The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 289 – o brother paul blart thou

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

damn blew what could be a good riff on the title here. I should save write it down for when I get back into stand up as a cash grab

Check, check and check out, check, check, check, triple double check, check out pictures of my penis. Check out my penis. Just kidding, please don't look. Don't look, it's so small. Don't look. It's so small. This is gonna be a gossip. Oh yeah? What do we got?

Who's been doing stuff? Turns out Ian faking homosexuality. He's been faking being gay. He's gonna have to answer to this. Listen, don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. It's been really, I got into the cellar by sucking dick. Oh wow.

That is huge dude. That's a huge fucking announcement. You know, it's funny. It's like, you know who owns the comedy cellar? Who? You know who owns the comedy cellar. Oh right, right, right. Originally it was the comedy cell, S-E-L-L-E-R.

Interesting. Yeah. They would sell. Just comedy or selling stuff? That's where the name came from, the comedy cellar. Right. They would sell stuff. Yeah, about selling comedy.

Because they love money. I'm sorry, just kidding. Oh fuck. It's a beautiful December, crisp December day here. It is. Adam is, he is at the Monaco International Gay Sex Festival.

He had to go to the Monaco International Gay Sex Festival. He's getting his ass fucked by the crown prince of, I don't know, what's still around? What are some kingdoms? Dubai. Saudi Arabia.

Hungarian Empire still exists, I'm pretty sure. Hungary has a king. Well that's the thing, some people claim to be royalty, but the shit's over. Even though they don't have to do shit. That's true. Like we know about England and shit, but even like little ass countries have some shit like that, I feel like.

Yeah, some people are rockfellows or Rothschilds and shit. Right. I would like to get some Rothschild pussy. You know, somebody married a Rothschild or the fucking rapper J-Electronica.

Everyone was always like, where's the J-Electronica album? J-Electronica album. It was very highly sought after and weighted on. And everyone was like, why isn't he releasing it? And the answer is he knocked up a Rothschilds. A Rothschild. So he's like, you know, fuck them man.

So if you're some rich bitch that wants some fucking little working class blue collar uncircumcised cock up in you, giving you some fucking half greek gremlins in your pussy. And the breakers.

The gilded age mansion. That would be so fucking sick. Yeah. But alas, alas, I have to start my kingdom. You have to start your own, become your own royalty. I have to become my own royalty. Boylty.

No, not boylty. That's gay. Fellas, a whole planet full of fellas. Oh, so you're thinking we take over and terraform a planet. A terraform planet. All right, that would be kind of sick actually. Yeah. And there's no whores allowed?

It's not that they're not allowed. It's just that, you know, it's like, we're going to have to get pussy. You've got to figure out how to get there. I'm not fucking... I'm not telling you. Yeah, exactly. If you want to make your own spaceship. The problem is I don't actually know how to make a spaceship. And from when I watched...

Yeah, we could figure it out. You made breakfast today? I did. You know, we figured out how to use a laundry machine. Did you? I'd like to see a woman do any of that stuff. Yeah, I made breakfast, used every dish here. This kitchen is a complete mess.

Might clean it up at some point. Maybe, maybe not. Adam found that screwdriver in the garage. That's true. He put the TV together. He put the TV together. I, uh... I figured out where the basement is. Oh, there's a basement? Yeah.

Is there cool shit in there? No, it's kind of creepy. But that's where I should have been sleeping. Yeah, you should have been gothly sleeping in the basement. Trying to get tall from right on. Trying to have a mutant turn into a ninja turtle.

Should we put an air mattress down there and tell Ian those are his chambers when he comes? You think all those like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men and all those like genetic modification children shows is responsible for the identity crisis that people are suffering. That's why people want to be dragons.

They want to be mutants. I remember I wanted to fucking have some powers. It's funny because the real answer is everybody wants to be something other than themselves. And the more options you feel like you have the more wild it'll become. The more complex and shit our world gets.

It is nice because it probably is putting a dent on the suicide numbers. If you could just convince yourself you're fucking Tony the Tiger or whatever. Furries? 20 years ago you would have killed yourself. You would have absolutely fucking hate me. Right.

Even then you could just wear a dress. That's not my vibe. I'm not a dress guy. Even then it's like you'd really get the fucking shit kicked out of you. I kind of want to just be like a daddy tiger with a blue nose. And the blue tip of my dick too. It must be

it must feel so powerful to step into the furry suit if you're a furry. I was looking at some because they make their own suits. That's awesome. Can you imagine if you were trans and you had to do your own dick surgery?

That would be awesome. But if you did it and it was awesome how good you'd feel about yourself? It's interesting because then the worst trans people would be in Brooklyn. Because they don't have any skills. They're fucking terrible at everything. It would be like a bunch of zoom

recording equipment taped to their two H5s taped together to make a pussy. And then reclaimed wood pubes. A robo pussy sounds pretty cool though. Yeah, a big Edison light bulb clit. Mmm. And then they were

a slack beanie and right a fixie. Uh oh, fuck dude. You're not taking any fucking prisoners right now. You're coming hot for hipster circuit in 2006. Man. Up till 2015, they just like evaporated overnight. They did.

They all became labor journalists. They were craft beer guys. They became some of them even, they're like, they're just right about beer and their mustache until 2016 and then overnight it was like to support the craft beer workers at the dog shit head brewery

or unionizing. Fuck yeah! I didn't care about anything except what was happening in the mirror until four years ago. And then I realized I could get pussy from 23 year olds if I pretended to care about labor issues.

I somehow started caring about things and became an even more self centered piece of shit somehow. I don't know how that works. By what magic that occurred. Yeah dude. Where are the fucking

mumford and sons to ask mother fuckers right now dude. They all can't be those guys. We got money now. You get money, you get out of touch, you stop caring about things and it's like I feel that's true about myself.

I used to think minimum wage that we should raise that, that's important healthcare is important and then now I don't really give a fuck. Now you're agnostic on the issue. I don't care. Now you care about more PS5.

I don't care about anything. What's the burning passion in your life right now? Going out of town, going to a Perkins sometimes. You know. I think about getting a dog a lot but what kind of dog? I'd have to leave the city before I've been considered it.

You're a border collie. I'd be sick dude. Just let the mother fucker run. Have the other dogs in the neighborhood come by and fuck your dog because you don't have a gay dog. Me and the dog are both named Ernie. You changed your name.

And by the way, the other dogs would fuck your dog. You know what? You're trying to throw salt on this dream of mine. It's such a simple, modest dream to have a border collie named Ernie. And look, I'm just saying Ernie would be the gay. He'd be like the gay German Shepherd from Dirty Work.

Do you remember? Truth be told, I haven't watched Dirty Work since I was like 12. I watched it three times after Norm. Norm's tragic passing. What is that? What is leukemia? Your fucking blood is all fucked up.

That one's always weird to me because it's got a different name than other diseases. Everything else is like HPV, HPV. Cancer's got its own kind of cool name. Leukemia is cancer. There's like breast cancer, prostate cancer. There's leukemia

which has got its own... Is there cock cancer? Yeah, you can get cancer, anything. Any cell can get fucked up. That's what... What's his name? In Donnie Brasco. Al Pacino?

I got cancer to prick. I'm the only guy that's ever had it. What's his name? Lucky? Lenny? Larry? Lucky Larry? Lucky Lariano. Lucky Lariano? Lucky Luciano? I'm trying to suck your fucking cock.

I'm not sucking it, I'm just licking it. I'm licking it. If it doesn't go in your mouth, it's not fucking gay. I'm not a fucking Guguz. I don't suck no fucking cock. It's the secret Italian code. It's the Italian code of not being gay, technically. We lick it.

The La Cosa... La Caca-Sucra. La Caca-Sucra. I ain't no fucking finook. I just lick the cock. What do you cock-suck or just up to? If you want to write into the show right now. Yeah, call in. Remember we used to say to call in?

Yeah. Call in. Call in. Let us know what you're thinking. We got a guy here online, too. Right now. Oh, really? Yeah, let's see if I can... Hello, my name is... Damn, what's that sound like? Hello.

There it is. Hello. There we go. That's... That's telephone, boys. That's telephone. Because we can have that be the telephone. We could. My name is...

Frank Helmo. Okay, Frank, what's up? I'm gay. Really? Do you have a question? No. You just wanted to talk to Nick? My question was...

Where'd a pussy at? I thought you were gay, Frank. You know what I'm saying? Frank, I could have sworn you just said you were gay. I got COVID. I heard that you can cure it by getting some pussy. By getting pussy? I got that. Yeah, I got COVID.

That's awesome. I got an equinox in the bathroom. Are you a man in good shape? I'll tell you what the problem is. Be my friends if we don't have podcasts for a couple years. You have a podcast? I have a podcast. It's called...

I don't know who gives a shit. It's called I'm Gay and I have COVID. That's an awesome podcast title. I want to kill myself. Okay. But I feel what? Go ahead, you feel like what? It would be kind of...

It would be pretty pathetic. It would be pathetic to kill yourself. What do you also have? I'm about to be 32, Ernie. 33? I'm about to be 33. I don't think I said my name was Ernie. Oh, I'm sorry.

You're right. That's another guy I know. That's a different guy. That's a different guy. What I really have is... I burn out on everything. Uh-huh. But maybe once every month. There's maybe three and a half second with though.

Okay. Where I'm like, oh, I'm going to re-watch the Blair Witch Project. Okay. That does it for you? You never end up watching it? Never watch it. But it goes right up to the hole. Are there small pleasures in your life? Ernie?

Like what? Like a dark chocolate tumbler run? Dark chocolate tumbler run? Hey, you know what? Fucking the sun is shining. That's it. Maybe Sam, the Metroid Prime on Switch?

Nah, I didn't really know it for me. I was just... What about Mario Sunshine? Something to kill time with. I'll tell you what. I'm going to go. Okay, Ernie. I'm just going to... I'll catch up. I'll look at the news.

How about... I think there's actually another... There's someone on the line. Someone else on the line. Let's see here. Do you do that move? I think that'll do it. Hello? Hi.

Hi, can you get... Hello, am I on with the fellas? I think so. Hello. I don't really think I sound like I'm on the phone, really. Maybe... We're getting closer. You sound like you're on the phone now?

I don't think so. What about that? No, I'm just kind of... Now you sound... Now I can hear you breathing. Pretty hard, but... I don't really feel like I'm on the phone. I don't know. I don't really know how to... Who cares?

I have a friend who can't really express himself unless he's doing characters. And it's barely a character. Unless he's modulating his voice with his... Maybe the problem is he has nothing to express.

Right. And I don't really know what to tell him. Maybe at some point, yeah. You should stop. It's not a matter of expression. It's just accepting... That's how it's going to be. I think he should just accept life is gay,

but even in the gayest life it's a pretty easy one. And it makes it worse, doesn't it? I guess I can stop talking like this. Because it barely sounds like I'm on the phone. Yeah, it doesn't really work. That is really good stuff, man.

There we go. That is really fucking good stuff. And like we said, Adam is at the International Gay Sex Festival in Monaco. So we need... Monaco, you think that place is named after Monaco from Friends? Yeah, I do.

And I think she's got a nice pussy, by the way. Courtney Cox? Courtney Cox. No, so is she married? That's a weird name for a woman. Yeah, absolutely. You think it would be Courtney Vaginas? Yeah, exactly. What's David Schwimmer's name? David Pussies?

No, it's David Schwimmer. I'm going swimming. I'm going swimming. That's when you put a shirt on in the pool. I'm going swimming. I'm going swimming. But my titties, everyone can see them. Everyone can see

my breasts. Everyone can see my fucking tits. Rachel? Rachel? Rachel, don't look at my tits. Can I have any more heart of a dick?

Joey? Show me your penis. I was in the pool. I was wearing a shirt. And everyone can still see my nipples. Dude, I love this story about Charlesville Defendant representing him in self-encoded

mind comp. And later he used the N word during his opening statement. And I don't know what an opening statement is. So the first thing that pops into my mind is like the just that star word. About two years ago.

In the city. In international parasite. Controlled the banks. Yeah, I respect that guy. I've been like, yeah, I'm racist. Have we said loop guy sucker before? I don't think so, but that's had something to it. Zero.

What's his asshole opening up? Guy sucker. Come to the straight side. You have an ancient power, Anakin. What's that? You were born a slave, but the truth is,

you're supposed to be a sex slave. You're supposed to suck on magically good. Here, try this giant cock that I have. It's been the same joke for five years. And the problem is, is the show will end, but that'll keep being funny to me.

And in my personal life, I won't stop doing this. I'd like to think that I'm tired of it. The problem is, you record it and you realize you're getting more and more emotionally immature as you get. Right. And there was a point where I was in probably my,

when I was 24 and I was like, okay, it's time to grow up and stop laughing and making this joke the same time. You gotta get better at comedy. And then the world started making me rich for doing it. And then, yes, you make too much money and you just stay in a

state of arrested development. I rapidly cycled between wanting to kill myself and wanting to know what Subobo's cock looks like. Wanting to suck Subobo. Whoa, look who came just in time to do his job. What? You're back for the

International Gay Sex Festival in Monaco? Yeah, we'll say that. And we still haven't fixed the cable, unfortunately. Sorry, folks, next week. No, no, no, it's fine. We haven't fixed the cable, but today's episode we promised the fans, we said we were going to do it for a while, but today is the day we

read Subobo's Wikipedia page. In its entirety. You've been waiting for it. Ah, fuck. Some motherfucking Bulba. A crafty, vicious Doug. Subobo became one of the Outer Rim's

most successful pod racers. Oh, that's who Subobo is. That sounds like a good name. I do now, yeah. I'm going to win. Let me see your pussy. Let me fuck your ass and pussy. Fuck you, Subobo.

I'm Anakin Guy-Sucker. All right. He's going to switch the cable. Fuck you. Fuck you, Subobo. You fucking homo. I've sucked my mom's pussy. Fuck you, Subobo. I'm a sex slave and you're a space

You're some weird bug space and I'm a sex slave. So who is Anakin's dad? Just a random guy? Darth Vader, dude. No. He is Anakin. Guys, I don't gas like me. Who is the guy that came in his

mom to make him? Do they ever get into that? Let's hear about that guy. Anakin and Skywalker are five. Maybe Han Solo. They really, they have like five characters that all just are each other's fucking... I know, it's fucking stupid. I can't believe they made that Daisy Ridley bitch

with Emperor's daughter or whatever the fuck, granddaughter. Although I would fuck Daisy Ridley. I got a riddle for her. My name is Lazy Diddler. I have a riddle for her. What's sort of hard and five and a half inches? And about to go in your mouth.

What's hard and soft and small all of it? Riddle me that, Daisy. What's this thing? This thing is like, what's hard and soft and small all over it? Egyptian guy being like your dick and he's like... No, it's your dick. And the door's opening and he's like, stop that.

Just pulling at it. It's not my dick. You're a weird little cat, dick. I have a different kind of dick. I have a human dick. It's in the sand. You can't see it because it's in the sand. So how's the show been?

Really good. We got Luke Scott Guy-Sucker. Luke Guy-Sucker, we took a couple phone calls. We took a couple phone calls? Who called? Oh, you know what? I don't think... Gay guy? Yeah, Anakin Skywalker's supposed to be Jesus. So he's believed to have been conceived

by the midi-chlorians, which are just... It's like a parasite. Anakin Skywalker's born to the slave, Shmee Skywalker. Shmee? From Captain Hook? The gay guy can't keep his shirt down. Oh, Captain!

My asshole is puckering for that alligator. Remember when he shaved the... the bird's ass? Instead of Captain Hook? Oh, in the cart too. The first thing that popped into my mind was the Bob Pask. Of course, of course. He plays baseball.

As a kid, and even now... I didn't believe it when my mom was like, that's the guy from Roger Rabbit. I was like, no, he isn't. You fucking idiot. It's Shmee. How dare you talk to her that way? Because I was a little kid, and I thought I knew everything. As a child, and even now, I wanted the Jolly Roger, Captain Hook's ship.

It's a good ship. I would love to live on that ship. You know what? You would be a good Captain Hook. Yeah. Yeah, why not? Nick? Yeah, of course. Being a little fucking weird, gay villain? Yeah.

Isn't it time to sell people fake drugs? Oh, yeah. Which one? Specialist? I don't know. While you guys are looking up, I think I have a show in Boston this weekend, or maybe that was last week. Boys Town.

And I have a pantheon with a hot lineup on the 15th that you made. You had your dick hard with blue chew when you had there. Okay, we'll finish the plugs after. But I'm coming to the west coast. San Diego, Sacramento, Vegas, Toronto.

Sounds like I'm also going to San Diego. Damn. For a funeral. That sucks, dude. I'm sorry. That's also copying Nick, because I believe he also went to a funeral in San Diego a couple years ago. That is true. That's weird. Shit, death comes in threes.

Do I know anyone in San Diego? But I have a friend. Uncles love dying in San Diego. They love wearing sunglasses on the back of their heads and then dying in San Diego. What is it about uncles? All right. So Blue Chew,

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and then I ask her to give it back to me. Yeah. And you ask her to chew it into your mouth like a baby bird. Like a baby and regurgitate it. And then you're like, well, give me like 30 minutes for this to kick in and then I'm going to play Xbox and you do whatever you want and then I'll fuck you after that.

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And I want to say go get your Stobby Baby 2022 calendars. Come see me on the road. The Prince of Pleasure tour. The pleasure continues. It's going on in 2022. Like I said, we got San Diego. We got Vegas. We got, I think, Vancouver. I think Sacramento, Austin,

Texas. I'm coming to you little motherfucker San Francisco, all of Texas. So yeah, right now we're back in the cabin. I don't exactly know, but it's coming. So go to Stobby.biz slash tour. I'm adding a whole bunch of Chicago, I think is happening in March. A lot of stuff's happening.

So keep your fucking Toronto. I'm trying to go everywhere, folks. So the pleasure continues and buy the calendar and buy Blue Chew and make your dick hard. Stobby.biz. Yes. Dot Pussy. Should I get Get Dot Pussy?

Get Dot Pussy. That redirects your tour dates. That would be awesome. You just have these confused guys coming to your shows. Dude, I would love to have Get Dot Pussy. Will we miss a goal? Man, you just fucking went up three nil on Tottenham

on the hot spurs. More like the cold spurs. More like the fucking losers. They had a Greek guy. He used to play in Olympiacos. Stelios Yanakopoulos. Stelios was what was on the back of his jersey. Sick.

They let Greek guys have their first names like we're Brazilian on the back of our jerseys. You kind of are the Brazilians of Europe. Brazilians of Europe, yeah. Stavros on the back of a jersey would look sick. Alchias, for sure. That would be cool. Now I'm just looking at pirate ships.

That's awesome, dude. I'm sorry. That's okay. I missed the show. Your flight just got in. My flight just got in, yes. From Bonaco. From where?

At the Grand Penis. Penis Alley. Well, I was working the festival. It was business, not pleasure. I was an employee of the Gay Sex Festival. What was it this year? I know you started cleaning out the glory holes. Last year was a lot more menial labor.

Social media. I'm doing some posts for them. I'm a greeter. Like a Walmart greeter. Try to get some of the top guys to do your podcast. Yeah. I see them walk in. I curtsy.

That's awesome. But you're doing mostly content. Doing man on the street interviews with the gay guys there. Yeah, I've been doing a lot of... And I think this is actually going to blow up. I might have to... Man on the Skeet. That's your ticket out, bro.

I think that might be my ticket out. Man on the Skeet. All gas, no brakes, but the gay version. Skeet Kid. All ass, no lube. No pussy. What is the deal with that? Adam's man on the street interview show.

Adam's man on the street interview show. I'm at the Folsom Street Festival in San Francisco. Looking for gay guys. Looking for gay guys. We should do a thing called Billy on the Skeet. And you can be Billy and you're cum drunk. You've got...

We put fake cum all over you. Maybe real cum all over your face. Whatever you're comfortable with. And then you're just like, I'm not even talking to the New Yorkers. And then you just burp up like, cum all over your shirt. And you're like, how do you feel about the ground zero mosque?

For one dollar. She didn't bring the fucking big cabs back. What do you think this guy is? Indian or poon job? Where you going? Billy on the Skeet, everyone. Billy on the Skeet. And that way you have two very different projects

that if one fails, one will take over. We're here in New York City. Trying every... Trying every whole car. I'm going to try and suck the guy's cocks. I drank too much cum. But I guess that's the premise of the show. So we're talking...

Why is the cum giving you so much mad indigestion? Yeah. Maybe you're not meant to try cum, dude. Maybe you're straight, Billy. I'm going to pull Rod Stewart's before we got started today. They got a three liter of cum now at Dollar General. I thought Bloomberg outlawed them.

The big serving sizes, yeah. Yeah, I got a big gulp full cum. You're watching Billy on the Skeet with Adam Friedland. And I'm Billy. Okay, Mr. whole all car guy. Ha! What do you like?

Am I... Civil War? Dude, that's... I still think about that. That's all right, man. That's all right, man. Yeah, what's going on? Are you okay? Did my breakfast sandwich come?

No, I was doing the character. You're such a good actor. Honestly, that's... It seemed like you had cum in your belly. Have you seen that movie with Adam Friedland? Something feels real to you. When I read the script for Billy on the Skeet, I looked over at...

I was dating Dennis Quaid at the time. And, you know, I had killed him. Wow. He had been composing for weeks on the couch. I didn't know that. I said, this is it. This is what's going to bring you back to life. And we can be in love again.

Yeah. And I proceeded to get regular drunk and then drink a lot of cum also on top of it. And then I went back over to the couch and I realized that I had hallucinated the script. There was no script. What about your relationship with Dennis Quaid?

That was also... And it was 2017. And you had killed a drifter. And I did. I killed a homeless guy. And you kept calling him Dennis Quaid. I kept calling him Dennis Quaid, but I was picturing, you know, in dreams when you're like, oh, that's Dennis Quaid, but it was actually

my cousin's fiance. But it was just a homeless guy. You know how it ended where it's like three different things. Of course, of course. Now your family's not talking to you. And I wasn't embarrassed by the murder or any of the other stuff, but I accidentally called... I raised my hand and called a mom.

Oh, that's weird. Yeah, like when you're at school, you call your teacher a mom. And then I woke up. Wow, dude. Shit, maybe this is all a dream. Or has it just begun? Right.

The butterfly dreaming of being a closeted podcaster or a closeted podcaster dreaming of being a butterfly. Used to say chung soon. What happened to all the butterfly tramp stamp girls? They're still out there. They're 46 years old.

They're yelling about vaccines at PTA meetings now. Yeah, they're chunked up, but they're getting their pussy stuffed still. They're absolutely getting fucked in the nature way. They're cheating. They're cheating or they're single moms and they ran through, for sure. Which is nice. It's good to know.

They're considering starring in Onlyfans, but not sure if they're over the hill or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they got to go a little bit more extreme just to drive the traffic there. I'm thinking of when I was 16, and a girl that was so hot when we were 16 got that and just had a kid, I think, like two years later.

It'd be great to video of like a... It's all been downhill. You busted. When I was 16, I used to jack off, for sure. It was a girl that was hot when I grew up. She got like an illegal tramp stamp before you were allowed. You're supposed to wait until you're 18.

You should have called the police on her. I should have been like, listen, there's a way we can stop this. You should have called the police on her. Yeah, yeah, I should have. It sucked me off here in the rec center. It sounds like it did. I dialed 5.511. That's how I got an emergency report.

I got an emergency report. That's Waldex. 5.5. You have to press 5 and 6 together really fast. Yeah. The same exact time and that's 5.5. You could play Hot Coral's Bones with the buttons. I remember that.

Also, early... There's a lot of that. Call of my cousin. I'd be like, what's up, you fucking... Yeah, that's a good one. Oh yeah, I forgot the physical sensation of the button. That's why Nick lords over the board so he could have his buttons.

You could use the board if you knew how to use it. I'm not saying that because I want to use the board. By the way, yes, you do want to do it. The way you just fucking said it implied I'm hogging the board. Once you come over here, touch all the fucking buttons you want, power. Except the one you touched that ruined the episode a week ago.

Right. Okay, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. That was awesome. I like doing it. It's nice to know the guitar riff is there.

Yeah. It's a reminder of simpler... Yeah. We need more sound effects. Yeah. We need to plug in a fucking something with 50 buttons. I might just get a separate

sound board that plugs into here. I like the going all analog. I love that. Pro analog. Yeah, we should get the mixing board from the Asia documentary, The Steely Dan. That'll be sick, dude.

Real professional setup. I am having a hard ass dick. Yeah, that'll be sick, dude. Maybe we get the Arnold from e-bombs world sound board. Who is your daddy?

I'm a cop, you idiot. Who is your daddy and what does he do? My brain is okay, whatever. It's a learning computer. Should we watch a Schwarzenegger movie? We should, dude. Let's watch True Lies. I would watch True Lies a couple months ago, but it's a very good movie.

What about Last Action Hero? I loved that movie so much when I was a kid. So did I. I was like, I hope that happens to me one day. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm like, I hope a movie becomes real and I'm in any movie.

I would take any movie becomes real and I fucking am in the movie. Radio flyer, I don't care. I'll be abused. I don't know what happens to that movie. Sounds bad. It is. Let's watch one of those two movies. Watch Nell. Let's all masturbate to Nell together.

What's Nell? It's about a mentally handicapped woman that... Is Angelina Jolie in that? I don't remember. I don't remember Nell. Do you see her tits? I honestly have not seen Nell since I was like... Sounds like a hot name. I would fuck somebody named Nell.

When Jenny Foster plays like a mentally retarded woman... Oh, damn. She's a fair old child. Never mind. I'm not interested in that. Cut off from the modern world, Nell is a wild child. He's lived her entire life. I think they showed me this in school. When her mother dies, she is found kindly

by Dr. Jerome Lovell. Who is fascinated by Nell and the language she has developed. Lavelle and the equally curious Dr. Paula Olson. Eventually camp out near Nell's cabin slowly introducing her to the larger world. She's never...

I mean, Ethan is in this as well. Look at that. I want to show you my penis. I just showed an Anak and Guy sucker. Yeah. And I want to show it to you too, Nell. I want to have sex with you. I've never had sex with a retard before.

I've never had sex with a retard before. I've never had sex with a retard before. I've never had sex with a retard before. Nell can't even speak. But... It's making me hard. It reminds me of the way my mother would speak Irish.

Oh, but... Oh! That's my language. That's the ancient language of of the M.I.L.M. Oh, but... oh! Good to pick up.

She just said I feel so beautiful as I have sex with a retarded woman. woman. Damn dude. Damn. I just thought about Angela's ashes and how sad that was. She's a challenge to be studied. She's been completely isolated and let us pick up childhood disease. Who says she can talk? Yeah, but it's some kind of language around her. Some kind of fucked up language. Yeah, it's some kind of retard language. She talks to me. She asked me to fuck her a bunch of times. Aye, she gave me consent. She was speaking her retard

language. You're the only one that knows the language though. Don't try and figure it out. She wants to stay in the cabin and suck my dick. Yeah, I don't think everyone wants to watch Nell again. I think you nailed it. Let's start with my penis. I've got an idea. Well, you don't say you're right. That's a good idea. Why don't we start with my penis? You gotta fuck her. She's got to be sexed into the real world. It's like joining the cribs. Goddamn. What a shit movie. I mean, I remember, I saw it as a child. I think it literally showed it to us. You can see Jody Foster's like ass or something. I remember it. I don't know what jacking off is, but one day I will. I'm going to come back to this. It's a damn

shame she doesn't go for fellas. You give me 10 minutes alone. Yeah, I'll give her a talk. I think I can get her change of tune. I'm just going to show up dressed like a lesbian. I'm just going to show up in a bowler shirt. I'm just going to walk up to her and throw my face and I'll be like, remember from silence of the lambs, big fan. Get the hell out of here. Very funny. Maybe I will fuck her dick. People do that to me all the time. That would be so dude. I would not like that. Jody good to see you again. I've got a gift for you. Williams for the last time. We're not doing your rewrites. Hold on. This fucking this is just this single shot of him like carrying her out of the hospital, but it's him to.

Oh, yeah. He's just running out. No, if I get on taking her back to the pussy, getting out of there. Fuck. Liam motherfucking decent. A sexy guy. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, we cover this. I think a month and a half ago. He's got a really nice. There's a call back to a month and a half ago when we all looked at his cock for about 10 minutes. That gift is you know, I was thinking, you know, I was thinking since when we get the boys here. Yeah. Maybe I should. Maybe that's the day I make a pork shoulder. Oh, yeah, it's got a Monday. It's got to get a big fat pork shoulder. God damn it. Fucking. You also want to talk about fucking God fucking. Yeah, we want to talk about a spot. Yeah, it's fucking. It's

okay, man. Fuck. It's all right, dude. I was too busy out in the woods. Dude, that just means the episode is going to end quicker. Yeah, what do we do? Put a wall around my cock? What are we talking about? Cushy dreams. Cushy dreams. Guess what? That was the one that was on top. Wow. Cushy dreams offers a full lineup of premium smokable CBD. They specialize in extraordinary CBD, rich hemp flower, aka buds and pre roll CBD joints. So join the group of adults who are sick and goddamn tired of vapes and gummies. Ew, dude. They want to smoke their CBD. I'm pissed off. You even said that. I shouldn't have even brought that. Ew, vapes and gummies. Pathetic. Why the hell would I want to do that? Yeah. What

are you some fucking one of my a baby with a fucking little baby cock? A baby's penis. What do I have a baby's penis? What do I have a baby's? No, I have a regular adult's penis. Micro scenes impression of Rojo Perez. Yeah, it's pretty good. I don't know if I just said that. I don't know if Ro knows he does it. Yeah, maybe we should maybe mark that and just beep it out. Whatever. He's a comedian. He should. We're all doing impressions. What about this? Did your dick just fart? Maybe it did. Maybe it didn't. You put the mic down. Did you just come out of your vagina? Did you just quit? No, we talked about gay guys having sex missionary a couple of weeks ago. We did not talk about some of it. No, it was

under my balls. No, it was under my balls. No, that came out of your vagina. No, it hit the chair that came right and it bounced off the chair and it went into the mic. It came right out of your I don't have a pussy. I have fat balls. Let's get the pussy detector. No, you don't have a pussy detector. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're using the B button. People can't even see you. It's not a visual medium. Nick is holding the microphone close to my dick, which is a dick, by the way, and not a pussy. Let's get the dick detector out. You don't have one of those. No, he's pointing it to my dick. That's my dick. That's my dick. Now it's on his dick and it's not making any noise. Yeah, it's on my dick again.

So I'm still on my dick. Still on my dick. Yeah, you got to think about it. That was a good trick. That was that was real brain wars. I felt like I was playing air hockey. It was close though. It was close. You almost had me little foosball. Coosball. What are we talking about? Cooshe dreams. Oh, I just got a second wind. Think about Liam Neeson raping a retard girl in the woods. Yeah, some that's the kind of stuff that really adds a little like the sweet sauce to life. A little shot of sweet baby rays. Get the blood flowing. Yeah, thinking about some big dick racist Irish mongoloids raping a different kind of retard in a cabin in North Carolina. She deserves it because her family is probably racist. I

got no idea. Right, right, right. Anything that justifies some kind of punitive violence. So fucking true, man. That's what being an American is about. And that's what being a cushy dreams consumer is about. Isn't that right, Adam? That's right. And they're now shipping legally to all 50 states. That's so awesome. So anyway, it looks like high quality marijuana. It feels like high quality marijuana. And guess what? It tastes like it tastes like it too, brother. CBD content is up to 20%, which is some of the highest in the game. And the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower. Smoking your CBD is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system.

It does not get you. I'm about efficiency. Me too. 100%. Minimum effort, maximum output. It doesn't get you high. Minimum output. Who cares? Yes, that rocks to minimum effort. It does not get you high. There's next to no THC, independent lab tests. And that's by the way, a good thing. That's a good thing. I know you're probably hearing that and you're like, wow, what am I fucking gay? Yeah, THC is actually gay. What am I a fucking loser? Yeah, that doesn't want to get high. I was I saw actually you'd be a loser if you did want to get high in the world of this ad read. I saw this anti drug commercial the other day. I think it was Harry Styles. Oh, well, he said CBD or

THC is actually gay. And he would know he wears a dress. And he's actually yeah, he knows. He dabbles. Even though he fucked up. He cucked Sudeikis. Oh, that's nice. He cucked coach, which is fucked up. You know what? That's what did it. Sudeikis was the fucking man until he became a gay, like a bitch ass, a bitch coach. Anyway, but you know what? No, I'll take that back. He's apologies to everyone. And I'll say this. Fuck Harry Styles. Yeah, fuck him. And you don't fuck. You don't fuck Sudeikis is bitch like that. No, you don't. Not on my watch. So if I see you, Harry Styles, it's on site. I'm going to take a fucking beautiful pre roll from cushy dreams. I'm

going to smoke it and I'm going to put it out on your fucking eyes like it's like it's a cigarette, like you're in a fucking white trash child. And I'm your fucking dad that's still mad about getting cut from varsity. Yeah, I'm taking it out on you. But instead of it being Paul malls, I'm doing it with a pre roll from cushy dreams. Harry Styles. That's right. And you could have you could have gone division. I could have gone division one if coach didn't have it out for me. If that fucking you fucking you know what coach and I'm doing the thing from you guys can't see it. But yeah, I'm kind of make I'm kind of make I'm kind of drawing a triangle. Yeah. Anyway, it's grown in California,

Oregon, the character, by the way, the character. Yeah, I am just I'm just threatening Harry Styles and each plan is hand selected by the still from family guy. That's awesome. That's awesome. You know, family guy really is we just do family guy. Yeah. Yeah, let's just talk about each plan is handled by experience cannabis flower experts. It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things and it mixes well with other things that you can smoke. Each batch is slow cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserve flavor and cannabinoids. They take an artisan approach. Every run is small batch and don't whatever. Yeah, it's it's good. It's really good. It's

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Yeah, go ahead and go on go on and do that. What are you looking at family guy? No comments on video guy. I just noticed they woke up out of a coma that he was in for 10 years and telling him these missed 10 years of his life and it's him crying and stuff. Oh, wow. Fucking loser. Yeah, man, that seems pretty sad. But the nail trailer. Let's run that back. One more time. Oh, yeah. Nail two. I'm horny looking for another retard trying to fuck again. That was not in the movie. I was hoping there's another feral woman he can fuck just Liam Neeson looking up at like a like a some secluded island somewhere. And there's just like like some pygmy woman coming out of the woods with her breasts out and just he just

smiles. Yeah. In a forgotten land. He just throws it far away. He's got a fishing hook. He puts a sandwich on it. He just tosses it out. Yeah, tries to get her to fucking bite. 20th Century Fox presents a story of getting pussy. Can you say penis? He's just holding it. Native woman's face penis. Can you say it? This is how we communicate rubbing it on her face. This means hello. Fuck. Is it just him? Yeah, he's just on the island by himself. He's got a gun problem. He's got like a Palm Beach cruiser behind some 40 foot yacht. This is the Irish goodbye on Newark, New Jersey. Yeah, you just come back to that island three years later. It's all but a half Irish. He's at like a deaf school in Martha's Vineyard.

90 miles from me. Yeah. He's just landed. He's snuck into just fucking the police chasing a new Liam Neeson. He's like, this is the shoreline. He's just running through the shoreline. Fox slapping his thumb. Yeah. Hurry, we have to get to international law. I have to get back to America before they connect to the night meter wherever this is. Like this is a message. It's a message to the state police. You're on Long Island. Take your boat from New Jersey to Long Island. This is a Guatemalan immigrant speaking Spanish. This is a Jones Beach. I thought she was a retard. I thought it was in a retarded jungle. We're filming now too. It's kind of a passion project for me. Just giving an interview. I'm putting

up the money myself and we're using real people factors. We're sharing this much more guerrilla style. I just watched Brown Bunny for the first time and I thought if Vincent Gallo can get ahead on camera, maybe I can fucking restart on camera too. It's so funny to imagine him raping people. I don't know why him in particular. It's Will, it's a movie. You don't get it. I'm not raping. It's a movie. I guess you don't know about cinema. Let me ask you this. What if I told you it was for science? Somehow, that we're going to find out that a scientist was doing this, that he made me do it to collect data. Did the detectives like, well, did that happen? Maybe. I'm going to need to cut a deal first before I say anything

else. Why don't you tell me a secret first? Okay. Well, I framed nine Muslim guys for 9-11 sequels. That's pretty good. That sounds awful. It's a shame there's literally nothing anyone can do about it. And there will never be any accountability. That's right. So we're even then, right? I mean, I fucked a couple retards. Not only will there never be any... What you did was way worse. Any accountability. In literally a year's time, everyone will love me because I arrested some guy with a tiki torch at the camp who was also a retard, by the way, that I put up to it. A different kind of retard. So you'd say we both like fucking retards in the house. I guess we're not so different, you and I. Liam Neeson exonerated.

Oh, I see. I see he's here. Damn. What's up, girl? Damn, we took the collar off her. I see walked all the way from New York. Damn, dude, I see hasn't been on the podcast for years. Dogs always look better without a collar. They look naked. It is weird how much that changes a dog's appearance. Yeah. Yeah, she looks more like an animal. She got the titties out. She's topless. She's such a dumb bitch. The dog. Yeah. What's up with the mice in your apartment? Are they gone? I don't know. Is that going on all the way? I just left that. Perfect timing to leave. Leave my apartment? Yeah, you're going to get back and it's going to be fixed. Yeah. Or it's going to be like cheese palaces. There's going to be like

literally chucky cheese will be in your apartment. Yeah. The like evolved to be huge. You should call your landlord. I have plenty of times. What do you say? First of all, don't assume it's a he. Yeah. Okay. Is it a he? No, it's a bitch. I think her dad actually. Yeah. There's a lot of Australian. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck them. We should take it back. How dare they? Yeah. That's our shit. Yeah. Is it because you know, I know it's probably bad to call like I and that sound like it's sort of the one Australians. Oh, you're good. Yeah. That's what I mean. If it's like a white person. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. If I get some Australians visa taken away, they get their building. Yeah. Is that xenophobic? No, no Australians. Yeah.

Send ice to dude shut down. What the hell is where the Xenophobic doesn't mean like homophobic but for lesbians. Yeah, that's true for warrior princesses. Hello, Isis, do you want to bark on the on the fucking show? Come here. Isis. Come here. She doesn't. She's nude. Yeah, she's naked. She's fucking butt ass naked. Nice one. I see. That's cool. You got a good one. You got a sniffing. We got to dress her up for Halloween tonight. Oh, yeah. Well, it's December. I mean, get a little butterfly wings. It's also Halloween tomorrow. Halloween December. I want to put a bell on her so she could be a cow. She does look like a cow. She's got a cow. Especially without the collar. Yeah, you can see the demarcation between her different

and her nipples. Yeah, don't ruin the episode, Isis. In fact, let's just end it now. Well, hold on. Hold on. We don't want to. Okay, I mean, I guess just this one time.