The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 226 – Nerds rope

Episode Date: September 24, 2020

hey now

Yeah, welcome to another episode of Adam copies and today Adam copied losing money gambling on security I didn't lose quite as much as yeah I yeah because you're you copied me in a that's traditionally never be like the winner the original you're shittier than Nick mm-hmm no matter if it's jokes or if it's losing thousand hundreds of thousands of dollars I'm sure I've told the story on the podcast for me it was 1100 and it hurts my friend got the men in black soundtrack in like fourth grade mm-hmm and I got it also and he just stopped talking me for like six months for having it yeah forget he's

like I got it first you copied me unbelievable what if you wanted to listen to it at home yeah and it's mostly garbage yeah I don't what is the I can't think of a single I can remember the Wild Wild West song it's all Stevie wonder samples but about aliens oh cool that's in theory sounds all right the we are the men in black song oh we are Space Jam had a good soundtrack that I believe I can fly on everybody fuck me in my gay ass to get fucked in my motherfucking asshole and fuck me in my mouth I'm a gay guy all right my phone here oh shit you got it I can't find my phone type shit oh fuck makes a burn in

the sense it feels like I'm in fucking it feels like I'm in fucking altar boy again dude yeah it feels like you're about to get no Greek Greek see Greek priests don't fuck their kids because because they're asleep drunk well yes but they have wives they get pussy Greek priests get pussy whereas fucking Catholics Catholics are so cheap they don't want to pay for you know pay for kids and shit what are you doing the wire was tangled up so now I can sit upright more comfortably yeah dude I'm loving the incense bro yeah I know I'm thinking I'm thinking I'm about to steal the move when you were an altar boy was because

they cut in Greek orthodox you get square little pieces of holy bread that means they throw the crust away yeah but if you're around brother I eat so many crusts of holy bread as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a wise guy throw away the crusts me and Paul go behind and eat them all and when you do you dip that bitch in a little bit of that wine it's so good the first time I saw Robert De Niro's character I thought that's the fattest guy everybody wanted to be him he weighed 450 pounds they have to create a custom Cadillac rascal scooter from the get around it costs $380,000 you made all the money

stealing Panera bread now see that's the other thing Panera bread my brothers worked there they throw a lot away so if you worked you know how many fucking and then a toast crunch bagels yeah and fucking loaves those fucking asiago loaves and shit my youth was spent with a lot of free bread yeah I've done plenty of stealing food but it was just not even cutting corners just straight up stealing there's no honor in there was an album pond on my college campus that was just straight up free when we were in the joint Polly was able to take whatever he wanted out of the garbage we were living like kings good fellas but

they're just hobos yeah good fellas by the way never throw good fellas on when you're just like I threw it on when I to eat before I had before I left for Baltimore two weeks ago whatever for your last supper is my last supper yeah my last supper and which is really good I had a fucking stay I made a steak I made a baked potato that's when with the mayor the marinade was fuck but that's the old anyway I guess you'll have a fucking steak and baked potato I did go regardless never throw good fellas on cuz that shit will fucking suck you the fuck it's so good it's weird the last time I watched it I was like

disappointed by it and I hadn't seen it I mean when I would watch it when I was like 15 like probably 15 years old was the last time I saw it interesting and then I would watch it like every week yeah from in between like 13 and 15 it's time to watch good fellas yeah maybe there's something maybe there's something to you burning it out because I've seen it maybe you know casino on the other hand I can still watch one ever it's so casino is a fucking masterpiece and actually when I was like in my late teens and started buying DVDs I bought casino not good fellas and I would watch I saw I've seen casino more than I've

seen good fellow interesting well yeah I would say they're equal you know I used to watch all the time was casino and true romance the bangers bangers on bank true romance fucking rocks cocky I used to love that movie dude I wanted to get pussy from a fucking prostitute or one gently used prostitute so bad you want to go see a kung fu movie you want to get pie and see a kung fu yeah by the way that's just Tarantino getting no pussy writing a movie about what if a hot girl wanted to fuck me oh god no you were a freaking prostitute yeah he loves Elvis yeah that character has downs in you want to come back to my

place and see my collection of transitional sunglasses dude speaking of Down syndrome I saw you know joking no I saw something that did make me literally it's funny that this made me think of Nick immediately I was at best by buying a Fitbit okay I'm tracking my steps hitting my 10,000 steps so and it was the first time I'd been like a big store like that I think probably since the pandemic I mean I've been grocery shopping but I'm masked up and I'm waiting for them to retrieve my Fitbit I bought online and a man with Down syndrome or some kind of you know mental handicap goes up to the register with

I'm gonna say like $50 worth of Reese's pieces and like I think nerds rope and he's explaining to so already I'm fucking smiling right thank god for the mask yeah and it's beautiful it's like wow now with he had a mask on presumably how do you guys wasn't he but he could have been a Chinese guy no you need the rest of the face you can see the squat also he was wearing sweatpants and women honestly long flip-flops if Shane Gilles I'll be honest yeah Shane Gillis had a mask on uh-huh yeah and you're right yeah just uh I want to reach me let me get all the receipts yeah yeah sure but there I will say there was also something

to this man's movements and he also was he looked grown and he had a chaperone with him so all of these things sort of clued me in I never tell us about we're gonna well go ahead well so he so then I'm like well that you know that's cute that's awesome good for him he's living he's fucking living yeah and then he starts explaining the cashier that he got a $50 best buy gift card and this is what he wanted to use it on yeah so that to me is that's a double that's awesome that's the most intelligent what the fuck is he gonna get like a tenth of a microwave yeah I don't know video game something they don't play

video games they don't know of course not like immense Nick is tapping his head by the way everyone Nick is arching his eyebrow and tapping his head I would love to have intelligence I would love to watch a retarded guy play Death Stranding yeah absolutely we get so pissed I mean I got pissed I'm a genius and I me too I had no idea what was going on yeah I don't like I don't get what those video game studios they're like how much good will do you think you have with people yeah that you think I'm gonna fucking invest upfront attention to this story it's crazy you know I don't get a gun

until like 40 hours into the game when the rain the rain came and it's it okay well this is going directly into the garbage so fucking video game they I know it sucks so they could probably play some Legos the Star Wars sure Legos Indiana Jones like I go Indiana Jones is a masterpiece it's a good day it's one of the which it's one of the rare instances when a derivative or you know like an adapted spin-off is better than the original then Indiana I'm you know what I'm willing to agree with you because I did not like Indiana Jones that much I didn't either and I've tried to like that and Lord of the Rings is an

adult well I guess I was an adult and Lord of the Rings came out but I tried to like I'm like cuz you know what it would be nice to do drugs and sit and watch Lord of the Rings and be like fuck yeah absolutely whatever this gay shit yeah yeah I mean I've never seen those movies they suck they look fucking boring they're fucking boring yeah they boring give me the fight scenes cut the fight scenes into 40 minutes you gonna fight at the end if they were good and a couple quick magic if they were good they were good by accident cuz fucking like Peter Jackson made that Hobbit movie right shot the whole thing in like

60 frames per second which is one of the biggest fuck ups of all it looks like shit it looks like so papa it looks like absolutely fucking dog shit and it's such like just shoot one scene maybe just see what it looks like look at it and be like is this cinematic yeah or is this incredibly fucking distracting and it we like we should not do this I've never seen it so that looks it looks like like HD smoothing weird I mean like like it's just fucking like and all sashing around the tiny house they shoot vampires like daytime television yeah honestly they shoot vampires like that vampires cuz you glide mm-hmm I'm

watching anyway let me finish my story here and this is sounds it's gonna sound like I was making this up but I see the guy like as he's talking and as he's about to be handed his candy he's fidgeting with his pocket and then I'm like what the fuck is going on here mm-hmm truly just such a hard dick his dick was so fucking hard for the candy the other explanation the the person checking him out as an old lady I don't think he was horny for her he's with like his mom or sister or something and and honest and just and he is wearing gray sweatpants and a huge just big-ass down syndrome hard on like a huge dick

he had a huge dick and he was trying to hide it and I was just like and I'm just like I'm like thank God for this mask I'm just taking a look I have to take a lap because I'm just like lose I mean it's thick is hard as shit like the heart I'm not joking I don't know if my dick has ever been that hard in my life it's funny because it's like you think like pointing up do you see like up not out parents to deal with like a kid with Down syndrome they look tired and you're like oh there must be like such a burden to have to take care of them like no I've just more than ever I'm laughing I fucking buy 3 p.m. I've been weeping

just because he you know he like I went to make a sandwich there's a dick print the peanut butter he fucked the peanut butter which you would think would be you know I'd say thank God the dog died last year otherwise I'd have to call up the vet getting the medic run a rape kit oh man it was funny if they did rape kids for dogs for dogs yeah check for other dogs or I think people raped little quiet there step better yeah I think you sounded good either way yeah dude it was fucking awesome that guy rocks he was so he was awesome he rocked absolutely that was properly masked up you know a good citizen why put him in his sweat

pants I don't know you think that's an error you're struggling with the pants getting them on them all and they were like they were I mean I think he's capable of putting his pants on it's also very funny in gray they were specifically the kind of pants if you want it to look good if you want your penis to look good you would wear these sweatpants it's very funny that also to imagine the guy that was like yeah I'm gonna give I'm gonna give Tina's son a $50 gift card the best part first birthday you can't just get him a car yeah you know right I mean you think you can or you can't you can get him a card and not even put

anything no you gotta get a present look at the drawing leave it up to the sister to make up what the words say inside you just scribble and then send it that's yeah you write in cursive if you can read Joseph if you can read this without assistance I will give you four million dollars just go going up to your he's like your step-sister Tina and handing her a card for her retarded son being like sorry it's kind of last minute yeah and then it's just scribble in the card and then it's like what he's gonna read it my son is a card that you I didn't have time to come out I didn't what am I gonna say to him what the

fuck it doesn't fight make a difference anyway it doesn't so you got you want me thinking up three senses he's sitting right there like he's a fucking retard the fuck am I gonna write in the car yeah clear understanding everything 100% knowing what's going on got a job at the same place you both you both work and fucking like pay less he's at the same level totally he's he's a lot you're like barely outselling yeah he's in the front of the store you're in the back he's like he doesn't understand inventory yeah that's a different situation plus I get pussy I'm not here getting my dick hard for candy

them yeah Tina thinks she's so special with her fancy retard boy oh this one can read congrats Tina you fucking bitch oh if he weren't retarded he would be a genius I got if you're gonna have a retard this is the best this is the one to have is the one to have I wish they could cure it just so I could see how dumb that fucking boy would be go up maybe two points shit I got a half of mine to find the cure myself I'm about the flowers for Aldrin on this motherfucker I could do it I could say I can't say I can't fucking do it and that guy just like learns chemistry to make a cure for dancing still working at pay less out

of spite he cures down syndrome what would the cure be you add a little bit you take a little chromosome away it's definitely not nerd's rope it's not nerd's rope we have a lot of a lot of anecdotal evidence to back that up yeah although maybe there hasn't been you know scientific full trial full clinical trials mm-hmm if you went in to every cell and chopped up chopped up out a little bit of the chromosome that is a very sweet story I'm incredibly endeared by it was so cute yeah the first part is you never see a dick that hard and you're like awesome initially I didn't want to laugh at it because it's

like yeah let him get the fucking came oh no but it's like it's like versus oh yeah yeah yeah totally the hard-ass dick is where it really yeah when did a Disney movie thank god otherwise I would have had a crisis of conscious yeah just Schlegel used to have a bit about because he would volunteer with like the Special Olympics and he was just like talking about I wish I remember the bit but he's just talking about it like what that the end like they I think maybe he worked with them and they got their paychecks and every day they just wanted to go to 7-eleven and just get like a fucking jug of like chocolate milk and

yeah he's like they are living yeah they're happier than you'll ever be in your life they have the diet of like glass regions yeah they eat like like like Highlanders just like all fried chicken yeah macadamia not cookies respect big big big respect yeah dude it was nice being in fucking Baltimore yeah back with the back and back to my roots dude do you eat anything nice not really no yeah nothing to eat no I went on a little journey a hell of health and wellness excursion yeah but I basically salmon and chicken thighs I want to do a restaurant the other night and got like

a salmon summer green bowl salad okay blew my mind it was good because I've been fucking living off making your own bullshit making the shit so I learned yeah just the awful food that I'm yeah and you're you're fucking you know I'm like hot tuna hot tuna soup I'm fucking you know you get one of the bags of pulled rotisserie chicken from Costco open that bad boy up let it sit in the fridge maybe a month past the cell by date it's cooked it's already cooked it's already cooked but now it's dried out you know very rubbery yep so you mash it absolutely salad mass chicken and salsa with a side of peanut butter

now time to make fun of retarder to the tune of yeah hundreds of thousands of dollars it doesn't make any sense why would anyone listen to it well yeah man I hit the fish market up but yeah I don't know I actually got into Japanese shit while I was gone accidentally yeah not on purpose I know you don't have a lot of respect for those I do I absolutely do yeah but not I got into Japanese shit non-animate division let me be family movies books and music you're reading Japanese books well my friend had some Murakami books okay and I read a

couple of those which were straight they were very pleasant but the books that I read it seems the whole point of the books is a guy gets friendzone but he still wants you to know he gets pussy mm-hmm that's that's the whole vibe he does he's like it's a guy that loves a mentally ill woman she doesn't want to fuck him and he's sad but he gets pussy from other girls but he's just trying to get on on that crazy pussy he won't it's a guy who's he's a guy who it clearly Murakami has been rejected by like a lot of girls with BPD that's the whole that's the whole vibe that's an artist kind of thing but I will say very

pleasant reads there's one where Japanese people go to Greece love that mm-hmm oh there's the answer that's the end a couple mm-hmm we're looking for books where people go to Greece no I didn't was what do I care you're like a shank we'll take a look at all their fate that the Japanese are famous tourists yeah I've seen since my youth yeah and maybe when I was seven I was like what the fuck is this the first time I saw Japanese people with their fucking cameras and shit at the fucking Parthenon you know it's it's weird I guess I never saw a Japanese tourist I just remember that stereotype from the movie

gremlins 2 mm-hmm with the Japanese guy is always like oh take a picture right I will say take a picture yeah take a picture classic I can't win I will say that is I want to be the producer that was like you know like they've like gremlins 2 was done they're like yeah let's let's put like a Japanese guy in here that's a stereotype I don't remember his role but I will say there's Japanese it might be one scene and that that is the only thing I remember from gremlins 2 is that Japanese guy that's got like cameras hanging off his neck and I remember as a kid being like someone explained to me they're like

they love taking pictures joke about Japanese right right it's gremlins 2 where they go to the mall there it yeah it's like a TV it's a mall I don't remember yeah the very guy is back I barely remember gremlins one yeah I just remember my boy never turns into a gremlin right I remember the stays he's good he's appearing I remember the black one mm-hmm the ghetto gremlins yeah spike no it wasn't it like gremlins in the hood or something that's leprechaun leprechaun okay so I can choose those franchises yeah I saw the original they're very different first of all and I'm kind of the same thing not even I

don't know they're scary movies about no mall they're not first of all one is a pure horror comedy leprechaun mm-hmm the second is more heartwarming it's about a boy and his fucking it's about a boy and his little baby that he never wants to get pussy I think gremlins is an allegory for getting pussy you turn into a gremlin which once you get a little drop of pussy juice on your tongue after midnight you know you can also give the gremlins smokable CBD really yeah from cushy dreams.com you can also give them to kids legally yeah give cushy dreams to kids I'm gonna say that if you want as high quality CBD product that you can

smoke up your fucking nephew whether he has a mental disability or not you can smoke up your heart up you know your heart dick heart dick warrior fucking down syndrome getting candy yeah you can give your kid a little shotgun you know hit a bomb absolutely shotgunning is definitely you don't want to you don't want to trust them with the big lighter the most important thing is that you smoke your CBD because you can't which is the slogan which is a very very good ass from from cushy dreams and also the slogan of down syndrome mm-hmm eat your nursery who's gonna say it's gonna say shit it's been your $50 best buy gift

card on Reese's Pieces because you fucking can bitch yeah yeah the freaking I don't know about you fellas but I love nice stories the story about a guy with Down syndrome that gets like a gift card like some asshole relative gives it a retard it's a rich relative mm-hmm he gives a retarded guy a $300 gift card the best buy birthday okay coked out of his mind sure the sisters like great thanks they take him there the retarded guy doesn't know what to spend the money on right yeah it's the exact right price for Alexa and then it's a love story between the boy the guy the retarded guy in alexa well he falls in love with

Alexa it's like a better version of her it is a better version more likeable protagonist because I would believe requires all of this like extra stuff yeah like Alexa I love you and she's like it's 73 degrees outside and it's that for you know maybe 90 minutes yeah I was trying to find Alexa the whole time she's invisible she get out of there he's somewhere out of the box come out of that and then eventually he fucks the fucks the the echo speaker yeah the echo dog and afterwards how does he relax with some high quality nerds you see BD nerds rope and that's a good dinner oh yeah yeah it's also Joaquin Phoenix is

yeah oh for sure he would love absolutely hey Murray when you bring me out can you call me a Joker sure thing Joker anything you want Arthur now we have a very special boy here tonight get a load of this clown look here he is in the Amazon echo isle at Best Buy trying to have sex with one of the machines you know what if they if that's what Murray did Murray you made fun of me on the show and everybody laughter I'm sorry Arthur if that's how he actually behaved then he should die yeah if it's a show where you bring retarded people to mock them on TV I mean that is kind of what happened I

wasn't retarded yeah it's borderline hmm now I think we have to as a society we have to draw a line somewhere who's protected and who's not the Joker character was a mentally disabled man yeah he was neuro atypical because he's didn't smoke didn't smoke enough cozy dreams cozy dreams which ships legally to all 50 states right join the group of adults who are sick of vape that's such a fucking time join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies that's join the group that I'm in gentlemen welcome to the group of adults extraordinary group of adults welcome to we've got tired of eating gummies and looking like

retarded people at Best Buy this has to be a way to smoke this week tired of looking like I have Down syndrome it's not my fault I have a permanent erection because I took too much Viagra during the filming of Entrapment oh he took Viagra just to be hard just to impress J Lo we know I was trying to steal Catherine away from Michael Douglas is he still alive Sean Connery I think so we had sex unfortunately this is what you want Catherine you want me and Sean to have sex no well it's too late too late that's too late mean him fucked understand that you see what I'm saying we met up we had sex the

attention to detail is noticeable by the way Catherine by the way in every beautiful flower smoking your CBD is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver CBD into your ass it's true does not get you high it's independent lab testing shows compliance and purity click here for the results that's not a good idea we'll click the link yes we had sex I fucked Michael Douglas in the ass while smoking some cushy dreams pre-own in California in Oregon the trouble the good troubles each plan is hand-selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts mm-hmm alternative for people looking to cut

back on smoking other things that's right mix as well with other things you can smoke each batch is slow cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserved flavor and cannabinoids they take the artisan approach I don't know I actually I did I just I got back into smoking this shit it's nice it is legitimately not I love just I'm out of just blasting coffee in the morning getting myself really fucking wired feeling like absolute dog shit and then fixing it with different drugs CBD by smoothing CBD yeah which I used to when I was my drinking days the the fucking that 11 a.m. the noon switch

we go from too much coffee to when the booze little fucking whiskey and the fuck the booze and the coffee do the like arm wrestle you know yeah you get like 20 minutes where it's awesome mm-hmm yeah it's the best you found your cocktail and then the alcohol starts winning mm-hmm yeah I had one day I was in some museum mm-hmm and I had drank too much coffee and I started drinking beer and the museum cafe respect and I started getting a little drunk get drunk off $11 museum beers yeah yeah yeah and I was like it's great this rock is fucking it's a perfect morning I love the culture I'm a genius I'm an intellectual and I'm

trashed mm-hmm just going up to women like you know you ever look at this painting what's up bitch every now talk about Picasso the museum get away at the like natural history museum talking about paintings yeah yeah you were the fucking wisdom where the gas rocks here I and Frank her diary I've read it get away Masha come with us please sir do not talk to my daughter she's not allowed to have sex with anyone but me only I will have sex with my daughter as part of a lease agreement with if you want to fuck my daughter it's 12 months on the pussy 40 times income 100% hand trim organic forming

practices selection includes indoor exotic strength oh hell yeah yeah so the indoor Indian girls titty is one of the strength my favorite string yeah suck on it Indian gamer girl titty wow indoor exotic strings it's pretty exotic that's me smoking some of that I get like 15 emails a day from either Donald Trump or his son really why people sign me up for like every single that's a good prank yeah I don't really get on your nerves well the rest of them you just mark his spam and then that you never get him again but you want to get Donald's the Donald ones are very funny what does he say I mean I got one

earlier today cuz I don't actually what Donald says is to go to cushy dreams dr kushy officially sponsored by Donald Trump and use promo code you know right they've got drugs and then they've got this and it's still it's like for white people mm-hmm it's weed but it's for white people that's right and you don't have to you don't you know you're not gonna go to jail you can do it when you're a star you can do any drug you smokeable flower three lines private reserve ultra premium premium they come in eighths whatever I go to just go to cushy dreams that's good okay you sh y dreams.com make sure you don't go to see

you sh y dreams.com because that is child pornography it's fat three eight year olds yeah and we didn't send you there yeah that's you gotta they should probably they should have checked should have bought that one they should have made sure because see you sh y is morbidly obese six and seven year olds you know being being less than getting taken to town I see wow that's gross huh check out use promo code come town for 20% off your first order smoke your CBD because you because you fucking kid that shit is it's nice I know I've been off I haven't even fucking had caffeine mm-hmm and I haven't smoked weed but I'm I think I'm

gonna dabble with the CBD train mm-hmm I got I gotta fucking fit with the tracks my sleep and I don't get very good sleep it turns out mm-hmm yeah I'm back on the CBD train I suppose I don't know we'll dabble maybe we'll start smoking weed again yeah oh yeah but so I read more comic books and then I also have been getting into some fucking Japanese like mm-hmm some piano type music some I was getting the instrumentals and I came across a guy named Shijio Sekito mm-hmm that guy's got bangers dude Sean McCartney recommended or Sean McCarthy who's Sean McCartney from the Beatles from the Beatles the Irish Beatles

that kept man yeah the Irish invasion back in the 60s come on girl I want to get you pregnant I can't do anything about it I want to hit I want to punch your face I want to work as an electrician and knock you up 30 times I want to make it I want to destroy your body with children before you're 30 recommended Sean yes this book the Godfather the Kremlin that's fucking wild oh interesting have you read it out no no you just said Mario Puzo you just said it knowingly I thought you were gonna say the Godfather no that I would have been like I heard the books not very good but I'm not you know Michael

Corleone was supposed to be a big blonde guy wow and fucking Al Pacino's a little-ass fucking dark wait what do you mean he was supposed to be a big blonde like in the books he's a big blonde wow like Dolph Lundgren like you you've seen those big blonde Italian some longer and just being like kind of a northerner I'm actually going back home to join my family's business yeah she's just doing karate there should have been more karate yeah I was in the army for a while I learned karate you know in the war I went over and I did karate against karate they needed a guy to do karate to do karate and Christopher Walken might

have been the right age huh yeah I just I can't do young Pacino I can't do pre-screening of course yeah I'm screaming but she knows too good yeah easy but young Pacino he's subtle everybody wants made a do karate it's not even good that's just screaming it's fine dude it's enough it's enough give the fucking piggies their slop how about this yeah there we there it is there's a fresh label yes well we'll do one impression Michael Douglas Corleone how did it take us so long to get here you call you come to me my daughter's you don't even suck my day you don't even have the currency I was wondering maybe we could put your

penis in my head see you don't a girl bloom oh they're done done go down gold bloom and they come into my shop every day and they fuck me in my ass every morning it's fucking fucking fucking and they leave me and I'm filled with come have you tried calling the police the police don't care about sexual assault they only care about keep making sure the wall street is something they are here to protect the private property not Italian as a whole to be honest with you know I didn't even bother calling because I saw a thing on Instagram they say don't my whole sexual history will go on track I used to be a

slaughter done a golden bloom you're wearing a little a little tight suit you wearing a gemper costume you've got on a phone you're wearing ass hole this top says please rape me these are the only clothes I could afford because of my family we come in we come here and we don't have any money that's that would be genius I'll tell you what I do I'll lease you new clothes for 780% interest back don't go don't go down thank you but if you don't have the money guess who's being turned out we're gonna take you to a whorehouse and then you'll be raped all day long every day and I'll sell you to the boo the boo

because it's not a good mafia movie unless you say they say yeah you have to put in the script I'm reading this they should do it in like a completely throwaway manner yeah like a just a scene like just insert insert a scene in the good fellas where fucking raleo to comes downstairs and then the toast is burned and he's like what the hell is this toast there's no reason for the scene yeah yeah what the hell is this toast yeah he wakes up he gets a call from Robert De Niro he's like all right I'm coming right away it seems like he's gonna get into his car but no we take a stop to the

kitchen where he picks up the toast in the car and then it cuts to him and then it gets to him Robert De Niro in a different location he's going to a food place he's getting breakfast he's going to a diner yes that's right oh fuck god to them I have no penis you have no please don't go to bloomer I have an opinion maybe we could do some illegal online gambling okay at my bookie dot AG the premier illegal sports book sounds legal to me totally unauthorized primers totally I love that there was like a thing with like strategy guys is it like fucking Nintendo is gonna be like fucking don't tell

people how to beat the game not tell them how to cheat at a game they already bought we're unauthentic it's unauthorized absolutely completely unauthorized fucked up you're a fucking you're gonna go to jail you're gonna have sex with a guy in prison this might make you gay reading eating Zelda might make you gay you might become a girl you'll get they're gonna turn you into a girl as I walk past the story the other day they just had on the window it's like transition with style thank you are you joking no I'm serious god damn oh yeah it's it's women's just praying on like people that are already struggling

through transition well the thing is it's like get ready to be a woman you're gonna be sold though this shit well what other I guess I mean it's not like they like isn't the whole idea that they can go shop at any store yeah there's like a genderless store in Manhattan do you see that place no it's like no gender but they still just sell shirts and shorts and fucking yeah it's all the same clothes there's just no sign that says women's it's branded as you could be a guy or a girl which is every close which is all the clothes right it's a new season that's also what fucking Burlington Coat Factory is like and

Tony O Brown is on the Raiders yes no but fucking Hollywood brand is on the fucking Ravens I'll tell you that much take it away boys well I oh yes you got the Oakland Raider or the Las Vegas Raiders are two and oh so congratulate congratulations hometown pride my hometown I was just there this weekend we are actually Adam is actually up four thousand dollars because he bet on the Las Vegas Raiders I bet the house on the Raiders and meeting the Saints he took the money line we beat him in Monday night football and I'm fucking rich let me tell you something guys my book you don't age you what a website it's an

awesome website it's a website it's not an app or an app or whatever it is well whatever it is it's a great gambling destination and what we like about it is how easy it is to put money into it to bet to wager right whether that's NFL games we've got the NBA fine we've got the Western Conference and Eastern Conference finals going on right now we're gonna have the finals coming up mm-hmm no matter what it is you want to bet on yeah my boogie.ag has that you you can really bet with style there you know I like to I like to load it up put on a white tuxedo bow tie eye patch like I'm a guy like facing off against James

Bond absolutely right that's yep you put that's how I would green felt on your the dinner table exactly and you pretend you're playing poker and then I put my cell phone down and I I bet the house you bet the house and and and I always win that's the thing about my boogie.ag you always you're guaranteed to win every bet you play you always win and up to a thousand dollars they'll match your deposit yes which is that's a win for me right that's a win I would only recommend the service to my listeners it's been good to me that's why my boogie is always the right play you bet you win they pay they pay we're

not gonna don't are you familiar with how casinos and gambling works yeah you pay you win they pay that's how it works have you ever heard of somebody's life being ruined by gambling it is a never once it is a terrible industry to get into it doesn't make any sense for them because they're just giving money but guess what they've got the most rewarding player perks in the business that's true they actually they'll suck your dick your cock you log on to my boogie.ag you got the most rewarding player perks in business and for you fantasy guys out there they actually have a Chinese woman that will suck your

cock yeah and she'll fan you yeah yeah she'll fan you while you place your bet on the Cleveland Browns you can even bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game up to a thousand dollars first deposit bonus over your first deposit use promo code COMTOWN to activate the offer let's visit my boogie online today that's my boogie my B O O K I K E and don't forget to use promo code COMTOWN to activate the offer let's visit my B O O K I K E can you back up for a second I'm sorry but that's M Y C O O and K I K E

no it's not that's definitely wrong sorry it's not these are all slip of the tongue it's all you know it's COMTOWN is in there I'm jump I have dyslexia there's no K in COMTOWN it's M Y B O O K I E COMTOWN and when I read COMTOWN my brain because I'm always like a process information I know that you know I see COMTOWN and it's just it's now it's just C O O N it's goes not no no stop say stop spelling that stop you know what is the first time that's ever happened but Spike Lee says it all the time don't spell it don't see now we know you're admitting that you're thinking the word it's not a dyslexic because Adam he's

wearing a hat at one point in the last week or so I remember seeing him wearing a hat that's not true and Spike Lee wears hats I was thinking spike a lot of people words that Spike Lee uses Spike Lee is used at once or twice when describing somebody it is a gross double standard that society allows Spike Lee to say that word yeah you're not allowed I will not go that far even I do not agree with that that was your idea and I think we should kind of move and the read and you know just move I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway that's what you know you talk about double standard that's true now I

agree I would love to do like just an awful stand-up like I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway and just keep waiting for people if they do let him be like also I should be able to speak if he can say he's just fucking speeding driving willy-nilly say I can't I'm sitting here in traffic I got more of a need for it I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic while this fuck the comedy clubs are back my bookie online today that's my comedians are taking it don't forget to use the promo code come town when creating your account to claim the bonus yeah that's good man I love the idea of

a switcheroo you think it's gonna just be like a dog shit bit and that's actually horrifically obscene so racist yeah so racist that's actually I did that I did that with Matt Stovall and over Mike one time I like I didn't have the courage to do it so like wrote him a set basically that was just like the fucking hackiest jokes yeah it's like four minutes of the hackiest jokes we could write and then just like a horrific thing at the end about like I was hoping my son with his homework just like super clean like about like helping his son with his homework or whatever and then someone helping with history and

they're doing a World War two segment and they got pictures from the camps in there and it's like I mean folks can we talk about this Jesus Christ those Jews had small things I don't know that's just something I'm thinking about but I mean I'll see you like that's awesome went up and did it it's so yeah the people were all like confused because it's like the first part of the set he's like talking about how he's his wife just had twins yeah they's like these fucking Jews yeah and they're a little less colocaustics yeah it's funny and not that I think about it again I enjoyed it a lot that's good yeah no one knew what was

going on I mean no one's paying attention right you know this is like let's just instead of working on our acts right instead of becoming better comedians let's let's just waste our time yeah yeah yeah we waste our time might be one of the only mics for a couple days yeah let's not work on anything let's not let's just let's just let's do one for us and by us I mean me yeah yeah you just peer-pressuring stove all who's definitely trying to work on his act yeah well you did you something yeah yeah I don't know man all right yeah sounds good yeah sounds good man all right so that's out the stove a good

a good guy right there Matt yeah he was one of my first like comedy buddies yeah maybe he's to hang out shots out to the high the good old high tops hands man Samson McCormick Keith the comedian Samson yeah Lawrence Owens Keith yeah Keith Keith just started using his real name which I don't know I just know him is Keith the comedian but I think I know him but yeah I don't know miss Keith the comedian yeah me him and Samson used to hit mics and shit nice back in probably what it's like 2005 wow god damn nobody knew who fucking Obama was Bush years no idea how bad things would get I remember I remember I remember one

guy he did a bit you know in 08 about the Iowa caucuses and he was like and Hillary's gonna win the cock-ass that's why is it called the cock-ass she's getting some cock in her ass and Ellis was with me this open mic and we're just applauding which open mic it was it it was in fucking it was at Irwin's open he went the he went the cock-ass direction and cock-kissed or no cock at EJ's landing EJ's landing bro it was this old guy I don't remember Martin something just awesome just an old white man did a couple of open mice like two months yeah but he's seared into my memory just living life for cock-ass and

he did that by the way every time I saw him in cock-ass later respect what an embarrassing thing to have done comedy yeah yeah oh yeah hey I'm going back I'm fucking I don't even know dude honestly nature gave us an out and part of me is like taken but I don't know man well it's funny it was because like I feel like it'll just be bad if everyone just waited until everything was done and then they reopen the clubs whoever has the capital to reopen the clubs and it could survive but they're gonna push the outdoor show thing that it's gonna people gonna hate it because comedy is just gonna be associated with these dog shit

outdoor shows and then that'll be that'll that it'll be the outdoor shows that kill it yeah and it's like what was that quote about Nixon is the recipe is worse than the dessert that's exactly yep ingredients for the pudding is worse than the frost details taste better than the recipe that famous quote oh yeah damn shots out the fucking dick Nixon the devil is in my penis my penis can't get hard I must be sucked my cock has to get sucked god damn it I just want my that's like what if there's just a shit ton of tapes that'd be awesome Nixon had like a laptop if they had that back in the 70s yeah he's like well what

do I want to beat off today what am I gonna jack my dick to this afternoon Chester incredibly paranoid man he recorded himself a masterpiece the door lock make sure the doors lock all right it's time I look at pornography on my laptop I'm gonna look at pornography here I go put a pen in my ass ww.cushy.com.coo.n not to be confused with cushy.com.coo.m because that's child this is this is a different website it's not child pornography and it's it's racist it's racist pornography what was Mrs. Nixon looking like oh she was fire she was

actually I will take this back I actually don't think Nixon fucked he was a Quaker mm-hmm but he wasn't cool like he was a Quaker but he wasn't chill you know how hard that is you don't fight you don't do shit although wait he was a Quaker he's out there bombing fucking Laos and shit well that was the Jew that made him do it that's true well you lay ocean boy ancient I got a rewatch King of the Hill you do it's on Hulu bro yeah fucking fly through that bitch I know your kind no you lay ocean boy you a lay ocean boy shows up the cotton damn cotton's wife could get it that cartoon yeah I would

love to fuck cotton's wife I would love to fuck Lou Ann obviously I'll sell gay sex and gay sex accessories what and what accessories do I sell he asked the I was just watching episode where he they put him in the all Asian country club because Kyger would wouldn't visit unless they had one non-Asian and to test the layer the Asian guy about whether he actually wanted to be friends he asked him what and what accessories do I sell and he could not come up with it oh my gosh he couldn't remember he couldn't remember I'll sell pussy and pussy accessories I would love to get pussy it was a little Indian summer today it was

really nice oh has it been cold yeah really like broke out fall damn right away I missed that shit it was kind of it wasn't it was kind of hot thing about doing my yearly track suit purchase what do you know I'm well you should go juicy couture of allure yeah like a Jewish girl in 2003 yeah don't try and take that offer Jews that's what everybody was cracking those shits back then well I just remember them it you know with the hugs of course the bad attitudes I was back home visiting my dad and he's like what do you want to watch and we were on HBO I said let's watch Bill Maher let's see what that's

all about yeah it's so funny what that is now what's he up to he's just so fucking defeated like really yeah he he his monologue was great it was great watching with my dad but he was just like yeah because the fires they say it's not safe to go outside for sensitive groups so that excludes millennials oh my fucking yeah and my dad just turns to me goes that's quite right that's quite millennials are like 67 years old worth 31 we're not even the old millennials are in their 40s yeah no god it's like once something makes it to those mother like once a certain group knows what like woke has been dead

for years because everyone knows it Gen Xers are all dead you all died in 9 11 yeah they're all in the towers yeah from it yeah and from washing yeah they love washing yeah they invent they they got it too into washing they love washing and then what else Jean Jackets and washing and joshing washing that was Kevin Smith's first movie so a couple guys go to they're on their way to a Pantera concert here in the van and they're you know like having really just really cool conversations oh yeah you know like Indiana Jones isn't like how come we never see the museum where's the museum even even the fucking

yellow he's a professor but we never see him teaching in class yeah what college the other guys like he's teaching in class in the first scene yeah like immediate that's where they get him that's where you start that's that's the beginning like yeah but why don't we see it like we talking about I just said that we see it and he's like my girlfriend sucks a hundred guys it was he was edgier in the beginning they were all black yeah races I'm sorry I'm just pissed off I can't remember the details of that movie because I'm mad about my girlfriend sucking too many cops you understand so what you do with your

names like Dante or something I guess people have weird names I saw him at an airport at that in LaGuardia Kevin Smith how's he looking he's looking thin actually he lost weight but with the with honestly he's got a little bit of the neck though for used to be fat guy neck going on the turkey neck and if he can't get rid of it then what you what chance do I have no we're gonna get you have to stay fat you look like Roger Ebert dude no Roger Ebert had no fucking jaw yeah that's why from not being fat no from your multiple mouth surgery I'm not gonna get mouth surgery you already got one I did

Stavros has a tooth by the way I don't know if we acknowledge this yet but you're looking incredibly handsome I didn't know thanks bro I didn't really realize how bad of a look yeah it's a pretty funny look you're a fucking adonis no dude thank you for saying that I'm quite impressed with the job they did I didn't even notice your tooth was missing to be honest with you I saw the Instagram posts and people talking about it and I was like Wallace's news to me yeah I had no idea you didn't know I didn't have a tooth this whole the last two years yeah I had no idea yeah yeah yeah I guess you're when you're so

attracted to a person you probably just smelled my pheromones and were under a trance I'm an osmic I can't smell pheromones what's an osmic I'm sounds like a kind of like a Jewish guy from Persia it's when you can't smell no it isn't yeah it is you can't smell it's a nose mick it's an Irish nose no the root of the word it's a means not no no noz is Greek for those no it isn't yeah it is meaty means nose and mick is the way you add things to words to make them mean stuff mm-hmm that's true yeah meaty is Greek for nose dude is not noz I don't think you know I'm gonna challenge

gonna go to the challenges fucking pricks me yeah why don't you challenges fucking prick a bill he's gonna use a lifeline he's calling his sister who's got a retarded son with a giant penis hey Tina it's Mike hey what's up we don't have much time here so I'm gonna get through it a retarded person's penis is a 13 inches long B 15 inches long C two and a half feet long or D they don't have penises okay I'll see you at uncle Steve's funeral I'm on the show I can I'm about to win $50 I need you to answer please this guy I'm down to my last life line this black guy that sounds like Regis who's gonna give me

$50 if I know the answer this question this is my last life line the $50 he can you get him more nerds rope I don't give a shit just help me out here pull it out oh you ran out of time I'm sorry I'm just yeah this is really stressful for me because I've seen his penis but I've never measured it and I'm trying to think you know the dog's mouth is probably you know it's like what am I allowed to can I use my phone and look up the size of a dog's mouth skippy jar how much how much is the depth of a skippy jar no you can't can someone from the audience yell it out like price is right nobody do that

nobody do it I think in fact I think that was already one of the lifelines I think that's there was an ass the audience and we had to sort the kinks out of that because some guy would always vote the n-word somehow never fun he wrote one percent said the end cut the audience like when it's anonymous just we don't know is doing this one guy just looks like dick dastardly he's got a monocle it wasn't me I said Pluto dude when the audience got it wrong that was so fucked up I was one of the people that said Pluto okay why are you looking over your cape why are you holding

a cape in front of your mouth you guys ever have any clothes from the Regis collection no no bro I was a I love the shot I had a Donald Trump tie no dude it was all about the Regis collection I had the shiny shit dude I was looking gorgeous at fucking St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church I also had a Jerry Garcia tie I got from my dad yeah that's a pretty Jewish thing to do I don't know my dad wasn't even a deadhead oh wait your dad made the time his dad was a tie maker no he bought it at Macy's his dad was a cobbler in a time he would make pies and shoes and pies and pies yeah it's called pies and ties we were

like yeah could you have like cobbler he's like actually it's that's just the name I sell shoes I also sell shoes we I hate cobbler and we don't actually make pies and we don't make ties it's only shoes okay well I guess I'll leave that pies and ties shoes house business Adam senior not good Margaret seems everybody wants pies and ties these days nobody's buying a pair of shoes in this economy have you thought about changing the name of the store why don't you suck my fucking my cock get the fucking get out of here go back to your purse kiosk in the mall where my story it's true my parents both worked

at the mall growing up no that's just another lady no Margaret from that's my mother Margaret your real mother hidden from you because she outshone your father in business she was selling pies she sold cell phone cases but dazzled cell phone cases well if you want shirts folks you can check out yeah that town also I'm in Philadelphia next weekend I'm starting to those fucking shows are back baby I'm gonna be at the Philly punchline October 1st through a three Thursday to fucking Saturday I'm gonna be after that and Worcester Massachusetts on the 10th and then I'm doing soul Joel's show and Reading

Pennsylvania and then Halloween weekend good old motherfucking McGooby's joke house baby so go to stopby.biz slash tour I'm gonna be touring and I'm also selling shirts.