The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 27 – Adam’s Last Stand

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

As the Patreon gets closer to $5000, Adam’s days are numbered. We make him defend his position on the podcast by doing another episode where I try to remember the plot of certain movies and inevitably get a detail wrong that belies my own racism.

We're trying a new thing on this one where I don't check the levels before... Is it even recording? Yeah, it's recording now. So this episode started. Can't you see the volume? Yeah, I get it. Isn't there a readout? I get a general idea of where it's at.

Okay. Woo! Yeah. How was that? Woo! You're screaming. Ah! Ah!

There we go. That's good. We got to keep it quiet anyways. We're doing another late night one well I guess after not so much after dark but after work I'm nude

we're all naked we're all wearing smoking jackets and no pants yeah I did I did it the commercial

I worked on today uh chock full of celebs oh yeah who do we got I mean I don't I don't even know if they take the NDA seriously, but there's some pretty fucking

big names. Oh, nice. Yeah. It was a promo for a movie, so. Travolta. It's like a. Hairspray 3? Yeah, it was Hairspray 3.

So, it was John Travolta, Ricky Lake, Divine. Isn't Divine dead? Yeah, she's been dead. They dug her up He's been dead The guy Respect her pronouns I think the pronoun was he

Firesteen Harvey Firesteen Yeah Stone Harvey Firestone Harvey Firesteen Is that a dad? David

Oh David There's aliens coming Yeah That's what I didn't understand About the new Independence Day Is they like retconned in a gay couple but it was implied that Harvey Fierstein was gay in the first one.

They already had a gay character. Exactly. And then they came out with a new one and they just made Brett Spinner gay and he's like... Well, I think we already talked about it. Was he extra gay? No, he's actually not gay at all.

He's basically just like, I'm gay, by the way. Oh, sorry, I was just beating off the two boys' kisses. Yeah, yeah. No, he wakes up and he's in a coma for like 25, since the first movie. Okay. And he wakes up and his boyfriend scientist is there and he's like, baby, you're awake. And he's like, baby, I love you so much.

And then they both look at the camera and they're like, eh? Wait, this is, Goldblum is gay? No, Goldblum is not one of the scientists. He's a guy that... Wasn't he a scientist? No, he's just Jewish. His character is just a Jewish person. And they're really good at math.

So, uh... But not science math. No, that movie sucks, dude. More like, uh, actuarial math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Accountancy. I've noticed that the... Well, there is a signal.

I wonder if the script was written that way. Just nine pages of the word... Probably. Every Goldblum vehicle has that. Yeah. Did we talk about The Independence Day? I think briefly. Yeah, I never saw it.

I didn't see it either. That's why we didn't talk about it. I think only you saw it. It's atrocious. Yeah, it looked like dog shit. No, it didn't, dude. The trailer looked cool. I was excited about it.

But it's really not a good movie. When it came and went and I didn't hear anybody talking about it, I was like crushed. That was the one summer movie I was excited about. Yeah, 2016 was the worst movie year ever, right? Probably, yeah. There was no good summer blockbusters. Art is pretty much dead. Yeah.

I mean, and it's never going to be. It's all remixed now. It's never going to fucking get better. Ghostbusters was really good. I mean, I didn't think, I thought like people were like, oh, well, Trump's going to be good for comedy. And I didn't believe that. And then immediately. He's already bad for comedy. Immediately they proved that it's not it's fucking awful oh yeah yeah they had what's her name crying and playing piano that sucked man

we're in a golden age of comedy what i like to believe is that they're not funny they'd already planned to do that they'd planned to do that and then had planned to do that, and then they had to get permission from Leonard Cohen, and then he was like, what the fuck are you doing? He's dead. And then he had a heart attack. Oh. And that's what killed him. Sorry, I ruined a bit.

It was a shitty idea. That's another bit that I've heard. I didn't watch the Chappelle monologue either, but I'm like... It was not good. Everyone said it really bad. I haven't seen it. Honestly, I love Dave Chappelle,

but any time I've seen him since he quit, he's just been okay yeah you know i mean there's funny moments here and there but it's everyone pretending like it's you know chappelle like he was fucking 20 years no it's not no one no one no one in comedy is ever that george carlin is the only guy that did it and it's because he had to otherwise he was gonna go to prison i'm serious he owed owed like millions of dollars to the IRS. You're laughing. That's so good.

Yeah, you're laughing, but it's true. He owed all his money to the IRS, and he couldn't pay. I hate to say it. He had to write more specials. So everything from 1974 on was just so he could pay back taxes. Bill Cosby, I hate to say it, he's monster, but pretty good into old age. I don't know. He's outstanding more, but I mean, like, pretty good for a 97-year-old man.

I guess. I mean, he's probably, like, better at stand-up than he is entering and exiting a vehicle. Yeah. Yeah, I watched SNL Live this weekend, which i never do oh nice man but uh where at my apartment cool yeah yeah i mean it's uh dave like i preface by saying he's my favorite comic ever probably especially like growing up yeah but uh i just did i didn't see it i just that how i shit sucks so hard telling me to give donald trump a chance i'm not i don't need like a rich person to tell i don't need

like a million oprah to fucking tell me oh yeah calm down give donald trump a chance i know dude look at his fucking cabinet that shit is so good just fucking new in the mix yeah and then fucking the guy from Breitbart just works in the White House now that's so good dude yeah I mean I don't

honestly we already did a politics episode you don't need to do that no I was fucking chamber loaded

ready to go on Independence Day I got nothing on Independence Day completely do you have anything else for it did we

oh yeah I wish you had seen it it's terrible you have anything else for it? Did we? Oh, yeah. I wish you had seen it. It's terrible. You didn't tell us. Amber, did I talk about it on your podcast? The Independence Day movie. Yeah, okay. So that's which one it was.

Okay, so, yeah, sorry. Guys, I'm podcast rich now. I've done too many podcasts. I can't remember what I said. I'm going to get, Alzheimer's at like 36 from recording every conversation I've ever had. Where am I? We should just stop talking not

recorded. We should just have the fucking... That's what I was saying. That was actually me and Adam's original idea for a podcast. We were going to do the Nixon Tapes podcast. And we were going to be Nixon and Kissinger having conversations. And then we'd bring a guest on for five minutes and then talk shit about them

for being like you know a crypto Jew or whatever after they left the Jew is not a trustworthy individual the Jew is a natural spy

oh fuck I love that shit I also love Johnson's where he's talking about just finger fucking on some other recordings. It's so good, dude. Yeah. How did he think that was going to be a good...

Yeah, yeah. Is he on the Nixon tapes? No, but he did that first. He had a conversation with Billy Bush Sr. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Billy Bush Sr. The other Bush dynasty. Yeah.

The cousins of the political Bushes were entertainment Bushes. And they went back. It was awesome. He said, nylons ruined finger fucking. LBJ did? Yeah, LBJ. He's the man. My man was just fucking...

That's finger popping. But Nick, how about that Independence Day movie? There's a lot of bad shit going on in that movie. It opens up and Hillary Clinton is... It's not Hillary, but it's basically Hillary Clinton. President Hillary giving a speech. President bitch. Yeah.

Sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Whoa, dude. Space Hillary's giving a speech and she's like, as you all know, there's been no war since the aliens left. And it's like, you would never say that in the context. Right, right, right. Like, nobody talks like that.

And she's like, there's been no war. You know, it's always bullshit exposition to catch you up, you know, with the starting point for the movie is. But it's like, that's where the last one left off. You can just assume that there hasn't been right right some war unless you wrote it into this you know your perfect world scenario and uh it's like there's been no war since the we beat the aliens and we've used their technology to help but now that's why we have like space flight or something now and uh anyhow just you know happy 4th of July, America. That's where the movie's starting.

And then it cuts to her in the office, and she's like, great speech, Elizabeth. And she'd been reading over it, and it's like, it's a terrible speech. They're just using it to get to the beginning of the movie. Sure. So why even say great speech? Just have her look over and be like, oh, okay.

And then it cuts to the hallway outside and there's a picture, there's like a poster hanging on the wall outside the Oval Office. There's like a, for whatever reason, just jammed into the corner. Yeah. A picture of Will Smith and it looks like just a still from the first movie.

It looks like they just stripped all the text off the first movie. Wait, he just stripped all the text off the first movie. Wait, he's not in it though, right? No, you see a black guy come into the shot and you only see the back of his head and you're like, there's Will Smith and then it shows the front of his head and it's not Will Smith.

And then the president, Madam President, greets that guy and she's like, oh, I'm so glad you're here. Sorry your dad's dead, by the way, and he couldn't be here sorry your dad had to do suicide squad he couldn't be here right yeah basically uh it's just it's just so poorly done the entire movie yeah hell yes dude and then you know and then the whole idea is like there's been no war or whatever but then they have to go to like meet with these african warlords that carry swords.

And Jeff Goldblum's all like scared when he meets them. And it's like, you just said there's been no war. Why would you be afraid of these people? Dude, what happens? The aliens come back and fuck shit up? The aliens come back and they defeat them by doing literally the exact same thing. So it's basically like Star Wars? Yeah, they have like a secret alien ship and then they have to did in the first movie. So it's basically like Star Wars? Yeah, they have like an alien,

they have a secret alien ship and then they have to go inside the mothership. They have to shoot a really small hole. And then there's like two motherships or something. I think they like,

they learned, I don't know, I mean, it was the same thing with Force Awakens, how Force Awakens fucking sucked. Yeah. And everyone was like,

oh, that was good. It's like, no, it just wasn't as bad as the fucking prequels first three yeah well it was just the same movie

it was the same plot I mean there was some cool shit in it I guess that's what they're doing with the Independence Day they're like yeah let's just make

the same exact movie not go crazy with it bring everyone back that we can except the one guy that made the movie a blockbuster hit uh fuck dude i watched i was sick all day today i watched a dog awful

really bad movie dog off god awful dog awful sucks are you not blaspheming anymore you're watching uh that's how like fat lady third grade teachers say god awful they say dog awful yeah yeah yeah dude like a fat lady with a gods of Egypt

did you guys see that oh hell yeah oh yeah and it's all white people it's all white people with British accents and the gods are transformers

basically they turned into like flying transformers that sounds tight I want to make a movie called I want to watch the worst possible movie I want to make a movie called I wanted to watch The worst possible movie

I want to make a movie called 13 Years a Slave And it's about an Irish guy That comes to America Yeah it's true It was worse Yeah he moves to Boston Yeah the Irish

Irish were slaves too Yeah yeah But for 13 years My favorite is Greek people are like Yeah the Greeks were slaves Because like the Ottoman Empire Yeah

Just took over greece like that's not the same fucking thing as slavery they're just like some fucking fat turkish guy yeah i think from what i understand from what i've seen in movies and film like the roman roman term slave just means girlfriend like exotic girlfriend that speaks kind of broken English? Yeah, yeah. That you met while you were away at war? That's what slave means. Yeah. Well, Thomas Jefferson had that interpretation of the word as well. Oh, yeah.

My man was smanging. My man. My man was committing rape, yo. Anytime you meet him. Hell yeah, yo, TJ. Get in them fucking guts, yo. Them's your slaves, yo. Anyway.

He was such a good writer, writer dude he wrote a really sick constitution for us yeah every time I meet a black person with a last name Jefferson I'm like maybe you know wasn't it Fields Hemings I thought Sally Hemings oh Sally Fields not Sammy Fields

Stanley Fields Sally Hemings Sally Hemings yeah Hemings Sally Hemings Yeah His slave That's so Yeah everybody got up In them guts

The last name Hemings Is uh Descended from American royalty That's right Yeah that's true Oh yeah dude Yeah

Yeah I never meet Any black people With my last name Which makes me feel good It's Irish Yeah Marlin Yeah

Yeah It's not how we talk. My name is Nick Merlin. I've never had sex. I've never had sex. I've never had sex before. Speaking of Irish. I watch the MMA.

I love sex with men. I love haggis and sex with men. It's probably Scottish, but... Yeah, it's the same shit. Whatever, man. I watched the MMA thing this weekend by the way Connor that dude is sick

he's awesome yeah he's gonna be a movie star and he just talks shit all the time yeah he's like I don't give a fuck I'm so fucking pissed and he was trolling

he was like I'd like to say I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody fuck off the champ does whatever the fuck he wants. Why is he going to be a movie star?

Because he's got loads of charisma. He's going to be a wrestler. He legitimately will be a wrestler. He can beat people up. He can do action stuff. He's got a combat background. I think he should. Cabinet level appointment.

Too bad he's not a fucking citizen. You don't have to be a citizen to be a cabinet, do you? No, you don't. You don't have to be a citizen to be a cabinet, do you? No, you don't. You don't have to be a citizen to be president. You have to be born here. We learned that over the last eight years.

I found this guy, I was arguing with this guy online and I keep telling these conservative groups that Obama is Algerian and he's bringing Sharia law to the United States. That Trump is.

And I found this guy's phone number. That is some beautiful trolling, by the way. Yeah, I want to call him. Yeah, you're trolling for the good guys now. No, he's just doing the best trolling. No, he's just doing the best trolling for, yeah.

He's a chaotic force, dude. There's no trolling for anything. Well, that's what trolling's supposed to be. He's a troll purist, dude. I mean, no, it's just, like, you know, I think, like, the alt-right's probably going to lose a lot of numbers now that, like, Trump is actually in office.

Right. Because the people that are just there to be trolls, they can't just go with... The winning team. Yeah, right. They have to fuck with people. So if their ideas are ever popular... Yeah, but there's still journalists and stuff

they can call Jews and stuff like that, right? That's true. Yeah, that is true. There is some important work still to be done. Yeah, they still need to get rid of the... Well, there's going to be a Holocaust of American Jews

and AIPAC's going to pay for it. Dude, do you hear... Yeah. We're going to make them pay for it. We're going to make Israel pay for it. Israel's going to pay for the Holocaust. That makes sense, dude. Yo, I hope we got

a fucking wall though, yo. Yeah. There's already too many fucking burritos over here. Look how nervous Adam is. Dude, don't worry. We'll hide you. We'll hide you, dude.

Dude, I'm wearing the star. Look at my room. We're going to have to break your room. Look at my room. Look how good I'm at making cubbies. That would be...

I'm going to put a bookshelf. You'll have your own little... Yeah, it'll be like a five... Yeah, a little five-hole. We'll give you a little abacus. A little five-hole. You know, a wall. You have to have a daughter named Masha

that keeps trying to learn English from the humans. From the humans. Yeah. The humans are our friends. Masha, you must not trust them. They are my friends. They are not your friends, Masha.

They are teaching me how to read but Fievel just talked normal right yeah I love that shit well Fievel was written by Saul Bellow

right was it yeah when I was a kid when I was a kid people told me it was Jewish So

I liked it Oh basically Every cartoon Rad is Jewish Yeah it's true Chuck E. Cheese Radigan Mickey Mouse

The cook Who's the other one Mickey Mouse Stuart Little's a Jew The Mickey Mouse Is not Jewish From the Anti-Semite Ed Roth Cartoon Stuart Little's a Jew Mickey Mouse is not Jewish The rat fink from the

Anti-Semite The Ed Roth cartoon From what? There's like You know there's Ed Roth cartoons There's like Oh yeah There's drag racing cartoons

There's hot rod cartoons Those aren't Jews They're too cool to be Jews Well the mouse The rat is Oh cool We're going through Now I'm just naming cartoon rats

is that an exhaustive list of cartoon rats who else do we got were there any rats in in what about tom tom's a mouse from yeah or jerry i guess is the mouse no tom's the mouse jerry's the cat no jerry's the mouse jerry's the mouse tom's the tom cat tom is the cat jerry's the mouse. Jerry's the mouse. Tom's the cat. Tom is the cat. Yeah, Jerry's the Jewish name. Yeah, Jerry. Jerry's definitely a Jew. Jerry Heller. NWA.

Jerry Steinstein. What other fucking mouse meeses are there? Was there mice in Garfield? Yeah, the lasagna was all mouse lasagna. John. John was a Jew. Yeah, John's Jewish. For sure. yeah gar uh the the lasagna was all a mass lasagna uh john john john yeah john's jewish for sure yeah no i mean that's really there's a uh a garfield where garfield uh john puts the menorah out and he's like garfield don't eat my menorah and garfield eats the menorah how did he come up with this fucking stuff, man? Yo, every time I read Garfield, I'm like, is he going to eat that fucking lasagna?

What's going to happen here? Yeah, you better not eat that fucking lasagna. That's a hungry cat. Yo, I love that fucking cat. You know, it makes me want to get a cat, and then I see the real ones, and it's like, nah, they're gay. They're too soft. Excuse me. They don't sell those like that. can you please leave petco he's scaring me let me get a fucking cat you make it talk any fucking italian food why did we open

a petco and done he's just holding out slight meatballs i'm sorry we had to send all the parrots back to headquarters because they learned the N-word. What? Push monkey! Get away from my sister! That's a fun bit. I love Dundalk, baby. Yeah, we stopped in Baltimore.

We were in D.C. this weekend. Yeah. Big Hunt did a little road trip. We did a sample of the soon-to-be-Adam-free episodes. Yeah, once we hit 5K. Yeah. Adam's gone to be replaced with a rotating cast of Jews. Oh, guys.

It's not... Dude, it's not... You know, I'm trans. What? I mean, we had a great episode without you. I'm trans. You fucked me. Yeah.

That already happened. I have a mental disability. I'm brain damaged. What do you mean you're brain damaged? Yeah. You know, we got a whole... We got the... I have a mental disability I'm brain damaged What do you mean you're brain damaged? Yeah You know We got a whole We got the

You were molested on the last episode? I was molested on the last episode Yep We got into it Well that's why you need me here Nah dude He's better off for it Yeah

He's stronger now Yeah Well you know We have one episode without you You come back You're sick You're getting germs all over the microphone I'm not sick because I wasn't on the

podcast. You know, maybe you are. I'm sick because of the Trump administration. And it makes me goddamn sick to my stomach. Is this Dickfield? No. You were doing the Dickfield voice.

That's just me when I'm not around you guys. That's him at home. That's just me when I'm not around you guys. That's him at home. That's what every Jewish person... I try to Gentile it up around you guys. That's Hebrew. That's him speaking Hebrew. That's holding a cup to your wall. Trying to sound...

Trying to perfect the voice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, his... People have been sending me his statuses the last week. Yeah, you sent me one that was bold. Oh, they're so good. You know, I know I said that no more bullying. I know I promised that. Yeah, you sent me one that was gold. Oh, they're so good. You know, I know I said that no more bullying. I know I promised that.

Yeah. But, you know, who saw this election coming? Who saw this result? And I feel like that's a message from America that it's time to bully again. I think so, dude. You know? Bullying won. It's Alpha Male's won, dude.

This is an Alpha male podcast again. Well, I think it's like because people were too afraid to bully people that suck, that's how Donald Trump won. It's true. We were too nice. So in the spirit of whatever loose point I can piece together. Yep, I agree 100%. I'm playing up Seth again.

It's time to do that. When Seth goes high, we go low. He had one. Did I send you that one? Like, oh, I was in a coffee shop the other day, and I'm explaining to the white barista that this is fascism that we're living under. And it's like, what are the other people in line thinking while he's doing this? And it's just, how are you always in a coffee shop getting into

arguments also he's not doing that he's not he thought about doing it last last month i spent 47 000 on croissants yeah take a shot bitch i have a cold just do it just take the medicine take take the medicine. Take the medicine. Take it, dude. Ah, dude, those were roofies, yo. We're about to fuck you in the ass, yo. It's got a little menthol finish on it. Hell yeah, dude.

Smooth going in. Thank you. Thank you. I wish I could drink. You just saw him do a shot of cold medicine. Oh, yeah. Anytime I get the flu i become like addicted to nyquil for like three and a half weeks after the flu's over i'm like yeah i still need it

did you ever uh trip on dxm robo trip so many times yeah really i probably have holes in my fucking brain it's so it's such a stupid way to get high i literally used to go i've done it i literally used to eat like a box of cor course eden every single day after work and just fucking trip course eden coughing cold oh really yeah and that's what's right what does it do yeah for like a month and a half long period are these the pizza shop days uh yeah actually you can't move you like yeah you just it's like it's like ketamine yeah do you get a hangover it's disassociative right now uh it's no i would never do it the last time i did it i threw up i mean i like forced myself to throw up because i started tripping and i'm like why am i fucking doing this

jesus i did it once in college and it was it was enough i was just like i don't think my penis is ever gonna come back i think it's done where was yeah you just look at my friend's door here and it just doesn't make sense it's like nothing makes sense my for some reason i felt like my i had the smallest penis in the world for some reason i just think about the drug yeah it makes everything true true yeah you understand things as they really are. Dude, thank God. Bitch. Thank God I'm wearing these big dick colored glasses. Bitch ass motherfucker. Bitch ass motherfucker.

Adam Friedland is a little dick ass boy who has never had sex. The only way to cure the issue of a smaller penis is you must find an albino child. And then you will use the knife to remove the ears and eyelids of the albino child and when it is screaming only then will you penetrate the child

the child. We must have this in Africa. I have never had consensual sex in my life. You must never respect a woman. If I know one thing, it is that it is always

wear sandals and never respect a woman. The only time I take off wears sandals and never respect a woman the only time i take off my sandals is when i have to rape god damn i love this character i literally almost crashed the car we were doing that shit whoa whoa just african african man dude Come on. Don't condemn his way of life. You know what's crazy is that G-Unit is huge in Africa. Really? Not just 50 as a solo artist. I mean, he's pretty big there, too. Is he just in- But the group, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck-

Really? At 50 Cent is huge in Africa. You know who's the number one sellout artist in all of Africa? Who? Justin Guarini. It's Christopher Cross. They love yacht rock. They love sailing.

Well, they all dress like him. He has like a silk pink shirt, size 48 waist, with billowing khakis and sandals. Chris Cross was actually surprisingly boring dressing. I think he just wore like jeans and a t-shirt yeah yeah because he was an artist who when salen dropped everyone's like this is the next big yacht rock super and then they saw him and he disappeared they saw a picture of him

in like a magazine because it was pre like mtv or whatever and they were like this guy yeah because that album the cover is just a flamingo yeah it's awesome the green thing with the flamingo what's the name of that album I forget that's the one with

Salem on it yeah oh it's got Ride Like the Wind Ride Like the Wind's on it too yeah it's got Arthur's theme on there too

Arthur's theme was from the movie but I think it's on that album I don't think it's on the album but yeah Jamel put me onto that album but yeah then they then it turned out he was he looked like a pig so he could be famous yeah how ugly was he i've never seen his face he's pretty not he's pretty ugly yeah damn uh

not everybody there's another guy uh uh fuck joe uh pentagliano i want to say joe robinson but that's not it that's the song stepping out that was another guy that was like hideous i forget that was you know part of that genre yacht rock not yacht rock but just not whatever that like contemporary adult contemporary adult contemporary not you know new waves zero cool easy music to music listening Music to watch the euthanasia Fucking drugs Drip into your arm While listening to

Oh fuck That's that good shit man Yeah Joe what the fuck is his name I don't know I don't know any fucking Old white people music Cause all that shit that I listen to is just my family. My family listens to Greek music.

What kind of Greek music? Like Greek rock? My family didn't listen to that shit either. Really? Yeah, I got into yacht rock stuff when I was like... Yeah, my parents didn't listen to it. What do your parents listen to? Like R.E.M. and Nirvana.

Really? Yeah. My parents are a little bit older. What? Yeah. How old are your parents? My parents listen to Bob Like R.E.M. and Nirvana. Really? Yeah. My parents are a little bit older. What? Yeah. How old are your parents? My parents listen to like Bob Dylan and the Beatles. No.

They listen to that shit? Yeah. Bob Dylan and the Beatles? College rock? Like early 90s college rock? Yeah. That's strange. My parents like Paul Simon and the Beatles.

No. My parents, I don't... They like... I guess stayed, you know... My aunt listens to like Pharrell and shit She's like 60 What? Yeah

My dad really fucked with that That's so fucking strange I know it's weird That's really weird Yeah My dad really fucked with that Santana Oh hell yes

Supernatural album Yeah The one with Rob Thomas With all the hits My dad My dad made me download Duddy rock for him shawn de paul yeah yeah what your dad like sean paul yeah that's he was like give me that album

i love that dude yeah uh just give me the light was on that does give me that just oh like blue is a fucking banger glue is a fucking banger yeah my friend always does that at karaoke and it's it's kind of racist why cause he's

doing it's really hard it's like at first you're like it's a little bit racist but white people doing karaoke at all

is racist cause it's Japanese it's a karaoke it's karaoke it's culturally appropriate unless you do

white men to use consumer electronics. It's true. I won't even hear a microwave. That's why I got him a Ford television. It runs on gasoline. It's got piston. Carbon monoxide. Oh, shit.

Oh, man. Goddamn, dude. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious, dude. You're dead listening to Sean Paul. I know. That's so fucking hilarious. Yo, there was a period where he had, like, 11 number one hits in a row. Yeah.

Yeah. And Shaggy, too. Shaggy was, like, the funny version of Sean Paul. Didn't Akon give Africa, like, light bulbs or something? Yeah, I think so. He also just got in Africa light bulbs. Well, you know why he's rich as fuck is he signed Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga.

He got all that Lady Gaga paper. Yeah, he gets a little piece of that. Lady Gaga, who's leading the charge in the petition to have the electors, you know, give Hillary the presidency anyways. Well, it's only right, dude. Yeah. What the fuck is that? Like, people think, really? Well, they's only right, dude. What the fuck is that? People think, really?

They don't have to vote for Donald Trump? They could save America? They technically don't, but what's a petition going to do? There would be domestic terrorism. There would be militia just go absolutely storming. It would be like fucking

McVeigh-level bombings by right-wing extremists if they did that damn that would be fucking because those are the guys that are just fucking waiting for an excuse right right you know i mean what did what did the fucking the the bundy shit happen over like a post office i think that they wanted to like you know put down a calendar or something they wanted to get rid of the Garfield calendar in a post office. Not in my fucking, this is my country. No, it was a land rights issue. Yeah, something.

Yeah, there was like, but they took over. I know what it was, but it's doing a bit out of him. You don't have to fucking. Oh, who's. Fucking loser. Who is their cattle? Beach ass. Adam Friedland is a beach ass motherfucker. fucking fucking loser raise their cattle beat us Adam Friedland

is a beat us motherfucker this is why you are not allowed to come on the pirate missions

you must stay here and and get AIDS like the women stay here in the village

well what a good bit boys Weemond. Stay in the village. Well, what a good bit, boys. Yeah. We were periscoping that guy in the car. African guy? Yeah. I do pretty good ones. Yeah?

Oh, you're from Africa. Yeah. I always forget that you're African American. African American. Yeah. That's why I got into Harvard. So you could join the National african-american colored people association association the national national fwa that's the best thing anyone's ever said that my friend eric yeah oh hell yeah that's the whole

thing about the fucking, what's her name? Transracial. Right, right, right. Rachel Dolezal. Could you join the NAACP? There's this batch. Okay. There's this batch

in Spokane. No, he's not a colored person. It's only for people of color. It was smart that they named it that because that was a bit when I was growing up. People were like,

what? Colored? And it's like, you know, it's smart. Now there's just, you know, people like Adam can't game the system right right yeah like the united negro college fund again another smart choice ah that's true yeah yeah it's not african nothing to do with africa right smart yeah the only african-amerAmerican thing is the NCAA.

That's true. Yeah, or USAA. You get USAA. You get your car towed. I already got it. Oh, fuck. What's up, dude? Tired?

No, I'm just sick. It's fine. I'm sorry, fuck. What's up, dude? You tired? No, I'm just sick. It's fine. I'm sorry, buddy. You don't have to talk about it on the podcast. Yeah, well, we're tired because I've been at work since 6 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, and I... Because I work for a living, dude. And I made an omelet.

I made a salad today. I'm trying to be healthy, boys. I'm trying to get back on the health kick. I'm trying to, you know, summer 17, I'm out there. I'm sucking. I'm fucking, dude. That's what it is did you get laid in dc i did but it was why are you exhaling like that good that's it was like

it was it was a tough one dude yeah he's been complaining about this for like three days i haven't been complaining i haven't brought it up just a girl that i wasn't that interested in was talking to me and i was like i don't really want want to, you know. Yeah. And then she was like, hey, do you want to... Was she a cop? No, no, no. Was she in the scene or... She just saw the show.

She was just at the show. And she was just like, hey, do you want to have sex with me? Yeah. So you say yes, obviously. And I was like, all right. And then I did

and it wasn't that good and, you know, I didn't bring my A game. You know, it was tough. She had a nicer... She had a really nice apartment. Well, that's nice. I felt like I couldn't bring my A game. She had a really nice apartment. Well, that's nice. I felt like I couldn't fuck in it.

How was that bad? I feel like I didn't deserve to fuck in that apartment. Oh, because it was a nice apartment? It was too nice for me, dude. Did she have a telescope? Huh? Did she have a telescope? I love that.

She had a skylight. No telescope. That was classes a place up. A telescope. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to get a big-ass telescope for my room. Hell yeah. Look at what? You have no windows. Just to fill the room. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to get a big ass telescope for my room. Hell yeah. I didn't look at one.

You have no windows. Just to fill the room with windows. Is it telescopes? Welcome to the Discovery Channel, bitch. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Bill Nye, the science guy.

Do you think Bill chants like that when he fucks? Yeah, hell yeah. Bill, Bill, Bill. Shut up, fucks? Hell yeah Bill, Bill, Bill Shut up bitch Bill, Bill, Bill Inertia is a property of matter

Bill, Bill, Bill Ouch Bill Bill is not a good lover dude You think Bill Nye fucks good for real? You know what show was so much better than Bill Nye's Science Guy show? What? Beekman's World The Brooklyn Bill Nye Science Guy

I remember that I remember that Holy shit dude There was another show that was basically Bill Nye's Science Guy show? What? Beekman's World, the Brooklyn Bill Nye Science Guy. I remember that. I remember that. Holy shit, dude. There was another show that was basically Bill Nye the Science Guy, but it was Beekman's World, and this guy, he was like a scientist. He's like, yeah, it's me, Beekman. You want to learn something, you fucking faggot? It was low budget as fuck, too.

It was awesome. Was it PBS? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, it came on like right before Bill Nye the Science Guy. Yeah, dude. It was off-brand Bill Nye the Science Guy. Yeah, dude. It was off-brand Bill Nye. He had like a hot assistant.

Jax. He definitely fucked her. Yeah, Jax the hot assistant. Who is Beekman? He was just some guy? Just some like Brooklyn scientist. Just a guy. Yeah, I'm from Bay Ridge.

I do experiments. Mostly phrenology about the different races and shit like that. I got calipers. I'm in the union. The thing is, their heads, they ain't got a big enough brain, though. If they are too big, I'll cave the goddamn skull in with my calipers. Yeah, Beekman was tight, dude. I remember that shit.

Yeah, I preferred Beekman. Beekman definitely fucks better than Bill Nye, for sure. Bill Nye probably doesn't fuck good. Bill Nye's like on the news all the time now. They're like, oh, yeah, now for a science expert, Bill Nye. And I was like, I thought he was for babies. Now he's for adults? He's just a fucking, he's got like a, he's got an engineering degree.

So he's like, you know, he's like Neil deGrassese Tyson or who's that Japanese guy who always sits in that white car? Kiyosaki Hirohima. Yeah, it's Kurumasaki Toyota. Suzuki Riro. What's his name? Sushi Rito. Kamakaki Mahomato. Hirohito Okamoto.

Do you guys ever fuck with Okamoto crowns? What's the guy's real name? I don't know what his name is. Dice K Matsuzaka. Fuck it. Fuck it. Andrew Dice Clay. Clay Bacazar.

Is there a little who is a hickory? Wait, hold on. Hickory dickory... Hickory dickory... No! No! The mouse ran off the crack. No!

Hickory... Oh, don't do it. Hickory dickory... There's absolutely no way Oh, don't do it. Hey, Kumi. Hey, Kumi. Toku. There's absolutely no way that Kumi hasn't already done Andrew Rice Clay. Andrew Rice Clay. Yeah, there's no way he hasn't done it already.

He's done every iteration. Have you ever seen Kumi do Andrew Dice Gay? Oh, it's one of the funniest things on earth. It's so funny. I suck this fucking cock. I suck so funny i suck it's really good fuck we should look that up i want to watch that people forget that he's funny he's funny as shit because he's racist no kumio kumio oh kumio's really funny dice is a very funny i don't know man the day after diedied is my favorite comedy album of all time. Well, yeah, but that's like... Yeah, but it's irony.

That's irony. I know, I know, I know. But there's just... And yes, Dice sucks. And as a piece of art, it's incredibly fascinating. I've listened to that more than I've listened to any comedy album, for sure. Well, there's another one, the Neil Hamburger one. The one Hot February Night.

That's one of the best things I've ever that's incredible yeah he's opening for tenacious d at madison square garden uh-huh and they said all right like you do like you do like 30 and uh tenacious d's fans are just like rabid and they don't give a fuck right he's bombing from the first punch no one knows who the fuck he is no one knows yeah who he is. Yeah, he opens with, What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas? And people are like, boo! And he's like, he raped her. Well, he raped her.

Yeah, and then and then he just so he's getting booed by I'd say 90% of the stadium 10% of the stadium is maybe behind it that's awesome

slash confused right right right and but like bombing for a sports stadium that's yeah that's real bombing

that's real bombing yeah and the fact that he could just stay out there and then he kept faking out the audience he's like give it up for the reason you're all here tonight. And then he builds it up and he'd be like, tenacious D's curtain.

Tenacious D's curtain. People are just like, we want the D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throwing things at us. That's incredible. I got booed at Caroline's a week and a half ago. Really? At New York's Funniest?

No, no. At another show. I was just doing it at Caroline's a week and a half ago. Really? At New York's Funniest? No, no. At another show. I was just doing it at Caroline's because I was like, there's some like, you know, I was asking people. I just looked at the audience. There was a woman there. I'm like, who are you voting for? And I was like, Hillary probably, right?

And she was like, no. And they were like, why would you assume that? I'm like, I don't know, because she's a woman. Right. And then people are like, boo. Really? Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean boo yeah yeah yeah you're gonna get to boo me and she's voting for trump i mean that's the surprise why would you assume she was

voting for trump in new york was it a trump i mean it's probably fucking tourists and yeah i guess it was a trump caroline's old but then here's the other thing though if it's a trump crowd they're not allowed to be offended right i hate that shit dude yeah that's the same shit that happened at comics come home that uh oh dude that funny that was so funny like people were tweeting at nick de paul so at comics come home last week wanda sykes went up it's his big it's his big benefit she started going off about how much she hates donald trump and the crowd starts nick de paul is a republican though nick de paul goes up after her and then starts going the other direction yeah he's like

I voted for Trump yeah he's like I voted for Trump all these fags I don't know what he said and he called dude he called some woman a Jew

he was like he just pointed her out and called her a fucking Jew you can imagine what Nick DiPaolo said yeah and then so on Twitter

people are like tweeting at Nick uh you did great wanda fucking sucked or whatever and he's retweeting it yeah and then and then so like uh at a certain point uh someone was like you fucking suck dude you're not welcome in boston this is like a liberal city and he's like you fucking you fucking bombed. And Nick DiPaolo responds to it. And this tweet that said that to him had like one phase. No one saw it.

And then Nick DiPaolo responds to it. He's like, yeah, and how did fucking Wanda do, huh? Just throwing her under the bus for no reason. Not just responding,

but I think he quote tweeted it too and then responded to it. Damn. He's throwing her under the bus. It responded to it. But that's so, it's so funny. He's real funny, dude. He's funny as shit. But the idea that you would have

Wanda Sykes followed by Nick DiPaolo, the weak, drunk wins, is like the funniest combination. Who's doing that? Just a black lesbian

followed by the most outspoken, does not give a fuck, libertarian asshole. Not even libertarian. Republican. Conservative Republican. He's not like Christian conservative, is he?

No, I didn't know Wanda Sykes was from Boston. She is? I thought she's from D.C. She's from D.C. I don't know. She's like D.C.'s scene. I don't know, man. Everyone claims everybody. I don't know where she's from.

That's true. Yeah, D.C. tries to I don't know where she's from. That's true. Yeah, DC tries to claim Louis Black sometimes. Well, he was born there. Yeah. Yeah. He went to high school in Silver Spring. Yeah, so really. At the same time as Goldie Hawn, Sylvester Stallone, and Ben Stein.

That's true. That's a power quadruplet. Yeah. They all went to the same high school. You think Ben Stein ever fucked Goldie Hawn? Yeah, probably What about Sly? You know, I didn't know that Sly

The reason he talks like that Because he's paralyzed Yeah, from calipers They were trying to measure his skull To see what race he was Because his family was Italian You could never be sure with them Right, right

How much more blood is in their system Yeah, I thought the mom was lying Yeah I seen too many fucking moulinons Coming in and out of here You can never be sure with them. Right. How much more blood is in their system. Yeah, I thought the mom was lying. I've seen too many fucking moulinons coming in and out of here. I don't know about this, Debra. The kid's strong as hell. My wife, you smell like a peanut grease. You smell like a peanut oil. Why are the doorknobs a slippery?

Oh, fuck. Damn, we did talk about Sly in high school already. No, we didn't. I think we did. It came up. Sly in high school? I think so. When?

I feel like we did. I mean, what do you think Sly Stallone was like in high school? Beautiful, right? Fucked a lot? I don't know. All I know is that he slept in the Port Authority bus station and then did a softcore porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he wrote Rocky in what he says, 12 hours.

No, I think he says he wrote it in three days, no sleep. Just sit there, type of shit. Yeah, it shows. Three days. Rocky wants a good movie. It's a good movie. I mean, I don't know how good it is as a screenplay. Right.

Well, it did win Best Screenplay that year. Yeah, so he's going to fall in love with the retarded girl? You know what? I mean, I probably mentioned it on the podcast before, but one of my favorite things about Rocky, in the beginning of the movie when he's dealing with the mob guys that he's an enforcer for, they're trying to get him to hand the money he owes

from his collection run over, and the two other enforcers are in a car and they're like, hey, Rock, why don't you bring that girl that you like to the zoo? And he's like, yeah, why's that? And he goes, because I hear retards love the zoo.

He's like, you piece of shit. He starts chasing after the car. They speed off. Rocky III, Rocky gets brain damage. Adrian brings him to the car. They speed off. Rocky 3, Rocky gets brain damage, you know. Yeah. And Adrian brings him to the zoo. Oh, what? Yeah, in the end of the movie, he's like, you know, I always loved the zoo.

And I don't know if they knew that or not. That's awesome. Wow. Yeah. You also did a good slide with the L. The love, the way. Yeah, I love the zoo. I love the zoo.

You know, when I was a little baby he used to fit in my hand that's the speech from uh yeah i just told you tell this little baby gonna grow up yeah yeah i love everybody i saw that's probably the last good movie made ever creed was so god damn it was so good it's good but he's not playing Rocky in that fucking movie. That's a different character. Rocky's not that smart or insightful. No, no. Rocky's dumbass.

Hey, a life full of fucking wisdom. Yeah, but he's had a life. He's got brain damage. He was in Parkinson's at that point. He's been working in an Italian restaurant and learning lessons. Yeah, dude. Yeah, he's wise. After Tommy Gunn, he learned a lot.

He went to community college. My pecs were just Straight up flexed For like 48 hours I was just ready to fight Dude I wanted a fucking Just Jordan sweatsuit I was gonna start jogging

Oh it's so cool Yeah I remember When you saw that movie You immediately texted me And told me you were Getting a Jordan sweatsuit Cause that's the first step In losing weight

It's true Dude if I don't have the gear How the fuck am I gonna do it Buying clothes with elastic elastic bands you need the jordan's west you need the 12 o'clock boys i need the 12 o'clock boys to riding around right doing wheelies while i run as you you can't work out if you don't have absolutely yeah dude fuck i literally for three days after i watched that movie just fucking ate nothing but vegetables and like fucking did

pushups and shit. And then I don't know what happened, but I got a little derailed. But I'm getting back in there. There's really no point in trying to better your life. You don't think so? Nah. Okay, I'll stop. I saw those celebrities today on that job. How are they? John Travolta?

I mean, I don't know if I can say I guess I guess whatever fucking yeah Emma Watson was there Emma Watson yeah Emma Watson oh is it Beauty and the Beast yeah I guess

Harry Potter oh there goes that end to you I mean the worst case scenario they just don't ever fucking hire me again I said it you didn't say it yeah but they didn't hire me

knowing that I'm a host of like the world's most successful podcast yeah they wouldn't have they wouldn't have let knowing that I'm a host of the world's most successful podcast. Yeah, they wouldn't have let you do that. That's how we get juicy bits, dude. I like the level of fame we're at because we do have the world's most successful podcast. It's true.

But no one knows what we look like. I could just walk around. My point is I'm not envious of those people. Of what? Celebrities? Yeah, their life is just a little bit more comfortable. I think it's a little bit more comfortable you know they still have to work a bit more shit yeah i think it's their own green room and you know a special meal or whatever their fucking days off are so much better like them just blowing off a

day why how is it better than rich people shit my day off is i fucking maybe i do some cocaine they get better cocaine they have couch nice couches instead of floors. I don't know. I don't think their lives are really all that much better. They get to go on pedophile fuck jets. I think it's, you know, you make enough money to be comfortable. Yeah. You make enough money to be comfortable, and then there's, like, a huge gap, and then there is pedophile, you know, secret fuck planes.

Right. And the guys that, like, make their own space programs. Right, right, right, right. If you have enough money and you're like yeah I'm gonna go to the moon and I'm gonna build a house there and like

maybe yeah but if you're just like a mid-low like what's her net worth it's gotta be what Emma Watson dude

fucking are you kidding me shit ton do those Harry Potter movies three or four million dollars she's fucking rich as hell dude she can buy a little island yeah

well her life is so much better than yours it's not even close I disagree that's fucking rich as hell, dude. She can buy a little island. Yeah, well, her life is so much better than yours. It's not even close. I disagree. You're wearing a Tony Hawk shirt with holes under both armpits. I've had this shirt for literally probably 22 years. Exactly, dude. She doesn't have anything for over like six months.

Yeah. Does she look good? Yeah, she looks good. Yeah, of course. That's the other thing, too. When you meet celebrities, you see them and you're Yeah, she looks good. Yeah, of course. That's the other thing too when you meet celebrities is like you see them

and you're like oh, that's where you're famous. Yeah. There's nothing like fucked up about you and up close. Yeah, you think like oh, well that's all makeup

or whatever but no, their faces are symmetrically perfect. Yeah. They don't have any weird tics. Right. They don't speak weird or fucking, you know.

And on top of that they have to to not have fucked up personal lives. What do you mean? What? Emma Watson couldn't have a podcast called Come Down. No. Yeah, you're right. You are better than Emma Watson. I am.

You're better. No, you're right. I agree. Emma Watson also couldn't have a 22-year-old shirt and just not bathe for a week or change your clothes or you're making solid ass points yeah these are better things that you get to do that's the way i see it i don't care what some fucking british piece of shit has to say about it apparently she had to drop out of college because every time she's like she was at brown and every

time she like answer a question people would be like five points of gryffind time she's like she was at brown and every time she like answer a question people would be like five points of gryffindor that's a good bit yeah i respect that well i don't even know what the fuck that means apparently it was really annoying and she had to drop out of school because it's uh did you see that uh so there was like that was like the thing this week is yeah every fucking pussy saying yeah there was plenty of people doing that but there was one girl that everybody found there was like one girl that like exemplified

those tweets where she's like Hufflepuff we need you to be whatever it was the gayest thing I've ever seen in my life we need you to

you know that was very funny yeah Gyllenhaal we need you to fuck your sister yeah and then

but then somebody found another tweet that that lady did that was like this reminds me of in the care bears movie when the cousins call and say we can all help it's like that is literally a movie for babies that's like for babies young adult don't know how to speak it's for babies it's all because of colors and like oh as soon as Donald was elected I had to get my

teething ring and flip through my books that are made so that they float in the bathtub Hillary Clinton is basically Barney I sat down

in my play school desk with the little wheels on the bottom and I piddled around the living room I would love one of those honestly yeah those bouncy shits where the babies fucking go they can't walk yet bottom and I piddled around the living room. I would love one of those, honestly. Those bouncy shits where the babies fucking go, they can't walk yet, but they just bounce

Well, you have the physics of a baby. That's what I'm saying, dude. Give me a big ass version of that. You have baby proportions. The bouncy thing looks fun. I'm like a big sexy baby, dude. That's kind of my brand. Sexy ass baby.

Yeah. You have, like, the circumference of your head is probably like 36 inches. Yeah, probably. Do you wear fitteds? Can you wear fitteds? I can wear the upper limit of fitteds. Some of the bigger fitteds. He tried to put my hat on one time, and he looked like a Popeye character.

Yeah, my snapback's got to go all the way the fuck up. You got to go to the one snap. The one snap, maybe two if I'm feeling fucking sluggish. How much of that is fat, though? I don't think much, dude. I have a big ass head. You just have a big head. Yeah.

Like, my fucking, I'm feeling it right now. Do you think that's the reason you're fat? Yeah. I mean, I would like to lose weight, but I can't because my head would look weird. Yeah, it would make your head look weird. I want to eat salads. I don't want to have fried chicken for breakfast three days in a row. Your body was like, oh, we got to do something about this head.

Yeah. Proportions. I do got a big ass head though. I lost a little weight in college and my head looked hilarious. Okay. So we have to have like some kind of bit this week. So let's say that there are famous celebrity executions. Okay.

Who would you like to see killed? How? And how would it go down? Who would you like to see killed? How? And how would it go down? Who would I like to see killed? Yeah, so, you know, I'm saying, like, you know, we're going to ease into it. America's going to have to get to this point. But probably in, like, five, six months, we're going to see, you know, Trevor Noah shot, you know, executed.

Uh-huh. Lena Dunham, for sure. Oh, yeah. But they're going to save that one, you know. That's, like, the main event.'re gonna save that one You know That's like the main event Yeah yeah of course Yeah Oh fuck

How would they How would they die Would Lena Dunham die Just like in a I was saying fed Fed to rats I think that would be cool If they have a big rat pit

In the White House And they Just very hungry rats Yeah Well he tricks He's like Lena I would love it If, he tricks her. He's like, Lena, I would love it if you would come over for we're going to have a great dinner.

It's going to be a fantastic dinner. And then he fattens her up. She Hansel and Gretel's her. Yeah, yeah. It's a long dinner table. She's on one end bringing her food, but there's a hole that leads to the rat pit underneath her chair, and the chair is placed on saran wrap.

So as Lena continues to eat, eventually the chair tears through down to the rat pit. It's broadcast on Fox. It's a primetime special. Good to see the rats eat her. That's cool. And guess who's watching? That's right, John Glenn, American hero. He's in the audience today.

Let's go to John. John, it's been 60 years since you were the first man to use the N-word in orbit. How do you feel about this? How do you feel about watching this woman be eaten by rats? Or like, you know how the celestials in Deadwood feed people to feed people to pigs yeah yeah you know like that kind of thing i like like medieval is that a uh early slur they made it up for deadwood half the shit deadwood is made up they don't really yeah because the way the language in deadwood i'm watching it right now. Oh, Moonies.

Oh, because they have like a lunar calendar? Lunars. Yeah, that makes sense. I've never seen the Moonies. The way they talk in Deadwood, that's not historically accurate. No, no, it's not. They made it up for the show, and that's why the show's so good. It's so well-written. It's so cool.

But, you know, it's not a particularly good show. I disagree. I think the dialogue's great. Have you gotten to the episode yet? The two episodes where Swearengin's not in it? I just got... I think the dialogue's great have you gotten to the episode yet the two episodes where Swearingen's not in it I just got I just passed that

yeah those episodes the beginning of season two those episodes but the two episodes immediately preceding those are incredible is that where Dan

gets into the fight with Silas no it's where Swearingen gets in the fight with uh fucking Bullock yeah

yeah and but it's like they get if you're not in the fight with fucking Bullock. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like they get in. If you're not familiar with the show, Sandra Bullock is, she plays, so Deadwood is a bit of a show about a wagon that can't go less than five miles per hour. Otherwise, they'll explode. Or they lose all their slaves. Oh, fuck. It's really good.

Okay, what about these executions? I think Lin-Manuel's got to go. Oh, yeah. Lin- really good. Okay, what about these executions? I think Lin-Manuel's got to go. Oh, yeah, Lin-Manuel's going for sure. Yeah, but those are too obvious. And he's going to be thrown into a burning dumpster by Immortal Technique. That was so awesome. He got bullied by a cool-ass fucking dude. A cool rapper?

A cool rapper. I don't think Immortal Technique's cool, but... He's cooler than Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. He's corny. He's like the mean version of Lin lindman yeah yeah you're right he's corny he's like the mean version of lin-manuel right right right they're like two different sides of the same right right right right right uh of woke rap so lin-manuel's gotta go

um i think chris collinsworth the football announcer not only football announcer? Not only football announcer, the former host of the Guinness World Records TV show. No. Really? Yeah. Chris Collinsworth hosted it.

What? I would love to see him executed. He hosted a non-sports thing? Yeah. That's awesome. I'd love to see rats

just eat Chris Collinsworth alive. Yeah. No, he can't go rats. You can't go all rats. Oh, no, no. I thought it was rats was the format.

No, rats is reserved for Lena. He gets his head kicked off like a football. We should have kickers kick him in the head. I just want him to feel like a fucking idiot before he dies to know that everyone thinks he's such a fucking idiot. That sucks. What did he do? Wait, did he say something?

Did I miss anything Chris Collins wrote to you? No, it just sucks, dude. Okay, all right. Oh, just people who we think suck? Yeah, yeah. How about this? Terry Bradshaw catches... They set Chris Collinsworth up.

Let's go. Chris Collinsworth fucks Terry Bradshaw's daughter. Oh, wow. Terry Bradshaw comes in and... Gets mad. Yeah, he gets mad and kills him. I like that. That'd be fun.

Who else do we want to see die just oh oh Rosie is for sure Rosie O'Donnell she's a client

dude Rosie O'Donnell is going to start the resistance she has an underground bunker here's what we're going to do Rosie here's what we're going to do Rosie we're going to put you

in a bathtub and we're going to hold you face down in a bunch of Nickelodeon gack until the bubbles stop coming up we're going to hear nothing but a bathtub, and we're going to hold you face down in a bunch of Nickelodeon gack until the bubbles stop coming up. We're going to hear nothing but queefing noises until you're completely exhausted from this world.

Okay? Rosie, that's your choice. I think it really returned to prominence. I didn't think about it for 20 years until this election cycle. Oh, this election? Yeah. She hasn't done shit since. How about they do this?

They sew Rosie O'Donnell's mouth onto Michael Moore's stomach so she can only breathe through her nose. And as Michael Moore gets fatter, eventually the pathway to her nose is sealed by his weight and the heat. It's like human centipede, except Michael Moore has complete control over it

and could save her life but chooses not to because he's addicted to Tootsie Rolls. Boosie, I'm sorry about this. I know, I know. This is wrong. I'm so sorry.

I just have to have one more slice of cheesecake. I'm going to start tomorrow. I'm pro double M, dude. I'm pro Mike Moore. Mike Moore. He was right.

He got the election right. He was right. He got the election right. And you know what? I liked a lot of his documentaries. He really does look like a talking, decomposing jackal. He's disgusting. He looks like a woman.

He's got that weird fucking neck pussy. He hangs out of his hat and they look like dog ears yeah he looks like an extra all dogs go to heaven yeah like some dog that's down on its luck that's like charlie please stop trump there was a mom there was a mom on my baseball team bulldog one of the moms on my baseball team one year looked exactly like on your baseball team one year. It looked exactly like my- On your baseball team? Yeah. One of the kids. Adam played Mom League Baseball. I played Mom League Baseball. It was a league of their own. It was me, Rosie, the Michael Moore mom. The League of Their Own is a good-ass movie, dude.

Yeah, it's dope. It's a league of getting owned, and it's Adam and Seth Cockfield. Seth Dickfield. Who's that guy? Who's that other guy? Yeah, I don't know. I'm thinking about doing a new character named Barf Seth Touch. That way it's different enough that- Okay. Barf? Yeah, you don't know. I'm thinking about doing a new character named Barf Seth Touch. That way it's different enough that...

Okay. You know... Barf? Yeah, Barf Seth Touch. Okay. You just shift it enough that you can't... Yeah. You can't reasonably say I'm making fun of Seth Cotter.

Well, that's not a character. You're talking about a new guy you just met. Yeah. Barf Seth Touch. Well, I'll forget about it and we'll bring it back later. Okay. I still can't believe that barista thing. I'm telling this white lady, it's going to be fascism.

And she's just rolling her eyes. And I'm there and I've got crumbs all over my shirt. My pants have fallen down. Everyone can see my ass. And then I look over at the Indian woman who also works there, who I know is Indian somehow, by the way. There's no way she's any other ethnicity or nationality. South Asian. She's got to be Indian.

And me and her, we're looking at each other, and we just know. You know, that's what I love is that all these stories always involve him sharing a look with someone that he thinks he's relating to. Right, right, right. But he's the least self-aware person in the world. And he has no idea that people fucking hate him yeah so the stories never involve anyone agreeing with them there's always a black guy was it yeah there was a black guy in the corner and i'm sure he felt the same way i do there was a black woman sighing loudly clearly at the barista yeah she yeah she was she was eating hot fire cheetos in my ear. That's a sign of respect in our community. I heard it.

She was probably thinking, you go, boy. Oh, boy. I knew she respected me. I could sense it. I have a sixth sense for women of color. Well, the food's here, so that's going to be the end of the episode. Wait, wait, wait. Don't we have a live show?

The 28th of this month, November, the Monday after Thanksgiving at Come On Everybody. We're having a live show. That's the name of the bar, Come On Everybody. It's on Franklin Avenue in Brooklyn. The show sells out every time, so I don't even think we need to plug it. We should plug it, get more people out. It doesn't matter.

It's going to sell out anyways. Please come. Adam's friends buy tickets six weeks in advance. He has a very supportive friend group. Nick is making this up. It's not true.

Please come to the show. Please come to the show, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Just don't bother coming. Shut up, you beach house. All right. See you later.

All right, bye.