The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 203 – Werewolves of London

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

Still furious about my keys

I am recording and having sex. OK, I'm recording. Nice. And we're recording. Nick, how many burpees can you do? What do you mean, how many? Do you do sets? No, I mean, I just do you do them like continuously.

Do you do for like five minutes and then rest and then five minutes or whatever? You got to turn your mic down. Yeah, we can hear. Hello. You're way too loud. Your headphones, bitch. I think we can hear.

Can you hear his echo too? Or is that coming from you, Nick? No, it's not coming from me. Oh, I cannot get hard. Check, check. Is that quieter? Today. Yeah, there's the echo again.

Maybe it is a little bit now. Yeah, it's gone. Well, psych it's here. But it's very faint. It's not like the other echo shit. It's like. Yeah, no, it should be fine now. I hear from somebody's headphones, I think.

No, it should be fine now. Noise. Yeah, yeah, you just you just keep doing them. There's no like opera limit. You just keep doing them until you're exhausted. Yeah, how many jumping jacks can you do? I have no fucking idea. Well, you could do sets of burpees.

You could do like 20, like five sets of 20 or something, right? Are you about to be a burpees guy, Adam? I have been for a couple of days. Yeah, I mean, for a while, I was doing like for time, like 100 burpees. Damn, I look cute, dude. The light is nice.

I guess I should I should announce it publicly so people understand why I'm salty. About what? That I lost your car key that I lost my car keys and I never locked my fucking car. And the one time I locked my car, the car keys are just fucking gone. Yeah.

Yeah, that's brutal, brother. I'm sorry to hear that. It fucking sucks. I lose shit like that all the time. I never lose anything. I don't I don't lose shit. So this is why this is like fucking driving me nuts. Welcome.

It doesn't make any any fucking sense, dude. And I know what am I going to do? Just get fucking angry. Yeah, you just get angry. You're just going to be angry for like a whole day. And then you're going to be like, dude, I'm fine. It doesn't even matter who cares. Then you're going to be angry.

I'm going to get fucking angry. Something like losing car keys is literally worse than like a breakup or something. You know what I mean? Because then it's like there's a more visceral annoyance about it. Right. Because it's like, you know, I like I could be I can't be like, well, you know, I mean, me and the car keys tried.

Like I did everything I could to keep those fucking keys. And I'm not going to feel bad about myself because it's just like it doesn't make any fucking sense. Yeah, the keys were down. We're a down bitch, dude. Always there for you and you fucked it up. Yeah. You cheated on the keys.

It doesn't make any sense. They were in the bottom of my, I still have my wallet. I still have every, they're in the bottom of my fucking pocket. I know it sucks. It's horrible. Fuck. Yeah. Maybe they're down a storm drain, dude.

That's it has to be that because I retrace my steps. It has to be that they somehow came out of the bottom of my pocket and went into a fucking storm drain and they should have a service where you can hire someone to beat them to death. Yeah. If they don't have your bare hands to deal with things like that. I guess that's what being like a cruel slave owner was. Yeah, essentially.

Yeah, you could beat them to death. I don't know where my cummerbund is. It's my best fucking cummerbund. Like, Jeremiah, where are you going? Not again. The $30,000 apiece. It's just a cummerbund. It's about the principle.

It's not about the cummerbund. It's not about, look, I don't want them thinking I can lose stuff and no one dies. Can you just have some empathy for me, please? I'm in a tough place. Yeah, dude, you think you could beat a man to death with your bare hands? Depends what state the man is in.

OK, let's say another, for you, Adam, let's say another stronger man has knocked him woozy. Uh-huh. And you've been, I fight, I fight by Israeli army rules. Krav Maga, cheating, scratches, scratches, female, female style. Yeah. Eye poke, spitting, spitting. Begging, begging, begging, surrendering,

and then being like, and then punching them in the cock. Surrendering, saying, exactly. No honor. If you have no honor, then you could beat a man stronger than you. Just like, ma, ma, ma. I feel like it would hurt to beat someone to death. You're just your hands. Yeah.

Let alone feeling their life leaving their body would feel bad for me. I wonder if I could strangle. How long does that take? Like two minutes? You could strangle. Nick could do it with his grip strength training. That's true.

Nick has been training to strangle. I just want my car keys back. They're gone, dude. Just want them back. Make peace. Make peace with me. You didn't, you didn't leave them in the car. No idea.

You need to be like a Prince of Persia to get into a fucking car with that coat hanger. Oh, yeah, you look it up online. A wiki how is just some anime guy that tried to get one shot, gets it. No way. If that anime guy was real, not happening. No, dude, fuck that anime guy.

Serbian guy in a tracksuit. Maybe he can do it, but. Absolutely. Fuck. I look up YouTube videos to try. I tried to fucking break into my apartment's coin laundry because I wanted to do laundry for free. Yeah.

And I couldn't do it. Really, something about me feels like I could do that. When I was a teenager, I got into a couple of different vending machines. Really? Yeah. Ooh, that's awesome. Yeah.

There was one, there used to be Pepsi machines that I used to be able to just reach up in and pull. You just have to snake your hand around the flap and you can get it back and pull one out. And then there was another one. I remember being able to use one of the twist things for blinds. Yeah, sure.

Through an empty bolt hole in the top to just push fucking, it was with the pigtail ones, like the corkscrew ones. Oh, yes. And so you could just rake it in there and just push fucking snacks out into the bin. That's huge. Where were these machines?

It's at a grocery store that I worked at, yeah. At work? Yeah. You could probably easily, more easily, stolen snacks from that grocery store. That's what I ended up getting fired for is for the steel. But it's just out of one of the coolers. Yeah, dude.

It's hard not to steal from grocery stores now. Just a little fucking snack. And by the way, you should be allowed to steal whatever you want while you're shopping if you're going to shop later. That's my process. Oh, I mean, the Whole Foods Stealing section. Yeah, dude, absolutely. It's part of the store.

My favorite thing. Is the olive, the free olive area. Oh, the nuts. I love those olives. Yeah. The fucking, I get, first of all, I'm always getting some of those little fucking parmesan. What are they, like parmesan garlic cashews?

Yeah. Or garlic salt, I don't know. They're fucking raw. I'm going for a dried mango slice, maybe every time. Easy money. Or the hot bar, go through, get yourself a little piece of fried fish. Have a wing.

How the fuck do you have one wing? Have a wonton? How do you get into a fucking car? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't, there's no way to do it. I'm looking at a picture now. It doesn't even make any sense. Look, here's the interior of the car door. I wish you could just pay.

Are the tire, is that tire shop around the corner still open? That's a tire shop, it's not a locksmith. Yeah, but they know cars. It's car related. Do me a favor. OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. As I came out of my mouth, I knew you wouldn't like that. Do not offer me even the slightest bit of advice about anything related to this issue.

I'll give you sympathy. That's the most annoying thing, you lose something, and people are like, have you tried looking for it? Have you tried thinking about where it might be? Yeah, you retraced your steps. I'm going to kill you, I'm going to fucking kill you. It's like, did you find it? Yeah, I found it, that's why I fucking threw my fucking TV down the stairs, because I found

my keys. That's why there's 35 holes in the drywall. That's why my wife is bleeding. Maybe you went somewhere and you could ask them if they saw it. There is never anything good anyone can say, but if they look, I appreciate that. That's what I want. Don't say shit to me, you do the work I am too pissed to do. You got no, all you should ever say is, that fucking sucks.

It does really sucks. That's fucking, yeah. And then just make, even make a cavalier attempt at looking, just look around the room for one second. Yeah. I appreciate that so much more than any verbal piece of fucking advice. Yeah. And then you go ahead and you retrace your steps and you're like, all right, this is

going to do it. And then you get to the end of the step retracing and you're like, motherfucker, I did the thing. I did, now you made me do bullshit for nothing. Fucking, I had to walk the same thing twice. Yeah. No fucking, no fucking profit. I didn't even, I didn't even want to go on a fucking walk. No.

I didn't want to lock my car. This is what I get for fucking trying to be responsible for doing shit you don't want to do, man. I know. Never again. I've learned my lesson. Don't you ever do anything you won't. Don't leave that apartment.

Yeah. It's too dangerous. You might lose your keys. Yeah. So you're never coming back to New York. Why do you, yeah, there's really not a reason to, you know, I mean, it's like this works. I have to, I have a dog. It's wrong of me to, oh, okay.

Oh yeah. I have responsibilities. A dog. A dog. I have an apartment that I pay rent on. I have. You could stop paying rent. Easy.

Yeah. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. We stop right now. I have a, I have a, yeah, you know, well, I'll go into your house. I'll take it. I don't necessarily, I'm not here because I won't. And then I'll get you fled. I didn't feel like you were scared of coronavirus because you thought your life was more valuable

than anyone. You might get sick on the way out. I left before the shutdown order days before I don't believe that to be the case. People are keep leaving though. People are leaving later and later in the fucking process. It's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah.

Although I didn't even know like I felt like I started freaking out like cause I got here and like two days later in New York shut down and I was like, I'm just never going to. Yeah. I heard you signed a lease on a apartment in Vegas, right on the street in the West Village. I got a great deal in the corners of gay and gay alley and whatever pussy. There are streets there.

Christopher, Christopher and gay street. I believe that's, that's where I'm living at now. No, you're not. No, I'm not. No, I'll be back dude. You know, you're living at the Tropicana hotel in Las Vegas. That's not, that's not what's going on right now. Yeah, you are.

You're in the fucking, our casinos open. Casinos are closed for four, for four weeks. The strip is dark. Wow. It's crazy. I actually want to go down there one night and check it out. Yeah. It sounds pretty nuts.

Hell yeah. Nick, are you studying how to break a lock? I'm seeing if there's any option available. You can go ahead and continue your conversation. It's not. Dude, I just, I fucking saw, speaking of Vegas, I just watched Con Air, dude. I look at something for two seconds and you're legendary. One of the best movies of all fucking time, dude.

Dude, they, I think they imploded a casino, the dunes, and they incorporated that into the movie as like the casino getting destroyed. That was actually, they were imploding the casino to build a new casino. Oh, yeah. Interesting little, little Las Vegas trivia. Yeah. I got, I got tons of them. I liked the Vegas aspect because it felt like the movie was over and that he'd land safely,

his family's there, and then he's like, I'm going to fucking chase Cyrus the virus on a motorcycle. Yeah. So badass. Very good. Poe, Poe, what's his name? Great character. Who the, the, the, the, the Peter?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, the main guy. Yeah. What's his last name? Poe, what? I don't know. Cameron Poe, Cameron Poe.

Cameron Poe. Yeah. Cameron Poe. He fucking rocks, dude. What an honorable man. I really love that Steve Buscemi character. Great character. It's, yeah, it's interesting how he doesn't kill that child.

He's, because he's so scary. The first time we see that, it's so scary. What I love is there's two geniuses in the movie. There's two genius characters who are too smart, the genius criminals. Yes. Cyrus the virus. Cyrus the fucking virus. I love when, I love when John Malkovich is on top of the plane giving that like gay speech,

the hardened criminals. He's like, boys, in the annals of American crime, Doth, we find such rapscallion fellows, you know, and they're like, yeah, that's me. That's me dog of rapscallion. Yeah. It's just like Nazis and fucking, uh, military black panthers. And shit like that. Right.

And then don't forget the one prison bitch. The bad boys from drama camp as the head of the, as the head of the crew. Who's done it all. Yeah. Murder, extortion, whatever dude. Yeah. Why is he so smart? I don't get it.

I don't know. But Malkovich rocks though. Yeah, I guess. He's, he's crushing it. Is that dumb ass character? Yeah. Well, he's an actor. Yeah.

I know. It's awesome when guys get to. It's not like you can be an actor and you show up to make the movie and you're like, God, this is gay. That happens all the time. You just like looked at the camera and be like, by the way, I know this movie's a piece of shit. It sucks.

Yeah. Malk, um, what's his face? Who's the, who's the other guy? There's a bunch of guys in it, but who's, um, the cop from high fidelity, uh, John Cusack. John Cusack. John Cusack. John Lithgow. Steve Buscemi.

Lithgow's not in it. John Lithgow is in the movie. No. He is. He plays. Nope. I just watched it. The FBI agent.

John Lithgow's not in this movie. There's some guy with a little scrunched up face who's like, ah, you're gay. Yeah. I'm not going to listen to some gay guy. Um, yeah, what's that's the guy from, um, he's got a cool car. No, he's from, he's from, uh, he's from fucking. That's 70s show. The dad from that 70s, no.

You're complaining. That's not John. That's not John Lithgow, but he has John Lithgow vibes. He's not in this movie either, bro. Red. Red is not in this movie. He's not in it. I haven't seen it.

I literally saw in the theaters, uh, with my grandmother, my father. I think I was like eight years old. Yeah. Dude, that's a Bruckheimer joint. Dude, that's the first Bruckheimer without what's his face without your boy, Donnie Simpson. Yeah, Cole Meanie is in it, but I'm not, that's not who I'm thinking. Cole Meanie. That's the guy.

Yeah. He's the guy that's like, you're gay, John Cusack. Yeah. But there's, it's not, there's somebody that's in the place of either Lithgow or the dad from, uh, is that 70s show who is in Robocop. That's what I'm thinking of. Robocop. Red is in Robocop.

Yes. And then, but then who is, there's somebody else that's like, not just Cusack, but then somebody else that's a government guy. Yeah, I don't know his name though. Who cares? Cusack's wearing sandals. That's pretty funny. And I also love that the guy just has diabetes.

Is there so many awesome parts. Nicholas Cage slaps the gay guy. I told you guys, I told you right when I was in the theaters, the gay guy starts putting on a wig and a dress and my dad just turns like full voice and says, that's a very sick man. Yeah, dude. He's pretty tight, yeah, that's honestly, I remember, I think my mom went to go see the bird cage and we were all like, yeah, it turns out that's a great movie too.

Your dad was crying. He was like, Oh, I want to see this movie. I love I'm glad I'm not watching the bird cage. Did you wait? What age were you allowed to watch rated R? I don't think I ever. I'm still not allowed to. I'm breaking the rules every time I watch rated R movies.

You're breaking your mother's heart. Your mom doesn't want me. My mom let me watch the Godfather with her, but my mom wasn't aware of most things. But the shit she was aware of, I couldn't watch any of. I feel like I was allowed to watch rated R pretty early on, but my eyes got covered up for sex, but never for violence. Yeah. So it's a lot about society, doesn't it, Adam?

Yeah, that's right. Well, that's why I think I kind of don't, I don't desire violence because I was desensitized. Desire pussy. Yeah. Because, because anytime, anytime, anytime you saw a sex scene, your dad's hands were over your eyes. Exactly. And I was trying to peek through the fingers.

Yeah. Do you make a girl hold, do you make a girl cover your eyes? When you do? Do I? Yes. Your eyes are usually incredibly tightly closed. You just fucking? Yeah.

And then I say, don't look at me, don't look at me, don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm ugly. Don't look at me. I'm, I'm ugly. I'm so ugly. Don't fuck me. Dude, I never like to have any thoughts in my head during sex.

I like to just be busting nuts without even considering what's going on. That's the point, dude. Oh, nice. That's the pipe. The pipe. I gotta calm down. Yeah. You have to chill, brother.

It's a little fucking pipe, pipe tobacco. Nick's just got a chill- What flavor? What flavor you got going on, Nick? It's not Chisha, dude. It's not fucking, it's not fucking- No, you get like cherry flavored pipe tobacco. No.

Like a hickory maybe? Maybe hickory. Nice, man. How you feeling? You feeling good? You look like a fucking sea captain, brother. Yeah. You really do right now.

Well, it takes like, you know, you smoke the whole pipe, it takes like 15 minutes. I'm jealous. And then you kind of get like a body high. I'm about to go buy some black emals. I'm trying to go buy some black emals to calm down. Yeah, it's not like- I haven't smoked weed. It's not like cigarette.

But yeah, I don't know what the flavor is. I just go to the- I bought three bags of tobacco in my life and it takes like four years to smoke each one. I'm thinking when I get back to New York, we get into hookah, all of us. What do you mean, like for a visit? No, not for a visit, when I go home. I guess you can come visit us. You are home, though.

You're home, man. You're home. This isn't where I live. Listen, you can have my couch if you want, bro, whenever you want, man. And yeah, there's plenty of hookah places in the story. Well, we'll go out for hookah on your visit, if that's what you want to do. Well, say, yeah, you know that guy, Adam, who does her podcast, who lives in Vegas? He's coming to visit, I guess.

No. He wants to see what we can do. Yeah, we'll have a big party. People will be excited to see you. They'll be like, wow, we never thought you were- I mean, we knew you were a coward, but to flee the city, we never had that about you. I like the party aspect. And then we'll have drinks.

And it'll be fun, dude. All right, we'll have that party, but it'll be a lie because I'll be home again. No, it won't be. Dude, I was thinking about it. I was like, okay, stand-ups canceled. Then I'm like, who cares, dude? Fuck this. Yeah.

When the world opens up again, dude, I'm just- we'll podcast like this. I'll go to the gym. Yeah. I'll fall asleep early. Who needs to be out late at night doing- I've been getting up at like 7.30. I'm going to turn my whole life around by quitting comedy, dude. I know. Honestly, I don't think spots really matter.

You do. I'm telling you, you may think that I got the wrong system, but one string of shows a year, you know, be like, yeah, I can still stand on stage for an hour. Yeah, fuck it. It'll be fun. I'm not good at this. I don't give a shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Who fucking cares? It'll be, yeah. Fuck it. Let's turn into guys that just make essentially- it'll be like when wrestlers do stand-up. We'll be like Mick Foley, dude. Just tell stories. We'll be personalities.

Yeah. I remember the first time, you know, I remember the first time Nick did gay Indian guy or whatever. One in one. Oh yeah. We'll tell stories. Yeah. Tell wild and wacky stories. Yeah.

Oh yeah. The Chinese Jewish guy? The Australian retard was my idea. We knew we had some gold there. We knew we were changing history. And then just do 25 minutes of requests. Did you say Australian retard was your idea? No.

Like I would lie in my storytelling set. It was not my idea. Wow. Well, that was a sneaky way to just kind of- Everyone knows it was Stoff's idea. Yeah. I don't even remember us doing that, honestly. Yeah, me either. I have no idea.

That was like the second one. I think it was episode three. Yeah. Part two. Damn. Yeah. I thought Australian retard was from Race Wars. Who knows?

I thought it was on Kurt Metzger's podcast, but I don't know. You know we should be- In Australia right now. Please, I can't remember who's in Con Air. We would be in Australia right now. I was thinking that the other day. We'd be in Australia for Greek Easter. We'd be in-

In Melrose. In Melrose. We'd be in Sydney, actually. Oh, really? In Melrose. In Melrose. In Melrose. Before the show.

Getting some fucking, getting some head from some fucking, some koalas. Damn. I really want to go back to that Greek restaurant in Brisbane. Me. But that don't ever happen. You mean Melbourne? Yeah, wherever it was. In Melbourne, yeah.

The cheese was on fire? The Lacta. We can get fucking Saganaki anywhere, dude. Saganaki? That's a fire cheese of Saganaki. What is it called? Saganaki. It's called fire cheese?

No, that's what you said it on fire. Oh, you said it's cheese on fire? It's called Saganaki. Damn. I love that. The food where they're like, yeah, we fucked up. You can have it while it's still being fucked up. I was like, ooh, every time I see it, I'm scared.

Every single time, I'm like, this could go bad. I love the idea of being like an alcoholic, but you have to drink those cocktails instead of getting set on fire. So you're at home just setting drinks on fire all the time. Just wasting it. It's just constantly fire. Drink in the flaming mode, dude. Yeah, drink in flames.

Yeah, dude. That's a classic episode. I haven't seen a flaming moan forever. Great app. Is that shit on Disney Plus? Is that true? What? What's the flaming moan episode of The Simpsons?

Specifically that episode is on Disney. Just the flaming moan. They just have one. Yeah. Disney Plus, they don't show tits. They don't show ash or anything, huh? In Splash. What the fuck does the plus stand for?

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Disney minus. More like it. I'm trying to watch Mickey get his dick sucked by Minnie, dude. Yeah. Oh, put my cock in your, put my cock in your asshole.

Yeah. That kind of stuff. Pluto's just got huge cans. Goofy's. Yes. There's, the plus should be a DeviantArt section for Disney characters. Disney Plus should just be DeviantArt. Yeah.

Goofy's definitely packing. Yeah. And his balls hang low like his ears. Yeah. Droopy-ass balls. Droopy got, speaking of Droopy, Droopy, who's not, who's, I think, a Looney Tune, I believe he got Pussy. Oh, yeah.

I think I remember that as a child, that there was the one joke he just had a hot-ass wife. Droopy dog skates Pussy. Dude, for real, look that up. I think Droopy had a hot wife or something. I remember looking at, I remember, I specifically remember that cartoon and being like, hell, you had Droopy. Nice, dude.

Like being six or seven years old. Yeah. Just like the Roger Rabbit experience as well. Exactly. I just didn't understand why I wanted to be him so bad. You wanted him to be Roger Rabbit? Yeah. Because, because his wife was the hottest woman of all time.

He didn't want to fuck Jessica Rabbit. Come on. Come on. Of course I did. Yeah. You wanted to fuck that. What character from the movie did he want to fuck? The main, the bad guy, but instead of his eyes bulging out, it would be his dick.

Okay. That's one. I don't remember the movie, honestly, that well. Yeah, me. Who the other two were. I probably watched it three times in the last six months and I don't remember. Really? Yeah.

They go to Toontown. I don't want him to be the mom of the baby who's getting her ass slapped by the baby himself. Yeah. Yes. He did. No, I didn't. That's not true.

We figured. You're right. You just wanted that baby to slap you on the ass. Yeah. We figured it out. I wanted that New York baby to abuse me. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the character you wanted to be. You wanted to be a sub for a baby. Yeah. We got to the bottom of that one. I can't wait till that's my real life when I have my first born child. Just get abused by an infant. Just being abused by an infant. Who are you going to have a child with?

Probably the next person I have sex with. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why not? I mean, if this quarantine saw me anything. You probably will have kids pretty soon, huh, Adam? When you do.

Yeah. Then I can't be, then I'll never be alone. Because you can't smash there. I cannot smash here. And you're never coming back here. I've been going, stop it with that, okay? We're just trying to brace you for reality. I've been trying to, I've been trying to go no, no fap though.

You know you're not coming back here. Stop, Nick, I have, you know what's going on. I'd have to be here for a period. Yeah, but I mean, it's just, I mean, come on, there's reasons, but you're still never coming back. You're never coming back. No one's saying there's not reasons. You're going to get comfortable, dude.

You're going to get a job at fucking in the video section, you're going to get a job at Suncoast Video. Yes. And you're going to get really into, you know, fucking DVD. Making recommendations. Recommendations. DVD boxes. Have you seen, they would have to listen to me.

Have you seen The Tombstone by Jean-Marc Boulogne, some bullshit? Imagine working at Suncoast Video in like 1996, and you're like, wow, life could not possibly be worse. It's 1996 on the Suncoast Video. Oh yeah. Little dude, those motherfuckers know. That place was always so weird. I used to love it.

I used to love it though. Because I would go in, and I would feel like, damn, this is where Sinnoh files go. Yeah, but it, I mean, it weren't most of them like that weird like black subway tile and red neon. Yes. Which is a very like BDSM club kind of, like there was something just falling. Yeah, 80s, early 90s. The neon to me denoted class.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. So I'm about, I was like, wow. No. It just, it feels like. It felt like sick and degenerate to me. No. And I would just look at the fucking.

Only because of the black subway tile and the neon. I don't remember the black subway tile. I remember the neon, and the neon definitely drew. Like to me, it felt, it compared to like a FYE. Yeah. It was the, it was much classier. Yeah. FYE, I thought was cool because it was like, you know, damn, I'll never know anything about

music or have interest. Yeah. No, if you look at a Suncoast video, it's all just, it's all black. I don't know that it's, maybe the ceilings are like, there's some kind of like grid thing going on, but it might not be subway tile. I just, I just remember being like, damn dude, I've never heard of these fucking movies. This is fucking awesome. Yeah.

And it would be like box sets of shit and like Jim Carrey movies and shit. And I was like. The Jim Carrey box set. There would be stuff I hadn't heard of, but that was obvious. It's like a fucking, it's a little toy rhinoceros and you have to pull the movies out of its ass. That would be awesome dude. It takes 40 minutes to get the DVD, just breaking all the DVDs, pulling them out of

its rhinoceros ass. You're like, yeah, it's the collector's edition. Yup. Yeah. I got a $300 copy of Ace Ventura 2. It doesn't work, but you get to pull out of Rhino's ass. Yeah, it comes from, it comes in a special box. And then you have to put the Rhino in your ass.

They were really waiting for Blu-ray to come along when they started doing that. Remember when DVDs got to that point where they're like, now they're, now they come in Homer's head. Yes. You're like, let's just. You know what though? That worked for me dude. I was like, fuck you dude.

This is great. So it doesn't fit on the shelf. Oh no. It sucks. It's a display item. You have to keep it on the table. It's not meant to be played. Yeah.

Yeah. Damn. Like go to fucking Suncoast video and see in like season three of Friends, the box set, just one season and being like, hell yeah. It would have been nice to get a job at FYE and then like day one, just, you know, they put you behind the register and the phone rings and you're like, I'll get it. And you're like, fuck you entertainment. This is Eric speaking and they're like, what are you doing?

You're like, I thought that's what it stood for. It's fuck you entertainment. You could probably get away with it once. Yeah. And then just like thinking you're an idiot. Yeah. I don't think anyone's smart ever worked there. Yeah.

Fuck you entertainment. This is Eric speaking. Fuck you entertainment. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry. I just thought I should use the formal full name. I thought that was the name of the place to be honest with you. That's why I got a job here is because I thought it was more of a fuck you style. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, you got Metallica here. You got fucking Creed. Oh yeah. Puddle of mud. It's more of a fuck you style. It's a fuck you style. Oh yeah.

You know, I go to the mall, but the stores I go to are just more of the fuck you style of retail. You know, Suncoast video. Hot topic. Hot topic. PacSun. FYE. You know, I'm not going to like Abercrombie and Fitch.

I'm going to all the like just badass stores. Just the middle finger stop places. Yeah, the fuck you pay me sort of thing. I want there to be posters of fucking of girls with big tits. Girls with big tits. The place that sells swords and clocks. Oh, you would consider that a fuck you style. Yeah.

Some of the dark arts fuck you style. It's like I need to see a guy sell pens next to a $20,000 chest set going there. Now, what about a game stop? Is that a fuck you style? No. No. Do you still go? Game stop is the nexus.

It's where everybody in the mall goes to the game stop. We're all going. It's neutral territory. One way or the other. Do you remember that where malls used to have like a game stop, but then they also had a Babbage's or they had like competing video game stores. What's Babbage's? I don't remember that at all.

There was Babbage's. There was EB Games. There was Funko Land. There was Game Stop. Eventually Game Stop just bought all of them. Yeah. There was like three game stops. I remember EB Games.

Yeah. And there was no difference between them. The Sun never sets on fucking Game Stop's empire, dude. On the British Empire. Game Stop's going to fucking go out of business because of this thing, which is great. You think? Yeah, probably. Yeah, I guess.

It's a real shame, dude. Yeah. We're guys with ponytail. We're fat guys with ponytail. It's going to work now. What a dog shit. I'm going to be buying games at Best Buy anyways. How come?

Because it's a bigger store. You always go to the cooler. You always go bigger. Yeah, dude. Fucking Game Stop is for children, dude. I got a Best Buy where there's a chance I could be buying an oven. I see. And get a fridge.

Maybe I'm in here for baby shit or maybe maybe I'm buying my bitch wife something to make me dinner on while she sucks my dick. Am I? Well, of course, yes, I will be buying a Nintendo Switch controller. Yes. Can I... Excuse me. Do you have the collectible Kirby Switch carrying case?

Also, I need an oven for my bitch wife. So my bitch wife to fucking make me go... She can suck me off while I'm storing, un-storing my Nintendo Switch. The Kirby collectible pouch. So she knows she's bought... The sales rep has walked away 10 minutes ago. And she's sucking me off. Yeah.

She's sucking my cock. They're like, sir, please leave the Magnolia section. What the fuck is that? Oh, welcome to the Magnolia section. Oh, they have a couch, dude. Yeah. They're like, this is what your life would be like if you were a millionaire. They have a special corner of Best Buy for people who think they're rich.

I like to shop and chillax in luxury. Yeah. They should let you... Is it just speakers? They should let you smoke cigars over there. I guess it was supposed to be like Magnolia was a company that Best Buy bought where they did before it was... It was a home theater company. Yeah, before they did...

It was called Man Caves. You would have all your shit set up by a guy that's like, you need the TV, but also the speakers. Of course. I remember. Dude, someone getting speakers attached to their TV, that literally didn't mean they were rich to me. Yeah. That was like, oh my God, you fucking have your fucking TV plugs into some speakers? God damn.

When I got an apartment for myself when I was like 20, 21, the first thing I did was put some fucking bookshelf speakers next to the TV. Hell yeah, dude. On the floor, those speakers are awesome. I had a couch that I found like in the garbage. And I put some... Yeah, I put some speakers next to that. Big respect for that move, dude. Time for some serious gaming.

And the dream was always to have like, you know, a couple behind me. Surround. Yeah, surround. Instead of just front, surround. Well, you're living the dream right now. Oh yeah, dude. I guess you could say I'm living the dream. You got what, 7.1?

Yeah. It's so funny how like... Wow, my dick point, Adam's dick? How little the goalpost shifted in the last decade. On sound equipment? On everything in my life. When I was 20, I'm like, man, I just want to like fuck off and joke around with my friends, but then also play video games.

And I remember being like 22. I'm like, maybe I should read or do something ever. And then I guess I did for a couple of years. And then, no, it's right back to like, no. Oh, I never had that. I guess I should read. I guess you didn't go to college. That's the thing.

I should, I had it right the first time. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Did you try it? Did you have like a, I want to be an intellectual face? No. What the fuck are you talking about? Stav said, you didn't go to college.

Did you do that in college? I want to be an intellectual. Like I need to read. He said, let me parse what Nick was saying. He just stopped getting drunk at 10 a.m. and playing video games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know what Nick was saying. I was just asking if you did the opposite at a certain point.

No, I was saying, I was confused as to why he had that impulse. And I realized it's because he dropped out of school like 16. Yeah. So probably after doing that for eight years in a row, he was like, yeah, maybe I should read something. The reading I did was I read like all of Raymond Chandler. That's cool. Wasn't like becoming an intellectual.

That's pulpy. Huh? I don't know. Yeah. Raymond Chandler rocks. I have fond memories of Raymond Chandler. Yeah. What did he write stuff about?

It's like, it's everybody loves Raymond and Chandler wrote a book together. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, why don't we make a book? I'm already writing a book. Something like that. Yeah.

That sounds exactly like both of them. That'll be perfect, but seamless. Yeah. All right, buddy. I want to write a book. I'm already writing a book. It was just your voice. You're just doing me one?

You barely change. Could I be writing a book anymore? I was cold, so I closed my window, but now I'm too hot. Damn. What's the weather like in New York? I just remembered those fucking keys. No, don't. It's okay, man.

Don't think about it, man. It's all right. I'll just go back to thinking about Best Buy. I've been playing Doom Eternal. Is it good? I love it. How are the metal riffs? It's fine.

It's fine? What? Apparently, the last Doom was much better. I guess I looked at reviews for Doom Eternal, and it's all people who played the last Doom, and they were like, I can't believe they fucking fucked it up like this. It's not as good as the last one. Yeah. All I've heard is rave reviews.

Yeah. But maybe it's because everyone's at home, and they have nothing better to do. I really don't understand how the gaming community continues to be so pissed while their entire lives focusing on something that completely removes any ability. Like, you don't have any... You do a thing that is completely inconsequential. Yeah, yes. That's why.

What do you mean? It's like the most relaxing thing in the world is just sit and waste years of your life playing video games. No, because on some level, they recognize that they're doing it, that it is a waste. Yeah. On some level, they're getting no pussy. They're probably not. They're mad at themselves.

Yeah. So all they have is Doom being awesome. Yeah. If it doesn't feel awesome to fucking slice an axe through some fucking demon's head, what's he gonna do? Talk to his... Get put... You know, suck a tittie, no?

Yeah. Feel rewarded for doing well at his job, no? Never. Never. He's skating by. Not just November, I gotta check this. I forgot this was a regular one. No, this is...

Isn't today Sunday? What's today? Wednesday. Oh, really? Yes. Yeah. It's wing night, South. It's wing night.

You're right, dude. It's your wing night. I forgot. The only day that matters, holy shit. Come on, brother. I literally thought today was fucking Sunday. God damn. Come on, buddy.

It's wing night. I guess it is wing night, but I had a rich dinner last night. There was a pork shoulder on sale, so I had to make one for the boys. And Pete made macaroni and cheese. I don't think I can have wings tonight. What are you gonna have salad? Maybe some rice and beans, something light. Mmm.

You know? I just had a smoothie. Salud. I salude. Got a green smoothie in here. So I guess the answer is yes, it is a regular episode, Nick. Yeah. Well, there's no reads.

We're good. Oh, okay. I checked. My dick is small. I am gay. I love having no fucking reads. Yeah. Fuck you, companies.

Guess what? Suck our dicks. I can't believe. You know what, man? This sucks. I was in a good mood this morning, too. Like, ready to go. That's when it always happens.

I was ready to riff. And then fucking... What I get for trying to be responsible and lock the fucking car. Well, even if you hadn't locked your car, wouldn't you... No, because I never take... I leave the keys inside all the time. You leave the keys in the car. No, I leave the keys inside my apartment.

My car keys are separate from my house keys. Oh, okay. I see. I see. Yeah. Damn. I went out there to lock the car. And then I went for a walk.

And then I got home. Brutal. They're gone. The car's still there. No one fucking chased you? Yeah. Nobody's fucking... The wheels are off the car.

It's sitting up on fucking jack stands. Oh, that's why you don't lock it. All right. That makes sense. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Instead of locking it, I take the wheels off the car and bring those inside.

It's smarter, dude. It's smart. It's smart. You're not going to lose the tires. You're not going to... Exactly. Show me somebody who's ever lost and misplaced the tires to their car. They're too big to fucking lose.

They're too big to fail. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. That's it. A common saying about my penis. They call that the genius mentality. Too big to fail.

Chapter two of my book. Leave the keys. Take the wheels. Yep. Now, you may think maybe thinking, what is this? An idiom? No, it's a literal... This is...

It's literally what I suggest you do with your car every time. I suggest you park your car, you take the wheels off. Do one of those... Wrenches or whatever? Yeah, they can't boot you. Also, I suggest you take the windshield wipers off and no tickets. No tickets. No tickets.

Smart, brah. Where are you going to put that ticket? I'll tell you, officer, write up your fucking asshole-y piece of shit. Yeah, why don't you mail it back to your family in Bangladesh? Let them tell you. Get some stamps out of your big-ass cargo pockets and fucking mail it back to your family. They do have a lot of Bangladeshi meter-maids. Meter-maids aren't cops, right?

They are. Dude, none of the meter-maids could be in Astoria. None of the meter-maids could do any other kind of cop work. They're all puny bitches. I could fuck every meter-maid up that I've ever seen in Astoria. Yeah. Well, what's the other cop work? Shooting people?

It's pretty rude to make the rain meter-maid when you could be a guy that does it, you know? It's pretty emasculating. To make the name of the job a meter-maid. Do you want to be the meter-maid on the show, Adam? Well, no, I don't want to be a maid. It's a girl thing. Oh, I thought you were saying you wanted... It's not fair that you don't get to be a meter-maid. No, I was saying that it's emasculating.

You're jealous that you're not a maid? You're jealous that you're not a maid? That you can't be referred to as a maid? Yeah, I want to be a maid with big old milky titties. Can be the podcast maid? Darth Maider, right? Oh, yeah. Big titties.

Big titties, wearing a little apron. Drippy milky titties. I am your mother. He's like, no. You have a dick. And he's like, you have a dick. Darth Jander. How would that go?

I am a lady. Yeah. Darth Jander. That's common. That's the next one. He thinks of the next Star Wars? It's that LA Times article that's like, they were the future of Hollywood, but now Corona has put their careers on hold.

And it's like this human interest piece on like, the people that were supposed to be millionaires, you know, but now they can't make the Indian sketch comedy show that they were supposed to make. Also, who gives a fuck about any entertainment industry person? Right now, dude. And that's the thing. It's like, it just like highlights how...

Nurses are dying. Nurses are essential workers. Well, there's other shit that was like, as pressing. You know, I mean, there's like, the opioid crisis or unemployment. I mean, there's like plenty of things that... And it's like, this kind of highlights that mentality and the absurdity of it, even in regular time. Yeah, I cannot believe somebody wrote that fucking piece.

Yeah. And imagine agreeing to be like, interviewed for that. Right. Exactly. Like, yeah, oh yeah, no, you're right. To be that much of like a tone deaf narcissist to think that like, people are really upset that we're not having like, you know, our fucking... Like a show that nobody's gonna watch.

You've already been... Here's the other thing too. It's like, they were supposed to... This was supposed to be... And then they described the show and it's like, you could just do that. You could just get on Instagram and do that. Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry that the infrastructure there isn't there anymore

to hand you a fucking career. You can just build your own on it like everyone else. People that don't... Ironically, the people who the industry has labeled pieces of shit and doesn't want to work with, had to already do this on their own during the era of cancellations. So maybe you could figure it out now. You get a fucking podcast, bitch.

Now's the time for it too. I mean, it's like, people will listen. I'm sure you can find it on. I don't know though, bro. I hear the podcast listens are down because people only want to listen to the podcast. People do it at work when they don't want to do this. Yeah.

I don't fucking... The only time I've listened to a podcast is when I'm... That's driving. That's true. The second I stopped like having a day job, I'd never listened to... I have not listened to a single podcast in a quarantine. Yeah, I mean...

I listen to fucking... When I'm cooking, I'll listen to a sports podcast. The only reason this ever happened is because I got into listening to the smoking tire when I was like working those truck jobs. And I would just... Like all day long, I would just listen to podcasts. I'm like, this seems fun.

Maybe I should have a podcast. Yeah. And then it became my income and it's like, of course I wouldn't listen to a podcast. That's insane. That's crazy. It's insane. Yeah, there's so much doper shit out there.

Like con air. Con air, bro. Con air. And what the fuck was ListGal? You know what? I gotta look at what ListGal was in and see what I'm confusing it for. I think he definitely played a villain

in something cool like this. No, he's not a villain in the movie that I'm thinking of. You sure? Yeah, he's just some fucking government dweeb. All right, let's see. What else has he done? Harry and the Henderson's Third Rock from the Sun. He was the bad guy in Blow Out.

Shrek. Shrek. Yeah. What's Blow Out? It's a movie with John Travolta. Not familiar. By the way, I love having hair again, dude. Yeah, I think it suits you.

I'm not saying that ironically. I can't wait. I'm just going to grow my shit out, dude. It feels nice to just have that shit. Actually, it looks kind of nice with the mustache. It's kind of vintage. Yeah, dude, I'm a vintage motherfucker. Yeah, vintage Stavros.

He's an old-fashioned dude. He's turning into an old Hollywood back when they were all conservatives. That's right. I'm a Republican and I don't care that I look like absolute dog shit. Yeah, glazed and breadpilled. I am breadpilled. Stav's mentality. I'm going to start baking breads and shit.

Yeah. Are you going to get a sourdough starter? One time. You should make some. I want to make a cake. Yeah. Yeah, I've been wanting cake, bro. I've been eating on a cake for like five days.

Fairly easy to make a cake. I don't have any of the ingredients, though. It's hard to get flour right now. There's a flour. Maybe it's cliffhanger is what I'm thinking of. Yeah, that's probably it. Yeah. That's the Salone movie, right where it climbs shit?

Yes. It's the Salone movie. It's like, I got to climb over this hill. My favorite, my favorite Salone movie. Climb over the hill over here. You get to the top of the hill and you go right back down the hill. That's awesome. Yeah, he wins that.

My favorite is the movie where he's a fuck it over the top. Yeah, the armrest driver. Yeah, you got to go over the top. There's a top and you go over it. You go over the top and you come right back down. What about Cobra? Have you ever seen Cobra? Yeah, it's Cobra.

It seems like a cop. The cop has to go over where bad guys are and then you just take them down. You take the bad guys down. You take them up and they go right back down. You take the bad guys up and then you take them down. Shout out to Cobraetti. What a good name. If I was Italian, I would change my name to Cobraetti for sure.

Detective Snake Cobraetti. You know what his nickname is? Is it Cobra? No. Geez, I didn't even think of that. No, we call him Big Johnny. We call him Big John. Cobra's good though.

That's smart. You're going to do well here on the New Hell Police Department. Welcome to Hell, America. We named the city Helltown. Maybe we wouldn't have so much crime if we changed the name of the city from Helltown to from Neo Hell to something like, I don't know, Pleasant Place? Pleasantville. Pleasant City.

No rape America. No rape America would be a cool name. Time to die, pig. The movie sucks. Cobra. No, Cobra rules the thing. He's awesome. Did he write it?

Cobra is the most blue lives matter ass fantasy I've ever seen in my life, dude. Cobra's just murdering people and shit. No one gives a fuck. What's a lot better than that is Stone Cold. I used to pair the two. I would watch Cobra and Stone Cold. Nice little double feature. Yeah, Stone Cold's way more fun.

Wait, Stone Cold is that Stallone as well? No, it's Brian Bosworth. Oh, hell yeah, the boss. That guy rocks, dude. Lance Henriksen is the bad guy. Be a shitty NFL player. Lance Henriksen is a bad guy and they have this weird sexual tension the whole time. I think at one point, he's like even like, I want to watch you fuck my wife.

Wait, is that Daniels from The Wire? Who's Dan? Who's Lance Henriksen? No, you're thinking of Lance Reddick. Oh, that's Lance Reddick. That would be hot. Bosworth and Lance Reddick fucking would be nice, dude. Little fucking.

Lance. Ebony and Ivory. Lance Henriksen is, you know, he's in a bunch of shit. He's Bishop and Alien. Mmm, yes. Probably his most iconic role. The only one that comes to mind, but he's in a bunch of shit. You know who he is.

Wasn't he on that show Sentinel? You remember Sentinel? No, not Sentinel. Millennium. Didn't see that one either, brother. Where he was like a cop that was psychic and he could like see the way people do murders. Remember, that was a thing for a while. Like, there was this dumb shit.

Claire Voyet. People forget that fact-checking didn't exist until like 2003. So there'd just be TV shows that were like the FBI's top psychics. And you were like, yeah, of course. The FBI, they got psychics that worked there. Jamie Lee. What's your face? No.

Not Curtis. People are saying that they can't get the Lincoln Patreon right now. Jamie P. Tertis. Yeah, Jamie P. Tertis. He had big fat. Instead of tits, he had just fat turfs coming out of her chest. Yeah, there aren't that many people with this thing, but... Yeah, I got...

I'm just getting messages that people can't get in. That it's not on Patreon. But there are people in here, so... Whatever. Yeah, I'm looking at the thing now and it's just not saving. And I don't know why. The video? Yeah.

Well, Patreon got stuck like... fuck. Yeah, it just got stuck like saving. Oh. That's weird. Yeah. Well... Here we go. That's gay.

Here we go. That's pretty gay. No, no, this should work. No, just delete it and we make it. There we go. Okay. Now it works. Nice.

Well, good thing we didn't really say anything funny up until this point. We had, you know, there's a lot of really good riffs. There's the one about Chandler and Raymond that I did, of course. Famously so. I thought that was a dunk. Thanks, man. Yeah. Oh, I just want to have sex with a girl.

We should probably do some extra time then. I did Legion of Skanks last night. Yeah. It's crazy that it's just a two hour show. Just keep going. Nice. I'm doing Matt and Shane too. Yeah.

Yeah. Those guys are good. Yeah. Yeah, two hour show, I guess it's just like, fuck it, we're just going to go, just fill up the time. I respect that. It's kind of what we do, but for an hour. Yeah.

Kind of our ethos, but half as much time. You want to see if we can hit two hours? Uh, not particularly. No, you don't want, you got stuff you got to do. I have to piss. You can go piss. I'll go piss. If I get a snack, I can do it.

Oh, you could do it. You could carry the show for another hour. Yeah. Why not? Do it. Do some Jewish style comedy. Go ahead. What do you got?

Damn. How do I fucking get into? Well, I guess because it's published now. Sorry about that. Yeah. I see the number going up. Patreon got stuck saving the link. And how do I suck my home dick?

I just clicked through to the live stream instead of checking to make sure that Patreon worked. But if you're just joining us, if you're just joining us now, my car keys are gone and I'm furious. Nick has been pissed for the last 40 minutes, 45 minutes. I am livid. And here are the key details. I never lock my car. Today, I locked my car to be responsible and then proceeded to immediately lose my keys on a mile long walk. Yeah.

That's tough. I'm going to, now I'm thinking about it again. I'd calm down. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. You're hot, dude. Why don't we find the guy with the exact same car as you, Rob Him, take those keys?

Because that's not how keys work. Oh, you know how keys work, Adam? Yes, they do. The key only works in one car. Oh, what do we got, Mr. Key Genius? I don't think that the same model of cars. Oh, what do we got, the Genius of Keys? Yeah, they call me the Master of Keys.

Yeah. If you, if you find the exact same here, make a model of a car, probably going to work, especially an old car. Yeah. I don't know. I mean that. Yeah. Old cars, I think, did work that way. No.

Maybe there's a way through the wiring harness to trip the relay for the door unlock for the central locking. If I just attach it directly to the battery, maybe, but I don't fucking, I would have. People steal cars all the time, bro. Well, I don't know. I mean, the way the doors are set up, there's no way into the lock mechanism from that side of the window goes down. You just can't, you can't get a coat hanger in there. So I don't know. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do.

If anybody knows how to steal cars. If anybody knows how to steal cars. This is also too a thing I've never once practiced and it requires like some kind of finesse that I'm not going to develop. I'm going to end up just destroying the fucking door and punching holes in it and shatter. Yeah. I'm not. What if you saw a fucking metal ass box around the lock got in that way? What if I took a sawzall and cut a hole through the door?

And then just taped it over. Great suggestion. What if I just completely destroyed the car? It could be a little hole. I don't know. Don't locksmiths do something where they like jam the door open or some shit? Yeah, you can put what I could do is I could get a bike. I have an inner tube for a bike and I could wedge that into the door frame and then pump that shit up.

Just fold it up a bunch on itself. Pump that up. Maybe get some space in there. Drop like a, like a either like a shoelace or a piece of string with a slipknot on it and then pop the door lock that way. Slipknot. But I already, you know, I made a slim gym out of a ruler that I cut with aviation snips. Couldn't get it that way. Couldn't get it with the fucking code hanger.

Fuck. Yeah. It's got to be bike pump time, dude. I can try that. But I mean, it's all just guessing as to like what may work. I mean, doesn't it feel good though to be a criminal? No, it'd feel better just have my fucking car keys back. Yeah, it does.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good to lose your keys, mate. What's the worst thing you've ever lost, Adam? My dignity. That's true. That is true. You can retrace your steps. Never come back.

Never come back. Did you retrace your steps? I tried. Very few men could walk a mile in these, in these. These Louboutins. Penny loafers. Yeah. Which you keep.

Adam. You keep the pennies in your pocket just to be safe. Yep. It's a Jewish style of shit. Did they really have pennies in the loafers? Is that how they got their name? Yeah, you put pennies in them. That's what penny loaders are.

You buy them and then you put the penny in them. Had no idea. Yeah. What do you think they called them then? Is there like a little slot for them? Yeah, there's a slot. Nice. Just for one cent.

Anytime you need one cent. Penny loafers? I can't say that I exactly know what they look like off the top of my head. Yeah. There's a little slot that you put a penny in. Nice. That's pretty cool. Back in the days where...

Yeah. It's really cool stuff. Yeah. Here we go. Here. Copy image. We'll send this right over to you. Thanks man.

Yeah. We'll post that to you. I appreciate that. How do I... Why don't you go ahead and take a look at these, at these loafers here. See if you like that. Oh yeah, right there. Yeah.

Nice. That's cool. I guess we should look up and see what the fuck Magnolia is at Best Buy. Yeah, why don't we figure that out? Yeah, we should. I'm going to lean back and I'm going to hold my mic now. We need to get to the bottom of this. Let's find out what Magnolia is.

Magnolia, premium audio and video. Can we talk about Magnolia the fucking movie last time? Here we go. Solved. What is Magnolia Home Theater on the Best Buy support forum? Let's find out. I'm fucking... I'm on pins and needles.

How do I give my dad? I want to... No, they were never bought out. I guess... Wait, hold on. It's a partnership? No, it was its own thing. Best Buy.

Originally introduced to select the Best Buy stores in 2004. Magnolia Home Theater is unique. And now they look like dog shit now. You go in there and the cup holder is ripped out by a homeless person. There's a bunch of TV stacked on top of each other. And you're like, please, I just want to remember life before the recession for a minute. I just want to know what it was like in the first year of George W. Bush's term. Yeah, the first couple of years.

Before those fucking towers came out. George W. Bush before 9-11, the best America ever got. Yeah. I loved it. While I was working at Suncoast Video, you and my boy... The possibilities were endless. You and my boy Ralph smoking weed, talking about the Matrix. Maybe hit up on the ends, get some pretzel bites, dip them in cheese.

These are healthy. They're small. They're healthy because they're small. It's a pretzel. That's what adults eat. It's not candy, so it's healthy for you. It's not sweet, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm eating healthy. I'm on a diet. Yeah, I'm on a diet. I'm having pretzel bites that I'm going to Orange Julius for a smoothie. For a juice. It helps my body. It's healthy for you. I had a Beyond Burger last night, gotta say.

Not bad. No, they're not that good. You've had them? I thought they were going to be great. The way people talk about them shits, it's like, oh, they're the best ones of all time. Suck dick. I mean, the texture is pretty good. I had a...

There's a veggie burger in Cleveland at the Green Something Something across the street from Hilarides. It's the best veggie burger I've ever had in my life, dude. Really? You gotta go there. The Green Something Tavern. Yeah. I don't know what they do.

Wait, we all went there, didn't we? No, Stoff's foot was hurt. Remember we went to the barbecue place across from Hilarides? No, Stoff was in the hotel. Icing his foot. So it was me and you. We went to the barbecue place. The two of us went.

Yeah. And that guy was like, that guy was like, the barbecue here is awesome. It's Cleveland style. He's saying it was Cleveland style. Cleveland style barbecue. So we're like, so yeah, I was like, what is Cleveland style barbecue? And he's like, well, we got pulled pork brisket. Yeah.

I was like, that's just. It's not. Yeah. We got Cleveland style sauces. Yeah, that place sucked. Yeah. It was fine, but it wasn't Cleveland style. Cleveland style, brother.

Yeah. Yeah. Cleveland. That was kind of sad. That one street where they're like trying to bring back downtown. Fourth Street. Well, every city. There was like, there was once a great city there.

You know what I mean? And then they pretended they invented jazz. Yeah, exactly. It's like some fucking like council members, just some dickhead white guys. Like, remember how we came up with jet? How our city was the jazz city. It was the jazz. Like the Air Force and jazz presents.

Yeah. Nighttime by fucking Milwaukee. The city nights. But it was so fun. When Boston, they have, they have the house of blues. Yeah. They have the next defend way. And they have this big like mural for all these black, like famous black musicians.

And it's like the Red Sox owner didn't allow a black player on his team until like 30 years after Jackie Robinson. They were the last team to integrate. They're the most famously racist organization. And they said this mural to these fucking black people that this guy would never allow in his ballpark at all. Right. They're like, well, this is where vitalize an industrial area.

Xanarans. Fucking. They all do it. That is so fucking true. Yeah, you're right. Baltimore has that. You know, jazz and fucking Baltimore. Cleveland sat because you can tell that it was like an important city at one point.

Oh, it was important. Like the buildings are really nice. In what sense, bro? What? How? How was Cleveland important? The Erie Canal. No.

Yeah. Every city was important in the sense that there was. No. Cleveland was a major American city for a long time. I'm not backing down on this. I mean, it's not the way like Detroit was. Yeah. Detroit was like a fucking, like an international city almost.

I think it's similar. I think it's similar to Detroit's. The post industrial Midwest. No. Detroit is bigger than Cleveland. Yeah. I don't know if it's bigger or smaller, but. Detroit was like Chicago.

Maybe like if Chicago turned into a fucking like, there's nothing. Cleveland was as good as Baltimore, except Baltimore was better. Yeah. Bitch. The best cities, the best cities in the country ranked number one, Trenton. Trenton makes the cut. The world takes. Number two.

Dayton, Ohio. Number two, Stockton, California. What's Stockton? That's just some shit whole town in Northern California. Kissimmee St. Cloud, Florida. You just wanted to let everyone know that you know how to say the name of that town. Do you remember that ad for like, if you're going to Disney, you stay in Kissimmee. That was the old.

In your head, you were like, ooh, people probably pronounced it wrong, but now I know the right way. So I'm going to bring it. I just remember that ad. It used to play during like Jerry Springer. We're naming cities. And I'm picking one. We're naming important cities.

Not even a city. It's also got Disney World. It's not even like. It's a fake city. We're coming up with economically depressed places that always sucked. That place probably sucks. Kind of like a middle of the road town that has Disney World. Yeah.

No. Disney World's in Orlando. It's next to Orlando. It doesn't fit. I think it fits. Because it's like. You're trying to. Fit the rim.

You're trying to bring up again. All right. You just go. Just go. Just go. Just go. Did you bring up Kissimmee before? He did.

I think it's the second time I've brought it up. So he can. Kissimmee. By the way. You don't know that. He's been fantasizing about it. An opportunity to correct someone. That's why he brought up Disney Plus earlier.

No. My thing is saying things wrong. Maybe I can. My thing is not saying things right. And then. Do not take my thing away from me. Maybe someone will say. Kissimmee wrong.

And then I can be like. Actually it's a Kissimmee. That has never happened once. It happens. It's literally impossible for someone to. You can't contain yourself. It happens literally every show. Because you can't.

You can't even wait for the opportunity to correct someone. You just have to. You have to. Do this to me in front of my mother. Who's watching the show. Right. Yeah. She's watching the live stream.

She's watching the live stream. Adam's family's in the living room on the TV. On a Roku watching. Just clapping every time. He said Kissimmee. He said it right. That's my vote. God damn.

That would be so funny if my parents ever watched this. Yeah. Oh my God. Please. No. Um. So what else? You want to go back into economically depressed Americans.

Oh. Um. Let me see. Oh yeah. The ironic list of the best cities in the country. Yeah. Or most important. Rather.

Most important. Yeah. Well. There's Cleveland. I guess Troy, New York. That's a good one. Troy is good. Um.

Oh. Shreve Sport, Louisiana. Shreve Sport. Yep. Yeah. Scranton, Pennsylvania. Scranton does count. I would say.

That counts. Yep. They'll be. A little bit of the office. Yeah. It'll be a nice tour. Oh, the office was probably big for their economy. Trenton Scranton.

Office Tourism. Troy. Shreve Sport. Yeah. Fucking. Pop it all the way down to Louisiana for that. Kind of all over here. But we're going to do one.

Yes. Um. Mm-hmm. Because Simi's saying Cloud Florida. No. Come on. Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Should I fucking do that? That thing where you tattoo little dots on your head? Yes. It looks like there's. Of course you should just take a sharpie to it and see how that looks. Wasn't there like a, like a, a TV ad in like the 80s or something where.

That looks good, dude. It looks full. Just start dotting. Yeah. Just dotting. Just dot that up. Yeah. No, stop.

It's perfect. That's permanent, dude. That's on your record. That looks good, dude. Keep going. That looks really good. Wasn't that the thing we could spray? Yeah, but start with the hairline.

Put the hair. Start where you want the hairline to be. Yeah. You got to go lower. I don't know where you're. I'd say, I'd say right by the eyebrows. You got to go. You got this right?

Yeah. What do you do? Take your hand and then do this. And then with the width of your fingers is where your hairline should start from your eyebrows to there. I think yeah. Okay. Maybe half an inch above the eyebrow.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's perfect. You can't even tell. Oh yeah. Oh, you're looking thick. Dude, we're getting, men are becoming so much more beautiful in quarantine. It's so true.

And the women look like dogs. They look like, they're going to come out of this looking busted. They look like fucking dogs. The women are going to have to fuck dogs by the end of this spell. Let me tell you. We're going to be so fucking beautiful. I'm not fucking no chicks. I'm not having sex with girls ever again.

I'm only fucking my dad at up pot. My partners. All right. Me and my, my dad at my dad head partner are going to fuck. And I do this. That looks good. Yeah. People are like, is that James Bond?

He's become John Wick. Yeah. Is that James Bond? This, the international debonair man of government. Getting pussy in government. Yeah. The government servant. The public servant James Bond.

How much does James Bond make? $32,000. From MI5? Yeah. Not that much. That would be so annoying. And he's a gambling addict too. Do we ever see, where's the James Bond?

Do we ever see his house? No. Yeah. They never show you where he lives. Yeah. That's true. You never see where James Bond lives. Do you not?

No. It'd be funny if they eventually show his house and just filled with like that bullshit from Target. Target home. That would be, yeah. Target home and then like a fucking, like a Wallace and Gromit Funko Pop. Yeah. Like one of those old like Italian liquor posters. Girls get after they graduate college in their first department.

Right. Like it's classy. You frame a framed poster. A Campari poster. Yeah. Framed Campari poster from 19. I fuck with Campari. Little Campari and soda.

Campari soda is a nice, nice summer drink. Damn. I've been drinking here. Have you? With the old man. Yeah. Getting fucking toasted. Not really.

I've been getting, I've been having six PM whiskey. Would you say Adam? My six PM scotch. It's a thing that the men in my family do. I have to start being a man. Like tea time. Yeah. We have a tea time scotch and then a six PM scotch.

Then an after dinner scotch or breakfast scotch. I wish I had a brown Sharpie. That would probably work better with my, the color of my hair. Yeah. That's, that's really the only problem. The tone. But now see, these are kind of big though. If I got little tiny ones, I think it would work.

What do you got in your mouth, Adam? I don't know. It's a piece of cardboard that I found that I've been playing with. You know how. Yeah. I know. I play this. I know how you get.

I got a piss, boys. So I'll be right back. I got a piss. Did you buy those DVDs, Nick? What DVDs? The ones you sent us from Amazon. Oh no, I just watched some of that show on YouTube. Very funny.

What is it? I don't know. Just something like fucking A&E show that's like, that's just like shitty television actors doing like, like fucking noir detective stuff. They're all like just like middle-aged fatso's or whatever being like, yeah. What's the business, choppa? Very like dumb costumes. And all the YouTube comments are great because it's just like elderly autistic people.

And be like. They're like, just miss the show. Yeah. And they're like, this quality of English has been unheard. You can't find, you know. What's it called? Nero Wolf, A&E's Nero Wolf. And it's just a fat detective?

Yeah. Well, the character is like one of those like, yeah, a Nero Wolf mystery was the, was the A&E show. Rex Stout is the author. I got to piss fucking too. Shit. All right. You can leave me.

I mean, wait for a stop. Well, yeah, I got to wait for a stop to come back. You know, this is gaming chair. This is his bed, his orthopedic bed. I like his headboard. It looks like he's like an orphanage or something. It's nice. Yeah.

I don't know why just go platform, you know, if you're going to have the shittiest bed. A platform bed. Yeah. That's what I have. Just go. Yeah. I've been thinking about getting a new bed. I still don't know.

Like cause I'll, I'll continue to read like mattress reviews and I still have no idea. They're all over the place. Oh yeah. Completely. All right. Do you get a bed in a box? You get to go to a store? I was going.

We're talking about your gaming chair. He was telling us about that TV show that he sent us the other day. Oh yeah. If you smudge it. Oh dude, if I smudge it, it actually looks good for real. It actually does look good. Oh hell yeah dude. No, that looks like hair.

That looks like hair bro. Do you got big hair? You look like Rod Blagojevich right now. You got a thick mane brother. Does Rod, did Rod get another toupee that's, that's white? Or is that his real name? Wait, was it a toupee? I think that's just his style.

Rob's got a toupee, I thought. Oh, I thought he just had a sick style. Oh yeah dude. That looks pretty good. Yeah, I got hair bro. You should dye your hair dude. What color should I get? You're going, I'm going through my blonde phase.

I'm a dumb bitch. Maybe I should get, I should dye, I should get, I should dye my sides blonde. Yeah, I think. I should shave them at the center of my head and keep the sides horseshoe style. Blonde horseshoe. You got the sides blonde dude. That's not bad. Yeah.

Why not go toupee? Why not go toupee? Why not? I might. I'm open to it. How do you keep it on? You just glue it? I think so.

I saw some. I think you have like Velcro. There's toupee Instagram I got into the other day. Really? A lot of like, like very custom dressed up toupees. That's awesome. Hairstyles that like make your toupee look like give you that dumb haircut. The Macklemore, they're like this hairstylist is like changing people's lives.

They last for like, I think you have to get them readjusted every two weeks. Dude, I'm going, I'm getting a toupee. Fuck it. I'm getting a toupee until my hair is long enough for a ponytail. That's a good look. Honestly. I'm on a ponytail, dude. But it's good.

How long do you think a ponytail would take? Like six months? I think longer. I don't think I've gone to haircut in six months and it's just like, it's not that long. Fuck. Are you serious? Maybe I could have a small pony at the back though. All I need is a small pony at the back, dude.

Yeah, you could. Oh, you could do that in six months for sure. For sure. What I'm going to start doing is just maybe trim at the top and leaving the size so the sides keep growing. Yeah. Put like a number two on the top. I think that's sick.

Dude, that's my plan. Oh, fuck, dude. Fuck. It is wing night, isn't it? I was thinking, you can't break tradition. I can't break tradition. We must keep living. We can't let this virus change us.

That's true. Last wing night, we watched the thing. That shit rocked. You should have a, you and your roommates should have a, like a, like, you know, theme nights, fancy dress nights. What's the theme? You can do like CEOs and corporate hoes. You could do one.

Hell yeah, dude. Do a pimps and pimps and hoes. Pimps and hoes. Yeah. Do it. You know, just like something that a fraternity would get in trouble for. Yeah. Maybe do a blackface night.

Blackface night. No pictures. Everyone puts their phones away so you can't get canceled. Everyone knows, you know, everyone that's there knows that we're doing something really naughty. The best part, all the, remember when like, there's like six months where every politician kept getting in trouble for blackface. Remember that guy from Virginia?

Yeah, he's still the governor, I think. Yeah, he's still the governor. He was, remember, he was going to moonwalk during it and his wife had to stop him because he was in blackface and Michael Jackson. He said he was doing a Michael Jackson competition. Which isn't even, he was about to moonwalk. You could have done the whiteface. Yeah.

You could have just gotten like a wet looking wig and done Michael Jackson when he was white. Tape your nose a little bit like small. People used to fucking love blackface, dude. Yeah. It's a major American art form that now we're not allowed to do it. That's true. Roger Sterling, remember in Mad Men, he's in blackface. They should have a, if doing cosplay will be seen as rude in the future to video game

characters who are now real. Yeah. They should have a way to get married to video game characters. The singularity in now video game characters are considered real and it's offensive to dress like cloud. Well, I don't know though because it's not offensive to dress like Jay-Z. You just can't put blackface on. I think, I think it's probably not allowed anymore, even if you're not doing blackface.

No. You can dress as Jay-Z if you're not like Beyonce and Jay-Z. There was some post a couple years ago that was like, wow, my son went to school for Halloween this year as his hero, Malcolm X. And it didn't require doing any blackface whatsoever. And it's just like a white kid wearing a suit with glasses on. Yeah. And it's like, no, it's more offensive.

He looks like a nerd. He looks, he doesn't look like Malcolm X. He has to explain it to everyone. It's not his hero. You made him do this. His hero is a fire truck. Yeah. That's, he's like, he likes a guy who plays sports. There's no way a little fucking dumbass white kid loves Malcolm X.

Not when he's four. Like maybe if he's 11 and a real fucking nerd, sure, but. Yeah. They should, what's the guy that did the baseball and the jazz documentary? Ken Burns. They should do a Ken Burns about blackface. Yeah. Letters from, I try, I try, dear Marge, I tried the most incredible thing the other day.

I greased my face and I appeared to be a neat bro. Yeah. Just that, that like older black woman historian that they always go to or whatever. And she's like, well, the shoe polish gives you a tactile appreciation for the experience, but not a spiritual one. She's pro in this documentary. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, it's an objective. Shelby foot being like, well, not only was blackface a sign of respect, but that in many ways one could, you know, even extrapolate a sense that the blackface actors who may be white were taking a greater risk historically than the African American counterparts. So in many ways, the southern black white men who chose to be black made more of a sacrifice. They're the real heroes. Then then the African American. Then the African American.

Then the African American. You just see his mouth. Yeah, they do the Conan thing where it's just another person's mouth over it. African Americans. Shots out to dance in the God doing blackface. Ted dancing used to have a little ponytail. Do you guys remember that? Is that your inspo?

That was fucked up. Mel Gibson had a cool ponytail and lethal weapon three. So sick. That's a good look. And he would just like tie it back to make it look like a fucking over. They didn't know what to do after 80s mullets. My aesthetic post quarantine is going to be Val Kilmer. Final machine gun fight in heat where I'm wearing a suit.

And I have a very slick back ponytail. Yeah, ponytail suit is a great combo. I can if I get the machine gun. You couldn't pull it off. You would like to look a kindergarten teacher but a female one wearing a suit. You look like a lesbian kindergarten teacher. Point take. Maybe I should rewatch Time Cop after this.

Who's in that? Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do you remember the video game for that? Time Cop? There was an NES game. No, I don't. No, you're thinking of Time Crisis. No, Time Crisis was at the arcade.

I think there was a Time Cop NES game. I remember. I'm making a note to watch Time Cop. Yeah. My cinema. How about Time Top? Time Top. I have to go into the future to get my penis sucked.

You don't understand. There is a criminal in his in the future. If I don't go into the future to get my cock sucked, then he is going to do something real bad. Very good, Jean-Claude. Just keep doing the splits. Keep doing the splits? Don't worry. We'll dub your voice.

Hey, why don't you come take a look at my face, tough guy? Hey, always be ready. Always be ready. He's the worst of all of them. Yeah. Yeah. As an actor, for sure. What a great martial artist.

Oh, the best in that regard. Yeah. The only one who could actually fight of all the 80s guys. It's basically Stallone and Schwarzenegger. They're the tops. And then Van Damme is right underneath, I would say. Yeah. Could Dolph fight?

Skull knows the key, though. I'm just talking in terms of stars, star power. What about Lundgren? Lundgren just shot guns? Lundgren was never the star. Yeah. Lundgren was actually a real kickboxer. Yeah.

And he was a scientist, too. Yeah. He's like a genius. He's really smart in real life. Yeah. Lundgren's like a true badass, I guess. Just going to show you, it doesn't matter if you're smart. Yeah.

Well, I think it's time to go watch Time Cop. Sounds good to me, man. That sounds good. I'm going to have lunch. Yeah. It's lunchtime in the West Coast. I think I'm going to have leftover lasagna. Oh, lasagna.

And then I'm going to digest and then do my burpees. What are you going to do? What kind of burpees are you doing? What kind of burpees are you doing? You jump up. No, but I'm going to push up. His dad puts him on his shoulder and taps his back. Oh, yeah.

That's what Adam thinks burpees are. A baby, but then also the woman slapped by the baby. No. No, he needs to film so I can see that I'm doing my form right. Yeah. That would be awesome. Your dad just has a big-ass old-ass camera. Yeah, just like a Joe Badham.

Just from the early, yeah, from like family videos from the early 90s. He's got olive oil and a little misting bottle that he keeps hitting you with. We edit it together on the computer. God damn. It's so funny how little shit gets done after talking with you guys for an hour and a half. I'm like, whew. Well, that was a busy day. That was work.

Right. I'm just going to go back to being mad about my keys. I'm already getting out for that. Aw, man. I feel like I've done a pretty good job containing just how- No, you kept it down. How fucking angry I am about- As a man who has lost so many of his things, I commend you for being just to even talk.

All right. Well, see you later, folks. Folks. Goodbye.