The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 286 – chantilly lace

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

pony tail hangin down

Yeah. Yep we agree Adam. Yeah. Come say it on the mic. Hmm. Missed. Missed that one but this is the one that's important. Okay so this doesn't matter? It doesn't matter. The only reason I record the individual channels is if like if he says the N word or something again. Right, right, right. Then I can just cut that and then bleep it and it doesn't pick up on the other channels. Gotcha, gotcha. So don't, you don't say the N word. I never said it on camera. Yeah. I mean I could do it off this one but it just makes it easier to chop it because you know sometimes he's like oh college I drugged and raped this girl. He does a 15 minute story and then he's like oh can you delete that? And if he does it then I can cut his section. I see. Who's he? Zeroed out. Oh a different guy. Different guy. Oh the other guy? Yeah. The other guys. The other guys. I'm the guy who does his fucking job. Who are you? You must be the other guy. You know what I'm thinking about? You know the movie Dumb and Dumber? Yeah. So that's the title but it's uh and... No. That's even like... I mean it rhymes. No but imagine the characters. No that's, we're gonna keep, we're not taking it deeper. We're gonna let everyone think about what you made them think.

You know what would be funny? But we are not gonna... Yeah no I get it. You know what would be funny is if it had that name but it was Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. I'd be funnier if it was like Michael Park Duncan and Jeff Daniels. No, no, no, no, no, no. We are not going into this one. We're gonna keep it moving. The character's name is Lloyd Cronza. Okay I'll give you that one. That's a good one. That was clever. But we are moving on. George Floyd Christmas. No we are moving on. You couldn't, you couldn't have just had Cronza, could you? You had to have it one more. Hey. You had to sneak one more. It is late night? It is late night. This is my Conan spot. It is late night. Is this the latest episode we've done? In quite some time because we've been on the 10 a.m. fucking noon schedule. It's 10 p.m. right now. People forget this started off as a late night show. When you were young men we'd come back from getting pussy all night. We'd do the podcast. I'd just smell, I would reek of pussy. Oh yeah. I got so much pussy in my early 20s. Oh yeah. I mean we weren't doing the show in your early 20s. Yeah.

You were drunk as shit at Sidebar. Not even. That was your mid 20s. What are you talking about? We're all 24 years old. You're 37. What are you talking about? You're a grandma. We have our whole lives ahead of us. You got a grandma's body. Stop looking at my body bro. Why? I'm trying to feel better about myself. You do have grandma posture Adam. Yeah. But you know what the good news is? You'll be good. You'll basically look the same until you die. Yeah. Do you have an old man's body? No. I won't look good. I'll look young and then I'll look horrific. You don't look young now. I look younger than I am. You don't look younger than you are. You look like Anthony Cumbia. I get carded still. You got fucking pock marks on you. I'm not saying that as a brat. Come on. It's not a brat. You don't look that young. I'm not like a fucking old woman. You do look like an old woman. Well, I will look like an old woman. The best I can hope for personally is Mickey Goldmill from fucking Rocky. That's awesome. That'd be awesome though. And you're also a handsome guy.

That's best case scenario. I end up like an old... Apparently he fucked a lot. The actor. Burgess Meredith. Burgess Meredith. Yeah, famous actor Burgess Meredith. Not Mickey Goldmill. Because your mind does that trick. You mean that fucking old dead boxing trainer? I see what Burgess looks like actually. Not when he's making the face. I mean, look, Adam, I also look like... I've looked like a 50 year old diner owner since I was 20. Yeah, but that's your thing. And you look like an old Jewish woman. We don't have to have the same thing. We happen to have the same thing. We can have different things. We happen to have the same thing. Wow, he looks kind of goofy. It's true. We do happen to have the same thing. For different reasons. We're both. Big old fat great guys. We just look old. We're big old cows. That's what we mean to call a fat guy a cow. No, I'm a bull. Yeah, a bull is a compliment. Yeah, but Shane already has that. I know, we've been through this. Have we? You could be pig. No, no, we've been through this. I'm the boss hog. The bull is taken, but pig is available. I'm the fucking boss hog guy. You're like cool guy is taken, but you could be faggot seven. You could be gay motherfucker.

Jimi XX not cool faggot. Do you have an XX screen name, Adam? No. What'd you have? I tried different Jimi Hendrix. Nice dude. And the one that wasn't taken was stone free and then my birthday. Nice. Nick over your screen. A lot of racist shit that I'm not saying. Yeah, I would make new ones all the time. Oh man, that's hilarious. I had, I had a little, I think I said this. I had a little Latin flare. I was El Stavrito. That's sick. And I'm not trying to suck up to you because you just called me old looking, but we both look old in different ways. You come up with good names. Thank you. Stavi Baby Enterprises is a great name. Thank you. I've always been jealous of it. Thank you very much. What's your LLC is rich black women? Black women, black women. No, it's download, download Brothers. Download Brothers Incorporate. Mind of my black owned business LLC. That's a good one. No, it's worse than that. But I won't say it publicly. What? Your business name? Yeah. No, well, people can people can look it up.

Look, go to Albany, New York and look up the New York State New York Department of Commerce Secretary. Yeah, go tell them where to find Secretary of State. You go, you do a business search, you put in Adam Friedland under the owner manager. It's probably pretty easy to find. It'll give you it'll give you his address to because funny moms international. Oh, really? S corporation. It'll tell you where he lives to because they have to legally you have to provide an address. So epic dude. Yeah. Adam Friedland. Are you doing it right now? I was about to but it's hilarious. The things that are that like auto. Like Adam Friedland age. Adam Friedland sister. Adam Friedland height. Adam Friedland new girlfriend. These fucking animals. You fucking pieces of shit. Your girlfriend is the word. Leave the fucking girl alone. That makes me mad. I know on her behalf. Not on Adam. Here's the worst DM I get. Frequently. Yeah, I get DMs from strangers. Yeah, chinless strangers. Of course.

Let's say your sister is beautiful. As if I'm gonna be like, Oh, you should get married to her. Yeah. You should. Oh, interesting. Nick's is Nick. Well, and Adam Friedland is the first thing. Yeah, we're in love. Yeah. And then height and I'm the first extra. Yes. Yeah. I got Stavros Halkius age and tooth. Those are mine. Not too shabby. You're deliberately not reading the ones because I've searched Stavros Halkius pig, not bull. No, this bull crossed off. Hold on. I'll search Stavros Halkius bull and it says did you mean Stavros Halkius pig? No. Wikipedia. The Stavros Halkius pig is a breed of pig from Greece that exists. No, it doesn't. It's real. It isn't real. It's real. It's not real. And Nick is gay. What if Santa was real, but he was gay? And he had a hard ass penis. What if Santa Claus came in your ass instead of down a chimney? That's the question we're answering this Halloween. Get ready for gay Santa. Gay Santa. You watched bad Santa. Well, now he's gay. Are you calling me a fucking fat? And he's gonna fuck that black midget. There was an everything in like from 2004 to 2012. My dad taught me how to have gay sex when I was eight years old.

The only thing I could do is get a job at Santa Claus. They said they weren't hiring queers anywhere around here. Gay Santa. I forgot the little boy from Slingblades in Tokyo Drift. Is that him? Yeah, Lucas Black. And he's still playing the same little boy. I like to imagine it's the same character. So what are you doing over here in Japan? I made friends with a retard and they sent me here. I made friends with a retard that killed my stepdad and they sent me to Japan. That should have been the sneak peek at the end of Fast 6 as we find that Slingblade killed Han. Oh, fuck. That would be awesome. I thought he was molesting the boy. I've never seen Slingblades. One of my favorite movies. Yeah. Fuck it. I'm getting the band together. I'm calling the band. Fuck you. I'm friends with the sheriff. Yeah, never seen it. You know, so it's about a retarded guy that kills a pedophile. It's a great movie. It's a perfect, low-budget, fun movie. A little fun gem. That's cool. Maybe I'll check it out. I got a TV. I bought us a little TV for the weekend. Yeah. Maybe we'll watch Slingblade. Slingblade. Slingblade River's Edge is my double feature. I'll show a bitch a film or two. It's a double feature.

I've never seen the other one. River's Edge is also one of my favorites. What's that? What happens then? It's about a teenager, a group of teenagers. The movie opens. One of them has just murdered a female friend. It's a multi-gendered friend group. And it's kind of waistoid. I presumably like Eastern or Northern California town, you know, just a lower-middle class town. One of the teenagers, yeah, kills this girl. Damn. And then the rest of the teenagers, like, they're just gossiping about it. And they're like, yeah, John killed Janie. And we're going to go see her body later. And I mean, it's kind of a slow burn because they're not really reacting at all. But it is pretty accurate to... I mean, it's about a lot of things. Okay. Is there breasts in it? Yeah, they're dead. Dead breasts.

I don't want to look at dead breasts. Well, they kind of look like a light-skinned Latina sort of thing. I feel like those women look dead to begin with. I don't think that's true. I think it's true. I think that's a beautiful skin tone. I don't even know if they're just like an Argentinian. They all look like corns. Oh, I see what you mean. Like a very light-skinned. Yeah, when they're like blue lips.

You're talking about like... An ethnic German... German, like Italian women that like... There's like one generation. They just have like... There's like the Italians that left from Mussolini and got a tan. Yeah. And now they call themselves Latinx. Yeah. But they're like 98% Italian. Yeah.

I see what you're talking about. And they write on Ted Lasso. Yeah, they do comedy about kindness. I hate that shit. It's so annoying, dude. I've never seen it. No, I watched one episode. Yeah, I watched the pilot, too, because I was just curious.

It's not good. It's bad television. Well, it was just... It's just like the whole premises. This is a guy that can't get put... Who can't get put in from his wife, so he goes to England. Yeah. That's what happens. That sounds good to me. Well, nothing really happens on the show. There's always just like a sequence of events that don't... There's no like tension.

There's no drama to anything. It's just fucking... Do you see the whole thing? No. I watched one episode and it was bad. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's better than the pilot, but it was not... It was not my cup of tea. I'll put it that way. Is it true that it was like rewritten to not be mean? I don't know.

That originally it was supposed to be about a dumbass that's coaching soccer. A Southern college football. And then they made it about like mental health and stuff. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I think that all just sort of materialized around this. But you never know. Yeah. Who knows? And I fuck with Judea because he's good.

Maybe it was created by the CIA. Very good. Very nice. Very serious opportunity. I would always like to put that option on the table with regards to anything. Do the CIA is watching? Hassan Piker, CIA. Us. Yeah, us. CIA.

For sure. We are definitely made by the CIA. Yeah. There's no way that many people listen to this shit. Yeah. Like somebody is paying for this. It does have to... I feel like, yeah, there's like dark State Department money. Just pushing us to the forefront.

Right. Because otherwise I would probably like blow myself up in front of it. Yeah. I've actually got... Like the census building. Something that doesn't even... It's not a press thing. It's a department of the interior. Yeah. I drive a truck into it.

Yeah. Yeah. I actually have my Israeli asset contacts. I've been pumping our Patreon for about five years now. That's good. Yeah. Growing it steadily. That's good.

So it looks organic. Checks out. That's awesome. Yeah. We're getting the minds of the youth and we're making them fucking stupid as shit. The pork rinds of the youth. Yeah. Dangerous pork rinds.

Starring Stavros Alcus. Dangerous pork rinds. It's like dangerous minds. What was that one? Dangerous rinds. And Michelle Pfeiffer teaches a bunch of Latin kids in the South Central. And so it's you teaching home ec. It's me teaching them how to make really good sandwiches.

Yeah. You're in a rowdy classroom and you're just writing Riga Tony on the board and underlining it. And they're like, Riga Tony. I only know that. Tony. That. Hold on.

Yeah. That. Tony. I don't need baloney. And then they're rapping and you're like, maybe you can wrap a recipe. And then we go to the state finals of making fucking breakfast. Yep. And then the doctor gets arrested falsely by a cop.

Yeah. And then when you guys make the cop donut so good, he lets him off. And right before the big debate, the doctor tells you you're dying of. Getting too much pussyitis. If you keep drinking, you're going to die. And you're like, well, I'm not going to quit drinking. And you're like, how do I tell the kids I'm dying? And you're like, I got bad news, guys.

We can make it through, but I'm drinking myself to death. We got maybe one month left to cook it together. Right. Also, I don't really even work at this school. I'm going to be honest with you. Cafeteria ain't got a teacher. That's just lunch. I kind of rolled in here.

Yeah. I'm an auditing teacher. Yeah. I just faked it. I've been collecting money in the form of strawberry shortcake, good humor, ice cream bars. Oh man. Those are fucking sick.

Yeah. Fuck dude. Those treats at your school cafeteria. Those. We didn't have those. That was some fucking crazy shit. We never had ice cream. What's the, what's the, they had a contemporary,

like a partner in crime, the strawberry shortcakes ones. The SpongeBob. No, no, no. Cookie cream. No. It was like chocolate eclair, I think was the other flavor. Yes, yes, yes. Good humor.

Yes. See, we didn't have ice cream. We had, we had fucking Mrs. Fields cookies. We had. Like brandy caps? Hot fries. No, not any caps. Yeah.

Brandy cookies. And then we had, and then in high school, we had little pizzas you could buy. I think it's, I think. That made the dick very plump. I think that all the food in like the country is all made by that Cisco company. Yeah, probably.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely that you had. The schools. Schools have, definitely they have fucking contracts. Yeah. Cause I feel like everybody ate the same kind of hamburger that had a very specific taste.

And that weird square pizza. Yeah. Yeah. French bread pizza. Yeah. Because it wasn't tombstone. I remember that confused me. With the little sausages?

With the little square pepperonis? I didn't understand what tombstone pizza was. I didn't understand what it was called French bread. Yeah. Cause it looked more like a tombstone. Oh, you were thinking about death. Well, tombstone was a type of pizza, but I think that was a brand of French.

It's a brand of circular pizzas. I thought it was a brand of French bread stuff. Oh, it's just French bread? But big ones. Big French breads. Yeah. Now we didn't fuck with those in my house. It was all circular.

I don't think I've ever had an actual tombstone pizza in my life. We were definitely a Frischetta family. What's that? Red Baron. And that was... No, Red Baron sucked my dick. I ate a lot of Red Baron pizza. Frischetta was the Cadillac of frozen pizzas.

It was late in the game, too. Yeah. It wasn't around at first. Go ahead, Adam. Do the joke. And I'll remind you that I used to do it. Did Giorno suck dick? Not gonna do it.

Go ahead, Adam. Do my joke. I don't even know what your joke is. Go ahead. Do it. What, that the Red Baron was a German pilot in World War I? No. What's the joke?

You know it. I don't know. I don't remember it. Go ahead, Adam. I'm not here for the joke. I'm here for the... Go ahead, dude. I'm here for the...

I'm just doing it. All my old bits. Go ahead, dude. I'm here for the resting tidbits and anecdotes that everyone tunes in every week. So what about the Red Baron? I don't even remember this bit. But then give us your own thoughts. Walk it out.

Why don't you give us your own thoughts? If you had to. I don't know. I don't want to bite right now. Why? Just try, dude. It's fine. What do we have time stamp?

We are at 1850. All right. So you have a minute left before it's fine. Don't even... You're not going to go to the ads yet. We'll do the... Just riff on the idea that the Red Baron also made pizza. Just figure it out.

Yeah. Well, why... Explore this place. Space. Well, why do the Nazis make pizza? Okay. Yeah. I mean, is there more?

It doesn't make much sense to me. It should be in Italian. That was a fucking rough fart. It smelled like rotisserie chicken. Oh, nice. We just had some. That's too fast for my farts to be smelling like the thing I ate 17 minutes ago. Did I eat up the clock on that?

So what's your bit? What's the read, Nick? Just tell us what the bit is. I don't remember what the bit is. I literally don't. The red... What would your... I wish I had a cigarette right now to blow the smoke in your face.

Like you're... Turn all the lights off in here. Except this one. Like you're Christoph Waltz. Listen, we're not having... It's not that difficult. What's the read? You're a professional comedian.

Wait, what is it? The prompt is this. Yeah. Red Baron pizza. Yeah. Obviously. German pilot. Yeah.

What's the joke? I don't know. It's Nazi pizza. Is it Nazi pizza? I don't know. It's World War I. Oh, it's World War I. Yeah.

They weren't really against the Jews so much that time around. Keep going. I don't know. It's an Italian food, but a German name for it. I'm off track now. What's going on? I'm going to come back. I'm going to give you 15 minutes.

Stop. You know. I don't know. I don't know either. You're making it seem like I'm some sort of defunct. There was a light in your eye that seemed like you were going to... I remember Nick had a bit about red Baron pizza, but I don't remember where it was. I legitimately don't remember what it was.

What was it? Just humor. We'll come back in 15 minutes. We'll let you think about it for a while. Talk to your attorney. 15 minutes of a read? Yeah, try it. No, I'm joking.

We're not going to... What was the bit? Just say it. No. Why? Because I'll wait until you do it. What was it? Then he was a famous pilot from World War I.

Mac Walden. Mac Walden. This is the most delicious underwear that Adam can eat on a man's body. Almost like a red Baron pizza. You're a busy guy, so stop thinking about what to wear and just embrace the radically efficient Mac Walden daily wear system. Stop. Would you ever have bread Baron pizza?

Sure. Yeah, okay. The bread? Yeah, sure. Stop doesn't know what it is either. That was the bit, dude. It was bread Baron pizza. No, that's just a pun.

I'm going on stage and I said, why is it called bread Baron? Why is it called bread Baron? Bread. That would be pretty good. Bread Baron pizza with the fuck, but it's all on bread. Yeah, I used to be really good at stand up. Yeah, I don't remember the bit. Yeah, no, I was stupid.

The daily wear system is a selection of clothes. It was just dumb bit. It wasn't good at all. I don't even think he even saw me do it. I didn't feel like one week in Austin. Yeah, I was there. It sounds familiar though. I do feel like I might have heard you say it.

What's the bit? Just say it. It was just, you know. For the audience, not for us. Yeah. For our loyal fans. No, don't worry about it. Stupid.

No, I shouldn't have said that now. You don't want to do it. Yeah, I don't want to do it. That's why I don't do it anymore. The daily wear system is a selection of clothes. Yeah, but listen man, we got fucking, we're only two minutes 22. We got Mack Welter on the way that you put on. We'll get to in the 50s when we're struggling to get to that hour and then we'll revisit

yeah as a treat. It's going to be sweet when there's new episodes of this show dropping that we record maybe two months from now. Yeah. And we're all 47 years old. Yeah. When they air. Yeah.

Yeah. And Adam is 58. Yeah. I'm not that much older. Adam's going through. One year. He was crushed by menopause. Yeah.

It's difficult to get a hysterectomy. Your breasts start saying. What happens? Your pussy just runs out of eggs. It dries up. Yeah. And it just completely. And it's like, well, look.

We're out of eggs. So you don't get any fucking sauce. And you get really hot. Yeah. Yeah. But then they take your womb out and then you just start raw. They don't give you a hysterectomy when you go through menopause. Does your pussy fall out?

No. Not ever. You think every woman gets a hysterectomy? No, you have to do a menopause. And you think every single one gets their pussy hollowed out? I'm sorry, soft. My mother didn't live long enough to do that. Okay.

All right. There we go. You don't know basics about pussy, so you got to fucking. I don't know pussy facts. You don't know pussy facts, but you are a pussy that knows facts. A different kind. The daily wear system is a selection of clothes rooted in smart design made with performance fabrics and built to work together from breathable t-shirts and polos to stylish button-ups

and shorts. Underwear and beyond. Mac Weldon makes it easy for you to dress for work, leisure, and play wherever your summer takes you. Right in time. What is it? December? Yeah.

I guess we should say that, so this is probably November, there's probably some kind of Thanksgiving bullshit sale. Is this Thanksgiving? Yeah. You're right. I didn't hear back from them, but I guarantee that they're going to be. They better pay. Amen, brother.

They're going to want to, they always do some kind of fucking fall, they have like a fall underwear package. So yeah, maybe your cock and balls are a little chilly because it ain't summer no more. Maybe your pussy, maybe you're one of these old bitches that got her pussy drilled out like Adam said, there's no juice in that bitch. They got a thing that the underwear pulls your cock up and then the skin, then between your balls and your dick, it form a turkey neck, you know, and it's turkey style. Oh shit, the fucking bulls are about to come back.

Let me ask you this, fuck, they went on a 10-0 run in the last fucking minute. What's the score again? It's a 104-101. Okay, folks, so this is the bulls next game brought to you by Mack Weldon. October 28th, Kimba Walker at the top of the keys got out, Caruso, Caruso smothered him, no foul, they lose the fucking ball, fuck, the bulls get it, timeout, 14.8 seconds, one possession game, the Knicks are blowing this, I'm about to kill myself. This is like Jack Nicholson doing the World Series, it's one fatso of the cuckoo's nest.

What's the timeout? So go ahead, Adam. Yeah, keep going. Fuck, that cocksucker, Vusevich, that fucking Serbian cocksucker, Vusevich. Buy some time this summer with Mack Weldon, this fucking Thanksgiving winter, with Mack Weldon daily wear system. For 20% off your first order, visit macweldon.com slash cometown20 and enter promo code, cometown20. That's macweldon.com slash cometown20, promo code, cometown20.

And remember, for 20% off, Mack Weldon, radically efficient wardroping, have we ever said that? Radically efficient wardroping. Maybe it's you, bro. The last line, no, this is from July 21. Yeah. I told these motherfuckers, I'm not one of these paperwork that, you know, you can just be emailing on, don't be emailing on me, bitch, I hate that, I hate that one, I don't know shit.

I also have an invoice in since January. They should. Why are we doing their other ads? We should be doing ads for local restaurants. I like to say, I like to save it up and you hit them with the like, wow, I guess you're right. Also, hey, we're insolvent, I'm like, wow, give me a couple pairs of underwear, but can I at least get a mug?

I would love an underwear mug. I would love that. Well, then mug. Then you can put your penis. You can put your cock and balls in your penis and my last office job. I got fired from that. It would warm my penis up in my coffee. That's really cool.

Yeah. They hate it when you do that. Hey, hey, 14.8 seconds left. Lanzo ball inbound. Tell us about it. Why don't you tell us about the promo code? Julius Randall. I literally said it six times.

They got a switch somehow. He's got Taj Gibson on him. How the fuck did that happen? And Zach Levine dunked it. One point game though. They got a foul. Yeah. Okay.

One point game. 9.5 seconds. How the fuck did they get that switch? What the fuck? RJ was on Levine and they picked him and they fucking ran off. That's a great play by the Bulls. Cock-suckers, cock-suckers, RJ, you got to fight through that screen. That fucking piece of shit, Zach Levine with the dunk.

So anyway, it's time out and listen, folks, you're going to want to look good at the Thanksgiving table. You want your cock to look good. You don't want it to smell bad. You got to talk to your uncle about socialism. You've been heating your penis up with a... With a McWeldon mug. With a McWeldon mug.

A penis-warming mug. Maybe with some ultra soft... Maybe with some ultra soft... You're trying to switch over to decaf penis-warming. Ultra. Yeah, that's true. You can do it at macweldon.com promo code PENISCOCK. PENISCOCK.

Don't even talk to me until I've had my penis-warming. Call up Mac. Call up Mac. Go to the secretary of state website and look up McWeldon's business. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then find their address. Call...

Contact their lawyer and threaten to kill him. Correct. Yeah, you should do that. Promo code COM-TOWN. COM-TOWN20. COM-TOWN20. And that was parody. That was a parody.

Okay, thanks, Paul. Okay, here we go. Let's just hear what happens at the end of that game. Okay, so Alec Burke's inbounding. He's got Lonzo on him. He's got Lonzo on him. He's got Lonzo on him. But if Lonzo's not looking, fuck.

Oh, he's got to get it in. Fuck, the Knicks needed to use another time out. You've got to get it in at McWeldon.com. And you've got to get it in at McWeldon.com. God damn it. Why the fuck did he do that, Alec Burke? You piece of shit. Well, I wouldn't say that to him.

He is, man. They should have fucking kept Reggie Bullock. I'd like to see you try. Reggie Bullshit. I'm going to kill myself if the Knicks lose this game. I want the bull... Fuck. And here at Madison Square Garden, it's kill yourself, Knight.

You're welcome to kill yourself. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck the bulls. Anyway, I guess we did the promo code, right? Did we say the promo code? ComeTown20. And we put that part where they asked us to put a threat in it. Yeah.

Yeah, that was part of the copy. Which was in the copy. I forgot I said that already. I hope nothing ever comes back to bite me in the ass. There's zero chance. I'll tell you, there's one thing I would not like. What's that? Consequences?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That is one of the gayest things in the world is consequences. Who came up with that? Oh, fucking bitch, that's who. You rape what you say. Fuck, I had a fucking Italian sub from Big Y.

Yeah, we had two dinners tonight. Well, you know, I think the pierogi and salad was more of an appetizer. Yeah, it was a snack because we didn't eat it. I'm tired from driving. Yeah, I was in a car for two and a half hours. Okay, they fouled, they inbound, they fouled, they sent Kemba to the line, Kemba's a good free throw shooter. We're looking good, folks.

We're looking good, folks. Anyway. Oh, I didn't say on the future Sunday episode about what happened to me on the way over here. It's really not that big of a deal, but I ran away from a security guard at a nursing home. Oh, really? Because I was... Because they thought you were one of the...

No! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is unbelievable, dude. They fucking... They fouled them again, they stole the inbounds pass. Oh, my God, this is fucking embarrassing. I guess it's jockey.

And he's inbounds, too? Fuck. Oh, he's out. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The Marge de Rosen's out, and it's going to maintain Nick's ball. Okay, here we go. 5.7 seconds, they fouled. Stop, this is the most exercised you've gotten.

They fouled Julius Randall. He's sweating. There's been three rounds of standing up and sitting back down. Sweating to the oldies right now. Okay. Sweating to the oldies, which is Adam's story about getting confused at the nursing home. Oh, it happened earlier today. A senior citizen.

Damn, they got Tony Kukoch in attendance. He's a fucking hot guy now. Kukoch is aged well. How old is he? 50? He's a fucking Silver Fox. Croatian. Croatian.

Here we go. Julius. 5 seconds left. One point game. Two free throws. He misses the first one. He fucking beats the first one, this cock sucker. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

This would be a huge win for the Bulls. Second free throw coming up. Second free throw coming up, folks. Oh my God. Watch this going to overtime. And if you want to do kind of like a dark side of the moon, what do you call it? Wizard of Oz. You can find the...

You can find this game on... October 26, Nick Schultz. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. He's got to make this one. He's got to fucking make this one.

All right. Second free throw. No good. No good. And the Bulls have a timeout. And he missed it. Embarrassing. An embarrassing display from Julius Randall.

This is not good. This is fucking dog shit. He folded. No, you cock sucker Julius. No. He's not ready for the moment, man. This has happened to the playoffs last year. Fuck.

All right. Well, listen, I also have a basketball podcast called Pod Don't Lie. We will be getting into this probably three weeks ago. All right. The Bulls are about to fucking win. I'm gonna take him myself. Hey. Look, I'd say stay on this while you feel alive until we hit.

I don't know. Just stuff top of my head. Maybe the 40-minute line. Okay. All right. Well, look, we got one more possession. The Bulls are probably gonna win it here. It's theirs to win.

Honestly, the Karma Gods should repay the Bulls here because they are playing to earn it, to win it. And so if there's justice, they'll win because the Knicks are playing scared in the fourth quarter. They folded. They went, they let their fucking opponent come back to a double-digit, it was a double-digit deficit. So, you know, if there's any justice, the fucking Bulls will win this one, but I don't want

them to. Oh, fuck, athleticism. There's nothing like it. Yeah, I agree. What about getting your dick sucked? I guess that's true. I'd rather watch men at their peaks. Honestly, a really good, watching a really good game versus a run-of-the-mill blowjob

at this point in my life, man. I agree. I take the game. But I love head. I'd say the Super Bowl where the helmet catch, that was probably better than every blowjob I've ever had. Oh, yeah. And the Patriots lost.

Here we go. Lonzo to inbound. The Mars got it. Airballs it. Fuck the Bulls. Knicks number one, baby. And that. Airballs it, you cocksucker from Southern California.

RJ was all over him, draped on him that fuck, oh, actually, was it fucking? It wasn't even, yeah, it was RJ on the switch. This time, the switch didn't do so good, did it, DeMar, you fucking prick. Woo! Knicks win. The Bulls suck my dick. Let's keep the episode going, fellas. God damn, that's awesome.

Hold on, let me text Sam. I wouldn't say that about him. Yeah, go ahead and text Sam for a minute. Yeah, text Sam, let us know when you're done. I wouldn't say that about any of these guys because they're friends of the show. Who, the Bulls? Yeah, DeMar DeRozan listens to almost every episode of Come Town. He said Adam's his favorite character.

He did. He said the grandma is my favorite character. Yeah. Oh, man. Listen, he thinks I'm a grandma, that's a little annoying, but he likes me, and that's what's most important. Oh, fuck, well, I know people probably enjoyed that I did that, but I want to take the opportunity here to let you know that I'm also on tour, that I'll be in Tampa this weekend.

Please buy your tickets. I'm in Los Angeles filming a special on the 6th. I have a warm-up show on the 5th at the Irvine Improv, and I might add a show after the special taping where I just do new stuff and crowd work, and then I'm going to be in Boston from the 9th to the 11th. And by this point, I think I'm going to have 2022 calendars for sale on Black Friday, so get ready for that. Black Friday?

Why do they call it that? Yeah, why? I call it African-American. Oh, that's good. Yeah, thanks. That's a good angle. Thanks. I came up with that.

That's a good angle. Yeah. What date is this show? I call it something different. I don't know that, but it's offensive. Okay, I'll be in Atlanta on November 19th with Microsync. Let me know when you need me. You call it something close to that?

I call it Hot Atlanta. Hot Atlanta. H.H. Brother. H.H. Brother. Goddamn, the fucking Nick survived. That's good.

That's good stuff. Okay, anyway, so what else is up, boys? What are we going to do this fucking weekend? This is a fucking extended week, you know? We're back in the cabin for those of you who haven't been able to tell what's going on. We're back in the cabin. This Sunday will actually be the first episode we recorded, but you know we like to flip them.

Oh, I just realized that. You know we like to flip them. By now, Kyle Rittenhouse will have been exonerated. Yep. And Gabby Patino will come back and say she just made it there. She killed him. She killed him, actually. They found his remains.

I think Dog the Bounty Hunter killed both of them just to have a little... For the juice. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to get back into the whatever the fucking bullshit I do is. People forgot about him. Yeah. He got incansled, which is the harshest canceling. Secret end tape.

I mean, did anybody think that guy doesn't say the n-word? That was the whole premise of the thing. I was shocked personally. He was secret. He was taped being like sometimes we joke around and say the n-word and I don't want that getting out. Really? Yeah.

I never heard it. Yeah. I think that's what it was. I can't really... I saw like one second of the Hulk Hogan fuck tape, but I had never... I didn't see... I didn't hear him say racist stuff. One second was all I needed.

Yeah. To bust? To bust. Bubba the Love Sponge's wife, right? Yeah. If you were a big enough... Your friend's wife. Is there a guy that you're a big enough fan of that you would let him fuck your wife?

I don't know. Oh fuck. Bob Dylan or Barack Obama? Bob Dylan. Yeah. Todd Rondgren or... Barack Obama. Yeah.

He's all the... Geez. Who would it be? Yeah. Steve Harwell. Steve Harvey. Steve Harwell? Who's that?

The guy from Smash Mouth. Oh nice man. Is that his name? I think so. Nice. Good pull. It's a good pull brother. Trying to think of these guys would be fun.

And I actually have something that's really good. Not anybody? No. Mark McGrath maybe? I have something that would be really good for you to pull at him. Yeah. What's that? The tip of my cock.

That one. Yeah dude. Like a clinic. Yeah. Like a clinic and you're getting your pussy checked out. My boy's running a clinic. Disgusting. I'm the doctor and your test results came back disgusting.

Your pussy is gross bitch. Yep. That's how you run a clinic. Mr. and Mrs. Smith I'm sorry to say your daughter's pussy is disgusting. It's terrible. Yeah. Medically it's gross. Well good news and bad news.

The good news is your daughter's not fucking. The bad news is because her pussy is dog shit. As we say in the biz, the biz is dog shit. I can't wait to. You think a gynecologist can tell when a pussy is really awesome for fucking? That's awesome. I can't wait to like all be hanging out when we're like in our fifties. That won't be happening.

For me to brag to you guys about how much penis my daughter gets. I'll be having friends who also work at the grocery store. You're going to be jelly counter. I'm going to be back in Greek town. No not in Greek town but in a nice part of Baltimore. Hopefully Greek town will have a renaissance by then. Renaissance fair. No we don't want that gay shit in Greek town.

But the turkey leg. I'm not a turkey leg guy bro. You will be once you start the renaissance festival. You think I'll run the renaissance festival? I think you will. I think you'll be surprised in which ways life goes. That's true. I guess never say never.

Yeah. I'm going to become a psychic. That's going to be my thing. That'll be awesome. It'll be pretty easy. It's just like somebody's like does my husband love me and I'm looking at their problem. I'm like the Jews are going to do another 9-11. And they believe you.

You can make my own tarot cards that says the tricky Jew. The twins of towers. Every reading is the same. Every reading looks like the Jews did 9-11. The Arab Patsy. The Catholic president. The magic bullet. You're going to be happy your daughter gets dicked down?

Yeah. I'll be happy for her. Yeah. She's having a great sex life. You'll single-handedly turn her against sex though? Yeah. Probably not. She's probably going to be like the daughter in an American pastoral.

Well, at least I'll have a daughter. She'll be like a gender freak. Probably. That turns into like an eco-terrorist or something. Maybe. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but she'll despise you. She'll be proud of her.

She'll hate you. Oh, for a fact, she will. If any women in your life respected you? Yeah, plenty. Name three. Three? Name five. Name five women.

Time's up. That's it. That's how you know. Massageness. That's how you know he's gay. What? Time's up. Yeah.

Any straight man can name five women almost immediately. You didn't give me enough time. Yeah, well, you had plenty. Gianna Michaels. Gianna Michaels. Tara Patrick. Michael Giannis. I know that.

Michael Giannison. Yeah. Sarah J. Sarah J. Eva Angelina. The chicken from the Chuck E. Cheese Band. Oh, yeah. Definitely her.

Janice. Janice Soprano. Janice Soprano. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Harriet Tubman. Here. Callista Flockhart.

Yeah. Angela Merkel. Yeah. Do you remember one? Nintendra Gamecube. Do you remember one? The black woman who invented the gamecube. That's a black nerd trans.

The black trans nerd girl. How are you doing? My name is Nintendra Gamecube. Oh, I see. She's a pioneer. Yeah. I came up with the... I didn't come up with the Wii.

That was my idea. I said, what if you could wave at it? Right. I said, what if you could go, hey? That's a good idea. What if it's a Nintendo? You could wave at it. It's a Nintendo that you could just...

You... Everything is right here. That you could... It's just... You did it. Nick is Z snapping. I'm Z snapping, but I'm also doing the... Yeah.

He's doing kind of like the Wiimote thing, but in a more... Yeah. You know how they do... Some with the wrist. A snap of the wrist. But this gesture... Oh, yeah. I know that gesture.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I want to check. Right. That one with the purse lips. Yeah. You guys can't see it, but... It's almost like...

It's like a twisting thing. A twisting and a closing of the hands. Yeah. A classic. Okay. Right. Right. A Nintendo GameCube.

That's awesome. Yeah. And maybe she's brought to you by Ridgewall? Yeah. I think she is. She's pretty... Yeah. That's the one we don't know.

Stalt. Just stalt. Just stalt. No. How about... Why don't we start by talking about Red Baron Pizza for a second? Just say it, Nick. Say what?

Say the bit. I don't know what you're talking about. You said I was stealing a bit, but I never heard... How about... I'm asking... I'm asking the question. Red Baron Pizza, something about you get tombstone after you kill Jews? No.

No. That would be more of a year one stand up bit. Yeah. I'm just asking. Yeah. See, Adam, see what I did is I just let my ego aside and I gave it a shot for the good of the show. If I leave my ego aside, I wouldn't know what to do.

You didn't even try one bit. Yeah. I don't know. Why is a German pilot... You didn't finish it. You didn't finish it. What's the bit? Why is it so obvious?

It's not. It's not obvious. So what you said, it was obvious. It's not obvious. I'm letting you walk into it. Father and son team Daniel and Paul Kane launched Ridge Wallet on Kickstarter in 2013. And now it sits in the pockets of over a million men and women worldwide. How about instead of Kickstarter, it says...

Klitzstarter. Klitzstarter. No. No. No. No. Okay. You have since recruited a small close-knit team to execute their version...

If we had just three bottles of Fabuloso... No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. We prefer to do more with less. It's not just a remark on resoursefulness. It's a call to maximalize your life by minimizing what you bring along. OK. Because you don't need everything to be prepared for anything. Hmm. We're streamlining daily life through quality products and redefining the everyday essentials,

like all its backpacks... What? I was just gonna jump in and help out. Go ahead. No. It's too late. I thought you had something to say. No.

You're bad attitude. Remember. about me. You've had attitude all day. It's been you showed up. You said I have a headache. I got to get my vagina out of the car. I did give you a very nice. We had to get you an oatmeal raisin cookie. No, I got it for myself. I that's not how I remember. Like wallets, backpacks and chargers was an alarm. Designs that don't sacrifice the oatmeal raisin faggot requires cookies. It's not a real alarm. By eliminating excess and building a performance grade, we turn the item to carry every day into tools for better living. Carry less, live

more, discover the rig. Holy shit. That's awesome. So use promo code. Come down 20. Come down 20 or come down or come down for 20%. It's also check out the for their special if they have one Thanksgiving or they got a turkey colored wallet. Let me tell you some all these companies that most people do like it because of Black Friday. Yeah, they do a Black Friday. So probably cyber Monday. Check. Check that out. Yeah. Check that on a major way. Yeah. Check it out. They'll have something really cool and you want to really check that out and an epic and epic. Look, it's about time to be getting people Christmas presents. Yeah, the ridge wall is perfect. Yeah, like wallets, phone cases, bags and accessories.

Get your autistic friend the same wall that Nick Mullen has. He would love it. He'd love it. Or she. Well, girls can have that. Let's be honest. Guys, he'd love it. Absolutely right. He's probably got a little mustache. He's probably wearing a track suit. He's probably wearing his I'm not racist anymore T shirt. Okay. Complete the look. Get him a fucking Ridgewall. Yeah. Okay. And if you're if I just described you to a T if you're the loser, I just described you owe it to buy a ridge wall. That's somebody in your life. Maybe you can buy them a Ridgewall for Christmas and also slip a little antifreeze into their hot cocoa. End it for them. Yeah, it's not going to get better. It's it's the opposite

of being gay. You know, it gets better campaign. It does not get better for those guys hyper inflation. You get gay. Yeah, you're actually gay people get better. You get gayer. So but by Ridgewall, though, that might stop it. That might also gay people need to stop making songs about politicians. You think so? I think I think they're getting dangerously close to blowing all the goodwill that they've what songs are you talking about Hamilton? He means Hamilton. He's not gay. Come on. Yeah, he's gay. No, you can make that's as gay as you can get as a boy. No, you can make me. That's true. That's a good or your trance or your trance. Yeah, or gay as possible, man. It's like it's like Iran rules. Yeah, if you're

completely gender conforming as a Puerto Rican, that's the case. You have to make rap musicals. That's one, bro. Thank you. Also, Randy Rainbow. Oh, Randy Rainbow's things. But I think gay people hate him. Is he still as they should because he's that's what I'm saying. Cross the board. Right. Just play it safe. No more songs about politicians. I agree with you. I've been write songs about Jones Beach, right, or a factory being closed down, right? That's yes. Those are the two or a calendar that's never going to come out, right? Or a guy that used to be a fisherman, but now he sucks dick for a living. Yeah. Yeah, basically be Bruce Springsteen. Be one of the five songs I can think of right now. They should write songs

about redfish, bluefish, one fish. Yeah, that's right. They should write songs about eggs and ham, a cat that's wearing a hat and fucking he fucks up a house and kids getting in trouble. An uptown girl, a girl who's from uptown, who's from uptown, having an open pussy from an uptown tab at Zanzibar. Yeah, yeah. They should write songs about Zanzibar, whatever the fuck that is. About a boat. Having the old man's car. Yeah. So that's how to be gay. Yeah, for all you gay guys, gay, they're going to write songs. Just be the gay Billy Joel. Most stuff. Yeah, you got to write songs about Allentown. Right. Right. The second gay man's car. San Francisco of Pennsylvania. I fuck the old man's ass. Well, we're having

a guitar in his ass. Well, we're holding hands in Allentown. And everyone is fucking something else being gay. And then everybody's wearing an earring waiting for the bathroom. We're locked in there. And now we're coming out of the bathroom. And everyone's staring at us. If you would have been better off fucking in my car. We thought there'd be privacy in the bathroom. Yep. You remember that Allentown? Oh, yeah, dude. What's the rip? How about Tim Allentown? Nice. He's like, Yeah, what the hell is this? The fucking man's penis to infinity and suck my dick. Yo, you see the thing you buzz light your movie, bro? What is it? A gritty reboot? It's literally it's a movie. But here's the thing, dude, Felix tweeted that

walk a movie into existence. It's hilarious. That's one of the funniest thing. Yeah, they're doing that. They're doing with Xiaomi. They did. They're doing a Wonka movie. But Felix tweeted exactly that years ago. He's like, you just have like a laughing Willy Wonka. And it's just called Wonka. And he's dark. And he's dark. It's the gritty origin story of Willy Wonka. But this shit is like Buzz Light. It's the it's the guy that the toy is based off of. Like it's a real life guy. It's a cartoon movie about a guy that existed in the toy story universe, I guess. And they made the action figure about him. And it's his story. And he gets pussy. I don't think so. I'm not gonna watch that. It's just like

what the fuck is even the point of having a movie anymore? It's like it sucks my dick so hard. Yeah, it's just a new way for them to sell even more fucking Buzz Lightyear toys. I fucking hate capitalism. Fuck yeah, dude. My hate late capital. That's the one hosted by James Corden. Yeah. After after. He does look like a little political cartoon, a little pig. Yeah, put a top hat on James Corden. Yeah, he looks like animal for right like obscurant scurrantism on his side. The stupid political cartoons. Standard oils, obscurant scurrantism. James Corden for you. Oh, yeah. Damn. I missed doing I missed doing late late night. Yeah, it's easier. So much easier. Yeah, I thought I just didn't know how to riff

anymore. But no, it's comedy only exists. Just say the red bear. Excuse me. Sorry. I'll say a different word. I'll tell you, it's got two K's in it. Get it ready. Get it ready. It's got it's got one K short of we don't have to say what it is. But I we all know. Yeah. And we agree with you. Well, we're kissing each other. Yeah, no more politician songs. Yeah. Dude, that video of Donald Trump watching the Capitol ride while listening to Gloria is amazing. I haven't. Is that real? Yeah, he's just like listening to Laura Branigan watching the watching the Capitol. That's awesome. When he was like, everybody go fuck up Mike Pence. Go kill the vice president. When the election was stolen from us. We went

to sleep. Everything was great. And we wake up and all of this bullshit happens. Oh, fuck. The best is with the Elton John finding out Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. Oh my fucking God. When he is the best video of all time. Oh my God, he's dead. I'm just hearing that right. I just I'm hearing this for the first time. I'm actually very sad. I'm very sad. She's dead. Yeah. She was beautiful. She did a lot agree with her or not agree or fucked her. She was she was very good. Wow. She was she was very good at judging. I'm hearing it for the first time right now. Just completely lying. I didn't know that's amazing. I'm hearing that for the first time. Truly, truly didn't know. Actually, just really well.

God damn. He's so funny. Yeah, I he really should be he should be king of the United States. He should be forever. We should abolish states. He should be the king. There should be a castle that takes up all of Manhattan Island. The fucking East River and the Hudson are remote. Okay. And reading. You should aim for like basically majority population literacy by the next 10 years. And he's just the king. And we just read his newsletters. We listen to him say shit like that. Yeah, react to deaths. React to Alec Baldwin fucking up in any way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Alec Baldwin is force fed alcohol every morning and then set out to put him behind the wheel of a car. Fucking every day. Alec Baldwin killed somebody

behind the wheel. He's done it again. He killed someone again. Alec Baldwin's done it again. He ran over a mentally retarded field trip. What a horrible person. He did it. He orchestrated it. He set the field trip out. The whole thing up. Alec loves killing retouch. He loves taking a drink, going for a drive, killing a bunch of retouch. Fuck. Well, I'm sucking dick in that in town. Well, I'm so good a man's dick and I'm fucking gay. And I'm being horny. And I'm getting my dick slurred. It's the best video. The fucking boss, brother. The goddamn motherfucking boss. What happened to the security guard at him? Oh, I turned off the highway to pee and I pulled into a parking lot and it was some security guard

walked out of the building. I realized it was an assisted living. I ran back in my car. Did he see your cock? Do you think? Do you think he was coming out to laugh at how little your dick was? But he saw my stream and he was like, that's a very masculine stream. No chance. It's very thick stream. No chance. Because you have a vagina. No, for her to woman pissed. Yeah, I have a big dick stream. Come on, dude. No, it's a woman. Pissing. It sounds like somebody opened the fire hydrant. It's coming out of a it's coming out of a hole. They're hitting every part of the toilet. Yeah, that's what you sound like. It's coming out of a sprinkler. It's coming out of a small mound underneath my belly button, but it's

a strong stream. Let's be honest. Yeah, I got to be honest. Please be honest with everyone. You have to you have to try and compliment yourself in any way possible. You're stealing my classic Red Baron pizza. Just say the joke. Why don't they make the whole plane out of a pizza out of pizza. Okay. That was not obvious. What is the joke? Why would that be the joke? Why don't they make that doesn't make any sense? Well, I did. What's the joke? Just say it. It's why. How about bread bearing pizza? No, that's not it. Come on, man. We got a minute left. Just take us 45 seconds. Just say the joke. Please. Adam will steal it. You're being defiant. I know that's me. I'm just that's how I do my job. You have oppositional way.

How about this? Don't say the bit. Yeah, don't say the bit. We don't want to hear President Trump with Mets met by shots of vote him out and honor her wish. See Peter's respects on Thursday. This is the old news segment on her wish. What are you talking about? Bruce Bader gave her wanted him to quit. Did she? Yeah. Fuck him. Just say the bit. No, Adam already did it. He already sold it. I said it already. So I did the bit. Give me credit. No, but I mean, give you credit for stealing the bit. I didn't hear the bit. You did in Austin for a week. You heard it. You heard it. You fucking bastard. I got a P. No, say it so I can pee. I'm going to drag this out the entire trip. Come on. The entire time

we're here. Oh, dude, that nothing would make me happier than to do 15 episodes. Yeah. And then the whole time it's like, Come on, next. Just say it. Just do the bit. I think that's a good idea, actually. Well, that's probably gonna. That's it. Thanks a lot, guys. Okay, we're not recording anymore. Nick, do you want to say the bit? Yeah, so a couple of black guys.