The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 288 – sexual pret a manger

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

croissant or psusy bitch the choice is urs

And this is week 19. Well, to all our fans that were frustrated with us in all the cabin episodes, we are back in New York. We drove back real quick because Adam had diarrhea in every one of the beds. We are recording now concurrent with the release of the episodes. This is being recorded on the day of the release of this episode, correct? It is. Yeah, this is live. Stav is succumbed to... Candy poisoning.

Sorry, I feel like I got a burp, but nothing's coming up. You need a puke real quick? No, I'm alright. You want to just take a couple seconds? We could all take a couple seconds. Yeah, we'll take a couple seconds. I feel like we've worked hard enough to... Oh, it's on the coffee table, get it? Okay, well then it's just me. It's December something, probably. December something. I hope you guys had a nice Thanksgiving holiday.

Maybe tried a different type of cuisine when outside of your comfort zone, no turkey and stuffing. What the hell is stuffing anyways? How did that come about? A bunch of garbage. A bunch of garbage they put in the bird's ass. That's right, yeah. I wonder if anyone's done that bit a million times. I think you're the first, probably.

Yeah, what is that? Just a way to redo bread, right? As a condiment? Yeah, I really don't... I think, and Stav will agree with me, Thanksgiving food kind of garbage is just a lot of it. Overrated. Yeah. Yeah, I think turkey is peasant food. And as we now find ourselves in sort of the top 1% of the 1%. It's nice knowing what the little run we had before we came out here, how bad the show had been already.

Yeah. But it doesn't really, it goes from like a 2 to a 1. I feel like we're not, I think in general we can gauge that it's good or bad. But I feel like beyond that, we're not good at gauging. Gaging. Quantifying things. We're the quality of the product. Yeah, I can't really, I can't really, I can't do that with anything.

I'll look at a woman, I'll be like 250 pounds. Yeah. And she'll be like, excuse me? She's like, I'm dying from anorexia. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I was like, well, I didn't say you weren't beautiful. Yeah.

I just said you look like you're 250 pounds. So if you take offense to that, that's on you. Yeah. I saw a woman, and I was like, that's a 14 year old. And she was like, I'm 28, and I'm like, that's disgusting. Did that happen for real? No. I was trying to play off of your quantifying thing.

So I was taking a shit right now for everyone that's listening. You know, I've never seen his shits. What do you think they're like? It's weird that we know so much about his body. The thing is that you would expect his farts to be powerful, but they're kind of a feat. Well, he's got his asshole to squeeze shut. But fat.

But fat. Yeah. Yeah. We don't want him to hear. We don't want him to hear that we think he's fat. Honestly, I never laugh harder than when he pretends he doesn't know that he's fat. That gets me. That gets me pretty good.

It's kind of like Eric Cartman. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, here he comes. Oh, hey. Oh, shit. Yeah.

It's fine. I was just telling the audience how we're back from the cabin now and we're doing the episodes live again. We're in New York. So they can relax. I know we got... Yeah, it's December or... It's...

We're in the Christmas spirit right now. Doing some holiday shopping. Yep. I'm buying... What are you getting your mom for Christmas? That's always a fun conversation. I'm getting her... I'm getting her a couch.

Yeah. I'm getting her a couch and I'm getting her a stand mixer that we already discussed. And I already bought her the stand mixer because my mom... You guys have had my mother's cookies. Fantastic cookies. So I got her a heavy duty fucking stand mixer so that she can get a nice batch going for the whole team. Yeah.

So she can get those cookies out and then go back to mothering. Yeah, yeah. Well, her and my grandma just fucking chill out. They got my brother's old room. They put a couple... I bought them Lazy Boys two or three Christmases ago. They made a bitch cave. They made a bitch cave, dude.

They got a TV and a little... And my grandma has a tablet that she plays Sudoku on. Nice. And they're just fucking in there and watching fucking Greek TV. Fucking... My aunt just reached me. She's got a hot plate. A hot plate.

I think they're living like fucking crackheads like in an abandoned... They're cooking rocks on the hot plate. Yeah, yeah. Going to West Baltimore. My aunt just moved into a new house and she was looking for stuff to throw out. Oh, yeah? There's all these boxes of shit in her house. What kind of stuff?

She's opened a box and she looks at me and she goes, do you know anyone that does Sudoku? Wow. And I said no. And she's like... She had a book of Sudoku. Yeah. She should have given it to my grandma. She loves it.

It's probably like a $1.3 million house that they moved into. Yeah. And she doesn't want to throw out the Sudoku. That's how rich people be acting though. Yeah. That's how they got rich. Yeah. By not throwing shit away.

It's the next Jewish family. Yeah. That he keeps secret. That he does keep secret. He's half. I keep them hidden. He's a quarter. It sounds like I'm doing a bit, but it's true.

No, I know. It is true. But no one will believe you. They think I'm doing it, man. Did he mute me? No. Oh. No, he didn't.

Oh, that's fine. Yeah, I'm getting... Yeah, and I'm trying to get the guy who did my basement. Yeah. I'm trying to get him to remodel the bitch cave. I want them to come in, rip out the floor. When we were babies, they put wall-to-wall carpeting everywhere. I want them to...

And God knows how many of my brother's teenage loads hit that carpet. I used to bus on the carpet in high school. I just remembered that. I was joking. I was so lazy. You don't think that it's going to do anything. It's like decomposing bilogism. Yeah, you think it's going to disappear.

You're like, oh, it's like water. I think I told this story already, but when I lived in Austin, the apartment complex had like a community room with like computers in it. And half the apartments in that complex would be like... It would be a one-bedroom apartment with like 12 Guatemalan guys. And any time... Because the gym was in the back, so you'd have to walk through the computer area. And any time I walked in there, there was like two computers at desk, and there would

be like a four-foot-seven Guatemalan guy that would just scoot the computer chair closer. And then he's looking at the desktop, you know, for whatever reason. Like the start menu. Oh, he's not looking at dirty videos? Well, he is. He's just made him close. Yeah, so they're like scoot all the way close to the wall. That's so awesome.

So you can't see it. But my roommate was the manager of the apartment complex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he could like shine a light under the desk in the back wall, under the computers. I mean, it looked like fucking loray caps. They didn't even bust in their own hands. It looked like where Tom Sawyer went missing. Yeah, remember that show on MTV Room Raiders?

Yeah, of course. It's dead, Nick. We gotta charge the jewel. I have to charge her upstairs. I actually have a special kind of e-cigarette that you could use, Nick. What is it? It's really cool. It's really cool.

That's what they call it. Would you like a euro-cigarette? Would you like a euro-cig? Yeah, it's really cool. It's warm. It's not cold metal. Oh, really? It's warm.

It's already a body temperature. And it's got a nice salty taste. Oh, that's it. And you suck on it. Okay. And you suck on it for like... It's got nicotine. 12, 14 minutes.

With your eyes closed. Do you get cloud from it? Can you get a certain kind of... The thing is, cloud starts as a liquid form. Oh, that's right. It's a vapor. So this, you swallow a little bit of this juice, this cloud. And you don't need any for days.

Yeah, I just remember that Rory Scovel joke. What Rory Scovel joke? He was like, yeah, my dad called me smoking cigarettes. And then he made me finish that pack in front of him. And then he made me jack him off with my mouth. Here's the thing. It's like, I've never smoked a cigarette since then. But I can't stop sucking guys off.

I miss Rory, man. He's the funniest guy. It's weird, because I guess he probably still does stand up. But he's like an actor. Yeah, he just became famous. What was it? What's he on? That's it.

He was in an Amy Schumer movie, right? He was on the Bo Burnham MTV show. What show? Oh, yeah. The one where Bo Burnham's trying to get famous or something. And then he was, he's in a movie with that hot bitch Rose Burn. A show. But I think it's on Apple TV.

I saw her IRL the other day. You did? She's so hot. She's unbelievable. She's married to a hot guy. Who? How hot? I forget now.

But I saw them at the. That's so fucked up, dude. How hot? And it's red man. Is it Bobby Cannibal? Oh, dude. He's a piece of ass. He deserves it.

Yeah, I was going to be mad, but that's a hot guy of respect. He's not like a model. I have tremendous respect for him. Oh, that's awesome. Salute to Bobby Cannibal if he's fucking Rose Burn. Is Bobby Cannibal the guy with kind of the shovel face? Or I'm thinking the actor, the Italian actor, the guy that played Fredo, died of bone cancer. Yeah, that was in five movies.

He was a good actor. Yeah. Look at them. They look great together. I thought that was Armand Assanti when I was a kid. Who's that? A different actor. I always confuse him with that guy that was at your old gym.

The Jewish Bobby Cannibal. John Bernthal. John Bernthal. Oh, that's a hot ass. They're a similar. I think they go out for the same roles. You think so? Yeah, you know what?

But Cannibal could have played Tony Sopreno's dad. Yeah. They do. Yeah. John Bernthal. We're due for a fun John Bernthal movie. I feel like there hasn't been one this year. You know Bernthal.

Of course. Yeah. We're all friends with him. Yeah. He was the Adam Texum sometimes. Yeah. I got his number. Out of the phone book, too.

Yeah. He's listed. Yeah. So weird. Yeah. I did the most cringe thing. John Bernthal. You're not.

It's been weeks, Adam. It's been weeks. It's been weeks. It's December. It's Christmas season. Back in New York City. Yeah. We've missed each other since the cabin.

We had a great time. Yeah. It's been. I miss you guys. Stav lost 150 pounds. I lost 150 pounds. Yeah. He actually looks kind of sick.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you get a parasite or something? Well, yeah. Ever since we had those raw. It would be wild tartar to see you thin. I'll never be thin. But I mean, I would just want to see it.

Like if a computer could do it, you remember how they were like, this is what Jesus actually looked like? Yeah. Yeah. This is thin stuff. This is biblical stuff. I don't want to be thin, but I do want to listen. What's the fucking tour?

You pull Matt Kazan. What happened to him? He moved to Vegas. He got like a hot young Russian wife. Yeah. And then got really into juicing. Oh, yeah. He loves juicing.

Yeah. His Facebook was all like, he'd be like, check out the hall today. And he'd show us fridge. With fridge vegetables. And he was just stuffed with like lettuce. Yeah. It's crazy that his name's, because I know it's Kazan, not Kazan, but he looks like a genie too.

I think that's one of those things where you kind of chicken or the egg. It makes you, you live up to that. I saw a couple of Sikh teenagers coming out of like, I think Ikea. Did you want to seek their dicks? I did. Seek and destroy it. Yeah. But they were clearly high.

And that's got to be awesome. You call the police? To be a Sikh teenager and get fucking high as shit. Then you go in the bathroom. You're like, like three wishes, bro. Whatever you want. You think they forget they're not genies? They're like, damn.

Where the lamp at? I try chilling the lamp. Can I do a, just a thought I had crossed my mind? Please, please. A minute and a half ago. Yeah. It's an unfunny, probably 1990s observational comedy. Don't, why are you so self aware right now?

What's ever stopped? Has that ever stopped you? No, no, and it won't. And I'll never stop. Okay. The first guy to do steak tartare had to have been an absolute fucking psycho. Yeah. I'm going to put a raw egg in some ground beef.

And this is going to be fancy. Yeah. I want to be at the meeting. I want to be at the, I would love to be at the meeting where they decided that. Yeah. They're like, we need to make a new food. Right. Yeah.

And it would go a little. How would it go? I want to be at the board meeting where the fucking guys like steak tartare. Yeah. Hey, how about steak? Well, we don't cook it. Okay. Let's take hamburger meat.

Yep. Let's put a raw egg. I miss the underlying reference. Well, it's just a crazy thing to invent. I don't know what it is. Steak tartare. I don't know what it is. You know what steak tartare is.

I would imagine a French. You get it a French. Steak. No, it was a raw meat. I've never had it. You've never had steak tartare? It's really good. You get it. It's raw ground beef.

I order a paté all the time and I don't know what it is really. It's liver that's cooked. It is cooked. And then it's like blended liver and fat. Yeah. It's good. It's tasty when you get the good shit. Yeah.

I don't. I just like sort of cruise through life. Yeah. There's a lot of things I don't pay attention to. Oh, yeah. Here's a really nice one. Because I fixate on bullshit. This one looks good.

That looks great. You know, I had some for those of you who want to know the picture we're looking at. Like I know different types from the local palette Mediterranean beef tartare with pickled Vidalia onion, different types of elevators. Yep. But I remember being at a Anheuser Krupp. Isn't that one of them? Sure.

I think that's a beer company. Krupp. Isn't that? Anheuser Bush. I think you're thinking toilets. I'll say something. I went to see world with my family as a child, which I think was owned by the Bush people, Bush Gardens, and they had Clydesdales there.

I think it was when we went to see world and there was a horse, a Clydesdale named Duke, who had Anheuser Krupp. Is that something? Anyway, this horse had the most incredible penis I've ever seen in my entire life. The most... How awesome was it? It was the biggest cock I've ever seen in my entire life. Do you think the only reason horses let us ride them is because we're wearing pants?

If a horse could see your dick and then you tried to ride it, it would be like, no, what? They think our legs are dicks because they don't have human legs. They think we're birds with like two big dicks. Two big dicks. Yeah. Or wouldn't we be like, oh, I'll let this bird land on me. Sure, it's got a bigger dick than they do. Oh, so because it respects us, it thinks our dicks are bigger than it's?

Right. I can't imagine being a horse. They've been over the years so nice to us. Some little dick bird. Well, it has a big dick, I thought. Well, yeah. If our pants are off. If the pants are off.

I still think we're bird. Mm hmm. Well, they're dumb. They're horses. Yeah. You don't think about that. I wonder what a horse feels like. Like if, imagine you put your bear balls on a horse's back.

You would think that they would get annoyed. Here's the thing about a horse, right? You would think they would want to break it. You want to have a smaller dick because they're racing animals and you want to cut as much weight as possible. Well, sometimes it's a drag. Like it's horses might be the only species where like the women's sports are as comparable. Yeah.

They have fillies that win like Kentucky Derby's. Well, they race women against horses. They let women know they let the lady horses. What's it? You don't mean you don't mean female jockeys. They would still lose. They would. Yeah.

You need a little Mexican guy. Yes, absolutely. My dad, my dad went on vacation with his family and they were like on a horse trail and the horse broke and it galloped. And my grandfather was like that boy's a natural equestrian. He's also a short man. And he said, I think it's one of his greatest traumas. His dad took him to a stable to be measured as like a potential jockey.

Your dad, his my grandfather took my dad to a stable to be like measure. He was too big. I don't think I don't think he went into jockey. He didn't want to be a jockey. I mean, it's pretty embarrassed. Your dad's little, isn't he? He's not crazy. I'm crazy.

He's like five six. Yeah. That means he's probably five seven. Now you're lying. He's probably smaller. Why would I lie? He's taller than it. Are you taller than dad?

We're about the same. Yeah. I'm taller. He's taller than his dad. Yeah. I feel like you're supposed to do that. You're supposed to be. Yeah.

If you're not, you should kill yourself. I'm shorter than my dad. My dad might be. I got an inch on me. I'm shorter than my dad. And I'm the same. We should kill. My parents have shrunk, but my mom used to be the same.

Really? Yeah, they're old. That's hot. What about her tits? Same size. Show a little respect. What? Am I asking a question?

I would never say that about Venetia. You have said, you said you wanted to fuck her, I think. No, I just said that when she hugs me with her giant tits, it feels comforting. And it does. It feels, I feel so loved. I feel like no matter what, if I have kids, they'll probably be taller than me. Your cords fucked up. But they'll be taller than me when they're like 10.

Yeah. That's going to be terrible. Yeah. Is there already not going to respect me on like an emotional? Of course. Of course. Of course. Well, you won't be in their lives.

Yeah. That's not a big deal. Well, through Wikipedia. Yeah. The course. Yeah. When they, yeah. It's really cool in that movie boyhood where Ethan Hawke like doesn't have to be in his

son's life because he has a cool enough car. Same thing. Never seen it. I don't like movies where people don't get shot. Angels in the outfield. That's a good point. No one gets shot and remember the Titans. Yeah.

But it's implied. There's implied violence. There's racism, which is a type of shoot. A type of shooting. And a guy gets his shit fucked up. He gets paralyzed and dies or some shit. Yeah. And a car accident.

And any people. Okay. Violence or someone calling, making fun of a guy calling them gay. Really? They do that to sunshine. I just mean hazing or violence or something. Shout out to Ethan in front of the show too. Oh yeah.

Absolutely. Oh yeah. Yeah. You could pull, you could probably pull an Ethan move. I could. Yeah. Once this show. You know, I told you how I started talking to him.

What's to put you on a programmer? Yeah. Boys, I'll fuck with that guy. How I started talking to him is I DMed him. I think I was probably all coked up. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, you got to help stop.

I was like, I don't know how to get through. Dude, you know what? I think some criticize. You know what? I am doing. One thing I would love to do is Ethan could help me. I wish it could be a looper situation where Ethan could help me now. Yeah.

When I go back in time and I help fat Ethan believe in himself and get pussy when he's like 500 pounds. Maybe he was getting pussy. He wasn't. We've talked about it. No, you'll probably hate it himself. You're going to. Yeah.

Yeah. And so, dude, he didn't get pussy off of being a Nazi. I mean, he got pussy. But he could get the amount he could. You're going to finally allow yourself to be in a relationship with someone that cares about you and then you'll lose the weight. That's probably true. But then you're, you will absolutely turn into one of those like change your life guys.

Yeah. Well, I think, but I also think we all should change our lives. I'm barely. I'm not that guy now is because change nothing. I'm in the middle of the I'm in the middle of the battle. No. No one wants. No one wants a fixed clown.

They want us broke. Yeah. They want broken toys. They want broken toys. Maybe they also want maybe one of the pills. One of the best things for my career. They want pills or do they want? They do want dick pills.

Do they want something else also? Very good. Observation. That's what I'm here for. Boys. Very observational. Dick pills are literally and figuratively. You carry a lot of weight.

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I've popped a couple of blue shoes and busted. I like to tell myself I don't need blue shoe. But then if you think about it, it's like I don't need any drugs. Exactly. But this is the. You've busted fast. Oh my God.

I don't buzz that fast on the chew. Really? I think it makes my dick too hard that sometimes like sometimes my dick will be very hard and I'll really I'll really do some damage pussy pound and wise. Yeah. Sometimes to switch it up. I go natural.

My dick ain't, you know, it's it's it's huffing and puffing to the finish line. I don't want to little engine that could, but it does. I feel like the you know what I won't even say because we're the middle. Yeah, I was about to say the same and I actually just remembered I was lying and my dick always feel better feels better in both whether I'm in both categories.

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Yeah. Ice wise beats them all. 100%. And the customer service is second to none. Honestly, my favorite feature of Bluetooth is you only have to like go through the approval thing once. Yeah. So what you do is you sign up for the fucking the ridiculous

one like 90 pill. Yeah, the 800 million. Yeah, you pay you just pay up front for the monster package. Yeah. And then you realize you're like, all right, I have 5,000. Yeah. I've had sex three times. And you just go on the website and you hit pause.

They don't have it. There's no can. I mean, you can cancel your subscription. Yeah. But unlike literally anything else, I mean, yes, like this, you know, NetFlow, I don't know if you can pause your subscription with it. It's impossible.

Yeah. With Bluetooth, it's a click of a button. You use all the dick pills and then you scramble and you scramble back crawling. Crawl back to daddy Bluetooth. Yeah. You have to hit a button. You can't even hit resume subscription.

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I just want to close this wrong. If Bluetooth is listening, which they have to, that poor woman has to listen to all of these. It's a woman? Yeah. Oh, I would use my sexy form. Yeah, they have to make sure that we do our job. Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, but I don't care if it's a guy listening to make sure I do my job. Yeah, fuck guys. A pill that prevents. So you're saying it's a hot chick and she's touching herself. A pill that prevents. You ever get the, you ever like, like fuck up the bottom of your tongue, like going down on someone?

Sure. Of course. What do you, what? On the down stroke. The, like the, whatever the look. The bottom. That webbing shit. You cut it.

I guess I have a chip tooth. So maybe that contributes. Or you can be, you can be eating pussy too voraciously and it happens. Yeah, it doesn't happen to me. Yeah, I get all kinds of mouth and your fat lips, my tongue fucking gets fucked up. I only need like 30 to 45 seconds.

And the girl is screaming and exit. You know what I need help with is my shoulder. I'll help you sometimes. And I have to go get, I think I might have to go get surgery because I have a torn labrum. You can finger pop better. It used to never affect me, but your hand. No, my shoulder.

Oh, your shoulder. And it's, well, you know, I like to eat pussy while fucking, I do have a slap there. Yeah. And I, you got to eat, you got to mouth on the clip, finger pop the pussy hole. And that's why I'm bad at it. Cause that's, for me, that is like totally the pat on the

head, rubbing the. It's not a rhythm thing. It's a, I can't. Yeah, I just literally. It's my late. I'm talking about it right now. And I feel it hurting. It's just, I got to go with doctor.

What you said on the show, you're like, yeah, this, like, I never in my life is someone squirted from me going down. Oh, that's. I just don't know how to do it. I love it. I get busted. I get busted in my face like a little slut. Yeah.

And I love it. I'm just sopping wet. And the girl's like, do you want to have sex now? I said, it doesn't matter if I bust. It doesn't matter. Madam. What matters is female pleasure. So he's okay.

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I'm straight up. It's December now because you broke up in November. We all know. Well, you let me. You let me. You let me practice. And I'm trying to get over the car accident. And I just say I need an ad a boner pill ad bitch to get me

through this. You were giving me like lessons on your girlfriend. Then I killed her. That's what happened. Yeah. Because I used too much force trying to learn to learn. Yeah. And I want to say real quickly before we go on here and we have

a lot of talk about I it's December as we all know I've probably already announced. I've already announced the next leg of the Prince of Pleasure tour. The pleasure continues. I think I've already recorded my special. And if I hadn't if I haven't comes come see the warmup shows on December 5th or come see me in Boston December 9th

and 11th. I have a Pantheon coming up on the 15th of December and go to Stavi.biz. Very exciting. We are announcing the West Coast Swing. We got San Diego. We got Vegas. Nice.

We got Sacramento. I think Austin. I think I'm doing a Texas run. Austin, Houston, Dallas. So and it's my whole family will be there. Yup. Stavi.biz. More announcements coming soon but yes.

Nice. At this point I believe I have already announced this on the internet as we all know it's already December. And for the Boston show you were saying everyone named Kevin gets in for free. Everyone named Kevin. It's a pretty common name up there. Yeah, well that's amongst the Irish.

That's what the club feels I needed to do with tickets. All right. All the power to you. And I gave yourself a slap tear fingering. That's insane. Oh no, it's a football injury. But it was a magnet school. I'm like, is that the kind of effort people are putting?

No. I got a helmet to the top. I was swimming over this kid because I was tearing his ass up. I was in those tackle, you know what I'm saying? And we're playing at Morgan State University. We got the big lights. They got the high school team at the college stadium. The dick is hard.

I'm feeling amped up. The cuties are fucking watching me. And I'm getting I'm getting pressure on the quarterback. Now he was a scrambler. So I got I didn't I only got one sack, I believe, but I was beating my man consistently. You know what you mean by scrambler? He did happen to be an African-American.

Hip hop stop. We are quarterback at the time. Laquan Williams went on to play a special team for the Baltimore Ravens. Oh, very nice. So anyway, but yeah, this little cocksucker jammed his helmet up into my as I was swimming under your arm. Under my arm jammed it up. I was my move.

I felt the pop. It felt horrible. I had that happen to me. I was benching once and I was done and I was rewracking the weight and something like like it felt like, you know, we're forget the name of it, but like the tip of where your collarbone is your shoulder. Yeah. There's.

Yeah. To that bump, something popped there. Yeah. And it like, you know, like went down my arm. I don't know what it was. And then I forgot about it. And this was, I had like a writing job at the time. Yeah. And I went to work and sitting there was my arm was on fire.

Yeah. Something similar happened to me too. Yeah. Yeah. Where it was like, I was, there was like, I was a backup quarterback for the Miami Sharks and the coach was Al Pacino. Right, right, right. And the quarterback gets injured and they were like, listen, you're a flashy

young black man. He said that to you. Yeah. But we think you can carry the team and we're going to call you steaming. Willie Beaman. Yeah. Yeah. And basically, I don't know.

I was with you until you just bailed on the. I hate it. You got you. I was in. I was in. I was ready to yes. This is this is because I'm at this level now. I have to bail that often.

But don't say that about yourself. You would never bail like me if you just had don't do that. Don't all you had to do was describe. I was going to say it was you describe the movie. But then you just go into an Al Pacino. Yes, which is the easiest. That would require an impression. Dude, it's so easy.

Just try it. Go ahead. That's good. That's a good start. You missed it. We were outside. He's telling me about something Steven said and he tries to make Steven sound more Jewish than right, right, right.

When in reality, he's way more Jewish. Yeah. It would require you gentiling up your voice. Not chewing it up. Al Pacino is Jewish. No, Steven. Oh, Steven. All actors are Jewish.

De Niro. All those great German. Not only that, but they're all like Al Pacino five one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all so tiny. Pesci four foot three. Dude, Pesci. That picture of Pesci was just a hot ass tall bitch.

Yeah, that's what I need to get on. I need a six to girlfriend. Yeah, a hundred percent and our and our kids are going to make the league, by the way. Yeah, you're going to get married to a chick that looks like the girl from Third Rock of this from no, no, no, no, no, no. She's going to have kind of a. She's going to be very hot sexy girl a little bit.

No, she was a big, big tall, like maybe a little bit like a butch. Yeah, but not in an unfuckable way. I'm I'll fuck a girl like that. No issue, but I'm not in a way that you. You would watch the big game with her and she she wouldn't be. I would love. I would love that, but I don't see that in my future. I would love.

I would love a girl who wants to watch the big game with me. Yeah, but I don't know. You'll probably get married to a chick like a Kathy Ireland. It's so funny because that's such a low standard to set. What? Like I want to meet a woman that will watch the Super Bowl. Oh, I don't mean the Super Bowl. Actually, but you know what big game I'm just in in general.

You're you're using the euphemism because we don't want to get sued for the copyrighted day. Yeah, I have no idea what you said. You that I'm using the words you said. Yeah, I didn't mean the Super Bowl. He just means like a little bit of a butch. Oh, I'm not butch, but like you want to chill. That's sure.

Fun. Yeah, I could see that. She could she could chill with just the boys and hold her own. Sure. These aren't bad things. I just I guess what the fuck did that bitch look like? Kristen Stewart. Is that her name?

Yes. David. Kristen. The reality is you should pick a partner based on their genetic profile. Okay. Because what? I mean, I don't know how to say it.

I know you think I mean it in a racist way. But you know, fuck the high. You don't want somebody who's going to like die. That's the word. That's the biggest bummer. Yeah, don't get married. You marry somebody five years later to get breast cancer or something. Can you imagine how embarrassing?

I take it back. I would absolutely marry. No, I'm saying she has like a vibe. Yeah. Attractive. Yeah, I'm with you. I didn't mean it in a way that you'll get married to a lesbian. I wasn't trying to say that.

I was trying to big in you up as your friend. I'm in there. I'm in there in a major way. Actually, now that I think about it. Gadica style arrangement. Indian Gadica. That's what I'm going for. No, I don't know.

You should do that. You got to do for love, dude. The love of the game. Have you ever been a temp? Is pussy? Have you ever attempted doggy with a girl that's taller than you? And that your femurs aren't long enough to actually get it in? I bought a bed specifically.

So that when I am standing up. A woman is at perfect dick height. Oh, you do a standing doggy. Wow. Because I don't have the mobility in my lower back or the height to fuck doggy with my knees on the mattress. A standing doggy. That's like Napoleon. I love standing doggy.

It's a noble way. You have no idea how powerful you feel. And when I'm on my knees, I'm like, I just don't have a nice base. That's why you got to go one leg up. You do the cap. One leg up is nice, too. But that also, again, that's lower back mobility. And I got to work on that.

But yeah, absolutely. And even standing sometimes, if the bed is too high, I fucked on my tippy toes in a mate a lot of times. I fucked on my tippy toes quite a bit. And that's where the calves come in. You're trying to see what mom's cooking all the time. That's where my calf strength comes in. From sex. Well, no, it's just an added bonus.

Because I have fucked a prolonged amount, both tippy toes. Does that fuck playing girls taller than me? Oh, you've pumped for multiple minutes on your tippies. I've pumped on my tippies. Damn, I'm terrible at fucking. You ever run out of breath on the bottom? Not breath. You never have to be like, I need to take a break from being fucked.

You're a cowgirl. Yeah. I've run out of dick hardness on the bottom. Honestly, I have a real goal in my life. Or I've run out of, I'll say this track because I like to grab and use fuck from the bottom. Be a power. Be a top from the bottom. Grab a girl by the hips and move around.

Yeah. My truck. That's that's when the gym. When I'm working out, I feel that's awesome. This is probably going to be the most hated episode. No, this is who cares. Talk. This is like after dark.

This is like sex in the city for the fellas. Yeah, I have an actual goal, and this is not a bit in my life. Me at a certain point, and it's not very long from now to commit to exclusive missionary for the rest of my rest of your life. Yes. Why? I think it is the most intimate and loving position. There's no reason.

Everything else is showboaty and flash. You don't ever want to eat ass from the back. No, I'm not a dog. I'm not a hip hop style quarterback. Just an old fashioned missionary. You can have a 90% missionary diet, but you got to keep. What about vacation? You're not going to fuck on the on the air on having sex with a woman from the back.

Is it because you want to be having sex with a homosexual man or maybe straight man. Yeah, or another straight guy. Yeah, that's your specialty. A short simulated gay sex. Okay. Right. That's fair. That's a fair point. But I recently watched a normal heart.

Oh, the HBO. HBO AIDS movie with Mark Ruffalo. Yeah. And only because it's like I was like, I'm in the mood to watch an 80s period drama. Did he get AIDS? And that was the first thing that came into my mind. Yeah, he did. Method.

But there's a scene where he's having missionary style sex with the man. Yeah, with the man, which like, you know, I mean, it's pretty graphic. Cause it's basically like soft core pornography, the sex scenes. Awesome. Do you see his cock? No, you don't. This is what I mean. It's soft core, but like,

But not even soft. The implicate like two guys fucking on camera. But like one of them is behind the other one. My mind's not doing any work. There's no like, get stalled there where it's filling in the rest of it. But two of the missionary, you got to like, You have to figure out the physics of it. You have to do the math.

It's like, well, how did building seven come down? Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. The guys, the bottom's cock is dripping. Yeah. It's just fucking like Snoopy on the doghouse.

Honestly. Sitting over the other guys. Honestly, I think, I think that's romantic. Yeah. Yeah. Of course you do. I think two fellas having heterosexual sex with each other is incredibly romantic.

So you approve of gay guys going missionary. Adam, do you also approve of the Ridge wallet? All right. I do. No. Wow. This is fun. All right.

Huh? What the fuck? What the hell? What? I was about to get up and get a beer. Well, now you're about to do your job. Okay. What?

You know, you did it. Why? It's not that I'm against getting you a beer, but you did it silently as if it's my job, as if I forgot to get you. No, I didn't want to order you around in public. Well, now, now guess who's getting his own beer? Okay. Okay.

I'll do it after the Ridge wall. So Ridge wallet is an exciting. And by the way, you're drinking it. You're drinking at 10 a.m. on this December day. That's crazy. As we all know, the death of my girlfriend was hard. Well, while I tried to lend me my way into learning how to, because I feel like I'm going to have to learn at some point, because eventually the pills are going to stop working, right?

Dick pills. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they got it. All medicine stops working. You go on a break and then you got a cycle on the different one. Yeah. You got to go for my accuracy hours.

Yeah. It's like going from steroid to HGA. It's a real crisis. You know, like some people are like, Oh, I'm 30. I don't know how to build a deck or whatever. Right. Yeah. I don't have a fucking shoulder.

I have a shoulder injury. I've never aggravated. Right. I didn't even know the shoulder was supposed to be involved. Yeah. I thought it was all like wrist. I pretend to get away with that. Yeah.

You know what I do? I close my eyes. That's what I do when the shoulder locks up. I'm reorganizing files on my desktop upside down. And you got to get both. Yeah. You can go. So when the shoulder goes, I go wrist, but then, and then you, if you really need to,

you can go finger and then sometimes I go. Yeah. The whole body. Yeah. I barely have room for my fucking peanut head and my hands. It's tough. You have a like a full size, huge head, agfare, competition, pumpkin size. Huge head.

Yeah. I got titties and arm fat that gets in the way and a fucked up shoulder and still I rock. And you nevertheless fucking like a champ. Nevertheless, he persisted. Very impressive. Thank you. Yeah. That's more impressive than anything.

And I think about Elizabeth Warren when I'm doing anything that or whoever it was. Yeah. Who was the one who they made that thing? Was it Hillary? Yeah. Because she lost like a like a brain. Was it really about her? Yeah.

I don't know. Anyway, father and son team Daniel and Paul Kane launched the Ridge wallet on Kickstarter in 2013. And now it sits in the front pockets of men of over a million men and women worldwide. That's that's honestly really impressive front pocket. A million. Yeah. The two have since recruited a small close knit team to execute on their vision of creating

quality and functional products at Ridge. And we're part of the Ridge, the three of us are on the payroll stockholders. We prefer to do more with less. It's not just a remark on resourcefulness. It's a call to maximize your life by minimizing what you bring along because you don't need everything to be prepared for anything. We're streamlining daily life through quality products, redefining the everyday essentials like wallets, backpacks and chargers with minimalist designs that don't sacrifice function

by eliminating excess and building a performance grade. We turn the items you carry every day into tools for better living. Oh, yeah. Carry less. Live moss. Suck more. Carry less. Anyway, with the promo code.

Come down or come down. I think it's come down. Why don't you go put some in the cart? Find, find, pretend you're shopping on the website and walk us through. Yeah. By the rich. I'm going to go, I'm going to go to the best sellers because I, I don't like, I don't like leaving the crowd.

You know, I like being just a, just a face. Sure. Another. I'm going to buy the 18 karat gold plated two hundred and twenty five dollar ridge wallet. Please do. I'm going to add that to the cart. Yup. And by the way, well, I'm going to check out folks.

Remember to get your stop. You baby. Twenty twenty two calendars that are now for sale. Yes. And the code is after all come town one word or two to find out. Come town. Do you want to integrate stores? I could probably, because I have to switch over to a bigger company.

And that saved me. Yeah. That saved me a really decent job. Anyway, so it's the promo code is come town and I got a big discount. I won't say what it is. You guys can find that out when you're buying them. What it is. How much money did you say twenty three dollars?

That's a lot of money. That's real. That's real. That's that's a that's a romantic evening with your lover. That's a lot of fucking anyway. So go to Ridgewall dot com put in promo code come town. Tell them about the bags. The bags are fantastic.

Right. Yeah, I'd love to know more about the bags. I can only, of course, so they have a commuter bag. I've taken it in the rain because they're waterproof. I can only speak to the small bag. I can't. I'd love to speak to the larger backpack or even the duffel bag. But unfortunately, my expertise is only with the little bag.

And it's very good. The backpack is waterproof. I had used it in the rain several times. And I was like, this thing is great. It's waterproof. Got home. A book I had was soaking wet. Well, that was user error, though.

But I left it open. But I was pissed for a moment there. You were like, fuck Daniel and Paul came. And when I realized it was my fault, I was even more mad. Right. And fuck myself. I'm humiliating. I'm going to go to the HQ and kill them and then kill me.

Yep. Which was a parody. Parody. Parody. On Minecraft. Anyway, so check out Ridgewall. The bags, the products are fantastic. They have a slot for a charger.

And you can slide the cord through the backpack. Walk around like you have a corded phone. Isn't that cool? We walk around with these cell phones. And it's like, who's in charge of what? Who's controlling who? Yeah, exactly. Is there a re-control on the phone?

Well, it's just nice. There's a phone controlling us. That's a good question. But when you have it corded, it feels like the old phone. It feels like the old phone when we were the masters of technology. The old phones. Right. When guys were guys and games and chips knew their fucking place.

Right. Do you want the duffel bag for real? I'll take it. Don't fold on that. It's become more of a me. You want to know what the use was? What was that? Remember when we got all those baseballs to do home run derby?

Did you bring the baseballs? I didn't. Come on, dude. I brought my glove. That was holding all of the baseballs. And then what did you do with the baseballs? I'm going to get rid of them. Because we're not going to get rid of them?

Yeah, we're not going back out there. Battered, blame and shelter. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are going to do home run derby? We went last fall with Matt and Will. Nice. And then most of it was fishing balls out of the puddle.

Yeah. Prospect Park. Yeah. Which ended up for me being more fun than hidden dingers. Yeah. Because I had to figure out a system. I think we had logs. Yeah.

Big puddles. Yeah. Destroyed a pair of shoes. Who had the best? Who hit the most dingers? Oh, I was just going yard long dogs. It was you? You were the best one?

Bat flips. What style? Who was it? You, Matt? Who? No, Matt was just... Who's hanging? Head and shoulders above it.

Really? No. That would have been shocking. Yeah. You, Matt. Was it Nick? I think it was probably pretty even between me and... No one did well.

No, we're not. I don't expect any of the four people listed to be good. Yeah. And then I fucked up my elbow just throwing the ball. Yeah. It's tough. Dude, it's wild how your joints... They're gone.

Yeah. They're immediately gone. They learn how to do like the five things you do. Yep. And then even still with that, you're going to... You'll hear a pop. You'll hear a pop out of nowhere. A day you're feeling good.

Yeah. It'll just pop. I feel like if I reversed the hinges on my refrigerator, I'd have to go to the hospital. Just it opened on the left side. It was a novelty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would break my, you know, my entire... Oh, yeah.

My body's garbage and being on the road every weekend is not helping. But once the Prince of Pleasure tour, the pleasure continues, once that's over and about June. And by the way, we're coming to a lot of places. Just keep your eyes peeled, folks. I'm trying to go everywhere. Once that's over, I think I'm going to do another health retreat where I just disappear for like three months. You know where you used to do a show at a maximum security penitentiary? I'll roast them.

Oh, you'll do crowd work? I'll do crowd work. With hardened criminals? I want to do staff raw stuff. You know what I want to do is I want to take a stab at the Chappelle stuff. Yes. Because I think I can be there. Yeah.

I'm going to be the guy. Well, you need a jacket that says Mullen on it, that has the M. You need an M logo. Oh, he does wear a lot of Chappelle branded stuff. All the time. Yeah. That's a tough look. Yeah, you can't do that.

Did you watch the special? I didn't actually. No, I didn't watch it. I'll watch it now if you guys want. Yeah, let's watch it tonight. I don't know what to watch. Stand up. Watch it until we turn.

It'll barely be stand up. Watch for like four. But I'll be interested. Yeah. Well, let's watch. Fine. When I got back into the other night is Pablo Francisco. Hell yeah.

Best comic dude. It's just so good. I do the first time at the inner world bit dropped. Tortilla boy. Dude. That was my favorite. That was my favorite Santa when I was like 12. Oh, comedy used to be so much better.

Absolutely. It's really it's fun. Like even, you know, like the guys that are like, you know, I guess our age. But, you know, they're like sharp during their time or whatever. Yeah. Very funny guys. You're soders. Yeah.

So does Shane. Yeah. Even like Tim. Yeah. Yeah. It's still it feels like they're where they are because there's a vacuum because Pablo Francisco is not doing work. Well, I feel like in total comedy was better fucking 20 years ago.

Well, I think those guys are, I think there would just be more in varied acts with them. Well, that's what I mean. They're the like God. They're the because that style of standup was around in that generation. Yeah. We're missing. We're missing like guys who just are. Yeah.

Do voices. Yeah. Act theatrical. Yeah. Cat Williams. You know what I'm saying? Like and you got to think is it because I'm like old could be with somebody that's like 18 watch the Pablo Francisco tortilla boy thing and say this is the worst shit I've ever

seen. I don't know. I feel like that might translate even more than like. Really, really good stand up of its age. Yeah. As much as I love stand up. I think it doesn't hold up for the most part. I'm way more down to watch his presents than the Chappelle thing after this.

Okay. I think I remember every bit. I watch this so many times. Okay. Well, I don't know how we're going to watch it. YouTube. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. What are you doing? You done? No. You getting a beer? No. I got my beer. Yeah.

Drinking beer. That's another thing that used to be great. Yeah. Yeah. Hey man. Maybe it's time. It might be. I was thinking, you know what?

We do a Europe to a final European. Yeah. Yeah. Or we just go to vacation in Europe. That's our swan song. Well, what I wanted to do is there's that, you know, there's like, like monk beers, the trappist beers. Yes.

Yeah. There's one. There's a brewery. You have to like ride a bicycle too. You only sell the beer. The fat tire brewery. No. Yeah.

Because they have the bike on them. That's true. They do have a bike. So it's like getting exercise. Yeah. Yeah. But there's one you have to indulge in. You have to ride a.

You're going to relapse there? Yes. You know what? I support that. Because that took a lot of effort to get there. That's special. You had a hundred times to change your mind. But here's the best part.

You have to drive when you leave. You have your car shipped there. Yeah. You have to soberly ride a bike. We have to drive through very narrow roads. That's awesome to be a monk, to be a guy in just like a Franciscan robe. Yeah. And you're just making beer all day.

They're still doing that. Yeah. That's pretty chill. You can see why like, you know, whatever this, I guess like adivistic trend of wanting to be like a clergy member from 600 years ago. I don't know what that word means. What clergy member? Adivistic.

Yeah. Like something that's like... Gay? Well, like a... Gay and fucking annoying people want to do it? No, I know what that word means. You know, like a super throwback. You know?

Yeah. Retro. Yeah. Retro. That I could get into if you were like, oh, it's my racial duty to make beer in a church all day. Yeah. Yeah.

I get that. That's the one... Like, all these kids pretending to be Catholic is fucking so annoying. But if you threw it back to like, yo, we're just hanging out with the fellas. We're gonna cut the middle of our hair off. I love that. Yeah. Just the bald yarmulke.

And we're just gonna say fuck getting pussy is just the fellas and we're gonna chant and get fucked up all day. Just chilling with people. Oh, my clothes on with a robe. That sounds... That is the first religion that... Yeah. But not getting pussy ever.

Friends with squirrels and stuff. Yeah. Also, didn't the guy who did... Didn't the guy who did genetics, wasn't he a monk? I don't know. Darwin? No. What the fuck was his name?

He did like ex... He figured out alleles. He figured out alleles. Oh, shit. What the fuck was his name? Mang... No. Mengele?

Allel? Mendel. It was Mendel. Oh, Mendel. I remember that name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was a monk. So you could even do little science projects, basically, is what I'm saying?

Yeah. If you could just get pussy, like, every three weeks, then I'm in. Just to clear your... Just to clear your head. Yeah. You're not allowed to... You're not allowed to jacket, either. You can jacket.

In your chambers. In your fucking chambers. You're just going to stop. In your wooden bed. Yeah, I'm going to need... You know what? I'm going to need good mattress, too. Oh, do they sleep on, like...

If we just... If we sprinkle a little bit of modernity into this, and I basically mean just... I'm going to need the Helix mattress plus size. It sounds like what you want is just a robe. You could just get that and continue. You could just get that for your apartment. Yeah. That's all you really need.

You're right. You can still do stand-up. You're actually right. I live with one of my best friends. I just hang out all day. You're right. I just... I just want a robe.

Yeah, your life is better. My life is so... Yeah, it's pretty sick, honestly. Yeah, that's great. If I wasn't on the fucking road so much, but that's my dumb ass choice. I'm just going to stop doing comedy. Yeah, that's it. That's all I meant.

I just quit my job and fucking hang out. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to fucking make beer. Fuck that, dude. I'm going to live in my apartment. I'm going to play at the PlayStation. Those monks are probably like IPA monks. Yeah, and I'm going to put as many as I want.

Fuck monks. I just decided to home brew. Yeah. That's actually a stupid thing to want. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, dude. Yeah, so we're going to watch Pablo Francisco. Yeah.

Cat Williams. Make some popcorn. Yeah, I do want to, I guess, watch some of that. I want to watch it too. So we can just actually tell Adam to suck our coffee. So afterwards, I don't care. I'm a team player. I said this already.

Who's angry in the right way, you know? Yeah. Did anyone like it? Was anyone like, this is good? I think some people do. Comics, though? I haven't asked. Yeah.

I wonder if people said it was good. I think most of it is just like kind of... Chappelle gets a pass because he's a legend. More than the special was good. Yeah, I agree. Is what I think. But I wasn't even really paying that much attention. And what's the story at the end?

There's a trans person who knows they killed themselves. I don't know if that was the last... See, that's the other thing. Even if this was a good special, he's been talking about trans people for like three in a row. So maybe a little fixation. To be fair, though, everyone talks about... Eddie Murphy. Who sucked one all.

He loves to give them a ride. If you were only on social media, which is probably what the problem is. He probably just looks at social media all day. Which is crazy. You would get the impression that that's the only conversation. I guess, yeah. But I mean... Or one of them.

Plenty of stand-up specials don't fucking have to talk about that. Name one special in the last year that hasn't entirely been about trans people. Cat Williams sort of folk trans people special? Yeah. That was tremendous. Yeah. Monument. I would love to see that, actually.

Yeah. So fun. He would really knock that out of the player. That would be awesome. I feel like he still hasn't found out about them. Nah, he knows. But once he does. He knows.

Yeah, how would he not know? He's from Atlanta, dude. He's fighting kids. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you're right. It's a pretty gay place. Atlanta? It's a pretty LGBTQ place.

Oh, yeah. I've spent much time there. It's nice. I love Atlanta. Really? Hot Atlanta. Yeah. They got good fucking restaurants, bro.

Do they? I don't know. I think I'm actually going to be there as well. In March, maybe. I don't know. Stay tuned, folks, to these podcasts that are recording live. Back in New York. It's so good to be back in New York.

It feels good, yeah. And we apologize. 9-11-2 has already happened. We don't have to clutch our pearls about it. And this time, the Jews admitted it was them. Yeah. Yeah. This time we kept it real.

I warned you. What's going on with the, there's like new JFK stuff. Is there? Declassified or? What did they say? At Oswald, I think some guy said that he, a guy that was in like part of the CIA's anti-Cuba thing, where they got like Cubans, like rich Cubans to fight for the Bay of Pigs shit. I think a guy like that claimed that Oswald trained with him in Guatemala.

And what does that mean? Because the CIA did the camp. Oh, the CIA trained? Yeah. I thought we knew that or something? I don't fucking know. Yeah. They're never going to.

They fucking cares. They got away with it. It would be funny if eventually like five years they're like, okay, we did it. That would be awesome. Yeah. Everyone's dead. Here's why I think they did it for sure. Have you seen a video of LBJ when he's old and he grew his hair out?

No. That's the kind of man that like went insane from guilt and just grew his shit out. You think so? I think so. Maybe he was transgender. Maybe. Early. He had a big cock.

I'm a nice clit with that thing. Yeah. But web camming didn't exist back then. Yeah. So there was nothing. That's why it went crazy? Yeah. You had to wait until chatter bait existed.

Yep. Well, sorry again, folks. No, that's good stuff. Okay.