The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 256 – dial up

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

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Reporting live from Kuala Lumpur, where Adam is having sex with children, once again, his favorite. Can you tell us why you, first of all, where is Kuala Lumpur and other children sexier to you? When I said Kuala Lumpur, you had to fight the urge to, what is that? I'm on the bridge between the Patronus Towers. What are they called? Adam's like Kuala Lumpur, what is that? Negative 69.80123522. Wait, what was the towers? They have those towers with the bridge between them, so you know the Patronus Towers. But you said, what is it called? What is it called? Yeah, respect you.

You know what, man, it's awesome. Nothing bridges for Rindine, for Rindine, for Rindine. That's your line from? Yeah, alright, Prince Philip is in hell. He's had his funeral. You know, and the Queen is ready to get some fucking cock. She's so fucking horny and ready. She's been waiting for that old cocksucker. How many times do you think the Queen has fucked in her whole life? The Queen? She's fucked everyone in England.

It's like spiders, ants, bees. She's just getting dumped by everyone. That would be cool. And that's why everyone loves the Prince Charles, who's the most popular guy in England. No one knows whose dad is England's son. He's England's son. And that's why everyone was fine when he got pussy from Camilla Parker Bowles, who's one of the hottest sons. I remember her FHM when I was in middle school. I jacked off to it so much.

I liked her stuff better. Camilla Parker Bowles. Yeah, that's right. I would love to fulfill her pussy with my bows. I'm feeling the names today. What about Mia Khalifa Parker Bowles? Mia, gonna need her to see that pussy. Wait, who's Mia?

Mia Khalifa. The girl that had sex wearing the hijabs. I would love to fuck Mia Khalifa. Yeah, she had that blow up a couple of years ago where she did an interview with somebody. Now, in pornography, she's like, how dare you mention that I did pornography? Did she have one of those? Yeah, didn't she? Yeah, she said something where she was like, I didn't make any money.

She was dating a guy who was like, ran bang bros or some shit. And he basically just like pimped her out on video, essentially. Which, if you're listening, Wiz or Mia, I, Wiz too, if you want to get fucked, I'd fuck Wiz Khalifa for the story. But Mia, if I had to choose which Khalifa to fuck, it's Mia for sure. Someone on who is an avid sports fan, who was also at one point in time the number one ranked adult film star on Pornhub.

Like those two circles probably, like I remember I went to an NBA game and Mary Cary was just bring Mary Cary. She ran for governor of California that year that was like all freaks running. It was like Gary Coleman. Oh yeah. And then I think it was your Arnold one. Do I have that right so far? She's a porn star.

Ruptured an implant. First of all, I was in the adult industry for three months. So you need to fucking fact check before you ask me to call her. Yeah, so she's like, you need to fact check and it's like, well, what fact is wrong? Yeah. It's a relative amount of time. People know about her from porn. Yeah.

Yeah. That was her big, that was her first. Well, I know about her from Islam. That was my introduction to Islam. That was Mia Khalifa. I converted. You're going to have to go somewhere else because it's not cat time right now. Yeah.

Sorry dude. Yeah, look out buddy. You're just, you're going to be annoying until we're trying to, we're trying to, we're trying to get in the zone with this marriage. Well, I'm not, I'm pro Mia. I want that to be cool. Pro Mia. That's not necessarily true.

We don't know. We weren't supposed to mention that she was ever in porn. Well, we weren't supposed to mention that she was ever an adult film star. Yeah. Well, that's, that's the end of the video. I guess she just hung up immediately. I remember being bigger thing. Oh.

You're just like, first of all, I'm the first Indian woman to ever. She's a big. Go to space. She's a big DC sports fan. I would love to interview her and just be like, now you're George Clooney's wife. Tell us about that. Let's it like, be in the lawyer of the UN. Yeah.

Now when you and George Clooney got married and he said, I'm going to make you my bottom bitch. And did you, did you, did you, was your first thought is I'm going to tear up my law degree and because now I can, now I can, now I can just, and now I can just get this pussy pump like a dog and lay out litters for a Georgia boy as George Clooney's bitch. Let all, let all 11 oceans. Oh yeah. I'm all clean.

I need 11 oceans of calm in my pussy. He's like, you need to fact check because I only did porn for two months. I'm like, I don't even know that. Let's look, let's pull it up now. Let's pull it up. I'm going to jack off. We're going to pull it up. We're pulling up your clips and pulling down my pants.

Oh man. Poor Mia, dude, you know, you have those big ass titties. You do some porn, try to make a quick buck and for the rest of your life, everyone brings up to you sucking cock on cam. Yeah. When you, you cashed in. It's like the game of life. The board game.

Yeah. It's like go to college or do pornography and show everyone your pussy. Those are the two options at the start of the game. That's right. And then you either get this shitty station wagon, a bunch of dumb ass kids and you get like a, you know, like a Mercedes Benz. Yeah. Filled with condoms.

An HPV. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know what, I wish that she had made more money. I wish nothing had changed in her life because some of her videos have really are very important to me. Yeah. But I wish that she was fairly compensated and not ripped off.

I remember a lot for her hijabi visibility. She did. I jacked off to one video where her and another woman had a job or sucking a guy's cock at the same time. I was never into that shit because I first of all, I've never really been into pornography in general. Yeah. I remember when people were saying like, because there was a thing that was the thing is that

she was like the porn star or whatever. I'm like, well, who is this person extremely hot or something? I have to say, I gotta say, she doesn't, she's got, she's got, they're not big floppy slappies. They're big titties. You don't even know what you're talking. Adam, Adam have fakes loving tits. You have to cut him up.

Don't. Why? He pretends he loves it. I'm just going, I'm, I'm explaining, I'm supporting you right now. I'm explaining to Nick why you don't know the correct parlance for different types of titties. That's straight. You're an imposter.

But I've, I've returned to the Lord, I've returned to this is your first foray with the Lord. Don't pretend like you, that's not true. My, my first, but I lost my virginity is a big only because that's the only type of bitch that would fuck you at that was 100% correct. You weren't trying to fuck her. She just was. Oh, she was getting death threats from Isis.

That's why she had to stop doing porn. I remember. Oh yes. Exactly. Politics ruined something beautiful yet again. Yeah. That's why I'm, that's why I'm a moderate. The left and the right are both crazy.

Yeah. I'm going to say that seriously. You got Isis on one hand and then you got fucking Republicans on the other hand. That's right. And they're, and they don't even get me started on Nancy Pelosi over there near Isis. Yeah. And then you got the two crazy, the two crazy sides and the middle just wants to jack off to Mia Khalifa.

Yep. Me and Joe in the Corvette. Just me and Joe riding around the Corvette. Fancy. Fancy. And she's like, I've come all the way from California to show everyone my beautiful penis. Fancy penis. Yeah.

It's covered in jewels. Fancy. Pinoce. Yeah. I like that a lot. I would like her. I could, I could, I could, I'll just do Eugene Carroll. That's why I have a similar kind of thing.

There's a lot of people think about my penis and I think it's fashion. I would like her a lot more. Okay. We're going to take a break. We'll be back. Yeah. We're going to be back after this break. It's Anderson Cooper's.

Yeah. Of course. I'm going to go drink, I have to drink a glass of Cone. I have to drink a man's penis. I have to drink a liquefied man's penis. A lot of people think about my fancy penis and I think it's shakshi. Yeah. Fancy.

Pinoce. Fancy. Pinoce. She's good. Yeah. Who else is in Congress? Let's see here. Suck Hugemer, Chuck Schumer, penis names.

Kristen Siemen, Joe Munchin on cock, Joe could definitely munch on some cock. Yeah. As far as I'm concerned. Yeah. I'll come over to fucking West Virginia and I'll pour some moonshine in your ass, Joe. If you don't fucking smarten up, okay? And that's a fucking legal threat that you're on notice. I got some secret for the service to look at.

It's my balls and they're not actually that big of a secret. Yeah. I'll show any cute woman who wants to see them, my balls. So I hope you got a cute girl on staff. That's crazy. That's like Andrew Cuomo is being like canceled for just that. That's it. Yeah.

Just showing his balls to people. That's it. Yeah. Just for. Just the balls, not even the shaft. Yeah. And you know what's fucked up? It's like, okay, look, I know maybe, you know, in normal circumstances, a ball shouldn't

show people's balls. Yeah. But this is a man who flawlessly dealt with the code. There was like a daily caller article that was like Joe Biden once said that Andrew Cuomo has very nice balls. I guess they're at a party and he was like, there was some fundraiser. Joe Biden rocks in Rochester. This guy's got this guy's got great balls.

I saw his balls made up for all smallest cock was famously he's got a small cock and he pulled his big balls out and I said, I want to sell this cock. Now those are some nice balls. I said, that's a nice, nice pair of balls I've ever seen. Bo had nice balls. It's on your dad. My dad said, that's why they killed him in Iraq. His balls are too nice.

His balls were too big to be blown up by an IED. Right. Wow. And that was, that was the kind of thing where they had to declare a personal fatwa. The Pooja Nadine said that his balls were too nice. That's so messed up, Joe. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I don't think I'm gay, as long as we're here, I'll just let you know I'm gay.

Fucking Joe. I remember Brock was telling me one time that he was right shot that he was only his right shot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that. That's a good story, Joe.

That's it. One of Joe's classic stories. It sounds like something to say. Brock is, he's actually gay and he's also right shot. I sat down with Barack and I said that I'm gay. And I said, if you, if you show me your penis, we can, we, I will suck it. You can't, you can't, I'll put it in my mouth. Honestly, that's another guy who's got, who's on an incredible win streak.

Biden was just some dumb ass senator and then Obama needed someone to prove he racist people would vote for him. Yeah. And then Hillary blew it so bad that they were like, all right, who's around? And he just got the luck is waiting to be president doesn't even know what the fuck is going on. But he's still, he's still finding ways to sun Kamala. Yep.

He's sending her to the border to deal with the crisis. I hope that they eventually let Trump back on social media and his every tweet is like 8am, beautiful day waking up, having a glass of orange juice, just remembering that I was president and that pig Hillary Clinton never was. She gets it. She can say whatever she wants. That pig never made it. If he's completely apolitical, he just, the rest of his life is fucking.

He's just living a life of luxury. The rest of his life is talking about when I crush that pig in the air. His approval rating would get through, would go through the roof. It was just like tweeting about reality TV and saying Hillary Clinton's a loser pig that he beat. Yeah. Hell, I'd vote for him. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Who knows? I mean, he's definitely going to try and run again. I hope so. I hope he lives. Bobby, let me see your penis.

But dad, I don't want to show it to you. A father knows best. It's small, dad. Yeah. They're bringing King of the Hill back and that's, I guess that's the first episode. Really? Yeah. My penis is small.

Peggy's getting a penis installed and Bobby's something about Q and on. I hope they don't do that kind of shit. They should pick up where they left off and not acknowledge anything that happened after like 2006. From what I read, it is going to be like 15 years later. I think Bobby's going to be an adult. That's good. Is he going to be a gay man?

You got to assume he's going to be a gay man. That'd be wild if he wasn't. Say what you want about the Simpsons, at least they, they didn't change anything. Yeah. You know, Bart's still 10. Yeah. Homer's supposed to be 36 years old. Really?

Yeah. That's awesome. It's crazy that Adam is older than Homer Simpson. I'm not older than him actually. I'm not older than him. You're three years older than him. No, I'm not. You just turned 39.

Yeah. We just went to, we just went to the Chuck E. Cheese's, where you had your 39th year old. Oh, Adam, it's so weird. You're older than my husband, but you have a much smaller ball. You have Bart's penis. Actually, you have Maggie's penis. You have Maggie's clit as a penis.

That's mean to say about your baby dog. It's a nice size clit. She's got a perfect pussy, but it's a bad size cock for a 39 year old man. For a man older than my husband, Homer. Yeah. It's not true. You've got a cute pussy and you've got a baby's pussy for a day. That's really mean.

Adam Friedland. Adam Friedland guest star on this week's episode of The Simpsons on Fox. You found a new way starting at eight, seven central The Simpsons with special guest star Adam Friedland. Oh, Adam, your penis is a baby's like a baby's pussy. Did somebody say Adam's showing his penis? No. Who's that?

Mr. Burns. You're the oldest man in town, so naturally you've seen the most penises. That's right, Smithers. What's the smallest one you've ever seen? That one right there. I'm looking at it. It's Adam's baby pussy penis. Whoa, nice little fucking girl's pussy.

Is that auto? Yeah. Dude, they should call you the dick little to get it. I drive a school bus and sometimes you accidentally see a child with penis and they're all bigger than that one. I drive a school bus for a living and this is the first time I wanted to kill myself. But this is a small penis. Hey, you can't bring your tiny dick from him.

He can't be coming in here with a dick. Oh, man, his dick is too small. Hey, Homer, where's your friend's dick so small? Well, he don't bring it. Hey, everybody, look how little his penis is. Marge everyone at Mo's was making fun of Adam's small dick. Marge started it. Yeah.

He was the first one to notice it. Shut up, bitch. Shut up. The fuck up. When is Homer going to stop abusing his son and start abusing his wife? Shut up. That would be such an awesome episode. I would watch the fuck out of that.

It would feel good to get a TV credit. Well, wouldn't know. It would be just like the Simpsons back at their prime. That show is really the fucking best. The uncut, beautiful season, season five, six, the meat of it. Nothing stepped on. Mm-hmm. That.

That. That. Duff man says your dick is small. Wow. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hi, you might remember me from looking at very small cocks. This one is definitely the smallest one I've ever seen. I'm Troy McClure. By the way.

I'm Troy McClure and Adam's dick is small. Your dick is too small. Hey, is that Maggie's pussy? And now, Adam's dick is small dancers. Wow, how about a round of applause for the Adam's dick is small dancers. Did that give it up? Yeah. That was a good job dancing.

That was great. I found all these women at the battered women's shelter. What were you doing down there? Shut up, bitch. Bitch. I'm not even though they made my kid to train in three seasons ago. You can't call me a bitch. Is there a true?

There must be some kind of wild shit going on. Smithers is out and gay now, right? Is he sucking cock on the show, I think. Yeah. On cam, they're showing yellow cock. But I think that's the only change. Every episode now is Homer going to the quickie mart and he's like, you know, genuflecting towards a poo who holds like a million advanced degrees.

And a poo is like, yo, what's up, Mr. Simpson? Are you ready to become educated by the power of Indian ass? No, that's a poo son. That's a poo son. Yeah, that's when I use the claw. And then he's like, oh, please, a poo tell. I'm too much of a colonizer retard to fucking understand anything. And he's like, we're going to talk about Michael Brown for a minute.

And then all the characters, every character is trans now. That's awesome. Chief Wiggum. Didn't Patty. Yeah, I'm a girl. Wow. I've got a pussy. Wow.

Wow. Is he Wario? Yeah. Well, he makes that noise. Does he? Yeah, it does. Doesn't Patty have some like, doesn't Patty get married to a trans? Sacho Bob.

No, no, no, no, no. Later on, I think she's married to a golfer that's a chick. That's got to be like season four. It's so late. I was just watching TV one day and it came on and it was like, I think I know it. Once it hit, not only is she a lesbian, but maybe it's her. When it hit season like 15, it was like, I just checked out. I want to say she had like an F to M husband or some shit like that.

And I'm not even joking. It'd be funny if seasons like 15 on at the Simpsons are just complaining about how other shows fell off. That's why the show got bad. Yeah. Yeah. It's just Homer being like Archie Bunker's place was boring. I would like to watch just a random episode from the last season.

I saw a still from one of them and Otto is like the cat bus from Totoro. And I was like, I have no idea what the fuck is happening. Yeah. What? Yeah. Was that a still or was it just some fucking nerd's art? I think it was a picture of your vagina. So it was fantasy or it was real?

Because if it was a picture of your dick and it was really small, then it would be real and scientific. I thought it's a picture of a bus. Well, that's what I'm saying. Your vagina is cat bus. Every drawing of Adam is homo-realistic. Come on. Homo-realistic.

There's a lot of homo-realistic on there. I didn't know that. I'm really into homo-realist art. Homo-realism? Yeah. It's your favorite kind of art? Yeah. Yeah.

And that's just art that instead of painting, you use cum. And how about instead of cum, you use ridgewall? Wow. We're big fans of this product, folks. God damn it. Maybe in 20 minutes you use ridgewall. Right? And before that, you use blue chew.

Oh, yes. Chewable pills. No. Just chewables. Chewables. Chewables. Chewables. They are not the P-word.

They're not pills. Don't say the P-word. P-word. In fact, they work. You can say penis. You know what? You can say the P-word. You can say pills because you know what, folks?

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They want me to let you know that you can use this link anywhere. go.bluechew.com slash come town. It's a very simple, it's a HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash go.amazonaws.s3 slash content to underscore three underscore lower case ZX6 lightsaleinstance.s32 slash n. Podcast. I, no, no, no, no. I'm just reading. You're not reading anything.

The computer randomly. I'm looking at your phone right now. It doesn't say what you're saying at all. I'm looking at it at a different point. I can, it's go.com or go.bluechew slash come town. bluechew.com slash come blue penis go.bluechew.com slash come. Let's get that URL. The URL is go.comchew.comchew.comchew.com.

So it's just, it's a weird name, Eldis. It's good. I called you Eldis. You called me Eldis. Thank you. That is another, that is another compliment that you accidentally made. The other compliment will be on Sunday, so maybe I just miss hanging out with my boy. Haven't called him gay in person in a while.

If you love sex, you'll love go.bluechew.com slash come town. All right. So God was the other compliment I paid you on the pre all right. Here's the. Oh, right, right, right. Adam. Yeah. By the way, Adam, you haven't come to town to check out and just pay $5 shipping.

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Closer to my cock. Closer to my cock. And my asshole will be moved. Closer to my ass. I will fuck a bunch of guys. And suck them on their cocks. And suck them on their cocks. Yes, this is a banger, honestly.

Yeah, Rush rules. Oh, yeah. I've caught a lot of shit for liking Rush in my life. Really? And I'm waiting. One day, I'll be vindicated. Everybody who's ever made fun of me for liking Rush will someday pretend that they've always liked Rush.

Yeah. I used to play 20, 20. What was it called? 20, 21? No, 20, 21, 1, 2? It's 1989. You're thinking of the Taylor Swift album. Yeah.

You would listen to while kissing magazine cutouts of Leonardo DiCaprio. That's not true. Yeah, you'd be kissing Tiger Beast. First of all, that album came out like three years ago. Yeah, but you've got the old magazines. You've got the old magazines from when he looked like a girl, like a little girl.

Yeah. It's so funny to play that song to not do my job, which is already not a real job. Well, I'm going to take a little break. They call me the working man. That was Rush. We're just going to play a whole Rush album while we watch another episode of Seven Days.

Being a terrestrial DJ, what a sweet job. Be like, yeah, it appears Monica Lewinsky is saying she had sex with the president. I guess that's why you call her a slut. Here's Rush. There's a lot of traffic on Northbound 95. I guess Monica Lewinsky is her pussy. Stay tuned.

Later, we're going to have a local guy who does something in the studio and he's going to tell us about it. They really only needed like for a full five hours. They probably needed to talk for like seven and a half minutes. It's awesome. Joe Robinson for a hot second had his own like afternoon drive show on 98 Rock. Yeah.

And he would just be like, what the fuck is this garbage? Yeah. Yeah. Music. They make him play music. Of course it's programmed. It's like, and then it's all like 98 Rock's listeners. So I had to be like three doors down.

Yeah. Not even that shit. It was always like. Cedar. Yeah. Like that. Like fuel. Full.

I don't love mud. It's strong. You know. Fuck your ass. Yeah. I'm gay. Oh, I'm gay. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll when I'm when I'm in Baltimore, I'll throw up 90 Rock just to just to catch the. Rock fan. I was a rock fan. The rock. They don't rock as hard anymore. I'm sorry to say.

They used to. What happened to rock? Dude. Don't even get me. God damn shame. Yeah. It's strong. I'll suck you off.

We should make a movie about the guys that bring rock and roll back. Yeah. That's true. They'll be cool. I'm sick of this. All this rap crap. Like Detroit Rock City. Yeah.

I used to fucking love that song. I've seen that movie too. It's good. I don't know if it's actually good or if I liked it when I was 14. The movie. The movie's fine. Kiss. I want to suck a dick.

Kisses. No, dude. That guitar solo. Play it. Kiss is gay. Fuck you. They are. Kiss has some bangers.

No, dude. You only like kiss because you're a Zionist and Gene Simmons was born in Israel. Yeah. That does happen. It does happen to align with some of my most personally held political beliefs. How about clean Siemens? Clean Siemens. And he eats it all up.

With his big tongue. With his giant tongue. Yeah. He licks up all the cum for the rest of the band. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. He licks for keep eating Siemens stupid.

Yeah. Keep by eating Siemens stupid. Yeah. Keep ingesting Siemens stupid. Yeah. Yeah. That's your contribution is the word, yeah? Yeah.

That's what it is. You can use the wire. Yeah. Use the real wire. Yeah, dude. I like to do one guitarist part. No, what the fuck is this bullshit? Use some cover.

He's blowing it. That was actually me playing. What was this? This is Stav's dream board soundtrack. No, this is not. I don't. You love Taylor Swift, bro. I have felt he games Taylor Swift.

Stop cutting out pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal. And using a glue stick to put him on his wall. His bald, long hair and tiny tails. Big pigtails. Big tails. Yeah. Which is fucking Harry Styles. Kissing Harry Styles.

No, he's not that cute. I play this every time I drive here. Every time the plane lands. Yeah. I have a beach pill. I'm gonna play it. I remember listening to this on the subway before my sexual assault. Yeah.

Really? The city can really turn you out. It was a homeless guy. There was only Adam and a homeless guy on the train car. And Adam was across from him in the aisle. And the homeless guy was just looking pissed and slowly beating off the Adam. And Adam was like, could you? And he's like, shut up.

And then I'm just sat there where the guy kept beating off. Classic New York. Is that what you mean for that, Adam? Welcome to New York. Welcome to my pork. You know what I would say about this city is that. I have a song that plays girls every time they start playing. Yeah, welcome to my pork.

Yeah. And it's food. It's not your penis. It's my dick. My dick is the pork. Welcome to my penis. Welcome to my penis. Welcome to my penis.

I remember the other day you sang the tequila song about my penis. Yeah. That's good stuff. Yeah. It's good to have a 14 minute intro to the one line of my penis. When were you listening more? I'm trying to find the solo. The true solo.

Oh, yeah. You know, it's not as good as thin Lizzie as far as dueling guitars go. But when I was 15, dude, I'm cranking this shit. It's not, I'll admit it was not, did not rock as hard as I remembered it, but it's pretty good still. No, that kiss sucks. Dude, they have some bangers. You got to be able to find beauty in everything.

No. We're in most things. I do. I do everything. That's actually one of my greatest skills. Finding beauty in everything. I see an ugly woman and I see a beautiful soul. That's awesome.

Yeah. That's really good of you. Well, you know, it's also good of you. It's a Ridge Wall. Yeah. Which Ridge just sent us the Ridge Wallet, somebody's going to go to ridgewallet.com. Yeah, they sent us a nice little fucking thing. Oh, you know what we have to do?

They sent, we've been talking about backpacks. Me and Adam talked about backpacks. So there's a wallet company. Dude, Geddy Lee looks so much like Steven. He does. That's crazy. That does look a lot like Steven. Let me ask you something.

Should I move to Canada? It's really good. It's really, it's honestly, it's really good to be in Canada. No one knows who Steven. We're talking about our friend Steven. But I just never noticed how much he looks like Geddy Lee. Really good to see you, man. This is a great night, man.

This is a great night. Huge night. Huge night. We're having a big one tonight. It's Wednesday. Yeah. So Ridge Wallet, they were a wallet company. And they got a whole rack of shit.

They got a lot of stuff. They sent it to us. Me and Adam are talking about backpacks. Nick, they sent us two nice backpacks, one little one. Nick, of course, even though he has a backpack he likes, takes one of the big ones for himself. Yes. Now me and Adam are left fighting over the crumbs. And, you know, listeners of the show will, but, you know, you listen to old episodes.

I've constantly been on the Ridge Wallet website saying I want the commuter pack. Hold on. We all have backpacks. What the fuck are you talking about? Even though he already has a backpack. I want it. I don't have a backpack right now. Well, I have to set up between backpacks.

I have to set up me and Adam's battle for the backpack. I'm raising the stakes. In classic, you know, I'm on the box. I had to test the big backpack out. You guys get the two. Well, you have a chair. All right. We've got a chair.

Real quick. I'm on a camp chair. There's free shipping and returns on all wallets. They've got a lifetime warranty, free 45 day returns, and 40,000 five-star reviews. Now, I will decide who gets the big bag. No, you don't get to decide. We rock, paper, scissors for it. Like gentlemen.

And we'll do it right on air. So I challenge you to rock, paper, scissors at dawn. Let's do it. Rock, paper, scissors. And the loser shall be declared a homosexual. Shit, those stakes are so high. Don't do it, Johnny. I don't have a backpack right now.

He's won every game of rock, paper, scissors. And I've been holding out for the Ridge Wallet. You know what they do to homosexuals in this town? What do they do? They make them dance down to the saloon. You'll be tab-dancing on top of that piano until your ankles shatter. Oh, gosh. What a terrible thing.

It's that kind of town. It's P-town. Yep. That's where we are. Provincetown? We're in Provincetown. We're called Provincetown Cowboys. What we do is we play rock, paper, scissors, and the loser has to suck the other guy off.

And eventually everybody loses. Yeah. We should go, honestly, this summer, we should go to Provincetown. No. The gay capital of Massachusetts. I don't think we should. Adam, this sounds like a you. Yeah, why don't you go by yourself?

I was trying to make it fun. You go. Me and Staub will take our big Ridge Wallet backpacks. He hasn't won the backpack yet. Like an island just for straight guys. Just for straight guys. No chicks. No gay guys.

No gay shit allowed. It's just fucking a couple guys. Just a bunch of straight guys. Playing extremely high stakes rock, paper, scissors. Hanging out. Hanging out. We're in the Ridge Wallet backpacks. Ridge Wallet backpacks and nothing else.

They're celebrating National Parks Week at Ridge Wallet. And they're doing that by Yosemite in your hands. Your best selling top top top map wallet has the world renowned half a dome laser engraved. That's nice. I get full dome. Nice. I like that one except for the fact that it's not.

Travel bags. I prefer not coming personally. Gear up with our line of trusty travel bags. Where's the durable waterproof commuter? The upright piece of shit in my ass. The doctor said, Joe, you got to, you have an upright piece of shit in your ass. And I said, Doc, what does that mean? And he said, imagine the big, the long Tetris piece.

Imagine it sideways and you're trying to wedge it in a slot. Yep. And we got to turn that piece in your ass. And this is before the civil rights movement. They said the only way to do it is with a black-ass cock. Whoa. For real? And I was the only guy in Delaware that said, fuck me in my ass.

Well, go ahead and fuck me back. Fuck me in my ass and that saved my life. Shop and support. Let's take a look at the travel bags. I moved over from my former Adidas backpack to the Ridge commuter backpack. Looks nice. Looks nice. A lot of pockets.

Looks like very functional, minimalistic design. And you know what? I think it's time now that we did as part of our ad. We're doing best of three. Best of three, of course. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Fuck. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Fuck. Fuck. That's fine. I don't even want the backpack.

I won. I was joking. I stopped lost because he had a bunch of chocolate on his hands. Yes. Fuck. Restricting him from picking anything other than rock. He should have seen soft during coutan. During cocaine.

Coutan. We would have coked up with plain coutan. That's how you play to win. You play to win. Yes. Banging the table and the fucking roads were flying. One of my favorite things in life is being fucked up on cocaine and playing coutan. I have a fourth person.

I have a son too. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that. It's a child that I'm raising, but you don't mention it a lot on the show. I don't. And I should have gone fucking. I went rock every round. Fuck you.

Fuck you, Adam. Fuck you. I did that because I love rock, dude. You love cock. No, I didn't say that. Don't twist my words. Anyway, so what's the promo code for ridgewall.com? You know, I don't even think we have one.

It's either come down or come down 20 if there is even one. There is a promo code. We love this product. Nick swears by the. I've been using the wall. But because they just re upped us and all this shit. I got ready to send us a swag bag. Now I'm using the 18 karat gold one.

So now when my wallet, when I get robbed at gunpoint, there's also worth something and I'm completely naked covered in bruises. Yeah. And the police are like, wow, so you some kind of millionaire. And I'm like, yes. Yes, I am. And then they have a ticker tape parade for me through the town. That would be awesome.

I'm imagining it now. Yeah. And, and it also has RFID protection. And as you know, most of our listeners are baby boomers who are constantly getting scammed. And this is one way to keep your cards safe from gypsies. And that's true. That is true. And also as a RF and J2.

What? What do you mean? What? That's another technology. They have that technology as well. It's Adam. It's RF. So you want to go to Ridgewell dot pussy dot com.

And you actually want to get not the commuter, the smaller one, because that's the cooler one. That is the one as worn by Stavros from come down. Stavros out his bag. Fuck. Dude. Fucking pissed. It was a fair battle.

And I won. I don't catch a lot of dubs, you know, and I always do one. And I think as a friend of mine, I'm going to take a couple extra wallets. You should be happy. Take some wallets. I'm going to take a wallets. I'm going to take the knife. I'm going to take the knife.

Take the knife. I'm going to take. Nick, you're keeping the weekender duffel. Oh, yeah, well, that's where the stuff stays in there. The stuff stays. That's that's the whole the stuff that Ridgewell is sent. Okay. I was going to propose maybe be fair if we both got the two big backpack stuff.

That's not a bad idea. You know, just to be diplomatic. None of us get a duffel. What do you mean? You'll get a duffel. No, it's part. I'm not using it for anything other than the branded merchandise that comes. That's how we divvy everything up.

But that doesn't live forever in the duffel. You can put it anywhere else. It could be used as a duffel. We're not discussing this. We'll negotiate this after the show. I was trying to be solemn on it. Thank you. And split the baby.

I appreciate that. I'm because I'm all about fair. It's like he's trying to be a little more Abrahamic. That's true. Something got taken away from you. And now he wants to take something away from. Well, I think actually you're hoarding resources. You got the golden wallet.

He did get golden. He told me I couldn't touch his gold. You got the duffel and the big backpack. I think it's only fair I get the duffel. You can't touch the gold. And it's a chemical difference in the oils that your genes secrete. I don't think gold tarnishes. Silver does.

Tarnish should absorb some of the gold. It's 17 carat. That's interesting. It soaks up all the carats. I didn't know that. That's why they can't get this. Basically jewels are like the sun for them. Like photosynthesis.

We can get tan. Me, eventually I'll develop skin cancer. But I get nice bronze. These people, they just need gold. I love gold. Oh, that's good. So go check out Ridge Wallet, folks. And then the quietly impersonating gold.

Scorsese used to do a movie called The Jewishman. And then somebody called Uncut Gems The Jewishman. That's good. But anyways, it's a movie about a Jewish guy that's four hours long. And he's just on the phone with Apple customer support, trying to get his email to work on his website. I also want to say real quick, well we're in the plug zone,

that I'll be doing some hours in New York City to get ready for a summer tour. That's right. So, and actually my friend Adam will be accompanying me on May 11th at the tiny cupboard. And then also on May 19th, I'll be at Come On Everybody doing an hour there as well. Oh, our old hot stomping grounds.

We'll be bringing back that big announcement. Funny Moms, the following week. Funny Moms is back, folks. I also have a show on the 13th called Pantheon, that will be like a showcase show. And then Fat Tuesdays is at the end of every month. And I believe Nick will be doing the last one in May. So, a lot of opportunities.

Go to Stavi.biz, and I will be working on my hour in the city, and I hope to see you there, folks. I'm excited for Funny Moms coming. Also, if you want a more Come Town, less backpack debate, tearing the show apart, check out patreon.com. Slash Come Town,

where there's a extra episode every week on Sundays, the day of the Lord. That's right. And it's mostly a religious study, Bible. This one we're going to dive into. We talked about the Old Testament quite a bit. This week on Religion Chat, Indians, do they have a Bible?

Is it all just a bunch of made-up bullshit? Yeah, it squiggles. Whoa. I think they write it down. No, they have a very noodley language. They have a noodley type. Is there some language that doesn't get written down? I guess it would have been lost if that's true.

I think the Indian origin myth is the old Kraft mac and cheese commercials where the dinosaur is going through the cheese river. Dude, those were awesome commercials. Those were some of the best commercials. I remember as a kid being like, where is that? I need to bathe in that cheese river.

What does the dinosaur have to do with macaroni and cheese? It looks like the cheesiest river. Damn, I wish I was a child again. Dude, I hate fucking mortality. I don't know, I think being an old is pretty cool. I'm enjoying it. No, I miss the innocence and the mac and cheese. No, you were guilty even as a child.

I really wasn't. I wasn't until I saw the negativity of the world. A rapist child. We're all guilty. It's called original sin. No, until the demonic need to get pussy came into my brain, I was such a fat, jolly, happy child. You're a sweet person.

I was so sweet. And then when I wanted girls to like me, you're a rapist. I wasn't a rapist. What are you talking about? As a child? Now I'm saying, now you're a rapist. No, I'm not a rapist.

What the fuck are you talking about? I was trying to follow up. You know, levy accusations like that. You were saying until I wanted pussy, I was innocent. Now I'm a rapist. Now I felt bad about myself. I never had any issues with confidence until I was a little kid that wanted girls to like me.

You hit puberty at 23 years old. I hated it. And then you immediately, you know, that stuff hit at the right time. I hit it at 27 years old. And what was that, 83 years ago? That was 83 years ago. That was in the 90s.

What the fuck was? That's a smile. He's gotta be. Dude, Ralph. I can do Ralph. I bet my penis. I bet my penis is small. I don't want to do it to myself.

I love Ralph. Adam's dick is small. You find that neoge? That's when that show got really fucking bad. That might have been the last episode I watched on Sunday. You know what? That's true. I remember that one being weird.

Suck my fucking dick. Every once in a while I would check back in in the later years, but it was not good. I'm at home, maybe I'm back from college. Yeah, I'm sure it can be good sometimes, but it's like when fucking Mickey Rourke tries to make it to the birthday party in the wrestler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah, sometimes, you know, I play the role, but... This is not my beautiful house. This is not my big fat wife. And you may find yourself fucking some huge bitch. Damn, I want to watch the wrestler again. And you might ask yourself,

why is this bitch so big? And this bitch is fucking... This bitch is fucking... She didn't used to be, and now you're fucking so big that bitch and your wife got fat and if you leave her, it'll be an article about you.

It's kind of fucked up, girl. The only option is to cheat. And then... And then you get caught cheating and everyone's mad at you. Why did that bitch get fat? It's because of all the article saying she should. Yes.

This is kind of a raw deal for you. It's pretty fucked up for men, if you think about it. Women are my pussy. But only if they're hot. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my God. Adam, your penis is so small.

Who's that, the Jew? That's Harvey Firestone. His voice is more like... Mr. Simpson. Mr. Simpson, Adam's penis is small. Mr. Simpson, Adam's penis is way too small to be at the power plant. That was a great character.

Yeah, that's a Homer's... Was that the first season? No, it's early on though. It's like season four or five. Can I suck your cock? I wanna watch Simpsons. Why don't you watch my Dixon's? Uh...

It's on Disney Plus? It's on Disney Plus Plus. What a really good shit it is. That's where all the good stuff... Oh, it's season two. Season two, it's way earlier. You know what I did recently, which was on Disney Plus Heavyweights.

Which is an absolute masterpiece. Listen, you don't have to tell me about Heavyweights. This is the best movie of all time. You don't have to tell me, dude. That's how I envision myself. It's so good. It's like a fire. I loved it.

He's the villain, so... No, I mean... He's bad. You can like the bad guy. How he behaves is unacceptable towards those beautiful children. I think he's trying to help them out. He's not. And if that's how you actually think,

you're a fucking sick person. The scene where they're confiscating the hidden candy? I hated that. Did you cry? Was that your Schindler's list? Yes, I was so fucking sad. And I also imagined... I only went to camp one time, like a sleepaway camp.

I imagined how I would hide candy. And I never did. You didn't bring candy and hide it? I didn't bring candy and hide it. Wow. It's fucked up. It's really fucked up. So what else is in the news, folks?

We got a crisis at the border. The European Super League soccer? It seems like it might ruin everything. How about a dices at the border? And there's a bunch of immigrants that are like... Hickory dickory dock. I'm fucking... My child's been separated.

I say they said they're going to take the kids away. Everyone's crying. I said get the fucking kids out of here so I can get some pussy. I'm trying to get my dick sucked in the not jail. It's the dices at the border. That's good stuff.

Dice president Joe Biden. Dice president Vomila Harris. Dice president Andrew Yang. I'm trying to get my little dick sucked. Hickory dickory dock. Please suck on my tiny cock. That's good. Andrew.

How the fuck is he about to be mayor? What's Andrew Dice Yang? Most people know him. Just from losing it. What is that guy about? What is his job? His job? You can't vote for him

because he's Chinese. Is he like in a tech or something? Probably. He was a lawyer also I think. I invented the first jeans that have a magnifying glass on the zipper. He's an inventor.

He has a patent for Adam's jeans. I used the money to get pussy. And now I have an autistic son who I'm trying to fix with a different pair of jeans. And I'm not I haven't really figured out. I tried just a different

but moving the magnifying glass but that just made his asshole look bigger. I didn't really do anything about the autism. Wow. Wow Andrew. I guess you're really a one trick pony, huh? All you have is the magnifying glass idea. Yeah that guy's kind of a

one dick pony. Fuck. It's a total one dick pony. It stops real one inch pony. No I'm not. Yes. No. Yes. I'm a different kind. Partner what the hell kind of pony is that?

That pony's dick looks like Maggie Simpson's penis. I am. It was hurtful to hear all the characters. One of my favorite shows telling me my penis is small but I'm impressed for the show that you found

a new way to describe a penis as being a baby's pussy. Yeah. There's got to be other characters you miss. Oh there's a lot. There's the Mexican B. Haddley diddley diddley. Oh my god how do we not do Flanders? I don't know if I've ever said it on the show

or even in conversation you want to have sex with Flanders? But Black Flanders saying Haddley boobily boobily Noodley boobarino which is very funny to me. Yeah.

That joke is what we call it's kind of like a meal prep kit. Where you get to cook it yourself. Play in your head. Haddley beepily It's like a hello fresh. Beepily noodley beeparino. Oh fuck dude I hate eating salads.

I'm already hungry again dude. I had one just before we recorded. Yeah and a salad before we recorded the first one. I know it sucks. I hate salads dude. Dude you're gonna, I can't wait till you're you're like a skinny bitch. No I'll never do that.

So how much weight have you lost? Since September I've lost 45 pounds. Put that on the board everybody. Yeah. And what are you going for? 80? I don't fucking know dude. I just want to have big arms with little titties dude.

I'd like to get down to 69 at least cause it's a meme. 69 pounds. To weigh that much? No no no. I'd like to lose 69. You lost 45 and you started what? 390 million? Honestly I literally started at 315.

I had gotten fat as hell during the pain for me. So now you're down to a slim 270? Yeah. Okay so that's the norm. That's back to a regular stop weight. I think it's a little bit less than regularly. I'm at 265. You were 270 when we went to DC

for the first live show. Remember that? How do you remember that? I keep track of these things. I literally have no idea. You were 265 pounds when we went to the when we went on. 503.265.

I'm 57 and a half. Thank you very much. And now you're 270. So you've gained 5 pounds. No I'm 266 as of this morning. Actually thanks very much. So you've gained 1 pound.

I did not weigh 265. What are you talking about? You weigh 265. I have a picture. How do you know this? But I don't remember that. I remember it. How do you remember that? I keep track of these things. I tell you. And Adam if you were like

you know your HIV was kicking up and you were like it's called flaring up. Flaming up. When did we go to DC? When the fuck did we go to DC? When was it? The end of 2017. We went twice.

I don't fucking remember. The point is I don't think about the path brother. I'm in the future. I'm moving forward. Well you know the progress is real. Thanks. I don't mean I don't really give a fuck.

I was just talking about how I'm tired of my salads. There you go. This is stuff. And you're next to Dasha and she weighs what? Like fucking 7 pounds so you can see in comparison. You were 265 in that pick? I guess. I don't really agree with Nick.

Look at that. He's spelt. You do kind of look good in that. I don't appreciate the tone of that. Adam kind of you do kind of look good with a little surprise. I remembered you. I've looked good at every weight. You look trim. That's how much I weigh now.

Maybe it's less hair. If I had less hair I would look good. You look like Jason Statham. 265 bald? His hair weighs at least 10 pounds. Oh my god. I'm probably 225.

Yeah. Can I suck your dick? Can I see your fucking dick? Yeah. Can I eat your asshole? Yeah. Thank you to the guy who snitched to Creed

so that I couldn't sell those t-shirts. That guy has to be really cool. That guy That is a cool move. This is going to show him. Alright folks. What's the fuck's wrong with Shane here?

I have this picture of this show on my phone. I have no idea where that is or who that is on stage. Of us? I don't know where that is. Oh you know what? No. Is it DC? Is it like a good geotag? Well it is somewhere in DC. Oh you know what it must have been?

It must have been the DC draft house. And they're playing around with I think it's closed now. Unfortunately. The pandemic got them. Got the asses. Can I see your dick? Can I eat your

jizz? Bum bum bum bum bum bum Can I suck all the cum out of your penis? Bum bum bum bum bum My fucking dick I'm here all the time You can probably just sell the shirt

Can I see your penis? Just take the creed off it? Take the creed off it then. What if you just say Scott Stapp? This is still one of my favorite pictures. Yeah that's a great thing. Oh you going over the river? That was a good day man.

That was a beautiful photo. That was so funny dude. What's that girl's name? Jess? What's she up to? Let's give her a call on the phone. I'll call her up on the phone. I'll be calling up my friend Jesse on the phone. Jennifer!

It's Michael from the podcast. Yeah I'm not good with names. Not even my own name. Not even my own name. This is David Stevenson Homo. My name is Michael Sexual. I'm a Michael Sexual. My name is David having sex.

Yeah. My name is Benjamin Eating Bust. Tasty. Alright well yeah so folks if you want we're doing a live show at the Marlboro Theater. No we're not.

In Westfield, Massachusetts. No we're not. We're doing Westfield, Huntington, Shester, Pittsfield. Shesterfield. Lennox, Williamston, Newfane, Putney. Yeah.

Ludlow, Rutland. Is that where we're doing a tour? Yeah, Ticonderoga. Nice. Scroon Lake. We're doing a western mass tour. Wells, Speculator, Old Forge. Speculator and Massage.

Lowville, Oswego, Prince Edward. Trent Hills, Peterborough, Huntsville, North Bay. Nick will be at all those places. I will be like I said at the Kirkland Lake, Iroquo Falls.

Capuska Kits. Gustavi Dot Biz for all my dates. I have to piss. We're doing the Winnest River Provincial Park. Yeah we are doing that. That's real. The rest are made up. We'll see you at the park folks.

Sippa West Lake. Check us out.