The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 261 – I dunno man

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

what am I like fuckin 40 years old now fuck

Well, folks, we did the Just Tires. We did about 30 seconds of the show. So it's kind of hard for us to come back. We all missed, we lost 30 seconds of the show. This fun little thing we did about Just Tires, which, it was racist. You want to try again? No, the magic score on that. Magic Johnson. That guy's name sounds kind of like he's got a great cock. That's interesting. He's got a magical penis. And it's almost like his cock, because it's magical. That's why he didn't die of AIDS. He magically lost his AIDS.

Maybe it's spelled magic with a K and he's a Satanist. Oh, he's doing black. He's doing Aleister Crowley style magic. There's black folks. They only got a couple of names. Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Michael B. Jordan, B. Jordan Jackson, B. B. King, Martin B. B. King, Martin B. B. King Jr. Martin Lawrence King. Martin Lawrence King, Lawrence of Arabia. Lawrence of Arabia. It was black.

Saudi Arabia. Saudi Meyers. Saudi Meyers. Saudi Murphy. Saudi Murphy. Saudi 5000. Andre 5000. That's right. Andre 7000. 6000. Andre 27. Iguodala.

Johnny 27. Johnny number 5. Johnny number 12. Mambo number 5. Lou Baga. Lou Baga. That's another black. Lou Bagels. Lou Bagels.

No, he's not black. He is black. He's not black. He's black. He's not black. You know who I found out was black recently? Bagel boss. Bagel boss.

Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. No, not Vin Diesel. President Warren G. Harding. Mike Diesel. He was black. No, he wasn't. Yes, and he got a lot of pussy.

Everyone knows he got pussy. Warren G. Harding is another black. Warren G. Harding. First of all, yes. Warren G. If you see the police coming. If you see the police, Warren, Warren a brother. Warren a brother.

That is black. That's black. He's a Tasmanian devil. Sylvester the cat. Six flags. Yes. Brian Six, the comedian from Philadelphia. I don't know, man.

He's black. I'm pretty sure. That's awesome. He might be white, but... I don't think he's... It doesn't matter, man. Just keep saying things for an hour. Keep free associating.

Let's go. What were you saying? Warren G. Harding's black. I know that he wrote those letters about how whining to fuck his mistress. Warren G. So it's a... So yes. So Warren G. Harding was the first black president.

Bill Clinton was the second. Right. And then Barack Obama was at the most. But Donald Trump was the first. Boo. The first one we treated like a boop. Was that a meme or something we joked about on the show? I don't know.

And then Barack Obama says, you know, like, first black president, then Donald Trump, and it says first N-word president. I've never seen that. No. Maybe it was just something in my head that I was smiling about while online at the ice cream truck. Sounds like it, man. But it's a keen observation. I'll give you that.

Look at the picture of this. This is an African-American gentleman. He's not black. That's a black man. Not at all. You know who is black? Babe Ruth. Oh, Babe Ruth.

Babe Ruth is Dominican. Everyone says that, and you know what? I believe it. Yeah. He was a K-Lo-K-Pop-P kind of guy. Babe Ruth, famous orphan. Was he? Yeah.

His parents gave him up for adoption because he was bad. He was a bad boy. And the only, there was a priest who taught him baseball and saved his life. Really? Yeah. He was originally on the Orioles. Those are the stories about the Catholic Church you don't hear. Yeah.

You talk about when they fucked the kid in the ass. He taught the bambino how to play. The great bambino. And yes, he did get fucked in the ass. You got to pay the cost to be the boss. That's exactly. As some might say. That's exactly right.

And the cost. Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss. That. On the Sundance, we were talking about great names. Yeah. Hugo Boss was one of the best names of all time.

His name was Boss. Hugo Boss. Damn, dude. I wish my name was fucking Hugo. The designer famously of the Nazi uniforms. Right. Is that true? Yeah.

I feel like that's another J Spiracy. No, it's not a J Spiracy. A what? A J Spiracy. Listen, I have never said the Nazis didn't dress slick. Mm-hmm. I've said a lot of other things about them. Bad about them.

How about a movie called Monetary Report? And it's like Minority Report, but they have precogs that can tell if somebody is going to say something anti-Semitic. Right. And they arrest people for it. It's sort of a dystopian future. What does that have to do with money? I don't know.

It factors in a certain way. Why is that the Monetary Report? Well, they have to pay them. Oh, yeah. The precogs are well paid. Yeah. Instead of a pool of water, it's the coin room from DuckTales. Listen, I'm seeing a lot of stuff that says Warren G. Harding was an American's first

black president, but I think that is whitewashing. Where'd you hear that? You know, people at the barber shop? The shop? When you were getting lined up? How about Warren P. Harding? He's like, oh, Marsha, what is he? Look at how big this book is.

Well, it's for breakfast and more cabbage. Yeah. Have you guys read Warren Peace? Yeah. Cover to cover. Yeah. I've read every book ever. I've read that.

Especially the Russians. Dostoyevsky. Tchaikovsky. Toy Storovsky. Toy Storovsky? Yeah. That's my favorite Russian author. How about that?

Have you ever read any, oh, this is going to be a really gay sentence. Go ahead. Nope. Have you ever read Chekhov? I've read. Plays. Reading plays. No, I read like his short story.

Adam's reading plays. No, you haven't. His short stories are all like the morals, but the morals are always really like, like unfulfilling. You know, Chekhov, you know, his famous quote? What's that? Fuck you. He said that to you in particular.

No, to Adam Friedland. No, that's not true. He was like, in a couple hundred years, there will be a man. Fuck you probably sounded weird. There was one guy that came up with it. He was like, getting bullied. And he's like, fuck you. And people are like, you know, and they like laugh at him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then an even bigger bully was like, actually, we are going, then we are going to say that. That is cool. That is cool. And then I remember the school was like, whoa. And then he became the number two bully after the big bully. Yeah. Co-signed fuck.

Remember when everyone, do you guys, do you guys know this wives tale? I'm really embarrassed by what I just said about Chekhov. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good that you are. That fuck. Remember when everyone, I don't know, do you guys, did people in your school say that fuck started when it was, the king was giving permission, fornicate under consent of the king? Yeah.

People, everybody's heard that one. Yeah. Well, I asked you guys, have you heard it? Yeah. So I still adhere to, you only, you only get pussy when the king tells you. When the king tell me when to bust, king tell me when to fuck my wife. Are there any kings left? There's queen.

I mean, I guess the Saudis, right? There's, yeah, they, well, they have, I don't know if they're kings. I guess they're kings. Yeah. Because they have princes. Damn dude, look at that fucking beach. Oh, no, it's us. Island style.

Oh, by the way, guys, funny moms is, we're recording this a couple days ago, but funny moms is back tonight. Tonight and next week are going to be sold out, but please continue to check. Continue to buy for the future. Come on everybody website. We are very excited about tonight and getting back on stage and reconnecting with our gorgeous audience. I'm pretty tired, honestly.

Yeah. I'm already, I'm already, I'm already tired of it. It might just be you, Adam. No, you're gonna have me get fucking slaughtered by these. It's gonna be the same thing that would happen every time where I go, we host and I think I'm going to do a spot, but then I get a boy I want out of hosting. Yeah. And now that I have to go back to Queens, I don't know if I'm ever coming back.

And then you get up. I thought we were all gung-ho. No, now it's, now it's, it's, I'm going to turn it into me going through the newspaper and telling you what the real story is. Okay. And we lock the doors and again, I light a bunch of candles and then, you know, I blow people's minds. Sure.

And we got pyrotechnics also. Uh-oh. Yeah. Might be, might be a problem. We'll see. Who could have foreseen such a tragedy at the, at the fireworks, the government needs to let us have fireworks show. Yeah.

So, um, would you buy a gun if they let us buy guns here? In New York? Probably not. If they like, if the law radically changed and I don't see a reason to have one because they're fun. Yeah. They go to like a firing range and fuck around with them, but you have to have one in your house.

You can also go buy a prostitute, but it's much funnier to own your own sex life. That's true. Nick Sexlives chained them at the foot of the recorder right now. That's an ironclad argument. That's a great point, Nick. It's much better to just have a woman chained than you're ready to do. I prefer, see, that's what we differ, dude. I prefer the, you use too much maintenance, you always have to get her pussy retightened

at the pussy doctor. Isn't it fun to have one in your house? You've got to oil your own, you've got to disassemble an oiler. Yeah, that's true. I would rather just show up, fuck the prostitute, the prostitute owner, he's in charge of tuning her up. I like going to get meeting up with the prostitute and having just nice conversations about what her vibe is, who her guys are doing kind of a WTF with me.

Yeah, you hire prostitutes to make them call you Mark. Mark Marin. You take them to a garage and you interview them. There's probably some shitty comic that's like, yeah, I started up, the theme is I interview prostitutes. There's a really bad, there's an artist guy that did a thing where he hire prostitutes and have them draw him draw him, which I think is like, and then he would probably sell their work for fucking for a lot of money.

What's his name? I forgot. Garfield. It's Jim Davis. He's so awesome. If Jim Davis was getting prostitutes, that's just Jim Davis. He's like, just fuck the prostitute and she's like sprawled out on the bed and he's smoking a cigarette and they're both laying there and he's like casually just drawing Odie on

her inner thigh. Yeah. She's like, oh, Jim, you worked my fucking box over like you wouldn't believe. She's a local. Smoky. Yeah, just in Indiana, right, just drawing John Arbrechle's face, I'm never asked she to be sharp. I got a great idea to sit still, dude.

He brands them. Yeah. That's how you know you got fucked by Jim Davis. You got G'd. You're fucking welcome. You're welcome. Horror. I'm worth $1.9 billion.

Every time someone fucks your ass, don't think about James. Yeah. They'll remember the Jimmy R buckles here. This pussy property of Jim Davis, who do you think fucked more him or the guy who drew Family Circus? He just draws. He draws Garfield like sitting facing on her inner thigh, but facing like towards her knee.

And Garfield's tail is just sort of shoved into her pussy. That would be awesome. Garfield's just smiling. Yeah. That would be awesome, or a cat's tail could be pretty good at tickling a clit, you'd think. Yeah. Yeah. Garfield's big puffy tail.

Puffy tail tickling a clit. But what if the girl's allergic to cats? That's a great question. Then her clit would get itchy. Yeah. But then scratching your clit probably feels good. Yeah. It's like beating off.

The more itchy it gets. But wouldn't scratching your clit feel like beating off? Think about that. I mean, girls rope their clits. That's what I'm saying. Do women do that? Yeah. I don't know.

Scratching their clits so they bleed? Like it works. Sure. Yeah. No, not until it bleeds at them. It's a light scratch. It probably feels good. I don't understand what it's like to have that.

Some of the nine-inch nails type of girls do that sort of stuff, these goth girls they have now. They do have goth girls now. Can you believe that? I was reading about that. It is terrifying. These goth kids that they're trying to, they want to spook people, they want to scare people. To me, you know what?

It's not scary. It's not scary. Well, Jenny Jones, we've got some goth teenagers who say that they're snowballing, where they spit, come into each other's mouths. And you might think that has nothing to do with being goth, but they're doing it. They're doing it. And they're doing it with black lipstick on. What a weird era.

The Jenny Jones talk show era. I just wish I was in the audience where I could boo a kid. That was the peak of American culture. When do you think society is going to get back to being afraid of youth culture? And will it be? They still try to do it. Will it be the Libs or fucking the other kind? Dude, go on fucking, go on fucking Twitter.

It's like guys with like their entire bodies are foopas and they're 43 years old and they like Carly Rae Jepsen like arguing. No, but those guys love, those guys like the kids are like the kids today are so much smarter than I am. Right. The kids are all right. They're all radical communists like me and not just someone that is living in the same time.

And it's my understanding as a fat titted 43 year old Lib narcissist is that children now are living in the same exact culture I was 20 years ago because I can only understand people as extensions of myself. And by the way, these kids, they think I am cool. Yes. They would like to hang out with me. Why don't you just drink out of the bottle? What the fuck are you doing?

I like the straw. No, you're doing it in the dangerous. What the fuck are you doing? Adam took out, he finished his cold brew. He has a bottle of water that he poured into the cup. I like drinking out with the straw. Some of the wackiest stuff happens on this show. Dude, you're really a fucked up guy.

You're really what we call in the biz a pedophile. No, this is nothing to do with pedophilia. In the business. In the business, dude. It's a joke. Oh, well, it's a good thing in the biz. You know, if I could have dinner, any historical figure of all time, Cheerios be, that's it. Cheerios be?

Yeah. Maybe having Cheerios for dinner. In fact, now that I think about it, what I really want is just to have a bowl of Cheerios. The bee doesn't even need to be there. The bee doesn't have to be there. Dinner with Hitler afterwards, but a bowl of Cheerios. A little bowl of Cheerios, I don't embarrass myself at dinner with Hitler by eating too much.

Eating too fast. I have to go fully stuffed. Because you know he's going to Adderall. He's barely going to eat anything. He's not going to eat anything. He's not going to eat anything. He's an Adderall vegan type bit. I'm just going to sort of pick at my Caesar salad, maybe just one or two of the croutons.

Of course. And so Hitler respects me. And he'll be like, wow, he's not fat. And I'm like, tell me more about the beer hall push, and then I burp and throw up a little bit of Cheerios all over the table. I'm like, that's from somebody else. That was here before we got here. Now in this case, are you trying to fuck Hitler?

No, I just, you know, I mean, he's Hitler. He can send people. He killed 6 million people. You want him to think that he's cool. Yeah. He killed more than that? How many people did he kill? Well, you're not that that number.

The hall cost at 11 million. We're talking about gypsies. We're talking about gay guys. Don't forget about communists. We're talking about a lot of people. All of us forget the gay guys, the pink, the pink triangle, the pink triangles. That would be a fun SNL sketch is to have a, you know, it's like the gay people that were in the hall.

Yeah. Where's gay Israel? I mean, I guess it is. Israel. And maybe Bowen Yang can play that character. That would be very funny. Yeah. He's very funny.

Really show his range. Yeah. You can play a gay character in that one. The sketch, just to get that job and get fired at me, how about the Holocaust, but they're killing gay Asian men. Let's see who should play that like get out the fat woman, the lesbian, the kid who to his dad died in 9-11, but he acts like he got raped, he acts like you could not be more molested than that by a plane going into a tower or I feel like there's somebody, anybody

want to volunteer? Is there a, I don't even want to typecast here, but perhaps there's somebody who it's in their wheelhouse or roundhouse, you might say, they're like, leave, you've been mailing us this sketch for 10 years. We don't, we don't know how you got in setting them like little like, like saw, like the jigsaw tapes that they play me. So it's a gay Chinese guy and it's funny, like, it's jigsaw, the saw movies, but it's a gay Chinese guy and, and there's like, and it's a gay Chinese guy and he's kidnapped

by saw and they put the tape and he's like, we're an outfit that just absolutely clashes in summertime or die or kill yourself and the gay guy is like, he's throwing his prep pills away and he's, uh, you know, he's, he's, he's trying to put a gun in his mouth, but he can't stop talking. He gets confused. That's why all his food has to be milkshakes and who do we have that could play that? Oh, I'm running out of tape, live or die, the choice is yours and then someone in the writer's room is like, stop playing those tapes.

Yeah. Why do you keep playing those tapes? We know who it's from. It says it every time it says Adam Friedland on the return address that's Nick writing my address. Yeah. But you know what I was just thinking at the beginning of that riff, right? Yeah.

So Jews got Israel after the Holocaust. What did the gay guys get? What did the gay guys get? They got the Castro district. What did the gypsies get? The only reason they gave them the Castro was to be mean to Cuba. No, the gypsies got the movie slimmer. Is that a good movie?

No. No. Well, that's where they did a gypsy with the car. Yeah. Whoa, what the fuck? Yeah. The guy hits the gypsy with the car and then it gets cursed. Yeah.

She goes, oh, thinner. Thinner. Thinner. Yeah. Um, what else do you know what they could get is some, uh, some create a wallet. No, no, no. A wallet first. Is what they could get.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty fucked up that they, the reparations for the Holocaust for gay guys was not a beautiful wallet from our friends at RidgeWallet.com. And this is the kind of shit that it doesn't matter if you suck cock, you eat pussy, you get your ass stuffed, you get your pussy stuffed, you get your cock, maybe put into another bigger cock, docking style, whatever you're into sexually, Ridge Wallet has an option for you.

That's right. They're like fat guys that have the fridge wallet. They do have the fridge wall, which we've covered in past episodes. You can have just a little square, a credit card size piece of cheese that you pull out and you can put it in the emergency room. I don't see how that would help. I don't see how that would help anybody carry their, uh, credit cards or money or anything. Remember that picture online of that fat bitch just eating a block of cheese, the fat, the

fat woman in the wheelchair? Yes. That was awesome. With the box of cheez-its in the back of the wheelchair, she's just eating a block of cheese. Respect to her. Respect to her. My sister.

And she was also a valuable customer of Ridge Wallet. A Greek and famous Greek woman. She's not Greek at all. She was clearly an American. Her name was Athenos. No. Uh, Athenos would be a man's name. You fucking idiot.

Athena. Fuck. What's your last name? Thanks for correcting me. What are the other Greek bitch names? Penelope. Penelope is one, sure. Persephone.

Persephone is the other one. Stop. Are you a fat lady named Persephone? She was a dumb bitch. Yeah, the male version of Persephone is Wallet to Cypheraphony. That's right. Wallet to Persephone. And you can get the Ridge Wallet.com.

That's good. In the answer to the question, how about that, I say that's awesome. That's cool. Yeah. That's really hitting all the notes we're sobbing. It's Greek. It's fat. It's Wallet.

Uh, and I gotta say, I wasn't a big Wallet guy before this. I used to just loosely carry shit in my pockets. He would keep his money under his breasts. I would not do that. My breasts are not capable of holding money. He'd keep all his stuff in his bra. I don't have a bra. I am jealous of women that do that.

That seems awesome. And my love and support to the big titted community, of course, and to the regular, any titted community. But I actually have no love for the regular titted or small titted community. Okay. Well, we know that you... You have tolerance for the small titted community. I'm...

See, I like a small titty as well. I like all breasts. That's neither here... Because you know what? I have that in common with them. Well, yeah, you had a rough go with the small titted community. That's not it. You brought it up.

I'm saying that. You said, I want to talk about... Shut up. Come on. It's seven years ago. No. Anyway, I hold no prejudice, even though there's one dumb bitch in that community. I personally, because I have something in common with them that I can't hold my money

under my tits just like them, I respect them. You also are poorly endowed. No. I'm fine. That's not what I have in common, my penis, if we're going to take it to the metaphor to breast equals penis, which I would say it doesn't. But if we're going to say that... It does.

If we're going to say that, my dick is fine. It's fine, thank you very much. And you know what, it's even better when it's got a ridge wallet nearby, because I don't know about you guys, but my dick has gotten bigger since I started putting a ridge wallet in my pocket. Do you find that, fellas? Oh, yes, definitely. My penis has gotten bigger.

My dick has gotten a little bit bigger because it's sort of like you rise to the occasion of what you're... You're only as good as your friend. Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are. What about the ridge wallet? It's like, yeah, I'm a dumb bitch and yeah, you know, I got my fucking wallet here. Some bitch named Midge. That's right.

And what I keep in here is extra condoms. Because I get fucked? Because I'm cheating on my husband, who's an elevator repairman with a different kind of elevator servicemen. Whoa, really? Yeah, my husband handles the down stuff. And I handle all of the... The other guy, I'm fucking, does up elevator moves.

Okay. Kind of lost their voice there at the end. Yeah, and I'm fucking... Gotta start sounding like a fucking... I'm fucking both of them, don't you? Start sounding like your Virgil impression. Oh, yeah. Hey.

Hey. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese, Midge. Wow. If you're for Midge Wallet, aka ridgewallet.com, another thing about me is that I'm gay. I'm gay. So anyway, that's Midge Wallet, but Ridge Wallet. You're cool.

You have that. And then it makes your penis bigger. The point I was trying to make is it's around cool stuff, so your dick gets cooler. That's right. If you have a wallet in your pocket next to your cock, your cock wants to impress the cool wallet, which is made of... Nick has a gold one for Christ's sake. I have a fucking carbon steel fiber or whatever the fuck it's called.

These are high-quality ingredients, folks. This isn't your fucking gay-ass daddy's wallet. And this isn't something that's... This is something that the great men of history have used. Ernest Hemingway had a Ridge Wallet. Ernest Hemingway had the sickest daily carry. Oh, yeah. He definitely did.

A compass, different like a stopwatch, a timepiece, a little flask with an H in monogrammed on it. Oh, Ernest Hemingway. Wow. An Apple Watch. Yeah. Mustache wax. Yeah.

A jigger. Okay. A wooden comb. A multi-tool type of situation. Signifying glass, a moleskin notebook that he would write all of his poems in or whatever he did, a suspended repair kit. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He had all that kind of shit in his wallet. A flash drive with 30 Bitcoin on it. Whoa. That he kept... In case of emergency. Yeah. He could sell that off for a bunch of whale blubber or whatever the fuck. And then a picture of Adam.

Really? Really? Yeah. A lot of people don't know that, but he carried a picture of Adam Friedland, famous serial harasser of the SNL program. I didn't harass. No, you sent those tapes. You sent them those tapes.

No, you sent the tapes and you wrote my address on them. Yeah. Live or die. Do the sketch or die. It's the movie Air Force One, but the president is gay and Chinese. Even by your standards, this is pretty lazy, is what they wrote back that time. Yeah. They usually file a police report.

You didn't even let me get to it. Maybe I... That could have gone somewhere. Yeah. Don't underestimate me. What about a guy running for mayor this day? Okay, but what's the difference? It's a guy...

This time, Will Smith is gay and he's also Chinese. Welcome to Earth. He's like, it ain't over till the fat lady sings. Welcome to Earth. So yeah, if whatever Ridge Wallet and you want to wallet, they also got other stuff. They got bags. Bags. Backpacks.

They got backpacks. I can't really speak to how... They got some good backpacks. What do you guys want to say about the big backpacks, have you used them? Well, they got a slot for my power block and then I have a cord coming out. How many times have you used it, would you say? Used it about three times a week. The power block?

The power block? I've got a bunch of those lying around. I'm more of a let the phone kind of die guy. No, I have to be at a hundred percent. But I have a stack of power blocks from a failed relationship. With a robot? With a robot. With a woman that constantly needed to charge her phone.

Yeah, that's the thing with these damn broads. These fucking whores. They're always on one percent. Charged. Yeah. Because they always be texting other motherfuckers. They always be texting others saying... That's what done it.

They always texting other... I got a funny story about that, but I'll tell you about it afterwards. Oh yeah. Me too, brother. No, no, I got a good line I got from a guy whose spot I'm not going to blow up, but they said something very funny to me. Right? Well, sorry guys, that's an exclusive friendship tidbit that you don't get, but what you want

to do though is go to ridgewall.com and use promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20 or maybe there is no promo code for Ridge Wallet. We're not sure. Maybe ridgewall.com plus COMTOWN. So whatever you do, make sure you do not buy the golden wallet because I was under the impression that was an exclusive for me. It's Nick's thing. So if you want to have the exact same wallet as Nick, you buy the golden wallet.

In fact, that would make you cool and Nick is saying that right now, but he's holding up a sign that says whoever buys the gold one is my friend. So go out and buy it and I will hang out with them and get not only that, I will riff with them and I will find what they say funny. And I'll go to central Ohio and riff. So go to fucking ridgewallet.com and figure that shit out. You fucking animals. Fuck, I really didn't get enough sleep last night, dude.

Yeah, I never get enough sleep. I sleep like three hours a night now. I need a nap before. And you know what's crazy? I turn the lights off at like, I get tired at 8 p.m. I lay down, turn the lights off, and then I just sit here and I'm like, Chinese story story. And then I do every movie, every line from every movie to infinity and good time, happy

luck show. Yeah, that buzz would be saying Chinese buzz Chinese buzz, aren't they making a light year movie, which is like what Buzz Lightyear, the action figure is based off of? Whoa, that's so true. Well, they already did that. There was an animated series. I hope he gets pussy. There was a Buzz Lightyear animated series.

Was there? Was Tim Allen. Buzz Lightyear was voiced by potty from Seinfeld. That's awesome. If I remember. Not Tim Allen. Incluently. No, Tim Allen voices the action figure.

Fucking idiot. What? He's the voice of the action figure. He's not the voice of the actual Buzz Lightyear. No. There's a real guy. Cartoon. Idiot, dude.

I'm sorry. Is this embarrassing for you to be this wrong in front of this many people? Almost as embarrassing as the check off thing from here. I don't know why I keep calling back to that. What's more embarrassing is imagining Adam before the show saying I'm going to bring up check off. No, that's not what. Yeah.

100%. No, honestly, I've never. Practicing him. To show humility. Practicing being like, oh, I can't believe I said that. I was on a. Just in the drive over. Re-rending somebody, practicing his false humility.

By the way, he's never read it either. He's never. No, I did not read it. I was on a. He read a Wikipedia page. No. Check off. I also read short stories.

I was on a three hour ride with my girlfriend and she said, do you want to listen to some check off short stories? I said, all right. And now blaming your girlfriend. Blaming your girlfriend. So the whole. You should be reading stuff like that because she's seven years old. She's not seven years old.

Also seven years shouldn't be reading that stuff. And they should be reading nicer stuff like Clifford, the big red dog for the big red cock. Yeah. How red and how big. Clifford goes to Brooklyn and then there's a little Italian guy on each page. It's like, look how fucking big this fucking dog is. You ever seen a fucking, you just turn a child, turning the page, look at the fucking size

of this fucking. Look at his fucking cock in the next one. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. He's like a four year old living in the baby. Clifford goes to bro. Does Clifford do stuff? I don't remember what he's just, I don't remember.

I mean, I remember being inundated by Clifford media as a child. Sure. He was hot. He was hot. I think Clifford was like a good guy and like helped and saved things, but he had to live outside the house. Yeah. He couldn't live in the house.

He's too damn big. Which is fucked up. I remember being more, more impressed with the color of Clifford than the size of the dog. Right. A red dog is cool. Yeah. And I would, I remember wishing so bad that I could have a red dog.

That would be awesome. Yeah. I never had that desire, but I respect that you did. Yeah. It's a dog that's a color like that, like blue or green. Imagine having a neon green dog. That would be pretty badass. You could have a neon green dog.

Neon green dog wearing Oakley is pretty sick. Just imagine that. I'm doing it. My dick's getting hard. About Oakley Carmichael. And he's like, we need a country just for people with Down syndrome. Why is Oakley Carmichael retarded? Well, that's where Oakley Sunblast is.

No, I think cool guys wear Oakley. We want to create a future for mentally retarded people of all syndromes. Oh, okay. It's called pan down, pan down, pens, whatever. I remember on the show, Dog the Bounty Hunter, they had special Oakleys that had like, like earpiece. How about Downs the Candy Hunter? Yeah.

Okay. What would that go like? He's trying to arrest Candy. Yeah. He's like, babe, we just got a report that there's a bunch of peanut M&M's down by the Ron Johnson shop. Somebody buried peanut M&M's in the sand. Let's go.

And they rush out and then he's just sitting on a public bus with a siren strapped to his head. He's like upfront. How are you doing, folks? We got this under control. We got it. No need for love. Please speed it up.

Just a bus driver. Please drive fast. If I have to show you my candy hunting license, I will. I'm a law enforcement officer. Do you have to? Do you have to have a license to bounty hunt? Yeah. Have like a fake license that I don't know if it's real.

Yeah. It's like the vaccine card. He always showed a badge that I didn't. I don't know what he was getting where that came from. How much is a bounty worth, dude? How much is a dog get guy, motherfuckers? It depends, dude. In the old West, you can get $200 for like a multiple child rate.

Yeah. I used to be a lot of money back then, bro. $200. I just watched for a few dollars more. Was that trigger for you to read the title? What? Did I feel stressful? That's what led me.

He's like, this sounds like the scariest movie of all time. I'm tired of this anti-semitic media. This is one of the most horrifying movies. No, no. I made a choice. I saw Fistful of Dollars, the original. That one you were all about. I saw another one called For a Few Dollars More, and I was like, well, that sounds like

a better deal. No. For a few dollars more. Oh, I guess in your head you were selling something. No. He gets even more money in this one. Nice. That's also, that was also triggering because it reminded you of when you were negotiating

with a gay prostitute. They're particularly stingy. Damn, I kind of want a Snickers bar. Oh, I got a little Snickers bar for you. I got a little fun size. Do you? I got a little fun size for you. Halloween.

Yeah, it's a weird. It's funny that the only two sides that have names are king and small, or it's king and fun. Fun. And then everything in between. What is that? It should be like that with penis. It is.

Basically. Huge dick a little bit. Big dick. Guys, everything else. King dick. I mean, yeah, dude. Yeah, there's really no more pathetic size of dick than slightly above average. I agree.

No. That really is worse. I agree. Just barely average is a lot better. Right. Honestly, it is. It is. Slightly above average.

Why is that? Why is it better? Psychological reasons. Yeah. That's like a guy that wants to tell you about the Volkswagen. He just bought. Yeah, but it's not like consumer reports said that it's a really good deal. Shut up.

Right. Right. Because when your dick is barely serviceable, you have no ego around it. None. So you're you're just your cock is there to serve the pussy. My dick. Whereas if your dick is barely a little bigger, then you're like a guy who's really good at like football in high school, but couldn't play in college.

Not even really just happen to be on the football team. Right. But still talk about it. They needed guys, you know. They just needed to fill out the raw as my dick is Rudy. You know what I mean? Yeah. And my dick is Charles S. Dutton in that movie.

Haven't seen it actually. He's the janitor. Rudy. The molest. Let's really let's really live in like a shack or something. I've not seen Rudy in a million years. Yeah. I think I watched it at the doctor's office when I was like a kid, but it doesn't count

as having seen it. The movie kind of sucks. Yeah. I mean, again, I don't know. I remember it getting me real hyped. For what? You never played sports? Well, just when he makes that tackle for sitting on the bench in little league, little bitch.

I wasn't sitting on the bench, bro. I worked my way into the end. You were sitting on the coaches. No. Don't erase. Don't erase. He's like, this is about teamwork. Adam, Adam, you're off the bench.

We got a special seat for you. I was a middle-end fielder, baby. Which one? Second. Not as cool as Shorestop. Shorestop is cooler. Yeah. It's got the coolest name.

How many, how many errors did you have? Listen, dude, I started my athletic career. My parents put me in baseball because they thought it was the American sport. And I was picking pansies out in the outfield. Wearing the outfit. Of course. And then I decided I didn't want to suck anymore. And I worked my way into the infield.

And then I had to retire. To go to Israel on death row. In ninth grade, no. In ninth grade, I had to retire. To go over for the IDF doing social media campaigns. He ran the IDF MySpace. No, that's not what happened, no. That's not what happened.

That isn't what happened. That's awesome, dude. What song did you set? You're learning the code. All right, I'm not going to finish. Yeah. You put an ACDC song. I said the IDF, Adam was in the guide, the L.

Yeah. He was. No, it's not true. That's what I heard. You're saying a lot of false things about me on the show. No, no, no. I don't know about any of the other episodes. This one has a lot of false stuff.

No, dude. How about the IDF? But instead of... In these rows, a bunch of gay Chinese guys. They were dying. Who's playing the tapes? Is that a new tape? I went to go see...

We went to go see the new Chris Rock song movie. Oh, how was it? That was a fun night with the whole crew. It was bad. I love that Stephen left after 10 minutes to go drink by himself at a bar. He went to go drink by himself. Respect that move. Yeah, it was quite bad.

It was pretty bad. It was terrible. It was one of the worst. Chris Rock is so bad at acting, and now he's old and maybe going crazy. He's not cool. He has to be cool. Outside of not being cool, he's just incapable of acting. I mean, I loved...

As a kid, I would watch all his movies. I would go to the theaters to watch movies. I loved... Down to Earth. Down to Earth was my favorite one, but it was so bad. Tyga Tyga Woods, y'all. What's the one where it's in DC and he's president? Head of State.

Head of State. Yeah. Bernie Mac is his vice president. Yeah. Bernie Mac's great in that movie. He's great in everything. That movie... I saw a guy getting a blow job.

Chris Rock just seemed... Yeah, and then you looked him in the eyes and you were like, am I doing a good job? Maybe it's also because he has so much presence in Bring the Pain, and he seems so powerful in his performance. All right. And bigger and blacker. And he does... when he acts, it's like he just seems incredibly uncomfortable. Yeah, he's just not...

It's tough because you think he would at least be passable, but he's just not a good actor. It's funny because everything he does in acting, it feels like he's delivering a bit. You know what I mean? That's true. That's a good point. He reads lines with like bit delivery kind of cadence, where there's already some idea that he knows he's going to get to and he's using like written language to get to the idea. Right.

Rather than it seeming like... A performance. Well, not even performance, but like... He's not in the moment. Yeah, exactly. And guys, if you want to see real acting, go to the Come Town web series. But I guess what I... That's good.

The point I was going to make was he's now kind of... he's entering like Nicholas Cage territory, where he's... And it's just barely there, yeah, where he's like sort of detached. There's a couple of scenes in that saw movie where he just like seems psychotic. Yeah. And it makes it kind of good in a weird way. But he's nothing on full cage. Yeah.

Well, Nicholas Cage has been perfecting neo-shamanism for... Yeah. Dude, Vampire's Kiss is incredible. The color from outer space, the Richard Stanley movie that he did like... Oh, recently. Yeah. Richard Stanley from Kiss. Yeah.

That's Paul Stanley. Yeah. The star guy. Axel Foley directed that. But what also could happen is you could get a Kratom or something. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

That's exciting. In fact, there's a specific way he could get it. Yeah. That I think Stav... I do. ...might naturally want to... I would love to naturally talk about some of the benefits of Kratom from our friends at Superspeciosa.

Superspeciosa, which you can purchase at... Getsuperleaf.com slash Come Town. Promo codes baked into the URL, folks. And that's nothing... That's beautiful. It's beautiful. So, yeah, Kratom is awesome. It's a great...

It's got 100% all-natural, one-ingredient Kratom leaf, baby. That's Superspeciosa's promise. Kratom can help improve your mood, deliver energy, and reduce pain. Are you kidding me? Kratom helps people feel better. I'm not kidding you, pal. Don't fuck... If you're kidding me, I'm going to be pissed off.

I'm not kidding you. Kratom is also used to relieve stress and take the fucking edge off. Wow. I love that. Every batch of Superspeciosa has a QR code to scan and view the exact lab certificates, so you know you're getting high-quality product. If you're not completely satisfied, here's another beautiful aspect. Superspeciosa will give you your money back.

Here's a couple of things I was thinking about. Kratom gives your whole body energy, but for some people, it's like coffee for your cock or your pussy. If you're tired from all the sex you've been having... Your cock or your vagina. Taking Superspeciosa could energize you to fuck like a god. Kratom is, in fact, a cousin of the coffee plant. I don't know if you know that, so it's like a little latte for your balls.

Are you an aging millennial? New aches and pains? Kratom is great for pain relief. If you hurt your back, pull a muscle from all that fucking, unwind with a glass of Kratom tea. Dude, I can't tell you how many times... That's a big, fat glass of mud. I can't tell you how many times I've been balls deep in some gash, and I've thrown my back out. Because, like I said, I have an average penis, and I have to get wild with the positions to make it really do some work.

I've figured them out. Make it do any work at all? No, no, no. It does work. The woman can even barely feel it. No, they feel it, okay? But I'm talking... The weight of his body.

The weight of my body. Sometimes the weight of my body as well. You know when some women are into that? I'm sure they are. Women's dream sex is being crushed by that boulder from Raiders of the Lost. Honestly, for some of them it is. That's what they want, is they want to be chased down an alley by a giant boulder. That boulder have a five and three quarters go right into their body easily.

No stress, no mess. A woman's dream relationship is the first level of Super Mario 64 where they climb a mountain, and then there's a bomb with a mustache that keeps crushing them, just lying on them. Eventually throwing them off of the mountain. And that's the mythology of the feminine... Ethos. Ethos. If you're only into...

So, hold on. Okay. So, yeah, after I fuck like that... That's what I like to do. I get a glass of Kratom tea. Go ahead, Adam. If you're only into jerking it, and you need a little extra push to get to Comtown, Super Speciosis Kratom will get you there.

That's right. Come easy and hard with Kratom. That's right. So, if your wrist hurts, you can take Kratom and it will help you finish to jack off. Kratom is the secret supplement that influencers don't want you to know about. Why? Why are these fucking influencers? Why are these damned?

Why are they... Keep in mind, we're not influencers. We're not influencers. Jake Paul. We encourage you to think for yourself. Exactly. So, do the research. Do the research.

Go to SuperSpeciosis.com and decide whether you want an experimental MNRA vaccine, or if you want Kratom to drink to make you feel better about the scandemic. Yep. Kratom also helps you write jokes. I imagine this is why you're so damn funny. That's true for us, yep. We all fucking snorted a bunch of Kratom before today's episode, that's for sure. So, look, I mean, there's a lot of other stuff here to talk about.

You know, Kratom comes in a tee, powder, and capsules that you can put anywhere. Anywhere, folks. Your pocket, your backpack, suitcase, they're great for on the go. You can put them in your asshole. Yeah. Everyone... Listen, and we have all got that residual COVID blues. SuperSpeciosa can pull you out of your rut.

For example, you could take it, and like we discussed earlier, you could jack off, even though you risked hers. You can use it so you can keep jacking off. Southeast Asians have been using Kratom to reduce pain and raise energy levels for centuries. They're also in great shape. Southeast Asia, Mouth Feast Asia. Mouth Feast Asia. Yeah.

They've got a Bob Evans down there, and they're doing... They put it in their mouths. They're doing a big breakfast for everybody who's trying to stop Asian hate. That's right. Stop Asian hate at eight. Nick and I stop Asian hate series. We have every episode of the Charlie Chan, those movies. All right.

Yeah. Charlie Chan? Charlie Chan. Who's that? It was a white guy that... I can't remember. Okay. What's important is that Super Specioso wants you to come again with unlimited use of their 20% off promo code, which is come town.

So go to getsuperleaf.com slash come town for 20% off your entire order. Promo code, come town for 20% off. So that's what you want to do, folks. And boy, oh boy, are we excited to keep doing Kratom, and we want you to do it, too, from Super Specioso. Damn, Stingray's got to be the laziest fucking animal that God ever made. And they took our guy from us. Yeah, it's just like a big ass frog with flaps and a horseshoe crab tail.

I don't trust them personally. They seem chill, though. They have a spike, though, and their tail is like a spike, no? Yeah. Stingray, bro. That's where Sting comes from. Oh, I also want to say, I said on last week's episode I would be doing Stobby Solves Your Problems again this Wednesday today.

However, I got tickets to see the Knicks instead. I'm going to go to game two of the NBA playoffs. So Stobby Solves Your Problems will be coming back monthly next week. Damn, I should get tickets to do something. Nah. Nah. I'll change my mind to me. Nah, fuck that.

In fact, what I will do is go to patreon.com slash come town and sign up for the premium episodes of the show. The entire archive of premium episodes. Is it starting to become clear to you that we check out about halfway through regular episodes where you might want to get your hands on the ones we do in the morning right after I've had all my cigarettes. Right. I'm going to say we record that one first and it was better.

Every episode I get the second dose of the Pfizer or is that called the Lizer. Oh, the Lizer. The Lizer or Homo Derna. Homo Derna. What would they be calling it? They always have funny names for things, but I haven't even looked at what they're calling the Derna. I don't know.

That does seem to be your wheelhouse. Lizer. Lizer's good. They probably say that. Lizer Manelli. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It makes you sing.

Yeah. Moderna what's in it. That's what you got to do with Down syndrome kind of. The Moderna. Everybody taking the Moderna vaccine. But Moderna. My name's Mo. Moderna what's in there.

Moderna what's in there. You could take that to the bank. What about the Moderna vaccine? The Moderna. Yeah. She's like copyright this and she's just pulling her pussy wide open. That's cool. Infringe on this copyright.

And her pussy's farting a nice long queef. I love the pop at the end. Moderna's pussy farting. A lot of people like how we knock celebrities down a peg on the show. It was only a matter of time before we found her in our crosses. Yeah. Sorry Moderna. Sorry Moderna.

I do like some of your songs but your pussy's farts. I heard a song the other day that I really liked. What was it? It's like her like Asian sounding song. Oh I want to be ninja. I don't think that was Moderna. Yeah it is. I want to be ninja.

I don't believe that was Moderna. I think it's called time to say goodbye or something. You know it would be great to do like an Asian version of Moderna. But he's also gay. That would be a fun sketch. That would be awesome. Never die of a choice is yours. I found a Ingway Malmsteen song with a little Asian flair.

In front of you is a pitch for a sketch. It's a new Disney movie but the princess is gay and Chinese. They're like why is this song themed? You've never killed any of us. You've never even threatened us. We're pretty sure we know who you are. We're not the cops. We're not the cops.

Please stop sending us. We're not gonna try to arrest you. Dude how about those flutes? Huh? Oh this is doing it. Dude I've just been just smashing you away. Sounds like Metallica. No it doesn't.

Shut up. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese man. I'm Chinese. Every day doing math. Eating cats. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese.

I'm being Chinese. Damn dude this is a fucking banger dude. Let's get to the fucking guitar parts. What is this? It's a Ingway Malmsteen from the album Eclipse. It's more of a romantic. This is the kind of shit they'd sell at the Discovery Channel store. It's less Asian though.

It's less Asian. It's just the pipes. It's a power ballad now. I'm still Chinese. I'm still Chinese. My dick is small. And so are my bones. Yeah dude check out Ingway Malmsteen's album Eclipse.

It's pretty romantic compared to a lot of his other stuff. It's more about fantasy battles between different realms. He also released recently a single Wolves at the Gate which is very good. Do they let them in? They don't. You know what? Who are we kidding here? Why don't we play Wolves at the Gate here?

Wolves at the door. Oh they're at the door. Don is like, why don't the Wolves try to enter this door? They're blown back. Now this is music. This is just like the Power Rangers theme. This is 2021 Ingway Malmsteen. Yeah dude.

Yeah I've just been listening to that getting jacked dude. That's pretty sweet. Getting fucking energized. Doing fucking curls. Doing very light curls and hurting my forearm. I haven't checked in on the adjustable dumbbells since the pandemic started but I feel like they haven't been restocked yet. They're probably restocked.

There was a real run on those and pull up parts. I gotta start exercising or something again. I took a long break and just switched to doing drugs. That's the yin and the yang of life though my brother. Honestly though I don't feel like I haven't been depressed in like six months. I don't know about that. I really feel like fine. It's hard to describe what feeling fine because it feels like nothing.

What do you think is better? Feeling depressed or feeling fine? Feeling fine is better. I was just checking. But it's confusing. I agree. It is confusing. I'm not like happy.

That's right. I just don't want to kill myself. Yeah. It's a nice day out. I probably want to get stuff done but I won't. But this is a lazy piece of shit. Right. Which is separate from...

Damn. Look at the fucking... Is that the Santa Monica pier? I don't know but it looks cool. That's where I'm from dude. No you're not. What did you grow up on? No.

I was born in St. John's Hospital, Santa Monica. Yeah they told you that but what you actually grew up on was a pier which is a penis. It was a long penis that extended into... Why don't you take a long walk off a short penis? Why don't you take a long suck off my short dick? Why don't you take a long suck off my short dick? Hey pal. I like that.

Yeah that's my new motto dude. Put that on business cars. Why don't you take a long suck off my short dick? Why don't you take a long suck off my short cock? Yeah that's right. It's got a nice sound to it. Nice flavor. Brand new flavor in your ear.

Well folks this episode was brought to you by Kraft macaroni and cheese. It's the cheese. You don't know what to feed your family tonight? Neither do we but this is something. Something you could feed them. You could put tuna in it and make it Nick style. How did you know about that? That's Nick's favorite style.

Yeah tuna hot sauce, a little bit of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Now you're cooking with pussy. That's right. Now you're sucking with dick. Now you're sucking with prick-a-dell. Now you're fucking with that whatever. Are Chinese people still playing ping-pong? Absolutely.

Oh yeah they've been playing throughout the pandemic. Actually that's why they let it escape from the lab. To give them extra time to practice. To give them practice time. So they'd be ready for the 2021 Olympics? Oh they are going to dominate. Japan's trying to stop it from happening. The Olympic cat.

It'll be very cool for this the pandemic to end. And then China to announce the international media that they're having. They've been able to reschedule. They're opening back up and the first big thing they're doing is the 827th annual baddie. That would make a lot of people nervous. The Pangolin soup fest. Pangolin souffle. Who's trying to get some? Is that penguin?

No it's a disgusting looking animal that they got COVID from. It's not a penguin? No it's a pangolin. Which sounds like an annoying girl in the last sale in pangolin. It's a gay Chinese version of pangolin. Yeah that's right. I'm going to eat you Batman. Who do you think should do a sketch about that?

You've got one minute to come up with the answer. Yeah a pangolin looks like a fucking artichoke fucking anteater. Yeah. I cannot believe they eat these motherfuckers dude. How about the show? The magic school bus. But Ms. Fresola's gay Chinese. What if they actually make one of those sketches?

They probably will. What if I just, what if I pitch everything but you do a gay Chinese swap? So no matter what. They have no... We're calling dibs on it. We call dibs on all of them. Oh fuck dude. God damn I got a fucking piss.

This sucks dude. I got a good night's rest the other night. And then I'm at home and watching basketball. I can't fall asleep yesterday. Do I got to start doing drugs to sleep? Yes. I think it's time for weed again. I got a good night's rest last night. Does anybody have a fucking...

Go ahead. No it's boring. Does anybody have a colon up and hook up? Because I always sleep like a baby on either colon up or muscle relaxers. I don't think it's proper sleep. You don't think? Yeah I think when you take a benzo I don't think it's proper. Like I don't think it's...

Who says that? I don't think it's the restful sleep. It always feels like it is. It always feels great. You got muscle relaxers. Like taking a Xanax before bed. Muscle relaxers and benzos. If you have muscle relaxers or benzos

hit me up. The best one is just drinking a bottle of Nyquil before bed. Oh yeah. You just sleep for two days. You feel terrible when you wake up after that. You just do like... a vampire. When you get up from that one.

It's like 7pm the next day. When I take a Xanax before bed I wake up and I'm ready and happy. Welcome to my asshole. Welcome to my penis and ass. My penis. How about Dracula? And he's like, guess what kind of Dracula I am?

That's a great question man. Yeah. Oh fuck my ass. Instead of Bram Stoker's Dracula it's Bat Eater's Dracula. I was going to say Cox Stoker's. How about Dracula gets eaten by a Chinese guy? But he's in bat mode.

Do you become a vampire then? Instead of... What's his name? Van Helsing? It's Chan... Chan Helsing? Chan... Don't... Don't do it.

No. Just leave it at the Chan. No, I'll take some. Hold on. I'm afraid I can see where you're going to land. Come on. I know you're worried about the singing part at Helsing. I know that. It's a fucking, what do you call it?

The Tony Hinschliff thing just happened. You gotta have another week or two of fucking good boys. And only targeting one guy that was a writer and now performer for SNL. Whistling Whistling

Whistling Whistling You're listening to the Whistling podcast. Whistling Whistling New whistles New types of whistles every week. Whistling

What's that song called, Saf? Whistling Wow, yes. Wow, I like you put a little bit of English on that. Next week we'll be broadcasting live from the Newcastle Delaware

Whistling Festival. A socially distanced vaccinated, masked down so the whistles work. Oh, that's true. Masks have devastated the professional whistling industry. I've been triple masked all year and unable to whistle

and it's been hell for me. What's the song called? Oh, I know that song. Adam's got a little penis. No, whistles only, sir. No, you can't sing at a whistle. Thank you for tuning into the Whistling podcast, guys. We'll be back next week and as always,

for the good version of the show, patreon.com slash come town and go to Stavi.biz. I got some shows coming up. Me and Adam will be doing a show at the Slipper Room on a Tuesday of some kind

and I'll be at Union Hall with Ian Friday at 6.22. Tomorrow a show is already sold out but me and Nick will be at the stand on Fat Tuesdays. But, you know, whatever, man. Just keep a fucking eye out. Just do some stuff.

Keep checking for those funny mom's tickets. We'll be going on sale soon. We're excited. I know this is already happening. We're excited to see everyone. We're not excited. We're excited.