The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 28 – How Many Y’all Like Sex

Episode Date: November 24, 2016

I guess Adam and Stav don’t know who Chris-Chan is somehow so I explain that to them for about 20 minutes or so. I don’t know how anyone could not know who Chris Chan is. I got mad at myself early on for fucking up and not being able to remember a lot of

Fuck, is this a family reunion? God damn, is Brooklyn in the house? Alright, we're gonna set this off. Fashion your seatbelts. This shit is definitely real. Now, how many of y'all like sex? We're gonna talk about sex. Now, check this out just the other day, right? I went to the top floor of the World Trade Center.

They got a bar up there. And I see this bitch got more butt than a box of Newports Woo Now this shit is definitely real Hell yeah Now how many of y'all like sex? Check this out man I be having sex sometimes

And this is what you do man You know how it is man You get the girl down there A hole hole, you bend over, you pull your dick out. What you do? You put your dick inside of the pussy. 17-minute act out. God bless y'all, and remember, let's get the guns off the streets, people. Get the guns off the streets.

And then Martinrence comes back there were 157 000 murders in chicago yesterday i uh i got caught in a deaf comedy jam uh i don't want to call it a black hole i want to sound racist i don't do not want to sound like a racist What voice is that? Is that an African Chinese guy? It's a Chinese guy saying he doesn't want to sound racist What's the guy's background? Give me a little bit of flavor

Is he Taiwanese? The guy I'm doing? Yeah, yeah It's a Jewish man doing a racist impression of a Chinese man Oh That's why it's a little off Yeah, yeah, no, I see it That's the thing about it

I like that All these damn Jews are so racist Every single one of them I agree Yeah No, I see it. I see it. That's the thing about it. I like that. All these damn Jews are so racist. Every single one of them. I agree. Yeah. I just went to D.C. last week and met a lot of nice fellers. Yeah.

And they were saying a lot of the same things about Jews I've been saying since I went to camp. The black Israelites. Yeah. They're the original Jews. That's quite a show, by the way. I love those guys. Just setting up shop and watching them. So somebody, I had kind of a legal issue going on this week,

so I didn't have time to respond to them. Also, just a heads up, I'm getting a lot of notifications for Facebook messages. If you're messaging me and I'm not responding, I am banned from Facebook. I can't respond to you. I can see the messages, but I can't respond, so I'm not ignoring you. I know a lot of people are probably... People sliding in your DMs trying to suck you off on Facebook? Yeah, I don't respond, so I'm not ignoring you. I know a lot of people are probably... People sliding in your DMs trying to suck you off on Facebook? Yeah, I don't know.

I think, you know, I mean, if it's... I don't want to say Reddit guys, but basically anyone in any online community is fickle, so you don't respond to them for two days, and they're like, actually, you know what? Fuck this guy. Yeah. So I'm not ignoring you.

I just can't respond to anything. Hey, guess what? Fuck you pieces of shit. Yeah. Nick hates you. Stop, stop. Stop. I don't care. I'm the ignoring you. I just can't respond to anything. Hey, guess what? Fuck you pieces of shit. Yeah. Nick hates you. Stop. Stop. I don't care.

I'm the bad boy, dude. You're going to be fickle. I'm the bad boy of the group. I'm like the administrator. I'm like the chief of medicine here. I don't know what that means. I'm house. Who's the guy that runs the hospital?

You're the sexy Jewish bitch with the big nose. No, chief of medicine is more of a doctor. So what's the administrator? You're the bitch with the big nose on house. CEO of medicine is more of a doctor. So what's the administrator? It's like the... You're the bitch with the big nose on House. CEO sometimes. I'm House. No one watches House, dude.

And Adam is... No one knows what the fuck you're talking about. Adam is, I don't know, the gay character. This is a diagnosis murder household. You're right, I'm sorry. So basically... But I am House. I'm fucking Dick Van Dyke.

Okay. You're Scott Baio, who's written off the show. And Adam is the guy that replaced Scott Baio. Yeah, yeah. No, but Scott Baio was so much better than the guy that replaced him. Yeah, and then he went on to do some bullshit show where he's like a doctor that's also a poet, I think. Who's Scott Baio? That's why he left Diagnosis Murderous, to do some other shitty daytime drama.

To switch it up, to switch up the doctor. He was the dumb doctor he was. I forget. To switch it up, to switch up the doctor. He was the dumb doctor. I used to run, I think it's still on Twitter. If you go to twitter.com slash PAX television, I had like a Twitter parody account.

Back when I was struggling to find content that hit, I had where I would just pitch PAX TV shows. So I know that there was one Scott Baio joke on there. Now I can't remember the difference between the Scott Baio joke show I came up with where he's a doctor that's also a hobbyist beekeeper that moves to the big city and needs to use his bees to, you know, cope with the medicine life in the big city. The best idea I had on that one was to show called Checking Engine. I love it.

And Branscombe Richman plays a Navajo man that uses stereotypes to solve crimes in a compulso hotel. Branscombe Richman, by the way, plays Billy Sixgun on the show Renegade, starring Lorenzo Lamas. Yo, that was a good show. That show was badass, dude. I'm trying to watch some Renegade. I liked Lorenzo Lamas. Yo, that was a good show. That show was badass, dude. I'm trying to watch some Renegade. I liked Lorenzo Lamas.

He was... I mean, I'm a fan of a lot of 90s action guys. You know, your Lamases, your Lundgrens, you know. You would put Lamas in the same category as Lundgren? No, no. Lamas was a TV guy. Lundgren was a movie guy. I forget the guy who played Adrian on the Highlander TV show.

Oh, yeah. He was great. Yeah. Yeah. Gabrielle or something? Union. Gabrielle Union. Gabrielle Union.

She fucks Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade? Well, no. Hold on. There was a point. Oh, yeah. Also, there was some kid. Dwayne Wade?

There was some guy. There was some guy. He's like a university. He goes to some school. And he fucking emailed me questions but then I had this like legal thing oh yeah

the guy who wants to do a school report on us yeah I don't know I mean it was like basically the question I guess you know

maybe I shouldn't just blow up I guess I could respond to them on the podcast it's easier than typing what is it University of Montana well he was like yeah I guess I could pull him he on the podcast. It's easier than typing. What is it? University of Montana. Well, he was like, yeah, I guess I could pull him.

He was like, you know, are you worried that people are going to think you're a bigot? And it's like, you know, I am, I guess, right? No. By pretty, by, you know, the looser modern definition. I don't think anyone would be cool. I don't think you are. I don't think anybody would. I don't think substantively you're bigoted.

I think that you're actually... I run a barely ironic podcast. I say racist shit all the time, and I get money from actual Nazis to do it. So, I mean, if I'm not... I don't know for sure that they're Nazis. If I'm not a bigot, then Steve Bannon isn't a bigot. Nah, dude.

We're by the same definition. You're right. We aren't as funny as Breitbart. That is true. Those are some fucking good ass... Well, Steve Bannon made his money off of the Jewish sitcom Seinfeld. Yeah, that's true. And we are making our money off of the Nazis, so we're the opposite.

Well, I read some shitty article that was like he drew inspiration from... Who's the filmmaker that made Birth of a Nation? Oh, uh, fucking... the... Oh, no, not Birth of a Nation. Triumph of the Will. Lanny Riefenstahl. Yeah, yeah. Which they show in, like, every film class. Yeah, she's a genius.

Yeah, to be like, oh, he drew inspiration from a Nazi propagandist. And so was the guy who made Birth of a Nation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his fucking name? Not DeMille? Yeah, it wasn't DeM a little we're idiots this is the whole five first of all i don't know if it's michael bay i think anything you know i i used to say i used to say i used to say any movie that's a silent film it's bullshit not worth watching hell yeah it's too antiquated and i'm right about that yeah no there's one good one no

there's not there's one good one Is there one with titties I don't care what you're gonna say You couldn't even have titties back then Yes you could In the pre-code Hollywood You could have titties Really Yeah they were much slottier

Back then Oh hell yeah Women played like bigger roles And then after they Introduced like all the You know All that dumb shit Yeah yeah

That's Where like you couldn't even kiss You'd have to like Pan to a window outside But no I used to say fuck off screen. No silent movies are worth watching. And then I updated.

Now it's no movies without color. That's fine. I'd buy that. There might be one or two. If it doesn't have CGI in it, that's bad. If there's no turtles. Because the technology's gotten good enough now.

I'm not talking about Scorpion King, Mummy 3. I'm saying Avatar is Scorpion King, you know, Mummy 3. Yeah, that shit sucks. I'm saying, you know, Avatar is the only good movie. Avatar is the only, not even a good movie because, you know,

it's not a good movie but it's the only movie worth watching anymore. Wasn't he going to come out with like 12 Avatars? I won't go to the theater unless it's for something like that. You guys should know this.

I'm shopping around for a 4K television and basically what that is is it's four 1080p televisions combined into one TV. So that level of resolution means that's four different ways that I'm better than you. I just watch a movie. I'm experiencing it to a degree that you'll never experience it. There are no Steven Seagal movies in 4K.

Yeah. We all just got to check for $1,000 a piece. We're rich, bitch bitch i'm buying a fucking ps4 i'm buying a 700 blender i'm fucking making soups in that bitch because that's how hot they actually copied my idea to get the blender guess who's gonna buy first bitch i got a meaning it's my idea i got a new tv guys did you yeah it's a 3K TV, and it only shows racist... Nice. Oh, yeah.

Okay, I get it. It's a KTV. That was really good, Adam. You were sitting on that while we were talking about 4K. Then we started talking about what we're going to buy with the checks. I couldn't get in there. A new topic of discussion. I couldn't get in there.

And you thought, this 3K joke is so good, I'm going to save it for after a whole other topic has been introduced. Well, it was fast. It was fast moving, you know, and it was just one topic. Maybe if you were feeling the flow of the conversation instead of being pleased with yourself

because of the 3K joke. I just thought that if I brought back the 3K joke that it would be a funny enough joke to disrupt. So what else are you going to buy with your stuff? When I was a that if I brought back the 3K joke, that it would be a funny enough joke to disrupt. So what else are you going to buy with your store? When I was a kid, I thought... Sorry. I thought... I get anxiety when people bring up the Klan, because as a kid, I thought it was Clue Clucks Klan.

Yeah, yeah, me too. What do you mean? Hold on. And so I said that to somebody one time, and they laughed at me in fourth grade for saying Clue Clucks Klan. And then that's why I... So whenever the Klan comes up, I get nervous. It's not Clu. It's Ku. It's Ku.

And it's because I fucked it up one time. Well, I used to think it was like chickens. So the thing that makes you nervous about the KKK is the pronunciation. Yeah. It's not their existence and you're just like – Yeah, no. That's my privilege is that I get, and you're just like... Yeah, no, that's my privilege, is that I get nervous.

You're nervous? I'm embarrassed about a conversation. You're pronouncing it wrong, not them, like, fucking doing hate crimes to your family. Well, it doesn't affect me. Well, no, it does affect you, apparently. How so? Nick can't handle anti-Semitism. I thought it was Ku Klux as well.

Oh, yeah, I had to get off Twitter. Nick quit Twitter because of all the anti-Semitism, and you know what? I support you as an ally. He's also wearing a yellow star in solidarity with me for the month. And I think that's great. I really support you. Well, we do make you wear a yellow star.

Well, I have to. In true punk rock tradition, I got a giant swastika tattooed on my chest. Yeah. And a little arrow underneath it that says, bad. No, get out of here giant swastika tattooed on my chest yeah a little arrow underneath it that says uh bad no get out of here swastika yeah yeah underneath so people know fuck dude that's awesome yeah people know that i'm against the swastika that's fucking tight yeah it's cool it's uh yeah anti-fascism i like that anti-fascist dude anti-fascism? Dude, anti-fascism is where it's at. Oh, dude, yeah.

Did you guys see that pin that was like $10,000? Like Swarovski crystals and shit. It was a safety pin. So funny. I just mean I like putting like Gigi Allen pins, you know?

Like I'm a cool guy. I love Gigi Allen. That's real music, man. Real music is when you just get up there and you take a dump on the stage and you make some

documentary. Have you seen the documentary? And then you show everyone your dick and you smear the shit all over your face. That's real music. You talk about fucking kids. And you eat the poo. And then you eat the shit. You eat the poo-poo.

And that's like, you know, that's the kind of shit you miss out on with your fucking MP3s and your CDs. You know, that's like real vinyl. Who is visceral? It's immediate you know you're like seeing the man poop on stage you're smelling the poop on stage you know you're seeing him eat it it's something more it's punk rock you know it's like there's always some and there's always some poster wearing wearing the shit from that show to the show you gotta wear last year's the shit he left

on the last show. He can't wear shit from the same guy who shit on his show. He walked in went to the merch table bought a t-shirt. You gotta have

311's shit. You gotta have a big turd. Not even the same genre of music. Who the fuck went to a Gigi Allen concert?

You saw that documentary right? Found out what that was like and was like hell yes. that's what i want to fucking some guy's screaming it's gonna smell horrible the guy that might rape my mouth while i'm while he's fucking it's also like you can get that for free in new york city everywhere yeah just take the train yeah yeah that's what the train is dude people is it like the only people i

knew that were like liked gg allen were just like try-hard 13-year-olds, right? That's how it still is. Were there any grown men at those shows? Were there grown people? No, it's music for 11-year-olds. To have zero imagination. They're mad that their dads haven't come back. That's why I'm glad I never liked Bukowski.

There was a whole period where people were getting into Bukowski, and I'm like, you realize this is trash, right? It's garbage. This is really bad. He's bad at writing. Jake liked Bukowski. Joe, well, Jake is a man of many tastes. Well, no, it's one taste.

He liked Bukowski. Bukowski. Yeah. What do you have to say about that, Adam? I think it's cool if he's into that But I think I don't I agree with Nick's take Because Nick is my boss

Nick ain't my boss dude I'm a fucking independent contractor I'll do whatever the fuck I want Yeah you guys are independent contractors I'm not necessarily your boss No you're my boss chief That means if one of you individually gets sued For something that happens on the show

I don't have to help you out What are the odds that someone gets sued For something that happens on the show, I don't have to help you out. Well, if I get... What are the odds that someone gets sued for something on the show and it's not you? If I get injured... Why would I get sued? I've never said anything bad about anybody. If I get injured on the show, which I'm planning on... I said true things.

What, is Jake going to sue me for saying you like Bukowski? It's fucking true. No, I'm not talking about that. If I get injured on the show, I'm going to file for... Jake doesn't need... We do workman's comp. No. You don't understand.

No, you... Nick, you have to do it if I get hurt. What if I just fucking... Stop it. Ow. Stop. Ow. That's a work-related injury.

Yeah, what if I hit him? Shouldn't you be accountable? What part of independent contractor don't you understand? If you're employees, yes, actually. Because of respondent superior. Let me be vice president. Which means that anything that happens, even something like that, in the course of normal day-to-day business, I would be responsible for it. I'm going to report you.

After that, I could go and sue you. I could also sue him because you colluded to make it happen. It wasn't a collusion. Yeah, you pose it as a hypothetical. First of all, already I have have nine lawyers and everything I say yeah everything I say they go lobby and make it into law oh wow whoa I know that that's fucked up that's that's what I'm talking about that's juice that's real juice that's power you know yeah yeah that's power um so we're gonna become wall street guys

we have been wearing suspenders ever since we got these one thousand dollar checks yeah dude i'm i'm in hair club for men now i'm wearing suspenders attached to my oversized basketball yeah that is such a bad look i have a french cuff shirt you know stripy you do have tie-dye socks though bitch don't tell the listener. That's some straight Jewish summer camp socks right there, my dude. Oh, hell yeah. These socks will listen to fish, dude. Guster.

So what's going on this week? I guess, you know. Thanksgiving, bitch. Yeah, Thanksgiving. I can't wait. I don't give a fuck. So I guess in honor of Thanksgiving, we have a couple of fun little facts. Maybe stuff you didn't know about Thanksgiving. We've been prepping this bit, so I think it's ready to go.

It's been in the oven. It's been roasting. Yeah, like a turkey. Like a turkey, yeah. Like a big turkey. That's pretty good. That's pretty funny. Adam, do you want to start?

I have one. Hold on. That doesn't pick up ever. Why? He does that every episode where he farts at the fucking mic. It just doesn't register. The fart gets trapped in the wind guard. Dude, I bet it registers, honestly.

It doesn't. I'm the guy that fucking listens to it. Every once in a while, one of them goes through. No. That wasn't a good one, but anyway. They're never good. Also, you should do better farts. I'm trying,'re never good. Also, you should do better farts. I'm trying, man.

As a fat person, you should do better farts. I have not been eating that bad, by the way. Yeah, you do very small, lame, like French girl type farts. I've been trying to eat better. That's why. Yeah, you're a fraud. You should do some thunderous kind of wet. I've been wearing a fat suit.

I'm sexy as shit, actually. You're dead sexy. Dude, I'm so fat. I wish fat suits would come back. Hopefully in the trump administration absolutely that's all comedy honestly you know people are like oh this is going to be good for comedy it's like yeah it's going to be good for comedy if comedy goes back to being racist and dumb because that's good comedy you know i mean i mean seriously people

are like oh wow adventure time it's actually got a lot of jokes for adults and i show it's for babies you don't have a lot of jokes for adults fucking No, it's for babies. You know what had a lot of jokes for adults? Fucking Daffy Duck when he was using the N-word. Those are jokes for adults. You want to talk about children's entertainment, it's meant for a grown man. How about Porky the Pig calling somebody a Jap and shoving bamboo under his fingernails? That's a joke for an adult. Ebony, Ebony, you're dead, Jap. Those are good adult-oriented children's cartoons.

Yeah. Cold Black and the Seven Dwarves. That is... You expect a child to understand the jokes printed on the back of that Murder Incorporated truck? Well, it's very nuanced and adult. Oh, fuck, the Seven Dwarves, that shit is so terrible. The prince's teeth are made out of gold and they've got, like. The seven dwarves. That shit is so terrible. The prince's teeth are made out of gold

and they've got, like, dice markings on them. Well, gold, that's an expensive... Yeah. Children don't understand that. It's expensive. They don't know about

any of that stuff. Yeah, that's true. Well, children are fucking stupid as shit. Yeah. You're right. I still think we should make that cool

Sultan sketch. That would be a good sketch? With all this money? I had another idea for a fucking sketch the other day i can't oh yeah it's like a uh so it's like a dog fight you know i love that it's in like a warehouse we can use my dog real tough urban setting yeah very urban and it's all these dudes that are like yeah and then i'm you know we'll write the n-word into it there'll be a lot of guys saying, yeah, you know. Like Scorsese.

I'm going to say my man right now. You know what I mean. It's like, yeah, my man. Let me get, you know, so they're setting up the dog fight. They got the dogs in the pit. And they're like, yeah, you ready to do this shit, my man? You ready to do this? So this is like the UPN 20 version of the sketch. So they got the dogs there, and then there's a guy with a boombox,

and he hits play on the boombox. But then the audio is obviously coming from the boombox. It's not overlaying the shot. And then out of the boombox, they're all listening to like, In the arms of an angel. That's their favorite shit at the dog fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the song they listen to.

The one from the commercial. They're like, yeah, yeah, that's my shit, my man. Yeah, my man. My man. My man. Yeah. That's the sketch idea. Do you think, like, Tarantino, like, he's, like, at his keyboard?

My man, please. He's like, add his keyboard. My man, please. There's a lot of my mans running around. Oh, guys, stop it. So to answer your question, yes, the show is bigoted. It is ironic, but what does it matter? Because it's a slippery slope, irony.

That's why I had to leave Twitter. Van Culture's going to openly defend the American Nazi Party. Yeah, that's's tough there's no room for guys like me anymore at least online relegated to the world of podcasts where there's still a little bit of nuance left yeah this is nuanced this is nuanced dude that's what that's what i was i was uh thinking i would break my heart if my daughter ever brought my man home. Shut up. Do you think there's a guy out there that's like, you know, a guy that's like, I don't care if you're gay. You're my son. I love you. But don't you ever bring a Mexican man.

Yes, for sure. I think so. In fact, I'm glad you're gay. Yeah. The Bible actually says it's okay. Yeah. People read it wrong. It's like that for gay Jews, where they're like...

It's better to bring home hope. As long as you bring hope, it doesn't chew. Which book actually says that it's wrong to be gay? Leviticus? Yeah, it's the same one where it's like you can't fucking eat shellfish. It was my bar mitzvah portion, actually. Oh, yeah? Your parents chose it? No, that was just around my birthday. bar mitzvah portion, actually. Oh, yeah? Your parents chose it?

No, that was just around my birthday. They just wanted to send you a message. Just in case. You have to make sure he's not a... They're a little suspicious. I'd like to read it. Now, Adam, read this very carefully. My dad crocodileed that name.

Goodbye, mate. I'm from South Africa. I'm Adam's gay dad. Bloomin' onion, governor. Cheerio. Tip top. Put another buffet on the lorry. I'm gonna suck off a kangaroo, I am.

That's not how South Africans sound. I can do a South African accent if you want. No. Adam's gay. Adam, my son is gay. You want to do our version of the South African accent. We don't want to hear your version. I'll have a gay son named. Edim's gay. Edim, my son is gay. We want to do our version of the South African accent. We don't want to hear your version.

I'll have a gay son named Edim. He's gay. Oh, he's gay because I ate too many crumpets while I was pregnant. While I was snorkeling his mom. In South Africa, the man gets pregnant

because he's got a pouch like a fucking roo. I could show you guys a South African accent if you want. And then he sucks a you know what he does is he puts a kangaroo kangaroo's

tail up his ass and then the kangaroo nuts him and he sucks off a wallaby yeah most on Adam's gay you know it's okay for us to say that

cause South Africa's racist so yeah yeah yeah that's us doing freedom fighting there's a story my dad used to down with fucking white ass

South Africa there's a story my dad used to tell me white ass. Down with fucking... White ass South Africa. There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. What's that shit called? Apartheid. Yeah. Down with that shit. There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. And was he like, eat him?

He sat me down and he said, There was a lion. And a great warrior great that's pretty good yeah Scottish that's pretty good Scottish Scottish accent

unlike our spot on South African accent wait what were we talking about before we started Thanksgiving irony oh yeah getting head South Africa's not stupid.

South Africa's pretty stupid. It's a beautiful country. They've been making so many shitty movies. So is that guy? District 9. It's just that one guy. Chappie. He got away with making a movie. No, Chappie's kind of tight.

No, it's not. It's not bad. I watched it recently. It's not bad. It's bad. District 9 was pretty good. District 9 wasn't that good And people thought it was good

And then he's like What if I made an even shittier movie No he's like What if He's like Okay First of all We're going to have robots

Right Okay No there's not The middle one is Elysium But the robots The robots Represent the bleeks The bleeks And then everyone else represents the

whites and it's really about apartheid it's not it's like y'all it's like uh is that chappy or is that it's like district nine that's what district nine is that's what elysium is elysium is the one where it's all about apartheid matt damon who who like uh he doesn't he's like has some bullshit accent or he speaks spanish or something he doesn't bullshit accent, or he speaks Spanish or something. I don't know. He doesn't speak Spanish, or he's the one guy raising the barrio. Yeah, there's a barrio. There's a bunch of fucking Spanish people.

The movie sucks, dude. Realty. Elysium sucks. Chappie sucks. Okay, well, sorry, dude. It's not my fault. I don't know that guy, Neil Blomkamp. I'm mad because we were talking about something and then we got sidetracked.

Thanksgiving, irony, Ann Coulter, Nazis. Oh, yeah. The Ann Coulter thing. Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. Yeah, that is fucking weird. She's just outright defending Nazis now. I'm shocked. I am.

I would think she would be that dumb. Yeah. You know? It's legitimately scary that Nazis are just like... She's just a troll, right? Things that pundits... People say that all the time. Whenever they're confronted with somebody that just has these ridiculous beliefs,

they go, oh, they're a troll, which is the case with maybe two or three people. She knows how to piss people off, though. Sure, but she believes it. Oh, sure. If her beliefs just piss people off, why wouldn't she anyways? There are plenty of bigoted idiots that don't know how to piss off a ton of people and she is not one of them yeah i don't understand the motivation behind saying oh well they're just a troll or whatever i think that's like i'm not saying that i'm not i'm not

saying that as an excuse i'm not i'm not saying that oh there is this like narrative of these people these people that like like just have regular beliefs but put on this fucking facade. People think that about Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, all these types of motherfuckers. And I guess I sort of did think that about Ann Coulter. Well, Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly makes more sense because they're former radio guys. Right, right, right. Glenn Beck more so. Bill O'Reilly was like, he's got that little hat and shit now.'s got the little hat and that scarf oh yeah he's terrible in that picture he looks so

funny oh yeah now he's black lives matter west yeah yeah wild wild kanye west yeah yeah he's like uh he's like westworld now yeah it looks like he goes to get his dick sucked by fucking bar maidens in westworld yeah yeah well he goes he goes by the way he goes to get his dick sucked by fucking bar maidens in Westworld. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he goes to Westworld to suck Thomas Jefferson's dick. I fucking watched one episode of Westworld when I was high. And is the point of that thing, these people pay money to have these fantasy experiences? Yeah. And then just like a lot of them are just rape? Yeah, yeah.

And murder. That just rapes people? Yeah. What the fuck is that but i don't know why it has to be the wild west why would why would rape be like a destination rape but they're having sex with prostitutes in the wild west no that guy like but it's also like there's no way in the future world you wouldn't just have prostitutes right like i don't understand why you would go with your family to the wild west and then you'd be like, honey, you and the boys have fun.

I'm going to go have sex with this extremely realistic robot that has its own personality that needs to be wiped at night. It's not cheating because... It's like if you're going to rape dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. That's essentially what this is. That's what happened. That's crazy. Why would you...

I can't believe that's the fucking... It's because human beings actually have a dark nature. Oh, man. And that's how you know the show's smart. That's pretty good, man. Yeah. It's kind of like Black Mirror. It's for smart people.

I actively hate Westworld, but for some reason... I watched three episodes of it. I didn't want to watch it. I watched ten minutes of the first episode, and I was like, yeah, this is a bad show. And I've kind of been... It just costs so much money that I feel like I have to watch it. I don't know why. It's stupid.

I don't know why. That's dumb as hell. I was watching Sopranos again. I love it. I'm back in. I had never technically finished The Sopranos. I know. You're a fucking idiot, dude. I know. No, I'm plugging away, dude. That's what I'm doing over Thanksgiving. again i love back in i had never technically finished the sopranos oh i know you're fucking i know no i'm plugging away dude that's what i'm doing over thanksgiving i'm just fucking

eating a steak by myself and uh and uh watching sopranos um guys so thanksgiving facts that's what i was oh yeah well i didn't i didn't sidetrack us on that one. That was someone else. No, I said, Adam, what's your Thanksgiving fact? And then Saf said something. That was our homework for this week. We're rich now. We have to prepare for this podcast. Absolutely.

We have to start writing bits in advance like all the other good podcasts do. You think Mark Maron just lets his show happen? He's like, nah, how am I going to act like a cunt this week? He writes all that. This is a character I'm doing. He's actually a really nice guy. Yeah. But that's his character.

He's an angel. So Thanksgiving is basically the holiday. And he hates going to the fucking post office. Where Christopher Columbus met with the Indians. That's right. Another Italian-American, Christopher Columbus. Right. And he said, we're going to have a lunch.

We're going to have a big old fucking meal. Yeah. And then that's how- They had macaroni. They had gravy. That's how we're going to make peace. They had a lot of gravy. Yeah.

They had some gravy. Very good gravy. Some macaroni. And then what happened was, because of his flashy style, his flashy but very accessible style- Italian style. All the squaws wanted to fuck him, and the chief got mad. What are squaws?

That's a type of Indian? I think that's a woman. I think it's like a group of friends. I thought that was like a woman Indian. Squaw! Squaw. Squaw! Squaggles?

Squaggles! Squaggles! And then the Indians got mad and tried to fight him. Well, what are the types of Indians Indians And then he had to have a genocide It's Apache, Dothead Savage Muslim Sikh

Turban style Sikh is actually That's like the SS If Muslims are Nazis If Muslims are Germans Then Sikhs are like the SS. Yeah, yeah. Like the Schutztoffel of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why, you know, people are like, oh, these Sikhs are being attacked after 9-11. Yeah, yeah. It's like they had too much pride to do 9-11. It's not, you know, they weren't responsible for it because they thought they were too good for it. Yeah, it's a cowardly way to die. If the Sikhs could have found a way to chop down the towers, I'm sure they would have. And that justifies it, in my mind.

Guys, Nick is just a troll. No, he believes all this stuff. No, he doesn't. You know what? And I probably brought it up before, but where the fuck is... What happened to those turbans that had the jewel and the feather on them?

That was tough. Yeah, I could fix Muslim-American relations with the general public in fucking 20 minutes if you just let me sit these people down and just say to them once and for all, bring back the jewel feather turban. Wear it.

Muslims don't wear turban. I don't think they have turban. We'll pay for it. I don't care. Start wearing them. That's what people want. They do want that. You make a deal

with the police, you put a camera in the jewel. One gold tooth. Yeah, the NSA will pay for the cameras. The Muslims become the police body cams they get the cool everyone thinks they're Aladdin's dad-in-law Jasmine's

dad the good guy because right now I'm telling you you're Jafar yes most the people did not have a jewel I think he did I think he had a red jewel. No. He was also kind of... He had a hat. He was kind of fruity. That's true. That is... But didn't he want to fuck... Jafar. He wanted to fuck Jasmine.

All the bad guys were gay. Yeah. But Jafar was sort of... James does that as well. Jafar was sort of an Omar Mateen character. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you think about it. Yeah, yeah.

He was like a closeted... Omar sucks pee. He used to just go to the gay clubs and be like, I hate it here. I hate it.. I hate it. Everyone's so happy. I don't want to have sex with anybody here.

That's my Jafar. Pretty good? Not bad. Not bad, right? Yago, let me suck your parrot's cock. They're supposed to be Muslim in Aladdin, right?

I don't know. They're supposed to be Arabian. Arabian, yeah. But didn't Jafar want to fuck Jasmine? Yeah. No, he only wanted to marry Jasmine so he But didn't Jafar want to fuck Jasmine? Yeah. No, he only wanted to marry Jasmine so he could have a ascendancy. But didn't he have like a weird creepy wanting to fuck her and fucking eat her?

That's not creepy. She was hot. She was. Maybe he's gay. She was the hottest girl. For sure. Well, yeah. Out of any Disney girl.

She was fire, dude. Ariel was hot as shit. She had ass too. She was fire, dude. Ariel was hot as shit. She had ass, too. I'm actually only attracted to the POC Disney princesses. In case anyone's listening and keeping score in terms of the things I've said,

Chuck, a big fat, that's like 100 points in the good guy category. In real life, just white women. I actually only wanted to fuck Sebastian The Jamaican lobster

From the I wanted to have That's huge man That's trans-species That's black I wanted to fuck him To use his pinchers on my balls Ooh

Yeah put his claw in my ass Puts his tail in your ass While he pinches your balls The Jamaican I want to fuck Mulan When she's dressed as a man I want to put the tea kettle I want to fuck the tea kettle

Warm up that I want the candle That French candle What is going on in here That has to be the gayest word Oh I don't know about this one What is going on in here That has to be the gayest word Condelabra That's the gayest word

Yeah There's no way Liberace documentary Yeah for sure That wasn't bad Scott Scott That candle definitely went in people's asses

That guy was definitely a gay candle Gaston was gay Gaston was hella gay You think Gaston was gay. Gaston was hella gay. You think Gaston was the only straight character in Beauty and the Beast? What are you talking about? The Beast was gay?

They were all gay except Gaston. Gaston's the only guy that's straight. Gaston's assistant, LeFou. Holy shit. Wanted to suck off

Gaston so bad. What a queer. My favorite thing about Beauty and the Beast is that like, you know, first of all, Belle is a piece of shit.

That character sucks. She's just like the only person in town that knows how to read Beast is that like, you know, first of all, Belle is a piece of shit. That character sucks. She's just like the only person in town that knows how to read and she's like, I'm better than everyone here. Yeah. Than everyone.

Yeah. Fuck her. Dad works hard. Like, you know, he's got a job making shit. Sure, the shit he makes sucks, but she's like, no, I'm just going to read all this.

Yeah, all his adventures did suck dick. Yeah, she fucking didn't do shit. She sucked. And then everyone in the town is just like, you know, like no one's like, didn't we have a prince at one point? Yeah.

Wasn't there some kind of government here that, like, oversaw everything? The prince has just been missing for years. There's a mansion in the woods that no one checks in on. I think we talked about this. Yeah, we might have. But who else would you fuck, though? Sleeping Beauty? Jasmine, dude. She's so fire. Yeah, Jasmine is the hottest But who else would you fuck, though? Sleeping Beauty? Jasmine, dude.

She's so fire. Yeah, Jasmine is the hottest one. She's so fire. She had the ass. Were there any women dwarves? Why weren't there any women dwarves? On what? In Sleeping Beauty and the Beast?

No, it's the old man. The other one. No, they all... There were seven dwarves. Oh, Maleficent, probably. She was fun. I love going to deviant art accounts where the seven dwarves are doing gangbang. Oh, Maleficent probably. She was fucking... I love going to deviant art accounts where the seven dwarves are doing gangbang.

Oh, the best shit on deviant art... Yeah, that shit is great. They're all just fucking with their little but thick-ass midget dicks. The best shit on deviant art is train sonas. It's autistic people that draw themselves as trains. Oh, yeah. So they have like...

So it'll be like a... Hell yes. It'll be like a Tom... Hell yes. It'll be like a colored pencil drawing of like a Thomas the Tank Engine character, but then it'll have those like, those shitty rectangular lens crafters glasses on the train. Just no emotion on the train's face.

Like, this is my train sona, Eric. It's a diesel... Train sona. Yeah. What a fucking stupid name. Stupid name. Persona. But it's a diesel Train Sona Yeah What a fucking stupid name Persona But it's a train Yeah

Damn that's some good shit I also Chew Sona Oh Arthur Chew got divorced Oh that's funny as shit She left him Yeah she divorced him Did she look good

I mean better than Arthur Should be able to do Yeah That's true Was it right after that Jeopardy money Arthur should really only Fuck people that look

Identical to Arthur. There's no lateral shift. I have seen so many women that look like him. There's no lateral shift of looking like that, you know? You can't be like, oh, well, his wife's ugly, but in a different way. Like, that's peak ugly is Arthur. Yeah, that is true. You want to hear a fun-

Arthur looks like the brain bug from the end of Starship Troopers. Oh, fuck, dude. My cousin, this is a funny, fuck, dude. My cousin, this is a funny kind of racist thing. My cousin... Well, we don't want to hear it, man. ...is dating a Chinese guy, and she did Snapchat...

So, one's in the family. She did Snapchat face swap with his grandparents, like these two little Chinese people, and they look exactly the same as without the face swap. little Chinese people, and they look exactly the same as without the face. Old Asian people, it's like completely... It's really cute.

Do you think that's why communism worked in that country is because they all look exactly the same? Yeah, you just replace one. One goes out. Yeah, but I mean, because even the Chinese people, they have to... They have to be like, come on.

Yeah, I mean, you know you know i mean there's like with white people they all came from like at some point all extremely racist countries that insisted on inbreeding for you know thousands of years so that's what you do have some kind so we're all cocker spaniels and yeah exactly there's different like breeds of white people but with china it's like i mean come on there's like four people that with China it's like, I mean, come on. There's like four people that live there. It's like the Sims, dude. China is an entire country built on create-a-wrestler presets.

There's one guy that's like an asshole with tie-dye sweatpants and a parrot on his head. Like Juggalo makeup. I think they all look really different. I think there's at least 12 types. There's, like, the Yao Ming. There's the Jackie Chan. There's sexy bitches.

There's different flavors of sexy bitches. You know? Ones with big titties. Ones that are tall but trim. So that's, like, two people right there. Thoughts? You know, I think that probably if you live in China,

it's probably easier to differentiate between different people that you live with. I don't know, guys. If we have any Chinese nationalists that listen to the show, just call in. Go ahead and call in. Let us know whether or not

and I know this is definitely an extremely stale inquiry. Probably dating back 30 years but it hasn't been resolved. We're doing like a David Brenner bit right now. Have you ever watched David Brenner? There's no answer.

Oh, I'm getting a call right now. This better be good, dude. This better be a fucking hilarious thing you have to say if you're going to do a phone act out. What is it? They hung up. Who hung up? Oh, they hung up? The Chinese National that was calling me.

All right, Thanksgiving facts. So, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Yeah. Yes. Do you know it was originally the Nina the penis in the Santa Maria? I do now. I saved it. Hell yeah, dude.

It was Nina, Latina, Rita, Shalondra, Freakily. It was a Petey Pablo. There was a fourth ship called the Freakily. Freakily. Petey Pablo was the original settler of Catan. Came over from Europe for spices. How fucking funny is that? That like all of the problems as far as racism goes.

Because the food was too bland. Colonialism, yeah. Is because somebody was like, I'm trying to put some hot sauce on my damn bread. That's how Europeans actually talked back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned this from the black Israelites. Medieval Europe, all black men. It was.

Just the kings. Yeah. Everyone else was white. All the subjects were white. And the kings and queens. Dude, I fucking love them so much. I know. I wish I could participate.

I would fucking love to be a part of that. Dress up in their stupid costumes. I could participate. I would fucking love to be a part of that. Dress up in their stupid costumes. I love it. Just screaming at people, dude. King Arthur? Oh, he was black. Merlin? Merlin was black.

Merlin was black? Yeah. I was like, yeah, none of those people were real. You know how you spell Merlin? They said they weren't to take him away from us. You know how you spell Merlin? M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D. Nice little voice.

God. Very nice. Very nice. Balmer Merlin. Yeah, what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? I was going to roll with you, but I just found out that you're not going home until Friday. Yeah. So what the fuck is that? But Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Yeah, what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? I was going to roll with you, but I just found out that you're not going home until Friday. Yeah. I told you that.

But Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Yeah, but... So you're not going... What the fuck is the point of going back on Friday? Well, some of my family's not even going to be there until Friday, so I just... I don't even give a fuck about it. You're having Greek Thanksgiving? No, we don't really give a fuck about Thanksgiving.

Greek people don't really care about Thanksgiving, so I'm just going to go... This is why Ann Coulter's right. That's why... See, go back. I'm going Friday. Greek people don't really care about Thanksgiving. This is why Ann Coulter's right. That's why you should go back. I'm going Friday. Greek people don't care about Thanksgiving. That's why we need to kick them out. This isn't a women's shelter.

It's a country. Yep. I went to Starbucks today and had them write Thanksgiving on my cup. Yeah. This is pretending they have a problem with it. You have your gun in the selfie video you're taking. I want you to watch this youtube i'm going into starbucks now and i'm having them right uh kwanzaa christmas hanukkah thanksgiving

arbor day memorial every holiday i can on the cup if they run out of space i am discharging my weapon directly i'm gonna face the ethnic ethnic barista has paid too much money. How is that? That's like the last battleground of American conservatism. Why are they so mad at Starbucks? It's fucking lattes. I'll tell you why. Because if you drive cross-country and you go to some of these shitty-ass towns in the middle of nowhere... The only thing they have is a Starbucks.

That's like the most cosmopolitan place they have. Yeah, dude. That is New York liberalism. That's the beacon of liberalism. You walk in there, it's like a most cosmopolitan place they have yeah dude that is new york that's the beacon of liberalism you walk in there it's like a fucking woody allen to these woody allen movie these people yeah i love that every year it's fucking something well they were just writing trump that shit is so good yeah what a fucking protest they won't they won't write i'm gonna give these motherfuckers 12 my name is swastika you gotta write it on my cup. I'm going to give these motherfuckers $12. My name is Swastika.

You got to write it on there. That's the rule. Yeah, like that's even a law or something. It's in the fucking Constitution. They're the same people that like insist on misgendering people. Yeah. They're like, I am fucking saying Bruce. They're like, they wrote my name wrong on the cup.

On my double shot red eye, flat white. That I had to have mine special. And they wouldn't do it. So now that you're not rolling, what are you doing? How about you, Adam? We're having Thanksgiving at my apartment. I don't have to go back to Las Vegas. No Vegas, dude?

Your parents are immigrants too. My parents are immigrants but they they embrace a lot of American shit. They assimilated like bitches. Unlike my dad who hates America.

He doesn't like like basketball or anything? He hates everything, dude. Really? He hates it all. If we didn't even take the language fuck no. You couldn't even

really speak to him. Well, my parents were English speaking immigrants so we had a little bit easier. My dad got kicked out of his citizenship exam. Did he? Yeah, yeah. Because they...

This is bullshit. Literally, yes. He was like... Because he couldn't spell things right, and they were marking him wrong. And he was like, I don't want to be a fucking citizen anyway. Literally, he did just like that fucking... He got kicked out. He got tossed, and he never went back.

So wait, he's just overstaying his visa now? I think he's got some kind of... I mean, I don't know. Hopefully he's legal. Because I'll report him. I didn't get my dad deported. We will report his ass. It would be so funny if because of Trump, my dad gets deported.

I'm going to report his ass. Dude, don't do it, dude. Don't report him. I won't say his name. Yeah. It's a scary time. You know, it's like in the first Care Bears movie when they call the cousins. Yeah.

We can all help. But did they win? Did they beat Trump in the first care bears movie when they call the cousins yeah we can all help but do they win did they beat trump in the care bears uh yeah hillary becomes president i just found out that woman tulsi gabbard on our smart politics uh episode that was like yeah she's gonna be the next president she's a u.n ambassador she's a um or they were talking about no no that's nikki haley yeah well she just got it but they were talking about tulsi she met with trump she met with trump yeah she's also a fundamentalist hindu she like supports prime minister modi and india like killing modi supported genocide yeah yeah yeah like killing like all the muslims in india she was like protesting against gay marriage like real hard yeah yeah yeah so good thing you open your stupid mouth

when i say smart shit yeah yeah great well so wrong for everyone listening you're also wrong about the fucking stock market which nobody has apologized to me for you i never said that he did on the election night everyone was like oh the fucking stock market no i said immediately on election night that they were gonna be running hog wild and, making a ton of money until the next fucking collapse. And we have to bail them out again in five years. No, no, no. Everyone's like, oh, the markets are collapsing. I was like, it'll bounce back.

No, and he's going to have a fucking political operative as chairman of the Fed. He's going to lower interest rates around election times. And he's going to keep winning. And, you know. But that doesn't mean that we're going to have an overall healthy economy what do you think the next bubble is the next bubble

yeah I mean like financial institutions are going to it's going to be the same thing like financial institutions are going to get

way too big and if any of them fail we're going to have massive systemic failure and it's going to tank the entire economy it probably won't be the finance industry

that does it it's probably going to be the what market what market is going to cause a entire economy. It probably won't be the finance industry that does it. It's probably going to be the... What market? What market is going to cause a bubble? Sextile industry. Sextile? I think water.

Is it seven grand now? You think water is going to do it? I think water is the most important thing in the next hundred years. Yeah? Yep. We're going to have more water, though. The glaciers are melting. No.

See, look. These people, they don't even think these things through. Look at him. He's making up excuses now we're going to melt the ice caps everybody's we're going to import the melted ice caps all the way to flint i think that i'm firing up the trans pp bill the trans pp trans pp bill lets trans people go to china for free to pp in the coke is revenge sounds good to me but it costs a lot of people toilet making jobs i made a i went to a toilet factory in flushing queens where they invented the toilet

i met all these people they love me i said we're gonna flush hillary so he's not locking her up now no he's not locking her up you should go to r slash lock uh lock her up it's pretty funny right now oh is it yeah yeah that sounds great yeah they're they're very upset yeah oh yeah they're like he's not he's not the fbi he's just a fucking president man he's like he can't tell them not to lock her up yeah they're pissed yeah i love how much they want hillary clinton to be in jail Oh no Trump this week is like First of all I met Obama He's really cool First of all he's really really cool

My man Kushner is just running shit it looks like Who's got a hilarious name Kush Kushner No one's got a better name than Mike Crapo What is it the crap man hey crapster where's he from i'm with crap i'm with crap god damn if he ran for anything he's fucking who is that guy who's my crappo crap uh he's uh hold on he's you

he's the senator from idaho or congressman or something i don't know fuck is he really me yeah he's you dude that's fucked up dude whatever dude he'll be in a bathroom trying to fuck a guy pretty soon that's why they want to keep trans people out of the bathroom because that's where they try to i might accidentally fuck a trans person i'm trying to fuck a real man i'm trying to have sex with a real man in the bathroom secretly. I've made that joke. I've made that joke. Yeah, well,

I just made it now. Nobody's heard you made that joke. I said it on stage. None of us witnessed that. Sounds like you're fucking lying again. I'm not lying. When?

Where? What show? Crooked piece of shit. I did it at the Hollywood Improv. I did it at the Hollywood Bowl. The Hollywood Bowl. Yeah, well, I did it at the Hollywood Bowl. The Hollywood Bowl.

Yeah, well, I did it at fucking Carnegie Hall, dude. Really? The Carnegie Deli in line. Across the street from Carnegie Hall. They named the hall after the deli? Yeah, it was their first. God damn it. You learn a new thing about this city every freaking day.

That's what I love about it. Andrew Carnegie actually took his name from the deli. He named himself after the deli. He was a trans woman that lived in the bathroom. And when he got rid of his dead name, he chose Andrew Carnegie after the deli. He chose his name because he likes the sandwiches? Mm-hmm. God, we should get a deli.

We should get deli for lunch. You guys want to get deli for lunch? Not really. Let's go to Katz's. I want We should get deli for lunch You guys want to get deli for lunch? Not really Let's go to Katz's I want there to be something funny To happen in this episode So I don't feel bad about it Wait there's funny stuff

No you know what It's my fault Because I wore Workout clothes I got too comfortable Yeah your T-levels Are out of control dude You're wearing your

Compressions The pheromones I'm too masculine right now It's no time to be funny You just want to Fucking get yoked Yeah I want to snowboard. I want to fucking pull

Sean White's bitch-ass hair. How dare he have that hair? On my mountain? He doesn't have it anymore. He cut it. Not on my mountain. Not on my fucking mountain, dude. Not on my beach.

This is a soda-drinking, crew-cut-wearing fucking mountain. Yeah. And if you ponytail boys come up here again, I'm going to tie your balls to the fucking chairlift And put that shit on full blast

And rip them off Holy shit Yeah And he surfs too dude He surfs? Yeah Not on my water mountain None

This beach Locals only Hey locals only Hey everybody Do the Shaka sign at him Listen Look at this fucking Behe over here man

This fucking Boohoo Be this fucking Behe over here, man. This fucking Boohoo Behe. Fucking Behe. This is Hawaii. Hawaii voted for Trump, right? No. Hawaii's like the most liberal state in America. Hawaii loves Trump. They love him. His haircut looks

like the ocean. That is true. They do love the water. He's very tan. Do they still have a king. They do love the water. Like the clouds, the wispy clouds over the ocean. He's very tan. They love tanning. Do they still have a king? They love having skin cancer. Yeah, they all do have skin. Didn't they used to have a king?

They have a king? I feel like the king of Hawaii is the guy that eats a 15-pound burger and gets his picture on the wall. No, it's the guy from The Punch. It's whoever the fattest Samoan, some king of the buffet. Yo, I'm about to challenge let's do a Hawaiian let's do a Hawaiian episode this man has drank

so much coconut milk this piece is locos only bro yo the the king is the guy from the punch the punch guy what punch Hawaiian punch.

Oh, that guy. You know it's a hat? Yeah, I didn't know it was a hat. That's crazy. You thought it was part of his head. Yeah, I thought it was some weird antlers. No, it's a hat. It's a Hawaiian saw hat.

Well, they updated it. They got a new Hawaiian punch guy now. Who looks like he has cancer, by the way. Yeah, he does not look good. Why is he so fucking pale? Yeah, I thought it was some weird ginger. Like the ginger in City of God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're like, I understand

he's actually from the favela, but do you understand how confusing this is going to be to racist American audiences like myself? Ron Weasley. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Why the fuck Archie Andrews is in in you know

yeah he should be denying these people welfare in an office area he shouldn't be in the slums Karen yeah fucking Carrot Top

in Brazil dude that guy looks fucked up I met him once you met the guy I saw him at Costco what Carrot Top Carrot Top

at Costco in Vegas yeah yeah he lives in Vegas I would love to walk up to Carrot Top and be like, man, I just got to ask you, where did your name come from? And then just act completely blown away. He's like, it's because I have red hair.

Like, oh my God. I never realized that. Mr. Top, big fan. Dude, he was buying so many props. You want to know something autistic about me. My friend quizzed me one time. Sonic came up. Sonic the Hedgehog.

And do you know Tails? Sure. He's like, do you know Tails' full name? It's like, yeah, it's Miles Tails Prower. Which is his full name. His name is Miles Prower. What the fuck? That's true. I, like, happen to know that. And he's like, yeah, it's Miles

Prower. And I was like, oh, and I just, yeah, it's Miles Prower, but I had just known, like, known that it was Miles Prower. And he was like, wait, you just remembered that as a name? I was like, yeah, I didn't understand why that character, I never, like, thought about it. Right, right, right. I thought it was, wait, you just remembered that as a name? I was like, yeah, I didn't understand why that character. I never thought about it.

Right, right, right. I thought it was, yeah, it was just like a weird deformed animal that has a man's name for some reason. Like a black tax attorney's name. Yeah, it sounds like a... It's the law office of Miles Proulx Esquire. It sounds like a personal injury. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you at our earliest convenience.

Sounds like a South Central LA personal injury attorney. That's basically an identical joke to what I just said that adds nothing. That adds literally nothing to what the fuck I just said. You're going to take the joke and now I'm going to make it mine by saying the exact same fucking thing you did. You couldn't even go on with another middle class occupation. I bought a TV the other day. That's a classic. Yeah, that's a classic Adam right there, my dude.

I got a 3K. Shut up, bitch. 3K TV. Ah. Tails was a small boy boy That Sonic fucked right Yeah Sonic fucked Tails Yeah yeah yeah I think that was like

A video game thing Like Donkey Kong Used to Fuck Diddy Kong What was Knuckles Thing Did he fuck Sonic No he punched

He was a punch guy He loved punching But do you think He fucked Sonic Was there a woman In this universe Yeah there's a girl And I don't know

If she's a She was yellow Amy Amy is the girl And did Dr. Robotnik Fuck anyone in this universe? Yeah, there's a girl. And I don't know if she's a... She was yellow. Amy. Amy is the girl. And did Dr. Robotnik fuck anyone? No, Dr. Robotnik is asexual German. Was he German?

Yeah. Oh. Well, maybe he's Russian or something. I always figured, like, he was the villainous Jew. You know what I mean? I always thought he was, like, a villainous right didn't you

one of the classic archetypes yeah i wish i could grow his facial hair like just a giant orange triangles coming out from the sides of my face yeah what is that it's just a chester b arthur yeah they just to put no effort into drawing animating this shit they make it because you know all of it stems from like when video games were like fucking eight bits so right they the proportions fit into whatever they could make look like a distinct shape you know on that screen so when it became a cartoon and they just kept going with that blueprint they were like what the fuck is i guess that's just what this guy looks like. Some freaky messed up shit.

Some weird oval. I want to remember what he looks like. What's up with Chris Chan these days? With who? Chris Chan. Who's Chris Chan? Oh, you don't know who Sonichu is? No.

Christian Weston Chandler? No. Oh my god. How the fuck did... How have I not told you guys about him before? What is this, like a computerler? No. Oh, my God. How the fuck did... How have I not told you guys about him before? What is this, like a computer thing? No. It's the most trolled individual in the history of the internet.

Really? So it sounds like a computer thing. I mean, I don't even know if it would be worth it to go into it, because I'm sure everyone listening to this knows who Chris Chan is. I think probably a lot of people don't, like me and stuff. Well, you're completely ignorant to what I'm talking about, so I don't even know what your frame of reference is to say people do or don't know about it.

I just think we have a lot of listeners. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm sure a lot of them. Anyhow, so about 10 years ago, about 10 years ago, this guy got popular on the internet i'm like mostly on 4chan it was an autistic guy like a 24 year old autistic guy loves his parents for posting this video where he's like it's wrong to be gay oh being gay is incorrect and you should

always be straight you know whatever but he's he's got around his neck this weird medallion made out of model magic that looks like a yellow sonic hell yeah and uh people dig deeper and they find all these uh cartoons he makes comics that he like looks like shitty he has the artistic abilities of a fucking 10 year old so he draws these comics called sonich, which is a character he created that's just Sonic combined with Pikachu. Oh, that's cute. But he's a homophobe. So, you know, people would like just sort of observing him. But over the years, the trolls became more and more involved in his life. And he had all of these ongoing dramas. And his

main things, at least 10 years ago where he was in search of a uh a boyfriend free uh girlfriend and he just self-described a boyfriend free uh sweetheart that's what he would so he would like put up he would have a sign that he would write up to be like i'm looking for a girlfriend and he would go sit on the community college campus but then he had qualifies on there like uh she has to be white she cannot be you know like just racist and stuff yes like you're not allowed to be fat or hell yeah this autistic guy and like the dean of students you know kicked him off and he got into this feud with the dean or whatever yes and then he was constantly being

banned from his local game stop and so he had these feuds going with it, you know, and he would make these videos of like, of like, uh, uh, create a character and like soul caliber of him murdering the Dean. He would like make the Dean, then make a character for himself and then have videos of him stabbing the Dean. And then the police had to get involved and like, you know, uh, and it just got better and better and better. That's awesome. So he had this quest to find a – he described himself as noviophobic, which is some bizarre combination of Spanish and Latin or Greek, I guess.

Yeah. Which means boyfriend-free or boyfriend-phobic. Okay. And so he became a – but he just stalks women. There's a woman that worked at the mall that was nice to him and so he like unfortunately she was nice to him so he would just like wait outside the store and stare at her and she'd be like get out of here and he would like run away you know come back and stuff jesus christ so as he got more and more attention online for his shitty comics like people started trolling him and it was all these like 12 year old boys that would call him up because they sounded like girls and they would pretend to be

girls to troll this grown autistic man oh fuck like what did he live with parents his parents obviously yeah and you know so then obviously his nudes got leaked and videos of him fucking blow up dolls yes and screaming like oh julie i love you julie a 12 year old boy pretending and uh and this was like all happening 10 years ago and he's got another so now he's trans he's busy he's been trans he basically killed his own father i think he set their house on fire he got them he got them kicked out of their house because he uploaded, he's like,

a tour of our home and the Department of Health found the video and their home is just in disarray and there's trash everywhere. What? So they got taken out of their home. Imagine being this kid's parents.

And a couple years ago, he got arrested again. We'll buy him a computer. It'll be good for him. Yeah, he got arrested again a GameStop because he they changed get this this is my one of my favorite recent Christian things Sony changed the color of Sonic's arms

from tan to blue yes oh he's like that's not what Sonic's arms look like yeah and so he went into the GameStop and his video him doing it he's just he's fully trans so he's dressed like a woman and he goes into the GameStop. And there's a video of him doing it. He's just, he's fully trans now. So he's dressed like a woman and he goes into the GameStop and he's trying to color in Sonic's arms with like a blue magic marker.

Oh, yes. And the employees are like, what are you doing? And he starts macing the employees. Oh, what? Yeah. I love that it's like how stupid you are

that like Sony makes a change so you go to your local GameStop and decide that's what's gonna change it that's what's gonna turn it around you gotta be the

change you seek yeah no he's he's so good you know what but he's from an older version of the internet

that was much fucking meaner and that's where like you know Brandon and all these fucking idiots are like oh I love BB

or whatever it's like no you're exploiting him and at least older fucking generation of internet people had the courage to be mean to these people yeah positive like yeah and pretend like you care about fucking bb brandon you're laughing at a retarded man fucking own it yeah oh bb so nice. Oh, no, Bebe. Shut up.

No, don't support Trump, Bebe. Bebe, no. Bebe must be thrilled. Isn't Bebe a Trump supporter? Yeah, huge. Sure. Oh, fuck, dude. Well, we got to find something to close on. I don't feel like recapping Sonichu for people who already know about Chris Chan.

It's really worth it. Jeez, what else? I've had nothing, man. I've been dealing with this legal bullshit all week yeah and I won by the way I can't go into details

folks but uh chalk one up for the little guy yeah just looking good Adam have you fucked recently uh

actually I haven't fucked really a little bit yeah how it's a little bit uh it's uh it's your dick

shut the fuck up nick take that back no dude take that shit the fuck back no take your dick back to the tiny dick store dude i lost the receipt so i can't even i can only get store credit no but if they look up your if you paid for it with your debit card they could look it up up. I didn't. It was a cash transaction. You paid cash for your tiny dick? For my little dick? Yeah. You got ripped off. That's so stupid.

Fuck, man. Now, I tell you, these tiny dicks, a lot of people say that the girls don't like them, but they're wrong. I tell you, they're absolutely wrong. The girls go crazy for these tiny dicks. It's true. The only thing they want is to have their clit played with. And that's the whole secret of the penis game.

Now, I'm telling you because you don't look like a sucker to me. You look like a straight shooter, and I respect you. And so what do you say? Right now, right here, let's do it together. Let's make a cash deal for this tiny little dick. I don't know, mister. Just do it. I'm telling you, I'm looking at you now, and I can see that you want it.

For this amount of money, can I get a bigger dick? I'm not sold. I'm interested, but I'm not sold. I think you're going to have to sell me a little harder. Look, maybe you want to put in the ass in the future. What we're doing is future-proofing here. Maybe big dicks are in now, but I'm telling you, in five and a half years, everybody's going to want to narrow to an ass.

I don't know about two and a half. Look what happened to the sedan market. Everyone was saying big cars, we're going to drive a big car. Oh, we want a big car. And then the Japanese came in with their tiny dicks and everyone wanted a tiny one. That is true. I'm telling you, listen to me very close

here. You have to sign on the line. Listen, I got to talk to my wife before I make any... Don't do that. Don't talk to her, that fucking bitch. That bitch, she's a cunt. She just doesn't want me to make financial decisions. You can't listen to her for anything.

Without her permission. For any one of these women. They're driving a working man mad. What kind of dick do you have, sir? Don't worry about what kind of dick do you have, sir? I don't worry about what kind of dick I have. I have whatever dick I need to have.

This is about you. This is about a deal I'm giving you here, Shelly. I'm telling you. Well, it's just, she, we have a joint checking account and she's going to see the charge

and I just, I just want to get her permission before i before i think we've done enough i don't think that's really adding anything to the bed thanks for trying adam uh what about um the insurance policy just get more and more mundane yeah into the dick is there a warranty that's really the only impression I can do is him. Oh, that's not true, Nick. You're a good actor. We got... Thanks.

Do you guys know, listeners, that Nick, in secret, is a good actor? He's going to be in a new movie. I'm actually method acting as a guy that's not actually racist. For the podcast? For the podcast. Oh, I see. That's cool. Yeah.

That's a fun act. No, that whole method acting thing. It sounds like bullshit to me. It is bullshit. No, like Val Kilmer's... You know who the greatest actor of all time is? Who? Jennifer Aniston.

Yeah. I'm serious. Jennifer Aniston? Jennifer Aniston. True. I'm serious. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston. True. She says, she goes, you just remember the lines. You just say the words. That's it.

That's it. That's all it is. That's really all it fucking is. No, no, no. There's some people that are charismatic, and then they're just like that in their, you know, everyday lives, but yeah, no, acting is... Well, no, you gotta get a haircut, and then... You gotta get a haircut. then You gotta get a haircut

You get a haircut And then you Oh the rage They put on cool clothes And then you say the words You could see There was an era of friends Where you could see

So much nip And it was tight Yeah What? Everyone was showing nip Everyone was showing nip I was like a bra free Like bra free era

Kind of 90s Hell yeah dude We're feminists You know what was crazy On that show? It's like, so Joey and Chandler have an apartment together, and then they watch Baywatch because it was network television. Yeah, so the implication there was that that was like TV code for Joey and Chandler would

sit around watching porn beating off together. Well, no, there was an episode where they watched porn. What? beating off together. Well, no, there was an episode where they watched porn. What? So I think, yeah, there's an episode where you get porn for free or whatever. So the actual implication is that they literally were watching Baywatch and beating off together,

I think. Well, maybe they thought it was a good show. Which is even stranger, I think. Which is like watching Baywatch with your boys and beating off. That had to have been like one of the EPs was also collecting royalties on Baywatch and they're like, it has to be in the show. You have to force people to watch Baywatch. I think it was like a 90s culture. Another thing people don't realize is that theme song was just written for the show.

Yeah, it was. A lot of people think that that's a song that was just on the radio and then they used it for the show. Guys, I have an idea. What about, we don't have a theme song right now. We get the radio and then they used it for the show guys really i have an idea yeah what about we don't have a theme song right now we get the rembrandts to do it we get the rembrandts or we just use the friends theme song that's what i'm saying yeah you want to use the friends theme song now jobs joke you broke your love life's got hiv there you go yeah they're not really broke i've never had pretty good jobs.

They lived in the West Village. Yeah. Yeah. But he never got... She called him Joe. I mean, this is well... Joe, he's like a successful actor. Yeah, I don't want to go into the bit about how Friends is unrealistic because they have

a nice apartment. Please don't do that. I'm just saying that the theme song is a lot of lies. Yeah, the theme song is a lie. I wish people fucked as much as people fucking sitcoms also where's that that fountains in central park right uh yeah that's the angels in america fountain did that in that fountain you would be arrested yeah you would be arrested unrealistic there weren't that many people around man yeah you're telling me

there wasn't anybody around you just take your time here's my question dance move the hulk gets mad how does he how does the shorts stay on that's what i want to know who made superman's costume oh shit where'd he get that so true where does that come from he he probably could made it himself right how is he also just like a journalist he's just also a successful journalist and that never comes up well he went to school

well he's smart he grew up in Kansas he went to college but you never hear anything about his journalism career in the comics that I've never read

or really paid attention to there's probably an actual explanation for that you're running by Mike Lawrence he's like actually there's a

there's a whole side story. Yeah, he probably read the comics about him in journalism school. It's a 700 comic series that's just Superman's articles about municipal legislation in fucking Gotham City or whatever. Yeah. He just went and exposed...

He's sitting there turning the page. It's just a drawing of a newspaper that's like, the city council met today to discuss the new bus terminal at Maribeth Avenue. This is good stuff! It's him trying to get fucking student loans. Student loan paperwork's in order. All right, well, none of this is funny, but, you know, we did an extra long episode. How long was it?

This is our 10 minutes. Woo! 10 free minutes. Hold on, hold on hold on let's plug the show we got a show on monday uh uh this monday uh come on everybody uh i forgot to ask sam but liza trager's on it liza temple temple saying her name is liza trigger she's an actual friend of mine and i know how her name is and it's not Traeger It's Trigger It's Traeger Lisa

Lisa Traeger Well Lisa's on it And she's funny Lisa's on it And she's hilarious And Jordan Temple's on it He's very funny too And then Sam

Oh yeah I saw him I forgot to ask him But yeah yeah Um Anyway yeah Come to the show It's gonna be good

That's it Alright you finished? Yeah we're done Yes bitch we're fucking done Turn this off now Yeah turn it off Just turn the fuck off Just shut the fuck up Shut up bitch

No you know Why keep this Turn the fucking thing off I'll turn it off When I'm ready to turn it off I'm hungry Turn it off I wanna go

Turn it off I wanna go to Katz's Lock her up Where that lady Had a fake orgasm I've been to Katz's It's not very good I wanna sit in the fake orgasm

Charity to sandwich We already talked about I want to go fucking Bake pies We already talked about Oh yeah yeah We're going to do that The Katz's deli thing

About the fake orgasm I don't know sorry Remember that We probably did yeah Did we We definitely did Cause I got a bit about that You do have a bit

You know what a podcast is for It's for all the shit That you know wouldn't work At open mic Yeah that's what we're doing With each other Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. I'll tell you, I got a TV.

Shut up. Just press the fucking button. Let's go make pies. Fucking. Do it, bitch. All right. Just end the. No, hold on.

Here's what I'm going to do. I can turn your mic off. Now I get the final. Mix game. No, now I get the final word. Mix game. My mic turned off too. Yeah, I turned both of your mics off.

So that's been the episode, guys. Thanks for listening. It's not going to pick up.