The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 245 – smark coulerds

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

yea how u doin my name is smark, im callin about the pussy u got up here on face buke

you never know there's no guarantees in life except for me getting my fucking little bully sucked and uh good afternoon that to the bank good afternoon i got something you can take to the bank right here pal it's called my pin pin wasp yeah okay i'm the teller uh sorry we don't take microscopic deposits yeah i got i got so they take big dicks at the bank at this particular bank they do interesting i got a deposit you can take right here pal it's called my my ass yeah well we'll take that actually and we'll use it as the vault because it can hold let's just get hundreds of millions of dollars you could buy cushy dreams and uh and get you to carl bluture bluture dot com good no breeze done for the episode all right i'll send that to the cha cha send that to the

advertisers but i would like my one million dollars we couldn't in theory open the show with ads right uh yeah but they're then people just skip them people don't understand the genius of this show it's definitely genius is that they'd be distracted everybody with a conversation about whether it's political or comedy and the answer is neither it's a way to trick you into having to listen to the ads the greatest achievement you can uh achieve yes don't continue oh like yes get the the old school meme format ready right the motivational poster yeah albert einstein with his tongue out the greatest achievement you can achieve is having people accuse you of selling out true because that means that you had something to sell for the greatest dick the devil ever sucked

was that he that he was mine yeah you got your dick so by the devil yeah that is true i got my dick checked by the devil and i was like i'll sell you my soul um for head and he was like awesome and then right when i busted i was like psych mm-hmm yeah your fingers are crossed my fingers are crossed and i said psych and he hadn't he had no recourse i did that with the devil but my fingers were double crossed so they double cancelled out so he has my soul now yeah well i'm going straight to hell the devil went down to georgia he was looking for some two thousand dollar checks he was promised oh oh that's right uh-huh where's my fucking money yeah stewie stewie video clip they're holding the stewie from family guy yeah where's my money no it's my penis there is come

give me my penis head or blast my penis blast on my face woman blasted woman i'm gay blast my blast me oh what the deuce i'm trying to be blasted i'm trying to get my ass fucked mother um quick uh uh uh hold on uh what uh in memoriam to who died two people died this uh r.i.p saku smith you know what let me just get oh it's great sorry i shouldn't i should have let you say well we gotta get get the uh oh sophie too why isn't this working she had some bangers r.i.p to her and saku smith r.i.p to screech and sophie screech and sophie and nba analyst saku smith who died of coronavirus mm-hmm you know what that stands for nba this is a banger oh yeah this song's time i can make you fuck my ass if you let me

i can suck my dad's penis i can make you do i can make you do i can make so i can make you do All right Okay, is this still recording. Yeah. Oh no, it didn't start. Oh wait. No, yeah, then you gotta yeah Yeah, yeah, we're still recording. Okay. I liked I wanted to say first of all RIP Sophie obviously but also that song in particular I really enjoy because I Love the idea. It's when I listen to the song

I'm thinking that a girl is begging me to let her suck my dick and I've never been in that I've had girls who wanted to suck my dick and there's even been like a please please. Yes, it does It's never in a playful sexual. I can make up stuff too. No, I'm not The girls have sucked my dick and wanted to suck me off make up stuff plenty of girls have wanted to suck Yes, I have Nick is just a fucking liar. Whatever you're saying. I know it's a lie. Nick wishes. He can fuck like me No, I fuck nice and I fuck with Panache. I do fuck nice with Panache I fuck with Panache and I fuck nice. Ask the girls. Yeah, Panache butter that you put all over your balls and have a dog

Look at all. It's Panache, buddy. You've only had sex with dogs Sex with the dog lots of girls You've only had sex. Never a dog's mouth. Only with dogs. No, that's not true Stop's only had sex. Nick's a liar I fuck dogs It doesn't even sound like the fucking song. I'm trying my best If you just give me a break Wow, that's cool. Nick's trapped in a very gay dimension right now. He's trapped in it, you know, in a fucking J. Dildo

gay Chinese guy Hi Michael, how are you? It's great to have you on the line Honey for a pussy. Why are you calling in to that? I thought you were gay. I'm I'm calling in because I'm playing Famously gay. I have his name for the first time Kurt named him gay actor Michael Douglas. I'll be playing a Hispanic character. Okay. I wanted to make sure that I didn't do it wrong. All right, let's hear it and And me more bossy. Oh, that's that was a you or is that a Hispanic guy? That was me

Wow, where are you coming calling from? I? Don't know trapped If someone could please Are you not like a cathedral or something something with a high ceiling? I'm in the US embassy in Libya And Christopher Stevens is here and I'm having sex with his balls I'm putting his balls in my mouth and he's I can feel him

Wow, I wish Did you go back in time? He's in Benghazi Michael stop having sex with his balls. You have to stop There's a mob coming. There's a mob coming. No, he's in his ass now I'm having sex. He's inside Christopher Stevens ass You're inside the hero Christopher Stevens asshole inside of Christopher Stevens ass Quick Michael you get out of there. We'll go get Hillary. I'm having sex with Christopher Stevens

We sent you back in time to stop Benghazi. Not to have sex with Christopher Stevens. I'm having sex with Christopher Stevens. I'm having sex with his ass. Now he's fucking great. Now he's fucking my ass. Wow, that would be a good movie. Would it? Yeah. Michael Douglas having sex with Christopher Stevens.

What will they play Sophie? It'll be great. It'll be great to start. You know, like those guys that get popular on like Instagram for doing like their own loop, you know, like they're just good at music. Oh, you mean like beat? Yeah. Like MPC guys. What's MPC? It's like that pad with all the squares on it.

Yeah, those are cool. We should all get MPCs. No, I'm getting one. I mean, you should get one. I should ask you if I could play. You can come over and play it for a couple minutes. Just to try and start like a loop guy career, but I'm just terrible at it. It's just that shit.

To take your like a lo-fi loop type shit? I don't know. I don't know anything about it. To take a small business loan like COVID relief, Bill? Yes. Buy an MPC. I'm getting a COVID relief. Stobby Baby Enterprises. We're getting a loan and I'm turning my office into a fucking sensory deprivation tank.

If you lend me a sensory deprivation tank. Get the fucking jit out of your ears. I got a relief for you. No, you don't. I'm going to relieve all the come out of your balls. That's sure you are. I got a relief for you, buddy. Watch me relieve all the bustin's off.

You're sucking me off against my will. I feel relieved. I feel very relieved. I was relieved. Adam, how was the chili? Stob gave me some of his snow day chili. Fantastic. I'll say the heat level perfect.

The texture incredible. Thank you. The corn kernels really gave it a nice bite. You need a little corn, you need a little bean. And you know what? You can put all your stuff in a blender and make it like a kind of a pasty kind of soup. I don't like that shit. I chop up every pepper.

I chop up every fucking onion nice and tiny. Stob got arrested at the bow day. I did not get arrested. He tried to order too many sandwiches. The woman in front of me ordered 12 sandwiches. Let me get a cheese. A chopped cheese with extra cheese. She got assaulted by the police.

I want extra chop on my cheese. I got it. I'll tell you exactly what I got. I said I want more chop. First of all, I don't like chopped cheeses. I love chopped cheeses. I'm a cheese steak guy. I love going to the bodega.

I'm a cheese steak guy. We got a 515. No, we don't have that. Oh, we don't have a fat guy ordering too many sandwiches. We have a 6182. We don't have a 6182. We don't have a 6182. Dispatch.

Dispatch is 211. We're outside the bodega. We can see him from outside the store. 211. He's pacing back and forth and his stomach's knocking everything off the shelves. No, not again. He's a small bodega. I'm requesting a second EMT.

Why is there a first EMT? We have to back the ambulances up to each other so we can fit his body. No, what? How is it going to drive? Dispatch is 212. Dispatch is 218. How are the ambulance going to drive if they're backed up into each other?

One goes first. That seems really hard to pull off. That's a classic. First of all, I fit in an ambulance. 316. We're on the way. Copy you. The ambulance is doing ass to ass to carry the fat man out of the bodega.

316 copy. Much fatter men than me have been in an ambulance. What is that, my heart rate? He's agitated now. Sir, one second. We're going to be back up. You sing next tells? Yes.

Where are you at? Where are you at? 316 copy. 316. Which 20? We're on the way. We've got peanut M&Ms and almond M&Ms. I know you requested the regular

because that'll lure him out of the store. Oh, a honey pot situation. We've got to talk to ops Dispatch to make sure we have enough candy. I ordered one sandwich. I ordered chicken breast, tomato, avocado. Banana peppers, lettuce,

honey mustard sauce. Oh, okay. I like that order. This is the aerial sport helicopter. We're trying to get a visual on the suspect but he's even from here too fat. Which one is it?

You can see me or you can't see me. The helicopter. How am I too fat to be seen? Dispatch for us. It's camouflaging into the earth. It's a second one. He's too fat to fit in the helicopter's camera.

What? He's got a friend with him who looks to be a Jewish woman about 5'1". Her penis is too small to be seen by a helicopter. It's a word. The camera's broken.

We're crashing. It's just so fat. Blackhawks down. The whole of him is so fat and also the other guy's dick is so small it's destroying the helicopter. That was a big staple of yo mama so fat jokes

was the gravitational pull. Was it that aspect? Was that a big staple? You know what else has a big staple to stop stomach? It's not working. He busted through that staple. I met a guy who got the stomach

to work out. He says he hates it. First of all, you have to chew the fuck out of your food. Did you meet this guy in the community? No. He was a comedian. He shouts out to Pauli. Pauli Pellegrino on Twitter. Funny guy.

You vomit if you don't chew good enough? Um... I think you gotta chew the fuck out of your food and then it goes... because your stomach doesn't... I don't fucking remember. The tantric method. But he's a good guy and he was funny.

You opened for me in Tucson and the Phoenix. Did you hear what I said? I'm blowing past that. Tantric eating sounds pretty good. Did you just eat for hours? You never get full? You never shit. I don't equate shitting to busting.

Some people love shitting. So is this Pauli here? Is he fatter than you or skinnier than you? I met him when he was smaller but I believe he was fat as hell. But... Do you ever get attitude from fatter people? Like they...

Yeah, like you don't know what it's like. Like the way dark skinned black people sometimes treat light skinned black people. Exactly. The same type of thing. We're just sort of... we thought of as pretty boys in the fact community. I am sort of a pretty boy in the fact community. I'll say that.

I suppose I'm the equivalent of a light skinned better. LAUGHTER Slightly less lions growl like this. Slightly less fat. In the fact community it's thin skin. I'm thin skinned. I'm thin boned. Thin boned it.

I can make you suck penis. Whether you want to or not. Whoa. I can make you suck my dick. With a gun. I got a gun. Rough. Screech. Sophie and Screech.

I was saying it's the cool S... Kurt. Who would be next? What? Cool names with an S? I can't think of one person. Screech, Sophie. Are you guys both serious right now?

Cisco. Me, Cisco, but also... Stop? But come on, most people. This thing right here. I'm the most notable Stavros. Turn all the ladies no. Who should get rid of your last name as a fuck you to your dad?

I should. You should just go by Stavros. I should. Check it out. I know another what? I can't believe who did that. I'm going to be one of the stand up guys that talks about old rap lyrics. But just point out the N words.

They say the N words. I'd love to say it. Excuse me? Who's in Paris? That's not very cool to black indigenous people. They can say it. But when I get off the plane at Charles de Gaulle airport

and I say, wow, there's a lot of in Paris. Now I'm the bad guy. I just listened to White Fragility on tape. Oh, you got the tape. Is it about both of your dicks? As read by Sean Connery just before he passed away.

It's difficult to talk to what people about race because you let them have the last word and they've already had the last word and they keep going and in that case, yes, I think it's perfectly acceptable to slap them. To slap a white person.

It's a slap a white woman person. That would be awesome. If you rebranded as a guy who just really hated white women. White women are teetering on the edge. They still haven't gotten their full comeuppance. The Karen thing was good. And they try to come back into the fold?

No, man. No, man. Fend for yourself. When white women are all living with their fucking mom playing fucking Starcraft they're all on female dating strategy

and getting cancer from eating in 2011 every day. Because they blow their paycheck from KFC on scratch off lottery. I'm sorry, you mean investing? Because they're investing.

Once white women are in that position maybe you can come to the cookout. You're invented to the white man cookout which is just eating 7-Eleven hot dogs together and our only table is a fucking foldable.

I probably said it before already on the show but nothing made me feel more validated than Sadie Doyle becoming a man. And then fucking like after three weeks having to write Anne Frank's entire diary

about their receding hairline. Yeah. Welcome brother. It ain't so easy, is it? He thought it would be Jeff Bezos immediately. Maybe in one department. That's right.

Being bald, you dumb fuck. Yeah, could never be me by the way. As a formerly, as a man, and you know what I let me apologize to the bald community for Rachel Dolls alling you all for so long. Because I have a beautiful head of hair. White women think

that every white man has the opportunity to be Don Draper when in reality the vast majority of them are just going to be sling blade. Yep. Or the guy who's talking to sling blade at the beginning of the movie. Or the scary guy. Yeah, the boy JT Walsh.

Yeah, that scene is really scary. Never seen sling blade. Dude, that movie. You should watch it. Sling blade is one of the best movies ever made. Alright, I'll watch it. I'll put it on the list. I think what I'm going to do, I think I'm going to after the snow clears maybe I'll start my 32nd year this way.

I think I'm going to do fitness February in the mornings and then I watch three movies. And you're going to take a Blue Chew. And then I work out hard and when I say hard I don't mean with a lot of effort. I mean dick on swole thanks to bluechew.com the nation's

premier leading dick chewables website in the fucking universe. This, my friends, this product is so gorgeous. It's changed our lives. I can make you suck penis. I can make you dick on.

If you take Blue Chew. There you go. There it is. That's how you do it. Good job. Dick get hard. I can make you dick bigger with a blue chew. You have to chew it. I can make you suck penis.

I can make you suck penis. I can make you suck penis. Yo, it's neck. Yo, it's neck for the sex that says the punk king. Show me your breast that says the fat shit bounce with me. The grating, the praving, the bouchering, your naked on the couch with me. Bitch,

can't you fucking you're ass through your fishnacks, cutting queues, you're bound to eat shit next, a tit-fast, some fucking dumb blondes till my dick is numb, hold it, the scum, sticking a gun in your cunt for fun, fake it, make him believe I'm raping, you're choking, you make you cum, it's edgy play, be careful,

fuck around and murder you by my sake and leave you dead in a bed slayed. That's what I'm thinking about when I take a picture. Who is that? Knarzy's own. Necro. Who likes that?

Me. Present? Yeah. It's a song you ironically like, but then also it's good. It's cool that he samples time of the season.

Is that what he samples out? Yeah. Suck my dick. You're a dumb bitch, you're a dumb bitch. Fuck you Adam. Your dick isn't hard, but it could be if you took

bluechoo.com If you like sex then you'll love bluechoo.com I love that they really not bluechoo, it's bluechoo.com that you love. This is my favorite part of this ad.

Yeah, if you love sex you'll love bluechoo.com. You'll love going on the website. You'll love using the website. You'll like the interface, you'll like the flat design, the UX. But here's such my penis. Suck my balls. Let's do the straight talk express right now.

Alright, let's suck my balls. There's enough bullshit on this show. Let's get on the straight talk express right now. I'm with you. John McCain. Let's get on the straight suck off express. And let me tell you this McCain style. Let's call our

wife a cut in front of the reporters. Exactly, and let me say this. If John McCain had taken bluechoo he would not have died. He would have been alive. He'd be alive right now. Cause all his blood would be getting work out. When I was in Vietnam I always used to imagine

that my penis could get hard. The Vietnamese they did everything they could to help me. They tied my dick up to ropes and hung me from it. No matter what they did, my dick was still small and useless. That's why my daughter is so fat because I had slow sperm.

Yeah, that's true. When your dick is short and limp, only the weak sperm gets through. Cause it's interesting. The faster ones are, you know, it's sort of a tortoise in the hair scenario. They're a napping. That's the problem with the tortoise in the hair story.

It's a story about a rabbit who of course won the race and he's so bored because he's already so talented. They let some retard tortoise win. But guess what? Now the race is over and you're still some faggot turtle. The rabbit's out there getting pussy. And fucking

for so true. And that's what you can do at bluechoo.com if you take it at bluechoo.com. Have sex with my ass. Fuck me in my ass. You get to fuck Nick in his ass with bluechoo.com. Fuck me in my mouth and ass.com. How many guys listening wouldn't be stoked to fuck Nick in the ass because they would just get to hang out with him.

Sounds like projection. No. I get to hang out with you all the time. You're hitting me up and you're like can we please go on a romantic date? I've never asked you to do that. Stop for the last time. I have a wife.

Kids. This is a character I do on the show. It would be so funny if you were just a guy named like Joshua. And at the end of the day I go back to being Benjamin Feinstein. Actor. Son of famous composer Jonathan Feinstein.

So fucking true. Who wrote all of the music to Save the Last Dance. Oh yeah. The composer of Save the Last. I'm sorry to remake that movie but it's called Save the Last Piece of Pussy.

Ba. Yes. And I haven't seen the movie but I imagine it's like now I'm just thinking of Dangerous Minds. Yeah. I haven't seen any movies. Dangerous Minds isn't that a movie?

Blutue.com. No it's a movie. Dangerous Minds. Hold on. No it's Michelle Pfeiffer. She teaches. She's a fucking autistic guy who solves crimes. No, no, no, no, no.

You're thinking of the mentalist. She's a fucking guy. Blutue.com and get your first order free when you use promo code CumTown. Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechu.com. And he gets your dick card by the way. Blutue's Chewables are made in the USA.

Blutue gives you confidence every time. Chew it and do it. Chew it and do it you fuckers. Here's how it works. You go to the website. You set up an appointment. They zoom you into a physician. A big titted lady in a lab coat. She's a real nerd dude. What the hell? She's wearing glasses.

The pills are out the door the next day in discreet packaging. Showing up to your house, your neighbors think you're buying pieces of a gun. You're buying 80% lowers to assemble your own AR-15 in your apartment. But really, it's dick pills. That's right.

Inconvenient, excessive packaging. It's not bad accession. It is too much packaging. But here's the thing. It's not specifically a bluechu problem. Everything across the board now. It should just come in the envelope. Especially in the Amazon era. There's so much packaging.

Let me just say this. Fuck Bezos. Stepping down as CEO. What's he doing now? It's the time to drink penis. To drink my penis. To drink a cup of dick. To suck on my penis. On my penis.

And suck on my balls. I'm gay. But go to my asshole. And log on to bluechu.com. And use promo code. And use promo code. I'm trying to finish the read. And use promo code.

Don't come down. Damn. I want some Reese's Mineratures. How do you say that word? Mineratures. Mineruchers. I'm doing it so easily. Mineratures.

Mineratures. It's a fucking hard word to say. It's not that hard. If you have a tongue that dances like mine, it's not even a fucking problem. I just googled it. Should I get into... Should I get into doll houses?

Yeah. Just become the gay man you've always been. No. The problem is thinking that I'm impeded in any way from being as much as a faggot as I am. You are? No. I'm full force.

100% constantly. Then you'd be making little miniatures. Unceasing. You'd be making... You honestly would be making little boats. Relentlessly ceasing. Relentlessly unceasing. You know, it was Einstein that said

the greatest achievement of all time is a black man with a library card. Yup. And then brother... I don't think he said that. Yeah, he did. What? When they didn't have harpers.

Yeah. He said that? Yeah. I don't remember that. That seems pretty fucked up to me. But what do I know? I'm just a cute little fucking slut with a medium sized prick

that gets the job done even though it's touching ghosts from time to time. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, she'd get dollhouses and afford Model T. And drive around with a big coat on

and a big scarf and driving goggles. And the goggles, yeah. But then completely nude from the waist down. So I pull up to a place and I got big driving gloves on and people see me with the top down. A woo-ga! As I pull in the parking spot. Then I take my elaborate gloves off

and my goggles and the scarf. And I step out of the car and everyone can see my penis and ass. I like that idea. And then I go to jail. Oh yeah, I guess because they didn't have windshields on the first ones, huh? No, they had windshields.

The world was colder. People don't understand because of global warming we had to switch to Fahrenheit from Celsius because they were like, all right, well the numbers. We need more numbers. Yeah. You remember when they added area codes to phone numbers? Remember back in the day you used to be able to

you used to be able to pick up the phone. And dial seven numbers. Dial seven numbers. That was something else. And then they rolled out the ten number thing and they had to teach it to children with a cartoon phone. Yeah, I remember that. I was pissed off.

You know what nobody remembers? It got memory hold because it was brief. And I think it was just test marketed in the mid-Atlantic. Your penis. Got milk thing. What? Milk had a mascot that was basically just the Philly fanatic for like a six month period.

I don't remember that at all. It was a blue milk guy. What? I'm telling you, it got memory hold. Is this a Mandela effect right here? Are you about to remember something that never happened? No, it absolutely happened.

What didn't happen is you What? Having my respect. That's happened before. On a few occasions, that's happened. What was his name? The Got Milk Monster? It was just called the milk thing.

Oh, is that the swamp thing? The Got Milk mascot. Elsie the cow? No. I'm telling you, this is a Mandela effect if I've ever seen one. You're about to get Mandela dude. Yeah.

It's just a Philly fanatic. It's just a blue Philly fanatic. I think you're lying. From the Middle Atlantic Milk Marketing Association. Wow. That's right, where you guys both grew up as a food fan and a child didn't remember it.

He wasn't eating anything healthy. Yes, I was. What's this thing? Look at this horrible ad. Is that the Benny Hillsong? I only remembered it because it looked like the Philly fanatic and then things that look

like you're a child and you're trying to understand structures in the world and so you just accept that as a category. Of things that exist. Different types of fanatics. There's an orange one out there that just manages the Italian American Association.

What's the thing? Gritty. That's what I was trying to remember. But people think he's so antifa or something. There's a meme where people try to make him hate fascism or something. I think he's for chaos more than anything.

Oh, Gritty is an anarchist. I think Gritty is an anarcho fascist. He's an anarchista. What do anarchists do? They just don't think anyone should be the president basically and there should be no president. Anarchists are all 13.

We should have a boogaloo boy on the show to interview him and just ask him what he thinks about the grassy. We should watch an episode with him live. Do you think if you'd got your Civil War that we'd still have the grassy? Because we'd be relying on Canada

for entertainment. And honestly the shit that makes it over the border not really. We only get the best of Canada and the worst of Mexico. They save all the good food for themselves and then send the rapists and murderers here. We got tacos.

We don't get good tacos. Yeah, we do. We don't get them in New York. But we get them in fucking LA and shit. Mexican families will come here. They'll start a Mexican restaurant first generation. It's great. And then the spoiled children take it over.

And then the menus start graphic designing the menus. Yeah, it's fucking terrible. They laminate the menus. That's when you know it's bad. Let me make this clear. That stands true across the board in every instance. That is actually true. Second generation Greek restaurants

are horrible. You need that shit where the motherfucker doesn't speak English. There's some good Mexican food in New York. Where? You just need to know where to find it. That one truck, which was pretty good. It wasn't in Jackson Heights. You just love saying that, don't you?

It was fine. It was good. But it wasn't like... How about this, pal? Guys, chill out here. We're doing double birds at each other. Does Goro ever used to do four middle fingers? That'd be so sick. If I had four hands,

that's what I would be doing constantly. In the Goro's type situation. If I was a Goro, I would be doing four middle fingers constantly. I was just going to say that. For finger popping reasons? That would be awesome. As soon as quarantine ends,

I'm going to Six Flags and flipping off the roller coaster camera. If I was a Goro, the thing I cannot wait to do is double middle fingers right at the fucking Superman ride of steel camera.

Isn't Universal Studios and everything open in Florida right now? We should go to Disney World, dude. Florida is completely open. Dude, honestly, I said that and now it's like we should do a little Universal Studios. I'm not going to Florida. In Miami, the club is open. We get on the Tower of Terror

and the elevator's not going up and stuff. It's a fun ride, everybody. So scary. Everybody's like, boom! We waited in line for nine hours. That ride is not scary. What's nice is waiting in line.

Oh, my God. That was the worst part, Nick. I love waiting in line. How do you get fast pass? You have to pay extra money so you can skip the line? Blast pass. That's what rich kids always got. What is fast pass?

You got a pass where you can just skip the line all day. What you do is you get a wheelchair and you pretend to be handicapped. That's what I would do. I remember seeing a Hispanic family at Six Flags taking turns being handicapped every time. I was like, God, I love that.

Big respect for that. I'm like, I wish I had the audacity. When America comes back, we're going to be sampling all the best coasters in America. We're going to finally go to Cedar Point, Ohio and ride on. I'm not a coasters guy, man. Really? Why not?

Because the physics? Again, I am well within the realm of fat that can go on. What's the biggest coaster you've ever been on? I went on one on Paramount, MotherfuckingKingsDominion. I went to... Were you scared?

I was scared. I was tricked into it. You're scared? Yeah, I don't like roller coasters, man. You're a scaredy cat. You're a frady cat, dude. My friends lied to me. They said it was only one loop. There was some kind of indoor alien themed roller coaster.

There was a bunch of shit. The picture, which is me, scrunched all the way the fuck up. Not having a good time at all. I didn't photograph funny. Scared him. That's a 17-year-old who's a fucking bitch in a coward.

He's a pussy. Really? That's how it looked. A 17-year-old pussy. Who won't be getting pussy for another six years? It will be quite some time before that young man gets his dick sucked. You know Nick is the emotionless dead-eye guy on the roller coaster? No.

You might be having fun. Nick, do you put your hands up on a roller coaster? Um... Or are you all business? No, you're right, Adam. He puts on his pants one leg at a time. He puts on the tie. Fuck roller coasters.

Roller coasters are cool. I love them, dude. I fucking love them. It's funny, because as a kid you're like, oh, that's terrifying, but there's nothing to be afraid of. You could fucking break. You could die. That's scary. Once again, the physics.

It sounds like a physics problem. It's a workplace safety issue. That's your workplace. More like a pork place. No. And I would love to go to a pork place. It's not the OSHA guide. It's the Orca guide.

This is my place of pork. I was almost killed in Wildwood, New Jersey teacups. Buffalo Wildwoods. Wait, you were almost killed out of a spinny team. I was. I was the pregame.

The pregame. I did not do that. When I go to B Dub Dub, I certainly have a nice amount of wings, but I order everything there. I don't bring any of my own food into prime. No, I saw you take a backpack. That's purely coincidental.

I had a friend in high school. Shout out to the White Marsh Maryland mall B Dub Dub's where me and my brother in the early 2010's saw a lot of UFC pay-per-views. I was a UFC guy when I was in college.

It was a really fun bonding experience with my brothers. They both have kept up with the sport. I have not so much. I have transitioned more into watching basketball. But that was always a big bonding experience with my boys. Going to B Dub Dub and getting absolutely fucked up. How about a James bonding experience?

I would love if James Bond fucked my mom. That would be cool. You guys would be mad if Sean Connery fucked your moms? It would be cool. I got to step dad in general. I'm trying to do drugs and watch Casino Royale. I just fucked up one time. Casino Royale was so good.

I watched it not too long ago. I had a period where I was into making soup and watching James Bond. Nice. I watched it. I watched it. I was watching James Bond. And that was great.

A lot of people say my body looks a lot like this. No! Daniel Craig walks out of the ocean in that movie. He doesn't look jacked at all. People say I have a very similar body to that. It looks like somebody that just did 10 push ups. Alright. You have got to stop lying to yourself.

He looks great. A lot of people say that I have the same body as them. You both need to stop lying to yourself. He's a small man. Apparently. I don't know. 4'10", 4'11". Let me look up his height.

Look it up. I think he looks... James you know what he does is he smokes because she dreams. James Cron. He's 5'10". 3 inches taller than normal height.

That's a lie. You're not 5'10". You're not 5'10". Yes I am. No you're not. Prove it. I did. I measured you when you were sleeping. Pain is 2 inches.

Brain IQ of 4. I can't argue with that. But I need... If you're measuring me I need an independent auditor. We measured his IQ while he was sleeping. He's one of the dumbest people. Sleeping people. If you're measuring me I need

Price Waterhouse Coopers. Shut the fuck up for a second. Let's talk about Cushy Dreams. CushyDreams.com is one of the most... One of the gayest websites. One of the gayest websites. It's funny. There's definitely no Bluetooth.

But they offer a full lineup of premium smokable CBD. He doesn't get your dick hard but it does get you sort of high. They specialize in extraordinary hemp flour, a.k.a. Bud. Pre-roll CBD joints join the group of adults

who are sick of vapes and gummies. And want to smoke their CBD. We want to smoke that shit. What the fuck do I look like a baby? And that was legally shipping to all 50 states. All 50, 50, 50 states. The primary talking points are thus. It looks like high quality marijuana.

It smells, it feels like high quality. Smokes like it. It tastes like it. CBD content is up 20% some of the highest in the game. The attention to detail is noticeable in every... It's good shit. Most other CBD shit does not work.

For real. But when you smoke it, maybe it's psychosomatic, but it does feel like something as opposed to absolutely nothing. It 100% does. You get a little something. You get a little buzz going. It helps me sleep.

I do have a little fogginess when I smoke regular weed. It makes me feel like I've just spent the entire day smoking weed. Right. You're toasted. You feel good. You're relaxed. You're like, man, I'm dying. That was a good day.

You know what it feels like? This is the selling point for cushy dreams. If you smoke cushy dreams, it'll feel like that day we went to the Amish market and then hung out at George's house. That sounds nice. Was that the day with the cuck? That was one of the best days of all time.

And then also just savagely eating the chicken in the parking lot. And then there were those construction workers there that were having some kind of conversation that was fucked up. You don't remember that. We were right outside the Amish market. I remember eating the chicken. There were construction guys

that were having some conversation that was wild. I can't remember what it was. But I remember not being able to comment. They threw out the rape charge. It wasn't that, but it was something like that. Did they fuck a girl on Rumspringer? I remember being at a diner with my friend one time

and there was two guys at a booth behind us. We couldn't hear most of their conversation. But then one of the guys goes, Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, the girl that got gangraped, she got shot in the face. Wow. Wow.

That's a tough fucking look. When the music stops. I would say that's a couple L's back to back. Independent lab testing shows compliance and purity grown in California and Oregon. Each plant is hand selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts. It's an alternative

for people looking to cut back on smoking other things. It makes as well Like poll. Like smoking. It's slow cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserve flavor. I love it.

They take the artisan approach. It's a small batch. That sounds inefficient and gay to me, but whatever floats your boat. It's quality though, brother. It's good shit, I'm telling you. 100% hand trimmed. Ever machine trimmed? No, fuck that.

They got real slaves. It's a breakdown. They got three lines. They got private reserve, ultra premium and premium and each one is soaked in the respective type of gasoline. Each can size is three and a half grams which is an eighth.

I love that. Nitrogen seal. A little bit less than me. You got six strains. You got relax, peace, create, hustle, dream, energy and dream. And all of them do that. And all of them do those things. So go to cushydreams.com spelled K-U-S-H-Y dreams.

Check out use promo code COMTOWN C-U-M-T-O-W-N for 20% off your first order. Smoke your CBD because you can. Again, that's cushydreams.com That's right. K-U-S-H-Y dreams. Promo code C-U-M-T-O-W-N. Smoke your CBD because you can.

Because you can. One of the honestly best slogans of all time. Yeah. It's good shit that makes me come in my mouth. Smoke my cock. That's a good logo. Because I'm straight.

I can make you suck penis. I can make you suck penis. I'm pointing it at you. Damn, I love watching the grassy. Yeah, we watched two episodes of the grassy today. Uh-huh. Pretty good day if you ask me. If you swing back and forth you do the grassy

and then trailer park boys. Yeah. I would love, there should be... You're taking the tour of Canada. There should be like the two universes should converge at some point. Send Ricky to that high school. Ricky tiki sucky dicky.

Ricky's Ricky's sucky dicky. Do you think Elliot Page will prize his role as Trinity? How about we're doing a show called Blyring? Who's daughter was he? Elliot?

She was Trinity in the Matrix. Elliot Page was Trinity in the Matrix. I can make you suck penis. Damn. I wonder when it all shakes out how many people are gonna be trans? At least two on this show. They were saying that...

You too. You think I'm trans? Yeah, you'd be a big, fun girl. I would be. You'd be dating like just an incredibly handsome black guy. I'd be sucking so much cock. You'd be Mimi Bobak. No, I wouldn't.

I would not be... Can it, pig! Mimi was wearing too much makeup. I would be doing a natural look. And maybe a muted lip. That's it. Maybe... Maybe a little eyeliner.

Just make her Ohus pop. I don't think so. This is absolutely you to stop. That's 100% you know. I'm hotter than Mimi, honestly. I'm not even fucking lying. No, you're me. Who's the actual played Mimi?

Her name is Mimi Bobak. Kathy Kinney. In a fatter name. That is really a fat bitch's name if I've ever heard it. Mimi Bobak. Is an American actress, voice actress, and comedian. Kathy Kinney. Let's see her not in...

makeup. Oh baby When you shock my dick Oh my dick Damn, she is... Not looking too good. Who, Meow Meow Bobak? Yeah.

She'll always look good to me. You think Drew Carey ever smashed? Yeah, probably. On set? I'm trying to fuck the other lady. Who? Didn't they have a friend that was a girl in that show? Yeah, but she was fine. She could catch it. She could catch the Prickadel.

Yeah, her and Drew dated. Dude... How long has Drew Carey been hosting? It's crazy because there's all these shows that I would never watch now that I've watched every episode of. Yeah, I know exactly. It was just nothing else to do but watch. I've watched so much Scrubs.

The fact that I've seen so much Home Improvement is wild. I've seen probably every episode of Home Improvement. Every episode of Family Memories. I remember when they switched the tool time girl. It was a... Yeah, Bindi. It was the miller is the one I'm thinking of. Yeah.

She could catch it. She's dead. I'm kidding. Thank God. She died from fucking a guy that looks like you. She was crushed to death by a big fat man who tried to give her a hug. Damn.

To this day it appears. Krista Miller, don't worry about it. She was on Scrubs too. That's right. Oh wait, did she? Do you remember the Scrubs song? I'm no Superman. I'm no Superman.

I'm fucking gay. Yeah, Kate O'Brien is the name of the character. Oh, she's married to Bill Lawrence Smart. Secure that prick. Secure that bag for life. Who's Bill Lawrence? Bill Lawrence is the guy who created Scrubs and runs a bunch of shows.

My girl slurped her way to the top. No, she's a good actress too. Just bailing on that immediately? No, we're just having fun. I feel bad because she's hot. Okay, if you want the reality. Let's see what else, Bill. William Van Duzer.

Lawrence IV. That's his name. Van Duzer. Lawrence IV. He's written for many other shows, including The Nanny and Boy Me Trills. Although, you know what, he's got a pretty good Ted Lasso clone.

Oh, he did Clone High. Spin City. That was a good one. Cougar Town. Didn't watch that one. Scrubs, like I said, I did watch quite a bit and I did want to fuck the blonde lady in it. Who had a big breast.

I got something you can scrub now. Why would you need the world science? For your dick? No, so you can do the detail work. They respect it. So I can get in the creases in every little something. Shine that up for your boss.

I'm no Superman. I'm no Superman. Yeah, that was a good show. Shout out to fucking Carla who was also in the Sopranos. She fucked Pauly as well as Turk. Turk's wife fucked Pauly. Pauly walnuts?

Yeah. Who'd he get pussy from? He got pussy from the hot Latina from Scrubs. Really? Yes. I don't remember that. Wow. I feel like I've seen every episode of the Sopranos a million times. Clearly not.

I forgot Pauly fucking anyone other than a fucking prostitute. Pauly had a gumar for a second. Oh. He had a gumar. But he was a... a single adult male. Still, it's... you know what?

That's the thing. I'm looking for a gumar right now even though I don't have a wife. Your grandma? No. I don't want to have a grandma. Yeah, I'm over at my gumad. I want a mistress and I have no wife. You've never had sex here. Yeah.

Just a quick addendum there. And he's never had sex. And he's gay and he's never had sex. Dude, seriously? Can we stop? Stop the show for a second. And he's never had sex. I told you not to tell anyone I don't have sex. Oops.

Alright, we're going to start the show. We're back on Bliring Line. I'm William M. Buckley Jr. I'm a guest today. William, can you admit that I do get pussy? Sure. Yes. Wow.

Is William M. Buckley a black Republican? We don't have to say. We don't have to say. Unless you wanted to jump in. No. I don't want to say what I said before when we were doing that bit. When we had the bar, we're going to have to bleep something again.

I'm not going to say it. Adam was saying something really foul earlier today. That's a weird cap you got on. The colors are weird. It's weird, right? It's tripping me out. You know what it looks like? It looks like a DVD fucks up.

And then it's like those weird colors. Yeah. It changes color when it's stretched out. Wrist is what it's. Small. I can make it. I can put a gun in your face. I can put a gun in your face.

And make you suck my penis. You suck my dick. What do you get in your face? I wonder. What do you wonder? I wonder if Sophie is in heaven listening to us. I hope so. I hope so.

Would you suck my dick if I put a gun to your head? Screech also having cancer is a weird one. He had lung cancer. Was he blasting too many sins? I read an article about the people getting lung cancer even though they never smoked. How do they get it from just going outside?

Damn. Can you imagine how much of a put? How stupid you would feel if you got lung cancer and you're like I never smoke cigarettes. And then you die from it? Meanwhile we're blasting sigs. We're gonna live forever.

A picture of perfect health. We're adonises. Was that a Lewis Black joke? The way to live forever is being a miserable piece of shit. You just go outside every day and hey you fucking kids get the fuck off my lawn. And it's just like taking vitamins.

Great joke. I don't remember. Yeah, I'm sure you don't. You're too busy having lunch when that special came out. I mean probably at some point during the day maybe you remember that it came out. Maybe you remember the type of

I do like a long lunch. I gotta be honest. It's a European style. Of tort now damn now 1-3 cheese tortellini. See what happens. I forgot how much I like tortellini. Dude I haven't had tortellini in forever.

You can go get it. I could. There's a lot of things you can do when you're straight. And when you're a straight man the world is your own state. I want squirtellini dude. I don't want to eat pussy.

We're taking pussy applications. Just send that. I'm looking for a goomar if you're listening. You don't even have a girlfriend. I know that's what makes it. But that's the relationship I want. But he's saying like Paulie had a goomar and no wife. Yeah.

I like the the vibe of a mistress without cheating on anyone. We hang out for one really fun day every couple weeks. She doesn't speak English. It's just going to come fill me with drugs. There's plenty.

Courage me to continue doing drugs. That was the key. That would be of our early friendship. Co-enabling. Just like a leaving Las Vegas situation. An Elizabeth shoe. Uh huh. Except instead of being a prostitute

you're like a lawyer or something. Why? Just like a woman that makes $300,000 a year of filling me with drugs. That would be cool if we all dated professional business type ladies. She's just furious. She spends her whole day being pissed off

and yelling at people. And then it makes her feel good to give me what I want which is heroin. And to jack off your limp penis. She gets control from that. Not even. Just like the way you would feed a cat. Like spitefully.

Because you're not going to bring yourself to kick it. Right. Exactly. That's what I want. I would like that but with getting my dick sucked. Yeah. I would like to get jacked off and my dick sucked

and some pussy as well. Would you fuck my ass? If I was a frankie Would you fuck my ass? Or would you fuck my ass? Or would you fuck my ass? But this sea shanty thing. Have you seen this?

What is that? It's so funny that this dumb shit that's self-explanatory why it's popular. What is this? It's stupid and it's easy to consume. Fuck my ass. But then there's numbers next to it that say that 10 million people

have watched this. It's like the sea shanty explained. Right. It's a fucking boomer. It's a dumb catchy song. It's a song. I think a guy dressed as a buffalo

is going to come into their gated community and rip their mail-in ballot for biden out of their hands and cold roll them in their own garage. That could never happen because I would fuck that guy up. What is sea shanty? Is it fascist?

Please New York Times tell me whether or not this is fascist. I saw Kimmel said that the GameStop boys were all rushing crisis like this. Kimmel's dick is actually incredibly small. He used to be my favorite one. He used to rock.

Who the fuck is on Wall Street side of Wall Street versus anyone debate? That's one of the gayest things. That's the gayest thing you could do, Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. Jimmy Kimmel, you are no longer Las Vegas' favorite son. Did you see that video where it was

after Trump lost, they had CGI of the Statue of Liberty dancing and Abraham Lincoln dancing? On the Kimmel show? It was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. It's so funny that in two years' time what's it called, Dot Night with Lilly Singh

or whatever name this shows, that's going to be what? Yeah, like at midnight. Isn't it that the theme is kind of like a net like a computer show? I don't know what it is. I've never seen it. I assume it's like a late night. I thought it was supposed to be like a web thing.

So it's called Dot Night. Lilly Singh Dot Night. What was the... Microsoft Dot Net. Comedy Dot Night. Dot Night with Lilly Singh. Isn't that the name? That's the name.

Two years, what were you saying? That that'll be the best late night show. Oh, yeah. She'll be the badass one. The only one who doesn't cry on the air. I've watched maybe the first two. The monologue is just... I mean, I don't know.

What else is the rest of the show? She has a guest on that's like an Asian woman that's learning graffiti. What the fuck is that show? Yeah. What is it air on? It's on like a streaming app. It's on Dot TV.

Or did she make Carson Daley's? Is that another online platform? Adam, what are you doing? You got your papers here? I forgot that I got a new insurance card for my car and I still haven't put it in my glove box. Now it's all torn up from being in my pocket.

Trump should have read the writing on the wall when it was clear he wasn't going to win and just spent the last two months in Lula Yolo making Jews wear stars and stuff. Cutting it off right at the end. Yeah. Public executions.

Yeah, he really blew the chance they had. Right. Forcing them to put Abraham Lincoln in blackface in the Lincoln Memorial. They paying that in Biden has to come in and he's like, my first act is going to be clearing off the makeup. We're going to get the makeup off

of Abe Lincoln. Ah, fuck. Yeah, that's what he should have done some shit like that. He should have sucked my dick. It would have been Yolo if that had happened. That would have been a smart money play right there.

That's the motto. I'm hungry. You know what? I just had some of Stoff's delicious chili. I have some chili in the fridge, mate. Yeah, I might have some. I had a nice little sandwich. Where there was a boat called the Captain Fog and the captain was named Adam.

Oh, well, Adam is gay. Adam is gay. The dick is small. And the storm came in and it blew off his pants and everyone saw how small his dick was. And the salesman cried in bold and everyone around the ship they laughed and the laughter blew.

The salesman was hard and they made it back to shore and if it weren't for Adam's dick so small the laughter would be no more and because it was his dick so small they made it all the way home because there was no wind that day and they were all they called him gay.

And Adam is gay and you fuck you. Oh, Adam, you are gay. Your dick is small and you suck my dick. Oh, the fuck my ass. I hate your hat but I want it. I'm telling you right now I don't like the hat. You messed up. No. You said fuck my ass. He was speaking from your perspective.

That was your verse in the song. You were talking to another gay guy and you wanted to fuck you. That part of the song ends with a comma and then a quotation mark and then it says that Adam said it. Scottish

very easily becomes Indian. Yeah. We went down to the store and they didn't have enough for a middle cut in the store. We had to go to the bathroom. You know what I mean? I also like

a running theme in our probably 10 year friendship at this point has been when you do an Indian voice you mention the bathroom. Because it's the best word to say. I can't wait to go to the bathroom. I will always go

and go to the bathroom. I know we're going to the bathroom. Indian voice parenthesis. I can't wait to go to the bathroom. I will take so very many dogs very many dogs I will get salt water money pussy.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah brother. It might be time to eat folks. Thank you everyone for listening. Enjoy the show. You can check it out. We got an extra episode every week at patreon.com. If you want to buy shirts

you can go to come dot town for come town merchandise we have just a couple 2021 calendars left they're $5 or $10 off. So go to stopby.biz and buy yourself a calendar. You can squeeze 10 and a half months out of that calendar

and go.