The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 220 – Adam Says The Judy Gold Word

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

or does he

They're in showing two of my favorite movies, which Yeah, I started. So you probably don't want to mention the movie theater that I won't mention specifically. I know, yeah, I'm yeah, I'm sure you won't. But it did before pre it because we have no way to edit this. We don't have the ability to take remember to ask the audio guy to cut things out. That's we lack that technology to remember things. I've got an audio guy after what?

Oh, yeah, I'm still sending the shit over to homeboy because I did it myself for like two weeks and it went right back to sounding like shit. And then there was that weird thing with the mic, you know, and I was like, can you fix this? Could he? I don't know. I don't check. I've literally never once listened to the show ever. It's something you don't have to worry about. That's about it. Oh, God damn.

But the fuck is up, everybody? Well, we got two phone guys. Sorry, I just saw this. I'm doing business for the show. I got to pull up the fucking business. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. What were you doing? We have. I saw this.

Our good friends manscaped or we'll be hearing about them later later on. That's a little T later on in the show. One of you pieces of shit leaked the promo code to a website, which is that bad? Yeah, creates a lot more work for me because again, then they have to email me and say we added numbers to the end of the promo code. And then I have to look at the email. Wait, isn't it good if people use our promo code? But if they use our promo code, that means that we're directing

more people to buy their products. Yeah, but we don't see any of that money. Well, doesn't that help us add more valuable? You think this is this isn't no, it's not. We already get paid a million dollars in ad. It's true. We get to buy out. We don't see any points on the package. There's no commission on any of this.

You're likely to get renewed, though, by having more promo codes put in. I threaten them. That's fair enough. You don't need it. It's not about performance. It's they made a deal with the devil. That's right. Nick is a real hothead. Have you ever sucked on the devil's penis or the pale moonlight?

We signed the contracts, but then I know their address. I know where they live. And I say, look, either you were renewed or somebody's going to take a trip down to PS112 and see Rebecca. Does that sound familiar? Seven years old. She's got your eyes. I can see them through my scope.

I can see her phenotype matches yours through my Barrett 50 cow. That's right. And then he kills the class hamster as a fucking warning sign. Right. Yeah. She's in class doing like, my daddy works as a media buyer for Manscaped. For Manscaped. And there I'm penis and ball, twin, income money.

I'm, I could not be more proud of my daddy who works in and then the fucking hamster just explodes. And then we see me as Willem Dafoe and John Wick. Yeah. But he didn't take the shot, right? He does. He does. He does.

The lady. Yeah. He kills the. It doesn't kill her. He wounds her. No, he kills the guys. Tyra, right? Oh, yes.

He does it twice. When John Wick's getting bagged. Yeah. He saves John Wick. Right. He sends the warning shot in the hotel because he's going to follow hotel rules. Yeah. You don't kill on the premises.

You can't kill on the premises. But he warns John Wick. Yeah. But then in the fucking garage, he kills the Russians. Yeah. Mm-hmm. For anybody wondering, I forgot there were two separate Sniper, Willem Dafoe. Stavis an associate's degree in the John Wick series.

Professor of Wicology. He took community college courses. I would literally teach a class on John Wick. I would take the class. A class on a movie to me is like as appealing as something to me. Well, it's so funny because it's like that's how you, that was the direction that the tuition bubble was heading in. It's some state school offering like a John Wick.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Undergraduate degree. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. People like, I mean, that's what it was. People are like, yeah, I'm going to this school because it's good for partying and they

offer a John Wick degree. Yeah. I would do that. I'll be a quarter million dollars in debt. But afterwards, I'll be able to manage a blockbuster. That's right. Not only will that pay off the student loans, but they'll be in business forever. That was 2004.

Yeah. The money that I didn't spend on tuition, I actually took extra loans and put it into blockbuster stock. Mm-hmm. So it's going to pay for itself. Speaking of blockbuster. Actually not really. It's unrelated to blockbuster, but I got a new shirt for sale.

Fucking love the shirt. Oh, thank you. I laughed so hard. I got to find something that people can actually wear. I'm wearing it. I'm getting one. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'll comp you one if you want. Oh, you'll comp him one. Oh, nice. Nice. The first comp shirt. Yeah. Yeah. The first comp shirt that I've heard of.

Hey, Adam, would you like a free Stompy Baby merchandise? I would love one. Thank you as my friend for offering me one. Go to Stompy Stompy. I will make it clear that I don't want one of your shirts. I don't. It was never offered to you. Yeah.

Well, it wasn't offered to you. This was a conversation we were having between the two of us. Do you know about how Japanese people go? Back to where we were. Pop, pop, pop. Being polite. Which is still in receiving a free shirt for me, which you can purchase on Come.Town. Okay.

Yeah. Well, Adam will be receiving a free shirt for me, which you can purchase on Stompy.Biz. And you know what? Don't worry. We're going to edit all this stuff. Oh, we can edit this now. Now we know how to edit. I'm going to.

When Stompy.Biz comes a competitor. I'm going to do a swipe up on story to Stompy.Biz. Thank you. Tell you what. My Stompy.Biz. If anyone out there has a botnet and they're willing to DDoS, Stompy.Biz. No. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Come on, man. You know they'll do it. I need a screenshot. You know they'll do this. You know they'll do this. Channel in which you're sending. Can you stop saying this?

Because they're going to do it. Yeah. Come on. None of the people listening to this show have a functional botnet. If this happens, you owe me $10,000. None of them do. No, no. That's my challenge.

No, promise them $10,000. You owe me $10,000 if I'm harassed like this. I don't owe them $10,000. Yes, you do. No, I don't. It's on record. And there's no law that says that if you encourage people to do something criminal, you owe money to the person who's the victim of the crime.

I think there is. No. No. No such law exists. All right. Now it's a two on two. What about that lady that fucking... Oh, yeah.

The woman that got her face ripped off by the chimp. No. The lady that told her boyfriend to kill himself. Yeah. She went to jail. A different lady. She went to jail. And you're going to be like her with the fucked up eyebrows.

I hate that girl. That's going to be you, Nick. You're going to be in jail. Yeah. And they're going to paint. They're going to make you look like that girl and all the guys in jail are going to have sex with you. I didn't tell you guys...

But six months ago, I got in a pen pal relationship with a woman in prison who is rejoining us. The last time he was on the show, he talked a little bit about his movie, Raccoons. What are they good for? The Raccoons. I think that's the title of it. The Raccoons. The... The Raccoons.

What the hell are these things? The Raccooning. It's a nature documentary in IMAX, at home IMAX. No, Dylan's here promoting his film. Killer Raccoons 2, Dark Christmas in the Dark. Hell yeah. Currently the number one comedy at the U.S. box office in Top 10 as well. Respect.

That's amazing. He's all the big guys thought that they could take the number one spot, but Dylan did it. That's kind of the narrative of how this show worked is everybody else went out of business or died and then we cruised into the spot. We engineered a plague. Well, I think we pulled in $3,000 to the box office. Nice. It's perfect for the type of movie it is and we get that.

They should try and re-release Welcome to Marwin right now. Have you thought about trying to get your number one distribution in China? We're on that. You're in China. We might be soon. Honestly, that could be... Dude, I'm sure that would pop off because they, first of all, they love raccoons, especially Koreans love raccoons.

Yeah, that's actually the... Is that why the Tanuki shoot? Lots of those markets are being looked at. We have a distributor that's like, majority of your money is going to be made international. Dude, it is nowadays. It's going to be so funny when you make $50 million in Asia. It's not going to happen. But yeah.

But I mean, you don't know that. If I make $50,000 over 10 years, it will all be like... Next time we see you, you're going to be dressed in Jackie Chan pajamas, looking like a fucking Bond villain. Yeah. So what kind... Okay, let's make a movie that's going to be big in China. Let's make...

We'll plan it out. How are we going to be millionaires? We've got a lot of Chinese people that listen to the show. We've got a lot. First of all, Dajahau. Second of all, please check out Dylan's film, Raccoons from Outer Space. What the hell are these things? Raccoons with human pussies, too.

The Chinese... That's not a bad idea, Tom. The Chinese title of the film, Raccoons, What Are They Good For? Yep. Okay, so what elements would we need to make the most successful international foreign movie? James Bond, for one. They love James Bond.

All right, so we need a British guy. No, you need a Chinese James Bond. Chinese James Bond. So who could play it? Who's the most famous Chinese guy? I'm like trying to think of one. It's not Jackie Chan. Bradley Cooper.

Bradley Cooper. Really? Yeah. No, you know who? Tom Hanks in that movie where they make the nations. Who do you think they went to? Olivia Munn. Dream some.

You just... She's got that. Oh, yeah. It should be Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones. I think I know... You want to smash it in China. Step one, start with a black woman.

That's the key to making a scene. Cloud Atlas. Yeah. Tom Hanks was the biggest... It was Chinese and Cloud Atlas. The biggest rage in China right now is seeing more representation of... They love that stuff. Of black women.

They love it. Well, BLM really took off in China. They had some protest in fit. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay, we need James Bond and he's shooting... The Weaver Weavers. The Weavers.

Yes, exactly. He's murdering Weavers children here. Yeah. And they're like... And the Weavers are like, damn, son. Played by Jamie Kennedy. Yeah. Jamie Kennedy.

It's surprising his role for Melody's most wanted. All right. And then we get... How about the Jamie Kennedy experiment? And he's like, have we done this already? Where he's like... He's like, I'm Jamie Kennedy and I'm going to be sewing two Jewish twins' brains together. Oh, yeah.

The Mengele. Yeah. I think we've done some... A couple of different versions of the Jamie Kennedy experiment. I worked for... I was working for a Burger King campaign. Yeah. And they tried to send us over to Taiwan and have us fake, shut down an imposter Burger

King. Oh, yeah. And not with no permission. Yeah. Oh, wow. They tried to send the crew over there. They're like, this is a great idea. We're going to just...

You were going to get... God, dude. Oh, yeah. No, we were like... This was... The job got... Yeah, you were going to get macheted. Yeah.

Taiwan's got to be wild. It's Chinese Nazis. Is that the best way... That's the story. Yeah. I'm so ignorant. Yeah. On the fascism over there.

Well, they had a civil war in the 40s and some of the Chinese people were like, we should all be stupid and not wear glasses. They have good movies. And then the other Chinese people were like, we're the master race. And the Chinese that said that we should all be morons that live in the provinces. They won the war and then the Han supremacists had to go live on an island where they'd been inbreeding for the last six months. Is that a real?

Yeah. That's the story of the Chinese. I mean, that might be sort of a Western perspective. Yeah. I thought Taiwan was cool or something. Taiwan is free market. Yeah. What about Tibet?

Which one's cool? Tibet. Free Tibet. Right? They got free. They've been a lot better. Yeah. What's going on in Tibet?

That's where the Dalai Lama's at. I think Brad Pitt's allowed to go back now. Yeah. Well, Tibet actually, they had to pretend like Tibet was doing well for a couple years while Martin Scorsese was paying attention to it. When he was coondoing? Yeah. And then he became obsessed with, I don't know, probably some type of African instrument.

No. He was obsessed with making your, with technology now. He did Hugo and then he's making Robert De Niro look young. Yeah. That's right. He's all about the aging. Yeah. Hugo was gay.

Yeah. That was a gay aspect. It was about you actually. No. Well, you don't even know what it's about. A train. A gay kid in the lowest trains. No.

It's you. No. And technology. A little. It wasn't about me at all. It's a guy, it's a little kid who gets fucked in the ass by Sasha Baron Cohen on a train. It was about, I completely missed that. It's about who?

It was about, it was about Scorsese's love. It was a love letter to the movies. Love letter to the movies. To the cinema. To the cinema. Interesting. Yeah. That was my interpretation.

Yeah. Well, you were at the concession stand demanding to meet the singing popcorn. Yeah. What the fuck? Don't put the man out there. He's not going to fucking... I'm trying to hang out with him. I want to eat from him while he smiles.

I'm trying to be boys with the cup that sings. I would be so sad when I finally killed him by eating him. But it would happen. Yeah. That would be like of my cement. It really would be. Your Broadway play about you. The retarder guy actually eats the guy though.

Yeah. It'd be if George was made out of popcorn and Lenny ate him. We need a little reboot and Lenny wins and then he gets to fucking snap as many necks as he wants. I was thinking it'd be cool to do a production of Mycenae Men, but Lenny never kills the puppy or the girl. George just gets tired of him. Just kills him.

Just because he's... Very annoying and retarded. Yeah. Because he has mental... Yeah. He keeps handing him puppies and babies and bitches with skinny necks to break and then he just likes them. He just gives them little kisses on the cheeks.

He's just sweet. He's like, fuck. Where's the conflict? Yeah. You need that apparently. It's what I... Well, we got a real movie guy here shitting on our dreams, right? Come on.

It's... You gotta drive the story forward. It's not a movie. It's a play. It's a play based on a novel. Yeah. And literature doesn't require conflict. No.

So true. Really? I remember that from class. Could you wax further on that? It's nonsense. It's not nonsense. No, I... What the Japanese refer to as Mononanoware.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen Dragon Ball Z? The suchness of things that you can simply make a movie about the profundity of being a retard and understand that there is no difference between the retard's nature and your own. So fucking true. Have you seen that? Yeah.

You know what? That actually sounds like a movie Adam would literally watch. Yeah. But it's like Swedish. Yeah. But it's everything you just said. Yeah. And it sucks dick.

And then I'd put it on another box. And you're like, oh, this is so good. Yeah. What was the movie that you found out? So good. It's about a retard. And then he goes to the woods and dies. That's amazing.

Well, the conflict would be brother nature. What did it make you feel or think about, Adam? It's about a retard. Well, it would be some director, he would say. Have you guys just seen Love on the Spectrum on Netflix? No. I have not. It's about how true.

Everyone's telling us. Two autistic people, how they can get into it. Is it only two? I just saw the thing. It reminded me of that Giovanni or BC movie where they were like, we can take care of each other. Oh, yeah. The one where they were, I guess, they were more retarded than like.

Well, but their powers combined. They were too retarded. Well, now it's like I actually got joined together. They're the most retarded. They couldn't do, they couldn't do the retarded one now. Yeah. No, you're right. So that.

Yeah. Julia Lewis. She's perfect. Oh, yeah. She's kind of halfway there. Julia Lewis. I mean, like, it has to be top build across the bottom though. Yeah.

She's, she's a better retard in the Cape Fear remake than she is in the other sisters. Yeah. It's only like a retard Lolita. That's my novel. Yes. That's the novel I'm working on. Lolita. Lolita.

Yeah. It's just some fucking German professor giving retarded girls candies and chocolates. Yeah. I mean, it wouldn't be much different than the movie. Yeah. I haven't seen it already. You haven't seen Cape Fear? No.

Either one. Either one. Just watch the denier and ignore Julia Lewis. You know, I've never seen the original. Do yourself a favor. There's, I don't even know I have a different one other than the same episode. Oh, yeah. No, it's a remake.

It's a classic. Yeah. It's a shot for shot remake. I should know that. The 1990 one. It's one of the fucking movies now, motherfucker. I know what I know. That's why when you watch that 90s Cape Fear, there's all those kind of dated, well, there's

dated shots, like those like quick, you know, like up-close shots of... Stylized. Yeah. Well, it's stylized because it's, you know, interesting and that makes me want to see it more. Yeah. If you look at the cinematography of that movie is like very much a good dated for 1990 for sure.

I don't even compare it to any other, like, watch like fucking, I don't know, along came a spider or any other fucking thriller. Die Hard. Yeah. It doesn't look or feel, it feels like a much older movie. They did a shot for shot of Psycho too. Yeah. Gus Vins and...

Yeah. Vince Vaughn. I liked Vince Vaughn. I liked Dark Psycho. How about Bus Van Pants? Yes. And he's always... That's correct.

He's nutting in his pants. Yes, sir. At that. You know what was the hot scene in, what was it? The last days on earth or whatever the fuck, the Cobain, Gus Vins and movie. Last days. Last days where Asia... Wasn't that a documentary?

Asia Argento is only wearing a shirt and just a squat down and her ass comes out of the shirt. You see your pussy? You see your... We need a shot at you, a mirror is falling over and you have to pick up the mirror. Well, maybe you see the bottom of her pussy, I don't know. Don't have any pants on. I thought he was American.

And for the first time you see your pussy. We see your pussy. He's very... Can you please stop fact checking every... It sounds like a blend. Yeah. He's just... He's a gay guy from Portland.

I picked up the German accent from hanging out with Gwyneth Paltrow. What other movies did he make? My Private Idaho. Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting. Well, that was the boy. The elephant, the school shooting one? Yeah, that was...

Did you get around? Yep. Said it. To die for? Have you seen that movie? To die for with Cole Kidman. Yeah. That's not like any bangers to me.

Cole Kidman is a fucking 10 in that movie. Absolutely. She's so hot. I saw my Private Idaho recently and it... Did it do things for you? No. Middle of the... I was fast.

For no reason, like in the middle of the movie, they just start talking like doing Shakespeare. Like Richard the Fifth or something. Fuck that dude. It sucks. They were... What you guys just said except for Good Will Hunting was a banger. River Phoenix. You don't like Good Will Hunting?

River Phoenix and Young... I like Good Will Hunting. I don't know anything else. River Phoenix and Young Neo are both really cute in the movie. But they play a boy horse. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. And they're...

Pustlers. How about Giver Phoenix? Giver Phoenix. And you just take the F out of his last name and then G. Phoenix. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I had a good one but I forgot it. Yeah, I'm sure you did.

Was it... Hey, this is Stav, please DDoS my website. No. Stop saying that, man. Please. I don't appreciate it. I really hope that... Please.

Sick. He's gonna... This is gonna happen. I mean... And he's gonna be like, what? It's not my fault. It literally will not be my fault. It will literally be your fault.

We don't understand causality. There is no way it's not your fault. It's absolutely not my fault. Someone please murder Stavros. You can't blame a person for putting ideas out into the cause. No, you can't because no ideas are sourced in the individual. They all exist in the... Don't you try and pretend to be smart right now.

It's not trying to be smart. He's accurate. I am accurate. This is the problem. Guys like this are gonna be like, he's right, Nick is smart. How many guys like this are there? And this is a good guy. There's gonna be guys just as stupid.

My whole point is with access to mischief. It's impossible for me to be smart because again, these ideas all exist externally. Don't you dare. Look, if I get whatever the fuck you say. This just sounds like a little... You owe me money. I'm a little... I'm a little spooked.

I'm gonna come to your apartment. I'm gonna steal everything in the middle of the night. It's not even his stuff. Oh, is that so, Nick? Yeah. Do you not feel like it's your stuff? This stuff is just ideas. Can I have it then?

Sure. I don't care. If you can get up to stairs with my second floor problem. Yeah, we've been... We've been a clever trap. We've been recording at mine because it's one floor lower. It is weird that you ended up living in such a vertical city. I'd, yeah.

Well, I don't have a problem with up to three floors. After that, it's... After that, I'm not one... What's the highest floor you've ever been to? I want to say... All right, I forgot about elevators and escalators. With stairs. With stairs?

Imagine a world where there's no elevators or escalators. You could make the claim that Stav is probably never seen higher than the fourth floor in his life. First of all, how dare you? I've been on the Acropolis. He's just... He's just never... He's never seen...

I've been on the Acropolis, thank you very much. That's just a hill. But it's fucking... That's a lot of stairs and shit. A hill is the stairs. A hill is one big... A hill is not a stairs. A hill is one big stairs.

A hill is one big stairs. It's a stairs there. It's a stairs there. It's a stairs there. It's a slow... They're very, very, very little stairs, essentially. You can drag yourself up a hill. It's one big-ass stair that's sideways.

It's a smooth stair. Yes. A smooth stair. It's a smooth sideways stair. One big-ass stair. Speaking of that. But it equals stairs. So yeah.

You took the gondola up and walked down. I mean, I really don't think that he would have probably had four, five... No, I've been... Have you gone to like a... At least six or seven. Have you sat in the nosebleeds at the stadium? No chance. Oh, thank you.

In Madison Square? Oh. The Raven Stadium? I've been high as shit at. How about that, motherfucker? That's pretty high as stadium. That's pretty high. Yeah.

That's like six stories. M&T Bank? I'd give him six. I've been to at least seven. At least seventh floor of something. What if there was a girl... This is what we need to do. Now we're talking.

We need to find a girl that's on like a sixth floor walk-up. That could be life-changing. That would be a better version of that movie, Elysium, where they just get rid of all the escalators and stairs and everyone's just fat as shit speaking Spanish in the lobby. And then there's rich people that just live on like the 20th floor and they're all CrossFit guys. Yeah. Wait, what does that make me perfect?

You're not perfect. I want to be the perfect guy because I get pussy. No, you're one of the Spanish guys. No, Adam's thing was that there's a girl. In Nick's analogy. Does he continue speaking Spanish in that movie or is it only in the movie? I never saw it. I believe he faces it out.

I don't think so. In the beginning they start off and it's like Matt Damon and he's like Boracocataco. He's like a fucking Spanish guy. I believe he's fluent. Yeah, but you get the impression that he's supposed to be like, you know, a Spanish guy. Wait, what series is that associated with Elysium? I believe it was the sequel. It wasn't a sequel, but the guy who did District 9.

Yeah. Oh, really? It was his next movie? Yeah. He was supposed to star Eminem. Uh-uh. Yeah. Eminem backed out.

Shut the fuck up. Some happened with Eminem when they brought in Matt Damon. Oh my God. There's a... Wait, Matt Damon was the backup choice for Eminem? Correct. Yeah. Well, it's Chappy came next.

Yeah. Chappy's not bad. That rocks. I didn't mind Chappy. Not bad. Anyways, now's the time to mention our good friends over at Madescapes. Yeah. You know who doesn't have a penis is Chappy?

Chappy doesn't have a penis. But he could be. But he still grows bodies. But he has put penis hair. Mm-hmm. Chappy was originally a pair of scissors designed by Madescape that became sentient and couldn't live with himself from eating pubes for his entire life, so he went to South Africa to kill himself.

Mm-hmm. And then he put it in with my grandma. But instead the guy from... He shaved her pussy. Sons out, bums out, and hopefully your pubes are not out. That's right. Madescape offers the best tools to keep your hair groomed. Mm-hmm.

Oh, fuck. I just Madescaped for the first time in a long time. Oh, really? Tell me about their tools. Why don't you tell me about your experience using Madescape? Well, I... Which you did use. Which you did.

No, no, you used, right? I did use Madescape. You did. It was really good, wasn't it? I used a razor. No, no, you didn't. You used the... Yeah, you forgot what you used.

The lawnmower 3.0, didn't you? I remember. We don't have a way to edit this, so... Remember, you used... I'm not trying to blow... I'm trying to learn about Madescape. No, you're trying to tell everyone that you used it. I used Shears 2.0 for Madescape.

Just fucking lie. Just lie. Just lie. I'm a bad liar. A terrible liar. It makes me a bad comment. Shaving your pubes is lying anyways. That's true.

You're lying to women and saying, Look at me, I'm a little boy. I'm a boy. I'm a little tiny boy and you're a pedophile. I shave my pubes every time I get like this. Is your wife a fucking pedophile whore? Well, then you'll love Madescape's Shears 2.0. Wait, Shears?

Yeah, they're Shears. They got Shears and they got the lawn mower. I didn't know. They switched it up. They got a new one. The Shears. The Shears I gave to Adam. They got Shears.

No, I got the lawn mower. No, I gave you both. They sent me both and I gave them both to you. Okay. Well, I have them too and I love it. I love the lawn mower. I love whichever one... Whichever one we're being paid to talk about today.

I love it. I can definitely tell the difference between the Shears 2.0 and the lawn mower. Especially once they're out of the packaging and sitting in my... Oh, I guess Shears is for your nails? No. Which I know that. Yeah, it is for your nails. Which I know because I have it and I've used it and it's good.

I've used it and not only is it good, I've been thinking about cutting my fingers off. Yep, because I'm done with my nails. My nails are perfect. I'm done trimming my nails and now it's like I want to cut myself more and hurt my body so I can feel something. So I can feel finally. The Shears 2.0 is a luxury four-piece nail kit featuring tempered stainless steel tools. It includes slash tip tweezers, rounded point scissors, fingernail clippers, and a medium grit nail file.

I love it. I have any ones there. So if you're some garden district homo trying to galavan around the by-water. Get your fingers smooth and polished and ready to go in a man's house. You need to have your home manicure done so you can signal. They call it signaling down when you're in the French Quarter. And you want to let other guys know. That's right.

You mean business. You're open. Yeah, open for business. The port of your ass. Port of call your asshole. Port of call my ass. And they pair perfectly with the Lawn Mower 3.0. Oh, which I love.

Or a perfect package. You got the mentions on that? Yeah, it's good. Well, I'll tell you this much. It's got a quiet stroke technology. Yeah. These are actually the only things approved by the TSA. Yeah.

You can't bring your laptop anymore. Now with COVID, the only thing that the TSA approved is Lawn Mower 3.0 and Shears 2.0. Yeah, I don't know about Shears. They are scissors. Well, the lawn mower. The thing is by the time this goes up, the rules probably will have changed. So true. We're working on something right now.

I have full reason to believe, legally speaking, that by the time this ad airs, the TSA will have allowed both scissors and only the Shears 2.0 brand of scissors on their planes. And if that's not true, here's a disclaimer. I don't know. Fuck you. Fuck you. You have that for a disclaimer. Suck my dick and use promo code whatever the fuck.

Come down 20 at manscape.com. You're probably wearing flip flops and people don't want to see those nasty unclipped toes. How about we just say, if you're from Iran, you'll love this stuff. You got sort of an Iranian guy vibe wearing sandals around and doing your own manicures. You'll love not having ungroomed feet when you're on your way to the airport. Which you will be able to have. Which you'll be able to, especially as an Iranian guy. Especially as an Iranian guy with open toes sandals.

They're like, first of all, sir, even though you're wearing flip flops, you got to take those shoes off. Second of all, why do you have a bunch of scissors? All you brought was 18 nail clipper 2.0s. I have to trim my penis. Shear 2.0s. I have to make sure my penis looks cute on the plane. Second not to have my penis in the chest.

It's my penis and my nails look bad. You know part of that whole, like the fucking, how Muslims can't, they got to trim their mustache, but leave the beard. Part of those rules, they're also, you got to trim your pubes. That's awesome. Is it really? Yeah. For real.

Yeah. That's like the reverse of head coverings. It's Hadith. It's Sharia. It's not Sharia. It's Hadith. Yeah, there's a Hadith. Listen, get the motherfucking lawn mower at 3.0 and the fucking shears 2.0 and keep your

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They're doing all kinds of, yeah, just prep, just, it's spa from the waist down. Fall toner. And they're, from up from there, it's all just bed sores. Disgusting. Yeah. You get 20% off plus free shipping. Black you can spread on toast and have for lunch. 20% off plus free shipping with the promo code COMTOWN20 at Mansapie.com.

That's 20% off with free shipping with promo code COMTOWN20. Summer is here. It's time to trim up with Manscaped. That's so true. Yeah. What point is it illegal like for the Muslims pubes to grow out? Like how free, what is the, what is the frequency at which it becomes like a sin? That's why it's against law.

That's why it's a dumb, it's a dumb religion. Okay. Not in my opinion. Because they don't know. I think it's a beautiful. They have all these, they have all these rules, but they don't think through to have the rules clarified in any way, where you compare it to something like Japanese Zen and just having tea in the 1600s, there were 630 different rules for what you're allowed to talk about.

Sounds comforting. Yeah. Where the tea is supposed to go. And look, we can say Islam is stupid, but let's not forget Judaism. Yeah. No, I, I, I'm, well that's not a religion. I'm fine to rag on all Abrahamic religions. No, it's not a religion.

It's more of like a terms of service. Yeah. It's a fine print. Yeah. Yeah. I was raised conservative Christian. The, the rules is what pushes you away. Really?

Yeah. It's just being like as a kid, seeing any inconsistency where it's like, oh, you got to dress up for morning service, but not for night service. Night service. Yeah. We've got to go fucking 11 a.m. and 6 p.m. Conservative Christian. It's like evangelical.

I sure, I believe all Christians should be evangelical, but shout out to Greek Orthodoxy because we're technically Orthodox, but we don't follow any rules. Well, it was called Orphodox Presbyterian Church. That was like the, the OPC, which is like a fundamentalist conservative. You down with OPC? Yeah. Do you have a guitar at church? No.

What was it? It was like that. Strictly piano hymns and songs. Piano. Oh, that's gay. Yeah. The idea of bringing in, you know, brick building. It is.

Or like cement inside building. Straight dock. I would. Inside peanut butter outside jelly. Exactly. Seven days of the week, seven different shabbies. Mm-hmm. That's the only psalm.

Yeah. Pomp, pomp, pomp, pomp, pomp, pomp, pomp. Have you ever sucked south penis with the butterfly balls? I want butterfly balls. They'll be cool, dude. Butterflies go up. Yeah. Oh.

Like suicide balls. Like suicide. Oh yeah, suicide balls. Suicide balls. Wait, what are butterfly doors? Yeah. Butterfly doors. Butterfly doors, I think are gull wing doors.

Cause there's gull wing doors. Yeah. There's. Oh yeah. Those would be cool. A couple of, yeah. The ones that just go out, those are gull doors and that might be synonymous with butterfly. There's scissor doors, which are synonymous with lambos and lesbians.

Suicide doors open from the B pillar towards the back. So the terms all get fucked up. Like on the truck? Like the access cab? The most famous suicide doors is in the intro to Arturo. Yeah. Well, like an old, I think the continental was like the last production car I've probably had.

Sure. But like most, like most current ones. I swear I haven't. Access cab, that's that door. Yeah. That opens that. Yeah. That would be, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. I've always thought suicides were the straight ups. No. Suicide doors are doors that open towards the rear of the car. Hmm. You learn something every day. I wonder why that's called.

Suicide doors, I think are synonymous with lambos. Yeah. Yeah. I thought lambos doors were suicide. The Lorian is your goal wing. That's what you're saying? Those are goal wings. I want those for my nuts.

I want goal wing nuts. Mm-hmm. They just perch around my cock. Yeah. That would be awesome. Did you ever, you ever done a hood slide? Slide across the hood in my car? Yeah.

Like a cops? I do it all the time. You do it a lot? Yeah. I should try it. Do you take a parking ticket off your car with your ass in front of a meter maid doing it that way? They have to take it back.

They have to take it. Even if it's covered in shit. Yeah. Doesn't matter if they put it in the car. Well, that's actually the trick. Motherfuckers. It's stuck to the shit. Every time you do this.

It's always the Indian guys and the ladies. And I took your word for it. I didn't even look up if this is the rule. You just fucking have binoculars waiting for some fucking meter maid to come by. I gotta find out what those guys' religion is to see if I can scour the books for some way that they're going to hell or being reborn as some kind of shitty bug for giving me a ticket. Because you can't hit them with the like, I can't see the sign, they'll be like, I

don't know what you're saying. Right. I'm doing my job. But just pull out a picture of like an elephant with butterfly ears for wings and be like, this guy look familiar to you? Yeah. Did they all get laid off? I wonder what he would say.

What does he say about snitching? What does he say about snitching? It's just what you're doing basically. He's like, oh no, I've pissed off Printer. It'd be crazy. I've pissed off Babbar. Babbar is Hindu. Yeah.

My God, Babbar. It'd be crazy if those guys, the Indian meter maid guys went home and beat their wives just like regular cops. They probably do. Yeah. Do you think so? I mean, they have to be angry. He goes home and he opens like a glass of, I don't know, what's an Indian beer?

India Pale Ale? Yeah. An India Pale Ale and he sits in front of the TV and then he writes himself a ticket and puts it in his mouth and that's how he kills himself. He just shoves a bunch of parking tickets in his mouth until he dies. Yeah. He slices his wrists with hundreds and hundreds. You can take on auto-erotic asphyxiation there.

A cute laxity exidosis from the tickets. Oh yeah. You can slice your mouth open with them shits too. There's a lot of ways you can kill yourself. More paper cuts, suffocating while you express. More paper. That's terrible. That's the fate I wish upon them for writing my ticket.

At this point, I would probably, if I could look at the amount of money I've spent on parking tickets here in New York, I would probably take that test. It's like rent. I've just straight up not been paying them since quarantine. I love it. Have you been booted? No. Have you guys?

Once you get booted, you pay them. Not if I just take a fucking angle grinder to the thing, which at this point, I'm not for it. I'm not. I'm not above. I mean, fuck this city. Fuck this fucking place. They're still going to issue parking tickets.

I know. I haven't gotten a single one. My rent got raised. What? You get them all the time. That's wild. You're right. What up?

That's why I'm piecing out. I put an offer on a house. Insane. I put an offer on a house 12 hours within them sending me a lease renewal with an increased rent. I thought that they paused that. They didn't pause it. No.

Not only did they pause it. I feel like when I moved in, I had like, I have like the worst credit. I was in a bad situation. Are your landlords, uh, no, no, it's not necessary. Um, no, it's not necessary. Let's just say I can't stand it. Oh, we know what you mean. We got it.

We got it. That's right. Women. You can take the other one. The women of races. That's funny, but they had to, they had me pay two security deposits to get in my place. Oh my God. That's not legal.

They're not giving it back. They're not giving it back. So then I didn't know when it went illegal, like to 2019, they, when we resigned, I resigned last time. They didn't give me my security deposit back. Then when COVID hit in April, I was like, Hey, I've got two security deposits. Can I just throw? Can I just use one of them for April?

Um, because like, like, I don't know what's going on right now. Like my, my industry was shut down and I wasn't on unemployment and so I was like, I don't know what to do. Can we just use that? And they're like, yeah, but you're going to have to pay it back. And then I like found out, then I looked up and found out that was legal and I was like, are you kidding me? Yeah.

Just don't pay it. Well, now I'm not even, now I'm not paying the last month's rent and I'm not even telling him I'm moving out. Respect. Like, so I'll just be gone. Big respect. Like, I'm like, no, fuck you. Yeah.

You're literally trying to steal money from me during, like during this time. You made an agreement with them. I don't know if it's so appropriate to just let out the space for some commercial thing like if somebody just needs an office or something for a month and then collect, collect rental income on it and then have them find out, or you should let gypsies move in because then you make it some, then you make it somebody else's problem and you fuck them over, which is, but then you fuck up those people that aren't the landlords, but there's two birds with one stone, that's the pros.

You get justice and you ruin someone else's life. Oh, fuck. I had a friend to their landlord, let's just say it was from an apartheid, say in the Middle East that's has occupied certain two, two parts of, I guess the entire thing is, whatever. They made them pay their rent, half cash, half check every month. What? So I think because taxes, and I think it was because they were probably getting some sort of credit for low income housing.

So they were just showing the checks unbelievable. Just stop paying them cash. Yeah. Yeah. Just tell them to go. I'm at the point where I'm ready to fucking rumble with the landlord. You have a Greek? No.

I don't. I have a meter made style landlord. Wow. In your country. Yeah. In Astoria. Yeah. Wow.

But he's a piece of shit. He doesn't really, well, I won't say he's a piece of shit, but he's just like a neglectful ass motherfucker. I've never had a bad landlord except for the Korean guy in Los Angeles. Oh yeah. You were ready to go to war? Dude, last time I was in LA I just drove past that place and I was like, what if I just killed this motherfucker?

No one knows I'm in town. I did. I did. I sat out in the fucking rental car and I was like. Like the Italians that they would always use for hits? Yeah. You just knock on the door. DHL.

DHL. No one knows I'm here. They got the wrong guy. It's been two, it's been three years almost. You killed the wrong Korean? No. I would know. You would know?

Yeah. He's been taking enough Chinese classes. Same thing. That's true. Yeah, how would you do it? If you did it? I assume with a samurai sword. Yeah, I don't know.

You just stab him in the chest, knock on the door, stab him in the heart, fuck him maybe a couple of times in the neck, wipe the knife off, leave it there, just some bullshit. You're not afraid of him fighting back if you stab him in the heart? You stab him in the neck and face real quick a couple of times. Maybe some people will be in shock, he doesn't know what to expect. You do like a classic phone check, prison style shit. Big kitchen knife, you just fucking get him. I don't care.

Stab, face, neck. You don't think gun? What's that? You wouldn't go gun? You stab his face. That causes this whole issue where it's like, you know, the drill. You know, yeah, exactly. Where am I going to get a gun?

That gun was made somewhere. It's already risky enough to use a fucking knife. I mean, it's risky to go there to murder this guy, to talk about it on the show. The main issue is that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from talking about it on the show. Or one of you would. Most likely Adam would. Let's be honest.

That's not true. Yeah, Adam would be. No, that is, that's something he's saying I do that I don't do. Murder that guy? I have, no, if anything, you have the least discretion of the three of us. I will let you know that Stab has already violated our discretion rules once during this episode. It's not true.

Yes, it is. I'm not going to point out how. I will privately later, but you, you absolutely have. And you would. I would also admit, I would be the one to let it slip that I murdered a Korean man. But it's. Who had wronged you? Okay.

Who had wronged me. Yeah. It's not just some random killing. Okay. A guy that. It's justified. That ripped Nick off to the tune of maybe $1,200 once. It was $1,600.

All right. And it would be worth murdering. Okay. That is a lot of money. I will say. It's a lot of money. And that guy was 1 million percent in the fucking wrong. I mean, it was egregious how fucking she knows a scam.

He had security cameras in the apartment and he would like call you if you broke one of these like draconian house rules. Like I touched some, some Chinese ladies floor mat and he fucking like, I'm getting phone calls at two o'clock in the morning. I can't believe you lived in a home with. I just needed, I got, I had a job and I had to get an Airbnb. I went to LA for this job. They called me last minute.

Sure. I had three days to move the Los Angeles and it was before I was making money. So they're like, congrats, you're right on the show. Now, the first paycheck comes in, you're good, but like, you know, I did nothing. So I went out to LA and then I crashed on my friend's couch and he's ruined my sky. But I guess no one, like he had another friend that had stayed on the couch the week before. So I sleep on the couch one night and then I'm at work the first day and I have like what I think is a spider bite on my hand.

Oh, he's got pet bugs. And then the couch is infested in fucking bed bugs. So three days later, I'm like covered in him. He's panicking. I feel bad. I'm having to like fucking put all my shit in a bag and put it in the dryer for two hours every morning before work. I'm like, I got to find a place and I find this place on Craigslist.

The money kind of makes sense. It's like kind of in an area or whatever that, that makes sense. And I go there and as I'm like, he has a rental agreement, the room looks fine, but as like I'm signing it, he's like, oh, and this, oh, and this, oh, and I'm like, I'm like, man, he's like, well, I got, I got to rent this to somebody else. So it's not. And then it's like, do I, now am I, what am I going to go to subject myself to bed bugs again for the night?

I mean, I'm a hotel man. I didn't have the money for it. I mean, well, you're paying for the Airbnb, right? Yeah. But it was, it was like, I didn't have the money to then go out that night, find the fucking $200 to 50, however much it was in Los Angeles for the night. That's like another like out of the pocket thing, when I'm going to have to pay rent for a full month.

And you got, you got finessed by this Korean man. Well, I was in a shitty situation. I know he shook you down. Yeah. I was fucked. I was fucked. He could tell. He saw you're on the end of your rope and they stuck his fucking prick.

That's why, that's why I took, I took a little cruise by the house and I thought maybe. And all he did was take a cruise folks. Yeah. That's what happened. Anything else. That's the thing. If a Korean guy was dead, how would anyone even know that it was the one we're talking about?

So wait. So, so the cops are like, this could be any bug. This could be the guy from Paris. He has a wallet with an ID in there and they're like, what are we supposed to do? Put this shit up. But this is Gook Squad. LAPD Gook Squad. It's the 40s.

That's what it would have been called back then. They're in this universe. It's nothing. Well, this cop was recently thought out of ice. Yes. He was speaking, he's speaking in good movies. Yeah. Fucking seashells, man.

Yeah. Now that's what this wasn't there a movie called Gook Squad that came out a couple of years ago. I'm sure there was. Yeah, with Josh Brolin, where they would like CGI their faces. No, with, with it, you're thinking of, you're thinking of the movie I was just talking about. The Soldado. No, that one sucked, by the way, the second one.

I'm pretty sure it was called Gook Squad. No, it was called Cloud Atlas. It was. It was weird, man. It was called Cushydreams.com. Cushydreams.com. Yes, it's a place and it's about high quality CBD locally fucking grown and shit. And yeah, they got a lot of different fucking textures and blends of Indica and Sativas.

You smoke your seat. Get off your phone. I was just trying to see if Gook Squad was a movie, but certainly not. I feel like I mean, it's like one thing to like, not contribute bits, but then to like take a suggestion like, was Gook Squad a movie seriously? No, I wanted to, I thought it was like you're, you misremember the name. Of course there wasn't a movie called Gook Squad. What?

No, you said it on the comedy podcast. We do. No, you said it like you thought it was real 99% of the things that are so don't do this contribute nothing bullshit again because you thought Gook Squad was a movie. Yes, you did. You're starring Josh Brolin, yeah, I feel like I'm over my friend's place for dinner and mommy and daddy just got in a fight. Yeah, well, and I'm the daddy.

I know. I'm trying to figure that one out. The daddy is gay. Yeah, I'm the gay daddy and this is my beard, Nick, that's why she's got a giant beard. That's right. Mm hmm. The bearded lady. I make her wear it.

You want to do the ad read now? You're going to help out with that or? Yeah, okay. Say something. Why don't you say something about the fucking company? Because your dreams changed my fucking life. Me too, brother. Me fucking too.

I was going through a really rough time. I was down on Skid Row. I was trying to, I was doing anything for money. He was sucking cock for stuff that for CBD brands. Sending his tent up and some old black guy comes up to me and he's like, look, man, you too gay to be homeless. We got a whole vibe down here, we got a style going on and you just, you fucking the whole thing up, man, making Skid Row look bad.

You ruining the whole aesthetic of Skid Row. You didn't even go to No Vietnam. Walking around in a wet suit telling everybody, you can't wait to hit the suds or whatever, dumb shit. What are you talking about? Surfing right now? That's not gay. It is gay.

No, it's not gay. It's gay. Lifting weights is gay. Oh, damn. Surfing's cool. Oh, yeah. Lifting weights. Guys, it's both gay.

They're both things you like to do are gay. Not true. Now, what's not gay or maybe it is if you're gay is cushy dreams. Yeah. They specialize. I've had some pretty gay cushy dreams. It's good. Yeah.

Have you fucked with this CBD oil? It's not oil. It's high quality. Are we talking about marijuana? So we got tinctures and stuff. High quality. No, no, it's flower. No, none of that bullshit.

CBD. No one wants that. CBD oil is fake. It's fake. No, I suppose CBD. Yeah. I got busted by the cops. I got a bunch of weed confiscated a couple last week because they didn't believe that

it was... I was driving it back from Denver. Oh, you literally, yeah. That wouldn't happen if you were smoking high quality CBD fish and dreams. Well, it would have happened because it looks so much... Because it looks like it smells and it tastes. They can't do a roadside test. Well, when they ship it to you, it does come with a letter you're supposed to give to the

cops if they take it or something. Really? Well, it says something. Maybe it's for the post office, but they're like, this isn't weed. I know it looks like weed. You gotta prove that. They took my... But it's like, you should just save that letter and use that letter.

Totally. That's all it takes is a permission slip from the drug dealer. I know this looks like cocaine, but it's actually fucking baby aspirin. But this is... This is CBD flower you can get in New York. It's beautiful. It's not just New York. Can you get it shipped in all 50 states?

All 50 states. That's Hawaii, Alaska too. I'm ordering the manscaping kit. That's right. Thank you. You guys... Are you guys still sponsored by Ridge? Shut the...

No. What we need to worry about for right now for the next five minutes or so is cushy dreams. We are technically sponsored. Are we? Yeah. They're in the family. Nobody has a wallet anymore. This just changed my life.

Oh, did you just get it? Okay. You gave it to me. Oh, right. What he's talking about... What he's talking about... Hold on. I gave that to you, and then I gave one of them to my...

I gave my cousins for their birthdays, like Ridge wallets. No, you gave them cushy dreams. I gave them pre-rolls. I gave them Ridge wallets for their birthdays, and then one of them I just gave... The box was empty because I forgot. I forgot I had given it to you when I saved the box, and he was like, what the fuck is this in my... Oh, my bad.

Well, you can make... I used to have a big-ass fat Costanza wallet. Yeah. And now I feel like... Well, anyways... You can make up for it by giving your cousins CBD. Smoked by cushy dreams CBD. It looks like high quality marijuana, feels like high quality marijuana.

I love the taste of it. And it tastes like high quality marijuana, but it's actually CBD. The content is up to 20%, which is the highest in the game. The attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower. Oh, yeah. Gorgeous. So if you're one of these retards that likes looking at their weed and talking about it, it's good for that too.

It is good for that. It looks gorgeous. The crystal... I just like it here to be sold. It looks like a woman's pussy. The hairs, the crystals, phenomenal. And I'm correct. You said that they have endocrine, so it's either strains of the CBD.

And they got gay names like Relax or Creator, Peace or Hustle. Which are the things that I do throughout my day. It's very Gainesian. They do not get you high. There's no THC. Independent lab testing shows compliance. I don't need the sentence does not get me high. It gets you nice though.

It gets you nice. It has an effect. High is relative. It makes you feel amazing. It's grown in California and Oregon, the weed states. And their plant is hand selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower. I feel like red states should steal weed from California and Oregon. And then they got everything.

That would be cool. Each batch is slow cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserved flavor in cannabinoids. I got to say all this shit with a fucking canker sore. Should have smoked some cushy dreams. Yeah, that would have sold it. I smoke cushy dreams and I blow it into my dick hole and my dick gets hard. I just have constant canker sore.

Yeah. Why? I have no idea. No, I don't know. Are you eating? I am eating, yeah. I used to get that high school. You know what it might be?

It might be that I'm just fucking drinking. I'm up to probably 15 cups of coffee a day. That's so bad for you, dude. No, I don't think it is. For your stomach. It's really bad. I don't care. Absolutely is.

You know what's bad, Adam? Unchecked racism. Not understanding the time and the place and the subtle nuances of employing racial slurs. So that you can dance in the moonlight and navigate beautifully the rich tapestry of American racism and the proper ways to satirize it on the razor's edge of whatever the fuck. That's true. It's a great comedic effect. It's a great comedic effect.

I agree. And it's not just blasting an n-bomb. Come on. Which nobody did, by the way. Which nobody did. Which nobody did. It sounded like it. Adam, no one did.

My address sounded like it. The vulnerability. The vulnerability. Let's just get you to read because we'll get into discussion. No, I don't want to get into a discussion. Let's finish the read, please. Selection includes indoor exotic strains, 100% hand trim, never machine trim. Never.

Never. So, okay, so this is the confusing part. They got two main product lines, the flower and the joints, the pre-rolls. The pre-rolls. I love the pre-rolls. Each pre-roll is a full gram, smooth rolls, optimal burn. They are nice. They're really nice.

No fun paying someone else to do your labor for you. I fuck with them. And they're all either sativas, indicates, or hybrids. I burn them up. I love the hustle. The hustle gets me going. Yeah. And I've been smoking, I smoke a pre-roll while I watch NBA basketball and that's my fucking,

that's the way I wind down. Smokable flower. That's the best thing right now. It comes in three lines, the private reserve, ultra premium and premium. Mm-hmm. Every can is an eighth and each can is nitrogen sealed, optimal freshener. Oh, yeah. Shits come out fresher than they might be.

They got NOS. Is there a promo code? Did I miss that? The promo code is COMTOWN for 20% off your first order. You go to cushydreams.com, K-U-S-H-Y DREAMS. All right. And smoke your CBD because you can. Because you can.

Now, here's what's up. No, all right. Let's just move right on. We are moving on, but I'm telling you that theoretically. Theoretically. Is saying the N-word, you don't want that on record. But just the acknowledgement that you have said the N-word at some time in the past, everyone would cop to that.

Correct. Almost everyone would say yes, of course. That's on stage. Of course. With the exception of women, I don't think women would. No, I don't think women would. Women don't. I was dating a girl and she was like, you know, I was like, come on.

You said the N-word. And she's like, no, I've never said the N-word once in my life. And I thought about it. I'm like, damn, that's probably true. Whereas for me, it's something as simple as pissing, standing up. Of course. You know, or getting your dick hard. It's kind of like they got used by one.

When I was in the science class, I had to read out loud. And I said, orgasm instead of organism. And I was given detention because she thought I did it on purpose. Don't try to turn it into a cute story. No, it's not a cute story. Discussing your crime. Well, no one did anything. There's no crime.

There was no crime. Nobody did a crime, that's for sure. It'd be funny if in 10 years it is a crime and we don't have any principle of, what is it, like ex post facto or whatever it is anymore. I mean, that's a way we're going. Yeah. That is true. And there's people going to jail for having used the N-word on podcasts.

Yeah, well. Lewis is in the maximum security. Oh yeah. Lewis is. That'd be great. I would love it to be in a P-O-W camp. It's me, Arish, fear, Shane Gillis, Lewis Gomez. We're all in ourselves passing notes back and forth.

I'm visiting. I'm at visitor's arrows because I never put it on record. The whole time Lewis is like, I'm going to get out of here. I know it. I can see it. I have a five year plan, but I'm the one that's going to get out of here. He's like Steve McQueen in the greatest game. He's like, you don't believe me, but just watch.

I'm going to get out of here. I'm setting you boys. I'm setting you boys Slim Jim's. Lewis does escape somehow. And we're like, shut up, Lewis. Just because you shut up, dude. Yeah. Anyway, now that we all can all admit that nobody said the N-word on this podcast.

We don't even have to say that the second part. I feel like it's not going to work. It's getting beeped in that. We're not cutting out. It'll be funny to cut out. Can I say something? It'll be funny to cut out like a minute since we've talked about so much how we're not cutting it out.

It would be funny because there's a copy in the middle. No, there wasn't copy in the middle. There wasn't for like a good minute afterwards. There was, I timed it. It was two and a half minutes. Trust me. It'll be funny because now, because the more we cut, the more it makes it seem like Adam was saying racist stuff.

So I'm actually four cutting like two minutes. Whatever. I don't give a shit. You guys can figure it out with the audio guy. I'm going home. I'm making some tea and I'm watching a movie. Are you going to follow the rules when you make your tea? Absolutely.

The rule number one, do not say the N-word on the podcast with a hard R in the middle of an ad read. No one said it with a hard R. No one said it. Or naming the rules. I'm telling you what I do. The rules to the tea. When I'm drinking tea.

Why are you getting angry? Jesus. This has nothing to do with you. If you don't like it, don't drink tea, Adam. I know. I got to make everything about me all the time. I'm sorry, dude. Yeah.

What's the second rule? You're allowed to say the G-slash. Dude, I love G-slash. That's cool. G-slash sounds better than the actual thing. It's funny. Once I say the letter slur once, it becomes much harder to go back and say the actual thing.

Say B-slur a bunch and then go back to saying bitch. No, that one will forever slide off my B-slur. Say what? I called my mother a B-slur. I called my mom a damn bitch. Say this. Say repeat after me. Repeat after me.

Sandra Bland is a... No, that's different. Why is it different? Because she was murdered by the police. Yeah. If my mom was murdered by the police, I would be less cavalier. Now can you see somebody having that opinion of her? In her life.

I suppose. And what would they think of her? That she's a what? Well, I can't speak to that. You can't say... Why? You're doing one of your traps right now. It's not one of my traps.

It's a rhetorical trap. It's not a trap. I'm just saying there's a context in which you'd be uncomfortable saying the B-slur. But it's about the specific person. No, it's because we introduced B-slur. No. Yes. I rest my case.

You're a little ass dick bitch. No, we're talking about... Would you say that about Sandra Bland? No, I wouldn't say it about a woman who was murdered by the cops. Or someone that you... Little ass dick B-slur. Little ass dick bitch. Bitch.

Bitch still will... I mean, look. How about bitch-slur? I like that. Bitch-slur is awesome. Yeah. Bitch-slur. He called my wife the bitch-slur.

That's just my ex-wife after midnight. Yeah. She's a fucking mog-wife. I tell you, I tried to... Like bagel boss... Vinnie was trying to get bagel boss on the show. Yeah, I remember that. We should get him on now.

Yeah. That would be good. Two years later. I offered bagel boss like a free t-shirt just to wear on Instagram. And like, I guess he had a manager that called me. And he's like, you know, probably cost some money, you know, to have him wear the shirt. And I was like, all right, have a nice day. Yeah.

It's like, I can't imagine managing bagel boss thinking that it's like, yeah, this guy, this is staying power. Yeah. Dude. I mean... This is something that's going to be... Also, how much... Theoretically, someone's like, yeah, okay.

Yeah. What $30? Yeah. Like... What? You can go on Cameo right now and pay $6 to get Daniel Day Lewis to say... To say happy birthday to your dog. Yeah.

But we're going to need thousands of dollars to get... For the fucking bagel boss. Cameo is so fine. You get bombarded with emails by them. So many emails. Yeah. I'm doing that shit. Tim Dillon finally told him to fuck off.

It's weird seeing like there are rich people that are on it. It's insane. What does Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank need more money for? Attention. Attention from who? Wishing someone a happy birthday? Dude, right now the industry is shut down. All of these celebrities that just start to live on ego need anything.

But are people really like that, though? The majority. Oh, yeah. They are. No, there are a few cool ones. Why do you think Ryan Reynolds dropping in on the X-Men call? They just need their faces out. I don't know what that is.

What is that? No, but it's just like... Yeah. I can't forget anything. No, no. I hear you. But like, you know, like just all the imagined videos, everything that everyone's been doing. You see actors are just...

Well, the imagined videos, yes. But I mean, I can't imagine that like fucking... Who's probably like... Who's the biggest star on Cameo? The rock. Oh, no. I don't know. I don't know who's on Cameo.

I bet you there's famous motherfuckers on Cameo. I'm here on Cameo just because I can't go 15 minutes without saying happy birthday. The rock just bought the XFL. I saw that. How about the sex FL? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. And you get pussy from the cheerleaders.

You got to put the ball in your pussy. Okay. It feels like a lot of Vine stars would be on Cameo. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. It feels like a natural progression. They're all in their mid-20s. They got to be getting to, oops, what did I do?

Age. Oh, yeah. If they have some money, they can just figure that out. No, but they don't. There's no way any of them have any of the money. You see, there was a raid on the Logan Paul mansion. There was. Yeah.

What do you do? He had mad guns and shit. Really? That's awesome. Rod Blagojevich is on Cameo. That's pretty cool. Gilbert Groddfried. Chip Chipperson.

You can see Jim Norton do his character. That's good. That's pretty cool. If I could get, like, Givon or ABC to read something, I would probably do that. To put him in a movie without him knowing. Happy birthday. It's your birthday. That's just fucking perfect.

Your birthday. He does them all as a retarded guy. Yes, sir. Damn. None of these people seem too famous. I feel like. I feel like they can't. The soup Nazi.

Hell yeah, dude. Mark McGrath. Hilarious. I'm going to pay the soup Nazi $200. No soup for you. No soup for you. Hey, no soup for you, Mike. Happy birthday.

I'm using my Corona money to make the soup Nazi say no soup for you to my friend for his birthday. Penjalit. Okay, you can ask him about atheism. I have some, like, role players on sitcoms. Billy Zane. He's a cool guy. Terry Francona, who's currently an MLB manager.

He's just so goddamn funny. Cameo has an ending called celebrating black excellence. And it's Damon John and Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis killed someone. Murderers. Oh my God. That is too funny. Damon John.

Exactly. Shouldn't he be rich enough to not be on cameo? Well, I feel like your t-shirt company is going to turn it. You're the next Damon John. Yeah. With the t-shirt sales. Oh yeah. He came up with t-shirts, right?

Yeah. Cameo apparently. Adam's t-shirt company, FNBN. FNBJ. Caitlyn Jenner's $2,500. FNBJ. FNBJ clothes. That's actually Fubu, I think, was owned by a Jew.

They bought it from the original. From the original, like, black guys that started it. It's just a clothing company called FNBJ. No one knows what it stands for. No, it's just random letters. Yeah. That's good for me, folks. Yeah, pretty good.

Dick Van Dyke, $500. That's how much he costs? Yeah. Dude, he's so old. He's like a hundred. He makes me feel like I'm dying when I see him. He endures Bernie. He was in that new Mary Poppins thing?

Are you guys Bernie? Yeah, we're not Bernie brothers. I mean, it was a Bernie podcast. I've just been to talk to him currently. Yeah, I mean, who gives a shit about Bernie Sanders? Well, now it's all about figuring out how you can store a bunch of guns in your house before you get raided. Oh, damn.

April and Fillmore are on it together. Oh, for real? Yeah. Pretty cool. That is tight. Dan Marino for only $3,500. Damn. Whoa.

He's got a fucking earthworm gym now. Yeah, he looks like shit. He's got a classic neck pussy type situation. Hey, Kimberly, this is Ben. Penn and Teller. Big guy is magic. Smaller guy next to me. He does magic, too, but he doesn't talk that much anyway.

Dude, his teeth are fucked up. This is crazy. Look at Penn Gillette's teeth. They've got shit all of them. Because he eats poop. That's a libertarian thing. He's entirely self-sufficient. I am a 100% libertarian self-sufficient machine.

I absorb solar energy and I eat my own shit. I bathe in my own piss. Dude, some of these people are mad cheap. You can get Cedric for $150. Who's Cedric? The entertainer. Oh, the entertainer? The legendary Cedric the entertainer.

What? Attention. You can get that guy Darren Rovel from ESPN for $35. Oh, hell yeah. Breaking news. My dick is small. The business guy. He's the business expert on ESPN.

But he needs $35. He should be fired. This is funny. I don't understand why you would. Like, let's say I wanted to make money off this, right? Sure. Why wouldn't I just set up an email address, have people and then just paint Venmo me? Because it's a platform that makes it more reachable for you.

It's like, why would you raise your campaign money to act blue? Because it's going to get more access. Yeah, but it's not like I'm going to be bombarded by people that fucking want Cambio. It'd be one thing if I got a thousand motherfuckers begging for me to fucking do it. You should just get on Cambio, dude. No, I'm not getting on Cambio. It increases your reach. That's all.

So, yes, you could do an email list, but like. I'm saying I'm not. I don't want to do. I just don't understand why motherfuckers do Cambio. It's because it's a platform. Like you said, it's a platform that already exists. Damn, Chevy Chase, $500. It's like getting paid to take a selfie.

I guess that's true. It's the same reason. It's the same reason to be on Patreon. It's like it's a platform. No one really gives a fuck. Meredith from the office is probably dying of some illness she can't afford. She goes on. She goes on.

You're right. You just signed up. Damn. Yeah. Dude, we should all pitch in to get Caitlyn Jennifer Nick. $2,500. I already said that, but nobody listens. Oh, I didn't hear you.

You know what? Somebody listens and he keeps all the ideas in his head and then spits them out like there is. Okay. Caitlyn here. What's up, guys? Hey, girlfriend. Hey.

Hey, girlfriends. Happy birthday to Stavros. I loved it when Donald Trump said trans people can't use the other bathroom. She's like, Donald, just a trans girl here. I'm going to use the bathroom in Trump Tower. It was pretty cool. Really showed him. Yeah, she showed him.

Really showed that motherfucker. Here to use the bathroom. It's so funny. The world sucks so much that there was like a huge storm yesterday in the Midwest and I was just watching like tornadoes destroy property and like places get fucked up in Chicago by strong winds and it felt like good news. Right? Because it's nature.

I could watch just a wildfire kill hundreds of thousands of people and be like, oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. We're not doing it to ourselves. Right. Yeah. By how fucked up the regular 90s to care about them.

Yeah. Yeah. I watched Twister. Yeah. Be careful. Say the word 90s. Yeah. Yeah.

VH1. I love the 90s. That was a good program, man. I spent a lot of time watching that type of shit. Yeah. I remember. I remember because I didn't have cable. But I would like just be sort of aware of these things and I remember being in a friend's

house and seeing that they were up to I love the 90s and I'm like, wow, what's next? Yeah. They literally did. I love the 2000s. Yeah. It was like 2007. It would become true TV. Yeah.

Yeah. Basically. Dude. They should do like I love the 1930s in Germany. And it's how sparks being like finally we're getting some answers. Who caused all this economic devastation? I think we all know. People at the time were just walking around and no one bothered to even question what

FNBJ stood for. Oh, they had it in the 30s. They had it in the 30s. They had it in the 30s. Oh, fuck, dude. My life. I love the 90s for Nuremberg by, you know, somebody else by somebody in another company. The company of, you know, whatever, I think I got it.

I think I know. I think I can read between the lines on this one. Well, Dylan, you want to tell us about. Yeah, the movie. Let's get that plug. Yeah. Killer Reckons 2 Dark Christmas in the Dark. It's available everywhere.

Amazon, YouTube, Google Play, Voodoo, all those things on demand. It's also in some theaters kind of right now, spare style, and then they'll be coming out throughout the fall. But it's a number one comedy in America right now. It's got a great, huge, huge cast of fun people like James Addome and Nick Turner, Nick Spatterot, Ron Lynch is a great role. We got Ron Jeremy in the movie. Oh, yeah.

Before you raped. Before. Yeah. Well, yeah. Actually, it's a big, it's a big way of retention. You got Chris Delia in the movie. Ryan Cowan. Chris Delia was available, but we, we went with Ron Jeremy.

And so the, but the day we, the day we wrapped Ron Jeremy, he was on the, as soon as we wrapped you, somebody in another comic that was on set, it's like, Hey, look at TMZ. And it's allegations against allegations against Ron Jeremy. So we had people ask to have their names removed from the movie. That's so funny. I mean, you really can't work with anybody anymore. They donated their checks to rain. It's always the next day you think a guy's school and then boom, they're just saying

something and during a meal, people ask us to reshoot the movie. Yeah. Yeah. That happens a lot in this industry where people ask you to do something completely just. Yeah, it wouldn't be considered a half year. All this extra work when it's like, why don't you just remove the rapes? Someone's doing it.

Why don't you just be paying them to do it? You just beat the, you just beat the rape scene out. Yeah. I shouldn't have said the rape scene. You're watching a movie. But it's still like all the images. Sounds nice, but yeah, it's a, it's a fun, it's like a, it's a, like an airplane loaded weapon naked gun type movie doing temple action sequels from the nineties, mainly shot for

shot under siege two, but yeah, it's just loaded with jokes. It's the one on a train. It's on a train. Yeah. And it's almost the same movie, but it's just filled with like, we make fun of how ridiculously, you know, like shoving a sticky and port non woke for nineties are while also sort of like attacking low culture. I wish I could enjoy something as much as an adult as I enjoyed wrongfully accused when

I was a kid. It was so funny. Dude, I fucking yeah. That's a great movie. The train. Yeah. The train is so funny. The train gag was hilarious.

When the train looks around the tree. Yeah. Nothing will make me laugh that hard. I don't know. Leslie Nielsen was like my favorite comedian as a kid. So that's and Travis Travis Irvine directed and wrote this and edited, put his heart and soul in it for like three years. That's not Travis.

It's a weird way that like things kind of because I mean, I've known Travis 15 years. Yeah. He was a DC guy. Yeah. And it's just like these people because he's not in, I mean, where is he in New York or you know, you know him from Ohio, we're both from Columbus. Yeah. And we, uh, we, he had been to DC and LA when I moved to New York in 2011, yeah, he moved

with me. Oh yeah. And like we've, we ran shows, like we had book shows around the city, me, him and Dean Micello. I don't know if you've ever met him. He's a good guy. I'm not Travis. Um, but we, uh, so we always work together.

And then I, when I moved into production, Travis had the script and was like, I've got like 30 K. Can you make this happen? Like is this possible? That's awesome. And so we like, I was like, fuck it. I'd rather be doing this than, you know, even, even just to learn how to go through the process of making a movie. Yeah.

Cause I do like million dollar shoots that are week long in New York, but I've never like that, you know, that whole process, starting a business, running through the whole thing is a great learning experience, a sense of accomplishment, like all, all that like changed my life. I'll be making movies for the rest of my life. Hands down because of this, because of this movie. And it's, and like, and Travis just loaded it with jokes because we took it on tour after the last time I was here.

I had to watch it 20 times in the theater. It was like, by the end of the tour, my, the only part of my day I enjoyed was rewatching the movie. Cause it was just like whiskey and chicken fingers. I did like 20,000 miles and in like a 19 days, driving around, it was, it was, it would, it would, but it sold out. We had a couple of like near sold out shows. The night Star Wars opened.

We were like 90% sold out. Damn. Now I went chicken wingers. Chicken wingers. No. Someone almost had himself a little Adam moment. Chicken wingers. I know.

I'm just saying it was, it was similar. No. To what? Say chicken wingers. Chicken wings, chicken fingers. All right. We don't have to. Chicken wingers should exist.

Boneless chicken wings. They're still shaped. The fucking. Yeah. Adam. Tell Adam to bleep this out. So that it sounds like he said it. Dip him in.

Dip him in. Adam needs to print. No. See, I was going to do that anyways to save you, my friend. And now you've had to blow the lid off the whole thing. My carefully, my carefully planned moment. I thought, how can I publicly say friend like that? It means the world to me.

Well guess what now is being bleeped out, that we're in friend. That's a great idea. We should just make a fucking shitty. I'm not saying you're just a movie, but a shitty movie and take it on tour. That way we don't have to perform. That's what's the worst part about going on tour doing a live podcast. I should pay somebody to just go through and bleep out every time I've complimented Adam.

We should, we should rip the episodes up and put them back in. But you're right, stop touring with movies is going to be a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Like independent movies. It's a way to, it's a way to tour with them. If you can build up some sort of, it's, it's super fun because in 10, 15 years, there's got to be some kind of like ad hoc, like a distribution network that completely, probably

something they're all in the works right now. Yeah. I don't know if it would be blockchain or what. I have no idea how technology, where technology is at now, I'm too old to pay attention to it. But like eventually there's going to be a thing where the only thing you need funding for is production and distribution is just, there's, there's no money in distribution. Yeah, it's, it's, it's getting there, like, like the cost of our distribution is so low.

Yeah. And we made the movie for so low that we, we, it's almost like it's too cheap to fail. Yeah. If you will, but like that's the way they're, they're like, yeah, like this is our worst movie. You guys are going to make some money. Yeah. So I was like, okay, that, if you, if you go into with that, but like,

I'm trying to make a shitty movie. But that sounds awesome. But as far as like, and you, but you can distribute it and we're going to tour with it probably every Christmas, it's a Christmas movie. And so we'll probably, we'll use whatever it built up to, to, to spotch tours and, and do that every year. That's tight. And you can do like Q and A's and stuff like that.

And that's, that's all fun because you're, it's like doing a podcast after. Yeah. You know, it's also a Christmas movie. Actually. Whoa. For real? Yeah. Dude, it's my favorite.

I saw it. I saw it. Awesome. I saw a knitted sweater on Facebook that said so. That's awesome. Oh, tie heart? Yeah. Yeah.

That's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's about a guy flying across country to save his family. I've never, I've never heard that before. You know, you have heard before. Adam, please. The high quality. Adam, please stop sucking my dick.

Don't try and save it now. Thank you for listening, everyone. Go watch the movie. Please. Check out the movie. Especially if you're Mr. Raccoon's pussy getting adventure. Yeah. If you're Chinese-American living in America, watch the movie, recommend it to your family

back in China. Back in Wu. Yeah. And they will try and make sure the Goose Squad's in the third one. You can say that because those are Koreans, the Chinese and then Jisler. They don't have a necessarily like bad relationship, but they're definitely different people. Yes. I mean, that's true.

Well, the Chinese and the Koreans don't have the same thing as the Japanese and Koreans. Right. Everyone hates the Japanese, right? Well, the Japanese were very cruel to both people. Yeah. Because it's some WW2 type shit. Yes. It's really like the Jews of the East.

The Japanese know. Yeah. The Germans of the East. They had more actual power than the Jews. Well, they got bombs. State power. Germans of the Orient. The Germans of the Orient.

It's the Japanese. Yeah. Man, I can't wait for New Year's. But they actually got what's... I'm getting pumped for New Year's. That's unreal. We didn't even say that on the show, ever. No, we were just talking about it.

Off mic. A guy that's looking for New Year's. It's like not being in August and just being like, dude, I'm so excited for New Year's. I got it. All right. This is the movie. Listen. Go to Stavi.biz and buy a shirt and send a bunch of...

All of your box. Buy a shirt. What's the blockbuster shirt say? The blockbuster shirt. It's not a blockbuster shirt. Life only gets worse. It's a shirt that stands on its own. It's a blue and yellow shirt.

That's the thing. It looks like a torn ticket with any brand whatsoever. It's like so many levels of joke in that shirt. I love that shirt. It's just, you know, I spend... With all of my art, I spend time reflecting on pain. And then I allow my processes to sort of relate that to people through whatever feels instinctual. That's deep.

Thank you for sharing. And, you know, that's how you get like a t-shirt that has... Have people asked you to sell their stuff on your site? What... Oh, you mean like other sales channels? Other like other... The margins aren't good enough to do anything like that. Yeah.

Yeah. I would just be surprised. It seems like you have a great store. It's all right. But I mean the margins for shirts are not that good, especially if you want like stuff that's well done and then also like drop shipped. Sure. Yeah.

But yeah, check it out. Come back. Check it out. Stavi.biz. There's a new shirt. We got a new shirt. I heard people's complaints that I can't wear this or I'll get beat up with almost everything else I've made.

So this one's... I've had that problem. Yeah. I want... I'm like... I'm too much of a pothead to wear one of your weed ones. Yeah. So I'm just like...

I wear the... I have a specialty made Benoit one that's a tank top that I got made just for me. I was like... Yeah. I like the Benoit one. I was like... I've been searching for the right one. You dropped that.

I was like... I was going to buy it, but it wasn't for sale yet. I'll... I'll... Yeah. I don't know if they're... Didn't I... Didn't I send you...

Did you get a shirt before or not? No. You gave me a rich wallet. That was it. And it changed my life. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

All right. Well, can you... Can we see the movie on like iTunes or Amazon? iTunes. Amazon. Google. YouTube. Go buy the movie.

Adam, would you like to apologize? I would like to apologize to everyone I've let down. But I... For doing nothing wrong. For doing nothing wrong. Yeah. That nobody said any kind of slur. That there's absolutely no record of...

We would like to make it clear that what Adam did... All right, Nick. Is... No. Because this show is gross. Say it. Say it. And it's...

It's completely different than the Shane Gillis situation. And you know, I mean, the guys like Shane are just... Those are losers. Those guys are just racist losers. Racist losers. But when we do it... It's different. When we say the N-word on a podcast, it's different because, you know, we wrote on the

Rosie O'Donnell show, and we were the best part of the Voss roast. We're, of course, shitting on Judy Gold, who's a piece of shit. Enemy of the show, Judy Gold. We're going... We're going to use... We did expand the enemies list, the official enemies list. Look, if this show's not going to die naturally, it will die by way of the sword. I'm going...

I'm going... I'm taking shots on this show from the rest of the years. Let's kill it. Dead? Dead. I think they just... They got their own website now. I went on there after the last episode.

The first comment was like, isn't it amazing how you can just tell someone's fat from their voice? And I was just like, John... That was the top comment. And I was like, up in the episode. Oh, they called you fat. The first... Like, by far, the first comment was, isn't it amazing how you just tell somebody's fat

from their voice? And I was like, I'm not reading that. Well, you have a six pack actually, so they were wrong. Yeah. No, they can just... They can Google and see how fat I am. Yeah. You look great.

You look hot. You look hot. They think Stov weighs 142 pounds or... They think he's beautiful. I am beautiful. What if we just hired a model to be Stov publicly? Just for pants. And there were no ever live shows, but we just created this idea that Stov doesn't look

like this. Yeah, he loves it. I think that happens a lot. That'd be awesome. I would have some fucking privacy. You just get... Damn, it's so funny to fantasize about privacy. Yeah. I often fantasize.

No, because it is truly now just like an absurd luxury. I know. That you... I... Because of to what extent you have to be public to make enough money to have privacy anymore, the only people that can have true privacy are people that come from generational wealth. Absolutely.

My goal, I've always said, is that I can't wait until I'm successful enough to go back to a flip phone. Yeah. Yeah. That's my benchmark, that's where I'm striving to get to, where I'm like, never... You can call me, text me, maybe with... Oh, fuck! Well, my goal is to get fappening so I can set the record straight on the length of my

testicles. The little... Is there... Is there debate? They're little and they're heavy. Stov has said that they're small and long, and it's not true. It's true. Mine are uneven.

It's not true. I think these people have one longer. One ball usually hangs. The left one usually hangs lower. My tube got tied to knot. All right. Really? Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yeah. Testicular torsion, folks. Oh, yeah. They have no friend of mine. The silent killer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's true.

All right, folks. Bye. All right, folks. This is my big Excel episode. Love you. Thank you very much for watching. Thank you.