit. For example, Adam has the fucking USB mic as well. Hypothesis, you got some kind of convoluted setup. That's the thing that it is. But do you understand this is literally also a USB microphone?

It also goes through like a universal serial bus. And inside your fucking USB microphone, it converts an analog signal to a digital one and sends it through USB. Mine is doing the same exact fucking thing. There's just more going on there. You have to at least give me that it's a possibility. It sure is a possibility, but if it was all the time- Thank you.

If it was constantly, there's a fucking delay, sure, then it's a delay. It is. It happened every episode so far. No. I mean, there's a latency issue, but there's not a latency issue. We prove that there's not a latency issue. What the issue is, is that when I'm talking and Adam's talking, it fucking mutes my shit. Yeah, and stuff too.

Or when anyone talks. And I bet you if we had a guest, they would mute you as well. No matter what mic they were on, unless they had the same setup, I suppose. Try that. Does that, does it do it now? So we're going to talk at this, so we got to talk at the same time as we got to set up. What I've done now is I've turned you guys off.

Yeah, it's doing it again. I can't hear you at all. Are we going to leave this in the episode? Yeah, we are. Yeah, I don't care. Okay. Did it work? Did it do it then?

I don't care. We had great risks. Adam, shut up. And listen, you want to escape your family. Me and Nick have shit to do. Yeah. What do you have to do? You burpees.

I got workouts I got to do. I got to fucking make fried rice out of leftover pork ribs. I got my fucking revs in. I enjoy troubleshooting. What the fuck did you do? You came up with a funny, you spent 15 hours being like, what if my background was gay men? Hilarious.

That was in 15 hours. That was a split, that was a split second decision. Great, thank, great contribution, you know, bitch, about us leaving in. No, I've contributed. Don't start with this right now. I did contribute by going to Las Vegas and giving us fresh, fresh powder to get down. Just happy to be a part of the crew. Just carving it up.

Yeah, that's me laughing at you. That's a good impression of me laughing at you. That's what it sounds like when I fucking, I laugh. Nice brother. Boisterously. The only man you can trust is a gay man. Put your hand on my cock. You guys know that song?

Mm hmm. It's pretty good. The soundboard is also important. So if I get a USB mic, that's done. No, you can do some kind of no, no, no, no, no, because then it's still going through the mixer and then that's all that is all one entire audio signal. I bet you there's a way to do some kind of sound effect through zoom. No, maybe if I'm using the board and they're gone or they're not, you just love the board

and I get that. I love the board too. And we're going to get back there, brother. The odds, the odds that it's the board, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense why the issue would be the board. Dude, all I'm telling you is that it's a possibility and I can see it's emotional. You love the board. This is making a lot of sense to me right now.

You just don't want it. You can't fathom the, but that's the thing, dude. Certainly the quarantine has hit you somewhere where it really matters. No, you're just not taking the right troubleshooting steps. It's not a matter of variables. It's a matter of understanding the workflow and what's happening. No, it's not. Yes, it is, dude.

It's a matter of guessing things and checking if they are true. If you fucking went to the doctor and you're like, well, I'm wearing a hat today and my stomach hurts and he's like, well, did you wear a hat yesterday? And you're like, no, and he's like, well, I don't know. I saw three other people today, none of them had a stomach ache and they didn't have hats on. So I need to take that off. Here's the thing.

I can't come up with a fucking counter example fast enough, but I know that that's wrong. It's not wrong. Because you're fucking... Also, you're picking something. Also, how do you know these guys on this beach are gay? That's the... Like, it could just be two guys on a beach. Because you sat there and you said, look, it's me and my boyfriend at the beginning.

So I'd use them for being his boyfriends. He said, me and my boyfriends. No. Who is that? Your impression of me doing an impression of you? Yes. Yes, it's a multi-layered. Look, I can't exact, like I said, I can't come up with it, but it'd be something like,

you know, a guy eats a hat and the other guys ate food. If two guys were eating regular food and another guy had this... But you're not supposed... It's universally accepted that you are not supposed to eat hats. Okay. We know that. Forget hat. Forget hat.

What if it's one of those guys... There's not a chain of banana lady. If I was dipping my computer in water and are doing something deliberately fucked up, I wouldn't be like, you know what? It's not that I'm soaking my computer in water. Fine. Take that back. Fine, Mr. Debate Club.

You got me there. It's not even Mr. Debate Club. But how about this? It's a fucking basic... I saw two guys that had... Yeah, you ate an omelet, but had a little sauce on the omelet. I saw two guys that just had regular omelets that are directly go directly in your stomach or something like that.

Maybe it's the sauce is all I'm saying. The soundboard is the sauce. The soundboard is not the sauce. The soundboard is the sauce and this is the analogy. It's not the sauce. And maybe it's fine. You're right. It doesn't make sense.

It's regular ass sauce. People eat sauce all the time, but maybe in this case something random happened and the sauce fucked your stomach up. And that's all I'm saying, bro. I don't know what else it could be. You would have to demonstrate some reason as to why the sauce would fuck my stomach up. I don't get it.

I mean, I get it because it's a digestive thing and it's not a fucking one-to-one comparison, but I don't understand why me. Also using a USB mic, by the way. Yeah, but it's run through something. You have to admit that's an extra step. Your shit is also run through something. It's just inside the fucking microphone. It's going right through, dude.

What do you think is in there? Nothing? There's fucking circuitry in there. Sometimes it's the brilliance of a simple mind that gets to the solution of things, man. No chance. Dude, I don't even care at first, but now I can't wait. That's a good background also.

Adam, nice. Two more. I just chose a normal beach. I'm sticking with Mexico. I love it. Imagine me out here. I'm sticking with Bulma, dude. Imagine me out here on my ranch.

That would be awesome. And then you're like, your shit's cutting out because you live in the middle of Mexico and that doesn't make any sense. Dude, honestly, as long as I could come visit and get fucking the fucking opus door tacos with pineapple in there, I love it. Unlimited friend pass to come hang out. Hell yeah, dude. I can't wait to come.

You'll notice I said friend. Yeah. Which is not a plural. Are you doing this again? Which is not a plural. No homers. No homers. It's friend.

Friend. Do I get a friend pass? No friends allowed. No friends allowed, dude. Sorry. But one friend. We're allowed to have just one. Hurts my feelings.

Oh fuck, dude. Well, just like it hurt my feelings yesterday when I sent you a picture of my panting and you didn't say anything. I said, I said something. That's what you get for abandoning us. You had to run away because you were afraid of allergies. Put your hand on the floor. I'm doing art therapy right now to distract myself from certain circumstances.

From the horrors of the world? I don't know what it is. Any time I see that big ship that's coming here, and I guess it's here now, I think this is Stav's wife. The army ship? The army hospital ship? That big ship? Like, Stav's gonna be married to it and it's gonna bring him sandwiches.

I'm not gonna be married to a big ship, dude. It's not even a sexual thing. The ship is just like, she's coming into the living room and bringing you dinner. That part sounds nice, but I'm not trying to fuck a big ship. It's not sexual. It's more of like, yeah, that's your soulmate. The same size, I get it. No, it's something with the big cross painted on there and it's all white.

It's a good match. Something evocative to you of what my wife could be. Your wife should float. Yeah, that big ship, barely fitting under the Verrazano bridge. Your wife should be enormous, but still manage to float. That's cool. There's a buoyant woman, a buoyant helpful woman. Okay.

I've met his wife, I'd say she's, oh, how can I put this kindly, a stately and buoyant. She's very buoyant. She's very stately, that's a very graciously wide woman. Oh, she floats. Yeah, his wife floats. Oh, she floats. Yeah. Oh, the bitch floats.

Yeah. Yeah. My wife, she floats. Yeah. Oh, she floats. Yeah. Her pussy. Yeah.

It's trash. Yeah. Her pussy is trash, but she be float. She floats. My wife's pussy is a fucking trash. My wife, my wife, my wife, her pussy is trash. Oh, you don't even want to go near my wife's pussy. No, sir.

No, no, man. It's my wife's pussy. It's trash. It's trash. Horrific. But listen, you're in the middle of the ocean. You want to grab on to one of those titties and fucking hold on for dear life because the bitch floats.

Uh-huh. Oh, my wife's pussy? Yeah, it's trash. Yeah, my wife's pussy be trash. I love her though. No, I love her, but her pussy be trash. Her pussy is garbage. Yeah.

All right. Well, exercise time, boys. Yeah, I'm going to make some fucking... Time to work out. I'm about to make some pork fried rice, dude. I got ref-dover ribs. I got some day-old fucking rice. Chop up some onions.

Maybe, Nick, we could FaceTime work out together. Yeah, sure. Okay. Damn, I think my beard is turning gray now. That's cool. I see. Oh, Nick, I started playing... It does look in the middle gray.

I started playing Red Dead Redemption, Nick. Finally. Two? Yeah. Dude, dude. Adam will set you on the wrong path no matter what, do not ever cut Arthur's beard. Adam was like, I want to do little gay outfits and stuff and cut the beard. The entire time, I was just at the store getting him different types of clothes.

I'm going to get him a manicure. Foppish dandy haircut. I did. I didn't get any haircuts. And I didn't buy... No, you loved making outfits. I made the clothes. No, you have to get a haircut before you go to the casino.

You don't, dude. You just get out of the chair. I thought you have to go to the barber before you go to the casino. You literally don't have to do anything. You just sit in the chair and then you look at the options, then you get the fuck back up and you go to the casino. Wow. I didn't even know.

Yeah. Dude, that's what you never got. That's why you can't do this in real life. I'll keep that in mind. Dude, Nick. We're twins right now. Check it out. Yeah.

Dude, my hair's coming in nice, dude. Yeah. I was going to shave because I'm almost... It'll be a year in like another month. Oh, yeah? Okay. So do a year anniversary shave. Another seven weeks.

It'll be a year. We'll see that gorgeous face again. I'm going to have... I can't wait till my ponytail comes in. Well, I'm in quarantine, so I'm not fucking shaving my face now. The fuck... Yeah, fuck that. I'm going to grow this shit all the way.

It'll be two years. But can you catch corona from beard? Who gives a shit? I'm not changing my mind. Nick already had it. That's another thing about the houses. They're going to get corona from beards. That's very true.

But their wives wear fucking wigs. Mm-hmm. So that's something. Yeah. Their wives didn't get it. Yeah, but they don't touch their wives. Yeah. That's true.

Because they pussy'd be trash. They pussy'd be trash. They pussy'd be trash. I'm being honest with you. Wow, that's crazy. My wife's pussy is trash as well. My wife's pussy is a little bit trash. I feel as very trashed to me.

I can't get over that guy coughing on that face. That guy coughs. Dude, I fucking love that guy. Yeah. What a witter. Also, stop. Your shit cuts out for me. Like, when you're laughing, I can't hear you ever.

Really? Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. But I just, like, I know it sounds okay on the recording. So I... Right. You know.

Yeah. This is... Which, honestly, has been nice because I can't hear you laugh at all, so it makes me work harder for the riffs. Interesting. It lets me dive into them a little bit more. That's funny because when I laugh, I can't fully hear what you're saying, so I have to, like, stop laughing so I can hear the follow-up riffs.

Yeah. Interesting. Maybe what we're doing is podcasting with fucking, like, weight vests on right now, dude. Dude, this is... Think how sharp we're going to be when we get into the same room again. Yeah. We're trying... Think of like we had never podcasted before.

We wouldn't have these skills, we wouldn't understand the chemistry. We're like those guys who built the Empire State Building, they're up there throwing hot rivets at each other, blind. That's right. That's last year. You know, just because we trust each other. That's right. Those pictures of them...

We're having our eyes closed. We're real New Yorkers. Two real... Two real New Yorkers. We're doing the job and then a girl at the bottom bringing lunch. Dude, you know what sucks about this is because I'm doing the screen recording, you're on the bottom. Yeah, he's on the bottom on mine too.

Me? No, no, no. You are, Nick. Nick, you're on the bottom for me too. Maybe that's the problem. You got to rearrange, drag my shit up to the top. I don't know if I can. No, don't do it.

Now go ahead and drag. Just give me a little... No, no, I think it's when you joined the room. I think you joined last year. No, you got to go. You're going to go paint the video. So maybe next time you come on time. I was on time.

I was trying to figure out the Patreon thing. I can't... Ooh, I can mute. I can... Adam, why don't you talk right now? Hello? Very cool. I'm off, dude.

No. I don't like... No! The best part is he's going to come up in the podcast because he's just going to use his audio. But guys, I want you guys to know that we can't hear whatever dumb shit Adam's saying right now. Yeah.

Hello? Oh, fuck, he's back. He's back. Clever girl. I guess that will come up. Oh, hold on. Look at this. Look at Adam's name now.

Mr. Vegas. That is very cool. That's right. Mr. Las Vegas. Hold on. One second. Hold on. Oh, fuck.

Here it comes. No, no, no. You as well, but... Not yet. Hold on. I didn't do your full name, Adam. What did you say? Okay.

All right. Very mature. Got his ass. How did Nick get a thumb? Shut up. Okay. Hold on. Okay.

There we go. There we go. Yeah. Do you change it again? Oh. Very nice. Very nice. Very nice.

This is fun that I know I can do this now. Yeah. I only have two reaction options. I only have the clap for this. Yeah. I do have the same thing. That's stupid. Well, I'm glad to hear you're playing Red Dead.

Maybe I'll load that, but I just played Warzone for the first time. Can we play that online, dude? That'd be fun. Although, I barely just got out of the... I'm still in the fucking... at the end of the tutorials, so... Yeah, I did one of the tutorials. It's great, dude. I don't want to sit through the tutorials.

I just want to go be bad at the game now. Yeah. I know. I don't have time to learn anything. I know. I wish I could just... I wish you could just power through a book. Fuck.

I'm so hungry. I'll be done soon. I'll be done in the tutorials, and then I'm going to fucking be hunting and shit and tying up Chinese guys to feed them to alligators. Oh, I thought you meant the Warzone tutorials. What's that? I thought you meant Warzone. It makes you do a fucking some stupid tutorial.

Oh, no. No, I'm going to do that soon, too, though. I want to be good. I mean, I'm bad at that game, but I'll probably at least stream it, because it's fun to be bad at the show right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I would love... I wish...

It sucks, because there's not much replay value to Red Dead, too. But if I could play that for the first time now, fuck. That would be awesome. That's me. Yeah. I wish I could do it again. That game rules. Yeah, I can't wait.

I think it's on turbo hard for that one. It's great for quarantine, too. You'll just eat days. Dude, I did nothing for literally for two months. All I did was hunt and make clothes. I remember we would come over, and you weren't even doing the game. You were just looking for legendary animals. Yeah.

You were trying to ride as far away as possible. You rode down to Mexico. Yeah. Can you get into Mexico? You can. Yeah. They put all of the first... It was kind of a shitty thing.

They were like, the entirety of the first game's map will be in this game, but it's not accessible until the end of the story. Let's see. And then it's kind of like an afterthought or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. But... I remember playing the first one way back in the day, but I didn't finish it or anything.

I played it the way you play Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Is the first one fun? The first one is good. The first one was amazing. Yeah. And the second one was... I don't have a fucking system here.

Two might be the best game I've ever played. Top three. Yeah. I mean, it was great. I can't wait to really dig my little fat nuts into it. Yeah. So, anyway. Well, I'm going to go fucking make fried rice and eat fucking, or I'm going to eat fried

rice and play Red Dead. Yeah. I'm going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Very nice. Yeah. Just restocked. What kind of jelly, if you don't mind me asking? Just whatever.

I don't even look at it. It's all the fucking same. I'm a strawberry guy. Yeah. I like... I think I got cherry and blueberry this time. Mmm. Blueberry.

Nice. Yeah. Raspberry is good. Strawberry for me, brother. Yeah. Strawberry is... Raspberry is trying too hard. Raspberry is disgusting.

Yeah. I'm going to work on my next game. That's the kind of thing a guy from Vegas would say. Yeah. That's some real west... Listen, that's desert shit. That's not east coast shit, man. Dude, I can't wait to go to Five Guys.

Yeah. I'm a man of the American Southwest. I can't wait to go to Five Guys and get some raspberry cheeseburger. Well, you don't have five. We're not five guys here. We're in and out, baby. I can't wait to go to In-N-Out and get some raspberry cheeseburger at Junior Western Raspberry.

They don't have raspberry. That's a wow. Guys ask. Can I get a vegan, impossibly gay, raspberry? The impossibly gay burger? Can I get a impossibly gay burger? That's awesome. Yeah.

You just pick up the bun. It's a picture of your face, Adam. Oh, no. Come on, man. All right. I miss you guys. Miss you too, man. All right.

Okay. Lay it out. Miss you too, Poppy. Take care. Goodbye. See you, boys.