The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 216 – Shaubat U Suck Me Off

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

they bout to ban me from instagram

Yeah, I was gonna. I was just trying to go see Le Mizz. And then what? Well, I walked down there and they got this sign out front that, you know, they're closed till 2021. What the fuck? Le Mizz? Well, like, yeah, all the Broadway is shut down and I just... Unfair. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't look at my watch or anything, but I feel like that's... I would just chill out, you know? Until 2021. And I made it about... I waited as long as I could and then I just pissed myself. Because I thought, you know, if I go now, there'll be a line.

I mean, I'm first in line, but I'm also last in line. It's true. But I know how this stuff works. I leave. There's going to be at least 15 people in that line and then I pissed in myself. And so, you know, that was noon to about 12.15 today. Yeah. The waiting in line or the whole episode. The entirety of that episode was I showed up at... I got out of my car on Broadway at 12 noon. Parked in Times Square. And I was soaking wet by about 12.11.

12.11. Oh, so the four minutes at the end were just kind of... I was still pissing. You were still pissing for four straight minutes. And I thought, you know what, this probably isn't going to stop. I got out of line. I get to the corner, guess who's finished pissing and there's a huge line. Are you serious? I don't know. I may have been confusing it with one of those Falun Gong protests, but I definitely was covered in piss. I can tell you that much.

Guys, okay, so that's unfortunate, I'm sorry, but we actually have a big opportunity. If Broadway shut down, we can break into all the theaters, put on all the costumes, put on our own fucking Broadway shows. That would be true. Yeah, we could do that. No one's stopping us. No one's stopping us. And we film it like fucking Hamilton and now we're the fucking big, big guys. And we put that on place.

Lin Manuel can suck this fucking prick. I am Alexander Hamilton. I am gay. I own slaves and my dick was small. Well, we could do another person from history, like maybe Martin Luther King rap. Yes, we should do Martin Luther King. Because here's the twist. They did minorities as white people. Yeah. Now we did white people as minorities. Yeah, we have Jamie Kennedy as Martin Luther King.

Yes. Martin Kennedy and Martin Luther Kennedy. Montgomery, Alabama is most wanted. And it's Jamie Kennedy. That's awesome. Yeah, that's true. We have Screech from Saved by the Bell be Malcolm X. How about we do Joseph Mangoli's experiments, but it's the Jamie Kennedy experiment.

And he's in Auschwitz pranking twins. That's good. He was a... Yo, I just drilled a hole in your head and poured pool cleaner in it. You're on my new show, the Jamie Kennedy experiment. He used to come and hang out at the... He'd be at the stand like once every three years. Yeah, there was a period...

He was at the old stand for like two weeks straight. Yeah. It was weird. And he looked awful. Horrible. I feel like he could still sell out. I mean, Irish people age terribly. Oh yeah, I never think of him.

They're like a pair of Chuck Taylor's. They're just fucking disintegrate. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then there's no support either. Yeah, no support. And then you throw them on a telephone wire.

You could be... If you could be an Irish person and never touch this drop of booze in their life. Stays hydrated. Stays hydrated. Never on a side. Never on a side. Always got a sunblock on under an umbrella. Sunblock on umbrella, moisturizing constantly.

And you hit 50 and you look like the fucking Darren Aronofsky wrestler. Yeah. Just plastic surgery. Nothing, you've never done anything, but you're swollen. Mm-hmm. You look like the last blueberry in the container. Yeah. 100%.

And one of those... You look like one of our Ag Baldwin's nuts got stung by a bee. Yeah. That was a wasp even. That sounds terrible. Mm-hmm. You look like Alec Baldwin, really. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. That is just... Yeah, because that... Right. Because he was sexy. Like, Ag Baldwin was hot. And then he... He...

The Democratic Party took away being able to call Valet's cocksucker. And now he's just... Which was his life force. Now he's filled with slurs. Yeah. If you prick Alec Baldwin with a pin, the N-word will come out somehow. We should just let him call Donald Trump the N-word. It would be healthy for Alec.

And find a nice... Just let him call the president the N-word cocksucker. Yeah. Yes, sir. And then we can get old, you know, Miami blues Alec Baldwin back. 1980s Baldwin. God. He missed him.

A real piece of ace. Yeah. He used to work at... You see the pictures of him working at Studio 54? No, was he like a... He was like a little fucking drink boy. He was like a bar back. There's like pictures of him.

I want to say in a Speedo even. He was a bear back at Studio 54. You know some like producer paid him money to suck his cock. Well, for sure. And that's how I got to start in the biz probably. Yep. We should start a disco. Yeah.

I got a lot of ideas today. How about the hunchback of Hamilton? Okay. And it's Hamilton, but he's retarded. So it's Alexander Hamilton, but he's... Yeah, he's a... But he also has physical... The hunchback of Hamilton Dom.

Okay. And he still has serving in the government and stuff? Yeah, the French... Yeah, he's still the ambassador. Is the hunchback of Notre Dame, is that another French revolution story? No. I don't know. It's a story about a fucking guy with a hunchback not getting pussies.

And he guards the Bastille. Does he not get pussie from his Meraldo? He never gets as Meraldo's pussie. No, he's not the Bastille. He's from Notre Dame Cathedral. He pulls the bell. He's the white supremacist at the top that burned to death. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Good. Good that this male-ass retard burned to death. Yeah. Help me! Help me, dough! The bell's on fire! Help me!

Fuck you, white boy. The cock... Good. The cockacity of the hunchback. Why don't you think about all the pyramids you people burned down? Mm-hmm. So true. The pyramids used to be cubes...

Yes. ...until the white man came and took... Sliced half of it. Took half, took most of, took whatever... Took the corners. Whatever percentage of a cube you'd have to remove... I'm going to say 50. Is it exactly 50?

Because, yeah, because it's over the corners. I would say 50. I was never good at geometry. I was not either. In fact, that's kind of where I checked out in school, because algebra made sense to me. And I remember getting the geometry and I'm like, oh, I have no idea.

I don't get this at all. Dude, fuck shapes. Why the fuck do we need to know about shapes? Going in the geometry, I'm like, shapes. Yeah. Come on. Easy.

Easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... That's where they get you. I thought the same thing. And then... I mean, in school, it's such bullshit, because it's like, I think back,

because especially to take it in the context of itself, you're fucking 13 years old, 12, 13 years old, and you have to spend a year of your life at that point, 10% of your life. You know, which, again, I didn't go past this. That's about right. So that's the equivalent now of a 30-year-old man having to spend 18 years.

Yep. Yeah. Something like that. 18. Imagine you had to spend three years learning how to figure out how much space is inside of a triangle. No thanks.

And it's like, well, can I just measure it? They're like, no, get to take the protractor off there. You got to do it in a way where you only have the protractor for part of measuring it. As in, when will this ever happen? Yep. Or like, well, let's say you want to start a baseball game, and you're trying to figure out the diamond,

what it should look like. And it's like, yeah, no, no. I'll never do that shit, bitch. We're not doing that. And guess what? We do have calculators now. Anybody who would is no longer allowed to play in the pitch. He's not playing.

We're going to pull his pants down and piss in his face. Yes, sir. And then when his mom complains, we'll say she's being an uptight bitch. And guess who's getting some piss in her mouth, too? We're going to piss in her mouth. We're going to piss in her mouth. We're going to take a little trip down to Broadway.

Yes, get in line. We need, hey, hey, Mrs. Thompson, we need a porta potty because we're trying to go see Les Mis. And we heard, we heard from your, your bitch son that your mouth was open for lay business. Les Mis around. Oh, I don't think, I think it's been three episodes too late, but I just wanted to say RIP to Mary Kalaterno.

Oh yeah, true. One of my original women crush Wednesdays. Totally. Getting pussy from a child. Yep. She made me feel like when I was a boy, there was a chance that a lady could rape me. I can't tell you.

I cannot stop reading this Will and Jada Pinkett Smiths. Why? Why? What's going on with them? I'm kidding. I mean, I have, I literally, I still don't explain it to me, but I, I understand somebody. She brought the guy named August. Fine. But why are they at a table talking about it?

Well, they have a show called the Red Table Talk. What is that? Jada has a show. It's a TV show or it's like a pie? I want to say it's a Facebook show. What the fuck is a Facebook show? But I, what they do is whenever there's tea to be filled. There's all these things that don't make sense to me now

because I don't understand what they are in principle. Do you see today they had a pro-police protest? I don't understand what that is. I don't know where they protest. I don't know. It's somewhere, it was in like fucking like Diker Heights or... Awesome. Yeah.

Somebody listed it. I saw a tweet the other day. They were like Diker Heights, Bensonhurst, Bay Ridge, Gravesend. All of these neighborhoods are filled with white supremacists. And it's like, well, I don't know if we should go there. We mean Italians. That's what you mean. There's something those neighborhoods have in common.

Yeah. And I don't know if it's white supremacists. Yeah. It's Italians. Well, for me, I don't even consider them to be white. So... Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Yeah. There was one video I saw from Diker Heights where it's some girl. What are you doing? I think we switched mics. I'm on channel two right now. So what? Channel three. So what?

So I was a little low. If you want to change it, it's these. No. So you didn't actually do anything? I didn't do anything. Do you know if you were saying anything? It could be that you think you're low. Maybe I wasn't saying anything.

No, no, I sound more high. You weren't contributing anything. No, no, no. I think that's probably it. Just silent for 15 minutes. I was not silent. Just in your head being like, my mic is off. I'm crushing.

Yeah. I'm saying all the things that I'm hearing. It doesn't sound like me though. That Martin Luther King white people rap music. Keeping track. Yeah, that was... Seven minutes into the podcast. I'm giving myself one.

Joke's on you. I don't even know where I am. I've been pissing myself for 15 minutes. I'm soaked in urine. I'm thinking... Dude, the best part is if you keep joking about pissing yourself, some guys will start pissing themselves. Yeah, it's going to be a meme.

The mullet. Yeah, we're doing the mullet and challenge. The mullet and challenge. Stand outside. Stand in line somewhere and piss your pants. Or from the last episode, go to a drive-thru and piss your pants. Yeah.

Those are the two mullet and challenge. And that's for napkins. That's for napkins, that's... And then you just... Do the hashtag mullet and challenge and send us the video, those folks. You just say it's protesting. Because that's the only way you're allowed outside right now.

Yeah, hashtag it BLM, hashtag it mullet and challenge. I'm going to go piss myself at McDonald's and demand they bring back Monopoly. It's a protest. But black people get to win. Yeah. Rig it. Yeah, we should rig every Monopoly game

so black people get to win. And we'll call it even Stephen after that. That ought to do it. Just call it M apostrophe N apostrophe P apostrophe Ly. Oh, Monopoly. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

I don't know if that would be so clear that that would be the black version, but... Maybe change the names. What would you call it? Yeah. What would you call it? Monopoly. Maybe black Monopoly.

Black Monopoly has a nice ring to it. Monopoly black. Maybe. Blacked Monopoly. Blacked. Blacked raw Monopoly. And jail is replaced with Africa. You go on a two week vacation to the motherland.

That sounds kind of cool. So functionally in the game it serves the same purpose, but then the little thimble has kente cloth on it. I like that. And maybe with snow globe. The thimble is a comfy little snow globe from Africa. Yeah. It's got a snow like Egypt sometimes, right?

Northern Africa. Well, the south part of Africa is right there by Antarctica, so it's frigid. Yeah. It's really cool where my family comes from. Yeah, South Africa. That's true. You see a lot of those africaners in...

Yes. In their skis. In their skis. In their goose. Yeah. I think it snows maybe on Kilimanjaro. Maybe that's where you get a little snow. Well, it is weird when you're in LA or whatever

and they got those mountains that look like they're maybe 10 minutes away. Yeah, and they're far. And there's snow on top. Yeah. And it's like... It's really cool. What the fuck?

How does this work? Fuck this. I'm fucking pissed off. This goes back to not liking geometry. Because that's not understanding space. And I'm with you. It pisses me off. Yeah.

Because you should be able to walk to those mountains. You should. It shouldn't be four and a half hours. Yeah. Fucking bullshit. What was I going to say? Yeah, we used to be like that in Vegas. It'd be like a desert and then in the mountains around it.

It was like snowy. Damn. And when I was a kid, when you'd see old Westerns, you'd see them riding in the desert and then they'd ride it in the snow. They'd ride up in the snow. And it made no sense at the time. That's where we read that redemption as well. There's some Jimmy Stewart movie where he has to go to Washington, DC.

And they shot the whole thing in fucking LA, obviously. And he's getting off the bus since Washington. And there's just the fucking... Whatever the Sierra, Nevada, whatever mountains. Sierra, Michigan. San Fernando, San Fernando. The Santa Monica Mountains, I think. No.

I think they are. That's not it. Yeah, whatever you said. It's not that. It's not whatever you said. It's Big Bear, dude. It's Big Bear. No.

It's Big Bird. Big Bird Mountain. How big do you think Big Bird's dick is and where do they hide it? Birds don't have dicks. They have co-lock. No, girl birds have cloacas. Boy birds have cocks. Yeah, they have coiled penises.

That's ducks. That's an Argentine duck. That's a bird you dump it. Ducks are amphibians. Okay. You heard it here before. All right, all right. That's fair.

So a cloaca is an ass and a pussy? Ass and a pussy. Yeah, you piss shit and fucking it. That's nice. That's effective. I'll tell you, that's called streamlined. Waiting in line to see Lloyd Mizz. Yes.

It's having a setup like that. So you could shit as well as piss. Just imagine, you know, you have a nice night out with a girl and then you go back to her place. It's kind of spontaneous. Yeah. And you're fucking and then you, you know, classically anything you do in life, you immediately have to piss.

And you're like, ah, I'm having such a good, spontaneous night with you, but I have to piss. And she's like, my pussy's also a diaper. I'm, I'm, I have a cloaca. And you're like, wow. Isn't the idea she pisses out? She's so, this is such a nice. Piss into it.

This is already sort of piss out of there, but I know you're ruining my romantic comedy. This is such a funny, cute. And it's called the woman whose pussy was also a diaper. And it's, it's fucking Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in front of Le Mizz on Broadway and they're holding hands and they're laughing in the front of his pants. We're covered in piss.

He's always pissing himself. It opens up and Rob Reiner is like, maybe you'd have more successful dates if you weren't pissing yourself all the time. But I like it. I can't stop pissing myself. I like it so far. I guess I'm wondering where the shitting

out of her pussy element comes in. Because he meets Meg Ryan and they go home with her. And she's so awkward. Because my point is you could piss into a current pussy. She just got broken up. She's over email. That's what I like that. I like that ring.

It was Tom Hanks who broke up with her. She's like, you're dumped, bitch. This is the computer. I have to go to do a FedEx mission. The computer says you're dumped, bitch. You just got dumped, bitch. Okay. That's a mean email.

She's just staring at the computer and it's saying that to the speakers. The writer's like, well, I've never had a computer before. I just, my friend told me about it, but I figured that's the way they work. We figured it didn't matter. That went into the shooting script. The computer breaks up with a dumb whore. You're getting broken up with it.

She's dating. We couldn't get Tom Hanks. So we just had that character die on an island. And then they loved that idea so much that they eventually cannibalized that for Castaway. Hoping that nobody would remember that classic you got dumped a bitch scene from the bitch who's pussy was also a diaper. Okay.

I get it, but again, does she ever shit out of her pussy? Sure. Yeah. Because what I'm saying is you could piss into a current pussy. She's one of those classic romantic comedy girls. She's very awkward about the fact that she only has one hole that she pisses and shits out of. And, and she's like, I'm not sure.

And he's like, don't worry about it. You're beautiful. And then she pulls down her pants. She's got this. It smells horrible. Straight Chipotle. You just had a Chipotle burrito come out of that thing. Yeah, I can't wait to make this movie.

This one and then the idea I had for death wish, but his family never dies in the beginning. He's just a guy that gets a gun. He's just a guy, he's a guy that finds a gun on the way home from his architect job. And he's like, what if I took the law into mind? I started kidding. Puerto Rican teenagers.

What if I just started shooting people? That's a couple awesome ones right there. We're like, this is a movie factory over here. Yeah. And they're, they're making out on the chain and Billy Crystal's pissing himself and her pussy comes out of her dress to suck up all the pants and his pants. That's awesome.

And then Bronson's on the train. He's like, isn't that beautiful? And then the two women next to him are like, you just shot my son. Shut up bitch. Y'all got it all on camera. What if, yeah, then there's death wish six is him hiding out where there's a bunch of black lives matter pictures of them are like arrest walkers.

And he's like, I think I've gone too far. Maybe I'm fucked this time. I think I blew. Got a little too greedy. I, oopsie Daisy. My bad. Hopefully I can go on Tucker Carlson this week and clear everything up. That's awesome that they're in the same universe too.

It's all part of like your Avengers. Yeah. Yeah. It's in the same cinematic universe. Same cinematic universe. Although I always did get a kick before the Avengers. I always got a kick out. I wouldn't like a guy from one thing would walk through the other thing.

Yeah. I mean, I think we probably talked about it if I had to guess, but when the critic was on the Simpsons, come on. Nothing better than that as a fucking kid. You used to have to wait till the end of the credits for that shit. And I remember the point where I got to where it was like, no, because they used to put bloopers. Remember that?

No. Really? Comedy move. I used to stay through the credits because I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see how they fuck this up. Right, right, right. I can't wait. I want to see the same scene, but they say fuck.

Yeah, but they messed up. They messed up and everyone left. Yeah. And you know what? It is awesome to watch those. It was so funny when like culture was at the ends of being this like top down thing that's just distributed to you and you don't get to decide what's good or bad. It was better that way.

And you can't, things can suck and you just have no choice. It just to be like, I guess I had a good time at Biodome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was definitely better. It was way better. No, I disagree.

What do you mean? I think it was worse. No, because things could just be bad. And then that's just what they were. Or like having options. No, they were also good things too. See, that's true. People are still talking about Hamilton.

There's still a debate. This is something from five years ago. Yeah. At this point, it's kind of like current affairs I think just published another like. Well, it's because it just came out on Disney plus. Who cares? It's the same thing.

Yeah. But at this point, like being there's nothing to talk about. So anytime there's an opportunity. There's nothing to talk about. There's not much going on. Okay. All right. I mean, we just did 15 minutes and the woman who's pussy is also a diaper.

Yeah. There's tons to talk about. I guess I'm thinking purely in sports because that's the only news that I keep up with. Yeah, that's true. You're right. The world is literally ending. The government is fucking up a pandemic.

Florida just had the highest single day in any fucking city in America. In any state. Yeah. Yeah. I guess there's stuff to talk about. I just guess my point was the NBA hasn't started yet. But they're there. Until we're in Orlando.

Until we get bubble ball. I can't wait, dude. I'm going to take a vow of silence. Maybe I should go to Disney World. There are motherfuckers in Disney World. There's still ads on TV about Disney World just open today. No. You see that?

It was like yesterday. Well, I mean, it's open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Universal Studios, Florida, there's an ad where they have the gun taking people's temperatures and they're like, we're here for you. Yeah, it's hysterical. And we're waiting for you.

They're all in masks. It looks fucked up. It's like, why are these people, they're all smiling, but their eyes are smiling, but you can't tell. It sucks. And what's crazy is they're doing that and in the same complex, the NBA is just like behind like a wall. It's fucked up.

Bush Gardens is the one I'd like to. Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times. I've never been there. Yeah. Is it good? It's very good. They have good rollercoasters. It's in Virginia.

Yeah, yeah. Do they have beer? What if you could rent one for the day just with the fellows? Would you go? To Bush Gardens? Yeah. Yeah, but I would want like hologram people. Like hologram black family reunions.

Yeah. Oh, always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best.

Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Always the best. Come on, y'all. And then I'm waiting in line behind them. Yep. A hologram child being abused by his parents.

Yes. And getting yanked. Getting yanked by the wrist. Yeah, a hologram. Because he's dehydrated. A hologram Indian kid on a leash. Yeah, Hispanic family taking turns with a wheelchair to cut the line. Yeah, but yeah.

Motherfucker, I cannot, but people are going to fucking Disney World. It's crazy. Yeah. Patriots, dude. They are. Laying in the free home of the brave. For better or for worse. I saw on Twitter, sexualjumanji was keeping tabs on some people that were live streaming.

And apparently some bitch was like, literally had it was coughing. Like a fever. And Disney asked her to go home. And she was like, no. There was a guy. She was like, no, I won't go to Disney World. There was a guy on the point. Let's not forget the people that built Disney World.

Yeah. The GIs. Yes. Fought for our freedom so that we could have Disney. And they came back from hell. And then they built coasters. I wish we could have a war with hell. That'd be pretty cool.

That would be silly. Dude, we'd lose. Just a fucking hole opened up in the ground. Against demons. Demons would fuck us in the ass. No, but they wouldn't have guns like we have, you know. They'd be on fire. They'd have, they could fly.

How are you going to find a guy that's on fire? They'd have talons. He's already dead. Yeah. I don't know. We would figure out a way. Demons are like, look. We're just trying to get to Israel.

Or just trying to go home today. And President Biden's like, you got to die to protect them. I'm sorry. You got America. Everyone in America needs to fight the demons. 300 million of us. There's nothing I can do about it. They got me elected.

So I owe it to them. I made a bad deal, folks. I'm not a deal maker. Yeah. I guess Biden's going to win because he's basically just a Republican at this point. Well, he's in hiding. He's in hiding.

I think it's cool if a guy that's in hiding wins. I think that's a cool, like in terms of narrative, I think it works. That would piss Trump off. That's the way you beat him. You're not going to beat him face to face. No. He's going to wreck you.

If a guy that's like comes out. If Biden's like, I don't feel like debating, it would piss Trump off. Oh, it would piss me off, too. I would vote for damn Trump. I need those debates. Oh, yeah. I can't wait for the fucking Alzheimer's off.

Fuck, dude. I really just want to fast forward till the NBA basketball is back. Well, it's the end of the month, right? Yeah. I think it's like 18 days, 19 days. So cool. I've been real depressed the last couple of weeks, and there's no I just been watching movies,

but I want to watch basket. Dude, I watched straight up. I watched a video, a five minute long video of shake. You'll just Alexander playing finger rolls, playing, playing cornhole against Chris. I just want to see the boys hanging out. There are some kids playing that like broke into the school. No, the school by me.

They're playing like half court. And I was just I was like, I sat and like watched like teens play fucking basketball for like, you know, I stopped pause for like a minute was like nice. That's that's always I really always love like when you're at a public court, seeing the one old black guy, no matter how trash the game is sitting there

and being like what they need to do is play zone. Like just take it seriously. Absolutely. Oh, it's great. Absolutely. Yeah, they not switching. Oh, my own. But anyway, damn, now that piss character,

I'm jealous of him. I'd like to piss myself. Yeah. Should I get a diaper? What do you think, Nick? I'm trying to think of something. I had something I was thinking about and then I was like, my friend just sent me a picture.

He's in the drive through at Wendy's. And there's just a guy who's just standing ordering from the drive through in front of him. Hell yeah. He's just in respect. I mean, I did that. I've done that numerous times during this pandemic. Is it pretty real?

Yeah, I just walked through the McDonald's drive through like four times. Yeah, that's the guy that's like sagging. That rocks, dude. You know, it was built for the pandemic. Because you know what you do, you go, hi, I'm Steven Crowder and I identify as a car. We're here at McDonald's.

Yeah, I identify as a car. No, I was wondering if I could order. He's just smiling to the camera. They're like, all right, what do you want? Yeah, you can order. They're like, wait, so you're the car? So the car needs food? Yeah, whatever you want.

Just go. Okay. Yeah. So you want gas then? Just say the trans people should be in jail. Just say it as an employee at McDonald's. You have to. Man, I wonder what guys like that,

they can't really go out and prank people like they used to be able to. Too high profile? No, college campuses are all closed now. You can't really own a shaking scared freshman purple hair girl. Once we're open, I'm going to be one of those guys that antagonizes college students. Get a little film crew going on the microphone

and just a sign that says, I've gotten way more pussy than you. I'm 35 and I have gotten so much more pussy than any of you. Debate me. Debate me on it. Debate me about not. What's your body count? Oh, 23. Faggot.

Nice try. Good try, dude. Yeah. Ball them up, throw them in the trash. Yeah, I've been alive twice as long as you. Yeah, I've had sex with one more girl. Yeah, just. The beauty of our social experiment

is you always just add a number to their number. Yeah. And one kid's like, actually, I was lying. I, my number was actually 27. I just said, I'm like, delete the video. Let's get out of here. I was just cut the tape. Cut the tape now. Abandoned.

I was like, escape the phone. I was like, too. I was also lying. I've never lost a debate to a college kid. I'll be on, I'll be, I'll be on, I'll be on my podcast later to discuss the fallout for this event. Because it's a three and a half hour long podcast. Where I logically break down how I won that debate.

It's funny. I remember doing a podcast one time in, and I, and I know like if it existed, it would be online. But me and Norman went to a guy we were friends with. He's like, yeah, come to our podcast. I didn't even know what the fuck a podcast was. And we get there and there's like six other guys and it's Austin. And these are like old school Austin heads.

Yeah. Where they've just been high since 1993. Oh yeah. And like just like Gen X or like. Totally. You know, drink beer, maybe go play disc golf occasionally. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. And we sat there and we just like, we hung out.

And we talked in the microphone and I was just drinking. And it went on for like six hours. And I was like, I was like, dude, what do you guys do? You just like somebody left and then another guy came to me. I was like, do people listen to this? And he was like, nah, man. I was like, all right. They're like, yeah, we actually cut down the best 30 minutes

from the six hours that we do. That was fun. Those were simple times. Good times. Simple times, simple minds. Oh dude, I love to be around simple minds. What's the deal with that? This is a band, right?

Simple minds. Yeah. And that just means retarded people. Yeah, retarded basically. Who's in simple minds? Anybody I know? You got the hunchback of Notre Dame. You know, all types of different types.

It's that movie Dangerous Minds about retarded people. Yeah, that's true. Because when you think outside the box, society doesn't like it. They should do a stand and deliver thing with like just a retarded. But your retarded kids, it's not even a board school. What's stand and deliver? It's the same thing as Dangerous Minds. Dangerous Minds.

It's one of those. It's like we're James Olmos. Yeah, it's like teacher wants to like inspire kids or whatever. Got you, got you, got you. I started Dangerous Minds recently because I remember, I was like, oh, it is so bad. She teaches them poetry by teaching them Bob Dylan. They're like, damn, this is kind of cool.

I mean, I love Bob Dylan. Just Charles has never worked. In front of a classroom of retarded kids being like, oh, you think the alphabet is stupid? You're stupid, mother fucker. Oh, you weren't ready for that. Well, the world isn't funny. These kids crying, rocking back and forth.

Holding their hands over their ears, screaming. Just being berated by Charles at Staten. Stop screaming. He's teaching them. Yeah. He's teaching retarded kids with tough love, how to not be retarded. That's the only way.

He eventually loses his patience and his janitor gets a video of him through the window and the door just slamming his head on the desk, screaming directly into his ear. And then the video makes it on the local news and he's suspended for a week. And then he has to figure out a lesson plan for when he gets back to inspire them. Yeah, to make up for almost killing a kid,

giving him brain damage, probably. He's like, why don't we try this? Yeah, why don't we? What's going to make it worse? Like an old TV. You ever seen Happy Days? You know how Fonzie gets the jukebox to work? Pop pop.

Couple pops right through the temple. Bada bing, bada boom. You're not retarded anymore. I should have one night a week where I get high and watch a bad movie. Yeah, why not? Well, let me get too high. I might have to chill.

Yeah. You know what you should do? Shave my balls? Yes. Instead of getting high. Instead of getting high, you should get high and shave your balls. And you want to be careful doing that

because if you do it the old fashioned way with a knife. With a steak knife, which is what I used to do. Support for XXX is brought to you by Man Scaped. I wonder if they don't like that if we say it as Man Scaped. Man Scaped. Man Scaped. Man Scaped. It makes it sound worse.

Man Scaped. Man Scaped. Offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. Which reminds me of Dead Ringers. You ever see that movie? No. It's pretty cool. Is it like the ringer where Johnny Knoxville

pretends to be retarded to get to the Olympics? That is a cool movie. Twin gynecologists that pretend to be retarded to get into women's pussies. Have you seen it? Johnny Knoxville is the Dead Ringer. That movie is about... I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is pretend to be

retarded to have sex with a woman. Can I have some pussy? Johnny Knoxville? Just in a cafe. No costume. Can I have some of your pussy? Johnny, is that you? I'm a big jackass today.

I mean, I guess if you weren't doing the voice. Yeah, he's just a red lobster. Men's scaped obsesses over their technology developments to provide you with the best tools for your grooming experience. Yeah, this is actually true. I did. I was just thinking about Johnny Knoxville bent over.

Can I have some pussy? Can I have some pussy from you? Dressed exactly like he always dresses. I'm jackass and this is... This is get some retarded pussy. This is retard trying to get pussy. Manscaped has completely redesigned the electric trimmer. The engineering team spent 18 months

perfecting the greatest ball hair trimmer ever created. That's true. And they just released the new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0. Their third generation trimmer features a cutting edge, ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents. Yes, sir. Millions of balls are about to be nick-free thanks to Manscaped Infants.

I don't like them using my name. Yeah. Let's call them wounds. No. No, Nick. A wound. Nick, something annoying. In the battlefield, they're called wounds.

They're called nicks. No. They're called nicks. No. The whole point is to get rid of them. I'm going to edit it so it sounds like you guys are saying the end word. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. You see, you're not. You would never put that effort in. You would never do work. I would. I would and I will. And I'm editing that part out. Let me just get this.

Let me get a clean recording of this. Guys, stop saying the end word. All right. Let's do a clap to sync. Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past. When I tell you this is premium, I mean premium. Wow. For real?

Yeah. The battery will last up to 90 minutes. So you can take a longer shave. I mean, that's... Throw on rush hour two and shave your nuts the whole time. What good use. Do you want to stay in the words? A longer shave.

What's up? You guys going to lunch? Yeah, I'm going to be... No, I'm backing them up after. It's got a 90 minute battery. I just wanted to do my usual Tuesday rush hour two ball shave combo. Yeah. I always just pause in the middle to charge it, but...

Yeah. Now with the fucking long over 3.0. Yeah. After I got cerebral palsy and lost use of my limbs, when I got muscular dystrophy and it started taking hours to shave my penis and balls. You know how... You know, look, you're pretending to have MS so that you can get pussy.

But the girl comes over and she's like, aren't you going to shave your balls and penis before we have sex? And you're thinking, oh, it'll take 10 minutes. But then you remember... You have to be... I've already bought the motorized wheelchair. Yeah. There's no way I can just zip this down.

You're in too deep. Yeah. So she has to sit there and watch. You watch Zoolander while she... While you slowly shave and you're like... Any second now. And she's rubbing herself off. She's fucking jacking off.

Johnny Knoxville. And this is take 90 minutes to shave your balls, to prove you're retarded, to get some pussy. Thank you for giving me pussy. Thanks for being so patient while I shave my balls. Thanks for giving me your patient pussy while I shave my balls. Yeah, that's fine, John. I mean, I know who you are, man.

So you could drop this at any moment. I'm trying to fuck you, because I'm addicted to history. And I want to fuck a guy from Jackass. Yeah. Yeah, I was actually married to Bam Margero. Their third generation trimmer features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents, manscaping accidents, or finally, think of the past.

What I like to do is I have a little traffic cone that I put over my penis when I shave my balls. Mm-hmm. Isn't that cool? Nice. That is a novelty traffic cone. A penis-sized traffic cone. Yeah.

That's crazy. I want to get one of those and use that instead of cotton. Do you get the guys that do that? So as a whole at the end, I'm like, yeah, it's more... There's come, coming, coming. It's hot. I think it's more neat. It hurts.

Yeah. I think this is a wrong shave. More neat. It's kind of slick. Yeah, your dick doesn't touch your pussy, but you bust, and it just dribbles out. Like a funnel. I mean, like it's a traffic cone.

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I'm almost positive that is the code. It's probably the code. It's probably that. COMTOWN slash Johnny Knoxvilleretarded.manscaped.com. And that should be, that should do it. Yeah, that'll be nice. Put traffic cone around your cock. Should I get some flowers for my apartment?

I was trying to today. I couldn't find any. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go to the flower district? No, no, I was in Brooklyn, but they didn't have. You can go all the way down to the fucking dish flower dish to get flowers.

Yeah. That's an error. If you're ever in the flower district, folks, go see Chris King, the king of plants. Yeah. No one can beat his deals in the city. Yeah. You guys got to start sending me flowers.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to have the apartment of like a Palm Beach widow or a widow. I keep messing those up. No, widowers, right?

No, but I was. Yeah. He wants to be the girl. I wanted the widow or wouldn't have the. Yeah. I'm thinking of one person specifically. I went to the house of a woman whose husband had died. It was a girl I was dating and she told me this woman

is like my spiritual guide or whatever, which there's a inverse relationship between believing in that shit and. Your life being good. And no. And how good the pussy was. Yeah, I see. It's almost the more the more they believe. The better it is.

The better the pussy is. Yes. 100%. The worst of the brain. 100%. Yeah. The worst of the brain. The better the.

Better the gash. Right. The squish. Should we go to this ladies house? The trim. And it's just it's like it's sickening. You know, it's like there's fucking there's like throw pillows up to the edge of the couch.

You don't know what you can sit on. Yeah. It's set up like a like a like a like a it's like a staged home from 1991. You know, like a very much like furniture store vibes. Yeah. Clear and sale furniture store vibes. There's no room for anything.

It's always filled with bullshit. Yeah. But it was filled with flowers. She's given all this advice the whole time and like spraying fucking essential oils and talking about the moon. And then and then she's just sort of like casually looks out the window and explains that her husband killed himself. Hanged himself in the backyard like six months prior.

And I'm just sort of like staring through this sliding glass door with like vertical blinds trying to figure out like. Like, you know, them just dragging the body through this apartment with like being a whole be mindful not to knock over any of the fake Faberge eggs from Jennifer fabric or whatever you wear. Jennifer's convertibles or wherever all this shit is from. God damn. Hunged himself.

Hanged. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. And she, yeah, she looked like Ursula. Oh, nice. Yeah. Hot.

Meaning. Yeah, just like probably like a $600 haircut to look like just shit. Just one of those ladies that has to go get her hair done. Oh, yeah. As a 50 year old. I can't wait to go to the barbershop myself now. I worked for a lady once. You should get the Ursula haircut.

Dude, well, first of all, I'm getting a ponytail. Yeah. So honestly, you look more Greek with the hair grown out. That makes sense. Yeah. This is a real ball. I have a real Mediterranean balding pattern. You look more Mediterranean for sure.

You really should see if you could comb it over. I could, if I wanted to. I mean, it would take, you need to grow it out for another like year and a half. See, that's why it's going to be shorter than that. You'd have to mousse it up a little bit. No, I mean, I'm, that's, you see, you react as if I'm disparaging you and not just like making a comment on how long hair takes to grow generally. Mine will be shorter than that.

It'll be faster. It's like, it's like, if you were like, I'm going to make a pork shoulder tonight and it's like, oh, that'll take like an hour. And you're like, it'll take five minutes. Well, no, these things just, a pork shoulder takes like eight hours, minimum three. If you're cranking it high. Not when I, not me, you're a hater. This is how you're acting.

This is what you sound like. Well, I think my hair will grow faster than that. Look at the excuse, look at the progress I've made in three short months. I'm like a little bit in the front right now. You like that? Yeah. You got a little bit of something. You got a little bit of height on it.

A little bit of height. Um, well, okay. Let's say it takes nine months. Yeah. I think I could comb it over. I can't wait, dude. I can't wait to have the dumbest hair of all time. Yeah.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll dye it. It'll be interesting to see how long my beard is when you finally have the comb over. It's a way we can like pass time. I, you know, I, because people were bitching at me. They were like, you need, when are you going to just shave your face? You have to shave your face. No, that's not a way to make you shave it. And I was like, well, I want to get through a year.

And we, I surpassed that last month. So now it's going to be now five years. You have no idea what Nick can do with defiance on his side. Absolutely. Do not tell my man what to do. The kind of effort it will take to just not do something. Yeah, the sheer determination I have to abandon a part of personal hygiene. I just sort of not think about something.

It is funny. Yeah. I can't believe it's been a year. Yeah. Wild. I mean, it's not, it doesn't really require, like I, I like moisturize my face, I guess, because it started to like try out and burn or whatever. But uh, yes.

It probably does take a little effort at this point. You have to oil it, right? Yeah. Well, I stopped and then it just burns and itches all the time and I'll scratch it. And then there'll be like blood on my fingers. So I don't know what's going on under here. Yeah. It's definitely not good.

A colony of fucking little. I think that's bad ass. Yeah. Probably a bunch of mites and shit. I don't care. Who, who cares? I'm with you. I'm done.

What the fuck? Who cares? I'm done caring, dude. I don't have health insurance. I hit another level of the pressure. I'm like, I can't wait. Let's, let's do it. And it's like every time in my life,

I keep learning the lesson of like, maybe I should care and then you do and then you just feel awful. The whole world is like, what are you doing? Stop. How dare you care about things? And you're like, good, you're right. I'm going back to getting fucked up. Yeah.

And then you stop caring and it's like, hey. Yeah. No, it was good. It's going to die. Get new drugs. Should I get some pussy? Just kill yourself. Just give up.

Yeah. There's really no good way to do it. Good way to what? Kill yourself? No, to just be alive, I guess. Because, you know, you can become overwhelmed by everything and then that makes you miserable. And then you can ignore it all

and then you eventually just get more miserable at the end of that. There's no like right way. Well, you could continue to ignore everything forever. Yeah, but you can't really forever. Which is my, my new tactic. You're going to smack into a wall eventually. Yeah. Of reality.

Probably. Or I could just find a wife who she does everything. Honestly, that's the really the only solution. Find a wife, have some children. At this point, it's the only solution. Yeah. I really am trying to be one of those dads that just sits in the living room and fucking says nothing.

You know, like there's kids coming over. I have no idea they are. No interest in learning who they are. Don't look. Don't even look up. Yeah. Just fucking sit there. Shoot them a glance.

They threatened to take the television out the window. Pay attention. Just not even don't look at all. Your dad's weird. They're stealing all the booze. I don't care. Don't care in the slightest. Dude, I'm just trying to grill all day.

Have a family around me. I'm going to be a stage father. I'm going to make my son try out for every Broadway musical. Take your son to the pageants. Yes, boy. Mr. Nevada, boy pageants. Little boy. Little boy, yes.

Just force your, try and make your son gay even though he's straight. I want to have the gayest son in the world. I'm going to put him in. We're taking him to ball shows. Make that your goal. You're going to make your son do drag against his will. He's a child. Listen, it's a new fad.

It's coming up. You've got to go viral. You've got to go viral. I saw that was a show on Hulu. Really? I was like looking for something on Hulu. Drag kids is now a show. Well, some kids are gay as hell from the jump.

I guess. This is his Adam's son. Did you ever see the video? Somebody took this. That's a good rap. This girl was on Good Morning American. Somebody slowed it down to half speed and uploaded his drunk dwarf. The way it slowed down is so fucking funny because the response is,

you know, you're watching the, I don't know, whoever the hosts are watching. But they're slowed down too. So they're like blinking all slow. Drunk dwarf. Let me see this. Yeah. That would be cool to have a gay son. Oh my God, it'd be so cool.

But you're not going to have one. No. Yeah, that sure used to get me good. Damn. Back in the day. Back in the day. Hard to believe that was a decade ago. That was a decade ago?

That came out a decade ago that somebody did that shit. The slowed down cutie patootie rap. Yeah, that used to, man, I'm, fuck, I missed those. That kind of stuff. That's why the internet, what there was that brief period where the internet got good, but then there was also like a lot of, there was still not a complete relinquishing of control in terms of what we're supposed to consume. Yeah, yeah.

Where, which, you know, I guess still exists to a certain extent, but you have the option to just not fucking, you can just spend all of your time on social media and not consuming anything and get the fucking cliffs notes from people who are already mad on your behalf. Right. And like, you used to at least have to watch this shit, you know what I mean? Absolutely. And yeah, just smoking weed, watching TV carnage,

getting into arguments on IRC. Loved it. Them's were the days. They were. Watching shit like that. There was that other one, the, somebody slowed down the, some video from like a Olsen twins thing. You ever see that one?

I've seen that one. Yeah, the making, what are they, water or pizza? Is that it? I think it's something about pizza. Yeah. But it slowed down. It just seems like they're fucking high. It's demented.

Yeah. It's very funny. Whip cream flows like waterfalls. It was nice to see like, oh, look at how these black people are reacting to a leprechaun being in the community. Oh, one of the best videos of all time. Look at this woman falling off an elevated grape stomping, you know, platform. That's a great one.

You know, and that was, it is, it is funny now to think about like 4chan is just spending all their time trying to figure out which elites are pedophiles, but you go back 10 years ago and it's just them posting constantly about how they want to like, fuck an 11 year old from a TV show. It's an interesting turn for 4chan. It went from just a horny posting about Stephanie from LazyTown to now being like, it's fucking, is the guy from the Motel 6 commercials a pedophile? It's the light.

The light he's leaving on. That's the reason for kids. It's a signal. It's a signal wherever the light is left on. That's where the child posting is. Exactly. I am a gay guy. My name is Adam.

No, that's not a song. I'm a gay guy. My name is Adam. Getting fucked in my gaping booty. No, that's not what she was saying. There's too much duty in my booty. Pull it out with your giant dick. Did you pull it out with your prehensile dick?

You're singing the song wrong, Adam. That's not how the song goes. You're ruining good morning America. Again. Sing it again. I just want to go kiss my boyfriend, dad. My dad did have stage father tendencies. He's wearing a scarf for sure.

He's wearing his old timey megaphones. It's just the cone. Sing the song, gayer. He got mad at me at dare graduation for telling the sheriff. He was like, the sheriff was going around asking the kids what they wanted to be. And I said, I wanted to be a baseball player. And he's like, that's a ridiculous thing to say.

You're terrible at baseball. How old were you? I was in fifth grade. Damn. Hats off to the cool kid and every one of those that probably said drug dealer. To the one kid who knew how to crush. I remember it did.

He then probably did become a drug dealer and died. And it is memorialized in everyone's mind as I had the funniest friend in high school. Yeah, he peaked up 13. What's something funny that he said? And then you think about it and it's like, nah, that's just all racist. Yeah, he was just calling people gay.

It was really funny when he was just absolutely annihilate you in the testicles. Yeah. I was like, because I remember this in my life, I have like, I have like tree of life memory flashbacks of like kids that were like so funny. Yeah. And I remember there was, I don't even know his name.

I remember there was a kid that was like, could do such a good impression of somebody with down syndrome. And because he kind of looked like he had a down syndrome. And he would just do it. I remember he like, he did it one time with like a candy bar. He would do this thing where he would like struggle to open up a candy bar. We had a whole thing.

Yeah, he would just sit there. Because he would do it unprovoked. He'd be sitting there by himself and just go into pretending to be retarded. Respect. And he would like just look over, and he would be like looking over his glasses. You know, like just make a sort of cross-eyed right now.

Candy bar, you know, and he'd get his lips going and the tongue sitting out, you know. And then he would just like look on and be like, Rocky Road, Rocky Road. I'm breathing like Tony's a pram. Yeah, he just nailed it. But then it would just be like to settle things like that. Rocky Road, Rocky Road.

God damn. My friend David, who I was that kid, and he got kicked out of school, he used to force erections during school, like presentations and stuff. What? Yeah. And he'd like flex.

He would jack himself off? He'd like flex his boner. Like we'd start laughing because like he'd tell us, I'm going to get a boner for this. The t-shirt like wouldn't realize what was going on. Because he had majorly small wood. Yeah, it was like a fucking sixth grade boner. That's awesome.

He was amazing though. That was an incredible bit. Did he ever get caught? Did the teacher ever like, David, your penis is hard? He got caught making fun of the retarded kid in gym class a lot. This kid, Albert. Damn. What a great name for your retarded son. That's perfect.

Yeah. We're naming him Winston. This is my retarded son Cornelius. Dottanian. God damn. Yeah, Albert. Shout out to Albert. Come here, corny.

Come on, corny boy. Come on, corn. Corn boy. What you doing out there, corn boy? Are you fixing stuff? Albert was, Albert was non-verbal. Yeah. We get basically he lives in the driveway.

We let him play with distributor caps. That's Cornelius. Instead of school, we got him a little tuxedo. We let him threaten the mailman. This is out there threatening the mailman. He tries to bite the mailman, comes inside, gets us some cold drinks, you know, just throwing them distributor caps around,

threatening the mailman. It's a lot. That's a life. That's a life for him. That's something he can agree with. He finds it very agreeable in his internal world of deficient cognition. Keep him chained up next to the dogs. This guy has a little house out there.

Yeah, he's got a dog. But it's nice to have a dog house. Yeah, it's a special person house. But it's nice. A little AC in there for the summertime. He's got, yeah, he's got some posters up. Poor Al. I feel bad for Albert.

Poor Albert. Poor Albert. He couldn't even defend himself. David, just hard as shit. Or she wasn't trying to rape him? No, he would just like tell the coach that Albert was high-sticking when we play like floor hockey and stuff. And Albert would just say,

not bullying, they were trying to get telling on. Telling on. Albert, stop snitching on reported people. Albert, stop high-sticking. Stop high-sticking, Albert. Coach. What an ass. What an asshole.

That is so mean. Is he still alive? Yeah, I think he's got a pill problem. Nice. Noice. A lot of kids got pill problems in Greek town. Couple kids died. Couple kids just got, just kind of.

Just got real cool. Fell into place. Right where they belonged over in Greek town. Yeah. Fuck, I got a little nuts are quivering. Joe List posted a picture of girl Norm and then girl Joe List on FaceApp. Nice. Are they cute?

Normans. All right, Joe. I mean, Joe List looks like Joe List. Kind of mousy looking a little. Yeah, recently found out what I'd look like as a bitch. Somebody posted a picture of me as a bitch on the internet. Yeah, I thought I'd be more attractive, but turns out I look disgusting.

I'm a disgusting bitch. I wouldn't fuck me. Oh, okay. Um, yeah. Yeah, it does look exactly like Joe, but with lipstick on. Yeah. Mark looks a little too much like Mark, although I guess I'd let him give me head.

Yeah. No, no, how about all that rape? Everybody was complaining. Oh, Joe's all right. Joe's, but he's still a fundamental. I mean, yeah, I was a woman for a day and I got raped. Just kidding. It never happened. I don't believe it ever happens.

It didn't happen to me. I mean, I was a pretty hot lady. Maybe it's only happening to the ugly ones. As Joe, I said, Joe, did you get raped? I can't do Joe. I never could, but I remember we were really doing cruising Joe List. I at least put some together. Well, that was that one night.

It, that was such a fun night, dude. Going up, having one of the worst sets of my life. Just putting me up at like, I had to go up first on that showcase. And it was like, there's no way this is going to be good. The fucking host is like, I think I opened up with like, would people be mad if I raped Harvey Weinstein? And then it was just nothing. I was like, I didn't buy one enough.

And then fucking like 10 minutes of getting nothing. And then, uh, and then just wandering around sexually harassing Jim, who's, who's, yeah, I remember that. I took a bunch of edibles. Yeah. Yeah. I went to that ice cream bar and my fucking hands went numb. That's right.

Yeah. Ice cream with the cookies. Toos. Looking cute. Jimmy. Jimmy. Hey, has anybody seen that Jim Toos guy? I already see Jim Toos.

I was wondering if, uh, maybe when I come hang out in the bathroom. Hey, you guys, pretty good festival. You know, I saw who is that Jim Toos guys. No, that guy's a cute guy. He's cute, Jimmy. Tell me, you don't have a girlfriend. Do you? Yeah.

Maybe we kiss the guy. Jim. Come here, buddy. We're drinking. Yeah. We'll try it out. Just give it a shot. See if you like it.

Come on. Yeah. Just try it out. Just give it a shot. Penis, limp penis out. Yeah. I don't know if I'm gay. I'd consider myself more of a scientist.

Just do bits through gay sex. What do they call it? Getting fucked. Shouldn't be HIV negative. You know, they should switch those. That is true. Because it's a bad thing. It's a bad thing to have it.

That's true. So true. So fucking true. Either way, that's what I meant when I said I was HIV negative earlier. Is that I'm riddled with virus? I have a negative disposition. This is just going to turn into a bomb. I'm losing it.

Well, everybody's seen Jim Toos. Yeah. Has anybody seen Jim Toos? Seen his asshole. I've heard it's cute. I'd like to look at it. I was telling him. I'm telling him gay sex.

I was telling him Jim Toos. Jim can't just be walking through here looking all sexy. You can't just come in here looking sexy. You can't just look cute. You can't look cute. I'm going to rape you. Yeah, I'm going to have sex with you. I'm going to pull down my pants and I'm going to put my penis in his ass.

This problem is I can't do an impression for more than five sentences before it turns into somebody else. Right. It's too liquid. Yeah, I got some liquid for you pal. I'd fuck Jim Toos the first second I got. Is that the rock? It is the rock.

Yeah, pretty good. I'm out here in beautiful Vancouver looking for Jim Toos. My cute boyfriend Jim Toos. Yeah, fast and furious. I came too fast and I'm furious about it because I'm looking at Jim Toos. I'm thinking about fucking him eight times. It's too sexy. It's too sexy.

Oh, I'm trying to have sex with Jim Toos too. Where's Jim Toos? Where is it? I'm going on fucking Jim Toos. I've heard about this Jim Toos guy here. Is this guy Jim Toos here? In the same, he's got one of the sexes. He's got one of the sexiest guys on the side.

Oh fuck. Salute. Yeah. Salute to a beautiful time. I'd like to transport my cum. And his ass. From my balls. From my balls all the way to his ass.

God damn. I'd like to crank two myself. Jim Toos. If I stop beating off the Jim Toos, I'll die. Crank two's. This is called crank three. Story goes, they figured out what was going on. They figured out they gave me a robot heart.

But now my days, I keep beating up. No, they didn't say it was specifically the Jim Toos. That's just what I like. That's just a chore, Salute. Just that character. He's going on Twitter and looking up Jim Toos. He's just jacking off the Jim Toos' headshots. Now where the hell is Jellio?

Shit, no, no. Just give me back my picture of Jim Toos. That's some good stuff right there, folks. Check out Jim Toos. Very funny comedian. Funny guy. Yeah. And sexy.

I wish I could do it at Jim Toos impression. I can't even remember his voice right now. He was just there when we came out, when you came up with Chris and Joe. Oh yeah, he just happened to be there. He happened to be the only person there. They walked up to him and he's like, who is this? I was going through.

And you're like, yeah, I want to go have gay sex in the bathroom. But he's like, which guy that we know is this? And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, he couldn't perceive the impression. He couldn't take the leap that it was. I was trying to figure out whether it was, because it's like the list in Norman, you don't really, we're like, I don't have to change my voice too much to do.

Right. So it's hard to tell whether it's accurate or not. Right. John Hamm's the same thing. Like it's just a slightly different register. Yeah. And then maybe a bit of a cadence thing. So it's like hard for me to tell if it even sounds like him.

I feel you on that one. What'd you do with the water? I poured it into that plan. Then I realized that it's going all over the ground now. He poured it into his ass. It was my water. I'll get you more water. I think it was good right now, right?

I just got a piss. Well, um, anyway, folks, I guess, uh, thanks for listening to the podcast. Oh, we're in an hour already. Oh yeah. We're at an hour time. Hour 10. Damn. Look at that.

I feel like we just did the read. Time flies when you're talking about having sex with Jim Tews. Yeah. I guess I, if I just, if I had like maybe 15 more impressions in my repertoire, it'd be great if I could just be an impressionist and then have a podcast where I just cycle through celebrities wanting to have sex with Jim Tews. Like I could be one of those YouTube guys. Like Callie Ender.

Yeah. A guy that could just, because there's YouTube guys that can do like 400 people. Yes. Yes. Those videos, those are, those are old internet too. Yeah. Well, it's, it's funny because it's like, you know, like, you would think that the guys who were best at impressions were like the ones that were famous,

but really it's like you also have to be a good comedian. Right. That doing impressions, like there's a lot of people that can just mail impressions, but then they have no ability to write a joke. They're not funny. No charisma on stage. Nothing. Yeah.

So YouTube, it was like, oh, this, and I, did I ever show you that Indian guy I found that does impressions? I don't think so. It's so funny because they, he's still just an Indian guy. The video was starting, he's like smiling and he's got a whole home recording set up and it's like, this is Dustin Hoffman. Awesome. And he's like, Dustin Hoffman.

How can you be Kramer if I'm Kramer? If we cannot be Kramer, they cannot be too Kramer. So they're fighting each other because I just want to have my son. I do not want to get a divorce. I want to have my son back and if I can get my son. And he looks, he thinks impressions are just talking as fast as possible and saying things. He sounds pretty good to me. Yeah.

Ah, fuck. Well, listen, folks. Do not, do not laugh at my penis. Do not laugh at my penis. If you ever laugh at my penis. Do not laughing at my penis. You will not allowed to laugh at my penis. And that was Gene Hackman.

Dude, this is Gene Penis. My name is computer printer and this is Gene Penis from the movie Enemy of My Penis. Yes. Yes, sir. All right. You ever see Jim twos? You ever see Jim twos' ass? One of the sexiest goddamn asses I've ever seen.

God damn it. God damn it. All these guys are fucking Jim twos. Yeah. If Jim twos were here right now, I'd fuck him. How you doing Coltrane? How are we doing Coltrane? How does he sound?

He's so fucking hard to do. Hackman? Gene Hackman is the hardest impression in the fucking world. It's kind of gruff. Because it seems like it would be accessible. He has a good, such a distinct voice and I don't know what it is about it that makes him so hard to do. I don't know.

I don't have no ear or ability to do impressions. But look folks, you want me to stop this? Come downtown and buy shirts. And listen, watch Stivey Soles Your Problems on YouTube and stuff. Friday is at 6 o'clock on Twitch.