The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 225 – just the two of us

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

we can make it if we try

All right, let's get right into it. This is uh Jesus Christ can you close the door to the bathroom? No, it's not The cat definitely smells worse than that, but that is not the cat You can blame we're back in The dojo aka the no pussy getting zone aka My apartment

200 hard street apartment to Brooklyn, New York If you want to send letters, please stop sending weapons to me people have been sending me in the mail Yeah, somebody sent me a sword with throwing knives, and then I got brass knuckles That's pretty cool the chain mail. I appreciate it, but I really don't I don't need a That's more of an armor than a weapon. I know it's different Yeah, if you wanted to send me an entire full authentic samurai suit that belongs in a museum Yeah, go for it and it has to be stolen from a museum. Of course. Yes. Yeah

Do you see the med is back open? We can go now for stealing for stealing. Yeah It'd be funny if the with the museums were looted during the black lives matter protests That they like all the yeah, they left all the jewish-owned businesses alone But they were like the protesters like I don't know it didn't say black lives matter in the window. So we had to destroy The natural history museum We had to kill all the giant spiders Yeah, we had to steal those suits of armor with the cod pieces that look like Erections. I like to imagine the giant spiders in the natural history museum are in jail and they know that they're in jail

Yeah, more so than a zoo and specifically those spiders are like, oh Got too big done fucked up I knew it I told Lamar I said we man were spiders now. I got to go to the museum man We can't be fucking around getting i'm the size of a dog How you get a chihuahua About as big as me People gonna find out they're gonna throw my they're gonna throw my tarantula ass in jail

That's right. That's what happens when you fuck around and find out You know, I mean it's nice to be in the Cadillac of spiders, but You're gonna end up on the up west side. You're gonna end up on the upper west side in prison for being too large of a spider Which is uh, that character is an african-american spider a white man. That's just a A code switching that is a spider accent. Yes Yeah, it's a traditional spider accent. That's just what spiders sound like In my mind they always have That's why I don't like them. Is it a problem that I've got arachnophobia. Really? Do you? I do actually yeah

Yeah, I don't fuck with them. Yeah, I'm not really that I'm not that afraid of them. Now people are gonna mail me spiders They should actually Yeah, I have to I have to give out my address now because I'm I'm almost completely offline So you need people to DM you through the mail. Yeah, if you want to maintain a correspondence I've gotten letters from people where it's clear. They expect a reply. Somebody sent me like this Incredibly overwritten letter one time. What do you say? It's like at this juncture in life when my you know, like my dearest I mean while using like

It's very purple very, you know overwritten flowery. Yes. Oh god. Yeah to to your favorite podcast I know. Yeah, which that could have been a joke In which case ha ha ha. Yeah, hilarious. Um, kind of sad But maybe maybe not someone that deserves a ridicule. Stav is gone. Stav is gone. He quit the show He quit the show which you know props to him. I was wondering who was going to do it first Honestly, smart money was on me. Yeah No, no chance. No chance. You'll be doing this show by yourself as long as there is a dime going Coming out of that patreon. Well, that's it. That's us currency. Mm-hmm. That's that's that's good money right there. Yeah

Um, I can't wait for those days when it's just you when it's just me. Hey, it's coming up sooner rather than later Yeah, I think so we said numerous times. This was the last year of the show and uh It's uh Now this year is almost over. Yeah, it's been three years of us. I love that. Yeah, I mean so this is for real the last year of the show Just to for war to everyone. Mm-hmm till last year of anything Yeah, that's right 2020. What the hell? Yeah, it's gonna be cool when there's a civil war And there's like a bunch of people fighting in the streets and then there's like 30 percent of people are fighting the other 30 percent of people And then the remainder

Fucking was that 40 percent? They're just in home and they're like who cares Yeah, I don't even want to fuck. I don't even care. I feel like solidly in that In that uh, yeah, I don't know you guys handle it. I'm gonna just figure it out I'm gonna sit in here. I'll swear allegiance to whatever side. I'm drawing. So I'm doodling I'm gonna be doing a painting of a guy from a youtube video. Yeah, I'm doing origami so

I got a book I got a scholastic book on dollar dollar bill origami And I'm gonna be in here with all of my dead currency making bow ties making a little george washington bow ties And if you have a problem with that You can suck my I'm not answering the door. Yeah, I don't care if you're injured I'm taking another crack at the pie. I'll throw my my sword out of the window and you can You can have the sword. Yeah

So this is it. This is the new show. No more stave. Yeah, people have been writing into the show Corresponding with us through the usps saying that they don't want stave anymore a lot of the letters It seemed like they were different cut out letters from magazines to maintain that like a court Like keep up with like write letters back to people to fans. It comes out that I have like a mongoloids handwriting. Yeah We will find out that I have like You know, you know when kids would have handwriting so bad that it qualified them as being disabled Yeah, even if they were really smart. Yeah, and then and then they just like, you know, they had like a special corner of the room They had to sit in

Just a peek behind the curtain everyone I don't know if you you've imagined next handwriting, but he does have gay girl handwriting. I don't have gay guy regular girl handwriting He puts hearts over his eyes. No, it's very it's mostly jays in blood And the z's are backwards The s's are z's and it's it's a very psycho style of writing, but I do put hearts over the eyes I do a backwards r and tribute to corn. I do a heartogram over every eye And so people understand kind of a more jara style. Yeah

My my cky relic writing. It's like Cyrillic, but cky relic. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah That's cool That is that is western tradition. If it's anything it's cool. It's very cool if you had to describe it You would probably say that's one of the coolest things I've ever heard in my life um We're going here. Um, so yep seven minutes and 27 seconds into the episode. Well, no, I need to we got ads I know you got a countdown to that. I'm gonna count down folks We're counting down to the ad we got a really special one coming up

But we don't want to spoil yet. Yeah, so yeah, you have an enemy that you wanted to bring this Well, I I don't have it. I don't want to bring up what I was telling you before But I did make another enemy on the street classic Uh classic life of adam. Why don't you want you are you pulling back entirely? You just want to do more research before I need to do a little bit more research I listened to a couple of uh, do you want to do some of it on the show? Well, no, I just I've it's been high time for me to find a new enemy Well, it sounds like you have an enemy if you want to do the research on the show

You can explain it to me. I'll learn what's going on. Okay. I mean all I know basically is that I got a google alert. Hey, you know narcissists, right? I got a google alert I don't even know what google alerts are. You just put your name and then any time it's on the internet It like on a website or I remember when I got booked or emails. I was booked for south by the booker of south by was like Yeah, you must be getting a lot of google alerts popping up. I'm like are you out of your fucking I mean who would do that? Um, I think you know when you have a comedy career you put your name there I did set one up for funny moms as well and I just get uh listicles of hilarious moms You should follow on twitter. Interesting. Yeah

um Yeah, so there's a some some guy made a podcast that said adam frilo is bad at comedy And I didn't listen to it. I did look at a picture of him and it made me feel a lot better We're gonna listen to it on the show his podcast. Yeah, sure. Well, apparently he's got a You got it. There's a couple of topics at the top from the video patreon Uh, I don't think so let's steal some of their patreon episodes on our free show Um from what I can tell from twitter It seems to be come town is now a show where we pay people in exposure

By replaying their podcasts on our podcasts and then inserting advertisements Exactly for keeping them absolutely zero dollars women's underwear, but for guys That's a good idea for a company. Yeah startup. Yeah guys Guys bra bra guys. Yeah, like a thong, but it just says like Yeah, uh fucking not on my watch. Yes Nice try pal. Yeah Why don't you come say that to my ass cheeks? Yeah bra for a fat guy and it says, um said no one ever Yeah, yeah

Yeah, but for male breasts exactly Like tampons that you shove in your ass, but they look like a Darth Vader pez dispenser. That's cool, dude tampons for men Yeah, but tampons for fat men. Yeah, who can't stop taking and what is that for? He's like I have chronic diarrhea from my consumption of wow chips The whole extra I thought they were world of warcraft chips I thought they were world of warcraft themed chips Uh, I someone also told me recently that we are in world of warcraft. That's as far as I know about that but the three of us

Nick and sovereign adam apparently we are the main characters of world of warcraft now I said it before and I'll say it again. It's it's you can't maybe it is just the pandemic and all this Is destroyed the internet, but I can't imagine that it has I feel like if you're 19 20 years old and you're online right now. You're still enjoying it I don't know dude. I think well, maybe not enjoying it in the sense of like wow. I'm having a great time, but Getting people's address and sending them swords or threatening them That's like that's probably fun still I I some kind of in some way that's probably if you're a young man being

You know causing trouble Causing a ruckus on the internet is probably fun and I don't think it really can last I think I've aged out finally. I'm you're no longer a jester of like those zeros and ones I can't do it. You can't do it anymore. I'm too old. I think that's good for you, dude I like that look for you. It's like when a punk musician in middle age goes like Uh, like folk americana or just stops making music or stops making music and just leaves and just walks away Just walks away instead of being a punk musician He's just a guy that says things

You know just a guy that goes places. He doesn't even bother to Wear the punk clothes. Oh, no, he's just a guy that goes to the mall and he goes dude All this shit sucks and then people are like Like thanks for letting us know Ed and he's like I'm too old for this They're like old for what he's like saying stuff sucks. Yeah He's still trying to be like I'm sorry. Were you under the impression that we That that was a thing that you were doing and not just yeah, not just a general philosophy of uh You know everything sucks everything shit

Everybody sucks and you want to know why I'm going to justify ripping someone's head. Oh, yeah You know human contact and if you interact your life is on contract Your best bet is to stay wired motherfucker. It's just one of those days. It's all about that. He said she said bullshit What is what does that mean? It's like fred duris goes into he doesn't like the fictional the fictional version of fred duris goes into his job journeys that day and Somebody's like somebody said that you're gay and he's like yeah more the fucking he said she said bullshit

It's now I guess it's just one of those days all of these fucking gossips that Ed What does it zoom means journeys? Yeah, it's just one of those days dude that song ends with this the the main character getting beaten up By an indian family man outside of a dip in dots. Really? Yeah Is he a franchise owner of that dip in dots like back up mother fucker? And then the indian guy's like you can't talk to me that way. This is my place. Get the fucker get out Get out mother fucker He comes around the counter

And the guy's like what do some then the indian guy just beats just bit of like brutally beats his ass I do remember that from the end of that song. Yeah, it's just one of those days getting your shit pushed in by an indian guy It's just one of those days the dip in dots Um that never really panned out the ice cream of the future I thought it was pretty good when I worked it when I worked at various malls I would I would get dip in dots sometimes Uh-huh, and uh, it's disgusting. I had an idea for an ice cream and I went to an ice cream place this weekend They had it

I thought it'd be cool to do you do like a movie like uncut gems Okay, but it's about an indian guy that's been embezzling money out of his dip in dots franchises. Okay. Let's go and it's called double dip in dots And what's he using the money for gambling or to buy more dots for his wife That's right. You know, she's like She's like uh, she's like in front of her vanity mirror and she's got a whole selection of red dots Right that she can put on her head, but she needs more dots, you know, and then bitch And then, you know, but she's sitting there and she's like like a giant full sorry on right completely clothed And he's like I have made all of this for you. I've done suck. I've done so much for you

She's like this is made me aroused and he's like Let me see it all bitch And then she takes the dot off and he's like, oh my god. Yeah, but she's he starts rubbing his cock over the pants He just you know, well, we see his his pants Flutter like one of those guys outside of those inflatable guys outside of a car dealership As he just violently nuts in his pants so much so that air is coming out of his dick I like that. This is like pro monogamy. He loves his wife so much that she still makes him bust in his pants Yeah, that's why he's embezzling. Yeah

but really she's the true villain of the film because You know, he can never give her enough dots. Yeah, she needs more and more dots no matter how hard he works I want the latest dots I have to have this year's dots if I'm wearing fall dots in spring Mm-hmm, but but pran pranji jeep. How will they know the difference? It's all just red dots. That's true. It's all just red dots Yes Maybe I will go fuck the neighbor then I guess it's all just dicks god How much more does this man have to do for his wife and family?

She still makes him bust his pants Yeah, when we came to america it was supposed to be the ice cream of the future Yeah, he read in a fucking brochure Yeah, it never panned out. I like that the whole premise was that one day they were just going to be like no more ice cream This is it now. We've transitioned Dippin dots has been a market disruptor with every type of cuisine. You know what? Cronuts came out. They were like no more donuts. Shut down all the donuts stores. Big donuts going down. We were only like yeah We have a in our soviet planned economy of desserts

There's only room for one. Yep type of pastry and we'll manufacture 800 million of them and everyone will will Become malnourished off of a cronaut only and dipping dots only diet. It's not bad. Yeah Yep, this town certainly isn't big enough for more than one food. This town isn't big enough For the For just the two of us the will smith song. Yeah, that's yeah. How about that? What would that look like as a joke? This town this town ain't big enough. Yeah, that's just the two This town ain't big enough for just the two of us the will smith song if you're just joining us now We're starting the parody the parody song contest and we like to announce our winner

Billy Seagram edgewater, New Jersey for his his hilarious song this town ain't big enough for just the two of us The will smith song where he actually got will smith and jaden smith to dress up in fat suits Yes, and redo Just the two of us clumps style actually it was will smith's first son Which is a the one that he doesn't love. Yeah a technical inaccuracy Which actually de qual uh disqualifies Um Billy Seagram

You know, it's funny about that song is that it's a love song to your son. Yeah, you don't get a lot of those Well, it's it's very funny that they just the premise was violated almost as soon as he met jay to picket smith Yes, he's like not only am I going to have other children? I'm not only not only do I have you did like do is there a woman in my life Yes, there's no longer just the two of us now. It's three There's a woman and then me and her are going to have kids and the kids are going to be named after us Yeah, so that we we function as a complete unit and there's really no room for a quarry Your name is just carl or url or it's something like that. It's like colby

Colby smith yeah He's named after some sort of like manufactured cheese Whenever you cross my mind, I will think of you as a mistake. Yeah Yeah, I will think of you as before I was truly happy. Give me a second. I'll grab my coffee go for it Can you actually get me one too? I don't have any. Oh, you don't have pods. No, all right Um, so if you're just joining us guys, we are 19 minutes and 28 seconds into the episode Savos has quit the show Um, it's just me and nick now

Pretty soon. It's just couldn't be me So a little bit about what's been going on in my life and start day trading got robin hood app a fun way to Kill the show would be if we just did uh we got really into like, um Like if they televised like slot car races and we just did every week like doing like, you know Just calling slot car races and describing the competitors. Yeah, just completely blind with no video images No, I mean I'd get it up on the screen. Well, we'd watch that but the audience would have to hear us describing the slot cars Exactly. What are slot cars? They're like the long ones, right?

No, they're little cars that go on a track that's like a it plugs into the oh, okay I was thinking of those long cars that they drag race On espn too. No, those are uh, there's funny cars. Funny cars. Yeah, what's so funny about that? Um, that well, if you actually watch the races, they're hilarious. They're dragging minorities being that's where the term drag race comes from Um You would dress up as a woman and then drag a minority behind the car. It was all one thing Back in the day. It's it. Oh, it was it was transgender moonshiners that would drag Black men who moved into the town. Oh, so it was more than one type of drag like let's see how fast we can get this

There's this bootleg moonshine to the other side of the road while also committing a hate crime and being trans And uh, that's that's where the name comes from Well, I didn't know that but I mean, I guess it's at this point Tradition it's a proud american tradition. Yeah of hate-criming people with the funny cars That's what makes it so funny. If you're just joining us, uh Um, you're probably wearing underwear adam stopped wearing underwear because he's so prone to Shitting himself during the summer. Yeah, so I prefer just shitting on the jeans. Yeah We're we got a new sponsor here shit jeans shit jeans with the jeans you can shit. Uh-huh. Is that a diaper? No

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Unlike the assortment of department store brands that make up your top drawer mac welden's basics Have a consistent fit that you can count on And you can also Let your ass suck the underwear. Oh, yeah, I forgot about this. Yeah Uh The propulsive force of jeff's ass. Yeah I have my dick. It's hard so quickly that it often sucks my underwear into my ass

It doesn't make sense Uh modi proposed we do is we get the aliens horny and then we have sex with them Where did you find this man? God damn it. David. We don't have any more time for your horny bullshit president bill Uh president What's the what's the backstory there is he used to fuck the president's wife? No, he's a scientist for the president. Yeah, but he used to fuck the chief of staff. No, that's that's oh, yeah It's he's the ex-boyfriend of the chief of staff. That's right

Uh, monica There's aliens coming. I'm not gonna fuck you again, jeff No, this time I've discovered a code at the tv station I work at And I was wondering if I could barge into the oval office. Yeah, he really gets past security protocol very easily easily Yeah Um in the same way that maybe in israeli would I I do believe that he was my son and then he's a massage agent One stop shop for men's essentials sock shirts hoodies underwear as polo is an active shorts mac welden promises comfort in a consistent fit

Versatility, this is why is mac welden so awesome? This is great. This is the new copy. They sent me Yeah, and they put it all in a table for me to read and did it all up at excel Which is like this is This is somebody's two-column table. This is somebody's work from home. COVID job. Yep to put together to write copy for you For a racist podcast They're like, I just hope the economy can survive this thing. Oh, thank god. I still got a job. This shouldn't exist Yeah, none of this should exist. No underwear should not exist. Right. I mean, it's not even like how is this somebody's job? How is what I'm doing profitable?

No, I mean, this is even more ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense spreadsheets for ads. It makes no sense It makes zero sense But I tell you what the the underwear itself is worth it. That does make sense Yes, it does. There's something like a little code to get more like host underwear, but the kind of like is sold out What kind is that premium? No, the air knit kind Very light on the balls. Yeah um Well, my problem is that I always like

I always put my dick back in my pants a little too early and so I always have what do you mean too early? Well, I always have a little bit of urine. Oh, yeah, you don't do a second shake I yeah, well, it's not that I don't do a second shake and said I hang my dick over the top of my pants Uh-huh. And so that does that like straw action. Well, you don't unbutton your pants No, I pull my dick and hang it over the top of my pants. Okay, you you flopped down I flopped down and then I pissed but what that does is it puts pressure on my urethra So once the once the pit the piss force is done The entire length of my dick is filled with piss held in

From The waistband which is like, you know, when you put your you put your finger on the top of the straw in a drink And then you pull the straw up exactly has the water in it So the length of your penis is still filled with urine with with piss And then when I put my cock back in my pants, I pissed myself Yeah, and so I like a lighter kind of underwear because I I'm not going to learn how to piss correctly I'm going to continue pissing myself. No, and nor should you be expecting And I want it to like kind of dry off quick because they don't like having a damp feeling where I've pissed myself

You need a wicking technology. Yeah, and this is why Mack Weldon. They heard my complaints and they created shitty jeans Shitty shitty shitty jeans by Mack Weldon. Yes. Um, they also have the Mack the Weldon blue program Which is a totally free loyalty program. Um, unlike all those other loyalty programs that cost money Yeah, exactly. I go to Panera bread. I'm like, you know, I get a coffee and like is it you do anything where it's like, you know, I get A couple coffees for free a cup coffees. I get a cup one for free. Yeah, and Panera They said sure just why don't you just come with us in the back for a second and then there's like five Latino guys And they take turns beating the shit out of me. Yeah, but that's the price of the loyalty and they're like they're like But you family now essay. Yeah, you gotta you part of the Panera bread loyalty program

You were jumped in I'm like, well, I actually don't really want coffee anymore. They're like the only way out is in a box Oh Which is this free box of coffee that we're giving you is it the token of our esteem? That's true as a token of our esteem Um, yeah, I've paid $6,000 this year. Just signing up for the CVS rewards program. Yeah Totally free loyalty program level one gets you free shipping for life You know for life essay imagine that you're on your deathbed and your family's like Please they're begging the doctor. Please let us see him one last time. He's like, no, he insisted He just wants his laptop so you can order

Mack Weldon underwear until the minute he dies because he gets free shipping So he can reach level two by spending $200 Mack Weldon gives you 20% off every order for the next year Wow, imagine how how how often you're gonna piss holes in your pants because of your acidic for the entire year I actually I stopped drinking water because I read that cats don't actually need water What? Yeah, they extract enough liquid from their kills from like the blood of their kills from mice That they don't need water and I've been trying a similar thing. Yeah, just trying to live off the moisture and lucky charms Okay, and I now piss acid like a cat does which I think is ketosis

So so that you just it eats through underwear Oh, okay. You're your your piss is like a An acidic like a cat's toxic blend. Yeah, okay Mack Weldon wants you to be comfortable So if you don't like your first pair underwear, you can keep it and they'll still refund you. No questions asked Required points. They want you to talk about They want to they want me to talk about my experience When he talks about that you put your cock over there. Yeah, I pulled my dick out and

It rests on top of the underwear and and jeans. Yeah, they are nice underwear They they look like shit on me now because I've like with quarantine I now have the legs of a seven-year-old girl from 1942 Poland But that's what that's what chicks like dude. Do they they like the natural V shape in a man? It's not a V shape. They like a man with like, uh, like legs from someone that's been in a wheelchair for 10 years And like very strong shoulders. I mean that's the natural I used to just have like sort of a chimps proportions But my legs have gotten so atrophied now that it really looks like I mean, it looks like like if you lifted Like Robo cop in half and he just had like

Just it looks like intestines dangling from my torso. Yeah suspended, you know Like maybe like that skeleton boss from contra three I never played that game. That was super NES. I might be misremembering what he looks like. Uh-huh. That game's awesome It was really hard. I remember. Yeah, it's like a shooting game. It's hard, but only because like There's a lot going on but the enemies come at you the same exact way every single time So it's more of a process of like refining Like the same it's sort of like a kind of like a speed. It's like built for speed running Uh-huh. Well, I don't even know if you can speed run it because it's it's like you you have to just figure out like

The pattern of the game and the same pattern every time just slightly harder. No, it's not slightly harder It's just like as you get further through the game. It's it's it's more like memorizing like a list of uh-huh Yeah, that's what makes the game cool is because I've put I've played I've put contra three on in front of girls You know, I'm like check this out the video and then I just crush it And it looks very difficult and you look like you have like insane reactions Uh-huh, and they get wet and then you're like pretty cool Where hello gone. She's gone. She's fucking Don't they all leave dude the

Who's she fucking she's fucking the guy? Who's it the funny answer to that question? So macwelton.com The show's gotten good slash promo code come town 20. Well, that's what I'm saying. I got quick reaction times Yeah, you're like that's the power of a contra brain sniper style. Yeah, dude speaking of video games macwelton.com I got to get this out. Oh, yeah macwelton.com slash come town 20 for 20% off your first order and in a promo code promo code come town 20 20% off your first order

macwelton.com slash come town 20. I've almost forgotten to say the promo code and if I do that No money for us. No. No. No pussy. No pussy for nico pussy nico Um, the new normal uniform. What is this? Oh, they even more there's more macwelton. Yeah Say their shit. It'll take time off the show The new normal uniform is a lot of us searching the way this is formatted Oh, it's because you don't leave your house and you wear like pajamas. Yeah. Oh, that's so Fucking pathetic. All right, so you can read it. Here's a request for macwelton. How about some kind of tube? I can insert my penis into uh-huh that has a pulley system

And so when I go to piss I just I use like a truck horn thing Oh, that's cool. It pulls my pants down and lifts my penis up And then I just piss directly all over the back of the toilet seat and all over the wall So it's sort of like you're like a puppeteer for your own penis. Yes. Yeah It would be cool to pull strings and then make your penis do things I'm at that same girls house. I'm like, yeah, she's like, did you piss all over my bathroom? I'm like, yeah, but check this out. I've got a whole Yeah, puppet show. I'm jepeta. Yeah. Oh very cool

um Who was I gonna say? Oh, I just downloaded the remaster of tony hawks pro skater one and two On what? On ps4. Yeah And I got very excited and then I played For about 20 minutes and then I got really depressed. Yeah being like I've done really nothing with my life And now I'm just searching for nostalgia like those people that are like Looking at 90s kid memes. Yeah, it doesn't work. I think the answer honestly is you just

Have to start reading nonfiction. I'm I'm taking another crack at the power broker right now. Are you yeah? I'm gonna check this like 40 pages in and I 40 pages in but I skipped the introduction Which was 25 pages. So I've read approximately 15 pages. Yeah But you know I'm gonna do it this time Fellas I'll give you a full book report next episode Robert Moses was born in 1888

His mother never bothered to give him a middle name. That's pretty much all I got so far Cool. Nope Cool beans. Well, uh What's new with you? Oh, I had I had this drug dealer When I moved to new york who uh Every time I'd go like see him He'd be like a different race. He would like go away to jail for a long time like an x-man. Yeah He'd be like dominican one week. He'd be like, you know, filipino another week

and uh Over text when you would text him. It's one of the magneto x-men's the bad guys is a fedra She just turns into different races different race different stereotypes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was like that um But whenever you would text him to see if he was home, he would say uh cool beans That was his catchphrase. Yeah. Yeah There you go. Is it a catchphrase? I mean people say it. I don't know. It was his uh His signature I think how the fuck did that catch on cool beans?

It must have been like the biggest dick guy in the world that was saying that it's it's such a There was some guy named like like Like chaz And he was just like he was just so he's so cool He was so confident with it and fucking he'd be like, yeah, I'll pick you and your sister up at six And then we'll have sex before prom before I go get my actual date And then the girl's like, okay, and he's like cool beans

I guess we have to say that now I guess we all have to say cool beans so we could be like chaz Yeah, who has sex with who had sex with every girl in the school. Yeah Even the retarded ones, but that's just how cool he is. Yeah Yeah, I mean, of course, I don't want to have sex with retarded girls So he just ran out of girls to fuck but I have to get pussy. It's god's plan That's true. All right students. Welcome to muslim high school God's plan today is smath from eight to nine and

Recently we heard the chaz chaz cool beans uh Guster guisterman gusters. Yeah, gunder gunder gunder store. Yeah, he's He's norweeds. Yeah, he's kind of Scandinavian. Yeah. Yeah Gus cool beans master race This thunder guard. Yeah has had sex with every girl in the school. It's all to give a moment of silence For all the pussy that's been slayed in these halls. Yeah, he's just absolutely massive and maybe in his lamborghini cunt touch

The life vanity plate cunt touch on his lamborghini lamborghini outside in the school parking lot He drives lamborghini school and he's had sex very cool and he is now had sex with Mm-hmm the retarded girl. Yep. He yeah, we have to make a sacrifice at our school Stop saying all that on the announcements on the principal. I will do what I want The principal here at muslim high school Name that uh on september 11th 2001 Uh, uh coincidentally at 7 12 in the morning. They just happened to name moments before It used to be robert moses high school, but for what?

The legislation passed. Yep at 7 12 in the morning on 9 11 2001 and you know how local politics is it takes 35 years to regain school so long A local this is the bureaucracy back in the back in the old the old freewheeling anti-semitic fifties They found out robert moses was jewish. There was a rush to get expedited legislation passed changed the name robert moses high school To muslim high to muslim high school. They wanted to move as far away from jewish as possible. Yeah to the other To the other semitic the other side the other side of paradise The other side

Fuck I got nothing It's all right. I got nothing today. I'm not tired though. I don't know. I'm in a pretty good mood. I just did not not feeling particularly riff Riffable no, we're doing fine. I just the people at home. I'm just you know, I'm just a little uh, I'm just a little you know I'm fine. You know, I'm fine. Okay Yeah, you're cool, dude. Yeah, I'm all right. Yeah. Hey, my name is fine. My name is uh, my name is uh, Mikey the leukemia and I'm fine Mike

Yeah, how you doing? My name is Mikey leukemia and I'm I'm okay. I'm I'm good No, I said I could call for something. I'm okay. I'm fine. Yeah, Mikey leukemia Dude, I got scared of COVID for the first time Like in since it dropped last week Because someone told me that if you have it Like six months later, you can go bald Really? Yeah Interesting. Yeah, and that's based on what?

They said that men and women there have been reports that you go bald But reports from who because they were saying I remember they were like the tigers at the zoo have it Yeah, I remember they said that and it turns you Chinese. It does. Yeah. No, I heard that. I mean, I'm fine with everything I'm anemia. I already have that But I don't want to go bald, dude. I mean, I'll have nothing. We this is a well done I'll probably go bald anyways at some point So I would love it if COVID makes you go bald because then I'm you know, you just like oh, yeah Well, you know, I was first responder. Mm-hmm. I went into the towers. Yeah, you're a survivor

Well, that there was also towers during COVID. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that but the first place it was it was a freedom tower Yeah, that's true. Mm-hmm dude, it's you know I don't think you can get pussy off of COVID I don't think you can like impress the male nurses probably thought that was gonna happen That's why they're all pissed on the train. They're like, yeah, I thought, you know This is my entire life. I've been getting sunned by people for being a man nurse Now I'm gonna be a hero my chance. This is my chance to get pussy off of nurse. Yeah

But doctors still exist. Yeah, they completely forgot about doctors existing man. These fucking doctors getting all the pussy Yeah, I remember as a kid, you know, you're like nurses or girls and doctors or boys. They're like, no Doctors can also be women Nurses or girls are men. They get cocked by doctors. That's true Yeah male nurses like stray male nurses love to get like really jacked To be like, I'm not a that's true. They're all ripped. Yeah They love getting huge and getting like bad fucking like tattoos. Yeah a lot of like young male dentists also

Yeah, whenever if you have to wear scrubs Exactly you gotta have huge buys for whatever reason. Yeah to be like, I'm not I'm not some fucking faggot that wears pajamas for work pajamas Yes, right bananas and bananas and pajamas. That's a good rid. Mm-hmm. That's weird. What a weird concept for a show Well, it was a it was christian, right? No, that was veggie veggie. That's veggie tells bananas and bananas. It was british It was british. They're like, I've got no idea for a series. It's uh bananas and pajamas. Well, my my

my god god sister's Ward she takes care of a mentally an invalid and he was uh He just he started screaming and throwing feces everywhere and yelling bananas and pajamas. Yeah, and that would be a great kids show Thought to myself. What if we just let him say a show and then I go to uh, the south of france for the entire year Uh-huh, and then I don't have to do my job and you pay me anyways. That sounds pretty good. That sounds good. Let's let's give him a higher a snag for to record the retards words

And then that will be children's entertainment. Yes, because it's no longer okay to just laugh at retards No, we need to take their ideas and laugh at those It's true Yeah, most tv shows are read retards ideas. What is the history of that show? I guess I never saw it. You know, I bet we can we can I bet we could bet on it Oh, okay. My bookie dot ag that's yeah, you can bet on the history my bookie You guys know them you love them because they're honest winning season returns in my bookie Winning season means doubling your first deposit

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Yeah, writing a thing that you think is well written about your dead father and then it gets what maybe four or five likes You quietly deleted later You can be one of those guys at my bookie dot ag winning season means survivor super contest in squares Don't be a square. Don't be a survivor. Be a super contest and sign up at my bookie dot ag My bookie winning season means hitting all of your parlays and props with your feet up watching your team trounce their arrivals It's the only website you can use at home Rejoice it's time to celebrate the nfl season Uh-huh invest in your intuition. That is I've never heard a better euphemism for gambling

Yes, that is truly wild. You do not have a problem. This is the copy. They sent me invest in your intuition That's the that is you're actually a genius. I love that dude. I love that too That's some like don draper shit. That's great copy. It's not gambling It's an investment I'm investing in your ability to guess Your guesser What is guessing it's taking a chance And who does that women know women stay home

Waiting to have sex with the milkman Um from live betting through championship futures every play you want to make is waiting at my bookie dot ag It's simple make your picks win big collect your cash use promo code come town 20 And double your first deposit. Mm-hmm your winning season begins today only at my bookie dot ag adam So you're using um, what's it called robin hood? Are you also? betting on games Uh, I'm betting on it all but what are you betting on at my bookie dot ag? I'm betting. Why don't you talk to them about your picks for the week while I throw out my coffee cup

Yeah, so we got a big week of football ahead the nfl is back um These are my picks for the week. I'm going to pull it up um Let's see The uh bangles are playing the browns. That's uh, that's the the rivalry of the state of Ohio And I'm going to say the the bangles are going to win that that's easy money going my bookie dot ag and choose the bangles in the

Cleveland's favored by minus five point five And that's that's that's that's all I got on that. There's better odds in vegas folks. I don't know what that means, but yeah Uh, yeah, you'd be an idiot not to use my bookie.com You would have to be some kind of bananas in pajamas. You're fucking Mongoloid right to not to not check out that website It's 12 23 p.m. On wednesday and you're listening to new york's gayest radio station Um Are we done with the read? We are done with the read my bookie dot ag check it out. What's the code?

Code is come town 20 come town 20 Okay, I'm sucking on a dick all day I can't wait to say And budge a crack in my mouth. All right, um What else is in the news folks? I don't know man. I'm making a point of not paying attention to the news I saw yesterday the joe bottom played despacitoff his phone and then Donald trump. Wow. What a guffaw. I can't get enough of this pal these politics guffaws Isn't that funny? Yes, and wow joe biden did he did a despacito

It is quite a good song, uh, but then john wonder um, he's gonna pokemon go to the polls I love being entertained by these political guffaws. This is yeah Yeah, this is just one bushism after another. Yeah, all these politicians are making boo-boos And we're laughing it up um, yeah, don trump, uh retweeted a remix of it of Biden playing that was the worst part of the police by the n words with attitude

That was the worst part about all that shit. Whereas, you know people talking about like Well, like oh, Trump's gonna be good for politics or for comedy Do you remember how remember how much how good comedy was directed at bush and it's like No, it was all shit. Yeah, almost all of it was fucking shit The only thing that was remotely. Okay was will ferrell's george bush impression Which is easily one of the worst things will ferrell was ever done I thought it was pretty funny. It's funny, but only because it's will ferrell. Yeah, you know, it's better than that old school Old school very funny way better frank the tank very hilarious elf

Elf. Yeah, that was funny too. That movie rocks that movie. That's it's a holiday classic. It's christmas He's an elf. It's time to put elf on that's every that's the formula. Mm-hmm. Can you think of anything else? You need that movie needs Nope, I can't think of one. Maybe an up close shot of a woman's pussy. Yeah It just that would make a little bit better if we could have gotten one scene just seeing a uh, uh dicks Slime In and out of a woman's pussy other than that perfect movie A couple of seconds of a big pair of tits bouncing up and down

And then just a sloppy just cock going in and out of a woman's pussy for maybe two and a half minutes Yep, just a long long enough to get a nut off before we get back to seeing the midget Just a pair of testicles slapping against a woman's ass glued to a woman's asshole Just absolutely stapled that would make elf funny It would be the perfect movie. Yeah, I would I would enjoy that Yeah, just a quick shot. Maybe fucking maybe throw james bond in there. I rewatch bow finger this week What a good movie. It's a good movie. So funny. It really holds up The scene where Eddie Murphy runs across the highway is just it's one of the funniest scenes in any movie

It's a classic. It is a classic. It is a love letter to the cinema. Yeah, that's our favorite kind of movie Nick and I love letters to Hollywood. Yeah Hugo masterpiece masterpiece la la land Just an absolute Love letter. It'd be funny if if Square says you made The Irishman first and then Hugo and Hugo was his last movie. Yeah That would suck I got one more idea that I'm going to make And uh, it's going to be my best picture. It's a boy who loves the movies

It's a boy little boy loves the movies and he's like a robot or something. He's a robot that lives on at the train Yeah, I told you I fucking like I was like hanging out with comics in LA. I was living in LA at the time and I had nothing to do on I guess it was Christmas or And they were like, yeah, we're going to go do a double feature at the movies And I was like, okay, cool And I like I went with and I had no say in picking the movies and the movies were tin tin and then hugo Oh my gosh, and I spent like $50 on movie tickets

It's either that or I didn't even like hop to the next movie and not pay Um, no, yeah, it was like not. Yeah, it was for both of the movies. Very ethical. Yeah. Well, I think I was there was like the kiosk or something. I can't remember the exact mechanics of it, but I don't even remember hopping to the other movie being a an option or I was just so annoyed that I was going to see two movies that I had Zero interest in and they're both like CGI motion capture movies too Uh, yeah, 3D whatever. What is it? What is wet ass pussy? What is that? Uh, it's the concept. Isn't it dry? Isn't vagina always dry? I've never actually seen a wet ass pussy myself. I have no idea. But apparently, uh, it's something that I like. I love it. I like a nice squeaky pussy. Oh, I love that. You know what I mean?

Oh my gosh, like just, uh, I like you throwing beef jerky at your grandma's face when you fuck it. Yeah, that's the sound I Yeah, I like That's this. That's what pussy that's what that's the sound of pussy to me I like a pussy that sounds like when you have uh, your shoes are making black streaks on a dry floor Playing some indoor b-ball Playing some hoops with your all white basketball shoes Yeah, when you fuck it sounds like a birthday clown making animals and making some kid a hat Yeah

That kind of sound Yeah, that's what I like. I think, um, I still like What is it, a song? It's a song, yeah. It's a song by Cardi B and Megan By who? Desi Anege? Yeah Who's writing a song like that? Nat King Cole? Yes, that's right. Um, no, it's by Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B

George Jones? George Jones was a gentleman of country Is he the one that wrote the song Wet Ass Pussy? Wet Ass Pussy, everybody's talking about that. I said what is that? A song by George Jones? Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, that's, uh, that sounds about right Let's see, what is this song? Everybody's talking about it. W-A-P My nephew, he says we're all listening to this song W-A-P and I said what does that stand for? It stands for one to the prettiness

And he said, uh, he said why don't you, when we leave, you can look it up on the computer we gave you 17 years ago that you're still using to get viruses I'm gonna load up Netscape Navigator You know, when I first got the laptop I hated my family for it because it's just, my identity was stolen 15 times in the first 7 minutes I was using it But it's now, it's nice because the computer's so fucking old they don't even make viruses for it anymore Yeah, it's too old for viruses And I'm still, you turn it on and the entire screen, the entire frame is the Windows 98 start button Because I had the, I have the magnification settings turned up all the way

So I can use the laptop, I say you should see me, I say hold on, we're gonna, we're gonna look up the phone number to the restaurant I say to my nephew, he's like I can look it up on my phone, I said no, you'll watch, I've got it And I turn the computer on and then it starts, it sounds like a Chinese, one of those, those little, it sounds like a Pachinko machine This thing fucking, it takes, it takes 17 and a half minutes to boot before I can start typing my password in It makes the room temperature go up to 103 degrees On my nephew, he's trying to put a gun in his mouth waiting for me as I just, I stare at the thing, I get three inches from the screen and look over my reading glasses We're going to your restaurant, I just need to look it up on the computer No, we're gonna look up the number to the Outback Steakhouse so we go to every single fucking time you're here that I know the number, I should know the number

That I like calling first That I like calling first Because I don't like awaits Because even when I go to the world's shittiest restaurant, I like the idea of having a reservation Yes Table for two It's me and a young man So Cardib is who wrote the song

I said certified freak, seven days a week, wet ass pussy, make that pull out game week woo Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you fucking with some wet ass pussy, bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pussy, give me everything you got for this wet ass pussy Beat it up, oh boy There's the n-word Yeah I had to pull my nephew aside, I said I didn't listen I didn't realize you were listening to racist songs And this disappoints me

The rest of it, I got no problem with Yeah, some of the guys at my work, I know they're African American Wait, hold on They use that word That's what this line really is, beat it up, n-word, catch a charge Yeah So like fuck me so hard that you go to jail Yeah

Okay They serve hard time If that's what women want That is If that's what every woman wants Yeah, that's what Put this pussy right in your face, swipe your nose like a credit card, hop on top, I want a ride, do a kegel while it's inside Why were people going nuts about this song?

Because it's like this is not, I mean, like this is not anything new Yeah, Lil' Kim used to Yeah, of course Do songs about being fucked My neck, my back, look at my pussy and my crack I mean, it's like this is not Yeah, it's not a breakthrough I think there was a conservative backlash

And then people found that to be funny Ben Shapiro was offended by the song I want to read the lyrics of this song right now Extra large and extra hard Everyone knows that everyone has the same exact size penis, five and a half inches You can look it up right now, in fact, I'll do it on the show Average penis size, five and a half inches There is no such thing as a penis larger than that

That's right Yeah, I think he was reading it and he kept saying wet ass P word And people were like, this guy is a nerd This guy is a total loser Out in public make a scene, I don't cook, I don't clean That's what they want That's what they want They want women that don't know how to cook

They don't know how to clean They just know how to have sex with guys with bigger dicks than you And that's what they want And that's what they're gonna do And that's what they're gonna do And that's what they want Think about that And think about what they want

And that's what they're gonna do to you Yes Gobble me, swallow me, drip down inside of me Fuck me in my ass Fuck, bend me over, call me a bitch Call me a little bitch Call me a little slave bitch Call me a little Jewish bitch slave

And fuck me in my ass in my mouth I'm sorry, that was... I'll get back to reading the lyrics No, I was in a fugue Sometimes I go into a fugue That's what I was thinking about You know, it's like Takata and Fugue What's that?

Takata and Fugue, the Bach Takata and Fugue and E minor or whatever It's a piece of music? Oh, yeah Well, fugues are... There's a music fugue or whatever And it's just funny to imagine Like, I don't know, was it Bach, Brahms?

What are those guys? It's just... Beethoven Just like, yeah, I'm gonna compose stuff And then somebody's like, hey, doesn't that guy look like the guy that molestered you? And he's like, ah! Ah! And that's what that song is

Yeah, he makes that kind of fucking... I blacked out and I remembered when I was getting molested Oh, totally And that's why it's called Takata and Fugue Yeah I run down on him For I have a boop running me Talk your shit, bite your lip

Ask for a car while you ride that dick While you ride that dick Folks, this is what they want It's what they wanted you You really ain't never gonna fuck him for a thing Yeah He actually did that I'm sure he did

Yeah I mean, you did it perfect But that's like... Everyone was literally sharing that video of him I think he might have even said This is what they want I mean, I think... Like, what else is he gonna do?

Yeah, that's... I mean, it's pretty... It's also, it's like... But the criticism is that like This isn't provocative because this is like fucking old news No, that's not his criticism It's that this isn't empowering Of course not

Yeah But it's like the whole thing is like sort of a stale show Yeah, this has been something that's been happening for a while If you listen to the music of Trina, The Baddest Bitch Mm-hmm From Slippin' Slide Records A lot of songs like this Holy fuck

What is this? I just like scrolled down and realized how many songs I realized how many lyrics there are to this It's a long song This is fucking insane Yeah Okay, well maybe that gives it like... This is like...

I mean, I don't know what you call these, stanzas Yeah, it's poetry in my opinion It's street poetry But I mean, for a song that's just about getting fucked This is probably 2,000 words Yeah, well they're women They can't shut up Mm-hmm

I can't shut up Fuck me as to make me shut up You gotta fuck me because I won't shut it up Yeah Pussy A1, just like his credit Is that a credit rating? Uh... Folks, that's not even a credit rating

I know, because I'm Jewish Every Jewish person knows the credit ratings Or triple A, triple B, and F Yeah, that's true There's no such thing as anyone credit rating That's right If Ben took exception with that, I would be on his side He got a beard, well, I'm trying to win it

Wait, that's a lyric? So now men have to be able to grow beards Now that's it, your penis has to be big And you may have to grow a beard But a woman can weigh 500 pounds if she wants to That's the world That's how they want the world Now Ben's starting to make a little sense to me

Women are allowed to be fat And get your face wet with their pussies But you have to be able to grow a beard Yeah And you have to have more Than the government allotted 5.5 inches Which is exactly normal and fair And no one's to take his beard from that

That's right It's not fair to have a bigger penis than that Mm-hmm But it is socialism to make sure everyone has 5.5 So I think Ben's gonna defeat himself with logic there Mm-hmm You just proved my point The swang in the back of my throat

Thanks for just proving my point Thank you, Cardi B, for proving my point My point And the aim is fire P'nanny DeSani DeSani isn't even a water company anymore No, they still sell it at McDonald's You can't even get DeSani

You can't That's how not only is the song distasteful, degenerate, and disgusting But it's also lazy Yeah You can't get DeSani anymore And Aquafina equally rhymes with P'nanny Yeah, that's true In Jewish culture, Aquafina rhymes with P'nanny

In Judeo-Christian culture The Judeo-Christian rhyming scheme Which has been stolen from Shakespeare And bastardized by this woman To be distorted To be distorted and degenerized To be sized So that she can talk about her vagina

But if I were to write a song about my penis Everyone would laugh at me Everyone would I would not get a Grammy I would be laughed at Everyone would say nobody wants to hear a song called 5 Everyone 5 inches is normal And there's no such thing as a bigger penis

5.5 is the biggest Your Honor, I'm a freak bitch Handcuffs leashes Switch my wig Make him feel like he's cheating So now black people want to be arrested But this time For having

Particularly enticing genitalia That's pretty logical That's good logic, Ben So we can put black people in jail But as long as it's for being sexy That's a compromise I can live with To be honest with you This is what I want

This is what I want This is the world I want This is the world I want to live in We put black people in jail But it's because they're too sexy That's true That's true That's why they got George Floyd

Because he was out on these streets Being too sexy In 1987 George Floyd forgot to rewind a movie Before returning at the blockbuster Case closed Case closed He's a career criminal

Those are just the facts I'm not the one that arrested him I'm not the one that made him return The VHS tape fucked up When I ride the dick I'ma spell my name Is that Ben Shapiro? First of all

I'd be surprised if you could Even spell your name That's good I'd be surprised if she could Even spell her name As you know I was the spelling bee champion In 4th, 5th and 6th grade

Until my final word was pussy And I spelled it P-O-U-S-S-I-T Which is the correct spelling And everyone called me gay That is the gay spelling And they said You're so gay You can't even get pussy

In a spelling bee That's a good burn And I was so humiliated That I delved deep into the The fugue of Judeo-Christian sign That's a fucking crucial burn Right there And that's where it happened folks

This is the Ben they wanted This is the Ben they created I used to be a wigger I was a wigger until 4th grade That's totally true There was definitely a week In Ben Shapiro's childhood Where he tried out being a wigger

And he just bricked it so hard Hey guys Who let the dogs out? Who? I have a question for you Who let the dogs out? Just walking up to a group of black people Hey fellas, what's going on?

Wearing a suit with sneakers on In a briefcase Yeah, in a briefcase Hi fellas Hi my fellow bus stop Negroes I was wondering Who let the dogs out? Ben Shapiro

I was wondering if any of you Could inform me as to who Let the dogs out And they beat the shit out of me And this is the world This is the Ben they created This is the Ben they wanted Now I have a YouTube

With 80 million subscribers That's right And I see that George Floyd Deserved to go to jail For not answering my question They thought that they were killing him They only made him more powerful Yeah

Well I'll tell you where the dogs went Or where they went out to is heaven That's where all dogs go Maybe George Floyd is up there with him Where he deserved to be For not answering my question Yes That's a great take

Is that he deserved to go to heaven I only say George Floyd seemed like a very good guy So would it make sense As a Judeo-Christian That I believe he is in heaven And he deserved to go to heaven Yes

If racism is so bad Shouldn't we kill all the black people So they can go to heaven The atheists can't come to this conclusion Because they don't believe in heaven That's right That's right Ben Thank you for proving my point

Thank you for proving my point atheists Who let the dogs out Who let the dogs out Alright bye guys Thanks for watching