The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 270 – semone biles

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

congrats to simone biles for acknowledging that the olympics are fucking lame

Um, check, check, check, my dick is small. Check, my penis. Ooh wee, how we doing everybody? Welcome to come town pre-vacation edition. Just making sure that works. Yeah, you gotta check the, check all the levels. The sisters and the, out there listening. On the iPods and the radios.

And by the way, folks, we're not saying anything. It's whatever's in your mind. That's what they call Zoom. They call it the iPod. I've never heard that. Yeah. I've never heard that, but I'm not going to say that you're wrong necessarily.

That's what Apple calls it. Really? Because I remember Steve Jobs doing that keynote. When somebody asked and they're like, can you actually explain what the difference is between the Zoom and the iPod? And Tim's like, you know, there's Steve Jobs. Steve Apple was like, Steve Apple.

He was like, he just stared at this guy and he's like, all right, you want to Zoom? Then go ahead and buy Zoom. That's if you're a fucking. Oh, are you surprised? Oh, wow. You're surprised? Let's take a look.

Let's go live to the fucking New York Stock Exchange right now. And the Apple numbers are going through the roof. Right. And he's like, everything I touch is gold. It's gold, you fucking. I had a Zoom. I had a Zoom when I was in middle school or high school.

I don't think I've ever even seen a Zoom. I was part of the Zoom crew, brother. Oh, yeah. A lot of my life was spent getting the bootleg versions of everything. We've already discussed the air walks, where you couldn't have real skate shoes. You got the pay less version.

Oh, yeah. My life, I was shopping at Burlington Coat Factory. I got made fun of for having air walks for being a poser. Right. And it's like, well, I do skateboard. I'm just bad at it. That's not a poser. In fact, I've got more.

The fact that I'm continuing to do something that I'm bad at makes me more authentic. Absolutely. You know what I mean? I'm not a fucking poser. A poser would not skate at all. Exactly. I'm a fucking loser.

A poser would have to. Excuse me. I'm not a poser. I'm a loser, thank you. I'm a faggot. I'm a faggot. It seems you have been mistaken again. You may kick my ass, but you will never

take from me the fact that I am a faggot. Yeah. I had a lot of bootleg shit. I remember one. If you're at Apple, we call the Zoom the iPod for it. And we call the, what's the other one? iPod, iPad, iPhone. There's one.

There was the Zoom. Oh, you mean another MP3 player? Yeah. I don't, do they have names? Winamp. Yeah, we call that iTunes for a fucking weird Apple. Winamp? Winamp.

What the fuck is that? It's iTunes that you'd use if you're a fucking. OK. Steve Jobs giving one of the most electric performance keynote addresses for the state of the getting your dick sucked. It's the Worldwide Developer Conference. And what does that stand for? Wide motherfucking dick, swinging, and I'm Steve Jobs.

And I'm Steve Jobs, and I'm never getting cancer. I'm never going to get cancer. Why? Because my dick's too big. I pulled down my pants and I said, this guy is either a f*** or a f*** or a cock like that, and I said, neither, I'm a millionaire. Steve Jobs had that kind of, you ever see those dicks in Pornos, where it was like, there would always be like some Brazilian guy.

And it was like, their dicks were like, like the Austin Powers cock pumps. And they would pump, or maybe they would like inject like saline or something into them, and they would just have these hysterically large cocks. That's what Steve Jobs had. That didn't get it. They never got hard. Yeah. I saw a couple Pornos in my youth when I was really just cranking through

whatever to beat off. Last week at a conference, Bill Gates said that I'm a f***. But I want you guys to know that it's actually Bill Gates that's a f***. And a f***. Welcome to the Worldwide Developer Conference. And by the way, you can touch the screen now on your phone and it works. You can touch the screen, just like you can touch your mama's f***. I went to Bill Gates' house and I touched his mama's f***.

Because I'm Steve Jobs. A f*** and a f***. Wait, you're both of those two? And now I'm a f***. I thought you just said Bill Gates was those things. He's them separately. But in a bad way? In a bad way.

But you're, what are you in a good way? I'm a f***. But the good guy. But the good guy. Steve Jobs. Yeah. Yeah, the beep rules, dude. I'm a beep beep, but the good way.

It makes the show so much better. I agree with you 100%. Yeah. Oh. Who's got the keys to the Jeep? Yeah. Damn, bro. F***, I'm out here in beautiful f*** Brooklyn, New York,

gazing at it. I'll be away from here for almost a month. More than a month. Yeah, I'll be here the whole time. Dude, you got to go somewhere exotic. I'm going on a vacation. And by that, I mean I'm going to start a new file in Red Dead Redemption 2.

Play through the game again. Put on a f***ing Hawaiian shirt and we're starting new file. This time I'm giving myself a second chance in life. I'm going to make sure to take the hair tonic in chapter 1. Make sure that I get Arthur's beard exactly the way it should be. By the end of the story, so I don't, in my own personal life, have to grow a giant beard for two years

to prove that I could do it. You have to do it early to get his beard long? It's funny because it's like people, like I was this girl was like, yeah, when you grow the beard, it seems like you're hiding something or whatever. And it is true. My psychology works like everybody else's. But they make the mistake of not realizing

how retarded I am. Right, right, right. And literally the only reason I grew a beard is because I got to the end of Red Dead Redemption 2 and I did not take the hair tonic in chapter 2 and 1. And so Arthur's beard never reached a full level 10. The mustache was like, you know, I got Max's mustache, but the beard itself, like the chair.

I had no idea you could, so no matter how much hair tonic you get towards the end, the less you take it. Yeah, unless you time it all right, you never get Arthur's beard right. Wow, that's f***ed up. Yeah. What's the point of a tonic? I don't know, but I had to grow a two-year beard myself.

And you showed the f***ing developers of Rockstar Games? I did it. I literally, it destroyed my relationship. Yep. You know, I was living with somebody. They left me. Yes, and it was worth it. And you would think, yeah, of course.

Without question. That was six months in. I was like, well, now I'm committed to this project. By the way, I'm growing a giant beard now. You are? No, no, no. That's what you said to her. Oh, yeah, I said that.

By the way, bitch, it's happening. And notice, I see that you're crying because I've been doing nothing but playing this cowboy game. I just want to let you know that I will be growing a beard to be more like my friend from the game. No, I do not want to go get drinks with your friends for work. No, I don't want to see your gay-ass friends, who I've actually been friends with longer than you, but then when you became

friends with them, I no longer remember. No, I think they're gay. No, I think they're gay. No, kind of like it's kind of a Steve Jobs Bill Gates situation. Where as you are a f***ing and a f***ing, I am the f***ing. And she just couldn't understand that. She just couldn't understand that. It's just chapter three, the Obama stories.

The Obama stories. The Obama book is chapter three. Getting pussy from Michelle. Getting pussy from Michelle and becoming a true f***ing instead of just a f***ing, becoming Steve Jobs instead of Bill Gates. Getting pussy from Michelle. I bet you thought I met my wife.

I met Michelle Kwan, the figure skater. I met Michelle Wellbeck, the author. What is she right? He wrote. Oh, it's a guy. It's a guy. A French guy. A lot of people don't know French guys.

They got pussy. They got a little pussy underneath their balls. You can f***ing them in their f***ing. You lift up their little French balls and they got a pussy there. I f***ed a four-year-old boy from Thailand. And while I was doing it, he turned around and he called me a f***ing. And I said, hey, that's f***ing to you. Damn, dude.

Dreams of my father. Yeah. Chapter three. Flags of our father. Getting pussy in Iwo Jima. And the big thing this week is some woman found a book where another woman had annotated Charles Bukowski and the margins. Did she?

Yeah, that's the big thing on Twitter. Charles Bukowski. That's the guy that's forced to read Charles Bukowski. Or as I called him, f***ing. I was just the kind of guy that wasn't husband. That's the kind of things I would say back in those days. Beep, bub, beep, beep. If you called him f***ing, f***ing.

And then also sometimes just f***ing. He would say, what are you doing, I said I'm reading a little bit of f***ing. Why does everybody always talk about that f***ing guy? Wasn't he just the guy who would like get f***ed up and get pussy? Yeah. It seems so okay to me as far as I'm concerned. Now, of course, I've never read a book by him. I will never read a book by him.

But you know what? I was reading the book Dune. Dune. Yeah. And then Bukowski was gay from the get-go. I don't really know anything about him, like I said. I know that annoying girls don't like him. No, I remember when annoying girls did like Bukowski when I was a teenager.

And the thing about Bukowski I always thought was gay because they were like, oh, he's like disgusting and he's an alcoholic or whatever. I'm like, yeah, and then he does gay ass poetry. Right. Real alcoholics. You can just do these. Passing out behind their f***ing Hyundai Elantras in a f***ing school zone. That's what you're doing.

You're f***ing with their foot on the brake and somehow they fell asleep like that. I don't need to write a poem. No. Yeah. I can just piss myself in a public park. That's what a real disgusting alcoholic does. There you go. From the New Yorker, the post-dirtbag left for years, chap.

I don't understand who, imagine you're just some f***ing f***ing like old boomer. Right. Right. And you're only like last year you learned that you shouldn't say f***ing. You know what I'm referring to, black police office. Right. You're loud. And you're like...

You think they found that out last year? Yeah. Like, oh, Donald. Donald, the New New Yorker has come. Aren't I just the happiest little f***ing in the world? Yeah. And I can read my New Yorker magazine. I hope they have some nice pictures of f***ing Fauci.

With my f***ing friends while we all talk about sucking Dr. Fauci's penis. And little f***ing Dr. Fauci. Damn, the beep was going to be the MVP of this episode. Let's see. What articles do we have in the New Yorker today? The post-dirtbag left. What does that mean? For years, chapo trap house?

And what is this f***ing bullshit? For years, chapo trap house. The one we got prepped for his 14th birthday. He got prepped so he could have gay sex with his f***ing friends. Because one of them said... For years, chapo trap house and other podcasts have paired anti-capitalist ideas with a rhetorical style of social media. Is a new form emerging?

Shut up, you f***ing losers. I don't need to read this, but it's like, I'm a boring fag. I'm jealous that these guys are rich. I'm threatened by the fact that a different type of nerd beat me to the punch and be... Now it's my turn to be cool. Wait a second. These nerds found out how to get rich and pussy. And I'm a f***ing gay ass magazine my whole life.

And I'm a f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing of January 6th while guard troops were still trying to remove an insurrectionist mob from the Capitol. The right-wing activist, L. Brent, bozzled the third. No, that's that guy's name. How about you L. Wright, bobble my nuts in your mouth three times, bish? Appeared as a guest on Fox Business. They believed this election was stolen, he said of the rioters. I agree with them. They're furious about the deep state. I agree with them. He suffered a limp concession or two. You can't countenance our national capital being breached,

but spent most of the time zigzagging across the fit. This is gay. Oh yeah. I could have told you that. I know. I mean, I knew it. Oh, I could have told you that chief. This is all about that. It starts off talking about chapeau and then it's five paragraphs about the insurrection at the Capitol. How about a little erection at the Capitol? What?

What about that? Here he goes. In February, Zeke was charged with three federal crimes. A week and a half later, the two hosts of Know Your Enemy, a podcast founded in 2019 that builds itself as a leftist guide to the conservative movement. So, you know, we're going to cancel Comptown. We're getting rid of it. Yep. And we're starting a new show called Murder She They. Murder They wrote.

Yeah, Murder She Her, and it's an LGBTQ crime comedy podcast. Okay. I like that. But this time for leftists. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And what kind of people are they? Well, we cover a crime each week. From what kind of perspective?

From the LGBTQ leftist feminist perspective. And what would they call, what would they call themselves? The he, she, whatever. In the first episode, it's about a couple of, I was trying to get you to trust me, I'm on it. I know. I know exactly what we have to do. Every which way, but lose.

Oh, yeah. I don't know what that means. Every which way, but in my asshole, I sure love saying it, leftist guide to the conservative movement, but like who, who are they like fucking like, I mean, I guess it's probably the same people listen to this. You have to understand something is neither of us have ever listened to a single episode of this show. Never.

Or honestly, any other podcast. I have listened to every basketball podcast that exists, but I'll never listen to a comedy or fucking politics or listen to serial when podcasts were like, you know, yeah, I was like, all right, it was when I got a smart. I used to listen before, before I moved to New York, I listened to when I had an office job, I listened to a ton of shit. I listened to comedy bank. Yeah.

I didn't listen to anything. I listened to Bobby's podcast. I listened to serial. And then I used to listen to a lot of smoking tire when I had when I would like drive trucks on commercials. And I just had to sit in a truck all day long. And that's it. Literally only podcast at serial doesn't, I didn't even really count that no smoking

tires. The only podcast I really listened to, you listen to smoking tire and you actually lived smoking pole. I didn't. That was your favorite thing to do. Well, they called me smoking pole Robinson. Yeah. Because I would get my dicks.

No, they wouldn't. Yes, they did. They called you Nikki, Nikki, Smokey, Poli. They called you. Yeah. So what? It was an ironic name because I'm actually not that whatever you're imagining. They used to call me Nick, the Nick dick sucking because I would get my dick.

They would call you dick sucking Nick because I would get my dick sucked by girls. I really don't think that's what they did. Well, that's what I I never followed up with them. Yeah. But would people be like, there's a cocksucker and yeah, there's a guy named Nick, I mean I'm like, yeah, they probably called me that because girls suck my dick, which they don't. But I what they think, they think that because of the way I carry myself, the way I carry my dick and suck and the way I hold it with my dick.

I tweezers with my my my index finger and thumb out of just I hold the tip out of the zipper of my pants. And then when people say, what are you doing? I'm like, it's in case I have to pee. It's in case. So some of us don't want to pee in our pants. Yeah. Ever think of that?

And then they beat the shit out of you suck their dicks. I'm like, teacher, I want to go back to the even more retarded class. I don't think I'm ready for for for emotional retards. I need I need brain retards. I was the king of the brain retard class. I want to go back to the class with one of the students as a dog. Oh, baby, it's a fastball right down the middle for us says Sam Adler Bell, one of the hosts. How about you?

I would like them to profile my balls. The other who is Matthew Sitman. We're like Matthew sits down to pee. Oh, shit. Or since it's not sure that's good since the mass sits on my dickman. Now the math girl sits down to pee woman. I like it because of the density of fucking. Sits on my dickman.

I'm still going to go with but that's I like your your route to moments more vicious. It is. It's more of a vicious takedown. But that's why I'm the vicious one on the show. Yeah, you're Vishnu Vishnu, the Indian God of burns and deep burns and so I can take a retard class being held down by kids with cigarette burns on their arms from this article is so gay. Yeah, of course it is.

This is a really great opportunity for us to dive into some deep cut conservative lore. It was less than two minutes into the episode and already he had made a self consciously erudite joke about Leo Strauss and another about the carless movement in postwar Spain. Wow, that sounds fucking hilarious, dude. I don't want to learn anything I have to say. How about the hot carless movement in your fucking mouth after I had a fucking Chipotle burrito double meat extra guacamole and hot sauce and I had a fucking cold brew. I'm taking a big fat Chipotle hot car right in your mouth, I got some homework for you

right here. Yeah. What did you do? Suck Stov's dick. Yeah, it's a new era of podcasts where we try to outchapo the chapo guys and it's certainly because you know we bring something new to the table. It's definitely not a bunch of bandwagon bullshit from hipsters. It's not a bunch of trend chasing dickheads.

I don't know. These guys are probably nice. I don't know. Yeah. They probably live right next to me. I don't even know who those guys are. I have no idea. The New Yorker guy can suck my dick.

The New Yorker guy can. Let's not forget who the real target here is. The New Yorker guy who can suck my dick. Yeah. And look, I'm not even saying that that guy's podcast is bad. I just don't want to listen to podcasts to learn. My dick is too big to do that. I listen to podcasts to hear about whether Buddy Heald is going to be traded to the Lakers

or not. I don't want to learn about Hot Carl unless it's the rapper who actually, actually no way, Hot Carl is that guy who did the shrimp tails thing for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. So I take that back. I don't even want to learn about Hot Carl. Personally, I don't even like doing podcasts. I have to do them. Yeah.

None of us want to do these podcasts. The complaint here is that. That's the thing. I have a problem with anyone who wants to do a podcast. Yeah. Speaking of which, it's time to get fucking paid, folks. But what I don't have a problem with is. If you like, when you guys get paid, whatever your job is, you go to Cushy Dreams, Cushy

Dreams. Yeah. It is CBD. Cushy Dreams and you buy, you spend your money on Cushy. You got to balance it because you got a budget. You got to figure out. Of course. You, let's say you guys, you're working, you're getting your Stimmy's money and you're

working in the food court at the mall. I mean, it's going to, I'm going to make myself seem as out of touch from regular, you know, you're working your ass off at blockbuster. Yep. You're getting your down to five at radio. You're ready to buy a gateway computer from fucking your city and you're, you're buying a VCR. Your day job where you buy a VCR at circuit city with a, a, a, you take, you put your

subway token in to take the, the, what's the train they've discontinued? S. Now the S is just the shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central. It used to be like the V, but I think they brought that back. I don't think there is a V. Then we'll go with the V. The V. Cause the, the W they brought back, W runs it through Queens.

I see it a very often. Yeah. Cause I think the R was supposed to be done by now and it wasn't. So they brought the W. There was, there was running. Yeah. But the R used to go like through the, the river, I believe it still does. It does now.

I know you can take the R, the, the R is separate from the NW, the R runs with the M, but they're both Queens. They're both on the yellow line in Queens and they run through different parts of Queens, but they meet up in Manhattan. I've never really lived off either one of any of the, the, what are the, what are the yellow trains called? I'm all, I'm Mr. Yellow.

Yeah. Never in my life. I'm Mr. Fucking Yellow. I'm a G train and L train guy. No. In the Chinatown days. I'm R and M.

BDFM. BDSM. I love that. Oh, I love our BDFM. I love the BD. That's why they call that in Chinatown. I love going on on the train and have at Cushydreams.com to have, to have, to have, uh, Vicious Gasex.

Vicious Gasex. On Cushydreams.com. And you know how those Chinese guys numb their assholes? When you go to Cushydreams.com. By smoking high quality CBD from our friends at Cushydreams.com. Anyways, you're, you're at fucking, you're on the, the Q train on your job, the circuit city where you sell VCRs to, uh, to, in exchange for Pokemon cards or, yes, whatever the fuck it is.

You got to balance your budget where you got to spend half the money on Cushydreams and promo code COMTOWN. Which would be 20% off. The other money at patreon.com. That's right. That's right. Yeah. And whatever's left over, make sure to go to stabby.biz slash tour, buy tickets to my

tour, coming to a town near you, or buy a t-shirt. And then make sure you wear a t-shirt from COMTOWN to STAV SHOWS. Well, no, no. Well, wear a t-shirt from STAVY.Biz slash shop. Well, then don't buy the tickets. Well, buy the tickets and wear the shirt. Listen, buy the shirt from COMTOWN, but don't wear it to STAV SHOW and think, and he's going to be happy to see it.

Because he didn't see a cent from that fucking t-shirt. He's going to be happy to see it. He's going to be pissed off. He won't even take a picture with you if you're wearing one of those shirts. And when he sees that shirt and he's mad, you can calm him down with some Cushydreams. You could. With promo code COMTOWN. You could do that.

You could do that. Free shipping on all orders over $75. So only come, only wear Nick's shirts if you bring me at least $40 of Cushydreams. And that part is censored. That you use from... STAV just said he doesn't want to say anything. No. I didn't say that at all.

No. Shirts. If you're a... They can hear me talk through the beep. They can hear me talk. No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! They're going to keep that shirt and keep it mount for Gav! Um-hum! I don't want to stand in theorer side of the line.

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They need to make that package. They need to make my wife's panties out of that packaging. 100% guaranteed delivery. I wish my wife's pussy had that instead of all these miscarriages and retards she keeps children right that I have to sell into Chinese slavery full flower full spectrum full flavor available and create dream energy hustle piece and all that stuff remember those options with a simple mnemonic device CDE HPR which is come on down and enjoy humping penis and rape.

Yep, come on down and enjoy humping penis and rape. Come on down and enjoy huge penis and rape and that's create dream energy hustle piece and relax. Smoke your CBD because you can. They offer individual hemp pre-rolled joints full gram pre-rolls rolled in organic hemp paper. You also have the half gram pre-roll joints, those are nice. I kind of like the big boys.

I'm a half gram guy myself. I'm going to get blasted to your face off one of those first thing in the morning and then rewatch Andre Rubelev kind of mood. Nothing wrong with that brother. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Smokable CBD hemp flower in 3.5 grams as one eighth of an ounce for all you math nerds. They got eighth tens. They got the full gram joints if you want to be like Nick or they got the half gram joints

if you want to be like me with a little ass prick of dough. So what you're going to want to do is right now go to cushydreams.com that's kushydreams.com use promo code come town. We got some customer reviews here from Daniel K. I wonder that stands for it. You want to guess? Absolutely fantastic product. I sleep like a baby the whole night through with no stress streams and I wake up with zero fog ready to get after it.

That's awesome. Cheers. Daniel K. a pedophile is what this is. That's right. I remember this guy. I guess they probably delete that part of the website. Just reading customer reviews from their website. I'm sure.

I don't know if they like that or not. I think they love it. Cushydreams provides extraordinary. And if they don't, Nick, can I tell you something? If they don't, they can suck my dick. They can suck his penis. They can make with the check and suck my dick as far as I'm concerned. Their flowers are slow-cured, hand-trimmed, always organic.

Like my cock. Our experience growers never rush each small batch. Each harvest is methodological and artisanal and our packaging, nitrogen-sealed cans and glass tubes lock in the flavor of freshness. Yes, sir. Yazeer. Premium, private. You know, I just got a hankering for checks.

Rice checks. Checks are good, dude. Yeah. Checks are... I'm more of a corn checker. Talk to the rest of this read, actually. Let's talk about checks for a second. I'd love that.

Checks, yeah. The corn... Well, we said the promo code, right? We did. Yeah. Promo code, come down. The read is over. Read is over.

20% off, a million dollars, something like that. We had... Yeah. Listen back to old episodes. A million dollars worth of fake weed. And it's actually... It is very nice. We do use...

We actually do use this product. Yeah. There's some shit on the... I'll tell you. The Smokey Dreams I smoke, I use the Ridge Wallet. I fucking... Gamble. I gamble, for sure.

I lose a lot of money, but that's me. That has nothing to do with the product. That's just Nick. The website, it's kind of hard for Nick to lose money, actually. I feel like we'll talk about that a little later, actually. We'll talk about that in exactly 17 minutes. I do want to say, before we talk checks, I am about to go on tour. The August shows, I just want to highlight these, Portland.

We added a second show. We sold out the 18th on a Wednesday. We added a Tuesday show, the 17th. Then I'm in Seattle on the 20th and 21st. Tickets, those are going fast. And then I'm in Utah, Salt Lake City, the 26th through the 28th. And then, of course, Denver. Those tickets are going fast as well.

That's September 12th. So buy tickets of those and also Acme. We got more coming up. But those are the ones coming up right now. Buy those tickets, you little fuckers. Portland, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, and Acme, Minneapolis. Stavi.biz slash tour. I'm excited to see you little fucking slats there.

Anyway, checks. So you go rice checks, huh? Yeah. Listening to know your enemy can feel like visiting a semi-reclusive friend whose apartment is crammed without a print books, but who always keeps a stash of good bourbon on hand. Kill yourself. Whoever wrote this can really suck my dick. What a fucking, yeah.

Can truly slurp on my little nut sack. Some guy in Tiva's riding his bicycle around Park Slope with his messenger bag drinking in this podcast life. Who sips bourbon and coughs, by the way. Who takes a sip of bourbon and goes. Special podcast life that he lives. New York sucks. These people ruin it.

That's why I like Queens, dude. Nobody knows what the fuck pot. No one knows what chapeau is in Queens. We need more retards to move the Brooklyn. I hate coming here because people know who we are here in Queens. No one knows who the fuck I am. It's all these fucking, it's all Eastern European guys. It's all guys that have my body type, my hairstyle.

They got chains on. They operate a restaurant that I've only seen three people ever go into. They have food I don't know about. It's good shit. Or you get a lot of fucking young Arabs with expensive cars. It's just a lot of hookah going on there. Nobody knows what a fucking podcast is over there. If they do, it's like, you know, I don't know.

I don't know what kind of podcast they would even fucking listen to. It would be like if a while and now it made a podcast. That's what they would listen to. Yeah. The only podcast I'd listen to at this point is like a guy with down syndrome trying to put together Ikea furniture. You just want to hear the sounds of that. Well, him walking us through the process.

So it's him trying his best to tell you how to do it. All right. We got a thing here. The colon is a dowel. Mm-hmm. Boy, I feel like I got a dowel syndrome over there. So he's pretty witty. Yeah.

Yeah. I would write this. I would write it. I would be the head writer on that show. Okay. All right. That is conceptually. I think you could do that.

It's called Talking Ikea with Chris Hart. Chris Hart. Oh, you know what? I take it back. I do. I used to listen to talking Sopranos during the pandemic. Really? Yeah.

I love Michael Imperial and Steve Sharipo. Yeah, this is all just a glowing profile of this guy's friend's podcast. And you know what? Again, I don't know those guys, their podcast, but the writer, I can say, can suck my dick. That's my issue with it, is how little this guy's dick is. Yeah, podcasts suck. What's scrolled down? What else he got?

I don't know. Let's see how he wraps it up at the very end. I have not. It's just sent to me, so I haven't really dug into this. I'm trying to find something that's not just more of the same. Oh, you know what? I also listened to the book back. That was pretty good.

What I can tell from this is that, I mean, now we've moved on completely from the fucking the lead. It's no longer about some post dirtbag left thing. It's listened to this show instead of Chappo. And then they're just talking about these guys. Right. Or what? They've got a lot of books and they drink bourbon and one of these parents for Christians.

I don't know. I already forgot. Maybe he wants to suck their cocks. Aaron Morance. Oh, yeah. I think that says something like that or Andrew Mauricio. Andrew Mauricio wants to suck these guys' cocks. Yeah.

Maybe that's what's happening here. I do have to hand up again, admit I actually did learn. I listened to the blowback podcast. It's very good and I did learn while walking. So hand up. That's on me. I accidentally learned because our friends do blowback and I clicked the link I saw on Twitter.

What was blowback? I don't know what any of these shows are. It's about, the one I listened to is the one about how we got into the fucking Iraq war. I don't care. I didn't care, but I was, all my basketball podcasts were over and it's really well, you know, it was well done. So but that's the one exception.

No, we got to have it. I'm sorry. I admit it. I fucked up. I learned. We're going to call up the New Yorker. I'm sorry. We're calling up the New Yorker.

We're doing an article. We're going to find the guy with Down syndrome. Okay. Take a little field trip arena to IKEA. Let's get him. Let's get his fucking Reese's covered mitts on some Malm boxes. And then we got, then we got the next big hit of the summer. Yeah.

I still don't know what this is about. Who cares, dude? All right. Here we go. We're talking about how you should, why you shouldn't listen to chapeau anymore. When podcast chapeau began in March, it served a real need, the need to suck my dick scanning for the word, but bearded white guys, Felix and Matt to Christmas. To one host with any red state cred.

This guy can suck my dick. All right. Whoever wrote this article can suck my heart as little penis. Yeah. This is what I hate. Chapeau came to exemplify an online subculture that called itself the dirtbag left, although it's flagship products for podcasts, chapeau, street fright, radio, and come town. What?

Literally, never fucking losers. Never. All we, we just did a podcast that we didn't think was going to be successful and people are stupid enough to give us money and we're trapped at doing it. Okay. There's stuck. That's it. That's all that's happened.

They call it the dilemma. They call it the dilemma. Why don't you put that in your article? Yeah. Quote me on that chief. Yeah. I remember, I remember at the planning meeting when we launched come town when me, you, Will, the guys from the other podcasts sat around the table and we said, well, guys, we really

would like to be the smart ones. But if we have to be the fucking morons that talk about sucking our dad's cock, we played rock, we played rock, remember we played rock, paper, scissors with Will over who got to do the sucking your dad's cock podcast and who got to do the one that knows about politics. I don't remember that. I don't remember anything. That's right. You were, I still don't understand.

We were huffing glue in the corner. I still don't understand what the point of this article is. Who, who is this for? Who reads this? Nobody. Who's reading a 5000? I guess me to get angry. Yeah.

That's true. You're getting, you're getting got by this guy to just like, but I don't like who wants like what's going, I want to know more about fucking faggots in Brooklyn recording things with their friends. I need to know more about not only the dirtbag left, which was already, I'm sorry, it's gay. That was a gay thing to ever call anybody doing anything. Yep. And now a post version of it.

What about the ball bag left? I like that. And that's when girls suck my nuts. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a socialist. Because that seems pretty cool to me. Yeah. The ball bag left. But after Sanders lost, Chappos seemed to have nothing left to say.

Who gives a fuck this guy? What is the point? Yeah. What is the title of this article? Um, I'm a jealous little bitch. It's like maybe there's a new thing. If only I got a little bit of pussy, I wouldn't write an article this fucking annoying. I forgot, but let me tell you this.

It is a God send, yeah, because we've got two minutes left until the next time we get to make a little bit more. We do the ad read and then from that read, it's smooth say really this podcast, the free podcast have become can we do 20 minutes up top? I'll tell you this guys, if, if you, maybe you're maybe we do then it's first time. Maybe you're the guy that wrote this article. Yeah. And you're listening and you're like, Hey, hey, what the hell?

Maybe you're the other guys, maybe you're the, the know your enemy guys or whatever. And we've met numerous times and we're friends and we're friends with each other and just say one, one boy. Yeah. The answer is you're going to patreon.com slash come down and give us more money so I can kill myself with drugs. Eventually Nick will kill himself. Eventually I will.

He got close like a month ago. He's he, it ebbs and flows. The next peak, if you give us money, might be higher, the real might be dangerously high enough that he does finally do it. Real post left thinking is that the only way to destroy capitalism is by doing capitalism so much that it's like when Nio steps in, they put him in the machine and he fights and he knows all the fucking kung fu and he knows all the, so I'm, it's the end of the matrix and instead of putting me into the machine, you need to put fentanyl into my

arm. That's right. And he'll see everything very clearly. Yeah. The show's 500th episode, record this February on the anniversary of the center's victory and the cognizant of the peak of this campaign. Damn, they've done 500. How many episodes have we done?

Have we done 500 episodes? No, I have no idea. Oh fuck. Oh my god. No, this is the 270th episode. I think. Yeah, but we also do bonus episodes. Oh, that's right.

Then you know what? Oh my god. Hold on. We've done 500. Yeah. Literally this Sunday will be the 500th episode. Are you serious? This is 270 and the premium is 230, so that's 500.

Oh my god. I know. It makes you want to kill yourself. Doesn't it? This sucks. It makes you want to kill yourself even more. Either kill myself or maybe go onto a website and place some wagers. Right?

Oh yeah. At mybookie.ag. Yeah, I was going to kill myself because I realized when I was 19, I wanted to do stand up comedy more than anything in the world. And somehow I'm trapped on this gay ass podcast 500 episodes later. But then I decided, no, I'm going to bet money on the Olympics using mybookie.ag. Get so rich, bet all my podcast money on a sure thing, double it, and then get so rich I can get a fucking BBL and have a luscious fat ass and all my problems will go away.

Yeah, I'm just trying to have a Fleetwood Brom that I raise a family in. Yes, sir. That's it. I want to open my fucking surf and turf restaurant. Every four years, trade out the wife for a younger, bigger, titty bitch. That would be awesome. Like a lease. We live in that Cadillac and I'm snorting lines off the dashboard illegally parked in

some city, Trenton maybe. Trenton. Beautiful. Trenton makes the world takes. Trenton makes my dick hard. That's what they put on the bridge. Trenton, man, I'm going to get that tattoo, dude. That would be awesome.

Whatever that bridge is, and then written on it, Trenton makes my dick hard. That would be great. If you're listening to the show, get that tattoo, show it to stop at the show. Do not show me a tattoo of Nick or me or anyone. Good. If you're the guy that wrote this New Yorker article, get a tattoo on your forehead of the Trenton bridge and it says, Trenton makes my dick hard. That's true.

If you're that guy, do it. And then if you really want to be post dirt bag left, prove it. Prove it. If you're getting that tattoo, checkmate, Mr. Anthony Maurizio, whatever the fuck. Maurizio de Pucisaccio. No, I'm sorry, de Pino Saccio. I'm Maurizio de Pucisaccio. This is, here we go.

We're now 37,000 words into this essay. I found the episode hard to finish because the humor was too vulgar and not because the observations were unfounded, but because none of it seemed to matter. It was like, what? What do you think this is? The lack of self-awareness. They're right. What do you think this is?

Oh, this doesn't seem to matter. My long read in the New Yorker about, don't listen to Chappo, listen to Chappo too with some guy who I had bourbon with, what we pretended we were, we were revolutionary. They probably don't even like these guys. They just needed a way. They needed to like suck something off so they could immediately get into, they couldn't just trash Chappo, right? They had to fucking ease into it by complimenting somebody else.

Let's fucking get our dick sucked by Maurizio. My bookie.ag. Which I tell you, our good friend Roy over at MyBookie.ag. Love that guy. If you ever find yourself in the MyBookie.ag offices, you say, take me to your media buying department. I want to meet that cock-sucking... I want to say hi to Roy.

That cock-sucking... Roy. I want to suck that fucking cock right here, right now. Because of the incredible deals he's given me through Come Town. Because he's shown me, he's given me a piece of the ear pussy that I can't even, you know, something. It's definitely something. Roy said he emailed me shit from this week, but I don't see the email here.

Here's what you can bet on. Sporting events to go on. The Olympics. Going on to mention Olympic basketball. You guys ever heard of the Olympics? Gymnastics, boxing, etc. Folks. Yeah, folks.

There's a lot of good shit you can bet on. And listen, football's coming up. This is great, too. It says MLB Baseball. I love it. Don't bet on the fucking Japanese league. Don't bet on the Nipines League, the Supernipon League. MLB Baseball.

Well, UFC, we got Derrick the Black Beast versus Cyril Gaine. The Black Beast is such an awesome nickname. That is a pretty good one. And you know all the other black guys in the UFC are like, damn, yeah, I could have been that instead of the black beauty. Damn, I'd love to be the black. If I was a black fighter, I would be the black beauty. The black beauty stuff for us.

The black beauty. How can I be Darth Vader? That would be awesome. Yeah, just the old license shit. Darth Vader. Mullen. The black UFC guy. We got a big fight tonight.

This week. Bet on Derrick the black UFC guy, Stavros Arnold Schwarzenegger, Halkus versus Cyril Gaine, which sounds like a fucking like Cormac McCarthy name. Cyril Gaine. Yeah, like a like a guy who owns like a fucking. What ethnicity is that even? Probably white trash. Yeah.

If I had to guess, let's look up Cyril Gaine. Let's see if he's hot. Wait, hold on. I don't want to lose my place in this. I'll look him up. This article. No, you can do. No, no, because we're just going to go through this whole thing.

Okay. And then not pay attention when the guy who wrote it spends a week complaining on Twitter about it. Oh, yeah. Absolutely not. Cyril Gaine is a, he also appears to be black and he is kind of hot. I mean, he's jacked. Oh, well, I guess he has to earn the title of the black beast.

What's what's the guy he's fighting Derek, the black beast, Gaines, Derek, the entertainer, Derek, the entertainment, Derek, the black beast, Lewis. Yeah. Oh, yeah, this guy's not as hot as Cyril, but he does appear to be a black beast. If you ask me, that's a good nickname for him. Oh, fuck my ass cheeks. Yeah. Yeah.

So you want to bet, there's a ton of shit you can bet on. Listen, the NFL is coming up better. Do you think Tom Brady's bitch ass is going to win another ring? You can fucking bet that at the beginning of the year. Is Aaron Rodgers going to fucking retire and go host Jeopardy and suck cock on the sneak behind that news promo code behind his fiance's back. Come down or come down 20. One of those ought to do it.

Is America going to win the world, the gold, gold medal, the golden penis, the golden shlong, the giving out golden penis at the elite. They should do that, dude. Give out gold cock. Yeah. Golden penis statue. I go to the Olympics. If they did that, that's the only reason I have the Olympics.

Huh? Yeah. But I was invited for what? Flying. What do you mean? They tried to have it. I'll tell you this. You think I'm lying?

1987. They invited me to the Olympics for fucking I was in the old neighborhood. Everybody knew. Everybody knew I was throwing dick better than anybody than the whole, anybody used out. They tried to put fucking in the Olympics back then. But the South Koreans said they weren't going to do it. 87 Olympics. South Korea.

Look it up. Next time you at the library. Look it up on the computer. At the library. Look it up on the motherfucking computer. Go ahead. Ask the librarian. Put my put my name in there, Derek cereal, the black beast cereal, Derek, the black captain

crunch cereal, Olympics fucking, type it in. Yeah, there's a lot of beautiful wages you can put in. And I feel like our friends over at my bookie, they got a deal for us, don't they, Nick, of some kind? Where? At my bookie? Yeah. Oh yeah.

They do. You got to check the super spreader event. Super spreader events. And they do it. No, they match your deposit up to $1,000. Wow. For free republic credits, for some type of gambling credit. I don't really know how it works.

They match. I have too much money to worry about. I don't like free money. Right. You guys like free money. I like earning my money. You broke motherfuckers. Like that shit.

Yeah. Go leverage, dude. Mm-hmm. Margin. I'm always gambling on margin. I love margin. I'll put $25 down, multiply it times 50. I said, let me get, I want, I want $50,000.

I love leveraging my position. Yeah. I want $50,000 on the diamond backs. Yeah. And then now I owe $8.2 million to my bookie.ag. But leverage is powerful. Yeah. I tell them, I tell them Molan Labe, or however you pronounce it.

Yeah, Molan Lave. Whatever you say it. Come and get it, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. I got that tattooed right underneath the Trenton Bridge. That's right. Trenton makes my dick hard, Molan Lave.

Come and get it. That actually makes sense, because what you're saying is, my dick is hard because of Trenton. Why don't you come and suck my dick? Why don't you come? Yeah. That's good. That's hard. A lot of you guys thought this was a stupid show for guys that didn't understand things,

like time to say goodbye, left anchor, death panel, and the dick, which are other shows you can listen to instead of Chapa, according to the New York Times. These motherfuckers really are jealous, man. Yeah. Sorry, dude. It wasn't going to be, it was never going to be you. You never had the sauce, Mauricio. You didn't have the sauce.

You couldn't do it. You weren't working it in here. Your balls weren't as heavy as Billy, Big Ball's Billy Menaker, all right? Keep fucking crying about it. My man's over here. He's getting paid. He's watching good movies. He's making it incredible.

What do you make us that one time in the cabin? That beautiful pasta, who, Big Ball's Billy Menaker. Oh, I don't know, but it's delicious. He's a very good boy. Oh, my God. Yeah. Motherfuckers will never be our boy. So stop writing articles.

Everything that fucking Will has ever made that I've eaten is delicious. Including his asshole, which you think loves to munch on. All right. Yes. All right. You ate Will's ass. You know what? And he made you, by the way.

You know what, dude? You didn't want to. We were all laughing at the podcaster party. We had a common enemy in Andrew Morance. Fuck that guy, too. But you did eat Will's ass. I did not eat Will's ass. And everybody loved it.

No. Except for you. No. We were all having a really good time. Everybody loved eating Will's ass, except for me. No. We all loved watching you do it. I didn't.

Because I didn't want to. And you wanted, you're like, it's my turn to eat ass. No. We just loved seeing you do that. It's my, I'm like. Because you know what? Because it's nice to see your friends doing what they're good at. Yeah.

And you finally admitted what you're good at is eating a man's ass. Yeah. And if anyone can judge you eating, it's you. That's true. Thank you. And I can. And I was right. I was right.

And you're good at it. Oh, fuck, dude. My fucking platano chips lunch is coming back up. Yeah. I had a very, I had a gentleman's lunch of plantain garlic chips. Well, anyways, fuck this guy for taking shots at Will who got his ass eaten by you. Don't try and fucking spin this part. Because this is the part that's the most important pal.

The only spin you know about is watching a cotton candy machine go around. It's spin city waiting for it's spin city with Michael J. Fox and later Charlie who you like because you hand the can of whipped cream to him. Yeah. And he shakes it up. Get it ready for me. Yeah. I like it all over the place.

I want it inserted into my mouth. I don't. Yep. What's wrong with that? Like a hamster's feeder. Oh, you're telling me you wouldn't let fucking Michael J. Fox a screen legend. No.

Back to the future. Feed you whipped cream. I would say let me meet the DeLorean. Well, he would say maybe I will if you fucking were a good guy. Let me put a little whip cream in your mouth. How about that show the man DeLorean and it's a DeLorean, but it's got a big pair of tits on the front. I thought that's what the DeLorean.

No, that's the it's a good DeLorean for guys. Okay. That's what I thought that show was and it turns out to be a bunch of gay Star Wars. That's true. That would be an awesome car. Would the tits be on the windshield or would they be where would they be on the where would you put the tits? I'm asking on the car.

Where would you put the hood on the hood? Awesome. That's awesome. Yep. That would be fucking awesome. Would it have a pussy you could fuck? No. No.

No, I don't want to fuck the car. I just wanted. I wouldn't. I don't want to be like. It's don't you want to fuck it? No, it's just, you know, it's like putting a porn in the, in the, in the office. Yeah. You know, like mechanics.

I love that move. It'd be funny if there was a guy that was just like a, like a, like a physician. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your doctor.

Yeah. Yeah. Just like some 1980s. Leaning over a car. The biggest fake as hard as you've ever seen in your life. Right. Asian woman with a snake around her shoulder and her pussy out. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, what's the guys? I'm a guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or a cashier at a supermarket. He has it in his stall.

A public, a public notary. Yeah. Like a title sign. Yeah. Hell yeah. He's just got fucking. Yeah. Just a big Polish paratid.

He's just a bitch holding a wrench. Holding a wrench on the hood of like a. Yeah. A barracuda. Yeah. That would be awesome. You know. That's true, man.

Why does that? Why do you only mechanics? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Why is that? Why do only mechanics get that? That's got to go. That's got to spread. Yeah. Well, that's the only thing their union demanded. That's no health care. They just get porn.

Just get to watch pussy. Yeah. Get to see pussy. Nice. Just filling your lungs with break dust and getting fucking mesothelioma. But at least you get to see whole. Yeah. All day.

I definitely my dad. I've said this before. My dad had some of that going on as a carpenter and I definitely jacked off. I stole. I would take the calendar into the bathroom with me, jack off and put it back. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess now we're looking at Andrew Morance's Twitter.

Fuck this guy. Yeah. I want to talk about vacation, dude. All right. Well, I just want to get through the show. This was presented to me. Sure. At the right time, by the way.

Somebody texted you as we started recording and I'm shooting. We haven't done that. We haven't done a nice little like shoot from the hip in a while. That's true. You know, that's true. Just to say fuck these guys. And I'm with listen. I'm with that.

That I love to say fuck these guys. Yeah. Fucking losers. I hope this guy doesn't have a sister with big tits. Oh, that would be fucking tragic. Now you can't titty fuck me. Can I say it? Hold on.

Hold on. If you have a sister, if man, if you exist and you have big tits, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Your brother was a retard. I apologize. Everything I was saying was a joke. Will is gay. I don't like him.

Will is gay. Felix can suck my dick. I didn't even eat his ass, to be honest. Unless you don't exist. In which case, Nick did eat his ass. He's cool. I fuck with Felix. I fuck with the whole goddamn team.

Matt's a good bloke. But if you're real, fuck Matt. Fuck his little cloth shorts that he wears everywhere. Please let me titty fuck you. I promise I'm a good guy. I mean, Andrew can get along. I thought we'll hang out. We'll play cornhole.

We'll listen to the podcast and we'll drink bourbon. We're going to fucking have a sip of bourbon at your parents' house. And we'll play cornhole. And I'll sit around the fire pit. I'll charm the whole family. Then we'll get back to you. 8, 9 p.m. I'll titty fuck you when I'm full of hushpuppets.

That would be awesome. And when I'm fucked, my guts hanging over here. Yeah. I'm on my guts. When we both barely breathe. I get rugburn on the bottom of my gut from your fucking bloated tits. And Andrew's in his own bedroom. Fucking his probably Chinese girlfriend.

You think so? Probably. I get those kind of vibes. Okay. But let me say this. If you don't exist, fuck that guy. But if you're real, what's up? What if you're real, what's up?

If you're real, let's talk titty fuck. Let's talk titty fuck? Let's talk in titties. One of my favorite fucking... The post dirt bag left. What a cool thing to be. Again, I'm part of the ball bag left, where I like to get my balls sucked. That's the part, that's the left I'm on.

So put that in your little fucking articles. The ball bag left. And the titty fucking left. The two types of left is in my support. Ball bag, getting your balls sucked, and titty fucking left. Okay? That's the kind of shit we're on. I guess we should just, we should find a hobby so we can transition this into being about

something that can be untouched by all of this. We might have to get into Warhammer 3000. We should just make it a movie podcast. We should. Movies are too close. It can't be anything that has any kind of culture or anything you can look into. Okay. It's got to be...

We should become a deep Lord of the Rings lore podcast. That's too gay. Well, okay, man. I'm fucking throwing shit out there. It's also too. I just said it can't be a movie podcast. You immediately just picked another movie. It's a book.

How about that, chief? All right. There's books of it. It's a book. Who read those books? I did. Literally nobody. Everyone saw the movies.

A lot of fucking guys did. That's one of those books everybody pretends to have read. Yeah. Like, I don't fucking know enough books. I don't know enough books. Really? Not one? Not one?

Not even topic of books that you've read. It's books that you pretend to have read. And the answer, there's no possible answer. I don't know. The Old Man in the Sea? Moby Dick. How about that? Yeah.

I don't know why I'm only thinking of nautical books. I'm looking at your bookshelf. None of them are about how to do it. For guys who are straight. For guys who are extra straight. So you can understand your friend stop. No. No.

No. No. No. No. Correct. That's not what the book says. It's not what it says. I'm looking at it right now.

And yes, I remember reading it. That is not what it says. It just says the first part. It has nothing to do with you having a friend or being straight. Yeah. The thing is, you can't leave New York and move. The guys like me moved from New York and they're like, I'm going to move to Stone Mountain, Georgia to be in the clan and buy a bunch of guns.

And I've moved here. I spent the first month building a podcasting studio. I don't want to be that guy. Nick Topolo. Yeah. That's not the move. It could be a move. Not for me.

Because if the move had to be and then you quit podcasting. Right. What I'm going to do is buy the rights to Blockbuster. Awesome. And move to a time when I'm going to have my money guy find a place where Blockbuster is viable. Okay. And move to the town, restart Blockbuster and become just employ myself as the Blockbuster

checkout guy. That's awesome. And you hire the rest of the staff. I'm the only one that's allowed to smoke weed. Perfect. And if I don't, if I'm not incredibly high, the point where I can't function, then I'm fired. Yes.

That's awesome. And it's, you turn that into a prison. That's really good, dude. I would love to just live that, live your adolescence forever. Mm-hmm. Shots out to Blockbuster, my alma mater. I quit by just not showing up and my boss kept calling me and I had to pretend, I pretended I got evicted or something.

Yeah. Because I'm too much of a coward to admit I was quitting. But you know, I had a nice six months there. Watched a lot of movies for the first time. That was the only time I ever watched movies in my life. Mm-hmm. Until like recently. If I didn't watch it during freshman year college, while this was the break when I was at Blockbuster,

I never watched it. Mm-hmm. But. Yeah, I'm just still thinking about, should I buy Martin on DVD? Yeah, of course, dude. That's not even a fucking question. That's not even a fucking question, chief. Yeah.

Damn, I want to write a little gay ass article for the New Yorker. You could. On the post dirtbag left. It's time to admit it, we're having sex with children. A lot of people have shied away from this and tried to cover it up by talking about books. Talking about a bunch of gay ass books. And I know, these books mean more to me because my dad was in the union. Mm-hmm.

And that's why when I tell you how to be a condescending dickhead at bourbon bars, it really means something. Mm-hmm. We're moving past that. And we're coming out of the open as guys that have sex with mentally disabled children. That would be good. You could probably get published. Yeah.

Yeah, I could be a New Yorker writer if I wanted to. We're going to make a magazine called The New Porker. And it's both about, it's about three things, pork. It's about getting pussy. Yeah. And it's about fat men's style tips. I want to write a memoir about my time in the Olympics for flying. You just jump off a building.

You're suck dickerous. No. That's what your book's called, suck dickerous. Lick. The man who flew too close to the sun. And fell onto a man's penis. Lord licorice. No, you're Lord licorice.

Thank you for admitting that, by the way. Lord licorice. By the way, thank you for admitting that you're Lord licorice because you were fighting it. No. You're Lord Fatteras. No, I'm not. Lord Acerus. No, I am not that.

Yes. I'm cool guys. Gets pusserous. Mm-hmm. And you are actually suck dickerous. I can't wait until they. The man flew too close to the sun. They find your fossil in a million years.

They fell down onto a man's cock. They find your fossil in a million years. And they're like, wow, half man, half manatee. No, they wouldn't say that. I have all the fucking skeletal functions of a man. A sea porpoise. There's nothing about me that's porpoise-like. Missing link when humans devolved into being obese sea animals killed by boats.

You know what? I wish I was a man. You know what? You're right. They're going to find you at the bottom of the Chesapeake Bay. Half man, half manatee. They're going to be like, the Chesapeake Bay is filled with Greek whale people. And they're all killed by boats.

You've seen that video where the manatee sucks its own dick. He's got a big dick, and that's me. And that's the episode, folks. My dick is big, and Nick's dick is small, and he's suck dickericks. And we'll see you fucking b****s this Sunday. Go to cometown.com. Remember, you've got to support the post dirtbag left by subscribing to this renegade. This truth tell.

We're the renegades of funk. We're the ones that are building a cohesive left movement that will finally. That's right. The ballbag left. It will finally change things. The tinny fucking left slash the ballbag. And make all the time you'd spent at those DSA meetings worth something because you certainly didn't get any pussy on them.

Did not even get a smidge of all that pussy. You told yourself, not doing it for the pussy, but if I happen to get a piece, I mean, well, you know, I'm certainly not going to turn a piece of pussy down. I'll certainly, you know, yes, ma'am, you can give me a piece of your pussy, but I just want you to know I'm doing this because I have principles that I learned from my homework that I can't stop doing. I'm 37 years old and I can't stop doing homework. Can I have some pussy now?

Yeah, go to patreon.com this Sunday. You're going to love our most experimental episode yet. Oh, this is trending on Twitter. Chapo, many discuss an article in the New Yorker titled The Post-Dirtbag Left, written by Andrew Morance, which examines the podcast Trapo Trapas. Oh, well, if it's trending now, I feel now it sucks. Fuck this guy. He got exactly what he wanted.

A little fucking slut. Yeah. Fucking slut. Andrew Morance. We're like Andrew. I hope this isn't rude to say, but it would be kind of funny if that guy got prostate cancer. No. No.

What? That's not a threat. You get it. I know it's not a threat. I'll take it back, but the only reason I'm taking it back is so I don't get prostate cancer. And I'm taking it back in case his sister has big tits. There might be Indian people listening to this trying to do that karma shit to me. Right, right.

And I got mine. I know what you guys are up to. Oh, yeah. I was like wondering the other day, like if an Indian woman does right, you know, she's like a Mother Teresa sort of type. When she dies, does she come back as an Indian woman with even bigger tits? I think so. Is that the rule?

That's how it goes. Is that the rule? When you max out on tits, then you get to be a guy. Call up 1-800-98-ROCK and ask them. Yeah, find the number again. Yeah, find the number again and ask them. The Indian women come back with bigger tits, you think? If they do right.

98-ROCK. Yeah, there's the untouchables and there's A cup, you know, ABCD all the way up. Yep. And then once you get to H, you do, if you're an H-titty woman, you happen to be sisters with Andrew or Maranth. Yes. And you let us titty fuck you despite or feud with your mentally disabled brother. That's right.

Or because of it. Whichever way it works for you. You do that, guess what you get to come back as? A homeless man. You get to come back as Andrew or Maranth. Yeah, so call 800-737-0098 and ask them. Wow, this woman has something in common with you stuff. No, she doesn't.

Racially out. Went viral at age seven. She doesn't. Whatever it is, no she doesn't. For skateboarding in a fairy costume. I never did that. Yeah, you did. But that's cool.

I like that. From Brazil. She went to the Olympics. Oh yeah, she got the silver medal. I saw that. The silver medal. Respect. Shouts out to her.

She's trying to eat it in this picture. She's our cool guy of the week and Andrew Maranth is our little dick bitch of the week. We're doing new segments here. I'm going off. We have a new, the rant segment where we, Andrew Maranth, about some guy that's got ants in his pants. He's got an ant size penis. Where's it yet?

Where was it? Was that, were we talking about that? What's it? I dreamed that. The ant penis thing. I don't know. Somebody having an ants penis. Fuck, what was that?

I couldn't tell you, brother. I couldn't tell you, little chief. Ant penis. Damn. Well, it's like, it's weird because you know, it's, you know, it's kind of pathetic. Cause I'm like, well, it has to have been on the show. Cause I don't socialize or talk to anybody outside of this podcast. I don't think it was on the show because I, at this point in my life, literally have

no social outlet other than this fucking podcast that I fucking hate. I have nothing. I have nothing. I don't have a family bar. No, it wasn't at the bar. It could have been doing cocaine. I mean, no, actually, you know what? I don't even want to say it.

The problem is being a cocaine addict. Is that like, once you're a cocaine addict, anytime you say like, actually, I haven't been doing cocaine, it just made people like, okay, pal. Right, right, right, right, right. Oh, it's been three days. And you're like, oh, I haven't been doing it. It makes you more of a cocaine addict. It's not, you know.

Yeah, I get it. Yeah. So that girl from Brazil, cool guy of the week, the guy from the New Yorker little dick motherfucker, the smallest fucking dick of the week. And, you know, don't forget to buy those tickets to see the tour, buy my shirts at the shows, buy Nick's shirts, but don't bring them to my show or you will be escorted out as a matter of principle. I will not be taking pics with anyone in merch that I didn't see any money from.

Because fundamentally, folks, this is a business. And I forgot what I was going to say because I'm thinking about getting Korean food later. What's Korean food? You know, bibimbap, fucking. Oh, right. Korean food. Yeah. What'd you think I said?

I don't know. Just for whatever reason, there was like a division in my mind between like Korean and food and it just didn't populate like, like it didn't materialize in my head. There was just like a whole. Sure. It was like Korean food. You ever have that? Yeah.

Absolutely. Your brain just doesn't work. Yeah. That happened to me with like a school bus. Like somewhere recently. You're like, wait, they teach on the bus? Not literally. I was like a school bus.

What the hell? Where did the chalkboard go? What the fuck is this? What the fuck are you talking about, man? Well, folks, I'm going to go get tan. I got to go pack my bags for Athens, Greece. Yeah. And you know, I guess keep on keeping on, soul brothers.