The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 276 – im sorry dear

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

would u believe I forgot to upload the podcast all day? me? of all people?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Rain, rain has shined down I'm gonna love you anyway So gross me You can call me gay Day and night time Anywhere you are

Don't matter how far No matter It feels so beautiful Don't you agree? Can't wait, what's up, baby? Yeah, I'm gonna love you Now let's go As soon as they hear the voice in the flow

They already know it's It's Comtown That's a great theme song, dude It's a new intro to our show Fully, we did it It's licensed Yeah, not only is it licensed, we made it I was the guy rapping

That was my voice Yeah! That's my trademark sound Yeah, we're gonna be doing a verse Yeah! Can we be doing verses again? Should we do verses versus legions and skanks? Legions and skanks

Whose bits? Dude, honestly, I will just crush Dave Smith We would crush a lot of podcasts on a verses Cause our best bits are Look, most of the time the show sucks, Dick But our best bits are funnier than anything Oh, yeah, for sure But the ratio is 1% to 99%

But listen, dude We got that Batman shit from like 5 years ago We got gay Michael Douglas My biggest dream is that The leftist comedians had stopped doing comedy To just do leftism Podcast leftism eventually get into rapping Oh, hell yeah

That they make the final conscious hip hop To being, yeah, like I'm getting into rapping, fuck that And then they slowly, without realizing Turn into Lin-Manuel Miranda Except fucking, like, poor Poor, not successful at all

Say what you want about Lin, but that motherfucker He's got fucking Illuminati money now Lin's out there, dude Dude, people are crazy for him If he wanted to, he could have immortal tech Or what was it? Immortal technique He could have immortal technique murdered

Executed Was it immortal technique or tech nine? Immortal technique He'll be mortal I'm about to kill you My friend The only way you live is if you suck my dick I saw my friend the other day

What if he rapes a mortal technique While rapping gaily at him Alex, look at my little ass dick You have to put it in your mouth Or I will shoot you in the fucking face He's got him fucking hog-tied And he puts his little ass fucking Tan dick in his mouth

His little beige dick in his mouth Hamilton, Kramelton, my tan dick into your mouth You're an ass of ten An ass again I'm not Kramelton, my little ass I'm Alexander Hamilton, Kramelton, my tan dick Into your tiny ass of mouth That's pretty good

That's what I'm saying He could do that if he wanted to He's that rich What is that song that people play? It's like, I'm a bastard Faggot I don't know The Tom Freeland story

Let's go Great minds brother I'm a bastard Faggot That feels good That feels good That feels good That's a good way to start the show

That's a good way to start the show Oh yeah Dude, I wanna get into rapping Fuck that I'm the one they call on gotta feed the family if not, then it falls on me Great song. It's that jade. Mm-hmm. J. Duh. Why I kiss you you bitch-ass Adams Adams grab name is guy to kiss I gotta kiss penis it better be cleanest I

Getting sick off kissing this penis. That's so fucking true No, dude, I want to hire some ghost writers and just have a video With hot women that I've had sex with all of them Proud I'll just hire sex workers to suck me off and be in my video Write it off. Yeah, it's a production cost a hundred percent if I'm getting sucked off on camera You can write that off And I'm gonna say I'm has to do it How many rap videos have gone full hardcore pornographer not that many and look I would blur it out like

Japanese pornography gotta show this no, no, no, no, no, you gotta go show this I would blur it out, but But it would be in the video and it would be the smallest No, the blur would be your regular size It would be a big blur. It would be a relatively big blur to get every you know because you don't want to show you don't want to Show pubes I wouldn't be showing pubes you this has to go on YouTube. It would be simulated It would appear simulated, but I would be getting sucked off Mm-hmm, but it the blur has got to be big enough regardless of how little my penis is I feel you which by the way You're not really getting me at him. I'm on record as having a fucking small

Slightly just bear a basically average. Uh-huh and in the right circumstances with the small with the right kind of pussy Right a just right type penis They call me they call me Goldilocks dick cuz I'm not shit's just right if your pussy's a little small Yeah, that's a story. That's me dude. My dick is Goldilocks and it ain't too big. It ain't too small Look, I'm the bear family coming home and destroying and killing the woman Daring to eat my fucking oatmeal my special weighed-out oatmeal for my bulking Bitch you're fucking my macros up you whore. I'm I'm checking the app. I'm like sweating. Yeah Like this is all weighed out

Where are your parents? I'm a bae. I'm an entire bear family Yeah, dude, I want to be a fuck. Yeah, if I had one if you could have one magical skill mine would actually probably be rapping Yeah, we're singing. That's not even magic I don't have I said I would want a magical skill. Yeah, what would you choose Adam? Oh, I guess song singing There you go No, I've told you I don't have the ability. I want I want to cultivate it But I honestly just want to be in videos PD PD Crisco. That's you. No. Yeah

Yeah, I need is me a few seconds Yeah, the music really was a lot better back when we were children we were yeah, we were 13. That's crazy That's older than that. That's probably 15 60. I remember PD Pablo. Yeah. Yeah, I was definitely I was all our like we've talked about it many times And I just remember beating off to PD Pablo's video the girl in the blue girl in the blue I follow her on Instagram now. Let me find let me give her a very hot. She's still incredible I love that love of my life that line and free colleague. Do you want it in your pussy? Do you want it in your hair? Yeah, fuck I'm forgetting her name. Let me go through my story. See if she posted anything Born up back picking out back to prove you know

Damn, she's unbelievable still to this day. I can't wait to be a grandfather and just turn this up. Yeah, my grandchildren Ignore my whole family I'm listening to Sierra That was so mean I know why'd she catch that why honestly even with that knowledge I would beat off to Sierra She's an objectively very hard. I did I was like I was like I mean I guess I don't care Maybe I got you I think that was my foot in the door to make me trans to make me open-minded towards Listen if a woman looks like Sierra, I don't care if she's got a if she's got a dick Sierra Sierra is so hot. Yeah, I was gorgeous. You tell me I'm not gonna get at least a dome

I was saying the hell am I some kind of asshole they got rid of Aunt Jemima. They should have made it They should have done Aunt vagina. Yeah, and it's like like Alice from Superjail kind of look like a very strong trans woman And then they put it out and then they go is this is this work? Is this do we get off the hook for this? Is this one? All right, please. No, they're hold on. She's not a slave She's she's owning her own body. She's a trend. They're like well, that's a You know I don't know what's wrong with it exactly. I guess that's the representation rule. That's the thing is like trans people want representation

It's fine. But okay. How about in cartoons? Yep That's a good point. Are you talking specifically Alice from Superjail? I'm talking about like Alice from Superjail or Bugs Bunny wearing the dress Listen, that's another one where I'm like You know what? Bugs has some sex appeal right now. Yeah, he probably knows how to suck dick when he's got the wig on chug's cunny and he drinks piss chug's cummy chug's uh Well, kind of done the call pussy conny in Britain. I thought that yeah in the old do this. Yeah, that's cute conny like a little bunny

It is kind of a cunnelli is how you say bunny in greek cunnelli cunnellaki. Wow And how you say Adam is busty afreos a faggots I learned that before we recorded today Gustav shouted that to me on the street. I said hell. Yeah, brother I don't know what you said, but yeah, I like the sound of it. All right. I don't know what you said But something in me organically, uh, knew it was right. You it was correct. It felt good the greek news was there You tricked me. It was reported that there's a

A pussy vagios or whatever. No, no, no, pustis afreos Pussy suck vagios pustis afreos Pussy is moony Thelo moony Was that give me pussy? That's I want pussy. Oh, give me pussy Oh Yeah, let me fuck your ass. Oh I'm a fan

I'm fucking gay Okay Because it tastes good and I'm gay Reminders be a good time to check out the patreon. Oh, yeah We got three years backlog Direct more than that, bro. No damn five. It's five years five years of stuff You've probably heard on a youtube clip channel, but you can get it you can context in context You can relive our lives. You ever wondering like how do they get to the thing with sabastian?

It's a 45 minute conversation about When uh, why they got two windows at the fucking drive through mcdonald's And here you go, they pick one to use and yeah, they should just be one window And now because I used that that special word Let's call it the word of the day. I am no longer You said the magic word What did he say? Fucking robot fag whatever that character is a chair. All right. He said

Red what it's a chair. I thought it was a green. Who's the gay little green genie? Well, um Fuck you Uh, the the fucking uh Listen the fuck this fucking guy that shows too old for that wasn't on when I was I think it's too old for us Yeah, I think it was a couple years older than I watched it I remember I remember it being on but I don't remember it being called penis playhouse the penis playhouse. Yeah Yeah, let me look up the remember he got mecca like a high make a high off the pornography in a theater

Yeah, but it's like who can't like jambi. He's just supposed to never beat off mecca like a high make a high any home Yeah, there weren't computers yet at that. Yeah, that's a great little. I remember being a kid. My mom. They were definitely Being like, yeah, he turns out to be a sick pervert. Yeah, I remember my parents told me that The man was jacking off. Yeah parents also said that to me about michael jackson and madonna. They said they were Discussing madonna. Yeah, I don't know how much any kids Well, she's had a pussy on a fucking coffee table book. She did uh, yeah, she made a book about sex Yep, very wild of boomers to do that spend their entire use giving each other fucking hiv Pre-hiv. Yeah, but it's having just give them media. They were passing the clap back and forth

Right. Just fucking dabbing the most debauchers youth listening to fucking jannis joplin pretending. It's political Yeah, I think that they're changing the world by changing the world by being fucking whores by getting your fucking by stuff It's an area. That's my gene. Yeah, they get a fucking pants suit and some shoulder pads and they're like, I've never beat off I don't beat off and you can't beat off in a porno theater. You can't just you can't just you can't just beat off You can't just play with your dick And so play with your fucking dick and the important thing to do is if you think that's true go to patreon.com So let's come down and if you sign up you will get membership bonus get your own damn fries And look while we're at the topic you got to go check out the fucking prince of pleasure tour come into a town near you

This week. We're in fucking denver, baby. Buy those tickets. Some shits might even have sold out by now Denver in verse then Denver and we're in Omaha, Nebraska. You corn eating motherfuckers. You better come out Oh, Acme in Minneapolis. Omaha got hard thinking about next weekend all the pussy you can give in Omaha And then san antonio The next week and then cleveland phoenix madison. We're coming everywhere, baby Just say an old white guy with a white beard walking through like some bernard stavey.biz slash tour for tickets He's like i'm with the christian getting pussy

He's like for a cost cup cup for your day. You can give your pussy to an african child Mm-hmm. We will fly you to africa and you can suck and fuck the kids for their benefit Right and also I get some of the pussy and well the way it actually works is I fuck you and then I fuck the kids I tell them so it gets the pussy through the transit property of my dick I tell the kid about what the pussy felt like It's a good detail. Yeah, i'm a good. I'm a really good writer. My name is lance cash And i'm here with the christian getting pussy association. Yep Mm-hmm. He's just got an african kid on a leash. She's dragging behind him

He's walking through a field of garbage Just burning garbage These kids lives are fucked up. They're fucked like beyond the repair and there's nothing that really i'm over here every day trying to get them coffee And I think I deserve a just a little bit of pussy A little piece of pussy pie for a good old lance casharoon So when I come back to america i'm putting together the prince's pleasure tour No, no, no, no. Yeah, I am not lance cash. Well, no, but you're fulfilling his vision. I am stavros algis I have the prince's pleasure tour coming to denver this weekend. I had the name Minneapolis next weekend

I had the name san antonio after that He stole it from the lance cash. It's in the bible Don't ask me to quote it. I'm not a fucking nerd. I'm just a christian Yes, well anyway not affiliated with uh that pyramid scheme to get pussy for african children It's just a stand-up comedy tour and you're gonna have a really good time. Thank you. Everybody's come out so far Yeah, yeah, and make sure if you go to stav show go online print out a picture of the smallest penis You can find and ask them to sign it. Don't do that. I will not do that. I won't sign that Yeah, I won't sign anything that anyone in nick moan merchandise is in

Don't even bring anything from from come dot town buy the shirts Buy the shirts, but don't bring it to my show bring a stop me dot biz slash go to kinko's and type in go type in fat man Micro penis and print out on a glossy 8 by 10 a photograph of high resolution You know what if you buy the tickets you can do that I don't even give a fuck actually In fact, please do that. I don't buy the ticket. I'll if I see you with it. I'll throw you out You won't get a refund. No, you got to add a little bit. It's a win win for me Even better go get a get a headshot get dom delawises

That I might sign actually that is funny. I will sign that. Yeah Make sure you photoshop a penis so do not they now you've lost me again Yeah, or a little speech bubble and he's saying cock I will sign a high resolution picture of dom delawise Glossy 8 by 10, but it's got to be glossy and it's not doing no fucking printer paper Not don't fucking bring no shit from your little fucking color jet shit at your house. Yeah, we need production. You got to be a fucking kinkos Our kinkos still around. Oh, yeah FedEx kinkos

But they still provide the crucial services to the community That's where I get all My uh, such as printing pictures hamlets and paraphernalia of trish stratus to beat off to and I'm going on the Stay in my apartment play breath of the wild tour pretty cool. I actually might be announcing Two places with micro scene coming up. Well, they're not Two places with micro scene. Yeah, I'm just gonna be it's gonna be me and micro scene at Black strip clubs in the american south. That'll be awesome if you if it was for seeing an item at magic city That's my plan on I did my I did 15 minutes or maybe seven

I did seven minutes of funny mobs And that was in 2021 so so you as long as you stand as long as you stand up once a year You're still you're still a comedian. Yeah, and you keep the streak alive. Yeah, and you can keep going like I've been doing this For so since I was a kid. Yeah, and this is uh, this is the same way. I'll treat parenthood Show up with a fucking tonka truck on his fucking birthday. Yeah check They call it seven minutes in heaven And it's the when I come I drive by the house for your birthday and I honk at you from The fully restored oscar mire wiener mobiles that I spent the last 15 years on

That's the reason I will not be helping for college with my morbidly obese indian girlfriend. He was 20 years younger than me My happy birthday, son And then you're like running down the stand already at the end of the block. Yeah driving away But your car is very cool. You have mascar mire. We don't be able to half tilted from my fat indian girlfriend She's like are we going to I need to have my fifth salad for the day. Right because they're vegetarian Right, and I'm like, would you shut the fuck up, bitch? Would you shut up at my son's birthday, bitch?

I can't do one thing for me. You're a fucking whore. My family that you destroyed By being so sexy Come here, man Now I'm getting fucking pulled up getting indian pussy on the road So were you motorboating that big indian woman in your oscar mire wiener mobile? Mike, don't you know do you have a warrant? Did you know who I am? Where's your probable cause? I'm donald trump jr They're like, oh, I had no idea sir Oh

May I sir he asked the motorboat We're all going to motorboat this big indian bitch. Don't you know I am? It's me rages phobet. What if I did that? Yeah, I'm rages. I'm rages and I'm dead and I've got a big bitch And I'm gay and I've got a big bitch And she's out. She's got a nice pussy and it's it's it's very stinky Look out. It's stinky. It's a stinky one. It's a stinker folks. It's a both culturally and because of our size Look at the lines coming off of that pussy you can see it like a cartoon There's nothing there's flies green lines coming off video of my wife's pussy

And we're gonna zoom in and as we zoom in you can see There's lance cash walking along the mountains And it's on fire and he's got a kid sitting on a leash That's how fucked up a pussy is it's a dilapidated african village There's a pack of wild feral dogs that lives there I'm missing uh Going to see a big shitty summer movie. I really want to watch shang chi dude. I might go see shan. I'm here It's sick. I want to be the only marvel movie. I see is the chinese one. Yeah, that will you have to well

What's his names in it? Uh, long ronnie chang. It's so funny that that's like that movie's gonna make so much goddamn money in china Oh, yeah, for sure. That's why they may got one. They're like, what if we made a movie that made 80 billion dollars? Oh my god, they're gonna go shit go crazy for it The movie should have been like it should be Like they should have just let bejing write the movie. Yeah, they probably it's probably They probably did. Mm-hmm. I auditioned for some role in that. I can't wait to see who which chinese guy got it That's bullshit. They gave it to another chinese. I don't know who got it I was but I think there was one fat white like

Sidekick that like said funny stuff. Oh really and I auditioned for it And they gave it to aquafina and I think aquafina got it They made a game 400 pounds to play the role now. They've got to change your name to fucking sprite remix That's right, damn sprite remix was good. Yeah, I love berry flavored sprite remix You know what? You know what? I used to love getting drunk off of as a teenager is Smearing off triple black. Yeah, which tasted just like sprite remix. Yeah. Yeah I used to get the fucking like some kind of vodka like some kind of berry vodka throw that bitch in sprite remix Yeah, oh that was that was getting drunk fat 17 year old heaven right there. Yeah. Oh, yeah

I think if I can get a little royal farms afterwards you get no pussy at the high school party Listen at me and the fellow Riding the bus around listen at me and Pablo drunk Me and the fellas in the dodge grand caravan playing a little wane speaking of something the cushy dreams x come town Company ad read the slogan smoke. Oh, yeah, I wish I had You can let me say this. I wish I was smoking cushy dreams when I was getting drunk and not getting pussy in high school I think adam has a couple of things to say about don't you adam Dwear well, do you?

Uh, they specialize in an extraordinary cbd rich hemp flower ak But oh my god and pre-roll cbd joints. That's the same stuff that jerry garcia was smoking Uh before he died. Is that real? Yeah Um, you can join the group of adults. Remember it's adults who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their cbd Boo, I hate vapes. I hate gummies and that's how you adult like a boss you adult like a big time boss by smoking Your fucking cbd and you can stand and it ships to all what are you a child? What are you drinking smeared off uh raspberry vodka with sprite remix? No No, you're drinking fucking whiskey neat and you're smoking cbd

It looks like high quality marijuana. It feels like high quality marijuana and it tastes like high quality marijuana And the cbd you put it up your ass. You can't tell the difference Yeah, it's right and it's you boof it. It's the same. Oh, I love boofing cbd And it's up to 20% which makes it some of the highest in the game. Wow, that's what they say the cbd game Adam keep going yeah the attention detail Noticeable in every beautiful flower smoke your cbd is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver cbd into your system It does not get you high next to no thc independent lab testing showing compliance and purity Rown in california in orion each plant is hand selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts women of color

Alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things other stuff in his poc orchestra. That's right So I'm a fucking penis like my fucking dick boss. I'm gay. I'm gay. It's like my penis and my penis is small But seriously folks we we kid a lot on this program But something that you don't want to joke about is how awesome Cushy dreams. I really love this shit, you know, I mean it is one of the few products I actually use in my life. I guess I wear clothes You use I smoke cbd and I have a don't forget Nazi memorabilia That's a product. That is a product. I consume a lot of I have a bunch of Nazi gold

That's right, and you and you use uh swansons baby dick condoms. I use swansons baby dick condoms The they originally that's how they start when those they're their beef stew I was explaining to somebody the other day Is a lot of a lot of these upstarts they misunderstand they think communism It would be a system in which everybody has a big dick and that's fantasy That's idealist fantasy communism How it would really work is that they make babies dick size condoms But they're also called magnums and there's virtually no difference and they're gold foiled. Yep

There is still exactly the same so magnums are indicative of an abnormally sized dick one way or the other Yes, and that's communism. That's communist and you can send any woman who penis shames you to a gulag No, you get to kill them yourself. You know with your bare hands. No, you get a gun state sanctions I'd like to go to the gulag if you know what i'm talking about. Oh, yeah the cum I'd like to get a little asshole filled with snot That's what I like is an allergic asshole. Anyway, they got three lines of this cbd. You're going to fuck me now It's me adam the ass. I have allergies. Adam the asshole. I'm allergic for being too close to a pussy There's a pussy right below me and it's making me allergic

Oh, okay. Yeah, you're gay. Well, you're a woman's ass. No Sorry, I gotta cut you guys off there because there are three lines in order of quality Private reserve ultra premium and premium and every can size is 3.5 grams Each can is nitrogen sealed for optimal Freshness you can mix it with anything else. You like this. That's so fucking awesome Relax peace create hustle dream energy. That sounds really cool adam But unfortunately, I don't really want to pay full price for cushy dreams. Well Oh

Looks like he got too close to a pussy a woman walked outside by the window And it washed it up dreams.com and spelled it spelled k us h y dreams not coming Check out a promo code come town for 20% of your first order. Wow Oh, that's sick. Smoke your CBD because you can smoke penis because you can smoke a man's hard cock President Kamala because you can Yeah, you mean cop malla cop malla takes it away and gives it all to her queer stepdaughter That bitch. It looks exactly like you. Yeah, pretty much exactly like me

Did you mention that it's 100% hand-trimmed? Yeah, it's hand-trimmed by uh experts In the field of cbd cultivation Let me ask you this. Did you mention that they have three lines in order of quality? Yeah, I did Private reserve ultra premium and premium Wow and Wait, hold on. It doesn't it starts at premium. It starts to hold on. Oh, okay. It's a private reserve It's the real good shit. Yeah. I was reading it outside. The door Ultra premium is also indoor and then premium is indoor slash outdoor if you want that outdoors experience

Yeah, three five 3.5 grams. That's they call they call that the other needs Yeah, that's what they call they call that call that my dad's more like 3.8, but you know 3.5 3.5 grams What do you mean? It's the more like 3.8 Yeah, it's a little bit more than 3.5. Yeah, yeah That's what the drug dealer is one should have mixed with anything else. You like to smoke. Are you serious and smoke my cock? I think so maybe you're out of your mind, bro. If you smoke my cock if you put my penis in my ass If you put a penis in my ass

Yeah, a penis. Yes. Yes Hold on. Let me do some last apparently the media is now turning on biden and telling him He's not allowed to talk to talk about his dead son anymore. They're saying hold on. Hold on an eighth an eighth So if it's 3.8 How many grams are there? It's like 28 grams 3.8 and an ounce eight. So divide 28 point. I think it's 28.8 divided by eight You're a fucking dumb bitch 28.8. It's 3.6 grams. It's not 3.8. Are you serious? Is it really 3.6? It's 3.6. Have I been getting robbed by drug dealers all the time? Yeah, you're all right

But adam was wrong to say it's 3.8 The difference between the point because that point one gram 3.6 nick is once again, correct And I'm once again incorrect. The the I'm pissed off. Yeah, don't come at me with Graham stuff You know, I've been on that food scale for years. He loves flipping packs It really is you do get like a like I can reach into a A bunch of raw chicken and fucking like almost to the grams sometimes don't exactly how much I'm throwing down That feels good. It is good. It makes me feel like David Blaine That's a mental math for you folks

I don't know what is David Blaine He's a guy that's good at getting pussy. He does magic sometimes, but then the others the half the other times is like I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna hold a lighter to my asshole for four days Feets of endurance. It is endurance. Yeah, it's not really magic. Yeah Well, all I know is that he was in the pussy posse And he beat some allegations against him. So I'm having my hands surgically reversed Did he beat them or did they still out there that people were like we'd need to see this guy put the ass

I have my hands cut off. I had my hands and feet switched by a surgeon And then I'm going to try and jack off as many guys as possible And now I'm going to set the I had my feet replaced with more hands Well, I had my hands cloned. They were cut off and I operated with nubs for months And I that time I learned how to jack guys off with nubs Meanwhile, the doctors were Cloning my hands to cut off my feet and give me more hands And once those were all back on I got so good at jacking guys off with the nubs that once I had

You know, uh, the hands back it was like it was like playing with cheat codes. This was right, right? Being a white man is kind of like playing on life with cheat codes. Oh, shit. That's interesting. Is that true? That's a great observation. That's what I heard from a dove commercial I haven't actually gotten a single ounce of white privilege my entire life I've just had the deck stacked against me, but I'll believe you You've had the dick sucked against you. Okay. And by that, I mean you sucked a bunch of guys cock Yeah, it is funny because it's like my will it is funny because like, yeah, obviously there's a privilege You can recognize but you think it's overblown sometimes and then I think to myself it's like

All right, imagine three black women had this show It's like how much money do you think they would be making? Oh, yeah, and it's you think they'd be on HBO I don't know. Adam, this show sucks. This show is fucking retarded. If they had this show First of all, I mean it would be like there would be people pretending that they doesn't exist. Yeah, they'd be like that's not Those aren't black people. Right, right, right. Yeah But they certainly wouldn't be getting the money. So is that privilege? I suppose so Um, yeah, I suck pose. So yeah

I also don't understand the privilege argument because it's like, oh, well, you have all these privileges and it's like, okay and Where do we go from there? Well, you got to take them away. No, you gotta take them. What's the argument for that? That doesn't make any sense You've lost your hey something's too easy. Yeah, and I don't think it should be harder So make it easier for everybody else. Okay, that's fine. But that's not my problem We all get to be white men. Sure. But that seems like that sounds like something black women You are now white men. That sounds like something you got to deal with

If you're saying I'm already chilling I've already I'm in this place you want to be If I was inside a club And you were like, hey, you're inside that club and I'm not I'd be like, all right So I'm like, I should be able to get inside the club. I'm like, I'm not so then tell that to the fucking bouncer What does that have to do with me? Why don't you tell the bouncer? Why don't you tell the bouncer? Because I don't have any authority over him They had to let me in here. Why don't you amplify her amplify the voice?

I don't know. I don't know what that means. You give her a line. I put her on speakerphone Let her call you put on speakerphone. My phone my phone was stolen by I think her son And I would call the police but I've traced it No, that's very true. Yeah Go up to the bouncer say we need some social workers sent over here right now No, because there's a crime taking place and it's the crime that you're committing By not letting her into this club And the social workers come

They summarily execute the bouncer that now we're talking then they summarily execute you no But you live they send you to get mo Now you're on a beach with the tall upon Find out gimme was actually pretty nice pretty sweet. There's good surfing you find out the waves Everyone gets a boogie board From everyone's boogying down there. Everyone gets a boogie board. They got a nice taco truck right on the beach It's pretty cheap. Yeah, they get why they call it a boogie board. That's the thing that no no one's got an answer for that You can't dance on it. It's not made out of boogers

Because it's a good time. It's true. It's not made out of boogers. You're just having a good time Yeah, but I mean a surf board that makes sense. I guess they couldn't call it that even though you're doing the same thing I love I love boogie boards, dude. Body surfing. Remember that? Yeah, I do you go and they trick you into think that's what you're body surfing and not just like being washed ashore by the waves Listen to this we body surfing time boogie boarding boogie boarding involved body surfing. You don't have the boogie board It's just your body. Oh, that's sick Sometimes people do it with flippers. You're just getting your ass fucked by the way. You're just getting your ass Fuck kind of negotiate the way. Yeah, I'm body surfing. I like that though. I like getting my ass fucked by the waves. It's fun. Yeah

Yeah, but that would be like I like when they toss me around like you're like, oh like a little fucking whore I like when Poseidon holds me down and you're like, oh, I went I went hiking this weekend Then you just had someone drive you to the top of the mountain and just shove you down Yeah, just sort of roll down the side. You're like, I'm hiking but body roll. No, you say I'm body hiking Body surfing. Yeah, body surfing is about I'll tell you what I don't like any of the gravity based sports What do you mean? Skydiving, body surfing, downhill skiing, I wouldn't say it's, I wouldn't say Loose, being hanged, bobsled, skeleton Being hanged to death, autoerotic asphyxiation

No, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to be, dropping a, having a piano dropped on your head by Bruno That's, that's, that's not very so And then having a really big bump on your head Having a big bump on your noggin and then having a bunch of birds like tweeting around your head. Yeah That's really annoying I'll tell you getting into a big dust up with the guy and having a bunch of symbols coming out. That's really Yeah, I like getting horny like a big like a wolf with my tongue out. Yeah banging on a table Let me get some pussy

Yeah, you'll be like a forties cartoon about a gay wolf and there's like a strong guy on stage And then he like, or the gay guy turns around and his ass turns into a wolf And the asshole, the asshole's like Woo! Yeah whistling There's a big, there's a big cumb that comes out of his asshole And it rolls down the table Yeah

That's pretty cool I would pitch that if this, if I, me coming out of the time machine stepping into the You met Tex Avery? Warner Brothers Studios in 1940, 1941 or what, I don't know Yeah, yeah And they're like, you're from the future. Do you have any news about maybe What the Japanese might do or Not really

A type of camp that might be happening in Germany and you're like, no, no Don't even worry about the Germans. Everything is only up and up over there. I don't know, they were doing the Holocaust Yeah, I think I've said this before on the show. This came up recently, but you know people talk about going back in time to stop Hitler And it's like stop him from doing what? Come on He lost the war You know, we we did talk about this and we said and I believe me and answer Our answer was the Holocaust. I didn't get they didn't do the Holocaust. Oh, right

I did some of it. I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm right because he didn't ultimately succeed He didn't do the whole thing. Yeah. Well, he did he took you saying stop. He did a pretty big. He left a pretty big dent Yeah, yeah He uh But you can't stop some but if they're not doing if I go there, I'm like he's going that nobody's gonna No, let me ask you this. No, no, no here. All right from the mind if you if you had a sandwich And I ate and you have to hold that neck that would happen and I had half of it. Yeah Wouldn't you go back?

It couldn't you could go back in time and stop me from eating that half of the sandwich The whole sandwich isn't if you had a time machine I would get there and then the sandwich would be full or knock the sandwich out of his hand You have to get the full fuck you. That's my sandwich. No, and then you could eat all of No, you have the whole sandwich. You could eat all of the sandwich. Yeah, it would be really funny to be like I gotta stop Hitler because I want to do it. He can't have all the fun himself. Yeah, what a He was like, that was my idea. Yeah, you so you could copy him You're just out there

Giving fucking speeches with a little stupid. What the hell man, dude, you get the mustache before him. Yeah, it's a game over Hey, or you know what you could do ain't off. It's your cousin Marty I got an idea for what we could do with all the Jews You're gonna love this Yeah, just some fucking guy on a storm front Um, here's what you do ready. Here's how you stop Hitler. Yeah, you go back in time You get that mustache and you start sucking guys cocks You become the most notorious gay guy

Oh, I did cut with his mustache and his haircut. I think a lot of that's what was going on then I think a lot of those guys had that mustache That was not an unpopular. I saw a picture of my great-grandfather and he was a jewish guy and he had that But but if you got his haircut and his mustache and you talked like that But you're like, I love sucking cock And you just had a lot of video circulating My name is Adolf Hitler And I'm and I'm gadoff

Fuckler. I don't know gadoff. No one would take that guy serious. Then you fuck up his whole vibe, dude by being gay But no one was listening to him because he was a pussy getting Now, did we say go check out his promo code come down? Yeah, we did. Yeah, check out. Check out Did we mention uh get super leaf comm slash come down? We haven't actually perfect timing. There's another website It's similar for another very very good. Ask mother For legal products and then you go to spaghett super leaf comm slash come town to get your kratom And speciosa is super speciosa

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No, somebody learned math at the school for small dick guys in denial. Yeah, it's true And that somebody is my parents have made a special school. Yeah, the small little dick academy I would love to have a couple of throwing stars or just lightly toss your way Just just feel lightly so like it wouldn't you know when they call it? You know when the medical examiners call them hesitation stabs Yeah, I'd say a couple of hesitation throws All right, I always do that in shows. They say well, these are hesitation marks I hear defensive wound defensive wounds, but they say hesitation where it's like somebody's

Like they have to work them. They have to you know, they get their dipping their toes in the water of murder That must feel really awful To stab somebody to death. Oh, yeah Gone, it's like you fucking squeeze a little trigger or really feel their life You feel like James Bond's shooting somebody. Yeah, it's like smoking a cigarette. It looks cool. Yes, but it's bad But it looks awesome. Yes Can we talk? I've been laughing at the idea Like fucking Russian agents or somebody breaking in the hotel room

catching Sean Connery James Bond fucking and The woman's just on the bed and they're like, where is he, you know And you just uh, there's like, you know, it's like a big fancy French hotel room And then there's a window off to the side and it's like you can just see his feet underneath the drapes But then his dicks also poking out That's very hard Through the drapes See the like a little slit in the drapes

And then they just pull the curtain aside and he's like, ah, I sure you've found my hiding place My hard-ass painter Ah, I sure you've discovered me Where I've been hiding That would be awesome This completely naked Yeah Dick's still hard

Hard-ass dick and you know it looks cute too And then the next scene, he's just got his hand started behind him. He's like, but still naked and it's just Dick's still a bit hard Some guy petting a cat I've got to get sucked off before it goes down Well, Mr. Bond, you thought you could stop my plans, but it seems I have caught you with your pants down That's funny. My pants may be down, but at least my dick is out Held

Held He's friend It's but at least my dick is held Held Stop saying it like that, Mr. Bond Held Stop it Held

It's making me feel weird I said stop it Stop doing that I'm going to kill myself if you don't Held He just grabs a henchman's gun and shoots himself Seems I have saved the day again I'm not saying the word hard gay

But he's just in M's office with his hands, he's standing like At a tent share at ease and he's still completely naked and his dick's hot He's still hard It's a wonderful job, Mr. Bond, but if you could please put your clothes back on But I'm Held Don't say that, James Why are you saying it like that? You have to stop

Stop it I might have to give you my job and kill myself And the movie is called The How James Bond Became the King of England They got a new James Bond coming out, huh? Yeah, black woman James Bond Yeah For real? You talk about white privilege

Who's it going to be? Who will be Goldberg? Yeah No, it's her triumph or return To the screen It's going to be Star Jones You know how I was a lawyer I forgot about Star Jones, dude

She always used to mention on the view that she was a lawyer Yeah Dude, you know who I saw a picture of? I was like, what the fuck? Sherry Shepard, dude Sherry Shepard could get some dick Star Jones, I thought, lost a lot of weight and actually was hot Yeah

No, she wasn't hot She had um, she had bypassed She had lat band And she got like a younger guy Wow Yeah, dude, check out Sherry Shepard's Instagram She's looking good these days So I got my fuckin' dick and so I got my fuckin' balls

My dick is a bog and big my dick is a bog Yeah, Star Jones will be starin' It's funny when they do, they're going to do a black woman In the next one and her name's still going to be James Bond Yeah, hell yeah And this is going to be a black woman talking with a Scottish accent I'm gay Um, it's, uh, I see that you've discovered I'm a black woman

Don't touch my hair Yeah Don't touch my hair Is this a black woman still just womanizing like Italian? That would be awesome Just chainsawing Italian pin-up women Just eating so much gash Let me ask you something, have you ever had the test of a black woman?

Would you like to? I'm just getting trashed That would be fuckin' sick, honestly I would like, I would love that actually Yeah, my feelings are shaking, I'll start As long as we get to see her fuck, yeah Make her black I would prefer that, actually

I'm done with these fuckin' white boys Are you? Yeah, dude I would much rather see a movie where two hot girls fuckin' a hot girl kills people Yeah No one sees hot girls fuckin' movies It's not, it doesn't happen enough Well, no, I mean, they try to make lesbian movies, just no one goes to see them

That's what I don't get, so No Time to Die is the next one, I guess that's the last Daniel Craig movie Daniel, that's a cool name Now, these fuckin' cocksuckers, this movie is gonna be two hours and 43 minutes Oh, I gotta get all the Craig I can get Which is just, they need to stop doing that That's longer than my dick No movie needs to be that long But what about the cross and then the doppelcross, you need some time

I don't fuckin' care, dude I mean, if an hour and 40 minutes of that is pussy Then I'm listening That's true No, it's gonna get him, it's gonna be, he gets pussy, then he fucks up, gets beaten up I'm fuckin' Then it's all over for James Maybe then he loses his MI clear or not

So I, I feel like the next James Bond, because they're 16 They're just picking all these like, kind of like, handsome mixed race guys Who the next one could possibly be Who's it gonna be? But it really should be somebody with like a horrific facial injury I think that would be cool Yeah, freak Yeah, somebody with like cruzons syndrome

I'm James Bond I think you should have a fucking, you should be a Looney Tunes style retarded guy Don, whatever you think, boss Somebody with cruzons disease What's cruzons disease? I'll show you a picture Somebody looks like that Oh, hell yeah

Yeah Somebody just kind of got, I guess Michael Cain kind of looks like he's got cruzons He's a hot cruzons guy Yeah Just, but I've never seen, imagine more Oh yeah Imagine a more British baby than me Didn't they have like a bad guy that looked like that?

Oh, I think I'll discover who did it, poor minister I think I know I think I know who got the new kilocones, isn't that? Because that would be true representation Wasn't the bad guy from, or wasn't the guy from Happy Gilmore also in James Bond? And he had eyes like that? Yeah Oh, that guy

Oh, don't, oh, don't know if they're going to get the bomb It's a very British They're a knife, go, knife, go, bomb That baby straight up looks like an 80 year old British guy That's a very British And the towel is a, all good tear it right away Yeah, every baby with cruzons has like a different kind of British Like that's a, that's an extreme case

Yeah Oh fuck Yeah That baby looks surprised Can you, can you fix that shit or what? Damn That kid got a poor, got a bad hand Look at this one

Where's that Beetlejuice? That kid does look like Beetlejuice Yeah Man, honestly there is nothing funnier than trying to get Beetlejuice to do math That is better than anything it's ever been created That is the peak of comedy It really is Asking for like two plus five is

The episode where the guy calls in as Barack Obama And tells him Beetlejuice It's, it's mean to Beetlejuice I never listened to that one He's like, I fuck your way, shut up And it's just a guy pretending to be Obama It doesn't even sound like Obama That's so funny

It's like Beet, we got President Barack Obama on the left President Barack Obama on the left Oh god Yeah, there's nothing funny Shut up my penis You're gay Oh, you're a fucking, you're gay You can't shut up my dick

You can't just shut up my fucking dick All right, folks, well, if you want more ComeTown, check out patreon.com Patreon.com plus ComeTown Uh, I mean man, nothing, we got nothing to say Bye, folks