The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 232 – the end of politics

Episode Date: November 5, 2020

we can go back to normal now thanks.

I'm breaking election news. You're gay if you voted. The polls show that one hundred percent of voters in one hundred percent of precincts are homosexual men. Turns out you're a fucking loser in this country sucks. We just found this out yesterday. Anyways we push this one so we could so we could we could provide the last election. I guess hailed results. We did it right after the election. I guess we were mad or something. I mean I was I was 28 years old. So that was the that was the last year. I was I was only forty one. Yeah. Yeah. You were 20. No. Yeah. Twenty seven. Twenty seven. Twenty seven. I don't know something like that. The same fucking same shit. Almost twenty seven is the end

of being young. Twenty eight is the beginning of being old. Where'd you read that. It doesn't feel that way. The sisterhood of the traveling doesn't feel that way. The sisterhood of the the black guy they all pass around. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. They run a train. That'd be awesome. Yeah. I would love to be past around. I would love to be for the whole team. You know the way rappers say a woman is for the team like super head like super head. I would love to be for the whole team. You want to be tried out by a group of women. Yeah. I love that dude. Yeah. Just to be like a bachelor party. They have they get they rent a cabin. I get a small bedroom. We all have pancakes together. They all suck my dick. I eat their pussies

for a long time till my jaw hurts. Yeah. See every woman I have sex with I tell them afterwards. Now I could kill you at any point. Your life belongs to me. And I'm choosing not only after you have sex with us. OK. And I give them a ring that glows when I need a favor. Oh and it's not necessarily sexual. They only know each other because one will say the other. The sun is shining. And then the other responds the ice is slippery. OK. I've never had sex but I imagine if I did. Right. Right. That would be the thing that kind of my move. That's smart. Yeah. I like that idea. Mm hmm. And let every every woman know that you've used them. Yeah. My are no more good. My sex move is is following women around. Mm hmm.

And then in trapping them into a grand scheme of mutual favors among a network of children of the night. That's awesome bro. Yeah. The shadow knows. Yeah. They all get little fucking nicknames. Well I'm the shadow. You're the shadow. Oh OK. Well anyway that's Nick's thing. My thing if you're a group of if you let's say three to four three to seven women whatever and all of you sort of want to fuck me and you're having some kind of girls weekend let me know. I'm also willing to financially pitch in. We can split it. That's the thing as a groupie as someone who's going to get tried out. I'm actually you don't have to pay for my stuff. I'll pay my own way. I just want to get fucked by all you know six or seven

friends at a time. So anyway and and that's the kind of America that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have made possible for our children. Sleepy Joe. Sleepy Joe. Shout out. Yeah I didn't watch any of this shit. I got fucking stoned and watched. I watched it all. And Rick and Morty. I put it on in the background while working out getting a little exercise in. And I forget what I was watching. It was because you use Apple TV. It just like it's like click here. It just gets it for you. It's just nice. So I don't know. It was ABC but they're talking about how Trump did way better with black men. Yeah with every Hispanic man too. Oh yeah. And then like I don't forget who they had on ABC but he's like he's all

but saying the fucking n word. He's like well Trump's message of get money. I'm a get mine. That resonates with these people. And it's like you better hope no one pulls that clip. I mean that's like one of the most racist things I've seen on TV. You see Donald Trump as hoes. The problem is is that they're boop. When he projects a certain type of values. As we all know black men are incapable of understanding anything other than money. Other than money and buying and selling. And so when I when I as a man on television try to think about what could possess a black man to vote for the racist orange bad man. It must be that he is a and then that word. Yeah. Insert whatever slur you want. Yeah sure.

That's pretty good. I one thing I saw was that apparently Hispanic people came out big for big Mr. Trump in Miami. No not just in Miami. Well Hispanic men came out more than they think it's because he's like called Joe Biden a socialist and there's like there's no way that's it. Yeah. No that's what they said about Venezuelan if that's okay then why the fuck would any of them vote for Bernie Sanders the Cubans maybe but not like I don't know if he did well with Cubans. He definitely did the fuck. He won. Oh no I mean Trump. Yeah no he did. I mean Trump definitely did. But Bernie did well with Hispanics and like Nevada. He did well with like Mexican America. They're all the same. They responded to Biden's message

of it's time to get tacos. Yeah. And let's take a nap. And that's by CTO. That's basically what that guy said. Sleepy Joe. A lot of a lot of Hispanics are voting for Donald Trump and the only thing I could imagine is that he looks like a like a big pile of what's it. I don't even know. I can't even think of a fucking orange Spanish Spanish. What I run. Yeah. I run. Whatever. Swing and a miss. I think that's an orange. What. Oh that's not good enough. I don't remember Spanish unfortunately. What about Spanish foods. Lawn. He looks kind of like he looks like an arroz con pollo. Arroz con penis. That's what you have. Of take a nap under a tree while drunk. Yeah. Resonates with. When he

posted that taco bowl from Trump Tower the Mexicans loved it. They ate it up. So yeah I guess fucking I guess Joe you sleepy ass Joe's gonna win. The fix is in the Democrats gone and got their pussies waxed everywhere else at 4am last night. It looked like Donald Trump was going to be really like that's why I fucking slept through it. We all went to bed before I mean earlier or then and then woke up and Joe Biden apparently in the middle of the night had become the president. Nice. Yeah but I mean now Democrats are just they got the law. They're not the worst case scenario. They lost in the house. It is the worst case scenario. McConnell has that was gonna be that was gonna be four years of like fucking

just this laptop Senate investigation after Senate investigation of this fucking into a whole shit. All of the shit who's only crime is getting all the shit Hunter did by the way. Oh yeah it was legalized last night. You can go to half the states in the country and get your dick sucked by a crack smoke an eight year old. Yeah that's true from what I understand Hunter's law is what they call that. You get pussy from any child as long as they're addicted to crack. Yeah. Your dad is in is the vice president. I mean basically Trump served his purpose. He gave them a six three on the court and they held the Senate and they're probably in the midterms going to get the house back. Who's saying my man

Trump's not coming back like fucking Grover Cleveland though. Oh four years later. I think it's a yeah it's Garfield Garfield. Garfield Cleveland. Yeah. Grover's from Lasagna party. Yeah. I like the sound of the lasagna party. The Trump's coming back with a hard ass dick in four years to run which might be funny. He might just fuck up the Republicans but whatever man. This shit is gay. Do you know that Martin Lawrence shared a come town clip on his Facebook page. Shut up. Yeah. That's huge. Shut up. Don't. Are you lying to me right now. I'm serious. What was the clip. He's like he's like this guy gay and it's used talking about your life. Martin said that about me. Yeah. I'm a huge fan. He's

like this guy is what we call in the federally community a gay guy. Oh my God. Come on man. I'm so excited that Martin Lawrence has heard come town. No he did. It was like us talking about that. I stand up it where he has this like either a soccer rag in his crotch. Yeah. He pulls it out and wipes it. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then it cuts to him doing it. Oh that rocks. Yeah. Salute. I couldn't see it because I'm still banned from Facebook. Yeah. I'm not on Facebook. I just got back on Facebook because I've been perusing Facebook marketplace for what for. There is there is gold on Facebook marketplace. I didn't know they had cocked this. No. Shut up. I'm not looking at you. It's actually you can't get cock. I looked

but no there's great stuff out there. Like what if you need a car you should get it on Facebook marketplace. They got furniture furniture. Yeah. It's Craigslist is actually become like well ever since you couldn't get pussy on Craigslist. Yeah. Craigslist is now fancier than Facebook marketplace. You got to find people selling like dishware sets and be like how much for one of the fours. And then they're like you know I don't know. Yeah. And then you're like oh you're in Astoria. OK. I'm in Princeton. I can I can be there in two and a half hours. Right. I'm driving up. I'm getting in the car. I'm driving up wink wink. I'm in like I'm in I'm already in the vehicle. So we're going to figure this out one way

or the other. Turn my shit up here. One way or another. I will get some but. Say that seven inches shoved all the way up my hands getting fucked in church. The one thing that is kind of nice was seven inches me. I can't believe you'd let me get fucked in the ass. Dad chill out. Oh he's getting fucked in the ass. Yeah I don't know. Eric you're staying late at the church to get fucked in the ass. You know my dad has Alzheimer's. And that's now I got to make that everybody's proud. That's all I remember. That mom was a bitch. Fucking whore. She was the real Skyler. Yeah. You'd be cool as a seventh heaven breaking bad mashup where Eric Campbell finds out that he has cancer so he becomes a Satanist. Wow.

He stops being Christian. He starts a metal a satanic metal. Well becomes he's he's like I gave you everything and you gave me fucking melanoma that I had to get removed from my ankle. Yeah. And I had to spend $30 on a copay to get melanoma removed from my ankle. Fuck you God. Seven seven and now that fucking hell he's gone. He's just seven hell. The seventh circle. And he's like now I worship Satan. Yeah. The governor of the town they live in which that town has a governor. Okay. And he stops by and he's like listen I heard you doing something a little different with your church. I'm up for reelection and I need some power to help me. So I'm we're going to team up you me and Jesse Pinkman who's

now who was it was one of your alter boys who was very promising but he was molested so much that he got into making child pornography and Eric Campbell is like you help me. We team up. I know the science and you something that you know whatever the price you have the premise the other side of the premise of breaking bad. Yeah. And Jesse Jesse knew the the trade. Jesse was a dealer. Yes. So I'm the one fuck the kids. I'll fuck the kids and you sell the child for the child. Jesse that works. And then they work their way up the Democratic Party. Whoa. Yeah. And so he's like you know he's making all this fucking money on the side selling child slaves to Hillary Clinton. Yep. Hunter Biden and all

these guys. Sure. And the wife is like Eric you're supposed to be praying. You know dad has Alzheimer's. Right. You know my dad. He's got Alzheimer's. Yep. I'm about to forget my fucking dick in your mouth. Shut up. I'm the one who knocks that push loose. I'm the one who you want. There's two there's two sets of footprints on the beach. And then it's in you know he has to go to the Southwest and deal with like Danny Trejo for some reason. Yeah. Or whoever the Hispanic. Gustavo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is Gustavo run. It just makes like the little Eucharist crackers. Exactly. Yeah. Who's Gustavo. Gus Fring. Gus Fring. Nice. The chicken king. Yeah. Who had a boyfriend that he made math with or something. Oh he

was gay. The backstory. I don't think he was gay. I just think he was he took his shirt in. You haven't seen Breaking Bad. No we said this two episodes ago. I forget whatever. I don't listen to you know. Yeah. But my conversations with your friend you don't fucking remember. Anything you say to me off Mike. I remember. He's thinking about pictures of himself that he's seen. He's having fun memories of pictures of himself that he's seen. And then occasionally a joke you say will seep into his subconscious and then remember to repeat that verbatim two days later. Yes. Indeed. Listen. It's not a life I chose. It's a life that shows me. Seventh penis. I'm the one who fucks. I'm trying to remember other breaking. What

else can we jam into that bit. Sometimes this show is like shoveling coal. You know what I mean. Yeah. Absolutely. The son who his legs don't work. He had a retarded son. Who wants to change his name to Flynn. Walt Jr. Yeah. Oh yeah. So that kid's on crutches. Simon's on crutches because but the dad broke his legs for being gay. What do you do. I don't want you walking into the boys bathroom. He's like OK dad. Talk that way. From sucking cock. So he was gay. Yeah. Well that's it. Eric walked in on him. Eric walked in. He's like why aren't you using my child pornography tools. To do something even more disgusting. To be gay. To be gay by choice instead of sacrificing children to your satanic energy.

Yeah. There's a big difference. Yeah. At home he doesn't do anything freaky but on the job. That's the only that's the only source for satanic power. This is going to be life under a Biden administration. That's going to be every show. You're going to have to fuck. We're going to be. We're going to be satanic. They're changing all the shows to be that. We're only going to be able to listen to Tupac because it's Kamala's favorite and only rapper she knows. Kamala. Those videos are just fucking awful. Yeah. Who is your favorite living rapper. Tupac. When they asked her about smoking weed. Yeah. You know how I like to get down on the coke. I don't know if that's exactly what she said. She's somehow

less of a black woman than Hilary Clinton. Hilary had the hot sauce. That's true. I keep a bottle of hot sauce in my pussy sister Hilary in Africa. They call her sister Hilary. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's so funny that she she had to drop out before anyone like voted. She was that shitty. The last he's vice president now. The last like maybe although she fun thing. She could catch this on leech. Maybe the last fun thing that could happen is assuming they wrap up all the court stuff in the next couple of weeks. We could get senioritis Trump lame duck. That's true. Just maybe he'll go goth. Maybe he'll go sad. You know there are a lot of what if you try to have a big ass statue of himself built. Yeah. He tries to

like an evil ass king. He tries to cram in all of his plans that he should spend like a million dollars having a sign put up on top of the White House. It isn't unfurled until the day he leaves. It just says gay guy central. It's like a big Hollywood sign. I made one last change. I hope you like it. Yeah. He's like you can have this one seat on Supreme Court back. But this stays. What the fuck were people doing like outside the White House last night like ready to get into fights. Were they. Yeah. We're like two opposing crowds outside the White House. Really. And it's like just go do this shit in your town. I know what what the fuck do you think is going to happen. Not from D.C. If they're from D.C.

they would be fucking like loser like you know khaki losers or fucking actual they're hill they're hill people. Yeah. They're not going to fight over Donald Trump. They wouldn't be fucking when Obama won. I was in college and we we walked over the White House to yell and say like fuck you Bush. You got to go. And I saw a bunch of titties that night. Really. Chicks were showing their titties. Did you get any. It was maybe the happiest America. I wish that was me. I do too. I hear that story and I think wow. I wish that could have been me. I honestly. Seeing breasts at two o'clock in the morning. Honestly. At 20 years old it was very cool. Yeah. My dick was hard when Obama won. It was very cool. Did you

get any. That was probably the happiest America has ever been in my life. Obama pussy that night. I think I actually may have. Wow. Potentially. Yes I did. But I had a girl that I was. Oh it doesn't count. Yeah it doesn't count. It wasn't. We didn't meet at Obama eating and none of those girls that were flashing tits sucked you off. No I was. I was too afraid to have you have gotten. Oh dude. I didn't have any confidence. You're never going to get anything unless you ask for it. Not 20 year old me. That was probably my lowest confidence. I think I had been. I was in the process of blowing it with a girl when Obama was elected. I have no idea. Which means I was probably drunk. Yeah you were definitely. I remember

the night. I remember the night of the inauguration but I don't remember election night at all. Election night we were hammered. I was at my friend Stevie's house and our friend Gosta was like they're about to shoot Obama. He was like bang. He was watching the fucking speech and he just kept going bang. He was trying to like. Oh yeah this speech was remembering Colorado. I mean but yeah. He did at mile high stadium. It was pretty epic. Yeah I mean he had. He dragged his nuts across and then the dream was over. They really should just bring the apprentice back tomorrow. Oh god. While he's in office. Can you imagine. He should he should make and he will obviously because he was president. He should be enriched

to a just disgusting degree. He should become an overnight cake. He's going to make so much like make 50 billion dollars. Well dude and then buy it like just buy the state of Wisconsin entirely. He's he may turn it into like a like just velvet. Yeah. Just velvet everywhere. Well I feel like we should all just agree as Americans just to lie to him like knock it like chloroform Trump. Right. We should do is get out immediately just walk around grabbing women by the pussy and then Joe Biden pardons him. Yeah. Yeah. To show to show that it's about the respect for the audience. You gotta have you gotta have a unit unit to be the same with each other. You gotta you know I mean today he's going and he'll grab grab

somebody on the you know but it doesn't matter if it's Tom Dicker Harry. You gotta have when we have thank you for voting for me. And that is my promise. Yeah. And then to the to the America to the end. They're getting mad at him for grabbing. They say he grabbed somebody but if you if you if you're going around grabbing people there's going to be a record of it. And they're going to have these records. It skips it scratches record. That's what hip hop sounds like. My my recollection. We all we all remember back in the hip hop days a lot of crime. And was that the best answer. My bill. There's a lot of bills. Does they all does they all did they have mistakes. You can't it's on Tuesday. You can't even what's

come back Friday. You guys come back Friday down down in Ruby Tuesday. You come in and you say I'll call you a faggot. And if you have a good comeback then you eat pussy for free all night. Pick any waitress. She's yours. We'll fucking ladder her up with honey barbecue sauce all over her pussy. You can be like a pig in a slop. That's what they used to say when I first came to Dover when I ran for biggest dick in Dover. They didn't even they didn't even have a Buffalo Wild Wings back then. You had to go around in your car and find a waitress. All you hold her down and you call your friend on a party line. Back then you had to crank the telephone and you'd say bring over the honey barbecue sauce.

I'm trying to eat pussy. And Biden delivering his victory speech tonight. A return a return to normalcy. Democracy has been restored. Fascism has fascism is defeated and America is safe for at least another four years. And we now go back to the president who is now demonstrating how he would eat the pussy. They say they stay away from the sides because the sides is like a crust on a peanut butter jelly sandwich. You'll remember that. You'd be a kid and tell your mom tell your mom to cut off the crust here. But what happens is the crust. It go you feed it to the retarded brother you have in the attic. Locked up there. And it was his genes that probably caused the hunter situation. I love him to

death but I look at him and I say hunter you've got you've got scooters violence. Uncle Scooter got uncle Scooter's violence. We used to blow cigars smoke up through the floorboard cracks and drive him nuts. Here I'm up there bashing his head against the choice. Biden continuing his victory. Here tonight. The funny the best part the funniest part is how mad Hillary Clinton probably is even fucking with Joe Biden Biden probably probably safely say that he won at this point. Yeah. But I mean who knows. And and it wasn't a blowout at all. No he squeaked by and the reason it wasn't the reason the Democratic Party is in such a bad spot now. And if he had lost it would have 100 percent been Hillary

Clinton's 100 percent for running in 2016. The the mess of the Democratic Party was created by Hillary Clinton's insistence on running in 2016 despite every half of everybody hating her. Yeah. And even the people that like her not being like thrilled. Yeah. But she's a girl boss. No. And you know she deserved it. She was owed it was her time. No I was also you can say now is that Donald Trump got more votes than Hillary Clinton. Yeah he beat Hillary yeah he won the electoral square. He also got more votes. Yeah. You add up both election. It's almost double. It's more than double what she got. That's going to be his speech. Yeah. I beat her again. If you think about both if you have two elections. I did two

of them. People voted for me twice as much as Joe Biden did. If you add them up. So it would be the popular vote. People voted for me twice. Joe people voted for Joe twice are the ones that forgot they already voted. That's why they like him. Sleepy Joe. He's got a retarded brother you know. This is true. This is true. He had him in an attic. They beat him to death with bricks. They wanted to get rid of him. I wouldn't do that with my family. If I had a retarded brother we'd put him we'd put him in the yard. Put him in the yard. Get him a nice costume to wear. Brought to you by cushy dreams. No. You guys. Retarded brother that you want to calm down. You guys want to talk about your experiences because

he cushy dreams. Well I piss you out of my day. Go out. Go for it. Listen it's a stressful time to be an American. Everyone's having election anxiety. Sure. You know. If only there was something like weed that calmed you the fuck down but didn't make you anxious. That's the thing is like we and that doesn't exist but we there is something that shittier than weed and will give you sort of a buzz and that's cushy dreams. That's high quality CBD. You want to fucking smoke that shit. You want to make CBD addables. I guess you can. You know. Those are your options. Weed is basically legal in this country right now and there's really no reason for a work around but in case that you're still afraid you're

in like Montana or something. No I think Montana like it's legal too. I think it's legal. No. I think there were like five states that went for Trump that legalized it. Nice legalized it. I think everyone's for it. But maybe I'm wrong about that. Adam is probably wrong but what's important that you do is that you go to you get cushy dreams whether you can buy legal weed or not. You know it's definitely legal CBD. Okay. Yeah. You don't need that. You don't have to look at a book or anything. You don't have to learn the law. Have to make a fucking Google search. Take Stav's word for it. Don't go to Google unless you're searching. You know Christina Ricci breasts. That's the kind of shit you should be searching on Google

not is we legal in my fucking state. So get cushy dreams which we know is legal and it smells like high quality marijuana. It tastes like it and it does but it does in the smokes like it too. Oh it smokes. It smokes big. And if you're a fucking loser who hangs out with guys that smoke a lot of weed and you keep getting embarrassed well guess what just buy a bunch of CBD cushy dreams. Smoke that make it seem like make and you see you puff loud. Yeah. And put that in the scythe and see which one of the losers want to pretend that they're high. Right. You know and then you can then you can punch them in the balls and say this was I got a nice little lamp for my living room. So it's real dark in my apartment

now except for this lamp. You got a moody lamp. Yeah. I sit there and I smoke my CBD pre-rolls by myself. I love it. Nice dude. So if you want to be fucking moody like Nick you want to be like a fucking mysterious fucking guy from the 30s or some shit but with CBD with cushy dreams go to KUSHYdreams.com and tell them come town sent you and put in promo code come or come town or come town 20 or something. And if you do that you'll get 20 percent or 15 percent. There I am. Spoken in my office. She walks in like a tall glass. He's called who I milk. Remember that. I do. That's where the mailman would come by and bring all the milk to everybody and he would bring it bring it to your mom or you're on and she would

fuck him. And that's like his car. She would spit it into the rest of the bottle. She would hide his cum in the milk. So your dad wouldn't find out. That's the only way to hide it. That was what they called who I milk. And then your dad would come home and he's like what the fuck is wrong. Why is his milk taste so bad. And your mom would say bubble gum and a penis. And your mom would say nothing. Why is it. What's floating up here. President Biden. It's just nice to feel like the president is in control again. Yeah. Just decorum once more. Yeah. Just the president of China listening in like a headset and like his eyes just going back and forth. Yeah. Oh yeah. Much apologies. But I do not know what you are saying. Thanks

for the congratulations because she dreams promo code come town or come down 20. That's right. 15 or 20 percent off for 15 or 20 percent off. Did you talk about all the different lines there. They got fucking. They got hustle. They got energy. They got dream. Yeah. They got relax. They got relax. Adam. He smokes with his asshole before he gets absolutely pounded. He has the bull top that he rents. He who he gets off of task rabbit hits his work around. He gets he hires hot guys off task rabbit. Yeah. They blow. They get from ass. Grab it. Which is gay task rabbit. Yeah. And they blow cushy dreams. Relax smoke. They shotgun into his asshole. Sproma code come town. It relaxes it. It opens up better than

poppers three lines private reserve ultra premium and premium. The good shit. Well every can size three and a half grams. And eight days to call it. We should call it an eight ball and we would get it. We go out to the club and you know you'd be dressed up like a policeman or a Native American and you get an eight ball and you take it into the bathroom and this is before it's not the new bathrooms. You still have the guys. They were hanging out with guys and girls. You know they didn't have they didn't have cocks. Back before our women had cocks. This is probably the worst Joe Biden impression. No it sounds bad. Sounds just like a man. I can't even. My I've never been hard. They say get hard and it's what

you don't even you don't even you don't even have a penis. You don't even wipe your penis after you pee. I wipe my penis. Donald Trump is saying he goes to the bathroom. He doesn't wipe his penis. And is that who is that the kind of guy. Yes. Yes. You got to wipe your penis. God you know how like everybody was like Donald Trump's going to be good for comedy and I said no he won't. Biden will be great for comedy. But yeah. This will be the inverse. Yeah. And it's bad news for girls. Oh no they have because they don't know how to do calm. Well the one thing I say that did soothe me while I was you know watching all that election stuff and getting anxious with some hard political satire from Sarah

Cooper from Netflix. So that I will say that what it was nice to calm me down to see somebody take it to Trump by repeating what he said and not do it. Is that the lip sync girl. Yeah. Oh it looks like high quality marijuana by the way. Yeah we said that. Yeah. And it's grown in California in Oregon. Yeah. Yeah. Well no but yeah that's good. And it's Cali. It's independently lab test. Oh yeah. That's nice. It's not part of some big conglomerate of labs. It's its own. So it's a little lab. A mom and pop lab. You can trust their fucking shit. They used to call them they used to call them they call them mom and pop stores. They call them poop and pee stores. I remember that. They used to. Because you go in during

they get a soda and the hard times and the hard knock days back when you know you bet to squeeze two pennies together to get a piece of pussy. You go on a poop and pee store. You get a loaf of bread. It comes with a turd. And you take the turd home and you put it on the mantle above the fireplace and you wait till it dried out and you put candles in it and that was Hanukkah. That's how we that's how we did Hanukkah in our household. Well we did Hanukkah. We had back then Catholics were Jews. Back in those days you had a different day at the Catholic church was actually the Jewish church and the Jewish church was the bank. The Jews back then those were just guys who had jobs. And then the Catholics they

all got jobs and the Jews had to leave. Now they became guys who just missed the bank. And then we gave them their own country. So as I understand it. So well they say old Joe you better. You've got to tell you some now the Jews got their own country. So you going to need to start the church for yourself. Everybody's going to have their own church inside their house. I promise. We're going to talk about Donald Trump's going to get rid of preexisting conditions. We're going to put a tiny church in everybody's house with little figurines and it opens up and you can see here's the steeple and here's all the people. And you can do it on your hands. You can do it on everybody's got two

hands they can make a tiny church make a tiny church and we're going to make the tiny church open it up. Here's all the people. Here's the people in a similar way. What's the other one where you do that. It's a baby's dick. It's a pussy. No no no. Where you put your two hands. It's the baby. Yeah. It's that's here's the baby. Here's the diaper. And then oh yeah that one. I somebody did that to me when I was like I remember my parents we went to it was something where you like listen to a sales pitch for a time share and you get like free tickets to Busch Gardens. So we went and did that and they just put like the children in the room like for an entire day while like your parents have to like pretend

to be interested in a time share or whatever. And there was some kid there that like did the baby penis thing. Right. And I was like sir that is one of the funniest things. When I first I got to that when I was like oh my fucking glitter there was also do is like all I was probably like in kindergarten or first grade. Right. This was like a like somebody in like third or fourth grade mature. So I was like this is a grown man. This is an adult male. Wising me up to the world. Dude. What was the rhyme though. I'm forgetting it. It was he just said here's the baby. Here's the diaper open the diaper. Maybe that made like a pissing all over. I remember there being a piss noise. Yeah. That's I was like

haha. I'm not a baby. I'm not a bad lot of people think I'm a baby because I wear a diaper just because you wear a diaper doesn't mean you're look there's a lot of different kinds of babies. Sometimes sometimes you say baby and you mean a pretty girl. You see a pretty girl and you say there's a baby right there. And we go live to the president and the president now is addressing the nation. Respect. Can't wait to watch the speech. He's got to get all those kids from the pool from the corn pop video. Get them back there. It's so funny how bored those kids look in that video. It would be funny if wearing little kid bikini it would be funny if he's sworn in and there's like a second like the coronavirus sees it's

because the seasonal virus and then next year it kills like six million Americans and people are like well at least he's not a fascist. At least we don't have a fascist president. It's fascism. Yeah. It turns out having no strategy was actually the best strategy for the virus. He kept it down. Joe damn Joe strategy killed everyone. Everyone with a big penis that is. Yeah. And then we will be left. We come out of this and in the land of the small penis. How about this is you know the three inch man. It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things. I did know that. Yeah. Pushy dreams. She dreams.com. promo code come town and check out for 20 percent of your story. Smoke your CBD because

you know because you can. That's awesome. You remember the song low rider and about the car goes up and down like an elevator. And I always I remember I used to say elevator. Well how come you got elevators and you got elephants. But they ain't they ain't the same and that's why you never judge a book by its cover. Thank you Mr. Biden. Thank you. Thank you. And that's the folksy wisdom that people love. I would love to go and see Thomas Edison kill an elephant. Everybody was trying to smooch it. They put big big old they got a they got fire hydrant paint and they put lipstick on the elephant. We all tried to have sex with it. They were shaved the elephants pussy. They put back on it's test. We got the whole

stick ball team together. We'd be back then they didn't have duct tape. So we used twine tape tile or cocks together. So it would reach the walls of the elephants pussy. And we all we all went down to downtown New York and came all the way from Delaware back then used to walk to New York from Delaware. By the time we got there which was very difficult because you have to keep in mind we tied our dicks. We did that in Delaware. We did that in Delaware. We marched all the way to New York by the time we get there Edison had already killed the thing. Oh the pussy had been fucked. And I don't know maybe this expression is lost to time but you can't fuck a dead elephant. Turns out you can though is actually the lesson

we learned. People used to say that. That's where it came from because we did. And boy were people mad. Oh man just eight fucking eight little newsies with their dicks tied together going to town on a fucking elephant. Orphan Biden came all the way from Scranton. Hey you Joe Biden the guy with the retard brother in the attic. Yeah that's me. Listen we're all going to tie our dicks together and go fucking elephant up in Brooklyn. You squazzies or what. Listen flip top. Either you tie your cock the mine with this twine or you're a freaking queer. I experienced bullying myself that day. So I know how it feels to be you know get your dick tied. Get your dick tied and stuck inside an elephant. Get your

dick tied to the Jews balls and stuck inside an elephant. Trans trans bathroom kids saying that they get in there being so it was suicide bullied in class. And I know that because I've got my dick stuck in an elephant. They had to cut the elephant's pussy open with the jaws of life. Those were new at the time. Back then it was an actual shark. I guess that's how they got the shark to bite. That's right. You had to fuck it. Somebody else had to fuck the shark. It was a fuck economy. And that's where we're bringing back is the fuck economy. The sex workers. It's a sex workers. You as a Biden administration will be the number the most. The entire only for the only fans. And we are going to show our

pussies and join me here for prayer in a prayer in a prayer for every pussy. Another thing you can do is you can buy a rich wallet. That's not the other thing is they got to everybody's have got you got put all your money in it but then you forget it and then where's your wall ago. It's a great point. Yeah. I'm always forgetting my money. You know where the you don't when you lose the copy and you can't find the copy of a rich wallet because you did put it in the folder. It's been a while since we don't read and it's been a while and you don't have the PDF. Really happy to have them back though. Pdf pussy dick fuck. That's what I thought. What is that? What it is. Important points. This video is brought

to you by the Ridge wallet. It's light sleek and industrial. It doesn't fold or awkwardly bulge. You know what? Fuck it. I use it. That's right. There's a sentence one and it really is you know because Lewis does this shit. He's like I really use this bro. Yeah. This knife that's an alarm clock. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. But I remember because like I would did I did like Legion of Skanks or whatever and he had one of these and I was like that's a gay. Yeah. But it takes like maybe like two or three days to get used to. Yeah. Because it's a front pocket wallet. It's not the traditional back pocket. That's not the fucking point. That's not the point. No you're used to sitting on a copy. What do

you mean. I'm having an honest moment with you. You're trying to fake your butt is used to sitting down. I have never even with a traditional wallet put it in my back pocket. Never. How about that. Maybe you do when you're out in the park after eight. Make your ass look fatter. Yeah. Does anyone want to steal my cash. I'm trying to get my cash. I hope no one takes my cash. I hope the Central Park five doesn't put a stone across the back of my head and rape me. Well I put him in the Central Park five but I'm hoping for a Central Park eight and a half. I'm looking for a Central Park eight and three quarters. Just leaving a trail a trail of pennies. At least directly it's my ass. No I wouldn't do that. Yeah.

So the reason it takes a little bit to take get used to is because it looks fucking weird. It's like two little fucking slights slats of metal with an elastic. Because they gave us a couple and I got I got the carbon fiber one and I think I gave the aluminum and steel ones to lessers. Yes. I never got one. Yeah. Maybe just you think I gave it. Well they don't make they don't make big fat guy wallets. I don't want to find there's not enough room in here for as well. I don't even have a wallet. So thank you very much. What do you have. I have a little fucking case on my phone. He keeps. He keeps individual. I don't whatever Nick's about to say. I don't all of his bills he bakes into fortune cookies. He has to spend

around a big bag. So the car's a hundred dollars. I have to eat a hundred fortune cookies before buying it. Don't be like Stavros. Get the ridge ball. It's true. It's a weight loss program. I love this thing. It came with like a screwdriver. That's like in case you need to tighten it but I've had it for like fucking two years and I've never needed like tight. I don't know what to and I will. I will. I literally does use it as your if you're a dumbass it stretches out the elastic because you're like I don't know where my cards are. Maybe that's a problem. I'm good. I'm good like with it. Use it like you can use it with one hand. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love that. And you can push the cards out. A lot of people listen to

Jack often getting your card out. I have Parkinson's disease. Nick's shaking something fierce. I have. I have I have muscular dystrophy and and even I as a disabled person. You can use the wallet. I have no trouble using this. Yeah. Yeah. I but it would be funny if I was like a paraplegic. Yeah. We're doing the show and you're in a wheelchair. Yeah. That would be awesome. That would be a good trump card for you to get in complete trouble and then just bust out the I'm actually in a wheelchair. I was like I don't know why it made me laugh so hard but just imagining using one of those motorized chairs. Just that's it. Just because yeah but just like I can't because it's such a dumb obvious bit but like just being like

I'm just I'm tired. The ones we have to control with your mouth. Yeah. Just like fuck it but like the same posture as Stephen Hawking. Yeah. And people being like what the what's your disease. I'm like I'm just I'm just wondering. I'm fucking wiped out. I'm fucking tired. It's been a long day. It's been a long day and I want to get a fucking bath. I want to get a fucking sponge trying to get a tongue bath from a tie. Didn't Stephen Hawking get his get jacked off by the lady that was changing his diaper. Yeah. He faked the the the Stephen Hawking's disease so he could have a lady that changes his diaper. I swear to God I heard he he fucking yeah. Yeah. I saw it on a YouTube this guy that does Stevie Wonder

isn't blind. Marisol did you know that the center of the universe is my asshole. If you lick it you'll experience the knowledge of God. Nice. Very good. I didn't know that. Well there is only one way to find out. Do not wipe the sezon off your lips before you do it. What is that. This is computer voice. I knew somebody that could do Stephen Hawking perfectly. That's not one you need to do perfect. But he could do the robot. I am gay. Sure. But I mean it does add something to it. Sure. Yeah. It's not work. You're not worse off doing it perfect. The universe. The universe. Every every impression you don't know starts or ends at meet one. This is projection. No. It's absolutely not. You're doing will be

Goldberg is me. Why. I'm not good. I've never claimed to be a voice guy. Yeah. But you're Bill Cosby ends up as me. I'm more of a voice hobbyist. I'm not a voice guy. You're you're closer to voice guy than I am. I've never done. I don't do voices. Maybe. You could if you you know what's stopping you from being a voice guy. Fear. No cowardice. I'm too old to be afraid. No. You you don't want to be known as a because you're a better comedian than voice guy. You don't want to be known as a voice guy and fail at it. You know they say that people are afraid or actually fucking they got a bunch of shit in their brain. Are you serious. Yeah. With the old guys at Ridgewall would say. That's me. Christopher Christopher

Maloney. I can not only can I not do the impression I don't know any other people's and anybody recognize this character is the guy from I think he was in the farm. I think he was one of the guys in the front. Yeah. Just looking at some woman you're going to try and fuck after the show. Ma'am. Maybe you can recall some sperm out of my pain. If you catch my drift. Yeah. You just be able to fuck girls after the show. I remember when we would come out here we were like rock stars politicians. Yeah. Fuck girls after the show. You know by was getting so much pussy. Yeah. When I lived in Austin there was a guy that was like do we really do have to finish the original. Yeah. What's the code. It's a beautiful

product with a beautiful. No straight up. Other products. I do phone cases here. Hold on. They make them. Ridge dot com slash come town for 10% off. They gave us our own website. Ridge dot com. Shut up dude. I'm sorry. Shut up. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Come on. Jesus finish the hell up. Shut up. Come on. Covid 19 cases surging nationally. Wow. Sounds like God is a little unhappy about the results of the election. There's no other way to read that. It's fucking God dude. Fucking piece of shit. What's the pope up to now. It's like every two weeks of Pope's like it's actually it's good to get fucked in the ass. If you get fucked in the ass you are like God. Yeah. I don't know. He seems kind of cool. I like

him. He's Argentinian. Yeah. Not a Nazi. Yeah. He's one of the one of the good. He seems not to be flashy. He's probably not having gay sex. Yeah. He doesn't like fancy stuff. He probably would be straight but isn't because he's a sexual. People used to say that about JP too that he got pussy before he became a priest. Which is cool. Yeah. Come ridge dot com slash come town 10% off your order. I implore you. Check it out. I implore you. We implore you. Check out the website. I'm telling you. I love this. We cannot urge it. I could not in a more strong. So just head over there and say Nick implored you. Yeah. Tell him Nick implored me. Oh my replacement jumper up is up for delivery. Wonderful brother. You got

to start jump roping again. Okay. Yeah. It's really good. Nick is in a double Dutch team with some neighborhood girls. Haha. Yeah. Double. Are you laughing at me laughing. Yeah. It's reversing the sarcastic. You guys actually are both on a double dick team. And it's when you suck dick. You know what I found out today. You know what I found out today. What kangaroos have double pronged penises because kangaroo chicks have double double pussies. That's pretty tight. I wonder how I found that. I found it. I found it in the hard way. Yeah. You have to suck a kangaroo's dick just to get on the boat. What about Mr. President. You should take a boat if you want to go to England back in the day you had to go through Australia.

You took 22 years to meet the Queen from Dover to London. Dover to Calais. The cliffs of Dover. Is that about Delaware. Yeah. Yeah. The beautiful cliffs of Dover Delaware. But I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but this is an appropriate reaction to this boring dog shit election is to have a boring reaction to it. Yeah. But to still, wow, election update. I so give a shit. I mean, but how the fuck does anybody care at this point? After the last four years? Yeah. How could you give a shit about anything? I kind of I wanted to Bernie. I was hoping Bernie. Oh, yeah. Bernie was in the primary. Bernie was in there. My dick would be hard. I'd be watching everything since the South Carolina primary. I've been I've been checked

out. Dude, I remember when we thought Biden was absolutely toast. He was so bad. Bitch asked one South Carolina, who gives a fuck? And then Obama Obama, Obama's got off the fucking hand glider. It was in with fucking Richard Branson. He was like, oh, I'm gay. And they're doing a gay 69 on the hang glider. Everybody's got him overdue. Yeah. And then Pete Buttigieg is like, OK. And then fucking Amy Klobuchar was like, oh, I'm a bitch. Yeah. What's she doing? What's close? Lob Nabachary could do up her husband got COVID. Oh, I think he he got through it. Oh, I guess Anderson Cooper accidentally called Twitter Clitter. Hell yeah. Wow. Dude, he's probably straight. He's been lying. Oh, yeah. Dude, he was lying

to get his fucking career ahead. Yeah. And now it's proof that he likes pussy. Let's do some declaring victory, claiming that fraud was being committed and making false claims on on Clitter, excuse me, on Twitter, essentially saying that. Wow. Straight, straight much. I love the media. This guy's fucking straight. But I think what you're saying about Trump, like the news, I can't get enough of it. Once you hit more that was giving let me hear some of the news, the hits from the news. Me? No, for your phone. Whatever. Okay. No, I think what you're saying about people being wrong about Trump being good for comedy is absolutely right. Like it's going to be nice to like not care who the president is anymore.

We could all move on with our lives. He wasn't good for comedy because he was doing all the bits. Yeah. It's easy to laugh at. Yeah. So is Kamala. She's fucking lame. Yeah. And the difference is you would laugh with Trump. Yeah. I think it'd be nice if I was trying to say this earlier, but if we all like agreed to lie to Trump that he's still the president like knocked him out for a day, built White House to and then just Truman showed him. So we could keep watching the show that we're watching. So we could. Yeah, keep getting some nice fucking. Yeah, dude. Press conferences. Set up fake, set up fake campaign rallies for him. See like what bits he's throwing. He's doing on the road. Yeah. I'm going to

miss it. You know, he's dude, he's going to have Trump TV. He's going to be around forever, dude. But his guys like, you know, there's something special about how hard they go for. He's going to run for president again. The fuck. Why wouldn't he? How old is he? 73? Who cares? It doesn't matter. You'd know he's running again. He's going to live to 100. He loves running, dude. He loves the road. Yeah. You know, they're going to fill up fucking arenas for his ass. Yeah. What we got to do is get a fucking sniper and say what's up to the Supreme Court. You know what I'm saying? And I won't say anything further. You want to kill Sonya? So I'm not saying that. First of all, Sonya is Sonya is good

with me. It's cool that she's named after her Mortal Kombat. Yeah. I'm cool with her, but I'm just saying. What soda may or mean in Spanish? Spicy bread? Yeah. Spicy mayonnaise. I thought so. It's an aioli. Yeah. That's her ancestor was back from the village at the spiciest pussies that tasted like mayo. I'll tell you, I could go for some spicy bread right now. You got spicy. What is that? I don't know. I'm going to invent it. Like a stick. No, I'm going to invent that dish. It would have to be it would have to be rich, something like just getting on Tinder and inviting Lutinas over. I'm whipping up some soda may or tonight. If you wanted to come over and experience your culture, like you've

never experienced it before. Oh yeah. That's all. I'm going to shove food in your pussy. I'm going to put fucking a sliced bread with a puppeteer. Put on this ring in case I need favors. It's a ring so I can summon you and the other is part of the shadow. Nick's pussy angels. Well, Adam, what's new with you? I heard you made a plan with a friend of ours to go to the batting cages and that friend invited me. So I just hope it's okay if I come with. Yeah, certainly. All right. I'm like, what else is anyway, I'm busy. You want to come on Friday? No, I was telling Nick I'm busy and I can't come anymore. No, someone else you invited. I'm I'm talking to you. I'm talking to Nick and I'm saying I'm busy.

I can't come anymore. All right, so I'm not about necessarily the batting cages. He'll know what I mean. You guys made another plan. Well, he'll know. Like, I don't know why the fuck you got a button stop. We're splitting it. We're going to Cheesecake Factory to split the menu. We're doing the entire menu. The tasting menu cheesecake. I rented the whole cheesecake factory. We should get tuxedos and top hats and go to Cheesecake Factory and just be like the entire thing. All of it. Hand the menu back. What do you think that would cost? It's really 350 dollars. It'd be like $2,000. Then let's do it. No, it's more than $2,000. Shh, me and stuff. There's not what are we going to do? Get three tuxedos?

Yeah, come on, man. We can get a third tuxedos. Then people are going to be like, what are you, the three tenors? And then it's going to be embarrassing. Rather than the two John Wick's. John Wick doesn't wear tuxedos. He wears a tuxedo. He wears a full tux. Everyone knows that. He's got tails. Yeah. The top hat. Delvin' umbrella. John Wick. And he's always doing this with his sand. That's what John Wick does all the time. Well, I'm Captain John Wick. I've seen the movie, dude. I know all about John Wick. That's not in the movie. I've seen, I'm familiar with John Wick. I've seen it. I know all about it. I know all the cool lines. I know what he dresses like. You're not going to prove that I haven't seen John

Wick because he's wearing it. So drop it. So just drop it. I'm allowed to see rated R movies. And he has seen. Not only is he allowed, but even. And he's not afraid of the rules. If he wasn't allowed. Yeah. If I wasn't allowed, I'd be seeing them anyways. Rated R isn't scary for you a little bit. No, not even. I thought you said it was scary. No, I've never said anything like that. You kind of alluded to that. No, roller coasters, movies and stuff, all the grown up stuff I do. Halloween stuff. Is that scary to you? Yeah. No, that stuff's cool. I'm not afraid. I smoke cigarettes, too. I drink beer. Yeah. I started SIGs. Well, when I watch a rated R movie. Yeah. I watch rated R movies. I like

to get fucked up off SIGs. I get that. I smoke so many SIGs. Maybe my friends are getting messed up off SIGs while watching. We're getting buzzed off SIGs. You used to get fucked up while watching rated R movies. Back then they called it they called it snuff. Hang out and be watching a man get beaten to death with a hammer on eight millimeter. And that was a Tuesday. Call that a Tuesday night special. There's a guy named Ricky. You come by at a little eight millimeter and set it up and we projected on the side of the auto body shop down downtown Dover. And it was a clip of a Chinese guy being getting his brain bashed in with a ball peen hammer up in Dorchester. Oh, so you knew the guy who did it. And welcome

to America 2021, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Next year is going to be better, guys. Yeah. It's only up from here. And that was the episode of Come Time.