The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 26 – CONGRATULATIONS PRESIDENT HILLARY!!!!

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

The boys offer a big huge yas queen congrats to the slay queen herself who’s going to inspire little girls everywhere to be yas queens. Actually its mostly the kind of drunken political commentary you can hear in the waiting area of a Jiffy Lube. Adam ge

Is it working? Yeah, it's great. Your business... I knew it would work. ...is anything but ordinary. If we manufacture this, we can expand into a whole new market. From new innovations to new markets, ATB is defying convention on business growth.

For financial advice and solutions that power, it's never been done before. Come talk to the experts at ATB. I don't know. So this is the super special regular episode post-election coverage. We're sitting here right now where it looks like Hillary Clinton is the new president of the United States. Yes. And we're recording this 100% live.

This is my fight song. It's in no way a pre-recorded episode. And you know what? I'm with her, dude. I've been with her therecorded episode And you know what I'm just so I'm with her dude I've been with her The entire time And you know what We knew that we were

Going to beat these Fucking these bros On the country All these racist ass These male ass Crack of white boys It's not their country No more

We told them We told them that All the POC women Who are statistically Six percent of the United States population Were gonna We're gonna do it We're gonna We're gonna make of the United States population we're gonna we're gonna do it we're gonna

make our voices heard and we're gonna get yes queen into the White House and we did it we 100% did it feels good yeah folks that's what we would be saying if we actually did pre-record this podcast like a bunch of frauds yeah we really

shit the bed because we only prepared pro hillary uh yeah she won stuff yeah exactly we uh like hillary we didn't even prepare a concession so we needed the next eight and a half hours to pout in the cryo chamber that's keeping us alive and her michael jackson bubble zero gravity fucking iron lung that she lives in. Yeah. Fuck, man. So we're... She's like...

You know when she sleeps in that thing from... Remember in Big Lebowski? The writer, that guy that wrote for Branded? Yeah, the iron lung. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, let me tell you something. I don't like liars.

And if he doesn't throw her in jail, we should impeach her. That's what I'm saying, dude. I think that's why he's going to get impeached for not having Hillary Clinton placed on the National Mall. This is actually my idea of his plan to win back America's economic power from China, is he's going to sell tickets to Chinese, wealthy Chinese. I don't even know how you get wealthy in China. Karate?

Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Karate, yeah, yeah. You have to start a dojo. All the karate billionaires in China are going to buy tickets to watch Hillary Clinton get murdered on the National Mall.

He enters her into a kumite, and they get the chance to fight her. Okay, USA. No, I think it's going to be a brave Tiananmen-style standoff where Hillary stands alone in front of a tank. He's just on a tank waving to people while he's slowly about to run her over.

And he's going to slowly crush her with a tank. I would like to see her get shot. Jesus Christ. By a firing squad You know in a classy way She still gets rid of the pantsuit It would be

That would be a good end Yeah it's fucking How And then Obama agrees with Trump For doing it And then he brings jobs back to the country And That's what we were saying

What if he's just great What if he was right Okay first of all He's not gonna do anything and uh well that's what we were saying what if he's just great what if he was right okay first of all he's not gonna do anything mike mike gay pizza pence is gonna be the president he's gonna he when he uh offered john casick the veep position he was like you're gonna be a judge of foreign policy and domestic policy and then he's like so what are you gonna do donald he's like i'm gonna make america great again yeah you know so like he basically he's like, so what are you going to do, Donald? He's like, I'm going to make America great again. Yeah.

So like, he basically, he's barely literate. He can't read. He has no hobbies. Are these Tums? Those are Tums. Stob just ate a Tum

like a candy. Yeah, do that. My blood sugar was low. He thought it was a candy. I knew what it was, bitch. I had a whole bag of chocolate-covered pretzels for lunch.

Man, I had the best sandwich last night, but it had jalapenos in it. And this morning, I fucking... Your asshole was just... Like everyone else in America, I woke up and I felt like this can't be real. I didn't have to have diarrhea this fucking bad from this jalapeno. What kind of sandwich was it? Some big turkey and cheese.

Get turkey out of here, man. Fuck turkey. Turkey and ham. Turkey's great. You're a fucking idiot. I like a little damn salami bitch yeah anyway they have majorities in the house and senate they're going to appeal basically any legislative accomplishment of barack obama had what very few ones he had which are basically dodd frank and obamacare those are gonna be gone the first six months yeah well obamacare is already imploding. So, I mean, it's fine.

Yeah. It's like been such a fucking disaster. And it was, hopefully, they could have used that disaster and be like, oh, this is someone else's fault and get single payer.

But that wasn't going to happen. You think Hillary wouldn't have made single payer happen? Well, she wouldn't have been able to make it happen in Congress anyway. So,

it doesn't matter. I mean, I went to go buy a fucking policy yesterday or two days ago, and they just don't offer platinum plans where I live. Like five star in your neighborhood. I wonder what demographic reasons that's for. She is too much heart disease in your neighborhood. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's funny.

Can we even do an irony an ironically racist podcast are you fucking kidding me the apprentice guy is the president yeah of course we can this is our time this is our fucking moment guys we did it this is come town's fault we were the only ones that actually predicted it yeah um although i said it and everyone laughed at me. I'm like, he could win. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause that's the thing is like, you know, think about all the time. Maybe it happens to me more than anybody else, but like somebody will message me or pull me aside and then be like, yeah, I mean, I agree with these whores,

but Jesus Christ, all the fucking time behind closed doors. It's, you know, yeah. People that are like, I mean, I agree with this ostensibly, but really?

Like, I'm a rapist for not going to see the Ghostbusters movie? Those are the people that voted the way you wanted them to. Like, what do you think? Like, some guy in the middle of fucking Pennsylvania is, like, going to just sit there and read all day long? No, well, I don't. I think not develop some kind of some kind of identity. Well, OK. I don't think it was only because of identity politics and fucking.

I don't think so either. I think a lot of people lost their job in the fucking Rust Belt in the 90s because of NAFTA. And they supported Bernie in the primaries. And they couldn't in good conscience. I feel like Bernie would have won. What about. I think he would have won. And you can't really make an argument saying that.

That's where I want to ask somebody. Guys, push a T in Beyonce, though. Shouldn't those guys have swayed white guys in Pennsylvania that are broken shit? Whatever goodwill they might have caused was completely destroyed by Lena Dunham's rap song. Yeah. It's her fault. It's her fucking fault. What a brain-dead moron.

I know. She released that rap song, and then did you see that a huffbo article where she's like you know i just like thought the idea was so funny of like this like out of touch white girl i saw that yeah it's like what the fuck you you dumb rich asshole it's fucking the only good thing it's like it really is like like if you walked into a locker room like you're in high school and you walk into a locker room and your friend is like on his knees blowing

another another guy you know and he's like hey Mike this is you dude this is you just sucking the dick as hard as you can

you're fucking gay dude this is what you do I don't wanna I don't wanna venture into misogyny or violence against women but I hope Lena Dunham dies. She has to leave the country.

I hope she leaves. I hope she goes to fucking Canada and terrorizes them. She should also be shot. Hillary on the National Mall in a pantsuit and then Lena Dunham completely naked with a burrito shoved in her pussy. I mean... Jesus Christ. Okay, so what's the What's the silver lining In all this

A lot of those people Legalize it in Boston baby Yeah yeah Oh that was the best That was the best shit On Twitter I know He's the fucking dude

Tommy Chong He's like We fucking did it man Fuck yeah man People crying Like children Be like Yeah

Honestly man It's not gonna be Because of me's not going to be that fucking bad. It'll be bad. Yes, it will be. It's crazy, though, dude. You realize half the country was saying that when Obama was elected. They thought he was the fucking idiot. Yeah, but they're idiots.

But Obama wasn't bad. Trump is a fucking crazy motherfucker. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is going to fucking die. Hold on, Ruthie, baby. She can't stay awake during a state of the union. 60% of Texas is going to fucking die. Hold on, Ruthie, baby. She can't stay awake during a State of the Union. 60% of Texas wanted to fucking secede. Huh?

What? 60% of Texas wanted to secede in 2000. Yeah, but the difference is Obama, they just believe that because they're fucking retards. Well, because he's black. Yeah, and Trump is

like a fucking crazy motherfucker. And dude, Rudy Giuliani's... Like, it's not just Trump. Everyone Trump... Like, Newt Gingrich is going to be Secretary of State or some shit. Ben Carson, Secretary of Education. Ben Carson is... Giuliani's like it's not just Trump everyone Trump like Newt Gingrich is gonna be secretary of state

Ben Carson secretary of education one of the stupid like how can you be that good at brain surgery and just a fucking moron at the same time

Baltimore dude he was Baltimore gifted hands he's not from there I was trying to remember he studied at Hopkins though right yeah he went to Hopkins

I was trying to remember the name of his book one time and I couldn't remember it. And the first thing that popped in my head was If These Hands Could Eat Pussy. The Ben Carson story? Yeah, the Ben Carson story.

Oh, fuck, dude. She sucked my dick. I don't know how it happened. Can we talk for a second about how comedy is going to probably suck for the next four years? Whatever, man. Yeah, I already, yeah, I addressed that on Facebook. Yeah, because it's like people are like, oh, well, at least there'll be a lot to joke about.

It's like, first of all, you're not fucking funny. Yes. You don't know how to joke about anything. You know, this is just going to be, it's going to be four years of you being like, guys, the president is bad. Okay? of you being like, guys, the president is bad. Okay?

You know, we got to do something about this here at Over the 8. Open mic. Oh, I'm out of time? Okay. Well, I guess back to my dog walking job where I make a difference. Yeah, I don't know, dude. We're fucked.

Who cares? But honestly, fuck the DNC. Fuck Hillary. Fuck all those old guard guard 92 James Carville, new Democrat fucking pussies. That's all they are. Go off, bitch. Hell yeah, bitch.

It's my time. Go off. All right. Dude, just fuck them all. They need to go away, and we need new people. And Tulsi Gabbard is the one I think. Who? She surfs. She surfs? She used to be in the troops oh she's hot nice i'm in and she's tulsi 2069 20 2020 2020 uh but

oh yeah and anyone that's saying michelle 2020 needs to fucking walk into the ocean well that was that was the best part of the last like or two. Have they not learned their lesson? Although it would be funny. The rise of Michelle fan fiction on Twitter, like this Aidy Doyle type. It's like Michelle right now pulling Obama aside.

Now it's my turn. I'm next or whatever. Shut up. And they have sex. What are you doing? No no there was one i saw a tweet that was like it sounded like she was about to fuck him in the ass yeah yeah yeah someone made a joke about that well it's just like those women just like i voted for harry by the way the actual yeah the actual fan fiction isn't even about michelle being at politics it's like them be

it's two people in a relationship. Yeah. It's like Michelle has someone who loves her. Yeah. Like, that's what they're actually fantasizing about. masturbating to the idea of Hillary pegging Bill. Yeah.

That's a 982-year-old man taking a fake dick in his ass, strapped to both of their pelvises with snap. Now, Bill still fucks, dude. I mean, I'm sure

he gets his dick sucked by children on that plane. On Podesta's plane. Literally, he's not even a pedophile. Yeah, dude. He's not even a pedophile. It's just your dick can only handle a child's mouth. What if Trump catches the case for fucking that kid? Dude, isn't it sad, though?

I don't think so. You don't think so? Have you paid attention to that? Well, I think it's statute of limitations, right? No, it's just like a bullshit thing. It's not true. But hold on. From what I've read, because that's the thing.

It would be a much bigger story. Look how big pussy grabbing was. Yeah, of course. If Donald Trump had actually, if there was any credence to that story, that would be a huge fucking story. No one had a tape of him saying the N-word? Nowhere? I haven't.

But I haven't. Why didn't you release it, you piece of shit? It was a private it was a private voicemail friend client privilege do you guys think best friend best friend privilege

do you guys think in like a back room of the Javits Center there's just like 12 7 year olds that didn't get fucked because they're like

the celebratory kids everyone was gonna suck off oh my god well I can't we can't fuck these kids it's like it's a shame they're gonna. Well, I can't. We can't fuck these kids. It's like, oh, it's a shame. They're going to go to waste. I can't even get hard right now.

Let's just stop trying, Michael. Just stop trying, Michael. Here's the lesson for us. I can't even fit it in him. I think, Troy. I wish there was a secret code for this. John, get the list. Get the email I sent from my other secret account,

jpidesta at yahoo.geocities.virus. What's the code for when your dick is so limp from blowing the election? Risotto. You can't put it in a two-year-old. My safe word is risotto fuck him fuck all of them

they need to fucking go away and never come back ever again feel the damn ass burn yeah he would have fucking won

in hindsight it's like Hillary was like the worst fuck everyone hated her she sucked we knew they hated her before when the primary was going on yeah there was no

way she was gonna impress everyone she's like i got the next four months to teach everyone how cool i am yeah they're like they've hated me for 30 years i'm just chilling in cedar rapids that should have been a fucking immediate it should have been more that should that's the biggest that's a howard dean yelp that's the biggest red flag is that's a Howard Dean Yelp. That's the biggest red flag. I'm just chilling in Cedar Rapids. She's never going to pull it off. It's never going to fucking happen. And really, what it comes down to, and these fucking idiots can't even figure it out, is it's so simple. It's a fucking popularity contest.

Bill Clinton was cool. George Bush convinced people he was cool. Obama convinced people he was cool. He's cool. He's pretty stupid. And he's a war criminal. Donald Trump is cool. Donald Trump is cool. Donald Trump is cool.

Donald Trump is cool. Donald Trump is funny as shit. Oh, you know, he has small hands and a shitty body. He has fucked so many more hot women than you. Remember the story? Who's that journalist he fucking called on the phone because they criticized him and he's like, I get more pussy than you do.

The guy criticized him. And then he sent him a letter he wrote in a gold marker. Oh, fuck. He the guy criticized him. And like fucking and then he sent him a letter he wrote in a gold marker. Oh fuck. He's cool dude. Yeah but this sucks. They need to find

one cool Democrat in the next four years. I don't know if it's even possible. Tulsi. Yeah Tulsi. Our girl. Martin O'Malley.

Get O'Malley back in. Well he's O'Malley fucks. Yeah but O'Malley's not O'Malley's too like No he's retarded yeah he's he's straight up retarded he's like uh uh no he sucks yeah he was the he's like almost like

socially impotent where he could be cool but he's just so fucking boring on paper he's cool he's like he's like the asshole the sga kid who's like oh i'm the fuck it i'm cool like everyone else he's cool in the way that like there's it'd be like you like meet somebody and they seem like they're objectively cooler than you but they're like wow like they're

impressed by you and you lose respect for them right right right because they shouldn't be right right right yeah yeah he does

yeah I don't know who we got I don't know I think it's like the most important thing right now is just to reiterate over and over and over again

that Bernie would have won whether it's true or not it's true it first of all it is true but even if it's not true they're going to immediately i mean they're already they're already done at first it was all gary johnson and fucking you know claiming claiming uh uh voter suppression like black voter suppression even though she had like what 15 turnout in florida oh it was atrocious oh oh and also gary johnson gave her four states yesterday right right yeah yeah she would have gotten her ass kicked even worse in colorado nevada so embarrassing minnesota and there's no there were people literally adding his votes to her votes as if it makes no sense who voted for me have you met any libertarians? They're not Democrats.

So, yeah, well, it's not Jill Stein's fault either. No. And it's not fucking cracker-ass, mayo-ass white boys. She was an awful candidate. And we've been saying it. Hillary fucking sucked.

And yeah, no, here's the thing. If, you know, even if you could make an argument as to why Bernie wouldn't have won, you have evidence now that Hillary wouldn't. That's objective fact. She fucking loses to Donald Trump in the matchup. And I love that the argument was electability. Yeah, of course.

That was the argument. Of course. No, Hillary's more electable. That's why. So, and then here's the question. If you meet somebody that says that they would, you know, that, oh, no, Bernie is inelectable, knowing now what you know, that Hillary Clinton can't beat Donald Trump, would you go back if you had the opportunity to and vote for Bernie Sanders in the primary?

No, because it's violence against women. Yeah, right. Because you get so wrapped up in your bullshit fucking identity politics and white men are bad no matter what that even when you have a more progressive one, we still have to vote for the woman. Even though she's a shittier candidate and she's going to lose, you would blow the election just to vote for a woman.

Because it's important to you to have your selfie in the voting booth and talk about it. The first time I saw Little Mermaid, I knew. It was the worst shit too. When it's like fucking all these, I just can't wait till I can tell my daughter that she could be president

one day it's like you just don't now well she can't you're a father and you're at home and your daughter's like daddy can I be president

one day and you're like no Sarah I told you until yes Bay Queen Hillary is in office you shut the fuck up

you have zero aspirations it's a man's world it was funny with the instagram algorithm being fucked up where it doesn't just show you like chronologically what happens it's not a timeline like that yes last night you were and this morning you were just seeing like all that happy yeah happy like can't wait till our first woman president. I was just like, oh, my God. My mother queefed me out of her cunt 21 years ago. And now. The queef cunt combo.

Yeah. She queefed me out of her cunt. And now we are wearing pantsuits together for Hill Queen. But, you know, I mean, no matter what, it's going to get worse in terms of, like, the cultural shit that bothers me that, you know, Trump did run on that fucking did help him. But it's just going to get worse in terms of the cultural shit that bothers me that Trump did run on that fucking did help him. But it's just going to get worse. Racism? Not racism. Dog whistle racism?

Call it dog whistle racism if you want. But push back against. I mean, you can't even use political correctness or even the term SJW anymore because then you're immediately lumped in with alt-right guys or Nazis. 100%. term like sjw anymore because then you're immediately lumped in with like alt-right guys or nazis but there's something to be fucking said about the people that have actively tried to destroy comedy over the last six years yeah seven years and they did they have comedy has gotten objectively shitty yeah no comedy is just good points now yeah the daily show fucking sucks. It is an awful fucking show. It's so fucking bad and it pales in comparison to what

even the other spinoff shows are. Colbert is a better show. Samantha Bee is a better show. The old Colbert show was the best one out of all of them. It was the only time America has ever done satire really that well. We're not that good at it.

I am. They're much better in England. I fucking am, dude. Nicole Mullen. I'm great at it. Nicole Mullen. Even this right now, you can't tell whether I'm being serious or not. You have no fucking idea. Whatever you're disagreeing with is satire, and whatever you agree with is us being real. You fucking retard. Does that mean that?

Who knows? This is satire? Who knows? I think it's important that we go back to and address the post from that woman who wanted her Down syndrome signed. Oh, yes. Thank God. You know, when God closes a window, i.e. Tom Myers being able to eat Hillary's pussy and live his dream, he opens a beautiful door. and live his dream.

He opens a door a beautiful door creating a boy with Down Syndrome who really wants to tell Hillary and Obama that they're fired. Also,

I guarantee you I fucking guarantee you that Donald Trump got 100% of the Down Syndrome vote. BB No, BB was 100%

BB went hard for Trump. He's not Down Syndrome but yeah, BB went hard for Trump. He's got neuro syndrome, but yeah, BB went hard for Trump. He's got neurofibromatosis. Yeah, yeah, that's what he has. Yeah, which means his body just produces stones under his skin.

Really? Yeah. No, it's fucked up. Jesus Christ. He's like, well, everybody, I'm making another video. Reminder that I live in constant pain. Happy birthday to Sarah. Jesus.

I saw a bus earlier. Well, off to the doctor to get part of my brain removed. He loves the bus. God damn, that sucks. Anyway, let's read the post again. I'm having trouble finding it. What were you saying, though? You were saying that the Trump speech

at the Trump's headquarters. Did you watch that? You told me last night. I didn't tell watch that when he's making you told me last night hold on there was a guy i didn't tell you when he's making his acceptance speech the nazi thing no not the nazi thing that was at some party oh well he was at which we have to talk about in a second oh yeah for a fucking piece of fucking shit i'll kick your ass you know what it's you know what's so funny about him is i kind of wanted him on. I didn't understand why everyone was mad about that price increase. I mean, I understand what he did was shitty, but it just seemed like an inordinate amount of attention on a guy that does a thing that happens literally all the fucking time.

Yeah, he was like a whipping boy for an entire industry. Right, and it's like, but why him? What did he do? His face. It's not his face. It's that he pissed off everyone in fucking biotech prior to that because he was a finance guy that made his money by shitting all over biotech startups because he taught himself a bit about chemistry or whatever, biology.

And so a company would be like, we have this new, you know, he did it with a weight loss company. We had like a weight loss pill in clinical trials. So he looked at the science and he's like, oh, yeah, this isn't going to fuck him up. So he shorted it. So he publicly trashed the company, shorted it, and then also like made complaints to the FDA.

So the, the trials took longer and failed or whatever. Well, he's smart. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no,

he's definitely not a fucking idiot. He's like a very smart guy. What, but you know, so I, you know, if we had him on, I wouldn't even grill him about that shit.

Cause like, I don't fucking care. You know what I mean? Well, there is another, even if he raises the the price people get that through insurance anyways that's the point the point is that he's not really hitting the aids patients he's hitting the insurance companies and that's why there was a big wave of it's also it's also yeah sentiment he's also a fucking piece of shit too and he's also a kid that got his ass kicked and called

a faggot his whole life and he turned into a complete asshole yeah yeah um he's a south brooklyn what is he armenian or something no he's albanian because i make fun of elvis about it all the time uh yeah you know i was just gonna have him on and then ask him non-secret questions i thought it'd be funny i wanted to ask i really just wanted to exploit him for for the audience you know like i don't even know who the fuck he is yeah yeah but uh but yeah immediately he was being a dick about it yeah um yeah but martin if you're listening you're still welcome to come on we'd love to have you as a guest but no he was at some party last night and then some girl was like posting like i ran into cutie pie martin scrawley i forget who it was that posted it and then she hashtagged Rahoa

which is it stands for racial holy war which is like a white supremacist thing yeah Jesus Christ yeah

I was just hoping that at his acceptance speech Donald Trump would come out and there'd be like balloons and then Sam Hyde

in the Ted Talk costumes and weaves there and Pepe on like the unicycle and they got him fucking yeah Milo's there

they're just hanging yeah Milo's just getting fucked in the ass Milo's getting fucked in the ass by a black guy by Gavin no by a black guy

and he's just shouting the n-word yeah and he's shouting the n-word with each thrust every thrust the black guy's got the black guy's like got like a eyes black eyes got the black eyes like

got like a diglet head like the three diglets like that meme so it's three black eyes and they're all kissing yeah yeah they're all kissing while they fuck Milo

in the ass alright he's savages he's just savaging my ass all his 4chan is just right behind him on the stage he's like

we did it we said it was gonna be done we did it. We said it was going to be done. We did it. End of story. But what were you saying, though, at the speech? Oh, yeah, he's giving the acceptance speech, and some guy's just like, kill Obama! Yeah, just yells, kill Obama.

The president, the sitting president of the United States. Jesus Christ. We're fucked, man. I hope Seth kills fucking Trump. You think so? No, Seth absolutely won't kill Trump. What's going to happen is... He's not brave enough.

What's going to happen is Trump's going to make it illegal to criticize Donald Trump and then Seth's immediately going to say, I was the first one to love Donald Trump. I love Donald Trump. I support everything that he does. And if he wants a list of friends that I have that have criticized him, I will happily fax that over to him immediately.

You know, at cost, of course. I'm not paying for the key code fee. Seth is the kind of guy, Dickfield, by the way, not anybody else. The fictional character Dickfield is the kind of guy that would immediately sell every single person he knew. His own fucking mother. He's like the Jews that were like the guards in the camps for the Nazis, the kapos.

Yeah. Is there any way that I could be the dessert taster? Did all the kapos get got? Or did they survive? They saved their own asses. Really? By like, they were in charge of

making sure everyone was working. Well, at the end, there's actually a movie about them called Schindler's Cock. Yeah, they were just the biggest tattletale piece of shit. They were probably, you know,

their descendants were probably part you know, their descendants were probably part of the 18% of Jews that voted for Donald Trump. Oh, yeah, dude. This shit is buck-ass wild. I love the,

like the, what was it, 36% of Latino men voted for Trump? That's awesome. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the 36. Los 36.

Los 36. Mi chico es de 36 del Trumpo. Puta, uno, dos, tres. Isn't it white women's fault

though, for real? Like, didn't they vote? Yeah, it's white women's fault. It's like white people. It's white people. I'm glad it's white women's fault. It's fucking Hillary's fault. You know what I mean.

It's Hillary's fault. She was a shitty, awful candidate. Yeah, but it's crazy that she's white women's fault. Dude, it's fucking Hillary's fault. You know what I mean. It's Hillary Clinton's fault. She was a shitty, awful candidate. Yeah, but it's crazy that she lost white women. It's literally her fucking selfishness is the reason that she... Because she was entitled. She thought she deserved it. She didn't fucking...

Yeah, like, anything that happens is her fault. Well, no. On a personal level. Not her as a politician. Hillary Clinton as a politician. Hillary Clinton is a fucking person that was like, it's my turn.

It's some fucking old piece of shit rich woman that decided. She literally lost to a guy whose name was Hussein. Yeah.

A black guy who's been in the Senate a year and a half. Yeah. Was it two and a half years? I think it was two years. Was it four years? It wasn't a full term. I don't think it was uh he won in 2004 yeah so it was four years okay yeah at that point

okay uh he beat alan keys hell yeah yeah remember that dude the other black guy the other black republican dude um he was pretty funny yeah there was alan keyses, then Herman, and now... Herman Cain. This really is like if Herman Cain won. No, well, yeah, Herman Cain also did sexually assault women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what were we talking about before that? No, no, Hillary... I don't know. She's a fucking bitch, dude.

Fuck that bitch. Yeah, I mean, it just... I don't know. I'm so mad. Ran a terrible campaign. Well, no, yeah, that was the thing, I mean, it just... I'm so mad. Ran a terrible campaign. Well, no, yeah, that was the thing, is that she... Okay, she had her convention,

and then she disappeared, showed up on 9-11, passed out, showed up for three debates, and expected him to shoot himself in the dick. That was her strategy. It was just like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, exactly.

The thing I was thinking about earlier was like, what was like one policy plan that she put out? Like Trump kept talking about the wall. Like at least he had some shit. He was talking about trade agreements. There was some shit. What was she? Raising minimum wage to $7.26. That was a big one.

She was like pushing free public education and she she basically took all the Bernie shit but everyone didn't believe her right you know

everyone was like oh yeah that was the most like I didn't like that is when I had to keep hearing over and over again like well

Bernie's job is to you know bring Hillary to the left and it's like that'll be erased in fucking two months of course and no one's gonna buy it

she's not a she's not a good actor she can't sell that shit she's not like fucking slick willie i was saying i just here's my personal hope is that for the rest of her fucking life all of her shit continues to be hacked and put on wikileaks her as a private citizen all of her shit or fucking her like calling customer service departments that's recorded and put online although looking up directions her medical records everything continues to be fucking hacked but when the fbi investigates it for some reason no matter what they just invest just call me after he leaves the fbi i'm running a personal investigation he moves to massachusetts like lives in a cabin only wears sweaters

and only investigates Hillary. He's got, like, a big board, like, with fucking pins in it and shit. This shit's crazy, dude. Like, I feel like... Shouldn't the Illuminati have stepped in? No. And that's, like, what's crazy is...

Oh, no, it's great, dude. They're repealing Dodd-Frank. The Dow's up, dude. Yeah. Goldman Sachs is going in. People are, like, oh, the fucking the stock markets are gonna tank just wait no no it will tank once there's another bubble burst because

of like wide deregulation yeah it's not gonna it's not gonna take right now speculators and investors are worried that donald trump's gonna change anything no no so it's fine no he's gonna make it better for them yeah he's gonna repe going to repeal, like, the only, like, which the limp dick. Don Frank doesn't even, yeah, it's bullshit. The limp dick financial regulation that Obama was able to squeeze through after George Bush literally destroyed the economy. Dude, that was so funny is how Obama came in and literally had so much political capital and couldn't do anything.

Yeah. He passed a bullshit health care plan he passed a bullshit stimulus package that only really didn't affect uh didn't affect labor but it only affected capital and you know and he saved he saved uh the auto industry by literally taking apart uaw which is like one of the oldest unions in like america like modern american history but they're racist so fuck them what are you talking about dude they're auto workers they're racist and any fuck these crack-ass white boys any one of them for being any kind of racist no matter what i'll disagree with their politics and i'll vote against them also i will say this this is a referendum

on how shitty of a president barack obama was like literally if people felt like their lives are better than they were eight years ago they weren't no no he wasn't no he didn't do what he didn't do shit he's just cool the aca is just cool you're right but like who but are people's lives worse right now yes yes because yeah after o8 got worse fucking uh domestic spying programs got worse. Yes. We're bombing seven different countries right now. Things got worse under Obama.

Yes. But you know what? He is cool enough that even when I watch him speak, I'm like, ah, he's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the difference. Is that like... He's a celebrity. People are like, oh, Hillary would just be... We replaced the celebrity with the celebrity.

Yeah, Hillary would just be four more years or eight more years of Obama. And it's like the only thing I liked about him was his personality. Was him. Yeah, Hillary would just be four more years or eight more years of Obama and it's like the only thing I liked about him was his personality. Was him, yeah, yeah. And, you know, like, oh, well, you just don't like

her personality because you're sexist. Well, fuck it, maybe. I mean, that's not true but maybe it is. I don't want to fuck, I shouldn't have to fucking, you know,

if it was a matter of hanging out with them, I shouldn't have to hang out with somebody I don't like. I don't have to listen to... But it's not... Yeah. I mean, it's not...

The sexism argument, sure, that's definitely a part of it, but it's also like... People do hate women. That's for sure. But she's also... She's not cool in any way. She sucks dick. She's like a fucking boring person to listen to. Yeah, yeah.

She's not trustworthy, which is evidenced by, you know, fact, and also just fucking looking at her. She's not a fucking entertaining person or a trustworthy person to... She's not a people person. Right, yeah. And she's not a... Like, she doesn't... She's not...

Like, she doesn't connect with people. And the people who she does connect with are not... She's going to be put on the mall and shot, and I'm going to be there, dude. I'm getting one of those tickets. I'm opening for the murder. It's going to be put on the wall and shot. And I'm going to be there, dude. I'm getting one of those tickets. I'm opening for the murder. You and all those Chinese. I'm doing 20 minutes before the murder. Only on Star Wars.

I'm going to get the light at 15 minutes. I'm walking off at 17. And I'm counting at 20. I'm not even going to do my full time because that's the kind of comic I am. I do what I'm contractually obligated to do. You respect the light. I fill the time. That's all I have to do, folks.

I don't have to fucking make you laugh. That's not my job. Doesn't Obama have high-ass approval ratings and shit? Don't people like him? Because he's cool. Just because he's cool. You're right. Yeah.

Yeah. But they don't like their lives. I don't know, man. And yo, honestly, like, what's going to happen to Medicaid? He's tried. I'm sorry to know. They'll probably get rid of the mandate that employers have to pay for reproductive. All the pussy medicines.

All the girls. Damn. All the cool girls are getting what they call IUDs right now. I don't know if And you know what? The Medicaid expansions Damn straight. The Medicaid expansions

those go to that's just extra money that goes to the state. To the state. So if you live in New York you'll probably be okay. Also there's money that comes from the state.

But like I said I just went to go see if I could get a fucking plan and I can't. So the insurance like the healthcare provider industry is already so fucked up because of the ACA's implementation

because it fucked up in all these ways that economists said it would and caused problems so even if they repeal it now it's not like it bounces back to the way it was maybe you couldn't get healthcare because you're a bitch though yeah that's what it was

I forgot to uncheck the boxes yeah you should uncheck that male female bitch yeah yeah I checked big dick ass having an ass motherfucker Yeah, that's what it was. I forgot to uncheck the boxes. Yeah, you should uncheck that. Male, female, bitch. Yeah, yeah. I check big dick ass, having an ass motherfucker. Yeah, well, they can't. You can't check.

Legally, they can't check. We've detected how enormously fat your fingers were by the weight of the keys pressing down. So, unfortunately, we're not going to be able to offer you any health care plan. But if you like,

we have one of those old bathing suits from the 1800s. Yeah. And a giant lolly in a sailor's cap that you can wear for funny pictures. Yeah.

That sounds pretty good, actually. That's a pretty good compromise. And some kettlebells. We have a little photo shoot we can do. I would fucking love that, dude. I would take that shit.

Oh, Savio, you look so cute. Thank you. We have a diaper and a sash that says. Oh, stop. You look so cute. We have a diaper and a sash that says New Year 1938. Oh, fuck, dude. What's Comey up to? He's got to be.

I like that he's basically turned into Gil in the last month and a half. Do you think the FBI just doesn't fuck with Clinton at all? Well, yeah, but the spooks fuck with Clinton. So the CIA fucks with Clinton and the FBI fucks with Trump. So there was sort of an internal war going on. There's not consistency throughout the FBI in terms of who they support or whatever. Right, right, right. I mean, I really don't think that Comey had any kind of particular partisan motivations there.

He's just a fucking idiot. I think his first misstep during the last 10 months was when they were investigating the email server and Clinton was repeatedly saying, it's not an investigation, this is not a criminal investigation, it's a security inquiry. And then Comey said, yeah, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. We don't do security inquiries, which I don't understand why he said that. I mean, obviously, you know, well, it does seem like he was fucking his shit up a little bit. It was probably annoying. It was definitely fucking his shit up. What do you mean? Yeah, I think the reason he said it is because it was political. He's just kind of jabbing a little bit. Like he

can look incompetent while actually also fucking. I think his motivation was to protect the integrity of the FBI, whatever that means in his own fucking head, when initially, you know, he made that statement because he doesn't want to look like the FBI is just some partisan bulldog.

But, you know, by saying that, that's what he does. He creates that perception that he is meddling. And so when he started meddling and then they had that long investigation, and then that press conference, which is a stupid way to do it, but he already stuck his foot in his mouth three months prior. I mean, the conceit of his statements at that press conference were that Hillary Clinton fucked up

and she did break the law, but if an employee had broken the law, they would just be fired. Since she's not in office right now, the result should be that she loses the election. And he more or less said that. Right, right, right. By reiterating over and over again

that if a government employee had done this, he would have lost his job. This last shit, though, they had no new info. He's going to be in charge of the new Trump, KGB, Stasi, or whatever, the state police. Congratulations, James Comey. What do you think, a Trey Gowdy Attorney General? Is that going to happen? Jesus fucking Christ. They said Rudy. That would be terrifying. They said Rudy G. Jesus fucking Christ. There are going. That would be terrifying. They said Rudy G. Jesus fucking Christ.

There are going to be some psychos in charge of... Shkreli is probably going to get a Securities Exchange Commission. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck you. Cutie Martin Shkreli. Yo, Omarosa is going to work for the White House. Omarosa. They're going to kill Michelle Obama and replace her with Omarosa. Oh, yeah.

And Chris Christie won. As a person. By the way, Chris Christie won. the way Chris Christie won it worked out Yeah he's gonna keep His life isn't over it should have been over Well who knows Whatever Trump will have the fucking Judges killed

He'll get the US attorneys He's gonna put fucking concrete Shoes on the US attorneys Is that it proves that people don't get killed No Anthony Weiner should have been killed Right concrete shoes on the U.S. is that it proves that people don't get killed. No. Well, we'll see. If somebody was going to... Anthony Weiner should have been killed, right?

If Hillary kills people, she would have killed Anthony Weiner six months ago. He fucked up the whole world. Anthony Weiner ruined the world. If they're going to kill Trump, if they're going to kill him, they would use, obviously, a patsy or whatever. Right, yeah, yeah.

But Trump is also the kind of guy that just gets murdered by psychos. Right, right, yeah. That's the exact personality. Like the guy that climbed the tower. Like the kid who climbed Trump Tower. Who was just a fan. A retarded boy in Gilbert Grape. But he was a big fan.

He did it as a fan, right? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. He loved Trump. And he's like, I have to have a meeting with you immediately at Trump Tower. That's why I'm going to be climbing the tower. So I will see you there at Trump Tower.

You saw the video, right? Yeah, and Trump was like- And he couldn't make eye contact with the camera. But I mean, like Huey Long, John Lennon, Reagan, Kennedy, they're the kinds of people that get murdered by crazy people. Well, if anyone's listening to the podcast, that might be a little crazy. Jodie Foster will be so impressed. Dude, but the thing is, Mike Pence will then be president. Oh, no.

Mike Pence is going to be president. He's already president. That's how you know that there's going to be murder, like there's secret murders. If somebody assassinates Mike Pence instead of Trump. Yeah. Ooh. Here's the thing is like Mike Pence is scarier because he is. He believes all the crazy shit.

He's not incompetent. He's a competent psycho. Yeah. And Donald Trump's an incompetent psycho. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing is, it's going to be a mainstream Bush style Republican administration. It's going to be Heritage Foundation and fucking. Yeah. All these never Trump motherfuckers are now like,

hey, you know what? We believed in him all along. Well, they're going to team up with the fucking these Democrats that have no idea what to do. Yeah. Fucking Ben Shapiro, dude. They'll all be absorbed into, you know, a new shitty centrist party. Damn, dude. This shit sucks. Dude.

Also, shout-out to all the cum boys we met last night. Everyone's really cool and nice. There's not enough jokes on this episode, I guess. So I guess we should probably talk about all these new Apple laptops. Haven't we talked about this for three episodes in a row? What I want to know is how do you get some pornography in the touch screen bar? Yeah, I got enough titties on the screen here. I'm saying you put the titty on the screen, maybe you put the pussy down on the touch bar.

The clit area. It's training. I think it would be very funny to the visual of someone on the subway watching hardcore pornography on an apple watch like just with his wrist like across his eyes just making noises everyone on the train just like it wouldn't be awesome to check your watches just so we're getting fucked in the end well just an up-close shot i see what time it is she sucked my dick i don't know how it happened uh whoa that's good guys what else do we have timing on that um none of this is choreographed none of it's planned absolutely that's the point of the trump election that's why it's a win for come town because the nerd that went to yale law

and was secretary of state and was Senator from New York and had all the experience in the world fucking lost and the guy that didn't even study for the test work. Hillary versus Trump

boils down to improv versus stand-up. Donald Trump is stand-up comedy. Hillary Clinton is improv. Oh, wow. I think most of what he was doing was improv. I think I'm serious about that.

I know what you're saying. Donald Trump is a guy that just can riff. He might not seem fleshed out, but he's funny and people are laughing at him. Everybody's, you know, they got two drink minimum. They're drunk. They love him. Hillary Clinton is like, oh, you know, it's improv or whatever. But you have a fucking system.

There's a specific way you apply. You're not naturally funny. And your parents. You're also covering up a shit ton of rapes while pretending like you're you are there you go that's where's donald trump just gets drunk and grabs uh some waitress's pussy that's not stand-up comedy baby nick nick that was like when steph curry when steph curry just pulls up from 40 nick that was a thing of beauty. I can't even laugh. That was so good.

That's really fucking... Yeah. Well, it's the truth. That's what it is. He was covering up hella rapes. Nah, dude. Hillary is UCB. An unelectable cunt brigade.

Unelectable cunt... Fuck, man. Are we gonna get arrested for talking shit about Trump? Should we enlist? No, dude. First of all, everyone arrested for talking shit about Trump? Should we enlist? No, dude. First of all, everyone who listens to this can read through the lines and they know I'm actually a Nazi and I support Donald Trump.

Yeah, me too. I play a Jewish character on this show. Some people caught on to that. A lot of people don't know that I'm just doing Adam. I'm able to do both voices at once. Yeah, that's true. I can actually sing at two different octaves. I do

stop, too. This is a one-man operation. In real life, I'm from Greenwich, Connecticut. And father bought me all this podcasting equipment. And we were summering in Kennebunkport, Maine, and I decided I'm going to start a podcast. You think he's just going to give his sons

jobs? Of course. No, no, no. They're decided i'm gonna start a podcast he's just gonna give his sons jobs of course no no they're gonna run the business and he's gonna steal from the government and like benefit the business i love how he's gonna get impeached two weeks ago as people being like michelle 2020 and the truth is gonna be like donald trump jr 2020 no ivanka yeah ivanka 2020 dude ivanka like literally abandoned the campaign two weeks ago, and now he won. His own daughter didn't think he was going to win. Dude, in the beginning of the night, people were leaking shit. I always forget. People were trying to jump off.

They're like, yeah, we think we're getting our asses hit. Everyone's polls just were wrong. Damn, dude. Well, Nate Silver sort of got it right. Nate Silver was at the end of the day. You know who else said it? Michael Moore, unfortunately. Well, Nate Silver sort of got it right. Nate Silver was, at the end of the day, and you know that's kind of a- You know who else said it? Michael Moore, unfortunately.

Michael Moore, who's now turning into a TED Talk. And here's why Michael Moore got it right, because he's actually from fucking Flint, and he knows people who are voting for Trump. It's like, you know, I'm seeing people on Facebook today, they're like, especially in the backlash to people saying that it's Bernie you know, Bernie or whatever, or, you know, people that are mad at people like me for saying that Bernie would have won. Right. She would have. Bernie would have won.

Bernie would have. Hillary didn't win. Objectively, that's true. She fucking lost. Bernie would have won. So they're saying like, oh, Bernie wouldn't have fucking won. They wouldn't elect a Jew. You think a party that ran on racism, which in their minds, I guess,

every single person who voted for Donald Trump, the only thing they liked about him is that he was racist 1% of the time he was speaking. And also, so many of those people voted for Obama. What are you talking about? In 08-12. He voted for Obama. And you can't say it's racism. The first guy who did racism.

Goldwater was Jewish. The Jewish, Jewish Jew, Barry Goldwater, dude. I don't think he was Jewish. He was Jewish. He was ethnically Jewish. He wasn't Jewish. Yeah, he was. Barry Goldwater was actually the first Jew elected in a primary.

Was he? Yeah. Yeah, you got to take him. I don't know. There have been a lot of embarrassing Jews in government. Oh, he's at the top of the list. Joseph Lieberman. He was pretty funny.

Eric Cantor. Oof, that haircut. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Ugh, die. Yeah, they would have never elected Bernie, but they elected all these other Jews that are in the campaign. I think, honestly, the best thing George Bush ever did was keep Joe Lieberman from being vice president.

My point with all that is that they're completely out of touch with the people that did vote for Donald Trump. You can sit back and say, oh, I can't believe that America actually turned out to be racist, and it's like you have no communication with these people. Something else I heard today, I don't know if this is true or not it's probably true is that local news reporting like the budgets have been slashed so much so like the only places where there really are journalists are on the coast and they are completely out of touch with what's happening in the country i think that's

what we found is that the media doesn't know what's happening that's what blows my mind is all these fucking comics i mean that are talking about like well I want to work on this pilot that's sort of about like gentrification. It's like you realize that 90% of America doesn't even know what

that means. Exactly. No fucking idea. There are some things that are kind of like LGBT because gay people

exist everywhere. Everywhere. But there's social issues that are specifically bound to the coast in urban environments that you like shut

the fuck up. That's not a thing. Yeah. Microaggressions. How are you going going to micro aggress somebody when your neighbor lives fucking you know uh four miles down the road yeah dude i mean i don't know you can shit with the door open they'd never find out yeah these it just really does come down to though but just like there was no like all these people they're fucking they're not making any money. Their jobs, like what you were saying, manufacturing jobs and shit are gone.

And there was the two candidates. One is, like, loves fucking, you know, loves trade agreements, loves all this shit, is the establishment, fucking Goldman Sachs, whatever. Her husband has been charged in AFTA. I mean, like. And, yeah, Donald Trump's message. Her last name. He's saying that it's like, oh, it's fucking immigrants and it's fucking other countries that's the problem yeah and she just doesn't even say anything about it i mean that's of course they're gonna fucking also in the larger like

macro scale the wall is significant because this is what's going to be happening more and more in the next 50 100 years is that there are going to be parts of the world that are uninhabitable, whether it's because they're underwater or because of wars and stuff. And Syria... That is the other scary shit. We're going to need to take millions of people and move them on the planet, right?

And in Western Europe, in the United States, there are all these Trump-style nativists chest-pounding, like, ooga-booga fucking, like, liberal ass... Sorry, like, conservative... Xenophobic ass or sorry uh like conservative like xenophobic xenophobic ass like like maniac groups popping up and it's going to become more and more common the fact i think the only way to really combat it personally is i think socialism i think like actually having a a viable alternative.

Or we fuck their women. Or we take the hot chicks. Yeah, no, really the only answer is colonialism. We have to go into the Middle East, kill all those people, rape all their women, make them comport to our ideological values, and then let them duke it out with the same kind of partisan politics that we've had for the last 200 years or so. You're seeing walls sprouting up not only here, but in a lot of other places. Israel, for instance.

There's a wall with the West Bank. Israel's a fascist ethnocracy, and they do fine. They got hooters there. The U.S. could be like Israel. They have a booming tech industry. They have cafes, and they commit genocide every day. So I don't understand why that's such a bad place to be.

I agree, dude. I think Ron is something. Adam just shook his head in agreement. Hey, you get up in the morning and have some hummus and then kill a baby. No, you do like, that's like German. I don't know how to do it. They sound like French people. No, that's like German. I don't know how to do it.

No, it's French. They sound like French people. No, it's like, of course, we wake up and the balance unions are trying to kill us every day. So what we do is we strap on military clothes and the hot girls with big teats

they put on the military clothes and they hot girls with a big teeth they put on the military clothes and they take a m16 and you don't understand how hot it is to do girl doggy style while she has a m16 pointed at the terrorists throwing that are throwing rocks at you they're doing terrorism with rocks, with just pebbles. I saw a little boy walk past a pebble, so I picked him up and put him in my microwave. Now he is with the hummus. We ate him and drank his blood. But it was not like Christian blood. There are plenty of very good...

Folks, we like to have a little anti-Semitic fun on this podcast. There are plenty of good people who live in Israel, in my family. Yeah, they're called Palestinians. Folks. All right. Your parents don't listen to podcasts. You can't just steal land. I called my parents today.

I called them. We spoke for the first time since they found out about... Oh, yeah. What did they say? They I thought that they would be losing their minds because honestly, my parents were right. They're like, no one's taking Trump seriously. They were going nuts. Right.

And then they could start saying, I'm Trump and it's my fault, you know, like all this stuff. And I called complete calmness. They're so really. Yeah. Because we operate like the time where we're most calm is crisis mode

whenever when you say we what do you mean I'm talking it's Jesus oh okay yeah yeah when the plot

people in my family particularly like whenever times are good we're just waiting for the next crisis yeah but whenever there's a crisis then we're like

yeah that's the thing is like culturally I feel like the Bush years were great and that is an extension of the whole like well is comedy is comedy going to be better? But I think, and I do think it has more to do with like post 9-11 America. Wait, you're a big like Limp Bizkit fan?

What do you mean culturally? Yeah, actually, yeah. If we're going to fucking be honest about it, Limp Bizkit is severely overrated. And it became this like laughing- Under or over? Underrated, sorry. Sorry, I uh underrated sorry uh sorry i bet but they fucking no people they became this like fun band to shit on because you know i guess they're no they're not dude they're bad first of all rap rock is a genre is dog shit yeah but for them to come out of that i think no

significant others great album nick was really into the most hilarious trolling you've ever done in your life. Nick was really into... I'm serious. I can pull up Apple Music right now. I've actually listened to Significant Other maybe five or six times in the last six months. You're such a fucking asshole. Yeah, dude. Nick went to OzFest 2003 and saw...

Korn, Korn. KMFDM. Power Man 5000. Fucking Afro Man was there Vertical Horizon Pennywise do you remember that band? Pennywise

maybe that was Warped Tour they were a Warped Tour band yeah I went to HFS now Rap Rock sucks literally Rage Against the Machine Cottonmouth Kings

Cottonmouth Kings sucked they were the absolute worst what about P.O.D. they were like Christian yeah yeah that shit sucks Lit it's about P.O.D.? They were like Christian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that shit sucks.

Lit. Yeah. It's lit. P.O.D. probably got paid fucking good off that one song. That was on every movie trailer about snowboarding. What was that song? I feel so alive. Like every time, like just a deuce or a flip on a scene.

No. That was like in every single movie trailer. I saw a homemade music video of that song made by some kid that had like, you know, it was scene hair before it was emo hair. Yeah, I remember. It was emo hair before it was scene hair. And he's like flipping his hair and he's wearing a leather jacket, but he had spina bifida. So it was like black and white shots like zooming in and out of him.

But he's just propped up against a tree. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he's like, you know, singing along to the... I feel so alive. Yeah, it's like You know Singing along I feel so alive Yeah and it's like You're literally not Fucking You're

Your spine is No dick Your spine is leaking Out of your bones That song meant a lot to him Yeah and then I could never find it again I wanted to

Well dude You know what song Laugh with him You know what song I wanted to go find that video To laugh with that guy You know what song From that era

I thought was legit good? What song? The fucking Spider-Man song with the lead singer. Chad Kroger? Yeah. And they say that a hero will fuck me. We were laughing about all those Superman songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. I can't stand to fly. If you just suck my dick. I'm fucking Superman, but I'm fucking crazy. I'm Superman, and you better fuck me. the first one the five for fighting one was like the 9-11 worker at ground zero theme song they were like we fucking love this song because like i'm like a superman here being in 9-11 and saving people so like yeah it really speaks to me. Sorry, I shouldn't have made fun of those heroes. Yeah, why are you making fun of first responders, dude? Of heroes, dude.

They're literally the only people we respect on this podcast, is the 9-11 first responders. But only if they were men and they were from Staten Island. Yeah, of course. You know, if you're one of these fucking, you're one of these women that came from, you know, Connecticut or whatever. Ooh, me too.

I want to help too. It's like, bitch, we got many here. We got Staten Island fellas taking care of these towers. Nothing gets me quite as hot as a fucking 9-11 second responder.

Pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You weren't there on D-Day. You take those fucking medals off. Whoa, you're hot. You're hot, Nick. You're getting hot. D-Day. You take those fucking medals off. Whoa, you're hot. You're hot, Nick. You're getting hot. Yeah, sorry. I get a little heated. I was actually... I don't want to steal valor here, but

I'm a Navy SEAL and I was one of the 9-11 first. That's a strange way to preface that statement. Wait. That 100% true statement. Wait, you were telling me that story That's a strange way to preface that statement Wait I don't want to That 100% true statement Wait

You were telling me that story About how you ran up to the top floor While the towers were smoldering You scaled it actually And then you ran back down And you realized you forgot a kid upstairs I'm telling you I was up there

And I was on floor 101 That's right where the plane hit Yeah yeah And I was going to the water fountain. I was sucking water up with my mouth and I was blowing it all over the flames and I could feel the building start to collapse. So I reach up and I put my hand

on the ceiling. On the ceiling. And I held the building up, the top part of the building. That makes sense. And for- Like engineering-wise. Until everyone got out of the building.

Yeah, yeah. And then- On floor 101 Yeah On floor 101 You saved like 5,000 people 682 million A rough estimate Is what they

That was what was printed On the medal I got From the president When I met with the president Yeah we went to Melting pot And then he let me drive My car in the driveway

Melting Let me drive his car In the driveway Afterwards And went to a melting pot and then he let me drive my car in the driveway let me drive his car in the driveway afterwards and uh this is a guy that a guy that lies about being a 911 versus bonner but he does it like a four-year-old yeah and then me and my friends we went to laser tag after but they used actual lasers so we actually killed uh like four or five kids on the other team but our team won we got free burritos afterwards. Because they use actual lasers.

It's a special laser tag place. And then we went bowling, and my dad knows the bowling guys, so we were allowed to slide down the bowling alley. And then my house actually has a slide in it that goes. We have that money room from DuckTales in my house. Yeah. Well, my dad's actually an assassin. Okay, folks, while we're winding down here.

First podcast of the Trump era. I think it was okay. Yeah. Hail Trump. Matt was concerned about that last night. Yeah, he was like, Chompo's done. We're done.

We're just gonna, if Trump is're done. We're just gonna... If Trump is the president, we're just gonna become the fucking Daily Show. Everyone's gonna be mad at us. People are already mad at you, dude. Yeah, it's their fault. It's Choppo's fault that Trump won. It's a podcast fault.

It's Kumia and Choppo's fault. Not the fault of the shitty candidate that illegally kept a child pornography server in her house. That is what she was doing. I just loved all those people that were like

the people that were doing the math. It's like, why the fuck? That is a legitimate concern is the private email or whatever. But why do you have to introduce this satanic child rape? I know. Do you you know what abramovich is saying it's like she's a performance star everyone knows she's a performance star she does weird shit it's not weird that she smeared a bunch of blood on the walls it would be weird if she was having a tupperware party right yeah that would be that would be bizarre if they were going to that might

sound like code yeah but yeah i'm having a party where we smear shit on the walls, and it's like, yeah, that's pretty much par for the course. That's performance art. That's just what it is. Yeah, it's like, you don't think it's not enough for the Secretary of State to maybe have fucking leaked some emails because she's using a certain, you know what I mean? Like, that's bad. Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many people in this country believe in ghosts and believe

in, like, the devil and believe in that kind of shit. I think that shit kind of works. That's bad. Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many people in this country believe in ghosts and believe in like the devil and believe in that kind of shit. I think that shit kind of works. That's crazy. There were a bunch of like tweets and stuff that's like, oh, hell no, I don't play with that devil shit. Oh, yeah, black people totally think ghosts are real. You know how easy it is to scare black people? I'm kidding, folks.

You were doing the voice I responded to it Well I was Fuck well Well everyone This is probably One of the last Comptowns Before we get

We just changed The name to Trumptown Yeah We're gonna have Kurt Metzger on I think Well actually

Me and Stav Are gonna do A special road show For the premium episode This month Me and him Got a little bit Of business To take care of At the hunt Metzger on. Actually, me and Stav are going to do a special road show for the premium episode this month. Me and him got a little bit of business to take care of. What, the hunt?

Oh, yeah. We got to talk about this. Yeah, we got shit we got to do. All right. We got a guy we got to see about a thing, if you know what I mean. Folks, me and Stav transport weapons down the eastern seaboard, and I'm being 100% serious about that.

So if you're excited about the upcoming revolution, you want to buy a gun. Just text us. I have a 3D printer that can print lower receivers for both AK-47s and fully automatic M16s. And pocket pussies. And pocket pussies. I tried doing that as a bit

when those came out. Yeah, obviously that's the first thing you think to make. Well, no, the bit I was doing is like, they say they got these 3D printers now that can print pocket pussies and guns. And it's like, well, if you print a gun, why the fuck would you print that?

You just get a real pussy. Yeah. Why print the pocket pussy? That's a good bit About Yeah I did that at UCB East And that

Did not go over well Didn't do so hot Alright well Thank you for listening everyone Is that How we doing on time boys We're done That's the episode

Hail Trump Hail Satan Hail Satan This is the Number one punk rock podcast The official Don and Trump podcast, the official Martin Shkreli podcast, officially sponsored by NPR, copyright, copyright, copyright, trademark, doing business incorporated LLC.

Big time international business. Big time. Maybe if Cyber Lava would go do the LLC, it's like, yeah, and I want dollar signs through the L's. Legally, it has to just be LLC. It's like, yeah, and I want dollar signs through the L's. Legally, it has to just be LLC. Nah, nah,

nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, but dollar signs though.

Dollar signs though. Ah, fuck. All right, well, good night, folks. Bye.