The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 210 – Regis and Kelly

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

Folks good morning

Well, folks, this is the podcast today. We should have just postponed it for an hour. We might still do that. There might still be the answer because Stav is having trouble. He couldn't join and now he can't. He's invisible. It's been a tough year for Come Town. There's been personal tragedies. But this is the worst yet is now that Stav has become too fat for the camera, which is why we can see now his virtual background, but none of his body completely fills the frame. And so he's just now background space that Zoom is. Stav, I can't hear you. Now your audio is not working either. Let's go. Do me a favor. Stav, if you can hear me, if you're out there, we're going to, you're going to do stop video, stop audio, and then restart it

and then try again that way. Goddamn. This Zoom shit is great. It's, uh, it's really cool that, uh, uh, that we have to use this, this software and it continues to fuck up and it's no good. And, uh, we're now months into quarantine and it's completely fucking unreliable, especially for how much this shit costs. And today, I don't know if you guys saw, but Zoom announced that they are making it so that you can't encrypt the free, uh, Zoom meetings because they want to work with law enforcement. Never mind the fact that this is not the time for, as, as cynical as it is to fucking, for any company to come out right now and, and say that, you know, they don't like cops or whatever as if that's not a cash grab to announce that

you are, want to make efforts to work with law enforcement by making it impossible to encrypt the free, the free Zoom meetings because they don't want anybody using Zoom for nefarious purposes, unless they pay money. If you pay for it, then you can encrypt it. So they don't, they want to make sure that they're on the up and up with law enforcement and criminals, unless you pay that, which is literally, you're just bribing Zoom. They're just announcing that they're okay with, with criminal behavior on Zoom as long as you bribe them to do it. Um, and I don't know if we're probably, unless this is just going to, this, we're slowly losing members of Comtown and eventually it's just going to be me. It's going to be great. It'll be like,

it'll be like the Bill Burr show. I'm like, oh, did you, did you see, uh, the, the fucking, it's rioters in, uh, there's people stealing GLA prescription glasses. Is that, I can't, usually I can do Burr, but not today. You know, let's say I'm, I'm doing, and my support for blackout Tuesday is all of my impressions will be bad. They're not, they're going to be subpar. And that's the way, like Apple music, uh, removing the browse function from Apple music in support of black lives. My support of black lives matter will be that my impressions will be slightly off today. Um, and if hopefully that frustrates the consumers, I can hear you now. Okay. That is cool.

Mm-hmm. I can't see you. Yeah. I don't know why it is gay because your hair is finally people don't know you fight. You finally have, you finally have the ponytail. It finally happened. Yeah. Break their hearts. Mm-hmm. That's one of, that's one of, uh, Black Lives Matter's demands is that you have a ponytail. They were, they were covering, covering that extensively on Fox and friends. Yeah. I don't actually like watch Fox news, but I guess they're already starting with like, uh, they don't have any demands. Fox, that's how the, yeah, those are the covering. Why is the camera off? Did you eat the camera? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're right. We need more in the words of Mark Wahlberg in these times,

we need more peace, more grace, more, we'll get, we're going more peace, more getting pussy and damn. I mean, it really doesn't matter. I mean, this has always been a podcast first. This video bullshit is like, I don't. Mm-hmm. Right. I don't, yeah. Yeah. You should, what you should get, you should get a picture of like, you should get like, um, you know what would be cool if the camera never works again is if you could get like, uh, sort of like, uh, like an old like either like metal gear solid or like, you know, like fucking eight bit, um, you know, like with your head just like, like bobbling, you know, we like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some kind of super Nintendo thing. That would be sick. Damn. What if this was like a regular bottle

of soda? Let me go. Yeah, I'm getting back into soda. But imagine, imagine, imagine this is like, this is a regular bottle of soda and I'm, I'm a mouse sized. It would be, dude. Oh yeah. No, I'm just drinking like a two liter of like, I'm full. Yeah. If I was an X-man, my power would be able to change my, I would change sizes. I keep my ass, I, yeah, I keep my aspect ratio, my clothes change too, but I can just scale up or down however I want. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it would work. My name would be Scizoid. Yeah. It'll be cool. I mean, more often than not, I would go tiny. You'd go like pocket sized. Uh, you just spent, yeah, most of the day you could spend just like

the size of a, like a Christmas ornament. I mean, it would be cool. The longer you live, dude, I would get a little like tech deck and just fucking go all over my, all over my desk all day long. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, but you also think too is like, you know, because you're, I guess your bone density stays the same because it's a material, you know, like the, the, the, the chemical makeup of all the materials that go into you, like that stays the same. Well, it's like, so when you get smaller, it's like, you'll be much stronger technically, comparatively. You know, it's like, yeah, it's like, yeah, imagine it's like, so if you like, like get, take a piece of paper with your hand,

right? Like a strip of paper and you hold it out flat and you can probably make it stay straight if it's like an inch of paper, right? Now, if you had the same, like the same dimensions of paper, but it's twice the size it's going to bend. And that's because like the rigidity of the material, the density of the material doesn't change. You know, it's like, it's the same kind of material, the same thing with like steel, like a steel, I beam this big is going to be able to comparatively, you know, take more stress. What the point I'm making is this, so I'll be able to like fucking out, I'll be able to like, like Ali off of, like, you know, do like a 15 stair. And if I completely wreck my shit, you know, on the tech deck, it won't,

it won't hurt at all. Well, I'm not invincible. Well, yeah, because you're tiny. So it's like, it's there's less impact, there's less inertia. Yeah, because the mass is so scaled down, yeah, because the mass is so scaled down. That you're, you know, my point is, is that if I made myself like fucking, if I went too big, then my organs would just crush my body. And that's how I that's how I kill myself is I fucking like I just go up to 15 stories and my skin rips off my frame and my bones, my bones. Yeah, I just basically melt when I get too big. You know, so I go like king, they're like, we need someone to fight King Kong. I'd forget that because I've been spending so much time in the tech deck skate park that the opposite, the opposite works the same way.

Because I've been just killing it in the time. Yeah. I don't give a shit about King Kong. He ain't got shit on me. You ever see that movie training day? Yeah, that'd be my other X-Men power is the guy who's seen every movie. Every single movie that's ever come out, he's seen them. And he can talk about all of them. Yeah. Are you still trying to figure out like what? What? Mm hmm. You found and you figured it out.

Yeah, huge, huge ass men, huge fat men, huge people like, is that the actor, huge fat guy? It's that Australian actor, huge fat guy who played Wolver. What's this? What is all this principal thing? Mm hmm. Dude, you look great. You look like a Greenwich Village artist. Mm hmm. Yeah, my name's Jonathan Saint Samuel. I make, I do modern art. I do installations in SoHo. I love that SoHo is getting destroyed. What a, what a, what a bitch ass neighborhood. What a fucking fuck SoHo, dude. I'm so jealous. I want to be looting. That shit looks, that shit looks hilarious. Whatever, who gives a shit?

Who cares, man? Fuck this podcast. Fuck this shit, dude. We should be looting, we should be looting right now. Yeah, I'm trying to, I want to get this over with so I can get high and watch Akira for the first time. I've never seen Akira. Yeah. Yeah, well I'm going to get, I'm going to get too high and stay awake and just watch it and be freaked out and be like, fuck, the world is fucked up. I'm like, shut up, shut up, just watch Akira. Just shut up. Have you been getting stoned? Once or twice. I got a, somebody just gave me a pre-roll on the street and all I hit it and put it out. Yeah, I love that. And it's taken like a month to smoke a single joint.

I did the same thing except I smoked the whole damn thing yesterday and I went right to bed at like fucking 9 p.m. I'm on my couch. I just woke up 3 a.m. like seven episodes of the Sopranos have auto-played. Yeah. I'm on HBO Max too, by the way. I'm in there. Have you seen, have you watched any Mad TV? I watched the first episode, the pilot episode of Mad TV. I did. It's so funny how like all sketch shows kind of get off on the same like awkward footing where they don't know how to use the cast and it's like, there's a couple in there that are like, this is fucking the first sketch they do. Well, first they just do one that's like the Budweiser thing, but the frog dies. That's the big joke. Is it the frog dies? Yeah, the second sketch. The Budweiser

one was funny because it was like, this is just a Budweiser commercial. I don't know what the parody is. And that's the thing, a lot of our listeners are, you know, the young bucks, they don't remember, they don't remember the Budweiser frogs. No, but why is there that kind of shit? Early 90s beer commercials, those guys were like, they were kings. That's fuck Don Draper and his gay ass life. It's toasted. Fuck that shit. The 90s guys that came out of the 80s when like, they just have like brain damage from cocaine and they're like, what if we fucking, what if a guy, what if we did a Doritos commercial where a guy parachutes into the Super Bowl, but then we actually have him fucking parachuted into the Super Bowl. That is a good idea with

Doritos. And then people are like, okay, I mean, sure, fine. And then they did. Sounds good, man. Next. What does this have to do with Doritos? Why don't we get Chester the Cheetah to get pussy on TV? Oh yeah, why don't we give him a pussy? Why don't we buy get pussy? I mean the surgery. We do a full, we do a full uninterrupted uncut surgery where we're giving Chester the Cheetah a vaginoplasty. Yeah, we do a commercial right before the state of the union where Chester the Cheetah interrupts Donald Trump and he goes, check this out. And he's spreading his pussy lips. But then what we actually do is we hire someone to make that happen for real during the state of the union. And then people watch it and they're like, just like in the commercial. Just like in

the commercial. We would have to find some kind of, I don't know, a homeless man who'd shave him and dye his body orange and cut his cock off on camera and give him a nice orange pussy. Yeah. Chester Bito, Chester Bitofa, Offa. Chester Bitofa. Jimmy Bitofa. Like Jimmy Hoffa. Jimmy Hoffa. Hello. I'm beating off. I, you know, I started the whole beating off business. There was no guys beating off before I came around. Jimmy Bitofa. Hello. I'm beating off. Hello, Frank Sheeran. This is Jimmy Bitofa. Why don't you tell me what you're wearing? This is Jimmy Bitofa. This is Jimmy Bitofa. I could use your help beating off. I could do that for you. I could beat off for you, sir. I could beat off on camera for you.

That's very good. This is... Yeah. Shots out to Jimmy Bitofa. Yeah, brother. In his most famous role, the scent of pussy, the smell of a pussy. Disgusting. I'm gay. Gross. This smells horrible. This smells like shit to me. To me, it smells like fucking shit. Let me smell an ass. I want to smell your ass. Fuck. What's scent of woman? That's the one we've talked about a hundred times where he's Woody Harrelson's. Yeah. No, that one's a indecent proposal. Scent of a woman is he's a guy that gets kicked out of the army for smelling women's clothes. Oh, that's awesome. They're like either rape or don't do anything. None of this pussy-footing. Either rape me or fuck my ass. Oh, fuck. That's so true what you just said.

Damn. Yeah, I should have gone coffee instead of diet soda. Hey, man. We need to chug the whole thing. Get all the caffeine. I didn't have time to run to the grocery store and get more K-Cops. Dude, you know what? My dumbass roommate, my old, the guy was subletting, he ordered the wrong size thing. I have a bunch of K-Cops. I could just give them to you. Oh, yeah, that'll be all. I believe they're Nespresso, the full-size Nespresso K-Cops. That does not fit in there. The Nespresso is different than Keurig. No, but I usually get the Nespresso little ones, and I guess Nespresso makes big ones, and his dumbass bought big, thinking they were the small ones. Well, do they fit in the Keurig? I don't know. I'll take a look,

and I'll send you some pics. Yeah, but I don't want to come up to Queens and fucking, yeah, with the way the world is out there. The way the world works out there, brother. Just crazy. It's so funny how Queens is just, there's just nothing happening. Yeah, there was like one, there was a protest yesterday, but it was like peaceful as fuck. No one did shit. There was like four cops. Yeah. Like it was literally just people walked up and down Steinway. Yeah. And, you know, sat in for a sec, but there's nothing crazy. Queens rocks. The bong shop, the bong shop boarded up and nothing else did. Yeah, there is, because I went into Manhattan, I drove through Manhattan to just see what was

up yesterday or whatever, and it's boring. It's like, who cares? Who gives a shit? It's, it's like not even, you know, yeah, there's boards up on stuff and some stuff is broken into, but, you know, people were taking pictures. They, they, they like, what got broken into like Fifth Avenue and all those stores? A lot. Yeah, a lot of shit and so I mean, going around Soho was like fucking, everything was boarded up. But the fuck does Soho even have little fucking bitch ass musiques? Yeah, just fucking gay, like, you know, it's like, like sandals, like fucking expensive sandals. Yeah, it's just a bunch of gay guys in blackface. They're like, look what they've done. I was stealing scarves. I could not stop laughing about like a fucking like a place putting

a sign up front or just doing it myself. I mean, somebody would see you and it would be an issue, but yeah, but just put a sign out front of like the bank that says a Jewish owned minority owned business. Do not loot. Jewish owned. One of the good guys is a Jewish. For every bank. For every bank. This is Jewish owned. Don't, it's not the white people don't own this. That would have been good, man. Yeah. Because there's stores that are putting like signs up for other just say black owned businesses. So people don't smash the windows. And it's like, there's no, what are people going to do? Check? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's like, uh, Vincenzo Salumaria black owned. Don't don't do it. One of them was like Finn McCool's Irish bar.

Black owned business. And it's like, Hey, you know, I guess it depends on your opinion of your perspective. Well, the black Irish. Yeah. What black means. Black. They treat us. You know, the English treat us like that video that guy in Philly, that's like screaming or whatever. No, what is it? It's so funny, dude. It's just some like dumpy old guy. And he's like yelling. And for a second, like he has the attention of like the people at the protest, you know, yeah. And he's like, fucking, oh man, this is like this video of this guy makes everything that's happened up until this point worth it. I mean, and by that, I mean the American Revolution. Yep. The civil war, the legacy of slavery, the civil rights movement, coronavirus, everything

that's been worth it for this moment. And this guy, fuck, dude, I got a, uh, you know what, you talk for a second. Let me see if I could just find the video because it's so funny. I love that. I fucking love that shit. Also, you know, Philly did a bunch of hilarious stuff. There was, um, they had that like roving band of white trash that was like walking around with fucking baseball bats and shit. That was fucking hysterical. Yeah. I love the idea that all these people are like, there's no way they were pro police until there was like, oh, we can fuck up some black people. Yeah. Nice, yo. I mean, yeah, it's Philadelphia, but here we go. Here's the guy in Philly. Can you hear this? Can you hear that? Yeah, I can hear it. Okay. So just, so I

don't know if you can see the video, but it's, I mean, there's, you can't, but this guy, so this guy's like, he's downtown. He's like on Market Street or something. And there's a huge crowd of people and they're all listening to him. Oh, hell yeah. Every Muslim, every person in Philadelphia and believe in something greater than yourself. This is not about George Floyd. This is about hate. This is about the idiot. They just, they just come in every toilet. They just come in every What the fuck! What the fuck! Oh no!

Yeah, I know. They all just started booing him. Holy fucking shit, dude. It's one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my entire life. Dude, oh my god. I saw the end of that video. I had no idea there was a lead-up where everyone is listening to him.

He's got everyone's attention. I thought it was just an insane person screaming and shit, which it is. Goddamn. The fact that he had everyone's attention. They're like, yeah! Woo! And then he hits him

with the first Uno card. It could not be any fucking funnier, man. This thing is producing something. You know what? This thing is kind of finally fixing comedy. Because it was destroyed by Trump. Yeah. And Trump was the only thing that was funny for like four years.

Right. And now the world is finding ways to be funny again. Yeah, that's hysterical. I mean, that is what I mean about the fucking those Philly people. They're like, yeah, yo. We love cops now that they are enforcing child support. I'm all for that shit.

Yeah. They made a point of announcing prior to all of this that we will not be enforcing child support payments. In light of coronavirus, child support payments will not be whatever, had sex with. They will not be having had sex with them.

I can't get over that video, dude. It is so funny. That's incredible stuff. This is not about George Floyd! And you can hear a woman go, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the fucking warning sign right there. Just drops.

Just the n-bomb combo. Just mashing the n-bomb turbo button. Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. And then it's just like, because nobody's listening to that guy his entire life and he finally has his moment.

Yep. He had it. Yeah. And he just completely blows it. And that's the kind of, you know, that should be like a Greek parable. You don't hear that.

Is there, like, in Greek mythology or any of the dramas or tragedies, or comedies or tragedies, a story of somebody that's, like, waited for their moment their entire life and they get it, they just completely fucking blow it. They just absolutely shit the bed.

So, but I don't know most of them. Because it feels like it should, the prevalence of that in life. That happens so much more than the, like, inspirational, you just have to work hard and one day your time will come

and that's when you'll show everybody. No one ever does that. Never happens. Three people in the world have done that, ever. Never. Everyone fucks it up. Yeah, nobody handles it properly and it's much funnier and much more human

than, you know. Absolutely. Because, like, this guy's going to go back the living in a phone booth after this. He just goes home to his, yeah, to the phone booth. He's drying, you know, fucking boardwalk shirts from the 1980s in.

Yes, sir. That's right. And he's like, you know, fucking talking to his wife that exists in his head and he's like, I don't think people liked my fucking boop coming every color speech. I don't get it. I was trying to unite us

and that's the problem. I thought that they would really be on board, especially when I said this isn't about George Floyd and then sort of kind of refer to him as the N-word. That he just happens to be one of many ends

that we're all in a way. We're all sort of like that. Yes. Which is bad, though. Yeah. And they come in every, but we're all, there's that version of us exists in every type of person. He was one of them, I guess.

Yeah. And we should not, but we, it's, you know, I don't exactly, I didn't. Yeah. Thank God they cut me off because I was not sure what I was going with it, I'll be honest. It's also too, that guy's like that kind of urban white trash indiscernible race where it's like,

if you had to put something down, it's like, it would probably just be like cigarette ash. Yeah. Would be the, would be my description of that guy's race is like an ashed parliament. Yup. A parliament fucking

ashed into a fucking ice beer, some kind of ice tall boy. Small malls that got, they got pissed on in a gutter. That man is Ian, if he never finds comedy and stays drunk. Yeah. You know, Ian would give some kind of speech like that.

Oh yeah. I mean, that happened. Yeah. That literally happened. Yeah. You're apologizing. Oh man. Yeah. God damn. I felt bad for him on that one.

Same. But hey, what are you going to do? Yeah. There was some other, you see, France just absolutely just fucking up shit for no reason. They protested. They were just, they just had fucking motorcycles and shit on fire. Oh, France loves that shit.

They love destroying shit. They love it. Especially it's like, you want to talk about like but two things France loves is fucking riding and destroying bullshit. Yeah. And then I guess nothing. I can't think of anything else. Sex with teenagers? Yeah.

You know, being owned by the Nazis. I got a piss real bad. I'm going to come back and then I got a special message for you guys about, actually maybe, do you got text? Do I have text? Yeah. Maybe you can get this one started while Yeah. Let me see. If you can open that

if not, I'll be right back. Text it to me. Did you text it? Well folks, hello. I don't know what the fuck Nick was said to me, but I have some good here. Let me play the X-Men riff and the end one.

Hell yeah. I don't, I guess we're supposed to be doing a read right now. But I don't, I don't think it is. I don't know why the fuck he sent me. I guess he sent me a read on Google Drive

but I can't open it. But at least you can see me. Let's be honest, I do look, my hair does look gorgeous. Yes, it's me. Sign in approved. Alright, well take me to fucking Google Drive then you fucking piece of shit.

Oh my fucking god. Why the fuck won't it sign me the fuck in? Just sign me in. I gotta do a read, you fucking piece of shit. It is me, I just fucking confirmed cock sucker. Now open it!

Oh my fucking god. Just let me open the thing. Is it not working? It wouldn't let me open it. That's okay. I'll have to change the permissions on those files. So I was thinking everybody's posting black squares.

Yeah. I was thinking maybe what I would do is employ a black square. Ah, I like that. And so I was thinking about hiring a blurred to teach me how to play Street Fighter. That's great. That is good. That's the kind of shit

we're supposed to be doing, supporting black-owned businesses. Yeah, I'm going to create a black-owned business. This guy's out there and I've never even thought twice about fucking charging money to podcast hosts to fucking

coaching Street Fighter coaching. Exactly, Street Fighter coaching. If you want to help me get if you want to train me in Street Fighter. Mm-hmm. I can fuck my friends up. I've always wanted to be good at fighting games. I was the only one that I was only okay at

was Killer Instinct. I remember Killer Instinct. What's that one about? No one fucking, no one plays it. It's actually sick, dude. Do they have girls with big tits in it? They do. Killer Instinct for Super Nintendo is a...

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He's probably a business owner. I doubt inside that envelope. It's an embarrassing medicine. That 31 year old man whose penis should work fine? No. That guy doesn't have dick pills in there. My neighbor, embarrassing medicine? I doubt it.

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Blue Chew lives matter. Blue Chew lives matter. Soft dick lives matter. Did you see the videos from coming out of Long Island? I didn't. It's so funny. There's protests in every state in the country. Even in the deep south,

those guys are like, all right, I guess let them have it. Just let them go. They're right on this one. I saw the video. And then in Long Island, it's like, send them home. I've been the Merrick resident my whole life.

How dare they? How dare they? They march and say the police are bad. She's fucking... How dare they say the police are bad? How dare they say the police are bad? Anyway, I'm going to go watch the Sopranos and then the Godfather

and then Goodfellas back to back. Long Island sucks so much. I know, dude. It's such a shitty place. The food's not bad. You get some good food. You go out there and you think it's like... Because it should be nice suburbs.

But because it was suburbs like fucking 30 years prior to the rest of the suburbs existing, and it's not like it's ever going to fall into like fucking like severe decay in the way a city would. It's just like a mind rot. You know, it's like the

the blight of Long Island is an intellectual one. It's like these fucking like hollowed out facades of like people and behind them it's just held up by racism and Billy Joel reverence. Yeah. Right. And some good pizza pie.

I mean, there's good pizza. There's better diners. Yeah. There's better diners than there would be in the city, but Jersey has better diners. That's true. Jersey's much better than Long Island. Seafood. I will give them the tip of the hat on seafood. Jersey is similar in a lot of ways, but you can just go somewhere real quick

and be out of New Jersey. Right, right, right. Yeah. It's a fucking hike to get over to fucking Long Island. You can be in hot ass gay ass Delaware in a second, dude. You'll be down there on... Just getting fucking... Drinking com.

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It's good for sure. I shouldn't get some sounds going. Dude, it's all about the sounds, man. The last thing I did was that voicemail from the Iranian guy. That's great. That was a fucking heater. That was fun. I love that shit.

I was getting myself all morning doing an Indian guy in an argument. And he keeps saying like, you must exactly suck my penis. You must exactly suck my penis. Yes. You want to suck my penis exactly? You must exactly suck my penis.

Yes, dude. He's just a Boston market demanding a refund for something. I don't want to hear it. You must exactly suck my penis. You give me the money back, you fucking shit ass. You must exactly suck it.

Fuck it. Ah, fuck. My favorite guy. Look, there's been some great protesters. We've got the French people. My favorite protester, though, was the guy. Did you see the guy who stole a cop radio and told them to suck his dick?

Yeah, there's been a lot of that. There's a guy who stole a horse. That was pretty cool. A horse is cool. Yeah. I went to Liberty to add it to the sound board. Suck my dick. Suck my dick. That's great.

Suck my dick. Suck my dick. Suck my dick. Respect to that guy. Yeah. It's funny, I didn't even check this morning to see if more riding happened in the last night. Or looting, rather.

Fuckin' Billy the Blasio. Billy the Tomato Sauce. Seems to really be blowin' it here. Oh, yeah. I mean, like, the way Corona and now this has proven that there's like... Back to back.

Just zero competence anywhere. Right? Like, they're fucking completely unprepared to handle, like, literally fucking anything. The whole reason, like, a state exists. And they can't fucking do any of it. Just the most basic shit. Yeah.

Well, what's funny, too, is like... And then Cuomo looks like a fucking retard. Because, like, Trump's saying, like, governor's better rain their shit in, or, you know, I'm gonna send in the military. And then the media's like, this is... We can't do this. This is outrageous. How dare he say that.

And then the next day, Cuomo's like, build a Blasio, better rain in, you know... Or we're gonna send in the National Guard. It says, like, literally the exact same thing Donald Trump says. And people are like, with poise and grace, and then today, you had to spend the day apologizing to the fucking NYPD.

Who, Cuomo did? Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. You do apologize to them for saying that they didn't do their job. What? I don't... Are mayors and governors literally scared the police will just start shooting them? Um...

No, I don't... They literally doxxed the Blasio's daughter. Yeah. I mean, I think the bigger fear is that, like, NYPD will just be like, okay, go ahead. Do whatever you fucking want. And then, you know, like, sort of just stand down and let... Which, I mean, I haven't

really paid attention to it since the Freddie Gray protests, but, like, BPD, like, they were, like, we're backing off or whatever. And then, like, crime rates, not crime rates went up, but it caused problems. I'd have to look into it again, but it's like, you don't really... I remember there was, like, one or two days

where they stopped issuing citations or something, like, because the NYPD, like, literally announced that we're protesting, like, we're counter-protesting Black Lives Matter by not fucking arresting people. And then they quickly saw that it, like, like, fixed things. You know?

Like, crime didn't go up or whatever. Yeah, didn't they go on strike and it wasn't a big deal? Yeah, it wasn't a big deal at all. But if you have a situation where people are already, like, fucking, like, looting and properties being damaged and, like, economy has been fucked up and, like, there's... like, the governors had nothing but, like,

disdain for local business... local businesses that are, like, hey, I need to feed my family. I need to, like, reopen my business. I mean, it's, like, attitude, like, a month ago, when, you know, there was a reporter that asked him, like, what about people that need to work, you know, to pay their bills?

And he's like, that's not my problem. You know, he's like, go... Well, yeah, he told them to become a fucking... When you go get a job as an essential worker. Which is such fucking horseshit. Yeah, they've had this attitude towards those people. They've had this fucking Hasidic community. I mean, DeBlasio's just, like,

straight up, like, railed against them and named them specifically. I know. And then, you know, these protests happen and his daughter's there and he's like, these are good, they're necessary. And then today, talking about, like, well, we're still on schedule, reopened by June 8th. And it's like, what do you fucking touch?

Just open the city and we'll deal with the consequences. Let's stop pretending that this is fucking... Just, you blew it. It's fucking over. You blew it. It's like, what they... The only thing they should be doing is saying, like, we need to reopen the hospital at the Javits Center. We need that ship back or whatever.

We need to make sure that we have as many ventilators as possible. Because, again, it's like, the whole point, like, you're just a race all of that lockdown if, you know, if there isn't, if there isn't fucking, like, preparation right now to deal with the massive spike that these protests

should cause. If, you know... Yeah, if it's real. If it's, I mean, it's real. It's never been that it's not real. It's that the peak would have happened anyways. We would have had these cases and that whatever difference it made,

the lockdown was insignificant and the hospitals wouldn't have been fucking overwhelmed if they didn't lock down and just issue general guidelines about social distancing or whatever. Right. Do you think that's just going to pop off or no? I have no idea. I mean, I mean,

it's like, it's not nice, but it's like, it is. If it doesn't, then I was right. If it does, then I was wrong. So, I mean, it's like... If it does what, I miss the last one. If it does, then I was wrong. I mean, if there is, like, a massive spike,

because it's like, there was a way where it was going to be like, okay, we're going to ease into reducing these restrictions. And it's like, well, even in that context, it doesn't make any sense because from the get-go, it was like, you know, we have a vaccine or something, you know? Yeah.

So, the whole premise of opening up before that happens didn't make any sense. But now it's like, they've blown this fucking release schedule. You have like a shit ton of people congregating. It's like, you know... I know. There's no...

It's too late. It doesn't fucking matter. So, if you don't see a spike, then it's like, well, what is there going to be an explanation for that? Probably not. I mean, they'll probably get away with just saying, like, oh, it's good, you know, we already fixed it. Outdoor... What I saw is like, people saying like,

outdoor transmission is a big deal. In which case, like, well, people do shit outside. Right, no, that is true. And that information was available to people prior to these protests happening. It's like, there were studies that say outdoor transmission isn't happening for the most part.

There were studies in South Korea that showed it's mostly people in confined spaces together for a period of time. Which that is fucking pissing me off, because, like, I don't know, we were made to think, like, don't fucking do shit. Why couldn't businesses just fucking... Why couldn't restaurants serve outside

and we could even do... I mean, as fucking annoying as it is, you could have done some kind of outdoor comedy, like, we didn't have to shut everything the fuck down. Yeah, not shut everything down, but you consider that they told everybody to stay in their homes, and it's like, okay, well, who in this city is more likely to live in close quarters

than people? It's like, well, poor people. Who do they happen to be more often than not? It's like fucking people of color. So you have, like, these elevated death rates in those communities, and they're like, what could have caused that? It's like, I wonder. You know, it's like, you can't...

There's no way you can make an argument that the virus itself is racist. So unless you want to put it on the healthcare workers and say that they're giving substandard care to people of color, go ahead, you can blame them if you want. But you've been clapping for it at 5 p.m. They're all racist because they didn't do

a good enough job saving black people. Or there's some other circumstance there. It's like, you know, there's no, like, analysis of any of this shit. Yeah. You know, I, but whatever. I agree. Who fucking cares? I agree with you, Hans.

I'm just, I'm mad that I didn't do any looting. I'm mad that I already... What would you have wanted? You're just fucking looting a fucking squat rack? Um, like those fucking, those robes we had in Brisbane, dude. So maybe you should have gone to Soho. There's probably some kind of gay robe store.

I'm sure there is, you know. I'm sure it's too late. I'm sure all the fucking gay robes have been stolen already. I'm sorry, dude. They probably have been. Imagine me, like, fighting with a guy and getting shot outside of some gay robe store.

And that's how the podcast ends. This is where I get, fuck, I had it first. Just... Yeah, dude. The podcast is just me trying to do Bill Bershit. Yeah, dude. Well, uh, hey everyone.

Somebody caves my head in with a fucking ranch over a fucking, like a linen kimono. All right, Peter Nick. He did. He died trying to get a fucking... He died protesting. He died standing up for George Floyd. That's right. That's how we would spit it for sure. Mm-hmm.

You know, Nick talks a big game, but he was actually protesting for George Floyd and raising funds for COVID relief. Mm-hmm. So, um, he's a hero. He's dead. He did not get his shit split by a pack of gay men who were mad he was getting the nicest robe

in the gayest looting of all time. That's weird, because, I mean, I'm never in that neighborhood. I used to live over there. I lived in China. But, yeah, the fashion of that world, it's just like gay black guys dressed like Darkwing Duck. Yes, sir.

They're fucking Carmen Sandiego. They love that shit. They love those big hats, bro. Yeah, they love them. I don't get it. Spy versus spy with a scarf. Why did those hats start, like, initially? Because they're bigger than cowboy hats. What do you mean, like, in the world?

In the world. Well, all hats have had the same basic design, and then we kind of just fucked with it for, like, fucking 400 years. Why that big? The sun? Yeah, more coverage from the sun. Who needs that?

The big ass, like, zootsuit fedoras from, like, the, I don't know, what is that, the 20s in Los Angeles, the Mexican guys we wear. That's because, like, all the clothes were big. I see. I think that was partially, like, there was, like, war rationing going on, so you weren't allowed to have too much fabric,

so they were like, fuck supplies. Yeah, that was their form of stunting. We're gonna make the biggest ass fucking clothes. Supplies can suck my dick. I'm dipping my clothes in oil and eating a bunch of fucking chocolate. Hell, yeah, dude, zootsuits were, like, as cool as things got here.

What about the fucking, the oatmeal guy hats? The oatmeal guy hat, that's, like, the basic hat. Oh, I guess. You know, I mean, it's, like, a fucking, just, like, I mean, I'm trying to think what, like, uh... Yeah, I guess it's kind of like a cowboy hat.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, there's, like, the... Yeah, it gets provides coverage from the sun. Yeah, it's, like, a boss of the plane's hat is, like, the, like, that's, like, the typical hat shape. It might be a little bit higher than...

Um... Yeah. You know, but, yeah, I mean, just imagine, like, a button dome and a flat, you know, a flat brim. Damn, look how cool this guy looks. Who is he? I found it, I'm just looking at hats,

but you're all closing. Look at this guy, dude. Imagine being that guy. You're just a hat model. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, fuck yeah, this guy rocks. This guy rules, dude. Oh, wow, I'm getting really into hat models now.

You should be, you should be a hat guy. You got the big-ass beard. You gotta have a hat, you gotta have a hat. That's the next part of the look. That's the next part of all these hat models. You just typed in hat model? No, I typed in... Oh, fuck.

Uh, these fucking little... There's some fucking horrible ones here. Yeah. Like, I get the big flat, like, I get a big-ass hat if it's, like, strong or something light for when you're in the field. Yeah. But why a big black, like, felt type hat

that would be hot? You know what I'm saying? Your style is the answer. Why we're a track suit in the middle of summer? Well, that's form and function. What are you talking about? We just go around in a bathing suit. Well, we could have tear-away tracksuit

with a bathing suit underneath. That's the ultimate ready-for-anything look. Um, I want a nice bathing suit. Maybe you should get one, dude. I've never had a nice bathing suit. I've always had bullshit fucking bathing suits. You got a spring, brother. I want you to buy at least a $60 bathing suit.

Yeah. I want you to look in cute. You're gonna have to work those thighs out for the match that upper body, though. Yeah. I mean, they're proportional. No, you're ripped. You're nice up top. Yeah. I want some more leg meat on them fucking...

on them sticks, brother. Yeah. I want the bitches gnawing at your fucking quads. Yeah, I gotta do more squats. The problem is you can't until... That's why you should have looted a squat rack. I should have, but it's too late now.

I don't even know where to fucking get them, dude. Go to Dick's and try to do a one-man looting. You know what? Does Mack Weldon sell bathing suits? Oh, I thought squat racks. Um, accessories, hats, scarves, gloves, wallets,

slippers, do they have a robe? Uh, they should have a robe. Hold on. Let me see here. Maybe. Are we about to go organically into a read? I mean, maybe. I don't know. Um,

they do not have a robe. Fuck that. They don't have... Fuck that bullshit. They should have a fucking robe. They don't have, um... Oh, shit. Father's Day is coming up. Oh, fuck. Oh, well, I don't give a fuck. I just realized.

You get to fucking buy your dad some bullshit. Yeah. Goddamn it. Now I'm pissed. I looked at my calendar. I was supposed to beat the Sacramento punchline. That would have been cool. Sack Town, dude. Sack Town. That place sucks, Dick. It does suck.

And it's not even basketball season, so I can't watch the... It wouldn't have been. It would have been the playoffs, and the Kings probably weren't going to be in it. What a dog shit city, dude. Yeah, I've never been, but... It's like nothing. How far is it from San Francisco? I might have tried. I mean, now I'm just pretending what I would have done. It's like an hour and a half, I think.

I probably would have just gone stayed in San Francisco for like a day after, where it's just a hang, just a pool. That's some dumplings. The whole city feels like dying of an aneurysm. Sacramento? Yeah. I've never been there. It's just fucking shitty and boring.

And it's California. California has all this natural beauty, and they just like... They fucking blew it. The fucking capital just sucks, Dick. Yeah. Yeah, all I know is the Sacramento Kings. Why do they have a fucking team? Fuck Sacramento.

Damn it, I want a fucking... I want a bathing suit, dude. I want a cool bathing suit. Should I get the bathing suit from Casino Royale? Do you want to look tropical? What do you want to look like? Maybe I should get the Casino Royale bathing suit. Oh, the blue one? The red cock looks nice.

Yeah, the penis suit. I'm looking for something for my penis. I want a bathing suit that makes my cock look humongous. Dude, this would be cute. Yeah. Honestly, though, and I don't mean to say this, but... I don't know, man. You got to work those legs out

before you get this one. Although your dick is bigger than you'd think. So maybe your dick would look nice compared to your skinny legs, and you got a nice ripped upper body. No, my legs don't look bad. They need a pump. I'm looking at Daniel Craig right now.

He looks fucking hot, dude. Here you go. Here's my legs. I got updated. This is how bad my legs have gotten in quarantine. They're pretty thin, but they are cut up. Well, the thing is, you look, your upper body is looking cute as fuck. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, there you go.

Who are you sending this? What guys are you sending this picture to? Just me, dude. That's for progress photos for myself. But I'll tell you though. You're sending these to Evan Williams, and you guys are both talking about how jacked you are, aren't you? So until there's progress, and then I take it back. Your legs look nice, dude.

Then they will both be sent when people are... Your legs look good in this picture, but your dick looks bad. No, my dick looks good in the picture. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm your friend. You're lying to yourself. You're not lying to me. No, dude.

I'm telling you, you have a nice cock that looks nice to the eye, and you're not doing yourself any favors with the way you pulled it up to show your quads in the picture. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, dude. The problem is that I don't have expensive underwear.

You're probably right. Let's solve that. This is my promise to you right now. If fucking Sax Fifth Avenue is looted tonight, send me a text if you're one of the looters. Pick me up a pair of La Perla under... La Perla bathing suit.

What do you mean? No. I thought we were about to go into a read. Because I thought you were going to be like, the problem is I don't have expensive underwear. And I thought then we were going to be like, really? Where could you get some of this quality but not that expensive? Oh, no. I'm saying if you loot

Sax Fifth Avenue tonight and you want to pick me up a pair of expensive underwear. Yes. Get Nick the La Perla, Grigio Perla, blue swim trunks. That's what I want. I never realized that fucking Virgil, Texas is in Die Another Day. Or not Die Another Day.

In Skyfall. What do you mean Virgil, Texas? Virgil, Texas is like Q. The Q in Skyfall is just Virgil, Texas. Oh, I thought you meant he was literally in a movie. No. Oh, hey James Bond. Good to see you.

That would be so fucking funny. Listen, I was wondering if maybe you could kill this Russian guy that we've been having a problem with. Damn. I don't remember that movie. Are you going to tell me my dick looks bad

in that picture? Look at how bad it is. It doesn't look good, man. Look, I'm saying you've got a nice cock but it doesn't shine in this picture. Compared to this, this looks like dog shit. Wow. No. His cock looks nice in this.

No, it doesn't. Dude, I can't clearly see your cock. This picture you sent me of Daniel Craig. His helmet is nice and, you know, I see where it is. It's resting nice. It looks tasty. It looks good for the hand, good for the mouth.

We're having a long conversation about this after the show ends. I'm sorry. The thing is, I'm telling you your cock can look nice. It just doesn't in this picture. I don't understand why you're mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I'm postponing my anger until later.

I just want your cock to shine. And it's not shining. And for you to be mad at me right now is fucked up on your end, honestly. I'm not mad at you. Because if I was a bad friend, I would say, oh yeah, your cock looks fine. Because right now,

a coward would want to avoid this reaction that I'm getting. But because I believe in myself, I believe in you and I want your cock to look nice in bikini pics that you take, I'm telling you right now. Maybe I'll just get bikini bottoms. I will.

Now we're finally getting somewhere. Good to get pictures of myself taking as James Bond about wearing a bikini. Yeah, dude, you just get a fucking light blue fucking G-string. Oh, hey, James. We're going to need you to be trans for the next mission.

The problem is that Russia hates gay people. The new James Bond has to go help the LGBT community in Russia. We can see your penis. James, you have to go over there and fix them.

James, you have to get your penis cut off. We're getting our penis cut off, James. We've had enough of now James yet. Daniel Craig's only in the movie up until the scene where he gets the surgery. This all happens in the first five minutes and then he's replaced by Michelle Rodriguez.

Oh, hell yeah. He's trans and he's looking. He's transgender and racial. So this is what I look like now? This is what James Bond is? Five. No, I wouldn't be Michelle. Who would it be?

They'd probably make some British bitch. Some British? Michelle's too old. I hate to break it to you, man, because I know Fast and Furious movies mean a lot to you, but... Let's see how old Michelle Rodriguez is. How about the Fast and the Curious movies?

This is about... We're a family and sometimes we check out each other's cops. Sometimes we hold hands just to see how it feels. Man, there's a lot to go with on Fast and the Curious. I live my life

a quarter inch of penis at a time. Dumb! Why don't I bend over and you can look into my asshole? That sounds crazy, Brian. Sounds fucking crazy. They're just crazy enough to work. It's Fast and the Curious. That's good for me, dude.

Ludacris and Tyrese just sucking each other's cops. Fast and the Curious is six. Every time they add a character, he's not gay at first, but then he's gay in the next movie. He's getting the curious vibe. Yeah, at the end, he's just kind of like,

yeah, I could... I'll watch it. I'll watch it. Yeah, I can... I'll watch you guys kiss. In Curious 5, like the rocks, there's one thing I can't stand. There's these fucking fags.

In Curious 6, he's like, What's up, boys? It's good to see you part of the family. I'm not doing no gay shit. I've never had gay sex in my life. I'm not about to start now. Okay, I can get a little freaky. Whatever it takes to get the job done.

Put a pinky in my ass, but that's it. Go ahead, take a peek in my ass. If it takes... If that's what it takes to get the job done, go ahead and take a peek in my ass. Yes! Yeah. Alright, well, that's gonna do it for me.

Oh yeah, that's some good stuff. Alright, folks. We'll see you, I guess, by theshirtscome.town. By the shirts this Friday, I'm doing Stobby Solves Your Problems on Twitch. Tim Dillon will be the guest

and will be raising money for fucking... I think I'm gonna start donating to some mutual aid for places affected by the protests and whatnot. Anyway, yeah, Friday that'll be fun and then it's on YouTube also.

The fundraiser we did with Microscene comes out today, I think. And then we'll be going back to Australia in two weeks. Yeah, we're going back to Australia in six days now that it's fake. We've decided we're gonna go back there. They tried to reschedule this for

fucking like... It'll be two weeks and then we'll have your art back. Did you see those? They tried to make another Haka video go viral. It's like the Maori's do the Haka for Black Lives Matter. It's like, all right, we've seen

enough of the dance. The dance was always gay. We gave you a couple of tries to make it not gay. Listen, I don't even think it's... I think sometimes it can hit, but this is not gonna be it, man. It's not it. Especially because the one they tried to make viral was like half fat white people.

Yeah, well, the last one they did was like they're doing the Haka for firefighters in 9-11 or something. What the fuck is this? There was one that you would like where the New Zealand basketball players are doing it to the US at the Olympics

and they're like, we're 5,000 times better than you at basketball. This fucking gay ass dance doesn't scare us at all. And then they beat them by like 100 points. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, all right. Well, we're gonna... Bye, everyone.