The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 269 – Q Framed Roger Faggit

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

what do you get when you add one six to nine eleven? ten seventeen. don't look up what that's trucker code for if you wanna sleep tonight.

In fact, some might say that not only are you extraneous, you're useless also. Some might say that some have said, many have said, what about radixuck? I'd like to get my dixuck to redundant. We started the show. Adam was supposed to go to the store to get snacks for myself, but he said, no, no, no. You didn't say that. You said, Adam, can you run to the store? I said after the episode of the TV show, I'm just going to go to sleep.

I just, well, I would I need energy for after this to do what? Go to work after this to put up with my family. What could I possibly need energy for? Maybe have a big night ahead of you. Kind of us. It is Friday. Friday night. We're recording on a rare Friday.

You're lying. No, we did it. I put my pants last Friday. I think we're we're on a Monday, Friday night prescription logo was like they just they were like, we need to come up with a logo for prescriptions. And they handed it to a guy in the office who is illiterate. Yeah. And they're like, here, do something.

We need prescriptions. And he's like, it's prescription because the P the P is the R. R has a P in it. Yeah, yeah, in the X. Why is that? Why is it RX? Because somebody didn't know how to read Roshon Roshon. Roshon. That's all right.

My name. Yeah. Look, I did the logo. It's also the R. X should just be the sound R. R. X is going to be some Latin shit, right? I know the Dominic, Pat, the Dominic, Dominic. Oh, your papers. These days. Now fuck the Pope.

The Pope can suck my fucking dick. The Vatican can lick my fucking balls. The symbol RX is saying that because it says to stand for the Latin word recipe, meaning to take recipe. Wait, so you don't like the Pope because he accepts gay civil unions? No, I would love that kind of. I love gay shit like that. You don't like him because he's nice to poor kids Catholic Church.

I'm still pissed about the schism with the Orthodox. You want to get back together. Let's get it. Let's get let's fix this up. So you're like a score index. You're pissed off. Well, first of all, we're doing great. You guys are doing the Orthodox.

This hasn't figured out we are fucking priests. Don't fuck kids. Yeah, you don't have lawsuits. No, because you're allowed to have a wife as a priest. You're allowed to get pussy as a priest in the Greek Orthodox Church because certain things run deep culturally. You're allowed to get pussy. You got to be able to get pussy boy.

No, no, no, no, no, what we don't get pussy from boys in the Greek church. Not one priest is maybe a couple, but that's me pussy from a boy. The Christian band. Yeah. That's true. What was it? Puddle. P.O.D.

P.O.D. was a Christian band. Yeah. Remember that song? So alive. We are, we are, blessed children, blessed people in the nation. Yeah. I remember that one. That was one of them.

See, now I can't really do my job because somebody didn't do her job of going and getting me chips. What kind of chips, let's just talk chips for a second. What would you like? What would you like? Oh yeah. Or some raged up Uts barbecue chips. Adam, don't touch anything at all.

Keep your fingers. Keep your fingers. You know, if you want to do something with your hands. You know, I got sticky fingers. If you got, you want to do something with your hands. Guys come. You can, you can. Don't say pussy juice.

You can crawl yourself to the corner store like a sloth and perchasse me some chips. Well, I can't, I can't even operate a doorknob because the amount of pussy. No. Stop. No. You've been putting your hands in your pussy again. That's actually true. Yeah.

Oh, it's because. No, it isn't with the point. The thing you're going to say it's not. You thought you shit your pants and you grabbed your front ass. That's right. AKA. You thought there was shit, but it was just your pussy. Your pussy was leaking.

Your pussy was leaking. Let me see that front. It's so hot out. Your pussy's sweating. I love some front. Front. Come on, bitch. Let me get a little front ass.

Let me get front. Nick's holding a gun right now. Yeah. Give me some front ass. That should be. They should. They should rescind the brandishing laws if they're pointing the gun at a woman. In a sexual and a sexually threatening way.

In a sexually threatening way. You should get. You should get an exemption. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I still think rape should be illegal. But just the brandishing. The brandishing is where.

That should be. You should get off. You just shouldn't get weapons charges. Right. Because you never know something that might spark something consensual after the brandishing. Sorry. I'm just having trouble holding onto the microphone because of all the pussy on my hand. Because you put your hands in your own pussy.

No. Because you talked about it. No. No. No. Absolutely not. There wasn't. A pussy boost.

He's got a pussy boost. You do have a pussy boost. Wait. Now you're saying it's guy's juice? It's also that. Come on, bro. It's half your pussy, half a guy's pussy. A little pussy.

A little pussy. That's you. That's not true. Bussy gay ass. Your pussy gay ass. I am G-A-Y. I'm gay. Do you know what that means?

I'm gay. Man, he was really happy about Bill Cosby for Justice Being Served. Did he say something? Yeah. Did you see that? Well, he had a video, a free Bill Cosby video. Okay. I mean now.

Yeah, I think there was another one. Oh, have you seen it or not? You think. Interesting. I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure. Why are you trying to catch me in a lie? Because you did it, man.

You did it yourself. You waited into those waters. I was all waiting for it and you said he was real happy, but we didn't see it. I was on the edge of my seat. I need to watch the video. Adam can't wait to accuse a black man of some shit. That's so true. I'm not accusing anything.

And right now he's just praying to God. Adam's looking. But if... This is why your pussy has released a video. This is why your pussy gay ass, dude. This is why you called me that. If pussy released a video. I got my own pussy, man.

I put my hands inside my own pussy, man. My front pussy. I keep my jewels. I keep my robbing jeans up inside my man pussy. I paid $1,000 for my pussy. Yeah. They probably got some nice pussies. And pussy gay ass.

Science-wise. Yeah. It must feel so annoying to be trans from the 80s. I love my pussy clean up inside my pussy jeans. You got one of the first gen pussies. It's probably like playing GoldenEye now versus playing PS5. I'm playing GoldenEye versus PS5. That's true.

Do PS5 does not look any better than PS4? It looks a little better. You have it, right? Listen, you broke motherfuckers can say whatever you want. It looks better. That's... come on, dude. Sorry. I've got a status symbol that both of you fucking losers don't.

You have a... You also have a... No, I don't. A fad of symbol. What's a fad of symbol? What's a fad of symbol? It's a pie. The Greek letter pie.

Okay. I don't... I have that. Yeah. That's very funny, though. That's one of the letters. It's pronounced B in Greek. Thank you very much. Yeah.

That's something else you put in your mouth? No. Yeah, girls actually. Yeah, it is. Yeah, girls P. Yeah, sometimes. Really? You've done that?

Squirt, certainly. No. Come on. I've gotten squirt in my mouth. Intentional P. No, I'm not a piss drinker. Not the devil's dice. I've drank some squirt that feels suspiciously like P.

How are you drinking squirt? Well, I'm not gulping it, but it gets... You've never gotten a girl busting your face like it's a cock? Actually, never. I've only been... I've only fucked squirt to happen. Oh, I eat pussy squirt, for sure. I'm in there.

That's an insane level of skill. No, it's not. It's easy. Never once have I done it with my hand. Are you kidding me? Never. You don't finger pop like a champ? Not at all.

This is the best. You're licking your finger pop. I have no idea what I'm doing. No, the two at a time, I can't do it. It's like the rub your stomach to have your head there. I literally don't know how to do it. Sometimes my shoulder, because I have a shoulder injury, that's a limiting factor.

That's a big reason I'm considering... No joke, that's one of the main reasons I'm considering getting shoulder surgery, because that slows me down. But I love a little fucking double mouth hovering on the clip, finger popping, tremendous force. I understand in theory, but it's like... It's like hitting nozzles. Don't get me wrong.

I can't do it the whole time. I'll fuck up my rhythm with one or the other. It's hard. Listen, man. I'm in the lab, eating pussy. At this point, it's like something I don't care to be good at. See, I'm all about continuing education. You're going to go to community college for it.

I've been pushing eating community college. So he tweeted, y'all don't join Bill Cosby. So there's no video. You're trying to exonerate yourself. I'm sure there's a video. Yeah, so he just briefly mentioned Bill Cosby. He's not even happy in the tweet. Why are you talking?

He's saying, don't... He has called you. Adam, he might be being harsh on you. I said he was happy that Bill Cosby was released. But you lied about knowing about a video. You at least let us on. There's a famous video of him. He says, free Bill Cosby.

You made it kind of... He's going to let it hang out there as if you had seen a new video. Let's all be fair here. I'm the arbiter of which new video he posted right after that. Nick is a little hard on you, but you are bringing it on yourself. There's a video he posted right after that of a woman eating another woman's pussy surrounded by... That's cool. Subject changing.

That's cool. See, the woman's not even doing that. Lucy? She's not finger-picking. Oh, that's pretty nice. Yeah, well, they're not. Finger... The finger-pop pussy lick is a...

Like I said, it's a finishing move. Huh? Yeah, that's awesome. That looks like a pretty cool party. Hold on. Why is he posting? He's just posting a party. He's at where two girls are eating each other's pussy.

He's just at a party. What's the comment? Yeah, what's the caption? It's a pussy badass after-party. No, it's... He has a... He said, y'all don't join Bill Cosby's team now. Y'all was clowning me at first.

Oh, nice. Them hoes lying. And then the next tweet... Them hoes lying. That's what he said in the video. And then the next tweet is a pussy badass after-party. Eat that pussy perfect. Hashtag the legend lives on.

Well, hold on. Hashtag the legend lives on. Just kind of dovetails into our shit. Yeah, I love it. It's like the tagline from the reboot of Kung Fu. The legend lives on, baby. Well, hold on. Let me just...

Can I take a look at that video again? There are so many... There are so many phones. Just... Hold on. Let me just say this dovetails into the thing, because it's like even this... This is literally perfect pussy eating.

And this one was not busting in the other one. Don't listen. This is more cinematic pussy. I'm gonna tell you, I don't understand the mechanism of squirting. I don't understand, like, what causes it. It's a pee pee. I know, but, like, what...

I think some women have squirt-specific pussies. If I had to guess. It's pee pee. And I think it's a lie. It's not a lie, Adam. You've never encountered squirting? I've encountered gushing. I don't think...

Not out of your own ass. Like 20-foot. I haven't seen a 20-foot fountain come out of a woman's pussy before. No, it's always like... It's like a water balloon popping. Something happens for sure. It's not like a pissing thing. I think it's pee pee.

I felt like I got busted. My face got busted on. What I found was that it is pee pee. This is pretty cool, honestly. That video... We should have parties like this. We should have parties where it's 25 guys with their phones out, videotaping a woman eating another woman's pussy.

That sounds cool to me. And we should call it a gender reveal party. Don't cut the phone. Turns out she's a bitch. She's getting her pussy. We could be about to code live to her gender. That would be cool to have a gender reveal party where it's like, well, is the person who's about to get their pussy eaten?

Do they have a pussy or do they have a cock? Yeah. And if it's a cock, you have to watch a guy get his cock sucked. And if it's a girl, you watch a girl get her pussy eaten. That's how I'm going to find out. I hope I have a girl. Because I'm not trying to watch no gay shit go down. I'm going to shoot my wife in the stomach.

For sure. But it'll be a blank. Everyone thinks I'm going to try to do a double homicide. Right. Everyone's going to freak out. And then there's going to be booze, smoke, or pink smoke. Are you afraid you'd kill her because you'd be too close? Are you going to kill the baby or something?

Adam's going to die in a double team aside. All right, so you guys fucked him to death. That's not a real story. It is. He got double team aside. Is that really what's going to happen to you, Adam? Double team aside starring Martin Lawrence. No, that's not.

Well, do you think it's within the realm of possibility? That's not how I'm going to die. We all know how I'm going to die. Martin Lawrence and Josh Hartnett started double team aside. Those are pretty cool guys. Somebody fucked him in his mouth. Yeah, well, I think somebody fucked him in his ass. You two are going to have to learn how to work together.

Fuck you, rookie. The cum is in his mouth. You guys are going to have to learn how to be work as a team. Act two, it turns out we were both right. Right. Adam was being fucked in his mouth and his ass when he died from it. How much do you think? How much pussy do you think?

And then in act three, they buy a zoo. 2021, Josh Hartnett's getting a ton. More than you. He's hot. He's hot, dude. What kind of question? He hasn't been in anything in the 20 years. There's a guy.

There's a guy who like is the assistant use car sales manager. And like a car. We get pussy. Who's still fucked. Yeah. We get pussy. Josh Hartnett gets pussy. Women probably think he's a loser since he's only been in maybe four or five

movies. Yeah. Yeah. He's handsome. Yeah. Do you think Pacey from Dawson's Creek is going to. I don't know. I don't want to watch.

But yes. And also stealing my references, by the way. I said Percy and that was on Monday. I remember. So you do remember exactly. I didn't. So you did. So you admit it was a mental note.

Adam. Sometimes I made a mental note of the boozy line and stealing the reference. I didn't say that. There was a boozy video. I said you. I said that he was. You applied that you had seen one. No.

I said. He was happy. Cosby got out of jail. That's it. There was an original video where he said. A liar. Why are you? You were just guessing.

Stealing references. Stealing references. I'm trying to think of teens. You know what this is like. I got it. Hold on. See from Dawson's Creek for me. You know what this is like.

Pacey. This is like this is like when a cop goes in short for Percival. Pacey is his name is Percy. You're. I love gay shit. With your gay. California. You miss her.

The name. I'm from Nevada. I'm from Nevada. But I do have a more Cali style of ear. Everyone knows that. It's pierced in the game. I have like a chill Cali style ear. It's like his ears are gay.

That's he only hears. He can hear a man's zipper going down. Two miles away. From 15 miles. One time there was a guy. He was in a rest stop on I-10. All the way out in India. And he unzipped his penis.

Wow. And Adam could hear his penis brushing past the zipper. And he was in Santa Monica and he said. That's got to be about probably seven soft 15 hard. People are like what are you talking about. And he's like they're like that's Adam. He's the penis whisperer. He can echo low.

He can hear. He can hear a cock. That's awesome. He's out in the desert. They call him the California ear boy. The only thing he can't do is watch Dawson's Creek and hear the name of. Hear Percy's name correctly. It's pasting.

I have no I don't know. I can't weigh in on this because my dick is too hard. That show is depressing. Dawson's Creek? Yeah. The whole WB lineup it was all like. Because I remember as a kid it was like hot teenagers that were sad for some reason. After it was black.

And I'm like damn first of all I'm going to be a fucking fag when I'm in school. Right. Check. Correct. And you were right. Your instincts were correct. But it's also like I'm not going to be one of these people. And they're miserable.

Yeah. So what the fuck am I going to be doing? Yeah. Even the guy the hot guys that get pussy feel like this. I used to think it was going to be like a cruel intentions where like. I was going to wear a duster and get pussy. It was like cruel intentions for you but you were. What was that bitch's name?

Selma Blair. Selma Blair. Dude. She's a 10 in that movie. She plays a retard. That's who you are. You're a retard to get used by guys. And girls too.

Oh she gets you fucks a girl. No she makes out with Sarah Michelle Geller. It was a big moment in my life. Adam's Ryan fill up me. Yep. I think Ryan Phillip. He's a cool guy. You're not him.

Adam was almost about to say wow he probably gets zero pussy. No he gets pussy dude. He probably gets off McGroober alone. Yeah. He gets put. He gets that comedy pussy. He got pussy from Sarah Michelle didn't he? No.

Wasn't he married to the other blonde bitch? I thought he was married to Sarah Michelle. No idiot. Or Jennifer Love. No. I bet African people love saying the name Sarah Michelle Gellers. Sarah Michelle Geller. I know.

They love it. It works so good. They can't help but really get into it. It sounds good. I am watching a buffet the vampire slayer with Sarah Michelle Geller. This morning I woke up. I had a banana. Okay.

And then a coconut. I had my usual breakfast of a banana and then a coconut. Maybe oatmeal. I don't know. No. No. What? Let me ask you Stavros.

What are you talking about? Oh yeah. You don't know what oatmeal is? No. You've never heard of oatmeal? For breakfast we have either banana or coconut. What about eggs? Or maybe McDonald's breakfast.

Okay. All right. So you know about McDonald's breakfast at least? Maybe McDonald's celebrates black history. Right. Only in February. Do you have McDonald's breakfast? McDonald's comes to Africa for one month out of the year.

Oh, it was Reese Witherspoon. That's what I, exactly. The Googler. No. The Googler. Starring Adam Friedland. I knew. I didn't need to know anything.

I didn't. I forgot. I was about to say he was married to Legally Blonde, but it had moved on to the African Sarah Michelle Gellert. I know. Imagine a racist bit stealing lot. And a reference copy. That's so awesome to be mad.

He steals your references. A reference copying bit stealing lot. Copy references dude. He's a huge little boozy of. I said that he was happy that Bill Cosby got out, which is correct. Oh, and what I was going to say had I not said that we wouldn't have seen that cool video of those chicks eating each other's pussies. But what I'll say, Adam, is that what you did is kind of like when a cop breaks into

a place without a warrant, because he knows he's going to find what he wants, but he doesn't have the lead. You didn't have. You didn't do the necessary. Can you put your glasses back on? I know. Your eyes are fucked up looking. My eyes are tired.

No. Something fucked up about you without glasses. Just got a bad face. It's really honestly is throwing me off. You're not. You're really not. It's untrustworthy. You've taken like two good pictures without people say I look lizard.

Yeah. I look a little bit lizard. Did you put them back on? There you go. I don't. There's like a vertical blinking happening. Come on. That's not true.

Just for one second. I'll put them back on. My eyes are a little tired. We've been looking at screens. We were watching. We watched. What the fuck does that mean? My eyes are tired.

We've been looking. We watched two episodes of the TV. They make your eyes look smaller. And I like that. My glasses. The glasses. I have beautiful eyes. What are you talking about?

I have green eyes. There's something about. It's the rarest. It's the rarest color that you can have of eyes. I have beautiful eyes. Wait. You have brown eyes. And they look retarded.

I look good. You look kind of retarded actually. I look good. Are you doing a cross-eyed thing? No. You're doing a slight cross-eyed thing. I'm not doing a slight cross-eyed thing. It's a very funny look.

This is just one of my. You ever see people like that where they got a slight cross-eyed? Yeah. You can't get out of your head. You can't really tell. And you just stare so intensely. Some people that are like they have one eye that's crossed but only when they look a certain direction.

You don't know which one. They look fine and then they'll turn. You'll be like, yeah, this guy's pretty normal. And then you'll be like, you want to go to lunch sometime? They're like, what's that? You'll be like, ah. No. And then which one is the normal one?

I almost hung out with a retard. I almost made friends with a fucking disabled retard by accident. Have you guys ever had that? They had like walleye. They had like this thing going on. Have you guys ever had the impulse to fuck a cross-eyed girl and see if her eyes could go regular? I did.

I dated one for fucking years, dude. Really? But she had that where it was only like. Did her eyes go regular when he fucked? That's hard. What's that? Did her eyes go regular when you fucked? No.

I was mostly when she was drunk and she was yelling at me. You would get fucked up. Yeah. One of Eldis' eyes started to fucking wander when he gets drunk. Yeah. Well, she had like her eyesight was like dog shit. So when she had her contacts in, it wasn't a problem. But if she wasn't wearing glasses and didn't have her contacts in, she was drunk.

She'd be like, you don't care about me. I'd be like, all right. Well, you look like the fucking bad guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit right now. What he reveals is an evil cartoon. That must be cool to get your dick sucked by somebody cross-eyed. Oh, yeah. You know? It feels like she's really focusing right on your cock.

And then when you whistle the Twilight theme song while it's happening and they're spinning their eyes, they're just spinning in different directions. It's like getting your dick sucked by a tape recorder. That's awesome. That's really fucking cool stuff, man. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of cool shit. Remember when I sucked your brother's dick, Eddie?

I took just like this. Dude, that's, I've said it before, but the movie scared me when I was a kid. Roger Rabbit. Yeah. There was some scares. I love that. And I wanted to fuck. I both was horny and scared.

No, you weren't horny yet. I was, bitch. You hadn't discovered pussy. I was. Now you're lying on stuff or something. I didn't get horny. You were, you were really on one. You told me in confidence you didn't get horny for pussy until 27.

I guess we should, we should mention, I guess we're just cruising along here, but, uh, fucking, if you want your dick pain, if you want your dick hard, dick hard. Call, call in now to bluechay.com. Yep. Calling right now where we will promise with, to give you the finest chewable tablets to make your dick stiffer than a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. So sir, heavy as shit, stiff as a board.

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The guy on the website looks like he might be straight, might be gay, might be a Democrat. He's got, he's got to be a Republican. He's got an Apple watch with the Hermes band. Oh, Hermes. Yeah. This is like the perfect guy to cast in like a pharmaceutical. This guy gets poof. He's gay.

This guy gets pooswa. That guy's gay. But he could be like a middle American straight guy. No, he couldn't. That's just no chance. He has a little bit of money. Now hold on. He's got the black packaging and I've never gotten that.

That's why I got the gray ones. You get gray with Seattle, which you just added yourself as gay by your own metric. Well, I don't take it and it doesn't work for me because I'm taking the wrong cotton. They work for everybody else. If you want to make sure you order the right Madison, I am deliberately not doing that to prove to prove that you're straight. That I'm straight. They come in 30 milligrams and 45 milligrams thing.

You get the Viagra. That works. That doesn't really prove anything. Right. You know, that's a really good point specifically. You know, I actually just said, wait, I just got an email from Bluetooth. They've been marketing it wrong the whole time. Actually, Seattle's is for straight guys and Viagra is for gay guys.

So if you've been taking Seattle's and your dick isn't getting hard, that means you're gay. Viagra is for... Well, I got another email from them that said you're fat. Why would they say... They don't know who I am. They said, here's all those medical files. Well, he didn't refute the gay part. I said, please.

That's what's important. I am fat. I'm by own being fat. He is fat. So what? So what? I'm sorry that I said you didn't discover pussy until later. Apology accepted.

I didn't mean it. I was in a combative mood. I didn't mean... 100% US licensed medical providers. I'm sorry. I lost my head. I'm trying to get the job done. He's going to use that as a way to...

As an in. Well, the thing is, you are gay. We just proved that you're gay. No, we didn't. And so now Adam can build. Yeah. Now that we know we're the two straight guys on the podcast. We can build a life together in San Francisco.

Yeah, having sex with the girls. You and a bunch of gay guys taking up all the real estate. And you left us all the pussy. I live in Boston. You live in a neighborhood in Boston. Yeah, Boys Town, Boston. Gay Southie. You live in Gay Southie.

I live in Boxbury. Hey, go give me a push. Some cock. Kid. Hey, kid. In Boxbury. Hey, kid. We bury our kids in Box.

No, you don't. No, absolutely. I do. You live in Gay Southie. I do. You live in Gay Southie. And you suck cock. Adam goes.

Adam is going to school in Boston on break from San Francisco. And he's goes to am I gay? The answer is yes. There's no question. He's spending four years getting a master's degree and whether or not he's gay. And he writes a 400-page thesis that the answer is yes. Yes. Wow.

Well, then that $200,000 would be worth it. And what got, and what helped you get through those nights when you were so, you had studied so hard, your date could get hard, was the chewable tablets from Bluetooth.com. I'm on the pro. And they're 100% US licensed medical providers. I'm on the pro plan. Prescription consultation for Sedanaphil or Tadalaphil, professional ED focused medical support, no waiting rooms, no appointments, it's just like a Skype interview or something.

Mm-hmm. 45 milligrams Sedanaphil or six or nine milligrams Tadalaphil chewable tablets. Beautiful. And I love these tablets, man. They get my dick whistling. Oh, they're incredible. And I'm on the pro plan. What's that?

It means that I get salataphil, 45 milligram, 34 chewable, 45 milligram tablets a month. Wow. So I'm on the pro plan, nine milligram, 28 times a month. Awesome. That's awesome. You need a dick pill. And those pills, I believe, last three days. Yeah, man.

I think 72 out. Yeah. I'm just trying to be hard all month long. Mm-hmm. And you can do that at Bluetooth. Go.bluetube.com. Slash. Come town.

Slash the liar, Adam. And you will. Why did you have to throw that in? It's part of the rad read. I guess they have a lawsuit on their hands. Oh, yeah. They're slandering me. Oh, yeah.

And by the way, folks, when your dick's not getting hard and you want to go see some beautiful stand-up comedy live, you know, I'm on tour. Right before I leave for the tour, if this hasn't been out yet, July 20th, I'm at Union Hall. So go get tickets for that. Portland is starting in August, I'm in Portland, Seattle, Utah, ACME in Minneapolis, San Antonio, Cleveland. I will be at FACME in my ass. I will not be at FACME in my ass. FACME in my ass. I will be at ACME in my ass.

Please, FACME. I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarities. There's no way you can make that sound gate. Oh, I will. Phoenix at the House of Comedy, Madison. I'm at Orleans Tampa. He said Phil Cavity's Comedy Club would come. All of his cavities, he wants them to.

And he's at the House of the Rising Cock Comedy Club in Phoenix. That's not true. I'm in Detroit. I'm in Columbus. I'm in Boston. I'm in Tampa. Tampa at fucking Side Splitters. Oh, go there.

Also, according to Bluetooth.com. And it's not Guy Splitters, by the way. They've been featured on the Eric Bischoff podcast. It's in Wide Splitters, and it's about his pants. That's pretty good. Come see me at Wide Splitters. It could be gay. It could be fat.

And also on part in the interruption with Tony Kornheiser. Wow. Tony Kornheiser gets his dick hard with these tablets, huh? Listen, if it's good enough for the corn dog. If it's good enough for fucking, you know, PT, Will Bonn. If it's good enough for Will Bonn and Tony. Will Bonn say no, dude. I'm not with that.

My dick stays hard. I think both of those. Honestly, that's the best show on ESPN besides whatever is, I don't know. I like Scott Van Peltz Sports Center. I like Stephen S. Smith yelling at you also. It's a cool move to just hijack somebody else's sponsorship. Who are we doing that with Frankie Mutas? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's into Ridge Wallace. Oh, okay. I thought he was with Bluechip. No. But his dick, he probably, I bet you Malcolm's dick gets nice and hard. Well, he's a genius. Maybe he developed Bluechip.

What if he and Josh Hartnett are the ones that fuck? What if him and Josh Hartnett fuck? Fuck each other? Yeah. Hartnett's definitely top. I think that'd be better for Mutas than Hartnett. I'd say. Oh, yeah.

Career-wise, like just in terms of, if he ends up in the papers, because he's getting cocked from Hartnett, that'd be pretty good. I'd be happy for Mutas. Yeah. Let me see how tall Josh Hartnett is, because I want to think about who fucks who. Josh Hartnett's 6'3". Frankie Mutas is what, like 5'6"? Damn.

I want to see, I'm going to watch, rewatch Black Hawk down now. Never seen it. You haven't seen it? No. He's 5'5". Oh, dude. Hartnett is absolutely pounding Frankie Mutas. Black Hawk down 4K.

He's fucking spinning him on his cock. That would be awesome to watch. Black Hawk down 4K, Blue Ray. Let's see what they got there. Let me just search Frankie Mutas. Sure. Let's look up Frankie Mutas penis. Is that out there?

I'd love to see what his cock looks like. Let's go ahead and take a look. Dude, yeah. Mutas. You're listening to the Michael Douglas, let me see a penis podcast. So, Mutas is 35, and he's 5'5". Oh, Hartnett's 42. Dude, the fact that you, I'm so pissed off again that you asked if this guy gets pussy.

He's a 42-year-old millionaire. Yeah, I don't know. Who is famous. It was like a question you would ask. What the fuck? You would say, oh, you think that guy is fucking dumb as fuck? This guy honestly says something dumb as shit. You're right.

It is what you would do. And by the way, I'm playing a sophisticated character on this podcast. Yeah, me too. Okay? I'm not. In real life, I'm the dumbest of the three. We all know that. On the podcast, I'm also the dumbest of the three.

There's a zero difference between me. You get what you see with me. You get what you deserve. What you see is what you get, dude. That's true. Josh Hartnett is with someone named Tamsin Eggerson. Sometimes people will defend me to my own face. What do they say?

People don't realize you're doing a character. You're not actually, you know, you got bad opinions or whatever. What do you do? You shot the slur at them? No, I just go totally. That's so true. In my mind. Thanks, bro.

Yeah, I'm thinking I could kill you right now. And no one would know. You're like, that's so true. Now take your fucking pants off. Yeah, take your pants off. And get on the fucking couch. Take your pants off, dad. That's what you get for defending me.

Damn, I haven't bought any DVDs in a while. What are you thinking? Well, I just bought Black Hawk down on Amazon. Just now, like this instant? Just this sexual second. Respect. You bought the Blu-ray? Yeah, the 4K Blu-ray.

Very nice. Maybe Casino? Oh, yeah. That's a good one. 40 days and 40 nights. That's the one where you couldn't jack off. You can't bust for 40 days. He has to blow that one with a feather.

That's the way Stav has shot. Shannon Sasselman. That's how I have it. Stav puts a little Hershey's kiss wrapper in the woman's pussy and then blows it up her body. She's like, what are you doing? I can't have Hershey's kisses for 40 days and 40 nights. But I can put them inside your pussy and let them melt in there and they need you out. She's like, why are you doing this?

And he's like, for Lent. That's true. I'm really religious. That's the premise of that movie. He's not allowed to bust. For Lent? Yeah, but then he meets the hottest bitch in the world. I thought that movie would be funny if it was like the reverse of shallow howl.

There's not a reverse where he can't bust for 40 days so he's dating this girl and they cast a super hot actress in it. Shannon Sasselman. I love her. But then at the end of the movie, he nuts and then they change the actress. She's fat. Yeah, it's like Sandra Bernhardt. She's hideous and she's already being annoying.

Yeah, she piled on to me online once. Who's Sandra Bernhardt? Yeah. Why? She's a fellow worm of the desert. A fellow desert worm. We're not helping my case anymore. Yeah, she called me.

She was one of the people that called me an anti-Semite during the Hillary Clinton or Chelsea Clinton. Well, you deserved it. No, I didn't deserve it actually. I think you did. No, I don't think it's fair. Well, Sandra Paul Blart. I guess you're on her side. We're going to have to agree to disagree.

Sandra Paul Blart would have been good. I wish I had that done. Yeah, I wish you had anything ever. Well, you know, one could dream. Yeah, I got something you could dream about. One could dream. I got a one you could dream about. What is that?

The inch of your dick. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to have a dream about my own penis. My own small penis. And nicks. You actually both have one inch. Well, one specific inch somewhere in the middle. Oh, I see.

You could dream about that. That's the only one you allow out of a dream about. I call that one of the cars on the train. That's true. That is true. My dick is a tram. Is it a tram? Yeah.

Straight to a... I had it medically reduced in sections every three-quarters inch. That's awesome. So it resembled sort of a train with cars. And then I had a smokestack added to the hand. That's awesome. Does it go through? Yeah.

Do you come up? Yeah. And then Tom is the tank of his face tattooed on the front. That's awesome, dude. Did you put wheels on it? Yeah. Yeah, you got wheels. On my asshole.

It says, welcome to Shine Time Station, bitch. That's awesome. That's really cool to do that to your cock, man. That's really cool. Thanks. I'll be shy. So there's holes in between the cars? Yeah.

He gets it reduced around between the cars. Did that hurt? It was excruciating. Yeah, but it's worth it. It's like getting a tattoo. It takes about nine months to heal. And they have to re-route your re-through through your ass. So you kiss out your ass for that?

Yeah, and it's a different sensation than having to shit or whatever. So you have a cloaca, basically. Your ass is a cloaca. And I lay eggs also. One way traffic. I reproduce asexually and I lay eggs. Does it hurt when you get fucked in your ass? I don't get fucked in my ass.

No, he just pisses and shits and lays eggs? Yeah. I'm going to need a yes or no answer. He reproduces asexually. I reproduce asexually. So I lay eggs and then I... So your dick is just more of a trophy at this point? Yeah.

Well, some would say they just started off that way. No, none would say that. Many would say... None would say it started off as a trophy. No, they would say that. I don't believe they would. Yeah, they would say that. I'm going to say they wouldn't.

I'm going to have to go ahead and say that they would say that. No. In fact, if I had to file that one away, I'd put that in the file labeled things they would, some would say. And then we're going to slide that drawer closed, lock it up. We're actually not going to do that. And I've actually been hired as the new office manager at that office.

It's digital. Boy, oh boy, things are messin' here. Things are in the wrong location. Really? Specifically that last file. Oh, you got it. I would actually put that in an even bigger file cabinet called No They Wouldn't.

And I would also... That doesn't seem very specific. Well, for file cabinets... That's what a fucking idiot would say. Really? Who doesn't understand how filing cabinets work. No, you have to have a kind of a logical system where you know how to find things.

Stick to your own fucking bullshit, pal. You know, I was looking at the... I used to be a fucking... I used to work at a testing center in the community college of Baltimore County. So you know. So I know how to fucking file shit. I used to work at the grad school

at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, as well, filing things. In fact, one time, I went to work and there was a... A diaper on your body? Because you go to the bathroom in your pants? Real quick, we want to talk about super organics. Oh, already?

Yeah. Okay. I think we're late on the first one. You know what? Why don't you... Adam, what is with you today? You're being... Yeah, you're being...

We haven't had an afternoon episode in a while. Yeah, and who's fault is that? Spicy. Who's fault is that? Look, your pants are unzipped, too. Well, I had to go piss, and I wanted to... And they're all the way up where your vagina starts. Your mom vagina.

My vagina starts high. Your mom pussy starts high. Mom pussy. Starting at the middle of your chest. Your mom pussy starts real high. Yeah, because when you become a mom, you ain't nothing but a big old pair of tits. And a fat pussy.

That's all you are. Big, fat, mommy-type pussy. I believe what is inscribed under the Statue of Liberty. That's true. If you could only lift up this fucking tunic or whatever this bitch is wearing, you would see one of the fattest pussies you've ever laid eyes on.

Check out this ice cream cone I'm bringing to my husband. And the French or Italians or whoever made it. The French. Underneath, you can really see that whole pussy. And I wear this spiky hat because, although I do suck my husband's dick constantly, I'm not allowed to touch my hair, which is the only part of me I can maintain anymore.

Right, right. But it is lustrous. So it prevents my husband from touching my $6,000 haircut that I have to get every two weeks at the salon where I gossip. That's right. Where I gossip. And I say, girl, you think your pussy's trash.

Just look at this thing and I lift up my shirt. It's filled with immigrants on vacation. Now they're in my brain. Wow. The Statue of Liberty. Yeah. You used to be able to. You still can.

4911. You used to be able to go into the torch. I know that. You still can go up in the Statue of Liberty. I don't think you can go. You can go in the face. You go in the head. You can play with your tits.

Can you? Really soft. Oh, actually, I went up the Statue of Liberty. I totally forgot. Oh, my God, Adam. You're on one. Super organics. You're on one this episode.

I'll show you a picture. Super spesiosa. Getsuperleaf.com. Do not derail the ad. Adam, we're finally on the ad. What are you saying? Because they are very particular about the way we discuss. Yep.

Crate them. One of the finest things in the world. Not only in a picky sense, in terms of being not, you know, because maybe we've walked the line a little bit. Sure. But also because it's barely legal. And this shit is so good that it shouldn't be. And that's good.

And I'm saying that as somebody who doesn't think. Barely legal stuff. Look, coming from somebody who doesn't believe, I won't take the vaccine. Yeah. I don't think the virus is real. I don't trust the government. And because I don't trust the government, that's why I think this shit, it seems like the kind of thing the government would make illegal.

Right. Instead of filling you all this poison. Exactly. The poison in the Moderna vaccines. And this stuff, which is from the earth, by the way. We got that. It's from Mother Earth. Yeah.

Sexual. And many have called creative mother guy is pussy flakes. It's from that. There's a sacred grove in between Mother Earth's big floppy tits and her tall pussy. Right. And inside that strip is a plant that grows in Southeast Asia called creative. I think. I think it's called the special.

So special. Special. Special plant. And it's got names like Trong, Madoc, Galang. I think is one of them. The other one's thing. Delicious. Dingbat, gawk, fuck, suck.

And there's a red one. There's a white one, which I gravitated to for some reason. The white or the red? The white one. I was like, that's for some reason. Something about this color. This one is the one. No, it seems not pure.

Yeah. You're right. I guess I'm the kind of guy that I like all the colors the same. Yeah. Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? Can you suck with all the colors of my penis? Can you fuck me with all the colors of my ass? Yeah.

A lot of good stuff. A lot of questions. When you're under the influence of Kratom, you ponder that kind of philosophical stuff. Yeah. And I don't want to say under the influence of it, because that makes it sound like a drug. Yeah. Whereas this is more of a supplement, I think, or something.

And it makes you feel, it's energy for you. Yeah. It juices you up. All right. I'm off caffeine. I'm on fucking Kratom these days. Yeah. And I've never gotten more done in my life.

Trying to get more energy or stop smoking other stuff, right? No. No, that's another reason. That's a different company. Never mind. Idiot. Yeah, but we got the shit that the government got. That's the point.

The AK-47 Kratom. Yeah. They made this shit in the fucking lab in New Mexico. They made this in the lab. A lot of people think Kratom comes from Southeast Asia, but actually it was the fucking aliens that brought it from, they come from a planet where the laws of thermodynamics don't apply. Yeah. Really?

And as you know, the law of thermodynamics dictates that if something fucks you up, like real good, it's got to be fucking horrible for your body. Absolutely. And Kratom's not like that. It's good for you. Yup. That's right. There's literally zero side effects or any risk.

I don't think it's, it's got some kind of toxicity, but you'd have to take enough of it to, I don't know, it's good stuff. It's some of the best stuff there is. And again. Good shit. It's really fucking good. It's good and it comes in a powder or capsules. And that's how you know it's quality.

When things come in two different ways. When there's two ways you can get a thing. I'm sitting there, I'm looking at both. I'm like capsules and powder? Where the hell are we? Jesus fucking Christ. What is this? A Bob Evans?

What is this fucking Bob Evans? Kratom, super speciosa. It's like the Bob Evans are getting fucked up. That's right. Exactly correct. And that's their motto. And you can check it out at getsuperleaf.com slash come town or come town 20. Something like that.

The important thing is that you definitely use come town. I found the picture of me on the Statue of Liberty. Let me see it. You're not on the Statue of Liberty. Yeah, I am. No, you're not. I went to it with my girlfriend. No.

What are you doing? Look, let's have the statue. Okay. Maybe you are there. Why would I lie to you? We're going to have to type in getsuperleaf.com. You know, folks, let's all together. We're going to type in get superleaf into my email.

Yeah. And find the thing that they wanted me to say. Let's do that. Because I can tell you right now, I am forgetting something. And you know why I'm forgetting it? Because I didn't take my fucking Kratom today. That's fucked up. Which helps me with the chronic pain I feel as somebody that has had several failed suicide attempts.

And my thing is, I keep making the wrong move of trying to draw and quarter myself. How do you get make the wrong move? Well, what I do is early in the morning, I go to the FedEx distribution center in Queens. And I quietly tie each one of my limbs to a different truck in the parking lot. Interesting. And they always find me. Wow. And they say, look, we know you're just waiting for the trucks to depart to rip yourself into

four pieces in our parking lot. You're just sitting in the middle of the parking lot. We can see you. We're not going to drop the trucks. And then I say, well, what if I called you guys faggots? And then they beat the shit out of me. But you don't get to have your arms and legs. I don't get my arms and legs.

So you're tied up. I'm tied up. And you're threatening them. Yeah. And they beat me up because they're all union tough guys. Right. And I say, OK, well, we'll see what happens next time, Mr. FedEx. And then so anyways, my joints are in a lot of pain.

And that's why I take cratum. So one day I'll have the strength to trick those FedEx men into severing my body. Ripping you limb from limb. Yes. Splitting you in the middle like a fucking spatchcocked chicken. Like a fascist leader would be. Yes. To give you the Mussolini.

You're an aging millennial with new aches and pains. Cratum is great for pain relief. If you hurt your back or pull a muscle from all the fucking, unwind with a glass of cratum tea. Right. Check. That's weird. A glass of tea.

What a cup of tea. Yeah, it would be a cup of tea. Or if you're British, they say cuppa. A cuppa. No. Do they? Beetlejuice green. Who?

Beetlejuice green. Beetlejuice green. From the Howard Stern shop. Get superleaf.com slash come town. Beetlejuice green. You know his last name. Lester green. Super specialist says 100% all natural.

It's only got one ingredient. Cratum leaf. I love one. It can improve your mood, deliver energy, and reduce the pain. Cratum helps you feel better. It's also used to relieve stress and take the edge off. And every batch of super specialist has a QR code that you can scan. Nothing I love more than scanning my technically legal drugs.

To view the exact lab certificates so you know you're getting a high quality product. The good shit, my brother. This isn't some gas station bullshit. This ain't bullshit. This isn't your many dirt. Come on, man. They're good people. Oh, really?

Is that what you read online? No, that's what I see every day when I go to my deli. Is that what you took? Because they hate you. They don't hate me. I agree with you that they're good people, but they probably do hate you. I dab them up. I say bacon, egg, and cheese, boss.

Then I say, thank you, poppy. If you're not completely satisfied, Super Specialiosa will give you your money back. That's awesome. You believe that? I love that. So go to getsuperleaf.com. That's a great deal. Slashcom town for 20% off your entire order.

Go ahead. Order $1,000 worth of Cratum. You get $200. You could place an order today for $30,000 worth of Cratum. And then with that 20% off, you could take the 20% of what you bought and sell that at market rate. You could start a resale business. That's fucking easy, brother.

And then buy Bitcoin with it. Let me tell you. You want to make $1,000,000 overnight? Can the government ever find out? $1,000,000 overnight. Yeah, overnight. You buy $20 million worth of Cratum. Using promo code COMTOWN.

Yep. And you get 20% off of that. 20% of $20 million is a million. Smart of you to choose $20 million, by the way. Really nicely done. So you spent $19 million. Yeah, but you keep that $19 million. You have a million.

And you flip that. And you flip that million, the extra million. And then you have all the Cratum. You have $19 million worth of Cratum, but then you also sell the free 20%. You flip the $1 million. You flip that. You got a million dollars, pal. That's right.

You would have to resell $20 million worth of Cratum. I also think that's 5%. How hard would that be? Shut up. Because here you do. Here's what you do. You buy $100 million worth of Cratum. With promo code COMTOWN.

Then you get 20 million. Then you get 20 million. That's 20%. Adam, I swear to God, this episode. You say, who's going to buy $20 million worth of Cratum? Here's what you do. Is you say, if you buy $20 million of Cratum at the same market rate, you get 15% off your order.

That way it's incentivized because somebody's going to come along and they say, well, if I only have, I have $20 million, but if I had 15%, I can flip that. They do it for 10%. This is basically Reagan's trickle-down. What happens with all that extra Cratum? You put it in your garage. You sell all of it. You sell all of it.

No. You have it in your garage. You have a lifetime supply of Cratum. And you tell your bitch wife to shut the fuck up about parking the cars outside. Yes. Because you've got a garage full of Cratum right now, buddy. Yeah. The car, she doesn't know how to drive, by the way.

And you have dreams. Because she's a bitch. She's a bitch. And she doesn't know how to drive. Yeah. I put a man-only transmission in this car. You got to insert your penis underneath the steering wheel for it to turn on even. There's a slot.

Hey, come on. Some women have cocks. Oh, I forgot. They know how to drive. I forgot we're living in a brave new world. Some women have beautiful fucking cocks. Including your wife. And if you like that, you can check out patreon.com slash hometown.

If you're feeling like this one's a little low energy because somebody didn't get his chips for the team. I thought this was fun. Oh, you thought this was fun? I don't feel like I'm having fun. Oh, you thought this episode, you've done nothing but try to ruin and derail by stealing references. By being referenced.

It's a reference. I'm stealing. It's so awesome. Percy. Being mad at someone's mentioning a thing you mentioned a week and a half ago. Percy. And it's like, it's hilarious. And it also is, you do have a point too.

That's what's awesome about it. No, he doesn't. It's a little bit of a small point. Don't even give him a small point. And yours, by the way, Adam likes to hover his dick around the woman's ear and it's like. It has a frequency to it. What's the what is that?

What's the vibration? It's a mosquito's nose. No, the frequency is actually it's like. So she doesn't feel when you fuck her, but afterwards her pussy. It's just really bad. That's me. I would never do that to a lady. You wouldn't.

That's what your dicks like though. You can't help it. My penis was like a mosquito. I just eat pussy and then go home on the bus. You'd suck. You'd suck it with your nose. Oh, dude, that's horrible. Yeah.

That's just the sound of Adam snorting up pussy juice. A woman shaking like one of the like brain bug victims and Starship Troopers and then going home. That would be awesome. That's good when you can make a bit shake. Yeah. When I watched that movie as a kid, I always imagined putting my dick in that thing's tube. My dick sucked by the brain bug.

I always imagined that you could shower with chicks in the future. Yeah. That's what a gay kid would think. No, I think that's a smart kid. Once you see Denise Richards in a shower would think. No. See, if you got your dick sucked by the brain bug. I wouldn't want her to see my soft dirty little penis.

If you got your dick sucked by the brain bug. Yeah, some listening. It would assimilate the knowledge of your dick. Right. And then the entire bug species would be aligned in your goal of fucking Denise Richards. And they would be on your side to make that happen. So they would corner her until she fucks you. That's right.

You'd have a brain bug army. You are the smart one, Nick. Now I'm wondering though, wouldn't that be right? Don't you dare in a weak convention, Starship Troopers. I will forget about this completely. I can't wait till you do. I brought up Denise Richards. Nick has done something in your brain that will happen.

You can almost say that Adam's a brain bug and he's sucking my dick for knowledge. Knowledge about... How does the brain bug work in that movie? It's like jams and needle into people's brains and sucks their brain out to like steal their knowledge. Oh, and then it immediately spreads it within all the bugs. I mean, well, it's like the mastermind bug. They have a hive mind.

That movie rocks, dude. It's really good. Especially the part where they get to shower with chicks in the army. That is a cool part. I saw that at Easter one year when I was like, I don't know, nine. I thought it was one of the coolest things ever. My dick, my little prick got fucked. It was jumping.

I was like, what the hell is this? I could have had Starship troopers instead of getting the Scarface troopers. A bunch of coked up millionaires making their own rockets. That's so fucking true. That's what we're headed, dude. Elysium. More like smelly. Smelly.

They're letting Indian people. Okay. What do you think they're going to do up in space? Bezos is going to go up there, but they don't got a good house up there, right? Space is fucking scary. Yeah. Space is really scary to me. I don't think you could chill in space.

I don't think you could escape in space. No, you could colonize Mars. Well, that's the thing that's going to happen. They're going to start doing space colonies. And then, you know, all the people that hate colonialism now are going to be like, well, can I go to space? And he's like, wow. Yeah.

Well, maybe you can colonize. Maybe you need to sign this affidavit saying that Christopher Columbus was good. Before you're allowed to come to space. That's a good point. Before you're allowed to come to New Columbus. Before you're allowed to come to New Delaware, Mars. Oh my God. I can't wait until New Delaware is the best metropolis in the fucking galaxy.

That's the thing is like people like fantasize about space travel. It's like, even if you lived on like fucking Pluto or whatever, it would just be like, you know, like Cleveland, Pluto. Yeah. It would not rock. But I don't even think, like, okay, I haven't seen the movie, The Martian. From what I can tell, he was just by himself. I think I have it.

I might rewatch it. He was just by himself. Yeah. But then they tell me they went to go get it and he doesn't take a bunch of computers and shit to keep shit. He had computers up there. But wouldn't it be too hard to keep the computers running? He's doing gardening, dude.

He was acting like he was being Antifa up there. No, you need to garden to make a photosynthesis to make oxygen. It's funny that communists don't understand that that's like the number one thing holding their ideology back. It's like whenever these fucking idiots like start like some kind of anti-government powwow when retard tries to grow a tomato and it's like. Yeah, they go to the desert. It's like nobody.

Stop. Wait, wait, which one with gardening? Community gardening is bullshit. It always looks like shit. They produce garbage fucking produce. I like maybe maybe only for a set. Like if you had a community flower guard, but when you're trying to grow vegetables and have you ever had a home like homegrown vegetables?

Yes. Rarely are they fucking good. That's not true. It's absolutely. They're good. They're not good. Greek people used to fucking grow tomatoes that were good as fucking their yards. Greek people are.

You better watch yourself, chief. I'm not watching. Better watch. You have no idea how powerful I'm about to become. Keep it to the Jews. I can take you. Stavros is a sensitive word. It's not that I'm sensitive.

It's a week. It's a week. What have I ever said anything bad about the Jews? I've criticized you in particular. No, that's the geopolitical state of Israel. And this is the thing Jews always try to do. Okay. They always do this.

You talk about one guy and he goes, oh, because it's I'm Jewish? Big world. Yeah. It's not. It's not. It's because I hate you. It's because I hate you. No one likes me.

I know. Everyone hates me. No, stop it. Now you're fishing. Now you're fishing. Not even from us. I'm just a little. From your adoring audience.

I'm just a lonely guy. That have sided with you against me for some reason. I don't know. Even though traditionally my character, which is not a character, is who I am in real life. It's the one that people would identify with. The bully. The protagonist. The gay bully protagonist.

That's who people love. That's who people love. That's the Luke Skywalker. Through history. That's the guy everyone fucking loves. That's the good guy. That's the good guy. That's the good guy.

That's the good guy to me. It's like Joe Pantaleano in The Matrix. Yep. Yeah. I would totally make a deal with the machines. Your mouse. That's who you are. Mouse from the Holocaust.

No. The guy. Mouse. Mouse in The Matrix who just keeps saying gay shit during breakfast. Who's that? He's like, don't you like tasty wheat? And he has just had like a wire ripped out of his brain. Is he the only white guy?

Is that who Mouse is? No. I mean Joe Pantaleano is white. Fucking. Morpheus is a little bit white. Both of the women are white. Morpheus is Asian I'm pretty sure. Four of them.

Only three of them are black. I think they're all Asian. Oh yeah. Mouse is the little white guy. Yep. It's Tank, Cipher, Switch. Cipher is a sick name. Because it's like hip hop and smoking weed.

Yeah. Who's the other one? Tank, Cipher, Switch. Trinity. Yeah. You think Trinity has three pussies? I think so. That's how she got the name.

You got the father, the son, the holy ghost? Which do you think would be tighter? The pussy named the father, the son, or the holy ghost? I'd be fucking the father every time. I would say the son. Why the son? I would think the father would be big and bearded. Oh, it's like a little boy's bearded.

Yes, a little boy's bearded. You would go ghost? Ghost? I don't know. Nick would fucking ghost. And that's good. That's nice. We all see that.

We had equilibrium. We had the ego, the super ego. If the father, I feel like would have a beard. Would be too... You know what I'm saying? The father. That's what you want, a big fucking son. I don't feel like it really fits like a sort of a Freudian model, really.

I don't think it does either. It's more of like a... You sound smart, though. The hero. Me. The fat hero. No, no, no, no. Now you're trying to recruit him?

No. That's sucking up to me, calling me the fat hero? Hero. He's the hero. The divisive worm reference copier. It's a... It is such a funny reputation. Stop copying the things I reference.

The reference. It's time for you to suck me off. I have to leave by like 4.30. Oh, where are you going? I don't know. I don't know what to say. I have to zoom. I have to do a zoom.

With who? With what's his name? It's mine. It is a guy. What's his name? Tell us what you're zooming about. I'm not going to say that. We can talk about it without you, if you want.

It's my therapist. What are you going to talk about with your therapist? Probably about when I pooped my pants last week. No, no, no, no. No chance. What do you think I'm going to talk about? I'm going to talk about the same shit I talk about every week. Which is what?

Come on, dude. It has nothing to do with anything. There's a bunch of people that listen to this show that can't wait to DM you about your problems and help you work through them. They can't wait to get drunk and message you at 3 a.m. being like, dude, let's just talk about it. Speaking of problems, I started doing Stivey Solves Your Problems again on YouTube. So fucking go check that out.

Yes. And please write in to the show, I have too many chocolates. There's no writing in. Well, talk into the show and make sure that every problem is I have too many chocolates. Can you solve this problem? Don't do that. Fuck. So many people are going to do that now.

I have too many chocolates. So fucking game. You just bombed. I want to say, I know you're going to do it, but just know you're a fucking piece of shit if you do that. You're such a loser if you take your orders from Nick. And despite this and despite knowing how gay they are, they're going to do it with a smile on their loser ass faces.

God damn it. I have too many chocolates. Well, you shouldn't have said that I live in a gay neighborhood in Boston. I'm just acting out. Bye.