The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 264 – The horns of charles

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

howdy bitch

so I look over there I look I look I look over here and there's you know walking into the bar who do I see who's that a Chinese guy no a rabbi a Jew yeah fucking different Chinese different type of Chinese guy different type of Chinese guy okay and then so far we have a rat two Chinese guys a rabbi and a Jew a couple of Jews rabbis and two Chinese guys yeah and fucking the three Jews so there's three Jews two Chinese guys and they're all this big fucking argument yes and you've walked into the bar and you see this you know what it's two Jews one of the Jews there's two Jews two Jewish rabbis okay and two

Chinese guys and the Jews are standing across from each other and the Chinese guys are next to the Jews and the Jews the Jews are saying you like $20 you want this $20 and he's pointing to the Chinese guy right and the Chinese guy next to him and the other Jews like I can't afford maybe $10 and he's trying to hangle down to buy a second Chinese guy and I'm like fellas you can't be such they're selling Chinese slaves in here right this is a bar and the look on my face when I realize that it's not two different Chinese guys it's one Chinese guy and one Jew is selling a mirror wow to another Jewish guy and there's no

Chinese guy there is a Chinese guy standing next to one he just is he friends with the Jews or he's just around he's just he's just there okay he's just there and there's a Chinese guy and his reflection appeared to me at the time another Chinese to be as complete I didn't want to be racist I assumed there were two Chinese people and the Jews were just selling me on Chinese selling a mirror to one another right not Chinese slaves interesting this is at the bar this is at the bar it's an old joke so it's an old Navy joke yeah that makes sense yeah my grandfather would tell it right when he

was in the Navy that'd be awesome yeah what do you think they would do to a couple Jews and a Chinese guy if they caught him at a bar back to back in the day back in the 1940s yeah well you've heard the term bar backing a lot of people don't know where that comes from where might that be but a bar back to what does the bar back do again they bring they're like the bus boy of the brain yes they bring the dirty glasses back to the dishwasher basically well what it used to it used to the word term used to be buck breaking uh-huh and they would get you know a younger man kidnapped from Africa right and his

job would be to shadow a bartender and get and to learn how to become more of like a Lenny Kravitz style black guy an affable sort of bartender plays guitar in the south you know because everything was slave labor the yeah all the bar tenders were slaves so they had to teach them how to listen to they all had the they all had the bar back and they had the yeah they'd learn how to become and so you're saying like some what's wrong with you mister yeah and then you can say well what is what does this have to do with what they would do to a Chinese guy to do Chinese getting Jew back in olden times and sometimes you don't have

black people so yeah you had to settle for Jews well no that was so legal in fact most of the slaves were owned by Jewish people statistically that's and that's the thing a lot of people aren't talking about a lot of people aren't talking about that and that's why thankfully we have the Chinese to do the math to show us that that was that was actually the case right because it's think about here's here's the thing that's true about statistics yes and finally we're having this conversation is in the in terms of absolute numbers yes more white people are killed by the police and black people but what's more

than the black people in 12% of the population exactly so that means that a hundred percent of the people being killed by police or black that's not exactly how that but it's sort of it's something like that it's close yeah but in terms of absolute numbers it's yes same way in the south yes more white people own slaves but statistically the Jews the Jews were paying less they were haggling down poor slave so in terms of dollar value spent on slaves in terms of non-cheap value mm-hmm in terms of real it's the Jewish people's fault slavery yeah and that has something to do with buck breaking and because can I

tell you they do we go why you've been breaking my buck here I don't break in my body boy you know I give you a dollar you're saying a dollar fifty it's like well then there's change and then I have to buy another slave to carry the change back to the bank right right you're breaking my buck here cuz I would have guessed and then you then they say you know what maybe I'll open a bar and teach them to be bartenders and that's the story of that's Cheers that's Abe Saperstein the founder of the Harlem Globetrotters I did not know that yeah that's huge my guess would have been the Navy guys would have fucked the Jew and the

Chinese guy in the ass mm-hmm that's what I would have thought I had no idea there's all this complex history there's there often is when you do you explore history is everybody's looking for a simple story right everyone's looking for Occam's razor yeah and that's the way I used to shave my balls that's not how yeah oh yeah this episode is sponsored by Occam's razor if you want the cleanest nut shave you've ever had in your life go to Occam's razor dot pussy the we're talking about slavery Chinese history history history history is a very good topic for a podcast yep and that's where that's the kind of that to

pivot we're gonna start doing is this is now we actually we found Dan Carlett and we made him suck our cocks at gunpoint and today is the history of the Harlem Globetrotters yeah my favorite image with the Harlem Globetrotters is I thought it'd be really funny to take like a video of the Harlem Globetrotters you know it's like they out at the fair is the name of that song they out at the fair they out at the fair it was it's there's actually lyrics to it interesting like a jazz song before and the lyrics are you know it's like the ice cream song are extremely racist I believe it yeah well my idea we're out at

the fair we spot a couple of fellas up to no good up to no good got a little fight and my mom got scared and said you're moving to Bel Air and then I got to Bel Air and it was filled with juice and there's a black man and my natural enemy cuz they pit me against the other reason they use they use me as a cudgel to beat over the head and they use that for the harm you know I would have to say in probably the 30s that's pretty that's actually probably considered progressive to think of to see that yeah probably what what I thought what I thought oh so my idea with the Harlem Globetrotters was actually originally a

black and Chinese it was like the whole setup it was there was a Chinese that's to the part of the play was that it wasn't because they're not from Harlem they're from Chicago a lot of people don't know that that's used to me as well that's actually true really yeah the Harm Globetrotters are from Chicago they didn't actually never played in Harlem until 20 40 years after the team started wow yeah until the 1960s but the yeah it was originally this part is also true a Chinese thing yeah and it was called the RR them are them go trotters and it was a Chinese guy and he's like I can't see I'm too Chinese I can't see our them

globe trotters and he's he's so he's looking at wondering if they're globetrotters yes too dark so it was originally it was originally a group of I guess still black guys that were just globetrotting not basketball or they are basketball players yeah whatever sure sure but the Harlem Globetrotters are them globetrotters and he's wondering and so people would buy tickets to watch this man try and figure out if they're globetrotters well yeah then they'd be like dunking on him and he'd be like looking for his glasses his feet were bound so he'd be stumbling all over the court right and be setting picks and

shoving them to the ground yep yep it's kind of like a fun little like hate crime sort of that's fun that is fun yeah but it was Chinese-owned so it was they they were making all the money yeah just like today's current NBA that's right that's right fucking chairman chairman LeBron sucking off sucking off mouths bald little nuts so my idea to go back to what I was saying about the Harlem Globetrotters is I thought it would be really funny to intersperse a five five on one five black guys on one white woman gang bang with the Harlem Globetrotters music it's like in the minute do you could very easily add

that music to pornography and I don't know why that hasn't been done it's it's I think it would be the funniest that's very well yeah right at the fair there's a couple of guys up in the good now we're in ballet we're in ballet and we're bashing some juice uncle Phil get me my shovel uncle Phil doesn't have enough of that hood stinking them to say anything to these people he's trying to keep quiet without me will from West Philadelphia I can say what I want what are they gonna do send me back to Philadelphia I don't give a fuck I'm an anti-Semite but it's more of a Philadelphia thing than the

black thing I just happened yeah to be black now it's Seinfeld all right I'm from Philadelphia and Jerry anti-Semite felt mm-hmm that's good yeah yeah something like that welcome everyone to this is Nick and Stov's day out yeah no Adam we went and got ramen got ramen we just ate an entire box Milano without Adam here to make us feel bad about our bodies because he weighs 92 pounds yeah we went off Adams in Costa Rica probably eating like some like a cracker made out of compost called like mom's mom's cracker mother cracker the mother cracker mother cracker of Gaia mm-hmm and it's made out

of dog shit and there's a one one sprig of rosemary on it and then like skin shavings off like an Indian woman's foot yeah nice and he's like it's actually really good it's actually got a lot of umami it's got a lot of fuck to me in my ass fuck to me and before we really start to get cooking I want to tell the good people of Rochester New York to buy tickets to see me at Carlson comedy this weekend Thursday Friday Saturday I'm there five shows buy some fucking tickets once once these are all sold I can announce my whole tour coming up maybe check stavey dot biz Carl Carlson New York was that like like uh-huh will yeah

well I'm a faggot will um I'm wearing like prep clothes yes exactly and it's like damn it's not unusual to get fucked inside your ass damn Carlson but a little damn Gina damn G you know what I watched yesterday big mama's house too damn should I get all of Martin on the DVD yes without question I don't know I haven't done that yeah Martin rocks dude yeah I love that the Martin logo is just now like it's now like it's that's just like the the symbol of pan-Africanism that you go on shirts it's like 400 years no reparations no and then it's in like the like you just expect to see Martin Lawrence's

face yeah I'm trying to see bruh man I remember like remember the later seasons of Martin when they had the little like Martin animation a little weird animation that was fucked that was in the weird and it was kind of like the PJs it almost looks like PJs but there was no reason for it's like well that's not on the show no yeah it was just a stylistic to say you know we've got it we've got it a budget now yeah we're going we're moving on up yeah damn dude yeah it's a pretty good lunch you guys missed out on it mm-hmm I was thinking it'd be pretty funny to go to what's that pizza at Spamoni Gardens and be like I'm full

but now I'm thinking about it and it's like I would love to just have one more slice yeah yeah I'm I'm I'm quickly approaching go I'm going super sane right now and I fear what I'm gonna do when I get home yeah you know like yeah like I've been shaken out of a slot I've been awoken out of a slumber with our lunch and our eating of these cookies well I quit smoking this week so I think I might as well be a might as well kill myself a different way yeah absolutely yeah because the thing is like I've already gotten in the best shape I could possibly get yep I've done the diets and it's you still feel like shit you still

want to kill yourself so it's like why do anything yeah you don't have to you're in a good enough shape where you could just you could live your life eating like shit one day eating good back and forth being fine I mean the key is to you get what you really want to do is like change what you want to align with like what's probably best for you rather than being a constant cycle of abstaining and then binging or whatever right but you know who am I the fucking dolly llama what I'm gonna sit fucking cross-legged and go oh yeah no what am I a couple of guys walking into a bar and one of them is actually a mirror yeah

that's not you yeah you're a regular ass guy mm-hmm there was a guy that they used to be this like a contest in Austin the funniest person in Austin there was a guy that went up and did it one time and he blanked halfway through and he started like telling some bar joke that he was clearly making up on the spot it was like clear that that's what was happening yeah and so meandering and so bad that when he finally got to the punchline which was absurd and nonsensical and didn't make any sense he got like a standing ovation what that's hilarious did he win no he lives here now and he's an extra on like every

cop show nice respect he's been doing that for like ten years I actually heard you one funniest person in Austin because you showed everyone your penis I did and everyone's like they're like that's the biggest clown no no no that's not it like that's not what happened yeah I'm thinking about what happened now actually no that's not what I'm just checking you Austin Daily Chronicle yeah and it had worlds the smallest but funniest penis oh you're doing Austin wins all you're on your way no I'm reading I just told you I'm reading the Austin which came today that you got today no awesome Daily Chronicle that

has a newspaper for a year it's from you know it's from so it's over there no it's the Austin Daily Chronicle from covering the comedy section with the comedy section the only papers they had were office space and fucking slacker those are the two no I'm looking I just I live there that's not sure you just were you were too drunk to know I know I just went to the microfiche I was one of the only guys in Austin that that actually read the news that's not true but anyway I was at the at the Austin Daily Chronicle I'm reading it and it says right here Nick Mullen crowned funniest person in Austin for one of

the most miniscule penises ever seen one woman in the audience asked is that a man's penis or is that half of him a steamed muscle well for starters you're holding the newspaper upside I'm not holding off so you had to correct it because you were holding I'm showing I was showing no that noise that's the classic I'd recognize that noise anywhere especially a Texan newspaper and you know what I was holding I actually just changed my mind I was holding upside down but I'm really good at reading upside down yeah because you do you kiss guys like spider no because you had a date in the rain and you had

there's why would I have to read even if that's true let's say I do kiss guys like spider-man how would that help me read upside down you have to read the instructions on their zipper to remove that you said kiss not suck off that's the type of and by the way if I was gay I would have and I'm not by the way I guess technically I will concede that sucking cock is a type of kissing fine in the spirit of building building some kind of what's the word I'm looking for common ground like the artist RIP Prince famously said I'm gonna tongue kiss you on your other lips that's true but a man's penis is not another set of lips

he meant a woman's pussy no and in honesty that's the kind of kissing upside down I would do by the way because I don't kiss my boyfriend upside down because I don't have one yeah but if I was gay I wouldn't need instructions mm-hmm because I would know how to suck cock intuitively yeah so checkmate pal you had did it when you did win because having a little dick in Austin yeah well then it was over for you as soon as you proved you to not read the newspaper excuse me once again Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes oh yeah you suck it's your penis dear Watson it's in my ass yeah well that's not but you're Watson I'm not

watching what you're Sherlock Holmes what's on that guy's pant what's that tiny crumb probably from his big fat launch on his oh it's his dick no that's what what's on his pants I'm not sure like or watch his tiny I'm a different guy his tiny crumb I'm not involved in that kind of shit at all that's the kind of shit you're into no you're Sherlock Holmes oh no and what's on your fucking mouth is watch on I'm sure lock your door bitch I still have a gun and I'm I can wait I can wait as long as you're that guy too you're both that guy and Sherlock home I can wait as

long as I need to to get to put a gun directly in your face brought to you by Mack Weldon dot com Mack Weldon is the premium supplier of simple fabrics for simple-minded folks who shit themselves and need special underwear the three pack of daily jersey super underwear fucking 229 something dollars dot com 29 something dollars dot com go there and type in Mack Weldon in the search bar Mack Weldon Mack Weldon you go to Lycos hotbot.com type in Mack Weldon give me the money special Jerry McGuire discount yep and to access a premium 1998 version of the website that sucks your dick for a change that's right how it's too for

too long have we been sucking these websites cocks it's too long let me go to I went to Mack Weldon dot com right now and they had look at this is cute they have a little accessibility button down on the bottom in case you're a fucking retard so seizure safe profile let's turn that on turn that on so you could so because they do a lot of flash animations with vision impaired we're gonna turn that on cognitive disability turn that on big time yeah literally literally they have a retard it's very in case you're too retarded to buy underwear normally and what does it say now it's underwear good our but no it

doesn't change anything our best selling silver underwear now in a luxe limited edition collection silver never felt so soft you're going way too what if you click that was not retards safe what if you click the cognitive disability button everything's just seven dollars more expensive yeah like no it's good yeah but on the way it's worth it feel good on the way alright let's see ADHD friendly hysterical blind users here we go oh blind that's good now our listeners can listen to this is perfect this is I think if we just found a better way to use to do the ad reads come on do something blind

website I mean I don't understand how this is supposed to could possibly work it's still a website you have to click the thing well doesn't it just if you're blind want to describe shit to you yeah here's a piece of underwear and you can see a guy's hot cock just adjust the website to be compatible with screen readers such as JAWS and VDA voiceover and talk back well that's fucking game screen reader software is installed the blind users computer and smartphone because they're too stupid is that what the Mac Weldon website says well it's I think this is just this is just the penis so that's just Google this is just

this is like this is probably some like the fucking thing you just add to your websites code gotcha and then it like so I doubt they wrote all this vision impaired profile what do you think of this what if instead of a mouse a traditional mouse there is a dildo that you sucked on that would be cool they tried that if you suck it twice it's double clicking they tried the trackball for a while that was an old way to use a computer remember the trackball the trackball you'd have to be some kind of genius to use one of those you have to be like I'm a commander in a data center yep I'm looking up pornography yes I'm

my 1985 Macintosh Lisa we did have a we did have a weird Macintosh my guess he was uncle by marriage who nobody liked him he he wasn't a pedophile but we're pretty sure he was cheating on my aunt yeah and he was a little little bitch yeah but he brought us an old-ass Macintosh and I would just like it had a trackball I believe yeah and I would just go there's no programs or anything on it was like the dictionary I would go and just like read the dictionary on the computer when I was like seven and be like I remember seeing like some print advertisement or something with like a computer with a trackball when I was a

kid and I was I had some like weird fixation on like the idea of like a home office in like 1985 it was like burned into my head but the idea of a trackball and like this being like the height of luxury the height of luxury I just don't know what it was like having a glass office somewhere in the middle of the city glass glass fully glass office in midtown the trackball and then like a like a floor lamp of like one of those like steel floor lamps it cranes over and it's like that yes of course of course it looks like a street lamp or something and I remember even as a child imagining myself as some like

disaffected person with like they're just that computer and glass office being like what am I doing with my life that's so funny it's very weird yeah cuz I mean like early yeah I don't know like when I was like five yeah that's how it would be that's like how Wayne Gretzky they tell that story of when Wayne Gretzky was like a three-year-old he would sit he couldn't speak it he was like two maybe even he couldn't speak and he would just whenever hockey was on he would watch hockey yeah and whenever they would turn it off or the hockey game was over he would just start crying he would piss him shit and he would just shit and

Mack Weldon.com and because he was wearing baby special baby underwear special baby then let's let's let's at least pay attention to the read for a second yeah yeah Mack Weldon they offer premium premium everything everything all everything nice 18 hour jersey box or brief comes in I'm wearing some right now my cock feels awesome comes in four plus five colors I actually I have not done laundry and I accidentally wiped in a lot of my underwear yeah and he doesn't smell like shit folks by scratching and no I just I'm due for I need to buy more Mack Weldon underwear so I can finally throw out the rest of the ones that are

shit covered all my diarrhea shit rag who underwear yeah I'm wearing a bathing suit right now actually nice I love that move I haven't pulled that for a while they got the ace sweat pant for cool if you're asexual if you don't get pussy you don't get dick but it's your choice for if your cool guy goes by ace he comes in in rapist green Laurel Canyon oh sorry infantry is the color of the right the green one gray Heather total eclipse blue total eclipse of my cock true black Chinese yellow no denim blue doesn't come in that charcoal Heather and ass fault ass fuck more like gay gay fault the suited sweatshirt this looks

nice too it's it my my thing is I have to like snap because I would just wear all the same clothes from one company once which is insane and I'm tempted to do that with this stuff but yeah maybe you should know I can't do it you got to mix it up no you should buy all the clothes and buy clothes from elsewhere to mix it with folks don't listen Nick buy everything from back by everything and use promo code come down or come down we got some reviews from the hoodie is fits well in his warm from James H I like it a lot says pen Kai are Joseph M says it fits great he loves the sweatshirts he's got three of them at

this point that's awesome they're comfy they fit great and they look better I have been arrested for child pornography I'm going to kill myself but the but what about the hoodie from Joseph M Jeffrey S four stars not five interesting but then he says you'll want another one my new go-to sweatshirt stitching is plenty strong so for the last fabric is surprisingly smooth and soft why did you give it four stars and Jeffrey you fucking prick fucking womanly behavior from Jeffrey oh if you read on actually it actually says he says only only four stars because one of the threads got caught and I was identified by the

police and arrested for rape yeah this is this because they traced me to here's why hoodie could draw strings are a bit too long get the fuck what a fuck what a bitch move oh you want your fucking draw strings lost the strings are too long the strings too long of my weak baby arms can't fucking how about your too long your prick is too short about this Jeffrey S kill yourself and the rest of you you can go to Mack Weldon dot com use promo code come town or come town 20 often we forget one of them try it out and if it's neither of those try something else try something else you get 20% off you don't sign up for the

Mack Weldon loyalty program the milk well milk mech mech mech eat mechle burgers Mack Weldon blue the Mac Weldon blue ball special a lot of blue shit with all these fucking sponsors it's it's hard for me to keep track of who's blue and who's underwear and are you just mean the blue loyalty thing and then also another company that we work with there's not purchasing right now this is that guy Montgomery blue that I do business with sometimes yep that guy this is the guy in the blue man group the fucks you in the ass yeah that guy blue blue Montgomery sends me that blickery makes in his bathtub that we

give out the fans yep to test it out on them to see if it kills them that guy yep Montgomery blue yeah there's blue Adam blue Adam blew a dog for $20 one time remember when we got $20 in that guy yep in exchange for he got to watch Adam suck a dog's dick that happened and he did it at Mack Weldon dot com that is if you buy enough clothing for Mack Weldon dot com you get to unlock that video of Adam sucking off a cock I'm trying to check the promo code but every time I click on a thing I want it says that they're out of stock which means they're very popular which means you better get to this fucking website

post-haste you fucking idiots t-shirts and Henley's here you go the Pima crew neck this looks good dude I see I imagine love that look at this this this handsome model of color he he does happen to be a black gentleman yeah and I'll fuck him just the same I see these clothes and I'm like man imagine if I was somebody that could go have a nice time so I buy the shirt imagining I'll be like that smiling and then I put it on and then I just eat a bunch of tram at all on my couch and that's that's you know it's like that you can do that at Mack Weldon dot com promo code come down or come down 20 the silver like it's

come down silver line of anti guy yeah micro anti microbial shit cuz they got silver in their underwear here you go check out your cock is fucking nestled by precious metals what else could you ask for $50 you get free shipping with the blue program no it just looks like regular wow login for Weldon blue perks I just want to see where they put the promo code in but you're right it's probably come down I'm pretty positive it's come down because I'll tell you this I am a customer folks yeah we some some people will send us someone call them a buster I'm a buster my bust in these I have come inside of these

I've I've I've probably got my dick sucked with Mack Weldon's pulled down around my waist I would say four or five times minimum wait what do you mean pulled down around your waist we know a girl pulls your cock out of your fucking underwear but you know where your waist is you like don't have a waist so you just don't understand the concept I have a waist all right I guess pulled down around my ass I don't know wherever you pull down underwear you can't pull down underwear down to your waist I guess it is at your waist I don't know why we got to be the semantics crew awful fucking sudden all right no it's just very funny

my cock my cock is pulled out of these back the point is whether they're on my waist or they're under my ass cheeks or right under my balls or whatever the fuck I have got my dick sucked with or around my ankles frankly one time recently I got I was standing up and my my pants and shorts I was wearing khaki shorts were pulled down I like to do the move where you pull your shit out from the leg at the pant no yeah pull your cock out of the leg if you weren't shorts yeah come on it's too much bunches up no it doesn't you just move it on sip I don't have my legs aren't fat masculine muscular masculine I mean if

you want to call it that look at these fucking games bro that's fucking muscle dude yeah I guess it sounds what it sounds like it's somebody that doesn't know how to read newspaper I know I know how to read the Austin Daily Chronicle and you're in there you're in there for people you're a little ethnic and at fucking a cap city comedy club don't say the name of where I did it now they're gonna look it up and ask and it's gonna be real the one thing I don't the one thing I really don't want to happen is a bunch of people to call cap city and ask to see my penis if there's one thing I would hate I think it's closed I think

it closed during the pandemic then call whatever the box office is for the moon tower comedy festival and ask to see my penis if people were doing that I would just be heartbroken ask if it's true that Nick won Austin's body is person for having the smallest dick anyone's ever seen if you if people were calling up moon tower incessantly and asking that over and over again boy that would just sour my nuts that would make me so pipe in red hot but yeah go to Mack Weldon did we finish this I think so yeah all right go to mack Walden calm and check out penis code come town penis mm-hmm thank God we wrap

that up yeah those without Adam here to you know tap on his watch to let us know that we're running out of time well to let us know that he has to get to the story about how somebody complimented him come on cat it's your chance to be on the podcast meow I've really only heard this bitch meow a couple times meow yeah I mean she was she was pretty loud come on bitch say something the listeners at home were holding the microphone up to the cat this is now a cat podcast for all the fat women that fucking won't leave us alone yeah we get nothing we get emails it's just this show the audience is 98% fat women who sing along to

Hamilton mm-hmm begging for more cats on the show yeah they're like I would have liked it if it was more ham you right I loved it it was great musical but there wasn't enough I thought there was more ham and I thought that I feel represented in the word ton that appears in the end of it dude we should go see in the Heights I wanted I'm gonna write a musical called Ben Franklin big fat bitch mm-hmm and it's just a musical but Ben Franklin you cast like you know like a Lindy West type mm-hmm he would be a fat woman yeah it's gender bending oh yeah it's like inventing shit is my passion and getting pussy in France is

cool too I love to buy how about a kite and there's a key around the time the the key touches electricity and then I learned that you can use electricity to make a fucking piano and then the Constitution is right there's that's when we passed the law of 1887 that you have the right to give your dick socks they have it's it's just so gay I know I know it's like I shouldn't still be mad about it it's passe to call it gay I know but god damn dude it is fucking annoying have you ever heard of the Declaration of Independence the greatest minds of the the Enlightenment coming together to create democracy

it could do my fuck up everybody is he founding fathers can suck my little dick as far as except the taxation taxation is good taxation is suck my penisation taxation but the representation makes me fucking pissed off mmm what is what are some Hamilton songs let's just go through we'll just rip on Hamilton yeah Alexander Hamilton suck my fucking little dick he pulled out my penis and he sucked in the heights original motion picture soundtrack we'll do that nice I would list if the lights up on Washington Heights up at the break a day I wake up and I got this little punk I gotta chase away pop the great at

the crack of dawn sing while I wipe down the awning hey oh good morning ice-cold beer I go up I check the strawberry and just put today I got my name oh yeah I can't listen to musicals unless I'm a snobby and you probably never heard my name reports in my fame a greatly exaggerated this just sounds like Hamilton the single greatest place in the Caribbean Dominican Republic I love it so this is kind of racist right at the beginning it's better than Haiti yeah he's a he's a dr supremacist it's also like a surprising dearth of the Latin acts of color in the movie that's what I've heard so it's colorist I've heard

it's colorist Jesus I'm jealous of it and beyond that ever since my folks passed on I haven't gone back to the so he hasn't been back to the DR since his parents died goddamn I gotta get on that the milk has gone bad hold up just a second why isn't it everything in the fridge warm and tepid so I guess he he owns a bodega and so he's a landlord yeah so the premise of the the he's a landlord and AOC has called the AOC's press office is like she's coming by she needs to have oil come over on when she goes in there to order her chachito yeah and if oil come over is an on then guess what their Donald Trump's can

become president it's your fault and it's your fault he's gonna make making like faggot Sesame Street songs for NPR liberals illegal you'll have to be a fucking substitute drama teacher again yeah it would be funny if there was like a lot of fucking a Guatemalan guy that did this shit like a little man had been Guatemalan yeah and it was like waking up in the morning waiting outside of Home Depot yeah I'm five foot one I'm the tallest of my people but what am I gonna have for lunch probably fucking McDonald's again I'm probably like 17 years old but I look 37 because I've got cancer from cutting MDF without a

mask earning $15 a day goddamn I wish I was dead yep my wife looks just like me ethnically I'm closer related to Winnie the Pooh than anybody from South America my wife looks like he with long hair just basically exactly like we were with the pony tail yeah we're the same motherfucker and our clothes are for fat children when I put on my tigger denim jean jacket I know that everybody's laughing at me and my dumbass culture which sees to exist dried up somewhere on the border crossing I lost half my family and now I'm happily fagotry there it is happily fagotry engage in gay sex with another guy who looks like me in

the back of the day labor in van I got my man we're doing a little broke back mountain except it's more like a hill broke back broke back mound broke back slight elevation yeah having gay sex on my vacation having gay sex on my permanent vacation to America I came here for opportunity but all I did was find out that I was kind of gay yeah just yeah that would be a much I would go see that I would love to see the musical about a gay Guatemalan in the parking lot I haven't been back to Guatemala since my entire family was killed by the cartel yeah Kamala Harris told me not to come fuck Kamala

jokes on her I wasn't gonna come anyways until I found out I was gay was he comes here and he realizes that there's women that don't look like his wife right still doesn't want to fuck them and he's like well I guess I'm gay that I'm gay I thought the only reason I didn't want to get pussy was because my wife was ugly but if she had a cock I would suck it yeah and then like the contractor character I've done this joke before but when you do it on Broadway the contractor character is like a 30-foot tall pair of like legs and timber legs that walks under the set right my baby yes yes yes that'll be

awesome Alexander Hamilton suck my fucking penis made me suck his dick or you do like the Rocky Horror Latino show okay I'm listening and it's like the Dominican Republic what happens there can you suck dick the Dominican Republic we're all second penis do they love you I don't care where I go I was eating beans and rice even though they were gonna fuck me in the house later we got shit if something about super special oh super special I love smoking cratum and getting my ass fucked you don't smoke the crate in me drinking I love drinking cratum almost as much as I love drinking

calm super speciosa which they've asked us to stop saying it cuz I'm saying it wrong I guess okay I guess I'm not doing it the way Lin-Manuel Miranda would say it but they had to like they had to literally put it in like phonetics for me okay special is pronounced speciosa that's how we've been saying it speciosa how about that why don't you call super's pussy give me so super give me puss super give me puss here we go we got a promo code but we also have a direct URL you can use get super leaf dot com slash Comtown Wow have you ever had it so easy cratum is pronounced k r a y 2 u m cratum I guess that's how you

spell the pronunciation yeah scenarios oh shit I wasn't supposed to read that cratum gives your whole body energy but for some people it's like coffee for your cock or your vagina I love that mmm which famously coffee does not to work on your well maybe not for you does it work for you I put my dick in there and it sucks it up like an art work yeah super speciosa could energize you to so anyways let's just if you don't know what cratum is it's like some kind of fucking south east Asia yep the kind of the spidery part of south Asia yeah so China but snakes and spiders and Chinese snakes and kicks boxing and that's why

exactly yeah that's why the plants are even more fucking awesome their plants are wicked cool because they got to compete with the snakes and those kick boxers yeah so it's a type of poison from south east Asia that you dry out the leaves and you chew on it there's a couple of different strains and if you go to get super leaf comm I'm sure they explain it to you they sent me a bunch of the bags and I'll be quite honest with you I kind of just mixed it all do I consolidated all of it and then you drink it and it it makes you chill the fuck out you love to chill out they have some of the highest quality shit in the

whole goddamn universe okay finally milled handled with care mm-hmm they got fucking like way way in heat I had not actually been a cratum guy prior to that I got it and every every woman I know is like that stuff's bad which means it's good and I tried it and I think it's good if a woman says it's bad it's good well I think the women women were getting the garbage stuff because they they don't know about cool shit like super speciosa as guys were always the first on the scene first on the scene of a crime so true all all culture filters down from straight white men who are drug addicts

absolutely we invented everything fucking rock and roll reservoir dogs grant that my dick my dick is fucking on grant that thought of for Lamborghinis us for sure Lamborghinis us World War two facts bagpipes boondock saints these were all things guys brave men explorers of the mind invented while fucked up on cratum from to get super leaf.com they got they lab test their shit the movie man of honor that's something that belongs that's our culture that's male culture that's male stuff let's see a woman have honor what else training day the movie training day there's a scene where where Ethan Hawke eats cratum he

gets tricked into eating cratum by Denzel Washington and then Denzel Washington famously tries to convince Latinos let Latino culture that he was in the Heights diddling one of their the children right and then they find then not only does he not but he was they actually find him to be cool because he's done cratum did that move is awesome it's the best way to get super leaf.com promo code training day to download a copy of training day off their website with a free purchase every time you purchase 3.5 ounce or however whatever the bag it comes in a bag of the dirt yes it does which is I

prefer kind of the dirt actually you know what because they had capsules too and the capsules are nice because you just keep popping them what I would really like is if they had peanut M&M's that would be awesome but they met me in the middle they heard my complaints and they said how about we give you a free copy of the movie training day yes with every order and you do that you go there use promo code come town and you can download training day or take the cratum and then just stare at a wall and remember the movie training day which is just as good which is just as good because cratum if not better cratum is

one of those stare at the wall and feel heavy and kind of nauseous supplements which is the kind that is perfect for me to get out of bed and face this disgusting fucking world that you know nobody wants to live in of course it's unless you have super super leaf super leaf super special super speciosa speciosa that makes life worth living folks so get that here we go are you an aging millennial new aches and pains cratum is great for pain relief that's the thing if you hurt your back pull a muscle from all that fucking which I do I have done yeah I have I've never hurt my I got a Charlie horse in my ass one

time that made me come inside of somebody cratum helps with that char so your so your friend Charlie horse yeah yeah your ass yes because the guys cock was in your ass you came in the other guys ass that you were fucking on certainly hope people don't call the moon tower comedy festival and demand to see the video of me getting fucked in the ass by Charlie horse that would drive me insane if people trolled me in such a way if you're only if you're only mass friend Charlie horse fucked him in the ass so good the human centipede you were the lucky Pierre yeah no if you're only masturbating

you develop a wrist injury and you need a little extra push to get to come town super speciosis cratum will get you there you can come easy and hard with cratum cratum is the secret supplement that influencers don't want you to know about no sir why are they hoarding it for themselves cratum is a great pre workout supplement what new things can you do at the gym now that you take cratum and have all this extra energy cratum helps you write jokes oh yeah we've been you guys can probably tell we took a lot of cratum before this episode yeah it's a super leaf it's cousin coffee is just brown water and as

you know brown means bad and right I'm not gonna go cratum is like a lost family member that was recently discovered on 23 and me and now is only now getting the credit it rightfully deserves cratum comes in tea powder and capsules that you can put anywhere in your pocket in your backpack in your suitcase in your pussy it's very funny to imagine somebody still using a suitcase I kind of want one a suitcase so you wouldn't mean suitcase like a big old briefcase no like a big fucking like oh yeah yeah instead of like a roller bag well you consider that a suitcase to

what would you call that a roller bag no it's a suitcase it's a rolly suitcase is that what you call them I think so yeah if I google the word fucking suitcase right now I bet you those fuckers come probably I just instantly in my mind I imagine like the big the handle that you carry right yeah yeah yeah it's kind of like a square like a bigger briefcase yeah yeah dude see you search you Google search suitcase they all have fucking wheels yeah I guess I just I called that like luggage or yeah now they just say I call you I call my dick well you know I mean I think outside of the box is somebody uses really yep that's

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use of their 20% off promo code promo code come town see you mtwn won't work go to getsuperleaf.com slash come town for 20% off your entire order that's superleaf.com slash come town promo code come town this time it's listed as two words so you got it you're gonna have to try both try both you fucking pricks but you can always go to get superleaf.com slash come town and I think it'll apply it automatically yep and if it doesn't please do not call the moon tower economy festival and ask them if I won the little dick contest I got fucked in my ass by Charlie Horst that's a good way to pretend you're not gay say oh yeah

I got I got Charlie Horst in my ass all the time yeah you need a boyfriend named Charlie Horst yeah and you can be like I got I got a Charlie Horst in my ass and my mouth and my hands what were we just talking about before that before we were talking about the crayons oh we were talking about a Puerto Rican oh the Guatemalan in the Heights movie yeah yeah it's pretty oh no Dominican Republic yeah it was the Rocky Horror Latino show that's right that was good for me I put some Mofongo in my ass transsexual transpanamanian fucking guys like that yeah oh yeah no what are some other musicals wicked of the opera wicked of musical yeah

I don't know what Wicked's about I think it's about it's a prequel the witch from Snow White if she it's not it's about the wicked witch of the West there we go if she had had a penis she had a bigger pussy she had a big big one put a big tits in a big because you got crushed by her house and then her dick curled up dick like curled up that would be awesome yeah damn I would fuck a green bitch with big tits and a green penis honestly dude I don't care you know I like I thinking about it and it's like if if that green bitch was banging mm-hmm even though she had the fucked up face oh yeah in fact I might like it that's

what I'm saying wicked witch of the West yeah let's let's Google image green witch just you look at her and she looks like you know she's like my dad does some finance shit I don't even know what it is right instead of make up for it I'm just like sucking dick and I go to tish yeah absolutely yeah I wonder who the actress was I wonder what she looked like well time of that classic moment in Comtown where we look up we both Google something at the same time yeah actually the witch looks worse than I'm remembering some bitch named Margaret Hamilton I'll take it back although a

Dina Manziel played her in Wicked and I would fuck a Dina Manziel Mila Kunis played her in some bullshit version Mila Kunis Mila Kunis is a funny name Miss Piggy I'd fuck Miss Piggy Mary J Blige yep me little Kunis yeah me like you pussy me like you penis me like penis me like penis me like penis this is an Indian guy me like penis me like my name is me like penis me like penis yeah I take it back the bitch that played Margaret Hamilton could actually not get it he's a different Margaret Hamilton from MIT from back in the day as an American computer scientist systems engineer in

business I think this is this you're looking at no that bitch is hotter than the actress to play the wicked witch of the West what is the fucking Wizard of Oz really fuck wrote that shit Francis Scott Doerner yep I'm looking up right now it's Francis Scott Doerner oh yeah this woman is hideous but she actually looks better with the fucking nose on yeah and that picture she didn't look maybe I'm like a just a sloppy weekend you know I'm talking about yeah absolutely just oh I'm not saying I haven't fucked the worst looking women don't get me wrong come on I know I know how the fucking

world works man let me see that pic yeah you know I guess I could fuck her with that little bonnet on feel like I'm fucking the maid like the way Arnold fucked his ugly maid yeah I feel like I was bonding with Arnold she's really barely hanging on a lot of these pictures yeah Margaret Hamilton we're gonna have to keep you in the time machine sorry Margaret Hamilton I mean out of the time out of the time machine no one's coming back for that weird pussy yeah you gotta think her pussy was not well maintained I would like if I had a time machine I would just I would immediately go back to biblical times and just come

out with a big beard and my staff and my time machine like God said all the women have to suck my day all the women if you went biblical times they're probably fucking heinous though yeah but I would cave bitches I would be I could trick them into thinking I was God did they even know how to suck dick back then of course they're probably getting nasty with it yeah the side of mites they probably had to have like the basis of all religion is that people were fucking too much and got like just wild STDs and they're like we got to make up some kind of rules to stop people from to stop us because my dick fell off from

getting too much pussy and I don't want this to happen to other people and yeah so we gotta figure out we're gonna put it on the women right of course but we all get one you know I don't want to be the one just not so we all get one pussy I guess and we can so we can still cheat a little bit but they're not a lot to fuck other guys they can even their hole fills with dick dirt where I can beat my dick down down the river yeah I take my dick down the river slap it around the rocks get all the pussies residue off it I'm clean what she doing with that fucking hole that hole you can't on it what are you gonna

dig the pussy did the dick dirt out no thanks it gets inside you yeah it gets in your pussy cavern becomes a pussy wall it becomes a party what maybe once we invent the bronze age I can make a little tool to look up in there and figure out what's going on in fact that's gonna be my job I've decided that now as long as we're delegating everything I'm both the clown and the priest of society but also the guy OBGYN yeah that's my role I wouldn't want that I again I think you're really you're you're not thinking about how clean everyone is back like those pussies were fucked up dude yeah the

pubic hair was wild they smelled bad mm-hmm somebody else gets to look in them if you if you want to ask me it is funny this is what you rather go back to I didn't say that yeah yeah she's a particularly unattractive that's so funny they were like yeah we need a witch yeah you guys find the ugliest bitch you can get just an absolute fucking disaster we're gonna pay the greed where it's like trying your best there's nothing cute about it mm-hmm yeah at least she was alive back then though you know I was opposed to what she get work as an ugly even ugly bitches on TV now have to be hot well

that was funny that movie who's the last was Ari Aster movie before inception or summer Ari Aster movie I don't know hereditary oh yeah yeah a little girl in hereditary like casting that being like yeah we need a monster we need a fucked up looking bitch yeah yeah I guess that's true she's been others in other stuff hasn't she who the hereditary girl no I think she has been bro Millie Shapiro oh interesting name damn that just goes to show you even if you look like that she has also played Sally Brown in an off-broadway production if you're a good name Charlie Brown even if

you look like that as long as you got my kind of name yeah I'm not gonna say anymore but you know exactly what you guys can read between the line you guys can draw that you can connect the dots on the shape yeah maybe it's just some kind of star two triangles intersecting we maybe we can't say for sure yeah but perhaps now I'm looking to track balls oh yeah let's find let's go find bitches from what I like to call a blast in the past okay how about that a blast in the past and it's Brandon Frazier he's like golly I made a time machine so I can go rape women from 60 years ago okay nuts in them and then he

meets his son who's the same age as him does he look like him yeah and he's like you rape my mom and it's like well it was a long time ago well I have a machine it didn't really feel like it and he's like well in your time it's only been two weeks it's like yeah well that's as long as it took me to feel guilty and get over it so maybe when you make your own time machine son yeah then you can you don't get it pal I made the time machine I get the pussy I'm the time machine that was the deal time machine talks pussy walks there's the rules that we came up the rules of time travel time

pussy walks so see you wouldn't want to be that'd be a great movie it would be really good blast in the past blast in the past yeah about all the women that I guess you're assaulting or George and the jungle and I think well hold on hear me out it's about a guy named George Brandon Frazier and he invents a time machine so you can the time machine also travel it's not just time travel also goes to different places okay so he sets the machine to go to the jungle back in like the 1930s or whatever back before it had been deforested yep and he lives in the current time and you know you can't really get away

with using the n word now sure so he's the time machine to go to a secluded jungle back in the 1930s to see he wants to say it but in an ethical way well scream it yeah in a jungle back while it has to be a jungle well yeah that's why it's George and the jungle okay it's a good George call why does he can I see this why does he want it to be the jungle because that's the name okay why does he have to do in the jungle does he have my question is does he have racist motivations for the jungle now he just wants to scream the words and he thinks the jungle is the safest place he thinks the jungle in the 1930s during the

rise of fascism and Hitler that's he's got one they're like all right we can say one guy back to the 30 he stole the study stole the time machine technology so there had been debuts being developed to go back in time and stop Hitler and the Holocaust but it drops you off and it has to go to a secluded place in the jungle because it will fuck up the time thread if there's any evidence of you like you can't just show up in Berlin people like oh time travels real right you're like yeah I have to kill or stop Hitler right because then you know the Hitler was planning for that a lot of people don't know the Nazis their number

one thing was like somebody's gonna should come back and I'm trying to stop this yeah so that was actually a lot of people now they get into this thing about the Russians actually when World War two no it was Nazi Germany was so worn down by internal time traveler battles that they didn't have the effort to really engage on the Western front I didn't know that yeah so okay so George George has to he steals a time machine and he goes he just gets in it and it takes him to a jungle in the 1930s and he doesn't understand why he's there because he actually never learned about the Holocaust he was too busy wanting to

say the n-word yeah I mean he's a simple guy with simple pleasures and and so he's like well I guess they sent me back here to scream the n-word in the jungle and he's doing that and then you don't explore it's like good good thoughts what the devil are you doing and he's like I I don't know I got in this thing I think it's a time machine I'm from the year 2021 and you're not allowed to say the n-word in the future and I stole this time machine from Harvard or the Jewish Harvard or whatever and because in the future Harvard all the school they stop pretending yeah and they're like now we're named or society will name its

Kings and so things are named like Jewish Harvard or Jeffrey Epstein Microsoft yeah because Bill wanted to honor his dead friend yeah he left his wife to have sex with Jeffrey Epstein whoa that's what they got divorced is because Bill Clinton or Bill Gates Bill Gates and Bill Clinton were having satanic gay sex triple gay sex with Jeffrey Epstein yeah and then once that ended he was like well there's no point in pretending to be married anymore anyways what was the other dumb thing I was walking through George and the jungle George and the jungle and the British guy you know and he's like well who are

you and he's like well I'm Lord Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes because you're Sherlock Holmes though well I'm Captain Sherlock Holmes and he's like are you that guy that beat his wife Amber Heard and he's like Johnny Depp and he's hiding out trying to escape he's hiding out in the 30s and he's like just a little thing about the time travel you're not supposed to tell people time traveling it's okay with me because I'm also in the future right and I stole the time machine from Jewish UCLA and they all go back to the 30s because we're supposed to stop Hitler because all they've completely programmed it to

stop the Holocaust yeah but I've I the kid just drops you in this jungle which I've been using to pretend to be my character Captain Sherlock Holmes and you're clearly here to just scream the n-word but together we can team up and this is where this is where you actually get a story out of the thing I love that we can team up to combine on interest and you can say the inward but in like a pirate character right and so then he becomes blackbeard the n-word saying pirate of the jungle wow yeah and so are they gonna stop Hitler or they just chilling out no neither of them really have any particular interest in

stopping Hitler because they saw what happened to UCLA and Harvard and they're like well maybe maybe he gets another chance yeah maybe we'll just like obviously Hitler is gonna fail anyways right wasn't it but I go back in time to stop Hitler and it's like stop Hitler from what they lost the war I think you could say it did a nice amount of damage while losing the war though like what well I think you could say the Holocaust yeah but the Jews won the Holocaust I wouldn't say I wouldn't say they won I wouldn't use the phrase the Jews well they won the camps got shut down saying to go back in time to stop

Hitler so that what okay so now the premise is we need to invent time travel so no Jew ever dies ever that's your argument is that I mean I think there's I'm driving I think there's a stark difference between a Jew dying of natural cause it's 6 million being rounded up into camps let me get this straight that's the stop-hiller from from doing what exactly just the guy at the time travel meeting okay oh there's no other stuff we could do with it that's the thing is to stop a guy that we know failed he failed but I guess the twin towers did go down but those that's not a big deal yeah we shouldn't stop that

from happening yeah okay I guess we see who runs everything here yeah yep that that makes sense to me I'm over here saying we could very easily go get different type of pussy we can go see what pussy was like no one wants to try and see what 1910s every Asian pussy was like it's all this like let's assassinate people and all this fucking evil shit the cause the cause the problems that we're in right now I'm saying we go back to fucking 1412 and get some like some like some sacks and pussy some sacks yeah dude I'm trying to go to English even exist I'm trying to go to the globe theater and sexually

assault women on stage and make the audience think it's part of a play and then I steal off into the night I'm trying to steal off into the night I'm trying to look everyone says people used to be shorter yeah shorter people probably have a smaller pussies yeah send me back to ancient Greece let me fuck a little tiny what if they're dicks or small what if I have like a what if what if I go to the biggest dick of all time what if in 10,000 BC I'm just a fucking monster yeah send me back I want to be the Peter North of prehistoric fucking send me back there dude what if I'm blowing the biggest loads they've

ever seen and this is this is how I made it on the board of Jewish Harvard I'm trying to play devil's advocate here and how about this okay send me back to fucking ancient Japan yeah now it's a done now I got double the advantage yeah if you know what I'm saying mm-hmm I want to go but send me back to 1963 and I want to see if I can get my penis in one of the frames of the Zapruder that's right mm-hmm oh yeah that would be awesome I would love to fuck you know what I've changed my mind on the biblical pussy thing did you write this whole time mm-hmm we you almost this was almost like you had the answer and then

we had to solve for it yeah we had to prove how you get back wait what came around for you the fact that your dick is probably much bigger and oh yeah you know mm-hmm that would be cool as there's as rank is that pussy probably is it would be cool to have the biggest dick yeah they had the fuck through sheets yeah and you think about who's closest to biblical times probably the Hasid's no they're not at all yeah no they're like from the 1800s yeah but that's closer to the biblical times who else is older the Amish maybe the Hamish and the Hasid's are the same thing yeah you're right the Christian they're Christian

Hasid's and Jewish well I gotta blow my nose again so if you want you go come downtown buy t-shirts or patreon.com slash come yeah go to patreon.com slash come time go to stopby.biz we'll be announcing some tour we'll be announcing some new shirts all the good shit over there and go to Rochester this weekend please we could really use you it's my first weekend out on the road I would love to see as many people there as possible bye you fuckers