The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 267 – I said yep

Episode Date: July 7, 2021

im a fagget, and I got a little dick myself and we could all be a bit more gay

This is The bright side this is the best thing that's ever happened. I know he's never he doesn't have a chair anymore There's no chair. Yeah. Oh my fucking god. Can you imagine how bad of you was still in the box? It's shit on the box Guys the best thing that's ever happened on the spot not okay, so clearly Adam shit himself Adam shit himself Adam shit himself shit all over the chair. I had to get him He's wearing hofers always wearing white pants That's what makes it even better is that he's like I'm gonna dress like a painter and he took precaution

This is thing if I were to ever wear white linen pants I wouldn't check the weather report to make sure that people couldn't see my dick if it rained right, which is what Adam did to prepare himself To have preempt any kind of embarrassment. He shit through linen pants He's shit through linen pants and then shit on the on the chair He squirted die There's literally a little puddle of diarrhea on the red camper chair that Adam usually sits on yeah He shit himself clean through his pants also Adam. There's when you get in the shower. There's a jug of soap on the floor Adam

There's soap on the floor that jug on the floor is soap There's none in the shower Clean your ass and hurry the podcast has started put your fucking clothes in that trash bag I swear to God if I go in my bathroom, and there's shit anywhere If there's fucking shit anywhere I'm gonna lose my mind. I don't know why I don't hear this shower on already Yeah, what is that? He's probably still shitting. He's pretty shitting again. Also. What the fuck dude? It's it's complete liquid. He squirted just shitwaters right through and how did it make it through?

Clean through your paint underwear pants and almost through the camper chair. I hate him Oh, no, no, no You had no warning you were gonna shit. I can't wait to ask her about all this Oh Incredible folks straight up shit himself in white pants in white pants, which you wouldn't do at home. No, just do here No, just do here while looking at like Rihanna mean we're all having a good time having lunch I was eating my salad you were you were eating your Jack Link's beef jerky and half of Adam's trail mix and All of a sudden all we hear is oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no

No, and you saw the shit He's holding his he's holding his ass. He's like and he's like no I didn't shit. Oh another classic That's the thing because you know you go at you ask him like Adam. Did you shit yourself and I'll go? No, I Do I don't think that I did when he's making his lying face? Yeah, yes, yes the pensive the classic. Yes, I know He always breezes his nose you guys and he looks up. He does like he has like the most obvious tells in the world Absolutely. No, I know exactly the face you're talking. No, I didn't like he's trying to solve a math problem

I don't believe I had sex with that woman Well, that's not a lie. Yeah, that's not that wouldn't be the rare time. He wouldn't be lying. Yeah. Oh No, I did not fuck that mentally ill woman that's brought a gun to the show It's honestly so awesome Adams the one who shit himself clean through his fucking pants right wearing pants not even wearing shorts Not free balling. He's got underwear pants still shit right through it Yeah, and in his shirt, too, and he's carrying that that chair. Yeah with him that chair is forever sully There's lit. There's literally shit on it. I Mean, it's disgusting that we have to fucking taking that with that. We have to work taking it all the way with him

It's not going in my trash outside. Oh, it's going in his personal going in your his car Yep to be taken home and put on the wall. That's right as a reminder of his weak ass little asshole Mm-hmm. I guess that's what happens when you get your shit blowed out. Yeah, you know, right? When you when you've been like sitting on a fire hydrant Dude, he's still shitting I don't hear the shower Adam are you still shitting? What are you doing? Oh, okay, he's cleaning up. He's putting the stuff in the trash. Remember it doesn't touch anything but the garbage bag Don't forget the most important part. I don't want my things touched you got I would you think you drew he dribbled shit on the floor, of course

You can't even manage fucking bringing an ice coffee across the room without spilling it everywhere Discuss. No, stay in there. Why are you already wearing a towel? You We didn't hear the shower running your hair is dry your hair is dry I know it doesn't feel good you should yourself, but you're lying about having taken a shower Yeah Here's what I understand. Why did you take a half shower? Why not just take the Clean my ass out. Okay, do that, but then also take the full shower

In case you actually go What do you mean? It's of course is embarrassing you shit yourself, but this is your most your most famous stand-up bit is shitting That's true It's not embarrassing so much as it is embarrassing it's on brand you're taking that towel with you, too In fact everything from the bathroom is leaving with you. Oh Yeah, go get him some shorts. Yeah, I guess I'll get you shorts, but take everything other than my Fancy clippers that it right everything out of the bathrooms got to go All the books he has there the magazines all my magazines q-tips

All my cop copies of soldier fortune and foreign affairs are going with you You Find shorts go get shorts for Adam. Oh, he put his shoes put your shirt back on. What's wrong Adam? What did you shit? Come on, go get him some shorts Oh, yeah, you shit yourself on the chair What did you eat bro, I don't know what you have for breakfast fruit fruit Oh fruit and what else oatmeal no no Yeah, I use the soap

In the pump What are you talking about I Cleaned my ass I trust that he cleaned his ass feels really bad dude. It's okay I really I'm not saying this for sympathy or anything, but I I kind of want to cry a little bit You were wearing white pants, too, I know I just got the white pants What the fuck dude what the hell what happened I haven't shit my pants in like three years. Well, there we go

It had to happen now. It had to happen now Which is good. It's good that it happened this way. It's just my life. Yep Look man. Do this in public for fucking ugly people Don't break their looks into it You shit through your pants. You know what these people are going to do to me They're not gonna do anything man. They're gonna have a good laugh We're gonna have a good laugh. Okay now relax. Nick's going to get you some shorts. I should go on the law school You should have gone to law school

You would have been fine, but just please Nick Nick's getting Nick's getting his shorts out of storage Feels really bad folks in the meantime, why don't you go to stavi.biz slash tour? I'm coming at you real soon You know, I'm gonna be in Poughkeepsie this weekend. I'm gonna be in fucking Connecticut this weekend to BJ Ryan's And then I'm going cuz starting in the summer. We got fucking Portland Seattle Denver fucking Utah Salt Lake City. I just added New Orleans to the mix Boston Cleveland

Do you put some put some khaki at Nick is handing? Nick is handing Adam some khakis. Thank you. I Need to go to a gastroenterologist And also buy some tea listen if you ever shit yourself go to get a t-shirt from stavi.biz too. Yeah, don't forget to This is honest, I don't know if he's acting but he seems more pathetic. Oh, he's acting you think so he's proud of himself for Shitting his pants. That's the thing about Adam is he's like He's like a healthy narcissist. He's a narcissist without any kind of self-loathing So he does something like this and he's like, isn't it cute that I shit myself. That's so human

Meanwhile, he'll leave and there's just guard. He'll forget the chair But the most infuriating thing is that he'll also leave his empty iced coffee cup sitting on the floor Yep, which you would think after which is the culprit. Yes, of course. It's the iced coffee that really did it Mm-hmm. How's it feel man? Yeah, no no hold on that's not There's a guy that comes by who like has to make sure the garbage is sorted and I'm friends with him he's like the landlord has him come by and There's not gonna be a bag of clothes filled with shit in

The garbage that we're gonna we're gonna do is when you leave you'll take the chair and the clothes I don't have a chair anymore. You don't have a chair. Well, listen, that's your fault How about this where's the box you can take for the return of the box you can take the chair with you and Then bring it back and you can sit in the chair when there's a reminder I'm really embarrassed right now. No, you're not But to get this you got a free pair of pants out of it because I'm certainly not taking those back Yeah, they look good on you. Honestly, I Don't realize you and Nick were the same size

Get the box Adam time to return to the box Well, he can sit in the chair for now. Just put take one of those old newspaper No, leave that there take one of the old newspapers put it down. You can sit on Put the newspaper down Give look the news old newspapers are right next to it. We're gonna get through this but like three or four Use pep need newspapers in there. Was this the financial time fine times of London. You're a socialist This there's more there's in there, dude. There's more open already. I'm opening one. All right No, it doesn't it's being serious right now, I'm not like doing a bit. It's okay, Adam

Everybody shits themselves I mean Just look we need you to rally. No one just themselves on the radio. You didn't it was right before but we had a good time That's not true That's not true at all. A lot of people George Norrie famously shit himself in 1994 while doing a broadcast with Bob Lazar You hear that? Yeah. What's that? Are they cool? No, they're both faggots God damn dude, that is awesome. Like we're just we're in your house. I know He was he's literally three feet from a toilet

Mm-hmm. You weren't out and about yeah, he got to stop emergency. It's literally it's not he's like Oh, I gotta go see a gastroenterologist. It's literally him being too comfortable in his life The gastroenterologist is gonna take one look at you and said you should be a little bit more anal retentive literally and Before you say and Freudily put more. No, I have to do an elimination diet and figure out what it is that gives me such You should start with cock. Mm-hmm. It's not cock. You know that you should do a sublimination diet She just got me those pants by new ones. I Can't where am I gonna find those fucking pants? I got to look them up online. Yes easy. Okay. I get my super easy I'm such a fucking loser. She's I use that use that top that part piece of cardboard

It's got some book in it that somebody sent me that I don't want So you just you can put that down as a seat. Yep, and then take that with you when you leave Take no, just leave it and put that down put that down and now sit on it Or maybe one more. No, that's fun. Okay. Yeah, I'll be honest with you guys. Yeah, I don't deserve the chair That's true. Get back on the box. Don't sit on the box Still shit on you might shit yourself. I'm not gonna shit myself. We well look we 30 minutes ago. We would have said the same thing Yeah, I now can't trust you. You understand it now now everywhere we go and every show that we do we have to Like if we go back on tour in Australia, we're gonna have to tell the the flight crew on the plane

This guy shit. He's a shit threat. They're gonna have to make an announcement. This man's a shit at liability Little boy who has a babysitter It has to wear diapers. Oh, that's true. Actually, we don't have to do any of that We'll just get diapers diapers for Adam to wear Which I which if you recall I bought for him years ago That is true before before we did a show We tried to do a TV show that Adam immediately got bossy about and was like my character is the star And I was like, well, I don't want my friend to be embarrassed

Audience decided and shit himself on the show. So I'm going to get him diapers and you acted like that was some kind of insult When clearly now Nick is vindicated the thing about the person on this podcast that has revealed himself to need diapers Is you Adam vindicated about you wearing diapers? Yeah vindicated about fucking coronavirus being fake Vindicated he's on a win streak folks. Yeah Yeah, the next thing I said those Chinese dragons actually they're like it's like just like 12 guys Well, I think that's well known. Yeah now So for a while you were really scared after after somebody got to the bottom of it by taking a peek to see if the dragon had a bigger dick than When I saw the inner machinations of you're like, what the hell is 12 Chinese guys?

It's fucking a bunch of Chinese no big green scaly cock. There's no dick. What the hell is this this tastes like a regular Chinese guys This isn't a dragon's penis at all There's no fucking Armored ball sack that I could fucking bounce up and down. I'm trying to suck a big lizards dick here pal And all I got is eight Chinese guys to suck off Oh, I could just do that any day. It doesn't have to be Chinese New Year for me to do that Now I understand what the fireworks are about really funny

Look man, you know when we get those emails that are like I've been in a dark place in my life No, those go right to the garbage. Yeah, just like the books you sent me which go there are used as a diaper for Any gift you said Nick will be used to block Adam's ass from emitting any more shit on any of our stuff If I may you may go ahead. You have the floor people are like, I'm suicidal My parents divorce it turns out Adam's pooh is side. That's right because he's shit his pants today And I we can't stress enough. He literally shit his pants He's like he can't help himself, but be like this is my moment to shine right my emotional turn my star You have no shame

You don't you don't pretending to be embarrassed. You don't know what embarrassment is. I just makes you it's a cute thing for you to be Humiliated you're like isn't that endearing I shit myself Everyone goes. Oh, Adam. Yep. I haven't done the shit. Well, not me pal I'm gonna steamroll right pass it and talk about Chinese dragons You could maybe if you want to figure out a way to contribute to that. Yep, that's what I was trying to say What I feel like those suicidal guys When I'm listening to you do that. Hey, I was trying to suck a dragon stick, right? It it did make me feel made you feel good

Escapism folks this today's episode is brought to you by the movie joy ride with Steve Zahn and Paul Walker and That bitch I just thought about it a second ago. It's great. It's a lot of you'd love it, dude Really if you're on drugs, yeah, who's the bitch? What's your name? It's like Mimi so So, uh, so bull so bless me me so BS. So BS. Yeah, she used to be around back in the days when I remember that name But I don't know what she looks like She's a bitch. Leely. So maybe me me boby ass bobeck ski my phone is in the poop bag

You put your shit on your phone. Well, all my stuff is in my pockets of the poop pants Why don't you take it out you fucking idiot now? I've remembered that I have to Did you shit anymore after you shit yourself? Yeah, I went more in the toilet, obviously So you had fruit for breakfast would you have for dinner last night? I had fruit and I had an egg This is the thing that's crazy. So he gets mad at me when I come over and just start smoking my pipe in his house without asking Yeah, it's true Adam. It's crazy that you somehow have even the score with all of Nick's rudeness That he does in your house that isn't that the score it is a million to zero I don't know man. Shitting a million to one shitting in his nick of all the disrespectful things Nick has done

Going and coming in eating puffins by the handful Disrespectful I had having any I had an accident any snack. I had an accident and you come here And I've been on your side of this whole thing. I had an accident. I'm always like damn Adam Nick owes Adam for that one. Nick is the dickhead here somehow in one fell swoop You completely even the score and now Nick has another what five more years of behaving that way. Yeah, I Mean I may stop the snacking, but definitely not smoking in the house There's gonna be there it's gonna show shit shit on his furniture, bro Okay, it is a camping chair. It's still up to fucking chair. He owns

It's can you admit that it's less bad than it if it were his sofa? Absolutely, I can admit that but you the fact okay you shit on something he owns Yes, and this is the thing it's like whoa, why do I have to sit on the box? Why do I have to sit on a chair? Territorially, you know why it wasn't on a sofa because you're not allowed on the You law you I thought honestly I thought wow this is cool. Maybe Adam will get to be on This is a story of my life someday soon is that I have to be the villain, right? The guy the bad guy that sees the world for what it is before anyone else does

And they say that guy's an anti-semitre an asshole I'm like just you wait pal. Just This wasn't broad stuff. I wasn't unfair to Adam in general I think most people can agree it was solely this weird chair only the chair thing It's the only time you've ever been on kind and and they say why and I'm like I Said them like the oracle from matrix Chad Why are you talking like that? I'm like the oracle from matrix oracle accent you're like Are you all right? I'm like I have an emotional disability

Makes me I like acting kind of gay and weird because it bothers people, right? It makes me uncomfortable more so than them, but I know it makes but at least it's making them They're like they imagine themselves acting that gay and through some kind of weird reversal of empathy It makes them want to kill themselves. I mean, they want to stone me to death. Yeah Today's episode is brought to you by blue oh Yeah, cuz you blue chew dot-com calm

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God, I love blue chew and one thing I'll say it gets my dick hard and it's never made me shit my pants Mm-hmm. That's so great. That's something you can say. Yeah go dot blue chew dot-com slash come town So it's got to have to go as the subdomain mm-hmm go dot blue chew dot-com slash come town and then yeah We'll buy a hunter biden dot penis. Yeah, I can go there. Yeah, dick pill dot Oh, I should have checked to see if dot penis is one of the available. I think it probably is Adam pooped the chair. No, see this is what I mean You can't try and co-op. He's just you know, he's just trying to scoot in there And be like remember when we were paying attention to me

We're doing an ad read Adam come on Thanks money you think anybody's fucking money you think people are gonna buy these we don't get chewables Buy these chewables. We actually don't we actually don't because I lost track of which reads we were doing and forgot to invoice them and now Yeah, so yes Monopoly style bank error in your favor right in their favor kind of a thing that could not have been preempted By any degree of organization on my end It's fine, buddy. Well, then maybe they can send us some free dick pills You see this big giant box that's covered in tape with an arrow on it pointing up the files are in there

Yeah, nice. That's all of my accounting stuff for the last year is a bunch of pieces of scrap paper Half of which have just the slayer logo drawn on pretty cool. Yeah, that's still my move No in doctor visits no inpatient conversations no Psychological testing to see if you can stand trial If you are intellectually Sound mind and body you're a handle on erect penis a sound and fury the sound and fury of your mind Demanding that you fuck whenever you see a woman the power over becomes or a smaller man and you black out and then it's too late You've already done the deed. It's almost as if a demon has taken over

There's no test like that. Are you writing this down? Mr. Police? There's no test. Are you and then they explained to you that? did Literally everyone that's arrested comes in here and tries this and There's no such thing as getting off on insanity And I say but what if I did this? And then I'm doing the pencil Joker pencil move, you know, yeah, that was the first time I've seen that

That's that's you go to blue.com. You do the Skype doctor visit and just try to get dick pills by reason of insanity Dick chewable crazy to have a fucking soft cock. They're not pills the same active ingredients as viagra and sialis Salad didn't a fill into the Allen but viagra and sialis are for boomers, right? This is the shit for Millennials who are now old enough that their dicks don't work. Yeah, all the zoomers that listen to the show I guess what you do is like ironic Catholicism and Yep, you know, I just Streaming yeah, you have a trad girlfriend. Basically, you're holding that isn't really that many kids. Is that still happening?

They they're all aspiring to be like one or two cartoons from 4chan That's my impression of our understanding of zoomers is that one they're all mixed race and two they're all trying to be They're all trying to be just yet drawings MS paint drawings. Yeah, I Don't know. I can't believe people are fucking being religious and that's like that can't be that many of them I'm getting more religious. Are you? Yeah, Greek Orthodox. Don't even try a pal. Why you don't Come on what you did what you guys did We didn't do anything, you know, we did well, you can find out what they did at bluetooth.com where there's no There's no fucking there's no doctor visits

It comes in discrete packaging discrete packaging the same act of ingredients is It's so yeah, whatever. Yeah, and listen because they're chewable tablets in Italy. They call it Chialis probably Chialis and Viagra I Blew to his American made not like that Italian bullshit. That's right like Viagra and Seattle said us motherfucking a happy 4th of July By the way, 4th of July go celebrate by getting yourself some chewable tablets

Madison hard as shit tastes good by the way tastes really good. It's kind of a blueberry Well, it tastes like a smarty. Yeah, which I'm even a little sweeter. Oh, I might go trick-or-treating this year Just me like clearly a grown man six four, I don't know 25 just just trick-or-treating Four six. Yeah, but you have a car and it's fast so you could hit multiple neighborhoods I could yeah, just from my car. You're sprinting with a megaphone. Yeah, and the fishing net put it in the net Put it in the net. I'm dry. I have a really good costume. You can't see me. My costume is a robot Robot, I'm out of your trick-or-treating for a black kid that was killed by the police. Yeah, can I have this candy?

He would have wanted he's in the car actually he's immuno compromised. I'm out here collecting candy for Tamir Rice So how do you yeah? Yeah, I'm sorry. Are you racist you're in blackface? Okay, so I guess you're too racist to give me candy. I'm the ghost of woke past This used to be alright. I'll Jolson was was he was one of the first The note was up. Yep Very fucking true. Yeah, I'm the ghost who says boop very fucking true. In fact, my friends Should we do the promo code? Yeah, what's the URL it's go.bluechew.com slash come down go there instead of the promo code because I Think the promo code is come down, but I like the I like the way just going put a going go

The convenience of writing in a longer I don't want to type shit in my dick is soft, right? That's true I've had that Fucking problem a lot. You don't want you got to go where your dick is gonna get hard. He wants your dick hard I'm not asking these questions man. Come on man. I'm not answering these questions off my dick soft When you might when my dick is hard. I'm gonna look in the mirror. I'm gonna look at my dick And when you you look at my dick And you understand that I got to suck a dick to even get it hard, right? So fucking true That's that's that's called Constitution America's law

Yes, sir, I fucked in my ass. I got fucked in my ass. Now come over here so I can suck your cock Jack you got that right Jack My man's got you think how big do you think his penis is Joe Biden? Yeah, uh, it's probably a nice six and a half No bigger than that You think seven inches. Yeah, really. Yeah, interesting definitely bigger. How tall is he? Joe Biden six one Okay, I don't know. I just guess that I Think I'm saying six and six and a half

how did uh How did hunters dick look I didn't look at the I didn't see the picture actually I saw a blurred I couldn't I couldn't find the one he's got a nice stick. I've seen it. Yeah, he's got a nice dick But it's offset by his like Karen body He's got like a mom like a kind of droopy don't people say that's dad No, it's not a dad body very much as like the the middle-aged mom that just got into like depletion exercise Like I'm taking care of myself by eating a lemon a day and running 18 and a half miles

And I've never felt I really feel like I've Detoxed because I'm shitting and pissing myself everywhere I go And I'm detoxing. Yeah, he's got that kind of body. Yeah, I know you're saying it's like from crack It's drooping but the thing that's drooping is in shape. Yeah, he looks like you know from heroin He looks like you know that picture of of like Khrushchev on vacation not Khrushchev Bresnev Bresnev swim trunks with the telephone There's a picture of oh, yeah indoor pool. Yeah, I don't know where he is

But he's on it's Bresnev on the phone and he's he's got swim trunks on Yeah, it's like that if he lost weight If that guy went on a diet and didn't lift any weight, but the cock is good. You're saying though. I don't Hunter. Oh, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yeah, I feel like Biden's got a big big I think he's probably got a honking cock. I change my mind. I'm going to seven in the quarter Hunters hunters got what I would call sort of like a workhorse What do you mean stocky like like he's like the point like kind of like a point man cock Well, so like a stocky six like a like a stocky six might be a little bit longer than that

But it's like he's got like, you know, like, you know, like it's the job gets the job done But not in a way where it like just gets the job that you know, it really gets a job done Well, yeah, it is very much out of the park I'm going to sit with workhorse because that was the word I chose And now I'm being pressured to you're putting me on the defensive to explain what I meant Which I don't like I get it. I'm just gonna Intellectually and emotionally My head back under the dragon that's it's called the under the dragon mentality

And it's part of it and eight cassette self-help program That if you call in the come town If you call in the come town at the hold on let me pull up our number again Let me see what our number is. Can you pull that up quick? It's impressive also to go along with the workhorse thing to agree Nick That he could be on smack and crack and still be horn. Well, he's probably got so you want to talk about dick pills running through That's yeah, definitely. So if you want to call if you want to call in to come town, you can order

My house help helps there is just our 410 338 1098 Or write us at 3,800 Hooper Avenue Baltimore, Maryland 21211. Oh wait, hold on Yeah Contact us by calling 410 467 3000. Yeah, and that's right. That's our number. Yeah Wait, no, hold on Adam stop mouthing things Adam is mouthing. I shit myself again at us. Come on. Stop it 410 338 1098 Yeah, and say I want this I want the dragon. I want to live under the dragon. I want to live under the dragon

That's what I was talking about. I think hell. Yeah. Yeah What do you you don't even know what we're saying dude, I know I got it once again mr. Pretendi mr. Pretendi pretend There's no shit in his ass. Now that I'm in a vulnerable place. Can I admit something to you? You're gonna show up with a bag of shit in your hand Bag of shit and in your your chair that you have to take with you Coming through the house like a woman that's just finished shopping and it like laughing already your girlfriend You're like it was so funny. I shit myself at the show No, I don't think he's good. I honestly think it's gonna be a lot lighter

We're gonna be talking about on Monday night You're gonna can't you're gonna you won't be able to contain he will yes It will take a couple days and we finally does he's gonna tell like it's a charming anecdote I feel really but I think for today, especially because she got him and I'll be dead And I want you to know how that I'll be dead by then over my dead body Hopefully hopefully that's exactly how it goes That's literally how it goes down and that and then I'll keep the patreon going until people I won't post an episode But until people on people don't notice five bucks a month

No, and that's and you know what that'll be a nice little retirement plan for me if you guys do that And that would be nice. Can I admit my my thing? Yeah, my moment of vulnerability. Sure. I I always felt like the being from Maryland thing like you guys it seemed like you share a really nice thing No, and I've I've always been like I you know, I wish that I could be part of it You know well you can't I worked in Silver Spring for you can't we're not even we're not even friends We're sort of like professional rivals. That's right. It's sort of like a Nicky louda Whoever the fucking other guy is in that movie from Russia. Yeah, I'm the hot one I'm the hot one physically, but I'm the guy who's better at driving also

So I'm combined the two characters. You don't do that. And yes, the hot one the guy who's played by Thor I would love Thor Ragnarok. That's the guy I am. I don't care if he loses. That's the guy I'm the guy that's hot. No, you're not and also the one you're the one that's better at this fucking driving I'm just but not as hot as Thor. No, I first of all I was the one that even came up with you And I was gonna actually say it, but I didn't know the thing at all No, you're gonna say formula. You're in a different movie called crush and it's about the orange soda and yeah And it's delicious and I'm drinking so and it's about my dicks like by girl It's about the reason you don't have a chair on this show. I'm on the fucking sofa. Thank you exactly because God forbid

That's the other thing too. That was also part of my clever game As I say, oh, well Adam you can't have a chair or be on the couch because Stop needs to be on the couch. Nice try privately me and Adam had a conversation I was like, can you imagine what would happen if he sat in the chair? Don't even try it I'm not interested in the chair and I sat on the box a couple times to give our friend Adam a fucking respite if I move That if I move have that if I move the sofa back, you'll notice there's a big X that says fat Why would I say that because there's a re-inforced reinforced steel all the way down through the bottom of the apartment Yeah, there's a beam. I destroyed the apartment of the people who lived downstairs to put the beam in

And I said one of my friends is morbidly obese the other shits himself I thought you put in a there's a Roman column right underneath where you're a Greek column. What do you mean? It's a Greek a column. Well, just just just like, you know, why don't you our understanding of history is Roman culture Has to prop up Greek culture and legitimize it not at all in history. Otherwise. No, why don't you show yourself again chief? That's me. Huh? Shut the fuck up. Why about that because you called it a Roman column. So if I'm going to your country When? After you go. Oh after you're gonna come at the same time. We can have my dad's birthday

I can't go at the same time. I'm there a couple weeks. Well, I might be there at the tail end. All right Well, and I'm going because I want to understand Here's something you can understand. It's not copying. It is copying Well, where are you going? Where are you going afterwards? I'm not telling you. You're going to LA. I'm going to Israel. And you know I was born there. That's you're not that's copy. You're not from LA I was born in Santa Monica St. John's Hospital. It doesn't matter Come on. St. John's ward for the criminally homosexual infant That's why I would my mother give birth because of the tests

That the fucking showed that's where she should be I'll get a test and they handcuffed her and they're like we need you to fucking I almost here. I almost died that day So what my birth? I don't care. What do you mean you almost died? There were complications He was the he was as a baby. He was so allergic to coming out of a pussy. No, he touched the pussy He was so gay. It's true. They had this is there in me He tried to he tried to hang himself with the umbilical cord Because some of his mom's pussy got on there to spank him when he was born like they do with the baby But it made him come

Yeah, like well, yeah, I don't know if he's gonna be able to handle life Well, it's cool that I could come as a baby. He's he has he's actually has the Guinness World Record Yes, it was cool of being the earliest molested baby The second second he got out. He was molested, but no other babies had that I'd like to see you But he got so hard his dick was almost a half centimeter. Yeah, just be nice I'm actually in the pen not doing record book for having the biggest dick in the world It's my record book I'm in there for it Fuck you. I don't care. You can just start your own record and his book of world records

And the only record is the biggest dick and I have it and the records are closed We are closed for submission good day In fact, we're putting you down as most annoying person to call Yes, we're calling but putting you down as biggest faggot Um, if you're a big faggot you can check out cushy cushy dreams Yep, if you're in a lot any type of person can yeah, if you're cool, too

Well, that kind of guy could be cool a big faggot and a cool guy. Yeah. Hey Hey, what sorry, what are you saying in his book that makes you a cool guy and I agree. Yeah But what I really agree on even more than that Hey zip ahead come over here a second. I got something to tell you you're trying to get high off fake weed Well, I got the perfect website for you. You're fucking dragon face retard. Okay. Yeah, it's cushy dreams.com now for gooks All right, what's the character? I don't know He was on a roll like an old like an old timey TV commercial. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but I ran out of the safe ones Right. Hey shovel face. You're looking for the safe ones. Huh? Are those the I think it's all relative for me

Those are safe. Hey. Hey retod. Yep Hey retod come over here for a second. No, it was that's what it is. It's the sham. Wow guy Hey camera guy come over here. Take a look at my fucking penis. Look at my cock Does this look weird to you? Do you think this bump should be here? Wow clean off your car suck my fucking cock Fuck me in the ass. It's that simple. It's that simple Put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. It's that simple. It's that easy Billy Mays here for my penis Billy Mays here for getting your dick sucked for oxy dick pretty cool oxy cushy for oxy dreams oxy dreams Dude, I would love oxy dreams oxy. Yeah

Fuck but instead of like instead of it not getting you fucked up. It gets you incredibly fucked up Someone's got a shit again. Yeah, I watch him shit the new pants Yeah, he shits through your fucking now he's gonna use he did this on purpose so he can use this as an excuse Anytime we're doing the show to get a couple bathroom to go to the bathroom always for whatever reason. Yep Oh, look who's back Why'd you leave when you guys talk about cushy dreams for a second while I go get my coffee cushy dreams is a fantastic product I love it as a product. It's safe. It's effective. How about a website for Adam called mushy jeans comm And that was quick it is good you fast

Yeah, you actually get out of this by complimenting me. I know your game It is true. A compliment of mine has never worked on you. I know because I know what you're trying to do What am I trying to do? You're trying curry favor. Yeah, exactly Never curry favor, which I look I've the problem is is that? Shitting your pants awful. That sucks. Even if it weren't embarrassing, which it's honestly in your 30s It's really not that embarrassing. It's just sort of a sneak preview of what life What's coming of what life is going to be in your 70s, which is going to happen Faster than you could ever remember being 15 and think about how long now think about how long ago that was

That's how soon you're gonna be 70 years old Feel like it's gonna move that fucking quickly and you're gonna be shitting yourself Your hole is gonna be looser every day. I just feel like if by the day if that's happening when I'm 70 I just hope that I have a wife and a loving family and you won't you won't and I won't and that's how I feel You'll have a you'll have a baby. Yeah, you'll have a strong That's from the strong Senegalese wrestler babies. Yeah, and that's a little preview and folks That's a little preview of the patreon. It looks like somebody has gone to the bathroom in their pants again It's time to get beat up like a sissy until you make

Make make make white people out of your penis Yep, and that's a little foreshadowing of our patreon episode Did you're gonna want to check out at patreon.com? Adam yeah, Adam just dressed up like Jussie Smollett getting beaten up by two giant He's like not my nannies Those guys fucked him too, right? Yeah, they did. That's awesome. Anyways cushydreams.com Is it really it's honestly hustle energy you guys talk about it. I love cushydreams if you know in a listen We've joked around a lot on this podcast and we're very rarely sincere

But I want to take a moment to be extremely sincere about this beautiful product that I love so much a product We use I do use it I truly do because I look I'm trying to leave a healthy lifestyle You know, I'm the 20,000 step bastard You know, I'm trying to trim down a little bit before I go to Greece hit the fucking beach with my titties looking gorgeous When I smoke regular marijuana, I'm eating everything in sight I'm wrecking my diet what I love about cushydreams is it has none of this the fucking it doesn't have the psychoactive parts of Marijuana it doesn't make me eat like a fucking asshole either and when stop goes psychoactive

That's when he really loses control go insane in the membrane, right? And cushy stream style cushy dreams is something that you can maintain control. I maintain total control my body I have you know, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I have never shit my pants on cushy dreams Some people with weak constitution shit their pants sober What I'm gonna tell you though what you want to do is go to fucking cushydreams.com and look They got all kinds of different types of fucking CBD high quality CBD and this shit is lab tested by the way It's the highest fucking goodest motherfucking quality shit. There is out there. Yeah, so you and you can get different types

There's you want to feel up you want a little pep in your step get hustle get energy They also got a fucking they also got hybrids that are more of a indica variation, which is what I tend to get I tend to wind down the body for cushy dreams a body high. Yeah, okay? I'm smoking that shit I'm drinking a fucking diet cream soda and I'm calling it an evening. I'm winding down Mm-hmm, and I like the little half gram joints. They got little packs of those they got full gram joints They even got three and a half gram tints tins and again folks. This is CBD flower This is CBD high quality premium CBD, but and it's the kind of then let me say this It's shichari Richardson was fucking Sakari Richardson. She's shikari Richard. So Kariya Richardson

So Kariya Richardson, which she's been he's a really fast hot black girl, but she talks like Benicio del Toro Mm-hmm. If she was smoking cushy dreams, she would be in the Olympics today. I love Benicio del Toro Like a guy that's what's the promo? He's been in a bunch of shit cushy dreams.com slash come town I think promo code is come town or come town 20 I think it's probably come down and you get 20% off your next order. So enjoy that you little fuckers What were you saying about Benicio? No, I was it had its moments past. No, no, no, I'm not even being bashful here It's just there was a shot to take Came and went. All right. I feel like we've been having a good one

Moving up to the caliber. I love when Benicio del Toro fucked What the fuck is her name Patricia Arquette in that Discape from Dan Amora and you could see kind of the side of her ass Yeah, she was looking rough She was looking she got fucked up for that role and I still I didn't beat off to it But if it was a more extended, uh, if let's say it was the beginning of a porno and then her tits came out And she sucked this cock. I absolutely could have jacked off to that to completion. That sounds pretty tight. Yeah guys

The events that transpired before the show have distracted us. I feel like from the most important Alright black creators going on strike on tiktok. No, that's not it. No a different black creator But who's perhaps finally been exonerated the black creator the creator Billy the creator He's like Tyler the creator. Yes who Bill Cosby Oh, who you don't know who he is a guy from Cosby show got out of jail Who he put girls to sleep he's a music he was a rapist rape them who got out of jail for

Reasons that remain unclear, but who is that I don't know You know kids say the darnest things the Jell-O commercials. Oh The guy from Jell-O commercials. Yeah. Yeah, J. L. L. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I always wondered why they had that guy on there. It's like wow Kind of didn't want to eat this shit to begin with but now oh So you knew him as a rapist in the Jell-O commercials. No, I just knew him as a guy from that. I didn't know you rape people Oh, yeah, well, he's out. Well, he got out of jail because they said that he didn't do it ever the entire his entire life He's been a great guy

Yeah You know, I mean all jokes aside People are like, what are the odds that 60 women would lie and it's like do you really want to do the math? Do you want do you want to know because I have the answer statistically nicks run the numbers On that specific question Yeah, computer survey says 101 in six Those are the odds

That's pretty good odds, but you know what that's pretty good odds, but you know five or six is even better You know also has good the same odds. What's that getting a free can of Sprite when you look under the cap One in six. Yeah, so have you ever gotten a free Sprite? I haven't had Sprite since I was a kid answer the quest I have you haven't I used to I used to fucking hit that shit all the time. Oh, really? Yeah, I guess I didn't buy that much You want to know how mentally? Not ill I would say but but just how my mind works. I remember as a kid I would win those free Sprites all the time anytime I had a Sprite It was like I looked under the cap and I got a free Sprite very nice and it would make me mad

Because I'm like I'm using up all of my luck now. Ah, yes, and later in life I'm gonna be a miserable fact. No still on the free Sprite train. The kid wasn't wrong. No, I think you did use up All right, but no, I'm still very lucky. That's true But I'm like damn it I'm using it all up. Yep. What's gonna happen when I really need it? Yeah, whenever I lose I feel like I'm closer to my next victory, but whenever I win I feel like I'm closer to my next defeat. That's the worst way to think about it, man I think it's like a kind of a Zen Buddhist way of thinking about it. No, it's that's some Wayne Gretzky shit

No, I think Wayne Gretzky loves all the shots, huh? Just why don't you just shut the fuck up and play hockey pal? They leave the leave the leave the quote doing to the gene the gene erotic like us Like us gore Vidal. Yeah smart the smart people gore Vidal's famous quote Hey Zipperhead, why don't you come over here? I don't think he said that I've got a sham wow for you Was he alive during the time of the sham? Well, yeah, he died relatively recently really yeah with like 2011 I guess that's sure. I remember him. Oh, yeah, he's probably one of those old guys. I was getting young cock

Yeah, cuz he said such witty things Yeah, like a gay version of you would suck off gore Vidal. Thank you for saying a gay version No problem You've had a rough day. I remember it was Norman Mailer that died in 2012 Somebody died in 2012. I think it might have been Norman Mailer. Yeah Mailer Hardly fucked her mail or I barely I barely knew her as a Female before she transitioned

Yeah, they're like I want to I want to get a Penis put on me so I can become a man and then the doctor goes mail or I barely knew her Yeah, they're like what and he's like, you know like Norman Mailer Yeah, like what the guy from what are you talking to all that shit? They're like, sorry I was just listening to pot. I'm listening to a podcast right now through a Hidden microphone in my ear might yep. I've got a secret service at your piece. Yes. I'm the trans doctor Yeah, you know I heard you know, imagine imagine a world where mentally retarded man is also gay It would look a little something

Like this that's a good show. That's a good show. Imagine a Chinese guy with a very big dick And he runs into the gay retard and and he's elected to be the front of the dragon And being a dragon turns him on so much that his dick is hard and pokes through the front of the dragon Dragon out of the nostril and if they they can't see which way they're going Naturally is a dragon and they walk into a child Somebody sees the penis go into the child's ass Now all of the men are on trial And I think that would go

That's awesome, that would be a really good episode Imagine an Indian woman, but she doesn't smell bad Whoa And so people think she's doing black they think it's a white lady doing blackface right because she doesn't stink and the whole town goes After and accuses her of racism And she's dragged into the town square and her clothes are stripped off and then they see that her pussy is purple They realize oh, no, it's just a non-stinky Indian woman Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

Wow! That's good, dude They are really not pulling any punches on this reboot of the fucking this is the one Jordan Peel rebooted Yeah He's allowed to do it It's a non-stinky Indian Wow, that's fucking wild shit, dude. That really is the edge of the human imagination.

It's the Twilight Zone. Suck my penis, suck my asshole. Butum, butum. Butum, butum. Butum, butum. What if the Pink Panther was real? What if it was actually a panther that was pink and he went around stealing art?

And he was sneaking places. Let's take a look, folks. No, that's the whole one. Yeah, what if when I saw the movie The Pink Panther, I thought there would be a cartoon panther in it, and there wasn't, and it made me cry. And it pissed me off. And it made me cry, because it was just a French guy.

So what if... Was he the Pink Panther? No, the Pink Panther was the thief. But there is no actual Pink Panther. That's actually mostly just from housing insulation. Yeah, I remember that commercial. I remember the pink insulation. I remember the insulation, because my dad obviously was a carpenter

and I spent a lot of my time as a child at Home Depot, and I got pissed off when I saw the cartoon, but there was nothing else kind of entertaining. I did want some insulation because of it. So the Pink Panther is the thief. Oh, yeah, because the inspector is what's his name? I thought the Pink Panther was the diamond. I don't fucking know.

No, the Pink Panther is the thief, I think. But wasn't there a cartoon of the Pink Panther, too? There was a cartoon specifically because children were upset. Right. That you thought it was a cartoon or what? Yeah, I remember my parents showing me that in B, and I was fucking pissed. Suck on my dick.

I cannot see them at all. What if the theme song of the Pink Panther is actually about sucking my dick because I'm gay? I'm fucking gay. And I need you to suck my dick because I can't. Something like this. Fuck any girls. What if you could see Winnie the Pooh's penis?

What if in the cartoon? What if he still wasn't wearing shorts, but he had a little yellow card that was visible at all times. And he would still say things like, Oh, bother. Oh, bother. But you could see his penis. And sometimes it would twitch.

And sometimes when he sneezed, it would move up and down. What if Winnie the Pooh... At a certain point, he became hard. What if Winnie the Pooh and Piglet were in a years-long gay relationship with each other? I think you would look a little like this. On the 28th. Piglet, suck my cock. Fuck me.

Fuck my ass, Piglet. I'm gay. Piglet, let me suck your curly little penis. What does Piglet sound like? Fuck my ass, Winnie. Imagine Star Wars. But instead of choking people, Darth Vader made people nut in their pants for this.

He would jack them off with a force. What if Darth Vader used his magic powers to make a woman's boobs show? That would be cool. And we saw them. And we got to see them in the theater. Then we saw it in the movie theater. And then he fucked them. I think he would go like this.

That kind of peaked with the Chinese guy, Dragon. They may have peaked there, but all of them were solid bass hits at least. That's one of those things where had I been a younger man. A straighter man. Imagine it was this podcast. But it was actually three years ago. And we still sort of gave a fuck. I can't even really pinpoint.

It was more of a gradual thing. Yes, before you realized there would never be an answer. Then this bit would be anywhere between 20 to 80% better. Even the novelty of the search wears off. And you're like, who cares if there's some meaning to life? I'm sure it would be gay anyways. I'm sure even if I figured it out, it would be fucking gay. It wouldn't be anything cool like gaming and getting pussy.

It wouldn't be those things. It would probably be some faggot god shit. Or traditional values or caring about other people. And I say nuts to that. None of that sounds fucking cool to me. All of that sounds like bullshit. Imagine a world where the meaning of life is eating pain pills and getting your dick sucked by a Chinese.

That would be fucking awesome. In a place called the That Shit Rules Zone. The fucking awesome zone. The guylight zone. Imagine the world where every bitch is Chinese and she has huge tits. Imagine a world where every woman has big, huge ass tits. But their pussies are small. And you're Darth Vader.

You can jack their pussies and see their tits whatever you want. And you can beat off through it. If you pull it, you're allowed to have a gun and make them suck your dick. And none of the other guys are Darth Vader. No one else is Darth Vader. You're the only Darth Vader in the fucking world. And also as Darth Vader you can fly. You can fly.

You can fly and you get all three of the what if superpowers. Flying stop time and your Darth Vader. And you can go to Dave and Buster's and use as many fucking coupons as you want. But you still get the... Somehow there's a value to the tickets. Even though you have unlimited. Unlimited. But it still feels like you are in there.

You still get the gratification. And also you're on heroin. But it doesn't fuck you up in any way health wise. It just feels good. There's vitamins in the heroin. And they put vitamins in the heroin. And also you've got a bunch of chimps. An army of loyal chimps.

There's a bunch of chimps that rip people's hands and faces out. The second they cross you. And they're like, Rock keep going stretch. Rock keep going stretch. We don't have an episode. Just keep saying things. Just keep saying things.

And then it's like, it's 21 minutes and 50 seconds. He's like, well I bet you'd like to see that one. But we're out of time. Wouldn't that be fucking cool? Then finally they open the fortune cookie. And it's the social security number of his dead aunt. It allows him to claim the money. To finally get the surgery to make his penis out of metal.

And the metal... And now you have a metal. And now his penis is metal. Next week's episode... Thank you folks. We forgot to utter the tape of the episode. Just describe it. Just keep talking about it.

Make me a layman or something. To avoid ladies' voice. And the bitch is like, I don't know. I don't want to suck a metal thing. What if women had a shell, like a crab. And they could open to get to their push. But there was only one giant pair of pliers left. And you had to fist fight a different guy for the pliers.

And you were also like a crab. And you had a big claw. And you just want to jack off. But you can't because you've got a big claw. Because it would chop your cock off. So your only options are rape. And you have to cut your dick off while jacking off. That would be fucked up, huh?

The guylight zone. In the fucking cool ass mother fucking zone. We get pussy, we do drugs and we get pussy. Imagine getting road head in a monster truck. And the dick suck is so good you'd run over 15 cars. And kill a bunch of people. And you think you're going to jail. But the judge is cool.

The judge is like, hell yeah, brother. The judge is Darth Vader. And he lets you off for being so evil. For being fucked up. And then the Joker is your friend now too. And you hang out with both the Joaquin Phoenix and the Heath Ledger Joker. And they say it's actually cool to watch my little pony in a twilight zone. And no one calls you gay.

And no one thinks you're a fucking loser. Imagine being able to play Nintendo DS in the girls locker room while they get undressed. And they can't see you because you're invisible. And you can have sex with them also. In the twilight zone. Fucking twilight zone. That's awesome dude. Alright, well if you want to hear about the next episode of the twilight zone, check out patreon.com.com.

Or come.town to buy shirts. That's right folks. And that's it, that'll do it. What did you like?