The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 246 – Indiana Loans

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

this belongs in a bank

I've never had sex before. I've never had sex before We'll be just finished watching wanted a great flick if you're just joining us If you're just joining us live from New York. It's come down. It's come down With musical guest with musical guest the F.A.G Now is Adam you're hosting Adam and your host Adam Friedler featuring it's been a Jumbu Jujibonde

Nazim Padra Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Will Ferrell Donald Trump Donald Trump E Honda But it's a gay version But he's sucking dirt Gay Honda

Jar Jar Binks With his dick out And a 12 year old black girl that has done three tweets With musical director V.A.G. Smith Shouts out yeah, that's a G.E. Yeah, we need a band come down live It's my ass. I'm gay Pictures of my ass my asshole is spread open everyone can see my penis

It's Saturday night, they should let that guy talk for the whole that guy rules the announcer guy It's like this sketch fucking sucks. This is gay bullshit. This shit is not fucking funny There was maybe one punchline in seven minutes. This is barely an idea It ended with a man leaving a room Oh, man, yep. Yeah, you know who actually is that guy now? It's Darrell Hammond He does the announcer the announcer. He's he's He's one of the SNL guys. I will forever rule tiny penis. He's a haunt any He's haunted by demons that guy really truly and it's just you would never know until unless you were told yeah

yeah, my man is a big-time addict and He's getting posse for money. Yeah, he's paying for posse paying for posse Czechoslovakian prostitutes Have you ever been fucked in your ass, I want to have gay sex Musical guest Um Just say somebody

Somebody fuck me What does the fuck say? What does the what are the five fingers say to the face and that's funny? Sorry, I gotta hold on We just said a the old switcheroo here. No sweat Look, can I just say one is quite a fit was quite the film Well, the only thing that would have made it better is if James McAvoy got pussy. I think we can agree That would have been incredible. It was a disappointment

But I like that I like the overarching message that you can bend a bullet advice If you stop being a pussy stop being a bitch and you stop taking your pills If you suck my dick You can eat my ass You can fuck my ass If you want to if you're gay If you want to have sex with me, all you got to do is use a gun

How you doing tonight folks? Beautiful family got there sir. Yeah, it's nice if you want to fuck my mouth You just need a gun Pull out a gun pull out your car You know a lot of people think things went down a hill after I was railroaded out of Vegas by the gay community Doing okay here in Dover You know, I'm here at the local Perkins singing every Thursday night. That's right. Try the meatloaf folks They don't like me, but

You know, I mean you do what you can in life Okay, you do what you can and you get your ass fucked This sketch blow this is bullshit. This is fucking garbage. What about Italian guys and what and they sing Coke Cork Soaker. Oh, that was funny. You say the coca-soca. Yeah, the coca-soca. She's so good a car Yeah, that was funny. No, I'm saying that is an original idea. Yeah, that would be that would be a good Yeah, it's so good a car an original idea Just kid I We're just kidding around

Here's a celebrity doing a really shitty impression And How about something about social distancing Maybe I'll sketch about a zoom But um, yeah wanted you guys want to keep talking about wanted Yeah, sure good movie Yeah, that's what we do wanted, but it's funny like next week. There's a snl sketch where

It's the movie wanted but the guy finds out that he's the subway mascot. That's good assassin, that's awesome. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's okay. Here's how we're gonna test if they're really if they do a sketch You're actually suppose your father was subway Jared it's a movie from 2008 it's a movie from what a coincidence that this came up on this seasons as F snl 15 years ago And now you're the only person Coincidentally we wrote a sketch about it these these threads that are we have decided which children should be fucked Your father was fucking children out of turn and so we had to stop it. Yeah, fuck dude

It was awesome, man. It's just nice to see. What was that? 2000 what year do you know Adam? 2007 yeah, oh before Obama had to ruin it. Yeah, but when America was good, that's right, right? I just loved the fucking the whole vibe. That was like the first year. I was like an adult Oh, seven is when I graduated high school. Yeah Mm-hmm Polly shouts out to the Baltimore Polytechnic Institute class of 07 I

Had him when did you graduate? 2005 the class of 05 fooboo the fooboo 05 Why fooboo because in the fooboo jerseys it was they always had 05 fuck us but us Yeah, fuck us, but Fuck us, but yeah Yep, that's it. I just want to have sex in my Dick and balls

Let me song be on there Yeah, the vibes are very you guys go go treat yourself to little wanted there was a yeah It was big energy drink energy lot of energy drink a lot of Full-body tribals a lot of full-body tribals we had Common making his I'm not gonna say debut, but it was one of his first. Yeah, that's what James McEvoy really that that I feel like was that his what was that his first big movie? No, he was in atonement was me before the moment the fuck is that I only know about it because there's a sex scene with Cura nightly that I've watched a bunch of times

You're in a library off to cure nightly. It's a good sex scene Which how's she getting fuck? She never really did it for me, but the sex scene was how is she getting fucked? I don't know library stuff. It's messed up. You're masturbating without us I know I should I try to tell you guys of all this stuff that I'm not your girlfriend. Hey, it's guys night Yeah guys night. We're gonna just play some poker get some cigars. Yeah, we're doing like the whole The fellas are coming and then we just watch a movie in the garage. We're just sit around smoking cigars and masturbate We have an iPad with the new grounds game where you put clothes on Britney Spears Yeah, we're gaming all right, we're taking them off and we're smoking cigars out in the garage and masturbating

Yeah, just like the fellas are want to do We're gonna we got a we got a emulator game and it's a card game and if you win It's anime girls that Strip see them for about four seconds. Yeah, we're all beating the game and then right when you see those four seconds We're beating off. Yeah, and it's also it's like Nintendo NES graphics. So the titties are square as hell We have we have a TV in the little table and something to a ps2 Yes, it's got Vice City loaded in there and it goes into the strip club. Oh Just being guys to the Vice City strip club VIP

That shit was so hot. Yeah, and if you win the whole game you get the fucking we're masturbating the candy sucks from Vice City That's right candy sucks. What a great name. Awesome. You know, it's another really good name a lot of vagina From Austin Powers. Yeah. Yeah, I That by the way a little peek behind the curtain folks guys What I just described about jacking off to a Emulator card Japanese card game. You did that. I used to do that quite a bit Well, you didn't tell us about that. This one. I was like ten or well, you should have let us know. I'll say twelve. I Was jacking off of ten. I was

Think I started jacking off in six. No jacking off and smoking weed were similar categories in my mind because I couldn't wait to Do it before I did it. I was scared of weed, dude No, I remember I would I would like listen to Pink Floyd with my cousin We're gonna be stoners one day I was so scared to smoke weed because there's my friends. There was actually a Jewish about about a white guy that's murdered by the police and you call him Pink Floyd Okay. All right. I got it. Yeah. Yeah I got it. I wish there was a white guy

I wish I thought I had back when those protests are going on there were mad guys there like what about what about Tyler Copeland? And like who and then it was like, you know, there's some white guy. They got murdered by the police. Yeah I know I love that argument because it's like but you guys also think the police are good But you know what's stupid about the argument is like then go do a protest. Yeah, exactly You're not protesting. You're just bringing this guy up to say that you shouldn't protest Exactly Yeah, that's your that's right. It would have been nice for you to have that in your back pocket when those guys said that Yeah, call whoever they said Pink Floyd, but I will say I was scared because there was a kid in my in seventh grade

Yeah Who was happened to be Jewish and happened to also want to love Pink Floyd and that kind of bullshit Yeah, actually looked a lot like you. I'm not even about a Chinese a Chinese guy The Chinese guy that gets killed by Yeah, okay The white guy so everybody knows it rhymes with that. Yeah, and then a Chinese guy. No, yeah, but that would have to be Because it doesn't run with George So you'd have to have the pink one first. Well, I don't know what you guys are talking about

So I don't know if it's okay about a Chinese psychologist a Chinese psycho in there. Oh, no No, no, no, no No, no, how about that? He's just the Chinese father of psycho analysis, uh-huh you could just call him shrink Oh, no, it wasn't I wasn't going with shrink. It was more. No, I kind of I kind of got as a Freud thing. Yeah It's a pink Freud Yeah, I got it and then but then yeah the other way. Yep I guess shrink also

I didn't mean to alert you to somebody being like I gotta go see a shrink and you're like what the fuck is that and they're like You know shrink and you're like what like Chinese Shrek? Like an Asian version of Shrek I don't think that's where they might Shrek shrink No, I get it, but I'm saying I don't think anyone would think I'm gonna go say my Shrek. Speaking of somebody that isn't you! How about a movie about monsters that they have jobs?

Yeah, but they're all Chinese Chinese How do they go through little doors and night? Ya boo! Boo girl. Boo little girl! Yes, okay, chan- it would be called Chinese monsters Inc. That's what it would be called. Thank you, Cyrus. That's what I thought. That's where my moment went.

Okay. All right. I'm just asking. I'm just bringing up the conversation. How about Blink Fitness? Yeah. No. No. No more of these. Blink Social Security. Okay. That one's already ready-made for you.

We got Brinks because we don't want any Brink people breaking into our house. We don't want Brink people in here. That's not even how they say it. It keeps our Brink guys. Well, we don't want any Brinks. And now we're doing the Brinks home security sketch. It's the Brinks Chinese car rental. How about you try that one out, SNL?

We need to lead them down a dark path. Dude, that's how we destroy the show from the inside. Yeah, Kate McKinnon or whatever. Is that one of the people? She's still on the show? Probably. She's got an airport bag and she's like, oh yeah, I had a car rental reservation.

And they're like, okay, well, just keep in mind this is an enterprise. And then behind him there's a sign that looks like the enterprise logo, but it says N-dash to her price. She's like, I had the Kia. No, like Coupe de Ville. Oh, it's a black-style car.

I see. All right, fine. You can have that one. We don't have any of those cars. Maybe you'd be more interested in going over to, what are the other ones? Alamo.

Budget. Why isn't there one that's... National. Inc. Like Bink. There's National. Remember correctly, is there one called Bink? There is not.

Nice try. Yeah, they just make up one for the sketch. People are like, what? You know, like Bink. You know, like Bink, Reddix, but it's all Chinese guys. And parentheses under the name. By the way,

imagine there was one called Bink. Anything else called Bink? There's a bowling yang and he's like, you need a car, girlfriend. Yeah, that'd be funny. It'd be funny to get a job on SNL and then just in every day in the writer's room be like,

what if there's like a... It's a blockbuster, but there's a gay Chinese guy that works there. They're like, great. I'll give this every sketch. It's a hot air balloon. It's like a 1800s explorer on a hot air balloon.

It's like a... It's a hot air balloon. It's like a 1800s explorer on a hot air balloon and the passenger is a gay Chinese guy. And he's like, how does it stay afloat, girlfriend? It's like through the magic

of hot air. The only hot air I care about is celebrity gossip. Who is... Who is... What's her name? FKA twigs dating. Uh-huh.

That's the kind of hot air. I like girlfriend. Girlfriend. Yeah. That's the T. That's T. Yes, sir. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. You're a plumber showing up and he's like, you said you got a problem with your kitchen sink. Okay. Yeah, but it's... No, it's actually the... No, it's not. No, no.

In fact, sir, please go home. We don't have any problems here. And end of sketch. You must have gotten the wrong number. Yeah. Everything is working just fine. In my house. It's Tinkerbell, but...

No, he's not. Oh, fuck. Okay. Okay. We'll knock. We'll just check that one off the list. Here. Uh-huh.

Oh, fuck, dude. Let's just talk about how hot Angelina Jolie is and wanted. Oh, that's what I was going to look up. I was going to look up the sex scene that Adam jacked off to. Tell him that I can find it.

No. Maybe it's embarrassing in retrospect. Wait a second. I'm looking. It says it was two guys. No, it was a chicken. What the hell? You beat off to the sex scene from... Wait, you don't even see it, kids.

No movies have real gay sex scenes, do they? Just Brokeback Mountain. I've never seen it. I've never seen it either, but somebody says he spits into his hands when he's 21 and it's like, I'm not watching that gay shit. Fuck no.

I'm not watching. Wait, call me by your name. Yeah, but do they have gay sex in that movie? I don't know. It's your favorite movie. They don't have gay... It would be disgusting if they did. I thought they did. I mean, I know they kiss.

No, they just sort of hang out by the beach together. I watched it and I don't remember them having gay sex. It was nice because it's a movie where you could see how... Oh, this could clearly be about normal people. Yeah, if this was about... It's about the universality

of sort of fleeting romance. It's not about a couple of homos. Going puck wild at each other's asses in Europe. Which is a plenty that happens quite a bit. Just taking each other's ass to the fucking state fair.

Just... hauling them out there and putting a couple ribbons on them. Yes, sir. Best in show goes to your ass after I fuck it. What are you looking up at? I'm trying to find the sex scene.

First of all, you don't even see breasts. I just want to make sure that it's hot. Just so for my boys. He just kind of fucks her up against the library. Yeah, I kind of... I like that. Listen, if I was in that situation I would fuck a chicken

or a library. It would be hot to pull my cock out of a tuxedo and fuck a girl. But I'm not. I'm a guy over here and I want to look at breasts. No, but that's how I aspire to be. I aspire to be a... So what do you jack off to scenarios?

I didn't even really jack off. I kind of just watched it and enjoyed it. Did you get hard? The truth is we talk about this all the time jacking off to movies. 13 seconds long. They're a little longer than that. I mean, most...

But they are. You would agree. I would agree they're shorter than... They're incredibly short. You don't see any pussy. You don't see pussy. You don't see penetration. But you see a couple of bouncing titties. Which is a big part of what I like. The point of enjoying a movie sex scene

is not the titillation of... It is seeing an actress. It is seeing an actress simulate sex. So you could be like, that's what it would be like to have sex with... The point of enjoying... Nicole Kidman.

The point of enjoying a movie sex scene is to jack off to completion to it. I beat off to a lot of quick sex scenes and I watched them over and over again almost on a loop. So you got to go in like a jiff. But I need to see some sliver of skin. You know, I'll admit,

I... I actually jacked off to... Sexy from Escape from Dan and Mora. Where... What's your face? What is it? Oh, that was a TV show, right? Right. What's your name? Patricia Arquette.

Who I've jacked off to many times. She's a little bit... What did you say? Patricia Arquette blocked me. John Cusack blocked me. Why? I've never interacted with them. Yeah. Speaking of, if you enjoy the blockchain,

you'll love... Um... Like, uh, Super Speciosa. Oh, yeah. You'll love... This legal drug. You will love it. And listen, it may...

Alright, it's called Get Super Leaf. Get Super Leaf. And Super Speciosa. Getsuperleaf.com Well, I'm gonna go there with you now. I'm there right now. We're on the net right now. We're gonna read about Super Speciosa,

which I've been told I'm pronouncing wrong. And we sent a video to pronounce it correctly. And we have not opened that video. And I've not opened it because, first of all, I'm learning disabled. That's right. And that's even a learning disabled man

like me can get pure cratum. That's right. We are too stupid to pronounce it correctly, but we're not too stupid to order it. Neither are you. Cratum? Um, they have... So here's the deal. Is it cratum? I don't know. Cratum?

I thought Super Speciosa was the thing you're pronouncing wrong. Oh, yeah, it is. Well, then let's figure this out. Alright, Premium Botanical Speciosa. Look, they accept Visa and Mastercard. They got Cratum Powder. And they got Capsules. And they sent it to me. They also...

I'm not sure, but they sent me the powder and the capsules. I've done both. I kind of prefer the capsules because it sort of regulates. Takes the guesswork out of it. Takes the guesswork out of it. You just have a cool about 16 of them. Yeah.

Which is definitely way more than they recommend. But I tell you what, when I'm doing blow and I'm hanging out with my pals, I'm going to need even more of more of them. And it's totally safe. Yeah. I

haven't had the pleasure of trying the product. But I can imagine it's wonderful. Because from what I understand, get super leaf that time. That's G-E-T-E-S-U-P-E-R-L-E-A-F dot com. That's what you mean.

Slash come town. And it says sound it out in the email because I've had it with Especiosa. You can do it. It's not that hard. You should be able to read. For 20% off for 20% off your order.

That's a fucking hell of a goddamn steal if you ask me. But the brand is Super Especiosa. The URL is getsuperleaf dot com. You hear that slash come town. You know what I saw? It was recently popular.

You know what? We're just going to... No, but it has to do... Zip it. You're going to plug it in and play the video? We're going to play the video. That way we make sure that I'm not... Bob Marley took this every day. Is that so?

Yeah, that was the leaf that he was talking about. Everyone thinks it's marijuana. And it's the mother and child's pussy. And you can see And the mother's pussy you can see it. And the child sees the mother's pussy

and the child then is upset. That's awesome. This is cool. We could just play video. We don't even have to do peace. I love that. I'd love that.

I like the guitar. This guy's making tea, I guess. Oh, so that's something you could do. That seems like the pussy way to do it. I just put it in water and drink it. Why don't you put on your sweater? We missed the part where he says it. I was saying it right.

You were saying it right the whole time. That's fucked up. I'm gonna go back and say it. It's probably an Italian guy. It's super special. You gotta do it fucking come on. Super special. Like you're ordering a whore.

I want some Speciosa pussy. I wanted the specialist kind of pussy you got. Birthday pussy pal. Alright, so yeah. Let me just go back here. You know it's my birthday soon. Maybe I could buy some birthday pussy. Yeah, so anyways.

What if your friends are playing a buying anthem? Hold on, this shit ships to all the every state. Every fucking state. Every state. In Puerto Rico. It's very helpful.

It's really helpful. It's not due to FDA regulations we are not legally permitted to state that it is helpful for the treatment of any diseases and conditions. With the exception

of Down syndrome. The FDA has announced that Cratum is the only cure for Down syndrome. I'm actually looking at the paper and it looks like you put that in with your own hand. I put it in in CRAN and somehow in a CRAN email.

2020 has been a rough year and Cratum can help. What are you doing? He's trying to sneeze out of his ass. I'm just fucking getting a little ab workout in the middle of the recording. They don't adulterate, concentrate or enhance their product in any way.

It's straight from the mother guy as pussy hole. Straight from mother of the earth dude. It's with mother. It's like drinking kombucha but for drugs. Super special. It's like drinking kombucha but for drugs.

Beautiful turn of phrase. I would want to try to put some of that in some kombucha. Kombucha is probably just barely hanging on anyways. Absolutely. Don't try to get fancy with it. It tastes like dog shit.

Gulp it the fuck down or get the capsules. Then it's like you're taking your vitamins. Yeah. It's healthy. You take that of Flintstones kids. What separates them from their competitors is that most

creative brands are manufactured in really poor conditions. Some assholes garage. Nasty. Sometimes these are home based businesses selling products out of their garage like Amazon. Amazon started that way.

Now Jeff Bezos is jacked. He fucking stepped down. I know. They posted some picture of him. He looks like fucking stupid but hypothetical somebody should shoot him in the head. Has potentially unsafe levels

of bacteria because it is sourced from Indonesia. And we all know about those dirty Indonesians. Third world country without modern food safety. Is that where it's coming? Most of it is sourced in Indonesia. Third world country without modern food safety standards.

Oh that's true. The other the competitors. Use dirty Indonesians. But this is good white. Yeah. This isn't Ongbok style. Things like salmonella

E. coli mold are common. They pasteurize their cratum which means they fill it with milk I think. They put in a fucking tub of milk. They boil the milk. They sift it. They meet the American Cratum Association standards for quality.

Which you know is a very serious organization. They're passionate about what they do folks. Just like us. If anybody knows passion it's me. Imagine someone who is passionate about the shows I am. Being that passionate about making cratum.

They care as much about cratum as we give a fuck about doing this podcast. So you know it's good and safe. Definitely wouldn't cut corners. Can you imagine if this podcast was something you had to eat? Yeah.

That would be tight. That would be awesome. If you had to put it in your body. We should figure out how to do that dude. Come town suppository. You're not allowed to suicide effects. Here's what it is. We get molds made of our cocks.

Anyways. It's a suppository invite. This shit is good if you're trying to get off a dope apparently. You don't want to take medicine or methadone. This is all from Nick's personal opinions by the way.

Let me make something very clear. Super special. So it's not paying us to get superleaf.com slash come town. Get superleaf.com is not paying us to say that you can kick heroin with this. If you or anyone on your team

has any interest you can skim through this presentation recently given by Dr. McCurdy. Who is a leading freedom researcher from the University of Florida. What is the University of Florida? I'm a professor and seeing how many titties you can fuck.

Yeah basically. Gainesville baby. He's been granted funds from Nita at the direction of Congress. Let me know if you have any questions. Get superleaf.com slash come town. How horrible.

Beautiful. Go do that you fucking. Or you're out of that. You're out of that. You're off the team. You're off the fucking squad. And go by the way once these fucking checks you see Dave Portnoy lost seven hundred thousand dollars. I thought he said he was going to lose two million.

He said he lost seven hundred thousand on GameStop. Well he's a friend of the show. Was he holding the line? Was Portnoy holding the line? He's saving small business. I'm buying these stocks. I'm saving the small business dollars. I don't understand your Portnoy impression.

He's more boss. It sounds like that. I don't think he's more boss. He's from Boston. He's not not. I mean I haven't heard him talk. I'll be honest. I've heard him talk like. Well when he speaks I listen.

Whatever. I liked his video. I'm coming for you Dave. I'm listening to his videos. One of these days I'll sound exactly like you. I'm calling into your company. I'll be like some of the money to my bank account. That's a great idea.

It's me Dave. Is that the stool Presidente? It's me. I'm calling in. We're doing a wire. The name on the account is Adam Friedland. He's my new accountant. He's my accountant. He's my son at the hem.

At any point you figure out. This is me. But in this event that it's ever not me. Yeah. Make sure you know Adam Friedland is the one who did the fraud. And not some other guy.

That he's very closely associated with. It's entirely him. No questions about it. Oh fuck yeah. That'd be awesome dude. Call in and make everyone who subscribes to Barstool subscribe to us instead.

Using your voice. How about Jar Jar Stool? I love gambling. Jar Jar Stool banks? How about Asian Jar Jar banks? No. No Adam don't ask him any follow up questions.

Misa love the smoke show of the week. Misa love taking the can't lose parlay. Jar Jar banks some security. That's good. There you go. But don't try and backdoor into the other thing again.

Backdoor huh. I did hear that there's a beef brewing. Between? I don't want to start shit but I heard that. Started out bro. I heard that gas digital and Barstool sports. Oh no. I heard that they're going to fight. Is there a fight?

I don't know that's just what I heard. What are they beefing about? I don't know. I heard they were talking smack. My name is Louis J Gomez. I'm calling in the Barstool to get the bank account information. Hey doggy. It's me. It's the press.

It's me Louis. Can I get the bank account information? That would be a good beef to start. Honestly. I'm not trying to do that. Me watching the sting one time. Calling a bank America. My name is

fucking Louis J Gomez and or Dave Portnoy. Whichever one of me has an account. Listen. I'm in the middle of a jam and I need my bank account information so I can buy

bitcoin online. I'm in a jam. You could just give me all my cash. Just tell me my information.

A real tight spot. Spot. There's more of that. I'm having a spot of gay sex. I'm Dave Portnoy. I'm Dave

Portnoy. I'm Dave Portnoy. I'm gay for gay porno here. Porno is so throwing the O every once in a while feels really good.

It feels good. It feels good because it's good to call people homo. You think? I think homo and porno both happen to have the advantage of ending in the

O. The O is the powerful thing. I don't think the O derives its power from homo. Quite the contrary. It's the opposite. Any word that ends in that kind of O.

Daddy O is better than daddy. Shlomo is a hilarious. If you want to make fun of a Jewish guy, pick that name because it's got the O and it sounds stupid. What else? Stevo rules. There's no way you can

like a guy named Stevo. Anything that ends in a hard O is a great fucking O. Even a hard O. Australians and Canadians love adding O. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did that dumb shit in Australia where they call it a Y at the end of

the movie. They shorten it and add a Y. You know? Yeah. They use my phony. That's right. Yeah, they call refugees refos. Refos, abos. Yeah. That's a bad word.

We're going to do ban the podcast. Dude, you just got us banned in Australia. All right. Fuck, dude. How about this? Now Australia is banned from the United States. Take that, you fucking idiots. Take that, you idiots. Thanks for supporting us in the Iraq war, you fucking dumbasses.

Yeah. Yeah, I went to Iraq. I went to Iraq. I saw people talking about war crime O's. Oh, you know, they named Iraqis. Yeah, we had the kids from Iraqis. Iraqis, yeah. Yeah, we did it.

We blew up a a Moscaredo. Yeah. Mosireos. Mosareducios. We did a sport. We just did we did HAIPS ethnic cleansing. I'm having a homo in me ass.

I'm having a homo. Oh, I had a really good homo the other day. I had a good heaps homo. Oh man, even heaps gay sex. It's like taking a fetter out of a pillow guys. Damn, I want a good ostrich. It's like Pringles. Once, yeah, once you pop, I find a man's penis is like Pringles.

You know, gay sex is kind of like Pringles, once you shove the can in your ass. That's it, it's lights out. It's time to shove other things in there. If I could fit an entire Pringles can in my ass, who knows who it's next? So true. So true. So true.

So we should just, we should just move to Australia to do the show because we're more popular over there, but then fake the accent immediately. Right. I'm like, no, we're just trying to, because when we come to a country, we learn the language. We're able to speak. So is it a message to your language? This is a message for the Mexicans and Guatemalans back in America. No, it isn't.

Yes. No, no. Just a bit. And I'm saying when we're in Australia, we're saying this because then it won't be racist because it'll be such an alien political issue that there's no way you could be interpreted as racist because it's like, I don't know. I don't know any better. I don't, I don't live in America.

Yes, but we're from America. No, we're Australian now. And it's different. So I'm allowed to hate people from Veracruz. No, you're not. No. Is it that hard to learn English? I did it.

I learned Australian. I moved to Australia and I learned English very quickly. Without issue, I picked up the language. There's no problem on that, huh? No problem whatsoever. I picked up the language very quickly. Anyway, like I had Guatemalan guy that taught himself English by watching like, you know, Masterpiece Theater or something.

Yeah, he only had PBS. Like he only had Masterpiece Theater on DVD. Well, hello. Yeah, he's like, good evening. Good evening. Are these the Tokyo? Do you have any denim jackets with Winnie the Pooh? What do you happen to have a t-shirt from the thrift store that says Princess?

Do you have anything featuring Tigger? You have this little vest of the cat dressed like a cholo. I was wondering if you had an early 2000s skateboarding backpack that I could fit a bottle of Mickey's in. Well, if you like getting trashed off of Mickey's in the Home Depot parking lot, you're going to love what manscaping. You're going to love shaving your cock. Shaving your cock with a man's script, Reno.

Okay. It's a great product. A lot more 2.0. It's got a light. You tell them. Hey, fellas, we're in the thick of winter and the storms are brewing. Actually, we shoot on their copy, but they're the only ones that actually put effort. They do the best job, I think.

Yeah, it looks like one to three inches are in the forecast. So you know what that means, stuff. Adam's about to show us his penis. No, it's either soft or completely hard. It depends on if it's one or three. They didn't say that. I think that's what they said. It looks like one to three inches are in the forecast.

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One time I cut my penis and balls off while you were using a straight. I was using a straight right here. I was in the blackout basement in Bergheim trying to shave up. I was shaving and showing my son how to shave all of the opening scene in Gangs of New York with this straight razor. And I cut my penis and balls off before the big neighborhood fight with the nativists. That sucks. And my son went to clean off the blade and I said,

no son, leave the penis on the blade. Always leave the penis on the blade. Lawnmower 3.0 is the best hygiene tool for the modern man. It's waterproof. It's got a ceramic blade and advanced skin safe technology. So if you're a snag, oh, you don't snag. You will not snag. There'll be no snagging whatsoever.

No snag guarantee. You can shave in the shower or even in the jacuzzi. I don't know. Damn, that's wild. As much as it's waterproof, it's like water resistant. You can't know. This is, they have NASA people working on this. You can shave in space. This is the way Aquaman shaves his cock.

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As somebody who got all that stuff, I'm saying it's really good. Yeah. I like the travel bag. You'll notice how nasty nose and ear hair is. In fact, a 79% partner has polled, admitted that long nose hair is a major turn off. I think I have that. Might as well use the best tools to do the job. The bundle also comes with the crop preserver, ball deodorant, and crop reviver ball toner.

Well, you know, talcum powder was giving bitches pussy cancer? Are you serious? Yeah, rubbing it in breast cancer too, I think. By putting it in your pussy? By putting it on your underarms and your pussy. Interesting. You could probably use this shit on your pussy also. Don't let the name fool you.

Some of you, yeah, Manscaped, not all men have cocks. Some of them have pussy. Yeah, some of our folks out there, like Elliot, what's your face? What's his face? Page. Elliot Page is a man. Could use some of these, this powder on his pussy. Yeah, on his, no, man.

If he decides to have a cock, he can use it on his cock. If he keeps his pussy, he can put it on his pussy. Seder, do you, Doyle? What's the male? Sadeer. Sadeer. Sadeek Doyle. Yeah, she's a Muslim.

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I love that. The crop survivor is a spray-on toner for your balls. It's made with soothing aloe and witch hazel extracts. It'll make your balls look up at you and say thanks. That's funny. Don't get cold feet this winter. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code. I'm not fucking balls.

I'm imagining two of the big, big-eyed emojis. The coffee, it just says use promo code code. So it's got to be promo code come town or come town 20. Yeah, try them both. They swap them. Let me just go see if they eat them. Yeah, why don't you do that while I think about my balls, looking up at me and going, thank you.

Just imagine the emoji that girls use with their eyes big, or I guess a gay man would use, a bottom would use. The eyes of the big eyes, like watery. Imagine if your balls look like that. My balls sound like 1800s British. Come town, come town. Yeah, come town, come town. Thank you, sir.

The code is come town. The code is come town, folks. That's the code. So go to manscape.pussy slash cunt. Manscape.pussy slash cunt. He's promo code come town. Promo code come penis. Promo code suck me off.

Promo code give me head. Promo code penis my ass. Give me head, chief. Give me head. You gotta ask yourself one question. Are you gay? Well, are you a punk? That's not even his movie, is it?

Oh, no. A movie called Gay Wish. Yes. He's heating up. Where's the cash, mother? Give us the cash. My husband's gonna be home any minute and he's gay. I went out to Arizona for a while and learned how to suck cock.

Damn, I'm gonna fucking watch Death Wish again soon. Watch all five of them. I might. I might with the hard-ass prickadel, dude. I'm getting tired of doing anything. All I want to do is watch four movies a day. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, finding a nice pattern and get a little workout in.

Exactly. My days, I just want to wake up, do some fucking yoga, maybe do a little workout, go on a nice long walk, come back. Have a whole rest of my day. I wake up. I hit the corner store. I get some cat food for the cat. Coffee for myself.

Come home, feed the cat cold shower. Then I go buy a cigarette at the other, the fucking deli. It's like, it's cool. Six blocks away. Get a couple steps in. Yeah. Then I have my morning cigarette with my coffee. Love that.

And then I go back to sleep. That's a good amount of done. And then, you know, you just wake up, drink a couple of bunch of night quill, keep past, just keep yourself asleep. Yeah. Then it's 7 a.m. next day. Wake up, a little cup of coffee, feed the cat. Cigarette.

Right. You know. Force your body down. Yeah. No matter what it's telling you. Yeah, dude. Get myself put down like a dog. Oh, like a dirty little dickless dog.

Like a dickless dog. That's the sound it makes. The dirty little dickless dog, all it's got is a dick hole. Do you have any Mark Echo shoes? I'm sorry, chap. I was, pardon my interruption. I was wondering if you had any Mark Echo shoes with the springy shoelaces.

Oh, fuck, man. Do you happen to have an adjustable baseball cap that was promotional material for the movie cause three that I could run at the home Depot. Those guys rocked. Excuse me, sir. I love this and throw in a bottle of hair gel. If you don't mind.

Yes, the cheapest, most toxic one there is the fifth grade picture day. If you please hurry up, I have to go eat crab legs with my family at a Chinese buffet after this. It's my birthday. Adam, are you going to say something? I forgot. You look like you're about.

Oh, yeah. There's a TV show now about like it's a competition show that's for the best laborer. It's all like. Yeah, guys, guys, Guatemalan games. No, but it's all like to see who does the best. We're here in a in a Lowe's parking lot. We're outside the Home Depot and Santa Cruz.

And today we're talking to Miguel and Juan Carlos and they're squaring up to see who could tape the most drywall in 12 hours for four dollars. That's basically what it is. Yeah. Guy fear he's like still eating the joint compound. And he's like, that's rockstar bite right there. Out of bounds, brother.

That is hit that one directly out of the park. God, I love when the guy calls things out of bounds. That's the bomb. That's a triple play bite right there. You got the spice. You got the sweetness. You got the salty. That's the hat trick.

I want to be friends with Guy Fiery so bad. Yeah, you can probably swing. He seems happy. He does. He seems like no one can get him down. He's got a great life. And he doesn't have demons. Well, if you watch diners, drivins and dives, there's

times when clearly he's like working with somebody that's not laughing at his jokes. Yeah. And the cuts will be kind of like awkward and quick. Because they're just not buying it. Yeah, they're not in the guy. Yeah. They just have to like push through.

Yeah. Yeah, they're like. Apparently he just he's there for like a total of seven minutes. Is he? Like they he has a team that goes does everything ahead of time. They photograph all the food. They like do all the interviews. They do everything.

And then Guy just like eats the like they like interviews the person real fast. He makes it with that. You know who really had it made was the man versus food guy. Adam Richmond. Yeah, which was just a show. It's like watch this man kill himself. Yeah.

Yeah, he had a good thing going. But I think he had an health problem. I think maybe the first yeah, the first episode, it was an actual challenge that a restaurant offered. And then after that, he would go places and be like, I'm going to drink 37 milkshakes in 20 minutes. And they're like, yeah, that's not a thing we offer. He's like, I made it up for the show.

He I think I said this before, but he blocked Eldis on Twitter. Why? In college. Because Eldis kept asking what his shits look like. What are your what is your penis look like? Can I see your ass in balls? Can I suck your penis? Can I suck your penis?

Hey, Adam, can I see your ass in balls? Hey, Adam. Adam, hey, it's me, Eldis. Oh, the man versus food guy is going to be at the mall and he's letting people suck his cock and I'm missing it. Do you have your picture on the wall of a place? What do you mean? Have you ever like done the challenge at a place?

And there's pictures on the wall of the Bronx Zoo because he ate all the burry dogs. Yeah, they were delicious. Yeah, they kept I thought they were churros. Was that a challenge? No, at the at the Cheeburger Cheeburger. Where the fuck is the original one? I think it's somewhere in like White Marsh, Maryland, or I don't remember.

There's a Cheeburger Cheeburger chain. What is Cheeburger Cheeburger again? It sounds like a cheeseburger restaurant. It's a chain of restaurants that they stole it from like an SNL a bit from like the 70s, remember that one Cheeburger Cheeburger Cheeburger? Really? Yeah. Wow.

How does it feel to get stolen from SNL? I know that must really suck and that's why SNL never steals anything from it. That must really hurt SNL's feelings. But it was a burger restaurant and they offered some kind of like five pound burger if you eat it you get on the wall. You know your boy got on that wall and college no problem. But I haven't. They put your name or a pick.

Five pounds. It's some kind. I don't remember what it was. That's so much. It was some big burger but I was fucking fat. Five pound sounds right. I don't remember what it was. A one pound hamburger is like a lot.

No it's not. That's nothing. A pound is come on. A double quarter pounder is a half a pound. Here's the thing. It's the weight before they cook it. Oh so shrinks. Shrinks dude.

Yeah yeah. So a pound. That's at least four and a half pounds. A pound cooked is nothing dude. The quarter pounders are as little as fuck. I miss food burgers. We should get in the car and drive the food burgers after this. Fudge fuckers.

Ass fuckers. Ass fuckers. Just beating on the door. Let us in. Let us indoor dining. I hope you like my joke. It's coming back indoor dining. Well you would have to drive out to Jersey.

For Valentine's Day. Yeah for love. You would have to drive out to Jersey to go to food burgers. Dude I think they got dining out there. Thank God fucking Cuomo dude has solved things. Yeah. Thank God now we get to open up the fucking restaurants just because the numbers are going up and so is my penis.

When my penis is hard you have to give me the card to suck me. That's the rhyme we do. When my penis is hard you give me the card. Folks I just tell you what happens when my dick is hard. Indoor dining is allowed. When it's soft we're closing it down again. Yeah. So you better keep me hard.

I mean we're going to keep doing the press conferences every day. Even though the virus is over. Today we had an early start. We've been trying to we got a switch and the team has been trying to create a me for me. It's very difficult because there's no way to put nipple piercings on the little guy and they keep making him look pissed. And I thought I said I'm not pissed but I'm going to be if my little guy keeps looking angry.

I'm not pissed now but if we don't pierce his nipples I will be. You should make him look cute with pierce nipples and he's smiling. And anyone who beats me and we bowling is fired. And we're going to hold them down and give them a hundred doses of the vaccine at once. So it kills them and they're not allowed to sue anybody. Dude I heard that if you're obese you might be able to get the vaccine. Are you going to go to the top of the list. I don't have but maybe I'm not I'm not getting the vaccine.

I'm getting it as soon as I can. Our vice president said you shouldn't get the vaccine if it came out during the Trump administration. Kamala. Yeah is that what Kamala said during the debate. She said it. She said I will not get any vaccine put out by this administration. I don't give a fuck what Kamala's done. Well now she's the boss.

Yeah so I want it I want her to get my boss. What are you going to do not listen to black women. Yes I did it every day of high school. When they called me a gay white boy. This is the one instance where I'm I am there. Every other instance. Sure I see your point. But this time this time around this time baby I will listen to Kamala.

Yeah I'm getting the fucking vaccine. What's she doing. She said or done anything. Oh yeah. Vice presidents don't do shit. I'm checked out. She's doing all the work except for Dick Cheney. She's doing all the work I'm sure and getting none of the credit.

Dude thank you. Classic story. Classic story. Old Mayo ass Joe. Mayo ass Joe's taking credit for all her good ideas. He's getting paid more than her. Excuse me. Number one.

That's crazy. And number two. It's about time. There was is Mars. One of the least popular politicians in the world got a bunch of power. This time baby I will suck out. Is there a way we can make money off of Joe Biden dying and her becoming the president. You could probably bet on it.

Placing a bet maybe. Well let's save that for next week's free episode. Yeah okay fine. John Biden. I'm looking for John Biden. I'm looking. Excuse me. I'm trying to fuck John.

Is there a bet. You voted. Ah gracias senor. It's good to see you again my home Depot brothers. Yeah he learned English from the masterpiece theater. I saw his speed later. But it's because he only watches the period pieces. Wow what the devil.

What's going on here. Who took my family guy t-shirt. Who sucked my penis. Which one of you four eleven chaps sucked my penis. Yeah I'm gonna have to go out there and hit those guys up. What are you looking to get done. Well no just see if I can make any of them watch Masterpiece Theater. Just put your plan into action.

I want to create that guy. If you could make one it would be pretty good. And if you want a t-shirt you can go to come dot town. That's true. Pick up a come town. Well any kind. I just shirts. Get the come town shirts.

Get my I'm selling the official come down calendar. Which is actually just my calendar. Special for black history. For black history. 50 percent. It's not it's ten dollars off. Which is close to 50 percent. It's about 40 percent of I don't know how to do math.

That was a 25 30 3 5th soft for black history. Yeah. And I'm I'm I'm saying I'm trying to cook up some new shirts but I also have shirts over at stoppy.biz. Trying to cook up some fun new designs for the new year. And I think that's go to the patreon. Sign up patreon.com slash come town. All right later folks.