The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 235 – For immediate release

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

This is the first post on the new hosts backend lets see if it gets fucked up!

We're just gonna go spoilers. We're going It's like Nick and I saw Phantom Thread. Do not spoil Phantom Thread. We didn't see anything. We did. We saw it. I'm not spoiling the movie But there was like an NPR New York City New York City audience and then the force laughter in the theater was just the two of us We're looking at each other. Was it funny. I thought it was he was The movie there's a punchline you realize the entire thing has been building up to a punchline I don't even know you're close to spoil and then Nick and I started laughing and then everyone else in the theater was silent New York Biddy Yeah, he likes the abuse It's it's it's about abuse. Okay about people that that's enough. It's a conflict is not heard enough

I might have to switch out. Do I sound like I got a weird sound? I'm not wearing pants. I don't know Do I sound I don't think so. Whatever fuck it. Fuck it, dude Maybe next time on the next one we can fix it. Luckily, I've been brought a separate cable, but we're already 56 seconds in I know we're gonna stop and start over late. No, I would just swap the cable I would be so pissed if we had to lose that. I would absolutely I would just we were just talking about start breaking stuff Let me just make sure that we have oh Oh What a beautiful day is today. Yeah, what is what's the date Nick?

Of the episode that it is today wink wink We're really doing our pre-show No, I just need to have the copy in front of me before oh, so this is a regular episode not a premium This is a regular episode stop letting people into the workshop exactly the workshop of the mind This is our two sentence conversation. We usually have before I'm trying. I was you got to be a professional Adam Dude, everyone knows that I am the professional in the group. No, absolutely not everyone. That's what they call a professional dancer That's right. No, they call me the You're a Providence, uh, you suck off a giga for money

It's just funny to imagine the studio being like well, we like the script, but you can't call it Leon the pedophile How about the professional people yeah, how about the professional we'll split the difference Yeah, and it's their problem if they say that that little girl is hot Yep, that's all even though we dress her up like This is my wife my baby wife She is my wife who is also a baby Now I have to kill I have to kill the bad guy because my wife she demands that I kill for her That's the same guy that did the fifth element. Correct. Yeah. Yeah, Luke. Beats. Oh, did we are

That's I would I would love that on the lineup this week. I watched it You did a couple months ago. It's another movie. That's clear a pedophile wrote it this time It's a woman. She's in a lady's body, but she's got the brain of a child She's trying to learn English like well, she's getting smarter faster and faster. She's growing It's literally this guy is so everything he does war is he should he should be able to go to jail off of those two movies alone They're two movies about be like excusing being up. So I'm trying to ruin jacking off to her in the bandages Well, I made I made the point hot before but it's just it's so funny that first scene in the movie where they Reconstruct her from like that aliens arm and then like the general of the space army is like

Sees her in the tube and he's like, oh, I'm gonna have to take some pictures We're supposed to believe this like seven year old man has just never seen a naked woman before That is Nicky even gets hard. Yeah, because it's a PG 13 movie. Yeah In my in my opinion that is peak Tucker the Tucker crush intergalactic gay space Absolutely crushes it Ruby Rhodes. Yeah a gay intergalactic radio host Mm-hmm, and I love that the show their show was just done while walking That was it you remember that part where I haven't seen it in years But it was they did have like an Aaron Sorkin themed MTV. Yeah. Yeah. Walk with me, baby

Like they go down hall. Yeah, I had to come all the way to space to be gay. Tell me what are you doing here? Are you Chinese or blue? What are you like an Indian blue bitch? Are there white versions of the blue bitch on your planet? Do they got white blue bitches and you're the Indian type Shouts out to Chris Tucker. You're like the the Kamala type of blue bitch In blue world. Yes. What are they white? What are the white people? Are they green? What do they call white people where you're from Oh Shouts out to Ruby Rose

And Ruby Rose and Chris Ruby Rose is the lady that's who's that she's like hot But she has short hair and they're like she's that she's a fucking genderqueer icon Because she has a short haircut. Yeah, I mean she tapes her titties up and she's in I think she was in oranges than you black But I you know if somebody's hot as shit, they don't get points for being brave I think uh-huh in my opinion just because you call the show the L word doesn't mean I'm not gonna jack off It's actually the J word Ruby Road is the character. No, no Ruby Rose I was talking about someone someone who's hot a hot lesbian or I don't know if she's either she's bi or if she's even

Or maybe they're they I think if I had to guess She's they strike me as a they they're hot the bad guy for the old man is named John Baptiste Emmanuel Zord Yeah, it's Gary Oldman, right? Yeah, yeah, where are the stars? Oh Yeah, he does the southern stones up your ass I'm gonna put he's working for evil aliens that are destroying everything. I think he's partnered with them I think but they just like usually that's like the double cross that they tell them. Oh, you're gonna be safe But this movie they're just like. Oh, yeah, no, we're also gonna kill you But you have to do what we say and Gary was like, yes, I'm gay. Yeah

He has the hair to the side. He has the alt-right haircut. He does have all right haircut with a plastic thing on his head Damn, I want to see that movie. I love that movie father Vito Cornelius general Monroe Diva plava goop plava goop Plava plava doesn't bruise rules trying rape her to yeah through Mila Javivic. Yeah He holds her down and fucks her and he goes you pick a That rape was actually a Christmas move did this director needs to go to fucking prison It's legal there. Is it can you stop being so Western? Sorry, I think so. I'm fucking uptight provincial. You'd think my Greek roots. I would be you know

Yeah, I know Covering for the crimes of your people the thing is I come from a culture where it's gotta be a boy you tune Mathematics more honorable. Yeah, and then but you stop when he's a man or he's gay not like a slutty girl Yeah, yeah, you'll hit this stop is so the song from the fifth element that the blue bitch thing Mm-hmm. It's impossible to sing actually They do like computer-generate tones that humans can't make interesting, but they're closest they got was an Albanian No Wow, this movie sucks and decided in vimula in vimula. Yeah, okay, you know what in vimula is some pussy

I'm in the mood I'm in the mood in the mood for pussy by long car. Why no do a joke with the name Don't just let people know, you know, the name of the movie Know who direct that was And especially when it's long cock way Without even thinking for a second for pussy by long car. Why long hard wide it's got a lot of yeah But you know what it didn't and why cuz you want people to know listen guys This might this might be our earliest

Yeah, you know, I guess that's true. Um, you're you're like Your inability to help yourself with that and stealing jokes. It's kind of like Yeah, but this has we all three of us have a specific No, that's not my sickness and you're me and Nick have real problems with food and we're addicted to it in a way I'm like fully accepted that I have like a just a straight-up eating disorder for sure that I'm obese as I do You are first of all, who's anything bad obese? Okay, we're talking about eating this because I'm not I'm in much better shape than you are and is it's everyone knows that my addiction is is is trusting is trusting

People I love That is that is actually literally true. You're a fucking sucker But also you're addicted to stealing. You know what my problem is improving that you know little facts That that is truly the worst thing in the world and you do it And you have never in the in the years that we've known each other. You've never tried. I've been working through it in therapy I don't think I don't think you have the impulse that a Jewish person has to say Oh, he's Jewish like if Sammy Davis jr. Comes up. Yep. That is literally Something that I have deliberately tried to work through it my life. All right

It is obnoxious. Well, I would just say the tidbit thing is like that's weird because I just don't want to I don't want to eat an entire pizza if I have if I just fuck up and have one garlic Not listen, we all have our crosses to bear. Yeah, and it's like all right. Well, let's start the show Let's start the show. Let's get the show going. Let's eat a whole damn piece Let's eat the entire pay and after you finish the pizza, you're like anybody go for some wings Why don't we order some wings just pretending like someone else at the party ate the pizza? Yeah, I guess we all ate the pizza It's literally like Ian drinking hand sanitizer on a on a bus and then waking up Jacking off his soft dick eating a prostitute's ass. It's a lot. It feels so good though

To just fucking just go off the rail. Oh when you go off the rails the day you go off the rails is the best day of all time Yeah, it's the next day where your head is just swung with sodium. Yeah, you just have diarrhea Dude, I will hungover but from food. I went to my cousin's birthday and I felt like my ribs were separating My cousin's girlfriend was like that's what pregnant women say Dude my stomach gets so fucking like bloated and hard it's like literally it's like that episode of king of the hill We're Khan. It's the hot dog eating contest. It's the ring of fat that stops your stomach from expanding Yeah, my stomach bumps up against the ring of fat very often Yeah, I was actually thinking about Kobayashi last night respect whenever. Yeah, how does he do it with a six pack?

Exactly what Khan was talking about. Yeah, I mean it's yes There's no ring of fat to stop him. I look wild after a night of like overeating distended belly. Oh, yeah I mean, I look I look insane. Yeah, it's all on the top. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Why do starving kids have that? Cuz I believe the Because everything else is so emaciated that the stomach just kind of like pops out No, I think it actually does swell with there's something about a demon or something. Oh shit. Really? Yeah That's fucked up, dude

That picture of that vulture waiting on that kid is one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen in my life Ever will see birds are cool. No fuck birds. Absolutely. They're dinosaurs, dude I honestly I would fucking kill every bird if I if it was up to me. I'm not a fan except hummingbirds They're cute and they're little and shit. I don't like I won't say every bird, but most birds I guess we can keep chickens alive and kill them in the factories, which is what they deserve Every bird should be treated like factory farmed birds. Yeah, mm-hmm That'd be very cool in Sesame Street as big birds just in a cage and Gordon's like pulling eggs out of his ass He's being forced to keep making eggs bitch

Big birds like I just want to teach you alphabet Yeah, well, how about I got some letters for you right here f a g Yeah, that's you And then they're like whoa, whoa, don't be fucking homophobic Gordon He's just we're just treating him like like this cuz he's a bird not cuz he's gay Then we'd have to put Burton Ernie in cages as well You know be really funny like just cuz kids wouldn't even get it if I worked for Sesame Street I would definitely I would spend every day of my life trying to get into the show

We're seeing more like, you know Elmo's with like a kid or something. Okay, Gloria. Let's go see Gordon You know and they're like hey Gordon and Gordon's there with like The letter and the letter and like I'm really sorry Gordon and Gordon's like don't worry about it, man Just fucking don't you know and then Elmo's like what's going on? What are you guys talking about? Gordon's like it's nothing. Oh, it's not a big deal Between me and yeah, so what are you guys learning today shapes? And then it's just that's it. I'm gonna say you would not be able to get that in. Yeah, I

Would that's just my hunch They would not allow it. Well, I would say like well Well, maybe just Gordon has a difficult relationship with the letter n and Elmo's like what why are you in the letter and mad at each other? And he's like because people have history Elmo We didn't all just suddenly appear right when you were born. There's a context to everything That's based in identity And if you I think the more detail I'm getting the less I believe you'd be able to see no I think it's kind of a nuanced conversation that needs to be children need having on Sesame Street

Yeah, children need to confront I think I think they shoot Sesame Street in Queens actually so yeah, we should just start Waiting up shine up in full camo. Mm-hmm. Yes, or we show let me write for the show We show up dressed as snuff a lot came all the way to Queens from Brooklyn from country Tom, Brooklyn Why don't we just show up dressed as the Muppets yeah and sneak in that way just dress up as Elmo We're like, oh, I'm here for work. Yeah I'm looking for Gordon. I got an idea for an episode Wait, who's Gordon was the black guy on Sesame Street when I was a kid. Oh that guy

Yeah, we're still around. I remember that guy now that you say it. Was he a grown-up? Yeah, he was a grown-up Yeah, he was a grown man that hung out with babies End-leaser Huff Gordon Was Gordon like Afro Latina wasn't there like or was there just a straight-up Latino guy on there? I Don't remember at all. Were you not a Sesame Street by Roscoe? I was dude. Don't you dare say I was a Barney guy because that shit was gay I was a Barney guy dude. I was a Barney guy, too. I was mainly a Sesame Street guy. Remember being mad Oh, he's still on Sesame Street. Let me see on Sesame Street since 1962. Let me see his picture. Oh

Yeah, that guy. I don't I don't I there's a Latino guy on it, too. Isn't there I? Should my penis to child. I should have taken a shit I should my penis to child Yeah Dude, I just started happening when I was the second I was not thinking. Mm-hmm. It just took over. Oh, hold on 1974 to 2018 is how long Gordon was on. Oh, wow. Christ. He's in retirement. Mm-hmm You think he like hated Sesame Street the way we hate the podcast Like I gotta go do these fucking kids again

No, because kids don't know how to I don't fucking send pizzas to your house. Do people do that? Oh, yeah, that's gotta be dangerous for you It's fine because I listen if they were prepaid I would see that as a form of respect Mm-hmm, but it's always you ever have you have you bought any of them? No, I never have you've never been tempted Well, can I be honest? They usually send bullshit like Domino's honestly if I were the CEO of Domino's and like I would just start doing that to people Like pick neighborhoods where you like get the data figure out who's fat. Mm-hmm They're like, oh, you know somebody you order this I guess just send the drivers out. He's terrorizing San Antonio

Yeah, yeah, because somebody's gonna buy him and then they're gonna think it was free marketing Well, you know what they could do say look I'll give it to you for half price. Mm-hmm, and then it's free and then you're covering your costs Yeah, more people will do it and then they have a taste for Domino's that was a classic Tom Green bit the Price cutters pizza where you'd fall around the delivery guy You know what I would do I would tap the phones of Papa John's and then take orders Uh-huh at all my local Domino's locations And then see where try to get the pizzas to them for a same order, but from the Domino's menu

Get cash and be like no, I guess you were to Domino's then be like weird I didn't think and then just steal all of their customers. That's what I was a CEO If you're doing if you're a CEO if I was CEO yeah of Domino's regardless of the fact that makes doing a CEO My credit card probably yeah, well, I would make it illegal to pay by credit card Okay, so you would lobby the government smart You're only allowed to buy pizza pre non prepaid cash only cash only cash on the barrel You have to get a barrel you have to have a barrel and And then but you would make it legal to tap competitor's phones. Yes, I

Got a question. How did how did anyone get so poor that they had to just wear suspenders and a barrel Like no one ever did that. I don't think that was so poor. I think that was the Irish being so drunk Was it that an Irish thing? Yeah Yeah, the Irish got so drunk they don't live in a barrel I sold all my clothes. This is your life now. I sold all my clothes and now I have to live in a barrel It's saving me so much time. My wife's mad at me because nine of our children died last week. We only got 15 left Dude how blown out with with those Irish pussies in the early 1900s They said that there would be a great future for us in in Brooklyn, but it's nothing but me beating my wife and

living in this barrel Did they even have like this the the like um thread that sews up pussies after The babies are born back then the husband stitch. Did they even have that they probably did I guess they were doing the surgery If it's after the civil war, yeah, I mean That's when the yeah, that's when yeah, that's when field surgery really took off Yeah

I'm just I'm just thinking damn. He was on sanford and son the same time assassinated. Oh hell. Yeah, my man was getting paid It's Al Robinson. He was played Gordon Robinson. This is these are the names of his characters This is funny because you go from the 70s to the present day. Yeah, let's see if the names get more Yeah, Afro centric. His first role was Willie. The second was Gordon Robinson. Al Robinson Tyrone Lieutenant Connors bodyguard Gordon Robinson Marcus Brutus

Adrian, I guess he was Greek for two years Marcus. Maybe he was in Marcus ain't Greek, bro. Maybe Roman. Yeah Gordon Robinson Uh captain wallinger malcom captain ralston. Gordon Robinson sir eddie eilers partner Gordon Robinson judge Gordon Robinson Pops Gordon Robinson Gordon Robinson mr. Mason narrator Mr. Cameron so my theory holds up Train waiter jojo boss officer oscar recor Mike stanton

Jerome Howard Bryant Davis Dr. Grady Gone. Yeah, I thought it'd be funny if the names that were like Willie africa bomb bottom Yeah, and then you get further into his career and it's like fucking chicken tikka missa missa missambo Wouldn't never mind i'm not gonna say what that would make more sense for yeah I Sucked a penis. Oh, what was it?

He put a gun. Yeah. He put a gun into my head and made me suck his dick I am sad. I got raped I hate it. I hate being right He put a gun up to my head and made me suck his dick Made me suck his penis. He spread my L six and then fucked me inside of my ass I Did getting raped. This is fucking annoying So we have to we have to do reads and usually I just I keep a timer on my phone or whatever

But I tried setting up the iPad and the iPad keeps shutting off you this you can do that And so you can fix that in settings in settings. Mm-hmm. I don't know about any of that stuff partner display Brightness listen. I don't know anything about settings. I'm more of a You know about characters about dialogue, of course, you know Um, no, sir. It's the settings on your phone Plot driven plot points set. I don't like I wrote a story I'll write a story sometimes You know, it could be a western. We're talking 1870. Yeah, you know in the middle of a yuma county

Yes, or a space opera doesn't matter. We could you could cast this characters are the same Characters are the same. No, sir. Just go to settings on your phone If you to see just the brightness needs to go up Uh, and but I know I didn't even get pushed until I was 27 years old. Would you believe that? I'm like call up apple support though The problem is they have all your information now Right used to be able to prank call customer service department. Oh, I guess you still can it's just you can't get really past like If you pretend to be old you can get past. They're like asking for your name, right?

And they're like, I don't know. I don't know No, they they they they're like sir your name, please. Well, that's a good question But what's really important is this is the keys, uh Because there's keys for your house And that's not the same as the one on the computer. It's not the same one What about this thing with a key chain here? Is that do I click on that? Do I hit delete? No, sir. Don't do I what do I do? I deleted it I deleted everything. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what if you want to delete

Your dicks in a building your soft soft if you want to delete your soft dick Yep, you can the the delete Some blue chew pills to leak them. They're delectable. They are they taste really good. They taste really good They're basically candy. I eat them alone all the time just because it's like, well, I kind of want a smarty or something They are a lot like smarties. Yeah, and you could probably give them to a kid and he wouldn't even notice Damn, I miss smarties. No, I was never a smarties guy I I wasn't a smarties guy, but you'd get them on halloween and you finish eating the good candy And then there'd be a thing of smarties and be like, you know, like fucking smarties was the top tier of the second choice candy

Yeah, well, what's that tier? Build it out for me. My handyman league minor league candies What are the minor league candies smarties milky ways? What milky way not not milky way crushes three musketeers not milky three musketeers also crushy ways milky ways But it's a second tier candy. You don't fuck with milky ways Here's the thing if you put if you put oh my god, if you put three musketeers in the top tier then they're dog Shit, I mean you wouldn't it's a that's a good point Make the top because here's three musketeers like lives in the territory of three musketeers snickers milky way Right. They're all at the bottom. Yeah, right. And then then second to that

I'm a milky way over schnickers guy. The canadian league of that world is baby rooson payday That's who you are in that world. I would rather have a hundred grand bar lives in 100 grams. Good. They're good I'm just saying they're playing in different leagues a hundred grand is what it's a side I think I have no problem bumping hundred grand up to you know what you're right It's a euro. It's from a different league when it can play with them, of course It's a ladder. We have exposition games. We're eating all the candy. All right. That's right But I would go hundred grand a baby rooth over milky way. Shut the fuck up anything hundred grand I need a crunch. No, baby rooth can suck my fucking dick. Anyways, blue shoe tastes like smarty

Yeah, and it's a pill that gets your dick hard Hardy how okay, you know what I my penis it sucks. I'll be honest with you, you know When I when we when I first when I when I the first time I had sex not only was my dick bent But it was small it was small and it was soft and it's not I explained to the girl She's screaming. She's crying. I'm holding her down. I'm telling her I'm holding her down. I'm telling her Not bent. It's the only the one side of it works. Let me fuck you sideways. We're gonna Ah, Jesus, then it'll be straight. God Jesus Christ. It's like, you know, you deal with these fucking brad These fucking hers and they worse you gotta

I don't know. I'm fucking doing a chicago. Yes. We're making fun of people from chicago. Yeah, anyway, my dick is shaft Yeah, I got a deep dish style penis It's it's uh, it's bent sideways Everybody's chicago. That's the thing. It's a chicago thing. Yeah, I don't know what it is everybody else They got straight dicks that goes down and then it goes out my dick. It kind of hooks around in a weird way It's like a fucking you could use it to serve deep dish. It's like a warped piece of lumber You know, it's a piece. It's garbage. It's anywhere else. It's garbage. It's I'm gay. I'm gay too It's the other thing. There's a lot of people. It's a chicago. It's a chicago, you know in new york

You get a new york style of pizza and that's real flat and we don't like that here What we like is being bent over and getting fucked with a gondor That's what you call a real new New york chicago. Yeah, they call it a new york chicago. That's a lu mel nadi style They call it a chicago style new york city And that's where you you get put down on your knees your your partner takes a blue chew Uh-huh. His dick gets hard and then he puts a nine millimeter in your mouth. It makes you suck on it That's right while the blue chew kicks in

At that point, you know, you already got a lot of saliva built up on your mouth from sucking on a gun And you're ready to suck cock chicago style And you wake up you're bloody and you're crying and you maybe check out an improv comedy You call that a chicago typewriter. You know what that is. What's that? It's a typewriter where you write all your gay secrets on it and put it away in a little drawer where your mom can't find chicago style, you know, because you're sharing you're sharing a What are their houses? Chicago bungalow. Yeah, you have living in a chicago style bungalow with my mom since 1973 And I when I was 13 I picked up a chicago typewriter, right, you know, which a lot of people yeah, you just write gay secrets

And you tuck it away for years they kept it in a drawer But one of my stepdats found that while he was looking for pornography And uh, I had to bludgeon him to death with the uh, baseball bat. Yeah. Well, he took me out into uh, the garage And he uh, he put he put tape. He stapled my butt cheeks closed And he said the only way anything's getting in here is if they got one of those little This thing's you pretended was a monster. Yeah, those jaw things a little monster toy with the fangs Good luck finding one of those in chicago. The only thing we have here pal is dildos Back then of course the only topping on a deep dish pizza was a big sloppy dildo

Oh greased up with ass juice and cubs, right? But the point is when you're getting fucked chicago style, you want blue make sure your partner's got blue They want to lose you because it's the same generic ingredients as viagra and sialis The chicago style they call that deep dish dick pills The pills are thicker, you know, it's the same same milligram dosage But you can use them as earplugs. So you don't have to listen to the sound of your son being sodomized Upstairs by your partner You know, you got to do a lot of things chicago rants are going up

Everybody's moving to chicago because the corona virus Right, you know, I heard that because and so just to be clear you have to prostitute your son Because of that your son has to get in your house and your son Be blessed it up there That's why you need a deep dish style a blue dish style dick pill You get it right here in chicago your ears or in your mouth You plug it you put it put in your ear and it works in your ear, too

Yeah, that's how they call that taking dick pills chicago style in your ear It's a slow burn because everybody in chicago. He's got a bent dick So you really only need half the pills to get that the good side of your dick heart. Oh, yeah They call it the south side The south side gets hard and you're then the top stays limp. So the whole thing curves back around interesting And then your dick is kind of the opposite where the south side is good on your dick in chicago Everybody's city the south side. It moves back and points at you and you walk around with your pants down

You go you talking to me pal Or you hey, you were talking to me. Yeah, right because that's in the dick points at you right and they can't do that in new york That's why you got to have you know, deniro. He's got the little gun in the movie Right remember that that was sort of a a reference to chicago Yeah, how everybody when he pulls when he whips a gun out of his sleeve that would score says he's saying I've been to chicago. I've seen what their cocks look like. No, okay I don't know about it. We all know about the cocks situation in chicago The way their cocks point back in

So anyways, you want a couple of his chicago's deep dish style blue chew pills Same generic ingredients as viagra in sea houses, hadalaphyl and sedan in the thalad and sylvanaphyl And guess what? You don't got to go to an old fucking doctor. That's sedanaphyl. Reminds me of my friend phil sedana Oh, great guy. Good guy. I got a cargo guy chicago. Oh, really? Yeah That's weird. You know what? I knew that because I knew him from chicago and we grew up there together But I never put it together And never left plus his cock looks exactly like you described I've been living on beaker street in chicago my entire life Right north side. They got that like sure. Yeah, every street is just the streets from new york, but you take a letter out

I lived in yeah beaker and and and houston street Beaker and houston And mubberry yeah over there on mubberry street mulberry Uh, yeah, no, I was living in the mirror for a long time and uh, now it's uh, now it's the wrong city Whoops, there you go. You don't pay attention for a second. You end up somewhere completely different end up in in a different place The point is philadelphia. It's like chicago, but nobody's gay But none of that weird gay midwestern stuff

And you don't got to go to no gay doctor You do it all online. Yeah in new york chicago or or philly. I forget. I don't really know where we are anymore They got thin crust pizza in new york in chicago. They got deep dish and in philly. They got whites only pizza Do you mean white pizza? Yes, that's right. That's what that means. Yeah, whatever. I guess it's got a like a Uh, a cream type of cheese also. Yeah, we got cream cheese. That's our type of shit So now go now you're you could do it from your home in philadelphia. You can go to uh, yeah Any blue chew dot com. All right

Give me a second here. Let me get back to we got to get back to talking about blue chew We going back. We doing philly or are we doing chicago? I can't tell the fucking difference. I can't do chicago anymore I think it's lost I don't know what the fuck happened there. Well, something changed and now The fuck now we are not capable of it. Now. I can't I hit my limit with that fucking city It's it doesn't help the it doesn't help the philadelphia. Do you know what I think? Dundalk with the problem is sleeping slip into it. No problem The problem is that you try to do chicago and you've ruined it for me

Well, if you were if you were actually good at the voice of what matter without the fuck I was doing Oh, excuse me. I am actually good. Okay. Well, then why the fuck ain't you being able to do it yourself because you started talking And I was doing it pretty good. I slipped one tom. Yeah, and that's one tom And I went right back, but you you had to go to chicago You had to go to philly on a tandem bicycle here and you fat footed those pedals backwards I did it one fucking tom and you ruined the whole thing bicycle fell over Now we look like a couple of fags on the side of the road with our bicycle falling over That's a funny mental image is to gay guys on a tandem bicycle that's just in a gutter. Yeah, and they're like help us

police Our bicycle fell over Our tandem bicycle It's in the bicycle with dildos in the seat, of course, and then yeah, but that's girl And like one of those sky rider banners flying behind it. This is bluetooth.com. That's right, which is a great website If you like sex, you'll love bluetooth.com. You go there. You go over to your hometown go to promo code come town and you get a free

Intro and they're like James con and thief you say what do you got dick pills? You got a chink You got a jew chink kid. We'll take that right? Well, why don't we just do the promo? It's a highly emotional scene It's a great scene. First of all, I'm quoting one of these quoting thief I know maybe after the how about it? How about instead it's jack Nicholson at the beginning of the department? No The thing guys Don't realize Okay Little bluetooth.com. He's from a code come town. That's the thing. Chicagoans don't realize

I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be free of Yep, yeah, right right guys from chicago We got to get the beat back on the board The oh, we do need the beep for sure and get the beat back on here. All right beep chew.com Go to bluetooth.com promo code come town get your first order free or free shipping or something Yeah, they call me the point is you want your dick hard. Just get it billy beat boys billy beat boy Yeah, the billy beat. Beep. Wah. They gotta be a couple of beat boys down there Yeah, they call them beat boys because they uh, well, I'm not gonna explain it

You know why they call them Um, bluetooth.com promo code come town or come town 20 Blue chew And let's start let's start the show. Let's start the show I'm gay They said suckers the dick. You're the piano man. You suck me the dick. I'm the mm-hmm. Um, I fucked the bed inside his ass and it felt really good That's why I'm sad because it turns out that I am a gay guy

That I'm fucking gay Yeah, I don't know anything about the settings. I'm more of a uh I do the plat. I'm more of a plat guy. I do the plat. I've never uh, really cast anything that is dependent on a setting You know, uh It's more about it's more about cool shots, you know Putting bobby the nero somewhere where you look at him and you say now there's a guy that not only fucks But he does crimes those crimes and I can see his balls You know, I remember the original draft of heat. I just wrote the word fuck down on a piece of paper

And I thought where's the chicago michael man? That's where if he's from. Oh, he is. Yeah. Well, yeah For real? I think thief was his first or one of his first. Oh, I had no idea Adam's not sure that's why you can hear his defeat and then he became And then he became the possibility of him being wrong about the movie. I've been wrong so many times Yeah, but you wouldn't score points with the other jews. No, but I did do it in the voice of me trying to be right Which set myself up for failure. It's a character. You do adam trying to be right. Yeah, david man And david man, it's like first draft or something just being the word fuck and then I wrote down fuck on the piece Oh, that's why I meant mammot not michael man. Both of them are chicago guys mammots from chicago. Yeah

The three guys from chicago or michael man david mammot and shell silverstein. Yeah shell silverstein from chicago Yeah, chicago. I fucking love shell silver jim and john belushi. That was my guy as a little kid I used to love those books. Yeah And he looks like he fucks I didn't see a picture from till pretty late in life. Yeah, you know, I grew up in chicago south side And that's why most of my movies. Uh, they deal with uh, you know a guy saying fuck and uh, the idea of um, you know, uh Like what if you uh, what if you're trying to get some pussy, right?

Right, uh, but the gang they need you to do could do one more crime You know, you gotta really what you want is pussy what you want is pussy But you also don't want to be enslaved by the pussy, right? You got to put you got to put work in between the pussy and you and really That's right It's it's chiefly concerned with the idea that freedom is is sort of like not only not possible as uh, a state of being but it's impossible is even an abstraction that you can comprehend because These men don't even know what they're trying to escape to it's certainly not pussy It's being shot to death by uh, al Pacino and the uh in an airfield

And while while that bullet presses into Robert De Niro's heart the audience can't help but think you know He's probably thinking about sucking getting yeah Oh, yeah, he's probably thinking about what he really wants The entire time which is sort of whole movies about being gay. It's about blowing Val Kilmer scared Tugging on his tugging on his little ponytail while he's while you suck his cock. Yeah, I don't know if that's uh I don't know if that's true. I don't know It's not how I saw it. Hey, listen when I invited you on to do the dvd commentary. I didn't say I didn't say you get to you're just here to say yes

Okay, Bobby I didn't see him as a gay guy. I didn't see him as a gay guy. I didn't see him that way I when I you know when I do this with Marty Marty Usually holds my hand and we touch each other's penis But the character's not big character's not gay. I'm gay with my the character Uh Robin I love oh you're watching heat

I'm doing it. I'm making a little looks of money. I'm director Michael Mann and uh, this is robin williams He'll be doing the commentary. I wasn't in the film at all, but oh that little goatee. It makes you wonder if it's held on with come That's very funny robin You know, I always wanted to do heat with robin. I wanted him to play all the characters. The original idea was that it was going to be a comedy And uh, and you know the big joke is that we never get to see these men having sex with each other but uh with test audiences They didn't really get it. They didn't see it as a comedy that's always just they thought it was yeah It was too nuanced. It was too much of a heist movie

They thought it was really about the bank robbery Rather than this idea that these five guys are gay with each other and they can never they can never they never have that uh You know moment in the hallway where they bump into each other and all the papers go scatter and they pick it up And they you know one hand falls on the other. Yeah, they realize a meet cute a meet cute They're hidden desires. Yeah, you know realize so they have to be bank robbers and that's you know I thought if we reshot the whole thing Yeah, with robin williams playing all the most expensive But he's you know, mrs. Doubtfire. He was busy with that

But he actually made all of his own clothes and costumes When I met robin in the motel six off sepulveda and And uh, uh, you know down down in Englewood We used to meet up there every thursday, you know, we would tell our wives respective wives We had a business meeting and me and robin would show up and he'd be dressed as mrs. Doubtfire and I'd Bend them over and fuck him in motel six I said, you know, what would be great if what we could do is reshoot heat shot for shot But with you playing all the characters and then release that as a director's cut

But the studio said we don't have another 40 million We don't really have the money to reshoot the whole thing A lot of people think heat the name is about the heat the police But it's uh, it's really about the hottest cut kind of it's about the heat emanating off a man's ass Yeah, hot gay sex, you know. Yeah. Well, that's what always interested me about gay sex It wasn't the it's a temperature wasn't the act itself is that when you do it without lube the friction that's built up in an ass And and you know, eventually, of course, you ejaculate. Hopefully not too early, right? Hopefully it's you know, you have you have time to savor the the act

Is uh, is that when you finally pull your penis out of a man's ass and you're completely hard, you know Because this is you know, it's not the wife. You've been walking the best type of sex You're fucking robin williams dressed up like a british grandma in a motel sex in england. So, you know You're you're harder than you've ever been in your life and it it pulls out and you can see some of the The inside of the rectum come out a little bit and the heat that builds up it reminds me both Literally and metaphorically the big bang and it makes me write god was probably You know if god exists or whatever your conception of god is is a guy going out

um, you know He's out on a bareback exchange. He's fucking right. He's fucking right and he's in the clubs And he's on drugs and he's getting aids in the club. He's fucking dry and hot and that's why you know, uh, Evangelicals will say that god sent aids and you know, it's like well. Is this even really a punishment? Right, you know, because they're they take the wrong the wrong. They got the wrong idea when they think about it because AIDS actually makes the sex even hotter It's like having a gun to your head right

And it's I don't think it's a coincidence that the The emergence of the hiv virus coincides exactly with gun control laws in the united states So true because there was never room to really have the conversation about who's affected most by By gun legislation and that is of course bareback exchange gay guys that love shoving guns in each other's faces Oh, would you look at that the heat is over the movie's over. Well, hope you guys enjoyed the commentary Yeah, oh, see you later. We're gonna go have a good night. Thanks for joining me Oh leave the light on for me

Leave the light on. Leave your dick on Leave the money on the dresser cash on the barrel cash on the barrel. Can I go back to new york now? Okay, I guess whoo, it's through. Yeah, uh, bobby really didn't take the chicago I There's a difference between the culture of chicago new york That bobby really didn't seem to come. I love chicago. You guys are just a couple of homos. Yeah I love you to do with chicago. No, I just don't I don't know if I want to get hiv I don't understand why that's necessary for my character

I'm not even part of the story. David wanted us all to get hiv and only val Kilmer agreed Yeah, of course we brought david mammoth in for just some suggestions The thing he pressed hardest on is all the character should have Let me check that Um, well, I'll tell you what all the characters should get hiv and you know what else all the characters should get Is manscaped is there a cock shape that there are penises groom. There's nothing in here. I should have printed this shit out Yeah, well, you know, this is the the good thing is the we know the product so well So this is no we do but also they like this is the copy for the winter. Oh, okay

Brace yourselves winter is coming. Oh, man. Do I miss game of thrones? What the writers of game of thrones didn't want to tell you is Brand was actually in a wheelchair because he didn't trim his balls with manscaped That's pretty good poor guy. I thought it was okay to trim his balls with a traditional razor Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Winter is coming So if you don't want to have a cock so hairy that you become a wheelchair bound Get manscaped The fucking best mother fucking cock. It is nice because I just kind of accepted that you know

You're gonna cut your dick and balls. Yeah, it's gonna be a bloody you were doing it with a straight razor and just nicking things I was using I was using a katana. Yeah Which a rusty katana. I still maintain that that probably is the best way to do it. Sure It's just I don't have the skills And let's face it. I'm an american. That's why I use an american made Let's see if that's probably not probably not American made man, but american soul american branded American thought up that's what's more important at this point now having your shit made in china by slave labor is more

quote-unquote american made. That's true. I trust it more. Yeah, of course It makes me feel more american knowing that some chinese person's life was my enemy. Yeah, my ideological enemy Right, that guy in the factory is your enemy. Yeah Because that's all we have with china is the trade war So sense of superior. Yeah, why would you want american made? You don't want some fucking guy in america Having a shit job. You want a chinese guy having a shit job and the american guy at home shaving his balls living on welfare That's right. That's right. That's the dream. That's the dream and we can account you can achieve that You can achieve dick dick razor

communism Right by going to manscape.com mansave.com and pick up the new lawnmower 3.0 trimmer It's beautiful and it comes with little hispanic guys that landscaped Uh-huh. Yeah, that's an add-on. I work for a manscaping company I do a manscaping They work really hard. They hire me a manscaped and I have to shave their balls And I use a lawnmower 3.0. Yes, that's great. It's quiet It's waterproof the battery lasts a long fucking time

It's got a light so you can shave your cock in the complete darkness. You're in that blackout sex room and Advanced skin-safe technology to reduce nicks and cuts even as a light to help you close shave down there. Exactly Yeah, that's great. It's like you already said that. No, right? It's like I didn't even need to read it. Yeah The weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer Can help you whack those nasty weeds in your delicate holes. Oh, I got a delicate hole for you pal Yeah, you got to uh, you got to clean your ear out before you put the dick pills in there. That's right Chicago you got your son Chicago guys

For shelter too much hair you can hear your son. Yeah, uh, I was taking my son to a cubs game And he got molested in the bathroom I couldn't hear because I had too much hair in my ears Interesting and that's after that I started using the weed whacker now the damage is done that boy scarred Right, so might as well put him out on the street. Get a little rent money. You know, I mean, it's like your best case scenario He ends up as a director Some kind of director of heist movies Worst case scenario he ends up as a new yorker

Geez it's weird that there's not more rivalry between chicago and new york No, we we don't there even a fucking right. I mean there isn't at all. Is that one of those rivalries that only goes one way Yeah, yeah, it's like baltimore in dc like we don't like dc. No, no one in dc gives a fuck about no one's like But we're like fuck dc. Yeah same way chicago. It's like look whatever you're cute. You're in the middle of the fucking country You're the best city there, but come on suck my fuck The performance package includes a crop preservers or deodorant for your balls to protect against chafing Also to crop revive or ball tone or keep your boys fresh at all times Yep

If you're wondering why I talk like this is because I gone deaf from using The wrong kind of ear hair trimmer. That's right. That's before I got the manscape one the fucking weed wacker And you know, I it doesn't say in here, but I'm assuming you can also use it on your asshole I'm gonna say don't use it on your ass. Don't try to use it on your asshole Have smelly feet the manscape top with their foot dust. I'm sorry, but this is all just disgusting to me Thanks for the sponsorship This is this what's disgusting keeping keeping a nice Fucking I don't have any of these problems. You don't have I don't smell. I don't have body hair

I do have long nose. There's no way you don't smell. I don't smell I that is for the one of the craziest ideas you just like your own brand I've lived with lots of people knowns ever complained because you're fucking shower. It doesn't mean you don't smell I don't smell Have smelly feet manscape can help you with their foot duster foot deodorant made the fight odors of the dirtiest feet Want to smell good everywhere good because the refined cologne by manscape. That's nice and fresh scent Designed for the refined gentleman. Yep. So if you were a tuxedo, you got it. I was laughing the other day about wearing a tuxedo to somebody's funeral Like yeah, I mean I thought it was black tie. I thought you had the droid wear a suit

Just take dress for like prom On top of everything maybe you can throw it in the shed travel bag to carry your goods and a nice bag The bag is nice. I'm using it right now. All the nighter months are nice. Love it. Nice. And I like the subscription model You know, I mean if you're the kind of person who keeps their shit together or whatever, you know, like my The skin under my beard bleeds. Yes, normally. Yeah, and I'm constantly just bleeding and chafed I don't I have you've resigned yourself. I've had mental illness. Yes So for me as a mentally ill guy if I wanted to convert to being Uh-huh, you know a guy who maintains himself. This is the way I do it. I don't be like Nick

I do a whole branded package through manscape Get 20 off and free shipping with the code come town Or come town 20 at manscape. Do you guys remember? Do you guys remember? It's xxx in the copy, but it's probably come town. It's probably come town. Could be come town 20 tribe It's come town 20. Remember what the first time we got advertisers the Uh, I think it was I don't remember what the company was but the promo code was nick mullen podcast

That's so funny. They didn't want to say come down. Yeah Well, the biggest win for us was when, um Um Yes, it is come town 20 come down 20. Let me just double check here. It's one of those fucking two You can you're smart people. You guys are smart. You want clean shaving cocks? You fucking you listen to a smart podcast. No, it's it's important that we get the right one. Okay. It's come town 20 Come down 20. Yeah come town will not work. It is deactivated come town 20 Okay, the proper promo code

So use come town 20 to get 20 off your first order and get your dick shaving and so nicely They got the shears 2.0 package Mm-hmm. Stop. You try the shears. I've tried the shears. I'm gonna clip my nails. It looks nice. Yeah, britney shears That's what they should have called her when she shaved her head. Sheaved her head You know, yeah, you know, I I was never attracted to women But when I saw britney here's here it's shears with a shaved head. I wanted to I wanted to at least get my dick So I wonder if I couldn't see her. I want to just pop that fucking bald head right up my ass I wanted to fucking jam her in there like a door

You know just have her get her stuck in there and then run around waving my ass around like a peacock Just fucking windmill in her whole body with my ass. Oh, yeah twerk off the side of a yacht Oh, yes, sir ruin everybody's spring break Damn, I hope britney's okay No, she's not I know dude your fucking dad or something's got her locked up She's yeah, she lives in a conservatory now or something. Yeah, she's just seeing conservorship or something I got something you can conserve adam. What is that your fucking words? Okay? I'll take that to heart. I'll take that to heart. I love what it's it's not gay and it's just just purely disrespectful

Because I was thinking I appreciate it actually, you know So Well, if you did you would listen to his advice. Yeah. Oh, I never will My heart ass dick is killing me. Yeah, and Nobody should listen. I want to get my penis. Don't do anything that I did include in the joke formats Especially the joke format and keep him out of any of our DMS

I don't know occasionally. There'll be one somebody like one probably one Out of 90 there'll be somebody that's got a song even give them that don't do that man. They're gonna shoot their shot anyways I don't care. Yeah, they're gonna do it anyways But one every once in a while somebody will do one of them like all right, and I'll let them know Yeah, I'll be like, okay respect. He's a benevolent king. Not that I'm the authority on it. It's got it It's boy. That's problem is people don't understand. It involves between you and your friends Exactly, and there's a lot of people that don't have friends right And there's a lot of lonely people you're missing a fundamental element

That's the whole point you should work on the friends first not that the jokes themselves are funny. It's that we hate comedy And we are stupid in the way you're only supposed to be stupid with your friends exactly that's right I'm not even good at comedy. I'm but I'm good at the friends part. Yes, right? That's how I was my way up to this Yeah, yeah You're better at the friends part than comedy without Oh, I'm a great friend without throwing any value judge. I'm a great friend I'm a great lover. You're not. I don't think that's probably no. I don't think it's true either I think you're fine probably if I had to guess how you fuck

Because you know why you don't have that much to prove Uh, yeah, no, I mean, I think you and I basically have the same basic Don't want me in grift, which is that we just make it sound like it's gonna be really don't let me in I don't make it sound like it's gonna be I make it sound like it's I say my dick is bad I said I'm good at fucking it's really small and the sex is bad And then if it's just a d-minus then it feels like a win for the I can't help myself I have Mediterranean passion in me Uh-huh. That's true. I fuck beautifully. You're an olive skin sex guy. I'm supposed to be on a beach getting tan

Getting my dick sucked by tourists. Oh, Trump conceded. I guess. Oh for real? He did It's gonna be so funny when this comes out in December whenever the fuck it does My hard ass did. Oh, no, he didn't Oh, well I will remember you You jingle jangle on Netflix. This looks gay. You know what I just remembered yesterday When uh some Christmas movie when he was doing uh He was uh, they were he was doing Christmas calls to kids. Oh, I guess it's a black Christmas movie

Who's in it? Um I can't remember which one's No, I mean it's not Jordan Peele. It's Jordan Peterson Keegan the the other guy my Keegan Michael Keegan Michael Keegan Michael Keegan Yes, yeah, he's good. I like him. Yeah him and then I guess dude the fucking subject teacher on mad tv I'm looking at trending topics on very funny when it first came out. It was a nice soft land Yeah in the lunch they had that uh, they had a good schedule mad tv the two of them key and peel where it's like to

To like guys like squaring up to each other and then getting gay or in gay or with one another. It was very fun big respect very physical Very kinetic those fellas um I was just remembering when Trump was calling kids with my I know exactly the one you're gonna say are you still a believer in saying and he's like you're seven I mean, it's kind of borderline at this point. Are you still a believer in Santa because it's seven years old? It's marginal, right? It's marginal

She grow the fuck up Funny as president ever. Yeah, pretty funny. We'll never they'll never take that form of five four three two one and that's the episode That's our button. Oh fuck. Yeah, I depress it the record button. Okay. Yeah, but I don't know what that does So that that could it's a disaster. I don't know. Yeah, it's it's this one. It's well. I know which one it is Do you would you are we cruising or do you want to cruising? I just I wanted to make sure because we can keep going Okay, I thought it would be funny to stop the show after we would be down. Yeah, what did I just do though? What button did I press this one? Luckily it didn't do anything. Okay, just to be safe. We should um

I don't know the Difference between the record and the play button. I should fucking look at the manual because I've had it now a year And I'm just gonna keep deleting episodes I'll never be good at fucking anything Hey, come on, man I mean doing the show fun But that's that was always made me laugh about comedy is like you'd see guys you'd see guys on stage You've been doing comedy since 1993 and they'd be like so what they got it

They call it a firehouse because firemen live there, but they don't call it police sat, you know And then the quarter drop out of the mic and then they'll fumble with it for like fucking 10 minutes No idea Right to reassemble the only tool of job Involved in your job. It is one club yet. They just don't know how to do This is stool and a mic. No behalf most of them don't know how to use a mic stand. Yep. Yeah And not a mic stands. I've just broken mid set and then been like, okay. Well, this is oh my extent. Is it possible? It literally took until this year for me to understand how to use any of that

A mic stand is like an internal combustion engine. I mean that's that's engineering right there. Yeah, I love the simple one You just do the twist the twist one is the classic The twist one is the best one. Yeah, and that's a cool part of the movie. We don't need the bend be lower the Oh, it feels great. Yeah, that's that's actually it's one of the benefits of being short is the power move of lowering the Microphone is a lot of people think it might be a masculine, but it's not when you fucking you got that like little wrist action Yeah, slam that shit down and you're like, let's get to work because it looks like you're assembling a pool queue And you're about to like, ah sure pal. I could play a couple of games I don't know much. I've never played pool before in my life. I'm just a fag from Chicago

I'm just I'm just a Chicago style director Know anything about shooting pool or even when money is or how to gamble. I've never done anything like that in my life All right, that's it