The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 228 – Teflon Tussin

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

goonies never die

Push it. Push it. Push it. Push it. She hasn't come bus up that old shiferoad. Come over here and let me get someone to push a hole. I go bus up that shiferoad for one. She said, hold your dick with the baby on. Later I park all head gone get your old coat on your dick with the baby on. Why don't you hold your dick with the baby on? A penguin classic to kill a mockingbird as presented by the come town players from memory. The come town players and pimps. Oh damn. Somebody's got to be, I wish we had like a foley board. I wish I had a complete foley board so I could do radio plays.

You should just get one dude. Yeah. Who cares? Just like footsteps on the big hallway. Well, another day being a lawyer, another day to go home to my child sport and the other one, Pringus or whatever. Pringus and sports. Whatever the fuck another one is. Just another day here in 1940s fucking Mississippi or whatever. Getting guilty black people off.

That's the door that I'm using a door and now it did clunk and that's me getting into my car. We're just joining as you're listening to the radio play of the kill a mockingbird. It's presented by memory on NPR. I'm driving home. Thank you Starbross. When I drive home I like to think about how racist things are in the south where I live. It seems like everything's in black and white and it's fall now. It's fall in the south and the thing is the south is hot but the leaves and I've run over a black person accidentally.

And they're like, oh, we saw you run over that colored fellow back there and we were about to arrest you for murder but I didn't realize you're famous lawyer Atticus Finch. Oh please I beg of you you have to arrest me. You've got to arrest me. I have to face justice just like this man I ran over a ward if he'd done the same to me. Well we've actually been following him. His baby arm Joe and he's been using his tiny arm to make his penis look bigger which is a crime in Mississippi. Is it a crime when a white man does it? Yes.

Yes it's a crime for everybody. This really isn't a race thing. I know you wanted to. He's tricking women. All right well in that case I guess I'll go home scot-free. It's time to start my car back up. Thank you star bros. I'm on my way back to my house.

Still thinking about racism here in the south. That's what it sounds like. The sound of horses. The whore of the wild Mississippi horses. Here comes the sheriff on his horse. To my Corvette. How you doing there Atticus? Very good I'm glad I make so much money as a lawyer to be able to afford such a nice race car here in the south.

It's very good. It's the finest race car in the south. What year is this again? It's 1950 I think it's some time somewhere between 1920 and 1955. And it was the first year of the Corvette. In 1927 the first year of the Corvette. And I got the first one as the least racist lawyer in the south. But still a racist from the second floor.

But still a racist if you don't forget I just ran over a black man and killed him. And the police let me go because he had committed a different crime. And I demanded justice for myself but now I'm second guessing it and now I'm home. That's cool. Thanks for letting me know Atticus. I can help the steps to my... And I'm opening the door over here. And then here's my child, my androgynous daughter sport.

Sport! Hi dad! What is that? Your penis? It's my pussy. Why make a spring noise? I don't know either dad. You'll have to help me I'm blind as you remember from the movie I think. I don't think that's true.

Anyway so you were just asking me how court was today. How was court dad? Bad. The question of whether you're allowed to teach evolution in schools came up. I think there was me and 12 other jurors and we were angry. And one of them... There was a monkey in the courtroom. Where's the monkeys right here dad?

Ah yes the monkeys at our house. That's why I can hear them. Sometimes I forget as a blind man because I've been blinded by the injustice of the racial south. Whether the sounds are... What their context is. Whether they're part of a narrative flashback or happening in the moment as I'm reciting the details of the story. You have to understand anyways. Yeah there was a kid he's on trial for stabbing somebody and there's one guy who's Italian so he's from the slums and he knows how a switchblade works.

And then the guy who does the horses. I'm scowl. That's my daughter scowl Adam. Adam how did you get here? I'm in the mockingbird. It sounds less like Marge and more like Jared from Super Jail. Sort of. It sounds almost exactly like Jared.

My voice is fluid. Yeah. Anyways and then so where are we? In the heat of the night what is this again? So the Puerto Rican kid stabbed someone or something? There was a weird boy named Boop Riley. That's right and the guy that does the voice of Winnie the Pooh says that he was probably innocent. That's right. Well anyways on the way home I ran over this black guy.

Oh man. And he had all these pieces of a shipper robe in his pockets and I thought maybe he stole the shipper robe. Apparently this woman a bitch if you asked him to bust it up for her. And he was fucking her or something and I don't know. That's a really really interesting day dad. And then now I'm remembering it. The husband came home and saw the baby on Joe putting his baby on. The whole baby went in the guy's wife's pussy.

Into the wife's pussy? Honestly I can't fucking remember or something. But the cops let you off? I know maybe you should maybe as my son Adam you should lecture me on why I should really press to be charged or something. Dad you always taught us to do the right thing. You're right I should do the right thing. You kids go hang out with that retard across the street. I'm gonna go back to the courthouse and demand to be thrown in jail. Oh the retard Boop Riley?

And I'm going to be the man that decides to prosecute himself for racism in the south. And I'm the mockingbird. To suck the mockingbird? Wait you said there's a second book? Yeah go kill a watchman. Go kill a watchman. It came out like... Gentlemen we're in the middle of a play.

Oh yeah sorry. Actors don't you understand that? You have to always stay in the drama. Never stop. I'm sorry. Go to court dad. And then I'm in... Bye dad.

Check my corvette to court. And here I am at the courthouse. Drifting to the courthouse. And I'm... Bam! The door's open. Judge... Ah...

Atticus Finch the best fucking... The biggest swinging cock in the whole court. The best motherfucking royal we've ever seen in the south. One of the fucking greatest. What do you want? What's up? What the hell's going on? I ran over some colored guy on the way home.

I want to be put to death for it. What do you mean? I'm charging myself. But you're not the DA. Yes I am. I'm the DA but I'm also... I'm so good at the law that I'm both. I did both.

Your honor. And we're going to have a whole trial where I argue. I do both sides. Against yourself? It's about white fragility. It's because black people are done talking to white people about race. They're done. Captain McCartney?

It's all done. Is that you? Yes. Yes. I was thinking I was on my way home and I thought to myself, what if Dado was black? Would we be okay having him as a slave? A robot slave?

He kind of is one though. That's what I'm getting at. Race. The final frontier. These are the voyages of my Toyota Prius to Portland, Oregon to participate in the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone. Where really I'm just going to see if I can get some tent pussy. I'm trying to get tent stinky tent pussy.

I'm trying to get just disgusting tent pussy. Because I went to Bonnaroo when I was 15 and struck out. And now I can never get it out of my mind. I can't live that down. I'm just getting some nasty dead head pussy. Okay, Atticus. We'll let you have your trial. If only there were some kind of sound effects going on

to make this world more livable for... What it is home. What's up? Just get some cut. Here in the courthouse. Cut you up black, you ain't been cut. Teach your ass how to really catch a nut. Give me your number and I'll call.

While I'm in there, turn down your walls. You can suck them all balls. I'll follow that ass to the mall. Everybody in the neighborhood, everybody... Meanwhile, everybody in the neighborhood take on scary. I don't think so. They call me boo because they think I'm scary, but I'm actually just retarded.

They think I kill penis. Can I see your big retard penis? That's the thing, the surprise twist at the end is that I was the one who raped a woman. They blamed it on the black eye. I turned out to be the secret villain. That's what go catch a watchman's about. That's what go catch the real rapist in the movie.

Is that had to be killed by the retarded raping? Absolutely. And Robert Duvall actually plays Boo Radley. Did you know that? In the movie? That's one of his first roles. Oh wow, I didn't realize. He's like, you gotta play the retard slow.

You gotta play the retard mentally slow. You gotta come in and think about a real, the character has got a real slow mind. What he thinks about things is a real slow down. That's him teaching his seminar on playing a retard. On acting? Yeah. That's Sean Penn.

Yeah. Attended? Yeah. If I wanted to play a retard like you did, and yeah, there's probably a big set of colors, can you tell me how to play a retard? I can't do Sean Penn at all. I can do Chris Penn.

Okay. It's me, Chris Penn, standing in for my brother Sean. I'm Chris Penn. I'm Chris Penn, and I'm fucking, I'm Sean Penn. I'm Chris Penn from Corky Romano, and I'm gay secretly. And I'm gay secretly. That's the joke.

Yeah, and he can't read, right? Oh yeah, he can't read. He's hilarious. Oh man, what do you order? Ladies and gentlemen, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Look at that. Look at that. It just pans out and it says vanilla and chocolate. Let me get a pistachio. Yeah, yeah. A pistachio. That's at the Corky Romano. A great movie.

Yeah, it's very funny. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're about to witness a trial never before seen in the state of Tex, Texarkana. Texas. Mississippi. Texas.

Texas. Here in the southern city of Philadelphia. It was a gusty wind. Let's sand. There's sand. There's a sand storm in the trial and we're all entering a biblical journey through the Baja. I took mescaline before the trial to thoroughly dissociate so that I could play the role of

the most prosecutor and counsel for the defense. No one has ever attempted this before, but I'm putting myself on trial for racism because it's more important that we show internal accountability, especially while on drugs. Then it is for us to lecture others because societal change only comes through the man directed outwards. And what I did and I admit to it, objection, your honor, I don't want to admit to it. But I don't.

Yeah, who's the judge? I'm the judge. Anyways, our first witness is the retard from across the street. You may approach the bench or the chair. The stand. That's right. That's what it's called. Thank you.

Can I ask you a question, judge? No, the lawyer asks you a question. But I just have a question real quick. Okay, real quick. Go ahead. I'm the other judge. Yeah, we got two judges here. It's a two-judge situation.

There's one attorney and two judges. It's bizarre record. It's very good. It's a Napoleonic code in this state. We have one straight judge and one gay judge. Am I allowed to go to the bathroom in the seat? No. No, you may not.

You can use Judge Adams' mouth. In that case, I request a mistrial. You're not the lawyer, boy. I've already gone to the bathroom in the seat. Atticus, your witness is being retarded right now. Objection from the judge, the witness is being retarded. Your honor, at least allow me to cross examine him first. You haven't examined him yet, Mr. Picard.

Mr. Radley, can I call you boo? Do you mind if I call you boo? Oh, you're asking me? Yes. Yeah, they caused me that. And why do they call you boo? And he looks, you know, towards the jury. Eyebrow raised.

Because I'm scary, because I'm retarded. That's right. And is there anyone in this courtroom that's scary to you? Yeah. Do you mind pointing them out for us? And then boo Radley pointed at the black guy who isn't on trial, who was just there for some reason, even though he had been run over by Atticus Finch.

And why does he scare you? Because he's a ghost. And maybe that's the lesson we can all learn, is that it's not black people that scare us, but ghosts. And we often, because they're dark, we think that, you know, that they come from ghost town. Right. Yeah.

Case closed. Really, you don't want to... Are you sure you don't want to ask any more questions or present any more witnesses in this trial you demanded of yourself? It's the British judge. Please join us. It's me, the British judge. There's now three judges.

You can tell he's British. And it's where in a week. There's a secret clause hidden in the Constitution that says if a man ever goes on trial for himself, that British law supersedes American law, and it's our way of sneaking back in after the revolution. Well, Atticus, what have you done? Because we knew that racism in America's attempt

to dismantle it would always bring down. And that's why we intentionally lost the Revolutionary War, which was baked into the American genesis, was an inherent contradiction of equality while upholding slavery, and something along those lines. But we're back, is the point. And now we're British. It's the 60s or 50s or 40s.

It's the year of the Corvette. And now we're back. And I have my own Corvettes. And I'm going to drive it. And I'm gay. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm going to have a man on his phone. And one more thing.

And by the way, I forgot to mention, I am gay. And there's surprise. Mr. Fish, what have you done? Even when the British are back and this time we're gay. We're going to have sex with all of the guys. We're going to have gay sex. Bring about 400 years of gay British rule. Like you've never seen.

And by the way, I'm gay. Mr. Finch, do you... In Councilor... Wow, this has been the Come Town Players present. We're fucking the birds. But perhaps... Fuck the birds. If you enjoyed tonight's presentation of the Come Town Players NPR broadcast,

to kill a marking bird for memory, join us next week for Glen Garrettly Mass. Hey, will you drink coffee, you fucking faggot? Hey, what are you... I'm not touching no Indians. Yeah, something like that. I'm mad that you made me call Indian guy. The three letters, A, B, C. What the hell is this?

You come into this office, you think you can talk to me like this? You fucking piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. There's shitty pieces inside of that piece of shit. Are you fucking... That shit that you shit out, you fucking cocksucker. I'm a man, god damn it.

David Mamet was one of the greatest writers. David Mamet's monologue he wrote for Alec Baldwin's character, who didn't appear in the initial plays, regarded as one of the greatest pieces of American writing of all time. And let's see an excerpt now, if you can forget. What do you want to sell stuff? Well, too bad you can't, because your dick's too fucking small, you're a fucking pussy.

Well, you got a problem with that? Why don't you take a look at this watch? How about I take it off, shove it so far up your fucking ass, you know, you're fucking... You'll be telling time with your tonsils. It tastes like fucking, you know, minutes. It tastes like shit in the mirror. You guys, you fucking piece of shit.

How about I shove this fucking watch so far up your fucking bitch ass, and it tastes like fucking alarm clocks. Then you're fucking throwing up fucking tiny gears, fucking gears coming out of your ears. Gears for ears, you fuck. Let's go to the board, ABC. You know what that stands for? You fucking retards.

You fucking, I'm talking to you. You piece of shit. What's your name, Levine? What's that, Jewish? What is that, a fucking Jew name? Yeah, yeah. Where'd you get that? The fucking, at the same place this guy got his watch?

That I'm putting in his ass. By the way. Where'd you get that name? The same place I left my watch is up this guy's watch store. What do you do? What did this guy do? Shit out watch pieces all over your birth certificate? And that's your name?

His fucking watching McJew face? Is you? What's that stand for? Always B, B, C, closing. Closing what? Your fucking mouth. All right? When I'm in here, when a man's speaking,

you can do one thing. You're going to open your mouth and put my fucking cock in it. Outside of that, your mouth stays closed until it's question time. And that's when I ask you the questions. Papa. And then you better, the only time you open your mouth is to pull out little pieces of a watch. And that's only if I put it in your ass, by the way.

That's who I put it. Now I gotta go, I'm going back to work. See you guys later. Be astounded. Alec Baldwin is amazing. Five stars. The greatest scenes in American history. They say it's similar to...

The Gettysburg Address. But without all that gay shit. If the Gettysburg Address got pussy, it would be Alec Baldwin's speech. And that was the Come Towns presentation of Dangerously Exotic. Ah, fuck, dude. Oh, Marquis, meet me in the powder room. I'm putting arsenic in my penis holes.

I guess you could say it's a dangerous liaison. Whatever the fuck that movie's about. Dude, I've never seen it. My brother was watching. When I was in Baltimore, my brother was watching Amadeus. His wife in that movie has some of the biggest, most juicy titties. That movie has a lot of juicy titties. But if you like juicy titties, you'll love cushy drinks.

That's right. Absolutely. I don't know about you guys, but I love juicy titties, I love cushy drinks, and I love that they have high quality motherfucking CBD products. Because look, I don't know about you guys. Smokeable CBD. I'm tired of gummies and vapes.

Right? I'm sick and fucking tired of it. What do I want? I want to smoke my fucking CBD. And that's what fucking cushy dreams allows. I'm trying to get fucked in my ass about fucking CBD. I'm trying to get my asshole absolutely obliterated by a fucking nice pre-rolled joint of CBD.

I'm trying to have sex. And guess what? Cushy dreams has that. Where the fuck is a goddamn cushy dreams copy, man? I lose this shit every time. It's because I'm so fucked up on their shit that gets you 100% high as fuck. It does not get you high.

No, I'm sorry. But it gets you feeling nice. Here's the thing, ladies and... or fellas, when you take a girl home, you want to have absolutely zero... Well, here's the thing. There's zero shadow of a doubt that she is in any way, shape, or form impaired, right?

So you want to put on a little nog-chomp, roll up a little... Cushy dreams, we sell inert roofies. Right. If you can't get out of it, if you can't get hard without secretly slipping something into a woman's drink. Exactly.

If you're a former date rapist, and you're trying to work your low-vian reaction to slipping something in a woman's drink where you get hard. Cushy dreams has pills for that. I'd be like, yeah, I can't get hard without pills. Oh, I don't take them. I didn't mean pills for me.

Man, yeah. So listen, Cushy fucking dreams. This is so many of the things that's what people mean when they say dick pills. They're like, oh, yeah. Oh, we could just openly talk about it. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, I get it.

Yeah, they're like, we went on that website. They didn't have any GHB for sale anywhere. Well, they have non-psychoactive GHB. Nogchampa is what it's called. What's Nogchampa for real? Some Indian incense. Yeah, it's like a flavor of incense. And what?

It gets you horny? Yeah, it's like, uh, it gets, it gets you real loose. Oh, nice. Yeah, it really sets the mood. Did you realize? You are? Did you realize? Sometimes it's like, I gotta cool it.

I gotta cool it with the F's. Yeah. Bum, bum, bum. It's fun to say. But sometimes, because a little too much. But listen, right now, we're not talking about slurs. We're talking about cushy dreams. Some of the fucking most luxurious, high-quality,

smokable CBD in the fucking, in the whole goddamn planet. That's right. If you live in America, they'll ship that shit right to your fucking door. They got pre-rolls. One of my favorite things about cushy dreams is how much excess packaging they come in. That's right. You get a plastic tube. You get a plastic stopper on the end.

It's covered in a fucking like, like, you know, they seal it all up. Like, I guess maybe it's to avoid. Yes. But if there's a thing in there that tells like the postman, like, this isn't weed. Yeah. Because the thing is, it smells like high-quality marijuana. It tastes like it. Yeah.

But it's not. But it doesn't get you high, baby. It gets you feeling right. Yeah. You know what? I mean, because oil, honestly, is bullshit. Oil does not work. Yes, sir.

I found some old oil lying around. And I was like, let me see. CBD oil? Yeah. I was like, let me just put this in my, like, smoothie. And what it does is it ruins. It makes smoothie taste like dog shit. It destroys it.

But the smokable shit, that's the way, because that's the way the drugs wanted to be done by themselves. Exactly. The drugs that wanted to touch. That's the way Mother Gaia intended for you to smoke. They don't want you to touch the leaf that we've been given by Jaws. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It is a gift. It's all about peace and love and smoking, smoking CBD. Mm-hmm. God, can you imagine how fucking annoying the 60s were? So annoying. I mean, I could like, it's weird because if I had to be around those people, I would be like, fuck it, I'm going to join the CIA and figure out a way to kill these people. Yep.

Okay. I woke up my hair, I'll fucking, I'll take the fucking test, whatever the gay test. I'll learn. Get a fucking suit. I'll figure out who fucking, you know, the mayor fucking. Helsinki. Yeah. Whatever bullshit I need to do to get into the state department so I can kill these people.

No. I'll do it. And it has not, fuck this country, fuck it all the way through its ass. Right. But fuck these people more. Fuck the hippies. Yeah. Fuck that.

Mm-hmm. God, just the worst. I agree with you. Yep. I agree with you. Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams. Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams so they didn't have to open their mind's eye. They could just chill the fuck out and shut up.

Just chill out and have a nice time. I like smoking the pre-rolls, I like, they come in eighths as well. Mm-hmm. You can fucking make some into, you know, something else. Like other stuff. Mm-hmm. Angel dust and CBD. You know what I'm saying?

Which pretty much cuts the angel dust in half. It cuts it in half. Smoked cess and CBD. You know, you can, you can dip a fucking joint in fucking. Yeah. So they got tins that are like an eighth or whatever. 3.5. Yeah.

And then they got the pre-rolls. Yeah. 3.5 is just like Adam's penis. Yeah. They've got. That's right. I got an eighth of a dick. They've got.

Fuck. They got basically. Nick just pulled a dildo out of his ass. Yeah. Just like a, like a bunch of handkerchiefs, like a clown. Yeah. What the fuck? Oh yeah.

I forgot to tell you guys, I got into magic. Dude, you're fucking magic. It would be so funny to like, if you just didn't care about like anything, just like spending years as a clown to get hired at like demonstration day at an elementary school and your grand finale is just pulling out of your ass, showing your asshole, like spreading your asshole wide and then having a midget pull them out in front of the kids while your balls flap in the wind, please dragging you away. You're like, don't let go.

And the midgets holding on as they separate you, being dragged off in separate directions. The midgets holding on. No. No, no, no, no. Go ahead and separate us. It's just going to make it worse. Tell them CJ, you fucking tell those pigs. Black lives matter.

Black lives matter, kids. Fuck the police. FTP. Your ass is out. Your ass is out. Your ass is out. You're like, hey, cab. Hey, cab.

All cops are bastards. Fuck the police. Black lives matter. These fucking four year olds are looking at your nuts. I'm scared. Fascist. Fascist. Yeah.

You believe this story, it came out, there's a fucking, he's a clown saying black lives matter and he's pulling handkerchiefs out of his ass in front of a bunch of four year olds. I didn't make this up. Children. I saw it on, on Yahoo News. Somebody told me there was one of the, one of the only respectable outlets. Yahoo News.

I read it every day. Yeah. I go to cushydreams.com and I say, I use, I type in promo code either come town or come town 20. I think it's come town. It might, it's probably come town. Try and both. Try and both.

One of them works. And you will enjoy 20% off. 20% off or something along those lines. It's a good deal. It's a good deal. Especially, I think it might be free ship, free shipping, free shipping, free shipping, free shipping, and folks that way tell you, Reeth's hard Trump.

That was a surprise. Downsville Trump. Oh yeah. One of the most difficult verses to do. There's so much nuance to that character. There's a lot of nuance to it, but it's doable. Downsville Trump. You know, a lot of, it's a miracle.

It's a miracle how they do these things. They've got markers that smell like the things that they are. It says oranges on there. You smell, it smells like oranges. So go to cushydreams.com. Cushydreams.com. Promote code. Promote code.

Come town. Come town or come town. And you'll get some sort of deal. And enjoy a deal of some kind. Of a deal. For a high quality, smokable CBD. Whether it be free shipping or a discount on your. And listen, the important thing to remember is smoke your CBD.

Yeah. Because you can. Because you can. Because you can. Damn, we almost forgot to say the tag. Shots out to Teflon Don Joe Biden. His best friends with this, this black lives matter clown. By this point, dude, when this comes out, trouble be doing fucking chin ups in the White

House again. He's going to be fucking. Because this is what this is Monday, this comes out Wednesday. So what could happen is that he's like, oh, I'm fine. And then he just dies. That would be so funny. He just gets way worse and died. Him dying would be an incredible, like an incredible end to the bit.

Oh my God. Bravo. Maestro. And then it's like dumbass children trying to run for opposite. It doesn't work because they don't have the swag. Yeah, they don't. They think they're just as good as they don't have the spritzatura. Maybe Ivanka has a little bit of, she's got a little double sum.

I'll show you. You'll show me. I'll show her. She does have big ass breasts. Does she have big breasts? I mean, come on. I want to look the family is, you know, I want to get. I want to get online people are like, he wants to fuck his daughter.

He wants to titty fuck his daughter. Pull her clothes off and jam his dick into her pussy. And they're fucking in the oval office and he's got her up on the day. He puts her on the desk and he spreads her legs and he's, he starts off licking, gets her wet first by licking her pussy. And he's licking on, and he's her father and he's fucking licking all over his pussy. And then he's fucking her, but he goes too hard by accident. She starts crying and then he pulls his dick out and he says mouth fucking her until the tears stop and then she shits all over his chest. And then it's like, what do you do?

What? And you know he wants that. You know he wants that. Yeah. That's what he wants because he's sick. Because he's fucking his, he's a sick man. He's a fucked up man. He's evil.

Just, just stick to your clown act, please. Please just do the act. Please we hired you here. Cut his mic. This is the first week elementary schools have been open since March. We have no money. I just want to make the kids happy with some clowns. Yeah.

All of the money went to build the New York City Police Department a new gym. The police officers state of the art. The police obviously said, well, we'll defund the police, but the police are getting their own laser tag and go cart facility. That will, the entire facility will be built on top of the South Bronx so that it blocks out the sun. And then here police department. We're hired. No new officers. No new officers.

But they have their own Dave and Buster's. They basically, there's everything from that movie blank check. Yeah. They got the. Each precinct gets their own blank check house. The New York NYPD is, it's basically that movie blank check. If the kid's like, what if I could, what if I could put a 12 year old black kid in a chokehold because he didn't pay for the subway. Yep.

They got, they got their own David Buster's and Bill de Blasio thanked them for their tireless service while they spit in his mouth. Bill de Blasio. Bill who let the dogs out de Blasio. Why bill de Blasio? Why don't you just go all the way? My name is Africa. You should become Africa. Bumbado.

Yeah. That should build Bumbado. And my name is Africa Bronx. He was just like a black woman's name. My name is Asia. La la temptation. I'm from the de Blasio house. This is voguing.

People are dying of it. It's the honor to honor the essential workers I'm dressing up like bit Davis and hanging out in front of the strand. I'll be voguing in front of the strand in pumps and no pant, no just panties. Sure panties. We're going to take this city back. Fuck dude. I'm hoping the shit stays open. It's been very nice around here recently dude.

Indoor dining is back. Have you indoor dined? Yeah. I wanted to get food the other day. They're saying they're going to close it all down again. Yeah I know. Really? Why?

You should pop it off. Damn dude. I want to do comedy. I had so much fun in Philadelphia. Shout out to everybody who came out of Philadelphia. Shout out to the three guys that all kissed. I have to say there were three. I asked the audience if anyone had ever had a threesome and then three guys raised their hands and I asked them who they had threesome with and they pointed to each other.

That's really cool. They all fucked before coming to the show. There were just three gay guys hanging out and becoming, there's three fellas playing fucking Gamecube and sucking each other off. They were nerds. They had a little bit of, I would say they had a little nerd stank to them. They looked like three regular ass white guys and then they were just all, happened to be homosexuals that Aaron's a gay triad. To answer your question, I had to have no idea what's going on. The guy at the coffee shop said that they were closing everything down.

Okay. Because they finally opened it back up. I'm like, because it was like curbside bullshit or whatever and now you can go in the place. And I was like back inside, you know, and he was like, yep. And I was like almost back to normal. He was like, no, they're shutting it all down. Really? And I was like, oh, he's like, yeah, cases are going up.

It's worth it. I was like, it honestly is. I was like, it's a fake virus to hurt the president. Thanks for the coffee. It's fake. And you can't hurt him. And you're just trying to hurt him. And he's going to survive.

Black lives matter. Just leave. Just scream. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I'm going to get, I'm going to make like make America great again. Say black lives matter. You'll make a million dollars. Yeah.

People love parody. Make America. I hate those. They stink. They're terrible. But people have never been a good one. They look like you. It doesn't.

No one can tell. No, you just look like like a Trump fan. Yeah. And then if you get close up enough to them, then you're like, oh, you're just a loser. Nice. Yeah. Very clever. That's a lot of money out there.

That's almost as good as my idea for the fucking laser pointer. That's the Batman logo. So your cat chases it around. Like Batman would. Why haven't you done that yet, dude? There's a lot of things I should do, you know? That's true. That's a, that's a probably a 10 year old idea you've had.

Yeah. I bet you got a lot of 10 year old ideas. No, I know what I mean. Shut up. You're having sex with them. I mean, actually, I think actually it's just one. Yeah. That's the only one you have, Adam.

To have sex with a 10 year old. Yeah. By the way, I knew, I do think Philly's cool. I remember we had this conversation maybe a year ago and I was like, Philly's not that cool, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Philly's all right. Oh, it looks like we got a little Mindo Chango going on here. Somebody's got a magic trick of their own.

I'm just, I'm a guy who's open to new experiences. To being wrong. And had a great time over in the ill of Delf. Did you hit an ill of Delf balling down there? Hell yeah, dude. Three percolators. Three percolators. A couple of Keef catchers.

Ice catcher. Ice catcher. Got put a little bit of put a little bit of ever clear. Oh, yeah. In the in the water part is to get drunk. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Oh, suck my pussy. I've been like off. Fuck my fucking pussy. I just open it again and it's immediately at the refinery 29. That's your favorite. And it's, I mean, it's just, it's truly bizarre. It's a screen cap of an Alicia Silverstone tweet. Respect.

And then. She was bad girl. Right. It's first of all, they screen capped an Alicia Silverstone tweet and then just put it over some shitty graphic in the background. So it looks like somebody did some kind of work and then they put their own watermark on her tweet. No.

Yeah. What's the tweet say? It says the face you make when someone says climate change isn't real. And then the eye roll emoji hashtag mood and then a picture of herself from clueless rolling her eyes. Oh my God. And then refinery 29's caption is as if you've got to be kidding me. So they think somebody's making $90,000 a year.

It's why refinery 29 is fascinating to me is because it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's weird. It's like a, it's, it's like a, like a tone you can't hear anymore. You know what I mean? It's like, I read these, I read these and I'm like, it's like somebody saying like, what's that noise? And you're like, what noise? And I know that sounds schizophrenic.

Well, to me, it seems like something that's old, like an old tone. It sounds like BuzzFeedy almost, but it's beyond. But it's not like it's an affronistic, right? That yes, but it's also like, it's just, it's a little anachronistic. It's like a fucking, I may have even said it described it in this way before, but it's like a fucking, like a silent scream almost. It's like, no, that's how you feel. You feel powerless to do anything about it.

No, no, no, that has nothing to do with the way I do. No. Yes, you do. You said it earlier. The girls were refinery 29. I'm not. You're, you're annoying me because I'm trying to express what this is. Because I'm telling the truth.

No, because you're doing the, actually your dick is small thing in the middle of me just trying to articulate a thought. Well, by the way, your dick is small. We can get to that later. We can talk about me being afraid of the refinery 29 girls later. Are you scared of them? Because of your dick, because they laughed at his dick. Because I had sex with all of them.

Yeah, but they said it was funny. Especially the fat ones. God, can you imagine the girl that made that though? Can you imagine who she is? Yeah. Her name's probably like Bart. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God. My name's Bart. Bart was her last name. Friedland. Something Jewish. Yeah. Some Jewish shit. Yeah.

Yeah. She went to NY. My name's Bart Cohen. Oh, yeah. I majored in sex in the city. I just got my braces off and had them replaced with a different kind of braces. The watermark is the best part. I own a watermark.

I have a fun social media job and then I go home and strike out on Tinder every night while getting drunk off wine from the bodega. Just another night here in Bushwick. Man, yeah, but it's cool that you're scared of them. I'm not scared of them. You should get married to them. You're scared because you love them. Yeah.

Jeremiah sucked my dick off. How about I would, you know what I would love taking a gun out and putting it to your head and pulling the fucking trigger. Wow. Blowing your fucking brains out. Come on, dude. That's what I would be in love with. You know what I get married to?

You don't have to get something. You know what I get married to? My dick and balls. Fucking booing knife and jamming it into your fucking skull. Come on. Looks like we hit a nerve at him. It looks like I'm just making scared of the refire. 29 girls.

I've never even, I don't even know what that website is. I've never even heard of the fucking thing. Dude, chill out. Nick is shaking right now. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. You're literally shaking.

I'm not. You're literally. I have Parkinson's. No, you don't. I have Parkinson's because I was never afraid of anything. And so I ate a bunch of chemicals when I was younger on a day. Whoa. You have Parkinson's anytime you look at the refinery 29 girls.

No, I always have Parkinson's. No, you don't shake when you look at other stuff. Wait a minute, Marty. You got Parkinson's? You got Parkinson's? I didn't know you were retarded. That's fucking gay. What the fuck, Marty?

That's the gayest shit I've ever heard. I'm going to the future and I'm going to slap your shaky ass. I'm going to slap the Parkinson's out of you. I'm going to slap the block off your ass, Marty. Shit, I guess. Time to talk about a little website called mybookie.ag. All right. Mybookie.ag.

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Bet on which one of your friends you're going to just lazily nut it. A lazy nut inside of. And then say I'm probably sterile because why wouldn't I be at this point? Let me tell you this, it's certainly not in my heart or my soul to father a child. You can keep it, I guess. I don't care. I don't give a shit. Whatever.

You want 50 bucks a month, who cares? Okay, I think somehow I can manage being a weekend dad and not end up as a fucking piece of shit deadbeat. The fantasy I have is the kids happy to see me once every six months. You can bet on all of that. I'm still going to midnight releases at the best price. Just to see what's going on. Not even to buy anything. Because I like the vibe.

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Make sure you do it right because A, there's something that happens that's some kind of benefit for you. And B, and much more importantly, they contract to make sure we did our jobs. That we did because this podcast is not about being funny. It's about selling gambling websites. Selling your dickpeels, gambling websites. Dickpeels, fake drugs.

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I cannot wait. If you rape enough guys, they let you get pussy. They put me in Gulag where they fuck my butt chicks. They fucked my butt chicks. They beat me over and they say you have been dissident and now it is time to get fucked in your butt chicks. Why do you fuck me in my butt chicks? My butt chicks.

They put a penis in my butt chicks. I become so painfully fucked in my butt chicks that I cannot walk. I try to take a shit in my ass. My butt chicks are so much that I shit out of my own mouth, out comes tiny watch pieces. I don't know. It's like I become Alec Baldwin.

I am coming to buy Alec Baldwin. From movie how you say Ross Gary Glenn Grossie. Ross the grassy. Glenn Gary then Degrassi. Glenn Gary Degrassi. Glenn Gary Glenn. Wait, no it's in there somewhere. Glenn Gary.

Whatever that mashup of. Glenn Gary Degrassi. Glenn Gary then Degrassi. Degrassi. Glenn D. Grassy Del Grassy. Glenn Degrassi Grangrossi. That's it. Whatever it takes. I know I'm gonna make it through you hear that you fucking piece of shit

We can't be the best you better be what's your fucking ass? I know I can make it through I watched like five episodes of the grassy I've been watched every episode. Yeah, he loves it. It's a great job. You saw the one with Drake on shot. Yeah Yeah, yeah, classic, you know, he is shot by it's so funny, dude There's like a fat girl character on the show. Oh, yeah And then there's like a freak nerd and then the freak nerd starts dating the fat girl character And they make fun of him and then he starts beating her whoa And he likes bounces her head off a piece of concrete

She's just off the show And then he's still in school and people go back to bullying him for like beating the girl to death and then he brings a gun to school and he's like, this is what you get for laughing at me and Drake's like I ain't trying to get no shot in no dance school I ain't trying to get no damn shot in no dance school. This is what you get Shot me in my mother fucking ass I got shot in my mother fucking boy, you chiefs Yeah

But the bullet goes into his ass Whatever man, okay, he's in a wheelchair But that's like a children's show like there's no brass. It's teenagers. What are you like a fucking teenager or something? You call yourself a teenager you piece of shit They fuck me in my part of that part of that speech part of that speech Alec Baldwin just turns around he goes You hear me you fucking faggot Really? Yeah For real, that's just part of it

Damn hell yeah, yeah, the brat would say brass balls or something. Yeah You need brass balls, you know what you need to do that You need a pair of you need a pair of nuts This is Michael don't listen at all You know what you have to do you have to you know what you need you have to get it's not just about making sales It's about having sex Every every sale I've been on every sit I went down It's a woman great it's a man a couple a lot of sex with both of them I've had sex

Made love to every one of my clients. That's why I close sales I'm sure what you're thinking you're sitting there. What is this guy some kind of faggot? What is this guy just he's just Sucking people off to get them to make real estate deals sure you look at it that way The other way you can look at it is I'm the guy that's keeping his job Because I do what it asks I have to Man does we have to do this man basically a prostitute. Yeah Alex Baldwin comes in who the fuck is this?

I'm sorry. Where am I? I think I'm in the wrong office. You fellas need head. Yeah, I'll do you all 50 a pop I'll leave but let me ask you this first isn't even trying to get the dick $5 Levine's about to raise his hand What the hell is this this guy just comes in the office tries to suck everybody's dick for $5 You don't like it pal. You can suck your own dick You can make a lot of their own dick You'd have sex

I'm here to have sex I'm here to get fucked in my ass My least favorite character in that movie the lady who steals a sale from Fucking Pacino dude, but making her husband say no Mm-hmm. You remember that. Yeah all ladies and all of David man, but things are villains or dumb stupid villain I love that the end of House of Games were Joe Montaigne you just get shot and he's just like you fucking bitch It was you you fucking bitch

Yeah, whatever that's the ending. Yeah, the whole time it was you we couldn't figure out who it was But it was you you fucking slut you fucking bitch Powerful me look at I'm just gonna watch this calling a woman a bitch Nothing bet there's no better way to fucking own her ass even if she's killing you Yeah, it's called House of Games a house of games ever see it now. I like that movie. Oh Great a commercial What's it a commercial? I don't know every fucking commercial now is like is a black three. It's just a fucking ad for Kamala Harris It's Kamala Harris putting people in jail in slow motion

It's like the Jeep Grand Cherokee You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention Are you nuts? What are you nuts? I want you to beg me fuck you. I'm not gonna beg you for a goddamn thing Thank me. It's a goddamn bluff You're all bluff. What are you gonna kill me and then go to jail? Give up all that good shit that you have your best seller and doctor stuff all that stuff You're trying so hard to protect you're gonna give that up. It's not my pistol. I was never here Thank for your life, I'm going to kill you. Hey

No, I can't help it. I'm out of control. Hey, no, I thank me for your life Hey, fuck you. You always wanted your crooked bitch. You always need to get caught because you know you're bad I never hurt anybody. I never shot anybody. You sought this out. This is what you always wanted I know it the first time you came in. You're worthless. You know what? You're a whore. Fuck with its own vomit. You sick bitch. I'm not gonna give you a shit. Yeah, I forgot that that's the final line is thank you sir may I have another when she shot him like three times Who is the who's the bitch lady? I don't know that actress's name Lindsay Crouse Fucking you

You're a bitch. You're a bitch. What are you gonna do? Give it up. Give up everything all that doctor stuff The best seller I mean, I like really enjoy David Mamet, but it's funny because it's so easy to like Just tear his shit apart. Yeah, I mean it. Yeah, but it's good. I don't understand why you know Sometimes dude the best shit. I've watched I've watched House of Games probably like 15 times and every time I'm like This is autistic. This is fucking autistic writing and acting, but fuck if I don't enjoy Hmm, you were drawn to autistic writing. I guess they got movies now. Let me tell you I guess that one's that'll be on the premium. Oh, is that the other one? Yeah Yeah, who fucking even knows I like that. I wish that I wish that that episode had just been entirely bad and we could

surgically remove that bit and put it in this one, right? So if you guys are waiting for the premium this week, which you can always get by going to patreon Come down And forking up five bucks a fucking month. Yeah, just skip ahead until you hear the Donald Trump impression Skip ahead so you hear the I Don't even remember. I ain't giving you shit. You fucking whore bitch you bitch whore You're bluffing it's just a bluff. It's all a big bluff. What are you gonna do kill me and then go to jail? Like some kind of bitch. It's not my gun. I was never here

Mmm That seems like a fun movie, but now I know the ending damn. I'm trying to have diarrhea I had a bunch of ice cream. I will when I go home nice It's funny. I like I never thought I was lactose intolerant or whatever But like Scott Chapman was telling me he's like, yeah, I didn't think so either But this doctor lady told me that if your stomach's like distended all the time It's because you're having some kind of like gastric allergy, and I'm like, oh, I'm like that constantly. Oh shit. Yeah That's because you're a quarter Jewish. Well, I never I never went

I don't think I'm lactose intolerant But I think I might have like a mild peanut allergy or something a peanut because I get that shit when I fucking like you got a Half a jar of peanut butter Well, you're not sure you have a jar. What do you mean? I'm not supposed to do shut once you shut up You fucking bitch That's what you're gonna do. You're gonna tell me how much peanut butter I can eat We're gonna tell me how much I can eat like some kind of fucking whore would Fuck you. I'll eat as much peanut butter as I want

I've ever seen has Joan Montana ever been good in anything. He was good in the midnight dancer trilogy What was the midnight dancer one midnight dancer to it's 1 a.m. Now at midnight dancer 3 holy shit I've been dancing till 7 a.m. The third one obviously the best of the series That's where he breaks his legs tap dancing and he has to get a job sucking dick in a real estate office Oh, and the Glenn of playing in Ross office. Joe Montana was you know doing house of games at the time So they had to get Michael Douglas to play the iconic role of the cock-sucking legless man Hmm. Oh, I didn't even realize he was a legless. The may have just now noticed that I don't have legs The forms are so powerful

It didn't even think I lost my legs sitting around like some kind of Vietnam crybaby No, I was dancing Like some kind of pussy some kind of gay bitch I was dead danced all night long the way a man I Like some bitch would I don't dance for fun. I do it because it's a job. I do it because it brings home the bacon You think I'm some slut there's going out with her friends to dance maybe get fucked at the end of the night Dancing for work. I'm dancing for Mitch and Murray

I'm dancing for the guys down at the the the shop the union bosses. Uh-huh. That's who I'm dancing for Oh, yeah, I'm dancing for all the guys who got sucked into machines Back with fellas like us. They had nothing to dance for they were making pennies on the hour And that's how I lost my legs This day, okay, can you get the fuck out of here so I can do my speech No one wants you to suck that cock. No one cares You're just dragging a legless Michael Douglas out of the office. Remember black lives matter. Oh Cops up bastards all cops bastards black lives matter

Fuck Adam with his gas little quarter Royce Stop calling them gay, dude. Sorry. I must they're nice You need to get them tailored. I might need to get them tailored slightly. You smell that little fart Just escaped my ass. Yeah, I farted early in the episode and you know that you said anything I thought it was very professional of you didn't hear it It was an SBD. It probably just fucking slid out of your ass stop. Can you give me a ride home? Yeah, thank you Hello, everyone. Well, it looks like we're wrapping up. So go to stavey-dop is and buy some fucking tickets to see me

I'm gonna be in where are you gonna be stop by the time this comes out with the woo-ha-ha in Worcester, Mass We've got some tickets left for the five o'clock show the early show And then I'm gonna be at Royersford PA on the 16th, and then at McGoobys Joe cows good old Baltimore Halloween weekend So come suck me off buy some fucking shirts over there all that good stuff And I'll fuck you suck my dick Etc. And if you want t-shirts come downtown We got Nick's got some good ones boy. Pussy Adam. Oh, yeah, I forgot I sell t-shirts If you want some boy pussy Adam. Freedland

It's also just a suggestion If you don't have to I would I would definitely recommend just Getting off your phone permanently I'll just stop using the internet. You're saying that to the listener I because I really have like had like a clean break for the most part. Yeah, it's like you've been good It's honestly, I mean it's it really is like I just kind of like it ran out It there's nothing I can extract from it anymore The point of the internet is to find the clip where Joan, Montana calls a woman a bitch

And that's it dude. Maybe you check in and you just fucking look at that and then you just go right back to like I'll do a crossword or something if you can figure out if you I feel great I mean, I don't feel great. I feel like normal, you know, yeah, yeah I know I was off when I was at Baltimore and it's creeping back in I'm gonna get off again Yeah, it's gotta put the phone down and like because once you separate from it for a little bit You don't miss it. Yeah, you don't you really But it also just it's so easy to slide back in yeah I mean the best way to do it is like I found is just leave your phone at home and go for like a

45-minute walk in the morning like wake up early Yeah, start your day off if you can like not look at your phone first thing in the morning and then figure out a way to just like have a coffee go for a Walk or like, you know on your commute or whatever you're fucking doing Just like don't check the phone in the morning and then see if you can make once you start making it to like a mid-day And it's easy. Mm-hmm. You know, I mean you just stop giving a shit. Mm-hmm. It's fucking boring I know it's just yeah, check out a book called the Turner Diaries also What's that? Oh, it's like a racist book

I don't think you should do that. Well, it's a book. It's a book, you know, I mean, it's better than It's better than using a racist phone. Yeah, it's made out of Chinese people That is and African batteries. That's his whole thing is. Yes, just African and Chinese people. Yes, that's true I don't even see this. I just see you boy. Jing chong I don't what it is.