The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 258 – tanagra when the cheeks clapped

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

five types of mayonaise

Feel the rain on my dick. Everyone can see your penis. Everyone is laughing at it. Everyone can see my penis. Pulling it out in the rain. Here's my dick. It's out of my motherfucking pants. Look at my little dick. I want you to get it something. Everyone ever says I faggot. I'm the only one that's strange. But my dick, but my dick is small. But my dick is too small. It's too small to fuck a woman. So I have to get fucked in my ass. Even though I'm not gay. I just want to be a part of it. I just want to have friends. I just want these guys to like me. I'm trying to act in movies. I'm trying to ingratiate myself to them. So they will let me play a guy who's straight. In an X-Men film. I want to be in the X-Men.

And I'll do gesh it for it. I want to be a night crawler. Paint me blue and fuck my ass. I've been raped 18 times. At one time I thought I was going to be in a Motorola commercial. But they went out of business. They were putting phones in my ass. It was actually just another rape. This time they filmed it. And I won't get to be an X-Men. Shout out to who's that Natasha Beddingfield. Hello cameo. My name is Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler here on cameo. Is that what he sounded like? I only know his speech voice. He spoke. He was very charismatic.

There was a lot of yelling in German. In German it sounded more like... We're going to clean up the country. Folks, they're a parasite and they control all the money and all the businesses. And if that's not enough for them, they got to sexualize our women. And destroy our nuclear families. Is that what they're doing? Except this time I'm talking about white men, folks. He's calling them all out. The CIA here for woke Jack Hittlerson. My name is Jack Hittlerson and I work at the CIA. No one else can see my dick. Just you. Could you have a magnifying glass?

Suck my ass and suck my penis. Make me put on a nice dress. What was the other one? A little red corvette. Baby, I'm much too gay. Little dick faggot. Baby, I'm much too gay. Little red corvette. I'll fucking love Prince, dude.

I hope this is somebody's first time listening to this show. Me too. Welcome to CumTown. Three minutes and 30 seconds to this. And they're like, which one's the fat guy that I heard about on the mayonnaise forums? On the mayonnaise forums. We've actually, Patron's been pumping. Are you serious?

I've been pumping my fucking. If we're getting a lot of you fucking subs off the mayonnaise forums, I'm going to need a little pick up on my fucking. Oh my God, our God, our King has a podcast. I just like this pictures on Instagram. That's right. I'm the only one that's fucking inspiring. That stops gender is.

I don't know if we've ever mentioned this on the show, but it was very funny when we got to Sydney and you said to that girl, so I'll see you at the show tomorrow night. She's like, what show? I just like pictures of the girl that fuck me because she just like to fuck back guys. Yeah, you thought that was a great fucking moment in my life. It's happened a couple of times and I'm it means so much more. You got you from the podcast. I wish I could be fetishized in any way.

The hunter has become the hunter. That's right. I'm not in any of those categories. What do you mean? Like the weird, like you get to just fucking be a regular guy that gets pussy. What do you mean? Yeah, but I want to be. I want to be some weird.

You get pussy you don't deserve because you got good bone structure. I have to carry a bird. Yeah, I get finished. I have to get Botox every three weeks. That's true. Nick's face is a nightmare usually. Oh my God. I look like a Korean.

You know how much work it takes to keep that up? To keep this up. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Adam, you absolutely. Oh, I'm not fucking schnoz those glasses. Yeah, of course. I have it up.

You're fucking mom. I sneeze out the cocaine. Like in any hall. Yeah, you've done that. I don't know. You have prop cocaine. So you don't actually waste it. I don't want to waste some money.

It's expensive stuff. And then when they find that out, they're even more. They're even more attracted to these people. They bring fake cocaine to parties so they can pretend like they're contributing and then they just sneeze it everywhere and draw attention to their nose, which they think is superior. It's true. Here at the CIA, we're figuring out another way to get them.

I got to say I hate your nose, Adam, but a girl with a big nose I do like. You like a girl with a big nose. Something about your nose is just. Why don't you like my nose? It's not even that big. Your nostrils are too long. A nose could be a hell of a lot bigger. Your nostrils are too long.

I have long nostrils. That's my biggest issue. Also, I haven't trimmed my nose hairs in a couple of months. I can't see them from here. And also, I got to say, it's not a great shape from the profile. What do you mean? I don't have that bad. I don't have a bump.

I barely have a bump. I like a bump. I'd love to shoot him right in the fucking face. Why? Why? Now that we've brought it up, talking about it. Yeah, just scope. Just fucking blam.

I know this. You're so right, Nick. I was going to say afterwards. Only afterwards you'll be like, no, I'm just playing. I was kidding. I was considering during quarantine getting a. If I had, if I had a little like, that would have been awesome. If I had a little like, come out with a button nose, come out with a small

remote control from click. I'd be shooting Adam in the face and rewind constantly during the show. The recorder still works. It doesn't. It's regular. Yeah. Yeah. So there was, but I would just blast.

That would be awesome. We would hear Adam shrieks of death a hundred times. Stop. Stop it. Blammo. And it's all over the wall. Yeah. And then we rewind.

That's what the movie click was about. That's sort of what the movie, the prestige is about. Yeah. Yes. I'm still thinking about Adam with a Maggie Gyllenhaal nose, little upturned button nose. Yeah. My old pal.

I would love to fuck you if you had a nose like that. Somebody Photoshop Adam with a little nose. I want to see what it looks like. I got, I, I like my nose. Adam Fried Smith. I used to. Adam Fried. Not like it.

I don't have a problem. Listen. It's fine. It serves your purposes. I'm saying you could have a lot worse somebody with your nose. See that's the problem though. You're in an uncanny valley where it's not that good. It's not that bad of a Jewish nose, but it's not a regular nose.

Exactly. Yeah. I want them real bad, real big, real fucked up. You want to fucked up. Stop in uncanny hidden valley. I am. And I'm slurping up all the range. I got, I got, I got one of those beer helmets, but it's like on either side.

It stops in, it stops in a John Candy Valley. I love these are one of my favorite. You can't tell if he's John. I remember there's a, is that a, is that a robot or is it John Candy? Yeah. I can't tell. Like no, it's, it's famous pedophile stuff or something. Wait a second.

No, no. You can call me fat. Beloved pedophile. Beloved. I put a kibosh on the pedophilia jokes, please. Well, I remember there was this MTV true life that she's like, I have not, I'm 900 pounds or whatever. And the lady had the Costco hidden valley in her purse, which rocks in her purse.

In her purse. What's Costco hidden? Like the Costco size, like the family. She didn't have a travel size. She didn't come through with that. Yeah. Like the one you get at the supermarket. She used to, she used to rock, rock up to restaurants.

Was that Hillary Clinton? Well, no. No, for, for, uh, that's her love could be Sanders. I love to watch. I keep in Valley in my bag. I love to watch the doctor from my 600 pound life lecture. Hillary Clinton. You, you are too much of a dumb bitch looking at the chart.

You have to be 10% less dumb bitch before we can do surgery to make you even less of a dumb bitch. All those doctors are in Houston, Texas. Yeah. It was like fat doctor. San Antonio. San Antonio. Yeah.

Damn dude. Being so fat, you can't even get anti fat. San Antonio is a very funny town. I've never been there. There's such a fat place. They have a river. I was a hot bitch over in San Antonio. I went, I went, actually I went when I was very fat.

Now that I think about it. Yeah. I went where I was. Not San Antonio. No, I was a fucking hot little sled around 300 bills. 300 pounds. Look at this new skinny bitch walking. Bumbling up the river walk.

That's Texas. I actually saw the Alamo. Oh my God. It's callistic flock heart. I got to say they have those cool monasteries over there. Dude. It's pretty tight. Alamo.

Just in San Antonio. There's cooler shit than you'd think over there. I love mission style architecture. Dude. I did a cannonball and mission Chinese style. Oh, I had a little mission Chinese strip recently. You know, the other one got canceled for my, my girlfriend. Oh yeah.

The chef was burning. Your girlfriend. Which one? She told me they had to shut down the one in China town. Oh, like before you suck my dick. I have to tell you my girlfriend. She doesn't sound like that. Mission Chinese.

No, no, no. I don't know all the details. Wait, is mission the one we went to? That's the one we went to. Yeah. We went to the Williamsburg one. You know, I was singing the other day. Why the fuck was there never Malaysian food?

Oh, yes. That'd be awesome. That would be cool. It's weird because they, first of all, I feel like you wouldn't talk about CIA stuff. I feel like the Malaysian thing was a CIA thing because they existed for literally seven years and then disappeared. And it's crazy with all these people coming out for DMX, you'd see no Blazians and he had the biggest impact on their community.

That's true. Well, I think the Blazian community had a lot to do with Kimora Lee Simmons spot in the culture. Yeah. Baby fat when it was an ascendant brand. Well, DMX also added an Asian guy to the Rough Riders, Jin from 106 and Parks, Freestyle Fridays. Yeah.

Yeah. We talked about that. That like late nineties, New York culture of like all just Chinese Rough Rider bullshit. Yeah, that's true. They had a lot of Chinese shit. Yeah. They were, that was the peak of people getting Chinese tattoos that they didn't understand. Right.

Which is so funny in retrospect is like thinking of Chinese as this language that nobody speaks. So it's not, there's no point even. Yeah. You can just get a fake. Right. Right. The most people on earth read that fucking script. Yeah.

I remember someone was getting, I think Kenyan Martin, because Jeremy Lin got dreadlocks. I remember that. And they were like, how dare you culturally appropriate? And then Jeremy Lin was like, look at your fucking tattoos. He just had a bunch of Chinese letters all over him. Yeah. He rocks. That's what that brand Super Dry is.

It's just like Japanese nonsense. That's right. Yeah. It's not a Japanese brand. It's always like Italian dads that like Super Dry jackets. Outback steakhouse of jackets. Yeah. What if they got mad about that?

Who are the Japanese? The Australians. Were they like, cultural appropriations? This is cultural appropriation. And you're like, well, you don't have a culture. No. Yeah. He got me there.

Guess I'll go drink paint thinner. Yeah. What about, back to having sex with animals and drinking paint thinner. That's our baseball. They got bogans or whatever. That's what they call hillbillies. Yeah. Bogans.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ugg all. And Marge is like, do you have any boob? Were you made bargains? No. Boob.

Boob. You know, Marge is like N.I. And you're like, bro. A classic scene from a sense. keeps asking if they have the word in Australia because Bart had a collect call that went too long. That was a great episode. That's one of the best. Yeah. We're Homer cries when they change the toys every all the all the small jokes in that episode are fucking like top to your the best knife. This is a letter from Australia. Yeah. Letter from

Australia in the stamp says 30 years of electricity. Yeah. The Aussies can suck my fucking hard to talk. Yeah. Well they did that. I'm concerned if I remember correct. We have no respect for you. But the New Zealanders tremendous. The Kiwis. Yeah. Shouts out to them. Shouts out to all them doing the hockey. Shouts out to them. Shouts out to the shire. I I recently read all the Lord of the Rings books and I got to say I'm a big fan and I'm excited. I watched the first 20 minutes of the Fellowship of the Rings film yesterday. OK. And I'm excited to get into the whole thing. Good luck bro. I'm excited. I'm starting my journey. It's a guy that's in the movies that everyone's I've never seen them real quick. Just as a

formality Lord of the Young and Rings. That's going on. That's in there. Going on the board. There's a lot to go. Yeah. Where are we supposed to go to New Zealand on the last Australia tour. Lord of the cheese string. Lord of the cheese string. So we're supposed to get pussy in New Zealand for our tour or something. I think you're like we got to stop there so I get a couple of pussies. I think certainly I would like to try and fuck a woman in every country that New Zealand's kind of a hot girl country secretly. It is. Yeah. They have hot girls. Yeah. And now people in general. And now that I'm now that I'm supercharged with the shire we definitely got to go. We got to go to New Zealand. I need to get pussy at

back end. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. I need to get pussy in Gondor. I want to get my dick sucked at the top of the Misty Mountains. I'm cursed. I'm going to look like I look like a child until I look like fucking like the Rockies trainer. Yeah. Gold. He got pussy that guy. So I'll be either people were saying he's a big 16 and then suddenly I'll be fucking. I'll be I'll be Burgess Meredith. Burgess got pussy though. Yeah. Oh yeah. Burgess definitely got I believe I was listening to an old podcast that Michael Rappaport was on and he called him a famous Hollywood stick man. Wow. Burgess Meredith. Wow. Yeah. He got more pussy than anybody. Kevin Durant. Also Burgess is a great name. Burgess Meredith your name. Your first

name doesn't make sense. Your second name is a woman's name. You don't care. Busties. Busties. Busties Meredith. Yeah. Dude. I can't wait to get pussy on the open fields of Rohan. Busties. Busties inside. Yeah. I can't wait to go find the eye. You know. I'm talking about the clitoris. The brown eye. The brown eye. I'm trying to get some. I try to fuck some asses. You my brown eye girl. Yeah. That's that's what that's about. He has about Van Morrison pretending a man's ass is a pussy. Do you remember when we used to pretend your ass was a pussy and I wasn't fucking gay. That's good. That's a good one. My dick is fucking gay. I'm fucking gay. My dick is small. I want you to fuck your ass. You suck my dick.

I hate Van Morrison. Do you remember when? Oh, but you got to listen to. We had gay sex. You got to listen to asshole weeks. That's a good record. Asshole weeks. Asshole weeks by Van Morrison. Dude, I'm going to go to New Zealand and have sex with the Prime Minister. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's hot. Just in the. I'm trying to get just in the pussy. Yeah. Just in the pussy. Yeah. They say they put a tip just in the pussy. I like her big teeth for a second. I like big teeth. I like her. She said I cannot put a tip just in the in the your ass. Just in the food. Just in the fuck. Just what Clark Gafford or as was it last time is gay for. Yeah, right. Come on. We're coming for that pussy. Come on,

bro. You better hand that pussy over. Give it over. You can use the easy way or the hard way. You are my penis girl. Clark. We're going to fuck your wife and then we'll fuck you in the ass. He's actually a good looking guy. Clark. Clark Gafford, but you got a hand to pussy. Let me see what Clark looks like. Oh man. Shout out to Jacinda for not taking the gayford name. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you remember you to be a very funny crime is using like a hot air balloon. It looks like he's a MLB using a hot air balloon like this guy. He's not hot for a politician. He looks kind of like Jimi Kimmel. He just looks like he looks like a Jimmy Kimmel with less of a chin in our world. What is that supposed to mean?

I'll fuck. I'll fuck this guy. What is that cock to twins? If you can guess the song you get the fuck stop in his head. No. Is it heaven or Las Vegas? Just send the R word. Is that this bitch's name? Yeah. Just send the R word. Yeah. Yeah. She does have some big ass teeth. She got something big. I get my nuts chomped on. Yeah. You can just send you trying to nibble. What's the huge tits scale? What are we doing here with Jacinda and R word? I wouldn't say she damn she's like pregnant and shit. Oh yeah. Look in this picture she's like being the president and pregnant. Damn. They're so progressive over there. Yeah. The president tits. Clark Gaffer. Fuck Clark. I can suck my man. Just send the ardent. It's a picture

of AOC's cans. That's awesome. One display comes up. So she's got AOC teeth. It would be funny if like that the capital did get like raided all the way and it becomes like the historical event like you know like the storming of the Bastille or fucking the Russian Revolution. And in a hundred years like people are just looking at paintings of AOC getting titty fucked by that guy. Beagle is like something that happened. You gotta put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk. Yeah. That's that's the thing is like that's how you know it wasn't a coup because she didn't get titty fucked. I feel like that would be the first order of business. If I was there. Well I thought I'd be like I don't give a shit about any

of this politics stuff. I got one thing in mind. Yeah. Some of us have our own personal demands. We have our own and it's a broad coalition. It's a big tent coalition and I'm the one pitching it. I think I would. I think I don't know that rape would be at the top of the list. It's not rape. It's a revolution. It's what it's fucking it's a communist revolution dude. That's all any kind of violence that happens in the service of a larger progressive political shift is good. OK. It's called moral relativism and I've used it to justify the titty fucking that I would like to participate in against all odds or and to you that she's just a she's a symbol of the state. Yes. It's not even about the person. I'm I'm I would

be in there titty fucking everything I saw. Right. And he's just happened to be one of the things being titty. Right. Right. The first thing I'm titty fucking the Constitution right now you're getting paper cuts up and down your dick. Yeah. I'm going to I'm going to roll the scrolls together. There's a national treasure. Yeah. But like but fuck the scrolls. I love that. Yeah. Nick Cage has to fuck the scrolls to find the treasure. Yeah. You got to titty fuck the statue. We're going to fire a titty fuck. So you figure out where they kept all the Statue of Liberty's pussy gold. Yeah. That's dude. Clark Gaffer is the host of a fishing television show. Wow. That's pretty cool. Deadliest gash. I got to say

it's about cushy dreams or something. It's about it's pretty cool to know your president was getting nutted inside while she was president. That's awesome. Yeah. And they never got married. They're having bastards. He took a picture or something. Tell him about that. Is it blue cheer cushy dreams in about 20 minutes. Oh yeah. So it's blue cheer now or it's blue cheer now. OK. I'll tell you. Clark Gaffer. It's a time of the show where we we talk about and this is you know honestly I'm glad it's cushy dreams and blue cheer this week. Two of our sponsors that I actually use to a degree that some might even refer to as criminal. Yeah. Really. Which one is really important. When I when I'm stormed in the capital. Rock hard

and high out of my mind. The video the video of the guy smoking the joint in the capital return that was actually cushy dream. That's what that's what's funny about in America. That was the best. Any type of political movement whatsoever. There's people get there's always a weed thing. Yeah. You have like a Nambla protest. We should be able to fuck kids and there be a guy that's like it's just a plant man. Do I remember you going to make a plant to legal during Trayvon. I was with Nick on the train and he's like there was a they're having a huge protest in Union Square and Nick was like we should just go down there with legalize it. We can get mad at you because they just think you're like some weed. Yeah

kind of like you can copy and paste it over. You can like co-opt. You know that was a big part of Occupy too. Yeah. Oh for sure. I had neighbors when I when Occupy was going on they were like we're going down there. Dude they're finally going to it's going to be legal and it's like how how out of touch are you. It's crazy that it is legal and no one really cares. Yeah. I mean maybe we're just out of the demographic that does care anymore but no one's like running down the street being like we did it. That's because we've got much better drugs now. Yeah. Also you've been able to get weed here pretty easily. Yeah. I guess it this happened four years ago. Do you want to do weed or would you rather

do cocaine, ketamine and Molly all at the same time. Yeah. I can't do that shit man. I would die. Yeah. Well that's kind of I would rather do because I would rather do. Yeah. Take some chewable tablets because I love sex and that means I love blue two dot com. Well that's the thing. That's something that's important to note is that the New Zealand's first bloke. What's his name? Gayford. Gayford. Guy Fagari. Guy Fagari. Clark Gayford. Clark Gayford. A lot of people don't know this. He was taking blue chewable tablets. We're coming back. We're here down in New Zealand. We're getting a rock star piece of Prime Minister pussy. Dictators, dames and I don't know. Diggery

dews. Diggery dews. There you go. Thank you. Clark Gayford was actually busting loads in the Prime Minister with the help of blue chew dot com. Blue chew dot com. If you like sex you're gonna love blue chew dot com. It's a website that sells for free by the way. If you use our promo code. Very inexpensive promo code. Come down 20 or come down. Come down or come down 20. You know the deal folks. They change. Try them both. Try them both. Try both promo code. Both promo codes. One will work. One will work. Put your roommates information and get the free sampler twice. 20 percent. You would think by now they would be come down 21. But but maybe it has to do with the 20 percent. I think I think it's

more but well don't you give for your first order free first order free. I think it was just 20 20 was one thing. I don't remember any of the promo codes ever being come down 19. Never. Never. I think they were come down and updated it to the point is you want your cock hard. We know who's listening right now. A bunch of limp dick pieces of shit. Some spaghetti dick noodle. Even the girls even the girls. So blue. She's a dry as fuck. Get. Look if you're a girl get blue chew for your boyfriend. Pull a little Elliot Page action. Get on the zoom. With. You know get you get you put on you put your best Elliot page outfit together. Get on the zoom call and say my dick doesn't work. Well you don't

have to get on the zoom call. I don't think you got to do it. You got to zoom. The thing is there's no yeah there's no for whatever reason we didn't have to do. I think we had to do a nurse. We got grandfathered into the old school operation which was just one Russian guy. Nice and a wink wink. Yeah. I had to do a nurse practitioner and she had a loving center asshole. She didn't. Yeah. I was giving her a token. No. So I had to see a liverwurst practitioner. There's a woman with a bunch of Braunschweiger shop dinner pussy that stuff had to eat out. What's a Braunschweiger. It's a sausage. Braunschweiger's it's I think it's the same thing as liverwurst. Worst is the sausage. Right. Yeah. Bratwurst. How

do you not know what Braunschweiger is. Not that much of a sausage. It's good. He doesn't like the nonsense. Oh we got to get we got to we got to make you a sandwich. OK. A little sauerkraut Braunschweiger. OK. Rye open face melt some provolone. That sounds pretty good. Honestly. Those are the flavors. I'm not that not that into you know. I like liver deli meant deli mustard sauerkraut. Melt some provolone on top. Not a sauerkraut guy. Got to be honest with you. I'd like more. My sausages are more of a country style village sausage. Not this fucking German shit. That's true. Adam you were correct. I don't really fuck with the crowds on a solidarity that solidarity. That's right dude. And you know what. Let's not forget

they tried to come over here and fuck up Greece as well. I mean they they succeeded because they were taking blue two blue two is chewable tablets. Well they succeed. They're not pills. We're not allowed to call them pills. No. And we're not allowed to say that the chewables are blue chews. Blue Chew is the name of the company. The company's blue and they sell it. Happens to sell chewables. They made it very clear the active ingredients of viagra and Seattle that someone was very mad at us for referring to them as pills. Right. And we actually and that I we don't think that's stupid. We don't agree. We agree. And they'd like to keep getting money from them. Well mainly we'd like to keep getting pills

if we get. Yeah. Yeah. We get paid in. Sorry. Not pills. Chewables. They become pills when I get them. Yeah. I'll call them whatever I want in my house in my own home. They belong to me. Don't try it on me. They stay out of my go to Blue Chew and buy the chewables from them with promo code come town and then call them whatever you want. And then when they arrive at you tear up the end user agreement and call them whatever you want. They can't boss you around. But us. We're their little fuck. It's the same ingredients. They take the tablets and they fuck our asses and then they leave advertising payment on the night stand to dollar fill and the dollar fill and gelato gelato gelato gelato gelato something

like that. But it's the same active ingredient. Not the same ingredients because mind you these taste like candy. As viagra. This isn't some gas station bullshit. No. You don't have to take Street Overlord anymore. You don't have to take Rhino Plus. Some of some of the the world's greatest men were actual Blue Chew customers including Clark Clark Gaffer it was a Gaffer 10 years ago. Teddy Roosevelt Somilada friends. I am not lying when I tell you my dick does not work. It's small. But with the help of chewable tablets I have the confidence to go West and fuck. Go West and fuck young man. Go West and fuck natives young man. We must be like the Spanish conquistadors and rape our way through the West. A grand

tradition of American rape to be restored on January 6th at the Capitol. Thanks to Blue Chew by me. Teddy Rose drops the tinny fucking bad boy of Rio Digenera. Teddy Roosevelt at Blue Chew dot com. So go to Blue Chew dot com if you want to rape like Teddy no in person doctor visits. No awkward conversations. Just a quick zoom meeting with some dumb bitch. Good thing we didn't call them pills though. Adam why are you talking about your experience with a little zoom call. I talked to her. It was in a rough place. She helped me out. With the pills. This was just after Adam's wife had left him. My wife left me and he was having trouble getting hard for the 17 year old. 17 year olds just weren't hidden

like they used to. So I needed pills to help me out. Yeah. And why don't you tell us about that time you were jacking off on cam. And then it was like a guy that came on the camera. That happened. Yeah. That did happen. Yeah. On chatter bait. Yeah. And then they tried to blackmail you. Yeah. And then I just this is recent too. Right. No I was like no this is like when I moved to New York. This is before we started the show. Yeah. No I was on chat roulette and some some guy in Morocco. It was like brought to you by Blue Chew dot com. Yeah. And some chick was some chick was on it. But it said location Morocco. So that should have been a tip off because she was a white girl. But I was like maybe it's like

a yeah. She's a holiday. Yeah. How about Les Rocco. Yeah. And then she was like do you want to socialist. She wanted to say all the things saying all the things journalists on Twitter say she wanted to Skype me and I assumed that meant that she was going to show me her breasts. Why did she show him to you on fucking chat. Well you know because the Chinese are monitoring it. It's Chinese spyware because everyone knows. So I've Skyped her and then she was like kind of like showing me cleavage and then she's like all right can I tell you what I want. I was like OK. And she said I want to see your penis and then she said I like you to turn around and show me your asshole. And I was like why would

a girl why would a girl want that. And then and then the screen went black and then there was like on the dialogue like the chat. It's like all right. And then they showed me the video of me. Show you the video you're beating off. Show me the video of me. Did you like exposing my penis and then showing my asshole. Oh you did show your asshole. Yeah. I was like if this chick wants it. I was pretty lonely at the time. And then did you spread it. Yeah. She's like show me your asshole. Not only do you turn around your hole. I spread my cheeks and expose my hole. And then I guess the video is out there somewhere. There's a Moroccan guy. He's like listen man. He's like my boss needs money. He's like I can't.

He's like we spent too much time on you. I can't like step away without getting any money for this. And I was like dude I literally don't have any. I was like I'm I just don't have any money. Yeah. I'm not even lying. I'm Jim. And then he's like we found your Facebook. That was like what he's he's like and then it's he like told me my parents names or something because he saw it on my Facebook. And then I just blocked him and I was like all right I guess my mom's gonna see my asshole. And then just nothing happened there. So nice. You beat it baby. I guess so. But that guy still has that video. Maybe he's a fan of the show. Hopefully not. He was a fan of the show. He would have posted it by now. I think

he would have posted it by now. But yeah I guess that's a fairly common thing that happens. What the fuck is the point of the let me see your asshole part. I thought a girl video gay or yeah it may it looks gay to make you to make you seem like it's just in his country that's like the death. Yeah. You get stoned to death. Yeah. But yeah I was like I was like twenty three. They're freaking out or shipped to you in discreet packaging. So you go promo code come 20 and type in put in blue. So that's sort of sponsored. Yeah we use them. We love them. And if you're trying to be like us. If you want to be like the cool guy just like us on the radio show. You'll go. You'll take a blue shoe and you'll sign

up for karate classes at ultimate military experience. That's right. Adult karate. You'll become a 40 year old man that rumbles around with other 40 year old men. Yeah. When I when I'm ready to Jits with my me my partner Jits or me my partner Jitsing with each other. Yeah. There's nothing I love more than taking a couple of blue shoes. Let me tell you something you'll love it but your partner will love it even more. Yeah. My Jits partner. Jits partner. Yeah. One of my combat and he's I've like so much respect for these guys. The man I respect the most as a 47 year old man is the man that teaches me. Like a mentor. Yeah. He's kind of my hero. I am. I'm forty two. He's forty seven. I have so much respect

for him forty two. He's thirty six. And I respect him. He's twenty four years old and I admire that young man. Oh yeah baby. We should all say if you want to hear more episodes say my grandpa would do that shit but he like he was too old for karate so he would do it with like the guy that showed him how to use the battery tester at AutoZone. Yeah. He'd be like this young man Carlos. I love. He's like more of a grandson than you ever will. You know I love that young man. Maybe he wants to fuck. Yeah. If you want to hear more episodes of the pod we should go to patreon.co slash come down slash come down now over 300 bonus episodes and come out every week. Let's start to show. Let's start. There's not three. There's

two two hundred and eighteen. I think. All right. Okay. Two hundred and seventy. Who fucking cares. In my opinion three hundred. Yeah. So go fucking check those out and his movie three hundred good. Don't rewatch. Probably not. I loved it when I was 16 or whatever. Because it was your history. Because I was high as shit. It was my history. Yeah. Yeah. I was fucking blasted for that. Oh. So I've identified with the Persian guy because that one that the highest I've ever been in. Balden. I was not bald then I'm not bald now. That's true. I was bald for a brief time in my life. Dark time. I was like a Charlie Brown style young man. Three hundred is the amount of hair follicles left on Stoff's body. No. I

just wait. No. And just hide that millimeters. Yeah. That's my dicks. No chance. Fuck. That's three centimeters isn't it. No it's 30. 30 centimeters. Big dick. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. The 30 centimeters is like what like 15 inches. So I'm like oh yeah that's my dick for sure. Yeah for sure. Stoff's got a 15 inch dick. And that's the blue shoe Karen too. I'm sure it's I'm sure 300 bad now but at the time it hit just right. Yeah that was definitely one of the highest movies I've seen that in the Marine. I was like incapacitated going into that. I saw an opening like a midnight midnight showing of the Marine the opening night. It was me and my friend and then this like 28 year old woman and her like 15 year

old son. I brought a backpack of claws to Mortal Kombat last week. I got pretty twisted. I might start smoking weed again but only at the movie theater. It's not a bad way to be. It's pretty cool. Just like like just fucking taking an entire like joint to the face and doors. No right out. So right out. You have to smoke weed legal directly outside. No you move used to be you just get as high as possible in the parking lot. Right. And then like run in and sit down with like with a big pretzel just like a Dixie cup with nacho cheese and it to dip the pretzel in. I'm a tradition. I'm a popcorn guy. I mean I need the biggest fucking box of pop dipping the cheese pretzel in there being high out of

my mind watching like wicker man. Those are some of the best days of my life. The highest I saw one of the fat. I think fast five apps could not tell you one second of what happened. Like I was so fucking high was me and eldest and just getting a fucking weekend in the fucking in the fucking movie. I remember I was just I got drunk for G.I. Joe and I could not I just I mean I remember I wasn't blacked out. I remember sitting there and trying to understand the entire being like what the fuck is going on. I also did that with with fuck what's a 21 Jump Street the sequel 22 Jump Street. I had a show at the auto bar and Ben O'Brien was going to see the late the late showing of 22 Jump Street pretty

funny franchise and I was I was getting free drinks. I was still drinking a lot at the time and the I was getting absolutely blitzed on a fucking vodka so it knows tequila ginger ales you know and there was absolutely nothing doing getting pussy wise so I figured why not go. Why not see my boy Ben and I just ate. I literally sat down shoveled a large popcorn in my mouth or went right to sleep. I just paid thirty dollars to have a lot of popcorn. I did that an avatar. I got a bucket of new castles and I drank all six of them during the previews fell asleep in the first like five minutes. I knew I made it to like just the part where they put him in the avatar. Yeah. I was gone. Dr. Strange I fell asleep

off the edibles. The new King Arthur the Guy Ritchie King Arthur don't remember one moment of it. I am so high. I might want to try actually cushy dreams and go. Yeah. That's true. That would help makes you smarter. In fact you remember all of it and that's the evils of marijuana because I've probably watched so many movies. I don't know the fuck is this. What Doritos nacho cheese is yellow in Australia. It's gay. That sucks. And we didn't we see that. I feel like now that I'm remembering Australia I feel like that was like the one thing I learned while I was there that Doritos were yellow. They're a different guy. I don't remember. They saw this in the opera house and there wasn't an Indian tourist. So we

laughed. I went twice. That beach did shout out to was it Bondi. It was the beach next to Bondi. James Bondi. We went. We were told there would be too many tourists at Bondi. We are going to James Bondi Beach. That's where you should have gone to laugh it in the interest. Cushy dreams.com is your one stop shop for getting your dick sucked by some CBD smokable flower. That's right. If you've tried CBD in the past the oils you know that they're bullshit and it's fake and you dig in. Anyone who has it has a fucked up little shrimp. You should know that CBD oil is a scam snake oil. Snake oil itself is probably better for you. I can tell you that taking snake oil does one thing. It's like it will

absolutely protect you from the coronavirus. That's true. That's true. No reason. You high. No reason to get the vaccine. That's yes. Cushy dreams. Cushy dreams. That's your dream. This is the copy. Yeah. They say don't take the vaccine. Smoke cushy dreams. It is 100 percent legal smokable flower. It smells like weed that's going to as someone that doesn't even like smoking weed personally. I was apprehensive about smoking it because you still have that fear. It's like I'm just going to be too high. Right. It's like that kind of quality. It feels like real weed. It's like this is just going to fuck me. I can't be able to get anything done all morning. Right. But then you smoke it and you're like oh all my anxiety is gone.

This is like very nice. I'm in a good mood. I'm able to be funny. Yeah. And you maybe get 30 minutes of that before that part of your brain takes over that says this isn't self destructive enough. Right. It's time to do. Where's the actual hard drugs. Where is this. But there's a nice you got a half hour. Let's put some heroin in my mouth. You got a half hour where you watch the beginning of Goodfellas. Drink a Diet Coke. Yeah. And have a really nice twenty twenty two minutes. It's very good. They got nine. They got hustle energy. Peace. Yeah. Create retard. Reduce what's retired. I think is how you pronounce it. Yeah. They don't want to call not gay. Yeah. Okay. You're guaranteed not to do any

gay shit or have any gay thoughts. Not gay anymore. Slime. Slime. Slime. That's slimy ass pussy. The kind of pussy I like me. I like the kind of pussy that's slimy. I think slimy. Yeah. They call me slimy. They call me because I never I get pussy and I leave my dick wet when I come back to hang out with them. When I come back to the picnic I got my dick out and it's slimy. And they say spider you're crazy. My name used to be spider but now it's slimy. Yeah. And now there's a different guy named spider and his name used to be Tweety Bird. Yeah. I want to be named Tweety Bird. That's an awesome name. Yeah. This is our gang is Tweety Bird spider Hector Joker clown. Yeah. Joker Tweety Bird. That's spider number

two. I'm psycho. This is spider. That's slimy. Nestor. Nester Hector Hector three Tweety Bird Tokyo drift. Actually Tokyo drift is another one I was kind of high for because she dreams is a perfect thing to take while watching Tokyo dreams. And when you smoke it you'll feel I got some Tokyo dreams. Get my dick sucked by a Japanese girl with big ass titties. Yeah. Me too. You'll feel really good smoking cushy dreams. Smokable CBD flower. Smoking because you can it's independently lab tested. And there's even when you sneak that slogan into a bunch of other things it's still fucking so stupid. You can if you go to the website they sell eights and they sell pre-rolls love the pre-rolls and they sell the pre-rolls

in grams and they also sell them in the little five to be honest I don't know why you wouldn't just buy the pre-roll. Well some people like to mix things up because roll your own people like the ritual of rich twisting up. Yep. Or you could even smoke out of a water pipe if that's your thing. Yeah. I guess that's it. Yeah. But it's really it is real smooth. You know I like that. You know what I do like to spray menthol on my know that it's to stand in solidarity with the black community. That was a wild take on social media. No. Do you see that shit. No. We're talking about like making a ban on all illegal and then or but they're banning mental and like cigarette production. No that's fucking and then everybody's

like just so they can arrest black guys and it's like I grew most of the time. Yes. But I don't think they're going to be arresting black people for smoking. They're smoking in Newport. That's a little insane. Also it's like that's just a stereotype. It'd be very funny if they're like they're getting rid of fried chicken. Yeah. Like oh wait what's next watermelon. What's next. Not being around your kids Kool-Aid. You're not allowed to drink Kool-Aid and eat fried chicken anymore. Yeah. And it's like maybe just wait. Maybe just chill out black people to complain about this rather than jumping the gun and saying they want to take. Yeah. You're not pissed because grape duches are also in the mix. That you want to

talk about a ritual. Yeah. Going to Royal Farms getting a fucking grape duch rolling a little blunt. That's that's my fucking childhood. Yeah. They're taking that away from you having fruit. It was part of the fucking. That was awesome. Buying two duches fucking bust them open got to get the great flavored ones. Me and my boy fucking Pete. Me and our boy Tommy with the fucked up thing by his ear. We used to drive to fucking Philly to get cheese steaks smoking great blunts the whole way. It was awesome. I wanted to do that a couple of weeks. Yeah. But it just sounded like it would not be worth it. Just go to Philly fucking cushy dreams. Yeah. I mean I'll do that. I'll take a couple of perks that take the Amtrak down

there because she dreams.com. Yeah. If you enter promo code secrets. Secret one eight two two six. Yeah. They'll add Percocet to your order. Yeah. They'll sell on the side of your warrants. Mm hmm. Dude. But listen you this is a beautiful product. We smoke it. I smoke it when I'm trying to get on the saws nitrogen sealed or something that I think is also on the web. So I smoke the previous and I'm feeling fucking nice. And if you want to be like us like we said go to fucking cushy dreams.com. That's K US H white. Yeah. I emailed them and I asked them for if I could have some more products and they didn't email me back. Really. Yeah. So I'm not gonna have to buy my own cushy dreams. I guess they just have to reply

to every single one of our tweets. Yeah. Yeah. But not give us free shit. Well. I'm a suck man. Yeah. In fact my in fact I might have to buy my own duffel bag from Ridge Wallet but yeah you know that's how things go I guess. Maybe if you had a relationship with the people that you know I guess that's how things go where the fuck is that gone. I told you there was a there was a place that was going where was it. I'm not discussing it. You know I do a lot of community outreach. No way dude with the community. You've got to fucking posters of fucking guys kissing in there. That's where it is. Well someone else does now. Who asked for that. I do a lot of stuff for the gay community. I get

backpacks and I fill with gay porn. I bring it down to the gay bars. I go down to to Queen Victoria. Yeah. And I fucking hand out backpacks filled with gay pornography. And that's why I'm a good guy. And I say God damn us everyone. This is like tiny Tim. So yeah kushydreams.com KGUSHYDreams promo code come town for 20% off your next order. Mary gay mess everyone god damn us everyone. God damn us to hell. God damn us to hell. I'm getting a call from Ben O'Brien. Wow his ears must be burning. Hold on. Hey man I'm doing come town right now you're on the phone. This is embarrassing. Wow. Anyway. Classic Ben O. Here you know what. Put him on the wire. We'll put you on the wire. We got a wire so everybody can

talk. Yeah. Here you go. Plug him in. This is this is some real business but you guys keep keep playing doing your little you know your little podcast. Well this is a real business. It's a big time business. I'm probably gonna go to prison for tax evasion. You know what I kind of wish I was always on the line for how often you guys are like trying to think of like a piece of trivia on the show that I absolutely know the answer to. Yeah. I hear that's infuriating. What's Einstein's birthday. Okay. Wow. Here we got Mr. Genius coming in probably the most basic genius fact in the world. It's like it's on the application the Harvard. It's the first question. Then you went on. Honestly I couldn't be more happy

that I called you at this moment. All right. All right. I'll talk. I'll call you after all right. I did. That was Ben O. Brian friend of the show head of the American Nazi party. He's not. Yes he is. Yes he is. He's proud. He's head of the American cute guy party. He's cute. He's like Justin Long without hair. He does look like Justin Long. He really does and he sounds like Justin Long's wearing a piece. Did you know that? No. It's a fake penis. Well because he has hair. Yeah. Just along his hair but he's wearing a fake penis. He's got a piece. He's got a piece. Just a lot of great question for Oprah when Elliot Page comes on. Now Elliot are you wearing a piece. It's like what are you asking me.

Are you wearing a fake penis around town. Elliot Page goes on Regis. Elliot tell us about the penis situation. You're a fellow now. That's all fine and Danny when you go out of town you're out of here. You leave the studio. You're walking down Broadway. Are you wearing a fake penis. Is it a big one. Is it a small one. Is it floppy. Does it come hard. This is what paper want to know. Talking about the pronouns. What's the inches. How are you measuring it. That's right. Is it bigger than mine. Is mine big. Is it small. I still don't know. I've never learned. Damn dude. Alright Pete that's the biggest tragedy. We're never going to get to Regis Elliot Page. Let me ask you this. So you're still shaving

your pussy. Because I guess it's a matter of hygiene but if you want to if you're because you got to be thinking I don't have a pussy. So you'd stop taking care of it. If it was me it would look like Jumanji down there. You'd have Robert Williams poking his head out saying I've been trapped in a board game for 30 years. You ever see that picture Elliot. Beautiful movie. Usually I don't go for the artistic stuff but that one got me. That in Titanic. Everything else I've seen is how to have a dance number. Let me ask you that's a question. If you're dancing with a girl are you leading now. When you go out dancing with dames. Do they ask do you have to wear the penis to the dance. You'll be at the Grammys

next week. Let me ask you something. Who did your penis for that. Who is Tom Ford doing your penis for the Grammys. He doesn't say a single word. 35 minute interview. Silent. You ever see those pandas we rented from China. Ten million dollars we paid for those things. And they're what just fat Chinese bears. It's fun. I always thought that was funny Elliot because we got bears and so does China and their bears. They're very much just the Chinese version of bears. Imagine a Chinese guy was a bear and that's what you'd get. That's kind of like your situation. No don't leave. Damn dude a fucking legend. Big Regis. If only he could have lived to see Elliot transition. So in the meantime are you getting your pussy

sewn shut. Just fixated on the genitals. I guess it's pretty good that you never really had a big pair of tits to begin with. We all saw Juno. I mean if they had to cut off a huge pair of tits that would be a real tragedy. It's not like we're losing you know Dolly Parton over here. It's not like we're losing Rock Hell Welsh. You're already playing pretty close to the middle of the field is what I mean. It's good. No when you go and I said it's good. The door is locked. Oh man. Are they going to have to make your nipples smaller though. Do you know what I mean because sometimes I've seen women that completely flat chested but they still got big nipples. Have you considered in the future maybe breastfeeding

you just looking like as always about to cry. Regis just keeps going. I'm curious. I want to know. America's greatest interviewer. I haven't really seen anyone with little titties but big nipples. I have to be honest. It happens. It happens. Weird little titties little nipples of course. And I've seen some big nips and I am mad at them at all. In fact some might say my nipples are pretty large. For a woman. For a man. You got little ass nipples. I have small nipples. Small titties small nipples. Got really little nipples. Why did you decide to talk about your top surgery in Time Magazine. I want to. You got your titties cut off. Tell us about that. About it. For a couple reasons. I wanted to share with people just how much

it has changed my life. Right. But you didn't have big tits to begin with. Already there's such lack of access or trans people. Let me ask you something. Are you going to start peeing standing up before you get the dick or what. Healthcare and the reality of the healthcare is that it's supported by medical institutions and it saves lives. That sounds fucking gay. Tell me about the cock. You're getting an utter. There lies in terms of what they're saying about the healthcare and the. Believe it's life saving. And it's the case for so many people. And because there is such an attack on trans healthcare right now when I'll be there's such lack of access or trans people who don't even want to go to the doctor.

What you are hearing from certain lawmakers. Our actual complete and utter. Their other lies in terms of what they're saying about. Did you hear Paul Ryan said I had a small dick. I never liked that guy. Yeah. Is that what you're talking about. Chuck Schumer said I sucked a cock at Burning Man two years ago. I've never even been. First of all it's pull a quiz. It was Bonnaroo. And what I did was I put a giant foam finger in my ass which was funny. It was a joke. It killed everyone loved it. The healthcare and. Children will die. What's going to happen next for you Elliot. Children will die. Okay. All right. If you say so. Thank you to our guest Elliot Page. Yeah. I mean I could just you watch that interview

and you see this. You know this this man on the verge of tears and like yeah that's definitely a guy. Yeah. That's something a guy would do. I don't know. I cry a lot. Yeah. That's what I would do. You would be on Oprah snickering and trying to be funny and then flirting with Oprah. Well she has a sex appeal. She's actually hot. If you're in the same room are you trying to fuck my pussy. I would love to fuck Oprah. It's seven grams. Seven grams got the right idea. Yeah. He doesn't even have to marry her. He's just living off of billions of dollars. Well if you want to fuck Oprah you can go to come dot town. Yeah. And you can fuck over there. I'm never going to tell you what's on come dot town. You can go ahead and find

out for yourself. And Adam. Yes. Is is doing community theater. I am. That's true. As the crowds come back to the play boxes in New York City. I will be. I do hope that we start booking shows and if only out of spite it would be nice if there's like another spike just after all the world comedians start doing shows again. That they and so just so that we just get a taste of them not canceling any of the right doing in many ways. The show must go on. Yeah. Yeah. And then it goes and then it goes away goes away and then it goes away just to have them. So we just get to see that it was full. They were full of shit the entire time. Yeah. And then they claim to have long. Yeah. I I stop. We go to stop

without biz. I have some t-shirts. I also maybe by the time this is up we'll have some dates announced. OK. Going like a nice long. You'd like to announce the first date is with Arnold Schwartz. It's a guy. I'm going to kiss him. I'm going to kiss muscles. He's going. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to be like wow. Nice penis. Stop. It's so tiny. No. It's big. It's like a baby's penis. It's like a very nice baby. Yeah. When I say I'm going to pump you up. I don't mean like that. Like you look like you're pumped up. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Too wordy. Sorry. I got it. I got it. Well we have to. Thanks a lot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jeez. It's my fault. I'm sorry. You completely blow it. Elliot you blew it.

What did you tell us about that now that you're a guy. Do you feel you know you're blowing it with women. Yeah. Know what it feels like to be a loser.