The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 285 – freeze me off

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

cam ahn

We could come by tomorrow night if you guys were jiggy Yeah, fuck tomorrow night would be great. Yeah, okay. Good dinner or something. Where are you going? New Hampshire. Yeah, New London, New Hampshire. We got to pick up a guy's stuff When are you coming back tomorrow night? Oh tomorrow, so we come through tomorrow night. Yeah, fuck you I mean we we could get a hotel room on the company dime, but you can also crash it at the place Yeah, we have a spare room with two twins. Oh, that's sick. Yeah, we'd love to Yeah, we booked a place that has four Bedrooms so pals can come visit Ian's are your ladies coming up my eyes coming this weekend. I think

Whose car you guys taking Separate cars shit. Yeah, are you gonna drive your car Nick? Yeah, you started this. Oh, I'm eating chips That's awesome. Oh god. What nothing what you have said about no nothing Oh, what'd you say? Why are you upset? No, what are you upset about me? I didn't say anything. What's going on? Yeah, you're worried about your carbon footprint. Yeah, they know they know we're all driving separate cars The come down carbon footprint Adam climate change Jet set hypocritical millionaire wait, do you want to take your car? Do you want to I'm gonna drive both of my cars up there? I'm gonna drive the one car 15 feet. Leave it running

Do you stop trying it now you're trying to like docks my cars You should rent just a box truck Andy's on the show Andy Haynes everyone. Yeah, yeah, the God The God No Very I want to be T bone So yeah, if we're doxing people's cars Nick's is Nick's driving his car the Oscar Maher We remember and now Adam is driving the gay sex mobile wait What you worry? We live 10 minutes away from each other. We should drive together. I actually I'm driving a

stretch H2 Hummer he's got a patio on the back. That's awesome. I actually stole it from the back But there's a bunch of bells and shit decal on the back and says just busted. Yes But also it's dedicated to my friend yeah, Nico Rivera killed at a Yankees game By the actual Hummer By his own dude, I was I was driving around the other day. That's a beautiful tribute by the way. Yeah listening to WFAN the fan Like local sports talk radio And they were like having you know what the you know what the reads are for this episode

Remember I said set the papers aside and you said I got it. I remember I'll remember what the fuck do you remember? Hold on Andy. Let's see if you remember Don't fucking don't we're not gonna give you a hint. You're not getting him. You have to guess on Mike Blue tune cushy dreams Good job really right good job. Yeah, that's okay. Um, I'm proud. Hey Nick's man. I'm proud of you Yeah, but they we're having like I'm gonna get you if I read your guys's ad rev ad reads this month Can I have revenue? No? You can have a cushy dreams pre-roll though. Well, I don't get paid the guest rate for the show which is

It's $12.75. Yeah, we pay $15 an hour Now they were job creators. Yeah, I'm still making minimum wage six years. Yeah, you guys should get SBA loans for this We really should we really miss the boat then 2020 the free government money that that was It's really we should have everybody everybody got that shit. I don't realize I don't realize how I got it Yeah, my dad fucking dummy got they gave him a hundred K and he was like, I don't feel right and he gave it back Oh my god, what a read. It's all forgivable. The Lakers did that, too Yeah, well our friend Dylan did the show He got one of those loans and then immediately put it in the crypto crypto in the stock market made a shit ton of money

I bought a house and bought a house. What the fuck? I'm so bad with money. Yeah, and then he just killed himself last week So really? Well, he died. He was finished. He did everything. That's sick. That's a goal I hope he was jerking him. Yeah, he lost. He was like, I'm gonna make a hundred million dollars He did and then he lost 15 pounds and killed himself. That's awesome. Yeah. All right. The hero's journey He had a wife. He had a wife. Well, it doesn't count. Did he have a kid? Well, he killed them A crippled cross faced them to death. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I was listening to WFAN and these guys these fucking jimokes for like 20 minutes Their conversation was whether or not they think it's safe to wear a Yankee hat in Boston And they're like, you have to be out of you got their mind

To walk around the Boston to go to Fenway wearing a Yankee hat. That's what like boomers talk about like brooklyn They think it's like any city. Yeah, they're like you get if you get downtown Brooklyn You step out off the bus gun in your face rob the media My dad when I moved to New York was like you better be careful. It's like we live in Baltimore. Yeah You brought me to the most dangerous city in America. Yeah, when I've been doing the road, that's so funny Because old people do that. Yeah. Yeah when I was doing the road this year Every time I'd go to like some kind of vaguely conservative place somebody would be like so New York's a war zone and then it's like cut to me like having like

yogurt parfaits in a park That's like that's like a Tucker thing. I think yeah, they're all talking about how the cities are are violent now Yeah, the Whole Foods on 14th is uh an absolute war zone. I've seen some crazy shit of that Whole Foods though. Yeah Yeah, the upstairs was like a kind of like a Penn station vibe. Yeah, I see a lot of a lot of junkies nodded off I saw I saw a junkie Bought one of those palm pomegranate things or I don't know if he bought it That goes it pairs well with fentanyl. You're talking about the one in union square. Yeah. Yeah I've only been there to use the bathroom. Yeah. Well the upstairs like food hall section

He was like waddling around like almost falling And he starts opening his palm and he just dropped and that shit stained so bad. He just dropped it all over a woman He was holding a piece of shit. No, he was holding a pomegranate juice. Oh Home I thought he was holding feces dude. I just went to salt lake. There were so many junkies in salt lake city Yeah, that's lc punks doing the like the fucking, you know, they had like little tent city T-shirt. They had little tent cities under the uh over pat like freeways. Yeah RII is booming. It really was dude. There were little tents there. Those motherfuckers had uh bikes That'll be a cool like a bunch of bikes

Just riding around homeless as well like I say like it's like a novel they they actually had bicycles But it was like all these old people they had like parking for their bikes I went I walked from the hotel to target It was like a 30 minute walk on those big ass fucking also the streets are too big in utah. Yeah, they're gigantic It's like Denver all those like it's a craze and you look at the grid and you're like, oh, it's a block away And the block is like, you know what the grid is based on it's all off of the temple in the middle of the city Yeah, so every street is numbered according to where it is in relation to the temple Did you go to the temple and charge up? I did that's it. I got yeah

I put the underwear on but I cut a dick hole in Yeah, so just get some fucking Mormon pussy. I'm gonna move to Salt Lake City. It sucks, dude I'm gonna fuck it bad. I'm gonna open up like a liberal version of the death metal coffee or whatever What's the the black rifle car? Yeah, I'm gonna open liberal black rifle coffee. Yeah, they're from utah Black penis coffee. Yeah, exactly. It's just it's just awesome. Sexy black guys. Everyone that works here is a veteran fag We've all got blasted in their ass by a black man. We've all survived being fucked Officiously. There's a guy in a wheelchair, his barber body's all buff He's like I blew my back out and fucking well not a rack, but

It's shy rack What's that gay bar in LA? All of them. No, the one that shows that Adam kgb come on everybody. Yeah, it's like run on sunset. Why the fuck can I think of it right now? It's like the most famous gay bar in LA. Anyways, it doesn't largo No, it starts like I said it because it sounds like Iraq almost Oh Baghdad

Nah, it's over. I fucked it up. You fucking idiot. Get off the show. Andy, you're a fucking piece of shit, dude Yeah, anyways, where were we homo coffee? Yeah, we're getting a homo coffee. You got to have you got to have it That's what you call a swish When I enlisted in being gay It was it it was the proudest I'd ever been Didn't one of the seal team sixes that killed bin Laden half of them are fucking half of them are trans Yeah, I remember like, yeah, they're all like we're all I'm trans. I killed bin Laden. No, I'm a fucking lady. Yeah Dude, I wish Chappelle would have covered that. Yeah, we need his take on he needs to go after seal team six

He watched the special I watched like the first half I didn't get to the part where he like said all the stuff that everybody's upset about I didn't watch it But wasn't the point he was making that like that's what's funny about black people are also minorities and that they Like minorities should all realize none of us watch it. Who knows nobody gives a shit But that's what's funny about comedy special a lot of controversial like this because it probably was five minutes of the thing And then the rest of it's like what the hell happened of hot pockets No, he did have some funny jokes in there. I'm sure he did. He's Dave Chappelle. Yeah, he's Dave Chappelle

I actually I thought of the same premise as the premise the fuck trans people Yeah, I was like, yeah, I thought of that I thought of that a while ago and he had in his notebook. He's like, yeah, you're telling me you chop your cock up and into a pussy And that's normal. Yeah I'm supposed to let my kids See you why don't you put it? Why don't you put a diaper on and piss in your pants you fucking freak? The fuck do you need to use a bathroom for? I'm sure that'll make you come kill two birds or one stone. You were killing doing that a funny mom

Yeah, I was like you're gonna bring your frankenstein pussy. It's alive better not be around me pal I'll fucking I'll tie you to offense No, I actually I I got in this conversation with somebody and it's very offensive. So obviously your fans will love it Yeah, was that no one listens to show anymore? Yeah trans people Well, this is chappelle's thing that was really controversial was that trans women are like doing a caricature of a woman And so it's like the equivalent of blackface for women Oh, really and I I don't I don't know like it. It's obviously very offensive

I know that like people are pissed about it, but I also don't know why people can be like I'm a woman and then they just are like a Like a care like what they think a woman is Yeah, yeah, does they all get cool names? They all get to be esmeralda That's because actual women or cis women don't know what the fuck they're doing either. They're bad at everything They're women. Yeah, I think in some way a man being bad at being woman is more woman like Exactly if they killed it, you know, I mean trans women are the the actual the purest form I told them that sir

I knew a guy that transitioned but it was like clear it seemed like he only transitioned because he heard that that was a thing That was going on. Yeah Oh, I guess I did and he did who's doing it. My friend told me our second hand He's doing like he's doing like girls night where there'd be one night out of the week He would be a girl and he'd invite people over but these are people that have known him for 15 years He'd be like can somebody help me with the TV So it's your TV. We just said yeah pretend to be like fucking helpless Or whatever and this is a guy with like facial tattoos. I don't know how to log on to my ftp to buy guns

Yeah, basically We're like, this is offensive I want to mean a trans woman that just transitions to a woman, but then is the biggest butch dyke in the world That would be cool. He's like, what's up? I work on bikes. Yeah, you really don't see that You're more manly than you were when you were a man Navy seal guys are close to that But then they're just they all look like, uh, you know, they'll to get like they dress like hillary clinton They'll have like pearls and stuff. That'd be sick if one of the navy seal guys was trans while he killed

Osama Michelle's deep cover He honeypotted. Yeah, that would be fucking awesome. Um poor Osama, dude. He thought he won. He was in his little mansion He was jacking off the porn. That was the best details that he jacked off. I'm like a del octopus Yeah, I love that chris pratt killed him in that movie. Yeah I love operators. Yeah I think we have you guys ever had an operator on there? Smooth. We actually haven't that's a trans operator One of the some special forces got emailed me. It was like yeah, my brother's is like delta force and

You want to know if you can give him a shout out on the show and then I just sort of close the email Tell him you don't care unless he's trans. Yeah. Yeah, sorry We don't but a trans operator. It's a pretty good cover. I think you should commit to that cover trans operator I don't remember how the rest of Is that shot a yeah, I put it on I was listening to a shot in the car And I saw a black guy wearing

Uh, wearing like it was a gay black guy. Nice. So, you know the cutting edge of fashion Of course, if he was British his jeans his jeans were ripped, but entirely he had removed the knee section So it was the calf of the gene and then the legs They were just just held on by because how tight they were that's where he's wearing like We put the top on and then put the sleeves that fucking there's a brand that makes those pants shut up. Oh, you know about it Hood by air. Oh, I know. I already know it by air makes those pants. Who does hood by air You know, if I had a gun right now, I'd shoot you right in the fuck Well, I'm glad that we're in new york city and that's incredibly illegal here

Well, my 3d printer shows up If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot a bird If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot a female director of photography Wow, too soon, Adam. Sorry. Damn. I wonder how drunk Alec Baldwin is right now. Oh, yeah So drunk. Yeah, there's a picture of him with her Her husband and child it turns out the person on the set responsible for making sure the guns didn't have real bullets in them is Trans also a woman also So you look at the whole story and it's like can somebody explain to me what actually

went wrong here They had a table full of guns. Oh, yeah Why I'm supposed to be upset about this because it sounds like we're right back to where we started here that women don't really You know, they're bad at everything. She was like this gun's empty. Oh, wait a second I don't feel like I have the space to speak up If only Alec Bolton hadn't talked over her in a meeting then yeah That other lady would be alive right now. Yeah, she was holding so women being a dumb bitch He led to the murder of an innocent person. Yeah, what else? No, it's pretty tragic. I didn't listen to it

But apparently it was like some 22 year old girl was like the armor. Yeah, she was her first job. No the the ad did Oh, okay The ad got fired because there was another thing where yet like a gun hurt her I don't know if it was live ammunition though or like the gun going off like spooked somebody and they fell over Is that normal to have live ammunition on it can't be it can't be I think I saw some shit where it was like they also had to get It like a like the crew wasn't union or some shit. So there's like there's a ton of shit that people walked off They were like cutting hella corners. Yeah, yeah

So, I mean, yeah, the shit is fucking yeah, I don't I that's I haven't looked into it But I don't understand how live ammunition even ends up on the set. It wasn't I thought it was a fucking blank No, you can't well a blank is like a blank you would have to I think it would have to hit you like this close Yeah, all the blank is I think the bullets got gunpowder in the in the cartridge and then the bullet part on the top It's like that's propelled by the gunpowder And a blank i'm pretty sure it's just like it's paper or something that holds the gun, but it could fuck you up at like Yeah, but just because it's like a force of the air or whatever, but you know, it's not

I don't think he like held the gun to her head and shot her with a blank I hope that's what the accident happened. He had the gun at her head everybody was like alec put it down Oh, look at me. I'm Donald Trump That's the best part of the whole thing is that he was doing a bit it was like between takes yeah He's like you want to do another fucking take? Yeah He's just really he's like look. It's my fucking dick. Wait. Seriously. It was a joke. Yeah, he was doing a bit Do you think hilarious is speaking in her Spanish accent or Her american accent to console him r.i.p. to the girl who died

You so crazy. Well, she's just a white bitch from long island or some shit. Yeah, but she's like got spanish ancestors So all of a sudden she was like me. I'm a ilaria. That's so fucking awesome Wait, can we back up a second? No, I think that the chapelle bit could If seen in a different way potentially just be a pro blackface bit, right? So he's saying if we're gonna allow this we should allow blackface also Well, I think that there was a wasn't there like a legitimate argument around when trans was like a huge thing when Dole's Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, and then they did dole's all said or somebody said they were trans racial And there was people that were legitimately going like, oh, okay. Well if we're gonna let them do that

We should yeah, literally the only reason that's not valid is because it didn't like originate on some dumb ass college campus Yeah, if rachel dole's all was 20 years old and like fucking fat They're going to overland. She had a then then we would have a we would have to have a serious Well, don't you think these people if they could have they would have done all those women you're describing would try and be a different race No, because the window for that was the early night But isn't race isn't race just as much of a social construct as gender? That's what they're saying and that's it's our job as comedians to answer these questions It's our job to walk um walk comics or walk america back from the ledge

That's what chapelle said at the yeah, well, that's why that's why jumper jumper plays Throughout the special What's that? That's why jumper by third eye blind plays Oh wait, no, that's the difference I'll be there for you It'd be great if if the transphobic special had come from david schwimmer for some If he released if he was have nowhere to be seen that he released a netflix special that's like, you're not a girl You still have a dick

And then people are like david Yeah, go back to wherever you were Dude when I was uh like I don't know this is like probably like eight years ago. Actually you guys were probably still in dc I opened for dav foley at draft house and it was like him. I think I was literally there. Yeah He was doing stand-up. I remember I did the open mic that night. I got a call from singapore It's okay. Cool. It's probably the sultan We're hearing about dav foley pick it up from our dear friend

Hello, you're taking chinese phone calls. Hello Nihao answer coward Hey, my name is chris from us auto care. How are you doing today? No, you're not. You're from singapore All right, that's enough of that coward Um, no, okay, so but dav foley is like doing this like uh, he has to do comedy because he Is alimony so fucked up or whatever hold that thought adam hit him with the Tell him which one first Yeah, damn it

Well, I'll just say he he had a closer that was just like Oh, yeah, he had to keep working because he had a terrible divorce settlement, right? His divorce settlement was when he was on news radio. Oh, no, and then the show got cancelled. No, dude That bitch finessed him But he his closer when he was doing stand-up because he'd never done stand-up was just like he said the n word What? 40 times in fully. Yeah in four minutes. He said I was not there that night. Like it's awesome. 40 times

He was like, why can't I say it if you can't say it was like what? It was so He did that post kramer too Yeah, yeah, it was like I think he watched like a louis special It's funny because it's like all these old dinosaur comedians that like have no problem shitting all over anybody that gets in trouble now Like we're all that they all had that mentality, right? Yeah, right, you know like patent or whatever certainly like sarah silverman. They were all just that person until 18 months ago. Yeah, yeah And then yeah, and then if you make a big like public apology and fucking, you know

Self-flagellate as long as you're already in right and then then the process of cancellation becomes this like Calcifying or hardening thing that solidifies your position forever And then you become an authority in which you get to determine when people are actually contrite, right? Because that's what happened with megan amram. It's like they went for megan amram and it's like, you know She's already like made so it doesn't matter. I mean, so she got yeah She got in trouble for making fun of asians and then she apologized and then other rich white women accepted her apology And now she gets to decide like who you know who means it when they fucking say sorry if they apologized enough Yeah, I think we should all come together to accept that

Rich white women are the problem. Thank you Yeah, it's like right about fucking time. You ever do that at home with the wife. You just she's she's right But you just say like I want to say that but Megan deserves not to have like anything happened for that because she's good at her job Yeah, that's the only thing that fucking matters. Unlike my wife Did your wife get cancelled? No, no, my wife can't get cancelled. Her grandfather's in the Her grandfather would just have the NSA just A gas leak would happen to the chancellor

That's awesome. Yeah, that's sick, dude. I'm fucking I married into the I married into some real badass shit How much? Yeah, I went skeet shooting with my father-in-law. It was fucking badass Rose, but actually I just imagine the mole is like the dad from fargo Yeah, a little bit. I'd say it's like halfway. It's like fargo Family and then kind of a mix with succession. There's some real Oh, definitely like there's one sister that the dad doesn't get along with Adam was dumped by one of the Yeah, the stars one of the stars which one the kind of thick one cheated on and dumped him. Uh, no cousin greg

Cousin greg used to fuck adam's ass. We had a whirlwind He probably hasn't wait. I think I know who it is. Who is it? Is it princess summerfall? Yes, yeah, dude. She's a babe Anyway, we want to tell you about blue shoe. This episode is sponsored by blue shoe. Say it with us. Yeah, blue shoe Blue shoe is making waves and bringing more confidence to the bedroom by offering chewable tablets that can help get men stronger and longer Lasting erections. If you want to impress the former secretary of defense with your hard-ass penis You're going to want blue shoe.com blue shoe is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as viagra and

Cialis, but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost Blue shoes tablets help men achieve harder stronger erections that combat all forms of ed Which is short for erectile dysfunction. Also, you'll come like a dunkaroos dipper container. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a big shooter I like to live a little square or low. You're not as big Ice cube that comes out. That's awesome. Hit him with the super mario, bitch I think when you guys were a block for your ass, pink, pink, pink, pink Uh, when you guys were in the bow dig, I took a pee and I think I do legitimately think my penis got smaller I'm having a small day for just today. Just today. Well, it's a winner. Are you fucking dumb ass?

I don't know. It looks small. It's cold. You look bad. You want me to bow? I got the high holidays are over. The high holidays last year. So I got like ripped. I got like super lean last year. I remember discussed and I was also taking Cold Cranked it. I was taking cold showers all the time and when it hit winter and it was ice cold Take a 10 minute cold shower and it just fucking evaporates your dick Like looking like a statue you guys jerk off. Do your balls ever like go up into your groin? No, that used to happen. I don't think that's supposed to happen. I've never known all my systems. They stop working When I bust my balls, you know, you're not supposed to be able to pee with your dick hard No, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got a vast difference. Yeah, but you got to like learn you'd learn how to do that now

It's I could piss hard. I can I come when I shit Sometimes it's like I'm about to bust and I piss all over the place. It's like all the different the systems they don't Blue shoe is an online prescription service. So no visits to the doctor's office. That's awesome. No awkward conversations And no waiting in line at the pharmacy and it ships right to your door in a discreet package The process is simple sign up at bluetooth.com console with one of their licensed medical providers And once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part. It's all done online Blue shoes licensed medical providers work with you to find the right ingredient and strength for your prescription Don't like swallowing pills. No problem. No problem at all. Fuck you fucking pussy

I That's why you can't fuck it's because you're too much of a coward to swallow a pill Yeah, if you can't swallow a pill, how are you gonna get pussy, dude? I take 15 pills every morning I have a no water. I have like a one of those monday tuesday wednesday boxes that you give your grandma, but it's only blue cheese Blue shoes sildenafil and todalafil Tablets are chewable tablets are made in the u.s. And they prepare to ship direct so it's cheaper than a pharmacy So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform sex

Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information Here's a special deal for our listeners You try bluetooth free when you use our promo code come town and check out and you just pay $5 shipping That's bluetooth.com promo code come town to receive your first month free. Wow And we thank bluetooth. Thank you so Sponsoring much this podcast. We're we thank you and that Dude, can I get some of those bluetooth so I can fuck my wife I have a bunch and I guess do you need do you need help getting your dick hard, Andrew?

No, man. You see you're a lean guy. You're a good shade. I just think about injustice Yeah, your dick gets hard. My dick gets hard thinking about fighting injustice Oh, wait, Andy, dude, what? As soon as my dick starts to get hard, I think her name was Sandra Bland It goes back then That's like that's I don't come fast I think about victims of police brutality Freddie Gray, I have all the names written on them inside of my thoughts

Yeah, you're saying them out loud Yeah I'd be great to just paint a giant mural of a man's legs gynecologist style wide open and the names of all the victims and the dick is soft And you put that just like in a city wall somewhere And then people are like what the fuck is this? He thinks that he can't get his dick hard because of the names You can't see it, but a hot woman is off off mural Because you a lot of murals are really taking chances that one on in like bushwick of like the street harassment bushwick has like tourist

Mural tours. Yeah, which is so fucking gay That's where I have to pick up trucks and there's always like a group of like italians being like Really And there's also there's also a ton of guys shooting music videos in front of those Yeah, but when we were looking for like a studio to do this show and I looked at a place in bushwick That was basically like a puppy mill for rap videos Yeah, there's just on every other room in there was a guy like millions of dollars You know just whatever garbage smoking. Yeah badly. I got stacks stacks on stacks

Oh, have you guys noticed this that people are just selling weed on this like My bodega is selling weed right now like when you walk through washington square park. There's just tables of weed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy Pretty cool. It's like, yeah, I don't I don't I'll never know what the law is I'm gonna get back into being a weed comic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be Doug Benson 2.0 I heard Doug Benson tried weed when he was 58 years old. Yeah, Doug. Doug Benson is 73 or something like that He's only been smoking weed for about six years That's now now it's really made a career. What a fucking lose. He's also only seen about 30 movies. Yeah Yeah, all he's all he's seen is yeah, all he's seen is Scott Pilgrim. Yeah, he's got a earpiece in

When he does those games Yeah, he's fake. He's a fake. I've toured with him. I know he's a fake He's not even a man. You want to tell us about your um, your your surgery your oh, yeah You guys want to know about hair transplant? Yeah, maybe stop. Did you get the one where they cut the back of your head? They don't do that anymore That's like the old style where they just cut a strip out and then they like take it. It doesn't make sense that they would Even do that anymore Uh, I got I was gonna go to turkey because it's like two k to get top of the line there

Yeah, they actually have robots that do it. Wow, but um, my wife was like my grandpa can't get you out of turkey right now Uh, so it would be funny to get kidnapped by Isis trying to get hairplugs I was the whole time I was laughing thinking like while they were like Inestimating me. I was thinking about how funny it would be to die from complications of hair There's just a video of a guy with a fucking machete to your neck and you're like, you know I'd pledge allegiance with america as a devil country. Yeah hiding your hair Yeah, you're just wearing a beanie

Like you cut my head off. I just don't want on the video the lighting is kind of hard shot here in the fucking desert You know, give me a hand or something. Bald hostage is the worst hostage We can admit that no we can't because there's nowhere to hold the head. Yeah, exactly That's true after you chop it off. That's true. Yeah, I'm like when you guys chop my head off and you pick it up by the hair Could you please put the fibers in so Have you had a consultation? I don't need to have beautiful hair. But like would you ever consider it? I don't know what you're talking about. Stop can't go to turkey though. It's a blood feud. Oh the anatolian If they see my latin they name they'll see my name. They'll fuck my plugs up. Yeah

They'll fuck my hair. I would love to be the doctor that sabotages your hair transplant Just start start his hairline that like an inch over his eyebrows That would look great like mid-forte Just make it look like an absolute retort I was like people go to turkey for the hair and then they go to like columbia for like just massive teeth People come back. Yeah, they get like they get fucking. I'm doing that. I'm getting the garabusi, dude The e-gene carol down there in columbia. Yeah, they have these dentists where like they do like a full package Think about the sexual fantasies. Yeah, you come back. You come back. You have these giant chompers

They never look good. I there a bunch of these like columbian Uh these surgical dentists whatever have instagrams and uh And you can like see their work. What's that your cat? Oh, I think it's him. It stops hand I was bored by your story. Yeah, I'm sorry you derailed But you're having a fun riff about isis prisoners and you're like, oh, I know this thing about columbia Yeah, they get teeth surgery So how's the how the plugs feeling brother I just uh, it was chill. I mean, it's weird because uh, you it's looking nice, dude

It's it's starting to work. Uh, they take like one by one. So basically Truth be told, I mean, I've forgotten that he had told me that you got by I did I Yeah, it's starting to grow in but I also don't remember you being bald. No, it was like a more there was one pick On ig like right after you got married. Yeah, where I was like andy's he got hitched now Now he said fuck now he's coming out. Yeah, he said fuck it. I'm bald I like shaved my head during this morning. This horror is stuck with me And there was like a circle here like that wasn't connected to the rest wasn't even full

It was like a rorschach kind of style that's tough And that's when I made the decision and I was actually on my way to turkey and rosebud was like we're going to American we found a place in near atlantic city kate may Hell yeah, dude the turkey. Was it literally because you were afraid you were gonna get kidnapped by ices? No, I I would I would literally go to rockaw right now to get it if it was a deal I don't have that kind of money And so I was like I was ready to go anywhere and then my wife was like What like her sister knew a person in that person? But they're like they make it seem like they're doctors

There's they're all like cosmetic snake oil salespeople and they're cool that guy. I started to find gray hairs And I feel like my hair is all gonna go gray it wants gray is like Hampton pretty soon Like salt and pepper he had the best transformation I ever saw which I saw You know he moved to LA one of the Austin didn't see him for probably a year and a half And then I saw him again and he had gotten as fat as like a 1700s french political cartoon That was I think it was like for one year, but there were one year. He gained a hundred Yeah, it was an insane amount of that's fucking And he did and it was like it was funny because it was none of it was structural fat

Yeah, right because he gained it all fat. He literally looked like he was in a fat suit It was all but that's what I mean. He looked like a like a dandy A foppish dandy. It was all in his stomach. That's so funny and he would walk around, you know like the marquee Just with his like giant body. I remember because I went out to LA and I was one of the first guys I hung out with because you know One of my only friends there and Like we're I was you know, we were talking about getting dinner or something He's like, yeah, you want to like go to like Taco Bell or something and I remember laughing because it seemed absurd Like what do you mean? We're sober. Why would we go to the taco?

I think he was in a loveless relationship and instead of having sex he would go and eat like five hamburgers every night Oh, man. I think it was loveless. I think they were Sexless. Oh sexless. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So I think he was eating his his coming I think he was just one of those This is one of those guys that like his he just never learned how to eat and then he hit the 24 and he couldn't just eat like shit anymore Yeah, it fell apart and especially out in LA when you're trying to like that town sucks. There's nothing to do It sucks. I'm hard. There's nothing to do. You can't all you can do is eat and talk to other people We're trying to be famous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, damn When is there gonna be a mass shooting at an alt show? Yeah, I would love that Because they're really starting the alt people are starting to get angry. I feel yeah, like they realize comedy sucks and it's worthless And but they're also not good at it. So they can't use it as an escape from itself. Yeah No, I'd like I don't like all those guys. They're just getting jobs. They're too gay to do it Yeah, they'll all get they'll all be fine. Yeah, well everyone will be fine. That's how life works But I I'm with you with the shooting

I think it's gonna happen. It is. It's gonna be some guy who couldn't get on hot tub. Yeah That's what it's gonna be. It's gonna be some psychopath open my ear Yeah, who couldn't get on hot tub. Yeah, he's gonna fucking I forgot about hot But the whole time like somebody's gonna be trying to be stopping him like in a very like PC kind of way. Yeah. Yeah, sir. Please respect. Yeah Respect the boundaries. I'm setting a boundary now. Don't shoot me Is I got a gun to someone's head and they're like, please can you social distance a little bit? Yeah, put a mask on sir Where's your vaccine card?

I was gonna have a gun and they're gonna be asking him to put a mask on. There's a bullet in my liver But I want to deprioritize my pain as a white man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take up space Bipoc people to the front of the line That would be the greatest is somebody is dying and they're like go take care of poc I think I saw a black woman who who stubbed her toe running away from the gunfire Get her first into the EMT Oh man, and then they all hold the greatest visual ever. Are you are you living you're living in new york early? I live here. I have never gone back to LA other than like I went back for pilot season two years ago during quarantine

No, did you guys leave or you just left bad stuff? We we were out there because rosie was shooting a show And then quarantine hit we were just kind of stuck And it sucked. Oh quarantine LA seems so I mean I was walking down the street in echo park. This is like March april of 2020 and I was walking like a block away from a woman and she yelled Put a mask on insane a block a city block. She was like, could you please put a mask on Insane. Yeah, that's what was worse. It should have been better because there's all the nature But that's the they were also they were even gayer about it. The people that really makes me coughing Makes me hope that the vaccines just fucking really fuck people up

Dude, I took my third shot. Well, that's there has to that's what it has to be There has to be some kind of breaking point like it's like I feel like What I want is shots one through three. You're fine. Maybe you get a little bit fucked up from three You know, maybe it takes 10 years off your life. Yeah, but if you're one of these you need all five shots, mother fuckers Because that's coming. Yeah, if you're not jumping off the train at five shots or whatever something like that Yeah, then you deserve it. Like I hope the vaccines give you aids. I mean, we'll probably have to get a booster every year I hope they start to have Fentanyl. Yeah, that'd be nice

No, not every six months. That's what it's gonna have to be like. What do you mean? You heard it from where? If you have to get you have to get your Tyler Fisher's Fauci impression Yeah My man is going awful. My man found his he found his little lane and he was like, you know what now I believe this It's a good impression. It's a good impression. No, but he got like he is And he's like in a Gina Correa video It's really funny. Yeah, he's in a movie comedy really it just shows you comedians like just whatever I remember when he moves to New York, he had a blog and it was like

Like follow my journey to SNL. It was like it was like very like hopeful. Yeah. Yeah I'm an impressions guy and like I'm gonna work my ass off. He's a good impression. Yeah I mean, I fuck with that, dude, but it is funny that every post is like No, he fully got every single post. I love it. Yeah, but Now Fauci is he was having sex with dogs. Wasn't he? That's true. That's how he came up with the Yeah, he did he was fucking Clifford. Oh, that was a medical thing. That was an Italian thing. Yeah You can fuck a big red dog Because like his his clan actually has that on their crest. Yeah a man fucking a dog. That's awesome

Have you uh, have you been in the room with any war criminals Andy? No, no, but I actually like I I Was with my father-in-law and he's like I ran into George the other day in Gasparilla. Oh hilarious And I was like George W. Yeah, they just like we're at a hotel and then they just like walked into the I'm trying to tell honestly a night with oh, but hey, you know, my mother-in-law. It's hot George W. Bush. You'd be crazy if Yeah If George W. Bush, uh, what if George paint to paint she's the but he if George W. Bush

Smoked cushy dreams and Adam told us Oh, then then he's the kind of guy that's lost George W. Bush famously a sober guy when he found god when he was born again Stop doing sniz. Stop drinking. The W stands for where to where to where to weed? That's a cushy dreams.com. Yep, and um and specifically fake weed So he gets by entirely now on this product called cushy dreams Yeah, this is what George W. Bush. This is the shit that the president smoke. He was smoking on that cushy pack I got the shit the government got Yeah, um

CBD they they specialize in extraordinary bag dad Okay, that's a big weed Yeah Yeah, they specialize in extraordinary CBD rich hemp flower aka bud and pre-rolled joins Join the group of adults and presidents who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD Also some prime ministers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Shinzo Abe Shinzo on the Shinzo's on that fucking cushy Now that he's retired. Yeah. Yeah. He's just fucked up constantly. He gets fucked up off. He fucks around with a sword Yeah, he gets all high and fucks around with a sword. That's fucking she's like i'm retired, bitch

It's cutting his they keep on having to replace his paper walls It looks like high quality marijuana it feels like high quality marijuana and guess what it tastes like high quality marijuana That's so fucking CBD content is up to 20 percent Which is some of the highest in the game and the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful It's really they got a duel's weed now. They got a weeds brother Smoking your CBD is the most efficient way and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system. It doesn't get you high There's next to no THC Independent lab testing shows compliance and purity and it's grown in california and oregon each plant is hand selected by a team of

experienced cannabis flower experts It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things sounds pretty gay flower experts Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gay guys. That's how you know it's good That's yeah, they're yeah, they love flowers so much. They they've seen every rose and petunia and all that shit And then now they're looking at weed. He loves me. He loves me. Not It's a bit worse. This is slow cured for two to four weeks and every run is a small batch like salmon slow cured They got the the the antidote to down soon Here's the deal folks. They have two main product lines. They have smokable CBD flower which comes in a 3.5

Uh, can that's an eighth for you players Eighth for you player haters out there And pre-rule CBD joints and have you seen the the arkansas department of health like vaccine PSA? Uh, no They made this video to get people vaccinated and it's just this guy leaning on like a fucking like Caprice classic on like 24s and he's like, look, I'm out of here in the streets. I sell things I'm around people. He's like, I'm a true entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a true hustler. I'm out of here meeting people all day selling things Let me holler at you for a second partner. Yeah, it's like it's safe. It's effective

And you gotta do you there are three lines in order Of quality. It was awesome, dude. There are three lines of rock red in order of quality private Of reserve ultra premium and premium and then Beneath that there are six different specific strains Uh, that correspond with uh, monkey far different foods. No Relax. Oh, dude. Relax. Joe Rogan's penis Relax. Please create hustle energy and dream. So go to cushydreams.com spelled k ush wide dreams And at checkout use promo code come town for 20 off

Smoke your cbd because you can Mary on cote yard Yeah she she uh They grow it in her pussy They grow the cbd in it. She rips. She's so hot. Yeah. Have you ever seen that movie taxi? Like the really old french one. I don't think so So it's like from the 90s and it's about like a guy who's a taxi driver. They remade it with like

Robert De Niro, Jimmy Fallon, and oh and uh Yeah, but the french one rocks and you see a lot of mary on cote yard's boobs Well, I've definitely seen the screen caps then if that's the case because I have absolutely googled Mary and cote yard breath. It's sick though. It's so bad. It's so bad. Mary tarred code retard code Mary on cote tar. Mary on cote retard. Mount do code retard Yeah, I would love to drink mary on coochie tarred You gotta be that mountain dude code retard You say that in angelica

I want to see that new excuse me y'all got mountain dude code retard I I heard some french bit scholar tits out you shy still here watching his movies I'm trying to kick his ass I bet I could kick his ass. Where the fuck is that guy? I'm trying to kick his ass I respect him, but I want to see if I can beat that fucking boy's ass Yeah, I'm trying to get his I'm trying to get fuck him up and get him to give me the bitch from even steven's number I'm trying to fuck that bitch. Yeah I know he knew I know he's seen her pussy. Oh dude

I went to the Steelers game the other day. That's what everybody sounded like the pussy stealers the pussy stillers the pitchburg pussy stealers What's up Ben out there? How's he looking Ben Ben is puffy Ben is bubby. He's that boy big. Yeah Good for good. He's playing like shit. He's not getting his power But I'll tell you man stealer bathroom rape. The hype is real about a primanti brothers Have you ever had that? I haven't oh dude regional fucking raw. They are sort of the turkey to bultimore's grease Yeah, Pittsburgh. So I'm I have regional um Uh rivalry has stopped me from getting get a project rather go to the west virginia location. So you're a neutral terror guy It'll have you saying yinz in no time. Yeah, you'll know it won't that's a dumb. That's a dumb regional

affect yinz yinz and they try to export that yinz. Yeah, it's dumb and I should be canceled for that Yeah, cancel. I'm gonna start saying I'm gonna tell people that yinz means koreans Jared Logan had a really funny joke about it because he's from that part of the west virginia Mm-hmm, and it's it's they don't say yinz there. They say yinz Yinz and they're like goes. I'll give you an example of it in a sentence He goes yinz want to go sit in that puddle we sitting Wow Yeah, dude, that shit is fucking stupid. I mean in baltimore, they say use

Like use guys y'all really is perfect. Y'all works better than anyone No, but y'all got destroyed by SJW. Too many people claim they they grew up using y'all and also some of my friends are doing it Also where it's like we grew up together. You never said I never said y'all growing up But when I moved to texas, it's like It may it works better than you guys Yeah, y'all sent makes way more sense. Look whatever man you you deal with it you you can't yet You got a fucking deal with that yourself. How did SJW steal it by talking in AAV? Yeah, they're like y'all and and because they're like

I'll tell you exactly what happened indian women found out about con a west in their last year of college Oh, okay. Yeah, and then they they didn't you know, they started writing for the new republic Yeah, they started using y'all and at which point it was ruined. Yeah I just it is any time anyone starts talking different at 28. Yeah, it's just come on Y'all the white washing not even 28 even like single Yeah It is truly wild That's and I've made this point before but indian women don't realize that they're based there

There were white guys were in 1991, right? You're not like you're not being brought on the team. You're fucking like David Faustino. Yeah, you're scott con level. Yep. Yep. Yep. I'm with you bro. Mm-hmm They're late to the party. Yeah, they're late to the pretending to be black party. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but they're having a good time They're michael rapaport No, but he's an originals wouldn't he get michael rapaport is michael rapaport is like the he's an original gangster You know, I never met like a poor jewish person till I moved to the east coast like michael rapaport is jewish That's hilarious, which is just so funny. I know every every jewish person I grew up with was a doctor or an accountant Yeah, even the children. Yeah, the kids. Yeah, no east coast definitely has jew trash

We never like I I never met a single person. I remember the first time I met an israeli and I was like what is happening? They're scumbags. Yeah And like south shore long islands you trash. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, both that's gotta feel terrible to be jewish and poor Yeah, what's the point? It's almost as bad as being white and poor. Yeah, but no, it's way worse. No, it's so much worse It's like it's like it's not even close. There's so many more white people than jewish people You can imagine you're a jewish guy. You go to a place. You're like, I don't like my family We don't have any money for food and then people are like, oh, you don't have any money for food

Yeah, okay. Just go to the bank. Go to the bank Show them your car. It has your name on it It's named after you Yeah, being jewish and poor is like like being peep bootage. It's like being gay and swagless There's plenty of gay swagless people, dude. Not not it not enough Uh, it's like being a woman and not having a big pair of tits. Yeah Yeah, being a flat chested. You're useless. I remember there was this one girl There's one girl I knew that was so tragically flat chested

There was one time we're all hanging out in an apartment And she was trashed and she had like I don't know if she did it on purpose or what? But she was like wearing like a loose shirt and her like tiddy was her quote unquote tiddy was like completely out And literally no one was paying attention. Oh, that's brutal. I'm sorry for you man. If you're listening Yeah, I will say I like a small titty as well. I got but this was like Yeah, straight straight washboard. I I I did grow Unappreciate I dated a girl with some small titties But they had a shape still a shapely small shape a shape the small titty and also I find if they're small

They got all the sensation of a big-ass titty in one little titty. Well, they never you suck on a titty. Yeah, they'll go wild That's true, but they're never gonna lose a composure. No, they'll lose their composure. No, but you know what I mean like with Sometimes you're you're turned on by some big old floppers. Oh, you mean you don't lose your composure No, no, no, I mean like you are turned on by some big old floppers. I'm listening. I'm sorry And then the bra comes off and they can like tuck them into their pockets. Absolutely. Oh, I see what you mean Oh, man. Oh, you know, I like that because it makes a woman look sort of humble like oh Shucks, I was wondering if we could maybe

It's like they're looking at the ground with their boobs. Yeah, I don't know Maybe we could fuck or something. Oh, yeah, no, she's like kicking the ground. Yes. Oh, just oh, yeah Throw yeah kicks dirt onto her nipple because it's on the ground She kicks her nipple No, oh, I should I forgot to mention by the way, if you have titties of any size You should come see me do stand-up comedy this weekend or actually this I guess New Orleans is this weekend And when this comes out the day this comes out, I meant to fucking New York comedy festival and I believe by the time this comes out

I'll have announced that I am filming my first special in Los Angeles at the lodge room on December 6th. There you go. Monday come out buy some tickets. We'd love to fucking sell that thing out Oh, and I will be in Atlanta on the 19th, which will be announced by the time this comes out Nice. I'll be in Tampa, dude. Can I plug some shit? Of course. Yeah, I'm not doing shit However again, that's great I would love to be in that position. A lot of people said I was dumb for buying a bunch of crypto three years ago No, I don't have to fucking work ever again. That's great. Well, then we should stop the pie. This is the last episode This is the last year. All right. I'm really happy. It's been great. These last I still need to do my plug

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's let Andy. Let's have the show before Andy plugs I'll be at the Philly punchline November 6th and 7th. Hell. Yeah. Is this coming out before that? I think a philly punchline What's that the n word? Yeah Honestly, dude, it's literally not coming out. It's this will be over. Oh, okay We're doing a minute. You guys aren't even recording this No, this is like I use this is coming out. Yeah, we missed you November 10th and then I'll be at Skyline in Appleton 26 and 27 there you go

And then I have a podcast with my wife. Yeah Call it find your beach find your beach not find your bitch You already found your bitch. We say that a lot. Nice. Yeah, that's awesome. Like I found my bitchy woman And yeah, she found her. Do you still like podcasts or you do it because you feel like you have to Uh, I like it. But at the same time, it's like Uh, I don't really like don't it's not like explosive like we don't make like a giant patreon or anything So sometimes it feels kind of asinine. Yeah, we're just like, you know, plugging away for I don't know. Yeah, what's like I did it

I never did this because I wanted to I was dying to podcast I thought that there would be like a big leap, you know, it's gonna try to piggyback off of my wife's fame Right. How's it going? She's horrible. She's gotta get more famous. I'm doing chores. That's it You know what she should do? She should try to be in one of these new james bond movies. Yeah, right with her tits out That's what she should be talking about. I don't make her tits are how she ever thought about being in one of these james bond movies Probably Yeah, she should get the little gun the fucking what's that thing called the saturday night special pp7 Pp7. Yeah, she should shoot me in the head while I come

It'll be pretty cool if your wife killed you while you were busting inside. That'd be the best way to go That is how I'm gonna ask her to kill me. Yeah That's the best way brother Ain't nothing fine if you love me. You'll do this. You'll fucking shoot me whore Hey, but you got to do with the pp7 because that'd be fucking badass I'm gonna wear a tuxedo. Yeah That would be cool to pretend you're james bond failing on a mission I don't know how I want to die, but whatever it is. I need I want to have to be publicly fished out of something

Yeah in front of families You know like some kind of industrial ventilation system Oh, it's got to be like a lake a lake or I want to be like a small lake like a small pond in a bar Then a pond where a lot of families are trying to ignore it. I want to be stuck to the bottom of that fountain in front of Del Frisco's The smallest amount of water possible is the funniest But I'm gonna set it up when I walk into the fountain like I'm like a houdini Like the greatest escape

And then I just die Then you take a bunch of pills and fucking pass out you start foaming at the mouth. Yeah. Yeah All these people are like cheering me on and I just die and I ruin their vacation. Yeah, your body's just fucking shaking That's really good Andy. Yeah, that's yes. Yes. Yes failing at a david blaine stuff is the best way to die Just everyone watching If you get terminal cancer, that's how you got to go. Oh, yeah, you gotta do something like that Try to jump a motorcycle Just explode

They're fucking power washing your fucking body off a bus. It'd be awesome to tightrope walk your first step you slip Or you fall off the platform You don't even touch the road And somehow like you fall and but then we have the camera tracking Yeah, you know like the 9-11 victims coming out of the towers, but you fall and your pants get your dick comes out Yeah, it rips your pants off and then you're just ass. Yeah, you're ass a little there's his ass And there's his little dick and there's his ass And he's hit the ground. I'm kind of amazed nobody's done

Suicide on instagram live like a jump off. I'm sure they have but it probably gets deleted immediately And then it's just on live like yeah, yeah, they should I agree with you, dude It's gotta be the thing is it just has to be bad for the algorithm. Yeah, it was good You know if that was getting people to buy crocs or whatever. Yeah, we see that every fucking day That's what you guys need to pivot to that pro suicide marketing. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Well, this is already a pro and a podcast We had no chair on last week. It's not Nothing tastes as good as I'm the opposing view. Yeah

I think everyone should be fed. I'm actually on I think I'm on hour 14 in my fast. No, I'm 16. Yeah, you're fasting for what I just do intermittent Oh, I eat stop eat. What do you do eat stop eat? Yeah. Yeah, I just do eight hours. Yeah But I don't go to the gym anymore Nice, really I can't afford it. I was going to equinox. It was too much. Oh, yeah, have you been to equinox? No, but I want to it's so worth it 100% worth it. How much is it a month 250 to 60? I heard that they have a they charge you based on weight. So if you Yeah, I'm fucked. Yeah, but it does sound it's worth it though, right? I would just nice

I would go two days of the week that I would go I'd go like four days a week two of those days I would go and just go to the locker room stuff a couple guys Steam shower, you know Lewis your friends with Lewis, right? Which one Gomez? I'm not friends with them He had like a public feud with equinox because he kept getting propositioned in the locker room That's so funny. I was like they keep trying to have fucking gay sex with me in there They won't let me eat in the locker room Yeah, it's gonna hurt my feelings if not enough guys want to fuck me in there, dude

Yeah, there's gotta be a guy for you. No, dude, because the guys that want to fuck me aren't at the gym Yeah, one time I was at the gym. Gay guys aren't my kind of gay guys, but maybe they're the kind of like fit guy That's like, yeah, there's gotta be a fit guy. It's a chubby chaser. No, they don't they know I was I was in a not the equinox game 24-hour fitness in LA like showering the one that's like next to the arc light And they have like between the showers. They have like smoke Smoked me a glass and the dude next to me in the shower was just jerking off facing me I was like trying to shower and I turned and there's this little latino guy just like I could see his pupils That's so funny

Did you see the jit hit the wall, dude? No, I bailed. I I should have just been an alpha about it and just turned and Dirk Duff Adam to yeah, yeah, that would have showed him you should have beaten him to death This is self-defense. Yeah, and then you're the bad guy And then and then people start to get mad and like you're faced So you beat him to death and there's a crowd forming in the in the locker room And you're just facing like the sink area after you've murdered this man. Yeah, everyone's like, what's wrong with you? This is homophobic, but then you turn around and you've put women's makeup on. Yeah Oh, my brain is tucks. Yeah. No, you're yeah. Yeah, and they're like checkmate

And the world turns another day not guilty your honor Fuck well, that's good to do for us folks. Thank you, Andy Podcast go see Andy on the road and he'll probably you stave and I wherever we are Go and chat can be congrats to solve on the special. Well, we're very proud of you. We'll see how I do We'll see how it goes first But who's opening? I don't know all the bitches that show up. Are you gonna be in LA dude? You want to do it? I'm not gonna be in LA if you fly me out. I'll do it. Maybe all right. I would like somebody good to open

But your mel's out there. That's sure. That's sure. Yeah, you got mel sir. I haven't thought about it. Thanks a lot. Thanks guys