The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 215 – The Taste Of my Ass Zero

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

taste you can feel

Um, do you not take the COVID test? Do they are testing from marijuana? Sure, we found out. Oh, my God, for real. The test came back. G.A. Y. Yeah, dude, they're sending. They're putting you on a list of chill people. Oh, fuck. The COVID test. I don't want them to know that I did I chill.

You know, be a fun move is you just get like white pages and find find like like heavily conservative areas and then call people up like just any, you know, the shotgun effort. You will record all the phone calls because it would be pretty funny. Yeah, prank call campaign. Recall the people in a conservative area and then you start saying like, yes, I'm calling. You got the name of the local hospital calling. Your your COVID test has come back and you are positive for antibodies.

So you just wanted to let you know that we are adding that to the total count of cases and we want to thank you because the president's saying a lot of really dangerous stuff about this deal. And because you're going to get a bunch that did not get the test. Right. And then what? That would be fun. You're one of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you. So we got your name is a Myers, isn't it?

Right. Of of up above court. That's right. Yeah. We have all your DNA. And now that it's being put now that it's proven not to be a hoax. Hello, sir. This is the deep state. Yeah, we're giving the money now. We're giving some of your money to trends. My name is James Bond Good afternoon, my name is Dr. Bond James Bond. I'm Jason Bourne and I'm Jason Bourne and it's a two. This is a three-way phone call from the hospital So let me know that you have tested positive for the coronavirus and we will be using that test to hurt the president

Have we seen Trump with a mask yet, dude? No, I'm trying to see him with the bane. I want to have a bane mask He gets a test every day. Bolsonaro today said did master for fags Yeah, he has it right. Yeah, doesn't he get coronavirus every week his whole country gets it He almost dies every week. Yeah, like it's like that guy's hysterical Yeah, and he like I get his whole thing is that he's a strong man. He's good at push-ups. He looks like he sounds like that He makes that sound all the time. Well, I think that's just Portuguese. It just sounds like that No, Portuguese is can be hot. How about I don't know narrow ball sack hair. Yeah, there you go. Mm-hmm

And you have to get rid of your ball here. You know it. It's just him but without nut hair You know that man's got a fucked up bush. It's a Trump to probably similar venue the prank. I was looking at real estate Obama's got probably tight pubes and you can buy you can buy a whole town This place is in the south for the entire town is for sale. Where you know like Georgia and shit how much? Like one and a half million dollars What do you get like a post office? Yeah, post office a fucking yeah, so the whole thing. Yeah, there's yeah Towns with a population of 500 towns bankrupt and they're like, well, I guess we'll let one man own the entire town

You can Sim City that shit. That's why we're just here to get it. They all have to suck your dick Yeah, I'm gonna get a little town in Georgia rename it slavery Rocks and just drive around in my rusted out to the Ville with the top saw I'm gonna wait in a white seersucker. How you doing boy? Hard out today. Isn't it miss miss Claudia? Colonel I'm gonna say something man. I'm gonna say something to him. Nah, I don't that faggot ass white boy on the whole damn town Can't stop

The podcast factory is too powerful that little faggot ass white boy on every building in this goddamn town When podcast came to this town stay cool out there fellas. Yeah, you just have people. Yeah, you just have shirtless people in infields, but on computers editing podcast, right? This is the trunk is ripped off and you're riding back there in a jumper seat facing it facing the other way eating chicken wings So drive that coupe the bill around the slavery rocks, Georgia You provide everyone with Everyone has John everyone has health insurance. You're a good, but you just the aesthetic will be slavery. Yes

It's a great place to work, but there is a catch You just look like Colonel Sanders I was thinking about they do like jigsaw or saw seven or whatever Oh, and he's like in front of you was a fucking knife It's a there's bomb it's gonna go off Unless in front of you is a camera live streaming directly onto Twitter If you don't put on this blackface You've spent your life cancelling people

Now you can cancel yourself. You have to cancel yourself cancel yourself for die. You have to put all blackface in tags These the Abrams you have to call you have to call Thomas That dumb bitch from Will and Grace Debra Messing told I don't remember she told a black woman that she'll have um, Stacey Abrams call her about democracy Yeah, I couldn't really fucking rock I could really dumb bitch figure out what she said Twitter's trending topics thing broke. It used to work where you'd be like, oh

Pasta primavera is trending. I'll see what this is about and you click on it It's like it's the ninth annual pasta primavera thing and then it's like now it's death Oh, you click on possible Vera, and it's like fuck John Anderson and fuck his pasta primavera And everyone in that town is racist Like what happened? Yeah, there's no way to get the underlying information. What is pasta primavera? It's it's the first pasta they ever know the season. Yeah, it's the spring pasta primavera Vera Vera means ring. It's got I think it doesn't cherry tomatoes in it. Maybe it sounds a lot. Hold on. I gotta look It's fresh

Yeah, I feel like I don't know. Maybe if the trending topics are tailored for me or my Geographic location. Oh guys kissing. No, I feel like guys kissing with their shirts off and their dicks hard for some reason They're not out, but their heart you can tell their heart through their jeans. No, that's not I don't why is that? Why is that every trending topic in your phone? No, that's not on my trending Let me check mine girls with big tits being a cool guy. How did you get that? I don't know I guess that's that's what it is. Oh boy mine tactically getting back into Legos isn't I gotta be honest. I'm looking at pasta primavera. There's a lot of vegetables make your arm Reese's PCs at home

Without they're not that aren't tainted that the government hasn't put fluoride in Why is it called possible there? Oh mean springtime. I see you're right For the best and brightest of spring vegetables, no, thanks pass if I'm eating fucking spaghetti It's with fucking a fuck ton of tomato sauce. I just cheese. I just read that Norman Finkelstein tweet again Oh, yeah, read it. I challenged Netflix to explain why they didn't play the tape recording that confirms my wife and daughter We're gang bang by Jeffrey Epstein and the Los Angeles Rams right in front of me while I was wearing my underwear He it's gotta be he's trolling. What's his face? Yeah, he's gotta be what the fuck what do you mean you think you think you would be seriously using the term gang bang

So autistic but if autistic I using gang bang signals to me that he's tempting joke He's gotta be but I don't understand what because it's fucking Dershowitz did tweet something Like I challenged in Netflix. Yeah to prove present like a video of me fucking a child Yeah, which has never happened that it's never you know, he was like on he was like I hope there's video Because it would show if I would not be in it I would not be fucking a child in it if you watch the OJ Simpson trial not once was I fucking a child When I was on his I've done video. I've done video television appearances

I've done a thousand have I ever once been caught having sex with a child in my book the case for Israel I never had sex with the child Not once God damn Dershowitz is like kind of the like that could potentially have just gotten curved By a kid. Yeah, absolutely. If somebody's not gonna get pussy A child a child probably should be like I'm good. I'm a slave, but yeah, God That's the kind of energy you have that I can I feel confident to turn you down Is that they people were saying they found you Lane Maxwell's reddit account today?

And I haven't really looked into it too much, but if it is her account, it would be very a very funny and The one because it's like one of the most successful reddit accounts of all time. That would be awesome She is the most karma. Yeah, the first it was the first account to ever reach a million karma. She was moderating. I heart dog Is yeah, she was posting chunky boys But then they're also like the accounts like a resistance lib. Oh fuck. Yeah, if it yeah, if it that would be I think people are saying and Andrew is gonna be going down. He's like Prince there's yeah, he's top of the list to go down now We'll see what the fuck it means to be a fucking prince, dude

Yeah, because if he can skate on this then my respect to the crown, but otherwise you guys have lost your juice Yeah, some bitch that was on suits stole your son and now you now your pet you can't even be a pedophile while your prince What's even the fucking point of royal time for that shit to end anyways? I mean it's already having to like Salute these fucking Wallace and Gromit faggots. Yeah, don't get me wrong Hey, it's they it's fucking embarrassing to have a queen. Yeah, but I'm trying to say I don't have any self-respect as a British person. I know royalty you have to pay taxes and they have Inbred family just getting this they don't do shit. That's like we had we did that America They tried to label the Kennedys as royalty and we said that no

No, we'll take out that whole thing Don't even try and get a pilot's license bitch. Yeah, you motherfucker stay on the ground Oh, we can see you your brother your son and your black friend Okay, and you know what we're gonna let your fat brother kill a woman and get away with it Yeah, just to be funny. And then when he just expects it a lot bang brain cancer with the brain cancer Hit him with the cancer ray the second. We're about to have Medicare for all They killed John McCain with the being 90 years old With the fucking the 87 year old man gun the 87 forms of cancer gun

Yeah, a tortured by Vietnamese and survived Man Yeah, dude, I can't it's so fucking embarrassing They should they honestly you could you could be a queen and shit But they take all your money and you get to live in like a nice apartment. I guess Don't really matter after all, huh? What happened? I nothing. I'm just gonna start saying every story

Anything that happens I'm gonna say well Looks like black lives don't really matter after We're post-take I don't think that all of the takes have been had the good and the bad Yeah, and now you could just say anything whatever the fuck you want doesn't need to make any sense at all No, vice published something today. I saw that was like could classifying Racism as a mental illness helps solve the problem. Awesome. It's like that is that honestly Even make that basic sense that checks out and it not only would work. It would never be abused It seems completely legal and

And smart it's smart. It's good for people with mental illness It's a great idea aren't races not even have but also to say To think and to type up to think once to say out loud To tell it a bunch of other people after you said it once and then be like I'm actually gonna publish this as a piece I'm gonna yeah, I'm gonna put That's good. It's good. It's it's not the type of thing you should think one save damn I'm a dumb asshole and then go back to playing fucking Crash Bandicoot or whatever the fuck you were doing You guys ever play the crash Bandicoot the new ones that they put out on PlayStation

No, you mean the read those just where they dressed up the graphics. Yeah. Yeah, I got well I won't Well with Amber I got it and Amber my ex-girlfriend Pretty fun, but I'm not that good at it. Yeah, I'm not good at either. It's for girls It is for girls and that's good at it Christina was good at it Crash Bandicoots and Spyro were for girls Spyro. I fucked with yeah, cuz I'm not a girl. You're a girl That's story about me and my friend Adam grow like when we were little kids growing up Well, we watch TV and there would be like come on. We watch like, you know cartoons or whatever Yeah, they'd be like commercials for toys and if it was ever Barbie or whatever

We would like you would be like a race to not look at the TV. Yeah, you're watching it cuz you're gay I Imagine like you have a kid and they're like five and you just you're like no you're a faggot I don't understand these concepts That's awesome. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, pretty cool. You're watching the girl you think you it's about my little pony It's for you faggot Yeah, where the fuck is my you who where the fuck is my juice? Where's juice tell your bitch mom

No, I gave I want my own unopened fucking gummy snacks. I bet you put you kept those in your fucking ass Mm-hmm. I bet you kept the fruit by the foot out of your ass Yeah, I remember him and his brother one time They were like we made you chocolate milk and I was like what's going on. Yeah, yeah And then on there like the front porch of their house. There's a cup. That's clearly just been like They're like we left it out here to keep it You know the temperature milk should be warm Like right, sure. Yeah, we made a kid drink piss that just moved from Israel

In retrospect now that was that was a political thing Yeah, we made him drink did he like it What did you tell him it was we're like, you know, do you want some? I don't know what what we told him he got piss he pushed he pushed he pushed me in the pool my friend's pool, but yeah And then he held you down years later in the mouth years later he He was he was fucking my friend's older sister And then got cheated on by another kid that just moved from Israel Whoa, and then that girl had a really sad this bitch had a type she had a really she dated a guy

Who made her and her sister have threesomes? Oh, what the fuck was really sad and she was the first She she gave me my first Would she fuck her sister? Yeah, she would do it for the funny You always like you always do this for stories like yeah that girl. She was so badly abused. I also raped her But I feel bad. She had sex with everyone. Yeah It's like the same thing with the strip club girl. Yeah, what are you talking about? We're you're like it was really sad actually, but everyone would go see her. Oh, right You just Adam

No, it was like ten boys It did feel bad when I got there I love it when it's like almost about the rain this makes me want to go like on oh, dude That little that little pre-rein breeze licking up your nutsack. There's nothing better than that I love to be like going for a hike right now. Yeah, you know, you take a break Maybe sit down eat a cliff bar some blueberries. Yeah, you're like, yeah, I'll tell you some probably I probably burned a shake 35,000 calories For 10 minutes. Yeah, it's time to have

Trails endurance athlete. I need you. I need gorp I'm gonna bust out my my entire Coleman stove So it's time to set up camp my make smoke ribs for nine hours my trip to Catoctin State Park Walked 35 feet from my vehicle And now make an entire pasta Look possible that's my take why ever go there to talk to fresh in Maryland. Yeah, I've been there. It's very pretty Yeah, I think I have they got they got full like ravens there that just hang out Mm-hmm. You ever see them what part of Maryland is like north north of Frederick. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I've been there once while I was it when I was at UMBC Cuz Fredrick's not too too far state parks are great. Love them. Yeah, national parks even better Yeah, I've never I don't know if I've ever been to a national park We should hit up a national park this summer a nationalist park and Natty Park Welcome to Yellowstone It's this is nationalist park yellow national Yellowstone nationalist park See that elk over there I'll kill him if he was a Jewish person

But he's not so the animals are hands-off Respect nature Unless it's Jewish unless it's part of Jewish nature. I just oh, yeah, I asked you yesterday any tree with a yarmulke You can cut it down. Hold on. Oh, never mind. Sorry. I thought that condor was a black man. I was about to kill him It's a beautiful part of nature beautiful bird No, I don't work here Matter of fact, I'm barred from the premises. In fact, they asked me to leave

I'm a voice actor for anime I've been out of work since COVID started Here I am at the park here, I am just trying to spread racism trying to spread racism Jeff just a regular anime voice over actor Yes, racism here in Yellowstone. Yes, sir. I did accidentally teach myself Japanese But I am none too pleased. I'm what you would call an otaku Problem is is the whole Dubs not subs movement kind of memed itself into popularity and now nobody wants

Now but nobody wants dubbed anime anymore Yes, I've lost my job because of the internet Mm-hmm. He sounds hot though. We should probably suck his cock. Wouldn't you say Adam? No, I would not As a matter of fact, I would walk into my Try not to do gay shit Do you think that's on a sister's pussy who? Oh in the threesome? I don't know I found out that this happened after it's kind of a high school Mario and Luigi situation. Yeah

They didn't fuck peach. They after high school you got his own. Yeah, but they're siblings, right? Yeah I describe anyone being siblings. Oh, here's my here's my sister and what's that? Yeah, be just like mentally ill in a way where you can still function. So you just shit like that You're like, I guess yeah, I guess well, isn't it people who are like profoundly autistic Can teach themselves how to speak by like memorizing Disney movies and shit kind of yeah I don't know if that's even remotely true. No, I listen to it on I think This American life. Wait. Wait. Don't don't tell me wait. Please suck me. Yeah

The quiz show for being gay And if you're lucky that fat guy with a deep voice will be on your voice message Oh, I'll put a voicemail in your fucking machine. This shit is so good. You fucking homo Don't tell me Philadelphia in a cab and the cab driver was listening to it. Oh God. I was like, I'm sorry. I'm driver Are you supposed to be a Philadelphia cab? This is so far off base That I got me like I feel like I'm please just drive me the hospital. I'm having a stroke

It doesn't make any sense to me. That's the equivalent of smelling to burnt hair. Yeah, is you're in a cabin Philadelphia in the cab drivers Listen to NPR. Yeah, something's wrong cognitively. Well, it would be like if you were in San Francisco And you called a lift and a Priya showed up and there was healing crystals hanging off the fucking like rearview mirror And then it was like Rush limbaugh here Yeah, like just turning it up. Yeah, what are you doing research? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm listening to it to make sure that you know, they don't do anything too gay Yeah, I know where they film it. Yeah, you got to keep an eye on them if they do gay shit

I'm gonna fuck them up Got to make sure they're not doing anything gay I'm gonna take a little day trip down to Philly. I miss Philadelphia. Why not? It's a nice city. It's it's the best city in America. It's so much closer than I realized I don't know why the fuck it's so easy to take a day trip fucking an hour and ten minutes. Yep I don't know about that traffic depending. Yeah, no, we're ten. Yeah, dude. You could you could hit it from here from here Yeah, Queens. If you take Arizona five minutes. Yeah, I got back from good good to when I borrowed your car And I cover the middle of the night you get that middle of the night. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I drive back. I drove back and I

There's a comic who like I'd only met like a couple of times from Jersey Move to New York and he was like, yeah, can I y'all come get a rob back with you? I was like, all right, sure. And then we just didn't speak an hour and a half. Yeah, you can just let me off here Respect. Yeah, that easily can happen with comic you get to the right comics. You're definitely one of those guys Yeah, and you can spend a nice amount of time in pure silence. Yeah, no, it was not a comfortable silence either It was like I was like Fargo, but yeah, both of us are the Swedish guy. Yeah Jesus what a fucking kill you to say something

Okay, two of us can play that game pal You sit here in silence. All right, P. It ever in that end in the sopranos You just thought that he was dead because you watched him die in a TV show Yeah, and you had to correct yourself before that blew up. What do you mean? You said all right character dies He does die, but I said in that and the soprano you for a second. You thought you'd see Buscemi was dead I did not think I'm I know exactly that he's alive. He's in the king of Staten Island. Thank you very much very recently It's crazy that he was he went into the towers on 911. Do you know that Buscemi? He was working as a firefighter. He was like a volunteer firefighter. I did not know that

Yeah, dude. He was like on because he's a volunteer firefighter. Holy shit. All one of the trucks that responded you rocks, dude Of course, that's not true It's very funny to say I could totally I bought that you see because he seems like a good guy Yeah, and he lives in Brooklyn, right? Yeah at the same time that he was already The actor Steve Buscemi. He was Volunteer why not? He's weird. Yeah, I saw it when I first moved you gotta take a break from shooting I got to go respond to 911 I'll be back in a maybe about an hour

The you know what a favorite did you I don't know if one of you even told me this but Now I'm thinking 911 and the They were shooting the Dana Carvey movie. Where's a turtle? Oh, yeah, the turtle club scene. Yes Yeah, yeah, the master of disguise That's a famous Stop production minute break

They're making one of the worst movies Thought of as perhaps the worst His name is like an Italian guy named like Marcus disguisey or something. Oh my god It's funny it's cuz like the guys that came out of the best era of SNL like went on to They just they gave him too much rope, you know, oh, yeah, and just produced fucking dog shit Yeah, just do whatever, you know, it's like cuz I remember I used to watch Wayne's world all the time as a kid And I don't know if it necessarily holds up or if the jokes were repeated so many times They don't even register as jokes. It could be put as a little calm a little calm be because like even it's funny

the line where they see the cop and like, you know The cop says something to Wayne and he's like no way and the cop goes way Which like people have said like that's been a way to respond. Yeah For so long that you forget at a time because of that movie is because of that scene where way would be like an absurd Response to the statement no way that people used to make all the time. It's kind of a Mario and Luigi It's totally I was just gonna say that classic Mario classic kind of like also like a baby Bowser Bowser situation Kind of like a Monty mole boo No, it's not like that. It's okay. It's like the other two. All right. What is their relationship?

They're both in their co-workers party Yeah, I'm a miss Mario party. I Got to be on the three of us playing Mario party. I need it to be a little harder We should I mean it is a game for I know it's for babies, but I needed to be stepped up Why we can play Mario Party 2 I've got a better. It's more Mario Party 2 is the best of all. It's more adult Yeah, for sure. It's got duals. Oh, I remember duals. Doles are tight. It's for grown-ups Was that funny to you Oh, it's okay. All right, just wanted no, no, no, no, I just want to clarify

Okay, oh, I guess we're all having fun at Mario Party's expense right now. Yeah, I guess we're just gonna laugh at mario Oh, it's really you get really pissed playing Mario Party. Peace you fucking bitch Fucked a lot of times on the roll. I like that. You're complaining that it's not hard enough when you would just have temper tantrum First of all, it's called having a good time. Yeah, okay What's the point of gambling if you're not up and down? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah It's a thrill of competition. Yeah, there's nothing. There's no good without evil. It's so funny But I have to say memories of playing the switch Mario Party as I do that time we went to that You know, we were in fucking Brisbane or wherever it was and what I'm actually remembering having a good time doing is sneaking into

My bedroom to take another tram at all every 30 minutes I swear to God, I think I had like eight or nine fifty Well, criminals don't they're not that they don't hate you that I don't hate you that hard, but that's too much Yeah, that's definitely too much. Yeah. Yeah, I knew you were high again because you were like you came up to me in that bar in Melbourne And you're like you're a good guy He's using Making myself laugh thinking about the guy like everybody talking about they got an iPhone

I get some pussy Phone iPad computers you're getting more fucking pussy. I get some pussy. That's what I get I get you get some pussy Why don't you get some pussy? I'm talking about give me some pussy I ain't downloading shit, but no pictures and titties. I've downloaded me some pussy. That's what I download Download a piece of pussy Let me know when you could do that Going to Kinko's to ask them how to download

Why don't you show me how to download some where to put? I got easy pass so I can go to the beach man I want you past the pussy over here. That's what I'm saying. I want easy pussy. Easy U.S.S. why? They got this thing called easy pass now. I'll sing them what if they had a thing called like easy pussy When you put it on your car and the bitch's paintings just fall off That's awesome. That's a great bit. Oh, no, I love that. I could write you three hours of those open Mike Yes, the panties just fall the fuck

You ain't got to touch the horn my man go touch the horn say hold up pull his hand away watch this you just tap on it It's right up there on the window. You don't even see Easy pussy That's what I need. I'm talking about easy pass. How are you going to talk about easy pass? I can pass no problem. I need some pussy though. Me and Hampton used to do that He's just like driving like open mics or whatever and he had me going one time with like man He's like, how you gonna just how you gonna just eat a McDonald's? He's like you just say anything

They're talking about internet what about in a in a pussy How you just go go on line Man, well, you can't go go on up on a pussy. How the fuck you gonna change your all How you motherfucking I Miss it. Those are the simplest years of my life. Just do open mics Go work as a paralegal during the day not do anything. I'm just doing all of Mike's as a teenager as you can still smoke in In Virginia in Virginia and in DC. Really? Yeah, my freshman year of college. You can still smoke. Yeah

I used to do DC mics and just chain smoke at bars all night. Yeah There's no questions. I didn't look old either. I mean, no, look like a child My freshman year of college. I like became friends with all these like Cuban kids from Miami whose parents were like No, you didn't they had their parents black cards You say friends, I don't think I don't think you did. No, and they they used to go to this club They should call them L. Lion Gonzalez My man came over here on a raft to pretend he had friends in Cuba. No, no, they're from Miami got Janet Reno on the TV Looking like a motherfucking guess who character

There was a there's a club called Platinum And that they Wasn't playing no, they used to get bottles at the in the white room at Platinum That rocks just fucking 18 year old boys smoking cigarettes While like adults were at a club just like sitting like not looking at women That's awesome. Just drinking Stoley. Yeah, but you had to mix it yourself because that's bottle service Yeah, you get a fucking. Yeah, you get a carafe of orange juice in cranberry juice and seltzer. Yeah Which is almost like you should be that be at your house. No, we should when New York comes back

We should go to one. No, we should go to the meatpacking district. I can't I can't anymore They kick me out for fucking everybody every girl there My my friends ex-girlfriend went to high school with this NBA player Terry Rhodes here Oh, yeah, Terry. I used to beg her when he was like playing the Knicks. I was like, please can we go to one? Terry Terry cast the fuck out the Hornets fucking paid him big to be just okay. Yeah, but salute to him He's from Cleveland salute the Cleveland zone scary Terry scary Terry. He had some big moments He busted Eric Bledsoe's ass in the play. I remember that Yeah, but he go chase that bag Terry

Terry Terry short for anything Terrence Terrence, maybe I think it's short for a lot of things What else Richard Richard what everything is short My name's Richard Nick a lot of people know that Richard Mullen Richard Did you You're like what what it's not it's his name family family name My name is Nick and my one of my favorite names was always Richard

Elvis his name is his mom's name mix with his grandmother's name Salute to that name doesn't even exist in Albania. I Know there's like there's like your friendship is beautiful. There's like Hispanic ones It's Hispanic LDCs the two countries are sworn enemies You guys with a fox in the hound you guys are the you know, yeah, you're Israeli Palestinian Albanian That's right. That's a beautiful friendship. Oh, yeah, I miss LD. Yeah, I know how the fuck is he gonna get a girlfriend not ask us first Should have asked you to ask for permission to ask the squad

I at all my boys have to ask me for permission to get girl. I haven't checked in on the open mic scene But like I mean it hasn't happened. I know but I mean in years. I haven't yeah, and if wokeness took away Like now completely politically incorrect black comedy Then that is the gravest injustice that we need to do an open letter about that That would be that would be like if they just got rid of all of jazz. Yeah, one of the one of the only like uniquely American art What was the room on U Street karma was it to Bach to but to Bach. Yeah, I used to go there if I just wanted to be alone Shots out to Rallo. Yeah. Yeah, I loved it there. Rallo. He's over that mic was so fun Rallo would just do like 40 minutes up top

Yeah, I remember there's some fat Hispanic guy. He's like my man looks like a teddy That's right. My man said he got his jacket on Rallo is so funny. Yeah, tobacco is good. Seriously gay sex is disgusting I'm just gonna just get right to death in a bath Nah Just him at Wonderland ball was I there too in a hipster. I think you were there I think I was the back of the room was dying. He was just like crushing with like whoo. She looked like she got pink Aerolus. Yeah, yeah, I like skin girls, man. They got them green palm veins

And It's just suddenly like record scratch. Yeah, nah, how you gonna have gay sex? You're just trying to get raped to death in a bathroom And it's like I can only sort of barely see what he's saying. I don't know what I don't even know the point is that like To overgeneralize gay sex is being in like intentionally high risk on top of just the physical act of gay sex Where it's not just two guys fucking each other, but it has to be like bearbacking a stranger. Yeah cruising But she shouts out to Pachina Yeah, he's like I saw this movie

Pachino goes into this leather clue They put fists in guys asses Yeah Damn It's time to it's what's time it's time for is to have Use all the money to get plastic surgery. So we look like different people and we start over at Oka mics And it's just yeah, that's that's Marlowe's Stanfield

Oh, man, it just curbs on I watched a YouTube compilation of Marlowe's Stanfield scenes awesome the other day Sounds awesome a lot of good stuff. Yeah, he rock He had no like redeeming qualities though. He was just seemed pure evil. Yeah, which was pretty fucking tight But like stringer and Avon had like they were like There's good. That's the whole they're just the characters introduced in the first season. Maybe you'd like them better Yeah, so you have like an emotional attachment to them I guess I mean at the end it's like clear every everything is the same. Yeah Yeah, just because it's CC BC doesn't mean he's not a fucking sociopath

Dude, we should go to community college for what? Well, I'm gonna go for painting Try to cruise in on some art school pussy Community college pussy. It's just like just like fucking kids that like to draw cars Yeah, community college for art just painting Tom Myers No matter what the assignment is mm-hmm I remember when I worked at a community college the vibes of the cafeteria were awesome There was like a fucking there's like a like the nerds that like that set up literally would set up like They were playing magic the gathering and sometimes bring computers in and like have land parties in this community college cafeteria

Just exactly you're thinking fat fat guy ponytail just acne. Yeah, awesome awesome guys. Yeah, those guys absolutely wrong What happened to those guys? I mean, I guess you know because they were stupid like they're their geeks not nerds Nerds are smart. They were nerds, but the dumbest people you've ever met in your life. Yeah Yeah, I made friends with like those people and you would think they're very smart and then you find out that no they're often not Yeah, no, they're not nice. They're not it's an assumption. There's it like that like like 80s Tell of their movies drilled it into revenge of the popular people are inherently sadistic and evil right and that the nerds are like good No popular people are cool. I Mean, it's it's a mix. I mean, yeah, that's all determined by how much money your family has and whether or not you're attracted

It's like it has nothing to do with Your underlying morality, right, right, right or what your vibes are like, right? And oftentimes if you're rich, you're probably more pleasant because your life has been easy as fuck You're either like kind of nice or a complete piece of shit. Yeah, that's true I was I remember like the nerd tip. We probably talked about this whereas those kids are probably like white trash, but like Like Dragon Wolf t-shirt their dad calls them gay. Yeah, he's even in the house anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean They're all and some people are just Chinese They're born Chinese you think it's like you think it's like a caterpillar type thing a metamorphosis

But no, it would be funny if Chinese people forms cocoons And then like the middle school they'd be like now in health class explain like now some of the students the Chinese students Will be in cocoons You may go into the locker room and it will be very damp Filled with silk Students have been entombed themselves in cocoons and it's racist to disturb those And when they come out, they'll be able to bleed acid and chew your skin off Oh them and it's racist to not let them do that

So they would go from Chinese is some kind of super sort of kind of monster monsters. Oh, yeah, I see They're in there. That would be funny. Fuck you bitch Wait till I go cocoon Just you wait, bitch. I get a cocoon. Then we'll see It's like, yeah, you gotta not fuck with the Asian kids cuz right around 12 13 they Set up shop down in the locker room and they all go into their cocoons and when they come out They could you know, they can kill you. They can kill you. Can they speak English though? Like do they still sound exactly

Yeah, who laughs now But They're just giant slug monsters with fangs, but they look like that dragon that they make on the street. Yes So they all look like little those dragons, yeah, but that that Fucking that face with the kind of pulled back Eyes are all bulging very scary. Yeah, they got little whiskers. Yeah, I love how they give dragons whiskers Mm-hmm Cuz you got a Chinese type of you got a Chinese type of dragon and you have like the British type of drag

Yeah, how did they both get dragons? You know because it had completely different fucking names and they weren't worth called dragons But but they breath breathe translated. They're like, I will guess we'll call this thing. Oh, really? Well, they called I mean they had a name presumably some Chinese word. What about the British people? They were called dragons But the concept of a winged beast that breathes fire the Chinese ones don't have wings They don't do they fly though. Yeah. No, they don't fly. They fly through the air. They're just sort of snake around the that's They fly yeah, they got like 12 guys inside of it. I know I've seen the version they do for parades I think they fly. I'm pretty sure but in myth. They definitely fly

Mm-hmm. You got to I'm gonna start culturally appropriating the pantomime dragon. Okay. I'll let's see and see who gets mad What's the end game there? Why Just for your YouTube channel you guys start doing Cultural appropriation and see who gets mad. We're gonna you were on what would you do? I'm John Kenyonez and we brought a Chinese New Year dragon into this restaurant All patrons knocking shit over is it full-size one? It's just 35 people and then like people are like what the fuck is going on

Yeah, and then the head guy takes that top and he's like wiping his brown It's a white man and then he puts it back on and they're zooming in on people just reacting and nobody says anything He's like you leave ma'am. I'm John Kenyonez with with what would you do? How did you feel when you saw that the Chinese dragon was actually a bunch of white guys? She's like what? I don't I'm just trying to eat my mashed potatoes. We're just trying to have mashed potatoes here He's like, okay, ma'am. Please leave to get the fuck get out. You're racist get out now So you don't condemn this kind of behavior get the fuck out piece of shit Ma'am, how did you feel when I had sex with a child in front of you? Mm-hmm. Why didn't you stop?

I'm just trying to eat my mashed potatoes. I'm John Kenyonez and this is what would you do? They're upping the auntie He's doing hate crimes. He's raping children. They're calling people peeps Yeah, I would love to see a final season of what would you do that just every single scenario involves the Chinese New Year dragon We had a Chinese New Year dragon filled with people with Down syndrome Trying to order spaghetti at a restaurant while our plant yells at him for not being able to read Awesome. That's a good one. Can I have Biscayne ah come on you're wasting everybody's time your retard dragon

Somebody's like sir you leave that dragon alone So I'm John Kenyonez What made you speak out against this man berating the dragon? I Just like they do that, but every single time it's like, can you please leave there's too many people here? Yeah Now shit now I got a piss No, isn't it Sunday today? No today's the week Wednesday. Today's Wednesday. Yeah, damn Every fucking day just kind of blends. I know that dude. I had a steak for lunch. What did you have Adam?

I had leftover seafood pasta that I made last night. It was very tasty. You made it Good for you, mate I'm good for fucking you. Yeah, I had some squid had some shrimp in it Had a red sauce ever since Nick said he had to piss. I have to piss bought some fresh pasta Where'd you get it from from this Italian place in Red Hook? Wow. Yeah taking the whip out very authentic. Oh, yeah, I took the whip out, you know, no Um, someone picked it up. I didn't buy that but who? Two girls

Then they sucked off the whole team Wait, who's the whole squad why wasn't I here me and the rest of the LA ramp? Are you fucking you know how pissed I would be if you're you're describing a night where? Two girls brought pasta and fucking seafood and then suck the whole team off. Oh my god Can you think of a guy who would enjoy that more than me? No, I'll be honest. I don't know you get sucked off and then everyone else be getting sucked off They'd be kind of boring after a while. I feel like yeah, that's tough for the first guy who busts How many how many how many people are on the team? That's the problem with running a train? I

Imagine I'm not interested in running a train I've never been part of it, but it's like you go too early that it's boring you go too late You're just jacking off the post. Yeah, and the pussy's been blown out. The pussy's been blown out You're waiting. It's gotta go. You know how everyone's like I don't like waiting in lines to begin Well, you know how everyone's like they should board the plane back of the plane Starting at the back of the plane it makes so much sense right in gangbanks They should fuck in order of whose dick is the biggest small right the smallest should go small as guy gets to go That is the most democratic system. It's the only way

It's the only way the smallest guy should go and that's a nice little nod to the small dick community Because most of life It's a detriment potentially small dick guys have always steered clear of gangbanks and perhaps it's a it's a beautiful Experience that they're missing out on totally. I don't know as a small dick guy Yeah a member of the community. I Have you gotten a fucking paperless post To a gang bang and then you just look down at your pathetic little fucked up mangled cock

You know and you're like I wish you're like what I'm not to get there early wait in line to get to go first Cuz it's really a bonding experience between men And it's not even about you know, it's about community. It's about Yeah Fuck when we're talking about being afraid to do gay stuff as a kid I remembered when the trailer for the bird cage came And there's a scene that they played in the trailer where Nathan Lane's trying to drink out of a glass But he can't keep his pinky down

And I didn't know that that was a gay thing to do and then I drank out of a cup and my pinky went up Oh, and then I just became terrified the rest of my life. Oh, you were gay. Yeah, I became terrified That you thought you were Nathan Lane. I I want uh, oh Italian Italian cheesecake What's the difference between Italian cheesecake and regular cheesecake? It's a little bit more savory. I Could laugh that sounds good. Yeah, it's got kind of a good It's a ricotta. Is it I've only ever had a crustless cafe reggio Is an Italian reggio? Isn't that that's where Adam buys his weed? Yeah at reggio fucking smoking Reggie

I go to cafe midses I only smoke heads, dude. Yeah, I go to cafe exotic Headies drug talk to a minimum. Yeah, I agree this feds it listen to the show. Oh really dude I love that like what suck my dick federal is like like fucking anarchist move on the internet where they think they're all Personally under like, you know, it's 15. Yeah, that's that's stage three is you think that the government's trying to kill you Yeah, they're like, yeah, this is definitely a scyop. No, maybe they just let you fucking Embarrass yourself in front of the national media by trying to set up your own society in front of an old blockbuster You think they still had any fucking candy in there

Blockbuster, I'll give them credit. They had a lot of candies You miss the candy. They had a good candy selection. I worked a blockbuster Because they had to make there was it was kind of the concession model as well They're trying to make money on concessions. Yeah, I mean my Like the pits of being fat was like going to blockbuster running a movie and then getting that candy that was just a spray Oh, yeah, you would mace the back I remember that spray brother like a binocca. Yeah, honestly, it's like as close as you could get to it Just being a fucking IV filled with insulin that you put into your arm

So you could get the response of your feel that way have your pancreas shutting down They make those for weed now Yeah, THC binocca. It's crazy how little self-control I have I had like a birthday cake sitting around for my birthday Never got made and I saw I made cupcakes yesterday. I made 24. Oh birthday cake mix. Yeah I made 24 cupcakes and out of the 24 guess how many I ate in one sitting 11 14 actually. Yes, exactly 11. Wow. That's why we're such good friends And then I guess how long it took to eat the rest of them About 12 hours. So they're already gone. Three hours. Three hours. Yeah, I

I under 24 cupcakes shit. I'm about to go buy cake mix and make cake now. Yeah, jealous. That sounds awesome No, that was not the moral of the story No to self 24 I Read you loud and clear chief That's what I had a conversation with my therapist and he was like Are you even enjoying when you go on like a bender shut up and no no no no no no be quiet No, no, no, no, he was like therapy over the phone. No zoom

This is this is a while ago. I do zoom now, but this is a while ago and And I was like, you know what? I'm not and he was like and then what I took from that is you know what? I'm gonna enjoy these fucking benders. Yeah, I'm gonna have a nice time I'm gonna stop That is the first step is like you should figure out like because if you can re-associate it with like I Shouldn't deprive myself of things that I actually enjoy doing. Yeah, then you can I I feel personally based on nothing and not being an expert That like you do want to just like re-assess because it's with like drinking the healthiest thing would probably to be to be able to Establish some degree of moderation and be able to reason moderation doesn't work

Is if you're like an alcoholic and you like like well, I'm gonna just have two beers Yeah, it's like you're forcing yourself to only have those two beers and you're like you hate your either You're not enjoying the two beers and you're not enjoying it. It's like yeah You you kind of want to like if there's a way we're like, okay I have as many beers you should be able to get to a place We're like you can have as many beers as you want and eventually naturally you only want to be You know with the same thing was like binge eating is like the healthiest thing Would be if you're like yeah if I want cupcakes I can have cupcakes, but then you only have two cupcakes, right?

You know, but I'll be having which may be impossible. Exactly. You're gonna eat the entire box Because once it's done, it's out of the way. It's gone. It's not I don't I don't need to have it hanging over my head Mm-hmm. This I don't have this kind of thought process with anything else in my life. Nope It's not work where I'm like well if I get it done now, I don't have to worry about it. I'm not that guy but when it comes to Consuming something I shouldn't have access to all I think about it's like if I have 24 cupcakes today Then tomorrow I'm going to have zero cupcakes, right? Exactly. That's the it's like oh, I have a lot of ice cream in my house I better eat all of it now so that tomorrow I don't eat any ice cream That's cocaine logic. Yeah. Oh

Oh, yeah, I got to do this whole thing so tomorrow I can't do it's insane that Did your brain will do that and you listen to your brain and I'm like that's a lot makes sense It makes it makes zero sense mark and still I'm like, you're right. I should finish Luigi's mansion I should finish it the deal is you I don't even enjoy. No, yeah, you don't enjoy anything. No joylessly in fact what some of my darkest moments were in that same cafeteria that I was telling you were there No, those nerds were where I'm just like getting in line to get a cheese steak for lunch and I'm like I don't want this Yeah, it's not even it's not even after I've eaten it. I've regretted it on the way to order it I'm like, I'm not this isn't what I want. Yeah, but there's no I don't know what I do want

So at least we'll do this Mm-hmm having said that I could go I could go for a fucking mortadella sandwich That'd be nice a nice deli sandwich Italian deli sandwich That would be really good There's a really good a butch Italian butchery in Carol gardens you should go Carol gardens Yeah, I'm like all pies on I go all the way out there Pies on butchery shit. I got butcher shops in Astoria. Yeah, but if you need a nice Far as fuck one Charlie to make you know a good carbonara motherfucker. There's plenty of Italian shit

I'm not going to kill you have that Italian He knows about a special place. That's the Jonah told him. Yeah Jonah does not know about Ari Jonah did tell me about flavor garden with Joshua Disrespected when I took a flavor guard was that was that's just that's Jonah's favorite place It's Jonah. Listen when I told him that you guys did not appreciate flavor garden. He got really upset Well, he was like sad. He should be upset in his own fucking taste buds then dude the the cold noodles at flavor garden I'm willing to give it another shot But you have to admit what an absolute L unequivocal that

Redeem myself with the tacos. I would hope the tacos are very good, but they weren't as good as the other thing was disappointing All right, but the memory of all of you the three of you and the two of you and Felix being so disappointed That's a memory. We'll have for the rest of our life. We will we absolutely We will never let you forget why did you make us I don't know why we've ever let you pick the rest on after that Cuz I know what it was the next thing that Adam was adamant about I know good places if I remember correctly Norman let me finish I'm because this is a serious issue The next place we went through that you suggested

Was the Klein Felder's? With a salad was $20. No, I chose that place because it was next to your convenience. The salads were wet I didn't choose it. I was you insisted on eating there. They Salad should I will insist it on it to give Adam some credit here. I was very hungry It was around to find a place always. Yeah, it's hard to get a consensus My batting average is incredibly strong. Well now you're crazy. I try this would happen. You give him some muffin Yeah, all right, you're it's not incredibly strong. Well, what I'm saying is it's shit, but it you've been put in tough positions Thank you. You've set me up to fail plenty of you've been set up to fail. I know that I know the deal

I know how my bread is butter I Watched. Oh Nick. I text you about this. I watched talk radio the Oliver Stone film last night. It's it's It's it's pretty good, but Oliver Stone. It hits and he's blessed with the kill JFK man Are you a fan? Do you like his movie? I like JFK and natural born killer platoon And yeah, his movies are always hit or miss for me Nixon. I think is a really just a shitty movie Yeah, platoon rocks. I don't it's a terrible performance and I don't understand why people like it Uh-huh, especially when you compare it to

Secret honor, which is a much fucking that's all men, right? Yeah. Yeah But this one talk radio it hit very close to home But it was about this this shock jock in Dallas who's like about to get syndicated around the country But on I miss it. It's kind of yeah kind of like a Don I miss but like a Jewish version played by Eric Bogosian who is Armenian yeah from which Don I miss was still I miss him I wonder what he'd be saying about all these black lives. He's a these nappy How did down I was good. He's just a radio guy. We got a couple of the just wore a cowboy hat cowboy hat Was he like an old radio guy that for some reason my dad was in the I miss in the car

He was like I mean he was like he was like a less popular stern. Yeah, she got you. Um Anyway, but this this guy It like Basically as a bit his like wife his ex-wife calls in the show like years later. There's like a flashback and she's like you suck You know and then it becomes kind of a meme to like hate on him And then the audience actually there starts to hate him starts to hate him and then yeah And then neo-nazi start targeting his show, but then he always takes their calls And it kind of you know, it's about how it's about how a fan base could turn toxic

You know and how as a meme they could pretend to hate you right it can become real become real Hatred and then you know, they'll listen to your talk radio show every night. Wow Sounds like a ridiculous But it is very good and I think it's up there for me With maybe maybe my favorite But I just so good though platoons pretty tight I Stole that from blockbuster Because you know what I found out case tight it makes no sense and it's really long, but I enjoy it

That's my dick you described that it just doesn't make no sense. It's really long and you enjoyed it All three of those yeah our key for understanding my penis But yeah, that's that's Adam's movies pics Can I see your painer? Damn, I need a soundboard just to play that. Yeah, the star version too. Yeah, folks I don't want to tease anything, but I might be welcome to There might be can I see your penis shirts coming so I'm tired of Nick making all this t-shirt money

I love these guys that are wearing these shirts. Yeah, if you can wear Nick's retard shirt You can wear my can I see your penis shirt? I almost bought a t-shirt from come down the other day, but then it hurt my feelings Yeah, I couldn't get one for free My dick is small My dick is small My dick is small Oh, baby, I love gay sex. I thought I was one because I'm gay

Oh, please give me Hey Right what's that song about it's about zombies zombies zombies in Ireland Irish zombies. That's a fucked-up type of zombie, dude Irish people are gay Hey I'm trying to look at some Irish titties with some like I like I like me some Irish titties some translucent nipples I'm in I'm in kind of like blends into well

I don't know about I'll take that a very fair affair, but I want like a bright nipple a quiet place part 2 is coming out No, wow, I didn't see the first wait, dude. I mean we've all been waiting for the sequel to acquire Oh, this is real. It's actually the office. I thought you had like a Loaded. No, that's a real movie. They're remaking. I saw it on a on a cereal box the other day Exclusive quiet place part 2 isn't the whole what's that movie the noise is what makes that the monsters kill you if you make noise But also noise kills the monsters. I Didn't see the movie. I think that's the whole the big trick Oh, like it's like the twist at the end of signs, and I'm sorry. I'm usually a guy who hates spoilers, but that movie looks stupid, so

My apologies funny when that movie comes out and I go see it and I genuinely enjoy it When I just have a good time and I'm like, yeah fine It's weird that Jim from the office had a career after that show. Yeah, I wouldn't have expected that Well, he seems like a guy that's like has that one character and then you know, that's Dwight. You're thinking everything He said about that fucking Was it Jack Jack? Everything he says about

Is just so funny. Yeah, he's like these people deserve he's an action to come in our mouths We'd they deserve us to get on our knees. Yeah suck them off At CIA rocks. Yeah, I wouldn't know it's a Langley fucking loser. I went out to Langley walked around being a fan of the CIA So one of the worst gayest things of all time God damn dude, I just every time I see them I take my index fingers like I'm about to whistle insert them into my ass Pull it. Oh completely wide open And like the man that they shove the flag in there

Do they have like a federal booty inspector? version of the CIA t-shirt Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Cock in ass That's too simple. That's too simple Uh cunt investigating Association Yes, sir

I'm gonna make I'm gonna make it a cunt inspecting association shirt for myself Yeah, just one one of one. Yeah, just one of those very rare that where a 3xl cunt inspecting association shirt with very short net bathing suit and flip-flops to the air and space museum Being a giant pretzel pretending to be from the Midwest I have to pee too though. Well, I think we're done here. Yeah, we're done. Yeah, check out style yourselves your problems everyone Come come dot town for t-shirts